Stuff Island - Uncle Lazer - Stuff Island #252
Episode Date: September 23, 2026This week Uncle Lazer from Kill Tony joins Tommy and ChrisComedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. T...ommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO THE PATREON: PATREON.COM/STUFFISLAND Get 30% off sitewide with code STUFF athttps://brooklynbedding.comStuff Island fans get up to 30% off their entire order athttps://Undrdog.com #ad Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold you get the third FREE with promo code STUFFISLAND You will also receive an additional 10% OFF + Free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit https://www.BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Yeah, Doc Holliday.
Yeah.
He goes, you can call me what you call the founder of the feast.
When they go to that, they go to that wedding and they like kill that, like, federalie guy, rape his wife.
And then they're like sitting at the table and he's what you call the founder of the feast.
And he's like, Johnny, what that, what that mess can say about a sick horse coming to get us?
He goes, he's quoting the Bible, revelation.
He says, behold, a pale white horse.
And he who sat on him was death and where he went, hell followed with him.
One of the best quotes in, like, movies.
Yeah, it's scary fucking, yeah.
I like that.
Anyways, Adderall's kicking in.
How we did?
Bro, I'm, a cup of Jill, a little Adderall.
You lock eyes in here a fucking quote like that.
You go, oh, Jesus, question.
You could start to a pod.
Yeah.
I got to get to the gym.
That fucking bum me up, bro.
That's a rocky speech.
I got to rewatch Tombstone.
I got to cut the sleeves off a sweatshirt and just cruise around town.
Actually comes like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tombstone is one of those movies that I feel like I have seen,
but only in pieces like on TNT.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Tombstone is you.
Like in terms of what you need.
But that's what happens.
I'm paging through and I go, I've seen Tombstone.
And I don't think I have.
But it's like it's overly dramatic.
It's poetic.
Yeah.
Like very, this is, this is everything you are.
Yeah.
In terms of, this is Val Kilmer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
Poor Val.
What's the one with the quick and the dead?
Sometimes I get those mixed up.
Oh, what that is.
I don't know what that is.
Isn't that the one with Leonardo DiCaprio?
He's a kid.
What's eating Gilbert Gray?
No, no.
Dad's dead, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.
Dad's dead.
Dad's dead.
Dude, that Dad's dead.
How young and talented he was.
14 in that? Yeah. He's like 14 or
15. He's like a kid still. Oh my God.
And he didn't win a fucking
Oscar for that. He went for the Reverend.
Yeah. He been full re-
He never go for a word.
It's true. He was fresh off of the, was it the Wonder Years?
No, the Wonder Years. What the fuck is the other one?
What's the fucking one of the family, but it's not even close to as good as the Wonder
years.
The Wonder Years is like from the 70s, 80s, stupid.
Mixing them up.
Is it about the Vietnam
alcoholic father
that beat his family?
Oh, no, no, the other one.
No, it's the sweet religious family.
The sweet religious family that loved
each other.
Yeah, play guitar.
Growing bass.
Yo, is this spring water?
This is the best water I've ever had.
What is it?
Triple distilled.
Is it like, no, honestly.
No, I could tell.
You can tell.
Don't taste like garden hives.
I said we, but we have the same machine.
I don't live with Chris anymore.
I was gone for a couple months when we were shooting tires,
and then my cousin was living in my apartment,
and she got this machine,
and it spread,
like,
while everyone's got it now.
I literally taste the difference in this water.
It's unbelievable.
Like,
I like,
I would drink more water if it tastes like this.
It's like a good vodka.
It doesn't taste like fish are fucking in it.
It tastes delicious.
It's fucking nice.
Dude,
I got to get you another cup of that.
No,
they're not to be.
I'm going to look at that machine before I go.
The purifier.
It's unbelievable.
And also,
then he,
throw through a fourth distillation.
A little straight, a quadrupled.
He was putting it in the Britta, but I pulled it out.
He puts it in the Brita. I pulled it out.
I pulled it out. Oh, God.
Yeah. It's overhandling.
It's money.
It's too much.
Yeah, he's flexing, dude.
No, it was genuine stupidity.
I, like, forgot you could just take the filter out, and I just wanted to fill that stuff up into the jug.
Yeah.
And so I just left the filter in, and it would take me forever to fill the fucking thing.
Also, that filter's probably from, like, 2018.
Easily.
Yeah. It's one of those things, too.
I swear I bought.
I think when I first got the Britta,
I bought like just a sleeve of those filters.
Yeah.
Gone.
No idea where they are.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the whole.
I got the high,
I got one of the special ones that you don't have to replace very often.
That's the whole gamut.
I just got an electric toothbrush.
And they said,
that's big.
When it changes color on the, on the bristles.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When it's no longer blue, you got to exchange it.
And I was like, it's been.
three weeks?
The color's running out.
I don't get the fuck out of the way to get it.
Well, I believe when I brush my teeth,
I got the ginger vitis.
So my shit's, after the first use,
it's already like a tingeniavitis?
I believe so.
Self-diagnosed, but my shit bleeds.
Yeah, exactly.
You're getting the listerine going?
Yeah, but even that makes it bleed.
So I just quit brushing my teeth there for a minute.
You don't have bad breath, though.
Now it's like kind of, it's strange.
I'd let you know.
No, I let people know all the time.
I'm like, hey, back the fuck up.
You know, like, the bad breath.
You should be able to smell.
that you know what I'm saying yeah and if I smell it I'm done with you yeah me too
I cannot be friends with someone with bad breath no and I think I don't think I've ever
said this on there but like you know like you're laying in bed and like you got morning breath
and shit like that of course yeah like there for a minute like you know I'll roll over and
have like morning sex and like I'll spin on my hand you know because you know the more
nobody's really wet you know what I stink and then I like would think it was their pH
it come turn out just my fucking breath I didn't do it so I've been not talking to women because I'm
You stinky bitch.
Turns out it's just me, halitosis.
Oh my.
Halimutosis.
That's so gross.
I'll be down.
So gross.
So bad.
Yeah.
Sometimes you got to start,
like, if you're in a deep situation like that,
you triple blast with the listerine,
just fucking every,
every couple hours,
two, three hours.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Get the biggest bottle of listerine.
The most powerful version and you just blast the shit out.
And you do the water pick?
I heard that's really good for you.
Waterpick.
The water pick.
The water pick.
The hot.
Good one's hard to find.
Yeah
The water pick is good
I don't know what
You don't have the water
But I slept with a girl
And I just discovered the water pick
Right
So I was like big on the water pick
In the shower
And I'd run this fucking thing
Through my dice
In the shower
And I was actually a great move
Because you can fill it up
It's endless flow
Inlet
So you only need a Britta for that
That's endless flow
Brother
I had
Just pop in that point
Yeah
Just leave the top off, baby.
Fetter to the brim.
You don't care where it goes.
You're protected.
You just hook it up to the shower head nozzle.
It's a fucking hodes of water.
You know how they have like the hold, like the hose?
That just went to a fucking water pick.
It's a detachable.
It's a setting.
Set it to water pick.
So I was in this water pick era.
where I was like, yo, this is the greatest fucking thing I've ever felt.
This is great.
Everybody should know about this.
I slept with this girl.
And she busted my ball so bad.
She called me pop pop pop.
It is a pop-pop thing.
Well, she was a little bit younger, but she was like 25, 26.
How are you at the time?
It was probably like eight years or six or seven years ago.
It was probably like 40.
Okay.
Yeah.
And she was like 25.
And then like she would make.
fun of me. She was very funny.
And make fun of me. And then I was like,
you got to try this water pick.
Dude.
I was like, this girl
has to know about this. This is in
the day. Here's how embarrassing this kid.
Hold on. Hold on. It gets worse.
I promise it gets worse. I've never said
this. Ever. Ever.
I'll never forget this. It was a
beautiful Irish girl. And
I'm telling her about this water
pick after she's destroying
me. Just calling me an old man.
she goes, I can't
I can't introduce you my friends
because they think you're my fucking grandfather.
Like she's just, just
destroying me.
Yeah.
Somehow, you know,
brushing teeth,
Listerine or something came up and go,
you tried the water pick?
And I get fucking deep on.
Oh, no.
I ordered her a water pick.
I had her a delivery
of a water pick.
I went right on Amazon.
I'm like, this is the brand I love.
I'm going to send you a water pick.
Obviously, I'd never seen her since.
It's like getting blued you to release.
Comes in discrete packages.
And it's so long after she fucked.
She fucked me.
She's like, what is this?
Just from me.
Here's a water pick.
It's like, no offense.
Your teeth are nice.
But I'm just, I'm, it's nice.
Wait, so did she get the water pick?
Yeah, she got the fucking water pick.
$100.
Did she send?
Did she respond?
No.
That broke up right after that shortly after that.
No, no.
It was a one night stand.
She just bought a water pick for a one night stand?
I bought her a water pick on a one night stand.
Oh, you're very.
Boy, we're giving people different.
Insane.
We're giving each other different.
I'm telling you.
It's fucking insane.
It's a nice gift.
It is a nice gift.
That's a caring old man gift.
Yeah.
For a loved one or someone you're going to see more than a wife?
You know, that's a big step.
No, I am.
certain that girl is out there somewhere still using the water pick.
100%.
And thinking to me.
There's no way she tried the water pick and was like this bullshit.
No.
Yeah.
It's magical.
That's why you got to go.
It was in all.
If you go in the shower with a water pick.
Unlimited use.
First of all.
Unlimited use.
You're correct.
Unlimited power.
Unlimited power.
So there's ranges.
Right.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
You can drop it to like, I'm going to fuck my gun.
up, yeah.
But there's no, like, worry about the splash on the mirror.
Where am I going to clean the shit up?
You get out of it, dude.
It's a hose and the dog.
But you need to find the right brand, dude.
You need to find the right brand, dude.
Because, like, Ori, I don't know, you need to get, like, a special, like, engineer to, like, take the governor off.
Sometimes they don't.
Really?
Yeah, sometimes the water pick can't.
It just doesn't have the juice.
You got to go in there with a screwdriver and touch it a little bit past like you did on your go car.
Remember when you had your go car?
and he fucking, you know what we used to do?
You know what used to do?
You'd take a T, the golf tea.
Yeah, yeah.
You snap it in half and there was a little gap.
So you'd flip the seat up for the governor
and you'd take the T and you'd like, you know,
block that little gap.
Yep.
Unlimited power.
We're flying, man.
We're going to space.
I was probably like 35, but it fell to 18.
No, dude.
35 in a golf cart?
35 in a golf cart, it's like 35.
Flying.
boat.
Yeah, yeah.
You're flying.
Dude,
jump on a line scooter.
You forget,
like these boys
fucking bounce.
Dude, those things,
my step sister
took on her bachelor
party took a fucking
curve too sharp,
fell on her face,
busted all her teeth out.
They had to reschedule the wedding.
She had to go out of Mexico
and get a foot.
With water pick be damned.
She had no teeth to peak.
Weird.
I know.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't need a water pick
with dentures.
No.
They're all locked.
Dude,
the other thing about a shitty water pick
is a shallow reservoir
for the water.
Mm-hmm.
You don't have enough water in the thing.
Oh, and it starts spitting air?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
What chain pet is as well?
You know?
What?
That's how you get a poppy seed out of your fucking dice.
But, I don't know.
I think the water pick is big.
Yeah.
Lime scooters also.
Yeah, yeah.
I can't do that.
That's,
that can't do it.
Yes.
And everything bagel?
Oh.
With the cream cheese with the salmon?
Baby.
Mm.
I'll get a poppy seed.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
Cream cheese chive.
Yep.
You like to chive?
That's right.
Chive cream cheese is pretty fucking good.
Fucking sending.
I mean, it's a very, yeah, I don't know.
It's very East Coast order.
I don't know if that's really your speed.
Well, I'm starting to realize I'm allergic to bread,
like gluten bread or whatever.
And I hate saying that because that's fucking gay.
But, you know, like, I did a little lineage test,
a little DNA test.
It's real.
And it's like what your ancestors used to eat
or what your lineage,
what you came from your main your diet.
Yeah.
Every time I eat bread, I just, I think I have, like,
Crones.
So I don't even know if I've ever had a sourdough.
Oh, me.
That's the best bread.
I'm not a big bread guy.
That's the best bread.
We're throwing all the...
Yeah, you're like, shots.
They got shots.
There's everything.
There's popping sheets on it.
You love it.
Have you had rye?
Have you tried to get proving on rye?
Look, Jewish rye.
Jewish rye bread.
A marble Jewish rye bread, get the fuck out of here.
It's unbelievable.
Yeah.
Try the Jewish rye.
Also, try sourdough.
first because it's less on the belly.
Really?
Yeah.
It's very good for you.
It's like a probiotic, right?
Yeah, I sort of thought.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's very good for the belly.
I'm kind of on.
Yeah, I think gluten's
doing something to me, but if I were to quit it,
I'd quite quit it.
I wouldn't tell a soul.
Yeah, because you just feel like, oh, I can't.
Yeah.
No, I totally feel that.
I wouldn't tell.
I totally feel that.
Everybody believes it.
I would just go like, no, I'm not feeling a sandwich today.
Yeah.
I would just constantly being like,
nah, I had pizza yesterday.
I would be like, I would be like.
Denying it.
I'd be like, no, no, I'm still eating gluten.
I buy bread, I buy bread and keep it in the house.
Just someone came over.
Let it spoil.
Yeah, let it go bed, feed the ants, then toss it.
I don't want to be gay in front of my friends.
Yeah, because it's weird going, yeah, I got a gluten allergy.
That's weird.
I'm going to a corn tortillas.
Just going to a whole bakery and buying like $100 worth of bread just to toss it.
Just fear of not being gay.
feeding to the ducks and shit later.
Of course I love that.
Leaking it out like Shawshank in a park.
Little out of time.
Little at a little at a time.
A little crush of the bitch on the Marines.
Oh, man.
Dude, I actually saw that movie the other day.
I forgot I forget how good that movie is Shawshank.
It's so good.
I was with like a little 25-year-old like, hey, have you ever seen Shawshank?
We sat there and watch it.
It's like Andy Dupree.
Yeah.
God damn.
Andy Dufrein.
DeFraim, that's what he is.
Danny Dupree.
Totally different movie.
No, that guy's a white receiver.
For the Titans.
Half black, half white,
obviously.
Andy Dupree.
Yeah, that's one of those movies where
because, you know, when you hear someone
that you, like, you really like,
they're, like, cynical takes.
They're, like, angry takes about
pop culture or whatever.
And then they hate on that movie.
You're like,
I don't want to fuck with you.
It's not honest.
It's not honest.
That's not.
That's like Google hunting.
Goodwill hunting is a good water test for me.
Yeah.
Where I ask somebody if you like goodwill hunting.
Yeah.
And like how much do you love this movie?
Yeah.
That's a good water test.
Yeah.
Because then you go.
Dude, I'll go as far as it is, Forrest Gump.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
If you can't just admit to them.
That you love eating chocolate.
Sitting on that park bench.
We make so much money here.
I cut that grass for free.
Josh?
Yeah.
It was only two.
Oh, you got to edit out in the...
Yeah, we added out the nasty words.
He hates when I say nasty words.
It's just Josh on a...
Yeah.
It just puts...
Infinite beats...
Yeah.
With like the headphones and a metal detector.
Having to search...
Oh, my God.
...search for...
In words.
Yeah.
Because that whole
The whole thing's got to be
That's the mother load
You can rip this
We found a vein
A vein
Vane of
The gold is rich
The giant ore of rain
You never say in the magic vein
Jocces is paying
For the
There's gold in that hills
Oh man
I'm sorry
Hopefully we got that all that out
Yeah we got to get it out
No it's gonna come back
One junk
Gonna come back
Oh man
Josh has been real mouthy lately
No he has
Yeah, last week he was real fucking mouthy
No
Yeah, you don't know
It's communication
Is it?
I was in the group chat
I was in the group chat
I respect
In person's fucking nuts
Just Josh and I
You get a little chippy
Yeah yeah
He was getting fucking
He was
He thought it would be the opposite
Right?
You have a friend here
You know
Yeah yeah
Like laser
It's just Josh
Josh was
coming out
Yeah
Right out of the gate
Just fucking
On my ass
Really?
You know
Yeah
You shut up in a sleep shirt
What?
I was wearing PJs
Oh like a gown
Oh really?
Like a nightgown
Don't tell me that's back in style
No no
It was actually a crop top
Dude those are back
I've been buying
I've been buying
Excel shirts now
You can crop it
myself.
I'm like, why?
Because I got so many
Excel shirts
and they look like
blankets.
But I've been cropping
the fuck out.
I'm like, this is it.
They're back.
And now I'll crop
above the belly button.
I could,
really?
A little middrift central.
Yeah, yeah.
I swear to God a few days ago,
I cut three t-shirts.
And I, I measure it.
I put them on.
Yeah, I need you.
And yeah, I'll take a line.
I'll do a little fucking chop.
Or a knife
to a little pop.
And then I cut them.
Do you guys,
you guys hit like an authentic waistline?
I try to hide where my waist
is because I get a weird body.
No, you don't.
Dude, you would look great in a crop.
You'd look great in a crop.
A long torso is great for crop.
That is great.
That's a standard issue cropped up.
100% in my mind.
No scissors.
And honestly, I wanted no scissors.
I wouldn't even a little step further.
And I bought me one of them goddamn shearing things.
You get in one swoop like a pizza cutter, but for like cloth.
Unbelievable.
I love it.
Yeah, dude.
I'm getting heavy into it.
I got to get a shear.
I got to get off drugs and shit.
So I started to start doing other stuff.
Like how?
Just a feature roll.
Yeah.
It's like that.
And they got angles and measured.
Damn.
I know how to sew it shit too.
My mom taught me how to sew when I was little.
So I got sew on a sewing machine.
I can do all kind of shit with it.
Dude, that was the number one thing.
Anytime I was at school and you go into like the office.
And they had that big.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Man, I wanted to bring that home so bad.
Yeah.
I was wanted to put somebody's hand in it.
I was going to say, if you don't get violent,
if you don't get violent in your head,
watching that, I would judge you.
Yeah.
If you don't think,
who could I fucking,
who could I slice?
Oh, she didn't like the water pick?
Yeah.
Well, it was also like it.
It was shaped.
Pop-pop.
Head off.
Dude.
Great life.
It was shaped like a fucking samurai sword.
It was.
It was like that big curved one.
One of those Muslim swords.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For religion or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For religion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, man, I, yeah, I think it's crazy that they had that.
They should have made it less appealing to rip off and hit people with.
It looked very accessible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It did.
It was just a machine gun that you fucking sprayed bullets down it.
How sad it is I'm going to look up fucking shears.
I'm going to look up shears.
I'm going to get another water pick.
I haven't had a water pick in a while.
Yeah.
It's been a while.
Sadie got a water pick maybe two years ago.
And I was like, yeah, God.
And I used it and I was like...
You've been Dyson.
Dude.
It's convenient.
It's better than flossing is a night there.
That sucks.
Thank you.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Yeah.
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It's a...
I don't know if no one ever taught me
how to floss properly.
But I always like do it
and it feels like it's gonna get fucking stuck in there
and I get worrisome about it.
Yeah.
Then I yank it out and I feel like I'm done doing this.
I don't like this.
It's uncomfortable.
Also it doesn't look like it but I have like dog dice
where like it cuts it immediately.
Really?
I tried those picks where it has like
the tiny little strain.
As soon as I ripped through one of my dice
sharp edges.
It's fucking dead.
And the amount of money,
you get a water pick to go
it's a vibrator.
It's a vibrator.
It's a vibrator for your
fucking your gums and your mouth to just clear everything.
It was like the first time using a power washer.
Yeah.
That was the...
And you see that before and after,
and that gives you clarity.
Like, oh, brother.
Oh, I've been in this.
I've been in this guy.
There's a guy on fucking Instagram.
Cuts lawns for free.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
You see this guy?
Yeah.
And he's got some people,
door.
He goes,
and the before and after.
Get the hell out of here, man.
What the fuck you're doing here?
Yeah, dude.
He goes to that.
What you'd be doing his?
And he's like, I just want to cut your lawn looks unruly.
and I would just like to cut your lawn for free.
No charge.
And they're like, I, I, and they go back inside for a bit.
And it takes four hours.
And I just watch this dude.
Yeah.
Run the whole fucking lawn and then edge.
Edge.
And then he hits in between the sidewalks with the thing.
He scrapes it up.
He just levels it out.
It's like Picasso.
Dude, he's painting.
And they've learned how to fuck with you.
Picasso.
Clip-wise.
Yeah.
Because you'll see a clip and he'll start
fixing it and then the clip will end
yeah and then you click on to his channel to go
where's I need to see this get finished yeah
and it's a sea of clips about other yards and you're like
yes you can't be where it's the end yeah canceled but I
we're not going out tonight babe I know I gotta find
what I just found his page it's great and it's cool
because like the blacks they yell at him you know when he knocks on the door
yeah and then they're like for free yeah you know and it looks it's
incredible.
Yeah.
I mean,
in fairness to
the blacks,
I would also
be like,
get the fuck off my
out of here,
weird of you.
Yeah, yeah,
can I cut your
yard for free?
No.
I don't know what you're up to.
What's the catch?
Yeah.
I don't know what's going on,
but I don't know
if you get some type of
property rights once you got to go on.
Yeah.
Oh,
you live here now.
Yeah.
You live here now?
Yeah.
What's the catch?
Yeah.
Also,
I made it okay with
36 inch,
36 inch grass.
I've done violent.
I don't mean you coming in here.
Yeah, yeah.
And changing the length of my grave.
There's one where he runs over a cat, though.
It was like a dead cat.
No, I made that up.
That'd be pretty sick, though.
That's almost more shocking that he hasn't.
Yeah, I know, right?
Yeah.
Dude, I-
Josh edits that out.
I landscape for...
If Josh was his editor, he would edit it out.
I'd landscape for like four years in high school.
And, like, eighth grade to all through high school.
And we'd, uh, landscape our...
local grade school
graveyard. So I went at this
place called St. Charles Bermayo
and we'd do the graveyard and it was
like the undulation
and the ground was fucking nuts but every now
and then you'd hit like a dead bird
a dead squirrel, a dead pigeon
it would go
and
but it would be like
I was at war like this smell
of death
when you smell a decaying
Behold
a pale wine horse
and everywhere he went was death or whatever
I felt like I said
Tommy on a John beer
You're just all full rate
His turges, poor cry
Oh God, I love it
I'm just having me old
Seven Miller lights at a VFW after that
I hate a raccoon today, boys
Wasn't pretty
You wouldn't understand
But the stink
The stench
It's unbelievable
It's like lightning a match after taking a shit.
Like killing a bird?
Oh, when they just...
Yeah, you run over a dead something.
Oh, yeah.
In a graveyard.
Decaying, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's such a sad, weird, wonderful experience.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just like navigating that...
The terrain, yeah.
And then looking at, like, you know, tombstones going, like, respect this.
This is...
You got to, you know, clean up for these dead people.
Yeah.
I know.
It's a weird juxtaposition.
of going like I'm going to
make sure their shit's tidy
but then you're running over fucking
you know 40 bottles and fucking
dead pigeons and this is
absolute hell I have a tough time in a
graveyard because part of me goes are they really
down there
you know what I mean? Yeah
and then yeah
and then you'll be walking around and going are they really
down there and then you'll see the tombstone
that has multiple people
I feel like shared them yeah yeah
stack them well they're poor
like bunk beds
but you can't do a math
I saw a video where in Africa,
there's like a little city in Africa,
they barrel a hole
from the width of the shoulders
straight down.
Instead of doing six feet down
and wide.
They do it narrow and...
Right?
Like a fucking straw.
It's Africa's Steve Jobs.
Yeah.
Ain't that like for the tree?
The turtle neck ties it all
Oh shit
But these
The family members
Had to grab
Hold on
The family members had to grab
This old lady
And then like
Just like
Her legs
Finagle her in
Oh yeah dude
She's dead
Yeah
She's fucking dead
They gotta like
Move around
Try to take a cat to the bed
Yeah, put it in water
Constantly won't go down the hole
Yeah
Just I don't tire
Ropes around her
She did go meow
But it doesn't make sense
I mean
It's for like them turning into trees right
Because like the body decomposes
It goes back to the salt and earth
And then it becomes a tree
Because they can
You can do that now
You get cremated to like a tree pod
Or some shit like that
Yeah it's kind of cool
I don't know
Right just put me
I don't mind that
I don't be regular
Just put me
Burn me
Yeah like just you know
snort my ashes
or something. Get the fuck rid of me.
Yeah.
100%.
That's the conversation I'm having right now
with my parents.
About what they're going to do?
She, because my father's like,
was never religious.
My father never went to church.
Yeah.
Ever.
Unless it was like a funeral or a wedding.
The only time my father ever entered a church.
My mother.
Religiously?
Very religious.
She was a Eucharistic minister,
heavy Catholic.
So we went every Sunday.
it got to the point growing up where
like in order to avoid church
I would say I'm going to the 11 o'clock
and she would make me bring home
the pamphlet
that says like 11 o'clock here's
sermon this is all the things
she'd go get the pamphlet
so then I started like
one of my buddies
would go to the actual mass
I'm like yo can you grab me a pamphlet
give me an extra pamphlet
and I would hide under my deck
the back deck
for 45 minutes to an hour.
I would just sit there.
I would just sit there.
Under the deck.
I would rather sit under a deck
than go all the way to church
and grab a pamphlet and then go fuck off.
Because what I could have done,
which I eventually learned,
it's going to walk in, grab a pamphlet,
fuck off.
I just, I like the idea
that there was some like enterprising young kid
in your town.
Selling these things?
I got 430.
You got 4.30?
Sunday Mass 11.
I got, yeah.
It's like trading cards.
I got noon.
I got midnight.
I got midnight.
Oh, that's so good.
That's going to be an upcharge.
It's Christmas Day.
That's so good.
Yeah.
Just keep making a killing.
I don't know.
He just goes to church all day.
Well, I got scared because they hired
like a mentally
challenge guy to hand out
lollipops
and he would just sit there with like a
tin of cookies like an old tin of cookies
with that cookies
fox garden the head now
bro 100%
no
say the quote
I literally was about to
I literally was like be old
yeah
we're putting you on lollipops
to me back
I don't want me
funny business
you know
dude
this guy
this dude would greet you with
what's that's a German
cookie brand
it's got a blue box
like a royal blue
tin
it's called like
Binkster
something
something like that
it's like a very popular
Christmas
cookie
tin
just say cookie tin
no
it's a one in a
yeah it's a little
circle tin
and it comes with
the
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
God, it's delicious.
It's an assortment.
I don't I think what it's called.
Yes.
So you'd be greeted by this fucking mentally deranged guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he had a tongue like a chihuahua that was like on year 15.
Oh, like just hanging out.
Out and about.
Yeah, yeah.
And he would just start licking his lips and he's holding an empty cookie tin with fucking lollipops.
And he was like, well, lollipop.
And I'm like, this is your entrance as a child.
And I'm like, I'm scared.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then someone will berate you going,
you're a piece of shit.
You don't deserve heaven.
And then I look at my fucking mom,
and she's like,
sit up straight and like, it's hell.
Yeah.
The whole hour and a half is fucking hell.
Yeah.
From the pew.
From the jump, dude.
From the jump, dude.
Oh, he would come out with the basket.
For tithes.
For communion or whatever.
Yeah.
No, no.
The basket is.
He's got a lot of responsibility.
Yeah, they really
Take advantage
He doesn't know what his responsibility is
His responsibility is
His responsibility is putting his tongue back
In his fucking mouth
Can't even do that?
He's on cookie duty at the front door
And he's got to pick up a
A basket
It's a 10 foot basket
I know
That he has to go down the fucking
What is that?
It's for all money
So he has communion
Or not community
Yeah yeah okay
But he don't he don't
That's not where you hand out
The bread and the wine stuff
And they didn't let it be that yet
Yeah yeah
That was
No, you get lying for that.
Dude, these guys, in my church,
these guys were nice with the basket.
It was like, it was like gondola.
Gondola's in Venice.
You know what it is?
It's Connecticut.
They're all lacrosse flying.
They're all great lacrosse fly.
They probably turn it.
Just Indian pick up your money.
They're spinning it to grab your pen.
Hey, don't twiddle.
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't want to put the tent in there.
Yeah.
Bottom hand down, just scooping through.
But, dude, but like how you said it, like, you know, like the handicapped challenge kid at the front,
it does scary as a kid.
Because, like, I remember distinctly taking swimming lessons when I was six and I had to be next to a little challenge boy.
Yeah.
And he would come up and spit water on me every fucking day in my face.
Yeah.
And finally, I busted him in the fucking nose and I couldn't do swim lessons no more.
But that, I don't get no special treatment.
You can't just fucking spit water on somebody in the face like that.
Yeah.
But then, like, oh, you can't hit the room, you know, you can't do that.
Also, as a kid.
It scares you, though.
It's like, because you don't know how to handle that.
Yeah.
Because like you're socially adapt.
Like, you know, why does his tongue do that?
And you're kind of the same age so you don't know that he's a little off.
You know, and your, my dad's like, the boy is slow.
Yeah.
You know, like, I'm like, I don't know what that is.
He's spitting water on me.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
So I get it with the lollipops.
Yeah.
I mean, you are treating him like an equal.
See, I thought it was fair.
It is.
But now you do that shit now.
You're going to like court.
You're going to go to like jail and shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was progressive.
I miss him.
Yeah, it is, it is scary.
Spitting a lot.
Look,
because it's like,
No,
I got to spit on it.
You got to draw a lot.
I know,
but I mean,
someone's got to interfere.
You know what I mean?
You can't.
You man to me?
Look, I get, you know,
I get that you can't spit on him.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, it's not the same.
Same.
But him spitting on you, I mean, how many times is that going to happen before?
He kept doing it over and over, and I kept telling him to stop.
Is it pool water in his sport?
He come up from like, we don't you hold the breath, they got a couch 20,
he come up, and he'd come up, you spit the water on my face.
And I'm like, but as a kid, like, I know something's wrong with him, you know, but I'm like,
when I'm like, I can't just deck him.
But then I'm like, enough's enough.
He gets pushed up against a wall and put a dog in a corner.
He'll buy a r-and-old.
Did you build up to a punch?
Sorry.
Sorry, my bad.
Yeah.
Because I do the Da Vinci.
You can just type in the word and it shows it everywhere, right?
Or is that not work like that?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
What's a typing thing?
I used to edit as well.
I don't look like it, but I do.
I believe it.
DaVinci is a typing thing?
It was a DaVinci Resolve?
The Divinci Resolve?
You can type in keywords and it just like shows it everywhere in the thing.
That's pretty nice.
I had to learn how to edit out of spite because my editor fucked me.
So I like, I had a crash course for like two hours with one of my roommates who like,
he like does that shit.
and I'm like, just give me this course.
Like, just teach me so I don't have to rely on nobody.
Dude.
I'll be damned there.
I'll spit on my face.
I'll be damned.
Yeah.
You hear me?
Did you build up to a punch?
Did you hit him with a big splash?
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
I mean, at one point, yeah.
You just, you just, one of the caboos.
Yeah, you got it.
You give him a caboose?
Just to let him know what he's.
You know what I mean?
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
You gotta just show him.
You gotta give him to come up.
You gotta hold this.
You can do this.
Easy way or the hard way.
I'll give you a little taste of the hard way before you.
Just hold him under.
Yeah.
You can boom him, yeah.
A couple steps back.
Yeah.
It's like a dog being too confident.
You gotta.
You gotta check them.
You got to check them at the door like a coat, man.
Dude, my talk.
My dog has an ear infection right now
where we have this
this solution that we have to squirt
directly into the canal.
So she's been like flipping her giant ears
and then doing a lot of this
and we're like, oh, I took a look in.
It's got a little bit of something.
Sure.
And this happened like a year or so ago.
And we have the solution and it like drives it in.
And then she just went.
Yeah.
She did one of those in my eyes, like just solution all over my fucking face.
Places a fucking mess.
But you got to get it in there.
So I'm like trying to get it in her ear.
Massage it in.
And then we take her to the dog park this morning.
Like 9 o'clock, 930.
She fights immediately.
Really?
Dude.
She's at the gate.
So there's two gates.
One swings this way.
The other swings that way.
And you've got to take the harness off in between the gate.
It's like a prison.
Yeah.
Where they lock you in.
Door closes, you know, take the cuffs off.
Now you can get in there.
Same thing with a dog.
And I take her off.
And this one dog was a motherfucker.
And it was mayhem.
Just immediate mayhem.
And it's early.
It's nine in the morning.
It's probably 9.30.
Yeah.
9.30 in the morning.
And she's going after this fucking dog.
It's because of her ear affection.
Right.
She's agitated.
She's on me.
She's agitated.
Someone's going to get it.
Someone's going to fucking get it.
And I,
I was the one that got
Because the whole time I'm
Running around
Like a toddler shit in its pants
He's gonna get out there
Hey hey
Hey baby
Come on come come
Oh yeah
You know
I'm on fucking
I'm on dog duty
A dog duty
Did you fuck the other dog up?
Yeah
Yeah
How what kind of dog
She's a pit bull mix
Okay
Yeah
So yeah
She's very sweet
Josh knows
Josh to attest
She's a very sweet dog
What's a win
What's a win
In a dog park
scuffle. You get on top?
I think they do like a jumping way.
The win is respecting your boundaries,
barking not to be bullied.
And then everybody makes up. Stay in your ground.
Okay.
Yeah.
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Outside of the lady getting delivered, what else do you want from Blucho?
Boom.
It's like I ain't going to be, I'm not that bitch.
I'm going to show you.
So she has a hard time with this because she thinks my dog's out of control.
And I'm like, no, she's fucking staying around.
Yeah.
She's just going, I ain't going to be a fucking pussy.
You're saying that the other lady has a hard time with this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The other lady and her dog.
Yeah.
It's always an awkward interaction.
Be like, oh, sorry for my dog fucking your dog up.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
It's very hard, done.
You know?
It's also weird going like, hey, there's special hours for little bitch dogs.
Yeah.
Have you read the happy hour?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Six to seven.
It's like adult swim.
Yeah.
Your dog's a pussy.
You come between seven and eight.
Dude, I couldn't trouble you for some more of that delicious filtered water.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Is that all right?
That's good stuff.
It's been beeping at me.
Is that got alcohol in it?
Is that actual, or do you mix those?
Is that alcohol in that or no?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, a vodka mule.
How about, damn.
Cut waters.
You ever had to cut water?
ain't that what you got all
Sideways on in St. Pete was the Cutwaters
Someone got like I was like
You know you're supposed to be mixing that right not just drinking that fully
What's he doing?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Because I was sold for $1,000
Somebody was going to show up
Hit more home runs with me and somebody just didn't even fucking show up
Can we get to that?
Huh?
100%
Yeah
But there's a home run dirt?
Also it wasn't cut waters
I wish it was
Okay
At one point I looked at you and I go,
there's no way in hell you're getting up.
Yeah.
That was the St. Pete night.
Incredible stuff.
San Pete.
Yeah.
You guys,
there was a softball game?
Softball derby?
We had a home run derby.
I couldn't move my fucking arm.
Oh, yeah.
The injury was like this is,
it still hurts,
but like I got a contusion.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
What from falling or what?
I hit my head and then fell on my shoulder.
Yeah.
Like I couldn't raise my arm above here for like two weeks.
that night
mobility yeah because I think I remember you doing it
if I'm not
apparently I do remember you
it's a it's a big story
it's a big story we try not to talk
about laser
well no it's just it came out on the injury
report that morning
yeah
yeah I look
Tom's up Willard
with the shoulder injury I didn't think he even had a shoulder
problem
I'll just say it's a hamstring
I'll be a
yelling everybody.
Well, you know, I just never seen...
Sorry.
Did you win the home run derby?
40.
My team did, yes.
But it was kind of stupid because, like, you know, and it's like,
it was kind of last minute.
They gave us some kind of shit, $50 cheap, wouldn't bat.
I saw the replays.
And then they gave us those balls that are like BP balls.
So like when you hit them, they're soft.
They're meant to like...
Dude, I mean, I've hit one as pure as I can hit one.
I saw it.
I saw it.
Over third base.
I saw it.
You know what I'm saying?
Like I turned on it, cracked it, went over third base.
That was it.
I go, we're not hitting any of these out.
This is a line drive derby is what this is.
We're the ground road, the ground road double derby.
Yeah, they're 100% right.
Yeah.
No, you're 100% right.
If they're not hardwired cork.
Yeah, there's no pop.
There's no pop.
Especially with that bat.
I mean, like, I'm like, you might as well just give us wiffle balls at that point.
Yeah.
I know.
You need to get the one, that is any, any comedy sports event, it's like,
they always have some.
Jesus Christ.
What?
It's just funny.
It was that triggering comedy sports?
Any comedy sports event.
Yeah.
Should trigger you.
What a cringe collection of words.
No, but they don't.
They never get the details right.
They never get the details right.
It's almost a bunch of fat bedbugs trying to play sports.
It feels like, well, it also sometimes it feels intentional.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
They're just like, let's, maybe they do know what they're doing is what I'm saying.
Like, it's like, let's get all the products that are going to make any,
comedian who thinks he's a jock
feel like an absolute
piece of shit.
Yes, yes, yes, yeah.
Together.
No, I thought, I thought
beach balls were baseballs.
You're like,
come on, man.
Who wants to play volleyball
with a balloon?
Oh, that's good.
That's so good.
Gilly.
No, I saw you rip one.
I was like, oh, that's fucking, that's got to be gone.
Because, you know when you swing
and you hit a fucking, you know,
it's like, you know, it's better
coming.
Yeah.
It's just smooth and pure.
Yeah.
And I look up and it goes right past third base.
And I go, all right.
Thanks for having us.
Let's stop all this.
150 degrees with the humidity out there.
We're just hitting ground balls.
Thanks for having me.
You know what I'm saying?
It's the worst.
It's the worst.
It's the worst.
It's like a potato.
And it's morphed.
Yeah.
It's like a baby head when it comes out.
You know, they got to like pat it together.
You know what I'm saying?
Sourdough.
You know, I'm talking about.
You got pat it back together.
It's like rolling over.
Yeah.
Stop up the kids.
sleep on its back.
You know any friends that have a flat back head?
Hmm.
No.
You've never met a do with you said.
That's a straight flat back.
Spitting on me at the pool.
No one rolled you over.
No one paid attention enough for you to fucking roll over.
Or you're that insane as a child?
They kept the shake.
She just never move.
You know, like vampire sleepers?
Yeah.
No, some kids find a, some kids find a pocket, dude, and they just...
That's crazy.
I'm telling you.
That's why you see the kids with a little shake.
papers.
Yeah, some of those kids find a pocket
and guess what else?
The rest of their life
they're holding a fucking tin of
Christmas cookies.
Filled with lollipop.
It ain't got no gase in.
It ain't got no gasey.
I got nothing but love.
I got
I got nothing but love
for my misshaping head brothers out there.
It's crazy.
You're just lucky if it's the backside
because you can grow hair.
Oh, it sucks.
You get, if you're a forehead sleeper,
seeing a flat back.
Dude, you can get a whole,
you can get just one flat side
if you're not careful.
Yeah,
I've talked about this many times.
But as a parent,
you've got to roll the kid over
so many times
to keep him from doing that.
Is that real thing?
For real, you got to like kind of...
Yeah, dude.
Because babies will go like,
I like a position
and you're like that,
you can't sleep like that.
You know what I mean?
What about...
The skull is forming.
Yeah, but like,
but I didn't,
and I don't know this to be a fact
that I'm asking,
but like when they come out like ain't it like a doctor kind of has to like morph the head like it'll come out elongated
am i am i am i was not a lot to about that yeah yeah because the skull is all soft and it's got it literally
has a zone where they can it can cave in well it's up top that's up top oh the crown yeah what about
no the whole you have seams in your skull you know like when you see like a skull there's like a
there's like seams in it yeah it's because when you're a baby it's not it's intentionally not
fused so you can slip through the birth canal.
Really?
Yeah, your brain is, the human brain is so big, and it's obviously, like, the best thing we got
going, that you, they couldn't make a hard skull and get it through a woman's pussy.
Yeah.
No, no, I guess that.
I try to put a bowling ball in there one time.
I get it.
I get it.
But have you ever heard the courtesy stitch?
Are your boys familiar with this?
Yeah, yeah.
He's had a real thing.
That's a real thing.
The what?
You can ask the doc, be like, yeah, I need a little husband.
and stitch because that thing comes out, you know, like
a month's lap and you got to like, you got
center it back to center, you know
what I'm saying? I don't know. I mean. So they like
hit it with a staple gun. I swear to God.
If you're a real piece of shit, you get everything
done during that whole process.
In what regard? What do you mean?
Lipo, change your pussy, get her new tips.
Yeah, just get a whole new woman. Just
you got a whole new woman coming. I mean, yeah.
Incredible stuff.
This is. We're having job.
Hold on.
Boys.
wouldn't it be nuts
if men gave birth and it made
your dick huge
oh my god
just like they just come out with a perfect
deer cock yeah it was just gigantic
yeah and you got it like a month off
no you gotta have kids man
he slept
I'd have a kid every fucking three months
just a root
yeah
and the doctor's job was to like
bring it back to its original size
and be like come on man
you don't yeah come on
just leave it
just a root
what he
that would be hysterical
but I don't know
Now if you, I don't know if the, I don't know if, now I don't know if the courtesy stitch is a real thing.
No, it's a definitely real thing.
Also, they rip their assholes.
Yeah, you get the, yeah.
They get their butt holes stitched up too.
Puss is stitched very fricking.
Because I had sex your winter course with a lady at like about three weeks after she gave birth.
Holy Christmas.
In Mississippi, I met her at a Woffhouse Sorgod and I fucked her on a tennis park bench.
And it was very, like putting your dick in a coffee can.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Like, you could feel.
You could feel the mesh lining from the stuff.
But I'm just like...
You fucked a girl.
Three weeks after birth.
On a park bench that you met in...
In Hattieburg, Mississippi.
At a Waffle House.
Yeah.
We were talking on Tinder,
and we met at a Woff House just by chance
later that night after the Green Mallard.
Oh, I don't know if you could call it by chance.
Oh, you...
I didn't tell her I was going there.
She just happened to be there at the same time.
And we had matched on Tinder about two hours before.
There's like three places you can possibly be.
Yeah, it's the one place open, you know.
Just so happened.
You got a Billy Barnum's bar or fucking Waffle House?
And my sister was like, you can't sleep with this girl in this house.
And I go, so I walked out to the tennis court part.
That's why I got the elbow thing and blew the brakes off of it.
But it was like, but at the stitching, you could feel it, like the mesh lining, the webbing in from the, I don't know how it works.
Yeah.
You know.
But you can feel it.
It's got to take time to come back.
It doesn't feel like a normal thing.
you know that's why I asked
you probably get like someone
hit that with a stapler or something you know what I'm saying
like put that back in the center
get some stem cells in there not don't do that
how not you but like don't do they
what have sex on a park bench
it's three weeks out of giving birth
I don't know she hadn't fucking a long time
maybe she didn't fuck for nine full months
I like this Chris and she was just like
the baby's head doesn't fuse
so you can push it out through the vaginal canal
I learned that not only 20 minutes ago
well her baby had a solid
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A hundred percent.
A couple weeks later.
That's a 14-pound ball and ball.
That kid was in second grade
before you delivered.
That's a full grown eight-year-old
that came out of you.
All split up.
Let's have that little waffle house.
Get fucking raked on a fucking park bench.
That's an impressive piece of work, though.
Yeah.
Birth?
No, the fucking other...
Oh, I'll do what you just did.
Giving birth is the most impressive thing
you can ever do
as a person.
That's not what I said.
Women.
I said fucking on the bench.
Yeah.
Is impressive.
Oh.
You know, she's just,
she just gave births.
She's got a kid at home.
She's at Waffle House.
Is that a kid?
Yeah, a kid wasn't there.
Died?
Birth?
Didn't ask.
Don't think she had custody.
Don't know.
But it's not,
none of my business.
But the remnants of what it had been,
it had come through there.
I know that for sure.
Sideways.
But I don't know where it ended up.
is what I'm trying to tell you.
Holy shit.
Horizontal bird is
Oh, God.
You come out on your side.
Who wants lasagna?
That's so funny.
Who wants a meat lasagna?
I don't know what happened.
Something had come through there.
This little baby giraffe.
Oh, goodness.
I'm sorry.
Just like LaForre's.
Yeah.
Yes, this woman's giving birth.
something was in there
you know that was the nuts
traeasiest part did you see that murder doc
where the lady
the lady kills her friend and
cuts her baby out
yeah that's diabolical
she tries to say it's her baby
and that she just gave birth
and like
what she pretended to be pregnant
for months
yeah
with her husband
just got fat
and pretended to be pregnant
then murders her friend
and cuts the baby out
to kill her husband
keep her lie up.
Yeah.
And then brings,
and then is like on the road
trying to drive to a hospital
and the cops like pull her over.
And she's like,
I need to get to a hospital right now.
I just gave birth.
And then the doctor,
the doctor,
like she goes to the hospital
and the doctor's like,
can't look at your pussy.
Because you don't seem like you just gave birth.
And she was like,
why I don't know,
why would you even need to do that?
He's like,
can I just say it?
Let me see it.
When do you see what came through there?
Yeah, yeah.
And then he...
Just give me a pee.
Yeah.
It's literally like, it's North Texas.
Is this for real thing?
This is a real thing?
You can watch this?
Yeah, yeah.
And the doctor, the doctor comes out and he does, I mean,
classic doctor thing where he's like ripping his gloves.
I was like, ain't no baby comes here.
Oh, fuck.
It's nuts.
It's crazy.
What do?
They take her to jail then right there?
Half Shirley, right?
Like, that's why?
Yeah.
Dude.
Yeah.
She was in the hospital pretending she gave birth.
But she killed the woman with the baby.
Was she the woman about to have the baby?
Yes.
In the second trimester, she cut it out.
No.
Okay.
So she's there.
This baby was ready to go.
Okay.
It was about to pop.
Yeah.
Wow, what a piece of shit.
Yes.
Massive piece of shit.
And it's so funny.
Predetermined.
This woman, like, thought about this whole process.
I'm going to lie about this whole thing.
And then I'm going to murder this woman.
Cut her fucking baby out.
Yeah.
This is my child.
And then a doctor look at her pose.
Dude.
And she had,
she's like,
nothing came through this tunnel,
dude.
Dude,
and she had had,
she had like a hysteria.
No fucking,
she had a hysterectomy
like years before.
There was no way she could have baby.
No chance she could have child.
And like,
and like the husband's friends like found out were like,
yo, dude,
like she's lying to you.
And he was like,
I don't think so.
And then dude,
when they tell him what,
what she did when he's in the police office.
Like he's sitting in the chair
and the cops like right there
like at his desk the detective
and he's like yeah
she like killed the lady and stole her baby
and like brought to the hospital.
He just goes,
should have listened to my friends, I guess.
That's fucking gray.
He's so he's like he's
so not surprised by what a psycho bitch she is.
He's like
damn.
God.
I guess my friends are right.
God, damn.
Also, just dating a fucking
psychopathic meat wagon
that just keeps getting fatter
going, yeah,
I'm pregnant with your baby.
Yeah.
And it's just hidden
because you're that big.
Dude,
and then all of a sudden
he was just like,
he already's mailed it in.
He's done with it.
He was like,
whatever,
but when you watch this documentary,
that guy rules.
Yeah.
Like he's a hardworking,
yeah, yeah.
Very with it.
It doesn't make sense.
He was just
tricked.
It was bamboozled.
It was one of those things where he was like
started dating this girl and then she was like
I'm rich. Like I'm about to inherit a lot
of money and I'm pregnant. He was like
nice. We're going to
keep working on the pigs.
I just keep
moving these pigs around.
Let me know when that money comes in
and baby comes. You know, like he's
just like working on.
And she kept being like, I'm rich.
Look, I'm rich. I'm going to buy you like a huge
estate. And he was like, nice.
I got to tend to these pigs.
I'll be with these pigs.
Let me know when that comes through.
And then his friends were like,
she's like lying to you, dude.
She's like a psycho bitch.
And he was like,
I'm just working on getting these pigs moved around.
And it literally gets to just,
she murders her friend and kills her pig.
What would they tell them about?
He goes,
well,
I'm going to get back to these pigs.
Dude,
that pig's going to jail.
I'm going to get back to my pigs.
You can just see him going.
Guess my friends are right.
And then like putting the hat back on, he's like,
I need anything for me?
You got a couple of pigs out in the lot.
I need moving.
All right, Laser.
Yeah, thanks for coming by, man.
Thank you so much.
Let's get your plugs in.
You got a special coming out.
Yeah, I got a special dropping tomorrow.
Let's go.
Gaslight Digital, 30 minutes with Uncle Laser.
and yeah, I'm a degenerate sports gambler,
so I just signed a contract with Underdog Sports
for the football season.
So honestly, just do the exact opposite that I do.
You can still win even when I lose.
You know what I'm saying?
promo code laser and drunk uncle's podcast.
You get a front row seat to the collapse or, I don't know, man.
You might get streaky.
It's swings, man.
It's fucking swings.
I was down like 1800 yesterday,
and then by the end of the fucking cheese cammell,
I was up 2700.
I can't live like that.
I'm glad it's.
I got to focus just one day of betting and leave the rest.
That's all I do.
One game.
Focus on one game.
Player prop and swings.
And God damn what's wrong with the Eagles?
What's wrong with the Eagles?
The Tennessee Titans damn are beating them, dude.
The 2 and O Eagles?
What's wrong with them?
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
But I mean, they're not supposed to play the Titans like that, dude.
Do we always play the Titans like that?
And we also play, it's a week two.
Everybody's figuring shit out.
Okay.
Also, it's another OC.
Jalen Hertz is Jason Campbell 2.0.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I had to say it.
I had to say that.
Jason Campbell.
You know Jason Campbell, Washington superstar Jason Campbell.
Oh, did he win a Super Bowl?
No, he did not.
Oh, was he to the Super Bowl twice?
I think he was in once.
Hold on.
Was he a Super Bowl of your pee?
I got to get back to these pigs.
Right.
So you need shut the fuck up and people need to shut the fuck up about Chailing Hurts.
He's a dog.
And what he did in the last two minutes of that game was fucking spectacular.
Devonte Smith is that guy.
Dog.
I got him on my fantasy team.
He's saving the dead.
Absolute dog.
But you see what...
I think Mikey Lemon's going to make a big impact, too.
For the Bengals, Jamar Chase.
Yeah.
Did you see his celebration?
Did you see his celebration when he made that touchdown?
He just goes...
I like it.
Just hang it out.
Just lay that dick on the table.
It is the best.
I like it.
I was like, all right.
Everyone's doing this shit.
And the duggy shit or the giddy or what?
Just lay that dick on the table.
They're doing that.
well everyone's trying to get as close to making a gun gesture as possible without actually making a gun gesture yeah
you gotta you gotta go like Chris calm down no it's just a loose
Josh cut back yeah Chris is being racist that's not racist everybody's doing the white guys are doing it
everybody's doing it well we went to the UT practice the kid got in trouble because he did one of these
oh shooting up skate yeah yeah it was just practice well that's what we were saying it's
You know, yeah.
Shooting clays.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm not chewed people.
Yeah.
Come on.
What the hell.
What the hell?
Sports.
Yeah.
All right, guys, thank you.
Head over to Stuff Island,
Patreon.
Patreon.
Patreon.com slash Stuff Island.
And check out, look at this.
Look at this.
Look at dish.
Ripping.
This week, we got, who we got?
MREs.
Oh, yeah.
MREs.
We're doing a military episode.
Joshua talks a meal ready to eat, correct?
Is it like ones from this decade or is it like old school ones?
Because I see the guy that does the old school ones.
And I'm like, I don't know if I'm eating that graham cracker.
I don't know if I'm going to eat that graham cracker from 61.
You know what I'm saying?
Dude's getting Korean War beans.
That's nuts.
No, this is a safe one.
Anyway, thank you so much.
We'll be in San Diego October 1st through the 3rd and then Nashville, October 8th.
Fuck yeah.
