Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 105 3/13/22

Episode Date: March 13, 2022

Two Tennessee men attacked by an angry camel, Trump loves The Village People and Jesse Smollett is NOT going to kill himself. We're still looking for a wife for Dennis Gubbins and gas prices are so high The Freedom Convoy truckers are stuck in DC and can’t get home. Follow Dennis Gubbins on IG @dgubs

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! It's the vaccine line. News is time. News is time. It's the big paper time. The video is now recording. You want to clap us in? I'm going to clap us in in three, two. That's your clap. Here comes mine. Three, two, one. that's your clap here comes mine three two one there's my clap and why don't you yell before read all about it read all about it hear ye hear ye are we gonna talk about ukraine

is the top story no we are not i don't think are not. I don't think we have anything in the script about Ukraine. All right. If I may, I know we don't normally do stuff, but gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. That is not a political statement supporting Florida. That had just been building up for far too long. Wow. I guess that's one way to explore it. Woo!

Do I feel lighter? Man, look at his shoulders. Look at that movement. That was like a monkey on my back. Finally an excuse to just say it. There was, in preschool, one of JoJo's classmates was cursing. I think that the girl had an older brother and was teaching her to curse, and so she cursed.

And so the preschool, being very liberal, said, okay, Jennifer, we're going to let you go into the bathroom because that's where you talk like that, and you can curse in there, okay? And so they closed the door, and it was like a fucking wildebeest went crazy. He was going, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then they finally opened the door, and the girl comes out, and she goes,

I think I got all the fucks out. Where was that room when I was in school? Yeah, right? Right? My other option to start off the show was going to be, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, your cap is gay. Yeah. See? It's St. Patrick's Day week. I got to wear my Irish cap.

Yeah, you got the show. Hey, I thought of something. I mean, this is very egocentric of me. But are you hosting the show? I'm going to host the show. Hey, I thought of something. I mean, this is very egocentric of me. But are you hosting the show? I'm going to host the show, yes. And you'll be sorely missed this year. This might be the first time in 15 years that you're not on the show. But some years you didn't host, right?

You just went last. Sometimes I go last. But this year we have so many comedians that i felt like i should host it and we just added whitney cummings so now we got saw that we got andrew santino we got um jeffrey ross we got owen smith we got annie letterman a couple couple comics that are up and coming and and sadly not you and not Gubbins. Who's always on the show also. Yeah. I was going to write.

I thought I could write. While you're hosting. Like a 60 second thing in a sealed envelope. And you would just have to read it in between. If you thought that was worth something. I love it. That would be great. You want to do that?

Yeah. You read your jokes off paper anyway. So why shouldn't I just read your jokes off paper? Oh, boy. All right, and I swear it'll be under 60 seconds, so it's like nice banter, right? It doesn't slow down the show? I love it.

I think the crowd will appreciate it. And by the way, tickets, you can get them at FitzDawg.com. It will sell out, so get your tickets for the Hollywood Improv. That's Thursday, March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. You're going to have to ensure that right, though, because I am flattering myself. I think a lot of people in the audience at all don't know. I felt that in the past when I've gone up. No, you got a lot of fans.

I saw a girl last night who was so happy to see me because she listens to— Oh, she's great. Yeah, you texted me. Madison St. Clair. Madison St. Clair. And I get. Such a good joke writer. Oh, really?

Oh, no. Yeah, I had her on the Alec Baldwin roast. But also over the years, like I've like she had wanted to write on Tosh and I thought she deserved the slot. I was no longer there. But like I looked at her packet and she's really really funny i go to this art you know i get hit up on social media sometimes to do like little coffee shop type shows in la and i'm always i'm always wary because you just don't know if you're going to show up and there's going to be no fucking speaker or nobody shows up or whatever. So they asked me to do this art gallery, but they listed a bunch of big-name comedians

that they said have all done the show, and they said they get a good crowd, and so I agree to do it. And I show up, and it's like everybody is 19 to 21 years old and they're all different races. There's everyone's gay. Everyone's beautiful. Everyone's hip. And I just felt like this old, straight, white man.

And it was brutal. I mean, I think the set went fine, but I did not enjoy one second of it. I was so judgmental of myself. So it's Madison Sinclair, you know, it's Madison, and then S-I-N-C-L-A-I-R, if people want to follow her. Loves you.

Loves you. Loves you. Yeah, because you texted me Madison St. Clair. That's why I just, but it auto-corrected you. But anyway, no, Madison's great. And the show, yeah, those shows, they really are looking incredibly different. But that's cool, I think. It's very cool.

And I'm not judging it. I celebrate it. I think that this is a, when I think about what it must've been like for a gay person in the 1950s to be 19 or 21 years old and, uh, say Milwaukee or some small town in Indiana and like how, how scared you would be. and then to see these people that are owning who they are whether it's race or sexuality or whatever and coming together and uh and judging older white male comedians on stage it's a fun night for them you're not even paying attention you're not even no I am I agree with all What are you doing? I was I I was getting the because one thing we're going to mention is like right now. What's what's the date? Is it? Yeah. The 13th of March. Two years ago. Anyway, I was looking at that. Finish what you were saying, though. I think you're right that they have representation up there it's just normalizing and it's uh and they must just feel so i mean if if you and i felt like oh my god they think like me about just

like absurd goofy comedians or something like that imagine the validation when someone is up there proudly declaring they're gay and then they talk about their struggles, you know? Yeah, right, right. Must be incredible. Yeah, I wish I was gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Isn't it amazing? Isn't it fucking amazing? And we have stories today talking about the gay issue,

but the fact that people are born genetically homosexual,'s just it happens in the animal kingdom it's just a i i don't even want to use a word to describe it because it'll be the wrong one but it's just a uh a deviation from the norm can i say that without that being bad i think norm gets you in trouble but i know you're talking statistically which it's a statistical word yeah so chris denman just wrote nightmare and uh and but to think that there is that much discussion and litigation and legislation and marches and hate crimes and you know um it's it's just amazing that that at this day and age that it's still such a fucking issue it's such a minor thing and the only thing that happens is those people go into a fucking apartment or a house they close the door and alone in a room

they do thanks to each other that have no fucking concern to you. That's not true. One of those rooms writes sex in the city and it's fucking massively offensive. All right. So it's not always benign. Some homophobia is warranted. Yes, I agree. Yeah.

Anyway, two years ago, man, this country shut down. I remember because the St. Patrick's Day show was going to be on a Saturday night in 2020. And we had it sold out. We had Bill Burr. We had an amazing lineup. You were going to do it. And then like the night before the show, which would have been, I guess, this this date, they called and canceled it. Yep. And we all went out to we all went out to Cha Cha Chicken in March 14th. Yeah, I found the text on March 14th, 2020, we're like, should we all have a last supper?

Because L.A. announced it was all going. And Cha-Cha Chicken is an outdoor, funky, like, Jamaican-type chicken place here in Santa Monica. And we all went there and ate and took pictures. And it really was the last dinner out for a long time. For a long time. Wait, read the text. Let me hear some of the texts. One was on this day, I go, for kicks, I watched the last 10 minutes of a documentary and it's

called Pandemic on Netflix. They called this, all caps, EXACTLY, including its start in China. So I don't know if anyone went back and watched that documentary. You only have to watch the last half hour where they're like, what could happen in the future? And this documentary was years before COVID, but they called it exactly. So anyway, I then wrote, most stores are going to follow Apple and announce they are closing.

And then I go, I should have gotten a haircut. What an idiot. That week I shaved my head for the first time and I haven't stopped since. And I'm so, the pandemic, of one of the gifts of the pandemic, it was head shaving. I like it. So then I go, we were all talking about everyone being depleted, all the supplies everywhere, like, you know, because all these morons just emptied the shelves. So I go, I went to smart and final. The name never felt more accurate. And then this one, which I don't remember writing, I go, I have given up on toilet paper. I'm making my girls go to the bathroom at Arco. What's Arco? A gas station? Yeah, a gas station nearby. One of those private, cheap ones. It's even beneath a regular gas station restaurant. And then

the first number scientists agreed on was 480,000 U.S. deaths. I'm not sure what protocol that number was based on. There are now projections of almost a million, probably because we've had the worst response of any country, including Italy. But who knows? I hope those numbers are just scary, worst case scenarios. Nope. Turns out they were unbelievably accurate. Dead on.

Holy shit. That's crazy. Yeah. Do you remember who made that prediction? Yes, I do. He was on Joe Rogan's podcast and in a very, I thought, informative, sober way,

I should remember his name. A lot of people know his name. He's out of Minnesota and there's, he's a disease pandemic specialist basically. And, uh, he had him on and it's literally textbook. And he was like, we have these projections. This is how it's going to happen. And, and he was Osterholm, Michael Osterholm. Thank you, Chris. Yeah, he deserves credit. And he was the furthest thing from being like, why am I so inarticulate today? He was he was just using very grounded language. And he was and he just said, here are the models. And I remember because it was in March and he was like, watch out, October and November. And he was saying we were just getting used to it in March. And they were already like, that's going to be, you know, the real shit show i know as much as like the pandemic was like we've never seen anything like this before it's like no we had we have had pandemics before and we have seen how they turn into endemics and how there's and how there's uh different variants and we said all the things that happen we're late a good friend of mine is a epidemiologist and he's he's an older dude. He's probably 65, so he's seen it.

And his job was basically he was in charge of the L.A. County AIDS Department. And then he started working with tuberculosis among the homeless population downtown. But he's been like this guy, Michael Osterholm. He's been telling me the exact predictions from the beginning, and he's been like like this guy michael osterholm he's been telling me the exact predictions from the beginning and he's been dead on every time it's called fucking science gay gay gay gay gay so chris uh found that it was march 10th 2020 and you got to give rogan credit for that i mean that was early. And he had a guy on just talking science.

And he was hoping he was wrong. Alarmist is the word I was looking for before. He was not in any way trying to be more alarmist than what the data was saying. But it was pretty alarming though. Right. I know. But yeah.

It's great. So we want to give a shout-out. As long as we give a shout-out, we got some bagels this morning. I'm two bagels in, and I can feel it. They were unbelievable. We have a friend, or your friend, really, who has now become my friend. Thank you for introducing me to Dickie. I'm shocked.

I think you've met him before. I've met him, but I I never really spent time with him and now I've played golf with him probably four or five times in the last few weeks he's a great comedy writer he was at Fallon for a long time just was finished up a gig with Leno and he came on court and I kind of stole him that's not the

word I'll repeat but stolen from Fallon because I heard he wanted to move to LA so then he came over to courtordon, which was great. And and his great wife, Adrian. So Adrian started this company called Rosie's Bagels. And they they if you live on the west side, they make these Montreal style bagels, which means they they hand roll them, they boil them in honey and barley malt, and then they

bake them And so the inside is soft and sweet And the outside is a little crisp And they're so fucking good And this Just believe us Because we're not getting paid This is what we got paid

We each got paid two bagels Oh you only got two? I got six No no I mean that's what we ate We each ate two this morning If this podcast stalls out It's what we ate. I got six. Yeah, we each ate two this morning. We got six. If this podcast stalls out, it's because we are carbo-loading right now.

We are not paid to say this. They are so delicious. It's crazy. Yeah. So anyway, R-O-S-I-E-S, Rosie's Bagels LA.com. But you have to live in like Venice. And follow them on Instagram at Rosie's Bagels. You have to live in like Venice, Santa Monica, Malibu, Culver City, Palisades. Like you have to live on the west side and they will deliver them.

I think it's only on Sunday mornings, right? Yeah, I think so. But they're hopefully opening, like renting an oven and stuff somewhere because they're just, you know, they're at capacity. They're doing it out of their kitchen. They should look into shipping, though. You know, you can get those Montreal ones shipped. I remember that. And so, I don't know.

That's down the road, though. Way to ruin the plug. How? What? Oh, these are better than those. Now you're telling people to get the Montreal bagels. Oh, come on, man. These are better.

And you're supporting a nice little effort here. So, speaking of being out of the comedy clubs, I was hanging out at the store has had like all these famous people keep coming. I mean, obviously like Chris Rock and, and people like that drop in and do spots, Kevin Hart pretty regularly. But Quentin Tarantino came in last week,

and he was like the best audience member you've ever seen in your life. He was sitting alone in the main room, and the manager was very cool. There's three rooms at the Comedy Store, and Quentin was kind of bouncing between rooms. So the manager, Richie, who's a good friend of mine, he grabbed Quentin out of of one room and he brought him to the main room so he could watch my set and uh and he was fucking like bent over laughing he was like he he was just like he was the guy he was the guy that you loved in the crowd and I wasn't bent over looking at women's feet stop it stop it I knew you were gonna say that oh wow all right and so he uh he can then he like held

court in the parking lot for like till two o'clock in the morning he was there for like three hours it was just like a gang of comics and he was just he was being funny and got it quentin's back on coke got it all right i know and then and then two nights ago i walk walk out and I see Chris Spencer, who's a front of mind comic. Yeah. And he's like, hey, Greg, this is T.I. And it's the rapper T.I. Sure. Who is starting to do stand up comedy now.

He's funny. I heard he's not bad. I heard he's not bad. Oh, I don't know if it's stand up, but as a human being, he's funny. He's a gentleman. I'll tell you that. He's a gentleman. Oh. And so I meet him and I said, I've't know as a stand-up, but as a human being, he's funny. He's a gentleman. I'll tell you that. He's a gentleman. Oh.

And so I meet him, and I said, I've been in your house in Atlanta. Because I was the showrunner on a show on VH1 that his wife was one of the hosts of. Oh, yeah. So we flew to Atlanta to do a bunch of sketches and stuff, and we were in his house. And he goes, you must have done a lot of waiting. I said we did a lot of waiting that's hysterical i said as a matter of fact one time she was in her dressing room and we were the the entire union crew was out there for two hours waiting for her and a couple of the other women to come out because it became like this pissing contest of like whoever came out last was the was the was the you know the biggest diva yeah yeah and so i finally went in and i go i go tiny you got it you got to help me out here come on we got

to get started let's go and she goes how am i going to come out my hair's not done i said well where's your hairdresser and she, she's getting her nails done. That's amazing. So I tell T.I. that and he fucking dies. And then here's the worst part. He goes to dap me and I didn't do proper dap. I gave him a slap dap, but I think he was going in for the dap with the grab. So then he offered me a second dap.

And I also just did like a slap. And then he kind of gave up on me. And I felt like the fucking whitest guy in the world. No, not then. Maybe you should have felt white when you did the black voice imitating his wife. Maybe that was the real mess. And I bet it was did. Hair did.

I bet you threw that in there. Oh, man. Oh, fuck. It's hard, man. Dap's hard because it changes. Okay. It evolves. There's a different dap happening all the time. The evolution of the dap. That's your documentary, right?

I wrote a sketch for this guy, Afion Crockett, had a show on Fox that I wrote on. And we needed a sketch. And J.B. Smoove was coming in. And he was actually just coming in to see aphion to say hi and uh and so he said he said he would do a sketch but we got to write something right away and so i came up with this idea for the world's longest dap and so that was it it was just them in the hallway and they see each other and they're both like yo what's up, brother? And they start dabbing. And then JB is just so fucking brilliant. He starts using his elbow and then his knee. By the end, he's like on the ground kick-dabbing them.

And it just kept on. It was fucking, it turned into a great sketch. Oh, that's very cool. Yeah. Good for you making fun of that culture. Unbelievable what I've gotten away with. What else do we have to talk about up top, John? We covered it all, man.

Bagels, the deadly virus. Now, you said you might be interested in the Charlie Kaufman book group. Do we want to talk about our logo and stuff? Well, we haven't gotten there yet. Oh, I don't know how the top of the show works. Sorry. I just wanted to say I announced it on I thought this was going to be one we were talking about

Audible. Oh, that's a good idea. All right, let's do that. I'm a producer. All right. Shout out to Ron Agabio for doing today's song, which was awesome. Yeah. And then our logo today is from Craig Godet,

who I said last week we were a little low on logos, and he cranked out a bunch of them that were really funny. This one is from—that's from Step Brothers, right? Sure is. I know. It's so funny, my God. Corrections from JJ. Mike stated that when he lived here, he thought the Boston accent would be gone in three generations and then states that he was wrong.

Problem with this statement. One, he didn't live in Boston three generations ago, maybe one generation. Two, the Boston accent doesn't exist in Boston. It exists in the suburbs of Boston. It's getting watered down. Our children are spending more time with people who didn't grow up with the Boston accent. Our children are spending more time with people who didn't grow up with the Boston accent. My takeaway is that he's not wrong.

It will be gone in three generations, but we're barely getting into the second generation since he thought that. It's true. I found that some of the people with the thickest Boston accents are from like, you know, Lemonsta and Worcester and fucking Needham. I mean, I might be. Boston proper is very small. I think there's like 600,000 people. I remember it being like, you know, you look at populations. Yeah, Boston is really, it's a little bit oddly like Los Angeles in that it's more the area, you know, the Boston area. Like the L.A.

Like, I don't live in Los Angeles. I live in Santa Monica, which is right in Los Angeles. So anyway, but listen, in my defense, when I got to Boston, there were all these 60-, 70-, and 80-year-olds around with their Boston accent. Then there was the generation ahead of me, and then there was me. So there's three right there. And I definitely thought by now the fourth one that I've seen, or probably we're on to the fifth generation that I've seen,

it seems just as strong to me. Well, I think that the people that we see maybe, like Mary Fitzgerald, who's our dear friend, is from Dorchester, which is one of the strongest accents in Boston. And she has not faded on that accent at all. And I would say that. She disagrees with you, by the way. Really?

When she goes home, she's like she feels like they're all weird. That's funny. Yeah. But I think Bill Burr's accent has not lost anything at all and i think being in la you kind of want to differentiate yourself of like having having a fucking identity outside of la and i think some people some people they keep that accent on purpose probably i don't know but listen it's too many generations again Again, you're not an island. But I hear, JJ, it is changing. It probably is less now. And what did he say? Our children are

spending more time with people who didn't grow up with the Boston accent. Thank God. I told you. So my girlfriend from 20 to 25 years old was Christy. She was from Weston, Massachusetts. Of course. She was very educated, though. my girlfriend uh from 20 to 25 years old was christy she was from weston massachusetts of course she was very uh educated though yeah yeah yeah weston is like the scarsdale kind of ish in terms of the great public high school there and stuff anyway wasn't her brother the captain of the harvard football team he then he was captain of the harvard football team before going to wall street. I think anyway, she, uh, really Boston family. And, uh, she then moved, we both moved to New York after college and like, like two or three, whatever it was a week into living in New York city. She comes up to me, like it was

a dinner or something. She's like, uh, no one here talks about Boston. I'm like, no, not at all. And it's like, she just was like, Boston had such a New York chip on its shoulder. She was shocked that it's like never talked about in New York. Like New York, never, ever. Why would we talk about Boston? Right, right. We're an international city. Yeah, yeah. It was really funny.

Yeah, it's like how the Kennedys never talked about Rosemary. Sort of, yes, I guess. I guess Boston's our little special needs relative that we're just going to shut in the attic. That's it. Also, we had a correction from Matt Pulse. Oh, no. No, no. Sorry.

Who knows who this one is, but it's against me again. Yeah. And one of your classic episodes five years ago, Fitz Dogg podcast, I guess you had been on. classic episodes five years ago uh fitz dog podcast i guess you had been on um mr gibbons indicated that his family strictly adhered to some certain education model that precluded his daughters from watching television i think that's waldorf right it was a waldorf education true uh mr gibbons then said while watching the teen tween favorite euphoria quoted his daughter warning get ready for a lot of dicks this unequiv favorite Euphoria quoted his daughter warning, get ready for a lot of dicks.

This unequivocally indicates that his daughter watched a television show, a clear error that cross indexing this podcast reveals. Thank you for your attention to this matter. All right. Well, what he doesn't know is part of Waldorf. You're right. Waldorf is very against media,

all media, except dicks. When there's dicks on the screen, the kids can watch it all day long. That's right. As long as the dicks are cylindrical and represent, you know, wasn't that one of the things with shapes? Wasn't there only certain shapes and colors that they could use as toys? Colors.

In the cloud, they only give them primary colors. So if you want green, you got to make green. Is that right? Colors. In the cloud, they only give them primary colors. Oh. So if you want green, you got to make green. Is that right? Is green made? Isn't it yellow and blue? Yellow and blue is green, yeah. So they get yellow and blue, and then the little kids have to figure out green.

Wow. And it's all wooden toys. Nothing's electric. No batteries. Whatever. We go on. Basically, if you choose Waldorf, anyone who's listening out there considering it, this is what you're going to have. You're going to have

Amish children, deeply uneducated Amish children. That's what you're going to have on your hands. And my old joke used to be, I wanted to print up a bumper sticker that I'm the proud parent of a fifth grader who reads at a first grade level. And Waldorf would buy those bumper stickers.

They'd be so proud of it. Tell the story about the airplane. What was the airplane? When they were watching TV on the airplane. Oh, sorry. So we were delayed. And anyway, there's no avoiding it eventually in the world. And so we gave them headsets and we turned on the monitors because the moods were heading

south very fast. I forgot this story. So anyway, they had their headphones on, by the way, which they had never experienced. You should have seen the first time I brought them to a 3D movie. It was like I was dealing with aliens that had just landed on Earth. So, I mean, all they're doing is touching in front of their faces. So we're on the airplane. Headphones are in for the first time. And it was jet blue. And so it was TV. And it's the first time they'd seen TV.

They maybe had seen it. The real story of the first time they saw TV was it was I remember distinctly someone can look up the year. Sophie was incredible. Sophie didn't see TV until she was five, and I think this is what happened. The Williams sisters, Serena and Venus, both made the finals of Wimbledon and were playing each other. And it was on live at the butt crack of dawn. So the kid's up early anyway. And Liz, my wife, and I wake up early to watch it. And we're like, I mean, we have to see this match.

And here we, the kid's in the room. All right. So the first TV that Sophie ever saw was these, that Wimbledon final. So then you have to understand, she thought the Black Walk box on our wall that was always turned off, when you turned it on, it showed black women playing tennis and whites. And we're like, ah, you may never see that again. So don't wait for that to appear. The irony is like now there's like a couple of black women that are at the top of the they broke the door down and it's happening.

Oh, no, I'm sure. But still the odds of, I mean, it's so. The odds of two Americans being in the finals against each other alone is just. So anyway, we're on the plane. Sorry about the long story. We're on the plane. They have the headphones in. JetBlue's playing.

We find like, you know, Caillou or some piece of garbage children's show. And they're watching it. And then it goes to commercial. And they're like, what's this? Like, it's not Caillou. And they're fucking yelling because they don't know how headphones work. And I'm like, what? I'm like, what? And they're like, it's, and they're like, what is, what is this?

It, it, it's about a car or like, you know, like they're young and they're like, and I'm like, so I'm like, they're across the aisle, by the way. And I'm like, there's two seats and two seats. And so I'm now leaning across the aisle. I'm like, shush, shush, shush. And I'm like, it's a commercial. They're like, a what? And I'm like, it's a commercial.

And they're like, what's a commercial? And the guy behind me goes, I am all ears. Like, he's just like, I am hanging on every word. And I'm like, I just didn't even like the concept of a commercial to someone that had never watched television. And I work in television. I was so stumped. And I'm just like, the pilot is playing it. And he's in charge.

He's going to fast forward in a minute. Like, that's all I could come up with. The guy's like, good job. What is it? forward in a minute. Like, that's all I could come up with. The guy's like, good job. It's what is it? It's like a short movie that tries to get you to, uh, honor all of your consumer impulses. Oh, that's a device that creates a need that you don't even have and takes your money. That's what those are. Oh, by the way, there's no such thing. TV is not your shows. TV are the commercials. And then people like me try to fill the space. But are you girls still

listening? We try to fill the space between the commercials with something entertaining enough to get you to the next commercial pod. But my work always goes away. The commercials are always stay on TV. They stay on TV no matter what. Daddy's unemployed again. Daddy should go into making commercials for a living. He'll work much more steadily. Exactly. And notice they'll never put a commercial for my show.

That never happened. Ray Jepson said, I find Mike's comments about women's sports funny. Oh, Jesus, what is this? I know, people are really coming after you this week. But there is a sport that women consistently beat men in. I've said this on the podcast. They do. They're the best at it in the world.

Ultra endurance events. Last month, Maggie Guterre became the first woman to win the peculiarly sadistic Big Dog Backyard Ultra in Tennessee. The distance is not even set. It is a case of last man or woman standing. She ran for 60 hours and covered 250 miles. Unbelievable. miles unbelievable this year german cyclist fiona kolbinger won the transcontinental race 2485 miles across europe jesus that's amazing i think it's because they have more fat in their ass what had to make it negative you had to make it negative they achieved something no no no uh they

listen as well this is what we're this was born out of the conversation. Men and women are built differently, and women kick men's ass at ultra endurance. And I would include- And then, by the way, I was joking, but I think it probably has something to do with stored energy. I'm not even joking. I'm sure there's a very easy explanation. I'm not even joking. Like, I'm sure there's a very easy explanation. I and I think it also applies to domestic arguments in terms of endurance things that they will win every time.

Yeah, absolutely. And then Joanne said, oh, Captain, my captain was dead poet society, not goodwill hunting. Mike, I think I might have snuck in that. I knew it was from deadets. I mean, it's it's Walt Whitman, isn't it? I think they anyway. Yes. I sorry if I misspoke. And then Phil McCracken said the correct pronunciation of Ukrainian capital is Kiev. That's how Ukrainians pronounce it. I know. I think we we might have said Kiev by accident. pronounce it. I know. I think we might have said Kiev by accident. I always say Kiev. Well, because it used

to be Chicken Kiev, but that's the Russian pronunciation. The Ukrainian spelling is K-Y-I-V not K-I-E-V, and it's pronounced Kiev instead of Kiev. So let's adjust our pronunciation. I don't think we have to worry about it. I think by time

this airs, Kiev is gone. So don't even worry about it right i'm gonna change it to the second uh lenis leningrad yeah lennon keeve um which was which was what saint peter saint petersburg right and it changed to leningrad? Right. And then back to St. Petersburg? It's like in Northern Ireland, there was Derry, and then the British took over and they called it Londonderry. Oh, wow. Speaking of Irish, St. Patrick's Day show we mentioned, also coming to La Jolla in San Diego on April 8th through the 10th at the Comedy Store. Three days after your birthday?

Right. And I'm going to be in Chicago for my birthday seeing my son. Me and my wife are flying in for the weekend. Oh, yeah? You're going to make her fly home alone while you go off and do a movie? I drove home with her. I know, I know. Spokane, I will be at the Spokane Comedy Club, April

14-16. Then I'll be in New Orleans at the Lone Wolf or the Hungry Wolf the Something Wolf on April 21st. Lafayette, Louisiana April 22nd. Plain Ridge Park Casino in Massachusetts on April 23rd. Also coming to the Denver

Comedy Works and the Tacoma Comedy Club in May. Go to FitzDawg.com for tickets and get yourself a little comedy action. Let's also talk about something that you and I love. I love when we get a sponsor. I mean, we

don't take every sponsorship that comes our way. We take the ones we believe in. And this one, Audible.com is close to both of our hearts. Not only because And this one, Audible.com is close to both of our hearts. Not only because this program is on Audible.com, but also because... Are we? Oh, yeah. We're on Audible.

I don't know where we are. Yeah. Here's Audible on my phone, though. There's Audible on my phone. I literally listen to Audible every single night when I go to bed for maybe the last 12 years. Ready for this? Randomly called it up. Look what's on there and see if you can see the chapter.

That's the book. Mel Brooks, All About Me, Chapter 12, Blazing Saddles. Come on. I win. Wow. That's a fun game. I'll show you mine. Yeah.

Let me show you my Audible. I used to a fun game. I'll show you mine. Yeah. Let me show you my, let me show you my. I used to pitch, I used to pitch that game. We would go in a celebrity's home and it would be like, show your TiVo recordings. Oh, wow. Yours is funny too. It's the biography of Chairman Mao. Mao Zedong. Yeah.

I just started it last night. Huh? I finished, I finished James Monroe yesterday and I started Mao Zedong. I only, I listen to biographies when I go to sleep, and I remember almost nothing, but I enjoy the shit out of hearing the stories of great, great people. But Audible membership is valuable because it gives you a chance to not only discover podcasts, but also they've got the exclusive words plus music series. It's a great way to self-improve.

They've got all kinds of wellness programs. They've got theatrical performances, comedy, originals, thousands of titles. I've got to get your book that you're reading now because i i was at your place and i saw the size of the book uh it's very intimidating to a distracted person like me so i am going to audible the shit out of that thing oh ant kind so a-n-T-S, new word, kind? A-N-T, kind. Oh, antique kind. Ant kind.

A-N-T-K-I-N-D, ant kind. That's the name of the book by Charlie Kaufman. Okay, got it. All right, I don't got it. So I'm reading that. So we move forward. Go ahead. I announced that on my other podcast that we're starting a book group for AntCon because it is a long book. It's 700 pages, but you can listen to it on Audible. And and if you want to get involved, write to me at Fitz dog radio at Gmail dot com. We've already got seven or eight people. I think we should get a couple. I think we should get 10 and then we'll start the group and we'll do maybe a hundred pages a week and then talk about

it on a zoom call. I think that'd be fun. Wouldn't it? I kind of spaced out as I was trying to still, uh, decipher the title of the book. Uh, are you talking about an audio book club? Yes. I love it. I'm in. Okay. So, uh, here's how it works antique kind. So visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to the number 500 hyphen 500 and find out what they have. Also known as 500 dash 500. Yeah. I'm not good with titles. The app is amazing. It lets you go to sleep.

You can set a timer. There's so many ways to use the app that are amazing. Every genre, bestsellers, new releases, memoirs, thrillers. You've got thousands of podcasts from your favorites to new series. You can choose one title a month to keep from our entire catalog, including the latest bestsellers and new releases. You also get full access to the growing selection of included audio books, audio originals, and podcasts.

Download or stream our included titles all you want and do it while you work out, do it while you do chores, whatever. New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Go to Audible.com slash papers or text papers dash. Sorry. Visit Audible.com slash papers or text papers 500 slash 500. Are you stroking out over there?

What's happening? Not my best read. It's the bagels. It's the two fucking bagels. They're killing me. It's also too close to your heart because we actually totally, totally believe in Audible. And so you were torn between like, I'm just going to shoot from the hip here and tell them how I feel about it. But you had to cover some bullet points.

Got to cover the bullet points at the same time. Speaking of bullets, why don't we read our first story? You got a newspaper there? Nope. I have a legal pad. Hey, now. Here we go. Extra!

Extra! We all have found it! Extra! I got to work on that crinkle. It's going to get better. Front page. Go for it. A loose camel. A loose camel.

And I'm not talking about something you buy at a bodega in the East Village where you buy one cigarette. A loose camel attacked and killed two men at a Tennessee farm. The camel attacked Bobby Metheny and Tommy Gunn at Shirley Farms in Memphis. Deputies received a call about the camel and found Metheny and Gunn unconscious on the ground and the camel still on the loose. As deputies tried to move one of the victims into an ambulance, the camel reappeared, attacked a sheriff's office vehicle and moved towards the deputies. It was at this time officers—did he spit? It was at this time officers had to put the camel down for the safety of everyone on the scene.

It's not immediately clear where the camel emerged from. Pumpkin Barn, which is part of Shirley Farms, has a petting zoo. Well, I guess they could stuff it and put it back in the petting zoo. Well, I guess they could stuff it and put it back in the petting zoo. This story, first of all, the guy's name is Tommy Gunn. Tommy Gunn. I mean, are his parents just hysterical, or is that a fake name because these guys were

having sex with a camel? The camel did seem kind of angry, didn't he? This is like a Mr. Hand situation. I think these two were involved in some, what's it called? Bestiality? Bestiality. I like the word husbandry, but that's when you're hooking up two animals to get their offspring, I think.

But something's not right about this story. Or the simple explanation is they were trying to kill it because it's a uh it's a middle eastern animal it's a terrorist horse right and they attacked first it's in our it's an iranian tank um yeah that's crazy yeah that's crazy i mean i mean i broke a shoulder, you know, when a horse that like animals that big, man, are scary. Yeah. Yeah. And I've never seen I mean, I I've seen camels like you see video. You see them act up and then they just smash the thing in the face with like a riding crop. You know what I mean? Yeah. But they do. They do get ornery. Well, they spit. They spit in your face.

Yeah. I'd like to see a kangaroo fight a camel. I think one of my earliest memories is being at the Bronx Zoo when I was little and riding a camel. What? Yeah, I was probably like three, and I rode a camel. Did your dad throw you over the fence into the area? No, they had camel rides. Yeah, they had camel rides at the Bronx Zoo.

Oh, that stuff has probably been shut down. Yeah, I'm sure. I told you about in Santa Monica, remember the farmer's market? You used to have a little pony ride. This farm would bring in like four ponies. Oh, yeah, yeah. My kids rode them all the time. And then remember the protesters?

Yes. So, of course, it's Santa Monica. So then protesters would come and they'd protest the animals being used like this because they were attached. They were like harnessed to like this plus sign, like, you know, metal. So it was like a merry-go-round, a little merry-go-round. They put hay on the ground anyway. And this one protester like screamed in my ear as I was walking by and I had nothing to do with it. I was just trying to get like some $7, you know, corn on the cob. And they're like, look at them.

Look at their eyes. Totally drugged over. Not like, you know, like barely living a life. And I'm like, are you talking about the ranch hands who are also walking around with the ponies? Because their eyes, I've never seen deader eyes in my life. the ponies because their eyes i've never seen deader eyes in my life i know it's so funny because here you are in like precious santa monica and all the women have on yoga pants and the guys have on like cuban tunics and everybody like you said is eating corn on the cob and and and then you've got these farmands that have on cowboy boots and jeans. And, like, they're legitimate, like, farm people that drive into Santa Monica for the day. Oh, real farms are very close to here.

And real struggling farms, yeah. So, oh, my God, that was a whole. That's hilarious. So the pony's walking around in a circle on a hay getting fed all these treats, you know, especially from people who shouldn't be feeding them like me. Yeah, anyway. That's the story about the camel, though. Here we got a Trump story.

We don't do a lot of Trump stories. He's been out of the news lately. But yesterday he sat down for an hour-long podcast interview with the Nelk Boys from Canada, and he was asked his favorite songs. And he said, quote, YMCA, the Gay National Anthem. What? Did you ever hear that? Trump asked his podcast host, they call it the Gay National Anthem.

YMCA gets people up, and it gets them moving. So Village People lead singer Victor Willis said the group asked Trump to stop using their song to no avail. The Gay National Anthem, I thought that was O Canada. to stop using their song to no avail. And he also, the gay national anthem. I thought that was Oh Canada. Wait a minute. The Noke Boys are going to come down and kick your ass. I mean.

That's what they ask him? Noke Boys, come on. No, that's a good question because that's the kind of thing that really, it's like when they asked him when he was holding the Bible what his favorite book was in the Bible, and he said they're all really good. Yeah, of course. I can't choose.

They're all really good. Really? Leviticus? I don't even know if Trump knows what a YMCA is unless he's trying to close some down or tear them down. Well, the funniest thing is that this this lead singer guy said that this was not a gay song, that they had gay songs, but the YMCA was not a gay song. Yeah, they have everything you need. They have everything for you men to enjoy.

You can hang out with all the boys. YMCA. It's fun to stay at the YMCA. Let me tell you something. As a kid who grew up going to the YMCA in the 70s and 80s, it was a fuck fest in the shower. I used to go to the McBurney YMCA on 23rd Street. You did not go in that shower room

unless you meant business. And that was true for a lot of YMCA's. Also, if it's not gay, then this song is written, who wrote this? Bernie Taupin? It's written at a second grade level.

They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys. YMCA. It's fun to stay at the YMCA. That's like a second grader in like was given 10 minutes to come up with a marketing slogan. Oh, my God. It's so ridiculous. It's so funny because I'll be gay. The YMCA. I don't know the whole history of it, but I mean, I think it's the Young Men's Christian Association. It's supposed to be a christian organization and all of a sudden they

this gay anthem comes out where they and they just pinpoint exactly what the ymca is turned into which is you know uh it was a play it was a very positive place for a lot of gay men to connect and explore and all that but a lot of it was uh a little tawdry. Apparently, your experience, yeah. No, ask our friend who's gay who spent a lot of time in the, I think, the 63rd Street Y uptown. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Well, listen, Trump's favorite song from Village People is not going to be

in the Navy because he just scans it. Like, what's going to rhyme with bone spurs? Anything? I don't get this song. Draft Dodger jokes. Doritos. All right. Doritos cuts number of chips in each bag and blames Bidenflation.

That's the word they're using now. In a story we could have saved for Bad News for Gubbins, That's the word they're using now. In a story we could have saved for bad news for gubbins, a bag of Doritos has fewer chips than it used to. Quote, inflation is hitting everyone. We just took a little bit out of the bag so we can give you the same price and you can keep enjoying our chips. Well, that's one way to spin it. Other ubiquitous consumer products have fallen victim to shrink inflation. Also, a box of Wheat Thins now has 28 fewer crackers and Bounty has cut three sheets from each roll

of toilet paper, which is more bad news for Gubbins and anyone around him. Wow. Isn't that amazing? It reminds me when I was a a kid my parents used to pay us to rake the leaves and we had a lot of trees in our in our yard and where i grew up and so we would go out and we were such little fucking scammers that we would we would rake a pile and then we would throw in like two handfuls of leaves and then we would tie the bag we would fluff it up with air then we would throw in like two handfuls of leaves and then we would tie the bag. We would fluff it up with air and we would tie it up and there would be this enormous fucking stack of bags when they came home and we would make like $12

each and then the wind would come and it would just blow the fucking bags down the street. Cause it was, it was no weight at all. It was just a bag of air. It was no weight at all. It was just a bag of air. Also, think about bagging up leaves in a plastic, hefty bag. Yeah. How bad is that for the environment?

I know. Listen, this was better than Dorito's other plan, which is to reduce the number of chips and then make up the difference by lacing it with fentanyl. Ah. Yeah. That's what a lot of people are doing to save money. But how confused are stoners going to be? Like, there's no way I ate the whole bag already. Like, they know the rhythm.

They know how long it takes to empty a bag of Doritos. But it's BS, man. When they have a good year, when the weed is cheaper, do they put more in the bag? No. Right. Right. I know. That's like right now with gas prices. You know, we we are not dependent on Russian oil. How is it that our gas prices have gone up? They say four percent of our fuel for cars. And yet our and yet the cost has gone up like 70 cents a gallon.

It's fucking it's these oil companies are raking in the profits. Oh my God. They, they, this is a more scandalous raking than me and my brother when we were young. Raking? All right, Wirtle. Oh man.

Oh boy. All right, do you have a streak? What's a streak mean? For some reason, Wirtle pops up with my scorecard and tells me my streak. All right. Do you have a streak? What's a streak mean? For some reason, Wordle pops up with my scorecard and tells me my streak, and then it has all my stats. Do you not have that? How many, like on three guesses, two guesses, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, I got. Here's mine. Right there. Here's mine. 66 played. Here's mine. 66 played. 97% win. My current streak, you ready for it? One.

One. Oh, shit. That means that you have to solve it in six or you lose your streak? I was at 35 and then this fucking word this week. So, Wordle players complain it's the worst day of their life. After too many options for the first letter causes puzzlers to fail, despite having four correct letters from the start. Wordle has been slammed yet again today as players complain the puzzles answer

had too many possible options for their first letter, causing many to guess incorrectly and breaking their winning streaks. All right. So there's a little spoiler. If you're one of these people that goes back and catches up part in the pot in there, you'll see why in a second. So don't listen for the next minute. Anyway, they calculated that the five letter word this week ended in atch, A-T-C-H, on the first attempt. But they still failed as they guessed match, catch, patch, batch, hatch, latch, natch, and ratch before the correct answer, which was watch. Not even watch. One guy tweeted, fuck you, Wordle. This is BS.

And this is the fourth time you've picked a word like this in the past month. So earlier this month, I don't know if you remember, people got the last four letters of A-S-T-Y, A-S-T-Y. And they got on like the second or third attempt. So then they were like tasty, pasty, hasty. Then masty or masty, I don't even know that word. Vasty, but the correct word was nasty. Hello, nasty.

So thanks for giving it. Listen, truly, Wyrtle, thank you for giving us an outlet for our misplaced rage. You can hear conversations like, hey, you know, the Ukrainian refugees, fuck that. It's nasty. That's bullshit. Right, right.

Who's writing this shit? It's the Russians. The Russians are writing these. Well, it's the New York Times. It got harder since the New York Times took over. Absolutely. They kind of fucked it up. They say no.

They say no. They inherited his word list. So they're a word list that people use. You could go to the word list and spoil it for yourself. So there are word lists that people use. You could go to the word list and spoil it for yourself. This guy is a programmer, and he programmed in an existing word list of five-letter words. And I think, according to things I've read, the New York Times hasn't messed with that yet.

I don't know. Last week, they did Toxic. They did Me Too. They did Impeach. They did cisgender. I did not hear my guesses. God damn it. Here's my streak. My streak is I've done-

I got three today. I got it in three. Yeah, I got it in three today. I've played 54 games. My streak is 53, which means I didn't get it my first try, and I've gotten it every single time since. And now it's all about Quartle. Oh, have you

tried that? Yeah. I'm not going to let myself. Enough fucking time sucks in my life. So do I. So I just added another one. Yeah, Quartle is, don't even try to guess the word on this. Just go for letters and then begin

guessing on like the third or fourth one. I was in the airport last week and I was waiting for my flight and there was this young couple and they were kind of nerdy and the guy goes, did you get Wordle yet today? And she goes, yeah, but when I put in the W and I went, shh. I fucking shushed

them and they shut up immediately and they stopped talking to each other and I didn't i didn't explain you a drink yeah i didn't follow up with hey sorry but i'm really into wordle or like hey you know you really shouldn't say where i just shushed them and i went back to reading my phone i put on a mask mr karen over here i think that's what it was because i had a mask on Mr. Karen over here. I think that's what it was because I had a mask on.

Maybe I felt like, you know, you feel like you can get away with whatever you want with a mask on. Just rage-filled eyes over the mask. That's all they say. I'm smiling under the mask, just so you know. This is your story. What is this? Idaho, oh boy. Idaho's House of Representatives has passed a Russian-style bill that could jail librarians if they allow minors to check out, quote, objectionable materials.

Um, teachers, bookstore owners, and students are to be prosecuted for disseminating anything that portrays LGBTQ people in a positive light. We are simply ask, quote, we are simply asking that those that are responsible for the materials in our libraries or in museums, uh, are handled sensitively and responsibly. Representative, ready for this? Gay Ann DeMordant said, there needs to be more vigilance periods. Gay, her name is Gay Ann. I mean, thou dost protest too much, Gay Ann. All right, so I don't know.

Can they go to the library and check out, like, Brokeback Mountain? Because, you know, they portrayed that guy as a gay crybaby. Maybe it's not a positive. Right, right. Who's to determine the positive light? That is so fucking insane. This is like we have crossed a line here. I mean, gay people need to see themselves representative in a positive way because

some i mean including this podcast we make so many wink wink ironic jokes making fun of gay people and gay culture and the concept of gay and you know and it's insidious and we do it but you know i think people get where we're coming from. But it's also, if you're gay, you do have to put up with that shit. You do have to put up with this kind of, like, sneaking, subtle, anti-gay sentiment that's out there. And you've got to counter that with some characters that are fucking show hope. Right. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the harder look we take at it, the gay jokes aren't worth it we talked about Iowa banning trans men.

Sorry, trans women, like from wrestling women in women's wrestling. Right. And I want to say to that person who commented, you know, you're right. Probably. I didn't think and this is where you're calling me wrong, I didn't think I said anything offensive. I think I was just like, I think in a lot of instances, it's unfair for a formerly male 10th grader to then identify as a woman and wrestle women 10th graders. Anyway, but I'm wondering, what do you think? What do you think I got wrong there? I mean, it's just such a loaded issue.

Just denying their right to? It's so complicated because I agree. you know, that there is a disadvantage to the girls that are wrestling to wrestle somebody who is built and has the chemical makeup of a male with higher testosterone and et cetera. But at the same time, you're taking on what we're just saying, which is how do you empower people who feel like they were, you know that they whatever whatever the fucking genetics handed them they came out they came out not feeling like they're assigned uh uh gender and what do you do you penalize them and say well now you can't play sports because you i don't know it's fucking it's tricky but i'm kind of with you

and chris maybe he doesn't like us referencing him in this way because we're being serious for a second so you can cut this out in post if you don't but brought up that uh like basketball now sure can there be a seven foot woman on a high school basketball team of course there could and that would be really noteworthy because unless i'm misunderstanding something i mean it, it would just be, I don't know, 150 points. Like, you know, wouldn't you just pass to the hands of a seven foot person in a girls high school basketball game for them to just dunk it, dunk it, dunk it, dunk it, dunk it like 60 times, 70 times? Right. I don't know. So, yeah. But I'm interested if that person wants to write back. Right. What's't know. So, yeah. But I'm interested. If that person wants to write back,

what's the email they can write to? Fitzdogradio at gmail.com. We read them all. We reply to them all. And when I say we, I. So write to Greg and complain about me not understanding this issue because I want to be sensitive and I actually do want to know where I'm getting it wrong. And maybe it's just if you identify as a woman, that is it. You are a woman and you should not be precluded by law to compete in women's sports. Maybe that's your view. I think there's room for both that view and for someone to call that in certain cases an unfair advantage. Yeah. That's all. Speaking of unfair advantages, good news for Gubbins is our next segment.

Okay. What is this? Now, what happens? I know that Gubbins. Hold on, paper. There we go. Hold on, paper. I know you guys played golf on Tuesday, and it was you, Malloy, and Gubbins. And that Gubbins, there was a whole thing about, there was a cooler full of beer that Gubbins brought from the car into the golf cart. Oh, jeez.

And Matt got very upset. I repressed this. I blocked this out. Matt got very upset because he felt like, you know, the starter at the course was letting you guys play an extra nine holes for free, and there was a cart girl that was driving around with beers, and Matt thought it was unfair. Not that Matt didn't want to bring the beers,

but he didn't want the cooler sitting in the fucking cart as if to say to her, we're all good. Thanks. Is that what happened? Yeah. So they ran. So we're going to start nine before it gets dark. The guy let us go for free was great. And there is a bar cart girl, I guess, if that's woman, if that's, I don't even know. I'm new to golf, so I don't know all the racist, all the sexist terms yet. So she sold us some beers. We bought some, even though we, Malloy snuck some on and we had some, we bought some beers from her during the 18 holes.

So then we're going, we're by the parking lot to start the nine and matt and gubbins go to the car and then gum's like let's just bring the cooler let's just be the cooler matt's like no no like that's not cool like let's just keep this on the dl everyone has plausible deniability they don't know we're doing it like you know and let's not just rub it in their faces and and it's wrong and it's illegal so against the rules so gubb So, Gubbins is like, fuck that. Let's just bring the cooler. So, Gubbins brings the cooler. So, they come back with the cooler.

Not only do they come back with the cooler, Gubbins then goes up to the girl and goes, hey, my buddy snuck his cooler on full of beer, so we have a cooler, so I just want to... And he thought it would be funny. Yeah. And I completely failed to see what was funny to anyone, maybe except Gubbins. Like, it wasn't funny to her.

Yeah. And he knew her. And Matt got very upset. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Gubbins, that's not going to help your quest. We're calling the new segment Gubs to Hubs and it's The Bachelor starring

Dennis Gubbins. We've gotten two, two women have responded so far. We're looking for a third so that we can actually do The Bachelor. We can do Gubs to Hubs and he can find his, he's never had a girlfriend and this could be, no, that's not true. He's dated many women. I mean, he's dated very many. and this could be no that's not dated many women i mean he's dated

very married yeah i've never known him but this isn't love on the spectrum it's kind of is but it's this isn't someone who's never dated he has dated he and he's very lovable and uh and i know i know we give him a lot of shit but this is a quality guy who makes a good living some months. And he knows how to treat a lady. He knows how to dance. Boy, he can dance. He's funny as hell. He's a really good soul.

He's not hard on the eyes. And he's a life of the party. No, he's a good looking guy. He used to play soccer. He's got great calves. Tremendous athlete. If you want to be considered

in the Gubs to Hubs competition, ladies, please send us your info at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. You will be considered, and when I say considered, you will be in because we only need one more person. Yep. All right. Let's do some, let's do some.

Go for it. I just don't want to ask you if you've seen it. Go ahead. Go for it. I just don't want to ask you if you've seen it. Go ahead. Louis CK just sent me this morning a link to his. He did an infomercial to promote his new special. Have you seen it yet? Same. I got I got I watched 15 minutes of it so far and I laughed a lot.

Wait, did he text you as well? He emailed me. But by he I think I mean Louis Cisck.com oh okay yeah um it is so goddamn funny and ingenious to do an infomercial and he's been playing it on um all different you know late night yeah you know where you see infomercials late at night on those channels. The key to this is it's not a sketch for laughs sake. It's a functional infomercial as well. Right. Do you know the guy who's the host at the desk?

Oh yeah. Joe Macci. He's hilarious. He is so good. He's so good. At playing that role. Yep. Yeah.

Like you see Louie trying not to laugh a lot. Yeah. He's really good in that role. His standup is fucking good. He's a really strong act. I don't say that about a lot of people, but this guy's, this guy's super talented.

Although, you know, what's weird is he's on that, that Greg Gutfeld show. Just so weird. Is he? Yeah. Um,

so wait a minute. Uh, whatever. I was was gonna go into youtube now and try it's on youtube um there were classic louis ck absurdist things in there just like random sentences that killed me because it's so louis and he comes on and he comes on it's a fake talk show and there's a woman seated in the first chair and he comes on and it's a fake talk show. And there's a woman seated in the first chair and he comes on and, you know, she moves down to the couch and he sits down in the chair. And as the thing progresses, you see her get tired and then eventually lay down and go to sleep on the couch. Yeah. okay i just called it up and youtube remembered where i was and occasionally just pops like an infomercial like you see someone trying to saran wrap a bowl you know like an infomercial like does this happen to you so this just popped to a kitchen there's three children it goes

these children are all dead now that's the only line while you were talking i called it up and i was trying to shut the audio off just to see but that like that's the only line while you were talking i called it up and i was trying to shut the audio off just to see but that like that's a just perfectly placed like right there that's yeah there's a woman drinking a glass of wine and and the and the uh and he says this woman's this woman's husband just died yeah she will never she will never see him again she's thinking about ordering the special. It's, it's really, really funny. Um, so yeah, no, I'm glad you brought that up. Um, oh, so this show, uh, a friend of mine who I really Jesse, uh, Gordon, who's awesome. He's, he recommended, he goes, last night I watched the first episode of Our Flag Means Death.

And he goes, have you seen? Pretty special. I thought again about the Japanese idea I have, and it could be an interesting tone reference. Do you know about this show? No. What is it? I wonder if it's the one from, I can never pronounce his name. Our Flag Means Death? No. What is it? I wonder if it's the one from, I can never pronounce his name. Our flag

means death. No. I think it's, what's his name from the vampire? I literally have no short-term memory right now. Oh no, it's David Jenkins. Okay. All right. I'm going to see it. That's all. I thought maybe you would have heard see it. That's all. Good story. You would have heard about it. We talked about this. What do you mean? So you got an email from somebody. I'm recommending something.

You have no background on it. You have no information on it. You just tell me you got an email from somebody to watch something, and that makes it into Sunday Papers as a story? Here's the problem. I just searched for it, and I lost the Sunday Papers doc. Okay, another entertainment news, because we haven't done any. Let me mention one show that I did watch.

It's just one season and it's called Pieces of Her. And it's so, the acting is outstanding. The writing is fucking deplorable. There are just quantum jumps that they ask you to take that make no fucking sense at all. And it throws it off. But What's-Her-Name is in it. Hold on. Who's in it?

Now I'm the guy who's unprepared for the story. I'm going to let you keep talking about it. I got to get another water. Go ahead. It is. We are professionals. This literally will take 15 seconds. It is Pieces of Her. Toni Collette.

Toni Collette is so fucking talented. I love her. And then the woman who plays her daughter is Bella Heathcote, who's great. So it's a Netflix show. And it's about a woman who's in, well, I won't tell you anything. I recommend it, but with the caveat that there are some plot leaps that you have to just go along with and not be too annoyed by. I think today, Sunday, I'm going to see the movie in the theater, Worst Person in the

World. Oh, really? I've heard too many- Wait, when are you going? Maybe I'll go with you. I don't know. I don't know. We're also playing golf in the afternoon.

Yeah, I might not do that. Daylight savings. Happy daylight savings, everybody. Happy daylight savings. Oh, God, I didn't even think of that. Wait a minute. That's tonight? Yes.

Oh, shit. Okay. What is it, 2 a.m.? 1.59 a.m.? So we lose an hour. We lose an hour. Yeah, we gain an hour of sunlight at the end of the day. So you like it.

You like daylight savings. We're springing forward. Springing forward. This is how I know I'm getting older. This winter is the first time I fell in love with it getting dark early. Because I have a problem. I stay up too late. Like my juices get going around 1130 for some reason.

And then like, like even now, this wordle comes out at midnight. I always do wordle at like 1230 in the morning. And so anyway, I liked it. I'm moving towards, and this is me in my mid-50s, becoming more of a, I want to rearrange my approach to life and be more of a morning person. I don't know that you can. I read more and more that you have a biological clock

that's just who you are. You're either a morning person or you're not, and you can't really fake it. I am definitely not a morning person. I don't get going until 3 in the afternoon. That's when my brain kicks in. My kids are the victims of me being, if it is light out at 8, that means I have not eaten dinner or made dinner yet.

Yeah. So I felt like more of a responsible human being when the sun sets before 6 PM. Right. I just get more done in the evening. Like the, you know, like, Oh, it just, for my clock, it's like, all right, that makes sense that there's dinner. My problem is when it sets at 8 30 PM, that's pretty late to be making a kid dinner. Right. I think that's why I love New York so much, because it's like dinner at 10, yeah, not a problem at all. Right.

A million options. Restaurants thriving at that hour. Right. In LA, it's like after 9 o'clock, you can't get a meal. It's crazy. Yeah. It's a morning city for sure. People get up and they hike and they go to yoga and all that shit in the morning.

A lot of crying. Here we go. Jussie. Is that how you pronounce this guy's name? Here we go. Jussie Smollett. Big entertainment story this week. Sentenced.

Wild scene as Jussie Smollett. Is that a Smollet? What is it? What is that? I'm not involved in this story. It's all you. I don't know why you're not. Is sentenced to 150 days in jail

and fined $25,000 for faking racist, faking a racist homophobic attack in 2019. The disgraced Empire actor stormed out of the court. Did you see this? No.

So he right before he stormed out of the court, they're like, do you have anything to say? And he starts saying, I am not suicidal. And he starts getting angry. And he says he'll blame the judge if he dies behind bars. And he goes, I am not. So he's basically echoing what happened to, you know, the pervert.

What's his name? Jeffrey Epstein. Who, huge debate if he hanged himself in prison. So in this delusions of grandeur, Smollett here, Smollett, whatever his fucking name is, Smollett here, Smollett, whatever his fucking name is, says he he's setting the table like I've been killed. If you find me hanging in my cell as if anyone cares enough about this guy to hang him. Yeah. Right. Right. I know what this means. This means he is going to hang himself in prison because that's what this guy does. He's in jail because he kept saying, I did not commit a hate crime against myself, except you did.

And now he won't stop with the fake crimes against himself. Like when he's in the mess hall, he's going to be like, I did not poison my own food. I am not into poison food. I do not prepare, nor do I poison my own meals. And he's going to scream out of his cell. I do not repeatedly and violently impale myself on large, hard penises. I do not do that. And then he's going to be fucking everything that moves in that prison.

He's an actor. Because that's what he does. He's an actor. He acts in life. He pretends things. That's your fucking job. If you're a musician, you play music. If he was a comedian, he'd be making jokes about all this stuff.

But he's an actor. He's very good at it. He should be in a writer's room with all these plot twists that he comes up with. Yes. Yes. Like, were you mugged? Or were you? I don't know.

We don't have footage of the mugger. Maybe he mugged himself. Yeah. I don't know. We don't have footage of the mugger. Maybe he mugged himself. Yeah. I don't know. But, yeah, he, and then when he was being taken out, like, he would interrupt himself because he thought he was going to be, like, tased probably. He goes, Judge, I respect you.

I respect you and this decision. And then he would, like, fight fight back and he wouldn't say anything. And he goes, but I am not suicidal. And like, and, and, and when he then was being led out of the courtroom, he was screaming it. I was wondering where that came from. Cause last night I did a show with, uh, you know, Byron Bowers, comedian Byron Bowers.

Yeah. Funny. He went on stage and he was screaming, I am not suicidal. He kept screaming it. And I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. It was this. It was like the most viral news clip in entertainment for sure this week. All right.

Then there's this story. YouTube couple arrested after they filmed themselves hiding inside a Target overnight. Johnson LaRose, 25 and 24 year old Charlotte Fisher, known on YouTube as Saucy and Honey, where they have where they have 17,700 followers. Wow. Filmed themselves hiding in a Pennsylvania store on February 21st for their 24-hour overnight challenge in Target. That was the title. The pair have since been arrested and charged with third-degree criminal trespassing and conspiracy for the bizarre social media challenge. The lifestyle bloggers insist they have no regrets.

Good for them. Good. Way to shoot for the stars. Lock yourself in a fucking Target. You know what I mean? Like, of all the stores, wouldn't you pick, like, a sharper image or something where you can... If I stay in a sharper image where they don't kick you out of the massage chair after 20 minutes, I would sit in that fucking massage chair until I shit myself.

Well, they couldn't do it in Walmart because Walmart locks 40 of their employees in every night to do the restocking. So they'd all be like, what is this couple doing in here taking selfies all night? Also 17,700 followers. Were they also charged for committing the saddest crime of the week? I wonder how many they have now.

Chris, will you look up their Instagram account and see how many followers they have now? No, it's YouTube. See how many YouTube followers they have. I'm curious if it's gone up from 17,000. Didn't you park yourself in a massage chair this week? I did. I went into, I had to get new tires, and I went to Costco,

which I think is the best place to get tires, by the way. 100% the best place to go. I got Michelins, and if you get four, you get $150 off. So I got, like, really good Michelin tires for, like, $600 or something total, like installed, balanced, everything. They now have 20,000, 20.3 thousand followers.

So they've barely climbed up. What do you know? They're up 15 percent about. That's fantastic. Good for them. The stunt worked. But you're not allowed to profit on crimes, are you? No, no.

So employees of Pixar have sent a scathing letter i've never sent a scathing letter i feel like that's gotta be on my bucket list to their parent company disney accusing it of censoring virtually all lgbtqia wait. Plus. Can we unpack that plus? Do you have to pay extra for plus? I know what A is. Wait, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, queer, queer, which I don't think I could say. What's I? Wait a minute. Isn't it questioning, not queer?

Oh, is that what it is? Wow. I probably just said the worst thing ever. What's I? But there's gay, so why would there be gay and queer? I think it's questioning. I know A is asexual. Oh. And what's I?

That's you. You're in that group. And what's I? That's you. You're in that group. They put an I in just so that anybody who reads it is now gay. Yeah. Me.

L-B-G-T. Me. Myself. I-Q-A. Wait a minute. You fooled me. Wait a minute. You got me. Shit.

Damn it. I'm cis. We are not making light of this, but we are wondering what the I is. The letter. Come on. What is I? Chris is holding back. He knows what it is.

Oh, intersex. Intersex. What is that? If you have sex with an alien in space? What is it? No, don't, Craig. Now you're getting in space? What is it? No, don't, Craig. Now you're getting in trouble. What is intersex?

You just call me Craig? No. Well, I don't know how you identify at this point, but other than bigot. Is B in there? Yeah, there's B. B is bigot. All right, so they're upset about content from- Intersex might be, I think it used to be the term hermaphrodite.

Oh, okay. This must be the most painful conversation to listen to if you know all of this and you're woke and you're watching these two dinosaurs. I'm sorry, but they just keep adding letters. It's too much. It's costing us the election. All right. Now, that's a valid point, but all your other points, I would just say.

All right. So they're upset at Pixar Films. The letter comes one day after Disney CEO Bob Chapek claimed the company's leaders were opposed to Florida's infamous Don't Say Gay bill, as infamous don't say gay bill in which schools will be forced to limit discussion discussing sexual orientation and gender identity as well as ban circular on the matter a bill which prior to yesterday uh so while disney's failure to curricula the curricula oh they're banning it in the schools but you know he was pressured because he was silent for too long And then they put out a statement saying it's not really our place. And then he came out with the statement you're referring to because he had so much internal pressure from his employees saying you can't be silent on this. So sorry. Go ahead. to include LGBTQIA plus characters in all its many entertainment franchises.

Star Wars, Marvel, The Parks is well documented. Pixar's letter claims its parent company is purposefully removing content from the studio's works. Wow. We at Pixar have personally witnessed beautiful stories full of diverse characters come back from Disney corporate reviews, shaved down to crumbs of what they were. A gay filter. All right. So Pixar is like the gay son of Walt Disney. I guess so. Now, by the way, what's the plus?

The plus doesn't, does the plus refer to something else? Like this guy identifies as plus or is plus meaning there's more? Maybe they've finally given us a break and said, all right, we'll just put plus and stop adding letters. And that will include any new letters people think of. I have an idea. Why not do LGB plus? It's so much easier to write. It still includes everything. Yeah. And we know, you kind of know what's coming. You know the T's next. Yeah. Anyway, like if you're going to put ellipses, why you wouldn't put ellipses after the longest statement in the world the ellipses are meant to be earlier in the run of uh details anyway so uh so there's i mean they i kind of researched like how many gay characters there actually have been in Disney, like never fully stated,

but like Captain Hook has always been seen as gay, not only gay, but not a great depiction of gay because he wears these oversized clothes and he's very dramatic and he's very, and that the criticism is that he also comes off as a pedophile because he's obsessed with this young boy. He's like a predator and that he wants to molest him. And that it sort of says that gay men are all predatory and they want to convert young boys to their lifestyle. Maybe that's the plus.

The hook? The hook is a plus? The hook is a plus. And they've had gay characters other than hook, right? Oh, millions, yeah. At least two of the cars in Cars 3 were gay. Oh, really? How can a car be gay?

I don't know. I've never seen it. All right. But it seems like the seven dwarfs, if you're going to have seven dwarfs, there's seven men, especially living together, statistically one of them is going to be gay. Right. I mean, you got grumpy, dopey, doc, happy, bashful, sneezy, and sleepy. So you've got an asshole, a pothead, a doctor, a guy on Prozac, a guy on the spectrum,

a cokehead, and a junkie. And you can't have a gay guy? You see Chris's joke? They cut out toppy. What's the stat? How many men are gay? Oh, by the way, that's interesting. What percentage of people are gay? Yeah, is the percentage for men and women the same? Interesting question. I'm going to guess, and Chris, you can look this up. I'm going to guess that 8%, 7% of people are gay, I'm going to guess. You might be conflating it. There was a popular stat one out of seven or six men have been abused sexually.

Oh, Jesus. Really? Yeah, I think that stat came out. Damn. I think that under Me Too, when they were talking about all the data that they have, which is far from conclusive because of how many go unreported. I think that was one. But also, you know what's interesting? I bet the percentage, the documented or whatever, the stated percentage of those who are gay has decreased over the last few years because of all those letters. What letters? Oh, yeah.

Because now it's like, you know what? I used to say I was gay. I now think I'm A or whatever. Insert whatever you want. Right. Or I used to think I was gay and I didn't really realize I actually identify as a woman. Or like transsexuals are not necessarily gay. Oh, that's not good down this road.

Jesus fucking Christ. Let's get back to Captain Hook being a pedo. Let's get to Florida, man. Woo! Speaking of uncomfortable subjects. Oh, wait. This just in from Chris Denman. Around 4.5% of the population is gay.

Which... That's gay men, women combined. Combined. So that's 4.5% of each. I wonder. I never thought about that before. Do you think it's the same percentage? People think it's 23%. We're reading as he types.

This should be interesting. Always overestimated. 23%. Was that a joke? I don't know. All right, let's do some Florida, man. That was a Gallup poll they found. People think it's 23%.

I don't know. More than one out of five? Well, it's probably a spectrum. No, 4.5%. So if there's 100 people, then four of them are gay. That seems low, doesn't it? It's low because we live in Los Angeles. Yeah, that's true.

Because it's like, I think it's 4% straight here. Yeah. All right, Florida man. A neighbor from hell. Naked Florida man defecates on next door's glass table in the middle of their porch. A man in Florida was arrested after he walked up to his neighbor's driveway fully naked and allegedly defecated. I mean, they can't remove allegedly yet. Yeah. And allegedly defecated on I mean, they can't remove allegedly yet? Yeah.

And allegedly defecated on his front porch's glass table. Police have not yet identified a motive. I think the motive was to shit on the table. The motive was he had to take a shit. You ever say, I got to go to the bathroom. What's your motive? To relieve my bowels, I guess. I don't know.

I never thought about it before. In December of last year, Carlisle was arrested for, this guy, was arrested for drunk driving and discharging multiple firearms at homes in the area of Lake Citrus Drive and Victoria Drive. And now he's being charged with walking up naked and dropping a deuce on their glass table on their front porch. I see. I want to hang out with this guy. This guy, I'm so tired of people saying to me, like, how was your weekend? And all I do is like, recount what I watched on Netflix. You hang out with this guy. You got a fucking story on Monday at the water cooler. This guy goes for it. He's living Florida life. How is my weekend? Well, it began with this guy shitting through

three moon roofs at the red light on the corner of Maine and Sepulveda. What was his motive? I don't know. Guy left his moonlight open. It would have been more of it how much can he get out of the guy in one day saturday was another four i wonder if they found toilet paper with the shit or did he just clip it and walk away with a little bit of mud left in the hole there is a doormat right there he probably scooched like dogs do you know like he got on his ass and scooched along the doormat that's the thing probably scooched like dogs do, you know, like he got on his ass and scooched along the doormat. That's the thing, is if somebody shits on your table,

don't just clean it up and think you're done. You gotta look for the wipe. It's around somewhere. It's somewhere. I think his defense should be he was just pranked. Like, listen, I didn't know they put glass there. I was just trying to shit on the porch, but it's like they saran wrapped a toilet.

That old prank. All of a sudden, my soft serve was just it never dropped to the floor. Who was it that was into the shitting on glass tables? Was it? There's a lot of a lot of urban legends or legends. Was it Chuck Barris? Oh, Danny Kaye. There was also.

Poor guy started St. Jude's. Was that Danny Kaye? No. Yeah, Danny Kaye. I've heard different things. Wasn't there one where they lay beneath a table and a prostitute would take a crap on the glass table? Well, Mike, there's the Cleveland Steamer, which is the— I think the Cleveland steamers, you lay under a glass table and then somebody takes a dump. And then you've got the Cincinnati steamer, which is where they actually crap right on your chest. Ohio has cornered the market in this in this scat category.

Yeah. Is there a Toledo dump? Is there something? They have a lot of cities in Ohio that are like, you know. I think that's an oxymoron, the Toledo dump. So let's talk about, let's go to international. All right, here we go. yes sir congolese man i think that's the florida of africa we've never said that phrase before all right he recently shocked the world by marrying three identical triplets who decided to share the same man in order to stay together instead of becoming separated. He's identified as Louiezo and in a colorful wedding ceremony, it made national headlines.

After originally meeting Natalie on social media and becoming in love with her, Louiezo was reportedly deceived by her other two sisters into thinking that he was meeting his girlfriend. He allegedly couldn't tell the identical triplets apart and they eventually all fell in love with him. When they finally revealed that there were three of them and they all wanted to marry him, he just couldn't refuse. Can we please produce this as a reality show? Because it's like The Bachelor, but it's involving incest and eventually murder. Oh, my God. There's a picture of them. They're not bad looking, the women. No, and they do look alike.

They look identical. They look identical. Look at him. He's dapper. But they have three different color bouquets that they're holding. That's how you can tell them apart. They each have the same pearl necklace. It's Natasha, Natalie, and Nadige.

And they got money. This looks like a fancy wedding. This is the most complicated wedding ever. They were all brides. They were also all bridesmaids. Like, let's say, are you going to help braid my hair and help me with my dress? Yes. And will you for me and for me?

How does that play out? Yeah. I mean, that's a lot of speeches at the reception. Wait till there's a threesome and they leave one sister out. That will not go well. And you're right. A threesome and they leave one sister out. That will not go well. And you're right. A threesome has built in incest. It's baked in.

Yeah. And he is, this dude is on call for four ways. Like, he's the guy that, like, everybody else is playing soccer during the day and, you know, fucking around, drinking beers. He's drinking protein shakes. He's the guy that like everybody else is playing soccer during the day and, you know, fucking around drinking beers. Now he's drinking protein shakes. He's meditating. He's doing core work. He's got to service three women every night. Maybe he's just terrified of sister in laws. So he just removed that from the equation. He has no sister in laws. Right. Three wives. This guy can get three and Gubbins can't get one? I know.

Come on, Natalie. Break off from this situation. If we could get triplets, if there are any triplets that listen to the show, please. And all three of you are single. How about this? Some listener who likes to write in already, right? Jot down on your calendar, in a year, let's Google this guy. Do you think he will still be married to three of them?

I say no. I'm taking the under. I'm telling you, this is a reality show. We should be filming this shit. I bet in one year he's married to one of the sisters and that's even high. That's, that's, I'm being positive. And they're not talking to the other ones. I don't know if we can learn that, but sure. Okay. What do you think? How many, a year from now, how many, what's this guy's marital status?

I believe I'd look, I don't know the Congolese culture. I don't know if people take more than one wife over there to begin with. If it, if that's the case, then maybe they're still together. Yeah. You're equating taking more than one wife to marrying sisters. Yeah. I don't think Mormons did that. It could be that the three women are still together and he's out. I don't think any polygamists. Do I have that wrong? Did polygamists marry siblings? Maybe, maybe.

I think that's polygamist plus. We figured out the plus finally. One of Canada's deadliest snipers has now turned his sights on Russian invaders in the fields of Ukraine. Watch out, Russians. A bunch of snowballs are coming your way. And you're not going to be able to catch them. Oh, yeah, you will. They're wearing snowshoes.

It's a Mountie. His name is Wally. He joins hundreds of other Canadians who have gone to fight and defend the beleaguered country. A one-time member of the famed Van Dus served in both Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as joining Kurdish fighters in their battle to rid their land of ISIS. He told CBC he was greeted with open arms by Ukrainian citizens and fighters alike. Quote, it's like we were friends right away. A week ago, I was still programming stuff.

Now I'm grabbing anti-tank missiles from a warehouse to kill real people. That's my reality now. And then at the end, I'm going there for humanitarian reasons. Yeah, right. He likes to kill humanitarians. yeah right he likes to kill humanitarians very sadly the first thing this guy did was he accidentally shot down the ghost of kiev oh no yes the war hero because he he wants to be the story now this guy yeah the canadian sniper they all sound made up it just i just love that this guy is such a fucking psychopath that he just found a war and went, so people kill people? Can I go over there?

Can I just fucking kill people? It reminds me, and no one's going to like this comment. It reminds me of the kid that went across state lines with a gun to the Black Lives Matter. Kyle Rittenhouse? Rittenhouse, get over to Ukraine with your guns. Have your mom fly you over there. Right, right.

Every guy, every man who owns a pickup truck with more than four wheels on it, and has wraparound sunglasses and wears camo, and has more than two guns, fucking get on a boat and go over there is this a fashion for you guys or are you really fighters fucking go over there wait till they try to draft this generation that has grown up just playing war games everyone who

can go like fazillions of levels into Halo or whatever the hell the new war game craze is and they're not going to be going over right alright sports okay sir Okay, sir. All right.

I am proposing the March Madness bet. Oh, boy. Here we go. The famous March Madness bet. Rabih approached me a few years ago. I've told this story probably last year at this time. But Rabih, our good buddy, approached me. And he's like, I figured it out.

I'm like, I can't wait. What did you figure out? And in Vegas, he bet the over on March Madness. And then he had it's not even audacity. He had the stupidity to then tell me. Yeah, what they didn't factor in is the kids play with heart. And I'm just looking at him like he's like a four year old just learning something about the world. I'm like, so you don't think that's factored in, huh? You don't think the algorithm and all the odds makers, you don't think Vegas has figured out that the kids in March Madness play with heart and that they might score. I can't even say it with a straight face. He's so dumb. So then I go, you moron. How about this next year? Let's take the middleman out. So you don't pay a VIG year let's take the middleman out so you don't pay a vig and let's just bet each other and then we get to keep all the money and vegas doesn't get a cut he's like fine you're gonna take every under which is right up my alley and i'll take every over i'm like

great how much do we bet a game and he goes a hundred dollars i'm like what and so i think there's how many games chris if you could look that up and put it under this sports heading but like over a hundred right no no no no I think it's like 57 or 53 or 47 something like that right so the line is so good that it usually comes down to at the end someone owing two or three hundred dollars to the other person. But let me tell you, it's two weeks of a thrill ride where you are screaming like I'm like an old coach screaming about fundamentals. Because what happens is you're going to make the under and the game's a blowout. And then he puts in the scrubs, both sides do. And that scrub launches threes, which he is not supposed to do.

But what else is he going to talk about when he runs a car dealership in his small town? He drained a three in March Madness. 67 games are played. So you could lose $6,700 in theory. In theory. So the first year, Rabih goes, and you know Rabih well, he goes, all right, but listen, fuckface, we're not friends. He goes, so it's not going to be like, oh, I owe you 500. Why don't I take you to a steak dinner? No. Otherwise, I'll just bet with Vegas. So we pay each other. So year one, I won $1,100 off Rabih. And so I go, hey, you want to just do a steak dinner? He's like, fuck you, asshole. hundred dollars off Ruby. And so I go, Hey, you want to just do a steak dinner? He's like, fuck you, asshole. He texted back. Fuck you, asshole. The next test text was,

I have to pay you a hundred dollars at a time. So Stephanie doesn't know his wife. So for 11 weeks, he gave me a hundred dollars, but then he, but then he goes, we are playing this every year. Wait, so you had the over and he had the under? I had the under. Oh, you had the under. And he had the over. Okay, yeah. And I told the story about going into this very gay bar in New Orleans

because I was down there for Tom Kelly's. Anyway, and I asked them to turn the TV on, and I got them so involved. And they, too, were screaming at the screen because it was this unbelievable. It was like the most, it was second of all time or the most points scored with 60 seconds left. Here's the problem.

It was over 20 points. I have no interest in college basketball. The only time I watched college hoops was when I was a teenager and it was Patrick Ewing was playing for Georgetown and Chris Mullen was playing for St. John's. And my dad was a huge St. John's fan. Oh, Syracuse was a big one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and we used to watch those games, and that's literally the only, like, three-year period I ever watched basketball in my life. All right, you will freak out during games. You will be watching everything on the edge of your seat, and then 10 minutes later, you will not even remember the two

teams that played, but you will remember if it was an over or an under. All right. So in this scenario, who gets the over and who gets the under? I'm going under, of course. So you just told me that you won $1,100 going under. Then he won like $500. Then one year, I think more than one year, it was, I think maybe even two years ago, it was exactly $100 was owed, which is the minimum. That's how accurate they are. Wow. That's insane.

You think it's fixed? No, but this is what you got to root for. Listen, I've had so many won, and I'm counting my money and then it goes to overtime. And I'm telling you, it goes to overtime 20 points under the under, and I still lose. Wow. Uh, now one way to do it, we did this one year is we teamed up. Like I would take Malloy and you would take Denman. And so you're going to split the cost. So it's 50 bucks a game, but you're on team over and I'm on team under. It's,

it's thrilling dude to watch it like that. Well, Denman just put up some stats and he said, since betting lines were released for NCAA tournaments, uh, by the way, uh, there's 67 games,

uh, in 1985 underdogs in March madness. Odds have covered 44% of the time, winning outright 29% of the time. Games have gone under the total in 56% of games. I never saw that. They're unbelievably accurate. It's uncanny.

So 56% of the time, the under wins. But, dude, there are games where, like, in the second quarter, you know you won, you're over. It's, you know what I mean? And as Norm MacDonald used to tell me, the over-under and his lightning bet's the craziest bet ever, and Artie would talk about that because he would drag Artie in on it. Norm would do over-unders for every game, like every NBA game in a night, which is

I don't know, 11 games or something. And there's a bet called Lightning where he would bet $1,000 a point. So if you took the under, you got $1,000 for every point it was under, but

you had to pay $1,000 for every point it was over. Jesus. So you could lose $1,000 for every point it was over. Jesus. So you could lose $25,000. Oh, my God. And the over, I think when it goes over, it's more over. That's an interesting stat than under because unders can't be that under, but some can. But I think statistically, there's going to be bigger over margins than under margins.

But anyway. We went to a good game this week. Who do we see play? The Clippers, man. No, who did they play, though? The Clippers played the New York Knickerbockers. Oh, the Knicks, that's right. And the Knicks were coming off a nine-game losing streak and somehow beat us by 30 fucking points.

Beat us? What the fuck are you talking about? I like the Clippers. Over the New York Knicks? I know. I just don't see them enough. I have a friend who gives me tickets to Clippers games, so I've become a Clippers fan.

Jesus, who are you, Billy Crystal? Yeah. Oh, did he switch? Oh, he switched to L.A., yeah. He's no famous Clippers. He and Laverne, you know, what's her name? Penny Marshall? Yeah, they were big.

They were loyal. They were there a lot. So Chris wrote, Mike, is it to cover or win? No, it's the over-under. And a tie put. There's never a tie. There's never a tie. Oh, no, there is a tie.

Sorry. On the over-under, there can be a tie, and it's a push. Okay. Very, very rarely do they nail it on the nose. All right. Let's get to, do you want to do business business or should we go straight to this day in history? Well, my one little dumb business joke was gas prices are so high, the Freedom Convoy truckers are stuck in D.C. and can't get home.

Sorry, morons. Is that going to be in your 60-second set that I'm reading on stage? I don't know what I'm doing with that. 60 seconds. You have to promise not to open the envelope until you're on stage. Okay. Fair enough. And you have to set it up well.

Maybe I'll write the setup on the envelope. All right. This day in history. 1942, March 13th, the U.S. Army launches K-9 Corps. They started training dogs for the newly established war dog program. Well over a million dogs served on both sides during World War I. Can you believe that shit? served on both sides during World War I.

Can you believe that shit? Carrying messages along the complex network of trenches and providing some measure of psychological comfort to the soldiers. The most famous dog to emerge from the war was Rin Tin Tin. Oh, yeah. An abandoned puppy of German war dogs found in France in 1918, taken to the U.S., where he made his film debut in the 1922 silent film The Man from Hell's River.

As the first bona fide animal movie star, Rin Tin Tin made the little-known German shepherd breed famous across the country. Isn't that crazy? Rin Tin Tin. It's the least German name. What's up with the name? Well, I don't think that was a german name all right no it's not obviously um so they trained them for 8 to 12 weeks and then they were sent through specialized

programs and they worked as sentry scout or patrol dogs mind detecting dogs in active duty scout dogs proved especially essential by alerting patrols to the approach of the enemy and preventing surprise attacks. Okay. I mean, it's staring you right in the face. You've got to send your dogs to Ukraine. Are you kidding me? I will strap a bomb to Brule's back and ship him over there right now. Imagine, first of all, it would disorient the enemy. They would just see this dog with a bomb as big as itself strapped to its back,

just aimlessly wandering the field, not even making much progress, bumping into things. Yeah, yeah. And then he would pee on all the ammunition. He would take a shit on somebody's gun. Okay, when we were going to the Clippers game, I came over to get you. I came in your house.

Oh, God, this is embarrassing. There were no less than 11 pee-pee pads. And it's not that big of an entryway. And it was like, why not just isn't there a like a carpet the size of a carpet roll, a pee pee pad that big? Like, can you get an eight by 10? Because you had it was like hopscotch in there. Yeah, it's literally. And if we leave one part of the carpet uncovered, that's where the dog will piss. And so we bought an outdoor carpet because it gets pissed on so much. And then we carry the outdoor carpet outside.

We hose it down. We clean it. We let it dry in the sun, which means the couch and two chairs and two tables sit on the carpet. All that has to be moved so we can roll it up and carry it outside we put it back we carry the couch back on we carry the heavy coffee table back on we put the chairs back on three hours later the dog pisses on the carpet again throw a diaper on that bitch yeah and then what happens then she pisses on herself and the piss gets all over her back and ass because it's a wet fucking diaper there's no solution there's a solution there is a solution yes yeah uh ukraine all right let's do

some uh letters to the editor all right here we go with that little paper crinkle all right um all right we did enough disney so we'll skip that one um thought of you guys when i recently read an article about some of the biggest legends in folk rock music selling their entire catalogs for hundreds of millions including very surprising names like Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon, and David Bowie. Kind of made me sad. Like, this is exactly what these people spent their entire careers singing against.

It's like their final statement in that regard is, well, fuck it, money wins. It is weird, isn't it? You know, because they talk about, like, the song Born in the USA will end up sold for millions to promote some pseudo patriotic agenda when that's not even what the... I love when they use it at political rallies. Born in the USA is fucking... It's attacking the US.

It absolutely is. The deplorable way we treat our soldiers when they come home. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's try to play devil's advocate. I think a lot of the artists, David Bowie was the first to do it. I think a lot of the artists say, this doesn't make much of a difference to me. In other words, someone is saying,

so your songs are a business. It's a big basket. It's a big basket of products that are sold all the time, to movies, to commercials, to whatever, and to radio stations and to playlists and to Spotify and to all of that stuff. So that's happening. So that's already happening. And then someone comes along and says, Hey, I'll buy your basket of products and the same thing's going to happen,

but I'm going to give you more money because I'm also going to own it after you die, because that's these, this basket of products is still going to do the same thing after you're dead. But I'm going to front you the money. I guess it's like a reverse mortgage. I don't even know if that's true. Well, I guess the difference is you don't have creative control any longer. Like I remember there was an ad for- I wonder if you can carve out a little bit of that.

I don't know if it was Allstate, but it was for an insurance company, and they were showing a guy on a motorcycle, and it was an ad for motorcycle insurance, and they were playing a fucking Allman Brothers song. Oh, yeah. Meanwhile, two Allman Brothers died on motorcycles. Was it two? Yeah.

I think it was two. One, definitely, but i think a second guy either died or got horribly injured on a motorcycle yeah um no it's terrible uh yeah you're not going to see leonard skinner advertising united airlines um yeah i uh well they lose artistic control when they die and their stuff is still going, you know, but I guess the argument would be it would be in the family. But that doesn't always go well. Look at Tom Petty. There's already been multiple lawsuits among his daughters. No, that's exactly right. His surviving spouse. Right. And and even between two of the daughters i think so i don't

know no and there was like 30 years where the jimmy hendrix estate was in such disarray and there was so much fighting they had fucking as we know now they had like tons of great material that didn't come out because they were fighting oh and then they finally got it together so yeah that makes sense kind of consolidate the money and you can hand it down in a proper way and hopefully you give it to a company that you believe will nurture it and not abuse it. In a weird way, you actually have more control over one thing and this isn't a joke, but it's like,

all right, I just like, I think Bowie's was like 50 million, which was extraordinarily high at the time. You're like, what? But then you control your estate. You know what I mean? Like you control like, hey, my daughters, my sons, my ex, you know, or my widower, my widow or widower. Like, here's your all your money. And there's no there's no room for debate or anything.

Right. Here it is. It's straightforward. Right. Here it is. It's straightforward. Right. By the way, speaking of big estates, I watched that movie House of Gucci. Yeah. Did you see that? I did a lot.

I saw it over Christmas. I thought it was really good. I really liked it. What Jared Leto, I mean, so so amazing so i first of all no one told me it was jared leto until after the movie oh wow and if you'd given me a thousand guesses i would not have guessed jared leto so the woman who paid to have him killed She's out of prison now and getting money. 1.5 million a year plus when she got out, we're talking about Gucci's wife. She also collected 20 million because that was the money she was owed while she was incarcerated.

Would that have happened in America? Is that an Italian Italian law I don't even know how that's you can't kill someone triggering an inheritance and get that money that does seem strange and maybe that's not exactly the terms but crazy um I didn't do an obituary this week oh good I don't I just didn't, nobody died that struck my fancy. Sorry, dead people. You didn't really step up this week. Did anyone die this week? I think an old actor from like some, oh, maybe it was, yeah, like from Alpha or one of those old sitcoms, but I don't even know the guy's name. I'm surprised every week. I think there's going to be people. Are we on to the funnies? Wait, I'm just looking

now. No, nobody died. Nobody really died. No one really died. Mindy's dad on Mork and Mindy. I mean, does that mean... That's who I was thinking of. And he was also in other shows also. I remember

that guy. He was a character actor, the bald guy. Oh, wait. Tamar Braxton died today, Tony Braxton's sister. How? She's probably in her 50s. No, her 60s? 50s, I would think. I mean, I'm pretending I've heard of this person, but 50 years old?

50 years old. Cancer. Cancer. Shit. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family, but not our jokes. I did not kill. Too soon. Too soon.

I did not kill Tamar Braxton. If she dies, it had nothing to do with me. All right, let's do some funnies. We have to cheer up after this horrible news. Poor Tamar. All right, so let's start with the lock horns leroy is standing on the scale day leroy's on the scale and loretta uh bends over and she looks at the numbers and she goes it says to be continued and then he gets i thought it was going to be you know the one one

at a time. You know, there's a lot of jokes like that, Red. Yeah. And now she's standing in front of the car. It's got a giant dent in the side, and he said, when you took driver's ed, was it a crash course? Wah, wah, wah. So I told you once when I was married, Liz,

there was a little fender bender and uh i should not have done this she's like i got in a little fender bender and i said let me guess should not have done that and i go you're back right fender and she's like yes and i'm like and it sounds like a curb your enthusiasm i said i'm like yeah you're a slow turner turner. When you make the right into a parking lot, it's like one of those people that stops when they get to the bottom of Neskiler. You're like, oh, look at this whole world of choices I have. Forgetting your ass is hanging out in traffic.

Yeah, right. And that's exactly what happened. Wow. Yeah. In the next one, Leroy is on the train. He's commuting and he's sitting next to a guy, which is weird because in other scenes he's driving to work. And he says, Loretta's been leaving travel brochures around the house,

so I got the hint. I bought her a magazine rack. He's good. And now, by the way, we got to get her on the show. I reached out and I got in touch with, what's her name? Hest or something? Anyway, we're going to get her on. In the world of Hager the Horrible, Hager and Helda are driving along on a mule-driven cart.

And Loretta says, I should offer that woman a ride. And they look down, and here's this woman in a purple dress, huge breasts, cleavage, lipstick. And he goes, why not? We can all squeeze together. He's smiling, thinking that he's going to rape her. And then in the end, he's sitting in the back of the cart

while the two ladies drive up front, happily unmolested. Oh, man. Hager. Hager. I think he's going to take care of both of them when they get to the next stop. Yep. That reminds me. It's that very old, old-timey joke of the second time bringing up Amish.

But the Amish guy gets married, and it's an arranged marriage. And they're in the wagon now with the horses, uh, riding home. And she's like, so, uh, tell me about yourself. And all of a sudden, uh, as he's about to tell, like the horse stumbles a little and he pulls the reins and he goes, that's one. And then they're going a little further. It's like, well, I grew up here. Horse stumbles again, falters. He stops it, and he goes, that's two. And he goes, and that's three. And he gets out, gets this giant stick that's like two by four from the back of the cart, goes up and just smashes,

just horrifically smashes the horse over the head, beats the horse to a pulp, gets back in. The dazed horse tries to continue on. And he's like, where were we? And she's like, what the fuck was that? And he pulls the reins and looks at her and goes, that's one. Yeah. Oh, God.

Oh. Yeah. So there's that. All right, let's lighten the mood with a little dose of zero humor whatsoever. This is Family Circus. We have the old grandma, and they're going through a box of photos, it looks like. And she has the little redheaded shitty kid in his yellow pajamas there, and then the other blonde kid.

And the blonde kid, I guess is the one talking, even though both kids have their pie holes opened. And he's like, these are funny. Grandma funny is in all caps. I doubt that these are funny. Grandma.

I like looking at pictures of daddy when he was little. What? Honestly, what? Honestly. What? Honestly. Like, okay, there's a lot of bad humor, and then I make fun of them for making no attempted humor. So I'm too tired to even try to be funny about this.

What? That is insane. What's he even shooting for? These are funny, Graham. I'm literally trying to decode it. I like looking at pictures of Daddy when he was little. It's like going into Warner Brothers Records with a guitar and saying, I got a new song for you guys.

I want you to hear me out. And they say, okay, here's your audition. Go ahead. And then he speaks the lyrics to a song without playing any music or singing it in any way. He tells a story. Now I'm confused by your take on this and the cartoon. I like looking at pictures of daddy when he was little.

I mean, is it that he's not little? Is it that he doesn't know the word younger? I don't know. I don't know. He's a funny grandma. I give up. And the grandma has no eyes. I give up.

And the grandma has no eyes. Because I don't think Jeff Keen could even bring himself to put a facial expression on that woman when the kid said that after putting funny in capital letters. He couldn't even draw a fake smile on a face after that punchline. Also, that grandma is a dude. Yeah. Look at that. Yep. Look at the shoulders.

Look at the man hand. Yeah. I think that maybe it's the dad dressed up like the grandma. Oh, that's what the joke is. And the kids are morons. All right. All right. All right.

Let's get to Blondie. And now she's coming home, and she's got this partner in her catering company, and I've got to tell you something. Blondie is the hottest chick who's ever been animated. This girl is number two. She has a rack that rivals Blondie's, but she's got dark hair, and she wears dark lipstick, and she's got the same calves,

the defined calf with the knee-length skirt. And they're walking up to the front door outside of Blondie's house. And she says, it's frustrating. Lately, Herb's been bringing his work home to finish at night. Does Dagwood do that? Now they open the door and they walk inside. And Fuckface is upside down on a chair in front of a computer. And she goes, yeah, but he puts his own twist on it.

Yeah. The twist of a fucking lazy, unaccomplished. I mean, how how embarrassing and humiliating for Blondie to present that as her husband when she walks in the door with her partner? Humiliating for Blondie to present that as her husband when she walks in the door with her partner. It's a little over the top. I mean, he's literally upside down on a chair with his knees. I don't even know what's going on there. Yeah. He was killed.

Maybe you should be happy. It looks like he was killed. I think he ate three bagels instead of the two bagels we ate. And he just went down. Look at their matching. Have you not talked about their matching outfits? Describe them, if you will. I mean, I'm going to oversimplify and call that a purple top with a black skirt with identical pink shoes. Yeah.

I guess purple. But it's intentionally matched. I'm not saying they're matched. Yeah. It's like they were like, let's wear the same outfit. Well, yeah, they have a catering company. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah have a catering company. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They cater. They cater events together. So you think that's what they did? I think that they catered a party and they wore matching outfits. Yeah. All right. That's a good explanation. And they are going to get hired on a lot of events if they look like that.

Somehow they were not picked up that night, even though they were dressed like that. Right. Amazing. Yeah. All right. Listen, we've talked about a lot in the last two hours and eight minutes. Oh, man, did we. We want to remind you guys, go to check out and support our sponsors. If you want to keep the show going, visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500-500. Enjoy some Audible. And also, don't forget the St. Patrick's Day show this Thursday in Hollywood. Tickets at fitsdog.com. Mike, what do you want to promote this week? Rosie's Bagels.

There you go. Go get them. With an S. Yeah, go get them is right. Thanks to Midcoast Media for doing a fine job. Key and Chris and Beth and all the folks in St. Louis. Spring is coming. Don't worry, kids. You'll be OK. Hey, did we talk about did you see Ross Broccoli? I did. We didn't talk about that, did we? No, I don't think we did. I did a show in Omaha, and he lives in Lincoln, so he came out, and he was so fucking good. Should we talk about it next week?

Yeah, let's talk about it next week. Let's put Ross Broccoli at the top of the document next week and talk about him. It's worth it. No one's still listening to this at this point, I don't think. Yeah, everyone's gone. Hopefully. I'm gone. Take Yeah, everyone's gone. Hopefully. I'm gone. Take it, Ish!

Take it, Ish! Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Extra! News is time over. News is time over.

Life-giving closet time. News is time over. News is time over. Life gives us closet time. News is time over. News is time over. Greg skips the vaccine lines. News is time over. News is time over. It's only paper time.