Stuff Island - WOP Gorilla Glue w/ Carmen Lynch - Stuff Island #113

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Carmen on IG: https://www.instagram.com/carmencomedian/ Watch Carmen's special here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxPGfnOg4Bs Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com/stuffisland go to drsquatch.com/stuffisland to buy 3 soaps and get 3 free! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Also, peeing does have a, it's got a negative connotation. Peeing? Yeah, that's why I said it's sad, because you feel like you're letting people down. Because you're having to pee? Because you're always, yeah, like you're on the road or like you're drinking with your buddies, you're trying to get to another location, you're like, can I? Oh, dude, yeah. You know, like asking somebody to pull over at the next rest stop because you've got to pee?

Yeah, but then you notice everyone goes, oh yeah, thank God. Yeah, right. You know, like asking somebody to pull over at the next rest stop because you got to pee. So you just hold it in for a while. Oh, yeah. Thank God. Yeah. Everybody holds a urination shame. Yeah. I have urination shame. It was like a big problem for me as a kid.

Pissing and shitting. Because I didn't want to ever. Yeah. I just never wanted to leave. Like if the vibe was good with your friends. Yeah. I felt like if I left and come back, it's over. Yeah, that's true.. I just couldn't.

I'd just hold in shit for forever. It was like a real problem. I understand that, but that's so bad for you. Don't do it again. Get out of here. Holding in a month's worth of shit is bad? Do you need to go poo? No.

At some point, I don't know exactly when. You turned the opposite direction. Now you shit every hour. Now I piss your shit everywhere. On purpose. You're trying to make up for lost time. Yeah, I'll shit my pants right now. That's why you wear gray.

I'll shit. I'll prove it. I'll wear my fireball. You're wearing your shit onesie. Comedian's shit pants. When's the last time you shit yourself? Carmen, we do... Wait, are we recording this?

This is a good song. This is a history song Is it on? Yeah, it's on Just pull it to your head Closer What if I shat on myself? In Spain I almost did Really?

How long ago was that? Oh my god, like 10 or 15 years ago Mine's more recent Oh really? 10 or 15 minutes I think I just, yeah 10 seconds ago I can name that tune in 15 minutes, Pop.

You can share. No, no, you almost shit yourself in Spain. When I go to Spain, I have family in Spain. And when I go, I eat too much seafood. Yeah. And I think too much like shellfish. Yeah, your body's not ready for it. It's not ready.

You're not building that tolerance. And then I had to run. I barely, I mean, I'm telling you. Yeah. A lot of buttery sauces. Yeah. What do you run into like an open hole how did this i ran into a a restaurant like but there were so many hole in the wall like a little bar yeah and uh i was just like i'm going in there like i didn't even look at

them i was like i'm i see it i'm going do you feel bad when you walk into a bar like you have to use the restroom do you like you have to drink the restroom? Do you have to drink? I do that. Get a beer? No, I do that woman who has her period face, even if I don't have her period. I'll be like, and you don't have to say it. You just go, can I use your bathroom? Yeah.

And they're like, oh my God, she's going to bleed. Yeah. You can just put your purse in your shirt and be like, I'm pregnant. Oh my God. I have to shit. You don't even have to do that. I have to splatter seafood your shirt and be like, I'm pregnant. Oh, my God. I have to shit. You don't even have to do that. I have to shit seafood. I have to splatter seafood all over your drywall because I'm pregnant.

I've been asked if I was pregnant, and it was just shit. Like, I'm serious. What do you mean? Like, you know when you have to shit so bad, and I'm so tall. Yeah. You had a little bun belly? And I had a little food baby. Oh, my God. And the woman was like, are and i felt it so i went like this and and she's like are you pregnant and i go

oh and i you know i don't get mad because i you know how many times have we thought that about people yeah right everybody's pregnant these days yeah yeah so i was like oh i just need to deliver the baby i congratulated every fat woman. I'm like, congrats. Yeah, you just don't know. What number is this? And they're like, I don't know, number two. Or do you want to sit down on the subway? You're like, do you want to sit down?

You know, because you're pregnant. And she's just heavy, you know? So I was like this. And I was like, God, I need to shit. And she's like, are you pregnant? And I was like, I know it looks that way. She's like, well, you're holding it. And I'm like, it's my food baby.

Yeah, oh my God. It must have felt good. I just have to shit really bad. Just delivering something you don't have to feed for 18 years? Thank God it was poo and not a baby. It's a big old hairless, noseless piece of shit. I guess, yeah. I guess if you watch enough of those fat people shows,

that's a real, every shit's a roll of the dice. It could be a kid. Yeah, they don't know. That's true. Oh, yeah. The orca fat ladies that didn't know they were pregnant for nine months how do you not know though seriously like there's other symptoms yeah you know i think you're so fat there's like you're so impossibly fat yeah think about how much yeah you get all the nausea i mean i guess not every woman's the same But you stop getting Your period I don't know

Well if we're talking About the show Like TLC show Whatever the fuck it was Yeah yeah I mean they could have They could have three kids They could have one kid

With tits Yeah You could hide them anywhere The triceps could have a kid And they're probably Always nauseous And just That's right

Feeling uncomfortable Yeah And like gassy Yeah that's how I beat COVID I didn't know I had COVID Seven times I was always hungover. I'm like, this is what you're feeling.

You're feeling a little groggy. I do this every day. How many times have you had COVID? Who knows? You don't test anymore. Who gives a shit? My boyfriend just, I mean, I'm okay. I don't have it.

But my boyfriend had it last week. I don't care. Why would anyone care? I don't care. What is weird, though? Because weird though because like you know we're making out or whatever he's coughing on me yeah we're like well maybe we should try and get you tested and then it is and i'm like 2023 like you have covid yeah and then what who cares yeah that's true yeah if you're gonna go see like an ill parent or somebody that's on life preserve. Yeah.

This girl, I had a training session today with Ferg. And this girl comes in with a mask and she's doing heavy CrossFit training. And you can see her face going. And her mask is puffing out. It's like, I know the holiday's coming. You probably have a very ill, sick parent or some shit that you can't give it to them. Skip the training.

Right. Stay in. If you want to go see your parents, stay in. Or live your life and don't see your dumb, sick dad. Yeah. Yeah, just FaceTime. Wow, yeah. Call them on the phone.

FaceTime. Yeah. FaceTime is basically like being there. True. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have really close, intimate contact with people in person. So it's like FaceTime is the same. I feel like we've been hugging. We hug.

Yeah, yeah. You're a very emotionally available human being. I think you give yourself not enough credit. No, I mean. You're a lover. Yeah, yeah. I'm a lover. But you are. But physical contact wise. I mean, you're a lover. Yeah, yeah. I'm a lover. But you are.

But physical contact was. You let me jerk you off. It was just trying not to shit. Quarantine Christmas. Yeah. Beat you off in my mouth. Yeah. Oh, OK.

So where does she live? Upstairs. Oh, she lives upstairs. Yeah, yeah. I thought you said upstate. I was like, that's actual. Upstate. She's in Canada.

No. But you live upstairs with her? Yeah. I'm close with her. I don't know. She listens to a lot of music. I don't listen to music. Yeah. You also watch black and white movies.

She doesn't watch black and white movies. Oh my god, dude. I watched, you know, Meet Joe Black. Meet Joe Black's like my favorite movie. It's incredible. I don't think I've ever seen that. It's bad. You don't like it?

It's my favorite movie. Wait, it's bad? It's so bad it's good? It was rated one of the worst movies of all time. But I always loved it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always loved it. And last night I was watching it again, and I was like, this is-

So you took into consideration someone else's dog shit review, and then changed your perception on a movie that actually changed your life? No, no, no, no, no, no. You're a coward. No, no, no, no. Dude, I watch this movie like every six months. But this time, I just sat down, I watched it, and I was like, this doesn't make any sense i was like if i because i watched it as a kid and i just loved it and then i've been like kind of just always watching a little like and i just because it's got a nostalgic element to it

and i there's like there are really great scenes in it i just love it well guess what you watch wizard of oz at 44 you're like this doesn't make any fucking sense this movie sucks so many movies what the fuck is this nonsense it's black and white and then it's in color this bitch can only This doesn't make any fucking sense. This movie sucks. So many movies don't make sense. What the fuck is this nonsense? It's black and white and then it's in color. This bitch can only follow yellow roads. You're retarded. So many movies are bad now, though.

You know what I finally saw? This is embarrassing. I finally saw Beetlejuice. Oh, I love Beetlejuice. Yeah, but it doesn't hold up. I mean, I wouldn't know because I'd never seen it, but you can tell it doesn't hold up to what it used to hold up. If you try and watch a nostalgic movie that wasn't part of your childhood,

it's always dog shit. Yeah. Like, I watch, like, I don't know, Stand By Me or Platoon or, like, Little Shop of Horrors, all the things that we talk about in the 1986 movies. I get a feeling, I'm like, wow, what a great film. But, like, if you're, I don a feeling, I'm like, wow, what a great film. But like, if you're, I don't know,

23? Right. You're like, this is horrendous cinema. You know what, that was, people can't deal with the pace.

They can't deal with the slow, everything's slow. Because they weren't editing on like a fucking laptop. They were just literally like cutting film and stitching it together.

The amount of times they must have been just like, it's fine. What's that movie? You can't, you can't tighten it up. I'm of times they must have been just like, it's fine. What's that movie? You can't tighten it up. I'm not tightening it up again. But every movie could be like 30 minutes from like ages ago. Yeah. You took out the extra time. True.

What's that movie where he's like taking it off, boss? Taking it off, boss. He's in a prison? Shawshank Redemption? No. No, it's like a black and white. It's considered like one of the best movies of all time. Taking it off, boss? Yeah, he has a request taking off his jacket when he's like a black and white. It's considered one of the best movies of all time. Taking it off, boss? Yeah, he has a request taking off his jacket when he's digging holes in a prison.

Never heard, I don't know. Cool Hand Luke. Cool Hand Luke. Is that black and white? That's in color. The one where he eats the eggs? It's in color? Yeah, I'm pretty sure, yeah.

Anyway, I was told this is like a top Top like 50 of all time Dog shit I'm like this is horrendous This guy sucks I mean he's a good actor obviously Who is it? Doesn't matter Clint Eastwood

No, it's another one of those Paul Newman I watch it and I start to make a dressing This is so bad I want to mix some Oil and vinegar Yeah. I watch it and I started making dressing. This is so bad I want to mix some oil and vinegar. Well, that's the thing. Also, you were like going when you went to see a movie.

That was your day. Oh, yeah. They were not trying to get through it or really hold your attention. They were just like, this is a long thing. Just sit and watch. You're not going anywhere. Like Humphrey Bogart type shit? really hold your attention they were just like this is a long thing yeah sit and watch what you're not going anywhere yeah yeah like hunkery hunker bogart type shit yeah although there's

like one scene that's 35 minutes and just her like parading around a living room and he's like i'll tell you this darling you're being unreasonable and there's like three lines of dialogue for dirty it's like what the fuck are we watching or whatever that is yeah slap her right let's get this going it's the 50s dude i watched it i watched the movie today it's like new on netflix that uh horror movie yeah leave leave the world behind what did you think i saw that i didn't see it. It was like, I actually thought it was pretty good, but it's one of those movies where you're like, they're building the tension in this movie for so long, the ending is going to suck shit.

I just know the ending's going to be stupid. It was stupid, the ending. Yes, yeah, yeah. And it's like the same way people were watching Lost, and they were like, dude, I gotta, I'm of the finale, I gotta watch the finale. It's like, dude like dude they are not gonna wrap this up neatly they have no idea what they're doing yeah you could tell in season three they didn't know what the fuck was going on they're just making shit up because the executive producers need like a boat down payment and

they're just like make another one yeah could you imagine we'll figure it out you imagine if you're working on a tv show for like eight years? You'd be like, ugh. Yeah, just running out of ideas. Fuck these characters. Fuck this stupid. And now you've like. You should do. I figured out a name for your movie review. We had an idea that Christian uses anger to review movies.

Okay. For movie reviews. Siskel and Bert. Siskel and Bert. Siskel and Bert Bert I like it That is good Didn't get the reaction I wanted

That is good I like Cisco and Bert Yeah You're just taking the E out And you're Bert What did you think? You just didn't like the ending? I just

Honestly I fell asleep In parts of it Because it was kind of Slow It was late You fell asleep? I fell asleep a lot Physically? i fall asleep a lot i fall asleep a lot on the couch it's a problem yeah my boyfriend hates that yeah he's like will you just stay up

for this movie it is kind of cool but the problem is when you get to a certain my girl's the same way you get to a certain hour and she's like she's on the fence about picking something you're like i'm you're not going to finish this. I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now I have to go, I'm not going to watch that. Right. And neither will you.

So let me pick something I want to watch. Yes. Because you're just me napping on my lap. That's exactly what happens to us. Yeah. And you wake back up and you go, what happened? Yeah. And he's like, fuck off.

Like, I want to see the movie. You can watch it in the morning. And I'm like, I'm not, I'm never going to see this again. That's why I've seen so many first parts of movies yeah yeah I mean you gotta be a crazy person that fall asleep during a movie wake up and go I'm gonna catch it after breakfast finishing the movie you've seen me do that yeah yeah you've seen me do exactly that yeah yeah do you fall asleep at night too uh I usually will make it through a movie, but if I've seen it already, I don't have a problem passing out. But yeah, I'll finish a movie the next morning. Because sometimes I bite off more than I can chew a lot.

I step into like three. I'll put on like fucking Barry Lyndon at midnight. It's just like a four-hour, just got a guy's life falling apart. Well, it's documentary for you. Well, it's a documentary for you. Dude, Barry Lyndon is actually awesome. He's just a retarded Irish guy that, like... Redundant? Yeah.

No, but they really doubled that. He constantly fucks up. And then he winds up just being in British royalty just by falling ass backwards into stuff well it's kind of like mighty mighty python type humor right uh no it's like subtle just stuff it's like it's a serious movie it's a are you laughing because it shouldn't be funny no it is it's kubrick being funny like there's like a there's a thing where he's like he comes up in the british first of all he like he leaves home basically he leaves home in ireland for the first time is riding a

horse his mom gives her like all the money that she has which is like 20 pounds or whatever he's riding he stops a guy and like asks you guys for a glass of water. And, uh, and he like kind of looks like he's an idiot. So they just rob him later on this later on down the road. And then he joins the British army and fucks that up. And they wind up like, he ditches the British army. Cause he, yeah,

he ditches it. I'm, this is going on too long. This is like a five year old telling a story about what happened in school. Well, the funniest thing is he... And then Charlie, he gave me a block, and I used that block for... The funniest thing is he ditches the British Army, gets caught by the Prussians,

and then they try to make him a spy. And they're like, there's an Irish guy that we think is a spy. We want you to go meet him. Don't tell him that you're Irish or whatever. And the first thing he does is he's just like, he gets in front of this dude and he's just like, I'm Irish, man. And the guy's like, I'm Irish

too. And then he just becomes a spy for that guy. It's great. Do you have a description of a movie no one will watch nor give a fuck about? Barry Lyndon is so good. If you could take 10 minutes out of this podcast, that'd be great. Have you seen Father Ted? Have you guys seen Father Ted?

That movie's insane. It's a show. It's a series. Oh, really? I thought that was a movie with fucking. I don't watch black movies. Oh, I'm thinking of Father Stew. I'm thinking of Father Stew with fucking Mark Wahlberg.

Don't describe what it is. Wait, I saw that too. Don't describe what Father Stew is. We don't that too. Don't describe what Father Stu is. We don't have the energy. Father Stu is about this dude. Shut the fuck up. Oh my God. He gets out of jail.

So what's Father Ted? Father Ted is a series about three priests. It's British or Irish. That's why it made me think. I thought maybe you'd seen it. I think it's really old, but it's really funny. One's old and drunk and pisses on himself. I just figured you guys

probably knew that show father tom at it again father ted i know it's an old tv show old tv yeah yeah like sitcom yeah it's a sitcom no no no no but i've only seen like three because again i was asleep but dude i turned on father Ted my boyfriend is great it's like it's a it's like apparently a really good show from years ago well like uh British comedy like British I'm gonna give you a compliment right now okay I think you're brilliantly funny in terms of construction of jokes and there's a show that I love that kind of reminds me of you okay it's called Fleabag I love Fleabag. You know what? You're not the first person who sold me that. Fleabag is

one of the best comedies I've ever seen. It's amazing. Yeah. It's written and directed by the same woman. I think I only watched the first season. Phoebe something. It is so fucking good. British comedies in general are just insanely good. Yeah. But that, there's only been like

three or four comedy sitcoms I've recommended. And she was so smart to just have two seasons. Yeah. Because she's so talented. She's like, I want to do something else. And then she got all these jobs. She wrote for James Bond and all this stuff. She's really good.

I think it's Phoebe. I forget. She's really good. Awkwardly beautiful, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like something about... And it was really dark. Like, her best friend killed herself. Yeah.

She has a sexual tension with the priest. Yeah. Who's hot. Yeah, it was hot and disturbing. Yeah. It was really good. The best time. Sitting on the park bench the whole time,

you're like, he's going to fuck her. Yeah, he wanted to fuck her so bad. Yeah, God. I don't remember any of that show. I just remember that she ran that muffin shop or tried to open a muffin shop or something. Did you watch it or did you just... I watched...

I must have only seen a couple episodes. Yeah. I didn't stick to it. You would love it, dude. It's unbelievable. It happens to me all the time with comedies. I'll turn on... I'll watch something and I go,

this is amazing. And then I just stop watching it. Same. Same. But this one's different. I hate to use that word like dramedy yeah there's enough drama it is that's captivating that it's not just slapstick bullshit right every scene which gets tiring that's like a you know anthology where like you

just put it on you don't need to know the previous season this is different yeah you actually get invested in the characters yeah like every episode of It's Always Sunny I've seen is fantastic. I've maybe seen 10 episodes. It's crazy I've never seen one episode. Yeah. Me neither. There's too much right now. It stresses me out how much I want to see.

Yeah. You know, and you just can't get to it all. And if you tell me something to watch and it's on season 10, I'm not doing it. No, I'm not going to waste my time. I've already missed the boat. Yes. Unless it's like, oh, I watched, what are they? They're making meth in the desert.

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Bring the man back. One pint hard at a time. One pint. There you go. As he's shifting his glasses. That's a good exit. Oh, Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad.

I watched that like season six I started it. Yeah. Did you go back? Yeah. Oh, okay. And it was weird. Yeah. Because you're seeing like the evolution of film.

Six years is like technology. Yeah. It's like IT. It's like watching old episodes of Curb. More animation on a camcorder. Do you guys watch horror movies? Sometimes, yeah. Are you a big horror?

I love horror movies. What's your favorite? Probably Barbarian recently. That was really good. Barbarian? Yeah. I feel like I saw this. I think the widest kids you know wrote that one.

No. That's a horror? No, no, no, no. It came out like a year ago. What's, yeah. That's Conan. Not Conan the Barbarian. That's not a fucking horror, right?

Is it? What, Conan the Barbarian? Because Schwarzenegger's on steroids, it's a horror? His body is so freakish. I just want to see how long that gets for you. Oh, I was like, wow, he really doesn't get it. Wow, he's retarded. Wait, what happens in Barbarian?

It's a, I think it's a girl who goes to an Airbnb and realizes that it's already being used by someone else. And then they're like, well, we should just both stay here. And there's like a lot of sexual tension between them. Oh, yeah. And then they find something in the basement. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw that. Yeah, yeah. And then they find something in the basement. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see that? Yeah, it was good. The last horror I saw that I

liked was that girl that looks like she was created in a Petri dish and she just went... Is that... Is that Megan? No, I didn't see Megan. What's the well or whatever? The ring. The ring? No, not the ring. No, the ring was amazing. It's a girl that's goofy looking and she

would click and she got her head swiped off by a telephone pole. Oh, that's... Yeah, that's nuts. Oh, my God. Was that... You should know this. Yeah, I should know this. Did she lose it from a mailbox?

Yeah, her brother was driving. Yes. And she gets her head fucking knocked off. I saw that. What is that? When she's like in a trance. The head. Oh my God.

Something. She looks like, her face looks like you took parts of different animals. Yeah. I can't remember, but I know that.

She has like a goat's nose. Yeah, yeah. One of her eyes is from like a fucking, an alligator. Dude, I watched some movie with Shane where I think,

God, my memory is so fucking bad. There was a, it was a horror movie where where I think some dude fucks a goat. And then the goat has a baby. It's like a half. It's the story of Jesus. You're reading the Bible, dude. That's the old testament.

That is the Bible. That is the Bible. That's like all Greek mythology, too. Just some dude named Matt. And they were like, yo, you're brilliant. You just came up with that yourself. You're like, yeah, right. I think we should go with Matthew.

It's better. And they had a goat baby? Yeah, they had a goat baby. And then I think it just ended there. Hopefully this conversation will just end there. Yeah, that's the one I wanted more to hear more about. I think writing a horror is probably the easiest thing to do, right? Well, the thing about horror is that it's the deepest of all the genres.

Because every film school dude is a horror guy. Yeah. Every, and lady. They're all, every film school person is just trying to make horror. Because they love it. Because it's campy. And it's like all crazy. Well,

especially now the horror comedies are really in. Yes. Like happy death day to you or something. Did you see that? Happy death day. No, that was really good. Who's in happy death.

I don't remember. Just Adam Sandler. But yeah, they seem like they take like, there's one that's um what's the one that everything happens the same every day the same thing happens but it's a horror movie that's happy death day and so she's like going through the same thing or he's going through the same thing every day or maybe it's a girl trying not to die

trying not to die so they take like a comedy die another day isn't that what's fucking uh tom cruise that movie ruled that movie does rule uh i hated tom cruise until i saw that movie i was like yeah it's called like live die repeat its name got changed or something because they like they call the original name of the movie was like 9 11 and then 9 11 happened there was like something happened they had to change the name I gotta rename my daughter something else it was literally a color 9-11 how old's 9-11 now she's turning everything's great she's so tall. Taller than mom already. Yeah, that movie's fucking awesome. Tom Cruise. Sorry.

That's like an action movie, but Groundhog Day, where he can die and just keeps coming back at the start of the day and is figuring out a way through it. It's sick. It's good. I don't want to say any more. Are we done with the movie section? Yes.

What else do you want to talk about? No, I like it. I like it. It's proof that we have no... We don't prep for anything. Dude, I've like... I've had such a rough day. Let's go. We can talk about my special. We'll get there.

We can talk about your day. We'll get to your horror film. Okay. Wow. Is that a compliment? My YouTube algorithm's all messed up and everything i'm watching is stuff i don't understand i got down how many hours of television are you watching a day well the thing is in order to go to sleep i listen to just youtube shit so what about the day what are you doing in the day you're you're you're waking up and then just putting on the television and watching a film every day?

No, today I was like writing a bunch. And then I was meditating because I was having kind of like a panic attack. And then I watched that movie that fucking... Where do you meditate? What? Where do you meditate? Just in a chair. Today I did it just sitting in walk me through it what is your

process our fans would like to i put in i put in like noise cancellation yeah noise canceling headphones and i listen to like a meditation thing but how do you know this is the problem with meditation how do you know you're doing it right i always feel like i'm just sitting there yeah thinking about what i'm gonna do today yeah I think there's only two levels. You either do it right and you're like a weird freak that fingers teenagers in a camp or you're guys like this that think they're doing it and they're getting nothing out of it.

I never feel any satisfaction that I'm doing it right. No. He gets up and finishes a movie he didn't finish. He's not getting anything out of it. I'm trying to... Coming at out my brain a lot of different angles no i i you can't it's hard to do i think it is just like the whole exercise is just like seeing if you can pay attention to something yeah like one thing for as long as you can and it's incredibly hard because so basically when you do it are you supposed to just

constantly be interrupted by your thoughts because that's what happens to me like never ignore that but it's it's like i can't no i can't either i tried it once i went in the backyard yeah i went in the backyard i sat in a chair yeah because they said you put your bare feet on grass it'll help yeah you're supposed to everything has to be relaxed you can't like cross your arms but just sit there and i got you're supposed to start at like get to five minutes and then you get to like 15 then you can get to 20 or 30 a minute and a half it's like running on a treadmill yeah if i'm not staring at people on the street i can't run see i think it's the opposite i think you should start at like 30 minutes jesus you sit in the chair for 30 minutes yeah but because then you can because it takes

time like you're like like the whole the whole exercise as far as i understand it is like your brain is constantly vomiting fucking ideas and feelings at you. And it's hard not to just be like, yeah, and like run with a feeling or an idea of anxiety, of anger, of sadness or whatever. The whole exercise is to sit there and realize that you don't have to listen to it. So the idea will,

it'll throw a feeling or an idea or some fear into your head and you just can like watch it come up and let it go and watch it come up and let it go. So it's like this process of just like focusing, you know, people, you focus on your breath or like stuff like that. Yeah. I mean,

you're like dialing in, but the Wikipedia page for meditation, it's not, I understand what the process is. It's just hard. It's just a matter of like, are you what the process is. It's just hard. It's just a matter of like, are you doing that?

Yeah. How do you feel afterwards? Are you relaxed? And is it getting better? Like, are you better at it now? It always like, I, I,

I do it. And then I stopped doing it and I do it and I stopped doing it. Are you still meeting your girlfriend afterwards? It always goes through the same cycle where it's like, it starts to work really well. And then like, and then it stops working. And then Shane texts you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Or just like, or it's like, you know, your heart hurts because you're upset about something. And the people in your headphones are going like, think about your consciousness. Think about where, like, where where are you you'll find that

it's you're nowhere like there's no position in your brain that you're like experiencing life from and i'm like it's right here my heart is dying i'm dying yeah stop telling me i'm not feeling things yeah like the whole thing is supposed to be like escaping the trappings of like the self. And it's like, but I am me. So shut the fuck up. Help me deal with this. So that's where it eventually gets to. You're a pussy meditation god.

I'll fuck you up. Yeah. It starts, it starts where it's like I'm stressed. And then for like a, for like a month I'll be like, oh my God, I'm so in the zone. And I'm like, just, I'm like just I'm like I'm just letting things go and everything's good and then I start going back to like I'm just diluting myself into feeling good I'm just tricking myself into feeling good and I'm not doing anything that's what I feel all the time I feel like I'm tricking myself and then I go well that was 10 minutes and I'm like yeah

but I thought about my you know what I'm I'm going to do today the whole time. Yes. I feel like you would have to be like learning another language. Like you would have to take yourself to like a camp or a teacher. You'd have to go for a week to learn and study what someone actually knows what they're doing. Otherwise, you're just going, I think I'm doing it right. Or you just have to be like, yeah, like a silent retreat. But then you have no distractions.

Like to meditate, I think in the real world is really hard yeah but if you learn the process with no distractions you can then i don't know formulate a plan to translate that to your distractive world yeah i mean again the whole exercise is to just be like really present and just focused on like something in front of you it's like a focused it's almost like isolated therapy like i would need a therapist to tell me what i'm doing wrong or how i'm thinking is wrong without using that language i'm sure that would be very negative but and then once you learn the lessons of, you can then instill like a therapeutic mindset so that when you experience certain relationships or altercations, you can then use that knowledge that you learned

from someone that's been studying for 20, 30 years. I just have a weird feeling of like, I'm just going to start meditation. I'm just going to start meditation. Yeah. I'm just going to watch a YouTube clip of how to sit in a fucking yard. Yes. I'd rather watch a YouTube clip or journal. Journaling helps.

Yeah. That sounds good. You just have to make sure you hide the journal. Yes. Or what are you saying? Are you saying shit about your boyfriend? No, no, no, no. Just in general.

Not him, but just in general. Like, you know, I have a stack now of journals. Really? Of just your open, free-form feelings? Of my open, free, yeah. And I used to write it in really messy handwriting in case someone found it. But then I just started writing it regularly. And now I'm like, I gotta hide this shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's like, a lot of times it's just, it's emotional just dumping. It's just emotional. Like, I feel like this. It's just emotional like I feel like this.

It's not really about anyone else. That's how I see masturbation, to be honest with you. I bet you that finishing a journal is like me coming. Yes. It's like throw another stack on the fucking... Another book on the stack. I'm going to beat off, get rid of this. Yeah.

Well, it is kind of like meditation because you're focusing. So if you're masturbating, you don't need to meditate. You're fine. That's what I'm saying. I'm perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not building the same type of architecture in your brain. I rent another apartment for all my masturbation books.

There's a whole shed of journals full of them. Wow cum wow yeah i hope no one finds those yeah let's name my special journals full of cum yeah yeah just full of cum the best part is so much i've learned nothing about myself they just come in my journal i sit down to write and better myself like you know what fuck this well the best part is it's you don't need a lock on it yeah yeah can't open it wop gorilla glue there you go for the pot so tell us about your special oh um i did it in the cellar what now's the time now's the time queef week it's on youtube on mark norman's youtube hell yeah and uh who's that that guy you know queef um jews

that was good and uh yeah so it's on there it came out last week and then i released a spanish one a couple days later oh sick um but that one's on a Spanish streamer. That's not on his YouTube. Yeah, and... You released a special in Spanish? Yeah, I went to Spain. Well, I've been doing Spanish comedy for a while, so I went to Spain to see my family,

and then I recorded it. Are you first generation? Your parents are from Spain? My mother is. Yeah, yeah, and I grew up there until I was eight. Oh, nice. So I've just been doing Spanish stand-up for like the last 10 years. Yeah.

Just going over because there's none here. Really? There's not that much? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did his podcast. He's very good. He speaks very well.

Fluent? Yeah, very fluent. I had to tell you that word. Are there any words in Spanish that you just like, that word's so perfect comedically and I can't do this joke in English because it doesn't work? It's more the opposite. Like Spanish people have a lot of long, like I'll be like, how do you say that?

And they'll be like, and I'm like, I can't say all that. That's going to ruin the joke. That's going to, like, they're going to fall asleep. That's 10 minutes of one word. Like it doesn't work that way. Chris is trying to say English is the most concise. It's the best language.

How much longer do you think Spanish has? I don't know, but they're using a lot. They're using a lot of... They're breathing forever. We have to rub genitals a lot more to beat them. They're lapping us right now. They're still going to come around to English. We have to rub genitals a lot more to beat them. But still. They're lapping us right now. They're still going to come around to English.

Because you can bring as much Spanish as you want. They already are, though. They already are. Really? They use so many, so many English words. Yes, we're the best. It's just the internet changed everything. And so now everything is like,

¿Cómo te gusta el Twitter y Facebook? Yeah. It's all like that yeah yeah that bothers the shit out of me oh me too in every language not just

Spanish it'll just like pick any word that's like on the internet yeah you know you used to see

some hot girl and she's like black see we did the Instagram you're like what did you say? It's disgusting.

Your boobs are out. Get out of here. Or your followers. Your followers. I'm sorry. Your followers. Yeah. Your followers.

Yeah. You know, like, like where it's like, you have a word for followers. Seguidores. But they say followers, you know, or whatever. Because they're followers. They are followers. The newest generation of dead brain kids Absorbing American English

I guess I don't know It's just Spanglish Total Spanglish Dude English is a mutt language It's going to take over everything It can't be stopped It'll never Why would you speak another language?

Nordic? Those guys need to just give it up. What are they doing up there? Let's rank the ugliest. We've already done this, right? Yeah, German. Arab. Arab is terrible.

The ugliest person? No, ugliest sounding language. Oh, ugly sounding. I was going to say that was getting very racist. Yeah, yeah. Arabic. It sounds like a pigeon with a Jolly Rancher under its tongue. It's mayhem.

Yeah. German. And the alphabet. German is close, though. It's very close. Yeah. German's very bad. German might go one just because of...

Sorted past After that I would go Nordic Nordic is very harsh No I'd go Russian Russian's gross Chinese is gross Oh yeah I would say Chinese is up there

It's silverware and a dryer That's good wearing a dryer. That's good. What is happening in there? Dude, yeah, what are you doing? It's like the third time he's dropped something. What the fuck is he doing? Jumping jacks? Get a phone in your sweats? No, I think

yeah. Okay, what's before that then? What's... You mean next? Yeah, what's before that then? What's... You mean next? Yeah, what's next? Hmm. Everything else starts to get really beautiful. I know.

And then French and Italian are top. French and Italian is beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful. English is... You know, Gaelic is dog shit. Gaelic is insane. It's hideous. Gaelic is dog shit. Gaelic is insane. It's hideous. Gaelic.

People act like it's beautiful. Cause they have some like 13 year old abused woman. That's pregnant singing with a guitar in a bar, but it's really hideous. What? Irish music. Gaelic. Like folk music.

Yeah. It's the origins of folk music. Walk into a bar in fucking Delco and they're playing that shit at a happy hour. Walk the fuck out. Now I'm into it. What a white trash town

to do that in. Yeah, it's bad. But in Ireland it was sick. Yeah, it was sick for three minutes. It was very cool. It's all about drinking whiskey and stuff.

Yeah, it's all bad things happening in British beat in the shit out of you. It's Irish hack music. I remember the Irish word for photography was 10 pages long. It's just like, what were you doing?

This is a new word. 30 letters. This word could only be 100 years old. Like, it's photography. 78 characters. How does does language this is gonna be ridiculous oh my god but like who establishes words latin oh yeah latin but like the guys were like all right here's what this means yeah it's just a crew well that's why that's why english is the best because they were just like we can't do that because it's not a real language.

It's just a mutt of other languages. It's part French. It's part Latin. It's part just fucking whatever was going on with the Vikings. Europa. It's a fucking mess. Yeah, yeah. So they just were like, here are the words now.

That's why people get mad and they're like, Google's a word now? It's like, yeah, dude. Everyone's using it. And then they're like google's a word now it's like yeah dude everyone's using it and then they add like a spanish verb so it's google that's hot you like that come on sounds like they got shot no i like it i like it so how much longer let's say you do What's weird is we just go Tokyo. It's like there's no way Tokyo is Tokyo. In Tokyo, it's not Tokyo. Exactly.

So who's the guy that did that? That's crazy British Empire stuff. Yeah. Yeah, it's all slavery. Like what's Tokyo? What is Tokyo? In Spanish, Tokyo. Yeah. Yo, Tokyo. Taco Bell. crazy british empire stuff yeah yeah it's all slavery like what's tokyo what is tokyo spanish yeah they just took the british's lead on that spanish is hot though when it's when it's done right does it bug you when you're at like at a restaurant and someone will be like

yeah can i get the burritos yeah i fucking hate it yeah that's yeah it's like a fake wop like ordering burritos but it is weird to be like if i was in spain to be like instead of can i get the paella i'd be like can i get the paella yeah no but you're dead if it's no yeah if it's in your lineage and dna you should do it if you can. Yeah. Don't pretend to speak it if you don't. Right, right, right. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's weird. If you're like, if you can speak it fluently

and you're intentionally Americanizing it just so you don't, so someone can't be like, you fucking loser. If I go to a friend, I'm like, yeah, give me the caramel

dilletti. But I've totally done that. Where I'd be like, can I have the flan? Yeah. Extra caramel, you bitch. It's every time i go to a nice restaurant is me just butchering words but also that's on them dude you know what i mean yeah it's the when in rome shit if you're in america and you have like this very i don't know romantic secretive little place that is trying to represent another corner of the world.

And then you have a menu that I can't fucking read. Yeah. Right. Why are you doing that? Because you want me to butcher this so everybody can have a laugh? Also, the waitress is from my hometown, too. Right. Now we're just laughing at each other.

Yes. So then she has to go, I know, just say, just point. It's out of the parpadella. That's why the fucking Chinese did it right. They were like, these blacks can't figure out how to say this shit. Put a number on it.

They're like, yo, let me get that 15. Get that 15, John. They got to spin it around the bulletproof carousel. This is my experience in Philly. Yeah. Blacks and Asians hate each other. Getting a lot of bulletproof Chinese food. I read a lot of history on the black and Asian.

Yeah? Yeah, the history, the violence. It's just the same thing with every race. Yeah. Irish and Italians in our ports. Yes. New York, Philly, Boston They hate each other because you're just

Grouped in a certain space You gotta fight for your space And unlike the Irish and Italians Who just hate each other so much they fucked And then made a whole new race Which is 90% of Philadelphia, Boston And parts of New York The Chinese and Asians decided to just

Kill each other Which is nice because it keeps the numbers down Jesus Christ and parts of New York, the Chinese and Asians decided to just kill each other. Right, right. Which is nice, because it keeps the numbers down. Jesus Christ. Population control. Population control. Yeah, it's better. Population control!

Now they're fucking and creating the hottest people in the world. Oh, 100%. I dated a Malaysian. Her dad was a Vietnam vet. She was the craziest bitch in the world. She was a Ford model. I made it craziest bitch in the world she was a ford model i did i made it nine months should have been nine hours yeah she was so hot i was like i'm gonna try and work through this yeah yeah but those interracials they really they come out really nice oh god yeah

i mean you can't miss come on let's go just black and white, right? Yeah. No matter what they look like. They're probably the most attractive. She's built like a mailbox. Yeah. He's tall and slender. That kid comes out like a fucking dime. Incredible hair. They got eyes for a hair magazine.

Yeah. Do you think the DNA is literally in there being like, we haven't seen you guys in forever? Good job. This is an airtime control person. You should have seen the people we're trying to mate with, dude. It's been fucking chaos. You took a left, I took a right.

Yeah, we got black sperm requesting a flyby. That's a no-go, guys. That's true, though. Yeah, no matter what they look like. Like, even, like, say, like, Megan and Harry. I mean, he's got red hair and she's black. Yeah. They're going to be so cool.

Yeah, yeah. Well, she's half black. Oh, that's true. And he's 100% terrible. Maybe that's the one exception. That kid's going to be ugly as shit. I hope he has horns. Yeah.

Fuck the family. The royal family can suck my brain. The royal shit. It's so stupid, but I do like watching the crown though. The 2023, we have a royal family. Yeah. Kick that queen into a fucking wood chipper. I wish she was alive again so she could die a second time.

Fuck her. She's like George Steinbrenner to me, dude. I hope they keep coming back So you can watch him die again Now there's a king Right? Charles Yeah they're gonna They're so

Yeah shut the fuck up Nobody respects them Yeah Who cares? What do you think will last longer Spanish or the royal family? Longer Spanish Yeah Spanish

Spanish language? Yeah I can't believe they still do the royal family. I mean... I guess people... Yeah. I almost feel like, at this point, the royal family has to be like

Comedy Central executives giving a second season to a dog shit show so their heads don't roll. Said this before. Yeah. It's just, for lack of accountability, they have to go, we have to keep doing this.

We know it's wrong. We can't break it down. What are we going to do with all these boring, rich whores? Can't just open the gate and let them be regular. But even the show, The Crown, they call it the system. They know it's a system. Yeah, of course. It's not a real thing.

It's all a system. So is America. Yeah. This is all a system. We got our heads of state Raping babies Drinking their blood It's a conspiracy

That's what I'm seeing You want to talk about Horror movies It is crazy Open your eyes Oh my god It is upsetting When I think about

Just like All the kids being murdered Yeah Sex trafficking No but just like Pizzagate being murdered? Yeah. Sex trafficking? No, but just like... Pizzagate? How long do they stay in there? You know?

In where? Politicians. Just like... Oh, like Mitch McConnell? Yeah, yeah. Or like fucking Nancy Pelosi and stuff. Yeah, dude, they're vampires. They're robots.

I can't imagine. That's like the scariest part about getting old in some ways for me it's just like you're gonna just look at the news it's gonna be the same people yeah that is pretty crazy yeah you shouldn't be able to be a president if you're over 50 years old the problem is the system is is so exclusive yet intrusive yet incestuous just like acting that you have to be in that cesspool of crime yeah and regulation and like just dirty fucking play to get the opportunity to become like a governor of your state yeah yeah and then by that point you put 25 years in everyone in that little pod is going to do whatever it takes to get this new guy that actually gives a shit about making change.

He has no shot. There's a young up and coming person somewhere in some area that truly wants to make a difference. Do you think the government has gotten more corrupt or it's just always been this corrupt? It's always been this bad. I think since post-World War II. World War I. I think it's always been pretty corrupt. It probably has.

I mean, yeah. Dude, there's conspiracies. You go back to fucking pyramid days. These people. Not even conspiracies. It's just like I think. Pharaohs. It's all control.

It's all power. It's all money. It's all sex. Yeah. It's just out more now. Now it's out more. We know more. Yeah yeah i've seen some videos that i shouldn't have seen tell us i think there's also a thing too where hillary's watching

now now because everyone is like commenting on social media like i feel it used to be like there was a shitty politician and you go that guy sucks and you wouldn't really know who liked him or didn't like him yeah but now everyone's like vomiting forth their opinions and being like i like this guy i like that guy so then i feel like you start to hold person like people accountable for just the shitty guy. Like lump. So that's just technology because before we couldn't voice our opinion. Yeah, you didn't know who liked anybody. It's the reason why some comics sell out theaters

if they're doing some TikTok bullshit. Politicians are just IG thoughts. Now they are, yeah. They're getting exposure. It's like Bernie was the ugliest IG thought in the world. That guy, I believed him. I thought he could do something. Because he spent literally 50, 60 years in the trenches trying to make change.

He just didn't have the charisma and the face. And he probably didn't play by the rules. I would rather him throw up his Jewish bullshit every fucking day. Than see these robots that are being fed nonsense. Now I had to throw Jewish in there. He's so violently Jewish, it's hilarious. bullshit every fucking day. Yeah, he was like... Then see these robots that are being fed nonsense. Yeah, yeah. Now I had to throw Jewish in there. He's so violently Jewish,

it's hilarious. He's a Jew in Vermont. He's like a Seinfeld character. He's Larry David. Yeah, it is Larry David. That's what I was thinking of. Yeah, Larry David. Yeah, I don't know.

I gotta pee. I just, I can't imagine a whole life of this. So if you could get rid of like social media and it would take care of all wiping out all these problems i think people i think people would hate each other less that's what i think because you could direct your like you need scapegoats yeah and there's too many people that you it's like i feel like you start you start the the nation hates itself because everyone can see what everyone thinks too much yeah or they think

they can what's that word we're voyeur we're voyeurs yeah voyeuristic yeah yeah i don't know. I stopped looking at it. I can't, I can't look at it. Look at what? Just politics. Yeah. It's too overwhelming. Well, even the news isn't real anymore. It's just opinions. So you're not really missing anything. Yeah. And you got to spend so much time just, you'd have to devote your entire life to educating yourself about something to, to then still lose every argument because someone else has like a whole, they're looking at a whole different universe of politics.

Yeah. So you're just like, you can't even, you can't even agree on like a base set of facts to then have a discussion about. It's just, you spend all the whole time being like well this is what i heard and that person goes this is what i heard and then you just yeah but where do you go

from there like how does it ever get better because it's it's only gonna get worse i don't know this is what i always felt like fucking no sci-fi movie has like is like just like if you use Star Wars or anything like that, there's no news. Yeah. That's funny to me. Like in Dune, they're not dealing with fucking social media. There's a problem. That's true.

All the problems are about the force and a relationship with the dad. No one's like, the fucking TMZ said I was gay. John LaHunt was showing his slimy dick. Dude was nude all the time. Trying to fuck all the young hotties. Larry David of space.

That would be a great... I mean, it would be probably boring. What do you think Jabba the Hutt's nationality was? I don't know. He's like... Persian? Bantha or something like that. You know Persian is Iranian.

Is it? Yeah. You say that like you're so... I just looked it up in the bathroom. Just took a piss. Where's Persian? You just figured it out. So where can we see your special? YouTube.

Mark Norman's YouTube channel. I just want to plug it one more time. Thank you. It's at CarmenComedian for all socials. It's being watched. Please watch it. You're an incredible comic.

Thank you. I remember sitting with you when I first moved to New York. I was in Caroline's. It was the first club that passed me. Yeah. And it was like, the group was, I think I was only like four years in.

I was very scared. Was this on one of Linda Smith's shows? Yes. Yeah. Do you remember this? Those are the only ones I ever did. So it was me, you list Norman cannon.

Um, who else was in the crew samorelle this was all on on linda's show no i'm just saying like this was a crew that i like they kept coming in yeah yeah chris stefano yeah so it was like chris was there a lot yeah and you were on the show and i hosted this show and you were sitting next to me and the one comic ahead of us I didn't know and I leaned into you and I didn't know you that well and I was like what if I just say give it up for Adderall and you laughed and cried and I was like

fucking got her dude you're like I'm funny he gave me some New York things he gave me so much confidence I was like oh shit How many years ago was that? Damn 10 Okay

8 Yeah yeah Easy 8 to 10 And you had moved it from where? Philly Okay Yeah Damn that actually sounds kind of familiar

Because nobody says that It was probably 2014 2015 Right around that area That was the only good show Like I love doing that show Yeah It was a great show It was like a Tuesday night Yeah It was always packed Right 2015. Right around that area. That was the only good show. I love doing that show. Yeah. It was a great show.

It was like a Tuesday night. Yeah. It was always packed. Right. Lineups were great. Linda was great. Linda was fucking fantastic. What happened to her?

What did she do? I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea. Linda Smith. She might teach Spanish. She's probably writing for something. She probably is. Or just chilled, like chilling, retired probably

Happy? Yeah, she's probably happy Imagine what it would be like to be happy Doing nothing, chilling out I couldn't do it either That's meditation to me I don't want to touch it I don't want to touch happiness

I want to live in my old miserable boot. Yeah. How do you do nothing in New York, though? It's hard. Like, there's so much. I feel like there's so much pressure here to get off your ass. Yes. That's why I can't leave here.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why I can't go to Austin. I'll die in a basement. There's nothing to do. It's crazy. I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I'll tell you. There's nothing to do. It's crazy. I don't know. What do you mean you don't know?

I'll tell you. There's nothing to do. Yeah, I wonder if things close early there. Does Texas have, like, blue laws? I don't know. I don't know. What does that mean? Like, you've got to close, like, all the bars close at 1230.

Dude, there's no, yeah, you can't like, I don't know, there's no seamless. You can't walk outside at midnight and just go grab a bite somewhere. Have you gone down there a lot? I've only been there like five times, six times. I just went there two weeks ago. Okay. To see Shane. Oh, cool.

Before we went on the road. It's nice to be with him and chill with him and his pod. But he's out in the burbs a little bit though, isn't he? No, he's 20, everything's 20 minutes away. No matter where you're at yeah yeah it's like 20 minutes 20 minutes yes yeah but it's just but it's got a chill vibe that like la would but better probably yeah i need to walk 30 minutes to get to a coffee shop and it was like i had to cross like three highways oh yeah they got oh they got like a jersey-style highway situation going on where it's like not a highway.

It's like it's just a road, but there's a fucking... For us, it would be the comedy club and then back to whatever cesspool apartment we'd be living in. Yeah, that was a nice pull, dude. Sounds pretty sick. Nah, it sounds like hell. Anyway, Carmen, thank you thank you guys thanks so much

we're gonna do it we're another hour alright I'm gonna do Patreon I didn't know how to dismount that so