Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers Vintage: 1st Episode (March 2020) 9/1/24

Episode Date: September 1, 2024

Blame Greg who is out promoting his special, "You Know Me". In lieu of a new episode we are putting out our very first Sunday Papers from March 2020.Take a walk back to the very first hint of Covid in the air and the strong waft of bullshit from the microphones.

Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike. Read all about it, read all about it! We're not reading all about it this week, we are playing you a classic episode. I am I've just been just so busy this week launching my special we did not have time to do a new episode of Sunday Papers but we decided to play for you I don't know if we've ever done this before but we're playing a rerun. And this is, we believe the first episode we ever officially did of Sunday Papers, it's from March, 2020.

So we haven't even listened to it. We probably should have to see if we said something stupid as opposed to every other episode. But we're thinking that this is gonna be interesting We're thinking that this is gonna be interesting because the pandemic is just starting. COVID is just being discovered and you can hear us probably getting worried about it as it begins.

We've also got, and also I just wanna selfishly thank people. My special came out this week. As of right now, there are almost 150,000 views which is way beyond what I expected and partly it is due to the help of a lot of people. I got to thank Logan Potter who's been doing social media for me, Michael O'Brien my publicist, Val my agent, Ari Shafir who has stepped up like a beast has been giving me advice for months about this, sends me a couple texts a day about what I'm doing right and wrong, promotes it, fucking donated 50 bucks to it, plus put me on his podcast. And

anyway, so shout out to Ari, Joe Rogan, obviously, for letting me do it in his club and then having me on his podcast this week. All the podcasters, Annie Letterman has been very generous. So many of the podcasters had me on. Andrew Santino's been very supportive. And I don't want to list people because there's so many I'm leaving out. And I just want to thank you guys for telling people about it. Continue to spread the word.

I'd like to keep growing. And we seem to be in the algorithm, which is, I don't understand, but I guess we're in it. And we are, a lot of you are donating, which is nice, because I shelled out more than I did on my fucking new car on this special, and I probably won't get much of it back, but the donations are nice.

You can do that on the YouTube page, or don't. Just go to YouTube, Greg Fitzsimmons Comedy, check out the special, enjoy it. Please leave a comment, that helps a lot. Tell me, tell me anything and I'll try to read them all. I also got some tour dates coming up. Temecula, California, September 21st, Alaska, Tulsa, Tacoma, San Francisco, Cleveland, Atlanta.

Go to FitzDog.com, get some tickets and again from my heart thank you for all the support this has been a very emotional week all the comments have been so incredibly positive and nice and have made me feel like no matter what I spent on this thing financially I'm getting it all back and so thank you. So enjoy an old episode of Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers! You've asked for it, we've promised it, we've teased it, now it's happening. Sunday Papers people. Mike Gibbons, let's do it, we've teased it, now it's happening. Sunday papers, people.

Mike Gibbons. Let's do it. Greg Fitzsimmons sitting here with what can only be described as the only take on the news that you really need. We got the paper here, fresh off the presses. It's the Sunday paper, which means, look, we all get inundated with news from our phones. Every 15 seconds, you're checking. And it's candy. Which means, look, we all get inundated with news from our phones.

Every 15 seconds you're checking. And it's candy. It's a sugar high and it goes by fast. The Sunday paper is something that I grew up with and it's the only paper I get. It's the end of the week. It sums shit up the most important stories. Think at it, think at it.

You can read it in the Sunday papers. Reading the Sunday papers. Mike, I'm trying to launch a new podcast. Are they still listening? They're like, oh, paper. What? They've already checked their phone and gotten four other stories by now. Totally. Yeah. Stock market has closed.

If you want news from three days ago, now, this is your place. If you want an antiquated delivery system for the news that you already heard, you got the right place. You wanna hear two guys try to be funny and argue over issues that you kinda remember? Go there. And don't forget at the end,

comic strips you never read in the first place. It's the Sunday Papers. Well, welcome. Mike, how are you? I'm good, man, I'm psyched. Your voice sounds good. It's strong today. Yeah.

Neither one of us is shaved in like a good five. You did, you had a little date the other night and I noticed that you said, we played paddle tennis during the day and then we met at a party later that night and in between you did a shave but you didn't use a razor. It looked like you might've buzzed it down a layer. Didn't do any such thing.

Really? Yeah, and it was just a meeting thing, not really a date. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blow your personal life. No, no, but also, no, I didn't, I don't, I'm not, are you kidding me, I don't man, is it manscaping your face? Yeah, I thought you manscaped. I did not man, look, wouldn't there be evidence that it's shorter?

I have rabbi growth, I mean, like, I don't, I can't grow a beard. Yeah. So, yeah, no, I didn't do any such thing. Comes in gray, both of our beards come in gray at this point. Is there a way, guys do dye their beard, but doesn't do any such thing. Comes in gray. Both of our beards come in gray at this point. Is there a way? Guys do dye their beard, but doesn't that dye your face? I would imagine. You know I just dyed my hair recently, can you tell?

I can't, and I know that's the answer you probably want to hear. Looks good, right? It does look good. Just for men, they tell you leave it on for five, I leave it on for four. Leave a hint of gray. Wow. Yeah, keep it real. I like it. Well, don't they have a formula that keeps it real? I Don't know

Let's start off let's get into it the news goddamn it obviously the top story Cheryl Crowe has a Cheryl Crowe has a new album. And it's spreading. It closed down Italy. She's that powerful. They say it comes with birds. Starts with the bird flu. Crowe.

The Pope. Let's start with the Pope. That son of a bitch. He came out, he blessed everybody for upwards of 30 to 40 seconds behind a plate glass. Yeah, I would, yeah. It's like a sneeze guard. Yeah, and all the disgusting people under the sneeze guard. Yeah. Are you blessing us or going for some chickpeas?

This meek, look at all the meek who are going to inherit this fucking joint. Good luck with it. I'll tell you what, that guy. Here's the thing about the, well, I will talk about it later, but the Onion had a very funny headline, which was, what was it? That he wants to suspend molestations. By the priests. Yeah, the priests just because of the spread out of the coronavirus fear.

Temporarily suspend, it said. And it said in light of the fact that the coronavirus affects older people. That we're laughing about it. That's how crazy it is. That's how. You can only laugh. I don't know about that.

Well, you can't wear a mask. The mask doesn't help. While you're molesting? While you're molesting doesn't help. I don't know. I think no kissing is a plus, not even for the virus. Well, it's also harder to pick the priest out in a lineup if he was wearing a mask at the time. Yeah, the boys can't wear a mask, I'm pretty sure, but yeah. I'm wearing a condom right now. Oh, just to do the story. Yeah. Yeah. Cruise ships, they say. The State Department cautioned American travelers

against taking cruise ships as the coronavirus outbreak spreads across the US. Quote, I don't think anybody should be taking a cruise right now, this is a very sticky pathogen. Once it gets inside a closed space, such as a cruise ship, it spreads widely. It doesn't have to be sticky. Everything that hits, what was it?

SARS, bird flu, I'm forgetting others. Ebola. They're always cruise ships, always. They're like this giant floating Petri dish. I think what's gonna happen is they're gonna, this one that's off Oakland, is that the one where it is? They're gonna shut it down, look at it and be like, oh, forget Corona, we found the new one. The new one is on that one already, I'm sure.

Well, if you wanna talk about a group of people that's vulnerable cruise ship passengers, not in the best shape. No, they bought a cruise ship ticket. That's how vulnerable they are. They've already mentally been victimized. And nevermind, they need their walkers to get on. And all they're doing is drinking and eating sugar.

From buffets. Yeah. Touching, all touching the same trays of food. Yeah, under the Pope's sneeze guard, yeah. And then, you ever been on a cruise ship? I have. No, I didn't know that. Oh yeah, long, well first of all,

there's really cool ones now, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Long. Well, first of all, there's really cool ones now. I have not done that way back in the 70s. Completely inspired by Love Boat. My dad took us to a Bahamas one out of Miami. And we did that. And I thought it was great because also he'd give us like here's whatever a lot of money at the time, like five bucks or something. And they didn't supervise the slot machines.

I lost my mind. I was like 10. And I went crazy in the gambling part. As soon as they were in international waters, and then even in ports, because the Bahamas allows gambling. So once we were away from Miami, I just gambled like crazy and

lost it all. Yeah. All five. Well, five a day I think. Yeah. I did one once. Comedy Central had a cruise for their party. They used to have annual, back when companies spent money on like annual parties. Well, there was a thing about all the Viacom companies is they never pay the employees and they were the first one to come up with like PermaLance where you work 50 hours a week without benefits, that started with Viacom. Oh yeah.

But. What do you mean, I was there, I was getting 75 a day which was a good rate and nothing, nothing, nothing, obviously nothing else. And working how many hours? Oh a lot, but in fairness it was one of those hot places, I mean this is the 90s at MTV, and you wanted to make a mark,

and you didn't have a family or anything. So 2 a.m. was fine. You were getting stuff done. And then they gave you perks, like they would throw parties. They would have retreats. So this was a retreat on a cruise ship. And it was me and Jeff Ross, and we went on, and I'll tell you what, doing comedy on a cruise ship

is the worst fucking thing in the world. It's just not set up for it. Nothing feels right, it feels just forced, and so we both bombed, and then you gotta walk around the cruise ship surrounded by the people that were at your show the night before. You're online waiting to get some crab legs, and they're kind of averting their gaze.

Oh, totally, yeah, exactly. And then I remember I lost a lot of money gambling after bombing, and I was with Erin, and we hadn't been together very long. Oh, wow. Like, we'd been together like a month, and I was like, wanna go on a cruise? That, you guys should not be together now,

just based on that. And so I lost a lot and then she went, you go back in there and you win that money back. Cause I was really fucking upset. What a misguided couple. And I went in and I won that fucking money back. No you didn't. And then I made love to her like she was a,

like she was a whore we'd picked up on a wharf. Jeff Ross eating in the corner watching you too. Jeff Ross loves cruises. He likes to eat 24 hours a day. He's a fucking happy guy. I don't care what anyone says, he's a happy guy no matter how you slice it. Never seen him in a bad mood.

I've seen, I was the executive producer with him on the burn and I'm happy to say he's human and he can get like, you know, crossed with certain, creatively, like you want him to. He doesn't just take everything laying down kind of, or like with a smile. Why is he in the news? What just happened?

What happened to Megan and Harry? Oh yeah. They just gave up the Royal titles today. I don't know when you listen to this, but today is the day they're giving up their Royal titles. What'd they do? They went to England for something? They went back for their last, I guess, sort of job under the titles and it was to see

a concert. So, whew, they're done. That's gonna suck to go to a rock concert? No, in fairness, you know a lot of the concerts are fundraisers and stuff like that. Oh, everything they do is a fundraiser. Yeah, so they went to a concert to raise money for police or firemen or something like that in England. But a concert nonetheless.

Why don't they raise enough money to buy guns for the cops? Yeah, right? I know, England, oof, they're getting some of that terrorism now. So those are the top stories. That's the front page section. Now let's go to entertainment. Hooray for Hollywood.

Oh, here we go. Let's do it. A lot of good stories and entertainment. This is the section guys, if you're still listening. Dolly Parton, who's about, who just turned 74 years old. Huh. Looks fucking good. She's awesome. She, she's the most beloved, one of the most beloved people in America. When I was working on Carpool Karaoke, I went to... Can you try to list more of your credits throughout the podcast? Did I list others? Oh, Jeff Ross. So now I'm even.

So Carpool Karaoke was... we got nominated for an Emmy or something. So I was on a red carpet and a guy then asked me, hey, who else are you gonna do for for Carpacarys? And I literally didn't. I was like, uh, Dolly Parton. And he goes, and this is like this gay reporter lost his mind. He's like, what? And we had no plans to do Dolly Parton. So then James and especially the executive producer, this guy, Ben Winston, hear about it and sort of Ben, especially freaks out because he kind of didn't know especially the hip quotient to her like that it actually would be a great one.

To this day, still no Dolly Parton karaoke. And to this day, I would go out of my way to watch a Dolly Parton carpool karaoke. Are you kidding me? Oh. Well, you know, there's a docu-series on Netflix about her that's like was like the number one thing on Netflix She oh, I want to ask about her tats, you know, she you know, that's why she always wears long sleeves

She's covered in tattoos, right? But you know, I mean, yeah, Jolene I mean that she wrote when Houston's big I want to hear about that cuz I don't think they got along for a little I will always love you Yeah, didn't she also write that Prince song? Oh, I don't know about that. Usually it went the other way, but I don't know. Met a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was. Dolly Parton wrote.

No, I'm just kidding. Holy shit. Anyway, she wants to do the cover of Playboy Magazine. I wanna see her, I don't know if I wanna see that. I wanna see the centerfold and it would be the first centerfold that goes out horizontally because her tits are so down and out.

You mean vertically? Well, no, isn't vertically. Oh, it's usually vertically. Vertically, it's, yeah, north, south. This will be east, west. Just her chest. Just her chest. Yeah.

Do you think if you were a 75-year-old guy, you would be more apt to be able to masturbate to Dolly Parton than say like, you know, a Kardashian? Oh, I thought you were going to say more apt than a 30-year-old could masturbate to deliparton. Well, I went to the bunny ranch one time and Dennis Hoff invited me out, full approval from the wife. She said I could go. She said, as long as you bring, I was working with a female comedian and I'm forgetting her name right now. And she said, if you bring her, you can go.

So I went and there was a couple of really old prostitutes and I go, does anybody pick them? He's like, they get more work than any of the other girls because older guys don't want to sleep with somebody their daughter's age. And a lot of the clients are, you know, in their 60s. It would be very different if that ranch were in LA, where everyone is sleeping with people their daughter's age. That's interesting, yeah. Well I think it's kinda like, if you, I'm talking about you, but anyone, if you saw your, you're still attracted,

you know, you have filters on, you know, you can't see your spouse of 40 years or whatever it is, as how they look now, you're still seeing a lot of that youthful thing you fell in love with. Yes. But I think also, like, I'm more attracted to older, I mean, you know, and Louis talked about in his standup when he was attracted, like, to his wife, things about her, like, there's, I think, naturally, I mean, it happens, there are exceptions, but naturally, you're more attracted

to older and older as you get older and older, I think. I don't know, I think, and I do a bit of, I do a bit about how like I still go back to Jill, can I say Jill? I said her name and her husband wrote to me on my website to say that he heard me talking about how I still masturbate to her image. And I say to him, I say, I think that might be a felony

because she was 16. And I go, but no, I don't think it is because I was underage when I started masturbating to her so I think I'm grandfathered in. Pfft. Oh my God. But he reached out to me. He wasn't mad.

He was just like, he kind of just said it. He was like, I heard you're talking about Jill. As he's cleaning his gun. And I'm cleaning my dick. Yeah. He's like Taker. Led Zeppelin is in the news. Let's pull up a clip.

I guess this is an appeal because I think initially Led Zeppelin might have lost the case and now they So I forget the name of the band was it triumph or something Yeah, but they were accused of stealing a lot of songs And if you go down though down the rabbit hole as we did, it really bums you out how much music they stole. This is Bobby Parker playing a little riff.

Tell me if this sounds familiar. Yeah, Moby Dick. Here's Zeppelin playing Moby Dick. Yeah, it's the exact same riff. So there are videos on YouTube where you can listen to like a half a dozen songs that are not only the same melodies, but in some cases, the lyrics are almost exactly the same. What's the one lyric that they flipped? I work from, the original lyric was,

I work from 11 to seven, you know, for you babe, or whatever it is, and you change it from seven to 11. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, and my buddy Chris Weinstein has that Spotify playlist. Do we have a website we can put stuff on? Anyway, there's a Spotify, Chris Weinstein's Spotify playlist is a giant list.

It's basically the plagiarism list of Led Zeppelin. I mean, it's no less than 20 songs. I mean, it's really, ugh. And a lot of it is, what's weird is, there's all blues songs, like he stole from Howlin' Wolf and what's his name? King. Starts with an A, Albert King. But then he also stole from like folk singers.

Yeah, big time. Well, Stairway to Heaven is one of those and yeah. So it's a bummer because I love Led Zeppelin and I remember losing my virginity to Led Zeppelin too. And there's something very fucking visceral about hearing that when you lost your virginity to it. Oh, every time I listen to Led Zeppelin too, I think about you losing your virginity.

Well, yeah, because we were seniors in college. It was with each other. And I told you about it. Yeah. So check that out. But anyway, the story is that they restored a jury verdict that found Led Zeppelin did not steal Stairway to Heaven. Now Stairway to Heaven, I don't Just pay. Just pay. Also, you're keeping the story alive. Now we're talking about it to tens of people who

now know Zeppelin are thieves. Like let it, they settled out of court with Willie Dixie, they settled out of court with so many people. And just do that. If you're living in a castle and you lifted part of a song, pay. It can't be much. Maybe it is, maybe is that, I mean, maybe Star Wars Heaven,

maybe the guy's asking for a piece of all time, so now it is tough to cough up millions, I don't know. What about Usher and the other guy when they stole the Marvin Gaye song? Did they ever pay for that? I don't think it was Usher. It was Pharrell Williams. Oh, not Usher, Pharrell, yeah. Oh no, they lost in court.

They did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was late. Marvin Gaye's family. Not only was the tune the same, it starts with the sound of a party going on in the background. Here's the best proof. Literally, you should just do this in a court. My kids had never heard the original,

so I played the original, like, we love this song, and they thought it was the new one. Right, right. Yeah. But then, you can't tell, but then you had like David Bowie using that bass line, Vanell Ice took the bass line from the Queen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Bowie, yeah.

But then was that not stealing? He changed like one note apparently. Yeah. But hip hop has its own history. Right. It seems like One Note apparently. But hip hop has its own history. I mean everyone loves that Tupac California and he did nothing with the, I know we sound like 80 year old men at this point, but he did nothing with the, what's his name?

It's a song from Joe Cocker and it's literally that. No shit. Oh my God, yeah, look it up. I mean, yeah, anyway, if you Google at home or YouTube, Joe Cocker, Tupac, you'll hear it. It's, no, it's, I mean, the whole thing, but he obviously just started talking about California over this unbelievably great hook.

He probably figured who in my demographic listens to an old British rocker from the 60s. I mean, in fairness, you know, in the movie, straight out of Compton, you know, they show him come in, and that was already, I think, teed up for him. And I think it was Dr. Dre. And by the way, as I sit here, that might have already been very legally done,

and they paid for it, and that was a sample that was available. I don't know. I don't know. Well, look, I mean, we're stealing John Oliver's show right now. Yeah. Let them come after us. Jane Fonda was in the news because she's about to get arrested for the fifth time. No, she's been arrested five times, but on Friday she went out, she wears a red protest coat. Every time she goes, she's branding herself. And she calls it- Is it a MAGA coat?

It's a MAGA coat, yeah. It says, keep Jane great again. Yeah. She calls it Fire Drill Fridays, and she was really talking about climate change. And I mean, look, she's 82. What the fuck does she care? Climate's gonna be fine for the next six years.

That's all she's got left. By the way, the Democrats should just take the slogan make America great again and run on that. Yes. Like meaning five years ago. Yeah. Like, and then, and then when you can't steal it, like we didn't. It's like you're wearing the hat right now even while you're wearing the hat. No we're not. How does it feel? How does this

feel where you can't even have a conversation because there's no sort of baseline for truth. You just make up whatever you want to say. I think Sarah Silverman put out an album called Make America Great Again. Or David Cross. Oh did he? I think David Cross put out an album called Make America Great Again. David Cross. Oh, did he? David Cross put out an album called Make America Great Again. They should just start wearing blue hats that say MAGA. Right. Yeah. Well, we're going to get to Curb Your Enthusiasm later where we get into that. Also, Harvey Weinstein is in Rikers, which is the largest prison in America.

I don't know if you knew that. No, is it? Biggest prison in America. I don't know if you knew that. No, is it? Yep, biggest prison in America. There's hardly any space. I mean, it's all cramped right there on the river. It's an island. And you know, they actually, they expanded the size of the island to make it bigger.

They made plant fill. And they put barges around it also. Now, is he in a barge? Part of it's a barge, but he's in a, he has a TV, I think. He has a TV? Does he have a plant that he can jerk off on? I don't know.

That's all he cares about. He has power plants right nearby. The TV's nice, but you guys got anything? Like a ficus? Yeah. And I'll water it. And a syringe for my apparatus? So he fell down, he says he fell down

and has a concussion so that he can go to the medical wing and stop getting fucked in the ass. Oh my God, who knows. Do you think that that's like? They don't have him in the, that's what I mean. I think he has his own little private thing. Yeah, no, I've heard that, but that's only because he hasn't been sentenced yet. He's just in holding waiting to be sentenced. Yeah. And then

he'll go into general population. Do you think when a guy like Harvey Weinstein goes into general pop it's like you get points for getting a guy like that for fucking a guy like that? Or is there a weird like, I don't know, everything I said is gonna be highly inappropriate. In other words, I wonder the take on him. It wasn't children, in other words, you know what I mean? Yeah. You know, it's, I don't know.

I don't know his worst offense. He raped somebody. Well, I do know though, some of the rapes were the people he was dating for a while, which are rape, no doubt, and really, really, really bad. But like, there's violent rapists in there. There's a different type of crime. In some ways, God, I don't know,

just stop me talking now, obviously. No, I just wonder if you're a celebrity, no matter what you did, if you're a celebrity and you get in there, do you get points for like, hey, I tapped that ass? Oh, interesting. You know? Well, I thought you were talking about maybe killing him.

No, fucking him. Oh, just fucking him. Yeah. Which could, maybe that's how he fell. And then he wants a concussion. Wait, wait, please do it again and make me fall on my head hard. I cannot remember this.

Well, that's it. He's falling on his sword. He's doing anything to get in that fucking medical wing. Yeah. You saw the story about DaBaby? No, what was that? There's a rapper called DaBaby, D-A, Baby, and he apparently slapped...

Yeah, this is very... He slapped a woman in Tampa apparently, and it's on, it sounds about right. Sounds like an old Johnny Cash song. Yeah, just to watch her cry. And he was headed to the stage, I guess, and there's a lot of video of it, and I guess she, they got in a tussle or whatever,

and he slapped her kinda hard. So there's charges against DaBaby. But just to see the headline, like DaBaby slaps woman, it's so fucking funny to me. The irony was, she cried like a baby. You can't blame DaBaby. DaBaby don't know any better. No one put DaBaby in jail.

DaBaby. Well, and babies are in jail. You know, their cribs literally have bars on them. Yeah, he's a guy, exactly, he's going. That's what they should make his jail cell. It should look like a giant crib. It can't be in general population. He's just a baby.

Who gave the baby a tattoo on his face? I'm going to get that baby. Oh my God. Pete Buttigieg. That guy. The Buttigieg, not the baby. Let me tell you something about Buttigieg. It's tough when you're gay and the first four letters

of your last name are butt. There it is. That's the kind of high level quality comedy you can expect on the Sunday papers. But he is gonna be hosting Kimmel's show. Oh wow. Kimmel Live. Oh, all right.

And he says he'd like to host Saturday Night Live. Okay. I mean, as a comedian, I just love how many people are slumming in the fucking comedy world. Do you know how many comedians are headlining clubs who are only doing it because they got me-tude and their acting careers got derailed? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Piven? Well, I don't wanna name names. Oh, all right, not him. But it's a, but it's- DaBaby? DaBaby is out there. How old do you think he was when he started? Do you think that that was his original name and he just stuck with it?

I don't know, yeah, maybe it's a long one. Yeah, maybe he hates it. Stop calling me Dababy. Don't be a Dababy. It's on your album, I know, well I have to, fucking that's how they know me. You know, most rappers sag their pants, he sags his diaper.

All right, let's go to Sesame Street where they are doing PSAs to tell kids to be counted in the new census. They realized that children under five were being underrepresented, so they're using count van count to... To count. To count to count. Yeah One child in a cage Yeah, they don't count them when they're in the cage, oh, I think they're counted right yeah, they're already inventoried well there's Rose Rosita, I think is the Latino and

She's bilingual So she's trying to get the Latino kids to get counted. Ah. Yeah. I don't know her. That's a Sesame Street character? Yeah, Sesame Street's very woke now. It was always woke. Yeah, I guess it always was.

Not as woke as The Electric Company. Do you remember that show? Yeah, I remember it. Way more, it was not as nice a block as Sesame Street. It was a few blocks down. Oh no shit. A little more inner city, I would say. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Definitely cooler. Yeah. I remember even as a really young kid, I'm like, whoa, this is cooler. Well, wasn't Oscar the Grouch really just a homeless guy? Basically, I think, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, oh, you're right, yeah. Everybody was nice to him. He lived in a garbage can. Yeah. You ever been friends with a homeless person? Did you ever have like a relationship where you said hi or gave money to the same guy on a regular basis? On Sullivan Street.

And then there was also a kid, I wouldn't call him homeless, but he, on the Upper East Side, there was a a kid, I wouldn't call him homeless, but on the Upper East Side there was a kid who was definitely on the spectrum, I mean I think probably very autistic is my guess, but he would wear headphones, which back then it was like one of those big clunky headphones

that was a radio, and had radio dials on it, and one of his big things that he rocked back and forth a lot, but I would sometimes give him money on my way down to the subway in the morning. But what he liked to talk about a lot were those four swings in October. Reggie Jackson, four swings in October. Because four-

1977. I think it was four at bats in a row. He had a home run in the playoffs. And it was four at bats in a row. He had a home run in the playoffs. And it was years earlier, but this kid couldn't stop talking about it every single day. And so I'm like, four swings, Nick, four swings. And then I'd give him money.

Maybe I was talking about it. Now I'm looking back on it. He might've just been repeating what I was saying. I guess I didn't help him. And he's talking to his friends rocking. Yeah. Yeah, there's this guy, great guy, gives me money. But God, he's fucking obsessed with.

Oh, here he comes, here comes Four Swings guy again. All right, here, hold on, I have to fucking scream it back at him. It's 1981, I think. Yeah. It's time to move on. Yeah, exactly. By the way, that's a guess on 77.

I'll look it up. I think it was 77. Is that what you guessed? That's what I guessed. I think it's a very good guess. Let's see if we can name the entire Yankees roster from 1977. Catfish Hunter, still alive?

I don't think so. Was he? Maybe. But there was Ron White, Mickey Rivers, and I can't name anyone now. Reggie Jackson. Yeah, of course. Are you looking it up? No.

Ron Gidry. Catfish Hunter, did you say that? Didn't say that. Dave Kingman. You said Thurman Vonsen. Yep. Oh, Craig Nettles at third. Right. Big time.

Lou Pennella. Yeah. Holy shit. Who then went on to coach. This is impressing time. Lou Pennella, holy shit. This is impressing me. Oh yeah, of course. And that was one of the first, they're not booing, they're saying Lou, that was one of the first ones before Bruce. Caitlin, it's Caitlin.

All right. Yeah, I could find more if I really, oh, Bucky Dent. Bucky Dent, the shortstop. With the Red Sox killer. Let's get to some reviews. We've got TV reviews first. If you haven't seen The Outsider yet, I have watched the first seven of nine.

Oh, did we look her up yet? Does she have an EGOT, the woman? Oh, God, she's good. In The Outsider? I was into The Outsider for like two episodes, and then I started to really fade on the third, and then they introduced this character, black woman, who's African American.

Cynthia Erivo? And she fucking breathes life into this series. I mean, she is a one woman show. She's playing someone who's a little spectrum-y, and most actors don't know, take Tom Cruise, for instance, in Rain Man, they don't know how to underplay it. The autism takes over the whole fucking character,

and it's unwatchable. I walked out of Rain Man, but she plays it really fucking well, and we're wondering, has she got an EGOT? Okay, and EGOT if you don't know is an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. Holy shit, she's torn about. There's only about, there's only about, she's got a Grammy. She's got a Grammy. She's got a Tony. She's got two Oscar nominations, but she did not win. Does she have an Emmy?

It doesn't? She could get nominated for this, for the Emmy. Why wouldn't it list any award here? She's gotta go. Well now she could, now she could, right, I guess she does, yeah. No, she's got a GT. Oh. Grammy and a Tony.

I guess so, I don't know, for some reason I thought she does. No, she's got a GT Grammy and a Tony. I guess so. I don't know. For some reason, I thought she also had an Emmy. Look up how many people have EGOTs. I'm curious. Oh, I know it well. I guess I'm any. Well, this is the problem. Some of them are not quite pure in my daytime. I mean, some of them. Oh, yeah. Right. But no, no, but there's also,

people can get two awards for the same performance, which is bullshit. So if you're in Oklahoma and you win the Tony, then when they put the cast album out, you get your Grammy. I don't think those should be counted. And that's how What's His Name just got one, John Legend. I have the, don't look it up, I'll tell you how many, guess how many there are.

Well, there aren't that many pure ones. Also, this doesn't count. Like Streisand, fuck her. She's got a honorary Oscar. That shouldn't count. So go ahead, I don't know how many pure ones there are. Here's the pure ones, 15. In there, there's not pure ones.

Go ahead, what are some of them? I'll list the ones you've heard of. Rita Moreno, John Gilgud. I think hers is legit. No, because underneath it says winners including non-competitive awards, where Barbra Streisand, Liza Minnelli. Yeah, but you're not counting my thing,

which is same performance gets two awards. Audrey Hepburn. She turned down a Tony award, did you know that? No. Yep. Why? I forget, she's badass though. Because she's a lesbian,

she just liked turning down a guy named Tony. Oh, all right, that works. Audrey. Mel Brooks, got an EGOT. Mike Nichols, Whoopi Goldberg. Which is always- But sometimes they also read their memoir and that gets them a Grammy.

Yeah. That's not who I'm, I'm picturing like the, that fucking four, you know, four, whatever you call it, weapon, you know, threat, quadruple threat. What did Whoopi Goldberg win a Grammy for? She must've been reading, must have been an audiobook. That's what I think. Yeah. That's what I think.

Also, her Oscars for Ghost doesn't count. John Legend has an EGOT? That's what I mean. But he got two for Broadway. Yeah. He got an EGOT, he would have won a Grammy anyway though, right? Oh, also, yeah, sometimes they get an Emmy from a Broadway thing, whatever. We're spending too much time on this. All right.

But yeah. Let's go to some other reviews. Oh, so check out The Outsider, it's very good. I saw the movie, oh, we're on TV. Malcolm X is a documentary. Oh yeah, how is that? Well, this is the problem with documentaries. I like it, I'm on board.

But, and it's fascinating, he's's fascinating but do you know his wife I don't know how long after he was killed was it was it one of the Kardashians sorry his wife wasn't quite and God I hope it wasn't the day of, but she was dressed in a anyway. I was trying to figure that out. I was also dozing a little. I was watching it too late last night, but I have to go back and watch it. But she was interviewed and she's like, it's they were asking who killed him and all this stuff is like, well, you know, they're trying to pin on him like that.

He might have brought this on himself and that he might have like, oh, it was something like that. And she goes, because his house was massively fire bombed. Like they bombed his house. They're like, they said he like bombed his own house. Well, maybe now they're going to say he killed him. He shot himself with five guns or four guns. I think four bullets, different types of bullets were in them.

Um, but you want to know the interesting thing she said when, uh, when she was talking about when he was bombed as the reason, because his house was like fucking, you saw like shit out on the street and all the windows were blown out and was fire. She goes, like he would bomb his own house. Like we didn't have insurance like for the furniture. She started to detail things like chairs. And you just realize like, oh, it's different than today where if you're the slightest bit famous,

that just means you have tons of money also. And he had nothing but speaking engagements, selling out places. Clearly they weren't charging or it was so minimal because it was for the public service. And he had a movement and he was moving. But it really was like it stood out to me that one of her rationale for proof

that he didn't bomb his own apartment was they lost furniture. But you also have to think that he would get pretty steep discounts at any store on Malcolm X Boulevard, don't you think? Probably, yeah. And there's one in every city. That's a good point.

I remember Chris Rock had a joke. He's like, you always know, if you're on Martin Luther King Boulevard, you're in a bad neighborhood. Yeah, he's like, I don't care what city you're in. And if you're on Malcolm X Boulevard, you better try to find, you better find Martin Luther King Boulevard.

Get the fuck out of there. So Malcolm X documentary, but this is one of the problems with documentaries is when I see it's like six parts or four parts, I mean, I know I'm in for a slower burn than I want. I think a lot of documentaries can be a documentary. Yes, absolutely. Or two parts.

What was the one, the last one on? HBO that Errol Morris did so stretched out been one fucking episode would have been a great episode. Yep What was it called? It was about mind control and how they used LSD on an FBI guy to try to get him to do stuff I saw McMillions, did you see that? That's another one that's going a little slow for me. Real slow.

They love that one talking about. They love the guy, they think he's charming. He is charming, he's not that fucking charming. No, but you're also judging him and it's fun to judge him like we're doing, so they know that, so they just leaned into a, yep, tell your jokes, Tell, yup, go ahead. Make a little.

I'm just shocked that if you don't know the story, the Monopoly game that McDonald's did was rigged. I just assume all of those are rigged. I mean, you really are gonna win a fucking million dollars from a milkshake? Yeah. Or the lottery? Or the fact that people that are making $4 an hour are not gonna

grab those fucking playing pieces? I don't feel ripped off. All right, so the lottery, it's like, obviously it has to be of a board. I get all that. But psychologically feeling gypped, which is an outward word you're not allowed to use. But why? Because the gypsies. Yeah, you got to look out. Do they have a voice? Well, by out for- Do they have a voice? Well, by the way, do they have a voice? They have the number one heavyweight boxer in the world now. He's a real gypsy? He's an Irish gypsy.

Oh, I didn't know that. Like Sean, like what's his name? Not Sean Penn, like Brad Pitt played in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or no, no. What was the other movie he did? The same, the British guy. I'll get in a minute. So yeah, and they've been officially designated

an indigenous class. Wow, I love that. No, it's awesome. It's an official recognition of them as a population in Ireland. That's great. And his dad was one, even though technically this guy was born in, I just read an article on him, this guy was born in England. I just read an article on him.

Technically he was born in England. Yeah, he's a gypsy. And yeah, you can't say the word gypsy. Oh, by the way, I've learned a lot because I was writing that sitcom on an HR department. You can't say basket case anymore. Why? Do you know what basket case means?

I guess. Basket. Would they use to confine people in baskets? You could say that. A basket case was like, you're on, I think its origin was, you're on the war field and you're a medic and you're like, go over there, we got two basket cases, which means to go get them, you better bring a basket. Because they're dead?

No, they're in pieces. No, and they're still alive. Otherwise, they wouldn't tell you to go get them. And so that's a basket. How many basket cases did you have? And now it then was co-opted. I believe this is the order, not the other way around. Co-opted into if you are a quadriplegic,

your shorthand was you're a basket case. Do you feel good now about calling your aunt a basket case? Just because she has cats. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wow. The the language. Fucking language is fascinating and it's brutal. Some of it. Yeah. Yeah. So gypsies, I didn't mind because of fucking gypsies.

I'll try to take my wallet in Italy, the fucking little kids. It literally was like I was a moose surrounded by wolves that would just lash out at two kids. They'd back up. Meanwhile, two were coming at me from behind. It was crazy. Well, Anthony Clark used to have this joke.

He goes, the gypsies in Europe will come at you and they're so desperate, they'll hand you a baby so your hands are occupied and they take your wallet. So here's a little tip. If you're traveling in Europe and somebody hands you a baby, swat it to the ground. That's perfect. But there's a great book called Tinkers about gypsies. It's real, I think it won the-

Snatch was the Brad Pitt movie. Oh right, I think Tink's won the Pulitzer Prize, as a matter of fact. Ooh! Oh, by the way, a little call back to the coronavirus. In entertainment, Contagion, the 2011, I think it's a Soderbergh movie, is number eight on the iTunes charts ahead of Parasite

on the movie streaming and rentals. Speaking of movie streaming and rentals, there's a few winners on there that you may have missed last year that I highly recommend. You and I both loved a movie called Queen and Slim. Yes, I did like it. It was kind of a Bonnie and Clyde movie about this couple that's on the run after he kills a cop because he's

about to be killed by a cop. But you know how it is with the African Americans, the cops, they just can't seem to get along. And look, the both sides have good people. Oh boy. I saw a movie called The Way Back, Ben Affleck is an alcoholic trying to come back and I wanted to like it and I was really liking it a third of the way in. It is a well done movie. All right, so very briefly, basketball coach,

so then they show it like, get out there, you gotta get out there, he's like ready and this is gonna be their big comeback, you know, like it's show it, like, get out there, you gotta get out there, and he's like, ready, and this is gonna be their big comeback, you know, like, it's like, one, two, three, go, and it's like, oh, please don't make me watch. These kids, and all of a sudden, it would go, one, two, three, go, and it would just freeze, and then the color would kinda become muted,

and then they'd just put the score up, that they lost that game. Oh, good. It was really effective, and I appreciated it. The story, I'm thinking about story a lot lately because I'm gonna try to write a movie. So of course, instead of writing, I'm reading a lot of books on how to write a movie.

Yeah, and what they say is instead of shitting on a movie, ask yourself how you would fix it. It's a tough question. You can't just say I'd make them more likable. It's like how? And this lost its way a little. And also he didn't drink whatever. I don't want to give this review of the movie I didn't want right. That's true. Anyway, it's not as good as Rotten Tomato says I guess that's I saved your money viewers I saved your money. There was a time when I really liked Ben Affleck. It didn't last long, huh?

And now I find him unwatchable. I shouldn't look I, I don't wanna be the fucking mid-level comedian that shits on high-level actors. Who am I? Who am I? And if I saw Ben Affleck, I'd be so far up his ass. He'd have to fucking, he'd have to get a goddamn pair of tweezers and get me out of there. Yeah. But.

Just go back to shitting on Audrey Hepburn. Or Whoopi. I don't think I shit on her. I just watched the color purple with my daughter. I've never seen it. If you ever need to cry. I hate the Lakers. It is Steven Spielberg, so it's a little corny.

It's a lot corny, but if you wanna cry, it's good. Yeah, what did I hear is a really tear-jerker, I forget. Oh, as long as we're in entertainment, I will say this. Of course, this is old guy news. We should have a section called old guy news. I rewatched the other day. I only put it on for a little because David Byrne hosted Siren Head. He was a musical guest on Siren Head Live.

And it was really great. And I'm like, you know what? I want to go back, see that exact song you just did. I want to see it in 1984. I want to see Stop Making Sense. All right just did I want to see it in 1984 I want to see stop makes it all right watch stop making sense just do it whoever's listening to this Just do it even if you think you've seen it Jonathan Demme directed it it was shot and I didn't know this at the Pantages theater I'd always heard it was shot at Dartmouth, but I think they had a warm-up show there something for it

It is the best concert movie. I put it above the last waltz. It's, it's that good. He comes out, he starts, it starts with a boom box and his guitar. He does one instrument at a time. The second song has two people. Third song has three people. And by the way, I then by the middle of the concert, it's so well shot by the way. And here's the headline buried deep in my tail. He doesn't cut, cut cut cut the he'll stay on backup singers for like 30 seconds and you're not even seeing David

Byrne saying and it's so effective it's so effective it's such it's literally art it's a piece of art that movie and the music the talking heads are just the most underrated band in history I know Pauline kale the greatest maybe film reviewer of all time, literally goes, it's near perfection. I didn't even know she reviewed it. It's so great. And by the way, halfway through,

last thing I'll say about it, I was like, when did Graceland come out? And I looked it up, Graceland came out like 15 months later or like two years later. Paul Simon's album. Paul Simon's album. Paul Simon's album with a Lady Smith Black Mambazou from Africa, very percussion obviously driven. I am telling you he was so inspired by Stop Making Sense and by David Byrne and the Talking

Heads. There is so much percussion and international flavor in that concert. Well there you have it. Mike Gibbons strongly recommending you put everything down right now. And I say we put it down and get to the business section. Should we do sports? Now let's do sports first. Let me change pages.

Sports, obviously, we have not spoken that much, considering it's all anybody talks about, about this SARS virus that's going around. But it's really affecting sports. Empty stadiums. Corona. They're playing soccer matches in Europe with no crowds. Right. Which is insane.

So the fatalities have like skyrocketed to zero. which is in Europe with no crowds. Right. Which is insane. So the fatalities have like skyrocketed to zero. No, they're fighting outside the stadium. They're still showing up. Or plummeted to zero. Oh, they're killing each other at home? Yeah. All right, good.

Poor hooligans, what are they doing? I know. By the way, are you allowed to say hooligans anymore? I'm not even gonna shave my head today. Yeah. To protest. I went to, actually, I went to a soccer game in Barcelona. We saw Barcelona and we saw Messi play.

Whoa. And that's my son's team. And he's obviously a big soccer guy and love Messi. And we get to see Messi score a goal. But let me tell you something. Soccer crowds in Spain, they sit down, nobody stands up during the game, they don't get up until halftime, and then they get up orderly and go to the restroom, they take out their sandwiches, they unwrap them.

In Spain? They clap, they don't stay. Yeah. You know, I heard this story, it was a great story where Italy was I think they were away They were definitely away and I think it was Spain where they first heard done The white stripes riff which was became huge in soccer Italy took it home and then that there was a really great article and I think an NPR story written about it became the number one ringtone in Rome oh yeah and most

people had no idea where it came from they just knew that that was the giant chance you know what the new ringtone is in Italy Dun dun dun dun dun dun. I like it. All right, also. Is that just American taps? I think so. So like if you did that in another country, like you're sort of, you're burning them, you know,

in a way like you're about to lose. Would they be like, what is he doing? Yeah. Like, what does that mean? I think so. Would they know that one? Is that American? That one they'd know. From horror movies? Yeah, they'd know that. Why? Because of our movies? Or did we steal all these? No, I, well, I would say some of the music you hear in like spaghetti westerns was done by what's

that guy's name? Well, there's a bunch of them, but the biggest one was- Starts with an M? Yeah, I forget his name. Anyway, a lot of those songs that you would associate with like mood that you would recognize, I'm sure are very international. Soccer, Empty, March Madness, they're saying now,

May Do With No Crowds? They're coming up with contingency plans. Our friend Pete Scott works in conjunction with it, and he's at Turner Sports and everything. So he's like, yeah, everyone's in a panic. The Olympics, obviously, you couldn't think of a more efficient way to get everyone sick like in the Olympics.

Everyone fly from every country, all come here, shack up in really close quarters, so much so that the Olympic Village, we have to give out condoms for free because you guys are... But first, deplete all your energy by competing. Then fucking commingle like crazy. Now everyone fly home. Are you kidding me? In coach. Yeah. Are you kidding me in coach yeah yeah are you kidding me right yeah I did I did lights out with David Spade last week and the topic was whether they were gonna cancel the Japanese Olympics and I called you as I always do I call you and I ask you to give me some jokes for it

yeah and you gave me a great one which was you know you got to be careful going to the Olympics you never know what you're going to come home with. Look at Caitlyn Jenner. You'll never know what you catch. Yeah. Right. And so I did that and it got some groans. Good.

Good, that was exactly what we're going for. I went for all groan jokes that week. It wouldn't get a joke. It wouldn't get a groan from Caitlyn. I've now worked with her twice. Yeah. The roast was won and I just worked with her and she loves that. She told a joke. You want to hear it? Yeah. She goes, I heard a good joke lately. She's with Comedians. She's with Nikki Glazer

and Burr Kreischer. And she goes, I heard a joke. So all of us roll our eyes. Also, this is awesome because it's going to be a horrible joke probably. Turns out it was good. She said she was playing, she plays a lot of golf, and she was playing with one of the top ranked women or whatever, and the woman was really down on herself. She's like, what's the matter? She's like, oh, it's my game, it sucks. She's like, I don't know what she goes, she goes, the golf holding me right now

is like a Kardashian girl. And he's like, what do you mean? He's like, nothing white will go in. Really, Caitlin said that? Yeah. That's good. Yeah that's what I mean. There's a real you know. I heard she told this joke. There were two flies sitting on a piece of shit and one of them farts and the other one goes, hey I'm eating. By the way. She didn't say that. I even. I even know that joke. I like it.

I even cleaned up the joke a little bit. It was like the golf holes like a Kardashian pussy. That was literally what she said. That's nothing white. I can't get it. And she did that on tape for the airing. It's going to air on Netflix. God bless her.

All right. Let's get to let's get to business. Yes. Now, the bear market they're saying is starting. The stock market, again, I don't know when you're listening to this, but today it went down 2000 points, which is the biggest drop in one day ever of the S&P.

So, our friend Mike Gibbons. Right here. Who is famous over the years for shorting the market with his stocks, which means you're betting against the market. You're betting it'll go down. Which usually means I win for a few days and then I love it, I get lust and I get greedy

and I stay too long and the fucking dumb stock market takes a undeserved bounce up and I get wiped out. Every time. Wiped out every time. And for the first time in the 30 years I've known him, you didn't have stocks for the first 25 years I knew you. But so far. But you bet against the market two weeks ago

and you are making a small fortune. I can give it away as a public ticker and I have no, I have no, well I own it, I guess that's the disclosure, but I don't think that affects this ticker symbol, people buying it, I don't think affects it, believe it or not. All right, give it to them.

It's called TZA, Tom Zebra, no, yeah, Anthony. What I can't, I should, do you memorize the alpha thing? Like, alpha, yeah, seems like something we should do. Alpha, beta, Charlie? Chi, I think it's chi. Charlie, I think? I don't know, anyway. Wait, you're talking about the Greek or the military?

No, military, military. Oh. Anyway, oh no, no, I'm not talking about the alphabet. So anyway, it's TZA and the opposite one is TNA. What you do is you buy one of those and it goes three times, it's juiced, three times the direction the market goes. So if you buy TNA, that means you're going positive.

So if the market goes up, you know, 2%, you go up 6% that day or more. So today, I own TZA, I went up 30% today. All your money tripled. No, it went up 30%. Not all my money, but no, it went up 30%. And it's not all my money, but I did take a big swing at it just because I'm making up for all the years

I always, always, always lose. And I don't trade. This was the first thing I bought in years, or two years probably. How much of this money would you say you'll give to charity? Well, will charity pay me if I lose? Because. Well, if you were at Wall Street,

the government would pay you if you lost. They don't. Because they're already looking for money. Wall Street is already looking to the Fed. Well, they got the- They're the biggest crybabies ever. So everyone's complaining and bitching and moaning. The S&P 500 is still up for the last 52 weeks,

you stupid idiots. And they all hate Bernie Sanders and his socialist leanings. As soon as this happens, all they're doing is screaming for government intervention. Lower the rate. You got to help us. You got to give us these incentives, these packages. Bail us out. Bail us out. The World Bank is starting to come into Asia to bail them out. The S&P 500 was up 28% last year. So now you have to give a little back and you're bitching and moaning. It's crazy. Yeah, because you're not going little back and you're bitching and moaning. It's crazy.

Yeah, because you're not going to get your billion dollar bonuses. But it is gambling, man. When you buy one of these fucking three times, it's called a weighted ETF. Like for instance, at the end of today, a good move might have been buying TNA, which goes up three. Because you think it'll bounce tomorrow.

If it goes up 1,000 tomorrow, you'll make 20% or whatever it is, yeah. You heard it here, Mike Gibbons tells you, watch the documentary, Stop Making Sense, and buy yourself some TNA for tomorrow. Too late. Also, outsiders, we lose. Like for instance, TZA is an example, just to calm everybody down.

TZA closed at, I would say, let's say 50 on Friday. It opened today at 61. So where's an investor like you and me getting in there? You're not. You just, you can't get in. You're gonna get in at 62, three, four, probably way above that, because it's sort of racing. They've already factored in that it's gonna go down.

Because I don't know who these people are, but you can trade futures. Who are these people? Maybe other markets like Asia and Europe can buy it while the markets close here. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. It's all rigged.

It is all rigged. Take your money and have some fun with it. Yeah, gambling. Finally in business, Bill Gates, of course this comes from the private sector. He is funding at home testing kits for the coronavirus because they're not available from the government. So the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

have put some money into this project. It's called a thermometer. Do you have a fever? Fucking lay low. Right. And also by the way- They can't do anything if you have it, it's the flu. Yeah.

And if you're worried about, I can't get wipes. I can't buy disinfectant wipes. Get a fucking napkin and some rubbing alcohol. Boom, you got it. Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Honestly. Wear some gloves.

So, you know, the other thing is like, oh my God, I gotta get tested for coronavirus. Oh, I have it, what do you do now? Oh, we send you that building over there where 60,000 Americans die of the flu every year. Honestly, 45 million people got the flu two years ago. 61,000 died. Damn.

And 860,000, I think, I think I have this right, almost a million people were hospitalized with the flu two years ago. Last year was a little bit of a down year. I think this year's up though. But in other words, you're going, you know, whatever, you're going to a germ factory if you have it. I guess they quarantine you, I don't know. But don't know but self quarantine right isn't that the move

Self quarantine and I'm about to go to Cuba in three weeks with my family and my mom who's 78 And I'm starting to wonder if Cuba's gonna let us in they may say you're from, California We're not letting you in the country for a number of reasons. Yeah, right And then we're supposed to go to Ireland and again We fucking rented this place a year ago in Ireland and I don't think we're getting the money back We got all our plane tickets bought. We're not getting there. They give them money back on the plane tickets. I Don't know but the flights might be canceled, right? So cross your fingers for that canceled. Right. So cross your fingers for that.

That's the economic impact. You just described it. The planes. Well, the hotels, the track, just travel. And then all the business travel, even the superfluous stuff, like even dumb agencies here in California, but big ones are like, new policy for a while, no more face to face meetings. You have to do it over Skype. Right. Or you know, whatever. And comedy clubs, don't forget,

come out to the comedy clubs. You will not get infected. Just relax, especially if you're young. I don't wanna be the guy that poo-poos this coronavirus. But the truth is, if you're under 50 and you're in decent shape, you're fine. Especially you're gonna be fine at Copper Blues in Phoenix on the 19th to the 21st.

And also I'll be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix on the 22nd of March. Boston, Massachusetts, Laugh Boston, April 2nd through the 4th. And then I will be at Boise at Liquid Laughs on the 16th through the 18th of April, and then April 23rd through 25, Sacramento Punchline. Come on out, check out those dates.

Let's finish it out with the Sunday comics. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. You love it, Mike. You love it. Well. You love it. Wow. This one, this first one. You gave me a sneak peek of one of them. This first one is Hager the Horrible. Oh, I didn't see that.

And I don't know how many people remember the old comic strips. They mean a lot to me, because I read, they were my first exposure to comedy as a child, reading the comic strips. And I love them. And Hager the Horrible is one about an old Viking, he's a rapist and he murders people

and they have a cute comic about him. So in this one, his wife who's wearing a helmet with the horns coming out of it, is sitting and having coffee with another woman. And the other woman says, my husband gives me an allowance. And his wife, who I believe is named Helga, says, that's nice. And the woman goes, I know.

It's like I'm being paid to plan my own escape because she's being abused domestically. Yeah. I mean. But that's fine. aren't they cavemen? They're Vikings. Oh, Vikings, sorry. The Vikings.

There's also a caveman one, right? But yeah, all right, Vikings, that's fine, that's fair. Isn't there M.O. rape and pillage? Isn't that literally what it says about, like that's what they pat on the top of the door as they go out of the ship, like rape and pillage. Yeah. And that's why if you on the top of the door as they go out of the ship, like rape and pillage. Yeah. And that's why if you get your ancestor DNA done,

everybody's got a little bit of Asian or a little bit of Nordic. Because it was either Genghis Khan, pronounced by the way, Jenghis Khan, even though people will fucking argue with me about that. Oh, it's like a Jif. Jeng, it's a GIF. And people, but you'll get a little Asian

from Jenga's County. They raped and pillaged around the fucking, you ever see a map of where the Mongols conquered? Well, my dad has black hair from Ireland. That's Spain, right? Isn't it the armadas that went up there and fucked Ireland? Yeah. Yeah. The black Irish, they call them.

I wish I got tanner skin because of it. I missed out on that. My dad has tanner skin. Yeah. You look for that silver lining. Yep. This one is the family circus. How was the rape, great-grandma?

Will I be tanner? Tell me what it looked like. Tell me what it looked like. This is... Can he grow a beard? I can't. Why do I suck at soccer? This is Family Circus, which is all I love because it's just one frame. It's just one frame. And the mom, who's kind of a MILF. You know, look at this picture of her. She's got like that short Liza Minnelli haircut, good breast. Yeah, it looks like David Byrne.

But it also looks like she Photoshopped her waist smaller like they do now on selfies. So the boy, and I think his name is Donnie, he's the main character in Family Circus. Everybody hates Donnie. He's like the character in the circus. Everybody hates Donnie He's like the Mickey Mouse of cartoons and he says to the mother mommy. Did you used to be sexy? She's bending down listening to him and he's holding a bowl. She's holding a bowl So on a mixing spoon in it, honestly, what the fuck? Yeah, how can you let that go out the door?

Like he's just robbing new, by the way, that frame, you might as well write 50 fucking things that the kid says. It has nothing to do with the bowl. There's no story. It doesn't leave you wanting to know more. It's just, oh, that kid said something that he didn't realize was kind of inappropriate. Mommy, was daddy your second choice? Just shit him out. of inappropriate. Mom, he was daddy, your second choice. Like just shit him out, just fucking shit him out.

Right, 50 in a half hour. And then a giant. Makes me, know how fucking rich this guy is? His name is Jeff Keene, and his name is giant in the corner. He wants you to know. And then on the left side, it says Bill Keene, Incorporated. Yeah, that means that's his son or grandson still living off this the grandfather's bullshit

distributed by King features syndication Well, that's the yeah, that's the that's the son. That's part of King. Well, I think but uh, no, I think the guy Oh, I say right, but it's Why are they? Maybe listen, I don't want you know, maybe it's really sad Maybe there are people who are like, uh, and, I don't want, maybe it's really sad, maybe there are people who are like, ah, and that means something to them every day. What could explain that piece of shit being in a,

where was that, in a, it's syndicated, right? And that's once a week. You've got fucking seven days to come up with one frame, and that's your frame? Yeah. Oh my God. We gotta do our own comic strip every week. Mommy, I thought this was just for haircuts. There, that's 10 times fucking better. He's holding a bowl. At least address

your illustration. I'm so fucking furious. Mommy, can I lick the bowl? Daddy says he likes licking the bowl. And he says you like when he licks the God. All right. Maybe it's harder than it seems. All right. Finally, speaking of sexy, let's get to it. You guys know this is how we always end Sunday papers and it's blondie. Oh, that little vixen, that little latex vixen. What was that? Did you see the Brit Hume story?

Oh, yes. That was great. Brit Hume, if you missed this story, go back and find it. He's a newscaster on Fox News. He is officially the crustiest old white guy. Yeah. He's like, Vinyl Vixens. Vinyl Vixens.

Sexy Vinyl Vixens. And it spread everywhere and that's it. Whatever reputation you've built out in the 50 years you've been in the business is gone. I don't know. At this point, won't he get credit for it? Cause he's so ancient and old and I Just know he's gonna have a lot of nicknames. I know there's gonna be a lot of also is he married now

He has to buy two of them. Yeah, right fast. Yeah So like how am I gonna get this on in the wheelchair? Dagwood walks in the door this fucking guy and he's wearing a bow tie So he looks like a dick. His hair is slicked back. He's got that one cowlick that goes backwards. And he gets, of course, this big smooch from Blondie, and she's up on her tiptoes while she kisses him,

accentuating her calves. You've seen her calves, they're like bowling pins. They're pretty great, yeah. And the blue dog is always staring right at them, because he knows they're going to fuck. He knows they're fucking coming. That's what dogs can sense. They sense fear and future fucking.

So Dagwood says, did you and Tootsie put a lot of fucking effort into that name back in the 50s when this thing started. Did you and Tootsie have fun shopping for new shoes at the mall? And she says, actually, it was a little disappointing. And then in the second frame, she takes a step back, allowing you to see breasts that have a shelf. You could put a fucking fish bowl on the top of her tits

and it would sit flat. And she's wearing a tight sweater that cinches in at the waist. And she says, we walked into the shoe store and found exactly what we were looking for. Dagwood confused. Why was that disappointing? Third frame, now she's walking.

And she says, where's the challenge in that? And that's what I love about these 50s comics. I almost asked, wait, say it again, because I kind of couldn't follow it. Nevermind, I withdraw the question. I don't care. I just love how they depict women in these old comic strips.

Yeah, how was your day shopping? Well, it's better than fucking Haggard's wife who gets beaten and dragged into the bow of a ship or whatever the fuck happens over there. Rubbing salve on her from the venereal diseases her husband brings back from the Orient. Oh man. All right, we've done it.

Mike Gibbons, we've done our first Sunday papers. We've done Sunday papers before, but this is the first one in what will be a series. That's right, if you didn't know this, Mike and I are gonna start doing Sunday papers on a regular basis. We're gonna do a couple, we're gonna put out there for you guys to enjoy for free.

And then we're gonna invite you to support us through Patreon. And so the Fits Dog Radio podcast will go out every week as it's always been, but then the Sunday papers will go out, probably do what, every other week? Maybe. We'll try to do it. We'll see. If there's a demand, if there's a demand. Then we'll do it even more. I need the money to short the market. Yeah. So get involved and we'll let you know how to get on Patreon after these

first couple, and we look forward to taking this journey with you. Thank you for listening, however many people you are. Yes, thank you so much. And thank you to our fine producer. I assume she's gonna be producing this. She produces a Fist Dog Radio, Andrea Gigletti. And we'll catch you guys next time, Back in the News. It's on our tag! Is that the tag? I don't know. We don't even know what the title is. We need a tag. Are we still recording? What is back in the news?

We need an ending. I don't know. Happy Monday. But it's not. I don't know. Yeah. Sunday papers out. Killing pile.

There it is. Yeah. Just do that. Throw it to fire. There you go.