Stuff Island - WOP Breathalyzer - Stuff Island #127

Episode Date: April 3, 2024

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome back to another episode of i'm happy and i don't know fucking why sunny day it's looking literally oh they can't see it because the lighting yeah yeah it's beautiful beautiful day out here in texas oh dude how are you good man i haven't seen you well you're fucking hot as hell dude i You're so sexy, dude This is senior prom Christopher O'Connor Damn, dude I've been salty all day You forgot to pin that rose on your lapel

And it doesn't even matter Chicks are still trying to get fingered in the parking lot Your date's best friends Are still trying to connive your way around Around Susie. Get that big old bird. It is crazy. I feel like if I shave and I cut my hair, I get like 10 years back.

You're a different person. Completely. It is weird seeing my own chin. It's weird. It's like, yeah. Does it bum you out? What? Seeing my chin?

When my brother shaves, I'm like. like no what bums me out is just seeing you you can wilt flowers walking by usually a sad boy this is good for the whole the whole company the whole crew dude the weather's got me jazzed yeah, this sucks for the pod, though, huh? Actually, dude, I ran in a trail today. Oh, really? Yeah. How far do you have to run to get to the trail? Nature preserve. Sick. Two blocks. Really? Dude, cross over a highway

dangerously. I frogger. I whop frogger across this fucking four lane. And then you run through this little cul-de-sac and there's just like an entry point that's like, do not come here, you'll get lane. And then you run through this little cul-de-sac and there's just like an entry point that's like, do not come here. You'll get raped. And then you walk through and it's just gorgeous land for like four miles.

Oh, what a dream. Yeah. You got to run until you get like unsturdy ground. Yeah. Because I'm worried about my girl rolling on an ankle, not me. I'm fucking. Oh, yeah. You're jumping from rock to rock.

I'm doing that samurai shit where it's like side to side jumping little fucking muddy pits dude they are american ninja warrior yeah they're so good at getting hurt the asians just ladies oh ladies yeah yeah but they don't want to do anything world champions of rolling an ankle the way we see a giant like vine tree yeah like a tree vine the roof dude this is all new to me man she's from areas where like she used to do this plant guy where she was raised and then she did it in la she's like like does all that stuff yeah i haven't i missed that i missed the sirens oh shit i should close that door hold on one sec yeah he's been alone for four days, three days. Yes, tree vines. A tree vine to me is like seeing an anaconda.

Talking about a root. A root. Yeah. Yeah, tree root. The underground vines down there. The bigger vines for the trees. Dirt vines. Dirt vines.

Trump impersonation is perfect. Yeah, so I see it I'm dodging But I now have to yell over my shoulder Like Vine Yeah Cause I don't want her rolling Then I gotta

Jesus Christ Yeah yeah It's like taking care of someone's dog for a week Oh my god I can't I'd like to go to the show But I gotta go fucking water the plant You know what I mean

I gotta go put some food in her mouth Dude it is Yeah yeah It is My girl blows an ACL MCL NECL I'm fucked yeah you

better off just hiring someone to take care of them yeah so when your parent gets to 80 it's like you either put them down just put her in hospice for a couple feet or applesauce for a month and a half she doesn't get better than fucker but it was so beautiful man like running in between and the trails are tiny they're not like meant for multiple people and we're blessed with the off hours so i i this is like it's a park in the middle of this area yeah so you know once these people get out of their their dens they're all going to walk their dogs i scared the shit out of two women just chilling with their dog no just running fast paced not no one's coming around the corner oh yeah i got the pace of a rapist and she just shocks the dog turns every dog i was very proud

of the dog how many mph is the uh this is rape speed rape speed is only like eight to nine because dudes that rape they don't they're not like d1 athletes typically they'll d1 athletes will rape in their prime of athleticism like during the college times like in the dorms and stuff they're not chasing girls down right they're just wearing like a couple diamonds in their ears and like this guy must be right right billionaire you can't show up to it exhausted yeah yeah no they just pick up a little white girl off the counter from a party like a taquito and they take them up to the room damage their their buns dude did you see that dude eddie the guy from purdue the guy was like eight feet tall oh walking that girl into uh yeah

also that's a bummer yeah what a bummer also he didn't do anything wrong no no he didn't do it she was in trouble for that yeah open the door let me see that fucking anaconda you imagine she crawled out of there definitely had to be you hope so yeah yeah i hope so god and all the girls were like i wish it was me but going yeah what are you doing this for you've seen this piglet walk into that door with hundreds of people i i don't know it's a door. Yeah. My college door had saloon doors. Because I didn't want to fuck up the block mechanism. You just walk in like,

wah, wah, wah. You're going to get fucked. No, it was a problem. It was a problem. Yeah, this poor guy. Just because he's a high plains drifter coming through. Yeah. Just because your forehead's in the clouds.

People think you're abusing women. It's it's like no he's just a giant guy but he's a lovable creature yeah he's a he's a giant that you want he wanted to plow the fields in the town he is half asian so he might yeah he might have a tiny little pain damn well his tiny penis at seven two or whatever the fuck he is dude you'd have to have a fucking... Micropenis at 7'2", is still bigger than most. Sure. Dude, my dick on him would look like a micropenis. He has to have a 10-inch dick. Hot Chris, coming out with a long 7'2 dick. He'd have to have a 10-inch cock to just look normal.

I mean, I hope it lays down like this cable. I hope it can't even get any blood to it, and he just has to like... It's got one of those auto-inflators, like an air mattress. Like that thing outside of a car dealership. Every now and then it just comes down. Only one part of it's hard.

Just one arm. One of its appendages gets hard. she hopes it hits her clit good yeah i hope he's pushing that thing like a tube of toothpaste i'd be struggling yeah yeah addison texas we have a show when is it the 10th the 10th april 10th if you're anywhere near Dallas or in Addison, come support us. The Addison Improv, come out. It's next week. It's next Wednesday. It's next Wednesday.

Yeah. And then Thursday, we're at the Creek in the Cave here in Austin. I have to get that out. Yeah. Because all of our posters, even Ian, dumbass Ian, reshared it and said, you guys got to see this live pod. It's funny. Oh, live pod.

I was like, you idiot. And now I want to put like a stand-up thing over our stuff because people don't realize. Do you think it matters? Yeah. Why? Because I think someone wants to watch stand-up comedy and not two fucking morons talk about giant.

Yeah, yeah. Live podcasts. Giant Asians with small dicks. I don't know. Have you heard the first five minutes of this? By just taking a girl you want to fuck to this? No one wants to see this live. Yeah.

Yeah. No one wants to see this in person. I don't know. You keep shaving like this and getting your fucking wig cut. You look great, dude. Really? Yeah. This is.

I feel good. It's much lighter. Renaissance of O'Connor. Yeah. But I was at a concert last weekend. I was like headbanging and the hair was everywhere, and I missed the shag. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah.

Was it wet? No. You were headbanging at a concert? Yeah, yeah. I was fucking, yeah. I was kind of hammered. Yeah, I fucking hope so. Embarrassingly hammered.

It would be embarrassing if you were sober. It's like a 3 p.m. coffee shop headbanging session. That's fucking nuts, dude nuts dude wait what are you head banging to oh it's just the jams man damn yeah what the fuck happened to you yeah dude i'm fucking getting in there you're an old soul uh wait i feel like that's young old soul would be in the back just watching it i feel like i'm young at heart is really what I am. I don't know, 90s. I bring that fucking water in here. This is water.

The fucking 90s, what? I hope your hair turns gray. Take a sip. We'll watch. Yeah, yeah. This is fucking Indiana Jones. Yeah, 90s is like aggressive, like, you know, Metallica, Guns N' Roses. Oh, yeah, yeah.

But it's not like hairband shit. was at the nether hour show yeah yeah they're like yeah i don't know what they are they do everything blues oh uh yeah your girl had us listen to another hour at the pool yeah yeah they're sick and the shows are fun yeah but then they jam for so long they do jam band shit i love it yeah i can't that's when the head banging starts nah my hippie noodle they're not like fish let me tell you about fish and my brother you're gonna say something dumb like that which is perfect it's great leading my brother's a jam band grateful dead fish all those fucking those monkeys that stare into the ether ripped on opiates yeah just he goes i haven't talked to him

for a while and he's like how you doing in austin i was like dude it's great we're having a conversation yeah walking down the street catching up asking about his kids and he's like yeah you were talking about those mushrooms and he waited like like five minutes. Like, I wouldn't know. And I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Now I know what you're doing. What time's the concert? When is the concert? And he's like, it's not that.

It's not about that. No, I just want to check in and see how you're doing. See how you're doing. We haven't talked in three years. The fish is coming to the Madison Square Garden. I want to know if you're going to be around. Oh, you moved. Oh, I thought you were going to the Madison Square Garden. I want to know, you're going to be around. Oh, you moved. Oh, I thought you were going to be in New York.

I drunkenly ordered this little, what I thought was a gym pouch. And it came, it was like small and had like rose gold. And I was like, my niece will love this. Yeah. So our sponsor for the mushroom bars.

Yeah. I threw like two or three bars in there. I put that mushroom spray. Cause that's insane. I'm three bars in there. I put that mushroom spray because that's insane. I'm not spraying that shit. I'd rather do meth. And then I put like the gummies in there. Dude, his reaction. He sent me like four screenshots.

Like he set up all the stuff like I have to do for merch that's given to me for free. He's taking pictures of it in the house. In the house. In the perfect sunlight, like 6 p.m his kids are waiting for food and he's like not yet yeah just hold up hold up super excited but he does that shit where like i went once or twice he took me to a pink floyd concert in 1998 and it's the first time i did whippets i told you yeah or 1994 sorry did whippets, I told you. Yeah, that had to rule. Or 1994, sorry. Did whippets, got fucked up, smoked weed with a stranger because I was worried that him and his friends would think I'm a fucking pussy.

Yeah. And I was just scared as hell the whole time. And now I do all the drugs. So, yeah. Wait, did you wind up going to that show on Sunday? Which show? Did you go to Austin Gardner? No, no, no.

No, I cut the lawn. Dude, you've cut the lawn every day for two weeks. What? The back lawn, I waited. The lawn was two and a half to three feet high. I had to come at the lawn like a fucking, like a rolling soldier wall. Like I had to go back heels and then come back this wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I had to go back heels.

And then come back this way. Yeah. And then I did the back. Because you can't see the back through the windows outside of my bedroom. Yeah. Got the back done. Did the weeds everywhere else. Man.

I fucking love cutting along. It's the best thing in the world. It's so fun. Yeah. I don't even play music. No. I want to hear them all over. Yeah, yeah. It's white noise. It's a noise machine. I want to sneeze for four hours after i'm done i was a mess what's going on with the patch have you fixed the patches no that's a whole thing it's like i don't own the

home that bitch can fix the patch i found out her name too oh the the management the owner yeah not the management company the owner and there's some shoddy work. The next door neighbor, just to give you guys an update, apparently you're interested in the updates of this stuff. Next door neighbor is selling the home because the guy peaced out like six months ago. There's been a family dispute and all that stuff. The neighbors who's selling the house flipped our house. So they're buying and selling houses flipping

them so he sold our house after flipping it okay he put in a big dollar amount on the flip on our house this next one only gonna take like three to six months construction but it's right next door to us so i'm wearing my girl walking around with her fucking heaters out all the windows we don't have all the windows covered yet she's a hippie oh yeah just a lot of a lot of nude in the house yeah what's up dude just a bunch of mexicans beating off on their hard hats oh you think during the construction oh yeah they're gonna be peeping they're hungry yeah yeah yeah yeah even alone with the mexicans yeah i gotta we gotta keep padlock i'm'm going to put those like Brooklyn bars on the outside.

Yeah, you got to get a big like immigration fucking poster. Dude, the beans are the best. The beans are the best. But you got to let them know. Yeah, what's up? That if they're peeping. Yeah. Well, that's why I got to cut the lawn seven times the next week. Because construction starts.

I just got to put on like a skinny whore tank top. I'm just going to weed whack with nothing in my hands. Just stink it up. Have you gotten a weed whacker yet? I just ordered today. Fuck yeah. Weed whacker blower combo. I'm going all electric for this small.

Wait, how does that work? Uh-uh. On Amazon, I got a combo deal for 25% off. Oh, okay. From this company. Yeah. Gotta say, really happy with the mower. Oh, really?

I thought it would, the electric, I thought would get chopped up with the length of grass. Yeah, I didn't think it would have the power. I thought it would slow it down slow it down cut it off that but you did have to fucking oh just i did it first and then i stopped doing that then i just go slow instead of going wheel to wheel that's how you get that gradient yeah yeah so what makes a lawn look that way where it's a darker line lighter line yeah it's just a spin of the blades right so. So it lays the blade of grass that way, lays the blade of grass this way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just cut it in half,

so it doesn't look pretty right now. What do you mean? Because I went half the width of the lawnmower. So typically when you cut grass, if it's at an appropriate length, you go wheel to wheel. So you'll see your wheels go this way. Yeah, yeah. And when you turn the mower around,

you lock the other wheel and go this way. So it should be a perfect straight line, different color, depending on your eye point. Your focal point. And it was too long. Too long, I halved it. So now it's just mayhem. But it's down.

It's what your hair used to be to what it is. My lawn has hot hair right now my lawn's going to the fucking prom dude my lawn's picking up other lawns as we speak so what'd you do this weekend what did you get up to anything yeah i chose friday and saturday and then we just like... Sunday and Monday went around to... We just perused. Went to Madewell Men's, my first sponsor. Shout out Madewell Men's. You went back to Madewell.

Went back to Madewell. Pick up my pants. I had to have them hemmed. I got these high-waisted crease pants. What? You look like a 60s chick? No. A 70s greaser.

You were in high-waisted jeans? It goes just under my belly button. No, they're kind of dress pants, lightweight dress pants. I'm going to wear a wife beater. What is going on? What are you talking about? I have to plant my fucking whop foot in this ground. That's insane.

Wait, you're going to age. You're like old now. That's when the sun goes now. I'm not old. It's appropriate. Once, you're going to age. You're going to be, you're like old now. That's when the sun goes now. I'm not old. It's appropriate. Once you're 44 years old, Chris. High pants. It's not going to go above my belly like Paulie.

Dude, it's just under your belly button. Yeah, it's a little higher. No way. Looks good. Dude. Loafers. I pinned up the bottom so you could see a bunch of ankle. It's for summer weddings.

In the heat. Dude. You're out of your fucking mind. Yeah, no shit. I'm trying to lean into it. It looks good. Taking risks. Like doing whippets at a fucking Pink Floyd concert.

What? Are you going to get a rope belt? No. No. I like this. rope belt? No. That threaded? Oh, Christ. And they sell that there too. Obviously. Did you just get that?

Did you just get that? No, it's the same one from like eight years ago. It's genuine leather, Chris. It lasts for a long time. I stopped buying it on its boots. I go away for a weekend. You're wearing high pants and a braided belt. No, I didn't wear the pants yet. I go away for a weekend. You're wearing high pants and a braided belt. No, I didn't wear the pants yet. I just got them hemmed.

But I'm excited to wear them on my day off. So you're going to have belly button pants. And then what are they? Are they high waters? Yeah. What the fuck is going on? Yeah, I'm going to go to a tu baseball game like that show these little girls and their bums out dude you're gonna have to all that is dude

showing my ankles is like these little college whores showing the ends of their buns that's all i got that's hot you know i mean you got hot ankles hot ankles are you just gonna be driving around town picking up envelopes of money and stuff what are you doing dude that's the goal envelopes of pussy just stopping by some just you doing? That's the goal. Envelopes of pussy. Just stop by some, just ring the doorbell of some woman's house going, come on, give me the envelope of pussy. Should I intervene here? No.

Buddy, this is the same progression I've been on forever. I don't know. High pants. It is. High waisted pants. You're going to start getting that. It's so gradual. You're going to start getting that. It's so gradual. You're going to start getting like that taint, that little dome down there.

Ew, like a high-puss dome? Yeah, yeah. Like whatever that globe is that old men get. It's not just old men. It's when women relax. Just their uterus comes out? Well, it's when they hold their breath for a second or let it go. It's just a fishbowl of puss.

Welcome to the Thunderdome. All right. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Okay? You guys, you know them. You love them. Squarespace is the best website builder site that there is. You can buy... Sites. Yeah, you can buy... You can get a site. You can build them. Get a site. You can buy sites yeah you can buy you can get a sites you

can build them get a sites you can get sites we got sites yeah we got a site we build a site on web web builder yeah all right let's start space let's start wait don't start over this is good yeah is it this is the juice yeah i'm trying to get your cat hair out of my mouth oh yeah no he's he hasn't been pet or combed in a while so he's he's full of hair he's a needy motherfucker he right now he is he's gonna be pissed when we leave yeah he's also mad that i came back and the lady's not back yet i think he's like oh that's why he's screaming since we've been since i've been chilling he's just like sitting on my lap looking at the door going like yeah the fuck yeah yeah what is going on

where's the one i really care about yeah and if you love cats you can build a website about cats through squarespace.com look at that yeah yeah baby we're back they've got the fluid engine yeah right which means that you can just move stuff around on the website if you've ever tried to build a website i don't know if you even attempted to learn fucking code most people haven't that's the point of this you don't have to you don't have to i learned code. Most people haven't. That's the point of this. You don't have to. You don't have to. I learned code in college. Look at me now. I'm technologically deficient. I don't want to say the R word.

Code's changed a lot since then. It was years ago. Everything's been growing. But yeah, no code. It's also, though, sometimes you go and you have a little, like you're trying

to build your website and just like you can't get the thing in the right place and the image is all annoying. but even switching back between mobile and desktop like setups and want to getting it to look the right way is a huge pain in the keister yeah not with the fluid engine we had the trouble before squarespace yeah yeah where you'd look at the website on your phone and it would look as opposed to spread out with the photo yeah yeah yeah squarespace on mobile it would just be a zoomed in picture of nothing yeah also

we got tons of sick merch on stuff Island pod comm go check that out built by Squarespace yeah you can click on it you can order it our boys are delivering it all over the world go to Squarespace comm for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to WWF Squarespace comm slash stuff a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash stuff island to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's pretty good. 10%. Yeah.

It's crazy. 10% savings. That's huge. I'm talking with my girl right now about her starting her own business. And one of the big things is getting a website. Yeah. Taking that first step. Yeah, yeah yeah there's a lot of people out there wanting to know what my first step is use your momentum take the first step set up a

website you'll get confident you'll see yourself visually yeah everybody you meet has a place to see you and your potential business or just your person squ Squarespace. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. How was your weekend? It was good. I went back, saw my parents. That made me feel good. Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Hung out with them for a little bit. Did you shave before or after? After. Yeah. Yeah. Did they get to see the new Chris when they left? You got baptized. Yeah, I got a haircut.

I got a haircut from just an old guy that was like shaking he had like yeah it was bad it was yeah that's why i started cutting my own hair oh yeah yeah dementia he was losing i went to that guy yeah the vietnam vet bob rossi how dare you move to connecticut that will piss me off nobody goes to bob ross R.I.P. Look at his tattoo. I should get a tattoo of Bob Ross. Dude, it was. Just the barber wheel. He had one of those old school barber wheels. What's a barber wheel?

Like the wheel that's outside of an old school barbershop. Looks like a candy stripe. Oh, yeah, yeah. The red and blue. Yeah, yeah. Red, white, and blue, and it just keeps going down. Looks like it's swirling. I love that thing.

Yeah. They're non-existent. Yeah, they got rid of them. Yeah. They all turned yellow. They're like old newspaper now. Nah, kids started stealing them. Yeah, to put them in their apartments.

We got one. To be like hobo chic or whatever. Yeah. Hipster. That's what you're looking for, but yes. Hobo chic. Hobo chic. Hobo chic.

You're like old. You're going to be like old, you're mafia chic. I mean, it's not even. Retirement mafia chic. Listen, I get the push for an aggressive style. Yeah. Trust me, the high pants thing, it's a once in a while thing and i think it has its purpose when is when's the appropriate time for you're saying summer weddings my girl likes the idea of a greaser look oh she's like telling you how to dress

nobody tells me how to dress in fact one of her friends saying this is what i like one of her friends came to the mothership and saw me perform and then sent a message to another mutual friend goes this dress tommy yeah and i took such offense yeah i was like fucking no and that's what she does though she's a stylist in a way like we're not in a way she's your look yeah no she well yeah she'll help me out but we're also so differing in ages it's like yeah i'm 44 i gotta stay in my lane you can look like i don't know i think you're swerving all over the road no i'm not fucking your lane is high pants if you see there's a time for the high pants, I said.

It's like a fucking wedding. You see me at a wedding, you're going to go, oh, you dressed up a little bit, but it's different. It's still in your vein of wotness. Let me ask you this. When you went shopping... You're leaning in and you're being very fucking aggressive. Would she try this on? What?

The high-waisted pants? Yeah, yeah. No. She definitely did. She coerced me into him and then she went oh yeah yeah but i did put the fucking white underneath tucked in and i was like dude you gotta get a little white hat fedora fuck you you gotta get a little white hat i watched 90 day fiance with her we're all caught up but there's this there's like this uh this girl from like venezuela or one of those you know one of those countries that you pluck away from because they're hot yes you have no money yes yeah beautiful in the eyes lips, too much work done,

giant fake tits that don't move. I like how you're describing it like a meal. A little oaky on the nose. I'm just putting an order in for what's seamless. No onion. Actually, keep the tomato. Can I get the pussy Venezuelan? Dude, if a tornado ripped through this woman's house,

her tits would stay put and the rest of her skin would fly. They're so tight and weird. And she's hot for him because he's an ugly... When I say ugly, it's off-putting. He's homely, you know? Yeah. I feel like homely is a nice description of somebody. No, homely means you're you're hideous really yeah you're thinking homely like ah home yeah homely is negative

homely like homeless he's homely no homely looking you you have a phone in your pocket or is there no other way to figure this out homely anyway this guy looks like he was drained of all of his blood he's got he's got weird deep set eyes they're too close together like incestual and then he wears a fedora because he's bald and he's insecure yeah and the fedora he gets large so he can clip his ears in remember little league baseball when you see a little kid with his ears clipped in the hat you're like you're never going to wigger look too you'll never hard are baby let's go dude the big the big hat with the ears inside that's full wig yeah it's full wig yeah this

guy's wearing a fedora full wigger to pin his ears in pins his ears in in a fedora for a wig. To pin his ears in? Pins his ears in, in a fedora, and he's like an accountant in Detroit. He took this woman out of the jungle, and she just wants a visa. All 90 Day Fiance is, it's one hot person or one normal-headed person marrying some psychopath from the United States to get a visa,

and they have to deal with this person's bullshit yeah so this there's this like hot russian guy he's like a good-looking russian younger dude yeah and he marries a transsexual woman and has to take them to meet the family and stuff oh wow so do you know any like do you know any green card citizens from Ireland? It's like indentured servitude, right? You have to like, how many years do you have to be married until you can get your papers? I have no idea.

I wish I could speak on that. I'm still trying to get my driver's license. Also, you have to drive me to my driver's license appointment or my permanent appointment. When is that? Houston, Friday. Okay. I got it late. I got it at 2 o'clock. And then my driver's test appointment or my permanent appointment when is that houston friday okay yeah i got it late got it two o'clock and then my driver's test is next friday the 12th wow

you can pick me up for that too chris what are you doing tomorrow you drive me to get my drivers dude if you look at my fucking card statement it's it'll be a bar yeah club comedy club lift lift lift lift lift lift lift lift lift lift lift it's the amount of money i spend ten dollars a month in my gym membership and it's a beautiful experience yeah every lift to the gym is ten dollars every fucking lift it would how much would you say you're spending on Ubers a month? It's got to be $2,000. Easy.

Two, three grand. Jesus Christ. Yeah. It's everywhere. I got to go everywhere. Even if it's 15, 20 minutes, it still adds up. I got no car. I got to go to the supermarket.

I got to go to the... Every single thing I do. Can you drive like a Vespa without a license? Why, am My blood type? What a racial thing to say. Just getting a breathalyzer to see if you're fully Italian.

If one of your parents is fully Italian, there's a WAP breathalyzer for Vespas. Doesn't matter how fucked up you are. Oh, no, because of that. Instead of making you walk the line or say the alphabet, they just give you some pizza dough. It's like, throw that up in the air.

Toss this. Let me see if he can catch you. Great this Parmesan. The wind. It's a storm coming. It's going to rain tomorrow. Let me go, please go please officer I did nothing Dude tossing a pizza for a

WAP breathalyzer is so funny They measure the distance between Your pants and the top of your shoe Now he's good I cannot see the belly button He's good His I cannot see the belly button. He's a good. His father's a million percent. He's no taste in Colossus.

Holy shit. I love how this baby puts his paw on me. Dude, he's been alone for so long. You were gone for three days. Yeah, he's Randy. He's so cute. He's all fired up. He is a good cat, man.

He wants so much attention, he doesn't know what to do. When you pick him up and pet him, he just goes like, meh. He is one of those cat dogs. He's a cat dog. Yeah. I hate to love on it, but this cat rules. He is the best. Do you know that whiskers are the width of a cat?

Yeah. So they can get through, like, doors. They know how to, yeah. That's why they get fucked up. What else? That's why they get fucked up if they get a cat. Yeah. So they can get through like doors. Yeah. That's why they get fucked up. That's why they get fucked up if they get too fat. Yeah. Then the whiskers

lose their effectiveness. Yeah. Austin cats getting stuck in holes everywhere. I actually do the health of these people down here. Not too bad.

Not that they all be meat wagons. Yeah, no. It's pretty outdoorsy I feel like yeah oh dude uh my lady's going to the eclipse thing and i went to when is that it's the eight monday yeah we're going yeah yeah right but she's going to like a like a festival lookout yeah yeah and we went into rei we talked about you and rei on our trail run me and my girl oh really yeah dude i gotta get gear now because i have a trail dude i it came all over the place it's my weakness dude yeah it's my weakness yeah if something's waterproof yeah i i cannot buy it yeah i was going through there and they like they have every different type of like jacket for

like every condition you know what i mean like they have like a literally like a paper thin waterproof jacket for like hot days and it's just like i can't i can't resist yeah i'm gonna need that dude i had to like i had to like put my phone down because I was looking at tents I started looking at like I started looking at like North Face like fucking top of Everest

like tents Jesus Christ glow in the dark like fucking zippers and stuff and like dude I like I was like

this is insane you're gonna bear spray on your belt dude calm down you're camping right now on your belt. Dude, calm down. You're camping right now. Let's get your house in order. Let's get you some toilet paper to back up the one roll you have.

I know. Oh, dude. It's the best. I was literally, I spent like two hours just looking at portable dinnerware. You haven't used a plate the last three years you lived with me it's like crazy dude i'm looking at like the way they make them is that like the spoon perfectly matches the shape of the bowl yeah so you can get every sit in yeah yeah yeah perfect concave yeah yeah and it's just like oh yeah we just got our silver

word delivered oh really yeah we have everything now man it's pretty great oh you got to take that uh so we're a holder yeah yeah you gotta take that with you that's big put that under my arm for a show a show at the creek and then show it ship. I got no jacket to hide it in. Yeah. I'm like, where's my silverware holder? I mean, you look normal on 6th Street. Probably. Yeah.

Yeah, with this look? Yeah. You're right. That would be a good way for homeless people to get out of tickets. Just carrying around things that look like you have a house. You're moving. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Just like, yeah, a silverware holder? No, no, no, I'm in the middle of something yeah i was just at the hardware store just came from home goods yeah and still has the tags on it like what you stole these from home goods there would be nothing worse than like a a weathered silverware holder like a used just like like it's been out in the elements. Oh, God. Nothing would make you look more homeless. Spit-ridden dishwasher.

Dude, the homeless are wild today. Oh, yeah. They were bumping. Easter Monday. They had a day off. Yeah. Today they were fucking wild, walking, like chasing us down the street here.

Really? Yeah. Trying to have a conversation yeah i mean as soon as my lift dropped us off she was knocking on the window of the lift driver and the lift driver was so sweet she rolled it down i'm like what are you doing uh what are you doing yeah yeah she's like well these people are trying to shame me make me feel less of a person and then i just like walk i'm building that four mile an hour walk with my girl i'm like let's go sun's up it's beautiful i gotta go i gotta get to this this pod and then sure enough she starts fucking booking after us excuse me sir sir yeah and this dude across she was like chandra like just calling her off the search or on the search yeah because he started screaming early going that's who you want to get those two fucking idiots that don't look like they belong here yeah yeah dressed nice and a button up just came from made yeah it looks like i'm looking for an ice cream

shop also shout out made well i will say this made well men's i'll save it for the ad cut that made well men's are we doing a made well men's ad i'm not no no it's not an ad not yet no i'm actually not even wearing their stuff no this is all is all New York stuff right now. Yeah, because the last seven days I wore nothing but their shit. Really? Yeah, I got four pairs of pants. Damn. Are they sending me anything? Crew neck sweater.

Take your time. Make me look good. I'll make you look good. You already looked good. We talked about this. You already look good. So it's like putting the stuff on you is a waste of the money. You know what I mean?

Give it to me. People will notice a change. True. You know? But. It it's like putting the stuff on you is a waste of the money. You know what I mean? Give it to me. People will notice a change. True. You know? But. It'll be like a glow up. Yeah, but that's like putting a pinwheel hat on you. You got to go gradual until people really want to wear what you're wearing.

Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. It's like if I started looking good, people would go, what are you doing? And I would go, Madewell. Yeah, I'm having sex. Yeah, it's changed me. I'm having sex now. I'm coming into another receptacle.

That's not a shampoo bottle. Ugh. What was that? Just, yeah. Man, I had a nice jerk-off this weekend. It was great. One? Yeah.

Man, I wish. Go to the hotel room, volume up. As soon as you get to the hotel room volume up as soon as you get so wrong yeah yeah yeah walking into a hotel room is like even the scent the tight bedding you don't even bother to flip it down yeah if it's mid-afternoon you still have that like the drapery that's scandally clad yeah the sun's peeking through like the world's got a see-through dress on yeah true the world has a see-through dress on just another element to turn your heart your dick hard that's so funny and then immediately nothing else matters yeah all your friends are texting you like, yo, you want to get a burger before the show? Just shut up, shut up, shut up.

Oh, dude, when you know you have enough time to beat off and nap, it's heaven. Damn. How long do you beat off when you know you have to nap? What's your beat off length? I mean, this one went quick. Yeah. Within a minute?

No, probably a couple minutes. Yeah. What was your... Can you tell us? Can you tell us? Like, what? I don't know. I just look around.

You peep. Yeah, I look around. I look around. You bop. Yeah, and I like slowly... You bop around. Yeah, slowly get in the mood. Yeah.

It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. And then and I like slowly get in the mood. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. Yeah. And then you get your... You build up to it. Your trunk fully full of... Yeah. Of the goo.

Yeah, and then... Release time. Ka-blam. Yeah, yeah. It's like looking down... Ka-blu-y. Looking down the chute of that high-rise water slide. Yeah.

Like fucking... It's wildwood. Yeah. Well, it's Wildwood. Yeah. Well, I and the lifeguard's like don't do it. Don't go ahead first, dude. Yeah.

And you fake turn away and then sprint and jump. I'm gonna go. Dude, look at this boy. Yeah. Man, he's in need of love. He's so excited

to have people around. Gardini was popping by taking a look at him. Hanging. Well, he's in need of love. He's so excited to have people around. Gardini was popping by, taking a look at him, hanging. Well, he's probably still high on catnip and weed. I can see Gardini rolling around the rug with catnip. Oh, yeah. Gardini was in love. He and LaMere. Those dudes smoke weed like you wouldn't fucking believe.

Yeah. It's nuts, dude. It's crazy. It is crazy. And they're firing up cigarettes in between the weed do you know when i fuck when i when i'm hanging out with them everything comes off like i was at a cigar bar oh yeah i gotta wash shit i don't want to yeah yeah yeah shit's gotta go to a dry cleaner i don't have a dry cleaner yet no there's things i can't put in my my wash do they

have dry cleaners down here yeah you talk about i don't know you give it to one of the homeless excuse me sir charlene charlene wait so what was charlene doing charlene was hunting you down and she got called off no she called off the dogs she walked up to my lift driver with her long sleeve shirtleeve shirt like this. Like, she wanted to wash the window. And then the lady rolled the window down. She didn't even have a rag? Yeah, dude.

She's using her shirt sleeve? You know what they do under the bridges? Not just here, but anywhere. They just, they grab a piece of newspaper, and they have something in a spray bottle, which is like piss. Yeah, it's all piss water. It ruins your, it's worse. Yeah, yeah,'s all piss water it ruins your it's worse yeah yeah you gotta pay them to spray piss all over your windshield meanwhile just give him a dollar

no no thank you it's like when a little kid comes up going chocolate do you want to chocolate and you give him a dollar and you're like i don't want the chocolate thank you well you don't take candy you don't take the candy for i bought a snickers on the subway it was fantastic no i don't want the chocolate. Thank you. Well, you don't take candy? You don't take the candy? I bought a Snickers on the subway. It was fantastic. No, I don't buy it. Just give it to him. What do you think? It's wrapped. Well, if a fucking...

It's hermetically sealed. Some dude's playing guitar. I'm not going to grab the guitar after I pay him. Wouldn't that be great? Just smash it? No, no, no, miss. That would be funny to pay a guy to just smash his guitar. Dude, the whole fucking train would stand in ovation.

Yeah. They'd be like, thank you. Yeah. This has been going on for 25 minutes, 13 stops. Look at this baby. Yeah, he's happy as a clam. Took him outside onto the porch, which has now made me very nervous. My brother was telling me a story that like...

Is this in frame? I want to show you how good this kid is. Yeah, yeah. Look at this. Yeah, you can fucking... He likes it when you get into his belly too. Everybody talks about dog cats. This is a dog cat.

A full dog cat. He's such a sweetie pea. Yeah. And he's so chill. He doesn't fucking... Like this kind of shit, you get bit right away. And he's not as licky't fucking Like this kind of shit You get bit right away And he's not as licky

I don't want licks though It's gross I like the lick Nah They got that fucking Sandpaper tongue Yeah It was crazy

Filled with shit Within their feet They're still fucking Disgusting to me But I love I do love your cat Your cat is very sweet He's a good boy

It's on camera It's proven This is a nice boy he's a good boy how was the shoot can we talk about tires yeah yeah we did like a promo shit for tires yeah it was crazy it was really crazy the fuck are you looking at dude you want more of those yeah get in there he's like nah dude don't get too comfy no he likes it or get uh yeah it was crazy fucking i don't know just taking pictures for the show yeah it's so funny because it's like yeah these are for like a billboard or whatever you're like i don't no way am i making it on a billboard yeah you are why would you be there i i think it's just to make me feel good you know what i mean make you feel good you think anyone wants to make you feel well we shot we shot like a shot like an

ad for it like a promo or whatever which was fun it was just crazy i don't know being back with everyone it was like it was a nice little it was a nice little moment. Get used to it, baby. But yeah, it's also like, it was funny. There was like people there from Netflix and it's like, I don't. You're ruining it. What? Not you. Them.

Like, get the fuck out of here. No, they were so sweet. Of course. But still. Yeah. Go grab a drink or a bagel in the fucking waiting area no one needs you here i know you're paying money but who gives a shit no they gotta monitor the situation of course that's the problem anyway shout out netflix thank you so much

yeah they were very sweet it's like when you go into a green like shane shows and you see everybody with like i don't know I shouldn't be talking about this. Dude, I literally, it had been so long and I'm like, my memory is so shitty that the first Netflix person I met, I was like, oh, good to see you again. I can't believe we're back. They're like, nice to meet you.

Nice, hello. I've never met you before. I'm from Argentina. Yeah, fuck them. No, it was cool it was fun what was your photo shoot look so you're gonna be the pick on the netflix when i scroll netflix i'm gonna see hot chris i don't think so i think i think i think i think i think it's gonna be it's gonna be change shane shane all day yeah Yeah. Nobody's going to be like, ah, watch because of that guy.

Yeah. Shane in a urinal holding a tire. That'd be sick. Yeah. Just a picture I took. When does it come out? May 23rd, I think.

Damn. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's quick. It's quick. quick i'm excited put that in my calendar yeah may 23rd i hope it does well what i hope it does well it's gonna do great yeah i think so it's gonna do great who what's I think so. It's going to do great.

What else did you do in Philly? I went home. Dude, I mean, I got all my lax gear. Let's go. I'm fired up. You sent me a pic. I was throwing. I thought you were talking shit about the lax league. Oh, no.

I was like, this guy's just buzzing about being in a new environment he wants to find a way to get away from his girl as we all do i'll sign up for a fucking christian retreat in the woods yeah just long bowling yeah yeah yeah i'm doing long your high pants dude high pants and long bowling is first of all you're mispronouncing bocce ball. Just bolling. We should have a bocce ball league on. You could do bocce. 100%. I could do bocce.

I could do whatever you tell me to do. It's also just beautiful because it gives you a reason to really manicure the lung. Yeah. True. I got to flatten my back for the golf mat. I might have to lay down some plywood. Yeah, to make sure it's even. The undulation is all over the place.

Yeah, yeah. It's dips and curves and turns. I wonder how much it costs to level the backyard. I'm not doing that. I don't fucking own the place. Would you level? Take it off the rent. Oh, yeah?

What do I tell you this person's last name? The mail will be coming. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not paying for level in the backyard. There's no question about that. It's a magic trick. I forget what we were talking about. Bocce ball.

Bocce ball. Dude, our... I was throwing the ball around with my brother. First off, you guys are on the Patreon. If not, we're doing... We're off, you guys are on the Patreon. If not, we're going to have high activities on this tour. Oh, yeah. Starts this week. We leave in two days. You're going to Houston?

We leave in two days. I know. Houston, Addison, Austin. And then what? Tampa? Yeah, that's later in the month. We need to spend some time at home Tampa's the 21st I believe

yeah Tampa do we have fans in Tampa I hope so yeah I hope so I hope all the

Tampa peeps come out I mean this couch talk's probably gonna rile up all the Tampanians yeah what do

you call that Tampans Tampabanian Tampons Tampans Tampansons tampoons i have to piss yeah take a piss and then we'll just regroup and cut yeah yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna grab a drink i think i don't know i i it's like i don't know not really hung out with my parents. Yeah? That was pretty much it. My mom made a tenderloin.

Yeah? She wants me to send you the recipe. Beef. Your mother's sending recipes to me? Yeah, yeah. We have a thing, dude. Your mom's locked in. My mom wants you to see this tenderloin recipe.

Your mom got bit by that fucking WAP charm. Oh, yeah. She loves old New York. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. this tenderloin recipe your mom got bit by that fucking wop charm oh yeah she loves she's like uh she loves old new york yeah you know what i mean yeah and old new york is very italian i feel like in her in her mind at least it's all changeable with philly in a way it's like if you have old school style and charm i was always raised i never understood like i had friends that did like they like an older man as a father would address his his kids friends yeah just like call me bill yeah like okay bill yeah they're like eight yeah hey bill and i'm like what the fuck it's mr wallace oh yeah how are you gonna do that

yeah i never used any parents first names and regardless of how old you get still don't yeah yeah mrs o'connor how are you yeah good to see it smells good in here yeah yeah did you cook muffins or is that a candle choice like you gotta fucking commit dude get in their heart quick yes it's like a first date well it is it is like a weird reverse thing because it's like when it makes them feel young again yeah ironically yeah because it's like when you first start getting called like mr papa or something you're probably like yeah yeah yeah i'm getting old yeah yeah but then the inverse genuinely old yeah kids friends come over and they're like hey and they're old they're the same age yeah yeah yeah when you miss poppy like i feel like yeah i'm still a young dad when i look like you and i did dumb shit

yeah you just fucking you just have to just lean in the charm like the first meeting is the first date everything has to be specific yeah even if you don't want to be with them no you gotta yeah if you're meeting the parents if you mean the parents are someone you love and you know you're gonna see for a long time yeah buddy the pressure's on and you better fucking care yes your mother and i had an hour long conversation about dip and dressings yes and then i went outside and threw a football with your dad well yeah yeah that's a hero's template well you learn you also learn that at a young age if you're like um you know like kind of a scumbag a little piece of shit yeah yeah and you know you're like when you and your friends are illegal you know you're up to no good you all know that you better be good around the parents yeah yeah you

know what i mean so it can be a red flag the parents go i like that kid you can hang out with them yeah you know what i mean yeah go i'm over at charlie's house huh you know yeah you know you like him like we're not doing anything bad i turn then charlie can do the same thing i told you this before i used to walk the tracks the trolley tracks to get this one kid's house in grade school yeah that peanut butter and jelly at lunch and my parents like you can't go there for lunch and i was like it's peanut butter and jelly why and they're like you just can't and then as i got older i saw like the parents and i was like oh they were they were just meth-head bikers. And they're like, you can't hang out with this kid,

and the kid ended up getting fucking ice-picked. Wait, was peanut butter and jelly a bad meal? I mean, it wasn't great. We were probably sixth, seventh grade. Yeah. But what were you bringing for lunch to school? Meats with no condiments. Yeah, dude.

A dry, it was like. Bologna sandwich. Yeah, it was like putting, yeah, just cotton in your mouth for a while. I'm not saying it was higher end, but like to like lower levels white trash, there's levels of all white trash. There's white trash that pretends to not be white trash. Then there's white trash that pretends are not white trash and is extremely white trash.

And there's danger levels there. You look at the parents, you go, you don't hang out with that kid. I think that kid's a good kid. He's got a shot. I don't want you swimming in the pool with that fucking kid because the chance he can drag you down to the deep end. And my parents did that shit and they were right. Yeah. There chance he can drag you down to the deep end and my parents

did that shit and they were right yeah there's a crossroads you come to 13 years old 14 years old you're hanging with the public school kids the catholic school kids the private school kids yeah you're all in like these sporting events whether it's leagues or on the street or in parks you make a fucking decision this is my guy yeah your parents direct you they fucking i had that lens where they focus you this is your guy that's also they do it subliminally and actively and aggressively you hang out with paul paul's a good guy what's paul up to yeah every time you bring up peter they're like yeah i don't think um we can't make it to peter's house you can't get driven there i'm not gonna walk you to peter's house

you're not getting dropped off for lunch there yeah and then all of a sudden you go all right well i'm gonna ingratiate myself to paul you don't know why but they they plant the fucking seats yeah and they place restrictions anytime you're hanging out with paul they're like you gotta be home by six yeah yeah yeah and so you can hang out with Paul, they're like, you got to be home. By six. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can hang out with Pete until nine. Right. You can sleep over at Pete's. Exactly.

On a school night. Exactly. Dude, if you're sleeping over at a buddy's house on a school night, that's your boy for life. Yes. That's my boy, Cooch. I spent more time in his house than my house in high school. That's nice. Yeah.

Just throwing pills, throwing balls. Yeah. All day long. Going to fucking Dairy Queen. Getting a Blizzard extra Butterfinger. Yeah. Going downstairs, farting our brains out, playing Mario Kart. Now that I'm thinking about it, it is like, yeah,

playing sports was also a way to stay somewhere later yeah you like in a way that like your parents aren't gonna be mad if you're like throwing a baseball throwing a football playing lacrosse it's like yeah yeah we're out we're out we're burning off energy if you're anytime you tell your parents that you're like and your kid you tell them that you're like doing something that's like, I'm going to be super tired when I get home. Yeah. Yeah. Keep doing that. Keep doing that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why these people in Texas bring their kids to a fucking beer garden. Right. And they just let these little fuckos run off. Sprint around. Sprint around. Eat dirt.

Get fucked up. Oh, dude. We took it. It was the last day. Last day for dogs at the beach. You went to the beach. They got a last day for dogs at the beach you went to the beach they got a last day for dogs dude my brother's dog why did they cut it off i guess like once the weather starts getting nice like more people come out people are there you can't have dogs biting people and fucking shit up but dude it was a beautiful... It was just last day for ugly chicks. Last day for pigs.

Last day for dogs. No more pigs. It's a warning sign like sharks are attacking. Dude. It's just an ugly girl on the side. Dude, last... You would love last day for dogs at the beach. It was a beautiful Easter Sunday.

And dude, the whole beach was just... It was just rocky that's awesome you know when they're like jumping in the waves and hugging each other it was just dogs doing that muscly jacked dogs jumping in the waves damn it was amazing and these dumb motherfuckers are gonna think it's gonna happen every day yeah yeah they had no idea no idea that was their last day no idea it's like a sniper dude and it was, I hadn't had this experience in so long. Because it's like. It's like some terrorist throwing a Molotov cocktail.

Like, isn't this great? Isn't this great? And then they're fucking four miles away. Dude, well, I don't know. You had a pug as growing up, right? Yeah. So it's not really the same dog, but like it's a mailbox.

I had forgotten how fucking awesome it is when you're in the car and the dog starts realizing that you're going to like a park that it knows, dude, dude, the dog in the car was just like, like, it's like, I haven't seen a thing that excited in so long. Just like.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just wagging. Just coming in the back of a Subaru. Just pushing its face into the windshield. Like, just. Like, you can smell the seawater from like six miles away.

And you open the door and it's just shot out of a cannon. Yeah, dude. You put me in a lift and I'm close to like a cocaine bar. I'll slam my forehead against that back window, dude. It's just getting all worked up. It's Saturday night again? It's a whiskey bar. Again? I'm not even with anybody else.

Just scaring the shit out of some old lady. Just sniffing the corners of the window to see if there's a weak point. Yeah, yeah. Bouncer asked me for an idea. I elbow him in the face. Start blowing lines of drywall off the back of a paper towel dispenser. I did that once at a bar

in Philly. Yeah. Back when I was doing cocaine off of a towel dispenser. There was a place in Philly. Yeah. Back when I was doing that yellow acumen. You were doing cocaine off of a towel dispenser? There was a place in Philly called

O'Shea's. You remember this place? I know O'Shea's. Yeah. Down the street from Helium. The bartender, Chris. Bartender Chris.

Shout out Chris. I love that motherfucker. He knew what was up, but he wasn't involved at all. And this place was just a coke den yeah but it was like an old school irish pubby classier because they had like the hanging glasses it was like a cool like 70s vibe in a way with decor but 90s vibe with like everything from here down was like shitty.

Yes. Just shitty enough. Just classy enough, just shitty enough. They still had that like copper, you know, the copper like piping down here and up top, like this classic Irish pub. Dude, just quickly. Do you wish you were taller so you can get to that copper? Well, yeah, I wish I was taller

for many reasons but like the fucking when a bar doesn't have that piping down low you're just drinking beers all night doing this I will leave it's like insane your feet are just

swinging around it's if I walked into a bar and you were just seated Indian style and I knew there was no bar for you to put your feet on. Tom, it's a sitting. You're just in a high chair. There's no bar? I would go to that bar.

If they had fire engines and cop cars like an old barbershop that you could sit in. Dude, that's so funny. It's a brilliant idea. That would be fucking sick. A sick bar called the barbershop. Everybody just sits in little flying airplanes.

Little boats. You have to put on the fucking... There's a steering wheel? Yeah, you have to put on the cape, but no one cuts your hair, you just get fucked up. They give you a lollipop in between each drink. Some old dude just rubs his ball sack

on the back of your head. That is a thing. Getting my hair cut, an absolute dream. You get your hair washed? No, not from this guy. Dude, no. That is the best.

I've only done it a few times. A woman rubbing my skull, shampooing the back of my head, No, but it is. That is the best. I've only done it a few times. Dude, I would recommend. A woman rubbing my skull, shampooing the back of my head. Instant boner. I mean, I won't get fully hard, but it's like I have the same sensation of sexual feelings and comfort at the same time. Dude. Like it's a full body massage without the discomfort. Did you have lice checks in school?

No, I went went to white school dude i'm sorry dude you didn't have lice checks no oh it was it was the best once a month so you get massage you like the lice look through your hair for lice yeah and it was like i loved it so much dude when you would get when you'd get like a really concerned mom like a mom whose kid had had lice yeah she doesn't want to come back into the house so she's picking bed bugs once she's delicately picking through your hair. It was like a dream. I remember every once in a while you'd get...

I never got lice, thank God. Once in a while you get like eight. The worst was if you got a dad. Yeah. Just doing this? It was one of those things where you had to volunteer for it. You know what I mean? Because it was like one of those things where you had to like, you know, it was like volunteer for it.

You know what I mean? Like you had to just fucking. Just scaring a beaver out from the drywall. That's the thing. He wouldn't even touch your head. Of course he wouldn't. He'd go and he'd go. You're fine.

And then move on and go, fuck, I got to wait another month. For a hot mom. Caress my scalp. For a concerned mother to touch my hair the way I needed to be touched. And dude, it was full i was in the chair it's like dude grow your hair out grow your hair long and get a haircut it is i thought you were gonna say get lice grow your hair out and get lice dude long hair down here someone pulling it like the way they

pull it yeah snip it yeah is i hear you the best feeling i hear you the most simplistic yet wonderful feeling that a woman can give me and now it's my lady obviously is dragging their nails oh softly and slowly on the back of the scalp. My God. It is a hug. It's an embrace. It is comforting. It's sensual yet basic

where it's almost like taking a kid with autism that's going to have a panic attack and handing him a samurai sword. He's going to be okay, bud. He's going to hold both hands on that sword and go...

Oh, yeah, dude. And just sit there for hours. Unsheathing. Yeah, the click of it. Dude, it is the best would you can she cut hair who your lady no i cut her you gotta teach her to cut dude oh i wish why don't you let me cut your hair i'll fucking give you this i should have i'll give you this emotion the whole time i was also like fucking i forgot that it was like easter you know what i mean yeah i was like i'll just get a cut tomorrow my parents were like nothing's gonna be open on easter sunday yeah i was like oh fuck especially around here dude yeah and so i had to like race over and just get my hair cut he did a great job

knock on the door some random ass dude yeah yeah he had his i swear to god he was like one of those guys it made me it did make me feel a little sad and also fortunate you know what i mean that we're like doing what we're doing this guy is like he's 80 years old and just still cutting hair he probably loves it man shaking yeah he might love it yeah true there's this there's this mainstay mentality where it's like people you feel bad for them for doing the same job but like you find something you love doesn't matter if it's monotonous to us guy might love cutting hair i love cutting hair yeah i love cutting lawns yeah i love that attention to detail and artistic approach where it's like i it matters to me i don't have a weed whacker i went around

all the edges ripping even the high grass that weren't weeds just cut them with my hands in glut with yeah yeah just because visually i want to make that perfect yes like cutting shane's hair for a special yeah because his first special he went to some fucking dominican dude i was like what are you doing i was fucking home he's like i don't know i thought it was gonna be a special thing so i had to get a haircut a dominican fell asleep while he's like i don't know i thought it's gonna be a special thing so i had to get a haircut a dominican fell asleep while he's cutting his first he went all the way up oh like he was enlisted he came home i was like what the fuck and he was like i know i'm gonna have to address it it's so funny having an hour that you've procreate or produce carefully crafted over crafted for an hour or a

year rather i'm sorry yeah yeah eight years his first was his first yeah yeah and then just going i'm gonna go to the stranger to buzz my fucking head dude and then figure it out and he had to write in a minute and a half up top yeah he took a minute and a half off his fucking eight year content to address his fucked up haircut it's crazy but that's how i am i can't like i don't know how to describe a haircut yeah so i was just like well you're very classic american yeah it's i don't well it's i it's only the only reason it is this way is because i don't know how to i don't know any other way to do it yeah i just go give me a regular cut well literally this time the guy who got out of the chair before me i went just give me that guy's haircut yeah hell yeah yeah that helps

yeah he's like all right done this 13 year old black kid yeah come out with dreads dude i went to a black barber shop in philly i've done this yeah i did it in uh yade in pennsylvania yeah dude my hair was as long as it was for the this last time yeah it was that shaggy and i was trying to get it down to this and they were like they just slowly they used clippers and just slowly buzz dude it was hot they had just opened and it was literally like it was it was it was i don't know if you've ever driven like with a dog in a car on a summer day where the hair is just like floating shut up dude this is how he's been since i got home but uh dude it was my hair. Like, you could breathe it in.

Avatar. Oconotar. This cat is needy. We're fucking recording, dude. Dude, he's been lonely. He's fucking so happy to see people. He's happy to see you. You're his favorite.

It's weird how cats don't have fucking names. Anyway. It is weird how, yeah. It's also just weird, like, cats, what are they, what are they thinking? They're kind of like snakes. I feel like you're a cat.

I feel like I look at Der, and he looks back at me the same way you look at me when I'm talking to you. Where he'll just... Yeah, like, is he experiencing this? Yeah. When he just waves his tail and walks away? I'll tell you something, and you're just going... I do feel a little bit cat-like now that...

And you just walk away, I'm like... Yeah. Did that hit or no? Yeah, it is that thing. You look me directly in the eyes and you're like, I feel like I'm upsetting him. Or you're having a conversation with a fake conversation somewhere else.

I do that shit with my girl. She'll be like, you know what I mean? And I'll be like, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then she'll ask me again because she sees my bullshit. Yes. Did you hear anything I said? What? Why are you doing this? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then she'll ask me again because she sees my bullshit. Yes. Did you hear anything I said?

What? Why the fuck? Why are you doing this? Yeah, was it important? Why are you doing this? And then she knows. That's when you get a little aggressive on the response. Was it quiz show now?

Yeah, yeah. I got to remember everything. Let me check my fucking pad. Oh, dude dude the ladies fucking how's your lady's hitch good she's good yeah i'm just i'm fired up i'm fired up about what i think this is still i think this is still just that you know you're still just adjusting to like i don't know everything? Just having someone else in your life is always... That is the thing when it's like you're so used to like just only having to really deal with your own feelings.

Yeah. And then someone else is having feelings and you start going like, Jesus Christ. Well, there's so many elements. I got a moment here. There's so many elements of what everybody does but like what we do is like you're focused on first of all you're you're uprooting yourself to a new location yeah you're trying to to get into a club which we are you're trying to find friendships in that club

yeah you're worried about the sets yeah you wear it every day you get new sets and you're like all right well what do i what am i going to do here who am i going to see who's going to be in the green room yeah so every time you open the green room you're like you're scared yeah there's there's influential people that matter you don't know if they're going to be watching yeah there's so many times you go to that club and you're like i'm gonna do this new eight minutes i've never said out of my fucking face you open the door rogan's like yo what's up dude and you're like what yeah yeah i'm gonna yeah not do that yeah it is it is and then you come home you can either great set or bad set yeah and then you're in bliss can't go to bed she said come to bed i bed. I'm like, I can't. Yeah. Can't sleep.

Not going to stare at the fucking ceiling. Oh, yeah. I want to pour a glass of wine. One glass of wine turns into four. That's six hours of intervention. Yeah. Then you go to sleep at fucking three, four. She's up at 10.

Well, welcome to the day the next day. You're like, well, I got to be up till two the next day. Yeah. I'm on night nurse shift yeah dude the i like it's been it's been long enough it's been it's been you do forget you forget like the now we're like back to doing shows basically every night you forget how because normally it's like or just in recent memory it it's been like, you do kind of like a big show.

Like you do a show that's like a weekend show and you like, you fucking go out and drink afterwards. It's like normal. Yeah. It's been a while since you do like the regular weekday thing and you're still like, it's like fucking Tuesday and you're vibrating with that like post-show energy, whether you bomb or whether you kill, you're kill, you're still just like... I think it's still that way even if you kill.

No, I'm saying whether you bomb or kill... Yeah, I'm saying whether you kill or kill, it's the same feeling as if you bombed. Because your introspection of introspective... Introspection? Yeah, yeah, the introspection. Yeah. Youpection of introspective introspection. Yeah, yeah. The introspection. Yeah.

You're being introspective. Yeah. Introspection. I feel like it's a little bit like when you kill, especially with new stuff. You walk over that? No, introspection. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. Okay. Now you may walk. When you kill, even especially with new stuff where you like, for some reason, it's like the most alive that you ever feel.

There's nothing like it. It really is like I get to live another day. Doing, killing new stuff in that place. Yeah. With the pressure you have of being new is like. It's the best. I'm going to walk home. Yeah, yeah. It's going gonna take me a day you bring your

trail shoes to the club i'm gonna steal a bottle of whiskey from the green room we're gonna walk home then you get home and you're like you hear something like the dishwasher's broke yeah like well fuck now everything's ruined every day there's something. Oh, no, dude. That's fine. Throw out the dishwasher. Baby, we're famous. Wait, the dishwasher broke? It never worked when I first got there. It's good now.

Okay. It's so funny to speak to the fans real quick. It's like I never knew, dude. I was 0 to 18 in my parents house philly literally 15 minutes down the road to drexel yeah 18 to 32 in philly 32 to 44 in new york yeah here i never had a dishwasher. Yeah. Ever. Yeah. Ever. I had one clothes washer was in the same room as my tub,

which was in the kitchen in my East Falls apartment. Yeah. Or East Village. Yeah. It's like the shit that I am so excited about. I got to be honest. Yeah yeah i'm having a hard time adjusting to the dishwasher because you want to fully wash it and then think you're gonna put it on a drying rack yeah and and there's like garbage disposal garbage disposal oh my god jesus christ i know i'm so glad i went to hell in this boot camp until the age i'm at because Because now it's like, 44 is like, I put the work in.

Yeah. I know how hard it is to get through that bullshit on zero dollars. Yeah. And how much work it takes to do simple things. Now I like the fucking

simple life. Yeah. It is nice, but it's hard to get rid of like the dishwasher. Because I don't know how to time it up. You know? You mean needing more dishes?

Yeah. You're like, you get to the end of the day, and it's like, some days there's not that many dishes in there, and you want to do them. Yeah. But you're like, this is crazy to run the dishwasher. Yeah, get in there, bud. Let's go. Oh, he's liking the cords.

Let's go. What a sweet baby boy. I just hung him. Let's kill your cat on air. He's going to nibble on that wire. Sit, will you? Come on. Take a seat.

Relax. Yes. This is the ending. This is the ending of the pod Just blissed out Look at this boy Look he's making biscuits on your knee I'll make biscuits on him

Doing a little kneading He's purring Yeah My buddy Alright well Yeah