Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz - 10/21/18 Rivals: The Rival of Control

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

Homily from the Twenty-ninth Sunday in Ordinary Time. What do I have to do to get what I want? So much of our lives can be marked by the desire to control…or the fear of losing control. The rival of control can dominate. And the trust of praise and surrender can liberate. Mass Readings from October 21, 2018: Isaiah 53:10-11 Psalms 33:4-5, 18-20, 22Hebrews 4:14-16 Mark 10:35-45 Download the Homily Study

So, you know those people who, the kind of people kind of charge into a situation and they kind of take control of any kind of situation? You might be one of these people, so we like you, you're welcome here and everything. But there are some people who like, they walk into a situation and they're like, okay, here's what's going to happen. Like, this is what we're going to do right now. I don't know, maybe you have a roommate like that. Maybe you have like some friends like this where they just come into any situation and they tell you those words, basically. Whether they say the words or not, it doesn't matter because they do the thing, right? It's like, here's what's going to happen.

This is what we're going to do. They walk in any situation to take control because what they have is like they have a plan. They have a plan for their own lives. And the plan for their own lives is like, this is the deal. We're going to make this thing happen. And I find those people both simultaneously admirable and really annoying. Because it's just like, dude, just settle down a little bit. But so often there are so many people who just want to control stuff.

In fact, for a lot of us, that's one of our things. You just want to control stuff. You want to, like, this is my life, this is my plan. what we're going to do. This is what's going to happen. And again, I find it annoying, but at the same time, I do admire it. In fact, one of my heroes, he was one of those kind of people. His name is Ignatius. Inacious of Loyola is the last name because he's from Loyola. And Ignatius was this kind of a guy who would walk into a situation and say, okay, here's a deal. This is my idea for my life. Here's what's going to happen. Here's what we're going to do. Like from a young

age, Ignatius knew that he wanted to have the kind of life that was great. And so he said, if I'm going to have the kind of life that is great, I need to make that happen. It doesn't just happened to a person to live a great life, I have to make it happen. And so when he was 16 years old, he became a page to a knight. Basically, for the next 10 years, he devoted everything he had to becoming an incredible soldier. Because he knew the only way I can be great is if I do great things on the battlefield, then I'll have the kind of life that I want to have.

And so he, I mean, trained for 10 years, learning how to ride a horse, write a horse in battle, learn how to fence, learn how to duel, learn how to fight. Apparently, also learning how to dance. That's what you need to do if you're going to be an awesome night. And for 10 years, 16 to 26, he was the kind of person who's like, listen, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be great on the battlefield so I can have a great life. Is what we're going to do.

This is what is going to happen. Like massive control guy. In fact, he goes out in battle when he's 26 years old. He's on his horse. He's fighting. And a cannibal comes and like smashes into his leg and shatters his femur. Maybe somebody have heard the story of Ignatius. His femur gets broken.

who has to go back and live with his brother. As his leg is healing, he finds that it's not healing completely straight. I mean, it's going to work. It's going to function. He can still ride a horse. He can still fight. But it's going to look kind of funny. And back in the day, if you were a knight, if you're a noble person, you would wear a guy's, would wear tights. So, praise the Lord's 21st century. He knew that people would be able to tell that his leg had been broken. if it healed this way, so he had them re-break it. He's like, no, that's not what it's going to be.

I'm going to be the kind of knight who's on the battlefield has an incredible life so I can have an incredible life off the battlefield. I'm going to take charge, had someone re-break his legs so that it would look good in tights, which is an oxymoron as well. But that's the kind of person he was. The kind of person who's like, listen, I'm going to take control. Why? Because this is my life.

And so that's my plan. And so I'm going to take control of it. We describe those people as control freaks. They don't describe themselves as control freaks. It's interesting. We describe them as control freaks. They describe themselves as people who just care. Right?

Like, I'm not a control freak. I just care. Like, I don't have to control everything. I just care, though. And that's a good thing. Honestly, to take responsibility for one's own life, that is wonderful. That's actually two thumbs up, way up. But what is the difference between being someone who just

takes responsibility and someone who needs to control. Because control can be one of the deadliest rivals in our lives. The need to control can be one of the deadliest rivals in our lives. If you're just joining us on this Sunday, we're in the middle of a series, the third part of a four part series called rivals. You've been talking about what a rival is, and a rival is a person or a thing competing for the same objective. And a lot of us really are okay with a bunch arrivals in our lives. Again, a rival is a person or thing competing for the same objective.

We're okay with a lot of different competing factors in our lives, and that's not a big deal. But there's a couple different parts of our lives, or a couple different relationships in our lives that do not tolerate rivals, particularly the kind of relationships that are all or nothing. We talked about this couple weeks ago. We have some like not all or nothing relationships with some friends, with roommates, with family sometimes. But there's two all or nothing relationships that do.

not tolerate rivals. One is marriage. Marriage is the kind of relationship that you can't be halfway. It can't be part in, part out. It has to be all in or I'm not in at all. So marriage, as we know, doesn't tolerate rivals because a rival will destroy marriage. We also know that to be a Christian, a person can't be kind of halfway, half, halfway in, halfway out. You have to be either all the way in or you are by default, all the way. out. Because our relationship with Jesus is a relationship that doesn't tolerate rivals. And this morning, we have to talk about this rival called control. So again, let's ask the question. What's the difference between someone who just cares, who's being responsible, and someone who has the rival

of control. We see it in the gospel today. Because the rival of control almost always comes from fear. The rival of control almost always comes from fear. You didn't hear. You didn't hear. You didn't it today, but it's the section right before the section we've heard in the gospel, it says that Jesus started walking towards Jerusalem with his apostles. And he tells them, here's what's going to happen, we're going to Jerusalem, I'm going to get arrested, I'm going to get tortured, I'm going to be killed, I'm going to rise on the third day. And it says the disciples were walking with him and they were terrified. So the disciples were walking with him, they're going to Jerusalem because they know it's going to go down. They know what's going to happen. They're walking with Jesus to

Jerusalem. They're amazed and they're afraid. Because they know that when they get to Jerusalem, there's no more control. The power's out of their hands. Jesus has already told them what's going to happen. They're amazed, but they're afraid. Almost always, when we experience the rival of control, it comes out of a place of fear. When I care the most, but I'm the least power. I have the least power.

When I care the most, but I have the least control. That's when we have this rival of control. So what are the three markers of control? What do you like know that if you have the rival of control in it? Well, it comes from fear, but the three markers are manipulation, conditions, and anxiety. Those are the three markers of the rival of control. That we have manipulation, there's conditions and anxiety in us. And you can, again, you can see this in the scriptures today.

Here's, I love this scene with James and John. Jesus has just predicted that he's going to die and rise again. And James and John, now keep in mind, who are James and John? They're not only part of the 12 apostles, they're part of the inner three. It's always Peter James and John, right? they know what's going on, right? So they're afraid. Things are going to get out of our control. And so what do they do? Actually, Scripture, Mark writes and says, Jesus is walking ahead of them. So picture the scene. Here's James John. I'm like, should we do it now? Should we do it now? Yes, do it now.

And they like, you know, break away from the other 10. And they race up to Jesus like, hey, this is our shot. And how do they start? They say, master, we want you to do whatever we ask of you. If that isn't a sign of manipulation, I do not know what it is. Have you ever had someone ask you the question, hey, what are you doing Friday night? You're like, oh, I'm nothing, I'm free. Like, awesome, because I need to move all my stuff. I'm like, oh, you punk, punk. Because I never answered that question. Are you free this Saturday?

Tell me why you are asking this question. Or you will not get an answer right now because I've been punked too many times. Here's James and John being a bunch of punks because they're manipulating Jesus. Jesus, we want you to do whatever you ask of us. Sure, I'll do that. Okay, great, now we've got them.

They're trying to manipulate this conversation. they're trying to manipulate the relationship. Because the rival of control almost always has that question of, what can I say or what can I do to control the outcome? Like, how do I maneuver this so I can control the outcome? What can I say or what can I do to get what I want? You don't have to be a control freak to be that kind of person to have the rival of control that longs to manipulate.

You just have to be someone who doesn't have control, but you care a lot. So I asked the question before Mass started, what did you do when you're a kid? I think you wanted. I always asked that question about marriage prep couples. And I always give my example. My example is I'm one of six kids, so I never got what I wanted. I'm one of six kids, so my parents never consulted us. It was never like a, hey, Mike, what do you want to do today?

It was never, ever that. It was often I could not do what I wanted to do. But tantrums were absolutely, that was not going to happen. That was not going to help anything. That would actually make things far worse. If I was going to pitch a fit, it would be the worst. I wouldn't throw a tantrum, I wouldn't start complaining. All I would do is I would just get quiet.

That was a pretty happy kid, you know, laughing, doing my thing. But if I didn't like what was going on, I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to raise my voice, I didn't have to throw anything. I just was like, like, Mike, what's wrong? Nothing. I'm just ruining your day. Because that's what I would do. So I'm going to ask all the couples, because as you know, when you're, you know, when, you're

when people get married, they bring a lot of their habits from when they were kids into that relationship. So when I asked this question, you know, it's so interesting because we can really misinterpret each other's behaviors. Again, there's one marriage prep. I remember talking with this couple and it came down to this place where we're asking this question, like what would you do to get your way because she wasn't getting her way? And one of the things she said, the bride was saying, she said, you know, I just, he doesn't stand up for me. I just want him to stand up for me. I just want him to fight for me. And he doesn't stand up for me. He doesn't stand up for me. I was like, well, that seems like a serious kind of thing. So we started

talking about this. This is a confession of the couple who's not here right now, just FYI. So it's my confession of their life. He doesn't stand up for me, he doesn't fight for me. This sounds serious. So let's talk about it. What do you mean he doesn't stand up for you? Well, he doesn't stand up for me against his parents. That's a very important thing. It's a very important thing to be able to do for your spouse. To stand up against your parents, your spouse. It's a very important thing. He doesn't stand up for me, he doesn't fight for me. He'd tell me the story. Well, they're getting married, and that's why they were there in the first place, and her parents were going to pay for the most of the wedding and the reception.

His parents were going to pay a little bit, but that was the agreement. They were going to pay the most. His parents were going to pay a very little amount. But she had gotten it into her head that she really wanted chair covers on the chairs at the reception. It turns out to all the chairs at the reception would cost an extra $5,000. And so she was like, I don't want to ask my parents because they're already paying so much. So future husband of mine, could you ask your parents if they would pitch in the $5,000 for the chair covers? And so as a husband or future husband who loved his future bride, sure.

And he asks his mom and dad who say, no. So he goes back to his bride and says, they say no. And she says, go back and ask him again. And he's like, no. And she's like, why aren't you fighting for me? Why don't you say? Just go back to your parents, ask them again. Like, no, no, no, no, no.

I already asked. No, just go back to your parents and ask them again. Listen, I've already asked. But why weren't you fighting for me? Why aren't you standing up for me against your mom and dad? Now, here's what we kept talking about. This was one of those relatively unpleasant marriage preps for a while. But we had a breakthrough when all of a sudden it kept coming out where he said,

okay, so in the family, I know my mom and dad. In my family, my parents, A, are very tight with money. B, when my parents told me no growing up, that was it. If I were to ask again, like, I'm in big trouble because they never changed their mind. She comes back with, well, when I was growing up, my dad would always give me what I wanted. And if he said no at first, I would just keep asking and keep asking and then eventually he'd always give me what I wanted. And he was like, yeah, but we don't have the same parents, which is actually why we get to marry each other. But you can see that what that gave rise to was him saying, please, why don't you trust me?

And her saying, why don't you love me? Because you're not doing what I'm asking you to do, you must not love me. And he's saying, because I've already done everything I can do, why don't you trust me? And what happened was this rival of control, this need to, I know, but I need to get what I want. I need to get this thing, this rival of control, and then the subsequent manipulation. was poisoning their relationship because it was this thing of like, I've already said no, but I just need to ask, and I need to ask, and I need to ask, and what's going to happen is eventually you're going to give up.

You know, one of the big things when it comes to that rival of control in any relationship, that's all or nothing, sometimes what we have to do is we have to learn how to accept the answer and know that you still matter, even when the answer is no. To eliminate the rival of control in our lives, sometimes what we need to do is we need to learn how to accept the answer and know that you still matter even if the answer is no. That you're still loved, even if the answer is no.

It is one of the reasons why, you know, Jesus, in an all-and-nothing relationship with Christ, one of the reasons why Jesus says, okay, when you talk to the Father, don't try to manipulate him. This is one of our specialties, our spiritual gift is manipulation and prayer, because a lot of times we come to God, and what do you think? If we really want something, we know that we're not in control,

but we have a lot of concern. We really want the thing. Then we're going to pray the right way. Then we're going to pray the really hard way, that God hears especially well. So, like, if we're just thanking God for something, we're like, oh, hey, by the way, God, thanks. But if we want something really badly,

it's like, oh, I'm going to kneel down because he hears me better when I'm kneeling. If the floor is really hard, even better. I will hold my hands in this proper position because I want this thing so badly. It's basically like typing the pin into the ATM, because if I type it in the right way, then I get the cash. We think we can manipulate God with our prayers.

If we just pray the right way, then he'll get me what I want. I don't know if you know this. When Jesus was teaching his disciples how to pray in Matthew's Gospel, he says, I know that's what you're going to want to do. Because he says, when you pray, don't babble like the pagans, who think that because of the many words they'll be heard. If you were a pagan, if you didn't know the true God,

you would try to manipulate the gods. If you did the dance the right way, if you did the prayers the right way, if you did the thing the right way, then the gods might hear you. And Jesus says, listen, that's not what God is like. when you pray don't babble like the pagans who think because of the many words or because of how they prayed they'll be heard don't try to manipulate him why because he says when you pray simply say dad simply come to your dad when you pray he says say our father and your father who knows you who already loves you will hear you I mean this is this is the massive difference between like non-Christian

prayer and Christian prayer it's one is a way to manipulate God. The other is, I just trust you, God. I just trust you. Why? Because you're my dad. But a lot of times he slipped back into that trap, right? I didn't get what I wanted. Why don't you love me? And he says, I'm giving you something better. Why don't you trust me? We flip back into that manipulation, that idol, that rival of control. You didn't give me what I wanted God. Why don't you love me? And he's like, I have something better for you. I'm your dad. Why don't you trust me? You know, that kind of trust has to grow. Because that relationship has to It's going to be a real relationship, but it has to grow.

I'm speaking of marriages and engagements and stuff. You know, one of the things I get to see unfold over the course of people's relationships when they're here on campus is after they've been dating for a while, all of a sudden, one of the two of them gets really nervous. That there hasn't been a ring yet. The one of the two of them gets really, really preoccupied

by the fact that there hasn't been a ring yet. The one of the two of them is really like starting to kind of drop the hints kind of excessively because of the fact there hasn't been a ring yet. One of the two, of them, starts to get a little bit kind of controly and manipulative because of the fact there hasn't been a ring yet. Usually the girl.

But why? Because it comes from. It comes from fear. Are we really moving forward? Is this going to be all or is going to be nothing? So I just got to control it. There was this incredible couple who whenever she got to this place, he would always stop and say, oh, by the way, I just want to let you know, since I know you can't read my mind, I want to let you know that I am

planning on proposing to you, I'm not ready right now, but like I'm still in this. And she said, every time he stopped and just said, oh, by the way, here's where I'm at right now. We're not at the place of proposal yet, but I'm working my way towards there. Every time he said that to her, she was like, okay. Because the answer right now is no, my plan is the answer is going to be yes. That kind of trust grows. When you keep going back to that person and say, I don't want to manipulate this, I just want to grow in trust. The question, of course, is what happens if the answer is still no? What happens when the answer is still no? What happens when I don't get what I want? What happens when I think, well, I can only be happy if the answer is yes.

What happens when we start thinking, I could only be happy if I get this particular outcome, and that's the condition. Again, the rival of control has manipulation, but also has conditions to it. I only loved if. I can only be happy if. I'll only be yours, God, if. In that whole rival of control manifesting itself in conditions reminds me of one of the greatest love stories in the Old Testament. In the book of Genesis, there's a love story between a guy named Jacob and a woman named Rachel. You know, Jacob had his twin brother Esau and he ran and had to run away from home because he got the blessing, got the birthright, And he sees Rachel, and the scripture talks about how when Rachel, when Jacob saw Rachel

for the first time, basically he went bonkers. He was like, I'm done. That's it. She's the one. Now, he knew pretty quickly. She did not have to wait around going, why isn't he getting the ring? He was like, hey, my name's Jacob, want to marry me. Like, it was one of those kind of situations.

So Jacob goes to Rachel's dad, Laban. He says, basically, can I marry your daughter? Laban sees this guy has gone nuts for his daughter, so he's like, yeah, I can get a lot of work out of this guy. if you work for me for seven years, you can marry my daughter, Rachel. And Jacob's like, absolutely, I'm in. Scripture says that Jacob works for Laban for seven years, but to him he was so in love that it felt like a day.

I don't know the last time your work felt like that, but that's how in love Jacob is with Rachel. So then Jacob marries Laban's daughter. At the time, they would be heavily availed when they were married, and so Jacob marries the daughter of Laban. Kahnstmates the relationship, the next morning wakes up to find that he actually has married Rachel's daughter Leah, Rachel's sister Leah. And he goes to Laban going, what the heck, I wanted to marry your daughter, Rachel.

And Laban says, you know, Leah's her older sister and it's not right for the younger sister if you married ahead of the older sister. So you had to marry Leah first. And Jacob's kind of rightfully annoyed. He doesn't love Leah. He loves Rachel. So Laban says, okay, fine. If you work for me, promise to work for me.

me another seven years, you can marry Rachel too next week. So he does that. That's a wonderful situation in the home at this point. Two sisters married to the one guy. Here's the problem. Jacob was in love with Rachel. Rachel loved Jacob. Leah was unloved. Imagine being the third wheel in the home of two people who were in one of the greater love stories of the Old Testament. I completely unlove, completely ignored. This marks Lee. Leah's life. This ache that like, my husband doesn't love me. But if he did, I'd be happy.

If I could make him love me, then I'd be okay. If I could get him, if I could get Jacob to love me, then I'd be fine. And so what happens is, it says in scripture, it says it is at Genesis chapter 29. It says that when the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, he made her fruitful. So Leah conceived. a son whom she named Ruben. Ruben's name means, the Lord saw my misery, and now my husband will love me. He hasn't loved me for me, but now I have a, his son, now my husband will love me.

But Jacob didn't love her. So she has a second son, and she names him Simeon. And Simeon means, the Lord heard that I was unloved, and therefore he has given me this one also. But Jacob didn't love Leah. And so she has a third son, and she names him Levi, and Levi's name means now since I have born him, now at last my husband will become attached to me since I have born him three sons. I mean, think of Leah's heartbreak, her fear of like, I'm going to live the rest of my life unloved by my husband. I'm not enough for my husband.

But if I could just be something more, have something more, then he would love me. There's the condition, the rival of control. something happens though to Leah between her son Levi the third child and her son Judah something happens to Leah where she stops giving into the rival of control she stops having the condition it says later on it says once more she conceived and bore her fourth child her fourth son and she named him Judah and Judah's name means now at last I will give grateful praise to the Lord at this point Leah's like no more conditions. I don't need to control. I know my God loves me and so I will just praise. I'm going to trust him and I'm going to praise him. Here's the thing. If you experience

that rival of control rising up in your heart ever and you see this manipulation and this conditions that come, you recognize we exercise trust through praise. Like how do I get more trust? We exercise trust through praise. Here's Leah, conditional. And then she finally with Judah, no, this time I'm going to praise the Lord. This time there's no conditions. This time the rival of control is gone. Because this time I'll praise the Lord. We exercise trust.

We grow trust when we praise. If you ever find yourself having that anxiety, just like I need this thing to happen, I need this particular outcome, I don't trust. Then you begin your day with praise. At the end of the day, I can't sleep because I have this anxiety. I have this need to control. then you end your day with praise. If we get to a certain relationship of your life,

you're like, I just need this thing. This is what I need. I need to control this outcome. Then in that moment, you enter to the moment with praise. What happens? This is the last thing. What happens when you still feel that anxiety, though? It's a good question.

Thanks, Father Mike. What happens when you still have that anxiety? And you can't get rid of it. Who or what is God's chief rival for your heart? Who or what is God's chief rival for your heart? Often when it comes to control, God's chief rival is me. When it comes to the rival of control,

if I have the rival of control in my life, at the core of it, God's drivel is not something else. It's not the outcome. It's not the thing. All it means is God's chief rival is me. If I have this anxiety over, I'm not going to get what I want.

The operative word is I. Because if I don't have what I want, if I don't have the life that I want, if it's not the plans that I've made that happen, then I can't possibly be happy. Anxiety comes from that. That's why, at the course, core of Jesus' prayer. When you pray, don't babble like the pagans. Try to manipulate God, but just say,

Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done. That's the core of the Our Father. And that is the difference between having the rival of control and trust that is exercised through praise and lived in surrender. Because if I have that anxiety, what I need to do is I need to surrender. Not my will be done. Father of thy will be done. Which brings us back to Ignatius. Ignatius, when he was recovering from his broken femur, he encountered Jesus in a way that changed his life.

And he was like, okay, here's what's going to happen. Here's what's going to happen now. Jesus, I'm going to belong to you, and I'm going to become the greatest saint I've ever heard of. Because he just took that control from being a person having glory on the battlefield to like, I'm going to have glory in the heavenly battlefield. He took that glory from like, I'm going to make an incredible life for me. And he's now like, I'm going to make an incredible life for you.

And he had this incredible plan of he was going to be a missionary throughout the entire world. He was going to become the kind of person who would go to the far-flung stretches of the earth and bring the gospel. And what happens, he started this order called the Jesuits or the Society of Jesus. And the Pope said, actually, Ignatius, you don't get to go. I need you in Rome. He had the plan of like, no, no, no, what's going to happen is I'm going to go be a missionary, and I'm going to go around the world telling people all Jesus.

And the Pope said, no, actually, Ignatius, you're staying here in Rome. and you're going to send people throughout the world and they're going to tell them about Jesus. Ignatius' two best friends, Peter Faber and Francis is Xavier, they got to travel the world and become phenomenal missionaries. And Ignatius had to stay in Rome and be the general behind the desk. He got to say every day,

I know what I want. I know my plan. God, it's going to be so much better. I'm going to trust you. And I'm going to praise you. and I'm going to surrender to you. Why? Because thy will be done, not my will be done. So what we did for you all is in your bulletin. We put this insert on this kind of card-stockish paper.

And there's these three prayers. There's three prayers because I liked them all and couldn't decide. First prayer, I came from my sister. She had shared it with me once. The second prayer came from a guy named Blessed Charles Defa Cald, who is phenomenal individual. The final prayer is from Ignatius of Loyola. And it goes like this.

You can read it with me. You don't have to read out loud. He says, take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess, you've given me. I surrendered all to you to be disposed of according to your will. Give me only your love and your grace. With these, I'll be rich enough and I'll desire nothing more.

Ignatius had to pray that prayer every day. Why? Because the idol of control would come up. in his heart every day. So he had to every day say, no, Lord, I trust you. I praise you, and I surrender everything to you. When that rival of control rears its head and it just goes beyond care, goes into this place of desire to manipulate, have conditions or anxiety, we pray that prayer, God, give me only your love and your grace. And that'll be enough because we can exercise trust through praise, and we can release the anxiety through surrender. And we can let go

of the rival, God's chief rival of my heart, who is me, by looking at him and saying, no, God, you, and your will be done.