Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 100 2/6/22

Episode Date: February 6, 2022

It’s the 100th Episode of Sunday Papers! We thank you for your support before diving into the new COVID-19 cure: drinking urine. Also a truckload of monkeys crashes in the midwest, Whoopi gets sent to her room and Rudy gets dissed.  Follow Dennis Gubbins on Instagram @dgubs 

And 21 minutes will be our fastest start ever. 21 minutes, what's that? It's 21 past noon. Good, so I can work out. Yeah, it's all good news. Cheer up, you fucking, all right. Are you going to clap us in, bitch? Clap us in, one.

All right, I'm clapping. Three, two, one. All right, Mr. Impatient impatient why don't you start this shit i welcome to sunday papers i'm not gonna scream hear you i try not to put my uh there you go i try not to put my headphone in until about 30 minutes into the podcast uh welcome to sunday papers i'm not screaming read all about it because we have a special treat for you guys today is uh it's a stellar day in our history today is the 100th episode of sunday papers hold on my oh jesus fucking all right it's a clunky start to 101 i'll admit that it's a clunky start to one oh shit oh admit that. It's a clunky start to 101. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. All right, wait, wait, wait.

We're starting over. All right, I got it. How many have I done? Is this my first one? I have issues with my cords here. All right, I'm good. Are you guys still there? All right, let's start over again. No, no, no. Keep all this. This is fine.

Welcome to Sunday Papers. Warts and all. No, let's do it. Look, this is... Don't cut that out. Out of 100 episodes, this is the worst beginning we've ever done. And you had to do it on our anniversary, our centennial. We don't hide behind anything.

Bring it on. We read our letters. You're eating a fucking sandwich. You're hungover. Nope. Nope. Nope. I watched the show last night. It was disappointing. I think you're a fan. I can'tover. Nope. Nope. Nah. Nope. I watched the show last night. It was disappointing. I think you're a fan. I can't wait to talk about that. All right.

Well, first of all, let's get into it. It's the 100th episode, and this was prepared for us. Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Key and Beth Hoops, our friends in St. Louis that produce and edit the show for us, put together a special gift for us. Well, first of all, they bought us a bunch of rounds of golf as a gift. I can't believe it's so nice. It's very nice at our home course, Penmar. Incredibly nice.

Incredibly nice. And then they made this video, which we're going to play for you right now. Here is the 100th anniversary congratulations video from Midcoast Media. Read all about it. read all about it read all about it read all about it read all about it read all about it read all about it read all about it read all about it x3 x3 read all about it read all about it read all about it read all about it! Xtree, Xtree, read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it!

Read all about it! Read all about it! Dude, lordy. Read all about it! That sounded terrible. Read all about it! Oh, jeez. Read all about it, we got you.

Read all about it! Read all about it! We got you. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers. Okay. Read all about it. Oh, there he is, little energy from Gibbons. It's the Sunday papers, baby. Take it easy.

There it is. Take it easy. Okay, hold on. So, all right, and don't cut this out, Keith. So we're pretending we just saw it? Yeah. Wow. Wow. You yell a out, Keith. So we're pretending we just saw it? Yeah. Wow. Wow.

You yell a lot, Gregory. Yeah. And you don't seem to enjoy it. All right. That was good. I like that. That was really sweet to put that together. Did you think, let me ask you this honestly, did you think two years ago-

You would have made a dollar by now? What? When we started. Wait, did you think two years ago? We would have made a dollar by now? When we started. Wait, did you say two years? It'll be two years in what? Wow. February? That's how dumb I am.

I think it is February. I don't know what 100 weeks means. Well, 52 weeks in a year. So it's been two years because we've only taken one week off in two years. Yeah, that math isn't exactly airtight. But yeah. Jeez. Okay, yeah.

Did you think when we started that we would be doing it two years later? Time is blurry now, just like for everybody. I don't know. People are like, it's weird. I wonder what the headline was exactly two years ago today, for instance. Oh, that would have been interesting to go back like what did kobe when did kobe this is what i do now kobe bryant died and on the front

page of usa today i think it was usa today um or a big one, New York Times, LA Times, one of the biggest papers in the world. Kobe Bryant died was on the front page, and there was a little article about this virus that was starting to make noise. Yeah. That's how I remember. All right. I have in front of me the very first script. It was March 16th, 2020. All right, I have in front of me the very first script. It was March 16th, 2020.

Oh. The front page was Tennessee men hoarded 17,000 bottles of hand sanitizer. That guy got it right. The first five states had just shut down bars and restaurants. I remember we waited because we didn't know what was happening. And then we're like, all right, we're going to be locked in. Let's do this thing. I remember we waited until that, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, March 16th. Trump had just tested negative for the coronavirus. But it didn't last long. Justin Trudeau of Canada tested positive for it. Yeah, for sexiness, too. And that was it. We didn't have a lot of stories.

That was kind of it. Come on. You have that. I mean, what do we, probably St. Patrick's Day based on the date maybe? Yeah, we must have talked about St. Patrick's Day, but that was it.

That was the first script. Oh, we didn't know what we were doing. I'm like, now you saw this flawless start to show 100. We're really nailing it. All right.

We got a big day planned, buddy. We do. We're 14 years old and we're going to kill today. We're going to nail it. We are going to finish the podcast and then go meet at a bar or a restaurant for drinks and some appetizers. Then we're going to smoke a phenomenal amount of marijuana. And then go see Jackass. I bought 10 tickets.

And I do feel like a teacher with a group of, let's just say, special kids trying to corral. It's like herding cats. Yeah. It'll be interesting to see how this breaks down. And, of course, I can't wait until everyone complains about where they sit and all that. But I blocked out 10 seats. They're reclining.

Do you know they're fully reclining seats in this AMC theater, which is an old theater, by the way, but they put in the nice seats. And we got 10 right in the center. I can't wait. Those movies have to be seen in a movie theater. There's certain ones, James Bond movies, Mission Impossible movies, those need to be seen in movie theaters.

Porn. Porn. I know I'm alone on that, but I still think that's how you should consume pornography as it was meant to be on the big screen with a lot of people around you did you ever go to a porn theater in New York in Times Square

I used to go to the theaters that had individual booths I never went to like a theater with a big seating area. Semen stained seats. Can you imagine sitting in one of those seats? I can't imagine standing where I stood. I know.

How about, all right, if women don't think men are animals, all right, listen up. Times Square had a bunch of these stores back when it was Times Square. And one of them you could go in and there were individual literally booths that would play. And you could press button, play whatever. And I guess all the tapes were looping. And you could then pay to watch a minute of a porn. Guys would go in there before going home after work or whatever and work it out before they... I'm not even kidding. But this was what I started to say.

In these places, a few of them had booths that opened onto a circle, a room, a glass room with a woman inside. Yeah. It was like a cage fight with naked women inside. And they would wander around naked and they would dance

in front of you and some of them you could reach in. So most of them had glass that you couldn't reach in. Some of them were touchy-feely rooms. The disturbing part was there there's a what wasn't okay the yeah it would be it would be actually worth listing trying to find the non-disturbing part one of the disturbing parts is while let's say you're getting turned on or you're looking

at whatever you're watching three or four businessmen gawking at her. Like, you can see all the dudes looking in. Yeah. It was incredibly perverse and just bizarre. Well, it was literally the definition of a circle jerk. I did. I did have a hole to the next booth and I would reach through. Dude, I went into a place in San Francisco one time.

This is our clean. Wait, was this supposed to be our family podcast? All right, go ahead anyway. Never mind. No, I can't call. I've already said more than you, so I can't like stop you. I went into one of those. 101, show 101, our family podcast next week.

I was totally bored in San Francisco. This was probably 12 years ago. And so I went into one of those peep shows and I went into the booth and, you know, they give you coins. And first of all, if you could put a black light on these coins. And so I put one in and the light flickers. And so the room lights up from the movie and i look to my left and i see a flicker to my left and it was a janitor lighting his cigarette it was a midget with a flashlight and uh there was a glory hole there was an actual

true to life glory hole hip hip height right there on the wall and i could see a light flickering in the other booth so there's somebody in there and i just and you and i just so weird to think that right now if i put my penis in that hole i will get a blowjob and obviously the most revolting thought in the world I don't know but a small part of you going oh my goodness oh Jesus

that is the way to say the word midget no one is going to flag it in that story right you found the way to say the word midget. No one is going to flag it in that story. Right. You found the way. It's almost like the Trojan horse. You want to say something inappropriate? Here's your way to couch it.

Too many distractions all around. It's like a magician. Look over here. Don't look at what this hand's up to. All right. So, yeah, we got. And then Tuesday Tuesday we're going to go to the beach, a whole bunch of us. It's going to be 75 degrees out.

That's your plan. Yeah, this crazy weather. We'll get to it in sports, but I didn't know this. Do you know that all the snow in the Winter Olympics is man-made? Yep. Wow, that's not good. Speaking of our 75-degree beach day, people don't know this. Los Angeles gets cold.

It went down to the 40s last night. Oh, yeah. Sometimes it gets to the 30s. Yep, it does. Oh, in Malibu, there are parts of Malibu because of the mountains that they go down in the 30s every single night, actually. Yeah, yeah. I learned that with B Bert Kreischer's cabin. We had a cabin up there.

The first day we showed up, everyone was like, the next day, people had tripled their jackets. Because we're there early in the morning, and nobody living in Los Angeles knew that consistently some canyons up there, up high, are in the 30s every single night during the winter. Yeah. And it snows up there, up high, are in the 30s every single night during winter. Yeah. And it snows up there, too. And it's a cold. The numbers don't really do justice to how cold it feels. I spent a lot of time back east recently, and I was in 7-degree weather in Syracuse that did not feel as bad to me as 39 in Los Angeles, where it's like a desert cold and there's the ocean,

and it just gets it right into your fucking bones. Yeah, I don't know. Also, we're so surprised by it. So that'll be fun on the beach. Yeah. Yeah, I can't get over it. I'm so looking forward to Jackass, and I really do enjoy the movies. I hear, of course, this one has heart. I i think the last one one of them had a heart also it opened up with

like pictures of them as boys and stuff oh yeah and you know johnny knoxville you've met him right uh i mean he he does not know me trust me but i've met him a few times and and i worked jet we took jeff so we took jeff ross to their offices as part of Jeff Ross's show on Comedy Central. And all of a sudden, Johnny, like, so I'm Jeff's producer. I'm his executive producer. I'm his showrunner. Like, I, Jeff's on my watch. I walk over there.

This is when you were producing that show, The Burn. The Burn, which was like his roast show on Comedy Central. And Jackass had this cool, are there offices? Do you know which one offices I'm talking about? No. I don't want to describe them because I don't want to out them. I don't think they're there anymore. They were in a rundown strip mall, or bigger than a strip mall, a mall, but on the smaller side.

And in like a department store that had gone out of business. And that's where they filmed. Like you, you would see that giant hand slap people and stuff like that. So there were kind of like spacious offices. Anyway, we go over there and we walk in the office and Knoxville looks at me and goes, does the gesture shh gesture and holds up a cattle prod, an electric cattle prod. I'm Jeff's showrunner. I'm supposed to protect him and all this and I just have the biggest smile.

I'm like, okay. Yeah, get him. No warning at all. Of course, Jeff gets cattle prodded out of nowhere and loses. It was so funny. Did he laugh? No, not at all. And of course, Jeff gets cattle prodded out of nowhere and loses. It was so funny. Did he laugh? Jeff rolled with it.

He did? No, not at first. He was horrified, but I totally rolled with it. I never got reprimanded or anything like that because I've been reprimanded by hosts. One of the number one rules in entertainment or at least in talk shows- Protect the host. Not only that, but hosts do not like surprises. Right. Even the best ones.

They feel very out of control. And even if it's a nice surprise, they want to be armed with something on how to respond or at least not be taken unaware. So almost I can tell you every single surprise that you see on air is not a surprise. That one was. Cattle prod was. Can I tell my story of doing on the Ellen DeGeneres show when I was doing the audience warm up? Okay, great. You know this story, right?

I don't know which one. You have a couple. All right. So I go, when I was on the show, I was a writer and a producer on the Ellen DeGeneres show when it first started for the first couple of years. And they could not find a warm up person for the crowd that Ellen liked. They tried a few people during test shows and then they had me do the test show just because they had nobody. And Ellen watched me do it. And she goes, you're doing it.

Because she loved how you danced. You're doing warm up. She loved how you moved. She loved how I moved. it. Because she loved how you danced. You're doing warm-up. She loved how you moved. She loved how I moved. And I said, absolutely not. I'm not doing warm-up in front of a bunch of screaming housewives every day. Do you know it's union? Well, no, that's what happened. Then the executive producer came into my office and they said, look, Ellen really wants you to do this, you know, in addition to your job. It's literally going to be 15 minutes a day.

You go down there, say hello, tell them to keep their shit together. You know, tell them who the guests are going to be. Don't pull your guess which guess which type of Asian. Don't pull that. Don't pull any of your your crowd, your usual crowd work, Greg. In fact, this is going to be way easier. All right. And so I said, I'm not doing it. And they said it pays. I don't know. Should I say how much it paid? Yeah, because it was, it paid like, it paid like $3,000 a week on top of my income. Yeah. And so I was like, I was like, yeah, I'm in, I'm in. Right. And so, uh, so I start doing it

and it was the very first week and I didn't know how to do warm-ups. So I was just, like, trying to think of stuff to do. And I go, all right, how about this, you guys? I'm going to say the word. When I say the word banana, you guys do the wave. And then I started talking. I said banana. Oh, my God.

I know this story. Oh, my God, yes. And so they all laughed, and it was fun, and I'm just hacking it up. I'm being a total hack. And so I go, all right, ladies and gentlemen, Ellen DeGeneres. And she comes out, and they would go crazy. You've never seen. It was like the Beatles at Shea Stadium.

Women were weeping. They lost their shit. Ellen had to have security drive home with her because these, they were truly fanatics. Yeah. And so she comes out and she says hello and then she starts the monologue. And as she's doing the monologue, she gets to a joke and as she's getting to the joke,

all of a sudden I freeze up and I go, holy shit. And she goes, yeah yeah so then i uh so for i made a smoothie and i put in some pineapples and a banana crowd does the wave alan has no idea she hasn't seen the warm-up she didn't know i did that and And she's going, she just stops and goes, wow, the audience just did the wave. That's really weird. Why would you guys, why are you doing the wave? And she's confused. She goes, okay. So anyway, so I made this smoothie and I put in a tangerine, a banana.

They do the wave again. They think it's hilarious. They think Ellen's in on the bit. This goes on. She says banana three or four times. And finally, the executive producer, Mary Connolly, just comes out, waves her arms, says, stop the cameras, stop down. And I have to go on stage and explain to Ellen that I have just sabotaged her. And you want to talk about a host who does not like surprises?

Oh, boy. She was not a fan of surprises. No. I don't know how I kept that fucking job. Jesus Christ. Well, you didn't. Well, I didn't, no. I eventually was fired.

By the way, the 3,000, by the way, people have to understand because you really didn't want to do it. It's not only, of course, $3,000 a week. Everyone in their right mind right now would be like, done, of course. It's also health benefits and all these, a pension. It's better than $3,000 a week, believe it or not. All right, go ahead. So anyway, that was my surprise story.

We want to thank the song this week from Jeff Snyder. It was kind of like, it sounded a little bit like Smashing Pumpkins if they were held in Guantanamo Bay and they were being tortured. Now, are we playing the songs? Oh, yeah. Send it. If you're playing the songs oh yeah send it if you're working on a song send it in um there's a very good chance we're not going to be doing songs much longer because of fucking youtube and their their bad mouth youtube they flag music and sometimes somebody will send us music you can can wholly criticize their blind, automated approach to it.

They automatically flag stuff if somebody else has put it out. Like, in other words, some of the people that are nice enough to write, produce, perform, and send us the music. Incredible. Also put it up on their own sites on YouTube. And YouTube flags that and says they own it. and then they take all our revenue for the episode. So we're down about 13 episodes of revenue from YouTube because of music getting flagged by people who had, copyrighted it themselves. So anyway, we're going to pick a song, and it's going to become the official Sunday Papers theme song. If you've been working on one, get it in right away.

No matter how good or bad it is, we want to hear it. We want to play it. It's been so great having people send stuff in, and I don't know. I think we're also going to try to figure out a way. Maybe it'll be on the podcast where most people, you know, ingest this beautiful artwork. And maybe not on YouTube. So YouTube would just have a standard open,

which I think is not that difficult for Midcoast Media to do. Well, also, we don't really need the money. It's easier than changing their name from Midcoast Media, considering they're in St. Louis. It'll be a lot easier than that. Yeah, which coast are they in the middle of? I think they're on the left one. The coast of Lake Michigan?

No, of course they're going to say the coast of the mighty Mississippi. Oh, yeah, the Mississippi, right. Yeah, but still. Beautiful coastline. No one calls that a coast. Yeah, yeah. The Mississippi. Right. Yeah, but still. Beautiful coastline. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The logo. You're like in New York.

You're getting on a plane. Where are you going? I'm flying out to the coast. Oh, really? I love St. Louis. That's what everybody says. St. Louis is where you go when you're flying to the coast and your plane crashes. Is it mid-coast because it's

between the two coasts? That's the worst name ever. If that's how it works. Is that what it is, Chris? Write your answer since we don't let you talk on the show. He said correct. He said correct. Oh, wow. That is confusing. That's like

bi-monthly. Am I doing it every two months or twice a month? Can we talk about the goddamn logo? Laith Nabilsi did our 100th anniversary logo, and it is a work of art, I would say. It's not in the document. You did email it to me, and I loved it. You saw it, right? I'm not lying. I did see it.

Yeah, it's not in the document. I did not see his name. I would have helped you on that pronunciation. It might be a woman. I can't tell if it's a woman or a man. It's Nadal. Hold on. I'm going to text it to you right now and see if you can see it.

Oh, you're going to text it to me? Yeah, there you go. You're going to text me that big black guy, I bet. Am I falling right for this? I have no text from you. It's going to take a second. It's very rich. You got Wordle and three out of six? That's the text I got from you from you. It's going to take a second. It's very rich.

You got Wordle and three out of six? That's the text I got from you, you nerd. Almost got it in two out of six. I got it in four out of six. All right. What do we got? There's no text. You texted it to a different guy, Mike Dugan.

All right. All right. So let's talk. But the artwork is awesome. Thank you. In addition to the musicians, all you guys who make this artwork also, it's incredible. Yes. Thank you all. Cool. What a little community. It's like, uh, no other podcast is doing this, right? I don't, I don't know of any other podcast that has its own song each week and its own logo every week. And it's fun for me. I go to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com, send the stuff in, send in your comments. We love to hear from you.

I feel like this is a fluid thing. It's not just on Sundays. It's all week. We correspond with people, and we love prepping for the show because it means hearing from you guys. Yep. Including corrections. Okay. Uh-ohoh only one correction today uh with one slip of the tongue greg turned the australian open tennis champion from a self-proclaimed atheist to a nice jewish boy his last name is pronounced nate nidal not

nadal love the podcast, Jill S. You had difficulty with pronouncing a name? Let's see. That doesn't seem like you. Wait, how do you say it? Nadal. You say Nadal. I guess I say Nadal.

Yeah. Which I just said that in an Italian accent just to keep people guessing. By the way, have you watched- Nadal from Espana. Yeah. Have you watched that... Is it the heist, that Spanish language show? No.

What is it? I'll watch it. It's the biggest thing. I can't believe you haven't heard of it because you're such a like... Because I'm no longer watching Someone Somewhere, so I have time. Oh. And Pam and Tommy might be quitting on Pam and tommy also all right all right all right we'll get it to all this entertainment yeah we will um i got some tour dates coming up people

uh thank you guys for supporting the dates i just did this winter and now we got uh february 24th through the 26th comedy off broadway in lexington, Kentucky. The following night, February 27th, I will be in Omaha at The Waiting Room, which is this cool indie rock club. And then St. Patrick's Day, Mike Gibbons joining me, Dennis Gubbins. And we always get some big-name headliners to drop in at the Hollywood Improv on St. Patrick's Day. I don't think I'll be there. What? I'm marching in the parade.

It's a big family event in New York City. Get out of here. I don't think I'll be there. What? I'm marching in the parade. It's a big family event in New York City. Get out of here. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't bought my plane tickets yet, so it's not real to me yet. But, yeah, that's, oh, boy. Okay. Well, it's not definite.

We'll see. Is your father the Grand Marshal again? No, he's not. But, you know, he's invited to march every year. I guess you're kind of grandfathered in or whatever, but we'll see. I haven't bought my tickets yet or anything. If people don't know, Mike's dad is very prominent in the Irish American business community, and he was the Grand Marshal of the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York about six, seven years ago. Yeah, and the cultural stuff.

He loves those cultural Irish dudes. Steve Hamill, seven years ago. Yeah, and the cultural stuff. He loves those cultural Irish dudes. So, well, fuck, I might have to go with you then. We may have to cancel it this year. What about a show in New York? Maybe we'll do a show in New York. All right, but for now, the show is on in Hollywood. St. Patrick's Day. Get your tickets.

They will be refunded if I go with Mike. Your ticket will be good. Just buy the ticket, and you can use it at a club in New York if we end up doing it there. All right. Here's the other thing. Was it going to be, you know, it's a Thursday. Yeah. What about doing the, I guess, Saturday night's tough at the improv, right?

No, we could probably do that. We could probably do that. I'm supposed to stay in New York until Sunday, but all right, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. All right. Spokane, Washington, April 14th through 16th. New Orleans on April 21st. New Orleans, April 22nd, Lafayette, Louisiana.

either april 21st new orleans uh april 22nd lafayette louisiana and um and then we'd uh we'd like to promote this week instead of doing any advertisement we have decided no ads this week so here's our ad go ahead dennis gubbins is one of the top working voice and character actors in hollywood he is available for commercials. He just booked a major national commercial for McDonald's. Yes, he did. He's being paid in food. Obviously playing Ronald. Yep.

He's being paid in food. Because of the, I think he got a little offended at the food baby emoji, but he is the meanest to himself about his belly. Yeah. So I don't know what he's taking offense to there. But, yes, so Gubbins, I think we're popping his picture up. And with his Instagram, let's give a shout-out to his Instagram, which I don't know what it is.

Yes, we want everybody to follow him on Instagram. He's got a great feed. Always puts up funny stuff. Yeah. Alright. DGubs. It is DGubs. That's all it is. D-G-U-B-S. Oh, look. He's a he-him.

Oh, interesting. Sounds kind of... Oh, he should have told us that a long time ago. Sounds provocative. I've been screwing that up. I've been screwing that up a lot. All right, he has 1,000. He doesn't put a lot of effort into his Instagram, but maybe he will now.

He hosts a stand-up show, so there's two stand-up shows, and then there's a depressing plate of salmon and asparagus. Those are the top three there. Anyway, he has 1733. Let's get that number up over 2,000. All right, let's push it. Let's get it up over 2,000. Everybody follow him, and then we'll check in next week and see how many followers he has.

Let's see the power of this podcast. Yes. Mugs, I believe. I have low four digits. I have very few followers. All right. What are we doing? I believe the mugs are completely sold out. Oh, that's the power of the podcast. And you got a newspaper there. Let's do some crinkling. All right. Do you know what I could crinkle? What? I have one of your t-shirts still in a cellophane bag. There you go. In this closet. But wait, no, I have yellow. Hold on. I have, I told you someone sent me that, right? What? I bought that t-shirt off a listener. No. Yeah. Remember I told you about the two mugs? I can't say too much because I'll out the person. But there was a couple who broke up.

Two mugs and a T-shirt were already on the way. And I felt so sorry. In other words, she had bought them and she was going to give them to her boyfriend, her then boyfriend. I'm not saying that. I can't believe you're not assuming it's two dudes. Could be two dudes. So anyway, yeah, you see your blind spot? All right.

Anyway, let's get to it. Front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! All right. Sexual harassment in the metaverse? Yes, Greg. A woman in the U.K. wrote in a blog post that she experienced a real horror play out in the virtual game Horizon Worlds, developed by Meta.

Within 60 seconds of joining, she wrote in the post from December, I was verbally and sexually harassed. Three to four male avatars with male voices, essentially, but virtually gang raped my avatar. All voices essentially but virtually gang raped my avatar. She details watching her avatar get sexually assaulted by a handful of male avatars who took photos and sent her comments like, don't pretend you didn't love it. Hmm. Huh. All right.

Yeah. She's the vice president of metaverse research. Maybe they should put a dude in that role. Just saying. But by the way, I don't know if you had the same reaction as I did to this story. 60 seconds is an eternity in a video game not to get teabagged or gang raped. She's obviously very new to this. Yeah, right. I mean, I I heard that Cosby is playing this game and he'll he'll put women's computers to sleep. All of a sudden, your computer's asleep and the metaverse is a very scary new place.

And also she's like, essentially, but virtually gang raped my avatar. Is your avatar litigious? Like what's, what's going to happen now? Right. Then you should essentially and virtually file fantasy charges. Wow. I mean, it is harassment. It is disturbing.

She can sue them, of course. Yeah, it is disturbing. We're making light of it, but it is like, uh, I can imagine being a woman and getting very upset by this uh all right listen yeah i'm all i'm all brazen here with my laughing and my jokes uh i got a virtual reality game early because whatever it was they brought it to a show i was working on i saw it all i'm like oh my god this is the coolest thing god is a christmas gift for the kids we go in this one world i forget what it is because it's famous for having, even though it's a really

innocent game, it's famous for creeps getting in there and harassing people. So I put the headset on and I think Olivia was like sitting near me. Thank God she didn't hear or see anything actually that I saw. Oh, she might've seen it on the screen, but I had the headset on and all of a sudden the guy comes up and starts, an avatar comes up to me and starts humping me. No. Yeah. And by the way, the avatar I believe was Olivia's.

So it was a, the, it was a young girl avatar. And, but I was trying to get it to work. And then all of a sudden, so I have headset in. I know.

And by the way, so many people listening right now, I am stating the obvious. They're rolling their eyes like I can't even believe Gibbons is new to this. I had earphones then in. And all of a sudden, the guy's like, don't worry, it's OK. In my ear. No. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I think I might even say that out loud and i'm trying to

contain myself because olivia's there and then i start pressing like the space like i just wanted to jettison out of it and and i think he even goes like you're trying to trying to find the escape key or like like and he's like it's all right and it was the most i felt violated really and it i have to say it was terrifying i was like wait a minute he knows and it was olivia's like name her whatever her name that we registered with stream or steam it was steam vr and i'm like holy shit is there any way like an address can be all of a sudden i was you know like i can make fun of these nerds in their basement or wherever they are, and there's no real threat. I was rattled. Well, it just goes to show, sexual harassment and assault, it is a crime of control and power.

And it doesn't even matter if it's physical. That is how you experience it, whether it's virtual or not. So we take back all the jokes we just made. Yeah, exactly. Except Cosby. Jews. Oh, moving on to Jews. This will cleanse the palate. A New Jersey snowplow operator who seems like a real fun guy has been suspended for intentionally blasting two Orthodox Jews with snow as he drove past them on Saturday in Lakewood, a local outlet reported.

The employee is suspended while we investigate the incident, but we can confirm that his behavior will not be tolerated. be tolerated. In the footage, Larmond is shown spotting the two men and powering on his plows blades as he approaches them, brimming with laughter as it covered them with snow. Well, listen, what can I say about Jews this week that Whoopi Goldberg hasn't

already said? Yes, this was not anti-Semitic. This was just a lack of humanity. We're going to get to her in a little bit because I think that's a really interesting, I should have read more about it. I think it's an interesting topic anyway. All right. So this is a little tough for me to say. I'm not sure I'm totally against this, but first I have to play my Jew card. My wife, when I was married, my ex-wife is Jewish.

So my wife was Jewish. My kids, I guess, technically are Jewish. So I got to get that out there before I can say that these, listen, these dudes were dressed for it. The Orthodox Jews dressed like a snowplow is going to blast them all year long. All year long. They got a hat on. They have the longest outfit on. Yeah.

Like they are ready. The women are wearing wigs. They're ready for it. Right. No colors that are going to get ruined. Yeah. Yeah. I got to tell you,

I remember in Boston, having a car in Boston and these motherfuckers, I swear to God, they enjoyed plowing cars in. They used to blast your car and they'd cover it so that it just looked like a mound. And you had to somehow get an idea to get like a snow pick and just chip. Sometimes it would take you 45 minutes to get your car out.

Yep. And it would turn icy once it settled. minutes to get your car out yep and it would turn icy once it once it's settled it was one of those uh jobs where it's like we're looking at one step at a time step number one this road has to be cleared for people driving it's like but you know everyone's gonna put the snow back in the street to get their car out yeah it's like we're not we're not thinking that far ahead yeah right right do you remember there was a really, really huge snowstorm? I think it was after I moved here. So that means it was either in the late 90s or early 2000s.

People will remember it. But it was a blizzard in New York City late, and it was so big and it wasn't melting that they used garbage trucks to remove it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that. And dump it in the river. Yep. Yeah. With all trucks to remove it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that. And dump it in the river. Yep. Yeah. With all the chemicals. Oh, I remember getting plowed in Boston.

Tits! Oh, boy. A model claims she was told to cover up at a theme park for wearing a crop top after being told her breasts make people uncomfortable uh whitney page 26 visited universal studios in orlando and says she was shocked at how she was treated by staff the model claims that an employee informed her that she would have to cover up her cleavage if she wanted to be let into the park whitney was wearing get your pants down, guys, a white crop top and mint green shorts, but says many other women were wearing similar outfits.

All right. First, I have to play. I have to play my woman card. I was married. I have two daughters. All right. Now with that out of the way, Whitney said the other women were wearing, oh, she said similar outfits. I'm going to guess, this is very offensive, I'm going to guess the other women were smaller. I have no idea what Whitney looks like. I have not seen a photo, probably

because she can't fit on one, but I'm going to say... Have I been canceled? Should I even finish this podcast? I've seen the photo of her. Oh, you have? She is quite voluptuous. I'm making none of this up. Wait, are you making that up?

No. I have not seen it. Yeah, look it up. I am saying that. Chris, if you could post a picture on there. I don't know. I think we're doing all right without seeing a photo of her. Because I'm

sorry, if you are 26 years old in a white crop top and mint green shorts, and you are a smoke show, no one at that park is going to tell you to cover up. No. No, the... So really, listen up, ladies,

I'm really criticizing men, especially the men workers there. And I'm assuming it was a man worker. I shouldn't assume. But who told her to cover up? I. Here's the play. When you're at the amusement park and you see a girl like that, You really want to look at her, but you're with your kids. And there's nothing creepier than a middle-aged guy with his kids fucking staring at some girl in lime green shorts and a tank top. So what you got to do is you go, look at that. I can't believe somebody would dress like that at the amusement park. Look. Just look. I mean, really look.

You know, I told you one of my covers, which I foolishly thought worked. But, you know, listen, my ex-wife is not an idiot. And so but whenever I got caught, which I didn't like a lot, but like I would try to be subtle. Let's say we're eating outside on a sidewalk at a cafe and a woman walks by. But I remember one time really sensing like I I then looked back and made eye contact with the wife and she's staring daggers right through me. And I just as quickly as I could just scrambled. I was like, do you see her like eat something already? Like that was she's disgusting. What is, a size two? Yeah. It's ridiculous.

She needs something in her mouth like my cook. So unhealthy. Meanwhile, I love that they're telling her what to wear. Meanwhile, Minnie Mouse has got on a micro miniskirt. I don't know if you've seen her. Totally sexualized. Winnie the Pooh, no pants. What about the hot chick with the seven little guys you mean you mean in the cave and she's unconscious and they're dwarves come on exactly come on um i didn't read you know

the fur the second word of this story is model i didn't know she was a model i skipped over that part and i still made that model is in in modern colloquialisms, means you have an Instagram account. A model healthy eater. Look at your texts. You were sent some photos of the woman, and you'll see what kind of a model she is. All right, let me see. She is as curvy as a woman can be. On the attractive scale, she's attractive, though.

She is attractive. I am very surprised they told her to put clothes on. I take back everything I said. I was wrong. That is a woman. You wouldn't call this person unattractive. I mean, yes, it's bombastic, and it looks like how she would audition for the role of Blondie,

but she's not in the unattractive category. No, she's not. She is in the category of in six years she's going to be quite unattractive because she is exploding at the seams right now, but it works. But it ain't going to forever. Well, I apologize, Whitney, and you have a new follower. All right. All right, I was wrong.

I was wrong about that. I think I'm right about the Jews, though. All right, next category. The airline that carried monkeys part of the way to a U.S. research lab before they were involved in a highway crash in Pennsylvania will stop its shipments. Clivlaku paid the airline to fly the animals from Mauritius, an island nation in the Indian Ocean, to New York. The move by the African airline is the latest skirmish in a long-running battle between animal rights groups and researchers over the use of animals in medical experiments. A truck towing a trailer with 100 monkeys.

This sounds like the beginning of a great joke. Collided with a dump truck on a Pennsylvania highway. Several of the monkeys escaped. Authorities said later that the three were shot and killed, and they accounted for the rest. All right. Listen, animal experiments are one thing, but letting 100 monkeys drive a truck, it's too far.

It's too far, guys. Is this... Who had this plan? Was it a writer of a children's book? Hear me out. We have 100 Curious Georges. Spirit Airlines was never involved in this controversy. No, no.

Because even monkeys know not to fly Spirit Airlines. They want to reserve a seat. They want to know what seat they're going to be in. I'm shocked the monkeys didn't reroute the plane and escape. It's like Con Air. Remember that Nicolas Cage movie? Oh, right, right. Where they're all being flown and they hijack the airplane. Yeah. So if the monkeys hijack the airplane, Greg, what would their demands be? I'm going to go first. I think the first demand, and I know it's the obvious one,

is that Israel has to get out of the occupied territories. Well, of course. It's the first. Of course. The first demand they make. Yeah. They're not idiots. Yeah.

I think they would want to go to Ecuador. That's where a lot of the Chiquita bananas are made in Ecuador. I think they'd probably want to go there. That's very smart. That's a good move. They could even crash into the jungle and just banana frenzy. I love the fucking shot. The activists are upset because they were taken out,

probably cleanly with one shot, as opposed to brought to the lab where they would cry to death, wearing mascara and sporting a 48 hour erection just filled with every fucking pharmaceutical known to man don't shoot me are you guys gonna show me porn i thought that was the arrangement yeah right oh i'm gonna wear makeup and feel pretty and you're going to have me watch images and test my vitals. I might even be credited with finding the cure for COVID. I'm sure you're going to test some vaccines on me.

Right, right. I'll take the AIDS if you're going to give me the hand job also. Oh, my God. Sorry, so they're being shot at. You know that far side. Oh, I forgot to get my blondie. Oh, Chris, can That is... Sorry. So they're being shot at. You know that far side... Oh, I forgot to get my blondie. I forgot. Oh, Chris, can you find blondie?

Sorry. I'm doing that way too often. You mean family circus. Family circus. Right. And I'm making poor Chris hunt and find family circus. So anyway, one of the great far sides was it was a deer standing up and hiding behind a tree. And's a hunter and he's like, look, and he's like peeking out from the tree. Like, do I know him?

Like, why is he shooting at me? And it raises the question like a cow does not know when you're walking up to it with a with the cattle. Is it the cattle prod? The thing that goes right into its brain? Yeah. They think that's the most humane way, I guess. And I'm not defending it. I'm just saying, I'm just listing details.

Because I think it absolutely just cuts their brain in two and the thing is immediately dead. And it also is no longer is conscious regardless. So maybe it doesn't feel the pain, blah, blah, blah. But when you're walking up to it with that thing, it might be scared, but I don't, I'm wondering when you shoot at primates, I think they know you're shooting at them and trying to kill them. You think?

I, I, I don't know. They're in, do you ever point a gun at a dog that's never seen? I know that's a weird question. Do you know dogs have a fear of guns even if they've never seen a gun before? Get out of here. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had a BB.

I've never shot a dog. Trust me. I've never even thought about it. Right. But they do. I think even anything. So maybe I'm wrong about the cattle prod, but I think intelligent animals sense like impending danger from things. But, oh, man, chimps are super intelligent for animals.

And I think if you shoot at it and miss it, I think it adds things up pretty quickly. Yeah. Yeah. And they are really trying to avoid being shot. Yeah. Anyway, just putting that out there. Well, my dog should avoid me putting him in the car in the next couple weeks, taking him for a ride. Now you're like, where do I get one of those cattle products? It would go right through the dog.

It would come out its ass. The door has opened for some questionable alternatives to treat COVID-19. Urine therapy, where advocates encourage people to drink their own urine to tap into its redemptive properties, is among the latest in a video calling the therapy the next COVID antidote. I've seen a rise in anti-vaxxers and conspiracists supporting urine, Viagra, and other odd alternatives to the vaccine, said Dr. Amanda Torres. It's dangerous. Christopher Key, who preaches the dangers of vaccines and masks, has taken to promoting it. Quote, okay, and I know a lot of you, this sounds crazy, but guys, God's given us everything we need. And Key claims he's done a ton of research on urine therapy.

A ton? Or a gallon? How do you measure research on urine therapy? All right. Listen, I'm very open-minded. But urine and Viagra? Am I the only guy who can't pee with a rock-hard erection? Have you tried? Have you tried?

Have you tried? Yeah, what are you talking about? In the morning. You can pee with an erection. Now I got to let it calm down a little bit. Yeah, of course. Yeah, but I wonder if you just went outside and you tried to shoot it straight in the air,

could you do that? Because I think what keeps it from going is pushing it down to aim it at the toilet but could you shoot it straight up in the air with an erection i could try right now because i'm i got you haven't i got a little turned on by this dr amanda torres and the idea of her watching a lot of dudes peeing and drinking it gallons of research yeah well i guess if you drink your urine, it will keep you from getting it because that six-foot rule will be in effect when your breath smells like hot piss.

Don't you also go insane? I do know that it's wrong information, that if you're shipwrecked or you're alone or stranded at sea, and those are the most famous stories about, you know, about all these people drinking their urine and it not going well. But I do heard it can sustain you for a little bit. It is. Oh, no, no. It definitely has properties. I mean, it is not a long term solution, but it could get you to port. No. And I think mountain climbers do it.

It's actually good for your body. It helps you acclimate to higher altitudes when you're climbing. I really, I now think you're shooting from the hip here. Nope. Nope. 100% true. It sounds like a Fitz fact. That's what we should start calling them, a Fitz fact.

You know the New Yorker? I read it in the New Jersey-er. So I'm not sure if it's right. I read the New Worker. The New Yorker? No, it's kind of like that, but it's a little west. It's the New Worker. And they don't print it, but there's this website,

and they pull information together. It's usually written on a bathroom stall wall yeah at a rest stop the port authority west stop in newark new jersey um but it's i wonder i would think though if you pissed it would be the perfect temperature to drink not too hot not too cold It would be exactly your body temperature. Yes, but you know your body temperature is a lot hotter than you realize. Well, then you blow on it a little bit. Like, you just have to go, whatever.

Now that's going to sound gross and sexual. But I'm just saying that, like, everything we're sensing, like in our face, our smell, our eyes, our mouth, uh,

it's way cooler than 98.6 degrees. Speaking of sexual, let's go inside to get to that heat. A former Southwest Missouri teacher who was charged with having sexual relations with a student is no longer facing prosecution. Why? Because she and the student have married bailey a turner 26 was charged in february with having sexual contact with a male student while she was in her first year of teaching english at sarkozy high school first of all mid coast media in missouri frantically taking notes on this story i can tell

you that right now chris is all about this the charge was dismissed because the marriage means the former student can no longer be compelled to testify against turner which makes prosecuting the case difficult turner has surrendered her state teaching license. This is a, I don't know what would they, there's probably a legal phrase for it, but like a, you can't create a loophole that avoids what really happened by, by redefining the terms. Like for instance, it's, it's a weirdly related, but when I went to like my heart guy, right? So I did the stress test cause my dad had a open heart surgery. I thought he was old as fuck. He was 59. You have the same dad issues, way more serious actually with your father, but maybe not with

you though. So anyway, I go in and they do that scan, the calcium scan thing. Have you done that yet by the way? No, I need to do it. All right. You need to do it. No, no, no. I did do it. I can't. Mine was not good. Not good. It's an x-ray. It takes four minutes. It's

an x-ray. It comes back and then they can see where the calcium buildup is in your heart valve source. So anyway, the guy goes, good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have that much. The bad news is where you do have an accumulation is in a valve that the medical community calls the widow maker. So I go, well, that's a relief because I got divorced. In other words, I can't redefine this, this true reality that's going on by just changing the terms of my marriage. In other words, like, Oh, now I can't be, I can't create a widow. I won't die because I'm not married. There's no potential widow. You can't undo this rape

by redefining it. Jesus. Right? I'm trying to follow. I'm not totally following you here. Are you talking about the semantics of it being called a widow maker? And since you're not married, you won't make her a widow? Right. That's the idea there is like, well, it won't apply to me. I can't make a widow because I'm not married. Right, right, right. This is like, this is not my rape victim. That's impossible because now it's my wife. Right, right, right, right. Are priests going to start marrying altar boys? Right.

I know. Well, put it this way. I threw you with the valve analogy. Well, I think the kid's getting an A. That's all I was going to say. That was my joke. I think the kid's getting an A. That's all I was going to say. That was my joke. I think the kid's getting an A. We should cut out my whole Widowmaker analogy.

It was too deep. All right. Yeah, the kid. Well, yeah. The kid. You mean the husband? The husband. The husband's getting an A?

I now pronounce you boy and rapist. Exactly. Victim and rapist. Exactly. Victim and perpetrator. Victim and predator. All right. All right. We have good news for Gubbins. Our section every week.

Good news for Gubbins. We already promoted him. He's the sponsor this week. He paid us a lot of money for that. But the good news for Gubbins is... He paid me a lot of money on the golf course yesterday. I fucking cleaned up. Yeah. I did too, by the way, which was surprising.

Here's the good news for Gubbins. The U.S. COVID death toll surpassed 900,000. Hey, Gubbins! And Gubbins wasn't one of them because he took many of those people's vaccines. Right. Of the 900,000 people, a lot of them were people less successful than Gubbins, of darker skin tones than gubbins yep they couldn't get to their appointment at one of the setups here in a los angeles college where the where the uh army reserve or whatever administered vaccines dennis could get there he was

very available you think gubbins's stomach was big. You should see the 900,000 people. Wait, what does that mean? They are overweight people tend to die of COVID. Oh, okay. I thought it was maybe the bloating that happens upon death. Oh, that also. That also. Yeah.

All right. So congratulations, Dennis. Yeah. Next section, entertainment. Okay. next section entertainment okay uh just finished the first the most recent season of ozark i gotta do no speaking of missouri no spoilers uh i'm not gonna spoil it i'll just say every time i think you know every new season of a drama they have to make the stakes bigger and when you talk about like

Breaking Bad how crazily big the stakes were in the last season oh my god but they were able to handle sometimes the stakes get too big and you go oh I don't buy this or it's just what Ozark goes there and they pull it off really

yeah and it's not the final season I believe they took the final season they pull it off. Really? Yeah. And it's not the final season. I believe they took the final season, they split it into two different seven-episode arcs. I think I heard that. So I watched the first seven-episode arc, and I didn't realize when I was watching the last one that it was the last one, which was very unsatisfying. I need to know it's the last episode when I'm watching it.

It's very funny about art that way. Like, do you? Do you? I mean, I guess the artist would prefer you didn't know. There is so much that's given away by definition of how you consume art. You know what I mean? Like in a movie, you know, when you're in Act 3. You know what I mean? And I bet sometimes storytellers wish that not much... I mean, obviously, there's the pacing of it, so that's not a good example. But like that, it's the last episode, and that people can see how long it is.

Well, in this case, it's not the last episode because it's halfway through this season. But I needed to know that there was a cliffhanger here and that I was going to be left with something to grapple. By the way, how about this zit in between my eyebrows? Can we deal with it? Can we talk about it? For the listeners, actually, I don't think I have to describe it. You got it. You got a great image of it in your head right now. Cyclops. You just put that zit inside people's skulls, unlike it is on yours. People now are conceptualizing it.

You could have worn bigger glasses maybe or not draw attention to it or put a little cover up on it. I put cover up on it last night before I went to do my shows and somebody saw it. And my friend said to me, dude, are you wearing makeup? Because I just put a big glop on and I didn't rub it in. Which is more embarrassing than having a zit that you've got makeup on. You didn't even apply makeup. Guys should be able, by the way, you know, I use a tinted moisturizer because of my stupid

face. Guys should be able to. I don't under, I mean, I'm not putting guy line on or anything. Wait, what's a tinted moisturizer? Well, my dermatologist recommends that anyway, because it has more zinc in it or whatever. But I also, you know, for my ego, I guess, or whatever, my fragile ego, I put tinted moisturizer on because of the redness in my skin. So you're like Trump. Do you think Trump wears tinted moisturizer?

Is that why he looks orange? No. I'm putting a tinted moisturizer sunblock. I should say that. It's a sunblock thing. Like when I go out and play golf. But no, he puts on full on makeup, which by the way, I'm also not against. Yeah. Why not? Why can't men wear makeup? Yeah. I mean, at least. Why can't I identify as a female? Something to even out the tone, especially us Irish guys. I know. Look at me. The fucking the light bouncing

off my bald head. You have a good looking head, though. I don't. I got a good head. I'm doing everything to keep this shit. I'm going to fucking get the transplant from the side, put it up top. Are you? Are you going to do it? Oh, look at my dad. I'm not going. I mean, I hope he's not listening. He doesn't listen to this. I am not

allowing myself to go. Also, I think I've told you the and I'm holding out pretty well like I mean how much longer do I think we're gonna live also when I got chicken pox which Pete Scott gave me chicken pox I thought I had it when I was a kid so I got it at 21 years old and it was bad because Pete had shingles and so I got it and then I had to fly back home. And I spent the most depressing night of my life in a cheap hotel in Caracas waiting for the morning flight. And roosters kept me up all night. They're not just active in the morning.

Wow, chicken pox and roosters together. It's a poultry potpourri. So I had chicken pox all over my body and my face. And I scratched one on the tip of my nose. And it created a little crater. The pock, if that's what it's called, the pock fell out of my, just fell off my nose. And then there was a divot. And I'm, you know, it's 30 years later and I still have it.

So the one place I could scratch and it felt almost sexual, like it felt so soothing, was my head. And I just ripped, I just scratched pretty ferociously on my head. So I know my head probably looks like the moon. I am not letting this hair go. So you're going to take implants from the back. I think they take it from the back, don't they? Wherever you have hair, I think they take it from. Right, right.

So I'm going to have a lot of pubes on my head. Nice. Yeah, nice pubes. Why do I need them down there? Take them from my nose. When my hair starts growing on my ears, which apparently I'm days away from, harvest it out of there. Yeah, yeah.

Do you have the hair growing in your ears? I have a buzzer. And yesterday I did a full removal. I took the buzzer, shaved the head. You can see it's nice and tight. The wife came in. She trimmed the eyebrows. I got the nose buzzer, buzzed that, buzzed the ears, and then I shaved.

And then I went out and fucking kicked some ass on stage with a with a splotch of uh on untended makeup now what uh how does she trim the eyebrows because your eyebrows look good she's got a little comb she pulls it out and then she has scissors and she trims them down you know like a barber would but i i have unruly orange eyebrows that if i don't cut them get long and go in my pupil they go like i was on stage last week let them get that long they get long i'm telling you they get really long let them get that you can cut eyebrows without a comb you can like just like push them up on your forehead and cut i usually when when they go in my eye, I grab it and I yank it out. That can be painful.

Yeah, it's very painful. Yeah. So what is it? I want to put this out there to anyone who knows. So my dad's eyebrows are bombastic. Yeah. And I think he's a smart enough guy. I think there's like a weird sense of pride because you'd see these old guys.

Remember Mark Twain? Didn't he have like, I know he had the hairiest mustache, but I think he had big, bushy eyebrows. I know Frank McCourt did. I know there's pictures maybe even of James Joyce. Yeah, the Irish have tough, tough eyebrows. It seems to be particularly Irish and maybe a literary thing as well but uh my father in law was jewish and he had he had it it's a sign of intellectuals they like to let the shit grow out the ears the no it's a sign that you're too busy reading and writing to take to do basic

hygiene and uh and it's my worst fear is that uh i will get old and be that guy who has to who isn't trimming his nose hairs. You think it's that or is there something almost like it's peacock like, you know, to have these big bushy, I forget the ear and stuff, but to have these big bushy eyebrows like it's it's like a lion's mane type of thing going on. Like, I think it's a, yeah, I don't know. It's obviously not virile, but it's, I don't know. There's something going on there, like, but you're right, there's an intellectual component.

Yeah. You want to talk about Someone Somewhere? I hear you're falling off of Someone Somewhere. So I watched all three. Yeah. Because I've heard good things about it. Yeah. So it's on HBO and it has that actress who's very good friends with Schumer and she does a very bawdy, I think that's the most accurate word, and like dirty cabaret show, right?

Yeah, it's amazing. I've seen it in New York. She's amazing. I've heard that. So listen, I like Bob Dylan. Bridget Everett. I can't even count how many people absolutely are baffled by my liking Bob Dylan. So I get it. I just am not. You really have to be. She was very likable in this. Don't get me wrong. But like her, I don't know. So i'm not i'm not on board this show i love this show i think

that she's so vulnerable she's strong she is caring she breaks your heart and she's not she's not like an actor actress that's done a lot of stuff she's a woman that's led a light the new yorker did a really good piece on her a couple weeks ago. The Newarker? The Newarker. The Newarker panned it. And then the actor that plays her dad was actually in Lucky Louie, which was a show I wrote on with Louis C.K. on HBO. Dude, he's a famous guy. He's a great character actor. Mike something.

I wish I could remember his name. Mike Haggerty. I think he might have been like a second city guy. I believe so. By the way, no. So they shoot this. It's supposed to be in Kansas, right? In the middle of nowhere, small town.

And I think she moved to Lawrence. But anyway, they brag. And it was a funny line that we're the eighth biggest city in kansas but it's shot right manhattan kansas oh interesting it's shot right outside of chicago though uh i did because i looked right because they couldn't get the camera equipment out there that they could in chicago so they oh but also all the unbelievably talented actors like Chicago has a lot of these people. And they talked about who's there also. I think the husband of the bitch wife, a bitch sister.

Yeah. And all that. So anyway, I was texting with someone and let me bounce this off you. Let me let me get your thoughts on this. So I go. I think it's just me. It's obviously well done and critically acclaimed and like friends, which I was referring to you, like it. I'm just not a fan of hers.

And I think, you know, obviously that's required. And I thought, so here's my first question to you. Regarding her singing and cabaret act, I always thought, would people be coming to this if she weren't obese? And I think the answer is no. Because I am not impressed with her voice. I know, but she is. That's the thing. That's like Adam Carolla the other day went on Fox News and he was talking about how AOC

wouldn't have a lot of power if she wasn't an attractive woman. And it's like, yeah, but she is. It's like, what are you trying to paint like what's the like in in the sum total we all bring things to the table good and bad and and that and and that whatever that complex um series of things is that's who you are and then your art is taking that and connecting it to people. So to say that it wouldn't happen if she wasn't big,

it's moot. Okay. She found a way to take her weight and use it as a way to be vulnerable and connect to people. That's a very intelligent reply. I hear you. That's a very good argument.

But to me, what it did, though, to me, it was a little bit of an echo of the show. And that's that's what made me think of it. So. So, listen, I said I'm usually a fan of the you know, the the people stuck in a small town trope. Right. Breaking Away is one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah. by the way, it really holds up. I was shocked. Oh, I showed it to my kids when they were like at the exact right age and they were blown away by it. And I think it's unfair to compare like that writing to this. Cause I think these writers, in my opinion, are in over their heads. So anyway, I also loved Lady Bird, right? I thought that did it really well. And there's countless others like so many independent movies are about the you have to move home. Something happened at home. And now you're in this small city and there's a lot of variations.

OK, but I found this to be condescending to small town America. So here's my next question for you. I don't know anything about the show's creation, but it feels like it was written by people who quote escaped the confines of a small town. And I guess they are gay or involved with gay culture like cabaret. It's oddly similar to the disconnect and sex in the city. I think that is a gay man's vision of what life was like for women in the city. So like, would your Midwest, like, so the person I was writing with is from they spent time in Nebraska and they said, I this would be a great mirror for my friends who are there. I'm like, would it be a great mirror? As far as I can tell, every character is. And I want you to call me out and check me if I'm wrong with any of this. with any of this. Every character in the show is either flamboyantly gay, trans, obese and depressed and or alcoholic or a total cunt like the sister and her friend. There's also a suspicious man

child, which is the sister's husband, and then a neighbor who seemed like the most normal. But it turns out he sells the worst drug in the world. And the only person I missed is the niece, who I loved, and I loved Bridget's relationship with the niece, but there was hardly any of that. What do you think about that? Yeah, well, I think that's fair. I mean, it's definitely a bunch of people from,

I think that's safe to say that it's a bunch of people from New york that have come and visited their vision of small town on this on this show um that being said like do you do you i've been to small towns do you really want it depicted exactly the way it is i mean it's like you ever read anything by oliver kittredge that that that book oliver kittredge by what's her name that main writer she won the poll annie pr writer, she won the Pulitzer, Annie Pruel. She won the Pulitzer Prize for writing this book about a small town in Maine. She writes about different small towns in Maine. And I mean,

it's so gorgeously written that you can get into it, but in a novel. And I know they, I think they tried to make a TV show or a movie out of it, and it was horrible because it just was so dead. Nothing happened. Well, they didn't shy away from the weight issue because most things do.

Like Field of Dreams, everyone was thin and gorgeous. Right, right, right. That's not what's going on out there. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, hold on. One more thing. I know the show probably experienced tremendous pressure to diversify wherever they could. And they made I'm not

giving any away here, but they made the X, you know, the the sister's girlfriend black. Right. And I thought that was interesting and that maybe the parents were thin and didn't drink before the black girlfriend. Right, right, right. And also that black character, this is when I was like,

I think I got to turn this off. This is of course going to sound very racist, but in a playful way. But I think that black character spoke the least black line ever uttered in a movie or TV show, which is sometimes you just have to buy a boat. Oh, I know you're talking. I couldn't remember who the character was. Yes. Tiny.

Right. Right. One scene. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Here's my closing thought. And I'm trying to win fans in Midcoast Media because they're from a shitty little town, St. Louis.

All right. I think stories like this, it helps to have at least one character that the small town, for which the small town works just fine. That they're genuinely happy there. And that raises more interesting questions like why isn't it working for the others? Why have the vision boards and the drinking or the desperate need for a karaoke night with heavy handed music choices that literally scream the theme? By the way, I can't believe they took that whatchamacallits song from So, the album So, Peter Gabriel. Yeah, it was so on the nose. Anyway, I think it'll do better in season two

because I think it'll get deeper in the character I think it's a show that is it's being produced by a theater company they're not people that are familiar with this medium of TV so I think you're right I think it is it feels like a play it feels like a musical. It feels like a musical. Big characters, big conflict, color, music. So I think that might explain some of it, and it may get more TV-ified to satisfy your fucking more simple TV needs as opposed to somebody going on a journey and a fantasy. Any playwright where this saw it would have less, more dimensions to the characters than like the one,

you know, listen, they're going to take a deeper dive on the mom right now. She's just drinking and bombastic and, you know, and, and the dad, who's a great actor,

you know, we haven't seen him a lot. Bridget, we have, we've seen multiple sides to her, which is nice. All right. Well,

we're beating this to death for people that have never seen it. They've tuned out. They've tuned out of the show. Then let's talk about cock. Are we going to talk about Whoopi or no? I thought we went entertainment. You don't want to talk about Pam and Tommy? What do you think so far? I haven't seen it yet. Let's put

a pin in that for next week. Because I want to talk about it and I think tonight's the night I watch it what is it three or four episodes you mean Sunday night you're not watching it after jackass I'm not I don't know uh maybe if you're all high and messed up sure I guess I mean by the way it feels like a good come down you definitely should definitely should be high because it's it's wacky. It's just wacky, like really wacky, actually. All right. So we'll be let's do it, man.

What do you want? What do you have to say? Well, ABC News suspended the view host for two weeks on Tuesday after she apologized for having falsely declared on the daytime program that the Holocaust was not about race. Who wrote this article? Do you need to say falsely? And a statement, ABC News president- I think you do. I think you do, because I have a question about it, believe it or not. But wait a minute. You're writing the article. You can just say that she apologized for having declared that the holocaust was not about race do you have to say falsely anyway no you're right if it's really news they would save that opinion because by the way it is a giant question if uh if jews

are a race right and all right uh sarah silverman did an interesting post about that exact thing today about whoopi and she said that it's not a race because you know she's like it's difficult to call it a race because we we look different we have different skin colors she's like meanwhile i'm an atheist and i can be killed in a hate crime. Oh, by white supremacists? Right. Right. Right. Who don't count Jews. Right.

Right. That's a great way to isolate that issue for sure. But, you know, a very confusing thing was, you know, Hitler, I believe believe like to throw around the word race and then the and then Jews historically did not like that of course but then like so I married into a Jewish family and it's like well no your your your daughters are Jewish because the mom was Jewish I'm like well that's sounding like blood in other words not a religion and so it gets very blurry fast right and sometimes it's like there's there's reasons there's good reasons to call it a race like sarah's point which is very valid and then sometimes it they it's it's it's a religion it's cultural it's not race so anyway go ahead well anyway so she uh she said what she said was wrong and hurtful.

Whoopi has apologized. I've asked her to take time to reflect and learn on the impact of her comments, Godwin said. The entire ABC News organization stands in solidarity with our Jewish colleagues, friends, families, and communities. But words matter. Except Whoopi. But, yeah, words matter. we must be cognizant of the impact our words have i love it's so it's so like scolding treating her like a child giving her two weeks off to think about it like like she's literally gonna sit in a room with the torah

and with some saul bello novels and with, you know, Anne Frank's diary. And she's going to think on it and she's going to be better at the end of two weeks as opposed to being on the air talking about it with other people that might challenge her views and let her talk about it. I mean, you hired a woman named Whoopi. Are you expecting her to get everything right? Her last name is Goldberg. How educated is Whoopi?

Did Whoopi Goldberg graduate college? Good question. Chris, you want to look that up? I think she was too talented to finish college. I mean, maybe she went to an art school. She was on Broadway. Wasn't she at like 19 or something or 20? I feel like she went to an art school. She was on Broadway, wasn't she? At like 19 or something or 20? I feel like she went to the high school for the performing arts or a place like that.

It doesn't even matter. She's not an expert in this area. She's an entertainer named Whoopi. But her last name is Goldberg. Is she Jewish? Does she have Jewish in her? I saw some articles this week about her story, her, you know, her background and questioning that she boy, she really went for it with the name, though. There's no mistaking that name. Yeah. So anyway, it goes on to say that.

I mean, by the way, was it so bad what she said? Honestly, listen. She said it's not about race. It's about man's inhumanity to man. Also true. I mean, the second part. Yeah. Man, the left has got to shut the fuck up. I'm telling you. Yeah.

Whether it's Joe Rogan, this. Wait, someone else was canceled. Someone else was canceled this week. And I'm not saying, it's just like, I don't know. Back up. It kills us. We got an election coming up and the right is easily painting us as a bunch of fucking overreactive, sensitive people who can't. There's so many people waiting to pounce and waiting to judge and waiting to correct

so they can feel better about themselves. I mean, Whoopi has talked on this show nonstop for a decade and she hasn't said things that were anti-Semitic. Did it suddenly slip out who she really is? Is it important that we point out who she really is now? We found it out and that she is somehow infiltrated and she's going to indoctrinate and all the other bullshit. And you nailed it. Have an intelligent conversation.

She's willing to. But the like go in the corner with your dunce cap, there's shame. There's very much a shame element here. And shame is not discipline. Discipline, Gregory, comes from the word disciple. It's learning. So how are we going to fucking learn by sending her away? Right.

Speaking of sending them away. Oh, God. These black Jews infuriate me. The blues. Giuliani's mass singer. You want to read this one? The blues is fantastic. Yeah. You want to read this one? The blues is fantastic.

You want to read your one story you put into the script this week? Bullshit, motherfucker. I put the first story in and you steamrolled and read it for me. I put that virtual rape in there. Oh, alright. You know I have a Google Alerts for virtual rapes. Alright,

where are we? I also put Florida Man. I've lost my way. I see Hugh Hefner. I don't think we should do Nick Cannon. That's boring. You don't want to do Giuliani? No, Giuliani, Masked Singer cameo.

So Giuliani's surprise appearance as a contestant on the Masked Singer prompted two judges to walk off the set, Deadline reported. Yes, because of his face. You can't unleash that visage, that hideous countenance to the unsuspecting public. I would have left also. Robin Thicke and actor Ken Jeong left in protest after the former New York City mayor was unmasked. Fellow judges Nicole Scherzinger and Jenny McCarthy,

wow, Jenny McCarthy, the original poster child for anti-vax, reportedly remained on stage and chatted with the controversial Republican. Thick and Jong eventually returned to resume the taping. Yeah, they returned when nobody realized, when no one noticed that they had left. Also, Robin Thicke looked around and he was and he realized Ken was the hottest bitch in the place. So he went back in a grope Nicole. Wow. He is he is a monster. Giuliani is a he's like a gargoyle.

He just is like a he's repulsive on so many levels. And their reaction was to just go, I can't be here. I need to not be with Giuliani right now. I get that. I get that. So people might hit us for picking on things he can't help, like his face. But as you and I know, you earn parts of your face by who you are. Yes.

Like, in other words, if this monster experienced truly inside more joy or smiled more, his face would look different. Yes. I think, like, Chaney has that face, too. He just has a face of a guy that's done bad things a lot. Well, here's a true story. Another Ellen story. Do you I don't know if you were there when Ellen somehow a note got to her, whether it was a tweet or whatever it was, but that her resting face was a frown and that she has to smile more. And a lot of it would come out when she was listening. And this is no fault of Ellen's. But Ellen turns to me and goes, do I have a frown when I'm not?

And she's like this. It's kind of like the famous thing of of like does this make my ass look big like what am i gonna say right i'm like no you look so i said you know what you know what makes your ass look big my eyes so i said and i remember it I said, and I conveniently said the wrong thing in a funny way. And so she looks at me and goes, because I remember it vividly. But what I most recall, it changed. I got out of jail free. It changed the topic.

So she goes, look, she's like, do I look, is this a frown? Like when I'm listening, this is my listening face. Is this a frown? And she looked at me and it was the biggest frown in the world. And I'm like, no, no, you look funny. Meaning, I meant it as a compliment, of course. No, you have a funny, you make me laugh. And that did not go well in a funny way.

And it never got asked to me again. But she, of course, had the biggest resting you know as they say bitch face but I have this thing when I'm listening I'd have to say yeah yeah when I was on Chelsea lately one time they came out during a commercial break

and Sue Murphy who was the executive producer and a good friend of mine she comes up she goes Greg what what are you doing? She's like, you're slack jawed. You look like you're completely bored and stoned. And I realized that's how sometimes I catch myself when I'm doing Zoom interviews and I catch my face like this. Oh. And I'm not, I don't mean to do it, but my mouth is open and i'm just glazed over and i have to fight that all the time ever since she told me that i was so horrified that i looked like that

on television that from that day forward every time i interview people there's a percentage of my brain that's saying don't make that face. Oh, I'm a mouth breather. I look like I should be on the porch in deliverance when I am just spacing out or whatever with my lack of chin and my mouth open. And then, oh, I saw something over the last month. It made the rounds. Oh, because some study came out about breathing through your nose is how humans are supposed to breathe. Oh, yeah, yeah. It might have even been in the New York Times.

Did you hear about this couple? It's a thing now. They're taping their mouth shut. Yeah, I saw that. For sleeping. Right. But they showed a profile of if you are a nose breather, which we're supposed to be from birth, talk about earning your face. It is true.

Your jaw, it affects your jawline. It affects the size of your jaw. It affects the size of your mouth, apparently. And it really changes your face. For the better. Well, based on our values, yes. You have a chin. You have a defined jaw. Obviously, not everyone's going to get this, but everyone will have more of it than they have.

Yeah. And and boy, it nailed like I look like that and I am a I'm a cretin. I'm a mouth breather. And I saw I earned this dumb face I have. All right. Let's go to Florida Man. Oh, boy, that's another second. Little Florida Man. All right, here's our Florida Man. This is a weird one, man. Florida boy reels in.50 caliber Barrett sniper rifles while fishing. in.50 caliber Barrett sniper rifles while fishing.

Dwayne Smith was shocked when his grandson, Alan Cadewalder, pulled in two.50 caliber Barrett sniper rifles while, you ready, magnet fishing. Oh. So the guy and the boy went out with magnetic rods after viewing a YouTube video on it. I don't even know what this is as I'm reading it, but I did see that. So we ended up with two pounds of scrap metal and 40 pounds of gun, the dad told the Miami Herald, his grandfather, I guess. I figured since it was our first time,

this was beginner's luck, but luck struck twice, and their pair pulled out the second rifle one drop after the first. Damn. So, yeah. It was tough pulling the guns out, they said, though, because they were buried beneath so many bodies in the inlet where they were fishing. Right. It just kept pulling up piercings. The bodies were so decomposed, it was just pulling the nose rings,

the clit rings, the cock rings. They say, and by they, I mean law enforcement says, the amount, also, wasn't there like a river in Jersey? What am I remembering? No, you're thinking of in Queens, she was at Sheepshead Bay. One of the bays in Queens was a dumping ground for the mafia. And a guy that used to hang out with Dave Attell, it was this guy who was an undercover cop,

and he used to work nights. And so he would come in, before he went to his shift, he would come out drinking with Dave. This is back when Dave was drinking. Dave hung out with a fucking band of misfits when he was drinking. They were unbelievable. Unbelievable. I would sometimes be honored to be in that group.

They would lock the door at 4 a.m. So no, because they had to follow the law. But anyone that was already in, and I a couple of times, and then they would call me such a pussy because I'd leave at like 830 because I had to get to work. Yeah. Right. So he would go out. So this guy might have been Jamaica Bay. I think it was Jamaica Bay. And this guy would get in in a frog suit and he would sit in the water. Underneath the bridge, because so many bodies were thrown off that bridge and then he would radio in.

They just dumped a body so that the cops that were hiding could go pull the guy over. He did that every night through the winter. No. And I did read some article and I think it was Jersey, but maybe Sopranos related because they had a scene. But there was one over where they went to look for one gun that they believed was thrown off because of this case, and they found like 30. Yeah. Yeah. No doubt about it.

But what is metal fishing? All right. If anyone has any experience with metal, clearly it's like, I guess, a metal detector on the beach, but you're dropping it in the water. That's my guess. Yeah. I mean, if you find the right spot, it would be a lot more fun than pulling up fish. Fuck fishing. I know you like it, but I've never gotten it. I've tried to fish many times. It's so boring. Oh, you'll like it. it No To pull out a sniper rifle

That might be kind of fun That would be better Yeah Mount it Let's do some international Okay Alright Alright sir

What do we got? Oh, this is mine, too. This is dirty. But here we go. A British man has reportedly died inside a, quote, happy ending massage parlor in Thai City after falling asleep and then choking during the procedure. Not the only thing to get choked in that spa. Thai City, I'm assuming, is in Thailand.

So when I was in Thailand, just a tiny little digression. If you wanted to get a real massage, I never got any massage in Thailand, but we were there. Anyway, this guy who lived there goes, there's a symbol above certain massage places. And I'm like, oh, those are the ones with happy endings. Like, no, those are the legitimate ones. Like, in other words, the legitimate ones had to have like a code.

Yeah. So you knew that you're going there for a like therapeutic massage. Because it's the best massages in the world. Thai massages are amazing. Right. So it's a best massages in the world. Thai massages are amazing. Right. So it's a very big industry there. Exactly.

So police say they arrived at the lovely massage shop, that's the name of it, to find Robert John Swain, 70 years old, had died at the scene. Mr. Swain. Grandpa. He had taken off his clothes and was lying naked on the massage table while being rubbed with oil by a masseuse, Miss Oriah, who's 39 years old. Oriah said it was the first time Mr. Swain, who arrived on a rented Honda motorcycle,

this guy's got, I want to be this guy, had visited the parlor for a massage. It was the first time there. Everything was going normally, she said. Then I noticed he was sleeping. Suddenly he started struggling to breathe. He was gasping and choking. I called the other girls for help and we started pumping his heart. One of the girls started pumping his cock just out of habit. Suddenly the girls came in and we started pumping his heart, Suddenly the girls came in and we started pumping his heart, grabbing his wallet, removing his watch, looking out for cops.

It's not working. It's not working. Get the paddles clear. They're shocking his cock. Clear. Girls, you're in the wrong area of the body. What are you talking about? Oh, God. So seven years old. uh all right what a way to go can you

imagine i mean what if this is the guy who like had never done anything like this in his whole life and he's 70 he belongs to church he's got grandkids he's married and he goes you know what why the fuck everybody keeps telling me i'll try it. I'll get a Honda motorcycle. I'll go across town. I'm going to live a little. I'm going to live a little for once. I'm going to rent a motorcycle. That is so outside

of my rut that I'm living in. Yeah. And then he dies. At the funeral, what do you talk about at a funeral? You talk about how a guy died. You know?

Did he go? Was he in pain? No. He was actually pretty relaxed. Story did have a happy ending. That's baked into it. There you go. What do you think happened, truly?

I mean, obviously we can't trust Miss Oriah. He didn't fall asleep and start choking. I wonder if he had just ejaculated and he had a heart attack. Also, he might have, like, jacked up on, like, Viagra or whatever it is that could have maybe exacerbated this heart situation. Oh, that Thai iced tea will really catch up with you, too. Let's do some sports. You got it, pal. Well, Mike Gibbons, congratulations.

After 19 weeks of football this year and a standing bet with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, we now stand at zero. You got it, pal. Unbelievable. Last week, I had to give you three and a half points. You owed me 60 bucks based on the Tampa Bay bet all year. We took the whole $60. We put it on the Rams game.

I gave you three and a half points. Rams won, but they only won by three points. Unbelievable. I mean, that's the whole. But it shows I'm wrong. The premise of my bet, which I'll repeat again, was that I thought it was an artificially inflated line for Tampa Bay because so many bros bet on their boyfriend, Tom Brady, that they have to make the point spread higher. So people bet on the other team. And I'm wrong, obviously.

That did not happen. At best, it's even. Exactly. Yeah. So no So, no money. No money this year. Unless, should we make a bet on the Super Bowl? We could bet on the Super Bowl. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I get the Rams because I took them last week. Yeah, and I like betting against Los Angeles.

All right. So, whatever the point spread is, we'll bet the point spread. How much do you want to bet? I don't know, $50? $50. You got it. You got it, pal. Are you doing your big pool?

The boxes? Yeah, I'm going to make some boxes. I'll let you know. I think I'm going to be in Florida. Oh, by the way, yeah, I'm in Florida visiting my dad next week. Oh, right. You won't be around for the Super Bowl. Where are you?

Wait, where are you next week? I didn't listen to your dates up top. I'm around next week. Oh, right. You won't be around for the Super Bowl. Where are you? Wait, where are you next week? I didn't listen to your dates up top. I'm around next week. I guess Fitzy has got a few tables outside at Penmar. You're going to watch it outside on the big screen TVs. I still think I could do it. I could probably do it Saturday. I'll find out more.

I still think I could do it Saturday, so we'll try. All right. We got other sports. Mike is correct about Troy Aikman's concussion issues. It's documented that Troy does not remember playing in the 94 NFC Championship game against the Niners. He once said in an interview that during the game, he thought he was playing in his high school Super Bowl.

Jamie in Boston. Jesus. That is scary because Aikman didn't even go to high school. Wow. All right. I didn't know he admitted not remembering that game. Wow. We'll see how long he lasts in the booth because he's pretty sharp right now.

He's very sharp right now. He is surprisingly sharp. I got to give it to him. The Olympics we talked about. No humans. Obviously, there's a COVID issue with the Olympics and all that. But no snow. It's all human-made.

In an Olympic first, though not an achievement to boast about, climate variability has forced the Winter Games to be virtually 100% reliant on artificial snow, part of a trend that is taking place across winter sports venues around the world. So listen to this stat or projection. Just one of the 21 cities that have hosted the Winter Olympics in the past 50 years, will have a climate suitable for winter sports by the end of the century, a recent study found. Wow. And the projection is based on if fossil fuel emissions remain unchecked.

So if you're a young athlete, maybe train in a sport that goes for the Summer Olympics and not the Winter Olympics. Not a huge future in Winter Olympics. Yeah. And I'd sell the condo at any ski resort in those towns. Yeah. Jesus.

I know. That's crazy. But we're going to get, you know, listen to what confuses it is we're going to get this wacky weather where like record breaking snow years are going to happen, you know, listen to what confuses it is we're going to get this wacky weather where like record breaking snow years are going to happen, you know. Yep. Because that's all part of it also. Speaking of the Olympics, swimmer Michael Phelps, transgender, alleged ex-girlfriend Leon Chandler is calling him a hypocrite for comments he made that implied that transgender women and girls participating in sports are not fair. So let me get this straight. If you're saying Michael Phelps transgender

ex-girlfriend, so does that mean the person that he dated identified as a woman previously and now identifies as a man, but we get to call her ex-girlfriend because at the time of their relationship she identified as a female also they put the word alleged and the word alleged is not in front of transgender it's in front of ex-girlfriend yeah um that's fascinating do you think it's alleged because Um, that's fascinating. Do you think it's alleged because he's not admitting they dated or is it alleged because of what you just said? It's alleged that it's a ex-girlfriend. Well, Leanne now identifies as a man, I believe, because he is criticizing that the playing fields are not level with him competing against women oh wait a minute no that if if a man i imagine what he's saying kind of like uh trans um women a trans woman swimmer would have an unfair advantage because they were born male. Oh, so he must have dated this Leanne after the transition.

So it is an ex-girlfriend. It's alleged because Michael Phelps probably is too skittish to say that he dated a transgender person. And now she is fighting back and saying that it's never an even playing field. She said he had genetic advantages. He is six. He has a six foot seven wingspan, double jointed ankles and huge feet. His chemical composition allows him to breathe and fill his lungs and hold his breath longer. So just so she called that, I read the quote,

that he's genetically superior with the wingspan and ankle, blah, blah. But it's like, would anybody be calling that genetically superior if he wasn't a professional athlete? If he just worked for the Geek Squad at Best Buy, would anyone be calling this freak of nature genetically superior? Right. And not only genetically, that's kind of like a misnomer because part of the reason why he's so successful is that he has extreme ADHD and that swimming laps became very soothing for him. And he got obsessed with it. Maybe OCD as well.

But he got obsessed with swimming. And if he hadn't had the ADHD, he never would have gotten to the level he's at. Right. Wait, getting back. Let's unpack this thing. I don't think Phelps. I think Phelps dated a woman who is then transgendered into a male. And what he's talking about, though, is just the what Phelps is talking about is just the

issue in general. But I don't think Phelps is claiming his former girlfriend, who is now like a man, that she's a threat to men's swimming. OK, Chris Denman is chiming in and who knows what Web site he got this information off of. Well, he he goes all these Web sites where they measure the Germans measure craniums and determine who's Jewish. So he might know a lot about this, actually. He says, no, she claims they dated. She's currently a trans woman.

So the question is, did he date her as a woman or did he date him when he was previously a man? Oh, I'm wrong. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah, it's a lot to unpack. We're going to revisit this story next week when we actually know what the fuck we're talking about.

I don't know. I think this has been fascinating. All right, forget Clemens. Yeah, let's forget all that. Let's cut directly to... Science? You want to do some science? It's a little dirty also, but what else?

Pighart? Pighart. Let's get back to that. Let's go right to this day in history. Let's do a little of this day in history. I like that. I like that. Here we go.

February 6th, 1952. King George VI dies. Elizabeth becomes queen. Wow. 52, 70 years ago. Yeah. So she was the oldest of the king's two daughters and next in line to succeed him. And she was 27 at the time.

and she was 27 at the time. So she ascended the throne after his older brother, King Edward VII, voluntarily abdicated, voluntarily abdicated to marry American divorcee, Wallace Simpson. Yes, we all saw the crown. We all saw the crown. It was also in the, uh, it was also in The King's Speech.

Yes. Which was great. And it was also in Elizabeth King's Speech. Yes. Which was great. And it was also in Elizabeth, which was a great movie. I didn't see that. We really have a lot of royal entertainment going on. Yes, we are fascinated with the royals right now. Including the podcasters who are over here in America. So then she married a distant cousin, Philip Montbottom. We all know Prince Philip in 1947.

So that's her cousin. Yeah. I think he pronounced his name a little differently, but okay. So she. 70 years. Well, I told you. She's my number one. And we asked listeners to send in their list of biggest impact deaths.

Oh, yeah, that's right. We got to read those one of these days. The queen has not been without controversy. She was seen as cold and out of touch following the 1996 divorce of her son, Prince Charles and Princess Diana. And again, after Diana's death. and Princess Diana, and again after Diana's death. Additionally, the role in modern times of the monarchy, which is largely ceremonial, has come into question as British taxpayers have complained about covering the royal family's travel expenses and palace upkeep.

Still, the royals are effective world ambassadors for Britain and a huge tourism draw. Today, the queen, an avid horsewoman, oh, she's, no, she's pretty. And corgi dog lover is one of the world's wealthiest women with extensive real estate holdings and art and jewelry collections.

Yeah, can't they just live? Shouldn't the royal family pay for themselves at this point with all the land and art that they own? All they would have to do is sell like one painting a year. They've got thousands of paintings that are worth tens of millions of dollars each. Just sell one a year.

Maybe holding onto them is better, but it's a little deceiving to describe the royal family's extensive real estate holdings. Do you mean colonies? The Cayman Islands? Well, it used to be Hong Kong. It used to be India. It used to be a country we're sitting in right now. It used to be Australia. It used to be Canada. The Falklands. They still got the Falklands.

The British West Indies. They still got a little action going there. Don't they have South Africa? Canada? Are those real estate holdings? I think they have a condo in West Orange, New Jersey. Two bedroom. Nice views. They got burned on some timeshares, including Hong Kong.

Hong Kong was a timeshare. That's right. And then it expired. Yeah. All right. Let's do some letters to the editor. You got it, man. All right, what do we have? All right, so Liz Brown said,

some people whose deaths may affect the whole world. Oh, here we go. Right on topic. Shaq would be huge. Huge. Oh, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. This is from Liz Brown? Is that her letter?

I think so. Okay, read, okay. Some, all right, she listed one, two, three, four. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. This is from Liz Brown. Is that her letter? I think so. Okay. Read. Okay. All right. She listed one, two, three, four, five people. Hit me with them. Four of them are black. One of them is Latina. Who's Latina? Madonna. Isn't she Latina?

Latina? No. She's like Italian from Minnesota oh yeah she's Italian right she's swarthy is that what you mean she is swarthy and she has had she has made love to many Latinos Latinos so who's going to make a bigger impact

Shaq, Michael Jordan or Snoop which of those three deaths do you think will register the biggest Michael Jordan. Oh. I think Shaq might because Shaq has done more post-career. I put Shaq third. Really?

Yeah. All right. Here's my logic. Shaq is no Michael Jordan. So already Michael Jordan's above Shaq. You mean athletically? Also globally. Jordan is on everybody's sneakers. It's Michael Jordan,

inarguably way better than, I mean, better than Shaq. Even if Shaq's in the top five, Jordan is multiple spots ahead of him. And Jordan is a name brand around the world uh jordan over shack for sure now you're talking about snoop more people i don't know i mean is snoop big around i don't know if he's big around the world or if he's just big in the united states he's huge around the world with him yes yeah he's also a i don't know if he's michael he's also a guy who brags about pimping women. Well, there's, yeah, my dad and I got into an argument. Like, he's like, because of course, you know, my dad's in his 80s and he had sent an article with Snoop lyrics advocating killing police. Yeah.

And so he's like, why is the NFL giving him a stage? Right. And so he's like, why is the NFL giving him a stage? Right. I'm like, because it's a nice distraction from the NFL letting wife beaters and wife murderers. Yeah, right. And all the and lying about concussions and all the evil shit that the NFL does. Oh, not telling a black guy he's up for a job when in fact he's not up for a job.

That happened this week. That got disclosed this week, I should say. All right. So that's a great one. Snoop or Michael Jordan? Let's let the viewers, the listeners decide. Yeah, you decide. Let us know what you think. Oprah's bigger. Oprah's bigger. I don't know. How international is Oprah? Oprah will be bigger than all of them because she represents something. She represents a woman of color from the South who was sexually molested, who went on to create a media empire that was filled with positive messaging, launched authors, produced films, produced documentaries, won an Oscar. Now, Oprah by a long shot. She'll be the biggest one. I don't know if Oprah is as big as Snoop and Michael Jordan in other languages in far reaches of the world. Where Jordan and Snoop have definitely had an impact.

I think Oprah is a non-entity in a lot of places those guys are. No doubt in America, Oprah is bigger, even though all three would be gigantic losses. Yeah, I think Shaq skews very male i think oprah skews very female but i think that uh it also depends on who dies right before them like if elton john dies the day after you do you're kind of fucked because elton john will get all the attention. You think Elton John over Michael Jordan? Oh, yeah, for sure. Maybe. But he's old, where Jordan, it's still a crime if he dies.

You know what I mean? That's true. It depends on what age they die at, circumstances. Yeah. It's interesting the way these things. Also, I would say about Shaq, I don't think Shaq had an intimate connection with his audience the way like Jordan really like his genius really. And same with Snoop really like made people cry and they slept under posters of them.

And I know there's Shaq posters. Don't get me wrong. But I honestly think that Snoop and Jordan struck a deeper chord. I love Shaq because of how funny he is. You're never saying that about Walt. Yeah, he's funny, but he's also like a really good guy. I mean, he has done more legitimate charity work than Jordan. Jordan is known for being the guy that took hundreds of million dollars on the backs of sweatshop workers that made overpriced sneakers that were fucking stolen from gang members who gang members would steal from other people. Like there was something unsavory about his his greed.

And I think that he has he has what has been documented more. I should say most people agree the worst Hall of Fame acceptance speech ever. And it was very, very selfish. Yeah. And Shaq is very selfish yeah and Shaq is a and I know Shaq and he's a good guy you know him as well I created his uh clip show upload with Shaquille O'Neal everybody saw it but uh he I like Shaq I like Shaq a lot so don't confuse that yeah he's just been he's just he's also grew up in the projects of Newark and through the Boys and Girls Club found a life coming out of a, you know, raised by a single mom. And, you know, he's a great American story.

Yeah. I don't know about that. Oh, yeah. It was Newark. Newark. By the way, I used to. I know we joked about Newark a lot in this podcast. You know, I did a a on ellen i pitched

celebrating they wanted like a theme like maybe and i go you know we could do a newark week and of course they're like what the fuck is gibbons talking about and i'm like a disproportionate amount of famous people are from newark new. And I had the list and it's crazy. Yeah. So I didn't even know Shaq was from there and I don't remember him being on my list. Yeah. Queen Latifah.

She was from there. Anyway. O'Neal was born in March 6th, 1972 in Newark, New Jersey. How long did he stay there? He didn't go to high school there though. Oh, he grew up in newark new jersey why do you have such a problem with that he moved to san antonio at 16 years old o'neill credits the boys and girls clubs of america in newark with giving him a safe place to play and keeping him off the streets wow look at that all right uh no but

because i i know where he got famous for for high school basketball was not in New Jersey. That's all I knew. So, Liz, this guy, Dave Peckman, said in because I had talked about how I had to I sharted and I went in for another wipe. And I went in for another wipe. And this guy, Dave Peckman, said in college, we referred to a return bathroom visit for a greasy BF. We're 10 years old and we're seeing jackass in a few hours. As a safety wipe. I've never heard what you're about to say, and it's great. I read it and I laughed out loud, which is rare for me, reading our podcast document.

And a number three. I got to take a number three, he wrote in quotes. That's so funny. That's fucking great. Oh, Dave, very funny. All right, we'll get back. I can't believe we've never stumbled upon that saying. I know, that's fantastic. I mean, we had so many sayings for it at work.

I don't want to say what. Yeah, whatever. When we were at Kilbourne, and there were a lot of really funny people there, someone got known as the stand-up Uno because it was noticed by recognizing their sneakers that they would be in the stall, they'd do their business, and then there was a stand-up, which I've never heard of, and a toilet paper roll thing, tear, and one wipe. And then they, I guess I can share this story, they had a smell about them. Wow. But it was called the Stand Up Uno.

And now maybe I can't tell the next story, but it was recognized on set in a commercial break. And it was asked to be addressed. The smell. I'm not kidding. Really? I wish. I wish I were kidding. It was incredibly.

It was incredibly embarrassing, even though I was not the stand-up Uno. But I was tasked, one of the people tasked with addressing it. Let's do the funnies. It's time. Oh, here it is. I don't even know if it's in there. I saw Denman email me. Denman seems to have erased all of my cartoons.

Oh, no. Did I ever put mine in? Oh, I got to put mine in. I got to put them in the documents so you can see them as well. Maybe we don't. Maybe we don't. Maybe we create a paywall. And if they want this week's funnies, it's $150.

$150. And that's total. That's you guys each contributing a dollar. Here is the first one is Lockhorns. Yours are in here. Oh, you just pasted them in? I just put them in. Loretta comes in.

She looks like she's got a bruise on her cheek and so you're thinking okay leroy finally fucking stuck up for himself yeah and she's she's got a driving wheel a steering wheel in her hand and she says to leroy remember you said you wanted a smaller car and then i put one in because i thought it was so lousy uh she's sitting at a desk at a computer terminal and there are a number of wires going into the wall a number of plugs going into the wall from the computer tower and the uh monitor and uh leroy says these days we do all of our shopping through outlets ah oof oof

that stinks um alright Hager the Horrible it's a it's a king who's sitting on what used to be a throne and is now just a box and he's

screaming and uh the queen who looks like she's approximately 12 years old is standing with what should be her son but looks like her little brother and says don't bother your father hager took everything and left a thank you card and uh and he raped me they left that out of the second frame. But you can see it in her face. She's in pain. All right. I, for some reason, can't paste family circus in here. Am I up?

All right, just describe it to me. I'm going to describe it and then I'll get it. Actually, no reason to get it. Chris has it. Okay. We got the dad, the dim-witted dad with the weird glasses. He's at the dinner table and he has a

it looks like a gravy what are those called that you put gravy in? A gravy We'll get to it. And he's ladling gravy out of that thing that we don't know the name of. It looks like they have some turkey and peas on the table. And there's this shitty little redhead sitting to the dad's right

and then this shitty little yellow-haired kid sitting to his left. And then the kid yells, no gravy for me. I like mine blank. It sounds like I'm a game show host who is saying, I'm not going to finish this sentence. You finish it. No gravy for me. I like mine blank.

Then they play music as all the celebrities on password or whatever the fuck that thing was, write in what the joke would be. And that's exactly what Bill and Jeff Keen did. They did not put in the joke. They left it literally blank. What's the line again? No gravy for me. I like mine blank.

No gravy for me. I like mine dry as mom's asshole. Okay. They'll take that under consideration. That is crazy. Okay, I'm done. I'm not even wasting more time or energy on it. All right, listen.

Thank you guys for the last 100 episodes. Wait, wasn't there a blondie? Oh, yeah. You want me to do this? This ungrateful slut? All right, here it is. All right. This fucking jackass is sitting in his blue chair, laying back like he's done something all week

and he deserves a break on a Saturday. And he says, I can't believe you said that. And she says, stop yelling at me. Now, right here, again, i want to get animated i want to get in that strip i want to grab him by the fucking collar and say you don't talk to blondie like that so he says i'm not yelling and she says okay i'm on his side go ahead she says okay then i don't like your tone and he says what tone would you prefer i use? And she goes, well, for starters, the one that agrees with me. That's right, Dagwood.

That's your fucking job. When you are in a relationship that is based on being outclassed by your wife, you go with it. You agree with her. You make her life as pleasant. It's going to be an unpleasant life because she's with you.

Try to make it livable. He should leave. She's impossible. She conceded that he was not yelling. And then she pivoted to, I just want you to agree with everything I say. If this was a marriage of peers, I would be with you. Don't you think he has to factor in who he is? It's what's on the inside.

You're just, you'd'd just like her shelf of boobs and her figure. I happen to like her catering company quite a bit. She's making six figures. Alright. You're right. She is a prize. Thank you to our listeners for the support

over the last two years. The last hundred episodes. I really feel like we need to go celebrate this tonight. We'll get some non-alcoholic champagne. You're going to get stoned again, and you're going to watch Tom and Pammy. You're going to force me to sit down and reconsider someone somewhere.

Yep. I want you to hang in there for episode four. I think you're going to come around. If you allow that this is not, you know, CBS Productions making a sitcom. This is a theater company trying to do—they're an experimental theater company, and they're trying to do something a little bit different. CBS sucks. I mean, that's not what it would be. Don't say that.

No, but, you know— You could work for them again. I don't even think they're going to be a thing soon I mean, not the network Networks Can you name a sitcom that's on the air? I tried to the other day Because I wrote a joke last night And I needed the name of a sitcom

To plug it in And I literally could not think of one that was on the air I mean, our whole lives It was like, you could not name one. It was Frasier, Seinfeld, Friends. Young Sheldon, which I think is like the number one show. Yeah, from

Big Bang Theory. Yeah. Not even an original show. A spinoff from another bad show. And that's single camera, by the way. That's not even the standard sitcom that we think of, especially on CBS. Yeah. Anyway.

Well, thanks again to you guys. Thanks to Midcoast Media, and we will catch you guys next week. You got it, man. Happy 100th. Happy 100th, Mike. Take it-ish. Take it eesh. Take it eesh! DAPERS! SLEEP DAPERS!

WHY? WHY? Why? Why?