Sunday Papers - Mike Walks Off the Golf Course + Chelsea Handler Roast Fallout | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: May 24, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg nearly retires after one week of boredom, Mike melts down on the golf course and walks off by the fifth hole, and the guys break down the Chelsea Handler roast controversy. Plus subscription regret, a coyote on the fairway, New York vs New Jersey World Cup drama, listener corrections, and another round of comic captions. Support the show and keep the lights on: Hims Weight Loss https://www.hims.com/papers Rocket Money https://rocketmoney.com/papers This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're no longer young people. You're just people. And people are either productive or dead weight. It's my first day of work, and I need to make a big impression. Were you just checking me out? No. It's too bad. I see at least 15 ladies I need to talk to you before my beta block is off.

My coworkers don't take me seriously. It's not a human. It's just a piece of meat. Someone bring a gurney. Hey y'all. It's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up?

That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what-in. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.com, every style, every home. Greg, my, from and to my farm. Don't have friends, so I listen alone. Give me the news and the comics.

CBS Radio has been canceled. Is no longer 100 years. How long do you think CBS Radio? it was on the air. This is CBS News. It's like at the top of the hour on all these TV. CBS. CBS News radio.

It's been on for 100 years. Almost 100 years. Wow. Yeah. Unbelievable. It started 1927. One year short of 100 years. Oh, my God.

Today. Well, maybe it's 100. count 27 and now is 26, you know? Yeah. It's in business. And today's Friday last night was the last Colbert. Colbert's off the air. CBS News is off the air.

How long are they Kimmel will last? They're gun and for him. Colbert is CBS, but that's the late show, you know, that Letterman started. So that's 30 years or whatever it is. 60 minutes is completely neutered. It's unwatchable. and uh i don't know i still think they're doing good stuff and they're fighting yeah but you can't trust it

you can't trust it right not not 100% anymore no um 90 so what's going on you got a little be in your bonnet coming in today yeah well uh you're referring to our golf this morning well no well yeah we can start there and then we'll get it to the other being your bonnet yeah you came out you played horrible you had this you had this weird swing where you barely followed through and uh that's my swing so yes i have a weird swing no it was way different today you i was trying you were doing something different it's golf talk but you know anything maybe it's relatable i was kind of in a bad mood anyway i didn't sleep well in a bad place and so then you you do something, so it doesn't matter, I'm going to make this bigger than golf. So then you, like,

go do something and you suck at it. And it just, it almost like, I don't know if it was self-fulfilling or it validates in a, in a very negative way, you're already bad mood or seals it or cements it, however you want to say it, it's just now doubled up. Yeah, golf will do that to you. And I literally thought, I mean, it was friendly game. And I love. And, you know, four of us were out there. And I was like, I'm out. I mean, the fifth hole comes. You walked off the course on the fifth hall.

It was like a little child having a tantrum at the playground. It was a little. On the way home, I'm like, all right, let me try to separate this from ego, which is incredibly, that's why everyone's, a lot of people love hallucinogenics. It does that for you. And it's very, very hard to separate. Like, what was ego or what was me? kind of doing the best thing.

Also, keep in mind, I didn't just hit a bad shot and storm off. That hole is the closest hole to the parking lot. And we finished the hole and I said, guys, you know, I think I'm going to head in. So it wasn't like...

Guess what you missed. Guess what you missed on the ninth thall? A fucking, a giant coyote walked across the fairway. Like walked across, ears back, went into a sand track, and was hiding because there was a giant black crow.

And his body lengthened up. And then another crow went, and the first crow fucking took off. And then the coyote made a move. To where? It's a fenced-in tiny health. I have no idea where the fucking coyote lives because this is an urban golf course.

It's in a city. There's no woods around. I would have stayed for that. Yeah, it was pretty cool. I got some video of it. I would have welcomed it latching onto my jugular on my walk to my car. That's for sure. And he had an Acme Dynamite box with him, which was crazy. So anyway. The real thing you're annoyed about, let's get to the real thing at the base of what you're so annoyed about.

Oh, no, I'm not that annoyed. I just... No, but you've got to play it up. It's good for the ratings. Oh, all right. But I think listeners who know me know, like, it's, I'm not going to get that bothered by it. In fact, my, my sort of a great example of how I should be is how Shane Gillis is. It's about Chelsea Handler is on this publicity tour, basically bad-mouthing the roast and talking about how it made her uncomfortable and this. And like, Shane Gillis then tweets, this is a big moment for Chelsea. I'm glad she's capitalizing.

And then he goes, good for her. We're all rooting for her. Anyway, come see me July 17th at the football stadium in Philly. Because he's just crushing it. Hilarious. Well, look, you know, she said, I mean, the roast, the roast has changed. And she's kind of looking at it through the lens of what the old roast were, which were a little more gentle.

I mean, ever since they started on Comedy Central with, you know, when it was the Friars Club roast, which was going back to like their early aughts, like late 90s, early aughts, there still was a sense of camaraderie and it was a little more class. And now it's just a fucking MMA fight. Well, here's the thing.

And I have to be careful of what I say because of my position and what maybe could only be. be known to me. But Chelsea, as she will tell you and maybe has, is like, you know, wrote her own set, right? You know, maybe with some resources or whatever, but she, she, the room did not write her set. And she comes out and I think it's very obvious to anyone that saw the rose. She really had it out for Tony and Shane. She did, she opened with seven jokes on Shane. Later, she did, she did aid on Tony

and it didn't stop there. She then did some weird jokes that were about like the dais being pedophiles and MAGA like basically getting Donald Trump elected. And meanwhile

the whole dais is there. So listen, the thing with Chelsea Handler is, and I think this is very objective also, not subjective. She never lets like humor or truth or logic get in the way of her jokes.

She'll just say things that aren't really jokes. She'll say things that make no sense. Like what? She does it with attitude. So she's like, congratulations you. Welcome tonight's episode of To Catch a Predator. Keep in mind, this is the dais.

Naim, Naeem Lin, Draymond Green, Pete Davidson, Cheryl Underwood, Big J. Ogerson, like Kevin Hart's there. So this is to catch a predator. This is the real who's who of statutory rapists. We're just lucky you can't afford an island. So then she goes, and again, keep in mind, she's really talking to Tony and Shane. Because she goes, congratulations, you guys, you did it. You helped get Donald Trump elected. Way to go. I mean, this is, I mean, Pete Davidson, no, Draymond, no, Naimland, no, Cheryl Underwood, no, Jeff Ross is a liberal, big Jay O'Kerson, I don't even know

what his political thing is. And she goes, but now your favorite leader is making the draft mandatory. I assume that all of you will be signing up to go fight in Iran, or do you tough-talking pussies only go to the Middle East for comedy festivals? Okay, Chelsea. First of all, they're all, they can't be drafted. Like, whatever, I'll let that one go. Who cares that her joke doesn't make?

make sense. But if your targets are Tony and Shane, both of them didn't go to the comedy festival. Well, yeah. Your greatest friend Kevin Hart went. Yes. And Pete Davidson went, who Pete Davidson, Davidson, three more sentences later, you said, is the least problematic guy up here. So which is it, Chelsea? Yeah. Interesting. It's. Well, I mean, on the other side, And also here, the last thing I'll say, why is anyone, I mean, she's been told this before, but like you cannot talk. You can not, you can say no comment or you don't have to say things, Chelsea Hamler. Why and why is anyone listening to an uneducated Miss Teen New Jersey's opinions

on anything, including comedy? Why on Black Lives? matter? Are you a constant just voice in the mix? Why on any issue that comes up, politics? It's crazy to me. Well, I think, I think where she's coming from is she's looking at this disaster of the Trump presidency and its ramifications on our country, on the Constitution, on our future. And she's looking at anybody that enabled that. And there's an argument that they were enabled that, you know, that these podcasters did have a hand in that. And she's a very political person. So she's coming out swinging about that. Is it factual? No. Was it that funny? No. But I get where she's coming from. If that's how you believe about, if that's what you believe about Trump,

then there is anger behind people that had a platform that helped that, election happened. I know, but jokes have to work. Like, if you're, if you're upset at Epstein Island and you come into the Tom Brady roast and more three quarters of your set is about everyone's like, what, read, what room do you think you're in? Right. That's not what this is about. And I went, like, sure, make some jokes. And by the way, hit Tony and Shane, like as much as you want, but make your jokes make sense. Right. All right. Good joke. Good joke. Good joke. has to work. These don't work. Yeah. And it, this

I am. It's not a personal thing. It's like I, and you know, I think her energy and all that, I think she, she didn't bomb or do, like, do badly. It's just, it's now when you're going out on this sort of speaking tour and showing up wherever anyone

will have a microphone for you. Like, and bad-mouthing at all. It's like, that's, I guess what's gotten me to look back and be like, wait, let's look at what you. did there. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I have some comments off the air that I'll have to make. There's so much to be said behind the scenes about it all. But I think it's better left unsaid. Can I talk about my week a little bit? I'd love it. I can't. I can't talk about my week

because I didn't have a week. My back went out on Monday and I was supposed to play golf a couple times, which I was really looking forward to good groups of guys. And then I didn't get many spots at the clubs this week at all. It was a very slow week. Some weeks I get every single show that I ask to be on at every club I get on. This week, I don't know, Seguera was in town. There was a lot of people in town. I just sort of didn't get on many shows. And so I was sitting around and I was like, fuck, man, this is what it's like to be retired, you know? And I always fantasize. I, about getting retired because I just turned 60. And so I just checked my social security payouts for the first time online.

I called the Writers Guild to see what my pension is online. I looked at my stocks. I had a meeting with my stock broker about when I can retire and how much money I'll have coming. And it's like, is that what I'm looking at? I mean, because I don't, I didn't like it. I didn't like my week in retirement this week. I was, I was fucking depressed.

I was bored. I was antsy. All right, so we're back. I was in the middle of a rant about not wanting to be retired. And then you, the cheapest motherfucker I've ever met, just switched your internet to T-Mobile. What did you save? $9? No, but there's a special feature that filters out just bullshit that I don't want to hear. So it just shut you off in the middle of your retirement rolls.

How much money did you save switching your internet provider when you do a podcast every week? No, I thought this might be better. It started because, yes, my frontier has doubled the price of Wi-Fi since I originally got it. Yeah. And anyway, but this thing where you put a box in the window and it gives you Wi-Fi through, cellular service is not working out, although I'm glad I missed your story. I was on a roll. Well, keep it, and then we'll decide where the funny edit point is to come back in.

Now, let's get, let's get to it. The logo this week comes from Jane S. We love Jane S. Close friend of the show. Go ahead. Does logos. She does comic captions. Hold on.

I believe she's done music. We might match. My card's full, apparently. Unbelievable. We're not back yet. We're not back from the fucking interruption. What a fucking disaster. I would like to thank Jane S, who is a frequent contributor and good friend of the show.

She did this week's logo. It is us from The Shining. Look at us. Spooky. What is it, room 327 down the hallway? I think it was 327. And there's a documentary called that, I believe. Yeah.

And song, Ryan M. Pink did this week's song. Raw. Second or third time he's done one for us. It's raw. It's kind of what we're looking for. If you want to make a song, send it into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

We're not looking for, the fucking, you know, bittersweet symphony here. Just something, something fun, something original. No covers. We don't do covers.

We can't because of the algorithm. Why do we care about the algorithm? Why do we? I got a little echo going. Matt, I get a little echo going in my headphones. Should we review what a comedy of errors

today's production has been and it's all our fault? You have your headphones plugged in. right? My headphones are in and you're sounding normal and natural. Okay. Just for the listeners, my SD card on our little recorders here. All of a sudden I looked down and it's not recording because it was full and we had to take a giant time out. Never mind my internet connection. So we don't know where it dropped out. This is going to be a little bit of a clunky podcast, but we got some good stories. We also got some corrections.

I hope none of my Chelsea Handler stuff made it through. That's all I hope. Rich McCabe said, great show, but the dressing room scandal you may be thinking of is our convicted felon president who sexually assaulted E. Jean Carroll in a dressing room at a Bergdorf Goodman in New York City. You don't have to say allegedly he was convicted. And then somebody else said, if you played board games,

it was Trump in the dressing room with the sexual assaults. While his penalty was $5 million, dollars, his repeated calling EG and Carol a liar after conviction cost him $88 million for defamation. Well, maybe he's the victim of that, so he'll collect some of his own money that he's put aside now. Oh, right. For the weaponization. Okay. And then Mark G. had a number of things to point out.

He's like, you said Sarah Silverman had a sketch comedy show on Comedy Central. The Sarah Silverman program was a sitcom. Come on, writer. And he is right, but it did feel like a sketch show. It felt like a series of sketches that were slightly held together by some tendons of stories. Now you're acting like Trump. You were like found guilty of that fact. And now you're badmouting the decision.

He also said you were making a joke about Republicans watching the movie. heated rivalry. It's a series on HBO, not a movie. But, Craig, it felt like a movie. Well, look, my pants are not usually around my ankles during a TV series. That's a good point. And then he said, also, you kept talking about antivirus and whether there was an antivirus.

The word you were looking for was vaccine. Who says antivirus? Okay. And the makers of COVID vaccine, you guessed. Merck, it was Moderna and Pfizer, and then the poor man's was Johnson and Johnson. There you go. Okay. Well, crazy week.

I think those were all pointed at you. I might have said anti-Va-I don't think so. No, that was me. I was anti-Vax. I was way off last week. Next week, though, I'm going to be right on at the Laugh Boston Comedy Club, May 29th and 30th. Rochester, New Hampshire at the Opera House, June 5th, Agunkett, Maine at Jonathan's on June 6th, Huntington Beach at Mamba, July 12th.

Also dates coming up at Cincinnati and Columbus this summer. Go to fitsdog.com for tickets. Come out and say hi. Also shout out to Gotham Productions, our studio who does an amazing job, very patient with us. Yes, especially today. Do you want to talk about your weight loss, Mike? Oh, boy, do I, man?

You know what's frustrating about weight loss for everybody? You suddenly become a scientist. One guy's like cut carbs and others like fast for 16 hours. We see this all the time in L.A., especially. Are you kidding me? People are just drinking like lemonade for two or three weeks. It's crazy. What was your solution when you lost the weight?

What did you do? Me? Yeah. What kind of question is this? Are you asking me for real? Are we in this? No, for real. For real.

You lost some weight in the last couple years. It was mostly self-loathing. I found that burns a lot of calories. We should sell that. We should be sponsors of yourself. Look, you can call people and shame them into losing weight. There's an easier way, which is what we're going to get to. Olivia and our friend just came to my house.

They're like, Ted, you have nothing here. And then Olivia like literally like kind of just like sort of confronts me and it's like, what do you eat? And I go, well, that keeps me from like eating a lot. But I have a lot of frozen stuff and stuff in the pantry in cans. I realize I'm talking to her. She's the poor girl like, oh my God, my dad lives in a bunker. That's basically what's going on. Well, if you want to lose weight the right way, we have some friends that you know.

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The pill or the pen. Either one. You lose up to 20% or more of your body weight when combined with diet and exercise. It regulates. your appetite. That's the big thing and it helps you eat less. Very much easier way than me eating less by depriving myself and not shopping. And it's really a good thing. The grovee pill is the first ever and only GLP1 available in a pill for weight loss.

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Will go to be clinical study information and restrictions. Visit Hymns.com. All right. That was pretty good. You called me. You just called me frugal and here we are with rocket money. this is what I need. It's amazing.

Maybe, you know, it's kind of part of my decision with this cheaper internet. And I should be looking, it's a good example. I should be looking at the bigger fish to fry in terms of me saving money. And rocket money, you open your account. Suddenly there are little charges everywhere. A coffee here, random online purchase there, a subscription, you forgot existed. I have like six of those. that's Rocket Money.

It gives you a clearer picture of everything happening financially in one place. You can track. I literally look at like Paramount Plus and I go, I did not have any idea. I have not watched a show in three years on Paramount Plus. And I've been paying 12 bucks a month or whatever it is. And I've got about I've got about a dozen. I've got Audible.com that I don't use anymore. I plugged into Rocket Money.

Let me tell you something. I probably saved $190 altogether with everything that canceled. Here's my popular move that a lot of people can relate to. I pay for Hulu twice because it's packaged in one. Oh, right. Maybe with Disney and ESPN. I can't even keep track. Well, it categorizes transactions across accounts so you can see the pattern.

Sometimes you're thinking, and it's not just about subscriptions, about your spending. It gives you a bird's eye view and you can kind of look at things differently. You find out that your quick little purchases, they become a category of themselves. This way you set up budgets, financial goals, get alerts

for large purchases, upcoming bills, low balances. You can track your checking, savings, investments, all in one dashboard. There it is. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find

and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash papers. That's rocketmoney.com slash papers. Rocketmoney.com slash papers. Speaking of papers. I missed the handoff there. You wanted me to read that last part. Twice. I'm going to let you write twice because you have the stronger voice. I'm about to take the voice coaching that you're taking. Mikey Fitzgibbon hooked us up.

The problem is like I'll fly to Atlanta on a Friday cross-country dry air, hit the ground. Three hours later, I'm on stage and I'm doing two one-hour shows. And by the end of the second show, I have no, I've literally lost my voice on stage. And so we got this voice coach now who's amazing. And DM me if you're looking for a voice coach and I'll give you his info. He should sponsor us. Yeah.

What does a gay guy have to do with it? Oh, are you kidding me? There is nothing more nourishing. You feel heard with the gay guy. You know, like he comes from theater. I think he was on Broadway. sings opera and he's the kind of guy that you you can gossip with but when it gets time for work he gets down to it oh great cut to a month from now that's the sunday papers

read all about it and you're like i love it i love it what can i crankle where's the fabulous front page all clear from your diet from your gay diaphragm. All right, front page, here we go. Mr. Trump has launched 622 products since the start of his second term. That's not possible. Is that right? In 2017, the Trump Organization launched an official retail website,

Trumpstore.com, which sells, shocking, his name's in it, which sells Trump branded merchandise from the president's famous Make America Great Again, hats to T-shirts, glassware, and more. The store even sells products that reference an unconstitutional third presidential term for Trump, such as a four more years hat, Trump 2028 merch, and a Trump 2028, parentheses, rewrite the rules, t-shirt. Unbelievable. Here's where we get into trouble, okay, because there's always the joke out. Everybody plays the joke out. It's a joke until it's not.

He's testing the waters. This is what he does. And then all these people go, ah, he's kidding. He's funny. And it's like, yeah, until he's handing out million-dollar checks to people who assaulted cops in the Capitol.

You know, that idea was floated in a jokey way until suddenly it's in front of Congress and they're deciding whether or not they're going to allocate the funds. It's like when you're with your second cousin and you're like, and she's got big boobs and you're like, We should make out.

And you laugh, but then you kind of stare at her at the same time. Yeah. All right. We'll just feel each other up. Yeah. That's a ballback. Yeah. So I looked into some.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Go give me the product. I looked into some of his other products. The Trump watch, many buyers have reported waiting upwards of five months. Many others, there's no watch delivered. The complaints of unresponsive. of customer service, defective, and ready for this?

Rump watches. Customers received their high-end timepieces, retailing for $1,000 and complained about missing letters. There was a case where there was no T. It just said rump. Now you got the Trump phone, where nine months ago, like tens of thousands of people gave $100 deposits for this gold-covered smartphone.

and nobody got them. Nobody got them. And now they're just starting to ship now. And people are like, oh, this old piece of junk, it's got the three and a half millimeter headphone jack. It's heavy. It's all foreign components when it was advertised as made in the USA. Wait, did you hear about that?

It was going to be like, no, first the promise shot, made in the USA. Then it was like, well, that's not going to happen. It's going to be assembled in the USA. And then I heard this. I have not read it. So it sounds like a joke, but I bet it's true. Then it switched the legal language to inspired by the USA. How about inspired by a phone that works? How about that? No, but I mean, 622 products. How about these products? How about some government services? How about that? How about the government runs things? And Fine. You can change it, but you don't have to cut it so it disappears forever. Like you want to do with Social Security and Medicare and stuff. How about working on some products and improving the ones that exist that are helping Americans? How about that?

How about some help lines where people can get through to social services who are working two jobs and might be single parents with three kids that are trying to help them with their homework and get them to school on a public bus? And now you want them to spend three hours on hold navigating a health care system? I mean, how about putting some creativity and energy behind that? That's ridiculous. Let's get to this next story. Enough.

Hooters says, bring the kids beneath a sign that this is well written. It was more of an article than like a news sort of a few paragraphs. beneath this sign that reads, quote, caution, blonde's thinking. A six-year-old girl sip soda through a bendy straw. Nearby members of a middle school baseball team, Wolfdown Funnel Fries at a table printed with Hooters swimsuit calendar girls. In a corner, a server wearing hot pants hands balloons and crayons to young girls fresh off a dance performance. It didn't have polls, I hope. Hooters was founded in 1983 by six Florida businessmen who, quote, got together to open a place they couldn't get kicked out of.

That's according to the company website. At the first Hooters in Clearwater, Florida and all female waitstaff in revealing outfits served the wings, burgers, and beer. So the article goes on to explain how then it was bought and the original people, then it was split. because of different sort of theories on what it should be. And in recent months, the original owners have moved to reclaim much of the business, acquiring roughly 140 locations with a plan to, quote, re-huterize the brand. They aim to return hooters to what they describe as its core identity, a casual place with a family-friendly vibe.

It doesn't sound like that was the original identity of the place. Yeah. No, it's Floridian, Florida men who wanted a place they wouldn't get kicked out of. Yeah. You mean like a basement with a padlock on the top of it? They want to get back to its core identity, a place for high school cheerleaders to transition into strippers and eventually only fans models. That's the core identity. A place where Bill Maher and David Lee Roth can still get hand jobs.

this article had pictures so there's like little girls and they're literally have crayons and on the wall is this basically naked woman like yeah it's it's a bathing suit which covers like less than lingerie on on on like right at the end of their table it's so funny i mean just be honest about it i guess right also in florida aren't there scantily clad waitresses in every institution down there? Yes. And there's another place. I forget what it's called, but it's inspired by Hooters, and it's like, I mean, it's just the saddest play.

I went there with a comedian recently for lunch, and it's just so sad because you see guys that are like, you know, they just want to be guys and they want to go to this place and look at chicks.

But then you get there and there's fucking kids. And it's like, all right, now you're, now you've got a bad experience for the guys that feel guilty and gross.

and for the kids that are confused by why there's a half-naked woman giving them a crayon. I had this dumb joke that I've been like, anyway, I thought if I ever had a script, like, with two idiots, one idiot could like look at the other and like, maybe they're figuring out money. And anyway, eventually comes he's like, you order in from Hooters? Like the guy has Hooters delivered. That's like having like topless maids just for their cleaning skills. Right, right, right. Or you get the, you get the food delivered from the buffet at runway 69 on 8th Avenue.

You have the topless maids clean while you're at work? That seems so, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah. All right, so this guy. Oh, I saw this story this week. Tony Carruthers' execution was called off Thursday when he was given a one. year reprieve after the State Department of Corrections struggle to find a vein to set up a backup injection line. Now, this is, by the way, in Tennessee, I'm shocked that idiot governor

gave a reprieve because I can't believe you would, even though anyway, keep reading. It's a crazy story. Well, it just basically restates it. I mean, they tried to put, I guess there's the main line that they poison you from and kill you, but then there needs to be a backup line in case the first one didn't work. So the governor said he's going to give a reprieve from the execution for a year. This is going to be the greatest year of this guy's life. Every time he wakes up, he's got a smile and go, reprieve. Especially because there are a ton of people out there who think this guy's innocent.

Yes, there was DNA evidence that was tampered with. The main witness was a paid informant who later, recanted their story. Right. Yeah. I didn't read into it enough to have my own opinion, but I do know that like,

and it's not just his family and stuff like that. It's these like Innocence Project and stuff like that. I really think so. That's kind of crazy. But it's just amazing. This is another situation.

And look, I'm not, I'm not one of these people that thinks the government's the root of all evil. But this is a great example of putting the government in charge of something really. Really simple. Killing somebody and they can't fucking.

Maybe they just have ice go in. Can't ice handle this? Oh my God. I just put up, have them all go on a cruise. Why not send them all on a cruise? I mean, instead of building a prison.

Yeah. And let them eat. Let them unlimited food. Yes. And tell them, or just tell the Aryan nation that this guy was making Charlie Kirk jokes. And then just it'll take care of itself.

You're literally in a building filled with murderers. And you can't kill a guy? People are killed all the time. And also, the article I saw listed all the fumbled execution attempts, I guess, is the right way to say it. And it's comical how many have been messed up. And so- Oh, dude, firing squads. I've heard about a firing squad not working in Virginia. I heard about, you know, the early one where the guy got lit on fire in an electric chair but didn't die.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I remember hearing about that. He burst into flame. Did you, did we talk about this or it might have been in some writer's room? Because, anyway, it was news to me. And I guess I'm putting it out there as a question to our listeners. Have you heard where when they had firing squads, which used to be very commonplace, that they would hand out guns and some of them had blanks? Yeah.

You know about this. Yeah. Deniable plausibility. Plausible deniability where you can tell yourself you didn't do it. Man, maybe just don't ask yourself. Right, right. I mean, you're not going to get in trouble with that. anyone else so maybe you have a little arrangement with yourself but yeah yeah that was interesting

to me but that might be that might be what's going on here it's like um well there's three needles that don't work so good luck and uh maybe i don't know what it is how are you messing this up yeah um or i don't know put him in uh put him in that prison geoffrey epstein was in just leave alone in the cell and see what happens it's a magical cell It works. Yeah. It all works itself out. All right.

Let's get to the ethical question. Here we go. I like this one. Man, I've only read the headline. And maybe that's all we need. But I love this one. Here you go. From the New York Times.

My partner fired a gun in our home. Was I wrong to take it away? Okay. Here's the sub. Here's the sub headline. She said she felt an overwhelming compulsion. to pull the trigger that she could not resist. Wait, you're talking about the person that took the gun away or the person that had it?

No, it was the partner was a she who fired it. And then she said she felt an overwhelming compulsion to pull the trigger that she could not resist. And the other partner, I mean, I'm assuming it's a guy, but it could not be, took the gun away from this woman without the self-restraint. So what's the ethical question? Was I wrong to take it away? Well, I mean, self-preservation kicks in here, doesn't it? I think.

Yeah. I mean, I don't think would I be, I mean, look, I think you want to live with somebody who's got a gun if they're going to be willing to use it if you're robbed. But not if they're willing to use it when you're not being robbed. I think the better, clearer question would be, was I wrong to shoot her? Well, yeah, once you take the gun, it's the first rule in drama. If you see a gun, the gun has to get shot during the play. That's like the first rule of drama. My question, how old is your partner?

Six. What do you mean they had an overwhelming? People have that when they're on. the side of a cliff they have that compulsion to jump off or to do or I mean this gets back to our question that I told you about I was at that dinner party and the question came up uh with with all these couples men and women equally divided and they were like uh when you're driving at night do you ever get that overwhelming compulsion to swerve into the car coming uh towards you and all the women said yes Or like, does that thought cross your mind?

Right. That you could do that. And every guy, it was divided so equally along gender lines, was like, what? And that's the Annie Hall scene with Christopher Walken. Wow. I know. Okay, here's another one. You ready?

Okay. I think someone is living in the storage unit next to mine. What should I? do. Well, it sounds like that person's living in the storage unit as well. It does. So anyway, here's a subheadline. I was so uncomfortable. I just threw my things inside and left. Okay. Well, I mean, look, times are tough. If people need to live in a storage unit, they're living in a storage unit. Unless there's like a smell that is hurting your things or they're urinating and it's going through the wall.

I don't think it's any of your business. Unless you want to help them. How about help them? How about fucking go buy them a meal? Get them one of those, you know, bottles you can piss in. Pitch in. This is what I would do. I'd be like, listen,

I feel for you, man. So knock yourself out. Unlimited use. Use my pasta maker, my bread maker. My old dustbuster. Use all the, you can just My exercise bike. Have you have that. There's a treadmill in there.

There's my partner. There's my partner who might shoot you and the gun. They're also here now. Yeah. If you get cold, I've got three hefty bags full of sweaters that have moth bites in them. I have the snugly. What was it called?

The blanket with arms. All the things are trendy. I have all that. Bean. Beanbag chair. It's in there. Yeah. This is actually sounding kind of fun now. Yeah. Oh, my God. On Instagram, are you getting a nostalgic 90s or 80s?

There's accounts out there. And it goes, and the headline will just be a rainy day in 1987. And they have these images. And it's playing like the most primitive video game. It's just sitting inside two boys. sitting just looking at the rain outside like bikes on a very like 80s porch just underneath the awning and like anyway it's and oh man it brings you back and and it really i guess every single generation has been nostalgic in ways but no there's never been this rapid of an like advancement in technology that has changed our lives like now so i i think we're entitled to say we might be feeling it the strongest.

Dude, what about album covers where you took the record was in a sleeve that had the lyrics written on it and you poured through the lyrics of every word of the album? And then you saw who the bass player was and who played piano on it. And you actually knew, you know, what studio produced the album. Oh, we would deced our marijuana using a double. album and the seeds would roll down to the crease between the two sides. Yep. Between the two albums.

Let me see if I could quickly just searching the word 80s. But, oh, I'm going to send it to you next time I get it. It's pretty incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I miss the old days. Oh, yeah. All right.

Like December, they'll just be like December, 1988 or whatever. And it's like the mall. And like, you know, and riding your bike. And anyway, it was, and it was like Christmas shopping in the mall. And they'd show like Sam Goody or whatever it was, like these stores. It was so, it was so much simpler. Oh, my God. All right, what are we up to now, pal?

Let's get to entertainment. This is you, buddy. Oh, yeah, you drag my story all the way down here. Well, yeah, yeah. I haven't watched. We'll get to that in a minute. Trump celebrates Colbert's exit from CBS, says of other late night hosts, May they all rest in peace.

The president, you know, who has a couple of wars going on, posted last night before 2 a.m. That Colbert has finally finished at CBS. Amazing that he lasted so long, exclamation point. No talent, no ratings, no life. He was like a dead person. You could take any person off the street and they would be better than this totally. jerk, not just a jerk, a total jerk. Thank goodness he's finally gone. No ratings, but it sounds like somebody was watching every night.

And if this was at 2 a.m., that means the late show ends at 1230. It took him an hour and a half to come up with that tweet. And he also added, it's quote, the beginning of the end for late night TV. Well, I don't know about that. I mean, just wait for the Colbert podcast where you think this was bad. He could, he'll be able to literally say anything he wants. Well, except that there's no side effects for Bluchew or that Stamps.com is in any way affiliated with the U.S. Postal Service or that you can place bets on Draft King in the state of California. Otherwise, he can say anything he wants. I mean, aren't there like known pedophiles?

Is out there free. He could be trying to catch. Never mind ending the war in Iran. Or working on his flop shot out of the sand trap on a par five. Yeah, I like them better when he was focused on golf. He has so many products he has to keep on top of. I don't know how he does it. Yeah, it's amazing.

He's great time management. And all while waking up at 11 o'clock in the morning. Have you seen the last show? I did not. Did you? Who was on it? I read Paul McCartney. I read a revine and I'm sure a bunch of other people.

But I saw clips and then. So he's, listen, I have a problem sometimes a little too much with when someone's just experiencing like full joy because I'm like, well, where's the shame that doesn't allow you to do that? So, you know, I have to judge it with a grain of salt. But like he's dancing with David Byrne and dressed in one of the blue outfits. That was pretty goofy. I liked it. But then I saw him, and it's the same thing I have with Conan, when they kind of, I guess take themselves a little seriously with singing. Yeah. Oh, I hate that. Really want to see, I love Conan. I really don't want to see him playing guitar and singing.

And anyway, I may not know what I'm talking about. It might have been hysterical. It didn't look like it. But hello goodbye was this song McCartney was singing from what I read. And there's footage of Colbert right there with. him singing. I think he might have sang Burning Down the House with David Byrne. I don't know if that was the final episode, but that happened this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I saw him dancing around to another I mean, look, God bless him, an Irish Catholic guy that can express joy. Good for him, but yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, exactly. But, and I love Colbert. Please don't get me wrong. That's why I was like,

oh, wait, maybe let just McCartney handle that part. But anyway, I read a bad review of it and then I was a part I was in the second paragraph and I realized oh this writer has no sense of humor have you ever like read things where their criticism of it is like oh you didn't get it yeah right right and so like you're just you're just out oh you're like you're a journalist who should not be allowed to write about comedy and things that maybe don't make sense to you and like sarcasm or irony. Yeah, there was an article in the LA Times yesterday about Jane Wickline, who's on SNL.

Yeah. And they said they liked her, but they clearly didn't. I don't know. It was hard to read. But I guess there's a lot of controversy about Jane Wickline. Like some people hate her. I know.

I think she's great. I love her. She's totally off. beat. She's a weirdo. I think they should lean into it. And I think they do sometimes. And I have not watched a lot of Esenella, I have to say in the last two years. But

from what I've seen, yeah, they should maybe lean into that weirdoness about her more. She's incredibly awkward, you know, and in a funny way. And so I think there's something there probably. And I know her songs. Full disclosure, full disclosure, I'm friends

with her father, who was my boss on Cedric the entertainer presents. He's a big comedy writer. He used to write for Letterman. I've met him. I think maybe he came in when they were trying to replace Kilbourne. Maybe I met him when

who's the black comedian who's had a show. D.L. Hugley. Right. I think he's involved with D.L. Hughley. I think I'm going to met a nicest guy ever. But part of the resentment people have for her is the Nepo baby thing.

No, he's written on a lot of black shows. He wrote on In Living Color and I believe Martin. And then Cedric was obviously a black show, which is so funny because he's like this, he's the preppiest. I think he went to Yale. Nothing to do with black culture, but that's what he writes on. All right, let's make America, Florida. Here we go. I thought this is interesting.

A new billboard has joined Tallahassees roadside. landscape directing people to a budding organization called leaving maga the florida man behind the signs said the advertisement wasn't created to troll republicans the president or his supporters but rather to extend a hand to people a part of the make america great again movement who may be having second thoughts about their beliefs having been one of them the guy said he wanted to create a space for people to work through any ideological struggles with support. So check if this doesn't sound like a cult. The idea is to keep it simple and be inviting.

His organization isn't there to change people's minds or push a platform people must agree with. We don't think that anyone can change the person, he said. The change has to come from within the individual. This is like tearing them, like what is it called? extra when you when you pull someone

I'm forgetting the word out of a cult yes extricating them out of a cult there's another word also yeah yeah and that it's even the title of the people that do it yeah now is there a group for people

disillusion with the New York Jets that maybe you can join oh my God I saw a I think I don't know if it was an onion headline but it sure sounded like one it was this week and it's like Jets, Math, Jets eliminated from the playoffs based on a posted schedule for upcoming season. It was perfect.

But that's where all my jet energy is going into the Knicks. And that's what's happening. All the Mets energy, all the recent Yankees energy, all the recent Giants energy is getting poured into the New York Knicks. Such an exciting team. And Sam, Sam Morrell is like court side, man. And those seats, those seats are going for between $50,000 and $100,000 each. But Sam is such a huge Knicks fan, like his whole life. He grew up in New York City and, like, he's a fanatic.

And I guess the, I think the Knicks organization loves them and they just give them these great seats. He, uh, yeah, you know, I asked him when he was out here. I go, what do you think turned it for them? Like, this is like a week and a half ago. And it was, you know, when they almost got eliminated in the first round, and then a switch was thrown, and they just dominated. Yeah. And then swept the 76ers.

So that was going on. Maybe it was the, maybe there were three, oh, up three zero, because I know what it was. They were up three zero against the 76ers. And he just goes, Brunson. And I was like, that is the simplest. I go, it's not the, like, how they switch now the offense and they're setting picks to free up and blah, blah. And he's like, and he just was like Brunson. And boy, it turns out how right he is.

I mean, the way that guy's dominated since. Oh, no. Game one, game one, they were down 22 points in the second half. And then all of a sudden, and Brunson did not, he just took the ball and he just started driving on the hoop with these little floaters and these, he was hitting bank shots and just like everything. he threw up was going in three-pointers and he carried that team back and they ended up winning it. That was

one of the greatest comebacks I've ever seen in a playoffs game. It's one of the biggest comebacks in history. Are you kidding me? It was incredible. So, all right, what about Texas? Yeah, man. We've got to make America Texas again. Texas man

intentionally drove cyber truck into a lake to use his vehicles Wade mode. The department said the driver, Jimmy Jack McDaniel, I am not making that up, told them he intentionally drove the vehicle into the lake to try and use its weed mode feature. However, the cyber truck was disabled and took on water. Police said prompting the driver and passenger to abandon. So it took on water, you know, like the way a douche does? According to the Tesla's online owner's manual for the cyber truck,

Wade mode allows cyber truck to enter and drive through bodies of water such as rivers or creeks. However, the manual warns that drivers have a responsibility to gauge the depth of anybody of water before entering. And that damage to the vehicle as a result of driving in water is not covered by the water. So creeks and rivers, like you mean like trucks, like trucks do. That's what this cyber truck can do? Yeah, no, it can enter water, but not. If it's too wet. Oh, I have cut out more of the like sort of the language that was in the manual.

It says it only goes up like 20 inches or something like that or even less. And then it goes, but you have to also take into consideration the mud and maybe soft soil underneath the water. That's going to lower you. That counts. That counts towards the 20. Yeah. It's so crazy. Who would think that an electric car wouldn't do well in water?

I got to say. I just wish they went in enough water. I have never seen one of those trucks and I thought, what a fucking douche. And the worst part is the windows are so tinted that you can never get a look at the person. I already have an idea. We all have an idea what they look like. Exactly what they look like. Yeah, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a,

Jack Daniel in there somewhere. But yeah, there's wrap around sunglasses, the real tight ones. And it's kind of a mullet thing happening, a tight goate. Something that says Gold's Jim. Jimmy Jack McDoushebag, yes. Probably own some rental properties. Cannot stop complaining about taxes. Luckily, the tinted windows, you can't see his gun rack.

Yeah. He thinks is a good idea. He has a wife that's still kind of keeping it together. They both love the gym, and she loves a man who really takes initiative. She loves a man who makes and pamperes her. And a guy who just can't resist the temptation to shoot his gun inside the house. It's the type of woman who loves Maga and the Republicans, but her life is based on handouts. Oh, yeah.

That's the wife. Handouts just for her. For nobody else. Yeah. All right, should we do sports? Let's do it. Here we go. New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani proudly announced a deal Thursday that will allow residents of New York City and only New York City to buy a thousand World Cup tickets for $50 each.

And before he even finished his news conference, a New Jersey official made it clear that they thought. thought of an arrangement that what they thought of an arrangement that leaves them out. Quote, FIFA not caring about costs for New Jersey residents isn't new, said Stephen Sigmund, a spokesman for New Jersey, Governor Mike Shirell. This is just another reason why Governor Shirel is working hard to lower costs on our own. Yes, yes, get the hint, New Jersey. I guess you didn't get it when we raised the toll and the Lincoln Tunnel up to $23. We don't want you.

The toll was only to get into New York. There was no, it was free. When I lived there, it was free to get out of New York. No, they will pay you $23 if you have Jersey plates to take the tunnel out. I think they knew that, I think FIFA knew that New Jersey people are going to be rooting for Italy anyway. That's a good, that's pretty good. Thank. A thousand tickets.

It's what are you getting your panties in a bus? It's like less than one section. Yeah. I know. Well, you know, I mean, I think that's kind of the whole thing with Mom Donnie is like for all of his philosophies, like how much of the rubber is really hitting the road. Like how many people are really getting lower rent in New York? How much is not having bus fare is affecting most people?

Well, Tom, we'll tell also a lot of. hasn't been implemented right i don't know i think no matter what even people who don't like him can agree it's he's exciting it's exciting it's exciting and i actually am from afar very positive about it all right speaking of positive let's do this day in history and yeah all right i'm ready all right you think you're going to do well yeah last week i was four out of five uh uh so Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. You know that guy. Sherlock Holmes.

Right. He was born on this day in what year, give or take 35 years. Wow. He's around a long time ago. I'm going to say 1728. All right. Great start. 1859.

Okay. All right. Yeah. So we're off to some start. This is a give or take one year. American comedian, it's apropos with our late show news, American comedian Johnny Carson made his final appearance as host of the Tonight Show. I remember where I was when I watched it.

Was that with you? I was on, Morphers Vineyard. Bet Midler was on. It was, I think I was just out of, college, I'm going to say 1990. I love it. 1992. Damn it!

All right, here's a give or take 100 years. Okay. Captain Kidd. Where do you think Captain Kidd's from? Captain Kidd is from England. It says English pirate, but I'm going to be asking you oh, I'm asking you about his death date, but it says he was born in Scotland,

but he died on this year. He was old for 56. That's, anyway. I didn't even know he was real. I thought he was like Captain Changaroo or Captain Kirk. I didn't know he was like a real guy. I was just going to tell you, I sound confident quizzing you on these things.

I would get so many wrong. Also, you could easily convince me Captain Kids a made-up thing. Yeah. Is it a cereal? Yeah, I'm going to say what year he died? Hold on. So what year did he, hold on, what year did he die? And I'm going to say give her take 75 years.

Oh, come on. I want you to get one right. All right, 1728. Oh, man. So that's legit. 1701. I got it. Yeah.

Nice. I mean, you would have gotten it even if I gave a, The Shining was released in theaters, give or take three years. When was the Shining released in theaters? Okay, Nicholson was, hair was falling out. That's the first clue, okay. I'm going to say 1981. Look at you, 1980.

Really? Okay That man, yeah That was like a screensaver That and the last waltz When we were in college on our TV Like it was kind of come home Like just drunk eating chicken wings

And that was always on Bonnie and Clyde Went on their crime spree It lasted, I didn't know this 21 months And they were killed On this day in what year, give or take eight years?

Well, I feel like I saw the movie and they were in those old Ford Model T's, which were in the 20s. So I'm going to go 1928. You did it, 1934. Nice. All right, let's finish up with a go. Boy, Joan of Arc is in here every goddamn day.

Every week. How much shit did that? She get done. Yeah. I'll give her two, birth and death. how much did she get done in between okay let's see here we're gonna know there's Israel we're not going to go near that

we're going to go uh oh my god that's right because today is well today is Friday and it's a 22nd but listeners you're listening on Bob Dylan's birthday also our buddy Pete's birthday I think okay happy birthday Pete Scott Happy birthday, Bob Dylan.

Bob Dylan, give her take. I'm going to be generous. Two years. When was Bob, what year was Bob Dylan born? I always remember that he was born. I thought it was hibbing, but it says Duluth. No, it was hibbing. Well, that's where he grew up.

He was born at the same time as my mom. That was 42, but I feel like he, He might have been a little younger. I'm going to say 41. Greg, it's 1941. No! Baby! I was on fire this week and last week.

On the nipple. I don't know about last week. I'm not remembering it the same as you. I don't. Oh, listeners will chime in. They'll tell you I was four for five last week. No, we're not betting. We're not betting.

Okay. All right, what are we got now? We got O bit? Or letters? Let's go right to the letters. Okay. This was a great one. This was a guy from a guy named Mark,

who had a teaching job for Latin at a middle school in Pottstown, PA, where I do a club called Soul Joles. And now he just got a job off to teach Latin and Greek at a high school. I start this fall. Congratulations, Mark. So anyway, he was breaking down. And we talked about the derivations of the word diarrhea, and he said he wants to help us to remember the spelling of diarrhea.

Okay, Daya in ancient Greek means through as a basic preposition. Oh, my God, right. Rio means to flow. Yeah. Yes. It's not RIO, like Rio Grande, not like river, although that's probably where Rio comes. from. And then Ria is yeah, yeah, it's

and that's, I guess Rio is the same thing. So it's the flowing. If you've heard of the goddess Ria, she was Zeus's mother and gave birth to him near a flowing river. The Greeks love word play. Got it. And then we got Tommy who wrote in and said, Mike mentioned he never remembers how to spell diarrhea.

I came a great mamanic to help you remember. Nymonic. Pneumonic. Numenic. That's very funny word not to pronounce right. Okay. Dude, I actually really, really have explosive ass, which is another way of remembering

besides the Greek derivations of the word. Okay, I'm going to try that. I mean, you're really trying to convey that it's happening. Actually, really, really. Yeah. Do we do the obits? Let's do it. How about, dude, I am really, really having explosive ass.

That could also be it. All right, good. Now what? What are we doing? Obits. Yep. Oh, man. Bernie Frank.

The Brassy, lightning quick, former Massachusetts representative, who for decades was the most prominent gay politician in the country, and was an author of the most significant overall of the nation's financial regulations since the Great Depression, died on Tuesday at his home in Ungawit. That's appropriate. Maine. He was 86. So this guy, Greg and I remember, he was so goddamn witty and funny. And he was cute, too. He was like, he looked like a child. child. He had a little funny way of speaking kind of. Yeah.

Yeah, like a lisp. Yeah, he had a lisp. But he was rugged. He was like a rugged New Englander. He was like rosy-cheeked. And he was kind of from that Tip O'Neill School of Politics where, you know, back slapping. He'd hang out at a bar with anybody, make you laugh, tough. He was very cool.

And when I was in college, I worked at the Copley Marriott as a banquet waiter. And the guy who was the head waiter was this flaming gay guy. And he was my boss. And he said, Saturday night, I got a gig for you outside the hotel. It's for Barney Frank. And so he sends me over there. I'm wearing my little tuxedo. and my bow tie and I go in there.

And let's be honest, Mike, in college, I wasn't hard on the eyes. I was a cute little morsel for a gay man. So I go to this party and it's an open bar and it's all gay politicians. And I quickly realized why this guy sent me there. I was getting flirted. There was a guy named,

I think it was either Jerry Studs or Gary Studs, who was another gay congressman from Massachusetts who fucking cornered me and just was full on hitting on me. And I got to work on Monday. I was like, thanks for the gig, man. He goes, little hot and heavy in there? I was like, yeah, thanks for the gig. That's perfect.

I was quickly trying to read some of his lines, but he had one, which was Republicans will be with us as long as their votes are irrelevant to the outcome. And he goes, moderate Republicans are reverse Houdini's. They tie themselves up in knots and then tell you they can't do anything because they're tied up in knots. But this would be said in a very sort of way more formal political climate. Like it's gotten more casual because of people like him. But it was very, very much more formal like have you no shame, sir.

You know, like that type of stuff was in the house. All right, let's cheer up. That was a sad one. He was a great man. He's part of a bygone error. He really is, like you said, like he's from a different time that I'll miss, and I think our country will miss.

Absolutely. All right, let's cheer up. Here we go. Time for the funnies. Every week we do the comedy caption contest. It's a frame of a comic. You guys write down a punchline. You send it in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

We peruse, we choose, and then we pick a winner at the end. Please put your name directly underneath your joke. And the winner will get a coozy if you have any left. Do you know if you have any left? Have you checked? I checked. I didn't find it on first look, so not looking good. But we'll check again.

Okay. We'll figure something out. But for the love of the sport, last week's was two squirrels. They're sitting on a branch. One of them is eating an acorn, and the other one is looking at an iPhone, and he is speaking.

The one with the iPhone is speaking. Sean says, Oh, my God, we landed the part for Chippendale's gay squirrel tales. All right. They're gay. Jane says, My date last night just sent me a nuts pick.

All right. I like chains. Ron says, oh no, RFK Jr. just added us to the food pyramid. That's not bad either. They have to get run over by a car first, but yeah. John Mensinger says nuts. He says his refrigerator not running. Now what? That's a callback, John. Call back to last week's winner. Tim Dilley says, oh, no, they're going to pin this hunt a virus on our shit. All right, Tim. Bringing politics into this.

All right. Or is it on our shit? Topical, topical events. Okay. I mean, I, I, uh, I kind of like Ron and Jane's. You're freezing up again. I don't know. I mean, James and Ron seem good.

Well, look, since nobody's winning anything, why don't we say there was two winners, Jane and Ron. My date just sent me nuts pick. and oh no, RFK Jr. just added us to the food pyramid. Congratulations. You got it. Yeah.

For next week, the cartoon is, it looks like two roommates. One of them is in the refrigerator, grabbing a couple beers. The other guy is sitting in an armchair. He's leaning back, and a cat has his ass in the guy's face and is clawing his leg.

So it is facing away from him Looks like the asshole is right in the guy's nose And the guy looks startled And he's looking up at his friend who's at the refrigerator Fill in the caption And either he's saying something Which is what it's implying Or it could just say fart

Because it's coming from the cat's ace Yes, it's a talk bubble But it looks like it could be coming either from the guy Or the cat's ace So pick a winner. All right, let's get down to the pros. Hager is going into battle. He's got a sword to his hand and he goes,

Men, I'm leading you into a perilous battle. Be brave! And the second frame, Hager is tied up with a rope. And the men say, I think this is the bravest thing we've ever done as they run away from Hager. Clearly, they don't want to go into battle. They tied them up.

You left out that they tied them up. They tied him up, which really, you wonder, guys like this one, they tie somebody up, there's usually a little bit of ace play right afterwards. Mm, all right. Imagine how dirty Hager's asshole is? Well, I think we've talked about it. I'm sure everyone has, but like even in any of those,

anything old like that, even, what was it, Hamnet, any old Shakespeare in love, Game of Thrones, it's just like when all of a sudden they just start tearing each other's clothes off, I'm like, that must be the worst smell, especially down there. Well, even their breath, you know?

They never fucking brush their teeth. They never go to the dentist. They've all got every venereal disease known to man. I think everyone was happy to die in their 30s when life was like, that. All right. Yeah.

All right. Let's get to the lock horns. Loretta is talking to her friend and she's putting together a bunch of little shreds of paper. She said, I told Leroy I wanted to do a jigsaw puzzle. So we put our wedding photo through the shredder. What a horrible thing to do. My God. It doesn't seem like he wants to be in this marriage anymore.

I have a onion. and the onion is a picture of a very dumb-looking Trump, particularly dumb-looking Trump. And the caption is, Trump requests $1.2 trillion to have. That's it. That's all you need to write on that one. That's all you need to write on that one.

That's good. All right, we're going to get down to our friend, Dagwood Bumstead, is in bed. with his wife who has on a chiffon off the shoulder lingerie. Hair is done up and teased. It looks like a plate of egg noodles on top of her head. And she's looking at her iPad. She goes, survey.

Is your wife a backseat driver? He says, hmm, well, you offer helpful suggestions occasionally, like the light is green, so the answer is no. And she goes, good answer. Here's a better answer. Survey, is your wife a backseat driver? No, but I am. Flip over, you hot little piece of ass.

The light is green. The light is so green and the bunghole is pink and the hair is yellow. Okay. All right, listen. We love you guys. We appreciate you listening. Thanks for your patience with our kind of production. issues today.

Yeah, I've back to the old, I guess in a way, like landline, but it's a fiber optic cable. Not doing my new Wi-Fi service anymore. Maybe we'll get them as a sponsor and then we'll get it for free. Speaking of which, visit hymns.com slash papers. Get a personalized affordable plan that gets you. And also rocketmoney.com slash papers. do it. You just put our names in so they know that you heard about them through our podcast.

It's very important. It keeps the lights on. All right. Thank you guys for listening. Mike, anything you want to promote? Yeah, I just saw it's, I think, number one on Netflix. This documentary crash, that's all it's called. It's about a crash.

And, yeah, I kind of fell asleep during it, but only because it was really late. so I don't know how good it was but when I woke up I'm like oh oh that happened and I'm not talking about the crash All right Yeah All right well thanks for listening everybody

We'll see you soon Taggatesh Taggatish Teng it age Greg and Mike I'm going to my farm Don't have friends So I listen alone

Give me the news and the comics I'm so addicted Give me my mom Of the Sundays, of the Sunday, of the Sunday, Sunday papers. Of the Sunday, of the Sunday, of the Sunday, Sunday papers. Dick it ish.