Stuff Island - Tactical Jack - Stuff Island #216

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

Happy Holidays from the Stuff Island Crew! This week the boys are joined with Josh Francis from Friendly Fire Podcast Download Cash App Today: [https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/knz4su0l] #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO PATREON: patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

well first of all i'll tell you what it was the the your look scared me it's this scaring you i mean this is too don't you think that bro it is too real it is too real it is it's too real it is too real dude yeah this is the guy this is a guy you don't fuck with next to the next to the next to the bingo machine at a fucking vf w this is this is this is this is This is the look I rock between Christmas and New Year's. Yeah, dude, I mean, let me tell you something. You're fucking killing it. Watch this.

Ooh. Oh, you guys got the hats. We got the hats. Do you like it? We got the hats. You're going to sweat your ass off time. No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

We got the fan on it here. That hat's going to be crimson when you're done. Just a darker shit every time. Yeah. Bird Sienna by 40 minutes. Did Josh get him? Did Josh get him and force him to get on? It was Tommy's idea.

It was my idea. Tommy's idea. Yeah. I said out to it costume. Tommy text me, he goes, Hey, do you want to get lunch?

And then he had four mescal. And then he went, let's get Christmas out. There you go. There you go. It's a holidays. That's what it takes to get into the spirit. What do you call lunch during the holiday?

Two days before Christmas, dude. What are you going to eat something? Shut the fuck out. I'm so hungry. He just drank water and watched me smoke mescal. And we went to a dollar tree to get these hats. Oh, you did? Yeah, you've been in one of those fucking...

Yeah, they look low quality. I got to be honest, boys. Oh, my God. Yeah, there was a... Not a lot of fuzz. There was some little Mexican kid on his back just like juggling. toys that his parents

wouldn't buy him. And when I say parents, he was like his... Grandma. Yeah, it was Grandma. It was Abuela. Oh, I thought you're going to say it looked like his sister. Well, well, also good buns. Yeah. Good buns. Jesus, Mary.

She did have like a skin condition. Grandma had good buns. Grandma had. Grandma had. Yeah, Grandma had some cake. Her belly was past her nipples. That's a no-no for Uncle Thomas. Yeah. old Mexicans got the tiny titties in the big old belly yeah and that triangle ass

I was telling Josh about the triangle ass yeah not a fan it's a holster so they can hold two grandchildren on both fucking hips it's true Josh is that your first experience with that with a triangle ass yeah and also Tommy's appreciation of it like in a grocery store yeah

oh yeah i mean he was like he he used the word mesmerized he went out they just mesmerized i know i know i know doesn't it like yeah it's a shock to the system it causes you to question your sexuality it's like you start going like am i really horny enough yeah Tommy's Tommy's getting bricked up on a triangle grandma ass and we're at four mescal's deep we're shopping for her saying ads of the dollar first of all boys

tis disease you're like do I have he looks like McAfee dude he looks like he looks like

McGee Trigger a glass of fucking vodka I do I do I do

this is my first thought as soon as I look to myself I was like dude live live from

from the island from Epstein's island dude you look great man you should do this more often this should

be your I got to show you these... I got to show you these sunglasses I almost bought. Old school, Oakley, Clifton. I mean, this is crazy. They're like the... What? There's a...

Is it lagging? Yeah. There's a disconnect. Yeah. Well, that always exists. Is it lagging? That was too personal, first of all. that was below the belt

I didn't deserve that at all it's the holidays Chris who do you my girl dude who said shit like that yeah well that's a disconnect there's disconnect yeah of course there is yeah I don't know

if there's lead in that fucking wallpaper I can't hear you it's going back in the wallpaper well look how old it is dude you can't hear me? No, we can hear you. Yeah, we can hear you. Just, you're lagging. Oh, okay. Now, I got to, I got to look at my tabs to make sure that I'm not reflecting anything important. We'll close your tabs. It's probably what's running your fucking, yeah. Clip the whole start. I don't think we've done anything yet.

I was on, I was on Gore-Tex's website checking out Waterford Shoes. Oh, man. Money's good, huh? It's just that sentence. I was on Gore-Tex's website. Sounds like you're on the dark, whatever. The kids are eating. The kids are eating. Dude, Gortex is crazy. I'm going to get you some merrials, dude.

Buddy. What do you think about that? I... Would you ever strap on a merrill? Yeah, I'd strap on a merrill. I mean, most of them are just like... I don't know. It's like Dyke's farging for mushrooms.

I know, but they got some new styles. They got some new styles. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. yeah i don't like i don't like the front it's like two it's too round it's like like we're looking for oysters mushroom we got some new styles though you know what i mean though right like let's fucking pick it up if nike if nike if nike meant moral and like let's design something that you could wear in public

without i'll send you some picks dude yeah send me some picks buy me some morals i'll send you some pick yeah dude the moab the merrill moab it's got a speed look to it if you're if you're if you're really trying to like yeah yeah try to look fast yeah

like a Mexican haircut dude all Mexicans have fast haircuts dude all their haircut styles are like fast they're like fucking aerodynamic like they get the yeah they get a

yeah but only when they gel it only when they gel it only when they gel it only when they Only when they gel. What do you mean only? It's funny. It's funny. When you see them at the car wash, when you see them at the car wash, when you see them at the car wash and they've got the hair down.

Yeah. Like they haven't had to put it up. They got the other things going on. The ultimate let your hair down. Is it Mexican in a car wash? Yeah, they go full sling blade when they're not like ready to party. Yeah. It's true, dude.

It's like seeing a hot. chicken pajamas you're like finally just relax let your fucking hair back dude no more oil changes let's see those locks Chris I'm fucked up

yeah yeah I'm drunk yeah I feel you dude yeah I was at kill to me last night with chain oh we got tied it on yeah we got down to business yeah yeah six cases of business

dude. I got wrecked. Woke up with anxiety beyond belief. A lot of apologies to people that I shouldn't have to text, do you know what I mean? Not even friends. Yeah. It's great.

That is great. Yeah, well, that's great. I did a little solo. How much time? How much time? What? Last night? Yeah, solo mission, yeah.

I love that. That's why you're dressed like this? I haven't. You still don't a solo mission. Bell. I haven't drunk by myself. I haven't drunk by myself in two years. That's great. And it was a dream. What did you do? Just Todd went on, watched the Elway documentary. That's nice. I like that. You know what I'm saying? It's a good time. It's a good time. Are you saying that or is your outfit saying that?

That's so insane I'm looking like this guy Just tie one on Watch the Elway documentary Yeah, just watch the Elway doc Holy shit Just cried Just cried at the Lway doc

I mean Following that up It's like Once's the last time you've seen your kids That's insane No good for you man Getting fucking hammered by yourself I used to think, I've said this before.

It's like, as a kid, you see older men going to, like, to the movies or eating dinner by themselves, and you're like, oh, that poor guy. And then you realize, when you start growing up, you go, man, that guy was fucking living. He's got it. He's got it right. I want to go to the fucking Applebee's. I want to have a half-ass steak, and I want to go to the fucking movie theater. and I was sit in silence by myself

for two and a half hours. Yeah, just get centered. It's a form of meditation, really. Yeah. It's like you said, driving around the fucking block for no goddamn reason. But at least someone else

is giving you the attention. You know what I mean? Like you're watching a film, they're giving you all the attention. You don't have to worry about your surroundings yourself. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's so nice. It's so nice to fart and not.

have someone smell it, you know what I'm saying? Dude, you got to get yourself a dog, dude. A dog that sleeps in the bed. This dog shit my pants. Even if it can go too far, though, I think when you get, when you get alone for too long, I don't like that. Oh, yeah, you can start going off the deep end of day four. Yeah, dude, I'm talking shit.

Oh, of course. I'm talking. I'm like, of course. Looking at myself in the mere term situation. Yeah. Yeah. I need her back to touch my back, even when we're in a fight. Yeah.

I need some kind of, just like a dog. I need like a paw on me. Yeah, that's the comfort. Just some kind of comfort going, you're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know we're not connected, but you're here. Yeah. Otherwise, I'm just doing things that I shouldn't be.

Yeah. And it's not even gross stuff. It's just like weird stuff. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, like let's dig it. Let's dig into it. Oh, yeah.

I was going to say, hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me get to my VFW. Biker, dude. Hold on. What the fuck was that? No, no, no. You said weird stuff.

It's not even weird stuff. It better be weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just spreading mayonnaise on a slice of salami. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Yes, I'm eating like... We're like, I've never even done this before. It's just the freedom. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That type of... That type of stuff. It's the first time I've beaten off with my

finger in my ass. Dude, I jacked off in my room for the first time ever. Wasn't in the bathroom. I was like, I've lived here for four months. I haven't beat off in the room. What? She's been there. In the bed. So then I was in the bathroom. I'm going to say something while we might have to clip, but. Fuck, dude. Fuck it. I'm drunk. At least my cousin will here. She's gone. She's gone. Thank God. Oh, yeah. Nice. Sometimes it does feel when you're super hung over that It's the sperms that have all the bad ideas. 100%. And you've got to get them out of the system.

Dude, you got to eject. But that's extra postnut clarity, though. Like, you think, like just anxiety's bad. Then you jack it and you're like even crystal clear. Yeah.

Like, oh, fuck. Headache goes away. It's a nice bath. Yeah. I get way more anxious. You're taking a tubby.

And you're just... Oh, you do? No, just like coming. Hungover, come? I hate it. Josh is saying it makes it worse for it. It makes it worse because then I'm thinking clear.

And then I'm realizing what I've done The things I've said Oh yeah The things that I've said No you forget about that stuff I'm the opposite I'm the opposite I'm locked in after I crank it Really?

Yeah it's like yeah it's like water It took you four months to jerk off in everything Yeah my lady's around dude It doesn't matter Wait until she takes a shower I'm like a fucking down That's a high risk What are we taught mission impossible jazz

That's not crazy I have the mentality at a 46, I'm 46. That's crazy. That's fucking reckless, dude. No, it's not. I'm 46. That's right. What's your record?

What's your record for getting caught here? Great question. I think, 500. No, no, no, no. 78 and 78. Also, never believe the guy that goes, I don't know. Yeah, the second is started. No.

Look. I the way I was raised I shared a I shared a jack all hold on this matters this matter the way I was raised I shared a bedroom and a bed with my brother right and then I had another brother and my parents and you'll have a certain amount of time right so like beating off was like it wasn't you don't sit down and light candles like girls diddle or fucking they're being in a bathtub you know what I mean you you're in and out you're in and out In and out. So when my girl goes to the shower, if I got a pound, I got a pound out, it takes a minute

and a half. I don't need a phone. That's crazy. Tommy, Tommy jacks off the way that, like, Sean Connery, like, rolled through those flames in the rock. He's like, getting the timing. Welcome to my cock. While his two brothers are rotating through the shower, he's beaten off in.

between somehow. They haven't gotten home yet. That's why, like, I rushed home just to beat off. Yeah, I don't envy that. I feel like you should because it's important. Is there an alternative force gum scene? Yeah. Also, fucking military man.

The braces coming off. He's sprinting out to beat his brothers. Military man telling me fucking time doesn't matter. It's all about time. Get it out. Who gives you shit? It's all about, you know, anxiety. Dude, I'm not.

I'm all for a tactical jab. Happy holidays, dude. Happy holidays. Yeah. A tactical jack. I don't have to get some serious tactical jacks in the tank. I mean, that's... I've talked about that.

I do it. Look at Chris right now. Tell me he isn't tactical jack. Tell me that guy. That guy's name isn't tactical jack. This is unbelievable, dude. That's tactical jack. It's a GI Joe.

G.I. Jack. Yeah, G.I. Jack. He's got a luberdermin. in one hand. G.I. Jack. G.I. He's got letters from homes. He's just jagging up from letters of his girl.

No, he's just using the letters. The soap up has come. Hey, Chris. And I've been running in a tank crew in hell let loose. Yeah. It's sick. Yeah. I almost jumped on the flight with him this morning.

He goes, you could take. Oh. He goes, you could take Bucca. And I was like, bet. Me and Marrwin in the green room for Keltony. And I was like, this is the question I've always been waiting to be asked. Yeah. Because I would never ask him, hey, you mind putting my girl and my dog on the plane and getting us to Philly?

He's like, we're going to go in Harrisburg. But her parents are coming in this weekend. Almost canceled that plan. That's how like, get my dog on a fucking private chat. Get the fuck out. That's like... Yeah, dude. You gotta dose him up,

you gotta dose him up with Gabba Penton. Nah, I should be fine. What were you? You guys have been Buka would be fine on a plane. Let me tell you something.

Here's Gabba and here's Penton. You beat the fuck. Jesus Christ. I'm drunk, Chris. You guys are letting loose though? Oh, we were letting loose.

We've been letting loose in the tank crew. It's elite. Yeah. What are you doing in the tank? I'm driving he's gunning nice and we yeah

nice I like that we got some we got some good sessions in dude we find a little pocket and just mo you guys get some defalade yeah we can find some defilade it's tough it's tough

I'm not I'm not exposed yeah your hole is below a so you can have your gun above yeah can't shoot you. Well, tell the people, man. I am. Yeah, yeah. It's definitely. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that

from saving crab around. Everybody doesn't know definitely. They got defelade. We're in business. Yeah. He called the... We're in business. throws the gum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bamboo shoots covered in shit. What did you call him? Poingo stick or point... What is it? Pingo sticks. It's...

What is it? It's Pingo sticks. I don't know. Not Planko. He said something I was... Punggy stinks. Yeah. Punggy sticks. Punggy sticks. Pungggy stink. I said, pungy schticks Stinks Pungy stick sticks

Yeah, there's things we don't know Sticks What the fuck are those That's like when you put Like a You put shit on bamboo It shards And you step on it

And you get infected Yeah And I call me With Vietnamese poop That's gotta be the worst Of you get infected with dude Bairish It's a very spicy

Dump Yeah You go with bad breath Yeah Yeah You just turn it Yeah you just turn it to ramen noodles

so fast instant ramen noodles and so you become a werewolf but you turn Vietnamese it's a lot of hard consonants that's

that that's actually I mean we can we can use the time when he was like like pausing yeah just do that

yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Suck the Bukkutu. Ingobal, what about you die, oh. Yeah, it's that kind of stuff. That kind of stuff. It means buy one, get one. This episode's brought to you by Cash App.

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for full disclosures. Back to the episode. What do you guys doing for the holidays? What are you guys doing for the holiday? Chris trying to bring this back on the rails. What do you guys do for the holidays? My pita bow, what are you guys up to for the holidays? Senior parents?

Yeah, yeah, what's? I'm sticking around. I might, like, I mean, I know this sounds. Ladies' families coming in? Not until 26. So I think we're going to do a Jew, a Jew Christmas. We're going to get Chinese and go watch a movie. That's amazing.

What's the new movie? Marty Supreme. Yeah, we're going to watch Marty Supreme. We already got tickets. At the Alamo Draft House. And we're going to go. Oh, nice. Yeah.

We're going to get Chinese on Christmas. I've never done that before. I think, like, you know, when in Rome. It's Austin. Nobody gives a fuck about Christmas here. I know. They don't get it down there. It's so hard to get it.

It's so hard to get into the holiday spirit here. It's fucking 84 degrees out right now. Dude, shorts. Really? Shorts and a T-shirt. It was 78 degrees today. I fucking hate it. It's crazy.

fucking what a dream hate it it sucks yeah it's not right it's not right for Christmas there's no question about that in a five block radius there's two two houses that have lights on yeah it's like too what is this no one fucking care just like Halloween

yeah 100% I'm gonna say that's coming around for fucking candy dude this this place sucks Halloween used to be like I you know I really thought Texas would go hard on Christmas you would imagine right considering all the war on Christmas stuff I always heard about.

Well, they're also religious. The streets are empty on Sundays. It's all about Christ. It's like fucking put up some decorations. Yeah, I don't like... Give a fuck. Yeah, it's really... Yes.

Yeah. Give me some colored lights. Give me some white lights. Yeah. Something. I don't like... Set it up. Yeah, I don't like any of the holidays out here.

Any of the holidays out here. Because it's like even Halloween. Halloween for me growing up, it was like, spitting rain. It would be like, 45 degrees starting to get like Just about the snow You're just about to snow

You're shiverines You're in your fucking Power Rangers Onsy and it's miserable Yeah But you're getting candy Yeah Like that's what it's about

Trees are bare Here it's like Yeah Here it's like a hundred and 15 degrees You can't walk your dog Until 9 p.m. They're releasing pollen And all the fat ladies

Are sneezing all over your snakes That's a big thing out here It's fucking crazy My lady We can't walk the dog Is it pollen season down there right now? It's pollen season every fucking month There's a new

pollen. There's a new pollen. I fucking mean it, dude. The goddamn Vietnamese gave us a new pollen. Dude, I was sick to the fucking gills last week, and my girl pretended to be sick with him. Yeah, it was pollen-related.

I go, that's pollen. I was different. I got the flu. You got pollen. Someone keeps putting pollen. No, honestly. Well, I'm fucking changing you know what I mean it's so funny to be elitist I got I got the flu you got Paul dude when you get it

you earn it and the fact that she pretended to have it yeah it's like we stop got you sick yeah just you go walk Buka you walk Buka why why do I have to do this I'm actually sick she goes well I don't feel that well either oh you got

sniffies you got the sniffies you got the sniffies I'm pissing out my ass in a tub Get the fuck out there and walk the dog Happy holidays Is this great To you and yours Dude is it

To you and you're dude When you're letting loose Is it snowy in the game Oh yeah it gets snowy Oh that rules We did snow mission What game is this? Hell let loose

Hell let loose I remember I shared you Because the Vietnam one is fast approaching. Ooh. And that's, remember I said, yeah, you told me about this. Yeah. Yeah. Is this VR or just regular gaming?

No, it's just straight up Xbox. Yeah. Where's your, where's your VR gaming in there? It's probably right next to you. Yeah. Josh is getting it. Tommy's been trying to get me on VR. Dude, imagine fucking.

You got to get in there. The Marine in fucking onward, this kid would get fucking nuts. He doesn't know. Dude, it's so fun. He doesn't know. Yeah. That's like, but I get nervous about spatial. We're doing tonight.

We don't tonight. I get nervous about spatial awareness. Yeah. With VR. No, no. You have a guide. There's a guide. You're fine.

If you step out of line, you like walk through like a mesh thing and it goes like clear. Look at them. Do I have to? I can't get over this look, dude. It's so perfect. So perfect. No, nah, there's a guy There's a guy

Don't worry about that Don't worry about that Looking like that Yeah, you know, I understand I understand your concerns Don't worry about that at all So like How big of a space do I need?

Brother, this room Yeah, but I don't, yeah Yeah, yeah That's it Yeah Six by six Yeah Enough to separate from your girl

Six by six is nice We're doing it tonight You have no idea A little fucking We're playing onward Also shout out Sean and who's the other guy that wants to play

Huge McNuts or something Yeah, yeah Humongous Humongous Yeah Let's do it Shut a humongous I'll shoot him up

I'll shoot him up tonight I get in there You got to see the golf too Is really fun Golf is insane Yeah I can't with this kid That fucking remote would be on a roof

Next door Kids got two left feet I think they got Football now too Yeah I think he'd Dude, I'm going to be Omaha. Yeah, if it was a piece of cornbread, you'd catch it. I mean, we could take a little moment.

We can take a little moment to talk Vikings football if you want. I mean, brutal. Yeah, let's go. I mean, absolutely. You see, JJ broke his fingee? You guys are in the blender. Dude, he broke his fingee. That's all right.

Kids made a glass. No, he's not. He doesn't stink. I think he's, I don't think he's going to be good, but he's made it. He's made a glass as of right now. I like him. Yeah, he's not going to make it. it, dude.

Kid fucking farts and he misses four weeks. He gets injured from like fucking. There's a wind. The balls of you, first of all. What? Chris, before we started, he farted in this room. And I swear to God, it sounded like a church pew being pushed. There was like a, it went.

Dude, his asshole had backup. His asshole had soprano, dude. It was nuts. Tell let loose in your fucking couch. And then he ran to your bathroom immediately. I was like, I know what you're doing? Yeah.

You crap? No, I had to pee. Lie. I had to pee. You fucking lie. Did you fart like you pushed a church pew and then run to the bathroom? I didn't charge.

You're trying to tell me for sure. Tell the truth. I didn't ask that. There's no question you got poopie pants. I did. Listen. I didn't ask that. I'll come clean right now.

Did you? No one farts and then goes, oh shit, I got to pee. It's never happened in the history I had to pee before the fart I had to pee Nobody farts before the pee Nobody farts before the pee So hard you farting

Dude Take it up with I get your argument I had to I was at I was at Dude I was downing waters While Tommy was having Like mez cows

Oh my God you're so healthy Fat tits Mac and cheese Mac and cheese tits I'm not going down to drinking vacha tea why Tommy was drinking men scow

and then I shit my pants you fat fucking retard I know how the I know how it sounds I did have to pee Chris you gotta get home dude flare gun flayer gun get home

dude it's not going good over here man your cousin leaves you shit your pants shit my face I'll show you the germs right now I was like my dog on the bedroom. I will say the evidence isn't great.

I felt like someone was breaking in. The evidence isn't great. Yeah. I did go to the bathroom after 40. That was, it wasn't, it wasn't like a tipter. I made funny you continue to laugh into the banter. And I was like, there it is. You better find a hiding space for that underwear because you're throwing it out.

Look at it. The money waters, dude. I bet you didn't. I swear to God. Christmas bonus. Is that what you want? You want? If I shard it, it would be funnier

to shart and do a pot. I didn't, I shard it one time right before. You guys ever been to ACCC in San Diego? Don't change the subject. No, no, I'm going to tell us to chart. 100% sure. Oh, you shit, you shit your pants. You shoot your pants to ACC? Yeah, I'm going to... This is a fucking army ranger. He looks like you should be on

Sean Ryan's podcast. This is... Dude, yeah, I am, dude. This is... I'm all about it. Yeah. Chris, if you look like this, 9-11 would have never happened. Not even. This is crazy. This is who you want to find.

If I'm standing in the security line. Oh, man. They would, they would shit their pants. Yeah. They'd tight fart and then have to write to pee. I could. Dude, I, uh,

tight fart. Tight fart is a beautiful, but it's, dude, it's not, it's not, what I said is a church view that's heavy. That's a tight fart.

Being pushed. Tight fart. Get up to Josh Francis comedy for having the tightest asshole in comedy. Oh dude.

People have been saying that. People have been saying that. No, no, no. They haven't been saying that. It's also not tight. It was a chair being

push along uneven old, 100 year old on like a deck. It went up and down. It was a fucking Dodge 750. Just blow out.

I feel like I'm being fring It was a bad fart I didn't boot my pants You looked at me like a fucking Dude Dude he looked at me like a five-year-old He goes He like bit his lip

Like a like a girlfriend fart For the first time And I was like I went Holy shit dude And he goes Yeah And then he bolted to the panter

I was like You're shit your pants That's how you know a dude shit's his pants. When a guy looks at you after farting horrendously, horrendously and looks at you like a girlfriend farting for the first time, like when you make

a girl laugh or you tackle her and she goes and she goes and she's embarrassed she gets flush she gets flushed red roses flush and then she dips out to the bathroom

Josh did that it was a church pew diarrhea of fucking dump and he goes and then jump down in the fucking bathroom and this fucking pile of freckles is going to tell me he didn't ruin

his underwear in your house and I have I don't believe it that's amazing oh Josh I didn't I didn't chart what happened to ACC

Rema Reim Riever Remig I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't

I didn't I didn't fart In Chris's house I I didn't shit my pants at Christmas's house It's a Christmas song

I'm Dude I didn't I did shard at ACC The green room opens directly onto the stage

My boys were back I was in the green room Thought it was gonna be funny To fart as I'm Leaving the room And I open the door To fart

And I just Full shit my pants And did a set For 25 minutes With shit in my pants What color pants were talking There was blue jeans So it was fine

It was blue jeans And I wear brief So nothing There was no seepage It was airtight in that motherfucker It was blue jeans Golly I'm about to make the switch

Back to boxers I'm like go full Just boxers 90s What's making that decision Yeah just an itchy asshole I mean look at them

Yeah What's making that decision I don't know everything he's wearing i love new york sweatshirt someone's kidnapped chris chris is in the fbi i dude what's making that this guy's a CIA he's a mole

dude he's up yeah dude i'm getting back i am in full incognito mode dude this is so crazy wearing that sweatshirt with a fucking goate hat and clas is going I think I'm going to get back in the boxes

Yeah, no shit It's time It's time to get the boxers going Man, my girl's gonna be so upset when I get home I'm so drunk, Chris Yeah, really? Yeah I'm banged

I knew it was Did you tell her I'm banged up You tell you you weren't going to drink today Yeah, it's fucking That's good morning that's good point for us baby yeah I'm gonna dry it out for a while

I hear you just go right tonight's gonna be different tonight's gonna be different right to the pub dude I knew it was gonna be bad because he went should we go get those Santa hats and I went oh Tommy

yeah I'll tell you know what I want to cost her give me the Santa hat I'm beating off the fat black ass with my dog in my legs mongers Jesus Christ oh back that monger

Back to Mangers. You can't say the name. Why? It's a free promotion. Why? No, I'm kidding. No, everybody's going to know he goes. He's going to know he goes there.

Yeah, they're going to know he goes there. Yeah, I was a kid. And those boys, those boys were hooking it. Oh, you went to the gym. You told you baby you're going to the gym. Yeah. Told my baby it was going to the gym. I'm going to go for a run.

See, this is my best friend. He gets it. Tell your baby, you're going for a run? Tell your baby you go for a run. Go to mongers. Go to mongers. Go to mongers. Eight mescals.

8 mscals. 40 pounds of tuna. Yeah. Dude. We should get, we should get sienna hats. Yeah. Between burping up tuna and mezcal. Yeah.

I was like, Josh, look up a dollar general. We got a fucking santa hats. God damn. That, dude, that place was one. It was insane. Unbelievable. Was Iraq? It's

It's so deplorable. The dollar store? Oh my God, dude. I mean, no offense, but holy shit. No offense to the dollar store. No, not to. I don't want to throw any shit.

No, no, no. I'm not offended dollar tree. I'm just saying like the people. It was fucking unbelievable. This girl in front of us looked like a leaf in fall. She had six colors.

on her skin. Yeah, it looked like an infection. I didn't want to... I kind of got nervous. Oh, man. I kind of got nervous going, putting our hats on the conveyor belt

because she just had her hat on the conveyor belt. They're buying groceries and fucking gummy bears and we got two Christmas hats on the belt. Yeah. Just wait.

She was buying groceries. What? She was buying... She was buying groceries. That's why they're there. Get it. fucking eat. Well, they get all the goods.

She had tuna. She had a bunch of tuna packets. Sorry, Chris, I'm banged up, dude. I got to apologize. She had tuna packets? She had, like tuna and mustard? Yeah, she had tuna and jalapeno. I noticed that one. I went, what a, what a combo. Yeah. Those are, talk about church. That's old school. That's old school. Shane moved imitation

crab meat. Oh. He would get the big sack of imitation crab meat. He just pounded. I know. I know. Just cap that can and just fucking eat the whole. thing he got the bag he ripped this

ripped the seal off the bag you just get in there wild it's also such a on a road trip on a road trip

is disrespectful we'd be driving to like fucking Indianapolis you'd be pounding the crap a bag of crap pound in the fake crab it's like the Japanese

it's like the Japanese it's like it's like it's Just end it there It's like the Japanese No no no no Which is also funny Just compare it to the Japanese

No no Dude that's insane dude Yeah pull out imitation crab meat in the car Yeah it's fucking nuts You guys want to hit this It's just crab meat It looked good

Was it the red and white stuff Yeah Dude yeah I didn't know that that was The red and white stuff That's so funny. Do my dad. Is it the red and white stuff?

Happy holidays, Josh. My dad. My dad fucking loves invitation crab meat. Of course. Red and white chunky stuff. No, what I was going to say is like Japanese. It's like,

cheese chunks and old crab meat. Inmitation crab meat. It's like father and son. It's like beef jerky for whites. Cut that too. Look, Chris. I feel like, I feel like what? I feel like the.

imitation crab meat it's like a health kick you go on a little health kick yeah too much sodium in the jerky yeah it's got to get some of that crab meat crab time what are you do you do

no no no go back up yes go back up stay Stay. No, make a normal face. Go back up. Back up. Tilt. That's a good. That's, oh my God. Oh, my God. That's like a bottle.

Oh, my God. Well, too, like an asshole, right? That's an asshole. How'd you do that? That's an asshole. I didn't want to get this. Freaking an asshole. That was nice. I didn't want to get there. That too. We got worked up. I like that. Josh crossed his legs. Josh crossed his legs three times, dude.

You big, dude. You're thinking about fucking Chris's mouth? Chris, I didn't think about fucking Chris's mouth. No, that was not, dude. Just go, hey, stop. Stop doing that. Stop doing that. Stop doing that.

Just constantly cross. It's not funny anymore. Guys, Chris, seriously, it's not funny anymore. Seriously, put it away, Chris. Stop doing that. Stop doing that with your mouth, dude. It did. It did.

It's not cool. Gaping bottle. I always got the zoomies there. Look at that thing. Oh, absolutely. It's getting me going, dude. It's a holiday. It's a holiday.

You got to imagine fucking your best friend. What are you got in the way of Christmas plans? What are you doing? I'm staying here. It's my first time. Not going home. In a long time, not going home. Yeah.

I spent a, I spent a Christmas at boot camp. That was my first time being away. That was my first time being away from my family And it was Christmas on boot camp That was not good Do they break out the MRE chili for that Dude, I wish, dude

We actually didn't do anything They make it seem like you do You'd think you'd do stuff But they took it easy on us Yeah What do you eat? You sing happy birthday to Jesus Christ Now I wish we did

I saw that in full metal jacket And none of that stuff is real It's sad You don't sleep with your rifle Maybe or anything? Not anymore. Now?

Everyone's soft. Trainees. They ruin everything. I think people were sneaking rounds, though, and like just fucking... On themselves. Kill himself. Some kid tried to jump off the third deck when I was there. Jesus.

I think it was on... It wasn't on Christmas. Day? No, it wasn't on Christmas. It was near Christmas day. That'd be so wild. Well, he lived, too, which is even more. He just like broke both of his feet

That sucks Oh that's so pathetic What are you eating Christmas As a Marine? And he was like Some kid jumped off the third floor You know it's It's just

It's not bad food None of it is bad food It was nice First of all It's like terrible food It was corned me I've You hate everything I make

Do we have corned potatoes Like every day Yeah you loved it I'm a big corned potatoes guy Well that's the people That was I was like Josh. I was like Josh for a while where I saw like the slop they were eating on the Nebuchadnezzar in the Matrix.

And I was like, oh, that actually sounds good. It's not bad. It's like efficient, right? That's why you're a ranger. You're just gruel. I'm talking to two fucking. That's why you talk about like your little combat jacks when she's in the bathroom. What's that?

You're talking about your combat jacks. You go in and out when she's in the bathroom. Yeah. That's my eating. Yeah. I'm like in and out. I go, give me the gravy potatoes. corn. I don't know if you're in and out, Josh. I think you stick around for

a little. Dude. Stop. Dude. I've been getting fat. I've been getting fat. I don't know. I don't know. He's more in and out. I have. Dude. I'm like a hundred and ninety five pounds right now. It's not great for me. No, I don't hold it well. Come on. You go straight to my tits. No, you do hold it well. You carry it well. Stop. Dude, I do. I carried a lot on my tits. His nips are 50 pounds each. I got fat nipples. Dude. Stop. Stop. I want to get one of those compression shirts that, like, fucking sucks everything in. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I want to get one of those? You want to get spanks? You want to get spanks for your chest? For my kids, dude. I got fat nipples, dude. We're sponsored by the... Well, you guys don't understand the struggle. Neither of you guys have fat nipples, dude.

You either got it or you don't. I got fat tits. I got fat tits of 46. You wish you had my nipples. Let me tell you something. You wish you had my nipples. Baby. weight to your my age

you know how much harder it's going to take you wish you had my my fat pink tits you wish you had my nipples dude I got lady I would suck the hell out those fucking tits if they were on my body I do need to lose some weight I've been losing I am down 10 pounds because everybody keeps calling me fat tits around here

so I'm starting having it going on love you bit no no you look great you look great it's okay I have been getting fatter it's all right I'm fine with it. You're not fatter. You're just, this is your age group,

you know. I'm going to, you're going through a Louie phase. 30. You're 30. I'm going to get, give me, I've been shitting my pants up

the stranger's houses. First of all, this is comedy club chicken finger stage. I'm at my, you're fine. Yeah. I'm on my house.

Everything's going to work out. Everything's going to work out. It's not. It'd be nuts if Josh got thin and ripped. I hate that so much. Chris, I'm sorry, I'm back down. You guys have any, any holiday, any, I'm sorry, I've been drinking. No, I'm sorry, I'm fucked up, dude.

Do we, I'm fucked up? I'm like legitimately fucked up. He was tearing up. Do you have any holiday, holiday wishes for the fans? Holiday wishes. It's a great question. What's your holiday wish? Holiday wish.

I hope Be genuinely honest. Don't. Yeah, yeah. Don't do that fucking fluff like our parents do. Be genuine. I hope everyone gets in and out of the holiday party unscathed. I hope everyone goes home, goes him, sees the fam, has a nice time.

And then they, I hope they spend the night. I hope they have a few cocktails to spend the night at their family's. place and then i hope they uh get back to their lives and i hope they get a nice four-day little relaxing break uh between christmas and new year's that's what i hope that's what i wish for each and every one of my fans is a nice four-day reset wow i hope no one's no one's i hope no one has to work right let me ask you again what do you wish for your fans that's not sparkly. Sparkly?

Yeah. Like a fucking... Just be genuine. I'm being genuine. I know that. I know that. But just fucking... I look forward to the four days.

The people that listen to this dog shit are going to be... They want to hear, like, what do you wish? What do you wish for these people? I wish that they get the full reset that everyone hopes for between Christmas and New Year's. That's what I... That's my number one goal is everyone gets a little time to themselves.

You know? Yeah. Because so many people's, so many people's lives are, you know, are busy. Yeah. And you got the kids, you got the wife, you got, you got your parents, you got your siblings, you got all the people you're trying to take care of. Hopefully you get it just a few days to yourself. Are you smelling your fingers? You put your fingers in your asshole, Josh?

That's shot. I don't know why he's doing that. That's why I looked at it. He's making a lot of noises That's classic Did I shit my pants behavior? Yeah That's crazy

He was just over there going like Like this one time Do you know Josh isn't wearing a Santa hat It's just a headband That's just his hair It's just a white hat pants It's just a snowman I just started laughing about

calling me meat and shit cheese chunks. You're fine. Like this. And then you went, did you just smell your fingers? Josh, you smell your fingers?

That's classic. It's classic shit your pants. Babe is so funny. We should take Stealth Island to the mountains. That's what we should do. Yeah? Let's go. In the next two weeks.

I like this. We should just fucking get up there. Get into the snow. Get into the altitude. I'll be there on the fifth. Yeah, let's get up. Let's get up and go. Let's go.

All right, here's my message. Get up and go. My message to everyone. Thank you so much for supporting us. Happy holidays. Oh, yeah. Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself for wanting to deal with family. Eliminate.

True. Eliminate. True. Anyone that you think shouldn't be there. You don't have to. I'm dead serious The holiday message What

Don't be afraid To break your family Anyone who's not pulling their weight Anyone who's not making your life better Well I think the I mean Happy holidays But it's a good

It's a good message You don't Those people won't be around You know what I mean There's only a small circle of people That will be around Forever You don't have to waste your fucking time and energy

trying to show up with a Christmas hand or some dog shit fucking side item. Stop. This all shit side of it. Christmas ham? I don't know. I just... I don't know what to get.

I don't know what to get. Christmas ham. Just hang out with the people you love. Stop putting so much pressure on this bullshit. It doesn't matter. Christmas is for family. Christmas is for family He just let us stop talking to your family

Christmas is for family Yeah No no no no no no no no no no no no no Anyone anyone Anyone who's not worth your time must be eliminated Bingo I get what you mean And I'm glad you said that

I agree you fucking Iowa monkey What I'm saying is Family Family is not what these people think is family Anyone's blood related Fuck that Get rid of all the aunts And uncles that you don't fuck with

keep it small have a small little table fuck around it doesn't have to be Christmas it could be any time you're to understand when you get engaged

you'll understand they're gonna understand this is yeah this is I'm gonna make it about my marriage yeah yeah you gotta get rid of all the answer that's number one that's number one you want to save yourself

you want to save yourself some heartache and a lot of time and money I swear to God You got to get rid of the aunts and uncles. I didn't mean to say that, but it's so true. Do yourself a favor. Get engaged and go, how many people should I have there? That's who should be your fucking Christmas party.

The same people you'd have at your wedding party. Unless you're fucking gaudy wop or fucking unruly fucking Mick. Just going, oh my God, I went like 150 pepah, 200 pepah. Just looking at the price of, looking at the price of entrees at a way. wedding and just going like, you know what? It's about who am I close to? Yes. Who do I?

Yes. Who's worth? He's making fun of me, but I truly believe this. Yeah, yeah. That's it. No, no, it's true. Yeah. Happy holidays.

Tommy, what about a tuna steak? How do you make a tuna steak? We did. We made a tuna steak once? Yeah, we did it with that fake noodle. joint the uh oh right what was that john called uh uh yeah company i've never heard you say the word john yeah that was nice that's that phil that's a philly word right yeah it's philly joint it's gluten free pasta yes remember we tried to make like a noodle side dish i probably won't

yeah i can't i can't release and we had to admit that it sucked yeah or pretend that it didn't some credit credibility yeah we were like i don't know if you're into that yeah don't you just sear the tuna you just sear the tuna steak right look who's up yeah i feel like they don't put they don't you sear it you got to sear it yeah you see it but what's the sauce you go with a traditional sort of soy tartar sauce garlic ginger soy yeah a little green onion but if you wanted to do it like if you wanted to americanize the tuna steak how do you do that's the question People do this, they try to make a tuna burger and they put like Americanized ingredients on it.

You can't. Tuna's a star. Just simplify it. Let it live. Let it live, dude. Last night was the best dinner I've had in a long fucking time. I went to Philip Lee's sushi restaurant. Sushi by scratch.

Oh. Holy Christmas, dude. It was unfucking believable. and it like it makes me appreciate I never yearned for sushi but like my girl does yeah you always hated you hated sushi I don't hate it but I don't I don't

you hated it I don't hate it just admit that you hated it no no no I didn't want to say anything everybody's hated sushi at some point but I don't even when I you're right you're right even when I appreciate it I never criticized yeah I never craved it the way you'd crave any other item any other fucking ingredient

you get a fatty slice of tuna you get a nice fucking want sushi no I do I do oh you're fucking your writer give me the fish

give me the fish he won't live at that I try to just slide right by I think that's trying to just slide right by yeah he's pissed dude look at this he's changed

he's a fucking ranger I I'll wake up and crush some fish you got a fatty piece of tuna yeah I wake up

and crush some dude I mean say less too also that's such a sexual terminology

wake up see a fatty piece of tuna I'll crush fish yeah that sounds like Tommy

it's like buttering it's like buttering this is me five years ago yeah I don't crave but I wake

a fatty piece of fucking tuna I'll crush some fish eat that butt you're lost you're lost in

the Mexican triangle. It is very funny. Just holsters for kids. The holsters. It's so funny. Right? It's very good. All right, guys.

Happy holidays. Yep. Thanks so much for the support. We'll see you in 2026. Also, check out our newest episode. My favorite Christmas dinner. Lamb chops. A little bit of fucking...

Oh, yeah. A little side salad. of uh yeah yeah yeah so that's it Chris I'm sorry we made some Christmas lamb shops

that's coming out Thursday you're gonna want to watch it it's unbelievable it's out right now it's out right now what it's out right now yeah put it out on Tuesday

yeah because tomorrow's Christmas yeah you got put it out Christmas day dude no no on Thursday schedule Chris You're fucking Irish

Watch it Watch it Watch it Christmas Day Watch it Christmas Eve Yeah Just go watch it Watch it's so good We made perfect lamb chops

You can watch it right now Yeah cut away from this podcast Little fentany salad Little Fettles salad Little Verde sauce Chris went Fucking bananas What

We got it at the Dollar General What was all we did A fentanyl salad I said A little fentanyl salad I didn't say fentanyl I say fennel. Fennel.

Fennel sound. Fennel sound. A little cocaine dust. I fucking wish. A little North Philly Christmas for you. All right. Thank you guys. Happy, happy new year.

Thank you. Check out the Friendly Fire podcast. Bye-bye. Cut that.