Stuff Island - Stuff Island #95 - Desert Speedball w/ Jason Burke

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the Paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Jason on IG: https://www.instagram.com/eatprayjason/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, you're also from a dog shit town in Bristol, right? Oh, yeah. You're like from the Delco. I'm the Delco of Connecticut. Yeah. That's nice. Nobody leaves or they overdose on heroin. That's it.

Yeah. They leave it in a box or they don't leave it at all. I like that. Wasn't Aaron Hernandez from right over there? Dude, I taught him basketball growing up. Are you kidding? What else did you teach him? I fucked him.

That's a good get, dude. He's a smoke show. Yeah, he was. I would. I'd have a hard time turning down that tight 13-year-old ass. Was he any good?

Yeah, did he seem like a killer at the time? Yeah, you know what? He didn't say much, and so yes. He was just quiet and good at sports. But he's from Bristol?

Yeah. He grew up in our hood. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, there's a couple? Yeah. He grew up in like our hood. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. There's a couple areas that are like the ghettos of Bristol. So he's. I feel like Connecticut does have a lot of that.

Oh yeah. Where it's like super nice and then right next to a dog shit. Right. Yeah. That's every town for the most part. I guess that's true. You watch that doc and his behavior that's even as a rich adult is so fucking Bristol because everyone

in my town always has to prove themselves no matter what like you just ignorantly can't step away from

a confrontation no matter what it is no matter how fucking rich you are and he just continued to do it until he died yeah

fuck yeah what a stupid I like I kind of like that ignorance though what you know of course it is your ignorance never growing up yeah yeah Fuck. Yeah, what a stupid move. I kind of like that ignorance, though. What? You know? Of course, it is your ignorance.

Never growing up. Yeah. I'm never growing up. I mean, we got fucked up till 5 a.m. last night. Yeah, well, I do feel like I was closer to New York. I feel like Central Connecticut does have a real chip on its shoulder. It's almost Jersey level. It's got to be worse.

Everyone hates us. You got no identity. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's talking. No one knows where Bristol is. We're pissed about it. It's like Jersey level. It's got to be worse. Everyone hates us. You got no identity. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's talking. No one knows where Bristol is. We're pissed about it. It's like an aisle. We got ESPN, though.

And the oldest wooden roller coaster in the country. Dude, I remember you telling me that. It's the oldest active park, right? Amusement park. That's like the East Coast version of having the biggest rubber band ball. That's why when you say the Connecticut uniform, there's the one from Chris's area. And then there's ours.

Where? Are you north of New Haven? Bridgeport. It's right in the middle. 15 minutes east of Hartford. So north of New Haven, yeah. Northeast of New Haven. Oh, I didn't realize you guys were that far up.

That's like Glastonbury-ish area. Yeah, Farmington, Southington, Avon. See, you know what the fuck you're talking about. This morning, you yelled at me. I only know that because that's where Clay's from. I was like, Burke's coming on. He's from Connecticut. You guys all yak it up. And he goes, I don't know anything about Connecticut.

I don't. Dude, he starts yelling at me, dude. I don't, dude. I don't know anything about Connecticut. I know Glastonbury because Clay's from there I've been there once or twice

like he spent 18 years in Connecticut and he flipped the fuck out on me because he doesn't know anything about Connecticut it's like not my fault you didn't open your eyes

in the car dude we're on we're on a section of Connecticut that like it doesn't make any sense we're like on this little lip anyone darker than peach

can't get to it yeah but I'm like i'm we're like the first town into new york and all my parents were everyone was new york like everyone that i associated with was like ex-new yorkers dude we grew up like not far from the water i don't i never swam in the ocean we were we were you've been to my house dude it's 100 yards from my house there's an ocean. Beautiful. Maybe three times. Yeah. Ten minute walk.

Yeah. And we went to the beach. He's like, I think I was here like ten years ago. Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah. Because my parents were never like, well, you got to go boating. You don't have to just boat. I know.

Right? Dude, and it's a beach like any other beach. We were fucking throwing a football for three hours. Yeah. Learned that from you too. He's a Labrador on the that from you too. He's a Labrador on the fucking beach, dude. He's just like us. In the water for two

hours, on the sand for two hours, back in the water, grab a beer, do it again. Look at these Wabobas. Right? It's real. Do we have these? Oh my god. No, they skip on the water? I've never played with one of these. Oh, my God. Do they soak up water?

No, they skip on the water. They soak nothing. That one soaks. No, it doesn't. It's a problem. It soaks up. It does not. I thought that would be great.

That one sucks. That one's not bad. That's for beginners. That's fucking training wheels for kids that can't play ball. I can feel it. It feels more sponge-like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This actually doesn't absorb any water.

It skips like a motherfucker. It's great. The tote boys would go ham on this fucking thing. This is... I thought this would be the worst one.

Somebody just sent me a tweet the other day asking the rules of the game for... Odell? Odell. Really? Yeah, because I talked

about it on the pod once. It's the funniest game in the world, too. It is fun. Horse, just playing football and you got to toss it up and try and perfect it. You've got to catch it like a champion. You do. You do. I have it documented.

Do you? Yeah, it's on Instagram. How tall are you? Six, five? Isn't it crazy? That's going to be fun throwing it at him on the beach, because if you sky one, he'll get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch this. He'll get it. He's a great person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when you're trying to work on your release.

Yeah, high release. He's good to throw, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll catch everything. You're trying to take it from a three to a 12. Yeah, yeah. You're not even worried about hitting some fat lady in the head. He'll get it.

Anything inside the beltway, he's got it. Yeah, dude. Find a nice beach, pal. This is the best you can get, this couch right here. Boys, we got to rip it up some more. I haven't been in the Beeson so long.

I live in the fucking desert now. Yeah, that sucks. Where are you? Palm Springs? Palm Desert. Well,

yeah, right next to Palm Springs. Okay. I just went there like a few months ago. It's all for like artists and gays,

right? I mean, that's where my wedding was. Right. It's gay. Artistic, though.

Yeah. Palm Springs is more that. Palm Desert is just like rich old racist whites.'s gay. Artistic, though. Yeah. I mean, Palm Springs is more that. Palm Desert is just like rich old racist whites. Oh, yeah. Just trying to let you know how they feel

in a roundabout way. They're like hiding in the desert? Yeah, they're hiding. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I played a round of golf because that's all you do down there.

Three olds in their 70s. A couple, like a married couple and their old friend. Is he on the... Pull the mic a little bit closer just in case. All right, yeah.

He's got no cans on. He ain't listening. I need more silt, sir. That's his third. He's been here for 10 minutes. Jesus Christ. Get ahead. I'm sorry.

So we're playing. I'm playing. You know, they all seem nice, right, on the surface. Going well. We're on like the fourth or fifth hole. The guy I'm partnered with, their friend, hits a putt, leaves it short. He goes, ah, I hit it like a, I can't say it.

I can't say the word. You can't say that word anymore. Then the other guy goes, I'll say the word. I like soap in my mouth. Oh my. Then his wife, who has not said anything for 45 minutes, goes, just say the fucking word, Frank. What's the word?

They never said it. They never said it. There's nothing that makes... It's gotta be the F word. It's gotta be. It's gotta be. I was like, why would he say the N word there? I just came up with the F word.

Yeah. I assumed, but I didn't push it. Is that a course rule you're not allowed to say that? No, they're trying to be better. They're trying to grow up as adults. Nothing makes an old man happier than being like, you can't say anything anymore. And then they just jazz their way around it

where it's just like the negative space is so obvious. It's ten times worse. Just say it and move on. The most excited person was the wife, which was interesting. What'd that bag of shit look like? What about the guy who was like guy like so she all wrinkled up like that I want that rubber ripping through.

That's why they're in the desert, man. They don't want anyone to hear them scream. It's a lemon party on hole eight. Jesus Christ. That lemonparty.org joke is the funniest fucking thing. For like two years, I was sending that to everybody. That was a long... I mean, that's like a 20-year-old meme. Is it a meme?

It was the... Now it is. But it was a full... Was it, that's like a 20-year-old meme. Is it a meme? It was the, yeah. And now it is. But it was a full working. Was it a video or a GIF? Yeah. Is it GIF? Man, I cannot see that. It's so funny.

Why Lemon? Where's the Lemon origin? It's so innocent. Yeah. Lemon party feels like there's no way you're going to see two dudes fucking. Three. Is it three guys? Yeah, there's three guys.

Yeah. Dude, I could sketch that right now dude we'll have our editors one of these paintings should be a seal of lemon party that's great well just on this side though yeah no dude i when i was a kid i was i feel like i was like conservative like that my friends would show me that i'd be like that's disgusting no it's inappropriate are you serious you felt that way your friends this is a joke right no i would be like that's fucking gross what the hell are you guys doing why would you three men in love yeah no but also like you're

a kid you don't think that's fucking hilarious just an old man getting porked and i think i think i think i was just one of those things where I was sensitive, and so someone was like, go to Lemon Party, and I went there, and I was so mad that they got me. Wait, was that one of the first, like, I didn't like being pranked. Yeah, yeah. Oh, pieces of pornography.

No, no, no. I was seasoned at that point. Yeah, yeah. I was downloaded nudes of Carmen Electra, chunk by chunk. Wait, are you young enough where internet porn was your first porn? No.

I was like, my buddy had like, his dad had like Playboys in the bathroom and we would like sneak and like look at them. That was the first porn. You didn't have VHS porn though?

No. No, I'm popping a tape in my throat. No, no, no, no, no. If I hear that voice right now, that sound, I just get hard.

I mean, it's Pavlov's dick, dude. Yeah. If I hear that voice right now, that sound, I just get hard. I mean, it's Pavlov's dick, dude. Yeah. If I hear that VHS go, I'm just like, ah! My buddy's dad, Todd, you met Todd. His dad was an engineer, and he built a trap door in the basement, like a trap wall with a magnetic release that he hid all of his porn.

So it was like our blockbuster. I would go in there. I still have one. Oh, I just kept it as a little archive. that's awesome. A release that he hid all of his porn. So it was like our blockbuster. I would go in there. I still have one. Oh, I just kept it as a little archive. That's great. So I would just borrow one for a week, bring it back, switch it out. You're paying late fees to some kid's dad.

Five ounces of gum and late fees. This guy fucking, I love him. But he loved porno so much. Dude, when the internet came, he had a peck there every weekend trying to figure out what he did.

Like some geek spud kid was just sweating bullets like, I don't know. Dude, just all the malware or something he's downloading? Yeah, like every Saturday morning, they're both just hunched over the computer

like, I don't know how to fix this, man. What have you been downloading? It is always so strange to me that porn has all the computer viruses in it. That what? Porn has all the viruses in it. Why not other things?

It's got to be religious organizations trying to calm down. Yeah, they probably pay some fucking, you know, some autistic nerd in a dark basement somewhere in Arizona. Yeah. Like, make us some malware

and we're going to place it on Pornhub. Yeah, I guess it is the only thing that people can't resist. Get the kids off to cranky acts. I don't know.

It could be. I mean, young kids have got to be so desensitized to that. Oh, I know. I remember the first time I was shown, like, cum in a magazine

way too early. Yes. Just in some kid's, some friend's friend's basement. He goes, I got a porno. I was like, yeah, I'll see. It was like,

I was nine, and he opened it up, and I was like, oh, yeah, I've seen that penis frost thing before. Someone was like, what the fuck is that, man? that man you know your dick throws up

it's right it is right who brought the cupcake someone was telling me that they were like uh they're telling me the story there was like one of their friends like sons was like he's like super young and he was trying to look for porn but didn't he's like not old enough to know that there's like there's like filters on the search engines i love where this is going and it was just like boobs big boobs floppy boobs like It was just all different and he kept adding terms and search. It's like a game of hide and seek.

It's just so funny to think of a 10 year old just like, what the fuck is happening? No boobs? There's no boobs on the internet. It's getting filtered out. Floppy boobs. It's just that's because all the race is fine. Asian boobs.

They gotta be somewhere be release the black boobs I'm not even a fan I just want to see tits alright I'll budge man's boobs I'll give cartoon boobs why does it keep auto correcting

the heavy hangers I don't know just the idea of a 10 year old exasperated just like what the fuck and the whole time

his dick is just getting his bone is just getting decreased and decreased and they last forever he's like hurry up your dick is fully charged Okay, mom's boobs

Dude He's on the phone with his friend His friend's like, just put boobs in Oh man I feel like shit You do? Still? What?

Still? Yeah Second burial company We get a text from Shane At like midnight I was just ready to call it quits. Is he still sleeping now at 530? No, no.

He still gets up early. It just said, sup, boys. You get a sup, boys text at that time. It's like, fuck. You see 5 a.m. flash right before your eyes, and then you just get up, put your shoes on, and let's go. Yeah, you walk in. Was he already at the bar?

No, he was coming back from the cellar. Yeah but he was also you got you got hit with the buzzsaw because they like they let us stay late and keep drinking but tommy kept thinking it was last call so you put down like three or four mezcal pints of Mezcal. Oh my God. Well, I've been trying to drink less beer. This is going to be the max beer I have for the day. Okay. And I usually only have one if we're not doing a pot. If we're doing a pot, I'll have two. Yeah.

And it's helped, dude. That's so funny to me because you want to go out on top on last call, but like pranking Tommy, that last call is like, well, actually this is it. Oh, fuck, another pint of Mezcal. Yeah, yeah. And then she's just like, over my shoulder, she'd be like, another one. And I'm like, what time, what fucking time is it?

I timed this last one perfectly, and that happened, like, three or four more times. Did Shane come down with, like, 100 milligrams of Adderall or something? Oh, I forgot. I think I got to get some Adderall for the week. We're going to Wawa, New Jersey. What? Are you taking Adderall a lot? No.

I haven't had an Adderall in I do like it though maybe like three three four months I got a prescription now it's so funny though with Adderall

it's like if you need it it's not as fun well it still is you know what I mean it just it just becomes you're just manifesting

like your coke behaviors as an adult you know what I mean like your coke behaviors as an adult. You know what I mean? Like instead of fucking pitching a small business idea to a stranger at a urinal, I'm just like costing old co-workers on LinkedIn at fucking 7am. Like, oh man, are you succeeding?

Are you succeeding, bro? Fuck, I can fight you, you're so good at work. God, what's up? That is funny. Just the mild, instead of coming up with a business, you're just making a complicated sandwich. It's just keeping you from spilling

over and being too ambitious. How many pans can I use for breakfast? My wife would be like, you want to make lunch soon? I'm like, no, I'll have lunch tomorrow, maybe. I'm fine. Dude, so tell me about that. What about the sleep? Doesn't it fuck your sleep up? I don't take it after

12 p.m. Oh, okay. So it's an early dose to fucking light the fire? Time release? No. Just one big... You get whacked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you still drink coffee? Oh my, five cups a day. Yeah. Do you drink coffee with the Adderall? Oh yeah, dude. I'm fucking reeling.

Dude. Holy shit. I'm fucking reeling. Dude. Holy shit. I've also started making- No wonder you wrote a show about being in the gym. Your whole body's in the gym. I've also started making my own cold brew concentrate. I'm going to do a one to three ratio. Now I'm like, just one. Just fucking eight ounces of straight unfiltered.

Do you use the KitchenAid? Yeah, the KitchenAid. Cold brew. It's got to be through the fucking roof. Do you use the KitchenAid? Holy shit. The KitchenAid. Your anxiety's got to be through the fucking roof. That's what the Klonopin's for. Oh, my God. This is a poor man's speedball. Yeah, yeah. Like, every day.

Just desert speedball. Dude, I love it. I fucking love it. Do you have the kitchen-made one where you seep in the center? Well, it's OXO. You know that brand? Yeah, yeah. It's the same thing.

You just let it sit for 48 hours yeah then you drain it it's actually they say it's between 16 and 18 is optimal really yeah i'm thinking otherwise it turns bitter and get the oil gets a little ah the bitterness yeah like i just want it stronger yeah dude yeah my local coffee shop told me that because they have giant barrels sitting out. And I'm like, when do you... 16 to 18 hours. 16 to 18. I'm sure some fucking know-it-all in our comments will tell me I'm a dumb dick. Which I am. For the record, also unrelated, but also related, because he takes a ton of Adderall. My brother loves this show.

Yeah. And just fucking cooking on Adderall at 6am on the way to his work. Yes. Listening to you guys. Also just calling up buddies out of the blue and just chatting them about your fucking podcast. Shout outris fuck yeah yeah should you name him what is he gonna be that's not his name that's not his name i was like shout out chris yeah yeah chris who's chris you're crying dude i just watched a video about the multiverse before we started this podcast you're fucking with me.

I always think he's watching something that's kind of like, you know, get the pod going. Because all the boys are setting up shit and Chris is just like this every show. Yeah. You just hear like TikTok's flopping or whatever the fuck. Instagram reels. TikTok's flopping? I don't know. If you got TikTok on your phone and you're over 30 years old, kill yourself.

It's disgusting. What do you mean? I love it. You love TikTok? Dude, cooking TikTok on your phone and you're over 30 years old, kill yourself. It's disgusting. What do you mean? I love it. You love TikTok? Dude, cooking TikTok? Incredible. Oh, shit. Really?

Yeah. Take it back. There's a world for you on there. I'm telling you that right now. Yeah, but the problem is I take a little dip in the other water and then I'm watching fucking girls dance.

Dude, yeah. Also, UFO TikTok. Did you watch the hearings because I didn't watch them yet? I watched the highlights. Is anything of substance? Yeah, this high-level intelligence officer was like, yes, we found

fucking alien bodies and crafts since 1930. We've just had it. Craig Conant was just on the show and he was saying he brought up a good point. Isn't it good timing why would they just release all this stuff to us now if they had this for so long is something on

the horizon or is this just about fear and it's just like you know is this pushing something with technology pushing i then you go to think is it pushing fucking budgeting for defense are we just asking for more war money so that we can fuck up some innocent country? Well, we know what they might be. One thing they admitted was, like, they asked where they got the funds for this, and he was like, it's all misappropriated. Like, funds are going towards something,

and they're just funneling it from that. My tax dollars. Yeah, right. Yeah, I don't know. I don't like that guy. That guy can suck my dick. Who? The Gorsh-Gorish.

Why? Fuck that guy. I don't know. I don't like him. I don't like that guy. That guy can suck my dick. Who? The Gorsh-Gorish. Why? Fuck that guy. I don't know. I don't like him. I don't like the whole thing. I don't like... Dude, this is... I do...

I genuinely do think, like, it's a podcast. They just did a podcast. They didn't have a guest that week, and they fucking brought in an alien guy, and they're just like, are there aliens? And he was like, totally. They're coming from other dimensions. They're doing, like... And you're just like well do are there aliens and he was like totally they're coming from other dimensions they're doing like and you're just like all right man and then that the one person was like is there is there like an agency we can who can we to get the information he's like i can't say stuff like that yeah all he said was like in the open spill the beans yeah say everything

yeah you can't what's the point of opening the door at all? Yeah. It's like you and your wife saw an alien? Cool. Yeah. Now what? Why you guys are so negative about this? I'm pro-alien. I'm pro-alien. I want an alien to come down like fucking Iron Hernandez and rape me, dude. I want a sea-feel

experience. The biggest alien experience. I want it all. I want to get sucked up to the ship. I want probing. I want to get sucked up to the ship. I want probing. I want to try a little snack. And then get fucking shot down to Earth. A little snack? Yeah.

I want to see what they eat. Just Triscuits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just Cheez-Its, dude. That's what they came here for, the snacks. That's why they come. They run on Cheez-Its. There was one guy who was criticizing the hearings. He bothered me.

There was a guy who was like, You bothered me. He bothered me. He was like, You you tell me they flew all the way here They get all the way they flew across the galaxy, and then they just what they crash when they get here They don't know how to fly Which I get is funny, but it also sounds like that makes me like the aliens more yeah that feels very human that feels very much like something we would do yeah you got an elaborate piece of technology you get all the way there you forget to put the brakes on or something yeah

imagine your everyone that crashed was just getting roadhead yeah. Oh my God, it's Earth! Dude. Yeah, yeah. There wasn't a building there when they made the map originally? Just jumping in a time warp and just halfway there going, oh fuck,

I forgot to get gas. Just some normal shit. Can I get another beer? Yeah, yeah. Now! Oh, you got dinner? You got dinner at 7.30? That was a good toss

yeah he's got a fucking wicked arm yeah lefty huh lefty yeah how many of us left I can't believe

you're not on a fucking mound somewhere in Wichita who's Stu my dad oh Stu how did Stu

fuck it up kid this size if I had a baby that was something like this first of all I'd have to fuck an alien to get a kid this size.

But I'd smack him every time he tried to pick something up with his right hand. I never did. What? The odds of getting drafted as a left-handed pitcher with a size like this, through the roof. I know. Oh, yeah, yeah. As opposed to a right.

I just didn't have. Did I tell you that story about my cousin? You told me. Tell him. Let's build together. Tell me again, because everything you've ever said I don't remember. Lefty pitcher was thrown in the high 90s. Got drafted by the Mets, I think.

Yeah. At a high school. Who's this? Your cousin? Yeah, it was my cousin. And then I guess he knocked some girl up, kind of petered out. Jesus. Then my other cousin, like years later, like 10 or 15 years later,

got him a tryout with the owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates. I like when you talk like Gruden, dude. He starts getting hit, this guy. Do the whole story like Gruden. Do the end of the story like Gruden. They get him a tryout, and him and my cousin are working. They're throwing balls. He's getting the speed back up.

And the day of the tryout, he doesn't show up. My cousin was pissed. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. He just bitched out? He got scared pissed. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. He just bitched out? He got scared? Yeah. Mom's spaghetti?

Yeah, dude. Damn. My cousin was pissed. So wait, that pisses me off. The kid didn't... The other cousin, the fact that he got a girl pregnant has nothing to do with his success, right?

He just... It's very hard to stay in the league. I think it did distract him quite a bit. God. Yeah. As a father of, like, no pussy, I'll get you hookers the league. I think it did distract him quite a bit. God. As a father, I'd be like, no pussy. I'll get you hookers. Yeah.

I'll get a watch. I'll sit in the corner. I'll cuck you. I'll make sure you don't go cumming. I'll get you hookers, a watch. I'll be in the corner. Well, why a watch? Just because.

It's so funny. I want to make sure you're safe. I'll just be in the corner. Shut the light off. You're fine. Go ahead. Could you throw heat? Were you a pitcher? Here's the thing. I wanted just be in the corner. Shut the light off. You're fine. Go ahead. Could you throw heat? Were you a pitcher?

Here's the thing. I wanted to be one. I was a first baseman. I wanted to be one so bad. Perfect size, too. Again, no guidance. Yeah. So I went and tried out to be a pitcher at, like, whatever, major leagues of Little League.

And they didn't let me do it. Williamsport. They didn't let me be a pitcher, so I had to stay on first base. Oh, my God. So I don't know how fast I can pitcher, so I had to stay on first base. Oh my God. So I don't know how fast I can throw, but I can still, uneducated,

throw a pretty mean curve. Like the hook is, even now is crazy. Yeah. It drops. You throw a knuckleball? That's why we're good friends, my friend.

You ever catch with someone who throws a knuckleball? I can throw a knuckle. It's so fun. We're going on the beach for seven days. You and I.

You're doing that tomorrow? Tomorrow. I got to get a big hat. I got're going to the beach for seven days. You and I. You're doing that tomorrow? Tomorrow. I got to get a big hat. I got a sun shirt. Let's talk about this story real quick. Can I tell it? Because this isn't going to air before they know. I don't know what the story is.

AYG boys. Yeah, yeah. So last night before we get to text from Shane, I'm sitting here, peed her out. I'm on my last glass of red wine. Just like the timing on the other one. Yeah, yeah.

Last glass. Before the next bottle of red wine. Yeah like the timing on the other one. Yeah, yeah. Last glass. Before the next bottle of red wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Last glass of the white. I'm cock-bombing. But Chris takes a piss like he normally does. He walks like a zombie. Head down, looking at the floor.

And he goes back in. Focused. Concentrated. Yeah. The light flicks on and I'm watching I forget what I was watching. I was watching. Focused, concentrated. The light flicks on, and I'm watching, I forget what I was watching. I was watching the... Faces of Death. You were watching a murder doc. Yeah, I was watching a murder doc.

Sports memorabilia and murder docs are in heavy rotation with this guy. Just crap. Just wall-to-wall crap. Picture-to-picture. Sports memorabilia over a fucking Wayne Gacy doc yeah so the light the light turns on picture in picture yeah it's called pip pip yeah pip you don't know you're young i know i remember pip so the light is on cable boxes and all i hear is and i'm like what the fuck is he doing? And I look in the kitchen and I see a shadow

on this back wall and I see, and I'm like, it sounds like he's scrubbing the floor, but he wasn't there long enough to spill anything. Dude, dude, you're going to find out. So I'm like, what the fuck is he doing? And I'm watching and I go, oh shit. So the AYG boys bet him months ago that by tomorrow he couldn't learn

the Charleston. Oh my God. You got a tutorial up? Oh no, dude, I thought my way through it. So he finished.

You thought your way through it? Yeah, yeah. I love that. So, so now I realize. I was lying in bed

being like, I can do this. It's like mapping out the movements in my head. So dude, I stopped, now it hits me because now I see his hands flipping in a certain way. I'm going, he's working on in my head. So, dude, I start, now it hits me, because now I see his hands flipping in a certain way.

I'm going, he's working on the Charleston. So I, immediately, I got in, like, ninja mode, and I'm trying to buck around this corner. He doesn't hear anything. I'm walking on velvet, baby. I poke my head out, like, all the way down low. And I'm watching greatness. I'm watching greatness.

I'm telling you, I was expecting to see a lady falling backwards down the stairs. This dude was smooth with it. And I started, I laughed so hard because it was the opposite of like, I would have laughed just as hard if he sucked. I was so shocked. My system was so shocked that I just went, because I was so shocked. My system was so shocked that I just went, because I was proud and excited

and completely ice bathed by how good he was, dude. So as soon as I left, he goes like this, stops and runs at me. He lunged like a fucking, like a cougar. I went full little kid mode, like, get out of my room! Dude, and I swear to God, if this was like Released before

Like they see it I wouldn't tell them Because it's like A thousand dollar bet But like I'm so proud of him He waited till literally A couple days before He had six months

Or four months Or something crazy And I was like You're not gonna Fucking do it 24 hours later Before the fucking trip He's

He's swimming In the fucking kitchen Dude He's sitting around the corner He's got one of those Giant old record players With the fucking kitchen dude he's thinking about the corner he's got one of those giant old record players with the megaphone it's like hello my baby hello my ragtime dude that was the most embarrassing part is i was singing the charleston in my head that's the charleston what i just said or no no no. Yeah, it's like, did I edit it?

It's close, though. But we could get you those long velvet red gloves and a long French cigarette. Did men dance to Charleston? A hundred percent. I realize that I am definitely learning the women's Charleston. That's fine.

Don't say that to them. I think the man's Charleston is literally just like stepping back. You think those two fucking beatbags are going to know what the men's and women's is? Yeah to them. I think the man, Charlton, is literally just like stepping back. You think those two fucking beatbags are going to know what the men's and women's is? Yeah, yeah. I hope they do. I hope this pays off. Yeah.

Oh, there we go. Yeah. So sick. Don't show nothing. The way you regularly dance is not that. What I saw was a cheat code. I actually lost my virginity to that song. Dude.

Oh, my God. Imagine playing that record at like 13. Fucking to that rhythm. Yeah. Just. You gotta speed up and slow down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, I'm coming. Then I'm not. And then I am. Why do you have a pork pie hat on? I don't know where, I just found it. Dude, having such an intimate moment where you've lit some candles,

it's like you're both losing your virginity. So this was the first time you tried it and you nailed it? No, he's been working on it. I had practiced a couple times before I practiced in the shower a little bit. But I literally. I like that, too. I love that.

Yesterday, I was, like, literally lying down being like, I can do this. Oh, yes. And I woke up, and it took me about 20 minutes. And then I was, like, cooking. So you're ready for this? I think so. It's hard. Like, where is this bet taking place?

In Wildwood. In Wildwood, okay. I think it's when we get there. No, we have a rent at Bay House. Got it. It's hard. It's a little bit like fucking good where you, like, have to be completely unselfconscious.

Sure. You know, if you're thinking about it at all, you start going like, ugh. It's not true. No, that is true. You have to lose your mind to fuck good? Yeah. All right, well, that's you

because you're a crazy person. What are you doing? I'm in the moment. That's losing your mind. No, it's staying centered and focused. No, no, that's losing your fucking mind.

If you're not thinking about the multiverse... Look at him in the eyes for like 30 seconds. No, don't do it. Dude, I don't like that much. We've got blue eyes. It'll affect you.

Yeah, it is nice. My whole objective on coming on this pod was to support you. Oh, nice. I feel like you're taking advantage of by him. You do?

Yeah. Why? Is this Connecticut hate? I keep him alive. He's just not a good person. How many beers do we have left? Put them all to the side. He's against the ropes!

Anyway, congratulations on the edition. Thank you. Can't say anything, right? What? I mean, this is going to air in a month? Yeah. Everyone knows then. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine. Why, nobody knows yet? My wife's having a baby. Oh, nice. See? A boy. That's fucking wonderful, dude. Yeah, exciting.

That's my favorite. You know you meet people and you're like, fucking breed. And then you meet other people, you're like, remove all of the genitals. Yeah. And any egg sac that bitch has to cut it all off get it out of there you guys need to make at least three give her life hell for 10 years it's it's gonna be bad gotta be maxed out at two my favorite 1-800 collect commercial is uh i feel like all from bob we had a baby boy i told her that dad Instead of Bud Light? No, it's 100%.

It's a boy. Because I used to do that shit. When I needed to ride home from practice, I would call my grandfather and be like, practice is done, come pick me up right now. You know? They knew it. So genius. It's Bob.

He had a baby. It's a boy. He doesn't even look up in the newspaper. I thought you were going to say the Cars for Kids commercial is like a... Jesus. It's like a condom.

Like, do not have children. I want to fight everyone on those little fuck faces. What, in Cars for Kids? They still playing those out here? I just saw one yesterday. Those are only here. Yesterday, I still see

those fucking things. Same one, pink guitars. Yep, yep. 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS And they're all fake playing like a fucking band at Circus Town. These little fucking twats. I'm a little embarrassed.

Is it real cars for kids? Well, I think the idea is donate your car. I don't know about it. Holy shit. Or is it real? Wait, what is it doing? A matchbox.

Yeah, or is it those little electric ones they can drive in the drive-thru? Like a Shriner? That'd be great if it was just a pedophile delivery service. I'd love to see the behind the scenes of that commercial, right? Because when that commercial's over,

all the Aussies just shuffle those kids into their cages and be like, we'll record again tomorrow. Can I have my guitar? No, you can't. We've got no cars this month! Commercial agents. Can I get another beer, please?

Pieces of shit. I do love mine, for the record. I've had terrible commercial agents for 15 years. Dude, you've been fucking killing it. You have like five national commercials, don't you? Something crazy like that. It was a lot. 2020 to 2021, it was a good run.

Yeah. Would you have to change your toilet for me and all the free Little Caesars or something? I still haven't had a bite of Little Caesars in 25 years. Are you kidding? I didn't have to eat. I love commercials. It was fucking pizza pizza, dude.

I know. I used to love it. Remember, they were the first to come out with the flavored crust. You can get pretzel crust. You can get sesame seeds. You can get Parmesan garlic. Oh. Yeah, what do they have at craft service?

Not Little Caesars? No, you know what's funny? They had Little Caesars for the fucking clients and the agency. We got like regular craft services. Thankfully. That's good, yeah. Yeah, they were like, nah, nah, these guys want the good stuff. Well, they don't want you throwing up at your ass on camera.

You know what I mean? Your partners can't be shitting all over the couch. I remember that was, that was, might be my favorite day of kindergarten. My dad, my dad came, came to lunch one day with a full, full Little Caesars. And I split it with all my friends. Oh, that's sick. It was amazing. There used to be this kid I went to school with.

I'm not going to say his name, but his mother came every Friday with a giant bag of McDonald's. Fresh off the press. Wait, she brought it for lunch? She brought it and walked. It was a giant underground cafeteria. And there's like bingo pieces everywhere from like, you know, the drunks the night before. And everybody would bring their sad bag of lunch. You know, bologna and fucking cheese or some shit.

Yeah. They didn't even have them then. And then... How old were you? Don't tell me. I'm 43. I was born in 79. What did you say?

They didn't have bologna? Well, he said they didn't have Lunchables. We're about the same age. Lunchables have been around forever. I don't think we had Lunchables. We're about the same age. Lunchables has been around forever. I don't think we had Lunchables. Maybe in eighth grade, ninth grade, they started. Anyway. You had the sticks with the cheese, though.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Handy snacks. Oh, handy snacks. Dude. Yeah, yeah. Dude, if I crush the cracker before the end of the cheese, I'm finger dipping. Oh, you fucking fell.

I'm getting every bit of it. I got my tongue in the fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah. Dunkaroos. Dunkaroos. I got my tongue in the fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah. Dunkaroos. It's all frosting on that finger. Yeah. Anyway. Tommy, get in line.

Yeah. I'm not done. Dude. No joke. Every bag had handy sacks and gushers. I fucked up gushers, dude. Oh, yeah. I know exactly what gushers were.

Little gems. I call them my little gems. Acting like a jeweler in 8th grade. I got a whole bag full of diamonds in here. You want a ruby, baby? Come yank on my crack. You want a ruby, baby? So I'm at lunch, and this fucking broad would walk all the way down.

It was like a 100-yard walk in front of like 30 grades or whatever. And just everybody was- High heels and a halter top. No, no, no, no. She was now the other mom.

Yeah. She was a real mom. Okay. And she'd be walking. Yeah. Dude. Pepe Le Pew. Every kid,

Pepe Le Pew, like fucking smelling the fucking McDonald's coming down and drop it right in front of this spoiled little fuck's face every single Friday. And then I would have to go home. Like, do you ever think like you could get me a lunch and bring it to me and my dad's like what it was like there's your lunch yeah he just brings me a marlboro he's like is this what you want you fucking queer i don't know why he talked like did no one beat this kid up dude no no he was actually a good kid he was a cool dude he was He was a sports guy. You gotta be a...

No, yeah, you gotta have... That's all it takes. No, but it is fucked up. You gotta have a lot of clout to have your mom come in and deliver lunch every Friday. Yeah, that wouldn't happen with a kid that's

made out of Teflon. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I mean... It's also spoiling the fuck out of a kid. I'm six through eight. Oh, middle school. Whoa, that's crazy. I mean... It's also spoiling the fuck out of a kid. I'm sixth or eighth. Oh, middle school. Whoa, that's crazy.

At least one year I know it was so consistent. I mean, it could have been a couple weeks off, but I remember getting in a fight with my parents. They're like, you don't do anything for me. You never give me McDonald's. You don't bring me McDonald's in the middle of your day. That's a big ask. Going to McDonald's was a big ask.

Asking her Because they work Yeah What are you going to Call out of work And bring your dumb shit Kid fucking McDonald's Yeah yeah Give him a dunk of roost

Yeah Yeah Don't create these Spoiled little fucking dickheads The big McDonald's for me Because we were all Catholic pieces of shit Was Lent

Right Fridays Lent yeah Fish fillets Yeah Oh yeah We had pizza Pizza Lent was all pizza Oh really Pizza Fridays. Lent, yeah. Fish fillets. Oh, yeah. We had pizza. Lent was all pizza.

Oh, really? Pizza Fridays. You couldn't eat meat. Pizza pizza. Cheese pizza. Cheese, yeah, of course. Jason. What are we doing here?

Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus is also a fan of stuff. I'm not just your brother. I remember being so pumped to have my dad roll in. Yeah? Did he do this often? No. No, no, no.

He was working. He just had like a day. Did he hit you the night before or something? Why did you give him any gifts? No, no, no. It was just one of those. Well, dude, it was like when you're in fucking kindergarten, you don't see your dad.

He leaves in the morning. Yeah. He gets home at seven. He leaves in the morning. Yeah. He gets home at seven. You're in the tub. Yeah. And then he's like, what's up? And then you go to sleep.

True. You know what I mean? Yeah. So he had a day off and he was like, yeah, I'm going to go see Chris. How long did you breastfeed? I bet it was long.

No, I don't think so. I had to break it to you. Some kids never see their dad. Oh, man. I got him now. I got him back now. I got him now. Yeah.

He's a good guy now. He was pumping at your wedding, dude. He's pumped. He's still pumped. Yeah. I love how... I have the original son back. Dude, tell the story.

I met his dad. Oh, dude. Eagles Giants at Giants Stadium. I still call it Giants Stadium. Call it the shithole it is. That pile of garbage. Why is it a pile of garbage? Because of the people that are in it.

Including yourself and your fans. Are you talking about Jimmy Hoffa? Yeah. So I brought him, my family, diehard Giants fans, my sister and my brother. And obviously we were like browned out almost immediately at 9.30 in the morning. Giants ended up winning.

And my brother... It was a great game. Great game. It was a great game. Came down to the wire. Came down to the wire. My brother is the kind of guy that loves to fight. You know?

He's just like an ex-college baseball player he's a wonderful boy a wonderful boy but like he'll defend anyone that's friends or related to him

and loves it and we're like stumbling back to the car some we see two Eagles fans we hear him say something I was like

Brett we gotta fucking beat this shit he was like let's go Tommy's like that's a man and his 12 year old, we got to fucking beat this shit. He was like, yeah, let's go. Tommy's like, that's a man and his 12-year-old son. We need to go right now. We were about to fight a child and his old father.

In a fucking parking lot. In a parking lot. We followed them into the parking lot. We followed them. We followed them. That's surprising for you. Yeah, well. What, to stop it?

Yeah. Yeah. As soon as I saw the young kid, I was like, we're going to kill his dad in front of the kids. It's like seeing your mom get fucked. And create a superhero. Yeah, it's like, I did it for him!

And his dad's like, and the bumper and F-150, his teeth are fucking... No, I remember wearing a green shirt going, we're going to fight somebody today, but everyone's going

to be very confused because I got two giant animals with me doing the same fucking thing on my going, we're going to fight somebody today, but everyone's going to be very confused because I got two Giants animals with me doing the same fucking thing on my side. They're going to be like, what's going on? Who do I hit? His brother's a big boy, too. I went to another Giants game with them, and my dad, big cigar guy,

was smoking his cigar to the last minute before you go through the check-in, and a couple of fucking other dads had a problem with that, and my brother a couple of fucking other dads had a problem with that and my brother had a bigger problem with them having a problem with that and he was just my dad could smoke as long as he fucking wants he was just like pushing up on these other dads i'm like all right brett you know what dad probably should put this thing out we're like dude shout out brett that's his brother yeah he out to Brett. He's going to love this house. Yeah, he will.

Of course he will. He's the fucking man, dude. Handsome as hell. I like his wife, too. His girlfriend. She's nice. They live in Hoboken or some shit? No, no, no.

What's her address? Well, someone's going to find it. Eagles Nation. I also... Are you an Eagles fan? Now, yeah. Now? Yeah.

Were you not a sports fan growing up? Well, dude, this is another thing like that. I don't know if you had this. You're further upstate, but, like, I... Growing up, we had every football game. Right. Just because there was 80 different networks. Like, we got the Boston broadcast.

We got the New York broadcast. Connecticut's very split. It's all over the place. And so I like, and my dad was a Jets fan, and the Jets always sucked. So it was like, I had rude for the Jets, but I wasn't like, ah. I grew up Giants, Knicks, and Red Sox. That's how fucking. That's crazy.

But other people, I mean, our talent split between fucking Patriots and Giants. Yeah, you never know with you guys. So then you move to Philly, and it's just the Eagles. Right. Like, if the Eagles are playing, there are no other games. I appreciate the fashion. I was like, holy shit, I can't believe this. And then so you're just watching that team, and then you grow to, like, the guys.

Yeah. Well, you were there for so long. It makes sense. Yeah. And then what really turned it was like, I started barbacking. You started what? Barbacking. Oh.

And then it's like, dude, the Eagles need to go deep in the play. Like it changes Christmas. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like the amount of money that you make. Everybody's going to Yankee candle this year. The birds make the playoffs. Over you, over you. It's crazy. Philly's a wild place. Sundays are dog shit. You lose in the playoffs, you're swimming in money.

Is that how you got that big fat ass picking all the boxes of fucking beer up? Oh, dude, yeah. I used to. You go in the back? I always had a fat ass picking all the boxes of fucking beer up oh dude yeah I used to you go in the back I always had a fat ass what you go up here I go up here yeah

triple stack damn yeah I want to go on the record as saying I love every single person from Philadelphia I've ever met

greatest you're not being good sarcastic I couldn't be more sincere about that yeah thank you well I actually had a dream

the other night that McKeever shut me out of his life and denied me access to another show he was creating. I don't know where that came from. I'm sure he wouldn't do that in real life. I love you, John. But I woke up a little shaken. I'd actually do the same thing.

He hasn't dropped that ball in 10 years it just hit me dude everything falls out of my hands you really struck a nerve and the next night the whole dream was will Shane remember me Shane just wait 10 minutes

keep it down no dude you just get sucked in. You spend that much time in the city, and again, it's just like there's nothing else to watch. You get sucked in. What about, I mean, did you feel that way about the Flyers and the Phillies? I got big into the Flyers, yeah.

Yeah. There was like, I always, I grew up like a Devils fan. I liked Martin Brodeur a lot. But then I moved to Philly. I liked the Flyers. I had a couple buddies

that were really into the Flyers and they like helped me get into it. No Whalers affiliation at all? Well, the Whalers like, the Whalers were done. They moved to Carolina when I was like fucking five. Yeah. Wait, the Whalers started in Connecticut?

Hartford Whalers. Oh, Hartford. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, my. Dude, that's one of the best logos of all time. It might be the best logo of all time.

Dang. Brewers is up there. I like Milwaukee Brewers. What's that? Brewers is good, too. Sick. just a mitt yeah ball in the middle

that's where you catch it ball in the middle where it should be yeah where exactly probably you want to be in the netting but I'll take that

yeah are we talking about yeah dude I broke in Burt Kreischer's daughter's glove that sounds very strange that was disgusting dude yeah I broke in Burt Kreischer's daughter's glove. That sounds very strange. That was disgusting.

Dude. Yeah, yeah. I broke in Bert Kreischer's daughter's glove. It's very honest. Good Christ. I just got that. Hold on. He means it literally,

but that is the most disgusting euphemism of all time. It's a good soliloquy, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That means broken in too many clothes. Not enough daughters, to be honest with you. There was one I had to put a bunch of oil on it before there was a new one. One I threw in the oven. Another I put in between my mattress. You gotta put a ball in there. No Chris and I went with Shane. He performed on Bert's tour at a minor league baseball stadium. It was like a Yankees minor league. And we were like, do you have gloves? Because I just want to throw in the outfield in between sets.

And we threw a ball for him. Dude, it was the best thing in the world. You and his daughter? Me and him. No, no. I'm still on the daughter thing. Yeah, I know. Well, I hated him back to him.

I'm still thinking about Bert Crusher's daughter. He was like, they haven't used this. I bought these things five years ago. They haven't used them. And I was like, I'll have this broken in. Just give me a couple hours. And Chris and I threw. His timeline is crazy.

Literally two hours. Why? Because we talked to him after we had used the gloves. And he was like. I talked to him personally after that. Yeah. So what I'm saying is what he told me.

Not before. I'm saying he told me that after when I handed him the gloves. Anyway, I handed it back and he's like, they had these for five years. They hadn't done anything with them.

I was like, now try and squeeze it. And he was like, oh my God, dude. So happy. Thank you. How's that timeline for you? I can squeeze my daughter's

gloves properly. He's a little cocksucker. I know. His timeline's all out of whack. Like, what a fucking idiot. Dude, I just had an image of us at just some fucking run-down shitty bar fucking 40 years from now

being like, you got the timeline wrong. I'm telling the story, would you shut up? The timeline's all out of whack. So how long are you here? You don't have any extra time, right? You're going to dinner at 7.30? Yeah, dinner with Barry at 7.30. Oh, Barry, how's he doing? I haven't talked to him in a while. His wife's, or girlfriend's about to have a kid in a month.

Pregnant? Cool, you guys can both be annoying. Yeah. Why is that annoying? Yeah, why is that? Nah, it's only annoying when you're a brand new mom who couldn't get pregnant for a long time. And you know what's coming when it happens. Every goddamn fucking moment has got to be documented.

You know somebody's struggling to get pregnant. They voice it online even though it's nobody's fucking business. Nobody should be involved in this whole thing. All of a sudden, you got the whole community. They got the world fucking staring at you. You finally get pregnant, and then it's like everything is about

the fucking kid. I mean, you did get really excited about new pants. Yeah. I said it once and moved on. Classic no strings attached.

Yeah, not true at all. Oh, you know what, Chris? That's a great idea. Every month, I'm going to put my pants on the couch and go, month two,

aren't they beautiful? I'll wrap them in a fucking bow. Good idea. It's a great idea. Yeah,? I'll wrap them in a fucking bow. Good idea. It's a great idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good idea. It's a sick idea.

Yeah, show the wear and tear. Yeah, yeah. No wear and tear. Month two, holding up. One of my favorite things about becoming a dad, other than, you know, raising a human, is not talking about my kid. Yeah.

Because that's all fucking people do. Yeah, it's crazy. Why? Who gives a shit? Who do you mean? It's incredible. It's a kid. It's a new person.

Yeah, but like... You ever see a baby? Have you not been around new parents? They don't shut up about the fuck, every nuance of your child. Yeah. It's weird. Fuck.

It's weird. It depends. It depends. I don't like the parents that are bragging about stuff. Watch him do this. But I do. I get it. Did we say this on this podcast?

I get it. You've got a kid. You've got new hands. Have you ever seen new hands? Brand new hands. They're crazy. They got new hands. You ever seen new hands? What? Brand new hands. They're crazy. They are. New fingernails?

It is adorable. Look, I love it. Just saying, keep it in your fucking, keep it in your pants. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Dude. No, dude, like it. It's all attention.

It's all attention. Fresh hands. It's like, shut the fuck up. It's attention, for sure. Walking into a coffee shop and letting the leash of a dog go so it can go around and sniff other people and they're just going, It's just what he does.

He likes it. We thought he was going to be so smart. Shut the fuck up. He's wetting my ankles. Breath stinks. That's what I'm going to do with the baby. I'm just going to push the stroller. He likes to get near new people.

Yeah, exactly. Tommy's going to be like, his breath stinks. Brush its fucking teeth. He's got hair on its teeth. I'm sorry. He's a burk. Nothing fires me up more than fucking having a child. Letting your child order for you

when there's a line. Wait, what? Yeah, dude, it happens. These are the parents I fucking can't stand. The kid will be four or five years old. You'll be in line at Wawa or even the fucking coffee shop. It just happened here.

There's people waiting. She's pushing one kid with a straw and she's like, tell him what you want, Charlie. And Charlie's like, um. And he's like pushing stuff and it's like, touch the head like pushing stuff and it's like he

doesn't speak yet he's like coffee shop they're trying to teach him the order and I like there's seven people waiting for a coffee I don't have any Adderall or Klonopin on me so I'm getting all worked up dude I like the little piece of shit, tie him to your other dumb kid until he can learn how to drive. Then they can talk. Order your coffee and fuck off. I would take that every day of the week and twice on Sunday over an adult ordering a complicated drink with a big line. True. If you get to the front of a big line and you order something that has six ingredients,

fucking go right to hell. Right, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This lady is under duress. I don't think ordering is something you need to teach your child from a young age. Exactly. They just learn it over time.

Exactly. It's a conversation. They can talk to you. It's attention. They can read and talk. It's attention. They'll figure out you It's attention They can read and talk Like you see a dumb fucking broad with fake lips Holding a tiny pocketbook Dog, it's attention

She just wants attention From the dog From strangers So she can get fucking goofed in There is no greater red flag Than a woman with a tiny dog Yeah, in front of a hookah bar. There is no greater red flag than a woman with a tiny dog. Yeah, exactly. It's huge.

You guys don't have a tiny dog, do you? No, we have two big dogs. No, it's not rules. I never met your second dog. We got a second dog, a husky shepherd mix. Leo. He's a big boy. There you go.

80 pounds, 85 pounds. Damn. You got the space. How long are you in this house? I guess we could talk off camera about personal stuff. We could talk on, off, in, out, whatever you want, Tom. You can put it anywhere you want, Tom. Break in my glove, dude.

Break in my glove, dude. Zoom in on that, dude. That's worn. You got a worn little... Dude, that's sick aeration. Yeah, dude, vintage. Damn. I got a vintage glove.

Whatever that means to you, that's sick aeration. Yeah, dude, vintage. Damn. I got a vintage glove. Whatever that means to you, that's what it is. It's tiny. God, why did you move west? It's so gay. It's the worst. This podcast is going to cancel me. Why the desert? Free rent.

Oh, I don't mean gay like homosexual. Oh, oh, oh. I mean, it's terrible. Yeah, we lived in LA. My in-laws bought a house in the desert, but they couldn't move in for like a year and a half. So like, you guys can move down there. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, so we're just doing this. Yeah, that's the big one. But now, when they

come back, you should come back here. Well, they come back, baby's gonna be born, so we'll have a little help for the first few months. Crossover help. And that is mission critical. It seems like that to me. That's why people never leave town. Because they're like, my mom...

Do you see how expensive... My brother told me how expensive it is for daycare. It's crazy. It's unbelievable. It's like half a wage or half a living. Like an income. It's nuts. For like, bargain basement dog shit care yeah yes i'm not kidding it's like yeah you have siblings i have an older brother yeah kid yeah too

but his friends they live around our parents so like they get the stuff, but his friends are like, dude. They're spending heaps and gobs of money. Yeah. They're all rich though. Just to go to work. They're not that rich. Look how angry he is. Yeah.

I'm not angry. I just didn't sleep. Yeah. I'm not angry. You got anything to plug, Jason? Are we at the end here? We're fucking shipping me out. No, we got another hour. Yeah. What do you want to plug, Jason? Are we at the end here? We're fucking shipping me out? No, we got another hour. Yeah.

What do you want to plug? Little Caesars. Eat it. It's good. Go to my fucking Instagram. If you're a father and you're neglecting your son, bring him a Little Caesars. I'm your guy.

I can give you some first-hand experience on how to neglect, push him to the ground, then pick him back up 18 years later. I love his confidence, too. Also, what you didn't say in that story is you hadn't seen or spoken to your father in years. Were you there for the first time?

Yes. That's the story I wanted you to tell. I didn't realize that was the first. So the Eagles-Giants game was the first time you had seen story I wanted you to tell I didn't realize that was the first so the Eagles Giants game was the first time you had seen or talked to him in years yeah yeah

since I was 18 this was the fucking game we went to it was like yeah whatever 15 years 16 years I had to bring my

back up dude yeah bring my bouncer in case it got fucking weird I would have to hit your brother with a hammer

to get him down that would have been tough you shake hands you hug what do you do? Yeah, we did a lot more than that, I'll be honest with you. Were you drugs? No, we had met before. Started eating a hot dog from opposite ends.

Yeah. Yeah, we lady in the train. No, no. The reconnection was we had got lunch and a beer before that before that I had sent him an email

he's an accountant and the subject line was back taxes question mark that fucking rules that does rule but you hadn't

were you talking to your brother your brother and sister I had been talking to my brother and my sister like years before that. So that started with them and then eased into the

parental figure. Yeah. That's crazy. Old Beef Stew. I think his name was Beef Stew. Beef Stew. He used to call me Beef Stew Junior. Oh, God, that hurt. I kind of liked it. Did you? Yeah. We had a friend, my buddy Brian.

Nobody shortened that? What? Beef Stew Junior? What was the shortened version? It's like a Muslim name. Yeah. There's so many names. I was fucking nine.

I don't... I guess you just call him Beef. That's a sick nickname. That is a good name. Yeah. Who's coming? Beef Junior? Dude, he had a buddy that was called,

who I heard him, just remember calling him Beef the whole time. His buddy, I don't even know what his real name is. His name was just Hoss. I love that. They just called him Hoss.

I like that. It was just this like 110 pound, 5 foot 2 Italian guy with a mustache that I can only assume a third of his weight was his penis.

It took me a long time. He's like, why did they call this guy Haas? And then eventually someone was like, because his dick is huge. I was like, oh, okay, I got it, I got it. This guy's been shoveling gravel for 40 years, but he's got a smile ear to ear, dude. Doesn't really care.

Some of those tiny whops you can tell are huge hogs. Yeah. Shout out Haas. Yeah. Shout out Haas. Shout out Haas. How did Haas become the name for a big penis? I don't know. It's pretty sick though. It feels a heavy word.

It is a heavy word. It's a two-handed word for sure. You can slap that on a bathroom scale and get a reading. You know what I mean? All right. See you on the page.

All right. Sick.