Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz - 5/11/25 Move On: Boundaries

Episode Date: May 10, 2025

Homily from the Fourth Sunday of Easter. We get the behavior we are willing to tolerate. There are times when we need to establish boundaries...even with the people we love. Even as Christians, we need to choose and clearly communicate what we are able to or willing to tolerate. Mass Readings from May 11, 2025: Acts 13:14, 43-52 Psalm 100:1-2, 3, 5Revelation 7:9, 14b-17 John 10:27-30

Hi, my name is Father Mike Schmitz. I am so excited to be joining the Courage Under Fire Gala on May 23rd in Nashville, Tennessee, and I would love for you to be there too. I believe that this world needs people of faith, who are willing to live with clarity, conviction, and compassion. That's what this night is all about, standing in truth, rooted in Christ, and unshaken by the storms around us. You know this. We weren't made for comfort.

We were made for courage. So go to the Courage Under Fire Gala. by grabbing your ticket at courage underfiregala.org. That's courage underfiregala.org. And God bless. The Lord be with you. And with your spirit. A reading from the Holy Gospel according to John.

Lord. Chapter 10 verses 27 through 30. Jesus said, My sheep hear my voice. I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they shall never perish. no one can take them out of my hand my father who has given them to me

is greater than all and no one can take them out of the father's hand the father and I are one the gospel of the Lord praise to you Lord Jesus Christ so about two weeks ago or so we started a series kind of concluding the year yesterday our students had graduation

so all those students who was time for them to move on they're living this, this, the reality of life is that in so many times of our lives, the next thing we need to do is we just need to move on. So last week we talked about that, that in some ways, sometimes in order to move on, we have to go back. But today, we have to realize that and sometimes in order to move on, we have to make space. What I mean by that is, is one of the most painful parts of moving on is, I think, letting go. in the first reading today is the Acts of the Apostles.

Here's Paul and Barnabas. And we know this. Paul and Barnabas are, they're preaching the gospel. They're preaching the gospel to who? They're preaching the gospel to the Jews. Because why? Because even Jesus says, salvation comes from the Jews. And so Jesus says, I go to the Jews first.

Like, this is why I came. For the people of Israel, for the kingdom of Israel. That's what's why Jesus came to the earth for the Jews first. But what happens here at Antioch is many Jews said yes, obviously around the Middle East, many, many Jews came to faith in Christ. But not all. And at some point we heard it today in the gospel. At some point, Paul and Barnabas had to say, okay, when it came to bringing the gospel to the Jews,

we've done all that we can. And now we have to move on. Because that's how it is, right? This recognition for every one of us. Sometimes you give everything you can and then you realize, okay, I can't do more than that. This is the truth of life. you do what you can, but you can't do more than that. Paul and Barnabas had brought the gospel to the Jewish people as much as they possibly could,

and then they realized, okay, I can't do more than this. And every one of us, when it comes time for us to belong to Jesus, when it comes to be a Christian, when it comes to live the life of Christ, at some point, we realize, I've done everything I can, and I can't do more than that. The truth is, at some point, in order to be able to move on, you might have to make space. At some point, in order to be able to move on, you might have to actually make space

and actually guard that space. So one of my favorite books I recommend to so many people is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. James Towns in this book called Boundaries. And this book is so helpful because most of us don't have a boundary. Most of us don't have a sense of, when should I stop?

When should I start? In fact, the thesis of the book is this. It's like, like physical property lines, personal boundaries help you to know where your responsibility begins and where your responsibility ends. It helps you know what you should take ownership of and what you shouldn't take ownership of.

I mean, just think about personal or physical property lines so you have a yard next to your neighbor. For the most part, if you have a healthy relationship with your neighbor, no problem. It's great. You don't need to actually know exactly where the property line is. Maybe there's a tree right there on the property line, somewhere on your side or the other person's side,

and you don't really know. It doesn't really matter. It's just, it's maybe even your shared tree. But what if the tree on the tree on the side? my side is hanging over my neighbor's house and it's in danger of collapsing on my neighbor's house. Now, if we have a good relationship, we can figure out what we need to do with this tree. But if we don't have a good relationship, then we absolutely need to understand what is the property boundary here?

Why? Because who is principally responsible for this tree? If it does fall, if it doesn't fall, whose fault is it? And it's one of those situations where I think Robert Frost said this. He said, good fences make good neighbors. I think he was actually calling to mind that idea, but I think like, no, no, bro, you're on to something because good fences make good neighbors. If things are great, again, if things are healthy, doesn't really matter. Don't need a fence. And also at the other extreme, we actually,

we realize that boundaries aren't necessarily walls. It's not like a wall or like a castle. It's more like a fence that has a gate. If a gate, yeah, hey, come on over. If things are good, you can come into my property through the gate. That's wonderful. But also, if I might need to keep you out, I can close that gate. Might need to shut the gate. Because why? Because every one of us are made for community, right?

We're made for each other. But even though we're made for each other, even as Christians, we're made to love everyone, you must never lose control over your own space. Even though as Christians, we're devoted to Jesus. We must never lose control. of our own space. If you're a neighbor is not taking care of their property, that can have a negative effect on your property. It's what's called trespassing. And this recognition of being able to say that if I'm going to take care of my property, I need to know what my boundaries are.

Because we all have people in our lives who seem to not respect the boundaries. Or they either don't know the boundary or they don't respect the boundary. So what we need to do is, what Paul and Barnabas did in the first reading today. At some point, it's like, okay, we've done all we can. We can't go any further. This is the line. This is the choice. If you want to belong to Jesus, God loves you so much.

Come on over. If you don't, we're going to move on. And every one of us gets to do that. In fact, every one of us has to do that. Why? Because when boundaries are unclear, you can't move on. When boundaries are unclear, you can't move on. And what ends up happening is,

you get the behavior, you're willing to tolerate. Now, I talk to people who I recommend the book, Boundaries, talk about this. And so many people say this. They say, well, I tried it. It didn't work. Listen, boundaries is not something you try. It's something you do. It's like Yoda.

I mean, it is not something you make an attempt at. It is something you have to live. In fact, realize this. Boundaries are not in attempt to control someone else's behavior or someone else's responses to something you do. It's choosing and then clearly communicating the behavior you're willing, to tolerate. Why? Because we get the behavior we're willing to tolerate. Number of years, God was in seminary. A woman that I've known for many, many years, a really good friend. She called because

she had a big problem. Her big problem was this. Her problem was that her mom was reaching out to her and needed money. Now, when this friend of mine was 13 years old, her mom abandoned her and her siblings and their father. And she went down this road of self-destructive behavior, down this road of addiction and the throat of just really, again, self-destructive behavior. Now, my friend has reached out to her mom over the years, her teen years, her 20s, just saying, mom, let me be part of your life. And her mom would always, maybe open the door, but most often shut her out. Even she'd come back with her first child and say, mom, I want you to meet your granddaughter, just meet her. No time. But when she was in trouble, that's when she'd call my friend. And so one night, my friend calls

and says, okay, my mom is in big trouble. She's going to lose her apartment. if I don't give her a couple thousand dollars. If I don't give my mom a couple thousand dollars, she's going to be homeless. She's down the street, and it'll be my fault. And I mean, I think the Bible says something about commandment number four, honoring your father or mother. How do I do this?

How do I honor my mom without enabling her behavior? Will I be sinning if I don't help her? When we talked it through and it was one of the situations where the reality is to honor someone is not to enable bad behavior. That she had made it clear that she wanted to be part of her mom's life and her mom made it clear to her, that she was only interested in her daughter if she was willing to help her

continue her destructive behavior. So I told my friend, I said, you know, to honor your parents doesn't mean you do everything they ask you. Especially if you're simply perpetuating this self-destructive behavior. So you can say no. You also could, if you wanted to,

you could say, Mom, I will only give you this money so you can keep your apartment if you're willing to take this next step. Like if you're willing to go to rehab, if you're willing to take those steps to actually get help. No, that's not ultimately an ultimatum as much as it is.

That's a boundary. I'm willing to tolerate this behavior. What behavior? I will help you if you help yourself. If you're not willing to help yourself, then I'm not going to help you. To have a clear boundary there. Because I'm not willing to enable the bad behavior

that might hurt my mom further. I remember talking to a bunch of other counselors and priests, and I know myself, a lot of times we have situations where we have students or we have people in our lives who will call us in the middle of the night. And they're in some kind of crisis. And kind of a policy, I have a policy that is whenever someone calls me, if they're in a crisis, I 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock at night, like, no, okay, I'm going to answer the phone.

I'm going to stay on the phone as long as you need. Why? Because I want this person to know that they matter. I want this person to know that, no, I'm taking their issue seriously. If they need help in that moment, like we need to go get help, then we'll do that once or twice. And then after that, I'll always establish a boundary to say, okay, you know, I want to be there for you. But here's my boundary. My boundary is, if you call after 1130, if you call after midnight, if you call after one, I'll answer. And if you're really in crisis, we're going to go to the hospital. Like if you, if you really need help right now, I will get up.

I'm going to come to your place. We're going to go to the hospital. If you don't need help right now, then we're going to hang up on each other and we're going to talk tomorrow morning. And it's just one of those clear boundaries that's just like, no, this is kind of what has to happen if we're going to help each other

because this is not just one person helping the other. This is us actually helping each other. In fact, I know so many Christians are like, yeah, but I have to say yes. I'm like, well, say yes to what? have to see as to my brother, my sister, who's in need. I've seen this so many times, so many times where here's a person that's in great need. One of even member of our community is like, I just, I care so much about this person.

I want to help them and they make themselves 100% completely available whenever this person in need needs help. And what happens every time is at some point they say, I can't do it anymore. Say, I really want to love this person who is in need. And at some point they say, I can't do it anymore. Why? Because they didn't have any boundaries. Now, what would have been more helpful is to say this, is to say, hey, I'm willing to come to your place. I'm willing to talk to you on the phone once a week.

And if you want to do more than that, I'm sorry, I just can't do that. What happens is if someone doesn't have boundaries at some point, they're not able to care. If someone doesn't have boundaries, at some point, their love gets to a place where it's, I can't sustain this anymore. And we get to do this. And in fact, I say that we have to do this. Why? Because we end up getting the behavior we're willing to tolerate. Remember coming across a story about a woman who, her father was a widow. Widower. Father was a widower. And after his wife had passed on, he was just by himself

for long periods of time. And so his daughter, I think her name was Anne, Anne decided, okay, I'm going to go over, I want to make sure dad has groceries every week. So Anne made a thing. So, I would like to take you every Saturday morning. I'm coming to your house. And I'm going to take you grocery shopping with me, get you groceries to the week, we can spend some time together, and then go back to your house, put the groceries away, and then I'm going to go back to take care of my family. The problem was, Anne's dad was just, he had very crude language that really, really upset Anne. And if she ever brought her kids on, she's like, I don't want them hearing their grandfather talk like this. And so at one point, instead of saying, I'm going to cut this person

out of my life, what Anne said is, dad, I want to help you, I don't help me get groceries, I want to spend time with you. I want to be able to bring your grandkids over and spend time with you. But I'm not willing to tolerate this, your language. And so if you want my help, I need you to not speak like this. So the next Saturday, she comes over and her dad right away just, you know, birds out whatever kind of, you know, crude thing. And she's like, well, dad, I'm sorry, I wanted to help you this Saturday, but I'll see you

next Saturday. And he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, what? He's like, no, I told you that I'm, I want to help you. I want to take care of you. I won't help you get groceries. But if you're going to talk like that, I'll come back next Saturday. So, came back next Saturday and first started out, okay, and then like maybe half an hour in, then he lets it loose.

And she's like, Dad, I thought you wanted help this weekend, but some other time. He's like, are you serious? Yes, I'm serious. And she left. Comes back the next Saturday. And it goes, well, for maybe two, three more Saturdays. And then the fourth Saturday, it lets it loose again. She's like, Dad, I thought you wanted my help, but apparently you don't.

So see you next Saturday. And that was it. That was this establishing, people say, like, I tried establishing boundaries. Yeah, but did you actually have any consequences to those boundaries? Here's this daughter who loves her father. She didn't cut him out of her life. But she did say, this is the behavior I'm willing to tolerate. Why?

Because we get the behavior we're willing to tolerate. I remember the first time this happened, one of our focused missionaries, I had this meeting with our first team director we ever had, so many years ago. And sitting at this coffee shop, we're having one-on-one. And at one point, our director of campus ministry, Heather, texted me. And I'm like, oh, Heather asked about this thing right after this. And I pulled my phone out and said, oh, Heather asked such and such. I'm saying no. And put it down. And then our team director looked at me, she said, could you please not text when we're having our one-on-one

meetings? I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I just, you know, I just Heather asked me a question. I just said no. It's like, I understand. Could you please not text when we're having a one-on-one meetings? I'm like, oh, yeah. So that was the last time I ever pulled out my phone during her one-on-one meetings. Other people, I don't care. They didn't tell me. Because why? Because we get the behavior. willing to tolerate, and God is the same. Think about Revelation. We heard Revelation in the second reading today. There's another part in the book of Revelation, chapter 3,

where Jesus says, he says, Behold, I stand at the door and knock. Jesus isn't going to barge in. He realizes, because there's a boundary. Hold, I stand at the door and knock. Anyone who opens the door, I'll come in and eat with him, and eat with me. There's a boundary that God respects.

Even God would say, I will go as far as I can, but I can't go farther than that. Think of even just, man, how many times in the Old Testament, Isaiah chapter 65, where God says, all day long, I held out my hands to a rebellious people, just begging them to come back. But I can't force them back. In fact, one of my favorite books by C.S. Lewis is a book called The Great Divorce. And the Great Divorce is the difference, the difference between heaven and hell. And so the idea is here's C.S. Louis having this vision where he's in the Greytown, which ultimately is hell.

But he leaves and he goes to these plains of heaven. and at one point, all these angels and saints come from the far off mountain to greet these ghosts and try to convince them to choose heaven. At one point, C.S. Lewis asks his guide, the one who comes to invite him to heaven, he asks him, he says, why don't they go even further? Why don't they come all the way down to hell, to rescue us? And his guide says, he says, every one of us, these saints and angels, every one of us lives only to go further and further into the heart of the Father, into the heart of God.

But every one of us has taken a break in that journey to come back on the chance that one of you would say yes to him. Like we can't. If we could go further, we would, but we can't because at some point, if you have that boundary, you're not going to, in fact, there's this one woman. And the thing that's keeping her in hell is she's a complainer, she's a grumbler. There's nothing that she's grateful for, nothing she's happy about. And at one point, CS Lewis asks his guidance, says, that seems so strange that.

that she'd stay out of heaven because she just complains too much. And as guide said, no, if there is even the smallest spark of something that's not a grumble in her, we'll gently blow on that spark until it bursts into a flame that is blazing. But if there's not even a spark, we're not going to go on blowing ashes into our eyes forever. At some point, we realize, I've done what I can, like Paul and Barnabas,

I've done all that I can and I can't do anymore. Now, I know the question comes up and says, well, when do I cut them out of my life? The answer is you don't ever cut someone out of your life. Essentially, when it comes to boundaries, we're not cutting someone out of our lives. What we're doing is we're setting clear boundaries for ourselves and then people self-select out of our lives because they are not willing to tolerate or not willing to accept the boundaries that we've set for ourselves. To not do this is to make oneself incapable of moving on.

Whether that's boundaries with family members or with. best friends for a lifetime or with coworkers or with your boss or with anyone in your life, we need to absolutely establish boundaries because I cannot move on unless I make space. Now there's the last thing. What if someone establishes boundaries for you? Okay? It's good to know this. It's good to know that to receive someone's boundaries is not to be rejected. It's not a reflection of your worth. Why? Because what's your worth? Here in the gospel, what does Jesus say? He doesn't say that I came to the claim the strong and the wise, the brave and the good.

Here's Jesus who says, I came to claim you, that you are the sheep of my pastor. You are one of my flock. I just came across a story recently of the reality of a thing called the bummer lamb. I don't know you ever heard of the bummer lamb. occasionally when a lamb gives birth or a sheep gives birth to a lamb for whatever reason sometimes the mother sheep will reject the lamb there's no there's no rhyme or reason to it but sometimes that mom will just reject the lamb and so it has to happen it's called that's the bummer lamb so it has to happen is unless the shepherd steps in and does something that sheep that lamb will

die and so what the shepherd does is the shepherd goes that lamb that's been rejected picks it up and brings it into his own home. And he'll warm it by the fire, and he'll feed it from a bottle. And a couple times a day, he'll pick up that lamb and just talk to the lamb. Hold the lamb and talk to the lamb. That's the lamb has been rejected by its mom. It's been rejected by those who shouldn't have rejected it. And then when it gets strong enough, he releases it back into the flock of lambs.

And this person telling the story said, I once saw early in the morning a shepherd get up and walked out to his field. And he just called out, sheep, sheep, sheep. Let him know if he was calling the sheep to him to feed them. And she said, the first of the lambs, the first of the sheep that came running to him, although all the lambs walked towards the shepherd,

the first lambs that ran to the shepherd were each bummer lambs. They were lambs that had been rejected. But the shepherd had embraced them. See, this is the thing that so many of us, we can wrestle with this reality that, yes, we need boundaries. If we're going to move forward, we're going to move on, we absolutely need boundaries. But that's not the same thing as being rejected.

Yes, God himself has boundaries. His behaviors that he's willing to tolerate, behaviors that he's not willing to tolerate. But that doesn't reflect your worth or my worth. What it reflects is this actually is the great dignity that has been entrusted to you. That you're free, you and I are free to walk away. but no one can take us from the Father's hand. You and I are free to go and live whatever life we want to live, but no one can steal us from the Father.

We do what we can, and we can't do more than that. But in each room, every one of our lives, every one of us, if we're going to move on, we need boundaries. If we're going to move on, we need to know that we get the behavior we're willing to tolerate. So for life, for freedom, and for good relationships. To establish and communicate clear boundaries is what we need to be able to move on.