Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz - 12/10/23 Main Character: Perfect

Episode Date: December 9, 2023

Homily from the Second Sunday of Advent. Perfectionism can move us from caring to quitting. Spiritual perfectionism can lead people who care about the Faith and who love God to a place of harshness and hurry so much that they just want to give up. But the Gospel reminds us that God is gentle and patient. Mass Readings from December 10, 2023: Isaiah 40:1-5, 9-11 Psalms 85:9-142 Peter 3:8-14 Mark 1:1-8

Welcome to Sunday homilies with me, Father Mike Schmitz. I hope today's homily inspires and motivates you, and I also hope that it leaves you hungry for the one who gave everything to feed you. If you want to get this and other Sunday Mass resources sent straight to your inbox, sign up at ascensionpress.com slash Sunday or by texting Sunday to 33777. You can also follow or subscribe on your podcast app for weekly notifications. God bless. The Lord be with you.

A reading from the Holy Gospel according to Mark. Chapter 1, verse 1 to verse 8. The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. As it is written in Isaiah the Prophet, Behold, I am sending my messenger ahead of you. He will prepare your way, a voice of one crying out in the desert, prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths. John the Baptist appeared in the desert,

proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. people of the whole Judean countryside and all the inhabitants of Jerusalem were going out to him and were being baptized by him in the Jordan River as they acknowledged their sins. John was clothed in camel's hair with a leather belt around his waist. He fed on locusts on wild honey.

And this is what he proclaimed. One mightier than I is coming after me. I am not worthy to stoop and loosen the thongs of his sandals. I have baptized you with water. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.

The gospel of the Lord. Like you to have a seat. So, this is the time of school year right now. So we have our students who are entering into finals week. And it's one of those situations where if you have a kind of procrastinating streak in you, this is when it comes out, typically, I think, is when it's like, you know, you just put off. We all know what it's like to procrastinate.

You just put things off, put things off. And there's a couple, I think, there's a couple reasons we procrastinate. Some of the reasons, the most obvious one, sometimes people say, just lazy, which maybe is the case, but I think a lot of times it's not that. Sometimes, yeah, we don't want to do it. Sometimes it's really difficult. But I found, and this is just maybe just my experience, I found that one of the leading causes of procrastination isn't laziness and isn't that it's just really hard, and it's not that we don't want to do it. It's perfectionism. Again, it's not because you don't care. It's not because you're lazy, but it's because you care so much, right? It's like, I just,

I have to, this is a big deal. This thing matters. And so I put it off. because it's such a big deal because it matters so much. So last week, the first Sunday of Advent, we started a new series. The series is called Main Character. We talked about what it is to have main character syndrome, right? So on the one hand, the good hand, it's like, no, you're the protagonist in your own story. Like basically, you have agency. You need to be an active participant in your own life, not just a passive observer.

But where it gets twisted is we start thinking that we are the star, right? We start thinking that if I'm the main character, I have to, have it all together, right? Because why, what's the main character do? The main character saves the day. And found the main character, I need to do that. The main character has all the answers. The main character can't fall down, right? The main, if you're the main character, you can't fail. The main character can't be seen to struggle. Why? Because the main character has to be perfect. And so what happens? Well, procrastination, or perfectionism, can lead to the paralysis of procrastination. And so what we find is our students, they get to this place of like, again,

this perfectionism has them procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate because they care so much. And all of a sudden, they're just like so tired of all of it. Until it's just one moment where they just say, you know what, forget it. I'm just going to write the paper. I don't care what it sounds like. I'm just going to write the paper and turn it in. Like, okay, I'm done studying. I'm just going to check the box and do it. Like basically, they get to the place where they say, I just give up. I don't care anymore. And I think it's so fascinating. This happens to all of us. It's so fascinating that something we care so much about can be so quickly hated. Or we just say, I quit. How is it that we can move so quickly from caring to quitting?

I think that's one of the reasons that main character syndrome is so deadly. Because I've seen this not just happen with, you know, classes and with papers and where you just, you get to the place where you're just so overwhelmed by the whole thing that you just don't even care anymore. I've seen this happen with people's faiths. or if I'm the main character in my faith, if I'm the main character when it comes to like, okay, my spiritual growth or what if my character, if I'm the main character when it comes to like my holiness,

then, well, it all comes down to me. It all comes down to how I'm doing. It all comes down to how I'm praying. It all comes down to how I'm winning or how I'm sinning. And that pressure to be perfect leads a lot of people to be burned out. I don't know if you've ever experienced that. If you ever experienced this pressure to be perfect in your spiritual life that leads you to a place where you just burned out

because I've seen people who care about their faith, who actually love God, go from caring to quitting. And the reason why we were talking about this this weekend is, I don't want this to happen, I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want that to happen to you. Where you get so burned out that you go from caring to quitting. The good news is it doesn't have to happen. I mean, the good news is there are a ton of people around

who take their faith really, really seriously, who actually experience joy in that. They're people who take their faith seriously who experience freedom. And so here's the question, what's the difference? What's the difference between those people who take their faith seriously and just get bitter and burned out?

And those people who take their faith seriously and find they're able to strive after the Lord with joy and with trust and with freedom. I think it may come down to some perfectionism. So before we go any further, let's talk about perfectionism just a second. And there's some psychologists talk about different kinds of perfectionism. Two of those different kinds of perfectionism are what they term adaptive perfectionism

and maladaptive perfectionism. You can kind of tell by their names that one is good and one is not good. So adaptive perfectionism is basically this, is people who are motivated by high standards. That really simply they work hard, but they're not hypercritical about their work. That they pursue their goals without destroying their self-esteem. And there's one description of adaptive perfectionists. I really liked. It said that they invest huge amounts of time and energy into projects that require huge amounts

of time and energy. And I think about, yeah, that's really, that's right. We need people like this. In fact, you might need to be a person like this. They invest huge amounts of time and energy and projects that require huge amounts of time and energy. I think about that every time I get on a plane. And I'm hoping, I'm hoping and praying that the pilot is a perfectionist.

I'm hoping and praying that this is a project that requires a huge amount of time and energy. I hope that he or she has invested a lot of time and energy in this project, or the people who maintain the plane, or the people, you know, your doctor, you want these people to be people who have invested huge amounts of time and energy because the task they're undertaking requires huge amounts of time and energy. I mean, the reason why we have those magical rectangles in our pockets, these incredible phones that can do so much is because at some point there was someone who said, this dream, this vision, this task is what. worth working hard at. That's an adaptive perfectionist. Now, the maladaptive perfectionist is

the same, but so different. They work hard, but the maladaptive perfectionist is someone who feels the constant pressure to meet unrealistic expectations. Like, the maladaptive perfectionist is anxious because they're holding themselves to this ideal that couldn't possibly be reached. The maladaptive perfectionist is one who, as we said, would procrastinate because not just because things are so difficult, but because I have this impossible standard that I'm trying to meet. Now, the interesting thing, studies have shown that adaptive perfectionists are not only happier than maladaptive perfectionists, because that just makes sense, right?

Adaptive perfectionists are actually even happier than non-perfectionists, which at first you think, like, that's crazy. Like, the non-perfectionist is the person who just like, you know, chill, laid back. Like, whatever happens, happens, that's great. But if you think about it more, it makes so much sense. Why? Because the adaptive perfectionist knows there's a high call on their life. And I think all of us, at some point in our life, in being human, we realize, yeah, we all have a high call on our life.

And that happiness doesn't come from ignoring that call. Happiness doesn't come from not caring about that call. happiness doesn't come from quitting. Happiness comes from recognizing, I've been called higher and I have the ability, I have the potential, the capacity to actually do that thing. Again, the maladaptive perfectionist is the one who says the heights are too high, that the call is too rigid and is true brutal. You know, it's one of the reasons why I think there's some critical warning signs

between caring and quitting. So if you find yourself, you're wondering how like, okay, am I, maybe you're a perfectionist and you're wondering, wait, am I the adaptive kind, like the good kind, or am I a maladaptive perfectionist? Again, there's some warning signs between caring and quitting. And we see them, especially in the spiritual perfectionist. That's why we're talking about it here right now. We see these warning signs in the spiritual perfectionist because not only procrastination,

but the spiritual perfectionist is someone who has a heart that has grown harsh. and hurried. It's harsh and hurried. And maybe you've noticed before, maybe you've noticed it in church people around you. In fact, it's one of the things that sometimes it confuses us. When we meet people who, you think, wait a second, they're a church person. Why are they so harsh? You know, they pray a lot. I thought that they'd be happier. Or someone who's like, you know, they go to mass on a regular basis, maybe even on a daily basis. And you think, like, why do they seem so grumpy all the time? Or even someone who knows a lot about their faith or they serve so often, they serve people so frequently, but you think you don't have any

freedom. Like, why is that? And you wouldn't describe them necessarily. You wouldn't describe them as mean, but they're just harsh. So they're the kind of person who's just really demanding, right? They're the kind of person who's constantly disappointed. They're constantly disappointed in other people. They're disappointed in themselves.

That's the kind of person who's impossible to please. Because, why? Because something's always wrong. or or and they're hurried. They're the kind of person who's always on to the next thing. While they need to be no first, they can't ever take pleasure in the accomplishment of being first. They're hurried, and so there's never any time.

They're hurried, so someone's always in their way. Maybe you know people like this, maybe you're someone like this, where you're hurried and so someone's always in your way and you're exasperated. They're the kind of person that if you ask them, hey, how are things going, you're almost always met with this big sigh and this list of things that are going wrong or this list of things that have to get done. And you might, our students might hear me describe this and say, Father, I think you're just describing yourself.

And I'm like, yeah, that's why I know all the signs. Because the thing is, we recognize this problem with someone who falls into the temptation towards perfectionism or falls into the temptation towards being the main character. you see it in yourself and you see it in others and you don't like it. In fact, I remember seeing it not only myself and seeing it. There was a student we had. She was amazing. She was a great student.

She was a great student athlete on campus. She would show up for prayer all the time. But one of the things she was, she also had this perfectionism that drove her to accomplish really great things, but it also held her bound. So an example, on the soccer field, she played soccer here. She was a great soccer player. She was on the starting lineup for. the team, all four years of being here at school.

But I remember watching her play. If she ever made an error, the game would go on and she would kind of keep playing, but she'd be stuck. She'd be stuck back where she had made that error. And this is one of those things. Why? Because she'd still think about like, okay, I just lost the game. Or if she did something well, it'll be I just won the game.

This is main character syndrome. It all comes down to me instead of thinking like, wait a second, there's a whole team here. Also, there's more moments in this game than just that one moment where I messed up. But to be, see yourself as the main character is like, no, I can't mess up. Why? Because if I mess up, we all lose. I mentioned this before. Maybe, I don't know.

I'm not sure if I shared this to you guys, but my mom before she died, she used to, if I was ever going to like a conference or going to a big event and I was kind of nervous for it, she would say that she'd say, okay, Mike, just remember who the real star is. And on one hand, dude, it was really, I loved doing what she said it. It just helped a lot. At one hand, you could see someone would say that to someone who, like, was getting a big head. Like, hey, slow down there, buddy, you know, calm down. Remember the real stars.

But I think my mom knew me better than that. So I'm one of six. I'm one of the middle of six. And I think typically the middle child, sometimes people say the middle child is the one who has to, like, fight for attention. And that might be some middle children. I think there's another kind of middle child. There is the one who likes to fight for attention and needs to, like, be seen. There's also the other middle child who just likes to be hidden.

Like, who likes to kind of hide amidst the other five. And that was definitely me. Like, I was never the kind of person who wanted to fight for attention. I just always wanted to hide in the crowd. And so my mom, I think she knew that about me. So when she said, remember who the real star is, I think she actually knew my heart. My heart was, she knows so nervous. She knows so nervous because I'm like, okay, I'm going to this thing.

I'm going to this conference. I'm going to this talk. We're going to do this thing. I'm going to say these words. And I need to say the perfect words. I need to do the perfect stuff because it matters. because if I don't do the perfect thing and I don't say the perfect words,

then someone's not going to be helped. Mom would say, remember who the real star is. Yeah, you have a role. Do your role, do your part, but the main character is the one who's going to save their lives. The main character is the one who has the ability to send out the Holy Spirit

and transform their lives. The main character is Jesus. Not you. Realize that. Not just don't think you get attention, but don't think you have to carry the burden. that the main character wants to carry. I mean, that's in the gospel today.

Here is John the Baptist. And remember, from his womb, John the Baptist has been given an incredible role, right? When Mary visits Elizabeth, John's mom, the Holy Spirit comes upon John, and he is like consecrated from the womb to be this prophet to the nation, the greatest prophet who ever lived.

And what happens here in the gospel is the beginning of the gospel today and says that all these people from Judea, everyone, all the inhabitants of Jerusalem, are walking miles and miles and miles into the wilderness to hear John's words, to be baptized by John, to have their repentance, to have their forgiveness of sins through John. But John is so good for us because he realizes the temptation could be on the main character. They all, I got to get things perfectly because if I don't, I'm going to mess this up. What does John say? John says, no, he's the word.

I'm the messenger. I'm the voice. He's the Messiah. I'm just delivering the message. He is God. And I am not. Those words again. That John the Baptist knows who the main character is.

Now, Jesus is God. I am not. That's what he says today. I am not worthy to untie his sandals. But one is coming after me. one who's coming after me, who will baptize you with the Holy Spirit. And this one, the one who's coming, this is so critical. What's he like? The main character.

Big question we have to ask is, okay, I'm not the main character. Jesus is the main character like. What is the main character like? Because sometimes if he's like the voice in our heads, he's, sometimes the voice in our heads where you just feel that you're constantly disappointing people around you. Sometimes the voice in our heads is like, no, you're a constant disappointment. Sometimes the voice in our heads is, even though you've heard that God loves you. I've said this so many times, people I know who've been raised in the church have heard

their whole lives them, but they don't really believe God loves them. They believe that God merely tolerates them. Why? Because it's never enough. It's never enough. And I have to ask the question, okay, if I think that when the main character shows up that I won't be enough, that it's never enough. Question, never enough for who?

Like honestly, ask the question. the maladaptive perfectionist. They have these impossible expectations, these unrealistic expectations, but not only that, those expectations they put on themselves are totally arbitrary. Let's highlight this. Typically, the spiritual perfectionist has these expectations that are not only impossible to meet, but they're completely arbitrary. They're expectations that we have set for ourselves, not the expectations that the people around us in need or that God has even asked for. And so what the result is, we have people who go from caring to quitting. We have people who are burned out.

Why? Because they keep moving the goalposts on themselves. God's not doing it. They keep moving the goalposts on themselves. And so what happens is that they are harsh and they are hurried and they go from caring to quitting. But what is the main character actually like? The John the Baptist says, one is coming. What's he like?

Question, is God harsh or hurried? We have a God who is neither harsh nor hurried. We have a God who is gentle and patient. I mean, that's the first reading today. Isaiah, who's the prophet who has some hard words from Israel. But in today's first reading, he says, speak tenderly to Jerusalem. Let her know that her expiation is at an end.

end. It was on to say, why? Because the Lord is coming and he gathers the lambs in his arms. And he holds them against his chest. I mean, this is, this is the picture of our God who actually, he isn't harsh, but he is completely gentle. And sometimes we're like, okay, so he invites us, okay, be gentle with yourself. And again, going back to the soccer player on campus, she would say that she was like, I don't like being like this. And if you're a maladaptive perfectionist, that spiritual perfectionist, you can look at yourself and say, I don't like this about myself either, but I just can't let it go. There's this, there's this TV show. I don't endorse the whole thing. But it was, there's some positive moments in this TV show. It's called Ted Lassow.

And it's this American football coach, ends up becoming a European soccer coach, English soccer coach. And he's just this kind of down-home guy who has a lot of down-home advice. At one point, there's a soccer player. This is a really good connection. There's a soccer player who makes a mistake and he just gets down on himself. And Ted Lassau walks up to him and he says, hey Sam, do you know why a goldfish is the happiest animal in the world? He said, no, coach, I don't know. He says, because a goldfish has a memory of 10 seconds.

So you made a mistake. Be a goldfish. Just let it go. How St. Paul said it? St. Paul reading to the Philippians, he said this. He says, forgetting what lies behind, but striving for what lies ahead. We focus on Jesus. So be a goldfish.

When you're harsh with yourself, the spiritual perfectionist, be a goldfish, or even better, how about this? Be a human. Let yourself be human, which among other things means, let yourself be limited. Let yourself be someone who needs help. Because the main character is not harsh, he's gentle. And the main character is not hurried, he's patient. I mean, St. Peter writing the Christians in the second reading today, he says it so clear,

he says, the Lord does not delay his promise as some consider its delay, but he is patient. He doesn't just say he's patient. He says, he's patient with you. Yet I might be all hurried. You might be all hurried. You might think that God is never satisfied. But Scripture says, no, he's patient with you. So you might be all hurried.

And God says, oh, it's okay. I can wait. God who speaks to us and says, I can be part of the process. Like, I realize there's God. looks at you and says, I can see that you're on the road and you have your own battles, you have your own limitations, you have your own weaknesses, you have your own sins, you have your story. And God just basically, I'm patient with you, just let me be part of your story. God knows the process that you're on. He knows the road you're on. He knows the story you're in.

And he just says, let me be part of the process. Let me be on that road with you. Let me be part of the story, but let me be the main character in your story, the God who's gentle and patient, says to every spiritual perfectionist, you have permission to go at your own pace. You have permission to need help. And this is the last thing. I don't understand. Actually, I've been thinking about this a lot. I've been praying about this a lot.

I can't get past the irony of the fact that there are people who get burned out on Catholicism. I can't get past the irony of people who get burned out on following after Jesus. And again, if that's you, we're like, well, thanks a lot, father. You're going to insult to injury. What I mean is this. What I mean is, what is Catholicism built on? The fact that God loves us so much, that he's so gentle with us, that he's so patient with us, that he knows our need, that he comes to meet us with his grace.

Basically, the whole story of Catholicism, and the whole story of being a Christian, is that you have the freedom to fall. You have the freedom to fail. You have the freedom to not be perfect. This is the core gospel message. You have the freedom to be human. You have the freedom to be the kind of person who needs help. This is the heart of Christianity.

You have the freedom to need God's grace and you're given God's grace. That's one of the reasons why, I mean, think about this. God gives us as one of the seven sacraments, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the Sacrament of Confession. I know some people look at that and say, oh, that's the worst place in the world. I feel so guilty when I go to confession. Well, then you're doing it wrong.

I'm telling you this. If you find yourself burnt out on Christianity, you're doing Christianity wrong. No offense. But confession is a place where we get to say, okay, God, here's where I've failed. God, here's where I've fallen. God, here's where I've sinned. Here's where I haven't lived up to whatever expectation you might have actually made for me, or even the expectations that are false, arbitrary,

expectations I have for myself, and you get to hear the gentle voice of God who says, I'm calling you higher, but I'm calling you gently, I'm calling you patiently, and I know your weakness, and I know your sin, and I'm not afraid of it. One of the last times I went to confession, I got done with my whole stuff, and I, and the priest, he said this, his last words to me, before he gave me absolution. He said, Father, because I I told him I was a priest, right? He said, Father, I know you're going to be tempted to remember the sin. After this, after you get done, you're going to be tempted to remember the sin

and beat yourself up over it. I want you to remember the mercy. You're going to be tempted to remember the fall. I want you to remember the love and to live in that freedom. That's the destiny God has for you. That's the difference between those people can strive after the Lord and have freedom and joy and those people who are striving and they're struggling and they're burdened. Give yourself permission to not be the main character.

Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Give yourself permission to be human. To be you. To be the kind of person who actually needs help. The kind of person who needs great. and then give the main character, give God, give Jesus the permission to meet you in that need and to give you his grace.