Stuff Island - Tommy's Scooter Accident - Stuff Island #161

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor are reunited after being on the set of Netflix's Tires. On this episode Tommy Talks about crashing his scooter on his way to the Comedy Mothership. Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Take the first step towards achieving your hair growth goals. For a limited time Nutrafol is offering our listeners 10 dollars off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutarfol.com/men and enter promo code STUFF Head to htttpes://www.squarespace.com/stuffisland to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code STUFFISLAND. Give your loved ones an uncommon gift this holiday season! Get 15% off your next gift at Uncommongoods.com/stuffisland Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off of your Starter Pack (that's over 40% off) with promo code STUFFISLAND at shopmand.com! #mandopod Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

boom baby how you doing the birthday boy yeah yeah you're trump's you're you're 45 trump's first term first term trump dude 45 fucking nuts dude yeah how does it feel one of my buddies was like yeah you're you're triple quinceanera and i was like that hurts man you know these chunky latinas are starting their life and i got three of them in me already oh my god dude i went i was i was talking i was talking to my girl about alex ovechkin alexander ovechkin he's like chasing Gretzky's record. Yeah. What's he? 18. Dude. I know. I was like, I was like, yeah, but he's like, the guy's like 70 years old. So he's like, we looked up his age. He's younger than I am. What's he? 35, which is old. He's 39. He's younger

than me by like six months or something like that. Yeah. You turn 40 next year. Yeah, yeah. But I honestly, dude, I thought he was 50. Yeah, yeah. Well, these Russians, they get drafted at like 15, don't they? 16? Yeah, he's been in the league for forever. He's been playing for like fucking 20 years. It's like Dominican pitchers, dude.

They get out of diapers. They go to school for five years fail and then they just start hitting bottle caps with sticks until someone goes that guy's good but but it is like a next level thing when you go from like when you go from like you know being in college and stuff to then like watching pro sports when you're like you know in your late 20s and you're like oh know in your late 20s and you're like oh my god i'm like older than these guys i can't believe i'm older than these guys yeah this is crazy and now it's like when you start getting into like retirement years

oh my god i mean the veterans it's like I'm older than the oldest veteran. Yeah. I'm kind of like a fucking an old running back where like I basically retired at like 33. You know what I mean? I put my years in. I haven't done a fucking thing since 33. Yeah. Early retirement. Yeah, dude. Birthday was good, dude.

Yeah, yeah. I had a running back's career in like an actual industry. Yeah. With zero money. Yeah, dude, birthday was good I had a running back's career in like an actual industry With zero money Yeah, yeah With like health insurance I beat the fuck out of my body Lost the use of my knees for making $700 a week

I mean, I wish I could put a helmet on my liver that's the only thing i'd want to protect yeah yeah one of those one of those extra padded helmets just the soft ones yeah the training training camp helmets i'm gonna have to have a soft helmet on if i don't calm the fuck down dude my birthday week was we went to new york and it was like just from the jump just mayhem trying to meet up with every just not it's like i knew it was going to be like that i knew it was going to be one of those like you need a vacation from the vacation type thing and it was much worse we did i got some work and though i did i did a couple pods and i did a ayg, and I did AYG live. Yeah, it did. Popped back to Barstool. That's sick.

Yeah. Went to Barstool, saw the boys. Went back to New York Comedy Club and what's it called? Stanford. Nice. Yeah. Dude, how fun is that show? I did one of those with the AYG guys, and it was a blast.

You did it in Philly, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. It was so fun. It was awesome. I was pickled. Fired up. I woke up. I sent him a text. Was that at the end of a bender? Yeah.

Oh my God. It was Friday and I left Saturday. So it was like the last day. And we took a fucking sprinter van up there. There's like 12 people in it so i'm cracking pounders i had to pee so i peed in one so i had to finish the second one oh my god so i'm just holding a can of my own piss and they're all they're all so quiet i'm like what are we doing here dude we're we're going we're going to a comedy club to answer questions you guys are

sitting in silence like it's a serious fuck, like we're going to war. You fucking dorks. Have fun. That's my approach. I'm all morgue energy before a set and then afterwards I'll get fucking after it. I felt like the gate was about to fall on D-Day.

All these skinny producer versions are going to get... Let's just have fun, dude. yeah did they have they have the documentary team with you yeah dude full setup nice connor and yeah there was like 19 guys there was fucking crazy that rules they're the best yeah kelly's the man he is the fucking man i guess they're filming for like a tv pilot or i don't know what's going on with it but i don't know what they're doing i think they're filming for like a TV pilot or I don't know what's going on with it. I don't know what they're doing. I think they're, yeah. I think they're just putting it together and seeing what happens. That's the mode.

You got to do it. How you been? I've been all right. I went to D.C. over the weekend because I visited a buddy down there. I only check in with you through your girls' stories. Yeah, yeah. I don't post on social media. I got really hammered one night in D.C. and posted a picture.

Someone put the toilet seat up and put paper towel down on like the the the toilet yeah and then sat on that i like walked into that which is just like paper towel on the rim of the toilet bowl with the seat up i'll send you a picture of it it's insane wait wait wait like covering the water like the bottom of the porcelain no no covering the rim of the toilet bowl like they sat on the toilet bowl oh my god why wouldn't you just wrap just wrap the seat i don't know i don't it's just like either it was either the fattest dude imaginable and needed like the wide set little extra space yeah yeah or it's just the biggest drunkest idiot of all time was there was a hole cut out in the center like a donut or was it just straight paper towel he's gonna rip through no they didn't they didn't build a bridge across

it they literally laid it down like you would on the actual toilet seat. Yeah, they didn't go over the top. They didn't hammock it. They just, yeah. Clearly in the union. You can't be that stupid. Yeah. But yeah, I don't post on social media. I can't do it.

Yeah, I just send shit to my stories, but I'm starting to regret it because I got a lot of cool stuff I'm going to forget. You know, my fucking wet brain is going to be like, oh yeah. That's the only reason I like to do it. It's like, here's a cool moment. Put that up there.

I can look at that. Instead, it's just 30 second clips of me and you doing dumb shit. I wish I should do the opposite. I should just send the clips to my story and then just post pictures of me doing dumb shit. Yeah. Trying to be better at taking pictures and stuff like that, but even that's like, I don't know. Did you guys go to the Capitol?

We did. Dude, everything's covered in just like inauguration stuff. So they were just like, we went there and there was literally construction on like everything. For security. Couldn't see the White House. Couldn't see the Capitol building, really. The Lincoln Monument is covered in construction. Yeah.

Everything was just under construction. That'd be funny if they built an identical warehouse where that kid took a shot at Trump. They just put it the same distance. Same exact. Just to test them. Can you see what the fuck I'm seeing? Build a platform. Easily climbable platform.

Sniper training. I guess it's not too early for that. What's the inauguration? The 15th? I think it's January 20th or something like that so it's like your aunt getting crazy for christmas before thanksgiving they're just getting all hammed up yeah yeah they're getting fired up that's going to be a scene someone was telling me that they they barricaded the white house just in case kamala won or

something but i think that looked like it looked like they were building a stage to me. Yeah. It's just like that barricade looks an awful lot like a stage. And then just a big party tent. I don't know if that's... Dude, DC,

I don't get it. Dude, it's weird. It's weird weird all the food is bad didn't used to be like that restaurants you either gotta spend dude it's like very high end shit and then a bunch of filth yeah cause there's

probably only like three good places and it's 7000 cultures so it's like nobody knows what the fuck they want and there's no entertainment you go you walk into a what you think is a bar and it turns into a nightclub with indians like it's like what how did i walk into this yeah yeah and then i stay yeah they do it it's like it is it is it's like uh it's kind of westchester's got the same thing going on they got like the multi

the multi-purpose room where it's just like it's an Irish pub until like 830. And then it switches over into like full nightclub mayhem. Yeah. Nigerian disco. Yeah. And there's just a morgue after that. Then they're just dragging bodies out. Oh, dude, did you see that story with Paul Bissonette?

No. The barstool guy, hockey dude oh yeah he fought six dudes up front of a golf course or something i don't know the story so break it down dude apparently i i was listening i was listening to the episodes because i love that guy i love their podcast spitting spitting chicken is fucking yeah it's awesome um but yeah apparently he like he has a restaurant that he just goes to a couple nights a week. It's like a good spot. He's friendly with the servers. The food's good. Atmosphere's nice.

You know what I mean? He just goes there. Great Yelp review, Chris. That was a great Yelp review. Five stars. I'm setting the table for you here. This is like you just, this is local, kind of like... It's a local watering hole,

but it's also kind of like just a nice family restaurant. He likes the atmosphere. He goes in there. Apparently, it's packed. He sits down at a table. He's like ordering food. And then there's like a pack of dudes just starting to make ruckus at the bar.

And he's like friendly with the manager and the assistant manager and stuff. And they're like not fighting people. So the manager goes up there and he's like, Hey guys, you like, yeah, leave, you know, you're like being loud, you know, come on. And they start like screaming in this guy's face. And I guess biz is sitting there like, that's not good. And like his waitress had turned around and was like,

that's crazy. And then the guy puts his hand on the fucking manager. Biz goes over there, grabs the guy's hand and is like, Hey, you guys got to get out of here. Otherwise we're going to do, we're going to do a couple rounds outside.

He said as soon as he said that, they just went off. And they all just started throwing punches at him. He's punching them in the bar, manages to get outside of the bar. Because he said he was just backing up the whole time, just throwing punches at different guys. Slips out of the bar. Now they're in the parking lot. He keeps backing up because he's like dude if you stop yeah if you stop they'll surround you you'll be on the ground they'll start kicking you in the head you're fucked yeah you know what

i mean and these are like these are like old fat irish bowling balls right so you gotta you gotta keep backing up a little bit it's like getting chased by a seal. It is. Dude. There's a pack of fucking seals coming out. Irish seals, dude. Probably making the same noises, yeah. So fucking... Dude.

He misses it. He does. He wants to hear your voice uh so he's backing up he's fighting these guys apparently like the the the kingpin of the whole thing that's this fat the the fattest i most irish baldest guy is still like yelling at the fucking assistant manager shoves the assistant manager into a car he He's fighting these other guys, still backpedaling. At this point, he's in, like, another parking lot. He's in... Best buy. He's in, like, a CVS, like, two buildings down.

He's getting his steps in, dude. Yeah, dude. And he's been fighting these dudes for, like, four minutes. It's Peter Griffin and the chicken dude it literally was he said he said this guy stops fighting with the assistant manager and just takes like a full sprint at him he's still backpedaling and like conor mcgregor style just cracks this dude just buckles him which god i hope there is security footage. I want to see it.

I want to see it so bad. The plug to Pornhub would be unplugged. I would jerk off to that for days, dude. You could, you can post that to Pornhub. Wearing ill-fitting golf attire

that he probably bought from Barstool. You know, the fucking, whatever that Chunky's brand or whatever it is. Dude, dude. It's like polyester

for fat kids. It's got pineapples and shit on it. Anyway. Greatest, yeah. So, wait. Apparently, like, his shirt got ripped ripped did he lay them all out in separate locations like or is he are they all tiring just got that guy then eventually they kind of got

around him he he fell took a couple kicks got up ran inside a cvs at this point he said his shirt had been riffed off he had no shoes and then the cops came and like fucking took care of the guys that's great but an absolute yeah just dude see that that's a good retirement story is like you always want to yeah quarterback always wants to throw one more touchdown do you know know? Running back wants to run one. Fucking ice skater wants to do a pirouette or whatever the fuck. Yeah. A hockey player wants one more fucking good fight.

You take the skates off these. They train to fight with skates on. You take them on street. They're like, this is not fair, guys. I'm going to fucking eat you up. Your face face is gonna be rearranged dude dude i wanted to be there like i i the first thing i thought of was like i just i wish i was there yeah that's like a perfect fight when when you know he's gonna do so much damage you just pick a couple guys off you know what i mean you're literally you would you you could you could win a fight by being the guy holding the belt for the chain gun you know what i mean

i'd be i'd be behind that guy throwing popcorn in my asshole because i couldn't get it in my mouth fast enough that's pure entertainment dude oh dude i was just yeah i was i was fantasizing like just running and tackling one of those guys in the parking lot just coming in yeah helping barstool what a story gives a shout out to chris o'connor for tackling one of the fat retards just doing it for the clout yeah you're dressed in full hockey gear acting like you're dressed in full hockey gear acting like you're skating no that's a fucking i mean that's a legendary story if we can get some footage on that it's incredible even getting out of that dude he's like he's like he not only does he's like an actual like nhl commentator for like nbc yeah but dude i mean well that's like nowadays unless you're assaulting somebody

or if it's usually against a woman but i mean that's not going to affect his career like he's not going to bars all drunk like connor looking to fight somebody the guy's a hero he saved the restaurant yeah yeah dude you can kill people as long as you're backing up. That's a universal rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of the Ravens, we play them next week. Yeah, yeah. He was backing out of the elevator.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, these fucking things don't fit my ears. I got tiny, the smallest minuscule ear holes. They fall out when I run. I try and jog with them and they get sent. And they just pop out. I'm on the extra small too. It's like a little fucking cat's asshole.

That's why I build up wax. Did you ever hear that? They switched up their sizes. What'd you say? I build up wax. Yeah. I've had people see the amount of wax I build up wax. Did you ever hear that? They switched up their sizes. What'd you say? I build up wax. Like, I've had people like see, like the amount of wax I can pull out in a day, day and a half.

Some people only wax their ears like once a week or every two weeks. Dude, I wouldn't be able to hear. It's like, it's constantly packing up. Dude, we had to do like a, it was like a stunt. And I hadn't cleaned my ears in a while. What tires? Something was,

yeah, something was like, there was a tiny little like explosive thing going off and, and I had to put, I had to put like ear protection in dude. And like, I swear to God, like on camera,

there will be like, cause they, you know, they said, they said cut, but I think they were still rolling. I pull these things out, and I look at them, and I'm like, dude, I literally was wiping it off of my shoe like dogs. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Did you ever see those where they put a paper cone and light it, and the oxygen that's pulled out pulls all the wax? Yeah, it's like an extraction. Pyrotechnics?

Yeah, extraction. I feel like I've seen the squirt gun thing. Yeah, dude. Just clean your fucking ears. How often do you Q-tip your ears i was doing such a good job of it and then i kind of just stopped sixth grade yeah yeah yeah yeah i was knocking it out of the park i was cleaning my ears i was flossing i was doing it all yeah and then went to pieces what are you guys gonna do for that i was also thinking with that i was just just to finish on that best and that thing i did the end of me fantasizing being in it i was i was like i would throw one punch break my hand and be just a total problem yeah he would have gotten hurt worse if i was trying to be you would have gotten

his his way for sure yeah yeah he would have lined up some dude and you would have you would have some waitress just a friendly fire seven dudes down the cops are picking up the bodies they're like this guy too no no he was on my side yeah yeah we actually shared an appetizer earlier than that he's cool well he's the worst hurt dude Shannon Sharp

he got fucked there's like audio or like FaceTime video of him destroying some chick in bed like just fucking her brains out. He literally was like, sorry about that, man. And they were like, it's cool. We didn't know you had that kind of game, but you know, get up there. We have a show to do.

Like nobody, they don't care unless it's like a true, if you're in the wrong in obvious ways. I think it's like, it's good for television in the modern day. I think it's. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace guys, you know, and love Squarespace as we do as well. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out

and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything for products to content, to time all in one place all on your terms design intelligence introducing design intelligence from squarespace combining two decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge ai technology to unlock your strongest creative potential design intelligence empowers anyone to build a beautiful more

personalized website tailored to their unique brands and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence. Squarespace Payments. Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place with Squarespace. Onboarding is fast and simple. Get started in just a few clicks and start receiving payments right away. Plus, give your customers more ways to pay with popular payments. Payment methods like Klarma, ACH Direct, Debit,

Apple Pay, After Pay, and Clear Pay. I'm going to say sell content. I like this one. Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content in your websites like online courses, blogs, videos, memberships, etc.

Earn recurring revenue by gating your content behind a paywall. Simply set a price. Choose whether to charge a one-time fee or subscription to access. So head to HTTPS. I love this. I love when they do this. Head to squarespace.com slash stuffisland, all one word, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the code stuff island. Okay?

Do it. Start your business. Stop being so fucking lazy. Like me. All right, guys. This podcast is brought to you by Nutrafol. Yeah. Chris can talk better on this, but he's not available for these today.

I know it's decreased his shedding. It's increased his depression. Do you see how gleeful and delightful he was this episode? That's because of Nutrafol. He told me that. He didn't dare me to say it. It's just him. He's jovial neutral fall is changing

his life the holiday season is approaching bringing joy and excitement but also longer to-do lists endless parties indulgent treats travel stress and seasonal colds what you might not realize is all these things can take a lot of toll on your health. Adding Nutrafol to your daily routine can now help improve your hair health. Healing into the new year. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over 1 million people. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding and just three to six months with Nutrafol. The cold, dry air winter can be unforgiving, but your hair doesn't have to suffer. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners

$10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code STUFF, S-T-U-F-F. Find out why over 4,500 healthcare professionals and stylists recommend Nutrafol for healthier hair Nutrafol.com spelled n-u-t-r-a-f-o-l.com promo code stuff that's Nutrafol.com promo promo code stuff it gives you a bit of personality humanizes them yeah yeah oh there's nothing better than this story. This is like... Yeah. You're the king. Yeah, what's... Strength to strength. Is he going to have to find a new restaurant?

Is this going to be one of those situations where they're like... I don't think so, dude. Now that place is going to be packed with fans. Yeah, it's good. Either that or that fucking... I don't know. That pod of freckles has like another pod

that's going to come looking for him, which is hilarious. Just every week there's another four fat guys that have to get wrecked in golf gear. And they're not even playing golf. They just show up to pretend that play golf. Just look for him. Just get gunned down in waves. Just waves of fat stumpy irish guys

just getting pummeled god seal after seal it is it's gonna be like those fucking the walruses when they fall off the cliff. That's going to be outside Houston's. Dude. What a great, I wish I could do Photoshop. I'm going to be there next week. Hell yeah. Yeah. Coming Monday.

Nice. Monday through Saturday, I think. Nice. I'll be back. We'll do some in-person podcasting. Yeah, back. We'll do some in-person podcasting. Yeah, yeah. We'll do some in-person stuff. Do you remember that?

Remember how fun that was? Yeah. It was the best. You don't enjoy this? You don't enjoy what? Yeah, this is much better. I didn't think we should have done this a while ago. I didn't know this was possible.

Yeah. It's different, you know? There's a fucking energy. I just did the KFC, and i was like ah yeah this is it this is like i can see yeah faces you know i get this yeah there's such a disconnect yeah you get to you get to touch people's auras you know what i mean yeah i want i actually don't want to touch your aura i just want i just want to talk to you first i'd rather you not infected you don't want to touch your aura. I just want to talk to you first. You don't want to be infected? You don't want to be infected by my aura? You're still going to be in a bubble.

I'm going to still put you in a bubble. I don't want to be touched by it. Your aura hasn't affected me in two months. My aura is dark right now. Yeah, why? I don't know. You're allowed to say something interesting. What do you mean?

About you being dark. No, no, it's just... It's more of the same. Just questioning everything, trying to get my life together. Trying to find a zone, you know what I mean? It's like, it's weird when you... I don't know. You go through so many emotions. You're just like, it's like,

it's the normal like rhythms of life, but it almost makes you feel like bipolar. Yeah. You know, like that kind of stuff. You're just like, I don't know. What am I going to do?

I think that's the hardest part is that like every, every good fix feels like you're like losing a part of yourself. That's the hardest part is that like every, every good fix feels like you're like losing a part of yourself. That's the hardest part. It's very hard not to lose your mind in life, regardless of what you're doing. Yeah. It's very, you know,

cause it's like you can, you can become all like mystical and stuff and that can level you out and calm you down. But then you're one of those guys and that's crazy yeah it's a lot like how is how is a monk you know what i mean those fucking buddhist monks who deny everything and the world is all just material crap in there whatever how's that any different than a guy just being like i don't i don't care about that when they do how is it it's just that taken to an extreme degree you know what i mean it's like you're so incapable of like actually dealing yes of actually dealing with like losing at ping

pong that you have to deny everything yeah and the whole thing is just a construct and whatever meditate forever yeah it's like how is that how is that not just a little kid getting their lunch stolen and just going like no it doesn't matter that's i don't give a shit yeah it's like that's all that. You just took it to a spiritual extreme. Yeah, it's Peter in office space when that fat dude's choking. Yeah. And he's just like, I don't care. Like, he's just...

His girlfriend's screaming at him. He hates that life. You know, it's like, dude, me and my boy Cooch always said this, like, in our past relationships. He would call me when something would happen and, you know, one of our exes would be flying off the handle about something. And you do, you get zen. You get zen and you're like, I couldn't care less about this right now. And I don't care what happens. Yeah.

And I promise you it'll never change. So like we can't do this anymore because I don't want to hurt you because you clearly care. I promise you I don't give a shit. And it's only until you find someone that you care about that circumstance that you go, oh, okay. I'm capable of caring. It's like my feeling on being romantic. Every man is possible. It's like my feeling on being romantic. Every man is possible. It's possible for them to be romantic or do something that their partner wants them to do.

They're capable. Every person is capable for the most part. This is true. And then it's just decision. Is that person worth it? Is it worth it to you to make that person happy? Do you see that person with you in life? And then you go, yeah, you know what?

I'll think out of nowhere. I'll pick her up flowers. I'll make her dinner. I'll do something like that. And then she's like, oh, my God. I can't believe you did that for me. It's because I wanted to. But then you start caring. And caring.

Caring. Caring is hell, dude. it is such caring is absolute hell you're picking up a full-time job yeah yeah whatever your whatever your load is right now caring is getting a second job that isn't paying you anything yes you're constantly working for zero dollars yes and it it hurts it hurts so bad and you worry it's horrible yeah i just i'm sure someone's gonna come up with some you know explanation for what fucking the Dalai Lama is actually up to. But it's like, aren't you just taking the easy way out? I've literally gotten to the point with these guys.

I'm so unimpressed by that guy who lit himself on fire. And didn't move. Remember in Vietnam? Yeah, yeah. It's like, dude. Dude, there was one like, there's one every like three years. Try spending a life

caring and actually engaging with the problems and trying to solve them. Anyone can just light themselves on fire. You know what I mean? Try cooking chicken piccata

after working 12 hours. Yes. You know, try working through two different views of the world and coming to an agreement. Yeah. Try that. Yeah. Because lighting yourself on fire,

you only need one person to do that it's a hero's exit too it's not no it's a coward's way out i think they're heroes well i think it's a coward's way out you fucking you stay here and you work on this together yeah yeah you You know? Yeah. Lighting yourself on fire is just going like, I don't care, I'm leaving. In my experience, first of all, you're spitting facts. Let's just state that. I am deadly certain that I could spend enough time in a cult and get my brain to a place where I could light myself on fire and wait till I die.

I'm certain of it. I will defend that. I've met you. I would argue, save the time and money on the cult. You could do it right now. What I cannot do is explain something more than once. Oh, God. I'll take a volcano's power.

But if I have to repeat what I just fucking told you last week. Dude, that drives me insane like my girl and i do the same stuff where it's like we'll finally find a like a space for an argument where it's like okay this is where you stand it's where i stand but we you know we've agreed to meet in the middle. And then we move on. And I'm like, great. It shouldn't have taken three hours. And tears. Tears were unnecessary there.

I know they were. But it's probably bottled up from something else. So I'll allow it. No flags. I'll allow it. Let's keep going. Let's just get to the end of this. And then I look at the clock and it's like midnight. And I like i still want to you're gonna go to bed but i now i'm charged up and i

gotta watch three hours of fucking nonsense tv just to calm the fuck down and then it starts back up the next day unbeknownst to me because when i'll get done brushing my teeth i could see it like she wants to talk about the same fucking thing that we just talked about you have my answers and then she's just going to repeat the same shit anyway and i'm like well yes all right i i don't have this many hours to talk and so i do but i don't want to talk this many hours in circles where we do the realization is you feel this way i feel this way Let's just figure it out. How are we both going to exist? We're different fucking people.

We chose one another. So let's just figure out how to make it work. And every day it's something else. Yeah. This is why, this is why like, you know, they had to create like laws and like legal experts and they had to like come

up with a system and like, you know, at some point it's like legal experts and they had to like come up with a system and like you know at some point it's like the defense and the prosecution rest and there's a judgment yeah you can't just you know and if you want to appeal you got to file something and then that's going to take months in order. There's rules of engagement. You can't. You know what I mean? There's certain type of evidence can be submitted. Certain type of evidence cannot be submitted.

Certain, you know, like there's certain confessions that were under duress. Yeah. I feel like that's how like just divorce court started. Like it started with all of the intricacies that you just stated, but then eventually someone was like, it's going to go 50-50. I can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got enough shit.

The lawyer was like, the judge was like, I got enough shit with my wife at home. I can't bother to listen to what your wife's doing and what your husband like just you like the couch yes give him the couch do you like the fucking chair give him the chair get out of my face i mean the literally society went i'm willing to adjudicate anything yeah except relationship stuff. It's clogging up the courts. It's like we're going to spend a fortune digging through one relationship.

Yeah. And not make any progress. Is this the kind of shit you're talking about in therapy? That's probably why you can't find the right guy. They're probably like, I want a divorce, Chris. I'm done from you. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I don't know. That's a whole other project is like getting on my level, you know? I just finding someone finding someone who would yeah who would get pick up what I'm putting down I think would be is a whole project in and of itself and then you know then I'm just going to leave then I'm just going to be back in

Texas yeah well you can always zoom when you know you can zoom in with them no I guess I don't I don't want to be putting You can always zoom in, you know? You can zoom in with him. No? I guess. I don't want to be putting any of this into, like, a digital format. He doesn't deserve that.

I don't want any of this to possibly be captured and leaked. You know what I mean? You get a virus on your computer. That's true. Someone's like, we didn't find anything. We did true. Someone's like, we didn't find anything. We did find everything he's ever said about his life.

Which is ironically just what we're doing as jobs now. Yeah, yeah. It gives a shit. You got nothing to hide. If you told... No, I don't.

Yeah. It gives a shit. I say we... I'll do therapy with you. Like we both go at the same time? No. No, we'll do like a book club, but for, you know... Right.

Clearing our psychotic minds. Yeah, we'll go around and try to find someone. And then we'll have a session once a week. Evaluate. Yeah. Evaluate this guy and that guy. Yeah. Yeah.

That's interesting. A Staphylon therapy hour. I tell you what I talked about. You tell me what you talked about, unless it's shit you don't want out there, which I don't think there's anything I wouldn't say. I wonder what the highest hourly rate for a therapist is. It's got to be, like, what do you think?

What do you mean? I'm just wondering, like. Why would it be more expensive for a billionaire as opposed to a carpenter? I'm just saying there's got to be people who are actually good that charge, like, it's like lawyers, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

They got to be, like... Yeah, the best of the best. Yeah. I don't know. I'd imagine, like, 500. Yeah. I hope. I bet it goes fucking so astronomically high.

$2,000? Honestly, I don't think, I bet, I bet, I guarantee you there's someone out there charging $2,000 an hour. I guarantee it. And honestly, I've just been, I've been getting just therapy through Gruden. I just want, I want to just meet gruden i want to just he makes me so happy and i just want to meet him i want to just

i like i was texting big cat i was just like dude i like i want to travel the world with him i want to just go to i just want to go to like india with him and just have him he's he's the perfect just guy he's like he's he's a good old boy with like severe autism he's yeah incredible yeah well he's a brilliant football mind i i don't know but it's so detailed you know what know. But it's so detailed. You know what I mean? Like, it's so, like, he's breaking down, like, technique. Yeah, but we talked about this last week where that's got to be so

furiating for him to be in a regular. You know, it's entertaining, but you don't want to get too close to the sun with that shit. I know, but. He's got to be the worst hang after the first couple hangs. I don't think so. Dude, if you're like, let's go watch first couple hangs i don't think so dude if you're like let's go let's go watch some sports you don't think that guy's gonna be in your fucking ear every second about something specific on the field no matter what sport it is that's what you need

that's that's what i want yeah that's what i want i mean i do want that i want to see i want to see like what he's yeah i'd like i want to start by i want to go to to see what he's... Yeah. I want to start by... I want to go to his compound where he's got his... Hookers? Fake foot... He's got to be doing drugs off 20-year-old Russians. Yeah. I don't think he's all there for the right reasons.

I don't think he's... Mando. This episode is also brought to you by Mando. Big fan of Mando. Deodorants. I got the starter pack, Josh. When I sleep in... Don't fucking look at me like that.

This is genuine. When I sleep in, okay, I roll around. I toss and turn. I get the nookies get all fucking hot and bothered. I get a scent. You don't want that scent. I use the personal deodorant wipes to give a quick wipe. You know?

Sweep up around the house before I go to the gym so I don't stink around. Spray myself with cologne. It's not the same as Mando. This is all fucking natural stuff. Do your balls stink? I bet they do. You look like you have stinking nuts with that haircut. I love their deodorant. my girl actually stole the deodorant

she loves the fucking Mando deodorant which is why I don't have any left it's created by a doctor who first hand who saw first hand how normal BO was being misdiagnosed and mistreated it's clinically proven to block odor all day and control your odor for up to 72 hours.

That's why my armpits don't stink, but my nookies do. Because I don't give them a daily bath. I treat them like holidays. Thanksgiving's coming up. You know what they're going to get? Mando Wipe. Mando Starter Pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice like mini body wash or deodorant wipes, big fan, and free shipping. As a special offer for your listeners, new customers get $5 off a

starter pack with our exclusive code. That equates to over 40% off your starter pack. Use code STUFFILAND at shopmando.com. That's S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from heel to toe. Nuts to butts. That's mando.com. Uncommon Goods. Uncommon Goods.

I got a little discount from Uncommon Goods. Uncommon Goods. I got a little discount from Uncommon Goods for them sponsoring us. Gave it to my girl. She apparently found an uncommon good for me. Hasn't told me what it is. Pretty fucked up. Maybe it's more deodorant that she can fucking steal from me. Josh.

Spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift from Uncommon Goods. The busy holiday season is here, and Uncommon Goods makes it less stressful with incredible hand-picked gifts for everyone on your list, all in one spot. Gifts that spark joy, wonder, and delight, and it's exactly what I want it type of feeling.

They scour the globe for original, handmade, absolutely remarkable things. Somehow, they know exactly the perfect gift for every single person you know. Here's a few of my favorite gifts that I found on their site. One was a dish for my mother. So she

could put her sloppy lasagna on. Josh. That's what I got her. I got her a dish that can hold her sloppy lasagna that's too watery so the cheese that oozes out of the thick noodle that's undercooked can squeeze out and find a little layer, an area to soak up whatever dog shit white bread she's feeding you that night. Happy holidays. Whether you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists and small independent

businesses. Many of these handcrafted products are made in small batches, so shop now before they sell out this holiday season. Uncommon Goods looks for products that are high quality, unique, and often handmade or made in the U.S. They have the most meaningful, out of the ordinary gifts anywhere. They even have

gifts you can personalize. From most holidays and hostess gifts to the coolest finds for kids to hits for everyone from book lovers to diehard sports fans. Wow, that's a wild stretch, Uncommon Goods. Uncommon Goods has something for everyone, not the same old selections you can find just anywhere. And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice.

They've donated more than $3 million to date. Damn, they're good people. To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash stuffisland. That's uncommongoods.com slash stuffisland for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods or all out of the ordinary. That's a dramatic dismount.

He's always disheveled. His hair, he looks like a balloon that was rubbed on a barbershop floor. I know, I know. His hair, he looks like a balloon that was rubbed on a barbershop floor. I know, I know. But it's like weirdly positioned and he's always wet. He looks wet all the time. I've known one other person in this world, I can't say his name, that always looks wet.

Like he looks like he just got out of the shower, didn't have time to tile dry, had to get on air. Yeah. It's one of the many ironies of life. If you never take a shower you always look like you just showered dude because it's weeks of grease flowing through your locks it's also why my earbuds won't stay in my fucking ears dude i want yeah i want i just i want to go i want to start by going to the compound i want to see what he's doing what he's breaking down i want to see just like i want to see how granular they get with players i want to i just want to see what that whole rhythm of that day looks like

and then i want to start slowly just going to places. I want to just fucking, yeah. Do you do this with everything? Because he has to. Once you build a mind for that, you can't turn it off. I don't know. Kind of what we were saying last week. I agree with this, but I also think the mind is built specifically for that one thing for so many years and so many hours

that there was never a let's go experience something else like he's he's been doing this since what probably he played football i imagine until he was 18 or maybe through college and then right to young coaching staffs on college all the way through the pros every day and then he probably just goes to a resort sips a mai tai and tries to fuck a bartender i don't think i don't think he's breaking down life in other facets i just can't see it that would be devastating yeah that'd be so devastating and then he's also just like he's acquired for his taste in football like he's not he's getting positions around his football mind nothing else no one's like gruden let's take you to an art museum and really pick

apart picasso it's like the no he's a fucking football monkey but he's a brilliant football monkey that's just my take i don't know i probably meet him like this guy is worldly. I bet he surprises you. I bet he surprises you. I think there's like that. That is like I think more than like a therapist. I really do want the like these these sports psychologists, the like high pressure sports mind how does it work yeah how does it function what do you think about i guess it's probably you're probably right it probably is a lot of just putting blinders on and staying focused on things but i think a good psychologist and therapist i think it for me to relate to them and respect them, they'd have to talk to me like someone I respect.

Like, I'd be in that chair because of my father in many ways, but I'd also want that guy to talk to me like my father would. He'd let me get to my point and then go, well, you got to do it. What did you do? What did you do last week for that? What did you do for that problem? Anything? So you did nothing. You're expecting to get something in return. Is that right?

Am I right? Am I fucking hearing you? So then you didn't do anything. Let's be honest with each other. Next. And then just move through these processes where it's like, I need you to talk to me like I need to be spoken, not some soft-ass, you know, the stereotypical therapist, unless you're a woman.

True. This is such a meathead thing to say, but I'd want my dude to be like, put me in my place and tell me when I'm a bitch. Well, there is also a, like, yeah. You'd want the dude to be like a re a Renaissance man. You know what I mean? What I want you to do is like, tell me places I can put my mind and not necessarily just explore my mind. does that make sense yes 100 you gotta like introduce me to things that i can then explore and are interesting that are gonna help me yeah don't like i don't think a lot of progress is gonna be made just going through the my life yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no i i totally agree

with that i'm just speaking on like language. It's like I want you to be a brilliant simpleton to me. Yes, but you got to come at me every once in a while. Yeah. Keep me in check. Question the stories. That's my number one thing. That's my number one thing is I want to be cross-examined. Yeah. number one thing is i want to be cross-examined yeah you want someone who's going like so they

did what they who did what you know you want to like if i'm telling you a story uh i want you to be poking holes in it yeah that's what i need you to be doing yeah because i can't just frame a thing out and have you go wow that's really tough it's like is it though yeah or have i misrepresented every character in this story dude speaking of poking holes they played the chevy chase trampoline story live on kfc oh really yeah because feidelberg was like i he's like, I watch it once a week. It's the funniest thing in the world. It's like the perfect description and depiction of you

and Tommy. You telling a broad story and me picking you apart. Exactly. Exactly. So, wait, what happened? Yeah, tell me. How? How? Tell a story yes you need it

otherwise you just feel like you're lying to yourself well that's i imagine that's like 90 percent of their sessions and that like, maybe that's the cost of a good therapist is someone that sees when you're talking shit, knows, look, you're wasting my time and your time, so I'm going to fuck him.

You're getting fucking, I'm getting a vague for this because you're lying to yourself. You're never going to get better. I could, I could slowly rob you and take food out of your children's mouths i could do that i could take 100 a session for the 30 fucking years barb but you haven't told

me anything of worth and i can't help you because i know deep down you're lying to me it's like a good operative cia, ATF, somebody undercover. Some people just fucking get it because they know how to read people. That's why good therapists, I imagine, are good readers and not just books. It's like someone that goes, I can tell by the way your disposition and your personality traits right now

that you're trying to get one over on me. I'll see you next week. What a waste of fucking time. Slams the door. That is so good. And the the next week ted comes back in you're like okay where do you want to start today ted you want to retell that story you want to retell the story the way it should be told or do you want to move on another side pay me yeah yeah do you want to pay me yeah to retell that story yeah it's so true look how much but i also think

good i also think there's the issue of just like look even if you tell a perfectly true story you know you're gonna like you gotta take almost like hollywood type creative liberties with it because it's like it's too big of a story yeah so you're gonna merge a couple characters into one character because you can't have that. It's going to be, this movie's going to be 15 hours long unless we like, we skip some beats and we don't have everything in there. And yeah, it's like, you got to do some shifting

just for expediency sake. Yeah. And it's like, that's where I need you to be like, wait, did that really happen? Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise I can drone on, you know, it's like, that's where I need you to be like, wait, did that really happen? Yeah. Otherwise I can drone on, you know, it's like, there's no, again, there's no, the story. I don't know where to begin the story.

Yeah. I don't see, I, I think I'm the opposite. I would have no problems. I'm talking shit. Fans are going to be pissed because it's two guys that really haven't taken a shot at therapy talking about what we need. The irony of all this is us knowing what we need. Meanwhile, we just need therapy.

Just put it in the professional's hands. But I just don't fucking believe it. And I've said this at nauseam. It's like matchmakers are single you know priests are pedophiles they're not children of god they're i don't trust anyone so why am i going to give somebody they got to come out of the fucking box hot and i have to know it's got to be a person i know like buying cocaine in 2024 it's got to come from a guy who has a guy that he's been fucking tooting for a while so i know i

don't die exactly i'm not dying of fentanyl and a fucking laying down on a couch some jews telling me i lived my life wrong you know what i mean i need i need a guy from a guy that's been through the fucking you know been through hell with this this doctor dude, you start realizing why people wind up turning to like just magic. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, like you start, like you see why people start turning to like dream analysis and like,

and that, that like breakdown of people, there's like fucking people that drain energy. There's people, you know, there's like all this like energy vampires and like fucking oh man just they start looking at signs and you know astrology shit it's like because the actual getting the actual therapy stuff is too hard yeah give me a book that i has a bunch of bullshit in it that seems fun and i'll just do that yeah

i'll feel like i've done something like a therapy workbook yeah they have like uh no they have i mean all those are that the world of astrology is so infinitely deep you can start just going like oh the reason why i'm feeling this way for fucking six months is because... Uranus. Exactly. Yeah. The rotational access of some fucking moon. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's just... It puts you at peace with it. Of course. Because you're like, oh, well, it's just... It's the fault of our stars. Yeah, but isn't that the point of all religion well this is why i'm saying this is why lighting yourself on fire is so fucking easy yeah you know because it's like if you're gonna

if you're gonna do it you have to tell me when because that'll help my patreon numbers no i that's i won't do it because it's a coward's way out. If I let you on fire, I'll put it. I promise to post it on Patreon. Just a Gatorade. Could you imagine if somehow things had aligned where the only liquid available was a Gatorade jug? Someone put that guy out. It's just Gruden on vacation. What a commercial, dude.

What a great commercial. A political ad. Just putting out some Buddhist monk burning on the steps of the fucking white house with a gatorade just two football players what a great super bowl commercial it's a cherry coke oh man i but yeah that's why it is that's why it is actually tough because it's like if you really start trying to like if you really start trying to fix your mind it's like, if you really start trying to like, if you really start trying to fix your mind, it's so easy to get to go off the rails. Yeah, I mean, there's also a fear there where like, it's not legitimate the way I'm saying it. But like, you're unlocking stuff that, you know, it's Pandora's box type stuff where you're like, oh, fuck.

And then you look back at other relationships other friendships yeah family relationships and you're like i now i i see what that was and then i'm what writing letters for four years you know yeah just apologize yeah or i told you so So, doc told me I was right, dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You are wrong. You are wrong to do that to me. I do think that's a good idea. I think we should do like a therapy thing.

I think we should do a therapy pact. Yeah. You know, we've liked... Just hold hands and jump into therapy. Yes. I'd be down to do it. Yeah, we could do a therapy hour once a week out of our two hours. You've never done it?

Never once. You've never even? No, I took the BetterHelp quiz to line me up with somebody, and then I got the text saying, hey, we found, you know, Carol. I never set a date. Typical fucking coward. I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll get to it. Typical, typical fucking coward. I was like, yeah,

yeah, I'll get to it. And then just forgot. And then I was annoyed. Then I was like, yeah, I forget. Dude,

I, where do you start doing it? It's worse. The, the, the second and third and fourth sessions are the worst. That's when it really gets bad. And I assume it just gets worse from there.

Cause it's just, it's like, it's like, it's like having a set. Like it's like having like a 4. P.M. Set. We were like, why did I agree to do this? Right.

Right. I don't feel like doing my jokes right now. Yeah. The sun's up. Yeah. It's a, I gotta get in. Yeah.

Then you start doing this thing where you're like, I gotta get in the mode to be start doing this thing where you're like i gotta get in the mode to be like doing therapy and you're like it's beautiful out yeah i can just go have lunch with somebody and that would be good now now i'm like now I'm not living my life. Now I'm not adding a happy moment to my life. I have to get in the mode that I was in the last session about how horrible I am and my brain is. It's like it's toxic. You know what I mean?

I can't go in there and just be happy and try to get through it so I can make it to happy hour. Dude, I did a set with the sun up last week it was like a friday or saturday i don't know i had four sets i did the rabbit i did uh east austin then i had to bop over to this private event at the fairmount hotel it's like a five-star fancy hotel in front of rich people. And the first two sets were wonderful. This is like, I walked into this room, and you

just know immediately. Like, these people are not comedy fans. They're just a bucket list check where it's like, oh, let's do something fun. This is this. Yeah. I saw this in the lobby. Hellgig. Fucking nightmare.

It's all got like paneled windows and mirrors so you could see yourself in different angles past the rich people talking over every comic. Like there was a hot couple in the front literally having conversations, not about the show, not about comedy. They're just talking like they're on a date. Direct front and center. and the host went out there and he just he didn't he didn't he didn't set the show up like this is comedy this comedy show here's what you're gonna see he just started

telling his yucks and they were like nah and then there's a bunch more nas and i left this place fucking so disheartened and like wow this is I gotta quit this is like the worst thing I've ever done I took a line scooter to get to the mothership I had one more late set I went to I went to I went the wrong direction for like eight minutes so now I'm cutting it close so now I'm booking I get to this red light, basically peeled out this red light, and there's a pack of Indians, like Indian dudes. And the one guy's like, oh, my God, dude. He goes nuts.

He's like, you're hilarious. I saw you at the mentorship. He's going fucking ham for me. And I was like, yes, dude. Thank you. I'm back. You have no idea how bad I needed that. The light turns green.

I fly across because I'm still going, I'm running late. I go to turn to say thank you, but like say something funny. No. Dude, flipped over the handlebars. You can't see this. I don't know if you can see this, but it's it's it's just now scabbed up yeah i was bleeding on on stage at the mothership dude these fucking indians lost their mind so only one dudeacy's and i was like just tossing myself over a lime scooter holy shit dude there is nothing more embarrassing

talk about footage get me that footage and yeah and, having to, like, being genuinely hurt. Yeah, no, I had to fucking fake. And having to put a good face on. I felt, I, like, scraped along this wall after I flipped over. Dude, it's so bad, dude. It's so bad. So bad. So bad.

Oh, my God, dude. But still, I was riding high with that compliment. And I had maybe the best set of my life After that But yeah you don't do shows like that You know It's true it's true At least when you're getting on stage after that

You're not like I don't have anything to talk about What do I want to say I just got a A bar rag around my wrist. You want to jump over to the Patreon? Yeah, yeah. Let's hit the page. All right.