Sunday Papers - ReRun Episode from May 2024 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: May 10, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Episode 217. We do an in-depth, behind-the-scenes dive into backstage at The Roast of Tom Brady. The Swiss Army Knife and The Boy Scouts are both transitioning, a woman snaps out of a 5 year coma and three boys are given $1M for wearing black face. Thanks to our sponsors: https://prizepicks.com - or download the app - use code: Papers http://gametime.co - or download the app - use code: Papers Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Read all about it. Read all about it. It's time for the Sunday Papers podcast. Mike on the left, Greg on the right. Front page news and golfing shoes. All that Govins is a funny do. Three two. Okay.

Hey now. Welcome. Welcome. Read all about it. So much to read about and hear about from Mike Gibbons about this. the roast people have been begging to hear about the roast it was I was subhuman I apologized to everyone last week it was my fault we didn't do a we didn't do a podcast oh right right yeah people missed it I put it out on Instagram but we still had a ton of people right into

the website and wonder where the podcast was it's our second one we missed in four years or third I don't know, but we do too many. We do too many. We do too many. I don't do windows. We throw up a repeat. Odds are people haven't heard them, and we're more evergreen than a new show would indicate. Yeah, we should have put up an evergreen one.

Yeah. I agree. We have to pick one. We have to pick some. Like, you know, late night shows do that. They're like, that's a repeat. When we have a good one, we should be like, put an R&X to it. That's repeatable.

Yes, that's a good idea. So, all right, let's get into it. This is from Tim Dilley, who's our friend who we played golf with from San Francisco. Give your partner a bow for the fantastic Tom Brady Roast. Really feel better about the future of America today. We can laugh at raunchy sarcasm again. Next up, let's turn Mike and his writing crew on those snowflakes on college campus. Well done, Mike.

Very sweet. Yeah. I mean, if you ask me, I was in the, I was standing next to Belichick in the dressing room watching the first three quarters of the show. And there was far too many homophobic jokes. But what happened is a lot of them went off script. And that's, you know, that's football culture a little bit. And locker room. Yeah.

Locker room culture. So I would have cut down how many other ones were controllable. You know what I mean? Well, Grunkowski clearly went renegade and he was so homophobic. But it was perfect because he was on late in the roast and it was so established that this is a dumb human being that when he came on and he really was that dumb, the homophobic jokes just worked perfectly because he's so likable that it just didn't bother anybody. All right. Here's a Grunkowski story. So the first thing is he went on that long one.

He read it to us on the Zoom. He's like, and then I rode that dick from Tampa to New England. And, you know, Edelman just greased it. And he was like, huh? And we're all dying, laughing on the Zoom, right? So I get that script. There's that joke in it. So now when I'm putting his set together, in parentheses,

I would put occasional things like, coach used to make us run the hill. Oh, coach, I just realized that joke was about you. I'll run the hill. So that was like a parenthetical. after a joke. After that crazy joke, which all the people on the stage were like, skip this joke. Remember, like, Belichick told him to skip it? And he goes, I'm not skipping it. I put in parentheses, I wrote that joke, right? And thank God I did because I wanted the world to know that Kronkowski wrote that joke and that the writers did it. And he read it.

He goes, I wrote that one myself. So how many of the jokes that got on did you personally write? I wouldn't say, like, it's, you know, I'm not saying, like, I definitely wasn't in the top five writers, for sure, I would say. I'm mostly, like, managing and stuff like that. Maybe even less than, maybe, like, top, maybe all of them. I don't know. But I had some good ones in there. I think my favorite that I wrote was Tom's.

I wrote with Tom a lot, but Tom's Kim Kardashian joke about how she's terrified to be there because her kids are with their dad. She was bummed about that. Yeah. Well, I don't know why it validates her. Yeah.

That's why I like the joke so much. Well, it makes her sound like a bad mom that she would leave her kids with somebody who's dangerous. With her father? By law, I think she has to. I know. That guy should be chaperone. I think, and what about the booing?

Did they cut that out on the replay? They did, and I would have been so against that. And Netflix, of course, had to then go on a publicity campaign saying that Kim didn't ask for it because I would be furious. Because everyone, of course, thought she called, complained and said, please remove the booze. And she didn't at all. She has such a thick skin. Why did people boo? I really didn't understand that.

I don't know either. People were booing like crazy. They weren't still saying Drew from Drew Bledsoe. Yeah, and then they were heckling her while she was speaking. I saw an audience member shouted on their camera. And the heckling continued. Like they were yelling. She had no talent and all this shit at her.

I know. It's weird. I mean, and she made fun of herself and I thought really good jokes. She stayed graceful. She stayed very poised during it. Yeah. We had a ton of jokes against her.

But part of the engineering was she didn't come up and the dais kind of didn't know about her. Yeah. Well, so wait, the one quick Grancowski story is he was at a wedding in the Bahamas Saturday night, which is the night before the roast. And we sent a private jet. So he's private jets all day, Sunday, really early in the morning. And I'm like, so then I, you know, and I've been zooming with him. So then I see Grancowski down in the dressing rooms. And he's fucking bright-eyed.

He looks amazing. I mean, you know, he looked amazing on the roast. But like totally white, clear eyes, the whole thing. And so I'm like, hey, how are you, man? Did the flight work out? And all he's like, dude, I am so rested, fucking ready for this. Now, meanwhile, Saratiana, who was kind of like his captain because they had worked together before goes, yeah, he said he slept four hours on the plane.

And he is, he's full of energy. She's like, how much sleep does he need when he doesn't party all night? Like two hours? Yeah, yeah. Like, what is this animal? But this is the story. So he goes, dude, I'm doing great. I'm so psyched for this.

Fine. Dickie Egan, who's amazing and a friend of ours, and we always talk about Dickie. Dickie goes, he said that. He goes, yeah, he's like, well, I just walked by wardrobe. And the wardrobe department's in there, you know, with steam irons, irons, you know, doing the whole thing and, you know, sewing and fixing shit.

He had walked in there like 10 minutes before when he arrived. And he goes, can you guys do something about my shoes? He's wearing big bombastic white crocks, but he has his dress shoes in his hand. And he goes, can you do something on my shoes? They're like, yeah, what do you need? He's like, I don't know. Like maybe like blow dry him or something that I was drinking out of them all night.

That's amazing. Yeah. He's a full lunatic. Then he gives over his underwear. Some shit happened in these last night also. Unbelievable. Was there, what was the green room like? Was there wives, girlfriends, industry, or was it just like talent only?

No, the green room was a lot of the writers. There was some agents and all that. But Belichick was in it. And then so in the green room, it was also last touches for hair and makeup. It was a big room. Last touches for hair and makeup. So those stations were over there. There were TVs.

There was like catering out. But it was also the teleprompter room, which as you know is normally in the wings. And there was one in the wings of the stage. But this was another station. So that's where each town. who was not out at the beginning. So like Belichick, Kardashian was sitting,

but, oh, Peyton Manning came through there. I'm trying to remember, Belichick, Peyton Manning. I'm forgetting it. Anyway, oh, and Ben Affleck.

So they, which we have to talk about. But Ben, they would come in there and they would go through their prompter and make little phonetic spellings or punctuation to help them read it better.

And so that was interesting to see when that would have. But Belichick was just dying. It was so wild watching that guy die laugh, you know? And then he went out and did great. He was so easy to work with. Well, I think the crowd was really pulling for him. There was so much love for him when he came out, standing ovation.

Well, we started him with those jokes about how, like, there's a 10-part, you know, series, a roast of Bill Belichick on Apple Plus. Yeah. Because that thing does tear him apart. And then... What about how did everything go with Netflix? I mean, were they praising you guys? You know, it was supposed to be a 90-minute roast,

and then it was tracking over two hours, and then that's a bump in pay for it. It was then tracking over 90 minutes, so that's then a bump in pay. And then over two hours, I don't know where that's at now, but they were great. They were just like, if you need the time, because people kept getting added, you know,

like Ben Affleck was added. Kim Kardashian was at it. They weren't around three days, three or four days till show. Oh, oh, and Ron Burgundy was added. We were, you know, we were writing for them, trying to woo them. And I'll read later. I have a funny Ron Burgundy speech that the writers wrote, and we all wrote, and he didn't do it. But I think he would have destroyed with it, and it was much shorter.

I loved every moment of it. I could have watched that all night. He was so unfod. It was amazing. I had to go into their dressing room and correct two things. One was he goes, he goes, and Randy Moss, he's like, Tom was never going to throw to you. He goes, you were just a decroquois for his little ding, ding, ding, ding, ding short stuff. And so I had to go in there.

I'm like, listen, not to be joke, police, but that's like having a joke about Babe Ruth never hitting home runs. Tom and Randy Moss still hold the single season record for long. for touchdown passes. Yeah, yeah. So I just changed it to he was never going to get you a ring. Yeah. And then it was an easy change. And then there was another thing that they had wrong in the script.

I forget what it was. But anyway. So you worked your ass off, man. How many hours do you think you put in in the week leading up to the actual roast? It was rough. I never got out before like 1130 at night. And I felt lucky I got out at 1130 the night before. But that's because everything was pretty locked.

and then it would be really then there was a lot of 7 a.m. Zoom with Belichick, 7 a.m. Zoom's with Tom because they were all on the East Coast. Yeah. Did you do you have a slight man crush on Tom Brady right now? A little bit man. I mean he's a student

like you could tell how he got to where he was because that's how he approached this comedy. Yeah. And weird things. Like he's like hey I don't want to say let's fucking go up top when I come out at the very beginning before I sit down. He goes, what about like, are you ready? I'm ready. And then like, it's kickoff. Let's kick this off. Something football. I'm like, what about, what about it's game time? He's like, great,

that's it. And he's like, so how should I say it? Should I be like, it's, so how do I say that? It's game time or it's like game time? And I'm like, are you fucking retarded? Like, the greatest quarterback ever is asking me how to say game time? Yeah. Like it was so, but like that's where, and then, and then before each joke, almost before every joke, he would put in parentheses the type of voice he should use. Like one of them was announcer voice where he was like, you know what was. And he did, and it really helped him. He put like somber voice before the 9-11 joke, which was our favorite thing that we wrote for him. Because in the writer's room, Dickie and those guys were like educating us. like you don't understand that when Drew Bledsoe got hurt. It was like such a weird time. It was the first game back after 9-11. So there was already such a weird mood.

So we're like, oh, you know, put it up. Let's see when Bledsoe got injured. And we see like the 9-11 celebration at the beginning of the game. And then we see two New York Jets fly into Bledso and the room exploded. We're like we got our best. joke of his set. Oh my God, that's amazing. So the joke kind of wrote itself. It was incredible. Yeah, that was incredible. That's so cool. Yeah, because he took a real leap of faith in going with that energy and that tone, you know, so against type. And he went big and he committed and he fucking

pulled it off. Yeah, no, he was like, you know, I don't talk about myself in a third person. And I'm like, I go, we know. And so it, it's, I was very slow to realize how literal he was. Yeah. He's incredibly, he's great, by the way. And he's funny. Like, we were walking down the hallway, right? He and I were going to like take another look at prom or something.

And I'm walking with him and we, we go by Edelman. And Edelman is there. And Edelman could not have looked more flamboyant. He had it, and he had it under his shirt, but he had it under his shirt was a wife Peter with all his like necklaces and stuff like that. And he's there with the hair and makeup. And I'm like, I go, well, I go, his look is going to help the gay jokes tonight. Right.

And Tom dies laughing. And when we get to the end of the hallway, Tom turns around. He's like, Jules. He's like, Jules. He's like, the rest of the village people's dressing room, they're in here. They're in here. And I'm like, fucking solid. That was Tom on his own.

Yeah. That's great. And, but he, when I didn't realize how literally was, I then, I then saw him like, he's, especially when he was like, so how should I say this? And so like, so am I being like cocky? And I'm like, oh, I go, hold on. I go, he was very good on SNL. Actually, I go, you're playing a character.

I go, this is a character. You got to save this shit show. And this is a character. And I go, and he could never get through the Kim Kardashian joke without laughing, which, was, you know, my badge of honor. But he couldn't get through some of them not laughing. I'm like, that laughing is actually really charming. And I go, just like SNL, try to hold that laugh back.

Like, and everyone's seeing your struggle is going to be charming as hell. And it will reinforce you're playing a character. And he was like, and he was like, fuck, got it. Yeah. And that was like two days before the show. And he didn't, he didn't take, somehow, he didn't take that in before then. Yeah. He was still doing well.

but just because he could tell how he should read them, but he kind of didn't, once he knew he was playing a character, it all clicked for him. I thought he delivered it amazing. Yeah, he was great. And it's hard to go on last. I mean, people don't understand. That's three hours into the show.

And you're following Andrew Schultz. And, you know, there's some heavy hitters up there killing. So that was pretty amazing. So we're going to get into jokes later, jokes that were not used in the entertainment section. I saw Ron Burgundy the next day. Netflix did a comedy, all things comedy, which is Bill Burr's company. They did a golf tournament at Riviera, which is the nicest course in L.A.

And I'm at the driving range. And then Will Ferrell comes up and he sets up at the stall next to me at the driving range. And he looks at me and he just gives me this long look like he knows me. And I was so intimidated. They just went, how you doing? and then I just hit another ball and I didn't say shit to him. You should have said hi. I don't know.

I was just like I didn't want to be, you know, I figured he wants to play golf. I don't want to be an asshole. And but then later, after the round, I had dinner at his table. And it was me, uh, Burr, um, what's his name? Who's, who's the comic who, uh, who lives in Nashville? Oh, Theo? Not Theo.

No, the other guy. Anyway, it was a bunch. Is he like, is his persona a hick? No, just a regular straight talking guy. Why am I forgetting his fucking name? You froze. Anyway. And then Charlie Day from Always Sunny.

And who else? Anyway, so Will was there. And then at the end, Oh, Nate Burgatz. Nate Brigazzi. And then at the end of it, he goes, he comes over to me and he shakes my hand and he goes, I want you to take really good care of yourself. I was like, what the fuck does that be?

You, oh, man, you totally should have said. I mean, he knows Laura from USC. Yeah. I told him, I go, oh, Will, by the way, because his son's down there and he was just down there last week before graduation and before the riots on the USC campus. And I go, you know, I actually taught a class at USC. He's like, what did you teach? And I'm like, oh, sketch writing.

And he's like, so you talk comedy. He's like, is that good? Is that good for the kids that you're teaching? All right. So let's get down to it. Oh, and then I ran a 5K the next day. Yeah. Tom and Bert through a 5K run.

And not for charity. just to promote their fucking vodka, whatever it is, whatever the show. Really? Yeah. I mean, whatever. It was,

it was just, I think it was a spur of the moment thing, and then Netflix got behind it, and all of a sudden there was like 5,000 people running a 5K. Yeah. And I think Bert, and Bert actually, he ran it twice,

and the first time he ran it, his film crew ran him over in the golf cart, and like ripped his shoe off and he fell down. He had to get up and finish running. And then the second one I started with him and then Tom Papa. And this time, Jelly Roll walked it with Bird. And so I kind of trained for it. I probably ran maybe eight times or so.

And I built up, I built it up to, you know, 5K is not that big a deal. You've run marathon. So it's nothing. But I ran it with Tom Papa and he did his radio show. And we had a crew running in front of us, interview. And we talked the whole time. We're shitting on people. And I was so worried.

Like, I bought headphones because I was like, all right, I got to finish this race. I got to finish. And then I ended up not wearing the headphones. Like, I didn't want anyone talking to me. But it was no problem. Talking kind of made it easier. Oh, good for you. Well, yeah, that's impressive, though.

It definitely takes more wind. Yeah. And so that was fun. And then. Bird is such a full. blown character. I mean, he was such an easy target. People wrote a disproportionate amount of jokes about him. Like Sam J. did a whole thing about him. We gave Tom Brady a really one of the better jokes and he didn't do it about Bert. He's like, Bert, here you're over with it. What kind of comic

are you with your shirt off all the time? He's like, Richard Pryor didn't take his shirt off when it was on fire. So I told Bert that Bert died laughing. Nikki was so subtle. She's like, Bert, you take your shirt off. People don't take their shirt off and you take your shirt off. It was just so, it was such a great thing. Yeah. Yeah, no, that was really great. And then Bert also did you see on social media,

the camera caught him because the prompter was so big in the middle of the forum. And all of them are facing it. Bert was mouthing the words of everybody's jokes? Was he really? Yes. And he himself just posted that on Instagram. But I noticed that during the show, I'm like, oh my God, he's mouthing the words of other people's jokes.

That's hilarious. Yeah. We want to thank Craig Godette, who did the logo. He is one of our main contributors for logos. It is Putin and Kim Jong-un. And you get to be Putin, apparently. Great song. Sam Fomino.

It is a barbershop quartet. And again, always listen to the end of the show. We play the song in its entire day. because we're only playing the first 34 seconds of this one, but it's like a three-minute song, and it's really great. Some corrections coming in. It says from Rob Mitchell, Mike didn't like the old Simpsons comic strip from before it was a cartoon.

Did Mike mean life in hell when he said he didn't like it? So, yeah, that was from the Tracy Allman show. Yep, I didn't really like it. I thought it was like negative and nerdy. But, you know, like that great comedian from, Ohio, carp, carp or something. I didn't, I didn't like love his stuff either. Like, it's very dark.

I don't know. All right. It's probably funny than I remember. Joe says in your discussion of side hugs, I was talking about how I don't like when women hug you from, like you go in for the front hug and they throw you the fucking, the rib cage. You accidentally, we assume, said, I'm not a pervert as many as three times.

Rick review of your blondeie reads episode Inception 428 clearly refute this. I think, would you consider me to be a pervert? Well, what makes me uncomfortable is when they go for the side hug, you stay straight on them and put your knees around their body. And they slide in sideways into your crotch. I think that's a little pervy. It's just, it's a spoon and a fork combined. You actually love when they side hug. You just won't reciprocate.

Well, the thing, what I do is I continue going with the arms around and the hand ends up right on the tit. Yeah. But would you consider me a pervert? No. I mean, you're open about your sexuality, not sexuality, your sexual activity. And so I think, and I was going to say. say, but you have just as much as everyone else. You might have a little more.

I don't think, and I know it's probably tapered off, I hope it's tapered off, but I don't think a lot of people have been masturbating on planes as much as you. Yeah, well, you know. And your feet thing, but feet doesn't make you a pervert. It's just a, it's just a kink, you know? It's not even a kink.

It's an appreciation. There's a difference between a foot fetish. Your window shopping. Yeah. I'm just checking them out. I just like, as somebody, looks at, you know, fucking teeth. Everybody's got a body part that they focus on.

This tone of voice right now, though, makes me think you are a pervert. Yeah. This defensive. Because, no, the reason I ask, I'm editing my one hour special and people are giving me notes and saying that you should take out the, I, there's like three or four bits that are really pervy. I mean, you know, my act, the one about like looking at the couple having sex in the next hotel room.

Yeah, I love that one, though. Really? Yeah. All right. So maybe I'll leave it in. So I don't know. I've had... Because wait, what they're missing, though, is you're the loser in that story. Yes. And so, and pathetic. And you lean totally into it. Yes. Right. Right. That's what I, that's my take away. So maybe I'll keep it in. I don't know. But yeah, I started a wonder if I'm a perv. And then Bob Patterson said, Summa cum laude, not pseudacom laudy.

Oh, it's come loudie. Okay. Oh, you said calm. Lost leader, not lost leader. I never said lost leader. Matt groaning, not Matt groanig. I probably said groanig. Bob, by the way, Bob is a, he's a master level correctionist.

He finds the real minutia, which is fascinating. Yeah, he's fact. checking that they played the Jets on that day right now, I'm sure. Mamarinic, New York, not far from where you grew up, the Emmelin Theater on May 31st. Technically, or I got married in Mamarinic. Right, and divorced in L.A. Escondido, Grand Comedy Club, June 7th and 8th. Pittsburgh, I'll be at the WDVE Festival, June 21st with Harlan Williams.

Buffalo, New York, the Darien Lake Amphitheater with Bird Kreischer, June 23rd. Wow. Yeah, that's going to be fun. Jesus, Buffalo. At least it's June. One quick story about Mimerick, very tiny. One time, Matt Dillon, right, who's from a Merritt. He came to the Kilbourne show.

And he was, like, too cool for school a little bit and, like, you know, a tough egg to crack. And he was, I had to go meet him because he didn't want to do five questions. I'm like, everyone does. He's like, all right, well, what are the answers? I'm like, Craig will fire anyone who gives the talent the answers. They were all real. So whatever. So I'm hanging in the wings with them, and it's a little awkward, and there's no way to, like,

break the ice. And so finally I just say to him, and he's from Amerinick, and I knew that. And I go, Pizza Mia in Eastchester is better than Sal's on Amerenic Avenue. And he goes, you go fuck yourself. And then we like hit it off and everything talking about pizzerias. That's funny. Yeah. When I used to hang out at the bars, remember North Avenue and Nourichelle, that strip of bars where you could get in underage? No. I was in boarding school. Well, we used to go over to nourishelma Marinica right next to each other. It's all the Guidos. Oh, yeah.

And Eastchester, which I think he used to call Grease Chester. I didn't. Everyone else did, yes. So we used to go to these bars, and he was from there. And so when he was like 18, he was already a star. And we all were at some bar, and he had these fucking collection of douchebags. They used to act like they were in some kind of a gang. and they would like stand in a circle around him at the bar

and they would like let girls in to talk to him. It was so gross. No, it's like entourage. It was like entourage. Well, the Upper East Side there was legends. He would just come in and take a girl into the bathroom. You know, very, very consensual. And 100% more than consensual, they would throw themselves at him.

You don't see him anymore, do you? He's in something new because I noticed the same. thing. I was like, oh, I haven't seen him in a while, but his something about Mary was so God-Dame fun. Something about Mary was amazing. I know that wasn't recent, but... Yeah. You know what's recent is the basketball playoffs. They are so good this year. Dude, we're going to talk about it later. I'm a Knicks fan, and I don't give a shit that I'm bandwagoned, and we'll talk about it later. Prize picks is the way you can get really excited about it. It's America's number one fantasy sport app. It's got five million members.

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Can we get a crinkle to begin? There we go. The Boy Scouts of America announced Tuesday. It will change its name to Scouting America next February to emphasize its commitment to inclusion. Though our name will be new, our mission remains unchanged Boy Scout President. I hope it doesn't remain unchanged. We're committed to teaching young people to be prepared for life. This will be simple but very important evolution.

as we seek to ensure that everyone feels welcome in scouting. Girls age 7 to 10 years have been able to join the scouting organizations program since 2018, with girls age 11 to 17 being permitted to join a year later. The decision to change its name has predictably been heavily criticized by right-wing organizations who have called the decision woke. It's not woke. They're rebranding because it's, it's, it's, It's a pedophile ring.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. And also, girls are not scouts. They're cookie salesmen. They are corporate shills. Boy scouts are fucking soldiers. Rwanda, Somalia, Yemen. They got boy soldiers.

They're beasts. And there will come a day, mark my words, where we are going to have to send our boy soldiers in to go up against them. And we don't need half the army to be. telling cookies and getting their first period. We need fucking savages. And how did girls come to be joining the Boy Scouts back when they were called that anyway? Like, so did families here like, okay, so it's they go in the woods and they set up a ton of rape tents and that's what happens to our little boys.

Can girls come? Yeah. Will you take our daughters, please? Yeah. What? Well, yeah. No, it's pretty crazy. Do you remember the old joke?

I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts for eating brownies? That's going to happen a lot more now. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. I get it now. I know. I was trying to remember the joke. It is a little, good luck with the rebranding. This goes into the next one.

The maker of the Swiss Army knife is working on a new version of the classic multi-tool, which won't have a blade. With innovation at the core of our brand, we are constantly listening to our consumers and their needs, acknowledging there's an appetite for the functionality, versatility, and craftsmanship the Swiss Army knife is known for. So they said he's concerned with increasingly stringent regulations

on knives and marks. All right, let's consider this knife is really mostly for Boy Scouts. It should have a fucking switchblade. It should have mace and a rape whistle. I think the knife technically is the least used part. I use the corkscrew more than anything. Oh, yeah. I used the little screwdriver, the little Philpset.

Yeah. I mean, it used to be in my shave kit till they didn't allow them on planes anymore. So now it's a drag. And by the way, I heard an article on this. And they totally pivoted after 9-11 and leaned into what? Because all of a sudden no one was buying Swiss Armaged because you couldn't travel. with them, which is what they're made for. Yes. And also, can we break this down? And I'm sure comedians in the 80s probably beat this

to death. But do the Swiss even have an army? Don't they generally surrender in the first five or ten minutes of a war? No, it's even not worse, but it's even more exaggerated than that. It's a neutral country. Yeah. I don't know. I guess there is an army. We'll get corrections, but of all armies to defang, I think the Swiss one's safe. You can take the knives out of the, out of the knives. That's true. I think that's why they have a corkscrew in it because while they're being invaded, they just open champagne.

Nobody's dying. Yeah. We're just going to hang out with the Nazis. Like the Boy Scouts, can I recommend a rebranding and call it a Swiss Army spoon? I remember there used to be fat ones with a spoon on it. Really? Oh, yeah. Well, there's tweezers.

I always like the tweezers. There's a little pick for your teeth, which is nice. A pen. Remember the little pen? The pen. How about the saw? The tiniest saw in the world. Yeah, I guess it was more of a file.

No, no. There was one that had like a little saw on it. Yes. And then, well, there's still really fat ones. And then a can opener. That was very useful for camping. Speaking of useful, A cat may have been, a cat may have used a couple of its nine lives when it was accidentally shipped with an Amazon return from Utah to California.

They got a call that their cat was missing. Carrie Clark said her family's indoor cat Galena mysteriously disappeared. Everyone searched around. Nobody could find it. And then on April 17th, they got a text that her, that cat's microchip had been scanned. And they got a call from a vet in California, said that they found the cat inside an Amazon box along five pairs of work boots. So it was still an indoor cat, just in a box.

Yeah, he was wearing the boots. That was crazy. Thank God there was two pairs. I told my husband, and we broke down. The box was a try before you buy and filled with steel. Anyway, the cat lived for six days. without food or water. And, you know, I think Amazon felt so bad

they sent the cat home on express delivery. They opened up the box and the cat immediately walked across the room and ignored them. If you have cats and you just heard this story and you're leaving for a weekend, you don't have to do anything. No, don't worry about food.

Don't worry about just, Just put it in a box and leave it in the kitchen. Right. It's going to get jostled a lot less than this cat. Yeah, the cats are sort of like the abused wives of the animal world. You can just ignore them. You just lock them in with a little bit of food in the corner. Come back seven days later.

You know, when I read this story, I think you cut down the story a little. It was more quotes from the owner, owner. Galena's owner, I guess. And it was an emotional support cat. And then she was just absolutely crushed, searched the neighbor and everything. And my first take on it was, it sounds like the cat was glad to be in the box and get away from the needy owner. Like too much stress and responsibility on that cat. Yeah.

Being shipped in steerage across the country is a lot more relaxing than being stroked so bad my fucking fur is falling out. Amazon delivery guy kicking it up to the door. Yeah. Completely. You want to read this next one? Michigan mom miraculously wakes up from five-year coma. Jennifer Flewellyn shocked everyone, including doctors and medical experts,

when she woke up from a five-year coma. The 41-year-old mother of three from Michigan suffered catastrophic injuries in September when her car, five years ago, when her car swerved across a roadway and struck utility pole. So there's not really much of that story, except I thought about imagine waking up after five years. Like, did I miss anything? Is Trump still president?

Prince Harry and Megan, they just had their son Archie. Is that going well? Is the queen still happy about that? Why am I seeing people wearing hospital masks and I've left the hospital? And also, my kids don't seem any smarter at all. Have they been studying? Yeah, right. My fat grandkids seem to be, well, not only that, but they gave her great news when she woke up.

She had two more kids, but her male nurses in prison. So that's a bigger family. That's a busy coma. That, well, did you see Kill Bill? I was thinking of a kill. That night, her husband said, it's time to go to sleep, honey. And she's like, I'm good. Pretty well rested for a little while.

That's insane. five, these five years. And do you think in a way, I think any five years from here on it will just be bad shit crazy? Like, I know everyone says that, but I think the years are getting crazier. Oh, yeah. I don't think there's been a bigger technological and political shift in this country in a five-year period ever. Maybe the Industrial Revolution. Imagine catching her up to AI.

Like, hey, what? Wait, that was a movie by Spielberg with a little boy. So they're a little boy robots? No, no, it's way more insidious than that. Meanwhile, all this technology, and in five years you couldn't shake me out of a deep sleep? Right. Two teens were kicked out of their elite California Catholic school. While falsely accused of wearing blackface, they've been jointly awarded more than a million dollars after proving it was just a

green acne face mask. Ah, they were 14 when they took a photo during a sleepover. And wearing the treatment in solidarity with a friend suffering from severe acne, the treatment bought by some of the women's moms was light green when applied and turned dark green once it was dry. Well, maybe they can use the million dollars on some acutane and not fucking put masks on. I mean, green face sounds like an Irish slam. Yeah. They were dressed as a statue of liberty.

Well, they got, it was, I don't think they should have gotten in trouble because the article leaves out that these kids were black. If, if they're black, what's the? Yeah. They're all going to buy, they got a million dollars. You know they're all buying like sports cars and some cool new clothes, but still not getting laid with that nasty acne. By the way, from someone who did have terrible acne in high school, no, thank you. Don't, I don't want solidarity. I don't want anyone drawing attention to it.

Right. Thank you. Yeah. Especially when you don't need it. Don't wear a mask like I need. Yeah, I don't need my friends all getting together and not fucking their wives because I have erectile dysfunction. Let me just quietly sob in the corner of my bed while my wife fucking buzzes off again. No, Greg, let me, in solidarity, we're really, we're best friends.

Let me, let me do a penis pump online just to raise awareness for your issues. Yeah. Yeah. Local news. By the way, too late, but I thought of a funny joke when the woman wakes up out of a coma and she's like, as to fill out the form, she's like, what do you mean what are my pronouns? What are you talking about? Yeah. That's changed?

Yeah. How do I identify? I identify as awake. Yeah. My pronouns are here and present. Totally. All right. I saw this.

This story actually got sent to me because I do this. An L.A. man uses a mannequin to drive in the carpool lane. Santa Fe Springs, California. the Los Angeles man finally got an answer to the age-old question, does a mannequin count as a second occupant for the carpool lane if it sits in a passenger seat? And the answer was no. Officer Kaplan made the enforcement stop after the driver allegedly crossed solid double lines. Listen, that's one thing I won't do.

I'm not going to break the law more than I'm already breaking the law if I have a mannequin in the passenger seat. when I worked in Burbank every day, I got one, and I think I've talked about it on this podcast. And the one time that I thought I was going to get pull over, for somehow there was more of a left lane than the carpool lane. And the cop was there on his motorcycle looking straight into the windshields because everyone has their windows tinted. And you and I used to put like tennis rackets with hats on them when we worked at Ellen

to get back. So anyway, it is not a traffic violation, but it's a fine. That's why I was like, you know what, I'll pay $250 if I get caught once in a year to cut off hours on the commute. So anyway, I've talked about it before, I think, but when I saw the cop, I picked up my coffee and I pretended to be in an animated argument with my mannequin. and the saddest part of it was I was really yelling at it. Like, I didn't have to. I could have just mimed it. But I was like, how could you say that?

Like, you started screaming. At that point, you were in the death throes of your marriage. So you actually lost the argument. Oh, totally. You were just so used to it. That's not what I said. And then I guess the officers confiscated the blowup doll, took it to the evidence room,

and fuck the shit out of it. There's a lot more DNA on it now. Entertainment, let's do it. Let's do it. All right. What do we got? Roast jokes. All right.

Let me find, I guess we'll start with Ron Burgundy. Did you guys write for Ron Burgundy or he did it on his own? No, we wrote a ton and he didn't use any of it. But it was part of the, part of the show, which was the most exhausting part, is we wrote a lot to book people. All right, here's one. So we wrote a lot for Schwarzenegger. We were trying to convince him to fly from Toronto where he was working and do the roast. So we wrote one for Schwarzenegger.

Here we go. I'm going to do the Schwarzenegger voice because it's painting. for everyone and I enjoy that. But he was like, it goes, thank you, Kevin. It's nice to see a heart that doesn't need a pacemaker because his pacemaker. And he goes, but to be fair, you're the only heart that should be enlarged. And he then goes to Tom, do you mind if I light up with a cigar? He's like, of course you mind. You're scared of strawberries. So the angle on Schwarzenegger was then going to be, he was convincing him, and I'm not going to read the whole thing, to do action movies. but he had a lot of good jokes

which was let's see we have oh he goes clearly you've the one thing you've never done has gone to the gym

we have a nickname for guys like you at the gym receptionist I like that one here I'll read you some Belichick we wrote thank you Ron Burgany he did that one

the only member of the media I respect I got two words for the producers of this show clock management Let's see. He did a lot that we wrote for him. He rejected a bunch and then we kind of got what he wanted to go after.

I've rejected every one of these jokes so far. Really? Yeah. All right. Here was a good one about Edelman. We wrote it for Tom and Tom didn't want to do it. We did it for a lot of other people. But I just gave away the joke.

But it was basically when Tom was splitting from Giselle, Edelman asked, and which was unbelievable, Edelman asked, do you mind if I hit that? And Giselle said, sure, he's all yours. We like that joke a lot.

That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. Kim Kardashian, I'm single now. That's what Bill Belichick. We wanted him to say he would not say it. Julian, you're looking sharp. I almost didn't recognize you without Tom's ass

on the tip of your nose. our dynasty, Dickie wrote this one, our dynasty was not without scandal like the time we had a murderer on the team. Of course I'm not talking about that one. I'm talking about the time Gronk pet those rabbits to death. Pet them to death. That's hilarious.

I love that one. That might have been too literate for that stupid crowd. Yeah, it might have been. And Randy Moss, by the way, had such a good angle, which was his angle, which is he was up there between cheating scandals, and why didn't you all cheat when I was up there? We wrote so many funny jokes, he's like,

by the way, the one time you had a black guy to pin it on in Boston, you didn't cheat. That was a great one I wanted him to do. Nikki graduated from the University of Kansas with a degree in English literature, which I'm sure came in handy as her job as the host of Fuck Boy Island. Nikki used to be a tight end, but now she's pushing 50.

Nikki, thank you for taking time off, making the baristas at Starbucks miserable to be here tonight. And that didn't work. Let's see. Naturally, Gronk is worried about testing for CTE because he hasn't studied. Oh, Gronk has a lot of injuries over his career, mainly from motorboating the Jugs Machine.

What's the Jugs Machine? The Jugs Machine is that the big two, wheels that throw footballs. Oh. All right. Let's do some sports. Where the fuck? Here we go.

This is how pathetic I am, but I don't think it's pathetic. I'm proud that I bailed on the Knicks the last 15 to 20 years. I tried occasionally, but since Ewing in that era, it's just too much. As everyone knows, I'm a Jets fan. Oakley. Starks. That was the last time I watched the next. I was so into it.

Yeah. And it's been since 19, I believe it's 73, that they won. It's ridiculous. Yeah. And the Jets is 69. And my favorite Yankees were winless. It was Don Mattingly's years. He's my favorite Yankee of all time.

The 70s. No, no, no, that was 80s. Don Mattingly is still my favorite Yankee of all time. Dave Winfield, who is the pitcher? And the New York Rangers. Ron Guidry. Also the New York Rangers. Catfish Hunter.

I'm going to be a bandwagon with them also. They're killing it. But the Rangers also won win since 1940? No, no. The Rangers got the Stanley Cup back in like 90. maybe. One win. Yeah. One. That's what I just said.

Oh, okay. I thought you said they haven't won since then. No, one win. They didn't win one. Didn't Tampa Bay beat them just recent? I mean... Yes. Well, you know, you know it's an exciting team, too, is the Boston Bruins. I, even though I'm from New York and I grew up a Rangers fan, it's so funny. Like that era of time, I was so much more into New York sports. I was into the Mets, you know, in the 80s. Like right when they won the World Series, I don't know, the Rangers, Barry Beck and the Maloney brothers and Esposito's final years.

But no, the Rangers now look great. People hate when we talk about sports because we really don't know shit about it. But it's time to get on the bandwagon again. Oh, that's my whole. whole point. Are you kidding me? It's, uh, and they play today. Today we're going to pretend is Sunday and they play today. Okay. I'm not giving up on this burgundy. I'm finding this burgundy script. Stay tuned. I'm reading a burgundy script and it's going to be fucking awesome. You go ahead. Okay. Let's get to this day in history. Oh God. I got to crinkle. You can do it.

All right. All right. Here we go. The burgundy script was fucking right here. Oh, here I found it. But first this day in history. This day in history. All right, Greg, you're ready to play? Let's play. Okay. Give or take, what should I do here? Ten years.

The first flight over the North Pole. Flight over the North Pole. A Norwegian explorer, Rold Amundsen, an American scientist, Lincoln Ellsworth, an Italian engineer, forget that guy, made the first undisputed flight over the North Pole on this day in what year? I'm going to go with 1907. 1926. Oh, so close.

1907, you got to think about airplanes. Oh, yeah. Wait, World War I had planes. So that was like 1917. So it took them six years after that to fly over the North Pole. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't think it was. prioritized. All right.

Okay. George Carlin, one of our heroes, was born on this day in what year, give her take four years? He was born in 1936. Good Lord, 1937. Nice. Give or take one year. Exile on Main Street came out from the Rolling Stones. Exile on Main Street came out in 1936.

in 1970. 72. I nailed that. I nailed that. I think I knew you were going to say that. Okay. The Donner Party left Independence, Missouri for California on this date in what year, give or take 25 years.

All right. I'm going to say 1815. No, sir. 1846. Oh, Jesus. During the Civil War? Where was the Civil War? 1860 or 1840?

1865 was when it ended, I believe. Let's see if there's anything else, but we might have covered it. There wasn't a lot here. Richie Valens, whatever. Pope, but it wasn't a big Pope day. A lot of birthdays. I guess we could do another birthday. Why don't we do one more?

Let me see if I can make it interesting. Lena Dunham? Not interesting. Again, for the sake of a tight show, you could always like pick a few in advance. Unlike this one, Catherine Hepburn was born on this day, in what year? And I'm going to say give her take 10.

She was born in 1927. No, sir. 1907. No shit. Really? Yes. Oh, yeah. I guess African Queen would have been in the like 1960, right?

Okay, are you ready? This is what I should have. I couldn't find it. It was on a PDF and I fucking was looking in word. Ron Burgundy. You ready? Yeah. This is what we wrote for Ron Burgundy.

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt the LGBTQ NFL. this is the greatest quarterback of all time. Is this a fucking joke? Does all time include the 20th century when there were men? We had performance enhancing drugs in my day. And we called them drugs. They did coke and fucked on the field. Tom, there was a guy named Fran who was more of a man than you.

Joe Namath did blow out of a hooker's asshole last week. Kenny Stabler's nickname was. snake. Mean Joe Green's real name was mean. Dick Buckus, for God's sake, that's a real man. What do we have now? Tom, terrific. My cock just threw up in its mouth. And what's a Julian Edelman? They play now? Back in my day, the only people taking a knee were cheerleaders as God intended. It used to be the steel curtain and purple people eaters. What is it now? The Legion of Boom. I'm was Capao taken and they'll always be the redskins

to me. Every team should do the Tomahawk chop, especially the Patriots. You were the first to kill them. Hockey's the only sports still on the name game. The Predator, Stranger Danger. I was watching the other day and I swear I saw a girl

referee. Good luck with her truth. And male cheerleaders, what kind of Filipino dive bar is this? Somehow, NFL you've become gayer than European football. And then we gave him the O.J. Simpson run. Okay, cool it.

Everyone knows it's a coincidence about O.J. Simpson, except for Aaron Rogers. But tonight's Tom's roast and OJ's was three weeks ago. Nice. That was like a sample that the room put together for him and sent. But, you know, they're very territorial, as they should be, with the Ron Burgundy character and stuff. That's great. But we love that soft angle. We also did like names of teams.

And it was, we did another run for them. And it was really, really funny. All right. Don't forget people. Coosies still on sale. We got a hefty bag in the corner of Mike's apartment that's just scream and buy me. $10 all in, including shipping. Go to fitsdog.com.

Get them now. And they're all going out. There's no longer a slam. They're going out day of. now. We have no obituary this week. Nobody we cared about died this week, unless you guys have thought of somebody we missed. I know. An entertainment reporter here in L.A., who everybody really liked. That was about it. All right. And then the Sunday Funnies is a guy named Dane said. I think I figured it out. You guys fly through the Sunday Pate Fonies with nothing but pure

criticism, which is fine because you guys have shown a light on how unfunny most of it is. True, Dane, I am a huge fan of the Lockhorns, and I think we read some really funny ones week in and week out. However, you have a slew of budding artists in your fandom, and you're basically a middle-aged gay couple at this point, especially after Mike disregarded your funny premise, which in itself was laugh out loud funny. What was my funny premise? I don't know. So I put it to you guys. Make a three-panel funny, or just a one-panel far-side-style joke,

every week. You guys clearly have the confidence to do so and just throw a couple bucks to an artist who can create the panel, then post it every week to the socials, maybe even a caption contest for a free beer coozy. What are we, the New Yorker? Yeah. I don't know. This is a job. This is in like a one-off while I'm boiling water. I'm going to write a cartoon. Yeah, this sounds like real work. Maybe you've confused us with how did this thing get made. but I'm just saying if I did that right this is this is I think our point

if I just try to do it rather easily and with no effort it would be probably a little better than family circus which means it's still shit yes but it's like if you give me the family circus panel you and I could come up with better jokes for it

but people already do that you know here's something interesting What if we get, oh God, more fan submissions could be a lot of work. They send in a submission and then we put it on the YouTube. People write captions and we read them the next week. Or that's going to be even less funny. No, caption this. I bet we can get some good ones.

Yeah? Why don't we try one or someone, send in a cartoon panel. You can send in whatever the hell you want. Yeah, let's make it a single panel because that's the easiest one to make jokes for. single panel cartoons. We will put it on the YouTube channel, maybe even posted on our Instagram account, and then you guys,

we will give a coozy to whoever has the funniest caption the following week. All right, good idea, Dane. Let's get to Hagger the Horrible, or Hagar, depending on who you are. Crinkle. I know, we already did a crinkle. There is a,

It looks like a Duke type of a gentleman, maybe an Earl. And he's in bed with his wife who has golden braided hair and a slice of cake inexplicably in her lap as they're going to bed. And the Duke says, I hear strange noises in the castle. She says, go check it out and bring back a fork for my cake. And he goes, what if it's Hagger the Horrible and I don't make it back? She's like, I'll eat it with my hands. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If it's Hagger the horrible, you're going to be eating his ass.

That's what you're going to be eating. Oh, Jesus. Maybe you are a pervert. No. I mean, what's Hagger going to do? What's the order of business? First of all, she's holding cake. It's his two favorite things.

Cake and rape. Yeah, it's true. It's kind of like the scorpion, like, who sting's you? Like, what do you expect? I'm a scorpion. Yeah. What do you expect? I rape.

I'm Hager. And then we got. We got the lockhorns. We got this multiple one, but one of them was very funny. Is this a paleo? Yeah, there's a guy doing card tricks at a party. It's a cocktail party. And there's nothing more annoying than a guy who does fucking magic at a cocktail party.

Yeah. And she looks at Leroy. She looks at her friend and she goes, Leroy is good at card tricks too. He can make all his money disappear playing poker. I like that. Leroy is at the dentist and he looks at the dentist and he goes, I chipped a tooth on Loretta's chipped beef.

It's okay. I like when he confronts Loretta about it. Leroy has got his pockets and they're pulled out of his pants. And Loretta goes somewhere, there's a very disappointed pickpocket. Look at Loretta's friend. That's a tough look. Yeah. here's a great one

he's talking to Loretta who's looking in the mirror and he goes you're afraid of turning it to your mother think how I feel that's great that's great that's a good one

okay here we are again in the bottom corner they're on a fishing boat they both have fishing poles and she goes you're going to need a much smaller boat a Jaws reference yeah

all right Calvin and Hobbs I'm doing the 15 I think funniest or whatever they're called. I think 15 best, greatest Calvin and Hobbs of all time. This is number 11. I'm counting down from 15. So Calvin and Hobbs are together.

Calvin's like, okay, Hobbs, press the button and duplicate me. Is he, he's in a cardboard box? I guess they're pretending. It's a machine, right? And so Hobbs like, are you sure this is such a good idea? Calvin throws up his arms. Brother, you do. doubting Thomas is getting the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions.

This is a brilliant idea. Hit the button, will you? Calvin's like I, I mean, Hobbs is like, I hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress. So here you go. Boink, presses the button. Now Hobbs goes, scientific progress goes boink. Are you following this? Did, oh, did he say boy? Boink from inside the box when he pressed the button? I guess so, yeah. So then it's like scientific progress goes boink and then from inside the box. It worked. It worked.

I'm a genius. And then inside the box it goes, no, you're not, you liar. I invented this. I have no idea what's going on. I don't get that. No, you're not liar. I invented this. Oh, okay.

He was duplicated. So now he's doing the voice of someone. Oh, that's not bad. That's hilarious. I like that. I guess. Hobbs doesn't seem amused. No.

Well, he's deadpanning it. This is, you know, maybe he's not as animated because the boy's not there. He turns back into a stuffed animal. That's why he's... I mean, it could have been a time machine. You press it once. Then you press it to get him back. And he's like, hear ye, hear ye.

Like, you know, whatever. Okay. It's not bad. Sure. Speaking of not bad, here's... 11th of all time. Blondie's wearing her classic black and whites. I love this.

The black felt skirt. She's sitting at the breakfast table looking so sweet and pretty. And she's got her arm crossed and she's looking. She's not looking at her husband because he has chosen to put a newspaper in front of his face as she sits there waiting. And she goes, honey, did you forget your promise to stop reading the morning paper at the table? He goes, I'm sorry, sweetheart. it's a bad habit I need to break. And she goes, there's that handsome face that I remember.

And then he goes back to reading the fucking paper. She, this hot piece of ass, this 10 is lying to you and saying that you're handsome. You should be so grateful. You should be staring at her eyes, begging her forgiveness for your mediocrity at your job. And then he goes, do you know anything about the new sandwich shop? that's going in next to your catering shop and she goes, whoa, and she gets down and looks at the paper too.

Kind of a dumb ending, but the first half is what gets me. This is like his imagination. Maybe that's what's going on. The whole thing is somehow from here. That's why she hasn't left him. Right. That's true.

This could all be some kind of an apparition. This could be like Dagwood, he fantasized about having this wife. And then even in his dream, couldn't step up and be the man that she needs to be. He's just a lonely guy in his apartment. He's never come near a blondeie. Yeah.

That's the best explanation I've ever heard for this. And it's called Blondie because it's his fascination. It's his fantasy. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, speaking of fantasy, you can play sports with prize pick, the number one fantasy sports app.

And when you do it, you are going to download. the app and use code papers for first deposit match up to $100. Also, don't forget game time, whether you're going to buy tickets for sports, theater, comedy, anything. Download game time today. Create an account and use code papers for $20 off your first purchase. Thank you to Chris Denman for hanging with us today. Yeah.

Mid Coast Media out there in St. Louis, taking care of all of your social marketing, needs and editing and producing live events. They do so much. That's it. Anything to promote? Yeah. Next week, I'm going to have 10 jokes prepared on a piece of paper and I'll read them. So sorry about the time waste today. Also, we told Denman we would talk about the Tom Brady, in my opinion, that Tom Brady yelling at Jeff Ross was real. and I have a story about that and I can tell that next week

if this roast is still on people's minds. Good teaser. I love it. A little teaser. All right, Mike. I'll see you soon. Yeah, what are you doing? What are you doing for the Knicks tomorrow today? What time's the game?

It's on Sunday. I don't know. I'm not that good of a fan. You mean Mother's Day? I'm just, oh, it is Mother's Day. Although if it's like a three in the afternoon, I could probably sneak it in. All right, we'll figure it out. We're going to figure it out.

Go Nicks. Go Rangers. Tonight I'm going to see Tim Robbins in a play because he's coming on my radio show on Tuesday. Wow. I say Monday I got Andy Richter coming in. Tuesday I've got Tim Robbins coming in. Big week on the podcast. I'd say so.

All right. All right. I guess we'll see you guys later. Take it ish. Take itish. Read all about it. Read all about it. It's time for the Sunday Papers podcast.

Mike on the left, Greg on the right. Front page news and golfing shoes. Oh, that Govins is a funny dude. So let's get to that man, that Florida man. Then on to the funnies Loretta and Leroy, Dagwood and Blondie, who Greg is so fondy, But love all around for it's where I get me news and breaks my blues,

Just read all about it. Come on, read all about it, And then always take it, Ish. Read all about it, Read all about it, And then always take it He Street

Ovens is a funny dude So let's get to that man, that floorhood of a man Then on to the funnies Loretta and Leroy, Dagwood and Blondie Who Brig is so fondy But love all around for it's where I get me news and breaks my blues Just read all Go!