Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz - 10/1/23 Tough Love: Because He Asked Me To

Episode Date: September 30, 2023

Homily from the Twenty-sixth Sunday in Ordinary Time. The freedom to love when you no longer feel like it. The precondition for love is freedom. Both the freedom to say no and the freedom to say yes, regardless of passing moods or circumstances. Tough love is willing to choose the good because God asked us to and because we said we would. Mass Readings from October 1, 2023: Ezekiel 18:25-28 Psalms 25:4-9Phillipians 2:1-11 Matthew 21:28-32

Welcome to Sunday homilies with me, Father Mike Schmitz. I hope today's homily inspires and motivates you, and I also hope that it leaves you hungry for the one who gave everything to feed you. If you want to get this and other Sunday Mass resources sent straight to your inbox, sign up at ascensionpress.com slash Sunday, or by texting Sunday to 33777.7. You can also follow or subscribe on your podcast app for weekly notifications. God bless.

The Lord be with you. A reading from the Holy Gospel according to Matthew Chapter 21, verse 28 through 32. Jesus said to the chief priests and elders of the people, what is your opinion? A man had two sons. He came to the first and said, Son, go out and work in the vineyard today. He said in reply, I will not,

but afterwards changed his mind and went. The man came to the other son and gave him the same order. He said in reply, yes, sir, but did not go. Which of the two did his father's will? They answered the first. Jesus said to them, amen. I say to you, tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. When John came to you in the way of righteousness, you did not believe him, but tax collectors

and prostitutes did. Yet even when you saw that, you did not later change your minds and believe him. The gospel of the Lord. Wait you to have a seat. So, as I was saying, you know, sometimes you watch a movie and you realize that there is, you weren't expecting to like have a life lesson out of, you know, this, what can just normally be like a silly little movie. There was this movie back not too long ago called Dan in Real Life.

I don't know if you saw it Dan in Real Life. It stars Steve Carell was the star. And I remember I love The Office, so I'll watch everything Steve Carell does. And it's kind of this, it's kind of this cute, kind of funny, romantic comedy kind of a story where Steve Carell, he has, I think his name is, well, his name's Dan. And I think his name's Dan Burns. and he's a widower and he has three daughters. And at one point, they go away for this kind of weekend

with the rest of the family. And the oldest daughter is dating this boy, and Steve Carrell's character doesn't really like this a lot, and the boy tracks down the whole family. And he's like, he's sending this boyfriend back to his family. And he's putting him in the car, and he's like, listen, what's going to happen is you're going to get over this feeling at some point. And that's when this young man looks at the dad,

and he says, Mr. Burns, love isn't a feeling. It's an ability. I remember pulling out my notebook, oh, that'll preach. Because I was like, that's gold. That is true. You know, we've been doing this series for, this is the fourth week of doing this series, tough love. And we talked all about how, yeah, love is a decision, love is a choice, love is an ability. And the crazy thing is, it's so true that love is an ability, that it also is true

that some people do not have that ability. If love is an ability, it's true that some people are incapable, as they are, of love. We'll get back to that and just say. second. But, you know, for the last couple weeks, we've been talking about how, yeah, tough love is sometimes tough love says what needs to be said. It's going to say that hard truth that someone needs to hear. Sometimes tough love is allowing someone to experience the consequences of their choices. Sometimes tough love is being willing to accept on yourself the consequences of someone else's choices. And sometimes tough love is refusing to resent another person in their gifts,

but instead rejoicing in their gifts and receiving the love God has for you. But I would say that the most central aspect of tough love, and in fact, even the hardest part of tough love, is something even deeper. I would say this tough love is the ability. It's the power to love even when I don't want to. The most central part of tough love is that it's the ability, it's the power to love even when I don't feel like it.

It's the ability to love regardless. Remember we talked about this how the definition of love is love is willing the good of the other? Imagine what it would be like if you had the ability to do that regardless of changing moods or changing circumstances. Like to honestly have the ability to love the people around us regardless of how we felt. To will their good consistently regardless of how we were doing. Or even this, to be able to love God regardless. You know, it's interesting because love is willing the good of the other.

that's how we love other people, but that's actually not how we love God, because God is good. He doesn't need anything from us, and so we don't will the good of God. The way we love God is very simple. Jesus makes it very clear in the Gospel of John. He says, if you love God, you'll obey His commandments. That's it. That's how we love God. We love God by obeying His commandments. We love God by basically doing what he asked.

We love God by doing what he asked. In fact, I think about this, especially as it relates to the gospel today, we love God because he asked us to. I think here's the father, and he sends his two sons out into the vineyard. Now, we know how the story goes. He asks them both. One says yes, doesn't go. One says no, it does go.

But the reality is, if they end up in the field, if either of them end up in the field, they're only in the field for one reason. They're only going to be in the field for one reason. And that reason is because the father asked them to be in the field. That's it. We kind of get the impression that neither of them are really inclined. to go in the field on their own, they're only going to be, if they end up in the field, the only reason they're ever going to be in that field is because the father asked them to.

And this is the key for love. I'm doing this. Why? Because you asked me to. You know, I think it's really fascinating about this story. We've been kind of reflecting on it for the couple weeks leading into this. What's fascinating is that one of the sons says yes and one of the sons says no, and it seems, and we got that. You heard the story. But it seems like the father accepts both of their answers. I don't know if you noted that. If you caught that, it seems like when the one son says no,

it seems like the father's like, okay, that's your answer. Now, don't get me wrong. I would, there's a right answer. It's not like any answer is fine. The right answer is doing what the father says. But the crazy thing is that both sons were free to say no. And this is so important. I would say this.

The necessary precondition for love is freedom. A necessary precondition for love is the freedom to say no. Because we know this. Freedom is a precondition for any meaningful yes. If I can't say no, then what does my yes mean? If I actually can't say no, my yes means nothing. If I can't say no to love, then I actually am not loving because I'm not free. And this might be some of us.

I would say this. The necessary precondition for love is the ability to say no. If you can't say no, then you can't love. If I can't say no, then I can't love. which may be difficult for us because I think many of us, maybe just some of us, but I think maybe many of us don't actually know how to do that. We don't actually know how to say no. And some of us are like this.

Some of us, we suffer from good kid syndrome. You know what good kid syndrome is? Good kid syndrome is that you're the kind of kid who's like you're growing up and you do what you're told. You do what you're asked to do. You do what people's tell you to do. And you just say yes. And I know somebody by looking at some people's faces that are like, yep, that's me. I suffer from GKS every day.

Like that the problem with GKS, a problem with good kid syndrome of not being able to say no is it works. Man, people like you. You say yes all the time. You don't say no. People appreciate it. It can actually kind of get you far. The problem is if I can't say no, what does my yes mean? I can't say no, I'm not actually free.

If I can't say no, my yes is one born of fear. I'm afraid. if I say no, will they stop loving me? So much of our inability to say no is fear. Not only fear if they stop loving me, but also, how about this? Fear of what if I'm not going to say no, I'm not going to say yes. I'm also not going to say no because I want to keep my options open. I don't want to commit either way.

I don't want to say yes. I don't want to say no. I have this fear of missing out. Sometimes we have that fear of missing out, so I'm not going to say no. Or sometimes it's like if I say no, I might make the wrong decision. And I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. So I'm just incapable of saying, know. But remember this. If love is an ability, part of that ability is being able to say no.

If love is an ability, part of that ability is being able to decide. You know, we kept saying over the course of this series, two things. We've been saying that love is a decision, right? Love is a choice. We've also been saying that love always involves sacrifice. Both of those things are true. because the very nature of a decision is it's a sacrifice. And in order to say yes to one thing, I am saying no to a bunch of other options. The very nature of decision is it to sacrifice. In fact, literally, the word decide means to cut off.

So if you and I are going to have the freedom to love, we have to have the ability to decide, or else we actually won't be free to love. Now, a little pause on this, pro tip. When it comes to deciding, here's some tips for wise decision making. Just think about this. Think steps, not leaps. This is wise decision making 101.

Right, so wise decision making 101 is steps, not leaps. So, like, I met this person. We went on one date. We're getting married. That's a leap. Don't do that. Not wise. Unwise.

Unwise. But, like, wise steps, not leaps, looks like, we're going on dates. and to people on the outside, it might look like, wow, you're jumping into this. No, we are stepping into this. Like, that's wise. Steps, not leaps. With the Lord, too. Here's something I know.

Here's something I know about your life. God has a plan for your life. What I know about your life is God. God has a vision for what he's calling you. There's a vineyard he wants you to enter into. There is a mission that God has for you. That's a big mission. It's a capital M mission.

It's a capital V vineyard. It is a capital V vocation. God has an incredible plan for your life. And sometimes people are like, I just want to leap into that. No. Step. You probably, you probably, the chances that between now and tomorrow, God's going to reveal that big M mission, the big Vocation to you, is very minimum.

But the chances that God will ask you to give a micro no or a mini yes to him is absolutely certain. So rather than launching, leaping into the vineyard, no, take the step to just. commit to prayer tonight or commit to prayer tomorrow. That's it just that step. Because we're talking steps, not leaps. To be able to give those micro-nose means we're developing more and more the ability to love, because love is an ability. So I have to have. I must have the freedom to say no. But then I need a different kind of freedom. First I need the freedom to say no. But then I need the freedom to say no. But then I need the freedom to say yes. And the freedom to say yes regardless. Once again, just go back over this. The freedom to love, the power to love, the ability to love means that I must first have the

freedom, the power, the ability to say no, to decide. But then once the decision's been made, I need a new kind of freedom. I need the freedom, the power, the ability to do what I said I would do. After you've made the decision, I need a new freedom and the freedom to do what I said I would do. Because why? Because that's what love is. Love is I'm here because you ask me to and because I said I would. Love is I'm here because you asked me to and because I said I would to have the freedom to love regardless

because you asked me to and because I said I would. I think one of the problems is we don't know what freedom is. Like the world offers one vision of freedom and the church offers another version of freedom. The world's vision of freedom is to be able to just do whatever you want. It's licensed to do whatever you want. That's real freedom.

But the church says real freedom. freedom is not licensed to do whatever you want. Real freedom is the power to do what you ought. Real freedom is the ability to do what you ought. Another way to say it is, I'll say this, that scares us. I think, I think that scares me because I know myself. I think it might scare us because we know ourselves. We all have a self-reputation. Like, oh, no, I doubt myself. Why? Because if real freedom is the ability to do what I said I would do. I look at myself and I realize I don't often do that. But if I'm going to have the ability to love, I have to start somewhere. How about we start here? How about we start by keeping the promises you make to yourself? That's it. So simple.

Just begin to develop the ability to love by simply keeping the promises you make to yourself. because we realize so often that's all love is. Love is just keeping your promise. So often, all love is is just keeping your promise, just doing what you said you were going to do. Keeping your promise to yourself, keeping your promises to other people, and of course, to the Lord.

I'm here because he asked me to and because I said I would. Now, okay, I can see, like, this is not easy. Like, this is, you're like, it's way easier to say from a pulpit than actually to do. That's why this series is called Tough Love. It's not because this is easy. It's because it's actually incredibly, incredibly difficult.

It is not easy to have the freedom to say no. It's not easy to have the freedom to say yes regardless. But I'm reminded of this. So years ago, I was a senior in high school. Speaking of movies, here's my last movie reference of the night. A movie came out called When a Man Loves a Woman with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. And it was this love story, not a comedy, just a love story. Kind of a drama.

And in it, Andy Garcia's character and Meg Ryan's character were married to each other. And at one point, Meg Ryan becomes an alcoholic. And all their ups and downs and all their struggles, all their pain they had. At one point, they kind of, they separate and she gets treatment. And at the end of the movie, they come back together. And it's just really beautiful. I'm just, I'm so cheesy and corny and sappy that I was like, this is awesome. And I remember talking to this older woman after this, after I saw this movie.

She had seen the movie like a week before me. She'd been married to her husband at this point for like 25 years. And I was gushing because I have a tendency to gush. I'm like, it was so beautiful, so amazing. At the end, they come back together and just loving each other. And she had this matter-of-fact look, kind of a smirk on her face. And she's like, Michael, that's just what you do. That was it.

I was like, I was like, that's amazing. She's like, that's just what you do. And that's true. That's just what you do. But it's easier to say that than it is to do that. This same moment, about 20, 25 years later, she found herself in the exact same position as the characters in the this movie. About 20, 25 years later, her husband had become an alcoholic. And I remember in this

moment of just being really candid, really vulnerable, through her tears, I remember her telling me, she's like, I don't know how much longer I can do this. See, she was right when she said, it's just what you do. Because love is keeping your promise. I'm here because you asked me to and because I said I would. But also, it is really, really, really hard. It is really, really hard. but to have the ability. Imagine being able to have that power, that freedom to love regardless. I know you might be seen everything going,

yeah, but you don't understand. There's no love anymore. That love is gone. That ship has sailed. There hasn't been any love in our relationship in my life for how long. That's when I'm reminded of this quote by a man named St. John of the Cross.

The love's gone. So what St. John of the Cross once said, he said, where there is no love, put love, and then you'll find love. It's a nice quote. Where there is no love, put love, and you'll find love. And again, you might be sitting there saying, oh, okay, Yoda, what does that mean?

Like, how do you do that? Where there is no love, put love. Well, I was listening to a clinical psychologist talk about this. He's mostly a family therapist. And he said he noticed something in his like 30, 40 year practice. He said he noticed something about parents of grown children and how their relationships were with their growing children, how their relationships were with each other,

the spouses with each other. And he noticed, he said, I see again and again and again, parents have grown children have a phenomenal relationship with their kids. Like, they have a close, tight-knit, like real living relationship with their children. But they have anemic relationship with each other.

And he said, it's not because the children didn't make demands. Or it wasn't because the spouses were exceptionally difficult. He said, it was because the parents didn't consult their feelings when their children needed them. If their children needed them, like in the middle of their night, they didn't go like, do I feel like getting up? Do I really love you? They just got up and did it. If their kids were getting sick, they didn't say, like, do I really have a lot of love for them?

They just did it. They chose the actions of love regardless of how they felt. And that's the thing. They didn't wait for their feelings to be there. They just loved. And they also, here's an interesting thing. the parents, they weren't bothered if they didn't have feelings. While they did it, they just loved. And so where there was no love, they put love. And then they found love. Versus for each other, a lot of times spouses, well, you can take care of yourself.

A lot of times spouses would say, like, I'm going to wait for the feelings to be there to do the actions of love, or even spouses being bothered. If the feelings weren't there. But where there is no love, put love. And you'll find love. like as we're heading out to the vineyard why are we here i'm here because he asked me to and because

i said i would and to realize that the feelings don't have to be there especially in tough love to be able to i can still love even when i don't want to imagine even with the greatest love any of us have ever ever heard of ever seen ever experienced the greatest love in the history of humanity is up here on this crucifix in front of us jesus on the cross we heard in second reading today philippians chapter two. Though he was in the form of God, Jesus did not de inequality with God, something to be grasped that, but he emptied himself and took the form of a slave being born in the likeness of men, and he humbled himself and became obedience, remember obedience, even unto death, death on the cross. Imagine Jesus in the cross was not filled with a bunch of affection for you

or for me. Imagine Jesus on the cross didn't have a lot of affection for the Father in heaven. Imagine Jesus was not feeling the emotion of love as he was being scourged or crucified or gasping for breath. But that is the greatest love any of us have ever seen. Why? Why was he on the cross? Because the father asked him to and because he said he would. You know, it's reality is that love can feel an awful lot like duty at times. Love can feel an awful lot like an obligation at times. And this is the last thing. When love feels like a duty, when tough love is there, right? When I need to have the ability to love even when I don't want to, it's a duty. But there's this man.

His name is another saint, Saint Jose Maria Escriva. And what St. Osama, he's a very practical guy. He said this. He said, put your heart aside. Duty comes first. Okay? That's true.

Put your heart aside. Duty comes first. But he goes on to say, he knows people. He says, but when fulfilling your duty, put your heart into it. It helps. Put your heart to the side. Don't wait for the feelings to be there.

Duty comes first. But when fulfilling your duty, put your heart into it. It helps. Now, this is the crazy. This is, this is me. I find myself doing this all the time. Maybe you find yourself doing the same thing,

where you said no to the thing, and you said yes, okay, I'll be there. I'll do the thing. I'm in the vineyard because you asked me to and because I said I would. And so you're here. And here's how I show up. I show up with the...

Listen, I'm announcing to the world, okay, I'm doing this thing because God asked me to and I said I would and I don't like it. Where I show up and I'm the biggest belly acre in the world. Like, oh, it's so hard to keep loving. It's so hard to do the thing I need to do. even though I said I would do the thing, but now I don't feel like it, I don't want to. And people are like, why don't you just change your mind, bro?

I'd actually rather you not be doing the thing you said you would do. Because you're complaining so much. This is how sometimes I can show up. Maybe this is you too. That I said, I had the freedom to say no. And yes, I had the freedom, the ability to say yes. And now I'm resentful. Because it feels just like a duty.

And that's the last, this is the last aspect that's necessary for tough love. not just to say no, not just to say yes regardless, but to show up and find joy in the yes. To show up and find joy in the yes regardless. Because love is an ability, and tough love is a necessity. That what you and I need is we need the freedom to say no. What you and I need is we need the ability,

the power to say yes regardless. And we also need this freedom. We need the power. We need the ability to take. joy and the opportunity to love regardless. Because here's the deal. The Father is calling you and me into the vineyard. He's calling every single one of us into the vineyard. And we need to be the kind of people who have the ability to love. The ability to show up and say, I'm here and I'm doing this because you asked me to and because I said I would regardless.