Stuff Island - Uncle Lazer - Stuff Island #252

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

This week Uncle Lazer from Kill Tony joins Tommy and ChrisComedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. T...ommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO THE PATREON: PATREON.COM/STUFFISLAND Get 30% off sitewide with code STUFF athttps://brooklynbedding.comStuff Island fans get up to 30% off their entire order athttps://Undrdog.com #ad Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold you get the third FREE with promo code STUFFISLAND You will also receive an additional 10% OFF + Free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit https://www.BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Yeah, Doc Holliday. Yeah. He goes, you can call me what you call the founder of the feast. When they go to that, they go to that wedding and they like kill that, like, federalie guy, rape his wife. And then they're like sitting at the table and he's what you call the founder of the feast. And he's like, Johnny, what that, what that mess can say about a sick horse coming to get us? He goes, he's quoting the Bible, revelation. He says, behold, a pale white horse.
Starting point is 00:00:26 And he who sat on him was death and where he went, hell followed with him. One of the best quotes in, like, movies. Yeah, it's scary fucking, yeah. I like that. Anyways, Adderall's kicking in. How we did? Bro, I'm, a cup of Jill, a little Adderall. You lock eyes in here a fucking quote like that.
Starting point is 00:00:43 You go, oh, Jesus, question. You could start to a pod. Yeah. I got to get to the gym. That fucking bum me up, bro. That's a rocky speech. I got to rewatch Tombstone. I got to cut the sleeves off a sweatshirt and just cruise around town.
Starting point is 00:00:58 Actually comes like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tombstone is one of those movies that I feel like I have seen, but only in pieces like on TNT. Yeah. You know what I mean? Tombstone is you. Like in terms of what you need.
Starting point is 00:01:11 But that's what happens. I'm paging through and I go, I've seen Tombstone. And I don't think I have. But it's like it's overly dramatic. It's poetic. Yeah. Like very, this is, this is everything you are. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:22 In terms of, this is Val Kilmer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Poor Val. What's the one with the quick and the dead? Sometimes I get those mixed up. Oh, what that is.
Starting point is 00:01:34 I don't know what that is. Isn't that the one with Leonardo DiCaprio? He's a kid. What's eating Gilbert Gray? No, no. Dad's dead, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. Dad's dead. Dad's dead.
Starting point is 00:01:50 Dude, that Dad's dead. How young and talented he was. 14 in that? Yeah. He's like 14 or 15. He's like a kid still. Oh my God. And he didn't win a fucking Oscar for that. He went for the Reverend. Yeah. He been full re- He never go for a word.
Starting point is 00:02:11 It's true. He was fresh off of the, was it the Wonder Years? No, the Wonder Years. What the fuck is the other one? What's the fucking one of the family, but it's not even close to as good as the Wonder years. The Wonder Years is like from the 70s, 80s, stupid. Mixing them up. Is it about the Vietnam alcoholic father
Starting point is 00:02:32 that beat his family? Oh, no, no, the other one. No, it's the sweet religious family. The sweet religious family that loved each other. Yeah, play guitar. Growing bass. Yo, is this spring water?
Starting point is 00:02:45 This is the best water I've ever had. What is it? Triple distilled. Is it like, no, honestly. No, I could tell. You can tell. Don't taste like garden hives. I said we, but we have the same machine.
Starting point is 00:02:56 I don't live with Chris anymore. I was gone for a couple months when we were shooting tires, and then my cousin was living in my apartment, and she got this machine, and it spread, like, while everyone's got it now. I literally taste the difference in this water.
Starting point is 00:03:11 It's unbelievable. Like, I like, I would drink more water if it tastes like this. It's like a good vodka. It doesn't taste like fish are fucking in it. It tastes delicious. It's fucking nice.
Starting point is 00:03:19 Dude, I got to get you another cup of that. No, they're not to be. I'm going to look at that machine before I go. The purifier. It's unbelievable. And also,
Starting point is 00:03:27 then he, throw through a fourth distillation. A little straight, a quadrupled. He was putting it in the Britta, but I pulled it out. He puts it in the Brita. I pulled it out. I pulled it out. Oh, God. Yeah. It's overhandling. It's money.
Starting point is 00:03:38 It's too much. Yeah, he's flexing, dude. No, it was genuine stupidity. I, like, forgot you could just take the filter out, and I just wanted to fill that stuff up into the jug. Yeah. And so I just left the filter in, and it would take me forever to fill the fucking thing. Also, that filter's probably from, like, 2018. Easily.
Starting point is 00:03:56 Yeah. It's one of those things, too. I swear I bought. I think when I first got the Britta, I bought like just a sleeve of those filters. Yeah. Gone. No idea where they are. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:10 That's the whole. I got the high, I got one of the special ones that you don't have to replace very often. That's the whole gamut. I just got an electric toothbrush. And they said, that's big. When it changes color on the, on the bristles.
Starting point is 00:04:22 Yeah. Yeah. When it's no longer blue, you got to exchange it. And I was like, it's been. three weeks? The color's running out. I don't get the fuck out of the way to get it. Well, I believe when I brush my teeth,
Starting point is 00:04:34 I got the ginger vitis. So my shit's, after the first use, it's already like a tingeniavitis? I believe so. Self-diagnosed, but my shit bleeds. Yeah, exactly. You're getting the listerine going? Yeah, but even that makes it bleed.
Starting point is 00:04:46 So I just quit brushing my teeth there for a minute. You don't have bad breath, though. Now it's like kind of, it's strange. I'd let you know. No, I let people know all the time. I'm like, hey, back the fuck up. You know, like, the bad breath. You should be able to smell.
Starting point is 00:04:57 that you know what I'm saying yeah and if I smell it I'm done with you yeah me too I cannot be friends with someone with bad breath no and I think I don't think I've ever said this on there but like you know like you're laying in bed and like you got morning breath and shit like that of course yeah like there for a minute like you know I'll roll over and have like morning sex and like I'll spin on my hand you know because you know the more nobody's really wet you know what I stink and then I like would think it was their pH it come turn out just my fucking breath I didn't do it so I've been not talking to women because I'm You stinky bitch.
Starting point is 00:05:28 Turns out it's just me, halitosis. Oh my. Halimutosis. That's so gross. I'll be down. So gross. So bad. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:35 Sometimes you got to start, like, if you're in a deep situation like that, you triple blast with the listerine, just fucking every, every couple hours, two, three hours. Yeah? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:46 Get the biggest bottle of listerine. The most powerful version and you just blast the shit out. And you do the water pick? I heard that's really good for you. Waterpick. The water pick. The water pick. The hot.
Starting point is 00:05:56 Good one's hard to find. Yeah The water pick is good I don't know what You don't have the water But I slept with a girl And I just discovered the water pick Right
Starting point is 00:06:09 So I was like big on the water pick In the shower And I'd run this fucking thing Through my dice In the shower And I was actually a great move Because you can fill it up It's endless flow
Starting point is 00:06:19 Inlet So you only need a Britta for that That's endless flow Brother I had Just pop in that point Yeah Just leave the top off, baby.
Starting point is 00:06:29 Fetter to the brim. You don't care where it goes. You're protected. You just hook it up to the shower head nozzle. It's a fucking hodes of water. You know how they have like the hold, like the hose? That just went to a fucking water pick. It's a detachable.
Starting point is 00:06:52 It's a setting. Set it to water pick. So I was in this water pick era. where I was like, yo, this is the greatest fucking thing I've ever felt. This is great. Everybody should know about this. I slept with this girl. And she busted my ball so bad.
Starting point is 00:07:10 She called me pop pop pop. It is a pop-pop thing. Well, she was a little bit younger, but she was like 25, 26. How are you at the time? It was probably like eight years or six or seven years ago. It was probably like 40. Okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:24 And she was like 25. And then like she would make. fun of me. She was very funny. And make fun of me. And then I was like, you got to try this water pick. Dude. I was like, this girl has to know about this. This is in
Starting point is 00:07:38 the day. Here's how embarrassing this kid. Hold on. Hold on. It gets worse. I promise it gets worse. I've never said this. Ever. Ever. I'll never forget this. It was a beautiful Irish girl. And I'm telling her about this water pick after she's destroying
Starting point is 00:07:54 me. Just calling me an old man. she goes, I can't I can't introduce you my friends because they think you're my fucking grandfather. Like she's just, just destroying me. Yeah. Somehow, you know,
Starting point is 00:08:09 brushing teeth, Listerine or something came up and go, you tried the water pick? And I get fucking deep on. Oh, no. I ordered her a water pick. I had her a delivery of a water pick.
Starting point is 00:08:24 I went right on Amazon. I'm like, this is the brand I love. I'm going to send you a water pick. Obviously, I'd never seen her since. It's like getting blued you to release. Comes in discrete packages. And it's so long after she fucked. She fucked me.
Starting point is 00:08:43 She's like, what is this? Just from me. Here's a water pick. It's like, no offense. Your teeth are nice. But I'm just, I'm, it's nice. Wait, so did she get the water pick? Yeah, she got the fucking water pick.
Starting point is 00:08:55 $100. Did she send? Did she respond? No. That broke up right after that shortly after that. No, no. It was a one night stand. She just bought a water pick for a one night stand?
Starting point is 00:09:06 I bought her a water pick on a one night stand. Oh, you're very. Boy, we're giving people different. Insane. We're giving each other different. I'm telling you. It's fucking insane. It's a nice gift.
Starting point is 00:09:17 It is a nice gift. That's a caring old man gift. Yeah. For a loved one or someone you're going to see more than a wife? You know, that's a big step. No, I am. certain that girl is out there somewhere still using the water pick. 100%.
Starting point is 00:09:31 And thinking to me. There's no way she tried the water pick and was like this bullshit. No. Yeah. It's magical. That's why you got to go. It was in all. If you go in the shower with a water pick.
Starting point is 00:09:43 Unlimited use. First of all. Unlimited use. You're correct. Unlimited power. Unlimited power. So there's ranges. Right.
Starting point is 00:09:52 Oh yeah. Yeah. You can drop it to like, I'm going to fuck my gun. up, yeah. But there's no, like, worry about the splash on the mirror. Where am I going to clean the shit up? You get out of it, dude. It's a hose and the dog.
Starting point is 00:10:05 But you need to find the right brand, dude. You need to find the right brand, dude. Because, like, Ori, I don't know, you need to get, like, a special, like, engineer to, like, take the governor off. Sometimes they don't. Really? Yeah, sometimes the water pick can't. It just doesn't have the juice. You got to go in there with a screwdriver and touch it a little bit past like you did on your go car.
Starting point is 00:10:25 Remember when you had your go car? and he fucking, you know what we used to do? You know what used to do? You'd take a T, the golf tea. Yeah, yeah. You snap it in half and there was a little gap. So you'd flip the seat up for the governor and you'd take the T and you'd like, you know,
Starting point is 00:10:42 block that little gap. Yep. Unlimited power. We're flying, man. We're going to space. I was probably like 35, but it fell to 18. No, dude. 35 in a golf cart?
Starting point is 00:10:54 35 in a golf cart, it's like 35. Flying. boat. Yeah, yeah. You're flying. Dude, jump on a line scooter. You forget,
Starting point is 00:11:00 like these boys fucking bounce. Dude, those things, my step sister took on her bachelor party took a fucking curve too sharp, fell on her face,
Starting point is 00:11:09 busted all her teeth out. They had to reschedule the wedding. She had to go out of Mexico and get a foot. With water pick be damned. She had no teeth to peak. Weird. I know.
Starting point is 00:11:16 You know what I'm saying? You don't need a water pick with dentures. No. They're all locked. Dude, the other thing about a shitty water pick is a shallow reservoir
Starting point is 00:11:26 for the water. Mm-hmm. You don't have enough water in the thing. Oh, and it starts spitting air? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What chain pet is as well? You know?
Starting point is 00:11:34 What? That's how you get a poppy seed out of your fucking dice. But, I don't know. I think the water pick is big. Yeah. Lime scooters also. Yeah, yeah. I can't do that.
Starting point is 00:11:43 That's, that can't do it. Yes. And everything bagel? Oh. With the cream cheese with the salmon? Baby. Mm.
Starting point is 00:11:54 I'll get a poppy seed. Everything. Everything. Everything. Cream cheese chive. Yep. You like to chive? That's right.
Starting point is 00:12:01 Chive cream cheese is pretty fucking good. Fucking sending. I mean, it's a very, yeah, I don't know. It's very East Coast order. I don't know if that's really your speed. Well, I'm starting to realize I'm allergic to bread, like gluten bread or whatever. And I hate saying that because that's fucking gay.
Starting point is 00:12:14 But, you know, like, I did a little lineage test, a little DNA test. It's real. And it's like what your ancestors used to eat or what your lineage, what you came from your main your diet. Yeah. Every time I eat bread, I just, I think I have, like,
Starting point is 00:12:26 Crones. So I don't even know if I've ever had a sourdough. Oh, me. That's the best bread. I'm not a big bread guy. That's the best bread. We're throwing all the... Yeah, you're like, shots.
Starting point is 00:12:38 They got shots. There's everything. There's popping sheets on it. You love it. Have you had rye? Have you tried to get proving on rye? Look, Jewish rye. Jewish rye bread.
Starting point is 00:12:50 A marble Jewish rye bread, get the fuck out of here. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Try the Jewish rye. Also, try sourdough. first because it's less on the belly. Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:00 It's very good for you. It's like a probiotic, right? Yeah, I sort of thought. Yeah. Yeah, it's very good for the belly. I'm kind of on. Yeah, I think gluten's doing something to me, but if I were to quit it,
Starting point is 00:13:09 I'd quite quit it. I wouldn't tell a soul. Yeah, because you just feel like, oh, I can't. Yeah. No, I totally feel that. I wouldn't tell. I totally feel that. Everybody believes it.
Starting point is 00:13:18 I would just go like, no, I'm not feeling a sandwich today. Yeah. I would just constantly being like, nah, I had pizza yesterday. I would be like, I would be like. Denying it. I'd be like, no, no, I'm still eating gluten. I buy bread, I buy bread and keep it in the house.
Starting point is 00:13:35 Just someone came over. Let it spoil. Yeah, let it go bed, feed the ants, then toss it. I don't want to be gay in front of my friends. Yeah, because it's weird going, yeah, I got a gluten allergy. That's weird. I'm going to a corn tortillas. Just going to a whole bakery and buying like $100 worth of bread just to toss it.
Starting point is 00:13:55 Just fear of not being gay. feeding to the ducks and shit later. Of course I love that. Leaking it out like Shawshank in a park. Little out of time. Little at a little at a time. A little crush of the bitch on the Marines. Oh, man.
Starting point is 00:14:15 Dude, I actually saw that movie the other day. I forgot I forget how good that movie is Shawshank. It's so good. I was with like a little 25-year-old like, hey, have you ever seen Shawshank? We sat there and watch it. It's like Andy Dupree. Yeah. God damn.
Starting point is 00:14:27 Andy Dufrein. DeFraim, that's what he is. Danny Dupree. Totally different movie. No, that guy's a white receiver. For the Titans. Half black, half white, obviously.
Starting point is 00:14:41 Andy Dupree. Yeah, that's one of those movies where because, you know, when you hear someone that you, like, you really like, they're, like, cynical takes. They're, like, angry takes about pop culture or whatever. And then they hate on that movie.
Starting point is 00:14:55 You're like, I don't want to fuck with you. It's not honest. It's not honest. That's not. That's like Google hunting. Goodwill hunting is a good water test for me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:03 Where I ask somebody if you like goodwill hunting. Yeah. And like how much do you love this movie? Yeah. That's a good water test. Yeah. Because then you go. Dude, I'll go as far as it is, Forrest Gump.
Starting point is 00:15:14 Oh, yeah. Of course. If you can't just admit to them. That you love eating chocolate. Sitting on that park bench. We make so much money here. I cut that grass for free. Josh?
Starting point is 00:15:25 Yeah. It was only two. Oh, you got to edit out in the... Yeah, we added out the nasty words. He hates when I say nasty words. It's just Josh on a... Yeah. It just puts...
Starting point is 00:15:44 Infinite beats... Yeah. With like the headphones and a metal detector. Having to search... Oh, my God. ...search for... In words. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:55 Because that whole The whole thing's got to be That's the mother load You can rip this We found a vein A vein Vane of The gold is rich
Starting point is 00:16:16 The giant ore of rain You never say in the magic vein Jocces is paying For the There's gold in that hills Oh man I'm sorry Hopefully we got that all that out
Starting point is 00:16:31 Yeah we got to get it out No it's gonna come back One junk Gonna come back Oh man Josh has been real mouthy lately No he has Yeah, last week he was real fucking mouthy
Starting point is 00:16:43 No Yeah, you don't know It's communication Is it? I was in the group chat I was in the group chat I respect In person's fucking nuts
Starting point is 00:16:56 Just Josh and I You get a little chippy Yeah yeah He was getting fucking He was He thought it would be the opposite Right? You have a friend here
Starting point is 00:17:05 You know Yeah yeah Like laser It's just Josh Josh was coming out Yeah Right out of the gate
Starting point is 00:17:15 Just fucking On my ass Really? You know Yeah You shut up in a sleep shirt What? I was wearing PJs
Starting point is 00:17:24 Oh like a gown Oh really? Like a nightgown Don't tell me that's back in style No no It was actually a crop top Dude those are back I've been buying
Starting point is 00:17:35 I've been buying Excel shirts now You can crop it myself. I'm like, why? Because I got so many Excel shirts and they look like
Starting point is 00:17:41 blankets. But I've been cropping the fuck out. I'm like, this is it. They're back. And now I'll crop above the belly button. I could,
Starting point is 00:17:46 really? A little middrift central. Yeah, yeah. I swear to God a few days ago, I cut three t-shirts. And I, I measure it. I put them on. Yeah, I need you.
Starting point is 00:17:54 And yeah, I'll take a line. I'll do a little fucking chop. Or a knife to a little pop. And then I cut them. Do you guys, you guys hit like an authentic waistline? I try to hide where my waist
Starting point is 00:18:06 is because I get a weird body. No, you don't. Dude, you would look great in a crop. You'd look great in a crop. A long torso is great for crop. That is great. That's a standard issue cropped up. 100% in my mind.
Starting point is 00:18:18 No scissors. And honestly, I wanted no scissors. I wouldn't even a little step further. And I bought me one of them goddamn shearing things. You get in one swoop like a pizza cutter, but for like cloth. Unbelievable. I love it. Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 00:18:31 I'm getting heavy into it. I got to get a shear. I got to get off drugs and shit. So I started to start doing other stuff. Like how? Just a feature roll. Yeah. It's like that.
Starting point is 00:18:41 And they got angles and measured. Damn. I know how to sew it shit too. My mom taught me how to sew when I was little. So I got sew on a sewing machine. I can do all kind of shit with it. Dude, that was the number one thing. Anytime I was at school and you go into like the office.
Starting point is 00:18:56 And they had that big. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man, I wanted to bring that home so bad. Yeah. I was wanted to put somebody's hand in it. I was going to say, if you don't get violent,
Starting point is 00:19:05 if you don't get violent in your head, watching that, I would judge you. Yeah. If you don't think, who could I fucking, who could I slice? Oh, she didn't like the water pick? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:17 Well, it was also like it. It was shaped. Pop-pop. Head off. Dude. Great life. It was shaped like a fucking samurai sword. It was.
Starting point is 00:19:28 It was like that big curved one. One of those Muslim swords. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. For religion or whatever. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:35 Yeah. For religion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man, I, yeah, I think it's crazy that they had that. They should have made it less appealing to rip off and hit people with.
Starting point is 00:19:45 It looked very accessible. Yeah. Yeah. It did. It was just a machine gun that you fucking sprayed bullets down it. How sad it is I'm going to look up fucking shears. I'm going to look up shears. I'm going to get another water pick.
Starting point is 00:20:00 I haven't had a water pick in a while. Yeah. It's been a while. Sadie got a water pick maybe two years ago. And I was like, yeah, God. And I used it and I was like... You've been Dyson. Dude.
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Starting point is 00:20:43 Take a little quiz. That's what I did. Yeah, yeah. They found out you were not an athlete, but you were overheating. I put it in some text notes. I was just to let them know. I used to be. Yeah.
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Starting point is 00:23:01 It's a... I don't know if no one ever taught me how to floss properly. But I always like do it and it feels like it's gonna get fucking stuck in there and I get worrisome about it. Yeah. Then I yank it out and I feel like I'm done doing this.
Starting point is 00:23:16 I don't like this. It's uncomfortable. Also it doesn't look like it but I have like dog dice where like it cuts it immediately. Really? I tried those picks where it has like the tiny little strain. As soon as I ripped through one of my dice
Starting point is 00:23:28 sharp edges. It's fucking dead. And the amount of money, you get a water pick to go it's a vibrator. It's a vibrator. It's a vibrator for your fucking your gums and your mouth to just clear everything.
Starting point is 00:23:42 It was like the first time using a power washer. Yeah. That was the... And you see that before and after, and that gives you clarity. Like, oh, brother. Oh, I've been in this. I've been in this guy.
Starting point is 00:23:53 There's a guy on fucking Instagram. Cuts lawns for free. Oh, yeah. Oh. You see this guy? Yeah. And he's got some people, door.
Starting point is 00:23:59 He goes, and the before and after. Get the hell out of here, man. What the fuck you're doing here? Yeah, dude. He goes to that. What you'd be doing his? And he's like, I just want to cut your lawn looks unruly.
Starting point is 00:24:08 and I would just like to cut your lawn for free. No charge. And they're like, I, I, and they go back inside for a bit. And it takes four hours. And I just watch this dude. Yeah. Run the whole fucking lawn and then edge. Edge.
Starting point is 00:24:24 And then he hits in between the sidewalks with the thing. He scrapes it up. He just levels it out. It's like Picasso. Dude, he's painting. And they've learned how to fuck with you. Picasso. Clip-wise.
Starting point is 00:24:35 Yeah. Because you'll see a clip and he'll start fixing it and then the clip will end yeah and then you click on to his channel to go where's I need to see this get finished yeah and it's a sea of clips about other yards and you're like yes you can't be where it's the end yeah canceled but I we're not going out tonight babe I know I gotta find
Starting point is 00:24:57 what I just found his page it's great and it's cool because like the blacks they yell at him you know when he knocks on the door yeah and then they're like for free yeah you know and it looks it's incredible. Yeah. I mean, in fairness to the blacks,
Starting point is 00:25:11 I would also be like, get the fuck off my out of here, weird of you. Yeah, yeah, can I cut your yard for free?
Starting point is 00:25:17 No. I don't know what you're up to. What's the catch? Yeah. I don't know what's going on, but I don't know if you get some type of property rights once you got to go on.
Starting point is 00:25:27 Yeah. Oh, you live here now. Yeah. You live here now? Yeah. What's the catch? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:32 Also, I made it okay with 36 inch, 36 inch grass. I've done violent. I don't mean you coming in here. Yeah, yeah. And changing the length of my grave.
Starting point is 00:25:44 There's one where he runs over a cat, though. It was like a dead cat. No, I made that up. That'd be pretty sick, though. That's almost more shocking that he hasn't. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah. Dude, I-
Starting point is 00:25:54 Josh edits that out. I landscape for... If Josh was his editor, he would edit it out. I'd landscape for like four years in high school. And, like, eighth grade to all through high school. And we'd, uh, landscape our... local grade school graveyard. So I went at this
Starting point is 00:26:12 place called St. Charles Bermayo and we'd do the graveyard and it was like the undulation and the ground was fucking nuts but every now and then you'd hit like a dead bird a dead squirrel, a dead pigeon it would go and
Starting point is 00:26:25 but it would be like I was at war like this smell of death when you smell a decaying Behold a pale wine horse and everywhere he went was death or whatever I felt like I said
Starting point is 00:26:45 Tommy on a John beer You're just all full rate His turges, poor cry Oh God, I love it I'm just having me old Seven Miller lights at a VFW after that I hate a raccoon today, boys Wasn't pretty
Starting point is 00:27:03 You wouldn't understand But the stink The stench It's unbelievable It's like lightning a match after taking a shit. Like killing a bird? Oh, when they just... Yeah, you run over a dead something.
Starting point is 00:27:14 Oh, yeah. In a graveyard. Decaying, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's such a sad, weird, wonderful experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like navigating that... The terrain, yeah. And then looking at, like, you know, tombstones going, like, respect this.
Starting point is 00:27:31 This is... You got to, you know, clean up for these dead people. Yeah. I know. It's a weird juxtaposition. of going like I'm going to make sure their shit's tidy but then you're running over fucking
Starting point is 00:27:43 you know 40 bottles and fucking dead pigeons and this is absolute hell I have a tough time in a graveyard because part of me goes are they really down there you know what I mean? Yeah and then yeah and then you'll be walking around and going are they really
Starting point is 00:27:59 down there and then you'll see the tombstone that has multiple people I feel like shared them yeah yeah stack them well they're poor like bunk beds but you can't do a math I saw a video where in Africa, there's like a little city in Africa,
Starting point is 00:28:15 they barrel a hole from the width of the shoulders straight down. Instead of doing six feet down and wide. They do it narrow and... Right? Like a fucking straw.
Starting point is 00:28:28 It's Africa's Steve Jobs. Yeah. Ain't that like for the tree? The turtle neck ties it all Oh shit But these The family members Had to grab
Starting point is 00:28:52 Hold on The family members had to grab This old lady And then like Just like Her legs Finagle her in Oh yeah dude
Starting point is 00:29:02 She's dead Yeah She's fucking dead They gotta like Move around Try to take a cat to the bed Yeah, put it in water Constantly won't go down the hole
Starting point is 00:29:12 Yeah Just I don't tire Ropes around her She did go meow But it doesn't make sense I mean It's for like them turning into trees right Because like the body decomposes
Starting point is 00:29:24 It goes back to the salt and earth And then it becomes a tree Because they can You can do that now You get cremated to like a tree pod Or some shit like that Yeah it's kind of cool I don't know
Starting point is 00:29:32 Right just put me I don't mind that I don't be regular Just put me Burn me Yeah like just you know snort my ashes or something. Get the fuck rid of me.
Starting point is 00:29:39 Yeah. 100%. That's the conversation I'm having right now with my parents. About what they're going to do? She, because my father's like, was never religious. My father never went to church.
Starting point is 00:29:51 Yeah. Ever. Unless it was like a funeral or a wedding. The only time my father ever entered a church. My mother. Religiously? Very religious. She was a Eucharistic minister,
Starting point is 00:30:04 heavy Catholic. So we went every Sunday. it got to the point growing up where like in order to avoid church I would say I'm going to the 11 o'clock and she would make me bring home the pamphlet that says like 11 o'clock here's
Starting point is 00:30:19 sermon this is all the things she'd go get the pamphlet so then I started like one of my buddies would go to the actual mass I'm like yo can you grab me a pamphlet give me an extra pamphlet and I would hide under my deck
Starting point is 00:30:34 the back deck for 45 minutes to an hour. I would just sit there. I would just sit there. Under the deck. I would rather sit under a deck than go all the way to church and grab a pamphlet and then go fuck off.
Starting point is 00:30:51 Because what I could have done, which I eventually learned, it's going to walk in, grab a pamphlet, fuck off. I just, I like the idea that there was some like enterprising young kid in your town. Selling these things?
Starting point is 00:31:05 I got 430. You got 4.30? Sunday Mass 11. I got, yeah. It's like trading cards. I got noon. I got midnight. I got midnight.
Starting point is 00:31:17 Oh, that's so good. That's going to be an upcharge. It's Christmas Day. That's so good. Yeah. Just keep making a killing. I don't know. He just goes to church all day.
Starting point is 00:31:32 Well, I got scared because they hired like a mentally challenge guy to hand out lollipops and he would just sit there with like a tin of cookies like an old tin of cookies with that cookies fox garden the head now
Starting point is 00:31:47 bro 100% no say the quote I literally was about to I literally was like be old yeah we're putting you on lollipops to me back
Starting point is 00:32:04 I don't want me funny business you know dude this guy this dude would greet you with what's that's a German cookie brand
Starting point is 00:32:23 it's got a blue box like a royal blue tin it's called like Binkster something something like that it's like a very popular
Starting point is 00:32:31 Christmas cookie tin just say cookie tin no it's a one in a yeah it's a little circle tin
Starting point is 00:32:38 and it comes with the Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. God, it's delicious. It's an assortment. I don't I think what it's called. Yes.
Starting point is 00:32:45 So you'd be greeted by this fucking mentally deranged guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had a tongue like a chihuahua that was like on year 15. Oh, like just hanging out. Out and about. Yeah, yeah. And he would just start licking his lips and he's holding an empty cookie tin with fucking lollipops. And he was like, well, lollipop.
Starting point is 00:33:04 And I'm like, this is your entrance as a child. And I'm like, I'm scared. Yeah. Yeah. And then someone will berate you going, you're a piece of shit. You don't deserve heaven. And then I look at my fucking mom,
Starting point is 00:33:18 and she's like, sit up straight and like, it's hell. Yeah. The whole hour and a half is fucking hell. Yeah. From the pew. From the jump, dude. From the jump, dude.
Starting point is 00:33:31 Oh, he would come out with the basket. For tithes. For communion or whatever. Yeah. No, no. The basket is. He's got a lot of responsibility. Yeah, they really
Starting point is 00:33:40 Take advantage He doesn't know what his responsibility is His responsibility is His responsibility is putting his tongue back In his fucking mouth Can't even do that? He's on cookie duty at the front door And he's got to pick up a
Starting point is 00:33:52 A basket It's a 10 foot basket I know That he has to go down the fucking What is that? It's for all money So he has communion Or not community
Starting point is 00:34:01 Yeah yeah okay But he don't he don't That's not where you hand out The bread and the wine stuff And they didn't let it be that yet Yeah yeah That was No, you get lying for that.
Starting point is 00:34:09 Dude, these guys, in my church, these guys were nice with the basket. It was like, it was like gondola. Gondola's in Venice. You know what it is? It's Connecticut. They're all lacrosse flying. They're all great lacrosse fly.
Starting point is 00:34:23 They probably turn it. Just Indian pick up your money. They're spinning it to grab your pen. Hey, don't twiddle. Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to put the tent in there. Yeah. Bottom hand down, just scooping through.
Starting point is 00:34:37 But, dude, but like how you said it, like, you know, like the handicapped challenge kid at the front, it does scary as a kid. Because, like, I remember distinctly taking swimming lessons when I was six and I had to be next to a little challenge boy. Yeah. And he would come up and spit water on me every fucking day in my face. Yeah. And finally, I busted him in the fucking nose and I couldn't do swim lessons no more. But that, I don't get no special treatment.
Starting point is 00:34:59 You can't just fucking spit water on somebody in the face like that. Yeah. But then, like, oh, you can't hit the room, you know, you can't do that. Also, as a kid. It scares you, though. It's like, because you don't know how to handle that. Yeah. Because like you're socially adapt.
Starting point is 00:35:10 Like, you know, why does his tongue do that? And you're kind of the same age so you don't know that he's a little off. You know, and your, my dad's like, the boy is slow. Yeah. You know, like, I'm like, I don't know what that is. He's spitting water on me. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:35:24 Yeah. So I get it with the lollipops. Yeah. I mean, you are treating him like an equal. See, I thought it was fair. It is. But now you do that shit now. You're going to like court.
Starting point is 00:35:31 You're going to go to like jail and shit. Yeah. Yeah, it was progressive. I miss him. Yeah, it is, it is scary. Spitting a lot. Look, because it's like,
Starting point is 00:35:42 No, I got to spit on it. You got to draw a lot. I know, but I mean, someone's got to interfere. You know what I mean? You can't.
Starting point is 00:35:55 You man to me? Look, I get, you know, I get that you can't spit on him. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's not the same. Same. But him spitting on you, I mean, how many times is that going to happen before? He kept doing it over and over, and I kept telling him to stop.
Starting point is 00:36:09 Is it pool water in his sport? He come up from like, we don't you hold the breath, they got a couch 20, he come up, and he'd come up, you spit the water on my face. And I'm like, but as a kid, like, I know something's wrong with him, you know, but I'm like, when I'm like, I can't just deck him. But then I'm like, enough's enough. He gets pushed up against a wall and put a dog in a corner. He'll buy a r-and-old.
Starting point is 00:36:28 Did you build up to a punch? Sorry. Sorry, my bad. Yeah. Because I do the Da Vinci. You can just type in the word and it shows it everywhere, right? Or is that not work like that? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:39 Okay. All right. What's a typing thing? I used to edit as well. I don't look like it, but I do. I believe it. DaVinci is a typing thing? It was a DaVinci Resolve?
Starting point is 00:36:49 The Divinci Resolve? You can type in keywords and it just like shows it everywhere in the thing. That's pretty nice. I had to learn how to edit out of spite because my editor fucked me. So I like, I had a crash course for like two hours with one of my roommates who like, he like does that shit. and I'm like, just give me this course. Like, just teach me so I don't have to rely on nobody.
Starting point is 00:37:06 Dude. I'll be damned there. I'll spit on my face. I'll be damned. Yeah. You hear me? Did you build up to a punch? Did you hit him with a big splash?
Starting point is 00:37:20 Yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, at one point, yeah. You just, you just, one of the caboos. Yeah, you got it. You give him a caboose? Just to let him know what he's. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:35 You gotta just show him. You gotta give him to come up. You gotta hold this. You can do this. Easy way or the hard way. I'll give you a little taste of the hard way before you. Just hold him under. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:47 You can boom him, yeah. A couple steps back. Yeah. It's like a dog being too confident. You gotta. You gotta check them. You got to check them at the door like a coat, man. Dude, my talk.
Starting point is 00:38:02 My dog has an ear infection right now where we have this this solution that we have to squirt directly into the canal. So she's been like flipping her giant ears and then doing a lot of this and we're like, oh, I took a look in. It's got a little bit of something.
Starting point is 00:38:22 Sure. And this happened like a year or so ago. And we have the solution and it like drives it in. And then she just went. Yeah. She did one of those in my eyes, like just solution all over my fucking face. Places a fucking mess. But you got to get it in there.
Starting point is 00:38:39 So I'm like trying to get it in her ear. Massage it in. And then we take her to the dog park this morning. Like 9 o'clock, 930. She fights immediately. Really? Dude. She's at the gate.
Starting point is 00:38:52 So there's two gates. One swings this way. The other swings that way. And you've got to take the harness off in between the gate. It's like a prison. Yeah. Where they lock you in. Door closes, you know, take the cuffs off.
Starting point is 00:39:04 Now you can get in there. Same thing with a dog. And I take her off. And this one dog was a motherfucker. And it was mayhem. Just immediate mayhem. And it's early. It's nine in the morning.
Starting point is 00:39:18 It's probably 9.30. Yeah. 9.30 in the morning. And she's going after this fucking dog. It's because of her ear affection. Right. She's agitated. She's on me.
Starting point is 00:39:26 She's agitated. Someone's going to get it. Someone's going to fucking get it. And I, I was the one that got Because the whole time I'm Running around Like a toddler shit in its pants
Starting point is 00:39:37 He's gonna get out there Hey hey Hey baby Come on come come Oh yeah You know I'm on fucking I'm on dog duty
Starting point is 00:39:44 A dog duty Did you fuck the other dog up? Yeah Yeah How what kind of dog She's a pit bull mix Okay Yeah
Starting point is 00:39:52 So yeah She's very sweet Josh knows Josh to attest She's a very sweet dog What's a win What's a win In a dog park
Starting point is 00:40:00 scuffle. You get on top? I think they do like a jumping way. The win is respecting your boundaries, barking not to be bullied. And then everybody makes up. Stay in your ground. Okay. Yeah. And finally this episode is brought to you by Blue Chew.
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Starting point is 00:42:12 It's like I ain't going to be, I'm not that bitch. I'm going to show you. So she has a hard time with this because she thinks my dog's out of control. And I'm like, no, she's fucking staying around. Yeah. She's just going, I ain't going to be a fucking pussy. You're saying that the other lady has a hard time with this. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:29 Yeah. Yeah. The other lady and her dog. Yeah. It's always an awkward interaction. Be like, oh, sorry for my dog fucking your dog up. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:42:37 It's very hard, done. You know? It's also weird going like, hey, there's special hours for little bitch dogs. Yeah. Have you read the happy hour? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Six to seven. It's like adult swim.
Starting point is 00:42:56 Yeah. Your dog's a pussy. You come between seven and eight. Dude, I couldn't trouble you for some more of that delicious filtered water. I can't stop thinking about it. Is that all right? That's good stuff. It's been beeping at me.
Starting point is 00:43:15 Is that got alcohol in it? Is that actual, or do you mix those? Is that alcohol in that or no? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, a vodka mule. How about, damn.
Starting point is 00:43:25 Cut waters. You ever had to cut water? ain't that what you got all Sideways on in St. Pete was the Cutwaters Someone got like I was like You know you're supposed to be mixing that right not just drinking that fully What's he doing? What do you mean?
Starting point is 00:43:39 What do you mean? Because I was sold for $1,000 Somebody was going to show up Hit more home runs with me and somebody just didn't even fucking show up Can we get to that? Huh? 100% Yeah
Starting point is 00:43:54 But there's a home run dirt? Also it wasn't cut waters I wish it was Okay At one point I looked at you and I go, there's no way in hell you're getting up. Yeah. That was the St. Pete night.
Starting point is 00:44:05 Incredible stuff. San Pete. Yeah. You guys, there was a softball game? Softball derby? We had a home run derby. I couldn't move my fucking arm.
Starting point is 00:44:14 Oh, yeah. The injury was like this is, it still hurts, but like I got a contusion. Yeah. Oh, really? What from falling or what? I hit my head and then fell on my shoulder.
Starting point is 00:44:22 Yeah. Like I couldn't raise my arm above here for like two weeks. that night mobility yeah because I think I remember you doing it if I'm not apparently I do remember you it's a it's a big story it's a big story we try not to talk
Starting point is 00:44:39 about laser well no it's just it came out on the injury report that morning yeah yeah I look Tom's up Willard with the shoulder injury I didn't think he even had a shoulder problem
Starting point is 00:44:51 I'll just say it's a hamstring I'll be a yelling everybody. Well, you know, I just never seen... Sorry. Did you win the home run derby? 40. My team did, yes.
Starting point is 00:45:04 But it was kind of stupid because, like, you know, and it's like, it was kind of last minute. They gave us some kind of shit, $50 cheap, wouldn't bat. I saw the replays. And then they gave us those balls that are like BP balls. So like when you hit them, they're soft. They're meant to like... Dude, I mean, I've hit one as pure as I can hit one.
Starting point is 00:45:23 I saw it. I saw it. Over third base. I saw it. You know what I'm saying? Like I turned on it, cracked it, went over third base. That was it. I go, we're not hitting any of these out.
Starting point is 00:45:31 This is a line drive derby is what this is. We're the ground road, the ground road double derby. Yeah, they're 100% right. Yeah. No, you're 100% right. If they're not hardwired cork. Yeah, there's no pop. There's no pop.
Starting point is 00:45:43 Especially with that bat. I mean, like, I'm like, you might as well just give us wiffle balls at that point. Yeah. I know. You need to get the one, that is any, any comedy sports event, it's like, they always have some. Jesus Christ. What?
Starting point is 00:45:55 It's just funny. It was that triggering comedy sports? Any comedy sports event. Yeah. Should trigger you. What a cringe collection of words. No, but they don't. They never get the details right.
Starting point is 00:46:08 They never get the details right. It's almost a bunch of fat bedbugs trying to play sports. It feels like, well, it also sometimes it feels intentional. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. They're just like, let's, maybe they do know what they're doing is what I'm saying. Like, it's like, let's get all the products that are going to make any,
Starting point is 00:46:25 comedian who thinks he's a jock feel like an absolute piece of shit. Yes, yes, yes, yeah. Together. No, I thought, I thought beach balls were baseballs. You're like,
Starting point is 00:46:35 come on, man. Who wants to play volleyball with a balloon? Oh, that's good. That's so good. Gilly. No, I saw you rip one. I was like, oh, that's fucking, that's got to be gone.
Starting point is 00:46:51 Because, you know when you swing and you hit a fucking, you know, it's like, you know, it's better coming. Yeah. It's just smooth and pure. Yeah. And I look up and it goes right past third base.
Starting point is 00:46:59 And I go, all right. Thanks for having us. Let's stop all this. 150 degrees with the humidity out there. We're just hitting ground balls. Thanks for having me. You know what I'm saying? It's the worst.
Starting point is 00:47:10 It's the worst. It's the worst. It's like a potato. And it's morphed. Yeah. It's like a baby head when it comes out. You know, they got to like pat it together. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:47:19 Sourdough. You know, I'm talking about. You got pat it back together. It's like rolling over. Yeah. Stop up the kids. sleep on its back. You know any friends that have a flat back head?
Starting point is 00:47:29 Hmm. No. You've never met a do with you said. That's a straight flat back. Spitting on me at the pool. No one rolled you over. No one paid attention enough for you to fucking roll over. Or you're that insane as a child?
Starting point is 00:47:44 They kept the shake. She just never move. You know, like vampire sleepers? Yeah. No, some kids find a, some kids find a pocket, dude, and they just... That's crazy. I'm telling you. That's why you see the kids with a little shake.
Starting point is 00:47:55 papers. Yeah, some of those kids find a pocket and guess what else? The rest of their life they're holding a fucking tin of Christmas cookies. Filled with lollipop. It ain't got no gase in.
Starting point is 00:48:08 It ain't got no gasey. I got nothing but love. I got I got nothing but love for my misshaping head brothers out there. It's crazy. You're just lucky if it's the backside because you can grow hair.
Starting point is 00:48:25 Oh, it sucks. You get, if you're a forehead sleeper, seeing a flat back. Dude, you can get a whole, you can get just one flat side if you're not careful. Yeah, I've talked about this many times.
Starting point is 00:48:36 But as a parent, you've got to roll the kid over so many times to keep him from doing that. Is that real thing? For real, you got to like kind of... Yeah, dude. Because babies will go like,
Starting point is 00:48:45 I like a position and you're like that, you can't sleep like that. You know what I mean? What about... The skull is forming. Yeah, but like, but I didn't,
Starting point is 00:48:53 and I don't know this to be a fact that I'm asking, but like when they come out like ain't it like a doctor kind of has to like morph the head like it'll come out elongated am i am i am i was not a lot to about that yeah yeah because the skull is all soft and it's got it literally has a zone where they can it can cave in well it's up top that's up top oh the crown yeah what about no the whole you have seams in your skull you know like when you see like a skull there's like a there's like seams in it yeah it's because when you're a baby it's not it's intentionally not fused so you can slip through the birth canal.
Starting point is 00:49:26 Really? Yeah, your brain is, the human brain is so big, and it's obviously, like, the best thing we got going, that you, they couldn't make a hard skull and get it through a woman's pussy. Yeah. No, no, I guess that. I try to put a bowling ball in there one time. I get it. I get it.
Starting point is 00:49:43 But have you ever heard the courtesy stitch? Are your boys familiar with this? Yeah, yeah. He's had a real thing. That's a real thing. The what? You can ask the doc, be like, yeah, I need a little husband. and stitch because that thing comes out, you know, like
Starting point is 00:49:54 a month's lap and you got to like, you got center it back to center, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. I mean. So they like hit it with a staple gun. I swear to God. If you're a real piece of shit, you get everything done during that whole process. In what regard? What do you mean? Lipo, change your pussy, get her new tips.
Starting point is 00:50:14 Yeah, just get a whole new woman. Just you got a whole new woman coming. I mean, yeah. Incredible stuff. This is. We're having job. Hold on. Boys. wouldn't it be nuts if men gave birth and it made
Starting point is 00:50:26 your dick huge oh my god just like they just come out with a perfect deer cock yeah it was just gigantic yeah and you got it like a month off no you gotta have kids man he slept I'd have a kid every fucking three months
Starting point is 00:50:38 just a root yeah and the doctor's job was to like bring it back to its original size and be like come on man you don't yeah come on just leave it just a root
Starting point is 00:50:48 what he that would be hysterical but I don't know Now if you, I don't know if the, I don't know if, now I don't know if the courtesy stitch is a real thing. No, it's a definitely real thing. Also, they rip their assholes. Yeah, you get the, yeah. They get their butt holes stitched up too.
Starting point is 00:51:04 Puss is stitched very fricking. Because I had sex your winter course with a lady at like about three weeks after she gave birth. Holy Christmas. In Mississippi, I met her at a Woffhouse Sorgod and I fucked her on a tennis park bench. And it was very, like putting your dick in a coffee can. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:51:21 Like, you could feel. You could feel the mesh lining from the stuff. But I'm just like... You fucked a girl. Three weeks after birth. On a park bench that you met in... In Hattieburg, Mississippi. At a Waffle House.
Starting point is 00:51:38 Yeah. We were talking on Tinder, and we met at a Woff House just by chance later that night after the Green Mallard. Oh, I don't know if you could call it by chance. Oh, you... I didn't tell her I was going there. She just happened to be there at the same time.
Starting point is 00:51:49 And we had matched on Tinder about two hours before. There's like three places you can possibly be. Yeah, it's the one place open, you know. Just so happened. You got a Billy Barnum's bar or fucking Waffle House? And my sister was like, you can't sleep with this girl in this house. And I go, so I walked out to the tennis court part. That's why I got the elbow thing and blew the brakes off of it.
Starting point is 00:52:11 But it was like, but at the stitching, you could feel it, like the mesh lining, the webbing in from the, I don't know how it works. Yeah. You know. But you can feel it. It's got to take time to come back. It doesn't feel like a normal thing. you know that's why I asked you probably get like someone
Starting point is 00:52:24 hit that with a stapler or something you know what I'm saying like put that back in the center get some stem cells in there not don't do that how not you but like don't do they what have sex on a park bench it's three weeks out of giving birth I don't know she hadn't fucking a long time maybe she didn't fuck for nine full months
Starting point is 00:52:41 I like this Chris and she was just like the baby's head doesn't fuse so you can push it out through the vaginal canal I learned that not only 20 minutes ago well her baby had a solid Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hundred percent. A couple weeks later.
Starting point is 00:52:54 That's a 14-pound ball and ball. That kid was in second grade before you delivered. That's a full grown eight-year-old that came out of you. All split up. Let's have that little waffle house. Get fucking raked on a fucking park bench.
Starting point is 00:53:10 That's an impressive piece of work, though. Yeah. Birth? No, the fucking other... Oh, I'll do what you just did. Giving birth is the most impressive thing you can ever do as a person.
Starting point is 00:53:21 That's not what I said. Women. I said fucking on the bench. Yeah. Is impressive. Oh. You know, she's just, she just gave births.
Starting point is 00:53:29 She's got a kid at home. She's at Waffle House. Is that a kid? Yeah, a kid wasn't there. Died? Birth? Didn't ask. Don't think she had custody.
Starting point is 00:53:39 Don't know. But it's not, none of my business. But the remnants of what it had been, it had come through there. I know that for sure. Sideways. But I don't know where it ended up.
Starting point is 00:53:49 is what I'm trying to tell you. Holy shit. Horizontal bird is Oh, God. You come out on your side. Who wants lasagna? That's so funny. Who wants a meat lasagna?
Starting point is 00:54:04 I don't know what happened. Something had come through there. This little baby giraffe. Oh, goodness. I'm sorry. Just like LaForre's. Yeah. Yes, this woman's giving birth.
Starting point is 00:54:21 something was in there you know that was the nuts traeasiest part did you see that murder doc where the lady the lady kills her friend and cuts her baby out yeah that's diabolical she tries to say it's her baby
Starting point is 00:54:36 and that she just gave birth and like what she pretended to be pregnant for months yeah with her husband just got fat and pretended to be pregnant
Starting point is 00:54:47 then murders her friend and cuts the baby out to kill her husband keep her lie up. Yeah. And then brings, and then is like on the road trying to drive to a hospital
Starting point is 00:54:58 and the cops like pull her over. And she's like, I need to get to a hospital right now. I just gave birth. And then the doctor, the doctor, like she goes to the hospital and the doctor's like,
Starting point is 00:55:10 can't look at your pussy. Because you don't seem like you just gave birth. And she was like, why I don't know, why would you even need to do that? He's like, can I just say it? Let me see it.
Starting point is 00:55:20 When do you see what came through there? Yeah, yeah. And then he... Just give me a pee. Yeah. It's literally like, it's North Texas. Is this for real thing? This is a real thing?
Starting point is 00:55:32 You can watch this? Yeah, yeah. And the doctor, the doctor comes out and he does, I mean, classic doctor thing where he's like ripping his gloves. I was like, ain't no baby comes here. Oh, fuck. It's nuts. It's crazy.
Starting point is 00:55:48 What do? They take her to jail then right there? Half Shirley, right? Like, that's why? Yeah. Dude. Yeah. She was in the hospital pretending she gave birth.
Starting point is 00:55:57 But she killed the woman with the baby. Was she the woman about to have the baby? Yes. In the second trimester, she cut it out. No. Okay. So she's there. This baby was ready to go.
Starting point is 00:56:07 Okay. It was about to pop. Yeah. Wow, what a piece of shit. Yes. Massive piece of shit. And it's so funny. Predetermined.
Starting point is 00:56:14 This woman, like, thought about this whole process. I'm going to lie about this whole thing. And then I'm going to murder this woman. Cut her fucking baby out. Yeah. This is my child. And then a doctor look at her pose. Dude.
Starting point is 00:56:27 And she had, she's like, nothing came through this tunnel, dude. Dude, and she had had, she had like a hysteria. No fucking,
Starting point is 00:56:36 she had a hysterectomy like years before. There was no way she could have baby. No chance she could have child. And like, and like the husband's friends like found out were like, yo, dude, like she's lying to you.
Starting point is 00:56:47 And he was like, I don't think so. And then dude, when they tell him what, what she did when he's in the police office. Like he's sitting in the chair and the cops like right there like at his desk the detective
Starting point is 00:56:57 and he's like yeah she like killed the lady and stole her baby and like brought to the hospital. He just goes, should have listened to my friends, I guess. That's fucking gray. He's so he's like he's so not surprised by what a psycho bitch she is.
Starting point is 00:57:19 He's like damn. God. I guess my friends are right. God, damn. Also, just dating a fucking psychopathic meat wagon that just keeps getting fatter
Starting point is 00:57:32 going, yeah, I'm pregnant with your baby. Yeah. And it's just hidden because you're that big. Dude, and then all of a sudden he was just like,
Starting point is 00:57:40 he already's mailed it in. He's done with it. He was like, whatever, but when you watch this documentary, that guy rules. Yeah. Like he's a hardworking,
Starting point is 00:57:48 yeah, yeah. Very with it. It doesn't make sense. He was just tricked. It was bamboozled. It was one of those things where he was like started dating this girl and then she was like
Starting point is 00:57:59 I'm rich. Like I'm about to inherit a lot of money and I'm pregnant. He was like nice. We're going to keep working on the pigs. I just keep moving these pigs around. Let me know when that money comes in and baby comes. You know, like he's
Starting point is 00:58:15 just like working on. And she kept being like, I'm rich. Look, I'm rich. I'm going to buy you like a huge estate. And he was like, nice. I got to tend to these pigs. I'll be with these pigs. Let me know when that comes through. And then his friends were like,
Starting point is 00:58:29 she's like lying to you, dude. She's like a psycho bitch. And he was like, I'm just working on getting these pigs moved around. And it literally gets to just, she murders her friend and kills her pig. What would they tell them about? He goes,
Starting point is 00:58:43 well, I'm going to get back to these pigs. Dude, that pig's going to jail. I'm going to get back to my pigs. You can just see him going. Guess my friends are right. And then like putting the hat back on, he's like,
Starting point is 00:58:57 I need anything for me? You got a couple of pigs out in the lot. I need moving. All right, Laser. Yeah, thanks for coming by, man. Thank you so much. Let's get your plugs in. You got a special coming out.
Starting point is 00:59:16 Yeah, I got a special dropping tomorrow. Let's go. Gaslight Digital, 30 minutes with Uncle Laser. and yeah, I'm a degenerate sports gambler, so I just signed a contract with Underdog Sports for the football season. So honestly, just do the exact opposite that I do. You can still win even when I lose.
Starting point is 00:59:35 You know what I'm saying? promo code laser and drunk uncle's podcast. You get a front row seat to the collapse or, I don't know, man. You might get streaky. It's swings, man. It's fucking swings. I was down like 1800 yesterday, and then by the end of the fucking cheese cammell,
Starting point is 00:59:49 I was up 2700. I can't live like that. I'm glad it's. I got to focus just one day of betting and leave the rest. That's all I do. One game. Focus on one game. Player prop and swings.
Starting point is 00:59:59 And God damn what's wrong with the Eagles? What's wrong with the Eagles? The Tennessee Titans damn are beating them, dude. The 2 and O Eagles? What's wrong with them? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. But I mean, they're not supposed to play the Titans like that, dude.
Starting point is 01:00:11 Do we always play the Titans like that? And we also play, it's a week two. Everybody's figuring shit out. Okay. Also, it's another OC. Jalen Hertz is Jason Campbell 2.0. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I had to say it.
Starting point is 01:00:22 I had to say that. Jason Campbell. You know Jason Campbell, Washington superstar Jason Campbell. Oh, did he win a Super Bowl? No, he did not. Oh, was he to the Super Bowl twice? I think he was in once. Hold on.
Starting point is 01:00:35 Was he a Super Bowl of your pee? I got to get back to these pigs. Right. So you need shut the fuck up and people need to shut the fuck up about Chailing Hurts. He's a dog. And what he did in the last two minutes of that game was fucking spectacular. Devonte Smith is that guy. Dog.
Starting point is 01:00:51 I got him on my fantasy team. He's saving the dead. Absolute dog. But you see what... I think Mikey Lemon's going to make a big impact, too. For the Bengals, Jamar Chase. Yeah. Did you see his celebration?
Starting point is 01:01:05 Did you see his celebration when he made that touchdown? He just goes... I like it. Just hang it out. Just lay that dick on the table. It is the best. I like it. I was like, all right.
Starting point is 01:01:16 Everyone's doing this shit. And the duggy shit or the giddy or what? Just lay that dick on the table. They're doing that. well everyone's trying to get as close to making a gun gesture as possible without actually making a gun gesture yeah you gotta you gotta go like Chris calm down no it's just a loose Josh cut back yeah Chris is being racist that's not racist everybody's doing the white guys are doing it everybody's doing it well we went to the UT practice the kid got in trouble because he did one of these
Starting point is 01:01:44 oh shooting up skate yeah yeah it was just practice well that's what we were saying it's You know, yeah. Shooting clays. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not chewed people. Yeah. Come on.
Starting point is 01:01:59 What the hell. What the hell? Sports. Yeah. All right, guys, thank you. Head over to Stuff Island, Patreon. Patreon.
Starting point is 01:02:08 Patreon.com slash Stuff Island. And check out, look at this. Look at this. Look at dish. Ripping. This week, we got, who we got? MREs. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:17 MREs. We're doing a military episode. Joshua talks a meal ready to eat, correct? Is it like ones from this decade or is it like old school ones? Because I see the guy that does the old school ones. And I'm like, I don't know if I'm eating that graham cracker. I don't know if I'm going to eat that graham cracker from 61. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 01:02:36 Dude's getting Korean War beans. That's nuts. No, this is a safe one. Anyway, thank you so much. We'll be in San Diego October 1st through the 3rd and then Nashville, October 8th. Fuck yeah.

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