Sunday Papers - 🚨 RERUN: Sunday Papers Ep. 79 (Easter Weekend Replay)

Episode Date: April 5, 2026

🚨 Easter Weekend Rerun 🚨 We’re off for the holiday, so we’re bringing back one of our favorite episodes from the archives. Episode 79 (Originally Aired): A grown man sues his parents for throwing out his porn, a redneck almost kidnaps his kid's principal for making the child wear a mask, and we pay our respects to two gentlemen who crashed while in the back of a self-driving Tesla. RIP Leland. Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Thanks to our sponsor, Lucy. Go to http://Lucy.co and use promo code "papers" for 20% off your order. Comments, corrections: email fitzdogradio @ gmail.com Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to Westjetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Check one two days. Check one, two.

Yeah, it sounds better. Here we go. All right. Wait, one more time. Check one, two. Check it, check it, check it. Yeah, weird. Weird. My answer. The right one's bad. Okay. Okay. So what are we? We're all, all, all, why don't we do a podcast?

And let's keep this in. This is that magic at the top that everyone's ring. Haven about? Read all about it. Oh, geez. Read. Get your abortions now. Sunday paper plus an abortion's got to be quicker than six weeks. Nobody wants the news or the baby after six weeks.

Read all about it. All right. Let's start for real now. No? You got very charged up about this abortion thing this week. Yeah. Well, I did. All right, let's put the lady.

aside. Let's put the pregnancies aside. The legal maneuver they pulled is bonkers. You mean having vigilantes out in the streets? Burning money by turning in their neighbors? That's insane. Okay, so hear us out. Even if you

are pro-life, that's not the issue I'm talking about. So let's replace this abortion issue with any other issue that is a federal law. Like, for instance, I don't know, but replace it with something else. The state is saying, yeah, yeah, we got it. We know we can't violate that federal law. So we're not going to

enforce it. Instead, we're going to deputize our citizens in this way. They will sue someone who's like on the way to Planned Parenthood. And they can win at least $10,000 if in fact that person was going there to violate this new state. Not just them. you can turn in an Uber driver for driving them. You can make a shitload of money. I mean, for people that don't have a lot of money, which, by the way, that's what these laws target. The people that don't have a lot of money

are the ones that have to get abortions locally. Rich people, they can jet off to the next fucking state. But even again, let's say you're right, all that is in play. But even if it were an abortion, you're right, the Uber driver, the doctor, any party now. But here's the key that I want to express. You sue them for $10,000, and if you win, you win at least $10,000, and they, they, the woman, the Uber driver, the clinic, the whatever issue you're doing, they have to pay your legal fees. So it's fantastic.

Now, if you sue some woman who's going to Planned Parenthood, and it turns out she's in her rights, it's five weeks, or she's not even going there for that, or whatever it is, and you lose, you do not have to pay their legal fees. So it's a free swing to sue anyone. So that has created the desired effect that everyone will be terrified, like, to do anything. So interesting news broke last night. A Texas judge saw this for what it was and is like, whoa, because what they did was, Texas right to life. That's the name of it.

Started their campaign. they are blindly suing all Planned Parenthoods to drive them out of business. Because all the Planned Parenthood have to defend this lawsuit that has no merit. Right. Meanwhile, keep in mind, Planned Parenthood does not just perform abortions. They also detect cervical cancer with regular treatments for people that can't afford it. They provide birth control pills for women, which is not always – to do with keeping from getting pregnant.

It's also sometimes that's prescribed for health reasons for women. It regulates their flow, and it allows them to, it helps in other medical ways besides just preventing pregnant. Right. And it helps women who aren't getting late at all thing. You know what, I'm still in the game. Hey now. By the way, am I not going to get shit about wearing a red sweater in September? I don't know.

All you're doing is waving your abortion flag, so it's distracting. It's like Christmas. I got the green wall and the red sweater. If you're not watching this on YouTube, people, you're really missing out on a big part of the experience. You screamed Merry Christmas. I didn't know what that was referring to. When did I scream Merry Christmas?

I think before we started, when Chris joined it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I did it. I was trying to get ahead of the insults that you fucking Lamos haven't even given me. I actually put this sweater on half kiddingly this morning thinking, Let me throw some raw meat to the animals. Isn't it going to be in the 80s today?

It's going to be high 80s today. It's always the same in this closet, it seems. I'm in a T-shirt. Not much humidity. Feels good. Yeah. You look good. How's the rosacea?

That's a fun question. It seems to be under control. We'll see. We'll see how it goes. But I told you, I took that acutane in it. It's had a lasting bad effects. Like, I am sore as shit still. Still.

No, dude. Yeah, we played golf yesterday. I'd be crushing. I can't rotate. Anyway, we're not talking about that. Let's talk about our friend Dennis. Our famous friend Dennis, known for being the most solid friend in the world and giving vaccine appointments ahead of all socioeconomically challenged people in Los Angeles

to his white friends. But there's some sad. news in Dennis' life this week. Dennis' beautiful dog, who he's very close to. Leeland. Yeah, Leeland. He passed yesterday. And it was so sad because

he had him for, he's like a 12-year-old dog. He was a golden retriever, like a real man's man kind of a dog. And, you know, it was just famous to see Dennis driving through the streets of Venice with his beach cruiser with the basket, with paddles in it,

to play paddle tennis and the dog running next to him. And it was just the most mel. He'd go, we'd go to the, the Penmar to the golf course, and everybody knew the dog. Yep. So it happened very fast. He was just like, you know, just literally overnight, from the symptoms to them having to put him down.

It was so sudden. It was really, really sudden. And it was one of those where 12-plus years, the, he went in thinking it was digestive and all that stuff, but I guess he had a cyst on his spleen that had, ruptured and and then the vet just gave him the real sad news. I think I'm getting this right. Sorry, Dennis.

I know we listen sometimes if I have it wrong. But that, listen, I can already tell you this would be like it was an extraordinary amount of money because of surgery. And it would not buy him much time at all. They said like a week. It could be as little as a week even with surgery. Right. Yeah.

So he had a quondry because we were scheduled to play some golf up in the valley yesterday where it was 93 degrees. And he decided to not stay at home and instead come out with his buddies and get his mind off of it. Well, we forced that a little bit, I think, in a good way. Because he had to leave Leland there and then Leland was gone. And then he'd be going home alone. And whatever, we don't have to talk much more about this. I think I've kind of never lost a dog, really, before, like, you know, I was away at school and hours. Anyway, there was no mental, like, I think a lot of people have their last night with their dog.

Yeah. They know it's the last meal, maybe. Whatever it is, he had none of that. Yeah. So he was going home to that apartment with, like, just this shattering new reality. Well, hopefully what cheered him up is he came out and he played out of his fucking mind. He played so well. He won so much money off of me.

He literally, all of my earnings from golf for the year, I lost to Dennis yesterday. Well, we didn't tell him. We all played shit and lost on purpose. Yeah. No, I was even par after seven holes yesterday, and he was beating me. No, he played great. Which was, you know, it was just to get him out there and keep them away from home. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So later on, we're going to talk about, I finally watched Dave season two. You won't tell me a single thing. You said save it for the podcast. You've been saying this.

That's all we do. We hang out together off the show and everything. Every time our conversation starts to get interesting, one of us says, save it for the show. So we literally have nothing to talk about when we see each other. That's kind of true. We just make fun of Dennis's dead dog on the fifth hole. So I also want to tease a new segment called Local News. Local News.

I don't know if we'll do it every week, but I went into the next door. app. I guess I get emails, and I'll explain it with the Next Door app, is anyway, there was a story that just made me laugh so hard. I had, I like photo, I screen grabbed them, and I'll read my very local story from the Next Door app. Shout out to the wonderful John Jettick, who did this week's song, which I thought was a really cool song. Yeah. God, the songs, I mean, that's an undertaking. Yep. I guess I would be that way. If I was under deadline, you know,

Like on something I had to write and I was really into the podcast and I could I could write songs and I would do that. That's what happened. It's like cleaning your garage when you have way more important shit to do. And we're not saying the rhymes have to be, you know, M&M level. It can be Greg and Legg, which John did in this song. That was the rhyme. That's a real rhyme. What's it called?

A phantom rhyme? Well, what do poets call it? There's a rhyme where it's technically not a rhyme, but it sounds similar. and there's a very famous, there's a name for it, I forget it. Automatopoeia? No, no, it's like a false rhyme or something like that. Anamotapia, no. Wowzer, no.

The logo this week from Jackie Lawrence, who did a very funny one referring to my story last week of dancing dressed as a leprechaun on the Ellen DeGeneres show while being laughed at by the woman that I've probably masturbated to more than any celebrity in my life. Did you really? Yeah, well, her and Brad. Wait, who's Brad?

Brad Pitt. Oh, sorry. Jesus Christ. I, yeah, looking at this photo, I think she's kind of into you here. Yeah, she's totally into me. Yeah, am I Ellen? You're Ellen, yeah. Ellen wore that?

That's embarrassing. Yeah, well, she, you know. She's a lesbian. She, she in a boy band? No, but any adult wearing that, it's an adult. I'm not even talking about gender. Right. All right, anyway.

Some corrections. House of Donuts fans says Greg's sticky fingers cover is a man. Huge bulge is visible. I went back and I looked at it. That is in fact true. Did you, do you, I thought you were obviously kidding. Of course it's a man's. Yeah.

That was a bird. Nice. Yeah. This one is, I have a correction. The most offensive and amazing mascot is from Rhode Island School of Design, RISD, which is where David Byrne went and a bunch of other famous artist. Scrody is the mascot. He can be found at most of their sporting events. Perhaps you'll see him at a NADS hockey game or a balls basketball game.

This is a joke. No, this is true. They really do. RISD has a mascot. I sent you the picture. You saw the picture, right? No, I know you send the picture, but isn't that some guy just storming the court and running across it like a flasher? Did you fact check this, Greg?

Did not fact check it? Oh, great. Now we're going to get corrections on corrections. No, I think it's a real thing. All right, we're waiting for Chris to start typing in this document. You want to jump into the podcast at some point, Chris? I mean, I know St. Louis is a different time. time zone, but can you try to be in this time zone for these two hours?

Well, I don't know what time zone is. Is Chris in Texas suing the shit out of everybody? Hey, while simultaneously getting underage girls pregnant? But you know, you know, Florida is very close. They full on have prepped to follow the Texas law. So all these states that don't like federal laws are going to sidestep them. Yeah, this is going to be Texas is just the beginning. And of course, no. None of this would be an issue. None of it would be. Texas, listen.

Texas is the misbehaved, stupid kid in the backseat who won't shut up, right? Texas is just a child, okay? That's fine. A big child. That's fine. We know that Texas is a big idiot. The federal government's job, the Supreme Court, is supposed to be like, get to your room, no dinner. Right.

No, you fucked up. Get to your room, no dinner. and the Supreme Court decided not to be parents anymore. Right, right. So it's their fault. It's not even Texas. Texas is like, you know, the Scorpion. Like, what did you think Texas was going to do?

Yeah. Or try to do. All right. James said. Oh, my God, I love it. Are there boycotts starting already, by the way? Honestly. They shouldn't get a super, but private companies that don't agree with this, they're private.

Boycott them then. And also the public, if you don't want it, boycott those products. That's fair. Well, I've already heard that artists are not supposed to go to Texas to perform. That's the first boycott, which could be tough because I'm scheduled to go to. Rogan asked me to come to the opening weekend of his club whenever it opens. Oh, look who just called himself an artist. Artist formerly known as comedian.

Yeah. I'm an artist. I don't know if I should perform them down there. You know what? I'm just going to go for OK laughs. I'm not going to give you 100% guys. Yeah, right. You don't deserve it.

I know I'll sabotage the Texans, not give him the real shit. Yeah. So, oh, we finally have, is, is. Here he comes. Is Chris going to finally, is he going to write something? I don't. Oh, Jesus. There he is.

There's the picture. But is that fact checking it? Or is that just a picture of a guy dressed as a dick at a, Yeah, I mean, I've been like that at Halloween a ton of times in a giant ball sacks around my knees and my head in the head. Yeah. The pink hat, the pink crown. They have a circumcised. It really is an amazingly unattractive thing, the male penis and the female penis.

And in animals, too. When you see it, you're like, oh, that's primitive. It's much sexier watching like an airplane. fuel another airplane in flight. Have you ever seen that footage? Yeah. It's very sexy. That like long fuel tube like hovers down and then they have to line it up and it's almost a little like four plays. It's trying to find the valve, you know? Right, right. Oh boy, I got myself worked up. It's real. Chris says it's real. Okay. All right. So RISD is officially the coolest school in the country. I mean, the talking head started there so it already had a leg up and now it's got this up.

My friend's daughter just started there this fall. Really? Yeah, do you know Mario and Mario? Mario and Mary, they live around the corner from us, they're architects. I would have remembered that couple's tandem name thing. No. She, he was out windsurfing. They were in Hawaii, and he had a heart attack, and he collapsed on his board and fell into the water.

and she was on the shore. She used to be a lifeguard. She fucking dove in the water, swam out, got him in a cross chest carry, and put him on his board, put him on his board, and saved his life. Was that insane?

Yeah. Oh, man, he can't leave. That's it. He can't leave Mary. That's for sure. Nope. Although my man, George Lopez left his wife, and part of it was he took her kidney with him.

Took the kidney. the whole thing, not half of it, the whole thing. Yep, but just one of them. This comes from James. Hi guys, love the show. I never thought I'd be emailing in a correction, but I guess I'm that guy now. When Mike said the Palm Beach Post was called The Shiny Sheet,

he's actually thinking of the Palm Beach Daily News, not the Palm Beach Post. The shiny sheet is the paper for the town. Okay, got it. He's correct. He's totally, you know, as I was saying it, I'm like, I wonder if I'm calling you the Shiny Sheet. But he did talk about,

It is absolutely true regarding the Daily News, and that's why. And that is why they did it. But good correction. You're that guy now, though. You're that guy. Adam Bean is that guy, too. He says, you're off by two weeks on this one, buddy. Women neither present nor are horny during their periods.

I think I talked about how women want to have sex during their periods. Oh, okay. This is interesting. All right. So that's just a fact. All right. I've had different experiences. Women present and are horny when they are ovulation.

and that occurs midway between each period and lasts only about a day or two. Then, if you knock out eight hours at work, during meals, bathing, driving to and from work, texting calls and other distractions, entering a club, being in a bathroom in a club, being anxious in a club, being completely drunk, dancing with her girlfriends, blah, blah, blah.

It's only about eight hours a month. Any sex that happens any other time is not because she's horny, it's because she has some sort of mental transaction occurring in her head, i.e. to get leverage, exhausted from all the nagging and harassing to have sex with her, to get leverage to have work done elsewhere, out of duty, spite. Wow. Question. Is Adam married or divorced? Right. I think he doesn't sound happy at all, so I'm going to go with married, not divorced. It sounds like he's married and looking for a way out at this point.

point. By the way, I think he has a lot wrong here. I've encountered women who are incredibly Randy during that time of the month and very specifically are not in the mood at all while ovulating. Sometimes they experience pain. Yeah. They're like, ah, like, you know, they're like, I'm ovulating. I think they're like, they like have a pain. I find my wife is most horny when I'm on the road. That's what I hear. Garrett Popple says, Hagger the Horrible had nothing to do with rape.

I joked last week that the woman who was handing out coins was doing it so she didn't get raped. They all grabbed a cup and acted like poor beggars, and they took all the money through begging instead of war because they were tired. That was such a funny joke. joke and you ruined it. Oh, Garrett. Okay. Garrett?

All right. What does Garrett think of the rest? So these are jokes, Garrett. How does he make it through the podcast? How did he get, we do the funnies at the end? How did he, how did Garrett get that far? We had already, we had already made anti-Semitic jokes. We had made jokes against, you know, women and jokes.

general. Garrett's next. Guys, there are plenty of intelligent people in Florida. I don't know. Yeah.

Garrett, we gotcha. It wasn't that funny of a joke that they were just begging for money. It really wasn't. We were trying to help it a little bit.

No, I mean, look, the whole spirit of the comics is that these are made for kids and that the undertone of Hager and a lot of the other ones is either rape or hitting your wife or being a shit husband who doesn't listen

or care about his hot fucking blonde wife? That's kind of the overall theme and maybe I need to remind people that that's the theme but I shouldn't have to at this point. There's a couple of things. First of all, Garrett, thank you for writing, honestly. Thanks, Garrett. That's kind of cool.

I have an assignment for you, Garrett. I want you to find a family circus to defend. I think it's a nice assignment. There you go. I want you to like, just like you defended this haggar, I want you, and see, by the way, I'm open to it. I'm not trying to shame you. Like if you find one that's fun, I remember one week, I didn't get the family circus, and it actually wasn't that bad of a joke. And I think that's why I missed it.

It made no sense to me. I started to tear it apart. Greg corrected me and said, no, I think this is what they meant. And it was actually better, you know, and that's why I missed it because I'm not looking for something funny there. And then the other thing is for a fact, there is implied rape in some of the haggers. It's just a fact. As there is today. And Greg, Garrett Popple, pay attention because wait till you see today's.

And speaking to which, maybe the reason why Garrett is a little bit crusty is that his last name is Popple. and there's no doubt his nickname is Pop and that's got to fucking suck What's up Pop? You don't like Pop? It sounds like an old man That's what I used to call my grandfather I called my grandfather Pop

All right Okay What'd you call your grandparents Um It's the David Tel joke There was Grandpa alive Yeah No my both of my grandparents

Died Both my grandfathers died when I was four or something. Oh, I'm sorry. I had one. I know about the lunatic who was born in Ireland and actually then was in jail in Ireland. And he picked the more rebel side against the British. That's your mom's dad?

No, my dad's dad. Really? Who moved to the bra. Oh, yeah. So he went to jail with tons of other Irish who thought the Irish were selling out in the peace talks with England. And he was like, there's no fucking way we're accepting that. And Ireland did.

And they went to jail for various reasons. And then when they were let out, as my dad tells me, the writing was so clear on the wall, a little bit like Afghanistan, the writing was so clear on the wall like, it's, you better leave. Like in other words, the Irish that you screamed that you hated. and we're whores and we're selling out. That is the new normal. That is the new agreement with England.

And they know who, you know, they'll remember you. Right. On a boat to America. Anyway, that lunatic then, my mother, when I was beginning, I guess, at one years old, where was like outlawed, I was not allowed to be a passenger in his car. he would sometimes push cars if he felt they weren't doing the right thing in traffic in the Bronx with those, you know, those giant metal cars that everybody had. So anyway, he was like, I guess, a rageaholic behind the wheel.

Wow. And I wasn't allowed in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. My grandfather, who was also from Ireland, who was in the IRA before he left Ireland, he was a teenager. When he was like 14, 15 years old, he was running messages for the United. the IRA. Wow. Yeah, and then he left and he came to the States when he was 16 years old. And he

started working. He got a job at Con Ed and he worked for Con Edison. Is this Florence? This is Florence. I love it. Okay, so sorry, Con Ed. So he worked for Con Ed, the electric company for his entire life back when you had a job for your life. And so he used to drive these big trucks. And then meanwhile, he had a he had like a little Chevy Nova. And, and he had a little Chevy Nova. And he used to drive it. He didn't understand when he was on the highway. He'd come up to visit us that cars were not going to get out of his way in a Chevy Nova the way they would in a Con Edison truck. And he used to just run people off the road with this fucking Chevy Nova.

It was hysterical. All right. Tell your Florence joke. Well, his name really was Florence. Yes. And when he moved to the Bronx and like whatever it was, probably like 1920, they used to beat him up because his name was Florence. Yeah. And so he switched his name to Frank.

and then one Christmas right before he died he made a big announcement he goes I'm switching me name back to Florence and we beat the shit out of him because it's a dumb name and he was old and weak and it was easy but actually

100% true story switched it to Frank and then switched it back to Florence when he got old I'm switching me name back to Garrett Popple Oh Popp Speaking of fucking laughing out loud. Mike and I will be at the Sacramento Punchline

on September 18th doing a live taping of Sunday papers from the stage of the punchline. Oh my God, that reminds me. Hold on. Go ahead, keep going. And I'll be there that whole weekend, September 16th through 18 at the Sack Punchline. I will then be at the Mohegan Sun

Comics Comedy Club in Connecticut on September 23rd through the 25th. San Francisco Punchline, November 4th. fourth through the six. And then also I got dates coming up in Boston and Portland. So go to Fitzdog.com for all tickets. I totally spaced. So this comedian I know, Kelly Price, I wrote with her actually on George Lopez, who I mentioned earlier. She's really funny, constantly on the road with Italian and all that. I think she's in. Hold on. I totally spaced because she wrote me in

Instagram. And so that's why I spaced. So she's going to a feature for you that weekend. Oh, that's amazing. And she's a local, and she's pitching that we maybe have her, like, for a, maybe a Sacramento man, like, segment of our podcast or something like that. She's like there's no shortage. It's like Sacramento's the Florida of California. Oh, is that right? So we'll look into it, but oh, my God, Kelly, so I have to write, I didn't even write her back. I'm so bad at that, but it was in the DMs, I guess, of Instagram. I never even check my, I I never check my DMs. No, I know.

I don't do that, really. So that's why I totally spaced. But hopefully she's listening. And she's so funny. So she'll be there, which is great. So that's Sacramento. And then I'm thinking of driving up. So you're going to drive up and then you're going to camp on your way back?

Then I think I'm going to camp, you know, September. All the parks are on fire right now. It'll keep me a little warmer. No, but I'll hop in. I mean, Yosemite's right there. How can I go to, I've never been to Sacramento, by the way. So it'll be interesting. But yeah, I got to pop in on the way down through the Cierras.

And September is like, unless you have really warm stuff, depending on your elevation, end of September is it. It gets cold. I mean, unless you're winter camping, it gets really cold. All right. Sacramento. So, all right, let's talk about today's podcast. Look, we're all adults here.

I don't know. Sometimes nicotine is something that people want in their lives to relax or focus or unwind. I don't know. I don't really use nicotine, but I used to. I used to chew red man. What? Chewing tobacco. Yeah, I used to paint houses with Dudley and Porter, and we would be outside all day,

and I would have a big cheekful of red man chew, and I'd spit all over the house I was painting. You've already won. This is the whitest story of the podcast today, for sure. Those names and the chewing? And I think it's dangerous, and, you know, if I were painting today, I would get myself some slim nicotine pouches where there's no tobacco at all. But you can still get one of three strengths, four, eight or 12 milligrams. They include coconut oil and gum base and they give you a nice little texture and it keeps you going. Spearmint, mango, cool cider are the flavors that

they come in. Yep. You know what's great? They still come in the same tin so you can still get that outline in your jeans pocket from carrying the tin around. Right. No tobacco. No tobacco. That's the best part. That's pretty amazing. Yeah. So if you want to switch over from smoking or chewing something to this, I think it's a great idea. Why isn't someone done this before? They probably have, but they didn't sponsor us, so we never talked about it.

Once they sponsors, we get really into talking about it. It's weird how that works. Go to lucy.com, CO, and use promo code papers. Get 20% off your order of Lucy Slim Pouch. Is there any other Lucy products? That's Lucy.com. Use promo code papers at checkout. Also, I have to give this disclaimer, warning.

This product contains non-tobacco nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Okay, lucy.com. Be sure to use that promo code papers. You know what? Before we start here, everything's becoming, you know, with science, everything they're, you know, reducing it to the, you know, like they've taken the nicotine out of tobacco, I guess.

Anyway, they've gotten nicotine without tobacco. Do you think they'll ever be an alcohol pill? That's an outrageously good question. In other words, like, I'm coming home from work. Well, boy, people would take it while driving. But it's like I'm coming home from work. I'm on the train. I don't really want to ingest, you know, remember Grand Central would sell the 32-ounce

fosters. Oh, yeah. They had a name for the can. they were, but like, I mean, this is what I loved about New York. Forget that it's alcohol. It's just they knew people were busy. They knew people were in a rush. Kind of like, Dodger Stadium is the same thing.

Like, what don't you get? What's with your 45-minute beer line? Anyway, you would be going your commute. There was countless guys with carts with tons of beer on ice for everybody's commute home at a Grand Central up to Westchester, Connecticut, and all over the place. anyway, it's like, all right, but I can take a pill that would have the same effect as that giant can of fosters. And you wouldn't have it on your breath and you wouldn't put on the pounds, the calories.

You wouldn't have a giant belly, right? You wouldn't be gassy. I think you might have stumbled on to something, like. Yeah, all right. How do you look into it? All right, I'm going to look into it, guys. I mean, we're Irish. We are the original bootleggers.

Maybe you can come up with some kind of a pill. Yeah, it would be easy. I'm trying to think of all the pluses and minuses. I mean, the amount of THC that's being ingested now rather than being smoked, I would say more people are eating pot than smoking it at this point. I think in L.A., you're right. Put it this way, so many are that there's a little bit of a backlash. Like, joints have definitely made a comeback.

Like if you look at all the ease, amuse, if you look at all the delivery sites, there are a lot more joints on there, pre-roll. It's retro. It's like having pubicare again. Oh, all right. I guess that could be what it is. The only thing with the alcohol pill, it's hard to roofie. Front page.

We are back to our, and keep in mind, the newspaper, this is August 1st newspaper. That's how topical we are. And by the way, I didn't see this. I want to read this. Did you read this? This is the front page of the Arts and Leisure section, New York Times from August 1st. This is not part of our show. but Ted Lasso's world, not David Brent's.

Ricky Jervaises the office broke ground 20 years ago. Now TV embraces sincerity. Yeah, I don't know if I'm on board with the Ted Lassow thing. I watched the first few episodes and now I just got the screeners for the rest. So I'm going to watch the rest now. Did you get them digitally? I think you can download them somehow, but we got the discs. We'll just watch it on the disc.

Oh, maybe that's what? They're telling me I have a delivery. I'm like, I didn't order anything. Maybe that's what's going on. I think that sincerity moment lasted about a week. Yeah, I'm not into sincerity. Front page, be sincere about this. All right, this is a follow-up to a story we did about a year ago.

Yeah. A Grand Haven couple has been ordered to pay $45,000 after disposing of their son's pornography collection. This is great. David Working, like Working one out, 43, sued his parents after they threw away with a judge called a trove of pornography and an array of sex toys. I like the vocabulary. Those are quotes. Yeah.

Because a trove, I mean, Dave Attell has a trove of pornography. I don't know if he still has it. So much that he made a fucking show called Dave's old porn. Also, Trove is rarely used without treasure preceding it. Yes. Yes. And an array usually applies. to flowers, fruits, colors.

An edible arrangement? Yeah. So Maloney, the judge said the defense hired expert, the defense hired expert in pornography valuation, Dr. Victoria Hartman. Okay, I got to get to know Dr. Hartman. Yeah, I need some backstory on Hartman. I need to know the criteria. I need to know how she places value on this.

All right, go ahead. I want to know if she's hot. determined the destroyed collection value to be $30,000. She could not provide a value for 107 titles on the Sun's list. So there were some titles, Black Bun Cruisers and such, that you maybe you can't put a price on? No, I mean, double anal annies, it's priceless. Good luck, Dr. Hartman, putting a value on that. You think on Golden Blonde can possibly have...

Just that pun alone is priceless. But by the way, 30,000, I know you're not done with the story, but $30,500 or $30,500 is considering almost all of porn is available for free somewhere online. Yes. That's amazing. They can be replaced with five fucking keystrokes. All right, I'm going to give you, Mike, I'll give you a movie title. Let's play a game. All right.

I give you a movie title. You give me the porn title. Do we plan this? Did you write? No. People should know. I just thought this to be fun off the top of our heads. Well, we'll see about that. All right.

Okay. Saving Ryan's privates. There you go. No, come on. That's easy. All right. Hey, wait. We have a lot of comedy fans listening to this.

Some are just very literal, like the guy wrote a letter earlier about Hager. But there was a lesson I'll never forget that I learned myself the hard way. I wrote a spec script once and was for Just Shoot Me with Dave. David Spade, who I didn't know it all. And then eventually I was working with the guy and he's amazing. But I had a spec script and I made a decision. There was an opportunity to put in these jokes, the hackneyed porn titles. And actually saving Ryan's privates, that was in the theater, which will date this.

That was in the theater at the time or just coming out. And my rationale, I put it in there. I didn't feel good about it. And I was like, you know, this is hack. But a couple of things like affected my decision to leave it in, which I did and I regret, was Spade could be kind of meta and say something hacky in a funny way. So there was that. And I did it.

His character said it. But I made the fatal mistake of I said, okay, it's hacky to me. But agents don't know what the fuck funny is. and this is really for an agent and other managers to read. I'm trying to get a job. That's sorry, that's what a spec script is. It's a sample script I'm writing to be judged by this town in hopefully getting work. And don't make that mistake.

If you don't like it, don't put that. If the joke is beneath you, don't put it in there. And by the way, agents do see a lot of really funny writers. And the writer before you might have been a lot funnier who they're reading his spec script. So anyway, I just thought that I know we get a lot of letters where they love when we talk about, you know, kind of behind the scenes in Hollywood and stuff. So that's a regret I have, and that was saving Ryan's privates. All right, let's do it for the, I'm on Rotten Tomato's best movies of all time.

I'll give you some titles and you give me the, uh, uh, okay. Citizen Kane. Yeah, Citizen, uh, bang. No, what would it be? Citizen Pain. It's all anal. The whole movie's anal. All right, you need a subtitle for that to work.

Yeah. All right. Let's see. Toy Story. Double anal 13. That were... The Godfather. Toy Story.

It has toy right in it. Yeah, I know. That's all it needs to be. Yeah. The Godfather? The stepmother. But no one's going to... I guess if the stepmother is...

like patting a pussy. There we go. On the cover, like that's the artwork, maybe. All right. I should be faster. Something with father, right? Godfather figure, Godfather. I don't know.

A star is born. I don't know. All of a sudden I'm thinking of anus is. A star in porn. I mean, isn't it right there? Star in porn. There it is. Yeah. Star is, I don't know.

God, I should be so much better at this. Sorry, I apologize. Singing in the rain. Yeah, felching in the rain. It doesn't quite have the ring to it and it doesn't rhyme. Anyway, let's... Jizzing in Elaine. Singing in Uranus? Stinging in Uranus?

Stinging in the pain? Stinging in the pain. Send us. Yes, yours, folks. Go to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com, and we'll read your porn titles next week. Conalinging in the drain? I don't know. Let's change subjects.

Oh, hold on. Do we do? When do I do the paper? It's been so long. We're still... Oh, wait. Here's Dr. Victoria. Dr. Victoria Hartman.

What about her? Look, I think Chris put in some info. Oh. Holy shit. Wow. She's the executive director of the Erotic Heritage Museum, among other things. She holds a PhD in human sexuality with an emphasis on clinical sexology, as well as a master in public health. Her primary focus is in forensic sexology and the preservation of erotic artifacts, including the archiving of sexually explicit films.

Doctor, doctor. Huh. So you see her opposing with her. that gentleman there? Yeah, she's got a dildo in her hand. I thought it was a like a rolling pin from the kitchen. What is that thing? It's a big dildo. It's a really big

dildo. I guess we have to put that up. Don't forget to put that up, uh, I guess. You don't want a you don't want a big dildo for your wife that has like triple D batteries in it. Good luck getting any satisfaction out of your wife when she's been putting a fucking 69 Cadillac in her pussy all week.

Get her the lamest, like, number two pencil-sized vibrator. So far, we've had a totally clean podcast. I don't know why you're making it so sexually explicit now. Do you know that we get that YouTube bans us every week? They don't ban us, but they pull the advertising off. Or they don't give us the money for the advertising because we talk dirty. Do they keep it? I don't know what happens to the money because they run it.

ads on the podcast and then they don't give it to us because we're dirty. It's like we're children. Well, it's like they're thieves if they keep the money. Yeah. I mean, I'm assuming they're still running ads on the show, but we used to get money for it and then every single week they flag us. I wonder if they pull our money if I call them thieves. Whoops. Right. All right. Next story. It's not a section though. Keep going. So. Oh, boy. This is a loaded issue. This is loaded. The rise in people using Ivermectin. You sure you want to go down this road?

Are you saying because of Rogan? It's a sensitive podcast issue in a way. Well, this anti-parasitic drug usually reserved for deworming horses or livestock as a treatment or preventative for COVID-19 has emergency rooms, quote, so backed up that gunshot victims were having a hard time. getting access to health facilities, an emergency room doctor in Oklahoma said. So I guess people are ODing on this stuff. It sounds like people are also trying to treat their COVID by shooting themselves? Is that what I'm reading?

I think we're talking about Oklahoma. That's just Saturday night in Oklahoma. I think I got the COVID cornered in my ankle. Let me shoot it. Yeah. So, you know, as people know, Rogan. took this allegedly. I didn't read the article.

Somebody just mentioned that to me. I would say, no, no, well, all right. I'm hoping, you're right, let's say allegedly, but I read it everywhere. That would mean all those people didn't fact check. Oh, he said it. Chris is saying he said it in Instagram Live. Yes, he made a post.

He did say it, so maybe it's still allegedly because he doesn't know what he's talking about. No, he took it. Yeah, so he took it. And, you know, this is the, all right, go ahead. I want to talk about Rogan. Well, you know, full disclosure, Rogan's one of my closest friends. And he's a guy that I think is misunderstood in the sense that he never sought out to be, you know, he's not the fucking president's spokesperson. He's not a scientist. He's a comedian who tells dick jokes and has opinions that sometimes range from, you know, you know,

you know, conspiracy theories. I mean, there was a while there. He believed that we hadn't landed on the moon, as I also believed we didn't land on the moon. Now I do believe we did. So you for a while thought that the moon landing was a scam? Yes, I did. You did?

I didn't smoke pot for like 20 years. No, 15 years. I didn't drink or smoke pot at all. And then I started smoking a little bit of pot. when I turned 40. And the night that it happened, I was at my friend Ross Broccoli's farm in Lincoln, Nebraska. Ross Broccoli is an American treasure.

He's an American treasure. He's a huge conspiracy theorist. He's off the rails. But he got me high, and then he started showing me YouTube videos of the moon landing. And, you know, the flag blowing in the wind, and there's no wind on the moon. And the spin as the...

I've heard it all. I've heard it all. Okay. Do you know about his space suit has like the material being pulled? No. No. I guess I didn't know that part. No. Anyway, he showed me so much stuff that I was fully convinced that they staged.

Now, this isn't to say they didn't land on the moon, but that some of this footage was shot by Stanley Kubrick. It seemed like. Right. You know then. I mean, why was Marlon Brando on the moon? That is a little weird. Or that woman painting her pussy. in the godmother.

So, uh, okay. But I, I since believe that we have landed on the mood and that that footage is correct. But like Joe, there was a period where I didn't believe it.

So there's the thing. I like Joe because, uh, I heard he said I was funny once. So it's hard for me to criticize them. But I'm actually not criticizing him when I, when I, when I,

when I, when I see a lot of clips, and I know people are going to have a lot to say about, you know, all the times he's wrong, I guess. But I actually see a very, very curious mind at work who is really inviting, you know, critics to change his mind. Like when I see him have doctors on and scientists on, I think Joe loves more than anything, his mind being blown and this scientist changing his mind.

And I know that can be fertile ground for conspirators. conspiracy theorist to also come in like you were with evidence and try to change Joe's mind about like we didn't land on the moon, for example, whatever. But I am wondering when I see this story, and I'm wondering when I hear that Joe Rogan has taken Ivermectin, what does he know? Because he has some of the smartest people in the world sitting across from him at times. Yeah. I know he has a lot of jackasses that sit across from him also. Yeah. But I'm wondering what he knows. He knows. about Ivermectin. I also know the medical community thinks he's wrong, no matter what he knows.

So I think it's an interesting issue. Yeah, I mean, I think he's a guy that I texted him this week just to say, I hope you're feeling better. And then he wrote, yeah, I'm throwing everything at this. So I think that's his kind of philosophy is like, you know, whatever it takes that could work I'm going to use. Except a mask. Yeah.

No, no, but I'm actually wondering. he's throwing everything at it. Is he vaccinated? I have no idea. Wasn't he famously, do I have this wrong? Was he famously not vaccinated? No, he made a comment once that if he was a young man, he doesn't think he would get vaccinated

or he doesn't think you need to. And I think he stepped that back later. Okay. Chris says he's talked about not being vaccinated. All right, we don't know, so I'm not saying anything definitively. And I don't know

what his stand is on mass, but I guess I would hope if throwing everything at it, uh, that's the cure. I guess he wasn't throwing everything at being preventative if you weren't doing those things. Right. Well, he tested all of his, all of his guests, including me, when you go on the show, you get tested right before you go on. And, um, you know, I do know how really is about the disease because I think I may have been mentioned this last week early on. I mean so early in this COVID thing. He had that amazing scientist on from Minnesota. Minnesota, you can Google it. I'm not going to have the guy's name, but it's the infectious disease lab or whatever it is in Minnesota. It's at the college. And this guy's

an expert in pandemics. And man, I am, like, let's say that was, I don't even know, February or January, that dude laid it out and it's exactly how it happened. Yeah. At that point, he was already talking about Thanksgiving in America. Really? Yes. And so all of a sudden, Michael Osterholm, I was, and he was on March 10th, Chris is writing this in there.

I am telling you, go back and watch that. And Joe's not doubting any of it. Like, he's so appreciating this guy's, you know, wisdom and expertise. and I became the naysayer in my family saying, no, no, it's going to be between 500,000 and a million deaths. Oh, my God, I was ridiculed in my family. Yeah. Ridiculed.

That's normal, though, isn't it? I know, but I just want to get my foot back in the door. And then I drop a truth bomb, and the door just shuts on my foot. Yep. Arizona, a father, barged into his elementary school kids' principals office. office to protest a mask requirement. He's been arrested. Rishim Ramboran 40 stormed into principal Diane Vargo's office on Thursday with zip tie handcuffs. All right. To a since removed Instagram videos. He had two friends accompany him, and they

claim that the school broke the law when administrative officials told his kid to wear a mask and quarantine after potential exposure to COVID-19. Let me tell you something. We have become a vigilante society. And this is going to be so much fun. I've always wanted to take the law into my own hands. Now I can go to Texas and do it. I can do it in Arizona. I'm getting some fucking zip ties.

I'm getting a stun gun. I mean, why have laws? Why should we live by laws? We people in camouflage can live by their own rules. You just need camouflage and boots. And you can do it. And first of all, they don't need financial incentive. Like getting back to that Texas thing, vigilantes are just waiting for an opportunity to act.

Right. And now Texas and very soon, Florida, and I'm sure Arizona, are going to incentivize these people. Yep. Financially incentivize them. I mean, we love as a culture, we've always loved, you know, dirty Harry movies, you know, What are the ones that Charles Bronson used to do? Oh, yeah, of course. Death Wish was a death wish.

We love vigilantes. We loved the guy on the subway in New York who shot somebody. Gets. Yeah, Bernard Gets. Then we found out that he was racist and it maybe wasn't so good. He was the biggest hero for a while. He was a hero. New York Post readers fucking loved that guy because it was so much crime on the subways.

But guess what? He turned out to be a fucking homicidal racist. And so he also may have shot a little early. Literally earlier. It wasn't like the last resort. No. It was like, sir, do you want to buy a Snickers bar to support my high school basketball team? That's a scam.

Well, he's my hero if he did that. All right. Yeah. So, I don't know. I think we all want to be vigilantes. We all want to cheer for the vigilante because we feel like the system protects the criminal too often. But the principal of your kid's school who is telling your child that he's been,

that he has to quarantine because he's been exposed. That's not, that's not a, that's not a fucking criminal. Right. There's also other ways to act up because, listen, in being fair minded for a second, let's say Trump won, right? And Trump's in office. And let's say, like, you know, he just, the Supreme Court's fully loaded, you know, to the right. And let's say they pass stuff that is outrageous in a left-leaning person's mind, right?

So let's say me. I want to tear the whole system down. I believe there's a capital J justice out there that's not being served by the lowercase J justice that is put into law. Yeah. So kind of like MLK, I'm not comparing myself, but I'm like that concept of if you be believe a law is wrong, you should be willing to go to jail. In other words, you should make a say, there are, and that's what we'll be doing, there are correct ways to do it. You don't go into your school's principal with zip ties. That's not what you do. Yeah. All right, this is a comedy podcast.

All right, what are we doing? Let's talk about local news. Local news. News segment. Okay. So I signed up for. for the next door app, right? The next door app is famous, and it's basically, what it's come down to is you see, like, a lot of Karen's on there screaming about, like, and it gets very racist, very fast. Like, did anybody see that non-white gentleman

walking around our block last night? Oh, yeah, no, that's all it is. And as a matter of fact, I talked to my friend Owen Smith last night is a great comic and a great writer, and his wife, and they're black. And we were hanging out last night. Owen Smith is black? Okay.

Yeah. And he was telling me. about his wife wrote a piece about how the next door neighbor apps they live in I'm not going to say where they live but they live in a nice community when I said god that was racist they live in a predominantly white neighborhood Jesus I got to check my fucking privilege there Mike yeah they live in an upity neighborhood I mean up and coming neighborhood and so so she wrote a piece about it and it got picked up in like the Washington Post Oh wow

places because but to their credit the next door neighbor app reached out to her and they talked about how they could make the app come off as less racist Wow yeah

so I signed up for the next door app I signed up for it during Black Lives Matter because they actually would post where like protests were happening and it was very informative about what was going on. Keep in mind, everything was also shut down at that time.

And so anyway, I signed up for it. I was very late. There was already a very funny, I think, Twitter account called, like, the best of next door or something like that. I love it. I mean, where you will see on there, there's typical things like, did anybody notice that, like,

the Anderson's garage was open last night? Like, you know, and it's all, it's so funny. Anyway, I love this. So I go on. This is all true. this is from August 27th. Okay, this is the last Friday. The reason I go on is I kind of once in a while I'll get an email like this is on next door right now, right?

So I saw this. Here it is. It's from this woman named Lisa. I'm so upset. And then there's a crying cat emoji. Okay. So already I'm so in. I'm so upset.

I'm shaking. I don't know if this is the right platform to post this, but I need help finding a support group. I was just informed that my long-term, sorry, long-time husband has been cheating on me with a coworker or coworker's sister. I'm in shock. I never thought he would do such a thing to me.

I'm out of loss for words. I won't see him tonight or allow him back in my life. What a sleazy SOB. Sadly, I kind of had a gut feeling, but I am very naive. I'm crying now. Hope he gets genital warts. Okay. So first of all, I mean, she really has no resources in her life.

She's right. I don't know if this is the right platform for a post like this. In other words, like, it's just her talking to her cats. Like, who do I turn to? Daddy cheated on me. Guys? Like, okay, I guess I go on the next door app. Okay.

So. And also, keep in mind, when you post on the next door. next door app. It puts your address out. Like, it identifies who you are on the app. Does it? I know it's it pinpointed your exact neighborhood and all that, maybe. So,

to my surprise, there was an outpouring of love. So Sherry's like, so Lisa, today was your blessed day that the universe handed you the dirty truth, and now you can leave him, heal your wounds and move on to something better. Jennifer says,

you will be much... By the way, I've got an Ottoman in the garage. if you want it to cheer you up to sit on it a little bit. And did anyone notice that Mexican landscaping truck? It doesn't look legitimate. Jennifer says, you will be much better without him. It might not feel like that at this moment,

but it's all God's plan. I pray for you. Then another post says, he will get genital warts. Yes, he will. Because it's God's plan. God is going to plant some fucking warts on his balls. Okay.

By the way, genital warts, do they go in your shaft? Do they go on your balls? They can go anywhere, man. They're warts. Jesus. So anyway, the reason I did this is there is a nicely crafted, like I've put these, you know, I've read these comments on our, so then it gets back on track. I'm sorry this happened.

It happened to me. I kicked him out, served them with divorce papers, and got full custody of my daughter. Get a lawyer ASAP and change your locks. and passcodes to your bank accounts. Teresa says, you need to file legal separation immediately. You will be responsible for any expenses he makes until that separation is filed. Who knows what luxury items he's buying for her. And then check the safe deposit box if it is joint.

So all of a sudden this advice is pouring in, right? Karen, of course it's Karen, says, first, I would take management and control of every asset. As a wife in a community property state, you can manage and control everything. And you should get control of finances, get control of finances before he does. I had a friend who you know as well. He's in the entertainment industry. And he had a drinking problem. And he got all fucked up.

Maybe some coke was involved. And he just decided to fly to Vegas on a bender. And so he gets to Vegas. and he's staying in the four seasons. He has a lot of money. And he's gambling and he's drinking. And then he goes to the ATM machine to get some money out.

Card declined. And then he goes to his room and there's a message from the front desk that he has to get out of his room that the charges are declined. His credit card has been declined. And he can't get a meal. Like none of his credit cards work.

He's got no fucking cash. His wife fucking shut him. Because she's a super, high operator in the entertainment industry. All right. And she knows how to fuck people over. And she fucking wired him enough money for a plane ticket back. And that's all he had.

He had the peanuts and the seven up on the flight to get home. That was it. My ATM cards used. It won't even cut my cocaine on this mirror. Dude, he quit drinking after that. He's been sober now for like five years. Okay. So Lois, top priority is to move any money to a new account,

ASAP. Change the locks on your residence also and get a lawyer right away. Make sure you know how your household bills are set up. Your name or his credit card should also be closed down or changed immediately so he can't charge up a fortune on your card. Cry later, but take action now. Okay. Then, Melinda, isn't he going to see this? I died. I died. It's, you know, it's all in the comments and all this, all this advice on what to do with his assets, which are half his, and all of isn't he going to see this? Okay. Then new direction.

And do the exact same thing to you before you have a chance to do it. Right. Right. He's reading this advice too. And then that was enough for me. I would have read this today if that was it. Then New Direction. Then Bradley comes on.

That's terrible. Was the girl he cheated with younger than you? What does she look like? Is your husband good looking or is he a fat pig? You have to know the reasons why he cheated. to fix the problem. Men usually don't cheat just to cheat. They cheat because there's something missing.

So here comes, uh, joy. Joy chimes in. Wait, so what is this guy saying? So he's trying, is he trying to say it's your fault? Hold on. Here comes Joy. Bradley, you completely blame the victim. She doesn't need to fix anything.

It's not up here to find out what he did. It's his fault for doing it, period. Janet. Bradley, men cheat because they can't. If her husband was dissatisfied with the relationship, he could have separated suggesting going to counseling or filed for divorce. And then David, what the... This is the best. So this is the last one I'll read.

This is the best. David then chimes in. Bradley, what the fuck, dude? Seriously, what a bunch of idiotic criteria. Wait, dot, dot, dot. Are you the husband? That's the greatest. I couldn't believe it.

I want, where are you when I'm trying to fill a writer's room? This is the greatest, this is the greatest writing ever. That he thinks Bradley like, well, wait a minute, was she getting a little out of shame? Wait a minute. Did she think Fallatio was only premarital? Did she not give him a loan time when he got back from the office? Did she take the big piece of chicken at dinner? Oh, my God. So thank you next door happened.

Thank you, everyone that's so on there. Also, who are these people that are waiting to read these stories and then like, oh, my God. All right. New section. Here we go. Entertainment. Here's the entertainment section. There it is.

We don't seem to have any entertainment stories. That would normally... No, we don't need them. Fall on you. I want to hear... Oh, I want to hear season two of Dave. All right. So I did it.

It was one of these things that we talked about on the golf course yesterday. I said I saw season two. Let's wait for the podcast to talk about it. It's everything you said it would be. I thought it was more dramatic than the first season. It still had a ton of, like, there are belly laughs on the show. There are outright belly laughs. And Santino is responsible for most of them.

Wow. Look at that. He is so fucking good. Yeah. I mean, he just has just a great rhythm. He has great timing. He can transition from dramatic to comedic without ever losing what it is that makes him unique. I think he's going to be a big star.

It's also, the more I get to know him now, it's also not him. Santino is lightning quick, which doesn't allow him to be that vulnerable sometimes because he's so fast and on guard and very. very, you know, very sort of he can really tear things apart, right? So this, though, is not that type of person that he's playing. Well, it's much more like his stand-up. His stand-up is that voice. Okay. Yeah, he's pretty close to what he does on stage. Okay, I was trying to say the Santino had range. I guess you're saying you're sticking to your guns. He has not, he has no range. Okay. But I thought the season was great. You talked about the season finale being great. I thought,

and there's 10 episodes. I thought episode nine was the one that stole the season. Well, not know. The one where he goes off to see Rubin. What's his name? Oh, I don't know if you've been listening. That's the one I'm predicting wins the Emmy Award. Oh, I thought you were talking about the final episode.

Yeah, no, that episode nine is, it's art. It's absolutely art. It is. It's great. And the fact that they, I don't want to spoil alert it. But just to say that, his acting, and I don't know this guy, Little Dickie, my son does. My son was already a fan of his rapping before the show ever came out. As a matter of fact, he lives on the West Side, and Owen has

seen him twice out in, like, you know, coffee shops. Yeah. But he is a really good actor. He plays a different kind of character. He plays another version of himself. He plays another role in this. Yeah. And he plays it in a way you go like. Yeah. And then. And then, And I also, I love the guy from high maintenance. You ever see that series High Maintenance on HBO? Okay. I turned you on to High Maintenance. That's all I raved about.

All right. Oh, the listeners right now must be driving off the road. So, so they, he, the guy who is from that show, how great was he in that? Fucking Nails it. Fucking Nails it. So good. Yeah.

Yeah. And, God, there's such a funny line. that he says, he's like, and what happened is Dave interrupts him and says, thank you. And he's like, and he wasn't finished with his sentence, which wasn't complimentary at all. I won't remember the exact thing.

But that line is in there. It's so funny. Yeah. And it's, I mean, the cinematography, the way it's shot is fucking beautiful. They spent some money on that episode. Big time. I actually zoomed with,

for a meeting with the director of that episode, just coincidentally, last week, Catow, K-I-T-A-O, Japanese-born American guy now. And I even like, I even specifically, you know, because I got to watch how effusive I was. But like even though, like when he's walking with the remote control car, I'm giving nothing away here. But when he's walking with the remote following the remote control car by the pool, that pan, that trucking shot behind the like Shays lounges. Like I just never mind the world, the Kubrick like world he created.

It's great. Yeah. Oh, I'm glad. I thought you were, because I definitely overbuilt it. But it's one of those things where it's like I want people to watch it. So I tend to hype it, but I think it delivers even on my hype. I do. And I mean, somebody wrote in saying that he's unlikable and that the characters are unlikable.

Absolutely. So were a lot of shows. But he pulls it off. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard to write someone off as unlike him. when they're that vulnerable and aware of their flaws and they talk about it. Well, it's like, you know, they're talking about the Sopranos movie, and somebody said in their review that the son has the same thing,

because, you know, Gandalfini's son is playing him in this prequel. Oh, yeah. And that he has the same sad vulnerability was the way they described it that Gandalfini had. And there's a reason why the Sopranos introduced. a new kind of drama with the real anti-hero that's been, you know, that Breaking Bad followed suit with and a lot of other shows. And it's that if it's, if that character is vulnerable enough, you can still pull for them. And it's really, it's, this guy captures that as well. Dude, one of my lasting images, uh, from the Sopranos and there could be a lot.

I mean, if, if you have not watched the Sopranos and you're listening to this, like just put it pretty high in your to-do list. My daughter is almost done with the final episode right now. And it's hard to get into because there's been a lot of great TV since, and most of it owes a huge debt to the Sopranos. But one of the images, and it can be from any episode and any season, is like when he would sit there, like mouth breathing and his eyes are just like, and he's like, why they're watching the Western, you know, they would have them like watching Westerns on TV, eating

ice cream. him just sitting and he's thinking usually came towards the end of an episode thinking about maybe where he is what happened and what does that mean to him in his life now and like he would just sit on the couch and it was like a gorilla he was like this like gorilla just sitting there with blank eyes mouth breathing and you could see like you know the activity in his head like what you know what he's thinking about just watching him eat a bowl of pasta was acting He didn't just eat that bowl of pasta. The way his eyes moved and the way he, like he said, his breathing was part of his acting.

Totally. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder like if he got congested, like, you know, on purpose, kind of like. No, no. Mike. He was doing cocaine the entire time. He was.

He had a cocaine issue. Are you serious? Oh, yeah. It's pretty well documented. Yeah. I don't know. You could sit there with dead eyes like that on when you're, wired. He would show up to set like after an all-night bender. I heard this from somebody who

worked on the show. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, he had a real problem. All right. I don't know if we needed to bring that. I get the truth. I guess we're about the truth. I get sued for liable. I allegedly had a problem. I went back and watched Sama Penn 15 because Oh, I love that show. Because it's nominated and for an Emmys and stuff. It's, I have I haven't seen the animated one yet. Have you seen the animated one? No need. Well, the animated one probably because of COVID and I want to see it. So that's one of the other. Anyway, all right. So I watched, I started watching nine perfect strangers.

Ugh. You haven't seen it. I saw it. Ugh. I don't know why there's not a dwarf at the beginning saying the plane, the plane. Right, right. Because that's exactly what this show is. Yes.

It's Fantasy Island. It's Fantasy Island and it has the same rigid structure where here's the beginning. Let's show first character. What's their backstory? What do they want? What's their conflict? Cut to next character. Let's track their.

It's like watching a writer write out the backstories of each one. There's no, it's so linear. It's so boring. The actors feel like they're all being directed by different people. because they, it's terrible. And it's so desperately trying to be big little lies or whatever.

It's the same, you know, it's, what's his, no, not David Chase. David, Kelly. David, E. Kelly. It's, I mean, I think they hired the same musicians, the same direct, like, it's, and it's the same actress.

It's such the same feel of these, like, ocean shots. It's like trying to just lean into that sort. And, of course, like, the way there. You're talking about when they developed the first introduced the carators in the middle of nowhere. Oh, someone's pulled over on the side of the road. Someone else pulls over. Conflict. I wonder if he's going to be at your destination. Yeah. And then Nicole Kidman's accent, I laughed so hard when she first opened her mouth with that weird fucking Melania Trump meets Charo. It was the weirdest fucking accent. It was so contrived. And the way they panned in on her and she made this fucking graceful

entrance and then opens her mouth and spews that shit. I was laughing my ass off. I was like, next. I'm still going to watch it. With all this set, I'm still going to watch it. I think that's the thing about it. I think it's campy. I think people are going to watch it to see how bad it is. No, but there's a seductive quality about it. It's the same thing with I wound up hating it. But the Nicole Kidman in New York. city where the, you know, the mistress was killed. Oh, I like that. Oh, you could not have liked the last episode, the ending.

Didn't like the last episode. I liked the series. No, but it had you guessing like crazy who did it and very unsatisfying. Let's just say that. Yeah, yeah. All right, are we moving on with more news? It's time to do Florida, man. My Gibbon's favorite part of the news.

It's not my favorite part of the news. In fact, I'm pitching for a while we switch it up and do Texas man. So we have a Texas man also. Let's do both this week and then let the people decide. Okay, here's the Florida man I found. I rewrote it a little. I mean, I didn't change anything. I just reordered it.

An aerial banner flown by a plane over a beach in Florida raised concern regarding hate speech. But it turns out the banner wasn't meant to be hate speech or a joke. It was a marriage proposal. to a woman people are guessing is named Judith or Julia. So this airplane flew a banner over the ocean so all the beach goers and everybody near the beach could read it. And the banner simply read, Jew, I have a question. J-E-W.

I have a question. Dot, dot, dot, dot. A representative of aerial banners, who are the company that flew the banner, said, the guy said he didn't realize the banner could be, read as offensive until he got a call from the local branch of the anti-defamation league. So everyone started, and it was on Twitter, and everyone started going crazy thinking that this was anti-Semitic.

And it turned out, this was the way this guy chose to propose to Judith or Julia. Now, I don't know if he approved the J-E-W spelling. I don't know how else you would say. if he calls her, first of all, is he his nickname for his now-fiancee Jew? Yeah. Hey, Jew. What does he yell in restaurants? Yeah, right, right, right.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that seems like, well, first of all, I think that next weekend, I'm going to rent a plane and fly over that same beach. And it's going to say, why do Hesedem wear those curls on the sides of their heads? And will you marry me, fellas? Is Hanukkah really that big a deal? Are you trying to keep up with the Christians? Can you pay off a fully adjustable seven-year loan early or are there penalties?

My mind's racing to think, like if her nickname is Jew, like what must their situations be in life? Like when they're, does he page her in Walmart when he loses her? Yeah. Will a Jew? Come to the information desk. Jew. Yeah. I mean, and in restaurants and everything,

I mean, my mind can't think fast enough right now, but it's not the way to, think of a different pet name. Yeah. I think. All the ones I'm thinking of are too offensive. Yeah. Well, let's compare it to Texas, man. Okay.

Texan, I wouldn't do a paper crinkle for this. I do we? I guess we do. It's a new section. Here comes Texas, man. All right. a Tesla crash victim's autopsy shows his alcohol level was around twice the legal limit for Texas reports say. Meanwhile, by the way, I did some research.

The legal limit for intoxication in Texas, if you're still coherent enough to sue a woman and a Uber driver, if you think they're driving to a Planned Parenthood, you are sober. Yeah. Okay. William Varner and Everett Talbot, Willie and Everett were killed when the Tesla Model S. they were driving, crashed and caught fire near Houston, Texas. Police said, here it is,

police said the men were found in the backseat of the vehicle, raising questions about whether the vehicle had been driven by autopilot, Tesla's self-driving technology. Varner, or Willie, let's call it, Willie and Everett both died from, quote, blunt force trauma

and thermal injuries, according to their autopsy. reports. I'm betting one of them might have asphyxiated on a cock also, but that's not in the police report, but I'm just guessing. So a couple of drunk gentlemen just happened to jump in the back of the car while the cars driving itself? That's, yeah, there's a lot of Texans going, that's God punishing them right there. That's exactly what it is. Oh, my God. I mean, that is, That would be kind of, I could see that being really sexy going like, hey, what do you say we get in the back seat? But the car might crash.

I know. I know. Let's see if we can finish before the car crashes. That would heighten the sexuality tenfold. It's also like, all right, let's pretend we have a limo. I wonder if like they wanted a window that you could press the divider window between the non-exemptive? driver in the back seat. Chris Denman just wrote.

It gives new meaning to auto erotic asphyxiation. There you go. I like it. Chris can officially write headlines for the New York Post now. Auto erotic mishap. Those two Texas boys were definitely, I mean, this is like a little like, Brokeback Mountaine. I think they're like, where can we hook up?

Yeah. Where our wives won't know it. in this Texas masculine agro culture we're in. I got it. Let's buy one of those, let's buy one of those Teslas that's going to drive us. We already got thrown off the roller coaster at the local fair. We already have restraining orders from the Ferris wheel.

Where can we fuck? Oh my God. The photo booth at the pharmacy. won't let us in it anymore. Yeah, right. The gap won't let us try on slacks no more. That's our dressing rooms. Yeah, we've done, cleared out every Airbnb in the county.

They're on to us. All right. Poor guys. Poor guys. Also, wait, did one of them die? I think they both died. So, listen. They both died.

We're sorry about that. I guess it's a little late to say that. We're just trying to find a little levity, but poor guys. That does suck. That is sad. I wonder if they, I wonder why it crashed. Well, that's a question for Elon Musk, who now is going to have charges of homophobia. I do recall that one of the Tesla self-driving issues is how the Tesla reacts to the

blaring flashing lights of emergency vehicles. Oh, really? Yeah. You know, I had heard a rumor. I wonder if anyone knows this. I think it's a rumor, but that when a fire truck is flying down the street, that traffic lights have an ability to see the flashing emergency lights

and change to stop, to make it green in the direction from which the emergency vehicle is coming. to hopefully, you know, help with cross traffic and limiting it and the danger of it. All right, we're going international. International. Okay. Bali, deprived of their preferred food source, the bananas, the peanuts, and other goodies brought by tourists who are now kept away by the coronavirus. Hungry monkeys on the resort island of Bali have taken.

to raiding villagers' homes in the search for something tasty. Worry that the sporadic sorties will escalate into an all-out monkey assault, if no one is making that the name of their first album, all-out monkey assault. But they fear that this assault on the village, the residents have been taking fruit, peanuts, and other food to the monkey forest to try to placate the primates. Quote, we are a,

that the hungry monkeys will turn wild and vicious. Jesus. Yes. Nature is going to take back what it owned in the first place. I know, right? I mean, monkeys are kind of like homeless guys. Okay, he said it. I didn't. They, you know, they have all the capabilities.

They fucking, you know, have hands and arms and feet and they get hungry. might they be more capable than these homeless guys you refer to? I think they are. None of them are addicts. That's right. It leads to drugs. They're better climbers. They, you know, and there's not like social services that are trying to stop them.

So they can just go at it. Wow, this is a hot take on this subject, I have to say. I should have thought it out more. But really, I was in Bali for my honeymoon. moon. You ever been there? I didn't go there because the monkeys, I heard, don't they put on your sunblock, your suntan lotion? I might have that wrong. I don't know. Maybe that's just since the pandemic. There are a lot of temples, and the temples all have monkeys in them, and they're sort of like protected, and they can get a little aggressive for sure. We didn't have any problems with it. I thought

it was kind of cute. I loved hanging out with monkeys. You know, you get. give them some treats. They come up. Whatever. You're probably not, maybe you are down there, but that's the idea. You are. You're supposed to give them treats. Well, right.

And which you can see this coming as soon as these treats stop. You know, it's kind of like putting out the bird feeder. It's like, you know you just prevented that bird from doing its natural migration to warmer weather. So now you're going to have some frozen dead birds in your yard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like your frozen homeless guy in your yard, Greg,

who's as astute as a monkey, according to you. He's cute. But you've seen the footage of these monkeys, very aggressive. Yeah. Because, yeah, they're around those temples, and that influx of tourists has dried up, and they now are desperate. Damn.

They don't know how to hunt. They domesticated them. Well, no, they're in cities. That's the thing. is like, you know, we were in Abu, which is like one of the main, that might be the capital. And, you know, it's not like they can go grab a fucking banana off a tree. That doesn't exist.

Right, right. And there's a lot of them. They're going to have to kill them. You think? Yeah, they're going to have to put them down. Are we still talking about the homeless or are we back? Okay, they're going to, all right, they're so cute though, but all right. Yeah.

Okay. What else? Oh, Denz. Den Passar is the capital. Okay, I had the capital wrong. Abood is the, I think it's the art center. It's where all the artists live. Here's the cool thing about Bali is it is a, it's Hindu.

And so there's a caste system, and there's people that have different levels. And if you're an artist, which is considered one of the highest levels, you are taken care of by the state. And they basically, you go to Abu, which is this city full of artists. And they make a, like, if you've been to my... house. A lot of our art is from Bali. Yep. And they just sit around all day. They're allowed to sit and

gestate and think and be creative and then they produce art. And that's just what they do. It sounds great. But imagine that in this country. You'd be like, you know, we're like subsidizing and funding them. And then all of a sudden nine perfect strangers

comes out and says like, I paid for this piece of fucking shit. That's what that guy was sitting there. thinking about. Yeah, right. All right. David E. Kelly. He's amazing, obviously, but I think he's in a little bit of a mode and he should change it up a little, which he can. He can write anything that guy. Yeah. All right. More international news. He had three TV shows on the air at the same time. And it's not like he was overseeing them. He was writing the scripts on three fucking network shows at the same time. And they were all

high-quality shows. I can't even. I've never asked Greg German about him because he did the one with the men and women. Oh, Jesus. What was his show? Allie McBeal. He did Allen McBeal. Did he? Yeah.

And Greg was a star in that. He was one of the stars of the show. People don't know him. He's the guy with the glasses and the blondish hair. Oh, everyone knows his name from that show. I couldn't stay in Allie McBeal, but it was like, I forget a squeegee. I forget his fucking name. Chris, what was Greg German's name in Alan McBeal?

All right, right at the bottom of the Czech Republic story. In the Czech Republic, a family of wild boars, this article was amazing to me. I found it this morning. Chuck Republic of Family of Wild Boers organized a cage breakout of two piglets demonstrating high levels of intelligence and empathy. Was this a Disney movie? A wild boar carried out a daring mission to free two piglets from a trap,

and it demonstrates that high intelligence and empathy, and this is in a new paper published in scientific reports. The incident was documented by a team of scientists from the Czech University. Wow, that's amazing. And they're wondering, and they're looking at the, age of this female boar, wild boar, led the, quote, mission. They saw how the cage was set up and that if they knocked these wooden spikes down,

they could free it. And that's what they did. And they are checking to see might one of the piglets been a child of this mother boar that started it? That's the new thinking on it. Yeah. But this is like animal farm where the pigs are the smartest, you know, and they're the first to organize and everything. And it's...

Your well. Yeah. But if they're that smart, do you think pigs have meetings like, okay, guys, we got a problem. We are too fucking delicious. And it might be the end of us, quite honestly. Our fatal flaw. You know what we should do?

Let's roll around in shit and mud. Let's try to camouflage our deliciousness a little bit. That's... Yeah, I mean, I'm surprised that hasn't worked. Because you look at a pig, you're like, I'm not eating that. Yeah, right, right. No, it's really like it's like being a porn star. Like everybody, you know, they know they want you.

Okay, your comparisons today, the monkeys to the homeless people, the wild boars to porn stars. The porn stars. You know they're delicious. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, you, you know, you objectify a boar. You just think about the ham. You don't think about the person. I don't know, Greg, though, if I'd eat bacon, if I knew herpes could break out on my lips.

Well, there's a lot of disease that come out with pork. How delicious. It's the most dangerous meat. You're not supposed to handle it. Yeah. By the way, can we no longer call a selfish person a bore now that we know this? It's pretty selfless act. Like you call people a deer.

He's a deer. Yeah, he's gentle. He just nibbles. He's pretty. Look at that pig. It's like when somebody does something nice, you go, oh, he's a boar. I got you. Is Chris still looking up this?

Yeah, Richard Fish from Allie McBeal. Oh, where did he put it? It's up above the check story. I told him put it below it. Fish. Everyone knew him is fish. Yeah. All right, pal.

We're supposed to go to the beach with him on Monday. You're going to come to the beach. beach with us. We're having a little neighborhood beach day. When? Monday. I wasn't invited. Well, I'm inviting you right now. That's not an invite. That's like a by the way.

No, well, we were inviting just the neighbors, but you're part of that group, even though you don't live in our direct neighborhood. I lived there. Remember I lived in Malloy's after the divorce? Oh, that's right. That's right. Cleaned up all of Ginsburg shit, another dead dog. All right. Here we go to sports.

This is your story, pal, because you follow Asian chicks. All right. After losing the third round at the U.S. open on Friday night, by the way, to an 18-year-old who was unseated, a tearful Naomi Osaka said she wasn't sure when she will play in a competitive tennis match again and is taking an indefinite break from the sport. Wow. So she said, quote, I feel like for me. A sore loser?

Go ahead. Like me recently? Like when I win, I don't feel happy. I feel more like a relief. And then when I lose, I feel very sad. I don't think that's normal. Osaka 23 began to cry. And the moderator attempted to end the media session,

but she said she wanted to continue. If you remember, she had a problem with the press and didn't like doing interviews. So that was actually very sweet that the moderator was watching out for her feelings during this. And then Osaka talked for another 40 minutes. about her feelings and everyone's like, maybe we shouldn't interview her anymore. Maybe that's Osaka's strategy. I am going to talk you out. How about that? So don't interrupt. Did you

ask a question? Don't interrupt. This is going to be 53 minutes. No, she did a documentary, which was essentially this for 90 minutes. It was like it was an examination of her mental state. And you came out of the documentary feeling like she had kind of not conquered it, but was in control of it, but she clearly is not in a place emotionally to deal with the high stakes of competitive tennis right now. And it's a shame because, you know, look, I have depression. I've had lifelong depression and I've dealt with it. And there is a stigma that you can even put on yourself when you start to think about yourself having a mental illness. Right. And you, and on one hand, you're trying to be gentle to yourself because you need to do that. You need to say. A lot of

People don't know that, though. Right. So she's trying to be gentle to herself, and the world loves her playing tennis. So they are, you know, passively working against her taking this time. But at the same time, you say, is she doing a disservice to herself to not just step up and learn to deal with this pressure and do what, you know, all tennis players do, which is, you know, shut down their emotions or deal with their emotions on a level that they can play. competitive tennis. So it's tough. Once you identify yourself as having mental illness, does it give that mental illness more traction? Absolutely. Yeah. I say that as somebody who has a mental illness and that I sometimes think, God, you know, have I been consumed by it too much?

And I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on it, but then there's times where I don't. You know, you go back and forth. And really the thing to do, though, is what she's doing, which is just say, hey, I need some fucking space. I need to go all the way down with this. I need to examine it. I need to get some support. And then I'll come back and see if I can handle this because your happiness is everything.

Totally. You had one fortunate quality, though, with your depressionist is you never became number one at anything. So that didn't complicate issues? I'm number one on Sunday papers. I think you are. of not bringing it today. But let me tell you, all right, all right, I remember vividly,

I mean, one of the biggest stories in sports, and it was bigger than usual, the tennis story, which was McEnroe Borg. And McEnroe's drive is this unbelievably, naturally gifted, you know, kid out of Long Island, played for Stanford, went to Stanford for a few months, but then had a go pro. So anyway, he, that,

that that's an identity. That's a drive. And it's to be number one, number one, number one. And I remember, I think I read an article about it, but he had a really hard time when he became number one. Yeah. And a lot of athletes talk about that. Boxers, I'm sure.

And a lot of people, like when it changes everything because you're no longer under this ceiling of like you, you now are the ceiling. And so, and it's an identity. shift. And I remember there's a very good documentary. Borg. Actually, the documentary, I don't know, but the subject matter is amazing about Borg McEnroe. And that was who was chasing. And then you thought they were more, you know, these real enemies. And when Borg retired, McEnroe couldn't believe it. And McEnroe kind of spiraled. Yeah, I remember that. Yep. And Osaka has to find another identity, no matter what.

but she has to find another identity in tennis if she wants to keep playing. Now, a lot of people can somehow find joy, which it sounds like she's hardly ever experienced. Maybe it was, and she says it's no longer bringing her joy. You have to reframe tennis. Tennis is no longer going to be that pursuit of number one. You did that. And I think it's, you know, you have that drive and how do you get joy out of the doing? How do you get joy out of the playing?

and just experiencing it. And, you know, that's why these people, like Djokovic now, it's like it's the drive for numbers. You wonder why they're so obsessed with like 19 grand slam title, because they need a new goal. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's hard. Like the documentary showed her mother and father being very tough on her.

She spent her entire childhood on a tennis court, just nonstop. Right. And during her birthday party, she said, she literally said is what I've done enough yet to her parents. It was a really sad moment. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, also in sports, the NFL season starts next week.

We're going to have to come up with a bet because last year, what was the bet we had last year? I'm, Gregory, I'm pitching you. We do the same bet. Okay, same bet. The last year the bet was, I had Tampa Bay in every single game of the season and with points. Yes, with the spread. With the spread, which is really an unfair bet,

but I took it and I won. How much did I win off you? 400 bucks? I don't want to talk about it. Yes. Yeah, I think I won 400 bucks off you. All right, hold on. Why do you think betting with the spread is an unfair bet?

The idea is it makes it a 50-50 proposition. Right. Now, that's true. Okay. But last year it was an unfair. bet because Brady was a brand new quarterback to that team. That team wasn't strong to begin with. Oh, and then the lines makers don't take that into consideration?

I know, but if I had played you flat out, I would have won so much more, and I regret that. But I will make the- There's no flat out. Why would I take a bet where you're favored, and I'll be like, oh, yeah, I'll just bet the other team wins. No one would do that. So listen, my strategy was everybody is so in love with goddamn Tom Brady. that when they're like, who's going to win?

So what is it this week? It's Buccaneers. Dallas at Buccaneers. Right now the line is seven and a half. You take Buccaneers, they're favored by seven and a half. So you have to give me seven and a half points. Now, my theory was when that bet comes out, everybody is making this emotional thing like,

oh my God, Brady's going to win. So they bet on Tampa Bay. So what happens is when that side of the bet gets a lot of action, Vegas has to give away more points to try to get an equal amount of money on the other side of that bet. So my theory was there's such an influx of people betting on Tampa Bay that it'll be an artificially inflated a spread. That was your theory last year and how'd that work out? I lost $400. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I'm smarter than everybody else is what. Sometimes that happens to me. No, because you bet everything short. You bet the stock market short. You bet the housing market short. You didn't buy a house again because you thought it was going to come down. Oh, God.

Are we reviewing my finance? You're a glass is half full guy. I am contrarian, but I like betting the under is the most miserable bet in sports. So my thinking is more people bet the over, which then they have to raise that over-under number. And I guess I'm wrong. So you always bet the under number. wrong about that, God damn it. All right, so this year we're going to do the same bet.

We're going to play Tampa Bay with points every week for, what do we do? 50 bucks a week? I think we did. Yeah, 50 bucks a week. And then we're going to come up last year. By the way, I should mention. That's amazing I owed you 400. I mean, that's crazy.

Plus, I think I won another 100 bucks because I think I bet. I predicted before last year started. Oh, we went double or nothing. Sorry, we went double or nothing. on the last game. Okay. Also, I was in a football pool last year. It was a single elimination suicide pool. There were about 40 people in it, and I won that last year. I split it with two other people, so I won it. Well, lucky you gave a lot of that money back to Gubbins. We're not back to, but you gave it a Gubbins yesterday. That hurt. Yeah. Are we moving on to science? Let's do some science.

Don't do it. Don't do it. We're going to lose our ads, even though you've been so dirty already that we already lost our ads. Science, cats are falling ill with life-threatening stress. Meow? I laugh at cats who are struggling. As owners spend longer time at home and damage the feline's daily regimens. Is that a regimen? Is sitting on the back of a couch licking your... your own vagina a regimen?

That's what the artist do in Bali, apparently, and they get paid for it. Vets have found that our work-from-home habits are causing cats to develop a range of dangerous conditions, all of which are linked to stress. They have seen a notable increase in conditions like blocked bladders in male cats, as well as cystitis in both male and female cats over the past 18 months. Dogs do not suffer from the same stress, but now they're suffering from stress when their owners are going back to work. Because the dogs have loved this.

Yeah. Dogs actually like their owners. Cats, who knows what cats are doing when we're out. But clearly, you know, they don't want us to be a part of it. They don't need us. I wonder if this happens during lesbian breakups when they're home more. I'm sure the strife. But in my head, let's go back to that next door app.

Like, is anybody's. cat? Yeah. I'm home more, but it seems to be ignoring me. Did you ever have a cat? No. My uncle Johnny in the Bronx steam fitter said the word bathroom. Uncle Johnny, who you knew very well, had a three-legged cat that he named Tripod, which was pretty original at the time.

This is the 1970s. My friend Brian Van Horn had a three-legged cat named Tripod. Not before Uncle John. So, and when he would leave, this is how much he knew who a cat was, when he would, like, come out, like, when my dad was his brother, when we would, like, go with Uncle Johnny on vacations and all that, he would open the toilet seat and then just put cat food all around the floor of the bathroom. And that was its water and food.

And Tripod loved it. Was it the same toilet he used, or was that specifically for Tripod? There was a one bathroom apartment, a bathroom apartment. It was one bathroom apartment. So he also had to come home and go to the hospital because that's where tripod was because tripod would watch sit on the open window and watch pigeons fly by. And sometimes they were a little too tempting. And one time it jumped out at the pigeons.

And luckily, he had one of those awnings in front of his apartment and it bounced off the awning and then onto the sidewalk. But it still was hurt. But lived, it survived. Oh, my God. That's with three legs, he did that. All right, one more quick cat story in my family. Yeah, yeah, with three legs.

Tripod, by the way, lived to the oldest age ever. He also got another cat, but eventually he was traveling, whatever it was his job. He gave it to my grandmother. My grandmother fell in love with the cat. That cat, I guess we're not that great. We're very descriptive names. That cat's name was Blackie. So Blackie.

Which your uncle also said a lot. Not talking about cats. So Blackie died. And so my grandmother said, I want you to take this up to Mike, my dad's house in the country where my grandma would come. My grandma would come up there a lot. And I want you to bury it by that tree at the end of the driveway. And Uncle John said, sure thing, sure thing, ma. So Uncle John took the cat and then threw it in a dumpster down the street, right?

True story. Like didn't have a cremator. I like, but we, we imagine it was like a clang when he threw the stiff cat in the dumpster. But this is the saddest part of all. For the next five or six years, however long my grandmother lived, whenever she came up to our house out in the country, she would get out of the car and we're all walking in the house and carrying her bags. She would walk to the end of the driveway and give the sign of the cross towards the tree. And we're like, we're like, uh, grandma, the dumpsters behind you about six. miles.

Uncle John cross himself when he went past the dumpster each time? I think we all had to. No, no, let her say, let her give her respects to that tree that has no cat near it. Yep. Yeah. Meanwhile, my dogs are 15 years old and they will not die. They refuse to let go.

And so my little white one, which is a Shih Tzu, is blind, deaf. When I say blind, like walks into walls. Yeah. And deaf can't hear you from 10 feet away. Can't, I put a treat in front of her face. She can't even smell it. And now she's got dementia. So she, like last night, I walked her outside to take a piss.

And she pissed. And then she just walked into the street. Just crossed the street and started walking. I'm like, where the fuck are you going? Like that's, you've never done that. In 15 years, she's never done that. So I hope for her sick. that the end is near because

I don't think she's very happy right now. She just barks and kind of moans a lot. Give her to Dennis. Oh, too soon. All right. So I'm losing my voice. We're to an hour of 50. Let's cut down to this day in history.

All right. You ready? Here we got a section, new section. All right. I don't even think we have to do a lot with this. I just want to read it because it's a great story. In 1991, AIDS activists on a Sunday morning in Washington, D.C., a group of activists arrived at the home of North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms. Using ladders, several of them climbed to the roof of the house, and from there they unfurl a giant piece of fabric, which is then inflated by their comrades on the front lawn.

Soon the senator's home is surrounded by a giant yellow condom reading, a condom to stop unsafe politics. Helms is deadlier than a virus. A decidedly unsettled response to Helms vehement opposition to gay rights and to funding AIDS research and treatment. How fucking great is that? Wow. Well, keep in mind, you know, this is in the time. Ronald Reagan, the president of the United States, didn't say the word AIDS,

which was slaughtering so many Americans. He refused to say it. And he had a gay son. Yes, Ron. That's right. Ron Jr. He also, Jesse Helms, considered homosexuals, quote, weak and morally sick and believe that any- That's not all of them. And believe that any legislation aimed at learning more about HIV-AIDS was developing treatments for the disease was tantamount to enabling the homosexual lifestyle. And that's a lifestyle of fornicating in the backseat of a self-driving automobile. That's right. They would have died anyway. If they didn't die in the crash, they would have died from the bug.

So anyway, I just think that that's such a fucking great move, putting a condom over his house. That is very cool. And he couldn't get out. Like, he couldn't get out of the house. He had to wait for them to the fucking city officials to come and cut him out. He had to wait until his house broke the condom because it was having such rigorous sex. Let's go to, let's do a couple letters to the end. editor and then we'll land this baby.

Here we go. Paper crinkle. Okay. Joanne says I seem to really have a crush on these guys. Glad she's hanging in with it. I love it too. You know what? That's a nice constant in this ever-changing world. That's right. This first one is pretty long, so I'm going to wait on that one and go to Robert Corey,

who just randomly asked the first time either of you. to took a girl out, how did it go? Do you remember the first time he took a girl out, Mike? I don't. I mean, I don't know. I guess it's kind of blurry because sometimes it wasn't like, this is a date. Right.

I do remember being really, really young and taking a girl out in New York. I'd say we were 7, 16, 17, 17, 17, maybe 16. And we went to a restaurant and ordered, just a gin and tonics and in New York they served you and we had a lot and she passed out

so that was the first time I had sex I'm kidding come on guys it's it come on now that you get canceled my first date because I was like you I had hung with girls not as much

as me you had a heat seeker in you that I was too shy about yeah I was very I was very sexual active. And me and my friend, Snakey Peak cars were in White Plains. And we met these two girls in the gallery. Remember the gallery of shopping mall? Of course. Yeah. One of the first, the first mall in our experience. It was. And teenagers from all over Westchester would take their butt. I'd take the number 13 bus.

I took buses there. And then we, and you'd go from there. And there was a head shop. I forget what it was call but you could buy your pipes and your bongs and all that stuff there. Posters. Of like Heather what's her name and also like just girls and bikinis. Yep. Yep. And so we met these two girls and they were from another town. I can't remember what town they were from.

But they were kind of like Italian big-haired girls. Probably Eastchester where I was from. So we met them and we said, do you want to go to a movie next weekend? And so it was like a date and we met them. and we went to the movie theater and we hadn't picked one out yet and the title of one of the movies was Making Love and it was starting in 10 minutes

and we go let's do it so we go in and I don't know if you remember this particular film I have no recall of it it was an Al Pacino movie about cruising no that's called cruising oh wait it was cruising well making love it was another

it was a gay movie it was another gay movie Okay. So me and Pete were in there, and we had just smoked a joint before we met the girls. And so we were sitting there with them, and it was like just gay scene after gazing. And so Pete and I said, we have to go to the bathroom, and we just left. And we left the girls in the theater. And had sex in the handicapped all.

And we took it, yeah, we took a taxi home and had sex in the back seat. You just left them in there. You wanted to know the crazy part is sneaky Pete turned down. out to be gay. Well, hence the name. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Chris, will you look up making love and see what that movie is? I'm changing my name back to fully realized Pete. And then we got, let's see, let's skip that one. And let's go to Jason

Davis, a couple shows ago, mentioned how incredible 88.5 FM in Southern California, KCSN is. It's the best radio station that has ever existed. I literally listened to it night and day, 10 hours a day. I worked in radio for 22 years and they are hands down the greatest. Please encourage people to listen to them on their website, 885fm.org or by asking Amazon Alexa to play KCSN on IHeart Radio or iTunes. I'm so glad this guy wrote in. I was having a mental sort of fart last week. It is my favorite station.

The day I found it, I immediately called and gave money. It is like, so KCRW is really famous out here. It's in Santa Monica College. And that, you know, has morning becomes eclectic and all that. I think the original guy that created Morning becomes eclectic, I think he created it. But that guy, Nick Harcourt, is now he left KCRW.

He's at 88.5. His morning show will introduce you to the newest music, but not only that, very often it's amazing. You'll hear this new song, and you'll be like, oh, I really like this from this new band. And then the next song will be this, like, obscure David Bowie song, and you're like, oh, man, I see what he's doing. There are such influences from that song in this new song.

Like, it's just the most thoughtful. and truly eclectic show for music. So anyway, 88.5, it's like KSRW, but zero commercials, zero news. It's just music. The DJs are so great. And next week I'll call up a playlist

like from 88.5. It's truly incredible how varied and eclectic the music is. You know, we used to text each other. There was a bunch of us that would text like a song that was on at the time we take a picture of the song that was on. I just got a post here from Chris who says, Making Love was 1982. Yeah, so I would have been like 15 or 16 years old.

A successful young L.A. doctor and is equally successful television producer wife find their happily ever after life torn asunder when he suddenly confronts his long repressed attraction for other men. Yeah, that was it. Let's see. Howdy, Greg. Some quick feedback about Sunday papers. Been listening since you got started on the podcast, really enjoying it. When you guys riff on silly topics, it's the best.

Being honest, I get you listening, Mike? No. Being honest, I get pretty turned off when hot topics like COVID and politics get brought up. When either of you get into rant mode along these lines, I just fast forward the shit until you're talking about something funny again. Well, that is something we, you know, battle with on this show because it is ostensibly a comedy show. But Mike and I are also guys that have strong feelings about politics. We try to keep it out of the podcast as much as we can. I think Mike sometimes goes a little overboard with his liberal bullshit.

Is this Greg talking now, or is this? Yeah, well, I'm kind of with them. I'm kind of with him. Well, remember when I got accused of being right-wing? That's true. You do get that sometimes. Because I try to be fair-minded about things. I know, but I think people just, they just group racism with right-wing.

It's weird. What I have found, though, is both sides can really be, like, surprisingly sensitive for comedy fans. That's what surprises me. So you're not hearing it the way you'd want, or, I mean, some are just saying, hey, there's enough of that out there in other places, don't go there. But it's like, we don't spend that much time on it. And if I'm listening to someone who I think is funny

and then they went into something that they think is interesting and it's not that long, I don't know if I'd write a complaint, like a Karen letter about it. Yeah, it seems to be that everybody's got, everybody has to fucking weigh in. This guy, Mark, said, I stopped watching the news because I can't tolerate

so much partisan hate speech, but fortunately I came across your show through the Joe Rogan experience. Sunday papers, nice. I can get a comedy view of the news. But listening to your recent show, I find that your partner garners as much hate as the cable news networks do.

He said, fuck Governor DeSantis. Well, I'll say it too. Fuck Governor DeSantis. Okay, I don't like many politicians either. But then he says he hates Republicans? What? All right. I, this, listen, if I did, I'm surprised.

Can he find, how about this? next week, if you're still listening, next week, find where I said I hate Republicans. Yeah, I don't think you ever said you hate Republicans. I think this guy heard that. Well, it's very like, you know. There's no way you said that. Remember all, I mean, if, no, I might have slipped, but I mean, that's not my view usually. In fact, if anything, I've been like, where are the old school Republicans who would like hate this new direction, this extremism?

Anyway, it sounds a little like, remember all the years we listened to Howard Stern, where Howard Stern's like, that is not at all what, like, people would just, like, you know, blanket, criticize Stern as these boys. He's like, find where I said that. I'd never said that. Right. And then somebody else said, consider, you know, we talked about we're going to have mugs for Christmas this year. And I sent Mike a bunch of logos that we've used since the show started. He was supposed to go through them and send me his favorites.

He did not. Oh, okay. But once he does, we're going to post those on the website. You guys are going to pick your favorites, and we're going to put out, this guy says, consider differentiating by offering giant mugs. I'd buy more than one. What's it like a giant mug, bigger ones? I don't know.

But I think also maybe we'll offer more than one version of the mug. Maybe we'll do like two or three different logos on the mugs. But you guys will vote and they'll be on sale. we're looking at late October. Oh, all right, a deadline. I can, that's what I need. Obituaries. And that's all, folks.

Real quick, we missed it last week because this happened on Sunday, on last week's papers. Ed Asner, the actor who rose to fame playing cranky newsman Lou Grant on the Mary Tyler Moore show from 1970 to 77 and had later voice acting fame in 2009's up. when he began playing Lou Grant in the Mary Tyler Moore show, he gave the character the perfect blend of cranky gruffiness and underlying kind-heartedness.

Just what we were talking about before. His character was spun off into his own show, Lou Grant's. And he won five Emmy Awards for playing Lou Grant across the two series. Wow. Yeah, he did a drama. I don't think anybody else has won an Emmy

for a drama and a comedy. In addition to two other Emmys for the miniseries Rich Man, Poor Man, and Roots, making him the most honored male performer in Emmy Awards history. Huh. He was also in Elf, remember? Of course. Yeah. He's the most honored male performer in Emmy Awards history?

Yeah. At that time or still? I think still, why? Who do you think would one more Emmys than him? I'd have to give it some thought. I don't know. There's no like Merrill Streep of male TV actors out there? I think what's his name?

I mean, Frazier? I was just thinking of that name. Yeah. Yeah, I think he might be. Kelsey Grammer. Because he might have won one on Cheers and then won one on... I don't think he won on Cheers. I don't think he won on Cheers.

Yeah. But that show was an Emmy Darling. It got nominated every year. Oh, I know. The interesting thing about that show is it just structurally was different in the sense that the two lead characters, the brothers, were not opposites at all. They were kind of the same guy with different shadings. I know. And the dad was the juxtaposition.

Right. No, Frazier was so smart. It was really great. It's a spinoff. Julie Louise Dreyfus has won eight, Clarissa. Leachman has won eight. I would say Julian Lewis Dreyfus, in my mind, is the most accomplished television actor of all time.

Oh, he put John Lithgow one six. He won six. Lyftow is a monster man. He is so, so talented. Yeah. Sorry, my voice is cracking. I think Third Rock from the Sun was bad for him because it really typecast him. And he was much more than that character.

Oh, my God. Waiting for Garp? Oh, Willard Scott just died. World According to Garp, Waiting for Garp, Waiting for Government. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. For three decades, he forecast the weather on the Today Show.

Wow, 65 years at NBC. Most famous for his shoutouts for people turning 100 years old. Oh, right, right. Yeah. I wonder how old he was. I mean, that guy, yeah, I mean, 65-year career, he can't be less than 90. He was 87. He was definitely less than 90.

See, bet the under. Okay. Are we getting to the funnies? Let's get to the funnies. Okay. Okay, so just Hager the Horrible was on point this week. Once again, Sunday papers, surprising when you open it up, and it's got the colors. and the drawings and that's where the kids

are going to go. That here's the cartoon Hagger the Horrible presents. It is Hager with his dog who's also got a funny helmet on with the horns. And Hager says, Snurt is a hunting dog and this other gentleman says does he chase rabbits? Next

frame is the dog with little hearts over his head and his tongue hanging out chasing a rabbit that looks petrified. And he says yes, but for all the wrong reasons. Yeah. He's going to rape a rabbit. And if you're thinking, how do you know he's going to rape the rabbit?

That's not the wrong reason. The artist put hearts all over the dog's head and the wide-eyed dog is chasing it in a fit of lust. And the rabbit is not going like... Staring at its tail. Yeah. Yeah. The ass is right in the dog's face and the rabbit looks like he's going to be raped. Or she.

I guess it's a she. I think for, yeah, let's keep it clean. Let's make it a shie. What about, remember Pepey Lapew? Remember what a fucking rape job that guy was? Pepeleleu's been canceled. Oh, was he canceled? Yeah.

Yeah. Then they try to cancel, did you hear, they try to cancel Speedy Gonzalez, but the Mexican community said don't. Oh, good. Yeah. It's a fucking cartoon. Lockhorns are on fire this week. Leroy is dancing.

And Loretta says, you dance as if I'm your opponent. That is so funny. Like a wrestling match. That is a really good line. And then the next one is Loretta is looking at the credit card bill, and she goes, I've run the numbers today, Leroy. It's time to run. And then finally, Leroy is standing on a scale.

And Loretta says, still wondering where all the grocery money goes. You want to do a little family circus? Boy, do I? I just, I forgot to put it in the document until, you know, basically when our show started. And oh, man, if we had missed this gem. So, you know, this little obnoxious red-headed kid is sitting there in his chair. And he's screaming.

Billy. It's Billy. His disappointed face. And he's like, Mommy, he's eating a big. like big slice of watermelon. He's like, mommy, I swallowed a watermelon seed. Dash, will a watermelon grow inside me? So that's what tons of kids ask about oranges, lemons, limes,

about anything that has a seed. Seeds grow. So when the seed goes in someplace, you wonder if it's going to grow. and this guy decided to put that old chestnut in a in a newspaper and a syndicated to tens of millions of people will waste 15 seconds reading this fucking piece of shit and by the way how about the artwork have you ever seen those colors on a watermelon it's like purple with lime green with with a lime green shell yeah it almost looks like the coloring of a fig like a really dark fig

with a really dark red inside. Yeah. Anyway, shut up you little kid. Just spit the watermelon seeds like everybody else. All right, I can't. Here's asshole Dagwood coming on from work with his briefcase. And my mommy's response. Unfortunately, your dad's seed did grow inside of me.

Ah, there it is. There, finally. I had to wake up. All right, go ahead. Here we go. Finally, Dagwood walks in with his fucking briefcase filled with who knows what, because he doesn't do shit at work.

Lundy's got on a fucking, like a Kelly green dress. Her hair is done just right. She's got a light blue shoes. We really work in some spring colors. And she says, don't take off your jacket. We're going out for dinner. And he goes, is this a special occasion? She goes, yeah, the cook has the night off.

You fucking piece of shit. And he's disappointed. Yeah, yeah. He looks like he's put upon that she's not. standing at the stove like some fucking slave stirring up a stew for him. The cook has the night off. Yeah, Dagwood, you know what? You're the one that should be walking in the door and saying,

Hey, sweetie, you don't have to cook tonight. Let's take you out. Look at you. Let's celebrate my good fortune by treating you like the fucking goddess that you are. I'm taking you to the best restaurant in town. We're going to get appetizers, desserts. You want wine. You got fucking wine.

Look at me and look at you. Poor thing. I like she stood up for herself. I'm just sick that she has to. It's week after week she's standing up for herself. Yeah. God. All right, well, listen, we want to remind you guys if you want to get the nicotine in you

in the best possible way. Yeah. We say go to lucy.com. put in promo code papers and get yourself 20% off your first order of Lucy Slim Pouches. Also, don't forget, got some tour dates coming up. Go to Fitzdog.com for details live at the Sacramento Punchline 918 at 4 p.m. Come check out that. Mike, anything you want to promote?

Penn 15, I guess. I don't know. 1015, yeah, check it out. Don't forget to watch Penn 15. It's kind of just there. it's not talked about as much as it should be, but it's something that needs to get watched. Yeah, what else?

Oh, shout out to Dennis. Hope he's doing well. That's a life changer like he lives alone, and now it's definitely more alone. Yeah. So ladies, if any ladies live in a Los Angeles area and want to go on a date with a guy who can get you a vaccine in front of minorities.

Didn't I hear you hooking him up with a date on the golf course yesterday? that was a thought I had. It never came to fruition. He's not ready. He wasn't ready yet. I think he's ready now. It's been 24 hours.

But he's such a nice guy. We want to get this guy, you know. So what happened? You guys go to the beach last night? Yeah, his aunt and uncle are still in town and a bunch of friends. And we went out there to watch sunset, you know, which he would be out on the beach a lot with his dog. Oh, nice. Yeah, so it was really nice.

And then we walked over to Main Street and all went to Lula's restaurant. and had way too much Mexican food. Did he pay for it? No, I didn't let him. Wow. Yeah. What a guy. Yeah.

What a guy that let me pay, you mean? After winning your money? Oh, he took so much money for me. Not just me, but, you know, there were four of his betting, and he made a lot of fucking money. Jesus Christ. Thank you to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops and Keiths and Keith. who do an amazing job Week in and Weeky out

And we'll catch you guys next week All righty, take Ginesh Dang itish Day Ganesh Sunday papers Greg and Mike Right between the eyes

Like a lightning strike Sunday paper Makes me so happy In my little Day Sunday papers Read all about