Stuff Island - Stuff Island #97 - 'Bout to Be Bright Out w/ Billy Wayne Davis

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Billy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/billywaynedavis/ Download the DraftKings app NOW and use code STUFFISLAND to sign up! New customers can take home TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS IN BONUS BETS INSTANTLY just for betting five bucks. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE, go to Mintmobile.com/stuff Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Shane opened for Chappelle, so we had to take Shane's parents through JFK on Tuesday at midnight to take this fucking red-eye to start our week. And dude, I can't sleep on planes. And I was like, all right, well, maybe I won't drink for a while until like 10 p.m. I'll get fucked up at the airport. That doesn't work. It doesn't matter if I take Valium,

how drunk I am. Yeah, you're drinking. If you can't sleep on a plane, period. Never. You can't sleep on a plane. No, right. My problem is

I have no problem sleeping on a plane. But? My friend, my buddy pointed out he's an ex-tour manager. Now he's like a kid singer and does well. But he pointed out. Oh. You say a kid singer?

Yeah. What do you mean kid singer? What's a kid singer? Pull up the mic towards your face. Sorry, I didn't. Your southern jaw is not going I understand you got a foot away from your head and I also I'm not a huge

loud talker like a Philly person so I what do you mean we left dude I probably need to hail on the sound guy over here

he's like fuck this dude um one of my best friends is a Philly guy so it's like I love you guys my wife's family

is from Philly so it's like it's this magical land I didn't understand until you start from Philly, so it's like it's this magical land I didn't understand until you start meeting Philly people. What's wrong with you? And then you're like, oh, I'm from Philadelphia.

Yeah, you are. There's a charm to it. Oh, it's my favorite. Let's get back to Kid Singer. Hey, he's an adult that sings children's music. He's quite great at it. Okay.

Like original children's music? Yeah. Wait, like voiceover for like audio books and TV? Not yet, but I'm sure that will happen because he's like... He's in the open mic kid singing circuit right now? I mean, that is a funny... He would love that, actually. He lives in Nashville, so he's a musician.

And I think he found his niche making children's music. He's always been great with kids. And then how he makes... Because I have a million questions, too. You know what I mean? So I understand. Fuck the red-eye, dude. Let's get into the question. It is fascinating. Well, um, he lived in LA for a little bit,

but he started in Nashville cause he found like this niche and, uh, How do you stumble into that niche? I guess in online groups, private chat groups, dark webs. Trust me, I had a lot of questions in the. Hey, and he's funny. So he's like, listen, there's a lot of suspect behavior in what I'm doing. Yeah. So he.

It's like, well, Nashville for musicians is kind of like New York for standup. Yeah. So there's like 9 million of those motherfuckers around different genres of different things. And like, they're all pretty good musicians. And I think he was like, looked around and was like,

eventually it was like, Oh, I like kids and being around children. And I'm not like a sad man or like a sexy dude or like a country music singer type. Yeah. Or I'm not like this amazing studio musician. Yeah.

But I know I'm friends with all these people, so I can produce kids' music. And then he released some records, and they're awesome. Really? That rules. Like, I have two kids, and, like, I was, like, the first, you know, because he's my buddy I met. He was tour managing Ralphie May when I met him.

So to be like, oh, I also do kids' music. You're like, go on. Yeah. What a weird combo. Does he have a favorite children's song of all time i think i think he has different versions of his yeah um my favorite song is like there's this jam called uh trees are the hair of the earth it's just a good yeah that is pretty good chris i have a feeling you'd be good at this.

I also smoke a lot of weed. Yeah. My favorite is I don't want to live on the moon. Yeah, true. That you already know. My kids like it. And he produces it with talented, successful musicians throughout the country. So the music's good.

Yeah, yeah. It's not like blippy or something like that. So it's like good music but it's for children that like it. Well, psychologically there is like a fundamental process to like the notes and the pacing and all that stuff, right?

Well, what's cool is how he makes like regular money. You guys know you release a record and people are like you're rich oh no we never there's never any money involved in that is he teaches

music class to like children and plays originals private schools and teaches them how to play music that'd be great if a bunch of 5 year olds were like oh my god play the hits. Yes.

I spent all day eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Shit in my pants. You're not going to play the fucking hits? I don't want to hear your new shit. Yeah, just being free. Yeah, you're like, hey, this isn't your writer's circle. What are you doing? Yeah.

But what's interesting and what I love about it is because he's good with kids, I can get pointers about like hey i'm having trouble getting my kid to listen to this this and this and he'd be like oh if you count down backwards they love that shit damn really and uh we're just like he's like that's a way that i can get them to be like the song's about to start and and it'll get their attention. And then I'll do it to my son. I'll be like, hey, in five, four, and he'll just be like. I'll be like, oh, that is weird. But it's interesting because, you know, like we stand-ups, you start knowing how to train a crowd and stuff,

and then you realize, like, oh, that's what you're doing. And it's, like, harder. Yeah. And then he pointed out, he's like, well, it's probably the same. Drunk adults are kids. That's what we talk about all the time. Yeah, you're wrangling water heads all day long. And I bring up the time.

Whether you're on stage or off, dude. One time I was in Wichita, Kansas at the Looney Bin. Rest in peace, Looney Bin. That went under? Yeah, finally. It didn't even go under. The guy that owned it died. He had the only key to the front door.

I really do think. Well, the other owner was like, after the, there was two owners, and when the one dude died unexpectedly, the other guy was like, bye. I do not. I was just in this because he was still doing it. Yeah. And I got it. But that place was like notorious lunacy, and they were just, it was just. It was was still doing it. Yeah. And I got it. But that place was like notorious lunacy.

And they were just, it was just. It was a loony bin. It was a loony bin. And it was like a honky tonk where like all that was missing was the chicken wire. Like in Roadhouse. At one show, and I'm not making this up. They were just so drunk. And it was like packed, which is a nightmare when the whole audience is in a blackout,

but there's 200, 250 of them. Yeah. Yeah. So they're right. And I just pulled out my keys and started shaking it because I thought it was funny. Yeah. Because I was like, this is out of control. I've got a guarantee.

So I'm got a guarantee so this I'm just babysitting and I started shaking my keys like a baby and it worked I got all I got the whole audience within 30 seconds and now I didn't know what to do yeah you think your buddy like took, took, for touring, for comics, like, took all this stuff in going, like, I can use all of my knowledge about how to wrangle drunk audiences and make some money off. Well, he was a tour manager, so he didn't do stand-up. Yeah, but he's watching stand-ups.

I do think he is a student of human behavior. Yeah, exactly. He's more of a psychologist. He's really good at, like, I think I call him out, he's really good at triangulation because he's like a child of divorce. Ah.

What's triangulation? It's like you're kind of playing two people off each other. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Well, I don't think he knows he's doing it a lot. A lot of children of divorce are masters at it. It's also known as sociopath. Well, that's if you know you're doing it.

I don't know. I don't know. You don't know you're doing it? If you don't know you're doing it and you're still doing it, I mean, you're still like a, I don't know. If you don't know that you're killing people and you're killing people, you're still a psychopath. I think you know you're killing people.

Let him walk. How do you not know? He didn't know. How do you not know you're killing people. I think you know you're killing people. Let him walk. He didn't know. How do you not know you're killing people? I don't know. Again, I love when people meet Chris for the first time. It's a very special moment. No, if you're manipulating people, but it's

just so natural to you that you don't even realize you're doing it, still, that's... It's talent. You better pull a piece of paper out and write some songs for five-year-olds, dude. I don't think so. I think that's crazy. We have a friend that's a really, he's an accomplished writer that once said writing

children's shows for like Nickelodeon and all the streaming channels is like a lot of money and once you get the formula down, it's so easy to just tell a simple story. If you know the story structure, you can make a lot of fucking money. I don't know. There's some real good. Did you watch Bluey? I know all of them. Bluey's really good.

First of all, he has two kids. How the fuck do you know Bluey? I mean, I've got a niece and a nephew. If you're around kids, you know this. I was trying to get you in the bear trap right there. They're like hipsters with what they like yeah it's true it is like this is what i'm into and you're like you're 48 yeah yeah yeah that is blippy's the guy that had his buddy shit on right yeah he was i i was yeah I missed the story. I missed the story. He was like a failed comic.

Yeah. Right? Like open mic-er. Yeah. And I knew right away Blippi was from the Northwest because my oldest son was into him, and I was just kind of watching it and was like, this dude, I lived in Seattle for six years,

so I was like, this dude understands algorithms. Yeah. That was clear from the start more than he was a good like kids guy yeah yeah because like some of the videos i would watch i'm like oh this dude's hung over like he's doing all this like hung over you can see it who was blippy was he some dude they've replaced him you know because he a fortune. Dude, he was on the screen of the flight from Virgin Airlines coming back from Dublin. Or Heathrow. The new guy is.

Blippi. The guy that shit on his buddy. But there's a new one. Oh, they got rid of him. I think he probably got tired of doing it. Yeah. Shitting on his buddy? Or, you know, just being like, this is a fire truck.

Dude, he made bank. That dude was making money. So much money. Millions of millions. He would dress up in a goofy outfit and act like a three-year-old. As an adult. And the show got progressively better. I think more people got involved because it got, it's a better show for kids than the

beginning ones. Because the beginning ones are this this hungover dude in an outfit yeah being like we're here in bellevue washington and this is a fire truck and you're like this is shit dude i know well it's like the vibe i know but it would hypnotize your children people like yes put on blippy oh it was like a babysitter. It is. But to me, I was watching it and being like, this is clearly some dude who understands YouTube and is trying to figure out his money-making thing. He didn't have a passion for any of it.

No. We hope. But it is. You're watching Hope. His heart's clearly not in this. Well, I'm just my friends and then also we know so many lunatics yeah yeah it's easier that are like i know algorithms so now i'm gonna be a like a fucking chef yeah like yeah yeah not but you don't cook that's right that was my big problem

with teletubbies i never liked teletubbies because they were just gibberish, right? Well, I think that was some... Like he said, they figured out some formula that babies were like, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And parents are like, ah, they shut the fuck up when that's on. At least there's no words. That's probably a parent's dream.

I have a Teletubby toy. I don't know if you know this story. I don't. So, you know, you push their bellies and they're like, or whatever they do. Yeah, I don't even think they do that. Yeah.

So they had these toys and you push their belly and they said that whatever the purple one says or whatever the blue one well this story got out that and this was like play it backwards well it was at the beginning it was like early internet and this dude got fired from the factory that programmed them and he still got you know had two weeks left or whatever,

and they didn't just make him go home. So he went in and programmed this one to say, and it would be like, it would be like, da-ba-da-ba, da-ba-da-ba. And then it would say, f***, f***, f***, f***, bite my butt. And me and my... Wait, bite my butt?

It would say, f***, f***, bite my butt. And me and my... Wait, bite my butt? It would say, F*** it. F*** it. Bite my butt. Holy shit. So me and my family were like, we heard about this and stuff, and all of us are kind of fun goofballs, and we were like, let's go to Walmart right now.

Yeah, yeah. And we found it at Walmart. No way. We have one. My sister, I think, still has it. Oh, put it in a glass cube. Save that forever. It's one of my favorite.

Because when, you know, we're going through them in the aisle at Walmart and then pushing them, which is already funny because they're all making a bunch of fucking noise. You got to go to Pawn Stars. And then we hit the one and it was like, and we were all like, oh my God. And we only found one because we were like, we're buying all these and send them to our favorite people. Yeah. But there was just like one and we found it and we have it dude it's like buying like a whole box of

cards looking for like barry bond's rookie card you just get a whole truckload of the purple boy also it's like i'd be lose after listening to all the other ones finally getting to the one you got to be thinking like is it like that dress that gold dress or whatever well we were like we were even laughing. Like, even this is made up. This is funny because they got us in the car and we went to Walmart to chase this. I was like, it's even fun. It was like a weird scavenger hunt.

Then we found it and we were like, holy fuck. Dude. And it was like our whole family, moms, uncles, everyone's laughing at this thing saying, which is like, this is not what we thought we'd be doing. Yeah, but that is like high-level marketing genius. It's like, how do we penetrate the Southern American market? We make up a story that a guy that we fired said the exact words you want to hear yeah it was brilliant it I mean it says it that's crazy it was crazy that we were all kind of like whoa so was he

fuzzy mobbed were there other people doing it or was it just no it's just my lunatic family in this thing yeah come on in is that Shane look like that guy from TV Dude does he live here was he doing upstairs? Oh, okay. Yeah, so much more sense I'm just like you say we double once you're late. I figured we'd have to have somebody else. That makes more sense than him just walking in the door like that. Like, did you guys give him a key? He was like, I just see what y'all are doing on a Thursday. Dude, let's get back to the fucking red eye. So, yes, sorry.

Let's get off the pink eye and get back to the red eye. If you sleep good on red eyes or on planes, how did the red eye fuck you up? Your back? 42. Yeah. There's no good sleep on a plane. No. Even when you're like, because what you're doing, there's no REM.

There's no, like, what you're doing is, like, you're doing this, and you're trying to time travel. Yeah. All I'm trying to do is time travel. I'll tell you about the best flight i've ever had was to dublin i i got done with the tour and i drove like 24 straight hours at the end of the tour to get home to see my family for like 12 or 13 hours before i had to go yeah don't do that yeah i've only done that twice 24 hours what do you mean straight you You didn't stop once?

Well, you have to stop to piss and shit. But not to sleep. None. I've done it twice. So your kids are going to be raised without a father. You can't be fucking. Well, no, this is years ago. This I don't.

But when you're younger, you can do dumber stuff. Yeah. You almost want to push the envelope. You're like. The first time I did, I want to see how far I could go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's 24 hours. You almost want to push the envelope The first time I did I wanted to see how far I could go Yeah And then it's 24 hours And you start being like

Oh those things are there for me And you pull off And you sleep whatever And then this time was just like It was like family dad stuff that I had on my mind Where I was like I just need to see him before I go Across I just need to And I did it And I just need to see them before I go across. I just need to. Yeah.

And I did it, and I made it to Palm Springs, which is like an hour, an hour and a half outside of L.A. Yeah. And that thing started again where I was like, oh, yep, this is pretty consistent. 24 hours, I'm going to die. And then I slept, did that, hung out with the family, slept maybe a couple hours for my flight i had a 250 milligram rice krispie treat holy shit and i had that in my pocket on the way to the airport i got

to bradley terminal the international terminal lax which is actually nice i've always wondered about that yeah and you get in there, you're like, oh, good. Because, like, when people are coming over, you're like, you don't want LAX to be their first introduction to America. Yeah, yeah. Because you're like, this is a nightmare. But Bradley Terminal is really great and nice. You're like, all right, we've thought this through. But there's an Unami burger in there.

So I don't know if you guys know, when you eat edibles, you need to eat them with fat soluble, like fatty stuff to make them activate. Because cannabis is fat soluble. So I had a Unami burger and then I was like, I'm eating this whole fucking thing. I had a first class seat. And I fell asleep. You took a rocket to Dublin. I fell asleep. Dublin took a rocket to Dublin. I fell asleep. Dublin's on the moon.

I fell asleep before we took off. And then when we landed in Reykjavik, Iceland, the lady beside me was doing this. And I woke up. We were taxiing. We weren't, we hadn't just like almost, we were taxiing in. And she goes, oh, thank God you're alive. And I was like, where are we?

And she was like, we're in Iceland. I love that, too, for her. She was like, she waited to find out if you were dead when she landed. I think that's a smart reason. I'm not mad at her for that, because I wouldn't want to know. Mid-flight, there's nothing you can do. Also, it would fuck her flight up. Yeah, yeah.

Say this guy's dead, now I've got to drop off in fucking Ukraine? Yes. I don't know where they're... I don't know what's in the middle. Newfoundland or something? I just picked a country. He's not our navigator. All right, Finland, Norway, pick one of those fucking...

Just jump him out. He's not our navigator. All right, Finland, Norway, pick one of those fucking... Just dump him out. Yeah, yeah. He's dead. But I don't remember any of that. Like, that was, like, actual time travel. Yeah, that's nice. But I was drugged and, like, so tired. But I didn't feel rested.

I just felt, like, drugged. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when you stay up for 24 hours, it's hard. You need some solid sleep in order to get that back. Yeah, but the whole thing is, the red eye, Chris and I got sent the flight information from Shane's agent. Shane's in first class.

I shit the bed. I had like an hour to upgrade us to basically Comfort Plus for Virgin. It's a huge difference. There's only two seats. You've got double the width. It's like this. It's almost like first class on many flights for the international. It's eight hours.

The business class on an international flight is like, you're flying private a little bit inside. Yeah, exactly. It's unbelievable. I waited an hour because I hadn't spoken to him yet. I was like, we should upgrade. As soon as I opened the app, exactly. It's unbelievable. Yeah. I waited an hour because I hadn't spoken to him yet. I was like, we should upgrade. As soon as I opened the app, gone. So now we're in fucking regular class.

And, you know, it did go back a bit. It was pretty good. Well, it's good if you could sleep on planes. I can't sleep on planes. I will say on international flights, they will accommodate even the shittier people better. Yeah, they just give them boosts. We were Virgin Atlantic, too. It was nice.

But I think it's just because they're like, if we treat them nicer, they're nicer to us. Yeah, yeah. And we're in here for at least eight hours. 100%. Yeah, yeah. It should be treated that way. Except that one bitch that told me I couldn't piss. She got real upset. Yeah, yeah. It should be treated that way. Except that one bitch that told me I couldn't piss.

She got real upset. I was like, I have to pee. The only good-looking woman on the plane was like, sir, she pulled out. I was waiting in the middle of the plane because they told us to go to the middle of the plane to piss. She pulls, she's staring at me. She's already mean mugging me. And I see her and I just look down

I'm like she's gonna be a problem she unhooks this thing and just talks about how dangerous it is to be standing while the seatbelt sign is on we would appreciate if no one just meanders around

the middle oh this is the flight attendant yes yes and I start looking at my feet again going she can't be this fucking serious

I just gotta I almost wanna tell her I to do a number one. I'm only going to do one. No two, I'll be out of your hair. She hangs up and she goes, you, you're still here. Didn't I just say? And I was like, I just have to pee real quick. Whoa.

Dude, the attitude on this bitch's face. You could have been like, well, you didn't have to do the whole plane. You could have just told me. Yeah, yeah. Well, she was thinking, I was like, as soon as the plane team came on, like didn't have to do the whole plane. You could have just told me. It was me, you psycho. Well, she was thinking, I was like, as soon as the plane team came on, like, I got to get out of here. It's like, I know what you're doing. You're riling up. You're riling up.

You're a fucking, dude, you are. They're heightening the situation that is not. For no reason. Because she's a dramatic little twat. She's a toll booth operator. You said the twat thing, but the dramatic part is definitely true. She's a toll booth operator. The dramatic part is definitely true. She's a double twat, one dramatic. Two twats, one dramatic.

This bitch fucking sucked, dude. I guess when she points and goes, you. You. That is a twatty move. And then she hung up her little microphone real aggressively. Yeah, I'm talking to you. And then she goes like this. She goes, sir, I'm going to have to report you.

And I was like, to who? To who? Yeah. What the fuck does that even mean? goes like this she goes sir i'm gonna have to report you and i was like to who to who yeah what the fuck does that even mean that way we report me so i never come back to dublin i'm not coming back to this shit hole anyway and i'll also never take a red eye so you'll never see me again you well i would like let's examine that real quick because this is where my smart ass my this is where the philly is you guys get emotional. The hillbilly to me, I get analytical where I'm like, so you're going to report me to the authorities and tell them he wouldn't sit down

when I vaguely told everyone to sit down. Yes. Well, this is what I said to him. Once you land, she's changing that story. Yeah. I hit her. To something insane. I touched her appropriately.

It was crazy turbulence. Oh, she's doing, you what you did yeah yeah yeah yeah she's ready report going I should have went quietly you know it's like I'll wait and I should have went back to my seat dude pissed myself and then I should have went quietly and I was like I'll wait and I should have went back to my seat and pissed myself and then I should have started crying like a toddler once the seatbelt sign came off I should have waddled to the front screaming for my mom I tried to go

I also tried dude they were bad we were sitting on the tarmac for like an hour Dude, they were bad. I was sitting. We were sitting on the tarmac for like an hour. Two hours. No, it was two hours. Two hours, but on the way there, we were sitting on it for like an hour.

Is this JFK? Yeah, yeah. What? No, no, no, no, no. This was leaving. We got a two-hour delay coming back leaving Heathrow. Oh, unless it's super busy. Yeah.

The airport is crazy. They're like system shut down, I think. Their radar shut down, so they do it manually. That's good. That gives you confidence. So everybody else is snoozing. Shane's laying down first class. He missed the whole two-hour delay.

He missed the whole two-hour delay. He wakes up, the plane's still here. He's like, what are we doing? That'd be like me coming out of the Rice Krispie Treat stupor and we're still in the... I've been asleep for like six hours and we're still in LA. What? The whole purpose of the snack.

How? I could have been at my house. Dude, that happened to my brother in Australia. He was coming back from Australia, and he took like a melatonin or something, and he passed out, and he woke up, and he was like, I felt amazing, and we were like on the tarmac, and I went like, holy shit, I did it.

I did it. I slept through a 20-hour flight. It was five minutes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I love when people talk. I think they had been on the tarmac for like four hours. They just had taken off. He was like, oh.

Why is everyone so pissed? We're here. Dude, but I was sitting there and I had my seat reclined because we're just not doing anything. And the lady comes through and is like, she just goes, can i get your seat back up then and i was started like going to press the button and she just hit the button herself and pulled my seat back up and i was like nope oh my god i'm gonna i'm gonna get kicked off this

like i'm about to be in a viral video where i like fucking murder a stewardess and i don't know dude she was a brute i should have i should have been running odds more mad yeah she was a she was a fucking monster that is oh it was insane and she they would just come by and go can i get your window shade down and it's about to be brought out this This is the whole. And like, dude. What accent is that? I don't know. He mixes them all up. Yeah.

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It's crazy. Five days. Five days, the birds hit the grass against the Patriots, that scumbag franchise that I'm going to watch cry themselves to sleep for the next five to ten years. Not a bad squad, but you're going to get fucked up. Who is this? We're playing the Patriots on Sunday.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if you know this yet, but as soon as you pass out, I'm painting your face Saturday night. You're going to get fired up for the game. We got plans. Haven't told you them yet. A lot of people think that this move they made with Mac Jones is a vote of confidence.

I don't think it is at all. I like that tall fucking weird robot. I like Mac Jones, but I'm just saying. Yeah, he's kind of like Daniel Jones. They're just extraordinarily athletic white guys that don't look it. But they can turn it on. Yeah, yeah of like Daniel Jones. They're just extraordinarily athletic white guys that don't look it. But they can turn it on. Like Daniel Jones, his speed is outrageous.

Mack Jones aren't. They're going to put their pieces together. I think they're going to be all right. God, being a quarterback in New York stinks. Wow, you imagine? There hasn't been a flashy, fuck you and your mother quarterback. Aaron Rogers,

baby. I know, but I'm saying like from, yeah, the last 21. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

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have fun. Fucking let it rip, dude. I say take ND over Ohio State. I like the way Notre Dame's looking. We'll be there. Yeah, we will be there. And I'm excited to see what they do. They finally got a quarterback with a little swagger.

All right. Get your window shakedown and about to be brought out. That's just an angry woman from four or five different places. Yeah, Norway, Finland, Argentina. Right, can I get your seat back up then? Dude, shut the fuck up. That is a combination of every angry woman from everywhere that's ever pissed you off. It's all his ex-girlfriends.

No, for some reason People in London They make you throw the slide up The shade The window shade They do that here now Really I've noticed that The past year

You didn't even notice The guy in our row To the left of me Was conked Dude Yeah dude She made The middle person

Oh my god She made the middle person Oh my god Throw the shade up he didn't move my dude i that drives me fucking also it's his choice yes you spend money you get in that fucking window seat it's your choice whether or not you want that fucking thing it's like a little warm so you get a little warm thing because sometimes the plane's too cold. Yeah. That is your thing. It's an eye mask after fucking eight hours of flight. Yeah.

It's an eye mask. Have you ever flown Spirit? Yes. You can be honest. We all have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all have. Three times like eight years ago.

Because they get you when you're like, oh, $7 for an airplane flight. You're like, I'll see what that's about. Yeah. They charge for the fire escape yeah wait wait charge extra to sit in the fire They might for that too. Where it's like, yeah, if you lay it, you're like, hey, you can either jump out or you can pay the thing and you can take this lie. Yeah, once a cigarette lights a chair on fire. Just openly smoking. That would be so funny.

But I just think that's funny. If the emergency exit was coin operated. It's like 15 extra, you know, it's like 15 extra dollars to, I just get a little more responsibility. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like, usually it's like it you can't sit there because you yeah i've seen people say no before and that was really funny there's some lady oh when you were in the aisle and they're saying are you willing yes because you know i've been on a

million flights never and then one time this lady was like oh no i couldn't do that and they're like well you can't sit here and she was like well there's more room I couldn't do that. And they're like, well, you can't sit here. And she was like, well, there's more room. But it was... I love this lady. It was one of those fights where you're just sitting there and you're like... She denied the responsibility to save others so she can have more leg room? It was, she seemed genuinely... How fat is this lady?

I mean, she wasn't a fitness person, for sure. I would say she was probably mid-60s, not in terrible shape, but not like... She was overweight, for sure, but it was like... I don't think she would have been totally capable of doing it. But to answer that question seriously, it must have been her first flight. I was so... Yes, like everyone in this room, it was like the comedian in me was like, huh, what did you think any of this was? Yeah.

Where I do think it was like, she doesn't fly. It was like, oh, well, this has more room. I'll do this. She took it literally like, I have to save the rest of this plane. I can't do that. Well, I think she thought, oh, like, I have to save the rest of this plane, I can't do that. Well, I think she thought, oh,

no, I can't pull, because they were like, hey, are you capable of pulling the thing and doing the thing and helping people out first? But there's three people in the aisle, and then three on the other side.

It was, that's... She thought it was up to her, because she was the closest to the fucking rig. so fascinated. Because like everyone else, you're just like,

yeah, yeah. Yeah. In your head, you're like, I don't know if I will or not. If it's bad enough, I will just jump out. Yeah, it better be easy. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to help people out. I'll be the first one out the door. I'll open the door all proper and get out.

The door will be open. I don't know about, I don't, I'm not 100% that I will help other people because I don't know about i don't i'm not a hundred percent that i will help other people yeah because i don't know how dramatic and crazy this might be dude the two hour tarmac delay like we all have we have tolerance for many things right so leaving dublin we they took us on a two mile trek to get to our gate thinking all right once we get to the gate we'll have time to have some breakfast a couple bloody marys or something we'll wait nope we walked two miles to get this little shithole and then we waited for a bus when our 20 minutes out the bus took us 100 yards so it took a bunch of freckled fucking bags of shit yeah 100 yards and then we

sat there for another 20 minutes and then we walked on the tarmac to the plane and you have to go either the front or the back that's like Burbank well this was there was a couple like we got to the airport waited in a line to get through security

right are you talking about Dublin airport yeah this is Dublin their security is lax. Yes. When I went to do the comedy festival I was pissed. But the process is ten times more. Because I was like I could have brought so much weed. You guys do not care.

They're just like hey you got freckles get in here. Yeah good for them. I don't want to keep talking about flights but it's like they treat you especially in the two hour layover or the tarmac hold was like you're watching adults being treated like toddlers and they're excited. So every 30 minutes you'd hear from somebody, they'd get excited, and then they would just throw you a bag of two-ounce snacks,

and everybody would eat the snacks and start smiling again, and then they would get a little juice and then they'd be like, uh... But these are people who don't travel though. So they... Dude, it's a whole school of five-year-olds who are like, I know you're upset because we haven't moved in an hour and a half. Who wants snacks? And everyone's like, I don't think I fucking... But they're on a field trip. At one point they get...

They're on an adventure. They're on a field trip. Yeah, they're on a field trip. We are at work. Yes. And we are losing our fucking mind. And we are shaking without boots. Well, yes.

They're like, we can't smoke weed on here. This is an outrage. And like, here's peanuts. You're like, no. At one point, they gave the whole plane a Popsicle. I got a Popsicle. I'm not kidding. I ate his Popsicle.

I took it. I took it. I took it. I ate his Popsicle. I took it because I was like. I ate his popsicle. I took it because I was like. That was the best part. Yeah. I took it because I was like, I'm not going to not take whatever they're giving me.

And then I felt it and it was cold. I was like, did you just give me a fucking popsicle? I don't want a popsicle. I'm telling you, it's fucking preschool. It's preschool. It wasn't even. Flying in the air as an adult is going to preschool. And it wasn't even like a good pop. It was just frozen apple juice.

I got two bags of Fritos and a fucking frozen apple pop. I'm so upset. Like, I'm like physically upset for you guys. When they're like, here's a popsicle. I'd be like, fuck you. And then I couldn't piss. That reminds me of like in college. I should have took an unwrapped popsicle and just put it on my zipper like, are you sure?

Let's say in college, some classes had an attendance policy. Oh, it used to drive me fucking nuts. I'm paying you. Yeah, I'll show up when I want. And if you give me the syllabus and I get an A on everything that's in that thing and I don't come once, fuck you. Yeah. I should get an A. And they're like, well, if you don't come,

you get dropped a letter grade. And you're like, fuck off. This is bullshit. Yeah. It's like I didn't get TSA pre-checked for like two years until my wife,

she's like, why won't you get it? You fly all the time. I was like, because it's extortion. It is. They created an obstacle on purpose. It's a Disneyland-like speed pass.

And then they created a thing, and she goes, you are absolutely right, but you have $85, and you fly a lot, so just pay the fucking tax. Yeah. And I was like, I hate that you make so much sense. Yeah. And she's like, you're right about the principle you know it pats me on the head yeah yeah yeah and now they have clear or whatever which i'm not

i can't get my retinas to a private company i mean but i will say losing that fucking dublin shout out dublin's dublin fans they were their shows were fucking unbelievable oh yeah the crowds the boys yeah holy christmas yeah i was they came out and i went to a festival they didn't know who the fuck i was but they're fans of they're fans of comedy they like what i was putting down nice um and i loved every second. Yeah, they were great, dude. Fans were great. Everyone we talked to was great. City's wonderful.

When I said shithole, I meant the airport. It is a shithole. And that fucking dumb bitch stewardess. It is a shithole. They know it. They're honest. That's what's cool about Ireland is like, you know how here people, like, we all, like,

society is kind of two-faced about everything well you can't say this not in ireland yeah they're like no they're catholic they'll molest you but like everyone's just like open about all that shit and you're like yeah this is how i am yeah dude and everyone yeah everyone is everyone like is funny we like we got to the venue. It's like Philly. Shane had gotten there before us. And I think we were grabbing a beer outside the theater. And we walk in. We go to the guy standing at the front door. And we're like, we're on the show.

And he goes, oh, can I be on Twitch? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, go through, lads. And we went through. There's another guy. No, no, no, no. Yes, yes.

Oh, yes. And there's another no no no no yes yes oh yes and there's another guy and we're like yeah where's the green room and he was like and he just points downstairs to the toilets and we i was like no no seriously we're on the show where's the where's the green room he's like down there i'm serious yeah we went down there and it was just toilets we came back up and some fan recognizes took a picture and he goes all right all right down there. I'm serious. We went down there and it was just toilets. We came back up and some fan recognized us, took a picture and he goes, alright, I'm staying. That is awesome.

It was so funny. I'm sure he's like, even if they are part of the show, it's funny. I'll send him to the toilet. That's what he's like. No, he's just an old guy. He didn't care. He was just being fun. Yeah. Oh, can I be on a twitch? Yeah.

Get in here, lads. Dude, it was fucking great. The people, the way that they drink, too, is awesome because I pointed out to my dad, it was like midnight after the shows and we were walking from some park and it was one of those drinking streets, you know? Yeah. And I was like, you notice how this is different than America? And he was like, what are you talking about? I was like, no one has bothered know? Yeah. And I was like, you notice how this is different than America? And he was like, what are you talking about?

I was like, no one has bothered us. Yeah. Everyone's in a blackout, like, just hammer drunk. But if we're in anywhere on a drunk street in America. Yeah, you're getting fucked with. Someone's fucking with us or yelling with us. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, holy fuck.

No one has. I was like, it's like we don't even exist. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, holy fuck. No one has, I was like, it's like we don't even exist. Yeah, yeah. And that part was awesome. It's like how a poet describes, like, when a poet describes, like, a drunken street in London. You know what I mean? Like, you just see, like, two guys, like, walking along.

In America, they'd be like, look at this fucking dickhead's pants. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. What's wrong with you? Your girlfriend's fat, idiot. Yes.

Yeah, it was a good time. I don't know why I keep saying fat. Women are beautiful. Decent. And they're beautiful. All of them. Yeah, all of them. Every single one of them.

Every single one of them. They're so beautiful. Never met a man. Well, they had the good sense not to be hanging out in the places we were hanging out in. True. I think, dude, every bar we were in, it's like there's no fan. There's no air circulating at all. It's just a group of dudes

standing in their own farts the whole time. I saw some beautiful women when I was there. Everybody was overwhelming. I think as someone with freckles, it's just, you're just like, yeah, everyone is sexy with freckles.

I gotta say, no. See? I know. Look at your hair, though. Your beautiful hair. No, I'm not even doing that. I'm not even doing that. I'm not even doing that.

I think it was just because we had a show on Thursday, two-show Friday, and then we didn't go into the city until, like, Saturday for the Notre Dame game. A little bit Sunday. You went to places that weren't. Yeah, yeah. I was in the middle of Dublin in a park. Yeah. And people, it was.

Yeah, we didn't experience that too much. Up there, well, yeah. Up there, like around St. Stephen's Green, and I think, I don't know if it's west of there, is where it's nice. I heard the same thing. I heard the men and women are beautiful. Up there, Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was... But we were straight in, like, touristy... Yeah, it's like... We were, like, temple bar kind of area. Chelsea and... Yeah, I didn't get there. Soho, like, that kind of... I didn't get there.

That's kind of, like, those type pretty people. Yeah, yeah. Wow, even the men here are just, like, handsome. Like, I was just down there today. Everybody's touristy. It was like, god damn. Kill Kenny or Donegal or the cliffs.

Like all the things you're supposed to do. It's a whole different trip. Yeah, I didn't do any of that because it's like northern. It takes... You got to take a car for two hours and shit.

Yeah. But if you're working, there's no... I think one day Joe List, who's savvy, took a train up to where Bono lives. Yeah, Belfast and stuff.

And then came back and was like, oh, it's really crazy nice up there. It's like where just anyone famous from Ireland lives in this one part. Someone was saying that, yeah. Someone was saying Belfast is cooler than Dublin. Well, we went to the Times Square of Dublin, right? Well, you did. You did. I never went.

Oh, the Temple Bar? Yeah. Isn't that like Times Square? Nah, it's just like, I guess it is kind of Times Square, yeah. You're saying it's like shitty tourist trap. Yeah. Yeah. We went to the library, that old library, the The book of Kelts Like one of the oldest books

In the world See Yeah It was cool Yeah I didn't get any I didn't get any I know

We were We were shitheads about it For sure Well we're also Cause of the red eye Ruined everything I'm blaming on the red eye No it's

Yeah I took one Sunday night To here Had these plans Oh you just took one Yes It's Cause I thought

It was the family thing i was like i can spend an extra day with them before i come in to do and flew into newark from lax uh the plane was delayed like an hour and a half we didn't get on it which was nice you know what i mean we weren't just on the tarmac yeah yeah yeah and uh no there was just like not good sleep it was that kind of like yeah dude sorry yeah yeah and then I kicked his yeah yeah yeah kicking shit I do that well I kicked his poor Indian kid dude like everyone's like sorry sorry I don't know everyone's awful then newark i was gonna take the train in because i was like it's pretty easy and i just woke up just so like fuck all this i was like

i'm gonna get a lift and then that was a nightmare newark airport is like i described it well i described my but i was like oh i forget because i usually take the train it's not a problem but like newark airport is like, I like Manhattan, because everyone's aware there are 150 people around you at all times, and they're acting accordingly. In Newark, 150 people are around you at all times, but motherfuckers act like it's a small town.

And they're just like, no, I'm going to get in the car as slow as I want. And you're like, there's 70 cars behind you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like like fuck all you motherfuckers and then this kid pulled up and he's like get in i was like boom let's go in that weird new york city area kind of way where you're like this ride could cost 20 dollars or he could be like that'll be a thousand dollars but whatever we're moving yeah and we're on our way

yes i yeah that shit fires me up there was like there was like before we landed there was a big thousand dollars. Yeah, but whatever. We're moving. Yeah, and we're on our way. I'll pay whatever it takes. Yeah, that shit fires me up. Before we landed, there was a big line for the bathroom on the plane, and people were washing their hands, and I was just like, what are you, out of your fucking mind? This is... There's a time crunch here. Everyone's got to piss. Just fucking piss

and move. You would love China. Yeah, I bet I would. He doesn't wash his hands when he has three days alone here. Yeah. It's got nothing to do with the airport run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But still, someone being like, scrub up in a tiny sink. Did you know that? There's three to a urinal.

Oh, really? Like in China, like public restrooms. Yeah. My buddy talks about that. He was like, the first time he went, he was like... Three guys in one urinal? He walked up,

pulled his dick out, and two dudes came right up and just started pissing right next to him. He was like, what? And then he looked

and he was like, oh, I'm in their culture. Right. Well, that's also because their belly button acts like a hood to protect their penis. I think that is the science.

Why not do the trough? That's what Dublin is. Yeah, Dublin has the trough. We didn't ask. I've never been to China. Dude, imagine taking a piss and just fucking... Here's a fork and here's a trough. Fix it.

They take over America like five years later. There's the two missing ingredients. Here's the fork. We're all speaking Chinese in 10 years. That's what's holding you back. Everyone's holding you in a piss because of lines. We have evidence. Chris gave him a fork.

That is true. Changed our whole society. I learned one day, I decided I'm going to learn how to use chopsticks. Oh, it's great. It feels great. But there isn't a reason to. You're right. I never thought about that. But it's great and it feels great but there isn't a reason to no you're right no i never thought about that but it's like hitting a three-pointer you grab a piece of

pork and a little bit of nude ah dude it's the best i look around like you see that it is when you figure out how to do it you are like oh yeah look at this yeah yeah and every time you're at like a like a dinner with multiple people and you can do it, you're like, thank God, dude. Thank God I'm not the fucking guy who's like, just spinning them in his hands. You're just stabbing one. No one just can't figure out how to fucking...

Just bury one stick into a meatball. Just throw it into two fucking tree limbs. The way that the hand behaves when someone doesn't know how to... It's like seeing that kid write in cursive, but he has a pencil through the bottom fingers. Who fucking hate you?

Or who didn't hate you? Some people use a pen or a pencil and you're like, what the fuck? I got a buddy that goes through these fingers. Remember the first time you saw a left-handed person write? You're like, what are you doing? Time stopped. I had to ask my saw a left-handed person write? You're like, what are you doing? Time stopped. I had to ask my dad about

left-handed kids. They're just erasing it. My mom's left-handed. I never noticed it until one of my friends. I was like, why do you write like that? You're like, I'm left-handed. That's hard. Don't do it like that. What were you working scissors?

My buddy used to write like this. Like with the pinky at the bottom. Yeah, that's insane. I know, but it actually is a way more comfortable grip. The pinky at the bottom? Yeah. Yeah, like he holds the pen up here and guides with his pinky. Kind of like a chopstick, really.

Yeah. It's also... Yeah. There's no fucking way you're supporting this. Dude, it actually... You're saying grab it here and guide your... Because I would do it like this, like through the holy trinity. Like a normal human being.

Yeah, yeah. I go here. I just recently learned how to use a chef's knife. Yeah. The proper way. Yeah. You like hold it. You bounce in the middle? Yeah. Yeah, and you pinch on the blade. knife. Yeah. The proper way. Yeah. You like hold it. You bounce in the middle?

Yeah. Yeah. And you pinch on the blade. Yeah. Yeah. It makes a huge difference in just holding that goddamn thing. And I was like,

oh, no wonder people can do this so well. Yeah. Wow. Some of them. You got work. Wait, you pinch the blade? Oh, I have a lot of work to do. Yeah.

You go up to the top of the handle and you pinch just above the handle on the blade. Interesting. You're balancing the weight on your middle finger. Yeah. So the weight of the steel and the weight of the wood should balance. You can use it a lot. Okay.

It's why you rock. It's more accurate? Yes. Yeah. Shout out Hexclad. Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Yeah, Hexclad knives. We'll see if they're balanced.

Yeah. I have a Victoria Knox. I got a, yeah. It was affordable, and then I read afterwards. Great reviews, though. Yeah, people were like, it's like... For its price point, it's a very good knife. And I just read, I'm reading Anthony Bourdain's first book,

Kitchen Confidential. Kitchen Confidential? You've never read it? No. It's incredible. I was a server for years, too, so it's just like... It speaks to you as well it is this thing of like oh there is like a it's like a romance to that life that yeah i had to consciously be like you gotta get out of this shit yeah because it

did you enjoy any of it yeah yeah i like working in a restaurant yeah dude so fun it's fun yeah you realize like oh you should work at good ones yeah so fun. Dude, it's so fun. It's fun. You realize, oh, you should work at Goodwins. Yeah, of course. So you make more money. It's the same work. So you should work where people spend more money. So those little things like that. But I loved it.

That and working on a golf course for my two. Besides, I was like maintenance. I wasn't like car boy. But even that's fun. Dude, I landscaped, which is not that, but it's similar. It's the same thing. I'm landscaping a golf course. It's almost like golfing in that you're in your own head.

You have a job that seems monotonous, but it's detail-oriented. Yes. And you become... You feel accomplished every day. It's zen. Yes. They wouldn't... Dude, you're fucking raking a

bunker alone yeah i would love to work under a groundskeeper it's awesome yeah yeah it was awesome um cutting the green i still don't know how green gets it's a special kind of mower yeah yeah i was good and grass special kind of grass yeah well the yeah and then a lot of the big guy the sitting one i could do the small guy I would do the sitting one with the greens. They would not let me. I only got to do the fairways once because I was a baseball player. And you know how they would, you know, they'd do Boston. They'd put the Red Sox.

They'd do different designs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... Cross-hatching. The day they let me do the fairways... You were drunk. I mean, good chance, especially then. You're just all blimpy out there.

Well, I took it so serious because I was like, fuck yeah. And I made these cool designs because you could with those machines. And I was pretty proud of it. I was like, proud of it i was like this is fun and the uh head greens guy was like a volunteer assistant baseball coach that's how i got the job yeah um and i was like he's gonna i was like casey's gonna fucking love this shit because it looks like the red socks fuck face and then middle of the day he was like hey and i. And I was like, yeah, what's up? He's like, you can't do the fairways anymore.

And I was like, what? He's like, the regulars, they don't like it. There's a bunch of old men that play every day. Yeah. So it fucked them up. They didn't like it. Where you're saying there wasn't crosshatching prior to, and they didn't like the way it looked? Well, you know, there would be like a.

Columns. Columns, similar. You could see the design or whatever but it was like pretty standard yeah yeah and then one day you know i came in with zigzags and doing different which i was doing it was like looking back it was like cool what i was doing because i was playing with the lay of the course and all that making the thing that's art but those are yeah no it is And these guys that, you know, and I understand the business part of it too.

It was like, these motherfuckers played every day. Yeah. This is who we're moving the hole for every day because they're playing every day. Yeah. And they love to pretend like the cross hatching versus the normal run of the grass is deeply affecting their game.

That's what Casey said. He was like, well, they're saying the lay of the thing and I was like, they're not that good at golf. Yeah, I would have both started laughing. He's like, no, they're not. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck off. Yeah, they're barely accounting for the wind, I bet. They're just hitting the ball at the hole. that need a place to walk every day.

Yeah, 100%. That is all it was. Yeah. And I loved it. But landscape architects are true artists oh yeah

like you have to like go to school to figure out you look at an acre or two Frederick Law I almost majored in turf management

before I found stand up because that was a major at this school I was going to and I was didn't know what

I wanted to do after I quit playing baseball and I was like I like that job. You're right. You learn how soil and all these chemicals, all that shit works. Yeah.

It was cool. I had a baseball coach. His best friend was the groundskeeper for the Chattanooga Lookouts. It was like a career path I could see. Yeah. It was fun. Like you said, you're just outside every day. It's fulfilling, dude. It was nice. Yeah. But then I found stand-up, and I was see. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like fun. Like you said, you're just outside every day. It's fulfilling, dude.

It was nice. Yeah. But then I found stand-up and I was like, I'll ruin all my desires. Yeah. I would love to be a, oh yeah,

I would love to be a groundskeeper for like a professional football team or like a soccer team. Baseball's where it's at. Baseball? Because like, football or like, football team baseball's where it's at baseball because like football or like football

or soccer is like you're just it's like mowing a lot and you're just kind of tending to it but baseball you have to deal with the dirt you have to deal with the mound you have to like there's like every day there's oakland raiders if you're going football you got to go oakland because you get a baseball diamond not anymore i know i Old school, that would have been it. Those are my teams. That would have been it. They're all going to Vegas. Yeah.

Damn, you must be hurt, huh? It is weird to be like that. Because I'm from Tennessee, so I like the Raiders and the A's. Well, Titans weren't around. They didn't show up until I was in college. Yeah, so fuck that. I mean, I keep up with with them i don't give a fuck you know it's like when they were the oilers dude zero to ten is when you ingratiate yourself

with an organization it was if you come at me at 25 i don't give a shit bo jack you're number two that's why i like the raiders yeah and then the a's was jose canseco and mark wire and you know bo jackson and you put his dick on the top of the toilet so it wouldn't fall in the water? I believe it. Yeah. Did you know that Steve McNair used to have to wrap his like a fucking... Pinwheel?

Like a cinnamon roll. It was so fucking big. Fruit by the foot. Yep. I like that. Heard that rumor from two different people. Yeah. That one of those were like, huh, that may be true.

Eric McNair has to have a hog. That one of those where like, huh, that may be true. Eric McNair has to have a hog. That's crazy. Newt, or Manute Boll could tie his dick in a knot. But that makes sense.

He's like 7'5". Wow. I would try that. But the Bo Jackson thing. That's true, yeah. Yeah. Look it up. I mean,

I feel like that's like something bad happens when you tie your dick in a knot. You know what I mean? I don't think you would go real tight, dude. I feel like some's like something bad happens when you tie your dick in a knot. I don't think you would go real tight, dude. I feel like some type of curse comes out. He grows an inch every time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is, yeah. You know, it's like one of those things where you're like, can I twist my... You know, you wish it was bigger and then it got bigger and you're like, I wish I wouldn't have done that. I got dumber. No, but it's like, you know,

people sometimes get their balls twisted up and it's like you know like people like sometimes get their balls twisted up and it's like uh yeah that's a huge problem no yeah it's like a big problem i think you could like spin your balls around and then unspin them to you no that is a thing but i have like bigger balls than most you have long nuts or big balls big balls i got big balls no sack he's got long nuts i got long balls they're like long yeah yeah yeah i think one of them's pretty big too mine is jesus mine are bigger but they're like tight yeah they don't hang unless it's like crazy hot or yeah like i've been in a hot tub for doing oh i'm like but i didn't you know you don't know you have big balls till like a lady tells you or something yeah and usually if a woman's like, wow, your balls are big,

it's them insulting you and feeling weird about it. Well, yeah, if they make that face and they go, wow, your balls are... If a girl's like, you have long nuts. But if they're playing with him and they go, you have huge balls. Well, that's a weird sign. If they're like doing like... That's not... Dude, what are you talking that's not a girl loves playing with your nuts she's a piglet you need to spear that thing if we're being on the ground should look at those a day well those are great no asshole that's totally different. Yeah, dude. An asshole is totally different.

You think eating ass is cleaner than sucking on balls? I didn't say cleaner, but it makes more sense. It does not do it clean. There's nothing interesting about long, weird truck nuts. It's not. We're talking aesthetic. Yes. Balls, aesthetically, are awful.

Yes. I disagree. As a whole. You could argue that. It's very rare you see like a package where you're like. That's a beautiful bird. Yes. I have it.

Yes. It's very rare. No, but you should focus on the shaft if you have a decent shaft. If they're focused on long truck nuts, you got to ask some questions. Yeah. I don't know. I think maybe you just have an issue with your balls. I have what?

A fetish with my balls? No, an issue. An issue with your balls. I don't have an issue with my nuts. No, I don't mind them doing it, but we're saying if that's what they're into, that's not a great sign. Yes.

Because aesthetically, it's odd. Yes, yes, yes. But I mean, again, I would say eating ass. It's a red flag for... We're not saying they're terrible people. We're just saying like, that doesn't... Like, the direction you go after that isn't probably where you want to go. No.

Yeah. You feel like eating balls. Sucking on balls. I'm not against like... Sucking on balls is more taboo than eating ass? No, we're not saying taboo. I think we're saying if someone is... I'm trying against more taboo than eating ass no we're not saying taboo I think we're saying if someone is I'm trying to find it

you're taking it too personally I really do I'm not taking it personally at all it is I think it makes for a good podcast what we're talking about

because you are finding it difficult to understand what we mean yeah this is why it works I do understand and I know that you're being genuine yeah yeah yeah because sometimes my 14 year old is just doing it to piss me off

yeah you get it yeah and he's laughing my eyes funny if a girl goes right to eating your ass nope that's that's not what we're saying at all. We're not talking about the girl eating ass. You are hung up on the ass thing right now. That's because it's a defense mechanism because he says, I like eating ass. Have you ever had your ass eaten? Yeah. Have you ever eaten butts?

I've never eaten an ass. That's crazy. Have you ever eaten a vagina? Yeah. Then what's the goddamn difference? What? It's not a personal choice to not eat ass. I've offered before. Okay. I've offered before and they're like, no,

don't do that. You don't ask. You dive right in there. You put a fucking swimming cap on. That's not, that's... You tie your long nuts and I'm not. I've tried that approach too and there's always like a... Don't. Well, that's interesting that you ask. I think it's usually someone.

No, either they ask or you just die. Look, I've done it both ways. I've asked. I've also, you know, started amassing troops along the border. You know what I mean? I think sometimes. I've written a letter of intent. My dear, My dear Margaret.

I think that's the smartest way to do that. Did you get it notarized? It's not official. It's just an asshole imprint. Bam. I do, from what I understand, and I'm out of the hookup game, is the ass eating when done proper is like, you need to like shower and kind of prep. Of course.

So I think probably what's happening for you is like, it's like spontaneous sex and you're going and the woman's like, oh, be careful. It's not. I don't. I'm not ready for that. I'm not comfortable. I'm a human and I didn't know you were going to do that I walked around a park earlier I would not like you to do that

Because we've all been there too When you start hooking up and you're like Oh man I'm not going to stop this I just lost a three on three basketball game You can't blow me right now Give me 20 minutes I'll be right back baby Couple squirts at your car

That's when you're single and in that world you can't turn it down sometimes because you're like biologically i need you to do this to me right now i apologize for the state that my hygiene is in but here's the summary of this i do support afterwards you're like you just went to hell i just went to hell and back i I do support a woman that engages with the testicles. Maybe she likes to lift them or suck on them here and there. But a woman that is proactive, fixated, and attentive, and loves just balls. Just the balls.

I agree with you there. Just the balls. That's insane that's insane you go to ball you bypass my bird for balls I am it is I'm pulling a fire alarm

well you are gonna be like hey I'm gonna have to just I've got so many questions before we continue do this yeah and not in a rude way I just don't

because like you're right like when they do like when they're like blowing you and they're like mindful of the balls, it's just clear. You're like, that's awesome. You've clearly taken a class or you've been studying what to do,

and I love this. Yes. But you're right. If they're like, get this thing out of the way. Yeah. Yeah. If they're spending too much time down there, you're like, all right, get back to this.

I'm a big fan of nuts. That chick already has a whole dugout for your body. We found common ground. That is so funny. Women aren't just... Thank God they're not turned on mostly by aesthetics. Because we wouldn't have a chance. No.

Yeah, I don't know. Look at you. You be honest. Say it to me. I don't know. Disagree. I just think it's like, unless you are like biologically wired to like vagina, vagina is not that much better looking than a dick.

That's crazy. I don't think it's that crazy. I think it's empathetic. I disagree. To a woman, I bet a dick looks pretty great. To a woman, I bet a dick looks pretty good. It's like a... That's one of the best quotes from an adult I've ever heard. Outside of a teenage 20-something-year-old man. Dude.

That is the best quote I've ever heard anyone over... I assume you're over 30? Yeah. Yeah. Say it again. I think to a woman a dick I mean obviously it depends on the dick. I've seen some vaginas that I'm not thrilled about.

But I'm still getting in there. Even the worst mayhem of a vagina is better than the prettiest bird. That's I agree 100%. Because it just looks like a wild pussy That's a ray Looks awry

Looks like an empanada Or A fucking You know like a pan-seared What's the Asian one? Also let's be honest It's also more symmetrical And even

Not always We're talking Also, let's be honest, it's also more symmetrical and even. Yeah. Not always. It doesn't lean most. Not always. Of course there's anomalies. We're not talking about catcher's mitts. We're talking about the average vagina versus the average cock. It's so.

Is way more attractive. You know, it's like a nice, beautiful, aesthetically pleasing vagina. It looks like when you walk into a nice hotel and the corners of the bed are tucked in, everything is just very tight and comfortable looking. Yeah. Day five, when you leave that hotel with no room service, is a messy pussy. Yeah. The comforter is all over the place.

It's disgusting. Yeah. Even that is better than long truck nuts on a fucking... A weird bird sitting high. Dude, a weird bird is a problem. They all dicks. Dicks are weird. They're weird.

And every woman likes a different type of dick, which is hilarious. Remember when you heard about, like, the dudes that have, like, huge girth when you heard about like like the dudes that have like huge girth when you get in like when you're like what the fuck yeah it's a tuna can yeah where you're just like oh wow that is weird mine's not so like all that stuff is just like okay this is all there's different parts for everyone i will say it's like athletes you see some bodies and you're like there's no way That guy's good

That good And then you watch him move And you're like Holy fucking shit That's the most athletic person I've ever seen That is wild How

Yes So there's no guarantee Or you see like in LA a lot You see these dudes That are like Shredded Yeah And then you watch him move

And you're like If I threw an orange at you You would duck Yes Yes If I tossed an apple At you you would duck yes yes if i tossed an apple that you'd be like yeah but you're just shredded that's the best it's so funny a super jacked dude who can't throw baseball who isn't athletic yeah yeah it's the funniest i will compliment the versatility of the bird because the girl unwrapping the gifts every time, you never know what you're going to get.

For a guy looking at a new vagina, it's pretty standard. Outside of a labia disaster. It might be a grower. It might be thick. It might be giant nuts. It might be tiny nuts. Every package, for the most part. You got a surprise.

You got a surprise in there. Oh, for a dick? Yeah. Yes. Whereas a vagina no it's pretty consistent because i was complaining about like how women will do spanks and do all that sometimes and you hook up with them and then you're like oh you're not what you and she's like yeah but have you thought about we don't know what y'all have until and i was like oh the last second you're right yes you're right you got kind of fun though i think it's gotta be exciting for them my wife talks gotta be exciting she and i'm not talking out of place she's told this story before um in college or around college age she was at a

party and there's like some dude who was like seven tall, an athlete. And she was like, I want to hook up with him. And you know, that's all it takes. Ride the wave. When a young, attractive girl that all they have to do is like you. And you're like, okay. Yeah. I love you. Yeah.

And she likes tall dudes or whatever. And then he had micropenis. Jesus Christ. She was like, it was like that. And she was like, I blew him and stuff. And I was like, that's sweet. And she was like, what did you do?

And she was like, well, he was like, nice. So I did the thing, but it was like, whoa, that was like seven. He was like 6'10", 6'11". Oh, no. I was like seven. She was like, he was like six, six, 10, six, 11. Oh no. That's. And it was like, I was like, oh, what a fucking weird trade off.

That is. His ancestors did some fucked up shit. But then she said the next date she hooked up with was a soccer player. Short, giant. Giant dick that he couldn't even get it in. Dude. So she was just like, she was like for like two weeks. I was like, what in fuck? Yeah. This is my point. And I was like, and just like, for like two weeks, I was like, what in fuck?

Yeah. This is my point. And I was like, Goldilocks, and I came in here, I was like, yeah, that's right. Yo, plug your shows, baby. I'm in Philly this, does this go out this week? Well, you guys fucked up in Philly. You missed me. Don't worry.

No one's coming to these shows. It's on Labor Day. Actually, we will promote some pics to get... I'll promote to Philly. It's Labor Day. You're Philly Helium. Yeah, I'm at Punchline. Oh, Punchline.

I think it's going on. Okay. I don't think it's doing good. Just... What other dates? Sorry, I can't I just like took a sip of coffee and then got honest

yeah no we can talk about that uh yeah I'm going on tour I'll be in Chicago Kansas City Portland Seattle

Denver Bisbee Arizona um fuck Cincinnati Cleveland just bwdtour.com.

I have a special out. I have two on YouTube that you can watch for free, and they're fucking better than most. They're on that fucking thing. Shithole. I have one. It's live at Third Man Records, and then the second one's called Testify,

and I wrapped this trippy DMT thing around a funny stand-up special. So just watch the trippy thing to get to the stand-up because some people can't, and I don't understand why it's like four fucking minutes. You got to hit a skip intro. It's the weirdest shit because everyone's like,

why are all stand-up specials always the same? So you make a fucking weird one with the stand-up in it and they're like this is different I don't like it and you're like I'm gonna fight

everyone it's like the old dudes with the cross hatching on the fucking prayer way lunacy alright go check out Billy Wayne Davis

also thank you to our new look at this tier members we have a bunch of shit coming out also thank you to all our members all our members for sure for sure. Also, thank you to all our members. All our members, for sure.

All our Patreon members. For sure, yes. Being sweet. Thank you for all our Patreon members. We're going to head there now if you want to come. You sticking around? Yeah. All right, see you.