Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 104 3/6/22

Episode Date: March 6, 2022

The Freedom Truck convoy is moving slower than the Russian troop convoy in Ukraine, the battle is on for Dennis Gubbins heart and there is briefly no joy on The View. Follow Dennis Gubbins on Instagram @dgubs

Sunday paper, Sunday paper, read all about it. Read all about it. I can't wait to address this technical issue. All right, Greg, you want to start screaming? Read all about it! Read all about it! Hear ye, hear ye! I'm a poor boy.

I'm trying to sell some papers and some apples. Nice hotel. The neighbors must love it. They must love it. Check, check. I'm in Baltimore. Oh, never mind. No one's in that hotel then.

The lady in the front desk was like, oh, wait. Why are you here? My levels are down. Hold on. I think we got to do it again. My levels were down. Please don't yell again. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Read all about it. Oh, my God. Does Baltimore have a paper? Does Baltimore, Maryland have a paper? Didn't they have the sun? Oh, the Baltimore sun. That's right. And what's his name work there?

Who wrote the wire? Famous. Well, John Waters lived here. He shot all of his movies here. The cults used to live there. Yeah, I just heard that the lady at the front desk, it is the most annoying accent. I mean, you've got Pittsburgh and Philly, which are bad,

which are right in the neighborhood. But the lady at the front desk was like, what did she say? She said... Wait, Pittsburgh's in the neighborhood? Well, not that far, right? Pittsburgh might be closer to Chicago.

But the accent, the Philly, Pittsburgh, andimore accents are all a little bit similar to each other yeah yeah all right i'll give you that and she the the lady behind the desk said to somebody um do you want me to leave that on your credit card and she said do you want me to leave that on near credit card out near credit card uh p, our near credit card. Pittsburgh is closer to Detroit than it is to Baltimore. But anyway, what do you rain,

man? I'm all right. I'm by the way, I'm a rain man. I have the same impulses, but none of the data. I have nothing in recall. So I'm rain man if i have google you're drizzling man i'm like human man i'm not even drizzling there's literally nothing there

yet but there's a hint of it there's an impulse there's a compulsion to be smart hey how did you do in the casino with Human Man? Not so well. He knows about counting cards and he counted them for one hand. That's as far as he got. There's still a lot of picture cards in the deck.

That I know. And the casual conversation was about as interesting as Rain Man's. I bring the negative stuff. just none of the positive um and we're gonna this club and like the there's an employee who is uh who is has ass burgers and then the the feature act has asked his brother has ass burgers i forget there's like there's like five points of asperger's and then i'm selling my pins and i raise money for best buddies it's like an asperger's festival

and um and then i had these two people in the front row who were on the spectrum and they kept heckling but not with like a one-liner they would go yeah yeah and the other thing about baltimore is in 1898 they came in and and they would do these long fucking like rain manny rants it was and they were a couple but they wouldn't admit they were a couple all right so hold on let me try to save you here so they were literally rocking back and forth so you are imitating the two specific people in the front row. Yes. Okay.

Greg, that's let's just set that record. Why did that look bad? Uh, yeah. Luckily you're probably freezing so much. That's another thing I want to say up top to the people on YouTube. Everyone reamed me on YouTube comments last week because I'm freezing.

I'm freezing because of your crap. Nothing's changed. I'm in my bunker. You're in a crappy Baltimore hotel and you have crappy Wi-Fi and you are ingesting my feed slowly. Because I, people should know, I'm recording, I don't know why, I don't know why I've got

the Zoom membership to have longer calls. Why don't you just pay the fucking twenty dollars a year and then you can record it on your computer and this won't be happening because thank god i only do one podcast thank god oh i see yeah so i'm amortizing it over three podcasts see that um but i want to say uh the the then the funniest part was On Thursday night A guy came to see me And he hands me a baggie

After the show And he goes Here you can take this tomorrow And I said what is it And he goes it's LSD And I was like Thank you so much I really appreciate the LSD

Wow And so I give it to the feature act and uh oh he wakes up yesterday and he he fucking he takes it in the afternoon and he comes to the show and he's tripping his balls off and and he hears us talking about uh autism because it's been a big topic of discussion in the green room byron bowers is in town shooting a TV show. So he came down and hung out in the green room all night. Also, I don't think it's called Asperger's anymore. Just another quick FYI.

Oh, Jesus. I think it's all spectrum disorder. I got to update my app on what I can say. It's probably not even disorder. Wait till they change. They're definitely going to change that one. It's a reorder. It's not a disorder.

It's a highly ordered disorder. By not a disorder. It's a highly order, highly ordered disorder. By the way, I'm reading this book. I told you about Charlie Kaufman and the, the, the, uh, the narrator is this guy who's like a hipster who's extremely woke and he won't, he doesn't use pronouns. They, them, he uses Don. He calls everybody Don. I like it. P so we're in the green room and one of the guys that's hanging out who's another comic that just came to hang out who i'm friends with is a psychologist a school psychologist and he was talking about how a lot of Asperger's can be caused by environmental things like lead. And Baltimore has a ton of lead in the pipes.

Wow. And so that they've seen a spike in it. And so the feature act started worrying that he had a small brain because of lead, and he almost couldn't go on stage. Is this the one tripping yes it was probably placebo acid but his tiny brain just overloaded with the thought of tripping oh my god i wouldn't give out a drug a draw i know i have to kind, it's like I'm your attorney. I would not give out a drug that someone gave you, nor would I take that drug probably.

It was irresponsible. Especially these days. I mean, I know there can't be fentanyl in LSD, but still, it's crap. Maybe there can, but I don't know. I wouldn't trust a just random acid in baltimore there's probably lead in it yeah well anyway um all right what else but isn't it weird like where do accents come from because you know this country was settled pretty much by what? The Dutch and the British, would you say?

The early settlers of New England? Yeah, absolutely. So how did the New York accent start? I don't know if you watch that show on HBO. Colin Quinn? Gilded Age. Have you seen Gilded Age? Oh, no, I haven't watched that.

But it's so funny because some of them have British accents. And then this is one character who just decided to have like a Bowery boys accent. Like, yeah, from New York. And it doesn't fit at all. And every time he talks,

me and Aaron just fucking burst out laughing. But like, how does a New York accent get started? How does a Baltimore has a Boston? Like, is there just one guy with a speech impediment and he has like a strong influence on the people around him? Like,

where does it, where does it spark from? I know know and in confederacy dunces which by the way if you have not read the book one of the poets or the confederacy dunces it's uh i don't even know how close the number two funniest book i've ever read is but it's it's not even in the same page at all and uh it's one of the funniest books. Do yourself a favor and read it. In there, I think they talked about the crossover, such weird similarities between a Boston accent and an New Orleans accent. Wow.

Yeah, and a lot of people that study language and study accents talk about that. But yeah, I don't know how. So anyway, speaking of this exact subject, I don't know how. So anyway, speaking of this exact subject, I was with Mary Fitzgerald this week and she was talking about how such a hard Boston

accent. But when she goes back, she says she's shocked at their Boston accents still. Yeah. Which is really funny to hear her be like, you know, just blown over by their accents. And she also talks how funny it is. Like, you know, she was dating that black guy in Boston

and he's like, you know, black guy, like from the poor area there with the most wicked Boston accent. And it just doesn't compute even for her a little bit. But we did talk about like, Hey, you know, Boston, it's, it's like Boston's an Island. Like how I would have thought. Get when we live there, I would have been like, give this three generations and it's not going to be as,

as wicked a Boston accent and boy, were we wrong. Right. And it's like, you're not an island yeah like that you know and with very little interaction with the rest of the world well and it's also a sign it can be a sign like like i said to the woman behind the desk i said oh you just said on near credit card i said i think that's cute i love that accent and she got so embarrassed and she was like, oh, I didn't realize I said it like that. Oh, and she like turned away. I think people see it as a sign of poverty that they having a strong accent. Some people wear it as a badge of honor. And like my mother has the thickest Bronx accent, but especially when she drinks. But if you point it out to her her she's like humiliated about it

yeah mary also brought up how incredibly similar it is with the hardcore boston accent and the cockney and then the like erudite uh accent in boston like the brahman accent where you're talking like a kennedy and then you know, and then the British area, like, you know, the very, it's almost like a lazier, it's less guttural, you know, it's less sort of, uh, it's less harsh. Right. Right. But.

And it's tied to class. Tarrytown where I grew up, like, like where you grew up in Eastchester, there's a very thick Bronx accent in certain towns in Westchester. But when my father heard me talking with an accent he fucking screamed at me he because he was a broadcaster and he didn't want me speaking with an accent no wonder he constantly screamed at your mom i know what kind of weird choice was that for him she's like bottle I got a bottle of soda oh that's me like I always hated Texans and then you know I'm living with one

yeah what do you think is the worst act because uh there was a survey last week that the Boston accent is considered the most annoying accent in the country and i strongly disagree i love the boston accent a strong philly and you know obviously murder derder uh you know that yeah mayor of east east east town or whatever they they brought that to the uh forefront but the philly one is really bizarre you know i can't even do it phone phone phone i know phone is one of the water. They say water. Yeah. But I've tried to do it.

I can do I can I can have a sentence or two where I can kind of do a Boston. I can't do Philly at all. Yeah. So I don't even I don't even understand it really. There was. I know there's like online. You go to YouTube and like they teach you, you know, how how to do it like what to do with your vowels and stuff um wait i remember i wrote down some words for the from that show oh overduce i don't rude who mooner who mooner a noon drug abuser there's almost a little spikoli in there

you know like there's almost it's very bizarre yeah yeah um so what else is going on oh you know i was talking about euphoria so i finished euphoria uh but i one thing i forgot which I wanted to mention last week. So my 16 year old daughter, Olivia, is like, you should watch it and we'll watch it. And so she's seen it. So she's watching kind of me watch it and she loves watching it again. But she does. And she'll just casually get up off the couch and walk in front of me, like to her room. And as she's going, she's just like, get ready for a lot of dicks. That's my 16 year old daughter. And oh, my God, is she right? It's insane. It's insanity. Oh, the locker room scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. How much of this season have you watched? I watched three episodes from the first season, and I think I saw one from the second season. Okay. All right. I don't want to spoil anything, but there's, like, a mainstream.

Oh, you won't. I'm out. I'm out. I'm done. There's a mainstream hunky guy, right? Literally. I think he might've been McSteamy, right? He was the first guy. There's the first guy in Grey's Anatomy, McDreamy. Then like a, like salt and pepper guy came in and, and the whole country was like, he's even hotter, you know, but Grey's Anatomy, he might've even been sexiest man alive. Something like that's even hotter you know but gray's anatomy he he might have even been sexiest man alive something like that's how mainstream is he gives a drunken speech with his dick fully out

and his family begging him to put it back in and him saying no and calling himself the f word referring to homosexuals and he it's unbelievable and the speech goes you have to watch this guy hanging out of his pants give this speech for like four literally three minutes wow yeah and then oh by the way by the way first the family hears him because he pulls it out he comes home in the foyer and he pees all over the foyer and then leaves it out and gives the speech jeez was it less shocking when you rewound it and watch this second and third time in slow motion? It's not as,

yeah. Um, no, uh, I watched it and I just, as the father of a teenage girl, I really have, I can't handle it.

It's too much. It's it. They they should they should call the show worst case scenario every kid is a worst case scenario teenager well the funniest thing is they'd show them like in high school i'm like wait a minute every time they showed them in school i'm like wait first of all the stuff you're doing is not high school like you're in your mid-20s second of all you guys still go to school with everything that's going on right right and also like when normally some some female nudity comes on i'm very pleased but not when they're teenagers i feel creepy i feel like i shouldn't be watching it yeah i forget what i said last week but zendaya uh in is in a scene with a really with a drug

dealing like really really violent guy and he wants to make sure they're wired i think i said this last week but he's like take off good strip fuck it he has a gun i saw that yeah yeah everyone had to get naked and she's shivering goes i'm in high school and i felt like being like yeah yeah yeah like i don't want to see this I didn't realize one of the characters was trans. Like. Yeah. I didn't realize. Right.

Yeah. That's. And somehow it's the only dick you don't see. Right. And I don't know. I do not know if she has one still. I have no idea. Wait, I told you that.

Wait, did we read that from Olivia? Remember? Hold on. Last week, we were trying to figure out that trans actress and what's going on. And we try to get to the bottom of it. And it was very hard because Dennis brought up that like. Well, if she was trans trans it probably wasn't very hard okay all right this is exactly what i taught in an argument with dennis does the actress who plays jules have a penis and olivia goes yes she's trans and i right. That's what I said. So born with a penis and still has one. And Olivia goes, yes, I believe so. At least in the first season.

So still don't know. Yeah. I don't even know what trans stands for anymore. And that's what Dennis was saying. I sound so out of touch when I say that, but I don't know if it's transsexual, transvestite, trans... Maybe somebody can write in and illuminate the proper usage of... You're sounding so old and offensive,

but it comes from love and humor. It does come from love and humor. My penis, I'd say three out of five days identifies as a vagina. Is that, have I just been canceled? And it doesn't stop you from masturbating. That's the best part. You can't cancel a woman who said it. So just tempt me. And, and Sophie's home from college sophie's home and uh kind of on some sad news she had so she went to college and got and is partying and all that that's probably a big part of it but she got mono oh i'd say that sucks yeah yeah and that hit her pretty hard let's let's call it

october she's in Michigan, by the way. And then she comes right before Christmas break. She had never gotten COVID. She got COVID. And last week, she got mono again. No! Which is very, very rare. Does that mean she had it and hadn't gotten rid of it?

Or that's a second case? Okay, there's a lot. We were were at the doctors for an hour yesterday so it's it's kind of it's not it's not it's not it's a serious issue it's not a serious like we're not worried about her health or anything but um we and i don't know we did a bunch of blood blood panel and stuff like that so that's coming back i think today which is saturday so, Kelly Price, who's awesome and performed in Sacramento. And I've written with her. She's a great standup comedian, one of a tells favorites. And she was great in Sacramento when she performed warming up. What would what she was? She was the feature act. There you go. So I don't know any of that shit. So she knows a lot about this stuff, and she had had COVID,

and she has health issues. And her sister, I guess, tells her a lot of stuff, because I think her sister is a frontline nurse, I believe. Anyway, she goes, sends me two articles, and National Geographic, and the other one was like Nature, whatever. But they're all over that this This could be long-term COVID. And long-term COVID brings back the Epstein-Barr virus, the EBV. Oh, my.

Wait, is Epstein-Barr the same as mono? It is. The EBV virus. The EBV virus can result in mono. You and I, there's a 90% chance you and I have the virus in us. It's very much like herpes. And for 90% of people and whatever, like herpes, you go through life and it's just dormant in you. And then real stress can bring about an episode like a flare up for those people that get it.

Some people get one flare up in their life or two. Some people, sadly, it's a battle and they treat it. So the same as with, I think, Epstein-Barr is viewed in a similar way. And I know I'm not getting all this right, probably. But COVID can be that stressor is the simple way the doctor explained it to us. So it's like a cocktail of COVID and Epstein-Barr. Well, it's that COVID, and especially with autoimmune stuff, and there's a virus in you that COVID then can trigger it.

You know, the technical word they use is reactivated. Yeah. So she has reactivated mono no matter what. That's a fact. And now they're seeing if, and then they have to intervene because there's a chance it would keep on happening anyway not comedy but that's what we're what are the symptoms is she tired she's bratty and no no i'm kidding um she drinks a lot in college doesn't communicate with her parents she's self-righteous and left-leaning yeah she comes

back after her first uhi-sci class and tells me America's a piece of shit. You know, those might be symptoms of freshman year at college, but they're also, no, incredibly can get very fatigued, headache, and then really, really congested and stuff. Oh, that sucks. Yeah, and also out of it. Like the fatigue can bring on a,

she's like, I sometimes there are periods during the day where I feel like I'm watching myself. So she has a break from school. So she came home and she's basically just going to chill and sleep for a week. Of course not. She went down to San Diego,

camped and surfed, uh, through this. So that's the thing. She's asking for some of it. I shouldn't say it that way but uh she's definitely not like you know on bed rest far far from it right yeah all right well don't kiss her i know i know it's crazy so um we want to give a shout out last week i

challenged our listeners i said we don't get enough music from our female listeners. And sure enough, G Fire Mayo shot us off that amazing theme song from this week. Nice. Yeah. That was very cool. Which was very cool. Thank you for that. Made me eat my words.

Wow. What a name. And then the logo this week is from joe deluca it depicts some people don't know but i there's a uh an old story that i did on my first letterman appearance i closed with a bit about rollerblading in new york city and i used to i think you did this also right i used to hang off the back of trucks and get pulled up and down the avenues i rolled over it all over new york and over to brooklyn and all that but i didn't i didn't hold on to trucks as much one brickner and i dan brickner speaking of philly dan brickner and i my roommate i'm a good friend of ours from bu would rollerblade with me and we used to rollerblade

and and the twin towers, uh, were an amazing place because there was the plaza and it was all, it looked like, you know, marble, but it's, it's like a marble like giant, uh, tiled, uh, floor basically outside the twin towers. And I was rollerblading with them and we were just like kind of tearing it up there. Cause it's, it's, it looked, I mean, it felt and looked like we were on ice. It was amazing. And one of the big slabs, the grout had come out. And so it was this anyway, my wheels fell into that rut, into that grout, and it then grabbed them and I smashed down. And Brickner says that was still the biggest collapse on that site ever.

The most violent implosion ever there. We used to skate because you guys lived up on 88th Street, I think it was. Yeah, something like that. And I used to stay with you guys and up on 88th street i think it was yeah something like that and i used to stay with you guys and we would rollerblade i mean to put it in perspective 88th street down to the world trade center is is like the tip of manhattan not the tip but way uptown manhattan all the way to wade that was like a good seven mile round trip skate no more than that 20 mile 20 blocks a mile you know north south north south blocks in new york city are basically 20 blocks a mile so that's probably six miles

zero yeah just to get to zero is right exactly there's four and you're not even near the world trade center when you get down there yeah and i used to go uh to my spots i would skate from i lived in little italy and I'd go to the Upper West Side and I would just, I would go to 10th Avenue and I would jump on the back of a UPS truck and I would just get dragged all the way up to just looking out for potholes. I'd look for potholes and I'd skip over them. Skitching. Yeah. You don't have much notice with the pothole though, especially if you have to be right behind the truck. But anyway, so one day I was, I was writing on Bill Mars show politically incorrect and I was going to

work. And so I was going up 10th Avenue. I was on the back of a truck. And then all of a sudden from behind me over the loudspeaker of a cop car, it said, Hey donut boy, let go of the back of the truck. And I looked down,

I had a, I had on a horizontally striped shirt. I think it was maroon as a matter of fact and it looked like what you would wear if you were in a baker if you were a baker which is why i fucking love new york city police officers so i let go and they come up to me and i'm just thinking to myself i'm donut boy maybe it's the cops are having like a donut fantasy and like everybody that they see throughout the day is like a character in their little donut play get home to your donut mama

yeah your donut siblings right right so so they pull me over and the guy fucking writes me a ticket and luckily i got out of it though because at the last minute croissant boy came uh skateboarding across seventh avenue no um no i got the ticket and I had to pay it. See, people complain about the police and you have every right, Greg. You have a great cop abuse story. That's right. Corrections in from last week. Scott says, I know I'm a few weeks behind on Sunday papers and I'm sure you've gotten a lot on this,

but I live in Israel right now. They fucking love mayo over here who g fire mayo what ah there you go god yeah see i'm gonna have a couple callbacks today i'm just gonna try when you go to a restaurant they have ketchup and mayo on the table when you order it comes with packets of mayo it's definitely able to be made kosher okay good to know all right carl linden said i do quite a bit of genealogy for myself and others using dna two sets of twins marrying each other and producing genetic siblings is not analogous to inbreeding any more than producing siblings in the normal way would be. As long as those siblings don't marry each other or their cousins, it's not incestuous.

And that's signed Chuck and Randy Sklar. Although, it won't be the biggest. There's a Chuck Sklar. Oh, that's right. Right. Jason and Randy Sklar. It won't be the biggest gene pool, however, on the offspring. It'll be a fairly tight circle.

Yeah. gene pool however on the offspring it'll be a fairly tight circle yeah uh michael benson among uh maybe 12 other people all wrote in to say greg your son is 20 not 18 apparently i called him 18 my daughter's 18 i must have slipped and again to the listeners my deepest sincerest apologies about that you don't want him to grow up i don't yeah i just talked to him on the phone yesterday for a long time he you know he does a radio show in in college i had no idea yeah he's got his own radio show he's he i think he started it in the fall no he started it last year and uh him and his roommate he's got a very cool roommate this kid named rory who's from western mass and he's like a music aficionado.

And they play the coolest fucking tracks, like groovy hip hop, like Leon Bridges and like really amazing stuff. Like I get musical suggestions from them every week when I listen to the show. And they talk and they shoot the shit. And it's really cool because, you know, as you know, my father did radio. I did it. And now my son is going to also go into a low paying job with no future. Wow. Maybe you could find a little hotel rooms with the worst reception ever and, and do a staggered radio show where every third syllable is heard. Ireland O'Reilly said, Oh my God, what the what the fuck stop spoiling giving away wordle words on air we only get one a day a lot of us wait and do several days at once i didn't realize you could

save them up i thought they went away the next day at midnight nerds that's the word today Yep Five letter word Nerds And Is that a real name? Ireland O'Reilly? You can't name your kid Ireland The last name already says Ireland Do you remember Kathy Ireland back in the 90s? Yeah

Oh she was fucking beautiful Oh you think? She was on the cover of Sports illustrated swimsuit like Yeah she had the most beautiful eyes Oh my god yeah it was Her eyes So and then Hold on Chris Denman our crack

Producer wrote star of the greatest football Movie of all time I have To wait for him to finish typing because he types Like fucking Like a 1930s necessary roughness there's somebody named ireland necessary roughness was denman's uh that's what his defense attorney kept saying in that trial he was in that's what that's what he calls january 6th

uh a little cruel to be kind also which is a little weird uh jason bateman ron zozak says amelia airheart's navigator on that ill-fated trip was mike gibbons a man whoa after your insensitive joke about her being a bad driver. See, she made a bad choice. And then there was a letter I didn't put in here where a woman attacked you for making hack jokes about women being bad drivers, etc. Of course, there's a Karen. But hold on. She liked the show a lot. Wait a minute.

No, she was not a Karen. She was very well spoken. She was restrained and she had praise for the show, but she pointed out that you do sometimes take cheap shots at women with your jokes. yes so they basically are meta i know i get a rise i think i for some reason it makes me laugh and it's probably a fault so first of all i'm sorry i don't really feel women are of course i feel women are inferior in some areas like i feel men are inferior in some areas and sometimes i like pointing that out for real but a lot of times i just make dumb intentionally dumb jokes like my girls. So if the, if my girls will be, if my girls would be like, well, I went to the doctor and she said,

and when they get to she, I go, Oh, they flip out. And that's why I do it. So, uh, so I guess, I guess that's kind of meta because the joke is really about something else and not the real subject at hand. But I hear you. I get it. I hope she didn't write that letter to us while she was driving because that's two strikes against her and her ability to do it well. Wait a minute.

I found the letter. So I finally couldn't take it. Her name is Tricia. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I had to write write i don't get mike's jokes about women being terrible drivers and women's sports being slow and boring are they supposed to be meta even on an ironic level they don't come off as funny they just come off as predictable and hacky each time i each time he says when i think quote come on mike do better i hate the phrase do better. I really hate that phrase. I would say it's patronizing, but that means it's coming from a fatherly place. That being said, his joke the other week that Greg stepped on about some, even I'm getting shot.

It's fucking some collateral damage about some movie he was watching on a flight. That movie was so bad that I tried to leave the theater three times and I was on a plane made me laugh right out loud so she gave you a little love as well for a kind of a hacky joke i appreciate it um yeah well i have to say i'm not joking about some sports that i do think are incredibly slow and that's just a fact i mean it's literally a fact and i watched the women's hockey in the Olympics, and I guess I'm used to the pace of men's professional hockey, so to watch women's amateur hockey, it was a little tough. It was a little tough to watch the kind of slow turnarounds.

Like, the puck would change directions, and it would kind of take everybody a full, like, five seconds to turn around and go back towards the puck again see it's him it's greg not me well i'll make it very brief because i've told this story probably twice over the years but i i wanted to get the girls into girls you know athletics all this and it was a big year i'd say it was 10 years ago and it was the winter olympics and it was huge and it was you know, athletics and all this. And it was a big year. I'd say it was 10 years ago and it was the winter Olympics and it was huge. And it was, you know, uh, the red rocket, wherever the redhead, the boy, it was like the biggest year for him. Anyway, half pipe competition girls, they kept falling. And then it was like, okay. And my girls were watching it. They then put a promo during the commercial break for the men and the men's half pipe coming up because that

was of course going to be at prime time at eight o'clock and you saw this dude go up and my girls both stood up they're like eight and six and they're like dad he almost hit the lights because it was the same course the women were on and i'm like i know i know like that's that's tonight but listen here's the women like no no yeah yeah they were not interested in the women's halfpipe anymore because it was so slow it was so much slower and way less high it was than the men's I mean what's interesting is like I got the Guinness Book of World Records I I just because I hadn't read one in a while and I had fond memories of reading the Guinness Book of World Records. So I ordered it.

And, uh, there's a record for, for running up the empire state building. And it's something, it's something around 10 minutes to get up there for the men. And for the women, it's like eight. And then you stop and you go like, why? Like, why would it take women who weigh less longer to get to the top of the Empire State Building than men? Is it because they're stopping and shopping on the way? Well, they get lost. And also, they ask for directions, idiots.

We don't do that. We don't let our ego get dinged like that. This is all meta. is all meta heavy with sarcasm and listen some women's sports like women's tennis is great i also prefer women's tennis absolutely right way better point the points last longer because it's not all about heavy serves because the serves are more returnable there's one's hitting an impossible ball. Right. But, you know, as soon as people, I do then, this is the thing. I just want it, I guess when I feel someone's really blowing through something,

like when they're saying, like, you know, Serena Williams is one of the best, you know, whatever, my whole Serena Williams bit, which is never, ever popular, But high school, male high school tennis players can beat Serena Williams. Okay? It's a fact. Don't even write a letter. It's just a fact. Okay? So it's kind of like a little, like, slow your roll when one starts introducing that it's, like, an equal level.

And it's not. There's differences. And that's why women's tennis is more. It's different. And it is, I think, in most cases cases more exciting to watch than men's tennis yeah um but like women's weightlifting it's like that's not exciting for me because it's like can she do it can she do it she did it she's the 500,000th strongest person on earth she just she just clean jerked that yeah all right you know what's fun to watch is me doing live stand-up comedy oh st patrick's day i prefer watching women do that we are gonna miss you this year mike the st patrick's day show at the hollywood improv this is like i think it's

the 17th annual show that i've done uh accepting the last two years where we couldn't do it because of COVID. And we're back this year, stronger than ever. Andrew Santino is on the show. Jeff Ross is on the show. Annie Letterman, Owen Smith. It's going to be awesome.

It's going to sell out, get your tickets at Fitz dog.com. Also coming up La Jolla comedy store on April 8th through the 10th. Spokane Comedy Club, April 14th through 16th. Then also in April, I'll be in New Orleans, Lafayette, Louisiana. And then I just got a gig at a casino at Plain Ridge Park, Massachusetts, April 23rd. Then I'll be at the Denver Comedy Works at the end of April. And then Tacoma, Washington in May. Go to FitzDaw to fitzdog.com get tickets i know it's crazy people can't get enough of the fitzdog

no they can't they can in la apparently but not in the rest of the country um hey mike uh-huh do you feel safe when you're on the Internet? Do you ever worry that you're being tracked? Yes, all the time. Yes. I just looked up flights, and I tried the most. You know, I put on private browsing. I did everything I could because I get screwed constantly when I book travel, and I'm just trying to explore options. Next time I go, the prices are higher.

That's what people don't realize, that the airlines have have an algorithm where if if if a flight is searched a number of times, they jack up the price. If you do it with ExpressVPN, then you you hide that data from going to the airline and it doesn't raise the price. You also can tap into Netflix and HBO out of other. You say you're in Sweden or England and you have access to a library of movies and TV shows there that you don't hear. And most importantly, no one's tracking and selling your data. You are a lone wolf. It's also secure for your private information. You're a lone wolf.

It's also secure for your private information. Well, there's data cap, whatever. There's so many reasons that you should be using this. I love ExpressVPN because it comes on automatically. Sometimes I have to click the thing, but it usually comes on automatically. And it's a simple app for your computer you can use it also on your smartphone and uh it encrypts all your network data tunnels it through a secure vpn server nobody can see your activity think how much your life is on the internet and people have been people you've messaged sites you've visited videos you've watched all tracked

by tech giants so i i recommend express vpn is the best way to hide your online activity from your isp you just download the app tap one button on your device and you're protected so uh you can do it without slowing down your connection as well that's why it's rated number one vpn service by business insider and the verge so stop handing over your personal data to ISPs and other tech giants who mime your activity and sell off your information.

Protect yourself with the VPN I trust to keep me private online. Visit expressvpn.com slash papers. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash papers and get three extra months free. Go to expressvp VPN.com slash papers and get three extra months free. Go to ExpressVPN.com slash papers right now and learn more. Do you got a paper there, Mike?

Oh my God, do I? Hold on one sec. Oh, this is exciting. It's a CVS pharmacy bag. Wait till you hear the crinkle. Wait till you hear it. Ready? Whoa. It is firm and it. Ready? Whoa. It is firm and crisp.

Whoa. We are going big this week on Sunday Papers. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! All front page. Nike and Ikea close Russian stores.

Sneaker maker Nike and home furnishings firm Ikea shut down stores in Russia on Thursday as trade restrictions and supply shutdowns added to political pressure for companies to stop business in Russia because of its invasion of Ukraine. So take that, Russia. No more sneakers from a company that infamously used child labor. And no more furniture with stick company that infamously used child labor and no more furniture with stick drawing assembly instructions for you no more frustrating putting furniture together the wrong way you know I used to have that stupid joke about the IKEA like cuz it's just pictures and it's like yeah

but I don't know if this this backing or this siding goes this way or this way. Now I'm like counting holes and mapping this thing like a cartologist. Like it was crazy. And I was like, I'm like, wait, let me look at this. He's like, Oh, you put it together there. And then you've put it together wrong. And then I'm like, I'm going to turn the page and see this stick figure, like, you know, having a drink, watching me flail next next page he's having sex with my wife as i'm trying to as i that's just a stick figure of me trying to put a bureau together for the kids room why is this skinny guy fucking my wife if we want to punish russia let them keep buying ikea and if anything keep it up russia we're're going to send Spectrum cable. You're going to love it. Right, right.

We're going to start delivering packages to you that get fucking crushed. And it's also like, as far as the Nikes go, we can get them to kill themselves because that's what happens in this country over Nikes. That's right. We just got to send them to the inner city in russia and see what happens um i think if we want to put in sanctions that hit them hard or do do something like that i think we got to do the uh maybe mail order brides like everybody every single male american get yourself

a russian mail order bride we get all the women out of the country. The men lose their will to fight. And let's send a lot of our dumb sluts over there. Whoa, hold on a second. Was that meta? That was so meta. I was so, listen, I could drive down Melrose and right up, you know, like through a Rodeo drive, I could pack a couple of bus fulls of people we will not miss. Let me just put it that way. Let's reverse it. We have incredibly attractive models here like Russia does. Why doesn't the flow go that way? Right, right. You know, a friend of ours uh not a mail order bribe but a friend of ours married a ukrainian woman a young ukrainian woman did you know this um you know i saw a post this week for some dumb reason i went on facebook i'm trying to remember

why maybe my dad posted so, I'm never on there. And I saw, did he go over there? I think he went over there. I think he went over there and got. And married her. When? Like this month? Yeah. Oh.

And that's what got her out? That's a story. Yeah. All I saw was a post saying we are all safe in Poland. Yeah. I think he had actually married her previously, but the paperwork wasn't working. And then I think he went over there and he got it all through and got her out of the country. Huh. Yeah. All right. So we will. So I guess we'll meet her soon. Yeah. All right. So we will. So I guess we'll meet her soon.

Yeah. I'm just not going to do Polish jokes. OK, here we go. What else do we got? Freedom Convoy. Oh, my God. The Freedom Convoy. All right. So this the spinoff of the Freedom Convoy in Canada is heading to D.C. It's heading to the D.C. region and it arrives now this weekend. The U.S. protesters, inspired by the self-styled Freedom Convoy that occupied downtown Ottawa for weeks, was in the middle of the country this week. Despite organizers touting numbers in the thousands, Indiana State Police spokesman Captain Ron Galavez said the convoy amounted to fewer than 300 vehicles when it arrived in Indiana this week. And a majority were passenger vehicles, not large trucks. So less of a trucker convoy and more of a traffic jam of Dodge Charger bros with a misguided sense of freedom.

Yeah. What's Chris Denman driving a Volkswagen van? of freedom yeah what's what's chris denman driving a volkswagen van well you try to sell him on an electric bike which what i mean maybe that's what this is gonna roll into dcs a bunch of fat guys on mopeds he's not fat he's just big i'm not talking about being fat um the kind of he's not skinny i think an electric bike would take i let's just say he's not going to get the full 200 miles out of it. Chris is like 6'5". He can't go on one of those electric bikes, I don't think. The convoy is on day nine of its 11-day journey traveling from Monrovia, Indiana to Lure, Ohio. Day nine.

How slow is this guy? It reminded me, like, remember the World's Strongest Man competitions where some buff dude would pull a truck with his teeth, like there was a mouthpiece and a cable, and he would be walking backwards. It's in my Guinness Book of World Records, yes. I think that is even faster than this convoy. I think that the convoy of Russian troops going towards the capital,

to Kurds' Kiev Kiev is faster than this. It's insane. What is going on, really? I think it's just a bunch of really angry people driving around, yelling and honking. But that's every day in the Midwest, isn't it? Or everywhere. Well, it just goes to show you there are some things canada does better than us not a lot sketch comedy truck protests um folk music you can kill yourself too that's true maybe

that's what they're playing on the big convoy right nice well speaking up north where it's cold in lewiston maine a man who stumbled along a street while carrying his own severed arm was saved by two public workers who saw him and happened to be trained in the use of tourniquets trained in the use of tourniquets so they're able to make a square knot uh she he said it had to be divine intervention because two of my best guys just happened to be best guys. What are you, a singer in a Motown band from the 60s? Two of my best guys happened to be standing on the sidewalks. I was a woman, Ann Brenchik.

It could have been. She can say that. It couldn't have been better guys for this kind of situation. So she cut her shoulder off near the shoulder in a workplace. No, the guy did. What? I think you copy and pasted this. I think Mary, it sounds to me like Marianne Brenchick.

We'll just call her Chick. She might be like a police captain or a medical person. She's referring to her two best guys. Okay, so a guy, the guy had the arm chopped off. And then it said the next day they came back to check on him in the hospital and he gave them a very awkward half hug. I just want to know, was he on the side of the road holding his arm with the thumb out? Trying to get a ride?

It's like, I'm not reaching far enough if i if i hold an arm now i have two arm lengths my thumb is gonna be like their windshield's gonna hit it it's gonna be that far out in the road hard to ignore me hard to drive by or if you're just holding it across your chest does it look like you're just folding your arms and you're actually fine you're just pouting or maybe maybe he stole stuff from the 7-eleven but he just put it in the hand that wasn't on him so he's like this isn't mine i i found this arm holding this six pack hey yeah uh jesus how big are the lobsters in maine now that was a Chris Denman joke. That's funny. This is a great story. There are certain stories

that are always going to make it into the script on Sunday papers. And the family values Republican who gets caught with his pants down will always get in. Van Taylor, a Texas representative with a wife and three daughters, has dropped his re-election campaign

after the public saw a raunchy sext he sent while having an extramarital affair with tanya joya the widow of an islamic state fighter last just last week so a terrorist the sext suggested requested her to perform analingus i didn't even know that was a word. All right, so almost invariably, Republican dirty business involves the ass. It is a lot of ass play. He wanted her to perform analingus on him while he enjoyed a drink. Do you need a drink?

I think if someone's tongue is in my ass, they got my full attention. That's also like the, whatever the one is, whatever the name of that procedure, that sexual act is when you're on the toilet and you're having a woman. You knew it, of course. Blumpkin. Yeah, it's like, how, isn't it good enough to be experiencing what you're experiencing? Now you got to put this icing on icing. Like you got to have like a martini while this person is doing their business down way downtown.

I know taking a shit gives me enough joy. I don't need a stupid blow job on top of it. Yeah, I know. Someone feeding me Oreos while all three things are happening. It's crazy. No, someone feeding me Oreos while all three things are happening? It's crazy. The affair is notable because considering that Taylor has spent years opposing LGBTQ equality under the guise of family values, he has supported bans on same-sex marriage.

Now, if this guy is such a fan of ass play, what's his issue with gay marriage? It's rife with ass play. He doesn't want them to be committed to each other he wants them out there playing the field yeah guys stay single what are you thinking this guy went dark i mean cheating with you know ass play with a dead muslim's wife talk about holding up the confessional line forgive me father for i've sinned can i sign up for the all you can eat plan is there like a jumbo this would be faster if you had a menu yeah that maybe grouped some things together

how about this i'm sorry i did everything And now let me take some things off the list. That would be a faster way to start. Oh, my God. He'll be back because these guys, these Christians, man, all they got to do is apologize and they actually can go up in the rankings. He's probably getting patted on the back. Like, yeah, you're going to have her eat your ass. Like that'll put her in her place. They're less than. Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, you're right. I was going to have a cigar and a cocktail while she did it. Yeah. By the way, I'm surprised. How close are we on a serious note? How close are we where he says those texts aren't real? where he says those texts aren't real. And even the woman on camera showing you their texts and saying I did it,

she's also not real. That was all fake. That was a deep fake. It's all deep fake. And that's all the Republicans will need to hear to believe it. Like everything will be a big lie. Yeah. Something that's patently true they will introduce

debate on whether on its authenticity and that's it that's all they need is that window i just feel sorry for this woman first she's got to live with a terrorist walk around wearing a fucking burka all day and then she finally gets the u.s and she's like i'm free democracy and now she's got a tongue up the ass of some fucking Christian Republican in Kentucky. I don't know. I think what happens is you lose a spouse. I don't know if it can get much worse. And then she found something worse.

And so it puts it in perspective. And it's not so bad anymore. Speaking of worse, we got good news. Okay. In the good news for Gubbins section. We got a big response on the, we decided we wanted Dennis Gubbins on The Bachelor on TV. ABC roundly refused our offer. So we decided or chris denman came up with the

idea of having the bachelor on sunday papers featuring dennis gubbins we put this out to the listeners and we were overwhelmed with responses from women who find him attractive they find him charming they love the stories uh we got one letter from a woman named holly who said my name is holly i've been a fan of both of you for a long time i was excited to hear that you're looking for a girl for dennis because i know the perfect girl she's my best friend it's not her she's my best friend of 20 plus years her name is summer she's 46 no kids never been married i want to unpack that a little bit fresh she's fun kind creative giving she loves kids and dogs she's a hairdresser nanny in orange county i think this is orange that's right this is perfect and he needs a nanny

this could be a perfect match i'm attaching a story she wrote for her online dating profile. It sums up what she's all about. We decided to save that for when we have her on the date. We want her to read it to Gubbins. I think that would be sweet. And she's a hairdresser because she can dress the hair on his belly. We also got one from a woman named brandy who says it blows my mind that an enigmatic well that that might be tough on dennis if she's using words like that enigmatic beautiful man like

dennis is single uh doesn't blow our minds i am 39 years old i'm a down-to-earth stoner-rocker-boho. What's a boho? Whoa. What's boho mean? I don't know. Boho Houston girl. Maybe that's a section of Houston. Bohemian.

A bohemian, maybe? Oh, a bohemian slut. A boho. That's what he needs. Well, maybe she meant to write hobo, because that's probably more along Dennis's. No, she definitely meant, she's not a hobo, she's on like boxcars. Yeah.

Maybe she'll take the, maybe she'll take the hop some trains here. Take them out for a baked bean dinner. Bohemian, Bohemian something. Well, I'm back in swampy Texas shithole after a decade in Seattle. All right, so she's in Texas. after a decade in seattle all right so she's in texas so we'll have to figure out uh what the um greyhound schedule is to get her up here next to the word boho in this story look up what boho is i'm interested dennis is such a popular guy i thought for sure he had a harem of hotties around at all at any time not enough bohos he doesn't have enough bohos i didn't realize the hollywood

female the most judgmental breed of any outside of British royalty Might deem him just cute Or some kind of unfuckable You're good friends to set the record straight And seek some TLC For Dennis I have seemingly little life drama With no kids or divorces

And I have a dog Wow she's got some competition I do have the trauma and adhd debuff that put me a decade behind my peers in the adulting realm but i have a budding career and lucky enough to work from home huh all right so um so she has dog and trauma she says sexually honestly i think i was a courtesan in a past life i believe i'm in touch with my french ancestors in that way anyway what's a courtesan isn't that a like someone who lives in the palace duh it's a boho she's got some vocabulary jesus bohemian bohemian is french yeah but i don't know what she means sexually she was a court i think she's serviced men in the moulin rouge in a former life

are we talking about analingus here uh i enjoy a hike dogs and mountains and uh i am stoned all right so there's a lot here there's a lot i'm googling boho so keep them coming we're looking for um a couple of other uh women that are interested in dennis gubbins if you want to see his profile it's dgubs on he, I don't, does he have any pictures of himself on there? Very few. No, it's so lame. Boho just stands for bohemian. Okay.

That's so lame. Well, isn't that like, isn't aggro aggressive? Even though there's no O in aggressive? Yeah, but it, yeah. Oh, hold on. A courtesan is a prostitute, especially one with wealthier upper class clients. Damn. Yeah, like in dangerous liaisons. Wow, that sounds sexy.

Have a dangerous liaison with this gal, with this boho, Dennis. All right. Well, so we're going to, we're going to look at a couple more entries and then we're going to figure out how this whole game is going to play out but it's going to involve um you we're going to get to know dennis we're going to bring him on the show we're going to have the girls zoom in and we're going to see where the magic is and then eventually who knows maybe one of them ends up in la we'll see what the we'll see what the sunday papers budget is like.

And if it goes really well with the second one, it could be a boho bozo wedding, which would be really special. I think we should get a sponsor to sponsor bringing the winner to L.A. I'm going to ask our agent to get us a sponsor for this segment. Maybe Greyhound. Maybe some boxcar for the hobo. Should we do some entertainment? I think we should.

I got paper right here. There we go. Joy Behar suffers dramatic fall on the view face plants in front of audience okay why did i stop watching the view the 70 first of all i did not know she's 79 i can't believe she's 79 years and i'm and i'm good friends with joy i've known her for 25 years she's the best she loves comics yeah she's the best well she's a comic herself exactly 79 year old comedian was walking out on stage at the start of the live show when she took a tumble just before reaching her seat cameras captured behar face planting on the stage with

the dramatic vision beamed out to audiences across the country to me this sounds like it was sweeps you know you know sweeps means that refers because we had to deal with it on Ellen all the time. Daytime TV, especially take sweeps seriously. It's the period where like, all right, we're really going to watch the ratings in this month. And that's where we're going to base all the advertising revenue rates on. So everyone does stunts like crazy. If you're ever seeing the most crazy stuff like oprah's giveaways and all that stuff it used to be during sweeps month but um but when she did fall whoopi said it's because behar was jewish and not because of her race so and she's gonna take a week off

to think about that they both took a fall that show. Right. I heard that Meghan McCain rushed over as soon as she fell down and stepped all over her hand. Poor Joy. I mean, oh, my God. What a hot topic. I love that. I can't believe she's 79. My mother's 79.

I know. Joy's pretty sharp, man. She's very sharp. Yeah. She's 79. My mother's 79. I know. And Joy's pretty sharp, man. She's very sharp. Yeah. She's great. I mean, not as sharp. Maybe not as sharp now either. Yeah.

She'll have, put it this way, she will have, if she hasn't already, she will have a lot of good jokes about it. Yeah. She's incredibly self-deprecating. I'll give her credit for that. Right. It is funny that she's, you know, she's not Jewish, by the way. Everybody thinks she's Jewish. She's Italian. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. My joke was based on her. I totally assumed she was Jewish. Everybody thinks she's Jewish. She's Italian. Then it's definitely not based on if she's Jewish.

not based on if she's jewish yeah uh wheel of fortune host pat sajak is requesting of the online community after a viral moment in which oh no you didn't read the headline oh have a little heart that's what pat sajak is requesting of the online community after a viral moment in which it took three contestants several attempts to solve a puzzle that left viewers at home scratching their heads you texted me this clip and i laughed my fucking ass off i mean the best okay it's it's a almost completely solved puzzle there's like two letters left there's like two letters left on was it put a feather in my cap it was just another feather in your cap another feather in my cap. It was just another feather in your cap. Another feather in your cap. Right. So, and it was like the word,

it was like blank, a blank, right? Yeah. And, uh, and the best was this woman in the middle. It was a woman couldn't guess it.

And, but the guy on the right, like everybody watching totally knew it so now it's comes time he's psyched she didn't get it comes time well you gotta say what she said she said another she said another feather in your uh lap i think she might have said a hat first i think it went oh First, it was hat. She said hat. Right now it goes around.

He spins. He's so psyched to swoop in and take all the money. And he spins bankrupt. It's bankrupt. Two people spun bankrupt. Two people went bankrupt during the spinning. So she goes again. She's like, I'm going to solve.

Go ahead. And she says, another feather in your lap. L.A.P. And then another spin. And she says, another feather in your lap. LAP. And then another spin. He comes to him, the guy who went bankrupt. He spins again and he gets lose a turn. Yeah. Then it goes back to her and she goes, another feather in your map.

Yes. M-A-P. Oh, God. That was fucking great. It was. Meanwhile, Vanna White is still wondering what the rules of Wheel of Fortune are. Every time she went to flip them, she thought they were right. I'll find that clip and watch it it is uh and say jack

very gentlemanly yeah i mean he he never hesitated because say jack is you know he's he's witty i guess you could say he's or tries to be witty all the time and he was all business he's like no okay now it's your turn like just moved on very professional i wish to god that my sole focus in my entire career was to host a game show like will of fortune those guys first of all they tape like four a day four days a week and then they take the month off and they make he makes so many millions of dollars a year and all you got to do is be kind of nice and you know keep moving along i mean and then just play golf just fucking play golf incredible it's the greatest job it is really something uh hold on chris is

typing something he made 16 million a year in 2016. Wow. I'd love to see the breakdown of his hourly salary. Yeah. You know, like there isn't one, obviously. But if you crunch the numbers, it would be outrageous. Yeah. Well, let's say he does $200 a year.

So it's about $100,000 an hour. No, but I'm saying, are you basing it on how many shows he does? Oh, look, Chris has already figured it out. Pat earns $312,000 per workday. Breaking it down per show, he gets $52,000 per show. Vanna White earns $34,000 a show for not even speaking. Jesus Christ. I wonder if you broke down how much Vanna White makes per word. Because is there small talk?

I guess they started, right? There's a little bit of small talk at the beginning and the end. Yes. When we were young, Vanna White all of a sudden became fire and then appeared in Playboy. Yes, she did. Was it the 90s? Yep.

And so there was such an interest in her that I think they had to include her in small talk because otherwise she was just like, and I think they did this with a lot of game shows where basically this live mannequin who would just flex their you know her hand along an automobile on the price is right or Vanna who would wear these you know very sexy outfits and just turn letters it was so objectifying I think they had to humanize them a little but uh oh boy i wonder i wonder what the breakdown on per word is for her god what a life to make that kind of money and work that little i mean maybe i sound like a fucking sloth but that's that's all i really wanted speaking of sloths they might have paid their dues though uh with

mr harvey weinstein to get the job. That's right. Look at that segue. Harvey Weinstein was caught with contraband milk duds in November, prompting a reprimand from L.A. County jail guards, according to records viewed by Variety. The milk duds were confiscated and the guards warned that they would have to search his attorney's legal binders and laptop bags in future visits. Weinstein claimed to the guards that he had bought the milk duds with him when he was extradited from New York in July. But the jail official said they had searched him when he came in. So obviously they were brought inside.

Weinstein said this was an innocent misunderstanding. It will not happen again. I've been a model inmate following the rules and regulations and i am sincerely sorry yeah yeah that fat fuck had milk duds tucked away for nine months and didn't eat them right he's a movie guy it's it's concessions man well you can't take away he's a movie animal that's what he wants also he probably mixes them with popcorn like all great you know movie fans do and then maybe he pulls the popcorn trick on his cellmate right right i don't think he has to i don't think he has to i don't think he has

to trick a cellmate into grabbing his dick i think maybe i'm just wondering how they got them in. Like did the lawyer stick the melt duds up his ass? And then when he, when he got them out, maybe there was a couple more melt duds and he started with, and Harvey had to guess which were the good ones. This milk thing is crazy. Maybe we'll get a sponsorship that he wants them that bad. He's having them smug.

So delicious. People smuggle them in the prison. Right. Right. And I, maybe you'll get a sponsorship that he wants them that bad he's having them smug so delicious people smuggle them in the prison right right and i and i love that like here's a guy whose entire defense is his word it's it's literally a he said she said because there were no witnesses to any of these things is only it's only he said she said and then he's gonna go and put his word on the line about some milk duds. That's the first thing I would bring up in court if I was trying this case. Your Honor, this fat fuck said that he had a box of milk duds for nine months in his cell that he didn't eat. I rest my case.

It would be interesting if there were details, like if you went back in the transcripts and it's like, so he jerked off in a plant with one hand while uh emptying a box of milk duds into his mouth with the other like all of a sudden milk duds creep up which would be the corroborating ever you know evidence you would need yeah across the board right um we always talk about things we've seen on this show and i was a little behind you so i watched the movie Coda this past week. You took a giant shit on it. And I have to say, well, this is once again, an example of you being dead inside.

This is a beautiful movie. I cried. Aaron was laughing at how much I was crying throughout the movie. Oh, are you? Really? Yeah, it was beautiful. Uh, okay. crying throughout the movie oh are you really yeah it was beautiful uh okay i you know all right all right okay you're not you're well i don't know i don't know you might be dead inside you might be this is my argument you might be deader inside than i and it just takes a little poking

and all of a sudden you fall apart. That's what I think. So I'm unstable. Where I'm alive, I'm not. And you are massively handicapping these deaf people. And all of a sudden it's like, oh, my God, it's even so much more special because you don't even view them as fully human. I viewed it as, look, everybody feels embarrassed by their parents at some point so it gives you this window of uh accessibility and then it amplifies it by the fact that not only are the parents hearing disabled but they're also kind of obnoxious like even if they weren't deaf

it would be very difficult to have them as parents. And there's, there was something very noble about the character. I thought it was just a very well-made movie. And, uh, and I think the guy deserves the Oscar nod. There were so many things that like didn't make sense. Like you wouldn't be having this kind and the sex. And then the,

the way that he talks to the boyfriend. Yeah. Oh no, it was all, it was like, that's the afterschool special type, you know, desperately wanting to be liked and corny jokes and all that stuff. Well, and a deaf will hunting. Hello? The whole story is not original.

Wait, how is it like Goodwill hunting? Oh my God. The brother, like, you have to get, you don't stay in this Boston blue-collar suburb. Like, get out of here. You're better than this. You're better than we are. You have dreams. Go chase him. If you're here tomorrow, I'm going to be fucking pissed at you. No, but he was pissed at her anyway.

He wanted the parents to himself. It wasn't about giving her inspiration. It was about getting her out. That was very different than Ben Affleck. I also think they just should have. And the guy, remember all of a sudden the guy has sex with the girl in the bar? Out of nowhere, just met her? I don't remember that.

I'm guessing he fingered her. Which girl? The deaf? The bartender. He got in a fight in a bar. You were probably crying so hard you missed that scene. Speaking of crying, should we do a little Florida Man? Maybe it's also a little Deaf deaf poet society another cheese ball movie

yeah where's my here we go all right florida man this i found this story it's it's i love it drunk pilot removed from cockpit of jet blue flight to florida a jet blue pilot was removed from the cockpit and taken into custody in the u.s after having a blood alcohol level more than four times the federal limit for pilots the pilot a 52 year old man from Orlando, of course, was removed from the cockpit after a TSA agent told authorities the pilot looked impaired while passing through security. Because he took off his shoes, his belt, his pants, his underwear. The pilot had told authorities he had seven. They knew something was wrong when he started patting the TSA agent down

he's trying to leapfrog the metal detector and just playing games wait so I lay down next to my suitcase and go through this I get in the bin do I get in the bin with my laptop the pilot it sounds looks like fun I want to do that.

The pilot had told authorities he had seven to eight drinks before he got on the plane that was departing from Buffalo Niagara International Airport to Fort Lauderdale. By the way, how is a pilot not drunk on that

route? If I was going from Buffalo Niagara Airport to Florida um i would if i was going from buffalo niagara airport to to florida i would be shit-faced oh yeah um after he was removed police performed a breathalyzer and found that his blood alcohol level was a 0.17 the federal aviation administration prohibits pilots from drinking within eight hours of a flight. Attention passengers on your left. You'll get a nice view of Niagara Falls on the right. The Wendy's wrappers I just threw out of the cockpit. Please fasten your seatbelts for takeoff and flight attendants.

If you could please take a seat and put your thumb in your mouth for me. That's it. Not the gay guys, just the stewardesses. Flight attendants, Greg. No, that is not the answer. And remember to fill out those applications for the JetBlue Visa card. You'll get 30,000 free miles. And you can use it to buy Moscow mules, draft beer, tequila shots.

Really comes in handy before a flight. Of course, you you know feel free to use that credit card to buy drinks and send them right up front to the cockpit it's just common courtesy and no the engine's not on fire that's me ashing my cigarette out of the cockpit window how is this guy running over curbs we're at 10,000 feet. How is the TSA? And they all must have known he was drunk. Like if the TSA guy, if security is the one that blew the whistle, what about his co-pilot?

You're right. I mean, he made it to the cockpit. He was removed from the cockpit. Yeah, I know. That's amazing. Oh, my God. That's like when I used to park cars at a country club and all these guys would come out. They'd come in the morning and play golf and then they'd finish and they'd go to the grill room and they would drink and play poker for hours.

And then one by one, I would help. They would stumble out and I would help them into their cars and just watch them pull off. Just wondering how long they're going to fucking make it. That's like watching a really slow rolling bowling ball going down an alley where you're doing body language, like leaning to the right. Like, oh, I hope he misses that car. Oh, you're too close to the gutter. Go left, go left. I hope there's spit on this.

They all had fucking cough drops and gum in their glove compartment. As soon as they get in, they put on their seatbelt. They put a piece of gum in, put it in drive, and Godspeed. A big jar of peanut butter and copper pennies. Whatever the urban legends are that you put in your mouth and it helps you blow less of a number. Yeah. and legends are that you put in your mouth and it helps you blow less of a number.

Yeah. The most surprising part of that story is it wasn't a Southwest flight. That's the most surprising part. Right. All right, here we go. Sports. Sports.

Jet blue 1.7 percent that's right nfl becomes the first major sports league to drop covid 19 protocols turns out they dropped it two years ago really no they didn't but they acted like it and remember all the cheating and it would also be like, remember we would watch it, we were confounded in the news where we were like, oh, yeah, one of the linemen got it, so he's out. It's like, well, what about the constant scrum he was in with all the other linemen? Right, right.

What about the contact? Like, what about everyone else laying low, like the rules for other American citizens? Anyway. Wait, so now that they dropped this, I guess the Jacksonville Jaguars defensive line is allowed to get within six feet of a quarterback next season? Oh, is that what's happening? They also dropped giving a shit about CTE brain damage.

And also they stopped giving a shit about their players killing girlfriends. The NFL is great again. Back to the old ways. Yep. It sucked when they cared for a minute there. Yep. No more pink for breast cancer. That's out.

Yeah. I think I can use that in my act. I'm going to do the Jacksonville Jaguars joke in my act tonight in Baltimore. Oh, poor Baltimore. Does Baltimore... What happened? It was so sad when the Colts left famously in the middle of the night. To go to Indianapolis?

Yeah. Yep. Well, you have to know. Can you make it a... Does a Ravens joke work? I don't know how bad their defense is. I researched it. Jacksonville had the worst defensive line last year.

Oh, got it. All right, what's this story you got here? I've never seen this. Let's see. Oh, no, Chris put this story you got here? I've never seen this. Let's see. Oh, no, Chris put this in. I'll read it. I'll read it while you're working on your Baltimore act. From the New York Times, Russia says it has an American basketball player,

Brittany Griner, in custody. So it's a slower American basketball player. Yeah, they were able to catch her. A Russian news agency identified phoenix mercury center britney griner as the player detained in russia after customs officials said they found her hashish oil in her luggage at an airport all right wow boy uh It has been opened into the large scale transportation of drugs, which can carry a sentence of up to 10 years behind bars in Russia. What? Well, I guess whatever the sentence is, I'm guessing she'll receive about 15 percent of what an NBA player would receive.

Chris Denman. Pro women. Pro women. Pro women. All ironic. Well, that's not. I mean, the women players make, it's probably about right, 15% of what the men make?

Tops? That's tops. Well, the top ones don't make 15% of what the top males make. I mean, no way. Oh, Chris is writing, no, they make 1. 15% of what the top males make. I mean, no way. Oh, Chris is writing, no, they make 1.5% of men's average salary. Wow. Damn.

Well, it's also, interestingly, less than 1.5% of the amount of dunks. That we know. Well, no, what it comes down to is 1.5% probably of the audience, the viewing audience, or is it more than 1.5 probably of the audience the viewing audience or is it more than 1.5 of the viewing audience there's no way it's more than 1.5 and and i'm not even faulting them it's not on tv or at least as heavily promoted and in the prime time spots and you think espn is playing as much women's basketball as men's no it's much harder to find they're easier to see though because they're slower moving when you do find them but still i would say in america ratings are now going to go up for her as she moves from basketball player to prison inmate a lot of guys want to see that in a Russian prison.

She's going to force her to play for them. Yeah. That's what's going to happen, not only in prison. In the gulag. All right, if I haven't lost enough viewers. Oh, here we go. I don't understand what's wrong about my take on this. Okay.

Transgender girls and women are now barred from female sports in Iowa. Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds has signed a law that bans transgender girls and women in the state from competing in sports according to their gender identity. The measure applies to public and private K-12 schools and community colleges, as well as colleges and universities affiliated with the NCAA and the NAIA. The law's backers say it's intended to ensure fair competition among girls and women, but opponents call it a discriminatory attempt to sideline grant transgender students who they say make up a small fraction of athletes in the state and do not pose the competitive threat that supporters claim well it doesn't matter all right this is my first comment it doesn't matter that

and it's not a joke that that it's a small percentage. Tell that to the girls wrestling team as a trans woman, Bridget, is absolutely crushing the other girls and throwing them clear across the gym. Is that happening, though, or are you assuming that's happening? Well, a law is obviously has to address what can be a problem. Could could this be a problem? Of course it can. I mean, I don't know how it is. Obviously, when you're talking about professional athletics or I think even Olympic athletics, there's levels and other levels and they have to be under a certain amount for you to be qualified to compete against other women. I don't believe that's true in high school.

In high school, I think I doubt the hormone therapy is involved in the transgender. And this is K through 12. This could also be seventh grade. Right. Wrestling. And by the way, I keep bringing up wrestling because Iowa is the most famous state for wrestling. Right.

And there are, I checked, there's high school women's wrestling. Women's wrestling is a very big thing in Iowa. No pun intended. And listen, in high school, we've all had this experience. You look over at this complete lunatic who's spitting in a cup on a match day, and it's a wrestler trying to make weight. And this is going to be the strongest 118 pound kid because he's pissing they might even

make themselves throw up and he's he's not even swallowing his own saliva to make it exactly under 118 pounds for weigh-in and then he chugs water chris knows more about this than we do i think then there's time where he then before the match can eat or at least jam down energy bars so he has energy for his match well chris has definitely wrestled a lot of women so um so listen i guess i want to do this story because and there's a double standard by the way transgender girls and women would be forced to play against boys and men. The bill does not address the eligibility of transgender boys who would be free to compete in male athletics. Right.

Okay, Chris is writing, if you weigh in at 205 pounds, it's pretty easy to weigh 220 to 230 pounds by fight time the next day. So you would have to eat and drink 20 to 30 pounds of food and drink? I think a tremendous amount of that is water weight. That's got to be so bad for your system. Oh, no. It's very bad. It's crazy. wrestling can be different they do same day weigh-ins many times he says but listen the bottom line is if you are a ninth

grader i don't think you've had enough hormones but if you're saying then you then this, uh, I see, I don't even know that I'm not trying to be disrespectful. A trans woman who was born with a male testosterone. If you're saying then they can compete if they don't test below a certain testosterone threshold, then maybe the problem takes care of itself. Maybe that's your argument, Greg. then maybe the problem takes care of itself. Maybe that's your argument, Greg? I don't know. I think it's a tough argument.

I mean, you want to support these, you know, I'm supportive of trans people that want to be seen as their chosen gender. But with sports, it is really tough because, you know, you've got women that have trained and have dreamed of being champions in whatever their sport is and if they're being knocked out by somebody who's physically built that much different it's just tough argument i don't know i can see both sides of it but um i know exactly what you're saying greg you're saying because I remember you when that Jeopardy champ came the top earners of all time the top five all of a sudden there was the

first woman who made it into that five but it was a trans woman and you said so it's really the top five are all dudes and that's unfair to women who will never break into the top five because of their smaller brains so you're applying that logic to this as well

i uh i think we should go on a science and tech i i fought hard against this story what are you gonna change the subject like a woman in the middle of a fight all right you should have never read me that letter i would i'm i'm the most i'm a feminist god damn it when david bennett senior 57 agreed to accept a pig heart as a replacement for his own failing one he took a huge chance his surgeon said he couldn't promise whether Bennett would survive an extra day, week or year with the new heart because a gene edited pig heart had never been tested in a person before. Some have questioned whether Bennett, who served prison time for stabbing a man 34 years ago, should have been given a second shot at life. Past experiences are not encouraging. The first recipient of a permanent artificial heart, quote, suffered horribly, begged his investigator who gave him the artificial heart to shut the thing off and let him die, and they wouldn't do it. Clark

died 112 days after receiving the device. He never left the hospital. Jesse Gelsinger, one of the first recipients recipients of gene therapy endured quote horrible death when his immune system went into overdrive and then a newborn a newborn who lived for 21 days with a baboon heart beating inside her chest quote would have died anyway but died more miserably than she would have if she hadn't been in an experiment i say we start hey this guy let's take prisoners i say we start sentencing child molesters to pig heart transplants even if they don't need them put the pig hearts in guinea pigs these are guinea pigs isn't that

what's going on here i just think it's a great punishment you know i mean maybe we just give a give a horse cock to a molester and a hamster asshole give him the give him the asshole of a hamster well how did it get to he come out we get back to uh criticizing women um wait a minute uh what is this story so the criticism though was why would he be given a second chance? In other words, the critics are saying, give it to a person who's not a criminal and someone who hasn't stabbed someone. I think that they're only giving it to prisoners because because it's so questionable that they wouldn't subject somebody who's not a, quote unquote, bad person to to be the recipient of something like this. I guess maybe it's give it to someone with a health life. You know, this guy is going to die.

He didn't get it. Didn't come in time. A human heart transplant did not come in time. Here's a pig one. I guess that's their argument. Right. Right. not come in time here's a pig one i guess that's their argument right right you know it's it's almost like nazi germany where like you're doing weird experiments on people that are prisoners

yeah i don't think nazi germany asked for consent no that's true that's true and i'm wondering if it's uh you know if you go to death row and not the death row that lasts 20 years it's like nope you're scheduled in 28 days you we are going to shoot you full of chemicals and kill you so if we're shooting if the state is shooting someone full of chemicals and killing them or even electrocuting them, which I think is still studs that still go in Texas. Yeah. Um, then as long as you're going to medically kill the person, why with consent, can you medically try something in a noble effort, like to advance science advance science and and and absolutely not trying to intend harm and not knowing that it will hurt the person kind of like this this pig heart well the the hippocratic oath is that you should do no harm so a doctor can't do it trying to hurt the

person but if you're somebody who's truly sorry for the crimes you've committed and you're being put to death then yeah maybe it is a way of showing remorse and showing uh contrition to give your body up i wonder if the hippocratic oath does detail and uh that it's do no harm to humans because doctors do incredibly fucked up harm knowingly to animals on animal testing right right and they used to do it to people yeah so i don't know i don't know um let's uh the good hamster asshole joke you nailed it i fucking that was a good one that's going in the baltimore act tonight let's go to business should we do yeah let's skip business yeah let's go to uh let's skip this day in history it's not that great and let's go down to oh we got a lot of letters to the editor let's hit some here we go okay yes tell mike it didn't go unnoticed you're getting a lot

of shit today mike geez it didn't go unnoticed that he mocked his daughter's shopping list for being so organic and woke, but then went on minutes later to mmm and ah about the sponsor's plant-based eggs in a bottle and how they're so healthy and better for the environment. Amazing. RJ in Vancouver. I have a very, guilty as charged. I have a very LA diet, I'm sure. a very la diet you should introduce those to do you think olivia would like them where was the list it's right here because i haven't moved it yeah

oh listen man i want to give her credit one of the things is first of all the best is actually it's funny i was gonna i was gonna show that her list see she's normal it says regular bacon but that she writes regular bacon yeah is very revealing yeah most lists would just say bacon yeah yeah yeah so anyway but uh yeah it still has the french can we agree as a culture that turkey bacon was a mistake and we should just stop nobody likes turkey bacon what else is in this pad i think that's it i've found other shopping lists around the house though i should have i should next week i'll grab some more they're pretty interesting um trader joe's makes it easy though i'll tell you that uh let's skip that guy and go hello this

should this should have been in the 100th episode but hands down the funniest thing so far in the show is when you two rift on the dutch train system giving money back to holocaust victim families i keep meaning to find it and clip it oh boy uh yeah that could go on the act tonight too I forgot about that one Yeah Can you tell I'm fucking sick of my act What was it They paid They paid a round trip price

I think they That was a real story Yeah I think they were paying reparations Right To people that had taken the train The The train company Was paying reparations

That's the least of the issue, I think. Also, did they lose bags? Another person giving you shit. First of all, I'm a big fan of your comedy. Keep up the good work. Now, please tell Mike that I enjoy. No, he's talking to me. But that I enjoy his broken Spanish.

I'm sure he is working hard to become an ambassador to blah, blah, blah. But what he really needs to do is stop saying spoiler alert after spoiling the show movie. That is supposed to be said before. Come on, Mike. You're the expert. And I appreciate your reviews. Nonetheless, take care, Marco. Okay.

So spoiler alert. McSteamy's dick is out. All of Euphoria episode four or something. You spoiled the shit out of Euphoria today, didn't you? In terms of the dicks, I didn't even talk. No, I could. No, there's a, you know, I watch, I'm all caught up. So I, and it might, the series might be over it, I think.

Yeah. But there's a lot to spoil a story wise, of course. Yeah. I just talked about the dicks. Um, this guy says, Oh,

I'm caught up on Ozark. Are you caught up on Ozark? Yes. So great. I mean, look, the stakes are getting super high and higher and higher and higher. So you have to really just let go and go with it.

Yeah. The opening scene, I don't know if you remember it of this season, because there's a half a season left. Do you remember the opening scene? No. left um do you remember the opening scene no it's one of those devices where they showed you something that is going to happen yeah yeah they do that a lot on that show so i thought it was going to happen last night when i was watching the last of this first installment of i think seven episodes but it didn't but a lot of people forget that in movies like a movie will open with the ending scene and you forget that and then all of a sudden you're in that scene again at the end you're like oh yeah um there is a note from hawaii this i thought this might be helpful to our listeners.

Often you will both complain that you have too many subscriptions to content providers like Hulu, Apple TV, Amazon. I'm ready to let you know about a relatively unknown technology called Kodi, K-O-D-I. I'm not trying to sell you anything. I'm just trying to let you know about a cool free way to legally watch all content. I've been using it for years and i love it i don't have to pay to watch all the latest programs and movies and free just do a google search for cody box and do a little research to see if you would like it i'm just trying to hook you up i don't sell these things i bought mine from amazon for 200 and that amount

is considered high i went with the nIA shield as it is considered the best. So I looked it up and it is legal, but they're saying that it may not be legal forever. So if you want to do it, you should do it soon. So it's sort of like a, uh, like a fuzz buster. It's like a scrambler. Yeah. Ah, like you remember, like, it's very weird that you're allowed to have a like a police detector radar detector yeah because it seems just but it's because they're monitoring you and you have

a right exactly to detect them right it sounds like this has a loophole like that at least for now yeah uh might be worth doing because if people want to do it and give us some feedback i'd love to know um and then uh let's do some sunday funnies oh here we go where's the paper oh my god i turned around okay okay leroy and loretta lockhorn they're sitting at the marriage they go to the marriage counselor a lot And it does not seem to be working Marriage is work, as you know By the way, your empty nest Is so

Empty for Erin, can I just say that? I mean, we're looking at your tour schedule I know She lives alone now She's become very social, she's been hanging out With her friends a lot, and she also She's been working in a doctor's She's been working in a doctor's She's been working in a doctor's office

For the last few years And then she is also Trained as a doula So she's also working with A baby Since our empty nest thing began She's been working with this one client So she's working like

Two part time jobs at the same time so she's been very busy does the training the doula training help her uh when she's married to a baby hey now hey so leroy is saying loretta is saying in marriage counseling the main reason leroy and i stay together is to share the Amazon prime account. Solid. In the next one. Not if they get the Cody, not if they get the Cody. That's right.

And the next one, Loretta's walking into a spa and Leroy says a day of beauty will one day be enough. Ooh, got her back for that fucking marriage counselor comment. Didn't she? Didn't he? Yeah.

And then, uh, let's skip down to Hager the Horrible. This one isn't even that funny, but it's just a great comic. Hager is standing there. There's fire burning in the background. His ship is sinking into the ocean. He's standing on the rocks, looking up at the sky, and he screams, why me? And then God calls back from the clouds why not

which is sort of a parallel because i think a lot of the the the rape victims scream why me and hager has screamed back at them why not and god has seen that repetitively. God's giving him a taste of his own medicine. That's right. Yeah. Now you're getting fucked and why not? All right. Here's family circus. What a gem.

What a treat. What an effort. So they are, it's the little redheaded girl and she's standing in front of a woman. It looks like, I guess, a friend of the mom's came over and has a baby. You could see the mom in the background of the kitchen and the little girl walks up to the woman holding the baby and says, could I pet your new baby? not something a kid would say.

Nope. Never. Not something that would be is funny in any way because you can't relate to the premise. So I'm not even going to take a deep dive on this, but that sold for money. He made money on this and someone bought this. And the amazing thing is he never put smiles on the faces of the adults, which would indicate that the child is being cute or funny on some level. He he at least gives you that. He gives you deadened expressions on the adults as if the kids are the fucking idiots that they truly are.

Maybe the woman will take the blankie off the baby and you'll see it's unbelievably hairy with a tail then the little kid's right and that's why the woman's not smirking or smiling she's embarrassed um let's do a little blondie oh jesus christ did this one make me angry blondie is in the kitchen which by the way it looks like they renovated their kitchen. They've got like a shiny new floor and a new fridge. And Blondie is made up, hair is done, nice outfit, apron on. And she has got this enormous fucking sandwich. They'd call that a wedge where I come from. Other people call it a hero or a hoagie.

Oh, yeah. Hoagie. Are you in hoagie territory right now? This is hoagie territory, hoagie are you in hoagie territory this is hoagie territory yeah yeah okay and so she has now sliced up the sandwich into four pieces and put it on four different plates dagwood comes walking in in a tangerine sweater looking like a fucking asshole and he goes what's this all about and she goes i know how much you like to eat when you're watching football so i made you a sandwich.

I even cut it into four quarters for the game. Oh, my God. And he goes, that's that's wonderful, sweetheart. Just one question. What about halftime? Here's should be Blondie's response. How about I take this knife and cut your fucking balls off? You ungrateful, unattractive, low earning fucking miscalculation.

I'm going to slice open your chest and jam a pig a painful pig heart in it i mean just just if you can see it i hope you're watching on youtube if you can see the presentation she's giving this fucking zero and that he has any kind of complaints and by the way. Illogical. Because four quarters. The second quarter is halftime. You fucking idiot. That's true. You got him on a technicality.

Jesus. For the record I want to note. This is the first time you've talked about Blondie. In presentation. Without it being her genitals. Yep. Very proud of myself. We want to remind people sign up for expressvpn.com slash papers. Get yourself a little discount there. And also, uh, I want to promote, um, what was I just listening to that I liked? Um,

What was I just listening to that I liked? Well, you're reading that book. I got to get that. Oh, yeah. Ant-Man by Charlie Kaufman. Pick that up. It's very funny. I'm going to pick that up.

Yeah. I love Charlie Kaufman. Anything you want to promote? What have I seen other than Euphoria and Ozark? I gave up on Inventing Anna or whatever that that one was you gave up on here some someone somewhere no i don't think i've tried that oh it's great you'll love it okay i do want to see the the documentary on that the woman anna or whatever who who scammed people it's not a documentary it's a narrative no no there is one also oh i'd rather see the documentary because i gave up on the uh the series it's just such cutesy yeah i mean i can't stand gray's anatomy and it has the same

rhythm and attempts at humor and i can't i just can't And the woman who I loved in Veep is unwatchable. Oh, who's that? She can't keep her facial expressions under control. Oh, is it the blonde? The woman who plays the reporter. Oh, I didn't watch... Veep's awesome, don't get me wrong, but I didn't watch all of it.

You need to watch all of Veep. It's top three sitcoms in history. Sophie absolutely loved it. Yeah. I would die laughing. All right. It's top three sitcoms in history. Sophie absolutely loved it. Yeah. I would die laughing. All right. It's great. No doubt about it.

Thanks to Midcoast Media for producing the show. Key and Beth and Chris and all the people there in St. Louis. And I want to thank you guys for listening. Keep the submissions coming in for the Bachelor Dennis version. We could also use some more graphics we have we have a bunch of songs we're going to play the songs we've received before picking a winner so we don't get into copyright infringement but we are looking for new logos for sunday paper so feel free to send those in to fitz dog radio at gmail.com. Nice. Hey,

you know, we should, uh, next week in sports, talk about a March madness bet. I think we should bring back the bet that Ruby and I had the over under bet on every single game. Uh, I can be talked into that.

I don't watch college football, a college basketball. I never have, uh, just have to watch the last minute. No, it becomes thrilling. Yeah thrilling yeah hundred dollars a game i'll take the under on all 75 games or whatever the hell it is 50 50 it's an odd number obviously so i could lose 7500 what's that so i could lose 7500. I guess technically.

Yeah. But it's amazing how accurate it is. Except the first year I won a lot of money off of B. And then he won a bunch the third year or something. Yeah. All right. Overtimes are in your favor. Those are overs.

Almost always. All right. Thanks for listening. Mike, I'll see you next week. Take it-ish. Take it ish. Take it ish. Bye. Bye bye. We love the planet.

We love the planet.