Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers - July 19th, 2026 - Mike Gibbons & Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: July 19, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg and Mike muster up the energy for another Sunday Papers and dive into the World Cup, festival plans, permanent daylight saving time, Trump’s pay-to-play policy announcements, a White House teleprompter operator allegedly betting on presidential speeches, Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey, an unfortunate Florida license plate, a racist dog, and the New Jersey meteorite that may contain clues about the origins of life. Plus, Cadillac vanity plates, Disneyland history, John Glenn, Jane Austen, Mad Men, listener corrections, and another round of headlines that make the country look completely normal. Kalshi: Sign up at Kalshi.com/SOCCER10 and use promo code SOCCER10. Zocdoc: Find and book a top-rated doctor today at Zocdoc.com/PAPERS. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I didn't know you could get that big. Spider-Man, brand-new day. In theaters, July 31st. The sun is up. The day is bright. It's Sunday. Read all of Sunday papers. Okay, let's do it.

We're both tired. But man, I could feel us mustering the energy. What do you think mustering means? Muster, like you must do it. It's a must-do situation. You put a little mustard on a shot. Don't you put a little more energy on it? Yep.

Throw a little fucking zip. But I think this is muster. Muster. Muster, mister. I'm going to look it up for an hour and then we're done. Yeah, look it up. It means to assemble or gather together. It is frequently used in military context, such as a roll call or inspection.

Okay. All right. Great start to the show. This is exactly. Calling forth an emotion. Well, people have to know what we mean when we're going to muster up the energy here. Well, we woke up early this morning. We played golf.

Dennis, Gubb. was a little bitch all day. We're going to pass muster also. Oh, my God. He was unbearable today. Yeah. I want a bunch of money. This is the thing.

He's listening to this right now, and then we're going to have to deal then with that. Oh, I forgot. Right. So he was great. He was great. He was fantastic. He doesn't mind. Listen, golfing with him.

You don't. You don't have to like just tell everybody on the course to shut up as he's standing over the ball. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't have complicated rules with you can talk, talk loud, just don't whisper. None of that stuff going on. No, what's great is I just like to take my free time and, you know, get on the golf course and chat 75 yards away from him and be yelled at. Or given a look like I just, you know, groped his sister.

Yeah. So anyway. Anyway. That was fun out there. And then we had breakfast with your dad. Yeah. So great to see him. He's still sharp as attack.

Oh yeah. He's good. And that's the thing with him. I'm like, I was afraid to tell him. You know, punctual people, well, punctual people don't bother me. They do a little. But early people really bother me. And that's on me.

Because I feel responsible. So I should have known, first of all, if I tell my dad, hey, we might do breakfast tomorrow, meet for breakfast tomorrow, I'm half waiting for him to stand up and start packing and just go now. Right, right. Because that's like we used to get to the airport. I don't know. Three and a half hours before our flights. Seriously?

Oh. And then he'd have a stack of papers. And his favorite thing in the world was reading papers. By the way, in the boarding area of sometimes two flights before us. So there'd be like Tulsa, and that's not us, but my dad's reading papers with the Tulsa people. Then Houston, and then the Houston people leave, and then our flight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I tell him, we're going to meet.

I go, we'll probably be done. And I'm trying to guesstimate how long our round. I go probably around 1030. And then I was like, all right, that means he's going to get there. No joke, 950. So then I go, hey, probably now I artificially put it late. And I gave him, this was an hour before. I go, you know what, let's back that up.

And I patted it. I even said like 1045. So when we were coming in at 1030, he was already sitting there. I saw and already had his food. Yeah. All right. Fuck that. That bothers me so much.

No, I got up. I once got up. I mean, I overslept, but I woke up at 6.30 a.m. In my bed. My flight was at 7.15. And I had my wife. I got her up. We fucking ran to the car, drove to the airport.

I have TSA. I flew through. I was on my 715 flight. Same. And it drives people. I, I, I have spent, I just don't, I don't spend time at airport. People talk about these, these, you know, airline clubs that you can go in.

Wouldn't need it. I don't, I don't have time. I'm running to my flight. Yeah, no, I'm spoiled with the motorcycle. I'll sometimes leave, like, 59 minutes before departure. And it's not even close. Like, I make it with no problem. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I'm boarding in my group and the whole thing. It's crazy. Yeah. Hey, World Cup, you put that in here? Well, I mean, I feel like we should talk about it. The finals is today, as you're listening to this, you probably have the World Cup on the background. It's Argentina against Spain.

And, you know, I just can't believe how into it. I sent out a tweet before the World Cup started because I was sick of all the hype and the commercials. And I said, I just don't get the World Cup. It's like gay porn to me. I respect the athleticism, but it just doesn't get me excited. Man, did I get attacked? I mean, it went on.

I stopped reading the comments. And now I'm more into it than anybody. I haven't missed a game. I would watch two or three games a day, every day. Well, you know what you have to learn is part of the unpredictability of it, the biases that are clearly at play, the lack of an accurate clock or a clock that you can all share in the urgency of it winding down. It's all guesses.

And so I think that's part of its charm. And also the personalities. They really have big personalities. You get to know the players over time. That guy, Holland from Norway, was so exciting to watch. I was always pulling for Norway. And then obviously what Messi did is just, a fucking bow on what's been the greatest career of all time.

And we're watching the last chapter. I mean, who knows? Maybe he plays another World Cup. But, you know, the fact that he is, you know, going to get the golden boot. He's going to get the most goals scored in this World Cup. It's amazing. No, they're saying also many feel he's playing this better than he did the last World Cup.

And he's playing defense. He's not dragging out there. He plays both sides of the field. He, he's remarkable. And the other thing that's so uplifting and inspiring is all the career-ending injuries that you see, I'd say once every four minutes with someone screaming on the ground for the mama and for their God. And then the recovery. The recovery's unbelievable.

Like you look at the NFL. You look at truly almost a career-ending injury, like, you know, the Jets with the hamstring and what's his name? Like, he just sat there. Rogers. Yeah. Really hurt. Hit really hard. Sat there.

And he literally had to be helped off the field because it's almost impossible to walk with your Achilles totally severed. So, yeah, it's just a different. They're just more resilient, I think, in the World Cup. Because it's like so many of the worst injuries ever were grown men are like beside themselves rolling around like infants. And then they keep playing. It's good for them. Well, what's amazing is, like, my son played competitive soccer his whole life. And once they got to high school, you realize, like, standing on the side of the field,

you realize they are slamming into each other. And they are stepping on each other's feet and twisting ankles. And the headers, my son got two concussions in high school. And he wasn't really supposed to play anymore. You're not supposed to. That's the protocol. After two or three concussions, these guys,

you think they haven't had three concussions, the guys out on that field? Have you seen them go up for a header? It's insane. This is what I know. I have not seen one technically twisted ankle, and I have not seen one concussion. But boy, you know,

the four minutes they flop around is, you know, it's hard to watch. Oh, you're being sarcastic this all time. I didn't, I wasn't sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's fucking. absurd and you should be penalized for it. Yeah. I think it's way less this year than it was the last World Cup. I feel like they're, I feel like they're cutting down on it a little bit. And some teams are way worse than others.

You know, I feel like the Europeans are much bigger whiners than the Latino teams. You think? I think so. Ah, Latin in South America, you think are less like sort of dramatic? I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but the ones that stand out to me is I'm always thinking that the French are so fucking French out there. But then again, you know, half the players are not from there.

They're from, you know, Africa or, and they find a great grandmother who is married to a guy from France back in the 30s. And now they get to play for France. The colonizers have very good teams. Yes. So what are we doing? There's a festival, a music festival on our beach, right here in Santa Monica. Finally acting like Santa Monica with a global brand name that they do nothing with. Yeah.

So, I mean, like I live right by Main Street in Santa Monica. I don't know you know it. I'd say there's four bars. One bar has been closed 15 years on a corner. On a corner on Main Street in Santa Monica, O'Brien's. another one's been closed 10 years one just reopened and then another one was closed for 12 years

like it's such it's so stupid the firehouse like the best spot on Main Street no firehouse has been open no I thought it closed down but the one no the white one on the corner they used to have the bottomless what do they call the champagne drink

but anyway this festival we got who's playing Jack White is playing Yep. I'll look it up. Pretty good lineup, but oh man. Frung Bin, who you got me into. Yeah, right. I won't correct you. That's right.

Ocean Way Festival. The killers are performing. But the tickets are starting at $200 a day. It's like cut the shit. They don't have to set up chairs. People are literally just bringing. bringing blankets and sitting on the sand. Killers, Jack White, Sublime, Olves,

Olivia Dean, Cronbin, Duran Jones, and the indications, hiatus, Cioti. I probably slaughtered some of those, sorry. But those are the top act, Saturday and Sunday, September 26th and 7. But right here, yeah, we're having her own little Awana Fest. You know, we should do? We should ask them,

if we promote the festival on our podcast, if they'll give us VIP tickets. Let's do it. Matt Price. We are a Santa Monica podcast. Matt Peters, our producer, is going to reach out to them and get us tickets. We're a Santa Monica podcast and we're going to interview people during the show. I love it.

Fans, not even. You don't even have to bother the talent. We'll interview fans. All right. Best festival you've ever been to. Me? Yeah. I don't know

Why, what about you? I was thinking, I went to this one with Van Morrison and the Chiefs Is medieval times? Is medieval times a festival? It was, I think it was called the Flawe Festival. Oh, sorry, I have my answer. Go ahead. They would do it on, I think it was Roosevelt Island in New York.

you know Roosevelt Island? Yeah, I think it's the same exact location as Roosevelt Island. What did I say? Roosevelt. Roosevelt Island, and it was Van Morrison and the Chieftains and the Cranberries. It's like an Irish music festival,

plus a lot of folk Irish bands. And I went with my mom and Aaron, and they had just met, so it was kind of a bonding day. It was incredible. I was thinking, when you said it, things like newer things, like Bonaroo and then, you know, the one out here in the desert.

But, no, but I went to Jazz Fest for like six years. Jazz Fest in New Orleans is unbelievable. Oh, yeah. It's incredible. Didn't you see what's his name at a bowling alley? The South African guy who's from New Orleans? Well, it was, God, I'm really brain dead today. But they would have a Zidico.

contest, but also the funky meters I saw in the bowling alley. Yeah. It was unbelievable. Yeah. George Porter also in the bowling alley. So you would do these things at Jazz Fest. You would go out late at night to like the Maple Leaf and all these like little bars. And one of them is the Rock and Bowl.

And you would see world class talent in these little bars all over New Orleans. It's just incredible. But also, like, I'd be tripping my brains out and, like, and, you know, like, all of a sudden, like, let's say it was Dave Matthews or some really popular act. Or Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, they would be like on these, Bruce Springsteen on these main stages. And then I, like, my friend would be like, come over here, come over here. Let's go into the jazz tent. Well, all this is going on. Jazz 10 would be empty.

And it was like the first year, like Cassandra Wilson had her album out. And you would just be blown away in the jazz tent, you know? It was incredible. When I was in New Orleans for Skank Fest, which I'll be back at in November, you guys got to get your tickets. I took a tour of New Orleans with Tom O'Neill and Dimples Liz. And Harry Connick Jr., there's this amazing story that they told us on the tour. He's from there, and his father was a... A New Orleans Saint.

No, his father was a cop in New Orleans. and this famous jazz guy who if I, if I'd have to look it up, got arrested. And then his father said, I'll let you out if you give my son music lessons. And he did. And that's how Harry Connick Jr. got into music. Wow. Is that crazy? Solid.

And I know he was like, boy, he was like boy wonder in the preservation hall, I think. Oh, yeah. The other great jazz festival is the Newport Jazz Festival in Rhode Island, which we used to go to. And you take boats. They perform right on the water. And then there are hundreds of boats docked just off the shore. And BB King, Herbie Hancock used to do it every year. It was amazing.

So right before the podcast, I saw a headline. So we're not going to do the story. We're going to keep an eye on it. but in multiple places, including the L.A. Times, the San Andreas Fault, well, this hotline is the San Andreas Fault's silence raises earthquake concerns. And then other ones stated more strongly than that, that it is eerily silent right now. Now, when we make our predictions every year, I believe you go with L.A. will have an earthquake this year every year. No, I don't think I did last year, and I was right. I just got so frustrated.

But then it was hard to better than this year. You got frustrated that there was no earthquake? Yeah. So, and how wrong I am consistently. So this year, I think I might have said yes, because the buildup is just too much. I mean, we're overdue. We're supposed to have a sizable shake every 20 years. It's been 40.

So you think this is the con before the store right now. Yeah. Huh? It's almost like in your marriage where like it's going so smooth and you're getting along and you're laughing and you're having dinner and you just think, oh, this isn't good. Right. Something is afoot. Let's talk about this week's logo from Bruce Wise. I don't know if it's Bruce Weiss or Bruce Wise.

W-Y-S-E, big contributor to the show. He has me looking like Kane. You look like Kane and I look like a guy who's about to blow somebody. You look like a make-o, maybe Kane's Make-O-Wish kid? Well, I do look like a Make-A-Wish kid. That's the thing about me. But he got the maroon right. Yeah, I got the maroon.

I like that. Yeah. And the socks pulled up to my knees. I got a lot of shit about my outfit at golf today because I wear socks. Apparently that's a thing, wearing socks. That's not why you got shit. No. You wore like working man shorts.

I don't know what those were, which were dark, like brown, and then you had dark socks, which were high into your dark shoes. You look like, I don't even know. Like from the bottom down, you look like some British drunk. Yeah. I look like it. look very comic on from the ways down. Yeah. And then, uh, and then I had the maroon hat on, the maroon bucket hat. You did. I forgot. How could I forget? Yeah, that's how distracting the

outfit was. I didn't even really comment on that. The song came from Tim Dilley, another big supporter of the show who actually years ago, we did an auction to raise money for, what were we raising money for? I think ourselves and he fell right for it. It was wonderful. No, it was a charity. and we auctioned off a round of golf at Penmar, and he won and he flew down to L.A. from San Francisco. Well, what did we raise money for? I forget.

I don't know. We're good guys, though. That's the whole point. Yeah, we should do it again. Corrections. First off, condolences to your wife for her father-in-law's passing. My father-in-law passed. I did want to call out an error on 7-12's episode.

You mentioned that your daughter was camping at Lake Paris. Both Mike and you said it was a mountain lake. Lake Paris is not in the mountains. Elevation approximately 1,600 feet. Located near Marino Valley, more desert than mountains. All right, Dave O. Thank you, Dave. Maybe I just said that because I didn't want any of the freaks going out to try to meet my daughter.

I think I admitted I had never heard of Lake Paris, but I guessed that it was one of our fabulous mountain lakes and I guess I was right obviously I was wrong but I'm I'd like to hear from Jojo how much water was in this desert lake if it is in fact a desert lake because all of them are below 50% oh no I saw a picture of them in the water

and you could see how far out the shore was but she loved it she said it was a great lake good setup they had tons of space Now you've called it a Great Lake. Okay. It's a great lake. Tour dates coming up.

Pittsburgh Improv coming this weekend, July 24th and 25th. Then I'll be in St. Pete's at the Joke World Festival, August 14th and 15th. Cincinnati and Columbus, Ohio at the end of August. And then Vancouver, La Jolla, Batavia, Illinois, Toronto. Go to Fitzdog.com. Pick up some tickets, come out and see some live comedy. Are you ready for corrections? Oh, no, we did it. Are you ready for ads? Oh, also, we always want to thank Gotham Production Studios for their fine work.

And if you're looking to get a podcast going in New York City, they are the place to go. DM me. I'll give you the information. Ads. Let's talk about that this episode is sponsored by Kalshi, the largest prediction market in the United States. And I talked about how into the World Cup I've got. Cal she's a big part of that. It's the mention predictions that we make where they give you a list of words that may or may not be said by the announcer. But also you're taking a position on whether or not a team will win. You can do all kinds of separate positions about how many goals will be scored, who will score more goals. it's really fun. It keeps you involved

and you can make your, you can change your predictions throughout the game depending on if things are shifting in your mind. Right now, Spain is trying to win its first World Cup. Argentina, messy, we talked about.

So you're not playing against the house. You buy a yes or no contract and whether something will happen and you're competing against other players. So public opinion sets the price. Argentina versus a Spain. Your prediction. So right now, Spain is trading at 58%. So if I take the Argentina position,

I get better odds. So I'm going to go heavy into Argentina. I think they're going to win this. $10 would equal $23 if you predict Argentina. All right. I'm going to, I'm going to predict with $100. For whom? Argentina. Yeah, because 100 is only 165 if you predict Spain. Yeah. But there's a lot of fun stuff on there that you can predict.

Download the Kalshi app and use code soccer 10, the number 10. To get $10, when you trade $10, you can also sign up at calci.com slash R slash soccer 10. which automatically applies the code. That's K-A-L-S-H-I-K-K-S-H-I. K-H-I. Trade what's next. And then we got Zock-D-O-C. What a name.

Z-K-D-C. This episode is sponsored by them. It's such a pain in the ass. I get intimidated by even the idea of making a doctor's appointment. It's going to be, you know, it's going to take phone calls, sit on hold. You have to give them all your information. All they want. want to hear about, of course, is insurance for way too long.

And then when I finally get around to calling, they text me the available appointment is in three months. So now the minor problem I ignored has an entire season to develop a personality. Dead. You're dead. Doc. Doc lets you search and compare local in-network doctors without making a dozen phone calls. Their website has tons of reviews from real patients and detailed doctor profiles.

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your to-do list. That's ZOC, do-com slash papers. There we go. Good, solid read from Mike Gibbons, like a broadcaster. Zuck, Doc, babe. All right, let's get to the front page. Do we need a wrinkled paper? I have a bag. Okay. I like yours better. You do? All right. That sounded crisp. Let me find a crisper one. This one is, uh, all right, this is a list of old jokes that I don't need. I'm sure they were better than the ones coming up. Here we go. The White House, speaking of one of our sponsors,

the White House teleprompter operator made predictions on Trump's speeches, Kalshie says. A White House teleprompter operator used his position and placed $100,000 predictions on what President Trump would say in his speeches. It was the latest accusation that someone, had used inside information to make a profit on a prediction market like Kalshi. In this case, Kalshi said Gabriel Perez, a technical assistant to Mr. Trump, had placed predictions on common words that would appear in the president's speeches, such as country names and economic terms.

In March, when Kalsh's surveillance systems flagged some of Mr. Perez's trades, the company froze the funds in his account and referred the case to the commodity. Futures Trading Commission, the Federal Agency that regulates prediction markets. How about that? Well, I would say if Trump made predictions himself on what he would say he would actually lose. He would be wrong. Yeah. I think you're right.

He has no idea what's going to come out of his mouth. It's also, to give him, in his defense, the Trump administration, it's a little, tough to predict things. Like this week, would you have predicted that a president would charge Americans to hear government policies faster than Americans who do not pay an extra fee? I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't know if Biden or Obama asked us to pay to hear big government policy decisions at the

time American decisions were actually being made. What do you mean? I don't understand. they're charging us. They, do you really not understand the story? No. Trump is now going to charge people who use his platform, truth social. They will see information about America's policies before other people do.

It's like a sneak peek. No way. I am not kidding Imagine if Biden or Obama did that I mean It's like this make This is a piece of garbage country Does this let people get on Kalshi and make bets

It makes his investors He's doing it for his investors Who won an early edge Because he's been so accused of He People on his inner circle have bet money on on policies.

They've bet on the stock market. Right. And they've invested because they know what he's going to say before he says it to the public. So now Trump's like, wow, that's kind of cool. I should charge for that information. But can you imagine

farmers who are waiting on these policy announcements that affect them? They have to wait until rich people get the news first through a membership. Oh my God. It's how would you? you predict that? How would you predict that? You know what? By the way, I saw somebody do a Trump impression last night. Stop. It's been done. You're all doing the same impression. It's an easy impression. Literally, anybody can do it. It's going to get a big laugh. It's a cheap laugh.

It's to stop. Just stop. Yeah. I want to try. Trump to stop doing an impression of himself. Let's talk about daylight savings. Okay, I saw this story. So, wow, a lot of debate. So what permanent daylight savings time would look like in your state, and they have a list, and we're going to go through some of them.

But the House on Tuesday passed a measure known as the Sunshine Protection Act that would set our clocks to daylight savings time permanently if it clears the Senate and is signed into law by President Trump. The Sunshine Protection Act would require states to observe year-round daylight savings time unless they exempt themselves before it takes effect. Presumably only two states are exempt so far, Hawaii and parts of Arizona, that do not change their clocks twice a year. Both states observe standard time, the time we observe from November to March. It's the sunrises and sunsets from November through February that would be noticeably different. winter sunsets in much of the U.S. would occur after 5 p.m., a huge improvement for those who experienced sunsets at four now. Sunrises, though, this is where it gets tricky, would largely

happen after 8 a.m., and in some areas, after 9 a.m. So, in L.A., for example, the earliest, I think, sunrise would be 6.59. and the latest would be 7.59. New York, the earliest would be 720. The latest New York sunrise for a few months would be 8.20 a.m. Yeah, see, in New York, that's bad because a lot of the drunks, you know, the bars are 24 hours and they go home when the sun comes up. Now they're coming home at 8.000.

And people were going to whine a lot. But it really is only, it is an hour more, obviously, than if we change the clocks. So that's what we're talking about. But it's also the sun's going down later. So now I feel it's more time that I feel guilty that I didn't go out in the sunshine and do something today. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's so early.

Like, anyway. But I used to sleep on my school bus every single morning on the way to school. So I'd like it dark. I would have loved it dark. I used to jerk off. Then everyone on your bus would have loved it dark. Exactly. Exactly.

This is the best argument for this so far. Masturbating teenagers will be seen less. I think you probably did it on the afternoon bus. I did. It was the afternoon bus. So you don't want this change. You want it dark early. Well, the thing is the morning bus was packed,

but then after school, a lot of people were playing sports. so the bus would be like two-thirds empty. So I could grab a seat in the back row. Play pocket pool. And yeah, just get it done. The Trump administration on Wednesday replaced an exhibit on slavery at the site of President George Washington's home in Philadelphia with a version that historians say whitewashes the nation's history.

The term whitewash literally applies here. Yeah. The new exhibit was installed in the state. same area where the Declaration of Independence was adopted on July 4th, 1776. Overnight, under the cover of darkness, the federal government removed panels at the president's house that told a thorough history of Philadelphia. It was allowed to do this by the decision of the federal court, but that it did so at night shows it understands this action is shameful that it violates community trust. The original panels were put in place in 2010

and told the story of how nine slaves lived in the home, along with George and Martha Washington in the 1790s, when Philly was the Capitol. Now, it makes me wonder, are they going to put statues of the 73 Mexicans that have been worked to death on the lawn at Marilago, the Greenskeepers and the maids and the busboys? I don't know. I don't think they will.

Under darkness, I wonder if they wore blackface while doing it. So they wouldn't be caught. Yeah. Right. Right. This administration does a lot of things at night. That's never a good sign in a democracy. Lots of people with masks, unmarked cars, lots of redactions on documents.

A lot of people taking the fifth. Isn't this the administration that's supposed to be proud of all their achievements? The proud boys? But then why is the press no longer allowed in the Pentagon? where's the Epstein files? There you, there's the question. But this is so Philadelphia, they also, under darkness in the middle of the night, changed Smoking Joe Frazier Boulevard, which is real, to Sylvester Stallone Way.

Is that true? No, that is not true. Smoking Joe Frazier Boulevard. But, of course, I'm playing on that there is a statue of Rocky as Bill Burr so famously pointed out. And not one of the greatest boxers of all time, Joe Frazier, who is a Philly native son.

You're right. Well, you know? The U.S. military will begin testing the testosterone levels of some service members and recommending hormone therapy if needed, defense Secretary Pete Hegson said. Under the supervision of our

world-class medical professionals, war fighters age 30 and older are going to be tested annually as part of their periodic health assignment. Hegseth said in a video posted to X, captioned the high T. Department of War. Is he think he's a Marvel comic strip, the Defense Department at this point? He framed the annual screening test as part of it is. He framed the annual screening test as part of an investment in, quote, the individual war fighter and called the service members, quote,

our most decisive tactical advantage. He argued that it was a sacred duty to keep the advantage, explaining that the department looks for ways to improve service members' health and performance. The Defense Department declined to say whether there would be estrogen screenings for female service members. Or poppers for gay service members.

Don't ask, don't tell about the poppers. Just don't. It seems like if there's one thing these guys are not short on, it's testosterone. I think, you know, maybe we need some melatonin introduced into their diet. Well, the other thing I'm thinking about, who is more agro-jacked and ready to kill someone than a guy who can't get it up? Don't we want those vicious bastards on the front line? The ones with the low T-count? Yeah.

The low testosterone? Yeah, we want in cells. Just back, just sperm backed up into their small intestine because they haven't fucked a girl in their lives. Also, Hexed can't even help himself. Does anything sound gayer than high tea? Are there going to be fingersand sandwiches, Archibald? He's going to ring a little bell to call them into battle. 4 p.m.

Why do they need shots? Can they just give them each a premium subscription to Andrew Tate's podcast? There it is. There it comes you to stuff. Start abusing women. Yeah. Get it going, people. All right.

Let's get to an ethical question here. I think it's about time. I've got several. Oh. Okay. First one is you can save five strangers or one person you love. What's it going to be? Oh, yeah, it depends when you ask me that question.

Sometimes I'm just like, man, you know what? I'll keep this short, but I just found, I stumbled upon my algorithm, these AI created histories. It's, this is an unprecedented stretch of peace that we've been spoiled with. The whole world just fights each other. constantly. Oh my God. I saw the history. I probably watched me. Meanwhile, I've like watched 11 minutes of it. But I did see a lot. And the history of Mexico is, and the Incas is bonkers. Cortez's troops, when they retreated and walked out, keeping in mind Mexico City was an island.

There's the last thing I'll say. It was an island. They walked out on the dead bodies. They didn't have to use the causeway. They could walk out on the dead bodies. So at that point, I'd just say, I'm saving a loved one. The five strangers, they're going to die anyway. How did you bring Cortez into this? That was a real, that was some good gymnastics. Cortez, the killer is going to get the other five, is my point.

It's going to happen. I think I'd want to know a little bit about the five people, you know, because you know a lot about your loved one. Is it like lowercase loved? Is it italicized loved one like a cousin? Yeah. Speaking of which, your daughter just texted me before the podcast. And it was a picture of her with the t-shirt on, with my face on it that you wore to my birthday party.

You got it, pal. She asked. I told her I'll give you five bucks for every person that recognizes me when you walk down the street. She asked for a comfortable t-shirt. And I said, well, this one's close. cozy, but it might also make you uncomfortable. Yeah. Okay, I'll give you one.

I got a bunch, but I'm just going to give you one other one. Okay. You're offered total certainty about what happens after you die. Do you take it? Yeah, I don't care. Nothing's going to happen to me. What do you mean? You think you just die and everything ceases?

Yeah, I mean everything else. is just a superstition or a theory, of course. Yeah, that's all that happens. So wait, what do I win? Do I win something? You win total consciousness, yes. Oh, great. I want that.

It's like, remember in Caddyshack, when Bill Murray's like, the Dalai Lama told him when he dies, he will receive total consciousness. So I got that going for me, which is nice. I used to know, what was the thing? Yumba, goo-go.

You know what he said? Oh, yeah. Gunga. Gunga. Yeah, yeah, I can't remember. God damn it. That's a perfect example of the things that fade. Like, I used to know that through and through.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember Goonigoo, what's that from? Name that quote. Oh, come on, Eddie Murphy, man, the picnic. There you go. No, that I know. All right, let's get to entertainment. Vivian!

Entertainment, Nolan's Odyssey. Christopher Nolan's film, The Odyssey, scores 96% on Ron Tomatoes. So, neither of us have seen it. We're not going to talk about it. But that was a big headline, and it was really as if it was imparting this huge news. Keep in mind, how to train your dragon has 98% on Ron Tomatoes.

And crazy, just to get a little less excited, crazy rich Asians, which might be the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen, is 91% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's one of the worst movies I've ever seen. So that is going to help things when you see. Could the Odyssey also be called Crazy Asians? Technically, were they, I mean, Asia Minor? Asia Minor, Persia? I think they've got pretty good...

Here come the corrections. They got a pretty good book to work off of with The Odyssey. I mean, I'm surprised it took this long to do it, but there's been so much hype. 60 minutes did a whole piece on the filming of it, the whole idea that's only on IMAX. And so I'm glad it's good because we kind of need a big good summer movie. No, we do. I want a reason to go to the movie for sure. Spellberg's who's gotten such mixed,

I thought it was going to go see Spielbergs. I saw it. And? It was good. It wasn't great. It was good. I don't need that. But the thing is, I think it's hard to get tickets to the Odyssey

because it's only playing in IMAX theaters. And I think it's sold out for like a month. So stay with me. Asia Minor. I'm just going to try to head off some corrections to the past. Asia Minor is now Turkey Generally But it did just give me an idea

Instead of crazy rich Asians What about where I said Crazy Asians could be the title of the Odyssey I want to see a movie called Crazy Asian Miners I've seen that one I've seen that a lot Yes

That would bring people to see it That would get some people Some eyeballs Crazy Asian miners. Now we're talking. Let's get to Make America, Florida. Here we go. Squeeze what?

A Florida woman is the talk of her town with a racy license plate she got in the mail. A South Florida woman was surprised to receive a new license plate with her vehicle registration renewal that she feels carries an inappropriate message. Nancy, who is almost 77 years old, open her mail to find a license plate reading, SQZ, then space, and then A55. So for you listening, it's SQZ squeeze, and A55 looks like ACE. She told CBS News, Miami.

You just said Ace. Well, because I'm kind of playing with the word. I don't know if we're going to get kicked off the algorithm. You're saying ass? I don't know. See, I just said Asian minors. I think they're still listening. Yeah, yeah. She told CBS News that the plate, which can be interpreted to spell out a crude phrase, see, they won't even say it, caused her to go ballistic.

I don't think a senior, she said, who is almost 77, will be driving around with a plate that has that to say. The plate has become a topic of conversation at a retirement community where opinions are split. She is unhappy with the configuration. She noted, however, that others, including her sons and their friends, have encouraged her to keep it. She said the current tally is 16 to 1

in favor of her keeping the plate. Make that 17. Yeah. Where is she? What's that a retirement place called? The century, The Century Village? Yeah, I forget the name.

Oh, the one where they're all swingers? They're all squeezing her ass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Pulling her over. I mean, if you squeeze somebody's ass who's 77 years old, you're going to, it's more of a pinch because squeezing entails the flesh staying firm. I guess you're right.

There has to be a little, the villages. The village is. It has to be a little pushback. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, look, I'm all for it. I think if she had a sense of humor, she wouldn't even be hesitating right now. When I was in high school,

my friend Frank Moretti, his grandmother, wanted us to drive her Cadillac from New York down to Florida, where she spent the winters. And the license plate said, Auntie Deer on it. The husband had gotten that person. So we're driving and we're in this badass Cadillac Fleetwood.

Me and Frank, you know, we got a case of beers. We're smoking cigarettes. And we're driving and we get down to Georgia and we're going through a toll booth in Georgia. And we pull up and we look at the guy thinking we're badasses and he goes, Auntie Deere. And we just started laughing. We laughed for like two states. That's fine.

Remember Pete Scott had the license. Here's a trivia question. What was Pete Scott's license plate on his? I don't know. It wasn't a Cadillac, but it was a big-ass car. It was brown. I know what it was. What was it?

Doak. Yep. D-O-K-E, which is never caught on. But for some reason, that was in the vernacular of him and his brothers. And Doak was like a hot chick was a doke. But it also started. it to become a verb because you could say you doked somebody. Right.

And then also as an adjective, she's doke. Huh. Yeah, he used to use it in a weird way. Yeah. I'm trying to find my license plate. I have a picture of it. But anyway, we've told this story numerous times on the podcast, but I had body and trunk abbreviated on my 66 Cadillac.

Did you really? Come on, Greg. I mean, everyone listening is like, Greg, he's told you this story 20 times. Oh, my God. I don't remember that. B, D, N, Y, T, R, N, K. And then, so I tried when I ordered it. Anyway, the story is, I go to the woman.

I'm like, yeah, like, like a custom plate or vanity plate. She's like, sure, what do you want? I'm like, B, D, like, Y, N, T, R, N, K. And she's like, a no, honey. No. And I'm like, I go, what do you mean? And she goes, body and trunk. I'm like, what?

No. I'm like, no, no, no. I go, and I had to do quick math. I'm like, five of us or whatever it was went in on this. Those are our initials. She's like, those are the initials. What are the names? I'm like, Billy Davidson, Nancy.

So I literally came up with names on the fly. If she had asked me to repeat them, there's no way I would have remembered what names I said. You should have told me this story before. This is a great story. Oh my God, you're pathetic. It's ridiculous. No, the best thing about my brain is I'm constantly reliving life like it's fresh and new. Every time I have sex with my wife, it's like I've never been with her before.

Oh, my God. Well, it's also because it's so long until she lets you throw a move on her. All right, let me see, wait, hold on. I'm going to find this goddamn picture. I'll tell you this. Go ahead. While you're scrambling, here are some other funny ones I found online. line. C student somebody had. And you know on like a Ferrari it says C student. And then on another

nice car it said buy 401k, B.Y.E. 401k. What is that about? Oh, I found it. There's my catalog. Yeah. There is the license plate. Wow. Here's the wide shot of the Caddu. That was vicious, man. You went in that, didn't you? What kind of Cadillac was? Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that now.

Six, Coup de Ville. And amazing and so modern. And I had a ski rack on it, which is crazy. But I would have people on, like, the LIE, honking and pointing and dying laughing at the license plate. That's great. Which was a little bit of a thinker. There was something wrong with you if you put together.

That's spelled. body and trunk. Yes. But it was pretty great. Let's make America's South Africa again. Here we go. This was sent into us. I apologize.

I didn't grab your name from the email, but Greg forwarded it to me. Employee who trained dog to bite black people loses labor court battle after dismissal for racism. The legal battle involved full circle contact center service. this company trading as whatever, and its former team leader, Sean. Sean was dismissed in April 23, following a series of serious complaints from his team members regarding racially discriminatory remarks and unprofessional behavior. During his employment as team leader, overseeing roughly 15 call center agents,

several team members raised explicit grievances regarding his conduct, the formal discipline, Chargers revealed deeply problematic actions. I'm almost done. It's worth it. Keep listening to what I'm about to read. Among the details brought to light, Williamson openly discussed possible team-building activities, but stated his team could not meet at his house because his dog, named Hitler, was specifically trained to bark at and bite black people. He further recounted finding it amusing when the same dog chased a black child in the street. Wow.

Now, what about the dog? I mean, everybody's putting so much, you know, focus on Sean Williams. And what about this fucking dog? He's kind of an asshole. I mean, what German Shepherds must have been like, guys, Jews are our thing. Like, what do you, 1960s America? What are you doing to us? You're right.

It's against our breeding and training. This is confusing. It is confusing. And, you know, and I think it's, it is upon the dog's consciousness, though, to just say, you know, I'd say this. No, I'm not going to say this. Go ahead. I was going to talk about a friend of ours who's racist saying something. And I don't, I don't even want to repeat.

He's no longer my friend because of what he, what he said. Well, a friend of ours has a. dog of this kind and it is terrifying and he will sometimes bring it to places I've worked before and it's one of those you know how you are around a dog you can't trust which only makes it worse like they say that dogs sense fear I think they sense bad acting because what all the only thing I'm doing when I'm around a dog I'm afraid of is like just be cool I'm cool hey dog how are you I'm And the thing must be like, what is up with this guy? Yeah.

Yeah. Like, that is the most unnatural I've seen a human being in a while. And the dog's right. I'm being completely unnatural. I'm trying to mask my fear. No, Dennis's dog, I went to the paddle tennis courts. He had a dog a long time ago. I'm not talking about any of our friends on the west side, by the way.

Go ahead. But Dennis's dog, I get nervous in front of dogs, and his dog sensed it and fucking snapped at me. And Dennis was like, he's like, dude, my dog has never. done that before. I was just putting out some bad energy. I can imagine some of our friends, especially our friends who foster dogs thinking, I'm talking about them. This is someone in the hills, not someone whose house I go over to over here. I'm not afraid of any of my friend's dogs. By the way, speaking of black people and dogs, do you remember the rumble in the jungle when Foreman and Ali went over to what country was it in Africa? Zaire, I think. Okay, I think. I think

that's right. So they go to Zaire and George Foreman shows like, first of all Ali was a fucking hero. He was a, you know, he was a black Muslim and he was very outspoken on black rights and so he came there and they kept chanting. I was like Ali Kumbaya or something or Kumbaya. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

then George Foreman shows up and he's got his fucking two German shepherds with him which famously were used by who I guess the Dutch to subjugate whichever European country colonized them. For South African racial suppression, yes. Oppression, yeah. Well, it wasn't South Africa.

It was Zaire. Oh, Zaire. But yeah, but like, so their hatred for Foreman just like tripled. Of course, also like because he's like the underdog, Ali. And then Foreman was not the George Foreman we know for the second half of his life. he was mean. Yeah, yeah, he was mean. Yeah.

So, all right, let's get to science. Here you go, pal. I saw this story, a meteorite that slammed into a New Jersey home may solve mystery of life on Earth. On a July afternoon in 2024, a homeowner in Hillsborough, New Jersey, heard a thunderous crash. Walking into the master bedroom, they found a hole punch through the ceiling. black debris scattered across the bed and carpet and a sharp rotten egg smell hanging in the air. A rock from space had just made an unannounced house call. Scientists have identified the space rock now named the Hillsborough meteorite as a rare

and remarkably well-preserved piece of primitive asteroid. Locked inside it is something never before confirmed in this kind of space rock. Evidence of ancient salt water and with it amino acids, the building blocks of life. The discovery points to liquid water once flowing through the interior of the asteroid from which this meteorite came from, driving the kind of chemistry that may have helped seed life on early Earth. For researchers who study how life began, this is a huge deal. Wow, that's amazing. It might not have been like preserved as well as it could because it also, they found on it, Mountain Dew and Axe Body Spray. which they have identified as New Jersey substances.

Yeah. Was there copper tone on there? Just a little cum also. I thought that's what you're going to say. Yeah, that's hilarious. Boy, that's kind of a big deal. Jesus. Yeah.

I mean, it's basically a block of the beginnings of life. If that exists in an environment that is conductive to life, beginning, like in terms of the temperature and distance from the sun or their sun. That's wild. Another blow to our Santa Claus in the sky who created everything. Yeah. Although, of course, what they say is he created the asteroid. That's what they say that God did?

Well, that's what happens as they keep falling back for centuries over their, over their truths. Yeah. They're like, oh, right, right, right. Or, you know, listen, it's mysterious ways, man. Well, you better hope there's nothing afterlife because the way you talk about God, I don't think he's got wonderful plans for you in the afterlife. No, of course, because he's all loving. He's all, I would have proved it.

I prove it twice. I prove it now. And then when I see the bastard and he's a terrible person who would want me to suffer forever. And he made me. He made this. He made this attitude. That is amazing sometimes when I think about how most people think about themselves and feel about themselves and fear life,

that there's a God that set us up to go through life this way, you know? Well, not only that. And then when you try to do some mental gymnastics to feel better about yourself, you're like, well, at least I'm not a child with worms burrowing through its eyes, which he also made. Yeah. So there's that. So feel better.

Well, Mike, you are fucked. Let's also get into the air quality in New York right now, hit its worst levels in three years as smoke from Canadian wildfires hits its thickest point over the tri-state area. It's considered, quote, very unhealthy levels. With the AQI levels hitting above 230, these will cause health issues for everyone, especially sensitive groups like older adults, children with medical conditions, heart disease, lung asthma.

So my mother-in-law, who just lost her partner, has bad asthma. She already uses inhaler every day, and she's in New York with my wife right now. So I hope she's got masks and I hope she's staying inside or I hope she's got the will together. I mean, I hope she's doing good. Yeah, my daughter just flew in from New York. it's bad. Did she say it was bad? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all saying it. And it's weird looking. I'm going there in three days on Monday. Guess who I'm interviewing on Tuesday while I'm there. Mom Donnie. Louis C.K. Oh, so close. That's going to be a great podcast. And then I'm doing, yeah, I'm doing a couple shows. And then I'm going to be in New York for five days during all.

this smoke. And I have asthma. I will bring my inhaler for this. It can clear in a day, by the way. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's just wind shift or something happens with the fire, but mostly a wind shift. Or we just fucking nuke Canada. Maybe we just get rid of Canada. Bring your masks, by the way. Yeah. All right. Let's get to this day. Yeah, let's get to this day. I'll skip the letters for right now. All right, good, good, good. Here we go. This day. Where are we?

Okay, full disclosure. I didn't have a lot of time to read it. But here we go. I think we did Walter Concrete. Croncite? Croncite. It's when he died. Yeah, we did do Walter Cronk.

Well, we did his last when he signed off. But this is when he died. We won't do it anyway. Here's a fun one. Disneyland. An amusement park featuring attractions based on the creations of Walt Disney opened in Anaheim, California. So it's not Disney World, it's Disneyland in Anaheim, opened on what year on this day, give or take, seven years? I feel like it was during the roaring 20s.

It was after World War I. I'm going to say 1925. Good guess. 1995. No. Yeah, do you think Mickey Mouse and all that was that big by the 20s? Yeah, I felt it was like silly little pictures of Disney. Oh, wow.

All right. Well, I remember, wasn't Disney like a Nazi apologist? Uh, he, there is something about that. I want to be careful with your words. Uh, so let's move on to the baseball. Black Sox trial. The trial began on this day in what year this is the eight Chicago White Sox players

accused of accepting bribes on Kalshi to intentionally throw off predictions on the 1990. Oh no. Ah, you suck. I was just going to say 1922. You would have gotten it, 1921. I would have given you that.

All right. Actually, you only said 19. I don't think you said anything after 19. I said 199 before I cut myself off. It was 1919, World Series. Okay. Okay. All right.

I mean, this is, I'm going to give you, I guess I have to give you four years. Okay. Nadia Cominichie scored a perfect 10 on this day in what year? 1976. In the Olympics, nailed it. Okay. Okay.

Man. All right, American baseball player, Ty Cobb, collected his 4,000th career hit early in the season. On this day, in what year, give or take 10 years? I know you're not good with Ty Cobb. He was a famous racist. 1950? More famous for baseball, but I'll give you that, too. Yeah.

Well, wait, what did you say? I said 1950. No, 1927. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. John Glenn, he's the first U.S. astronaut to orbit Earth. He completed three orbits.

I'm not going to tell you what year. But what year was he born in Ohio, give or take 10 years, John Glenn? Well, let's say that the, the moon landing was 69, so the orbiting must have been in the mid to late 6th. I'm going to say 65. He was probably 25, so he was probably born in 1940. You know, I love all your math, and this is what's shocking about it.

John Glenn was born in 1921. So he was 41 years old when he orbited the moon? 46 years old. But everyone knows he was six years old when Ty Cobb hit his 4,000th hit. So you should have known. That's right. Well, he was upset about the White Sox scandal. It's all his father talked about.

Okay, here we go. And I'll give you a clue on this one. The English novelist Jane Austen, author of Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice. She died in Winchester, Hampshire when she, boy, she was prolific. And she did not procrastinate because she died when she was 41 years old. What year did she die, give her take 30 years? 1890. 1817.

No. Yeah. Early stuff. She wasn't even alive when Ty Cobb got his first hit. Damn. She had no sense that there would be a scandal in the 1919 World Series. She had no sense of it. Okay, here's an easy one end on.

Your friend, John Hamm, relatively unknown actor, all of a sudden got a role in a show called Man Men, and that show debuted on this day in what year, give or take, three years. I remember Aaron watching the first season. It was a problem. I was out and I came into the hotel room and she was half undressed on the bed watching John Hamm and she fell in love with them. And we were in San Francisco. I was doing a show.

We already lived in L.A. So it was after 2000. I'm going to say 2009. Nailed it, kid, 2007. There we go. Did I ever tell you my John Hamm story? You have a million of them. You know what at the party?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're going to tell it. All right. So, Sarah Silverman has this party every year. So we're at the party and I'm with my wife. And as I said, she is absolutely. She is not the kind of person that, like, has crushes on celebrities, but he is truly her, like, hall pass.

And so I'm talking to her and our other friend, uh, forget which friend we were with. And, uh, all of a sudden. she looks over my shoulder and she goes John Ham just walked in John Ham's at the party and John Ham walks towards us and she's getting more and more nervous and then he walks up to me and he goes

Greg and he gives me a big hug and as he's hugging me I'm locking eyes with her and I'm looking at her like what the fuck who what and then he pulls back and he sees me looking at him like that and he goes you don't remember me I go I'm sorry man did we meet

And he goes, John, we used to hang out at the improv with Julie Grossberg and Sarah back in like the 90s. I was like, he was a fucking waiter there. I was like, what? That's you? You're the same, John? And so we ended up becoming friends again. And like he did my podcast a bunch of times. And you and I hung out with him at Zach's house.

Yeah, I did a podcast with you recently. Yeah. Serious. And then he hugged Aaron and Aaron's water broke, which was weird because she was. wasn't pregnant. I know. It wasn't water. She was squirting. Oh, I guess it was spelled out. Okay. All right. All right. Let's get back to this thing. Let's get to do we don't have any obituary. Absolutely nobody died last. Well, I should say Johnny Weiss. Let me give an obituary for Johnny White. Okay, you're going to do that. I have to get a glass of water. My voice is right. Go do it.

So I know Johnny. Love Johnny. Reads the menu very close to his face. Yes, he does. So Johnny was not married. I shouldn't say. He's my stepfather because he was with my stepmother for 45 years. And they lived next door to each other on the Upper West Side of New York. And for 45 years, they would meet downstairs. And then they would walk to a restaurant and they'd have a nice dinner. And they'd walk home and they would go back to their separate apartments, which were next door to each other. And they had this great relationship.

And he was a character. He was a, he did, he was a lawyer. and he did legal services for the elderly. So he worked for old people that were being evicted, basically, for 50 years. And he was a philosopher and he was a novelist and he was a very interesting guy. And we were very close to him. My son was especially close to him. And anyway, he died suddenly and we say goodbye to a loved one today, Johnny Weiss.

I'm back. I missed it. Did you, you probably made a joke way. Where's Johnny? Where's Johnny? Also, we are being made aware right now that Sam Neal died. Did you know Sam Neal died? Oh, you know, I posted this great thing.

Yeah, Sam Neal, it's one of those guys who dies and are like, yeah, this is affecting. I never thought I would ever be affected like by his death. But anyway, especially more and more of the interviews and more and more of the celebrities and what they're saying about him. he was like really a great guy I posted if there's some interview he did and I think he was with kids who were afflicted with some they're either very much on the spectrum and anyway this sweet little girl and it was a very touching clip anyway go look for it who asked him the biggest thing he could be grateful to his parents for like what's the greatest gift kind of his parents gave him and he got very, very choked up.

And it was just anyway, cool to see. But yeah, he died and apparently he was a great guy. Yeah, and I mean, everybody knows him from Jurassic Park, but that was kind of a nice little dessert on a great career. Because, I mean, that's where you make the big money. When you do four sequels of a blockbuster, like that's crazy. crazy money. But he, you know, along the way, he did A Hunt for Red October, the piano, so many great movies.

And he was from Ireland, from Northern Ireland. Nice. Yeah. And he was married to Noriko Watanabe. I don't know who the hell that is. Seems to be a big deal. Well, is that why he was in a Watanabe movie? Oh, there you go.

if that's the same family. Also, we're leaving out Lindsay Graham died and is in heaven right now just jerking everybody off. Whoa. Free at last. Yeah. Who knew?

What a bad guy. Anyway, let's cheer up and go to the funnies. And according to you, he's in heaven. Every week we do the com. Crinkle. Every week we do the comedy caption contest where we give you one frame of a comic. You guys come up with punchlines.

You email them to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. You put your name directly underneath your joke. We pick some of the favorites. Read them. Select a winner and that person is given something. Something. We'll figure it out. Yeah.

But honor. They're given a lot of honor for now. We'll figure that out also. All right. Last week's comic was a snow woman laying on her back in a doctor's office. The doctor is standing by her feet, a la somebody giving birth. And I actually didn't point this out last week. I didn't notice this, but he has like a little snowball in his hands.

And then the male snowman is standing up, smiling, looking at the doctor who's talking. So she looks like she's just given birth to a snowball. I'm going to skip that one. Flesh Tree says, congratulations, it's a boy. So we usually melt the tip. Okay. Pete Cooper says, For unto you is born this day in a city of Winnipeg, a savior,

which is Chip's hard puddled junior. I just read that because it was so weird. A lot of details. Ryan Falsh said, again, Mr. and Mrs. Snow, I'm sorry. I threw your last child at you. That's pretty good. That's kind of funny. Stephen Mann, Graham said,

Now we'll just let it sit in the sun for a while and that'll complete the abortion. Okay, Stephen. Big Stu said, you can tell it's a boy because of the snowballs. All right Donahue said Congratulations It's called Black Ice And it happens when

And then the snowman father says Yeah it happens when your wife Is still banging her ex-boyfriend Tyrone Oh I didn't even see it continued I thought you were making that up No That's a conversation

It's a whole play Sure is Um Albert said If it's any consolation the children's ward will get snow cones today. Cameron said, there are things we can do to tighten things back up, right?

You can pack some more snow in there, I guess. So no recognition that there's snowmen? Well, it's just a birth? Yeah. Okay. No, but I think it's kind of funny to think you could just put snow in her vagina and tighten it up. Oh, I thought that's what you said. No.

Oh, this is another conversation? No, no, no, that's what I said. Cameron said there are things we can do to snow. The Papa says there are things we can do to tighten things back up, right? Right. That's what I mean. He just wrote about a regular birth. Yeah, but I think it leaves the possibility open in your mind that they're going to pack snow into her pussy.

Okay. Got it. All right, Mike, you don't seem overwhelmed by any of them. There was one you chuckled at them. What was one we thought? Through your last child at you, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I like that one a lot.

Ryan Fulch, congratulations. You're the winner of this week's comedy caption contest. We will be sending you maybe a certificate. We're working on these certificates. I think that's a nice thing. You'll get a picture of your comic with your caption and your name. And maybe somebody will sign it. knows. I mean, the possibilities are ending. They're endless. Oh. Next week's comic is a gentleman

sitting at a gas station. He is facing the pump sitting on a stool and he has the actual pump in his hand, which is still attached to the side of the big box unit that you, that is the gas pump. The pump? He's got the nozzle, I should say, in his hand. Yeah. as if it is a slot machine and there's a guy standing behind him and the guy sitting at the slot machine which is really a gas pump is talking to the other guy there you have it okay let's get to the pros how do you think a gas pump works what do you don't think there's a there's there's no electricity there right yes of course there's electricity you think or you think it's just opening a valve which creates

the flow, which creates the meter reading it. Well, the gas is going upward, so wouldn't that mean that it needs some sort of power source to push it up? It can have a power source earlier in the operation. I'm saying the handle, I don't think has power. No, I think the handle's just mechanical, and I think the pump has electricity. Okay, good. Here's Hager the Harrible, and you all understand why I read it when I read it.

So the squire is talking to the king, and Hager is standing there, and he points to Hager, and he goes, Sire, Haggerd leaked the notes for your upcoming speech on excessive greed. And the king says, so what? I'm proud of that speech. Hager goes, the notes were written on the back of your bank statements. Isn't this kind of present about the whole Kalshi thing with the Trump teleprompter guy? Maybe, maybe. It's exactly that.

It's exactly that. Yeah. So weird. Okay, you're not blown away. I can never tell if you're reading something on your phone. No, no, no, I'm reading this because the first frame is about that. Then they make it different. Right.

I'm just talking about the first frame. It's just the first frame. Yeah. Striking. And then let's get to the lockhorns. Loretta is. looking at a mannequin in a bikini who has a smoking hot body, but she's holding her kind of rotund belly. And Leroy says to his friend, when it comes to new swimsuits, Loretta can barely contain

herself. Jesus. There is a fucking gut punch. Yeah, I'd say. I don't know if you need the word new. Maybe it's just swimsuits, but yeah, I see. Yeah. That's really, it doesn't seem to like her sometimes. No, Blondie? No, none of them were good. I'm not gonna,

I'm not gonna bring forth the Blondie if the whole week was about Dagwood at the diner, Dagwood at work, the Bumstead kids talking to each other about social media. Where the fuck is Blondie? In Blondie?

Yeah, no joke. So I guess I have an onion we'll go out on. Okay, let's do it. Here we go. Let me get off the picture of my Caddo and get over to here we. Holy crap. And we got an onion by a hail.

And just a picture of a dude. You don't need to see it. And it says, man who bought Odyssey ticket year ahead, correctly assumed he wouldn't have anything going on. That's good. Yeah. You know, our good friend Mike Lawrence, who's one of the first. of the best joke writers in the business. Oh, I love my.

I love my. I wrote on a sitcom with him. He writes for everything. Anyway, we were working on crashing in New York, and we were there for like three months doing punch-up on the set. It was just me and him. And then he bought tickets to the Avengers, the original Avengers movie. He bought the tickets like four months in advance.

He is a self-described giant nerd. especially for superhero movies. So we go to this theater in Brooklyn, and there's like four or five of us from the show, and he got the tickets. And it's opening night, and we walk in, and he's got a backpack.

And we sit in our seats, and I go, oh, I'm sitting next to Mike. So I sit next to Mike. He unzips his JanSport backpack, and he starts pulling out action figures. And he has the action figure for every, What were there like nine Avengers, nine superheroes in the movie?

He had every one of them, and he placed them on the armrests by his feet in his lap and proceeded to watch the movie and cry pretty loudly twice during the film. He is the sweetest guy ever, and that is so on brand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And to do it in front of fellow writers who just, tear people apart for a living. It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? We talked about them about them a lot. Go to soccer 10 and get $10 off when you trade $10.

Also, don't forget Zok doc slash papers. Check out what's going on over there. Yeah. All right. Thank you very much, everybody. Mike, anything you want to promote? Yeah, my nap that's about to happen in six minutes. Oh, I'm with you.

I'm with you. I'm straight down. All right. Thank you, everybody. Thanks for listening. We'll talk to you soon. Dang itesh. Dang itish. The sun is up. The day is bright. It's Sunday papers with Greg and mine. But take good days.

Because I...