Sunday Homilies with Fr. Mike Schmitz - 9/10/23 Tough Love: Only the Good Things

Episode Date: September 9, 2023

Homily from the Twenty-third Sunday in Ordinary Time Do I love enough to listen? Do I love enough to speak? In loving the people around us well, one thing we have to contend with is loving them well in our words. We avoid all unnecessary negatives, love enough to listen, and love enough to speak.Mass Readings from September 10, 2023:Ezekiel 33:7-9Psalm 95:1-2, 6-7, 8-9Romans 13:8-10 Matthew 18:15-20

Welcome to Sunday homilies with me, Father Mike Schmitz. I hope today's homily inspires and motivates you, and I also hope that it leaves you hungry for the one who gave everything to feed you. If you want to get this and other Sunday Mass resources sent straight to your inbox, sign up at ascensionpress.com slash Sunday, or by texting Sunday to 33777.7. You can also follow or subscribe on your podcast app for weekly notifications. God bless.

The Lord be with you. A reading from the Holy Gospel according to Matthew. Chapter 18 verses 15 through 20. Jesus said to his disciples, If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen,

take one or two others along with you so that every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. if he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector. Amen, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven,

and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again, amen, I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything for which they are to pray, it shall be granted to them by my Heavenly Father. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in their midst. The Gospel of the Lord. Wait you'd have a seat.

So I think that I have been blessed in the sense that I know. I was raised by parents who love me. And I've talked about before how it's one of the ways I know my parents love me. My mom, you know, she'd make meals for us every breakfast, every lunch, every dinner kind of thing. That was one way. But another way I remember I know my parents love me is that I don't know if I've ever actually shared this story.

So maybe I have and if I have this, here's a recap. But one time I must have been five years old and my mom took me with her grocery shopping up at Jake's Price Fighter Foods and just south of the South of the, South of the my hometown. And when we were walking through the aisles, there was this game, it's a Spider-Man game kind of thing. And I was like, Mom, I took it off the shelf. Mom, can I have this? And she said, nope, put it back. And I'm like, Mom, please. And I begged. And she said, nope, put it back. That was always her answer. And so kept going, put it back. We kept going. And what happened was, though, I doubled back later on. And when she wasn't looking, took it off the shelf, put it underneath

my shirt and stole it, basically, a little shoplifter at five years old. And made it all the way home, which is crazy. I made it all the way home and went into my sister's room as we're unpacking the groceries in my sister's room. And then I started, was starting to open this game. And my mom with her Spidey Sense, she must have known something was up. She came into the room and she's like, what is that? Is that what I told you, you know, not to take? Busted, completely busted. But what what she did next was the thing that just was, she's a good mom. She said, okay, pick it up. We're getting back in the car. We're driving back to the grocery store. Well, what are we going to do? you're going to walk in and you're going to tell them what you did.

And I was like, no, I can't do that. They're going to throw me in jail. Like, I don't know what's going to happen now. But she said, no, we're getting in the car. That's what you're going to do. So that's what happened. We got in the car, we went back to the grocery store. And she walked me to the door.

She stopped at the door so she could see what's going on. I walked up to the cashier and to the checkout lady. And basically here I am. And I was like, well, here, I took this. And I don't know how exactly what she did. I don't know if the manager was called or anything. It was that sense of like, okay, you chose this thing. You said that you, I told you what to do and you did the opposite.

Now, here's my mom, I'm going to let you experience the consequences of what you chose. That, just like my mom, you know, making the meals and just showing up all these time, that also is love. That's true love. We call it tough love, right? I mean, that's the phrase. It's called tough love. And those two words, they actually belong together because love, really loving. is tough.

So what we're doing is today, this Sunday, we're starting in a new series for the next four weeks. We're going to look at the reality that, yes, we're made for love, we're made to love, or made to receive love. But that doesn't mean it's easy. It is often difficult.

It's often tough love. And so that's what we're doing for the next four weeks, tough love. Which is wonderful because the second reading today, you know, St. Paul, what's he say? In Romans chapter 13, he says, oh, nothing to anyone except what? Except love?

Oh, nothing to anyone? except to love one another. St. Paul even, he continues to say, he says the second great commandment, right? Love one another as yourself. He says, the law is fulfilled in love. And so part of us might see this and think like, oh, that's great.

I'm made for love. I'm been redeemed for love. I am commanded to love a piece of cake. And yet we realize when we try to love, it is not a piece of cake. It is difficult. It is hard. It's tough because we at some point realize

that the word St. Paul uses for love is not the word for emotional love. It's the word for actionable love. It's not the word for having affection for someone. It's an effective kind of love. It's the word agape. And agape in so many ways has been defined by Christians at least and maybe by the whole world as this.

It's not the affection. It's not emotion. It's to actually choose the good of the other. So actually will the good of the other. So it's not having good feelings about someone because we're not commanded to have good feelings. were commanded to what, to choose the good of the person that we claim to love. And if you ever try that for even a moment, we realize that that means that real love costs

something. That means that real love will always, always involve sacrifice. We'll talk about that more as the series goes on, but real love will always involve sacrifice. We realize really quickly that real love is difficult, real love is hard, real love is tough. And again, let's go back to the phrase, tough love. Sometimes it means what I just said, which is parents who allow their children to experience the consequences of what they've chosen. Sometimes tough love is giving someone the good thing they need rather than the lesser thing that they'd rather have. The lesser thing they'd rather that they think they want or they think they can't deal without or they're willing to settle for.

And sometimes actually tough love could be telling someone the hard but necessary truth, right? telling them what the thing they need to hear. And that's what we're going to talk about today. This first step in tough love is being willing to tell the truth, being willing to say what needs to be said. Being willing to say what someone needs to hear. In fact, the first reading, it's from the book of the prophet Ezekiel, Ezekiel chapter 33.

And Ezekiel has a role, right? Ezekiel's a prophet. In fact, the scripture says, says Ezekiel, God is talking to Ezekiel saying, you're the watchman. What's the job of a watchman? The job of a watchman is to, watch and if he sees danger to say something. If a watchman sees danger and doesn't say anything, that's a bad watchman. And God says to Ezekiel, the prophet, okay, this is your role. Therefore,

your role gives you the responsibility that if you see rebellion, if you see people rejecting me, if you see people wandering away from my law, you have to say something. Your role gives you this responsibility. It's in the stakes are super high, right? And if you don't say something and they wander away, if you don't say something and they rebel, then it's not their fault. It's your fault. because that role gives the watchman, gives Ezekiel the responsibility. Now, we can look at that and say, like, well, I'm glad I'm not the prophet, right? I'm glad it's not me. I'm glad that I'm just like little old, I'm not the watchman.

In Jesus, in the gospel, though, he's like, okay, yeah, maybe you're not the prophet. Maybe your role hasn't given you this responsibility. But Jesus says, I bet you have a brother, a sister, a friend, someone in your life, that you need to give the hard word to, that you need to speak something they need to hear. and so Jesus tells us, okay, what about when you have something that needs to be said, you need to say it? When there's something that you have that needs to be said

between you and your brother, you and your sister, you and your friend, whoever this person is, this relationship gives you the responsibility. Right, so the prophet, their role gives them the responsibility. They have to speak. But Jesus highlights that and says, okay, sometimes your relationship gives you the responsibility and now you have to speak.

you have to be the person who's willing to say what needs to be said. And we do it, you know, so St. Paul in another letter, it's Ephesians Chapter 4. When we have to say what needs to be said, when we have to speak the words that need to be heard, St. Paul in Ephesians 4, he highlights this. He says, okay, here's how you do it. He says, avoid all evil and malicious speech. Avoid all evil and malicious talk. He says, say only the good things people need to hear, things that will really help them.

So the first thing we need to do is, as he says, is, okay, if I'm going to do this, if we're going to do this, if we're going to have our role give us the responsibility of saying what needs to be said, or our relationships give us the responsibility to say what needs to be said. The first thing I need to do is I need to avoid some things. And that thing is he says, avoid all evil and malicious talk. And what is that? Well, that's how about this? I'll say it like this.

How about the principle being, avoid all unnecessary negatives. What I mean by that is, okay, evil and malicious talk, unnecessary negatives, gossip, grumbling, complaining, being critical. Like the things that are super easy, right? The things that, like, how we bond with each other is, I think as human beings, the way we bond is through complaining to each other, like grumbling to each other. That's how we make connections because it's everywhere.

I mean, I started doing this thing where I was looking at, you know the 30-day challenge type things where people have like the, okay, for the next 30 days, no purchases that are unnecessary. Like just pay your bills, but nothing else. Or the next 30 days, you know, 10,000 steps a day. I saw this. how about for the next 30 days, no complaining? And I thought, great idea.

And like 10 seconds later, I was complaining. Why? Because it's everywhere. I find myself always constantly looking for the negative. Because that's, I mean, we know this. Negative emotion is more powerful than positive emotion. Over the past weekend, we, just someone asked you how your weekend was. Well, it was good, but this was the hard part.

Or even to think about how, again, how much more powerful negative emotion is over positive emotion. When it comes to connecting, think about the weather. Well, it's nice out. Yeah, it sure is. Yeah, it was nice. It was agreeable. But if you go, like the last couple days in Duluth have been so hot. Like, oh my gosh, it is so hot here. I know. I can't stop sweating. It's the worst. And that's, again, negative emotion more powerful than just nice day. Sure is. Like that's, there's so, it's so easy to fall into this trap of gossip, grumbling, complaining, being critical. For the first step, I think, in saying what needs to be said, saying the thing that will only help people is the first step is what we need to avoid.

And that thing I realize in myself, okay, I need to avoid all unnecessary negatives. And that's one of the things I'm like, okay, for the next 30 days for myself, during the whole course of this series, what I wanted to is that's the first step. I want to avoid all unnecessary negatives. That's a good kind of avoiding. When it comes to having to say what needs to be said, there's the bad kind of avoiding too. I mean, there's the, you know, when you have a conflict with someone

or when you are really, it's really clear, okay, I have to say something. Whether that's like Ezekiel the prophet, okay, I have to say something and call people back to the Lord or like Jesus talking about, like I have to actually reach out to my brother, I have to reach out to this person and I have to have the hard conversation. Man, it is so much easier to avoid the tension, right? It's so much easier to avoid the conversation. And this is ingrained in me so deeply. I remember panicking as a kid having to call Domino's pizza.

My mom had me the phone. I order the pizza. I'm like, ah, what? Domino's, what can I take your order? I'm like, blanking, wrong number, hang up. Because sometimes, for me at the time, that was the hard conversation. But the problem is, in avoiding the conversation, we end up avoiding the person. And I can't love the person if I'm avoiding them.

Of course, this temptation to avoid. It's one of the ways we protect our hearts. It's one of the ways we protect ourselves. It's just like, I'm gonna remove my, remove myself from the situation. I'm gonna avoid making eye contact with the person. I'm just gonna avoid being in their presence. And it happens, it happens in really sneaky and really subtle ways. This avoidance happens in really sneaky, really subtle ways.

But it also happens in really devastating ways. There's a psychologist named Dr. John Gottman. John Gottman is an expert in relationships. And he has studied, over the course of his career, he and his wife have studied thousands and thousands of thousands of couples. They've observed them, they've studied them. They've watched so many couples and studied so many couples that Gottman himself claims that he could watch a couple have a conversation for 15 minutes. And he claims this with 90% accuracy, predict whether they would get divorced

within the next three to five years. Because he says it's really obvious. He just, he looks for what he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse because when those things are present, the end is near, kind of a situation. And one of these four horses, the apocalypse that he says is, be a really, really negative sign that this relationship is not one of love. It's something he calls stonewalling. And for a long time, I was like, okay, stonewalling, I get the other contempt and defensiveness and some of those other horsemen. But this one of stonewalling, I was like, I don't know exactly what this is until I realized,

okay, this is what stonewalling is. Say, here's the person. Person A is sitting at the kitchen table. A person B walks in. This person A is just, you know, they're on their iPad, they're reading the newspaper, whatever. Person B walks in and says, oh my gosh, I have. at the most incredible day.

It was amazing, I got a promotion. Person A has a couple options. Person A could look up and they could say, really, you got a promotion? That means more work for you. That means more work for me now. That means all these kind of things. So rather than kind of like rejoicing with them being critical.

Or person B comes in and says, I've got a promotion. And person A sitting at the table could look over and say, well, I mean, I'm sure hope you can handle this kind of thing. Or even worse, person looks up and just kind of goes, huh. And the same thing happens with negative.

stuff too. That person walks in and says, I had the most horrible day and the other person responds with, you had a horrible day. Well, my day was even worse. Or, the most horrible day, on the way to work, I got a flat. On the way to work, it was caught in the rain. It didn't work, they get yelled at me. And the other person just simply responds by looking over and going, huh, I'm going back to their thing. Now, what is stonewalling? Stonewalling is the one person says something and the other doesn't react. And it's fairly simple. This is the reason. This is the is why it's so sneaky. My stonewalling is so sneaky is because you can always deny it. Because the one person is like, what? What? What? What? I didn't do anything. They're right.

They didn't do anything. And you could say, like, well, I want you to be happy for me or be sad for me. And the other person can just say, what, I'm sorry I didn't do backflips. I'm sorry my response wasn't the response you wanted. But here's the problem. There wasn't any response. They were simply avoiding giving that person their attention. They were avoiding giving that person what they were looking for. Basically, the person came in and here's that Gottman's phrase, They're making a bid. And the other person is just like, hey, I just want to say this. I'm just sliding this across the table.

Come meet me here, whether it be a really high place or meet me down here at this really low place or even just kind of like acknowledge the fact that I walked into the room. But so often we're trying to protect our hearts, we avoid. We avoid the other person. We avoid meeting them here. We avoid meeting them here. Or we avoid even just, you know, they say, hey, look at that red bird out there. What do you care about redbirds?

Instead of saying, oh, really, where? Oh, no, it just flew away, no big deal. But see, in that last example, look at that red bird. Oh, where do they wear? No, no, no way just flew away. The person made a bid. The other person just responded to the bid. And this is one of the things Gottman says,

when couples make bids and the other doesn't respond, then they just stop making bids. And they stop talking. They start being defensive. They start holding on to contempt with one another. when they start avoiding each other, then they stop loving each other because I can't love someone if I'm avoiding them.

And the reality is, of course, we can be tempted to do this in so many ways, attempted to avoid that hard conversation in so many ways. And I'm guilty of this. This is one of the reasons why I'm reflecting on this because I'm so guilty of this. You know, over the last year, I was talking with our team director for Focus.

His name is Noah. You might have recognized Noah from this. At one point, there was a big decision that we had to make with the focus team, with the staff here at Newman, and it was a situation involving a lot of people. And so Noah and I talked about this, and he said, okay, I said, well, let's get everyone together and just, you know, kind of clear the air, let's make sure we can all be on the same page, but this big decision where we have a lot of disagreements.

And great, we'll do this on Wednesday or something like this. And in the meantime, I, like, called everyone, I contacted everyone individually. And just so I thought, you know what, getting everyone in the room, will be kind of dangerous, being everyone in the room, we could step on each other's toes, we can make the wrong decision. So I'm just going to talk to everyone individually, make sure everyone's on the same page. So later on, I contacted Noah and said, hey, I talk to everyone. It's all solved. And I was like, hey, I fixed it.

Like I fixed the problem. I solved the problem. And it was kind of quote unquote solved. But a bit after this, Noah asked if we could have a conversation. And it was so good because he was just really direct, but also really kind. And he said, here's my issue. He said, yeah, you fixed the problem. But how you did it is you sideload those conversations in our

order to avoid the tension. And as he said those words, those were his words. I thought, oh my gosh, that's exactly what I did. I was avoiding the tension. I was avoiding that conversation and therefore I was avoiding this opportunity to actually let these people love each other. But he didn't do that. He actually cared enough about me. He cared enough about the relationship that he refused to avoid me. He refused to avoid that hard conversation and he chose to do the difficult thing. he chose to say the hard thing that I needed to hear. In that moment, here's Noah's just like what Jesus said to do. He's just like what Paul said to do in the letter to the Ephesians.

Avoid all evil or Melissa's speech, but say only the good things that people need to hear, things that will actually really help them. So say what you need to say. You know, I think the first step in saying what you need to say is to listen. I have to ask the question, do I love someone enough, not just to speak to them, Do I love them enough to listen to them?

Because I think often the first step in saying what people need to hear is hearing what they have to say. Because I can look at someone's behaviors and say, oh, I know what's going on in their life. I can listen to them over and overhear them talking about something that I know what's going on in their lives. But I actually won't necessarily know what is going on in a person's inner world or I won't even know what will really help them

until I am willing to listen to them. so again if it's going to be if i'm going to love someone if i'm going to have this tough love the tough part maybe for me is going to be i'm going to have to listen to them and i'll not just listen but i'm going to have to assume the best i think that's one of the things jesus is saying in this gospel today he says if your brother sins against you just just go talk to him about this rather than bringing everyone in right away just assume the best talk with him directly And, you know, this is such good wisdom. Do I love them enough to listen to them?

St. Ignatius of Loyola, he's the founder of the Jesuits. Talk about someone who, he lived in community, basically his whole adult life, trying to help other men become saints, essentially. But, you know, when you get a group of people together and they're not yet saints, it could be really, really messy. And St. Ignatius knew all about the messiness. And so he had some advice. He had some advice about what happens when you have those,

tensions, what happens when you look at someone and say, their behavior is way off-off-base? He basically says the first thing you need to do is you need to love them enough to listen. You need to love them enough to assume the best. In fact, here's his quote. He said, every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another's statement than to condemn it. We should be quicker to say they probably mean the best possible thing than rather than say, I can pick that word apart and entwist it to what I think they mean.

He goes on to say, he says, and if you can't do so, if you can't give a favorable interpretation to what they said or to what they did, let him ask how the other person understands it. Okay, you said this, is that why you meant? Basically, do I love you enough to listen to your perspective, to your side of the story? Can I assume the best? He goes on to say, and if the other understands it badly, well then let him be corrected with love. So the first step is, let me listen to you enough, let me actually assume the best. So I'm going to give a favorable interpretation, a positive interpretation, rather than condemning what you're saying.

And then the next thing is I'm going to ask you, how do you understand it? If you don't understand it well or wisely, then I'm going to try to correct you with love and goes on to say, and if that doesn't suffice, if that's not enough, that the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct understanding so that he may be saved. Because that's the goal. Right? The goal of saying what you need to say is not to vent because I'm a necessary. and is not to complain because things aren't the way I prefer, but because words need to be said that will actually help the other person. Again, we don't say what needs to be said because I need to vent,

or I don't complain because things aren't the way I want. We don't say things to hurt someone. We say them to help them. Remember, what love is. Love is willing the good of the other. So if I need to say that thing, if my role gives me the responsibility of saying this, or my relationships give me the responsibility of saying this, the whole point of the point is for their good. That's one of the reasons I have to ask the questions. Okay, am I avoiding the hard thing? Am I avoiding the person? Am avoiding loving them? And then do I love them enough to listen to them? And do I love them enough to speak? Then I get to ask the question, okay,

does this need to be said? Will this really help them? Remember what St. Paul said? Say only the good things people need to hear, things that will really help them. Does this need to be said? And also, So does this need to be said by me? And you might come to the conclusion that actually it does. Because if I actually love this person, then I need to say this. This last summer I shared the story about a man named Penjolet. He's a comedian, a magician. He's a pretty outspoken atheist.

I share this story once again because I shared this after our students already left. So this weekend they'll be there. I want to share the story with them about Penjolette. At one point, again, he's an outspoken atheist. At one point, he was, he made a, just kind of a quick video that he posted online. he recorded it on his computer from his hotel room because he had just had an experience after one of his shows and briefly put, after one of his shows,

he said this man came up to him and the man was really polite, really kind, he was really encouraging and really complimentary about the show and everything. And then he said, and also Mr. Gillette, I just want to let you know, I'm a Christian and God is really important to me. And I believe in Jesus, I believe he loves every one of us and I believe that you would be blessed if you had this. And he gave him a little Bible.

And he said, I don't want to, you know, I'm not trying to impose anything on you, but I just, I really admire and respect your work and I would like you to have this. And July, again, as he's recording himself, he's describing, like, this was a great interaction. He was very kind. It wasn't like off-putting, wasn't rude or anything like this. And he reflected on this more. And he said, you know, some people might think that, oh, who's that guy, that Christian trying

to make you a Christian? Aren't you offended by this? And Gillette was like, I'm not offended. In fact, he goes, this is what he said. He said, I've always said that I don't respect people who don't proselytes, right? He said, I don't respect people who won't evangelize. He said, I don't respect that at all. This is this quote.

He said, if you believe there is a heaven and a hell and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life. And you think it's not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward. Then he says, how much do you have to hate someone, not to share the gospel. He said, how much you have to hate someone to believe in everlasting life as possible

and not tell them that. If I believe, beyond a shout out of doubt, if a truck was coming at you and you didn't believe the truck was bearing down in you, there's a certain point where I'm going to tackle you. And he said, and this whole issue, this is more important than that. This whole notion of eternal life is more important than that.

Am I willing to love someone, not avoid them? I'm willing to love someone enough to listen. Am I willing to love someone enough to speak when something needs to be said? And sometimes we can't avoid it. No, you might think, like, I would never, I could never do that. I'm not going to go up to a celebrity and say, here's a Bible kind of situation.

Okay, fine, that's okay. Maybe that's not your role, so maybe that's not your responsibility. But here's the last thing. What if someone asked you to? Like, what if you got a friend and they actually asked you Hey, what do you think? Will you and I, we love them enough not to avoid answering the question?

Will we love them enough to listen? Will we love them enough to speak? If someone asked you, you know, years ago, I have a friend of his name is Joe. Joe's from Tennessee. At the time, Joe was down in Tennessee. He was, I don't know, late teens, early 20s, maybe, maybe even mid-20s. And he's working at UPS. He's just working on the sorting boxes and everything.

So got to stand around a lot with a bunch of guys. And he said he had a fun time. They became his work buddies. and he laughed with these guys. They're super fun. He said, but, you know, it's kind of difficult because after every weekend, you know, the first things they're talking about

was the stories of the conquests they had, the stories of the hijinks I got up to, or, you know, any kind of holiday was, you know, how many girls they were with over the course of the weekend. He said he always got quiet during that time. Like, I'm just not going to participate in that kind of conversation. At one point, one of these guys named Richard, Richard was going on and on about, you know,

these women he hooked up with previous weekend and all the other things he did. And he noticed that Joe was quiet about this. And he noticed Joe, he normally really talkative, really bubbly guy. And he said, Joe, you're not saying anything about this. What do you think about my weekend? What do you think about what I'm doing? He's going to put him on the spot.

And Joe is like, he said, I don't, you don't need me to say anything. Kind of put it off. Like, no, Joe, I really want to know it. What do you think? And said, Joe, in that moment, deep Tennessee, he had this accent. He was like, in that moment, he said, I prayed the prayer that every prophet has ever. Joe's the kind of guy would say garsh, right? So he's like, he said, I prayed the prayer.

Every prophet's ever prayed. He's like, Lord, just help me now. And at one point, he'd say he prayed and he looked up and he said, Richard, I know that you're saying that you're just having fun and you think you're just having fun. But the choices you're making and how you're living, you're leaving a trail of sadness in your wake. And not just for these women, but for your family and for your real friends. and for yourself.

And if you keep living like this, your choices will catch up with you and you will have to answer to someone for all the brokenness that you're leaving behind you. He said, one day God will show you the effects of your decisions. And then, Richard, then that day you will know real sadness. We got quiet. And all of a sudden, all the guys around Joe are like,

Joe, you're a preacher. And they were like, wow, Richard. And all the guys were like, that's it. Richard, Joe's right. You can't be doing this. And it was one of those moments of conviction because he was asked, will you love me enough to actually tell me the truth? That's the question we get to be asked. Own nothing to anyone except to love one another. And even to love one another when it's tough. And it's going to cost something. It's going to mean I love enough not to avoid avoid another person. It means I'm going to love them enough to listen. It means I'm

going to love them enough to speak. And that's difficult and that's hard and that is tough love. But if you don't say those words that need to be said, if you don't love in the way they need to be loved, then who is going to say those words and who is going to love those people in your life?