Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 106 3/20/22

Episode Date: March 20, 2022

Mike rests up after the St Paddy’s Day Parade in NYC and we discuss Danny Thomas, Pete Davidson in space, Bono’s poem, a homeless guy in FL enjoying himself a little too much in a Starbucks and how we can’t find a 3rd contestant for "Gubbins Bachelor”  Make sure to follow Dennis Gubbins on IG @dgubs

Read all about it. To win. To move. Read all about it. And clapping in in five. And here's my clap. Three, two, one. That was a lame clap, but that was it.

All right. You're going to start screaming in Los Angeles, California. Read all about it. L.A. Times, New York Times coming together, bringing you the top stories. How is St. Patrick's Day? What's going on in the Ukraine? Kim and Kanye, who's this kid? Wait, what was just said?

It was a lot. I'm the paper boy who, who like really takes the time to read the paper before he stands on the corner screaming he you know scream and read all about it all right for any youtube watchers if we're freezing this week although you freeze in your office there but it might be my fault this week because i'm in a hotel all right tell me about the hotel you're in all right you ready? I'll try to not unplug things. I'm going to turn this around and I have a great New York view.

Oh, look at that. That's out on Broadway. Water towers. It's all about looking at water towers. All about the water towers. On roof decks. You know, that was a big thing on the waterfront. The

Ili Kazan, I believe. But a lot of the rooftops had, and he did purposely, the antennas because he was a Christ figure. You know, what's Brando? So anyway, all about New York rooftops. I'm on 75 and Broadway.

But the rooftop, the thing about water, the water tanks So anyway, all about New York rooftops. I'm on 75 and Broadway. But the thing about water, the water tanks are only on buildings that are something like five or six stories or taller, because back when they built these buildings at the turn of the century, they couldn't push water up more than five floors. So they had to start building water tanks on the roof. Interesting. I did not even tanks on the roof. Interesting. I did not even know that. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess they're still being used?

I don't know if they still use them. Maybe they just didn't bother taking them down. I have a question. How does the water get in the water tank? Helicopters. Oh, right. I should have thought of that, especially back then at the turn of the century. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. The pre-war and all that. So, and you know what's, Fairway is right across the street. Oh, my God. That's the best supermarket in the world. Best supermarket in the world. It's incredible. And if you want your frozen foods, you have to walk into a giant frozen. Is it still have the big frozen food locker?

I don't know. I just ran across the street to get beer and wine for us. Yeah. Or beer and truly. Yeah. Is that what the girls are drinking? I had to write a passage. So. So I'm in New York City because it came in. My dad is a big irish guy and so anyway we marched in the saint patrick's day parade on thursday it was pretty amazing first parade in two years and it's like their stat i guess it's the biggest parade in the world or something like

that anyway it also has to be the most boring parade you like we would see these families dragging their kids to watch us and first of all it, it's like, uh, I'm not talented. Like none of us in this group are talented and we are not a spectacle. We're not holding a giant Snoopy float. Like I can't. And I remember the pain of being dragged to the St. Patrick's day parade when I was little. Yeah. But it was a lot more colorful and fun when we were younger,

it's gotten almost morbid. little. Yeah, but it was a lot more colorful and fun when we were younger. It's gotten almost morbid. It's like it's almost quiet now. Because no one's having fun. Yeah, because there's no drinking in the streets. It's not allowed. But it's just bloated white people. No floats, just bloated white people marching up Fifth Avenue. Yeah.

And then there's bands. I will give it out. So there are bands when we were waiting on East 44th, like a half a block off fifth, there was a band and I saw it was Easton high school. I just caught a quick glimpse. So I don't know if they're talking about Pennsylvania. This band rocked like their drum line was like,

everyone was like, whoa, like it was so impressive and i'm not impressed with marching bands i don't know man it sounded pretty it sounded pretty like a pretty contemporary drum beat i have to tell you oh so it was just the drums it wasn't bagpipes and all that no it was there was i don't think there were bagpipes in this marching band it was a high school so it was the horn section and all that tubas all that but while they were waiting in information it was just the drum section going yeah and it was incredibly african and powerful now i can remember as a kid to just you just getting up at the crack of dawn. And then it was just drinking and fighting and throwing up.

And then we would leave the house and things would get bad. There it is. One of my oldest St. Patrick's Day jokes. It is so much more sanitized now. It really is crazy. Yeah. So we're waiting. So then we get out on fifth Avenue. We're marching up. We only get about two or three blocks. We're in the high

forties and all of a sudden it stops and we're stopped forever. We're like, what the fuck? And it was really long. And then all of a sudden we just see everyone turning around and we're like, what is going on? So we turn around and we're one of the last groups. Uh, they like interrupted. I don't know if they interrupted it for traffic. I no idea why but the next group was like two blocks behind us and so we're like what's going on and we're like pretty like you know like joking and we keep turning around because we have to keep turning around to see is it time to face north again so we're joking and laughing i think it was a moment of silence for 9-11 and the whole parade faced down to ground zero. Oh.

To remember. And we're goofing around because we have no idea. How are you supposed to know? I know. So it was really weird. It was really weird. Yeah. So there was that.

So did your dad march with a banner? Did he have a banner on that said, because he was the Grand Marshal a few years ago? Yeah, he wore his whatever they call it, like Miss America. The sash. Or the sash. He had his sash on that says he was Grand Marshal in 2009. So he's in that rarefied club. He's an alumnus.

Wow. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty cool. And so all these cousins, all right, so all the cousins are in. So here's my rite of passage. Cousins are in, and this group of cousins is from England. Because back when my grandfather was, it was during the revolution, early century, early last century, he was on the wrong side kind of in ireland of like we should not take

this like they're what we're giving them northern ireland this is the fucking worst deal ever so when that deal did go through the people that were like he was in jail the people that were very against that it's kind of like time to go so he went to america the other brother went to england and then they had to leave the brother to take care of everybody in this one room, like, you know, hut that they lived in. So anyway, um, the British cousins are here. So we're like, let's go out to a bar. All right.

Olivia's 16. So we're walking down the street and she goes, I'll just borrow. They're like, you'll just borrow one of our IDs. Of course the British, it's like, I don't even know what the drinking age is there is there i don't know has it gone up to 21 in england i don't even know no so it's also by the way in europe there is no drinking age if you're with your family in a restaurant anybody can drink oh wow yeah it sounds like a fits fact i'm wondering there should be a fits fits fact check i think but anyway give think but anyway Fitz fact check I stand behind that 100% so we're

walking up Broadway and we're going to this dive bar and not Dublin house which I wanted to go to but we're going to another one and they're like working on her dialect she's like so you have to be from England it's like right and so just trying to work on so they go in and and the

cousin goes you use my id first okay and then and then you'll pass it to me or whatever so we walk in and the guy's like what he looks out he's like whoa whoa guys guys ids so uh olivia gives the id he looks at it for a while and uh he's like and by the way you're about to think i'm slaughtering a british accent i'm basically doing a good impression of Olivia slaughtering an English accent. So he looks at it a while and goes, I haven't seen one of these before. And he's like, and she's like, I'm from England. And he like gives her a long look.

And then he's like, okay. And hands it back to her. She should have just turned around and walked back to the table, but she pushed it. So she's like, cheers, mate. And then she walked back to the table, but she pushed it. So she's like, cheers, mate. And then she walked back to the table and got served. Yeah. Did she rub

chimney soot on her face and do a little dance? I know, should have. And we took a photo. I'm like, Olivia, this is our first time drinking together in a bar. We got to get a photo of this. And so we did. Wow. That's awesome. What did she drink in the bar? Did she get a a photo of this. And so we did. Wow. That's awesome. What did she drink in the bar? Did she get a Guinness? No, probably some fruity piece of garbage drink. I don't even know. No, no, no, not a Guinness, but there were drunk people in that bar because it was St. Patrick's day night. Yeah. Um, even though it was a Thursday. Yeah. It was,

it was pretty, it was pretty raucous in there And then crazy scene on the way home. So on the way home, the group is really drunk. Right. I'm kind of like a chaperone. And I gave Olivia advice. I was like, hey, you know, just so you know, like this is good advice going forward. Always kind of have one eye open when you're a drunk group going anywhere, because we are putting out a call to anyone that wants to like pray on us like you know you'd like just to take our wallets whatever it is because we are just screaming we are the

easiest target in the world as i'm telling her this a dude is flying up the street with a guy chasing him behind him he's running so fast and drunk and then he goes right by us and smashes i like could feel it he hit the pavement we all went like oh but meanwhile i'm in the middle of this speech so i all of a sudden of course i'm like this is part of it like in other words we're all going to gather around this guy and then we're going to be robbed yeah and because the other guy was chasing him and it turns out not at all they were just shit-faced and the guy chasing him was his friend yeah of course this guy had to have gone to the hospital after like there was no doubt internal bleeding it was it slapped also like i think he smashed his face yeah it was crazy yeah there's a lot of chasing

and running on saint patrick's day and i remember me and my brother got pulled over in Times Square one time. We were chasing each other, and cops pulled us over. They ran after us and stopped us. And we're like, what are we getting? This is after Giuliani came in and New York became unfun. And he told us we couldn't run. I was like, we can't run? There's no running in the city?

What are you, a lifeguard? Yeah, right. Yeah. Is this a slippery pool deck? What the what are you a lifeguard yeah right yeah is this a slippery pool deck what the fuck are you talking yeah right yeah wait so how many how many cousins came in from out of the country two of my direct cousins who were like you know son uh grandsons right of that grandfather that went over there so. And they live up actually by Nottingham. That's what they say when they're out of the country. It's actually, I forget the name of the smaller town right outside of Nottingham. So that's where they're from.

Both of them still live there. And they came over with five kids total, three and two. Nice. Yeah, it was really cool and everybody and then a lot of new york friends also a lot of new york friends weinstein marched in the parade with me nice filmed a lot of stuff brought his son his son cut school to come by and uh yeah it was really fun now when you say cut school am i wrong in remembering that in boston st patrick's day was like a holiday and people didn't go to school and go to work?

Or am I thinking of Boston Marathon Day? Regardless, both of them, I'm sure, are a white holiday in Boston. Yeah. A white-only holiday. Right, right. If you're a black kid in Boston, you are getting written up for cutting school that day. Yeah. They're going to let it slide for McDougal.

A lot of people asked what happened to the Mike Gibbons 60-second routine that he was going to write down and send in and I was going to do on the St. Patrick's Day show at the Improv. It never came in. All right, that's actually funny. So I gave up on it, and I didn't want to do it. I also thought it was a little too egotistic of me. but i do have an open email where i scribble down notes do you want me to read what i wrote do it now all right why not it's in there it would be drafts i guess

you missed a great show by the way i want to hear it that's what we're talking about next uh we're going to talk about it all right okay so this is rough and i didn't even i mean rough doesn't even begin to describe it so and it's probably out of order all right i i was going to write on the outside of the envelope read every word including parentheticals so you would have to read that okay and then you'd open the envelope and so why don't you email it to me and i'll read it right now um okay all right uh wait does this work at all oh i didn't finish. All right. I'm just going to forward it to you. What the fuck? It doesn't make any sense, but I forgot to write up a whole section, which was based on you. All right, hold on. Here we go. Uh, and this is coming to you. Boy, this is thrilling listening, isn't it?

isn't it um and okay you're just gonna read this verbatim it just went out i think oh boy i just heard it go out okay so i'm gonna read it verbatim happy saint patrick's day everybody all right the okay go ahead here we go what a great wow what a great crowd except for that brunette cunt over there parentheses point two brunette cunt i'm kidding greg if you pointed at someone that's on you see i already turned it on you you guys like impressions here's my impression of anderson santino earlier today. Clear his throat. Greg, I'm Italian. Why the fuck am I doing this show? Just because I have red pubes and tons of orange hair coming out of my ass doesn't mean I'm Irish.

There you go. But you were supposed to do an impression of him, but I don't know how you would. Oh. It would have been funny if you said, and you should have listed like De Niro and Jack Lemmon. The next one I was going to write, you doing an impression of you. It was conceptual.

Hi, I'm Greg. My pronouns are him and him because I totally suck at grammar. Solid joke, Greg. Yeah. People ask me all the time, Greg, what's it like being a 54-year-old rageaholic in a 15-year-old trans girl's body? And to that I say, I'm actually 55. That's solid. I forgot I wrote that.

Thank you. Want to hear another impression? Cool, cool. Here's my impression of Greg Fitzsimmons. Clear throat. Should I keep doing the Greg Fitzsimmons impression? Wow, very meta. Very meta.

I think I'm done. I think that was just an extra way of introing it. Then what? What a day. It's about time we get back to celebrating white men. Give it up for white men. Hold fist up like black power symbol. Yeah. Where's

my black set? Parentheses. Pretend there's a black person there. This is good. Why did I quit on this? Thanks for coming to the show, sir. See, he gets it. You had your time, right? Now it's time for white people to be celebrated.

And by people, I mean men men look at the brunette cunt look at the brunette cunt is having none of this i i changed my mind this is gold okay yeah i say you have to point at her again okay i think that's my time Let's get back to the show. Oh, that's a bad ending. Oh, no, no, sorry. There's one more. How about a round of applause for Greg Fitzsimmons? Sorry I couldn't be here, but I... What?

I don't know. Wait. I thought I ended it a different way. Let me go find it. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay gay gay gay gay oh that's still in there that is not a political statement in support of florida that's just how i warm up my voice jesus do you guys see my jokes coming because of the gap in my teeth that's in there yes oh no what can i say about myself that i haven't already said to my hundreds of podcast listeners?

Wait a minute. How long is this? Hi, I'm Greg Fitzsimmons, and I'm a here's the thing about being a 55-year-old rageaholic trapped in a little girl's body. Where's my blacks at? I think these are your notes. Yeah, these are my notes. That was good. You should have sent that that would have killed i know all right god oh no uh read the the last line oh i tried an ending um the last end line actually greg don't read any of this i don't feel good about it except the gay part

that's it but i'm wow santino ended up dropping out because he's filming a show i heard that so uh that was very sad but whitney cummings stepped up and replaced them and she fucking annihilated she was amazing uh i saw on instagram i guess in the comments wherever people loved the show oh and some texts from friends also yeah dickie was there i didn't even realize dickie was there and uh he paid for a ticket paid for a ticket but then got a free pass for his friend. Thank God. So we played golf the next day, and he told me he loved the show. He told me that our plug for Rosie's Bagels paid off. They got a bunch of orders from people. I love that.

Well, I fully believe in it, man. Those bagels will not disappoint. If you live on the west side of L.A., check out Rosie's Bagels. He gives me his business card, and it literally does not have the website on it. No. But it's called Rosie's Bagels. All right. Isn't that weird?

It's probably on there. I'm guessing it's on there. But it was a great show. Jeff Ross killed. Oh, nice. There's a kid I mentor named Jacob Feldman that I've known since he was a kid. And then he went into stand-up comedy. Went to Berkeley. Not Berkeley.

Not Berkeley. Emerson in Boston. And he studied comedy. And he went out and he did stand-up like every night for four years. And then he came back to L.A. a couple years ago. And he's been banging it out in the clubs. But he's never played the improv before so i said look and he's always sending me tapes like hey here's a here's my new tape to try to get work and it's like it's like him in a parking lot in front of nine people and someone's filming it on a flip phone and i'm like dude if you're

gonna get work i go come do the saint patrick's day show hire a crew hire a camera guy i only need one but he actually i think he got two cameras this guy came out and he shot it and it was sold out and uh and he he killed he did great and he really smart funny jokes he has the improv sign behind him. Yep. Yeah, so hopefully that'll get him some work. Not from me. I mean, I'm certainly not going to give him any work. Who took the black and white photographs? Oh, that is Troy, who's the really—

Why am I forgetting Troy's last name? Troy Conrad, who's like— I consider him the best stand-up comic photographer out there. There's another guy who's really good, but he's really amazing. He shoots a lot of stuff in LA. Oh man. Jeff Ross's photo. He should like, that should be on his posters. And, and Owen Smith's were really nice too. Yeah. Yeah. All of them. You, Whitney, like, like, and you know, he has a way of capturing the, you know, really candids, you know, like Whitney was and you know he has a way of capturing the you know really candids you

know like whitney was sitting down i think or kneeling down and talking to the front row or something yeah they were very impressive now that was her joke about fucking her young boyfriend and then her knee goes out and she's stuck on the ground that's good that's good. That's good. Yeah, it was good. And no drunks, no heckling, no one thrown out. It was a very mellow year. Wow. No Dennis Gubbins heckling as the Irish guy from the crowd, which was a, you know, and he wanted to call in from Thailand to be on the show. Oh, man.

But I didn't get his message until later. It would have been funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's having a ball over there. Ladies. You wrote down Uncle John. What does that mean? I don't think I wrote that down.

I think you did. Oh, Uncle John. Aaron's brother is staying with us. Yeah. He's in from South Africa. So he's so funny because he's like a he grew up in New York City but then he's been living in South Africa for like 20 years but he's like the most manly outdoorsy like let's do something kind of guy yeah and I'm fucking exhausted he stayed with us for two days

and he was like we get up in the morning and we'd play paddle tennis and then we'd go to fucking the Palisades and we'd take a monster hike and then he'd get on a bike and take a bike ride up to Patrick's Roadhouse and back and this is all wearing like a pair of sandals. Yeah. And then that night we were in the living room. Gusto. And his son was there with his girlfriend and he took his shoes off and i go

i go did somebody step in shit like i was being serious like i thought someone stepped in shit but it was his fucking disgusting feet after playing paddle tennis and hiking and everything and these sandals with no socks on yeah i don't know how women do it because like uh you know we would know who the jocks were like really like like jocks, like, you know, we'd have his roommates or whatever. And they stunk. Yeah. Like, cause we all deal with this. Even like people who just run two miles a day, like that shirt stinks or, you know, like, or those socks and then the shoes, like you're, you know, you need, it's almost like a mud room. I guess you put them down in the laundry room in the basement. I don't know. But no one has laundry downstairs anymore. Right.

So God bless partners who can live with someone who is sweating all the time and they're and they have been sweat soaked clothes. Yeah. So he and then he met we went to play paddle tennis. We ran into Josh Golden and it turns out they both went to Stuyvesant High School in New York. They both went to Columbia Film School. They had all these mutual friends. So I don't know when you're back, but they're coming over for dinner on Monday night if you want to swing by and say hi. Wow. Yeah, maybe.

I fly back today, which is Sunday. Yeah. So late flight, though. I don't know. Maybe I'll try to go earlier. It's a 6 o'clock flight out of here. What have you been doing in New York besides the parade? It's a lot. My dad was cool enough. He got this

suite in the hotel that has this big outdoor deck. It can literally... 20 of us were sitting down eating out there. it's that big and amazing we're at the hotel beacon right above the beacon theater and um i wanted to go i went down and met i met wine sitting with his family they were going to go see david burn which of course i'm tempted to do again but tonight is sort of a free night and uh hadestown i think it's name of it is everyone tells me that

is the best play and so it's been open a long time i mean it was open before covet and still the cheapest seat is like 225 dollars right now but i'm thinking i'm thinking of going down and i don't know i mean obviously it's too late now for listeners to recommend the best way to get a seat, but I'll keep an eye on StubHub. And especially if someone has one ticket, I know sometimes the box office releases them too. So I might, I think I'd regret if I didn't go down and do that. And then tomorrow, I think we're going to go to the Met. And of course,

all the young kids with us are like, Oh, the Met, you mean where the gala is? Like that's the only way they know yeah i know um it is the most is second most uh trafficked museum in the world behind the louvre i did not know that wow um the the british cousins though they did the natural museum they did the history night you know right here on on the west side i like that was cool i'm glad they got to go in there and it's so funny you know a lot of of course tourists and even new yorkers but like you know across the street they're like oh isn't that single white female building like you know there's everything is oh we're two blocks from the ghostbusters building like you know it's all these it's amazing how you know even in britain that that's

their references you know well you got to get get an ID because the Museum of Natural History used to be free, and now it's free if you live in New York. But if you're outside of New York, you've got to pay for it. Maybe Olivia can talk her way in with a British accent and just say she's a dignitary or something like that. So Sophie's not there. She's in school this week. She stayed in Michigan and is actually unaware of her team. I guess they won an upset

in the first round of March Madness. So this, I guess we'll talk about it in sports. We'll talk about it in sports. This bet is killing me. We have a bet in March Madness. Good, good. I'm glad.

I'm just announcing I started a book club for Antkind, which I want you to join, Mike. It's the Charlie Kaufman book. It's 700 pages. I mean, I can still read sometimes. We've got a ton of people that wanted to be in it. I picked the first 25.

It was going to be 20, but I got so many. I took 25. And we're going to start meeting on, it's gonna be a zoom call and the first one is gonna be on uh oh great a deadline i know and it well it's we're doing 200 pages at a time good joy the first one is gonna be the book is longer than 200 pages yeah it's 700 pages long march 31st is the first one you know my junior year uh you can get on audible though you can listen to it yeah it's like that you didn't have to tell me uh junior year the english professor goes uh like saw like you know i was okay at writing and stuff and better than other things

and so she's like i really want you to be in a honors English or whatever the hell it was, you know, senior year. And I, the only thing I was like, don't you guys read Moby Dick? And she's like, yeah, I'm like, I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't do it. That's that like, what a horrible human being personally invited by the professor who teaches the advanced English. And, no thanks i see how thick and there's no pictures in moby dick yeah you know and a lot of it you can really skim through because a lot of it is like well and the pointer whale has 13 bones in the vertebrae and like you don't need to read all that shit yeah just get me to the metaphor of this white albatross. Somebody should do an abridged version of Moby Dick without all that shit. I'm sure there is.

There's got to be a bridge. Oh, yeah. I'm sure there's funny ones like Moby Dick in three minutes or two minutes that are online or even 10 seconds. The greatest audio book of all time is Moby Dick as read by Burt Reynolds. That's not true. And he does it with a brogue. He does Captain Ahab with a brogue. No, not Captain Ahab. One of the other characters he does is a brogue. It's hysterical. Wow. Yeah. I know so much about it. And I know, you know, he interviewed the guys.

Oh, speaking of that, I meant to bring this up. We are next week week we have to do the story on they found shackleton the boat and this is one of the most amazing survival stories it's up there in like the top 10 like and it was uh the the wreck of the whatever shackleton what's the and it froze it froze in ice and it's this i don't want to ruin. It's the most amazing story of survival. This boat got locked in a trapped in ice and they huge questions of whether to hike, will they make it? And they were starving to death. Anyway, it's a legendary story and they found it, um, down at the bottom of the sea. That's not the one that Melville talked about. Melville was the whale ship Essex. And that was a true story. And he interviewed one of the cabin boys or whatever,

whatever it is, whatever they're called, but one of the survivors. And that's where he got Moby Dick from. Can you imagine the moment, the moment you realize you are frozen in ice in the Arctic. No, no. In a boat. Before next week, that's your assignment. You could, even though Wikipedia is probably a thrilling read about Shackleton. Shackleton. All right.

I'm writing it down. Yeah. A lot of, a lot. I don't know. It's like, it's a weird draw. I'm stereotyping here, but usually it's guys who have read this book and it's super acclaimed. And it's like being on the 405 South and there's a sig alert and the traffic shuts down because of a disabled vehicle in the car. Just like that. Yeah. Yeah. And you have to send out you have to send out a little envoy for food. Yeah, it's exactly like that.

Somebody in honor of St. Patrick's Day sent us a limerick. Jay from the Masters of None podcast. Fitzsimmons and Gibbons had a pal Gubbins on their podcast. They tried to make Gubbins a husband, but Gubbins was wild, threw golf clubs for miles, till he chills his own shaft he'll be rubbing. That was pretty clever. That was clever. I like it. Song this week comes from Peter Hoffman.

Thank you, Peter. Outstanding. Really good song. Logo, Lawrence Tarpey. It's a bunch of guys, a bunch of gunmen. Here's the thing about these gunmen. Isn't it funny how they're always so clean-shaven? They all have perfect shaves.

One of them is James Garner there. You see him in between us. I know. That's great. Wait, sorry, a little back on Shackleton. Appropriately, we're talking about it this week from Ireland. Oh, yeah. Is it Kilkay?

What is that? Kilkenny? Kilkay County, County Kildare. Kildare. In a town called Kilkey or I probably Kilkey. And the name of his, sorry, I think the book that sank was The Discovery, I believe. And that's what they just found, I think. Anyway.

Corrections for last week. This is from Greg Reinheimer, who knows way too much about this. Cleveland steamer is when you shit on someone's chest. A Cincinnati steamer is when you have diarrhea on someone's chest. That can't. I mean, I like the name for Cincinnati, but OK, go ahead. A Pittsburgh platter is when you shit on a glass table with someone underneath it. Now, if I had the choice of the three, give me the glass table. Yeah, get the Pittsburgh platter. Maybe have a little imported beer from La Trobe right nearby.

A little Rolling Rock and enjoy that. And this guy is starting a podcast called the Pittsburgh Platter Podcast. Also, Greg said that Toledo dump is an oxymoron. I think he meant to say that is redundant. Yes. Yeah. It's far from an oxymoron. Yeah. Yeah. There was also another one. Okay, go ahead, maybe you're about to read it. Go ahead. Ryan McClelland says middle aged cis hetero white male here letting you know transsexual is an outdated term. Yeah, I was going to correct you, but I didn't. You kept saying that. LGBTQIA D plus is for transgender or simply trans.

A trans person is referred to as trans man or trans woman. That is their gender expression and not and not synonymous with their sexuality. So a trans man could be attracted to males or females or both or vice versa. I know you have only the best intentions but saying transsexuals this day these days is like saying midget or gypsy ah a little foreshadowing for later in the show i mean that that means i'm going back to it um also we got a lot of emails from people saying the apocryphal glass coffee table story was about dann Thomas, not Danny Kaye. Adam Carolla used to tell a funny story on his podcast about working with Danny Thomas' daughter. And Pamela Adlon blurted out something about the scat urban legend in front of her and feeling terrible about it.

Yeah, because it's St. Jude's and that's Danny Thomas and Marlo, his daughter. There's still it's an unbelievable charity. But that guy's name is soiled with this rumor, I guess. You know, Felicia wrote in to point out the Danny K. Danny Thomas mix up. And she said, I thought you would enjoy this clip from Norm MacDonald live where he said that at SNL 40 taping, he told Jim Carrey about this, and Jim said, that's the kind of guilt that will make you build hospitals. I, Felicia.

Get that? I, not by. That's cool. I didn't watch the clip yet, but I have the link. Lou Sassel says, sharper image is no longer has any retail stores. Your fantasy of enjoying their massage chairs overnight will never be realized. Oh, all right. You know what?

I went to the car wash yesterday on Lincoln. Good start. And they got a massage chair, and it's a fucking nice massage chair. And you put in about $3, and it will last you for pretty much the length of time it takes your car to get washed. Wow. three dollars and it will last you for pretty much the length of time it takes your car to get washed so i go over there and here's this hipster douchebag with three-quarter length pants and like a and an ironic handlebar mustache and he's got a giant chai latte and he's sitting in the chair and he's not using the chair there's chairs. There's sitting chairs all over the place. Just because that's a fucking lazy boy doesn't mean you get to sit in it. You pay or you fucking move.

Did you share this with him? I gave him a lot of evil eyes, but he didn't seem to pick up on it. Oh, my God. He wins. He wins. He won. What a great morning he had. Speaking of that, COVID's coming back strong.

I know. Hong Kong is lit up like a Christmas tree. I know. And the Brits who just now, today's Saturday, went to the airport, they're hearing about it at home. Yeah. Oh, I hope they don't shut down Ireland. We're trying to go to Ireland again this summer.

It's killing me. Three years in a row we're trying to go. Wow. All right. Yeah, a lot of other people wrote in about the transgender thing. Yep. Transvestite. Okay, some comedy dates coming up. I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store on April 8th through the 10th. Spokane Comedy Club, April 14th through 16th. I'll be in New Orleans at the Howlin' Wolf on April 21st.

Lafayette, Louisiana at Club 337 on April 22nd. Plainridge Park Casino on April 23rd. Denver Comedy Works, April 28th through the 30th. Tacoma Comedy Club in May. Also the irvine improv in may so maybe we'll do a live podcast of the irvine improv oh okay that could be fun come down on a saturday we'll do it like a we'll do like a four o'clock podcast have some dinner and then you can do a may 27th through the 29th. Oh, all right. Yeah, let's see.

And then you can do some stand-up on the shows. Oh, boy. I'm just going to have you read those. I'm not going to change that. I'm going to have you read an envelope. That shit was gold. Speaking of May, I know that was gold. No, no, come on.

Speaking of May, spring is almost here, Mike. It's so close you can feel the soft grass under your feet, smell the flowers. But first, you got to get your lawn back. Can I tell you, I've spent a lot of time walking across Central Park, and I'm not done with it because we're going to walk across the museum. It is the most encouraging thing to see the first blooms coming, to see the hints of the grass acting less dormant and dead. And that's exactly what this stuff is about.

It will. But, you know, while you want to grow this lawn, you don't want to be worried about chemicals that are going to, you know, kill your dog or bad for the environment. Yeah. Sunday is different. They they're on a mission to change how people care for their yards. So most of us might not think about our lawns in the winter, but this is the time to prep for the rest of the year. You probably think you got to do a lot of work, but no, Sunday takes all the work out of it for you. My lawn, not a big lawn is a it is an emerald green postage stamp front lawn and uh you know venice beach is not known for lawns it's mostly like as a matter of fact you they're they're trying to make them illegal they're trying to make you get rid of your grass

but um we're holding on if everyone used this they wouldn't have to be illegal because it uses so much less water. It's so efficient. And there's no pesticides or anything. Yeah, I got two dogs that while I don't wish them harm, I will be happy when they finally pass to the other side. But it's not going to be through pesticides on the lawn. I'll tell you that much. So Sunday, the custom plan includes fertilizer with everything you need to easily care for your lawn. Seaweed, iron, molasses, all the good stuff. And all you got to do is

visit Sunday.com, put in your address and their lawn analysis tool does the rest. And then you use soil and climate data to create personal nutrient plan delivered to your door. Just attach the ready-to-use pouch to a garden hose and spray. Takes less than 15 minutes. And Sunday is offering our listeners 20% off. Full season plans start at just $119, and you can get 20% off when you visit getsunday.com slash papers20, the number 20, at checkout.

That's 20% off your custom plan at getsunday.com slash papers20. That's not a lot of money to have a beautiful lawn for the whole season. Do it. It takes all the guesswork out. It makes it easy. Enjoy it.

The other thing you can enjoy is learning a second language. Si, claro. I see that. You probably studied Spanish in school. I studied French in school. And then it just kind of went away. I spent all those years, all those wasted hours as a teenager studying. It's all coming back because now I'm using Babbel to study French all over again.

Yeah, brush up on your French, man. Babbel has sold more than 10 million subscriptions. It's addictive. It's fun. If you're going to travel abroad, it's really nice to brush up and do it in your free time. And it's bite-sized language lessons that you use in the real world. Because I'm doing French, we are going to go to france after we go to ireland this summer and i think i might also be going to montreal so uh i'm

gonna i'm gonna use my french you can do a whole tour offending people that would be fantastic yeah uh 15 minute lessons uh the other apps for use ai for their lesson plans, but Babbel lessons were created by over 100 language experts. Scientifically proven, you can choose from 14 different languages, Spanish, French, Italian, German. Plus, their speech recognition technology helps you to improve your pronunciation and accent. So many ways to learn with Babbel. Videos, stories, live classes. Comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee.

Done. That's Vont Jure money-back guarantee. Mm, nice. Right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to Babbel.com and use promo code PAPERS. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com, code PAPERS. Babbel, language for life. Do it.

Mike, do you identify as crypto curious? That is, and I think that's on the spectra, with all the letters. It's CC. That's what I identify as. Cryptocurious. I am OS, which is overwhelmed and scared about it. Oh, there's no reason to be. Not with Coinbase. They make it easy to buy and sell cryptocurrency. It feels like this exclusive club, but Coinbase believes that everyone everywhere should be able to get in the door. Whether you've been trading for years or just getting started, Coinbase can help. Much coin, such base. If you've been following the cryptocurrency craze, now is the time to start getting involved.

Coinbase makes it quick and easy to start your own portfolio and learn to trade like a pro. But if you've been looking to level up your financial portfolio, it's always good to diversify. Why not think about cryptocurrency? Yeah, the thing is it's intimidating to everybody. And finally, there's kind of like a one-stop thing to get over that. there's kind of like a one-stop thing to get over that. Yeah. I mean, when I think about like losing passcodes and all that stuff, Coinbase makes it really easy to not end up like, you know, 25% of these, if you go straight through without using cryptocurrency, you know, 25% of the money is like lost in there. Right. And this way, you won't lose your money.

Yep, safe and secure. I think cryptocurrency is really interesting, and I'm excited to learn more about it with Coinbase. They make it so easy to check it all out in one place. Yep. The platform is easy to buy, sell, and spend. They support most popular digital currencies in the market and make them accessible to everyone. So whether you're looking to diversify, get started, or search for a better way to access crypto markets, start today.

For a limited time, new users can get $10 in free Bitcoin when you sign up today at coinbase.com slash papers. Sign up at coinbase.com slash papers for $10 and free Bitcoin. This offer is for a limited time only, so be sure to sign up today. That's Coinbase.com slash papers. They're paying you to do it.

Come on. They're paying you. I mean, it's $10 in your pocket. That's three coffees at a Starbucks. I actually have a New York Times that I got on location. This is the hometown newspaper I got right in my hands.

Look at this. Oh, what a depressing front page today. Oh, poor Ukraine. Okay. You ready for the front page? Let's do it. Okay. You ready for the front page? Let's do it. Yes. Extra! Extra!

We all about it! Extra! All right. Florida GOP Representative Joe Harding has been in the news a lot recently as he is the author of HB 1557. Oh, we should make a book club about that. Better known as the Don't Say Gay Bill.

Harding made headlines over the weekends for other reasons. His home in Ocala, Florida was hit by a tornado. Oh, is God angry at him, as the conservatives love to say, when there's natural disasters in gay areas. Yep. House was damaged, but nobody was hurt. He said, we are blessed. It could have been a lot worse.

Could have been a gay tornado. It could have been. If more of my neighbors were gay, it would have been a lot worse with God's wrath. Yeah. would have been a lot worse with god's rap yeah here's what i love is him standing on his driveway half naked holding a lamp and maybe a photo album and as he looks at his damaged house and the tornado moves on there's just a rainbow over the over the top of the roof what's left of the roof will you photoshop that fucking rainbow out of that photo please jesus christ i look like a fairy is that still usable that word i would love it if the tornado

ripped off all his clothes and he was just standing there in in the street wearing a pink speedo and a boy george undershirt there's no way that guy's not gay. This guy? Joe Harding. Harding? He's got hard right in his name. Because gays are hard? They get hard when they see other gays.

We're talking about the males, I guess, in this case. Oh, yeah, that's true. The women don't get hard on us. Wait, I just had a thought about, oh, I had a dumb thought thought a few years ago which was when all the fires were happening in california but insert any natural disaster so you run into the house and you only you can grab one thing it's like one of those philosophical questions right but you have okay you have a really you have a really old dog, right? Beloved. You love it more than anything.

But you also have a photo album that has all the pictures of your dog. Which do you grab? Well, why don't you just grab the dog and take some more pictures of him? Because there's none that are like when he was a puppy, young. Let's say it also like for philip for uh you know the sort of quandary of it all there's also all the video let's say there's a thing you could grab that has all the video like all the photos on your phone which would not be available to you if you did not grab this thing or you grab the old dog who was going to die in the next three months? I mean, you're asking the wrong guy.

That's a perfect answer. That's perfect. By the way, you know what? I'll just go out empty-handed. I don't even need the album. I don't need the phone, the album, or the dogs. Yeah. Get my ass out of there.

All right. I upset a lot of people, and I'm like, I pretended i had a dog and then i had a fire so i upset people on multiple levels but i'm like thank god i grabbed that photo album he had a good run yeah here's what i love about the internet is that this next story nobody would have known about it and now everybody knows about it a teenager who scaled up a tree in indianapolis Park to rescue a cat he spotted got himself stuck and in need of a rescue.

The 17-year-old boy saw the cat and climbed 35 feet in the tree. The teen, identified as Owen, told firefighters he was trying to do a good deed and bring the cat back to safety. Firefighting crews were called to the park and used a rope system to lower the boy to safety two hours later. Oh my God. What teenage boys won't do for pussy.

And then he was immediately sent to a vet and fixed and neutered. Spayed and neutered or whatever the phrase is. I mean, if you're the father and so so the department also released video of this of the rescue which the father immediately downloaded to a hard drive and saved for his son's bachelor party in 10 years you know all the cat just is slowly walking down the tree like what an idiot right right exactly you know why true you know why cats

are in trees because they climbed up the tree like they're gonna climb down the tree you don't need to rescue him they also don't give a shit about you yeah please leave them leave me alone that's like uh one time well two times i saw a girl talking to a guy and it looked like the conversation was not going well and it looked like the guy was hitting on her and she was not happy. So I walked over and and I started talking to the girl to free her from the guy. Yeah. And she looked at me. She goes, hey, I'm talking to this guy. And I left. But then one time it worked i did it to a girl and it worked and i had sex with her in the back seat of my mom's malibu her chevy malibu what so she was violated anyway she was violated anyway and then i got i caught uh venereal disease from her seriously yeah that's

hysterical and it could have been that guy's venereal disease instead of mine it's so funny the scenarios of like how desirable you are like so this girl's on the sidewalk broken leg and i go over to help say can you see listen my leg's broken can i have enough problems can you just leave me alone but you're all alone yeah thank you no i know i'll i'll handle it yeah all right let me read this next story oh by the way i'll be reading all the stories since mike i did not do a lot of what i owe you next week i'm going to load this document with stories airbnb a man visiting florida spent the night in what he thought was an airbnb only to discover the next morning that he had slept in the wrong house.

Paul Drexler, who traveled to Miami to officiate a friend's wedding, said he arrived at 2 a.m., I accidentally got the wrong address in Google Maps, and it was the house next door. Drexler said everything appeared to be in order at the home, which had been left unlocked. The next morning, I get woken up by a knock on on the door i was surprised the guy even knocked on his own door he goes hey can i help you this is my house and i'm like um no this is an airbnb that i rented he goes no this is my house drexler soon discovered his actual airbnb was the home next door

the man was very understanding he was very, but he also charged him for a night and a cleaning fee. This, by the way, if I did know, all these stories for the listener are new to me. I would have put this in the Florida man section because we don't have anything in there. No, I put a Florida man thing in there. Oh, Jesus. Oh, it's a good one. Oh, I don't even know. Okay. I, I put a Florida man thing in there. Oh, Jesus. Oh, it's a good one. Oh, I don't even know. Okay.

I love this guy. This is hysterical. The guy then also got pulled over by the cops while driving his, quote, rental car and rescued the woman who was, quote, his girlfriend. Wait, what is this? Talking about the guy who was slept in the Airbnb. Oh, got it. Got it.

Good one. That was a solid joke. Solid. I didn't put it together. I didn't know what you were talking about. Yeah, I'm a little behind the eight ball out of this stuff. All right, that's good. How was the family or the guy owner not freaked out?

My mom once left a doctor's office, and she got into into her car and she was trying to jam the key in the ignition she couldn't get it in and there was a fucking knock on the window and it was this guy who was pissed yeah she got in the wrong fucking car and because you know it's florida everybody's got the same fucking toyota corolla or whatever yeah and. And he yelled at her. I'm like, she's a little old lady. Don't fucking yell at her. I've walked up to my car and done that, and it's not working. I'm like, oh, is it low on battery? I'm doing the remote, remote.

And then I'm pulling on the handle. I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm so surprised the alarm didn't go off, and it's not my car. I look in, I'm like, that's neat. That looks clean. What is this? Have you ever come up behind a woman that you thought you knew and gave her a hug or worse? No, because I generally don't hug women. I know.

It's been a long time, like 25 years. No, I don't think I've ever. I've, of course, said things. And you and I usually will say something that will try to be funny. So when you try to be funny, it's usually a fairly maybe an inappropriate comment or so. So I've done that plenty of times. And it's not anyone I know. Yeah. I've done that plenty of times and it's not anyone I know.

Yeah. I guess if you really wanted to be a perv, you could go up to a super hot girl from behind and put your arms around her and then have her yell at you and go, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I thought you were my girlfriend. Yes. We know you're a creep. That's like right out of the creeps handbook where you go hold her hand. Speaking of creeps, the launch of jeff bezos owned company's rocket this is the one story i put in here you're not gonna let me read this go ahead you read it snl star pete davidson will no longer fly to space after launch postponed

uh the the rocket originally set for march 23rd is now slated to fly on march 29th set for March 23rd is now slated to fly on March 29th. Blue Origin's 20th flight, this is the announcement, of New Shepard has shifted to Tuesday, March 29th. Pete Davidson is no longer able to join the NS-20 crew on this mission. We will announce the sixth crew member in the coming days. Meanwhile, yeah, I see what you wrote in there now. Go ahead. Well, I just I just think when I think about the history of spaceflight and the one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind that Neil Armstrong said, Pete Davidson, yo, Kim, check this out. Kim, check this out. I just had a vision of like Kanye in the middle of the night trying to fuck up the rocket. Like, wait, whoa, he's not going to be on this?

Wait a minute. Yeah. I already put a little hole in the gas tank. Right. Yeah, Kim needed him that weekend to hold some fucking swag bags she was getting at a premiere. How busy? What do you think Pete Davidson, the honest question, do you think he reconsidered? Because what are you doing that you're not going to go to space and you wanted to go to space? He's doing a sketch about an uncomfortable dinner party because the guy's a frog

a frog i'm just trying to think of an absurd snl premise oh oh i got it i got the character's a frog yeah uh that's a good one i'd write that one in um yeah i mean for a long time i didn't make fun of pete davidson because i was kind of respecting the like don't shit on a fellow comic especially a guy i don't really know but he has put himself in this world to the point where i can't not make fun of him any longer it's also like my girls defend kim you know because they they reference her like that she has a good soul or you know well-intentioned but it's honestly first of all she's a disaster with relationships everyone's pointing to kanye right now wasn't this kim's third marriage already yeah and just such an exit like you have kids do you really

have to and your kid's dad is struggling and you're running around gallivanting with an SNL person that they probably know, you know, because, you know, cause he's a star. It's like, is there any, I mean, some modesty, obviously look who I'm talking about. There's zero, but like, uh, just lay low a little, especially when it comes to them seeing you kissing in public and running around with this new guy yeah never mind who it is there's no boundaries and now she's suddenly acting like she didn't know that her mentally unstable husband would have a bad reaction to this any husband by the way he's just going public with it. But also, it's nothing but drama. Just like, let me, I mean, Pete Davidson will tell you himself.

He's a train wreck. Yeah. Like, it's all it is is drama. Yeah, he's suicidally depressed and he's a drug addict and, you know, and I don't know. I don't want to talk about this. Who fucking cares? I know. Let's have a Kardashian-free podcast.

Too late. Nancy Pelosi has marked St. Patrick's Day by reading aloud a poem by Bono. Can she do anything right? The answer is no. She said, most of us, always, whether we're in Ireland, here, wherever it is, Bono has been a very Irish part of our lives. Oh. Yes. Good Lord.

He's a very Irish part of my life. You know, Ireland has a lot of legendary writers, and I'm going to read from one of them now. Here's the guy from YouTube. Here's the guy who also wrote the lyric. Freedom has a scent like the top of a newborn baby's head. Yeah. You sure that wasn't Joyce? So. Oh, my God. I'm reading what it it was is that really what it is we don't want to read the poem do we no oh it's terrible because dickie this is what dickie said on the golf course he said uh this

is why we lose yeah pelosi reading bono on saint patrick's day is why the democrats lose every move show us more of your like 40 pints of ice cream that are in alphabetical order in Eating Bono on St. Patrick's Day is why the Democrats lose. Every move. Show us more of your like 40 pints of ice cream that are in alphabetical order in your freezer or whatever she did, sharing her hard time through the pandemic. And the poem is about how Zelensky is the new St. Patrick and that Putin and the Russians are the snakes in Ukraine. And it's the hokiest, lamest fucking. I mean, I love you, too. I still listen to you two all the time. But Bono, just shut up. Didn't Bono just say he was embarrassed by his early lyrics and all that

stuff? I think he just gave an interview where he talked about how it's cringeworthy for him looking back, which a lot of writers do. Don't get me wrong. But they usually don't follow it up with this drivel right after saying that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Our good news for Gibbons segment.

I think we're going to have to call it bad. I think we're going to call it bad news for Gibbons. call it bad news for gubbins we have two women that have signed on to do the gubs to hubs contest with dennis gubbins the the bachelor contest and we have solicited we need one more and there is not another woman in america maybe we don't talk well enough about him but who wants to sign on for a lifelong commitment with dennis gubbins ladies have you seen his recent i i i sent him a message i'm like dude will you get these videos and pictures on instagram which his instagram is totally inactive because he's in the middle of the jungle in thailand do you see those videos gorgeous i want to go unbelievable and he pans outside his outdoor shower into this jungle,

and there's all these monkeys, not even just one kind, like multiple types of monkeys out there and everything. And all the monkeys are sitting there staring back at his camera saying, look how hairy that thing is. So, ladies, climb aboard yeah the whole jungle is high just from what's coming out of his bedroom window that's also true um so anyway this this will be the last time we reach out if anybody is so inclined well these ladies were cute we're gonna work why not work with these two it feels like you need three for the contest, doesn't it?

For a real bachelor? I mean, they have like 10. For a foursome? You need three for a foursome. Oh, my God. I just talked to Doug Stanhope. He's going to be on my podcast this week. And he had a five-way with four waitresses.

What? Wait, is he married? No, this was a long time ago. he couldn't get it up. Isn't that like the Twilight Zone episode where there's like a nuclear war and all the guy wants to do is read but his glasses get broken in the

nuclear blast? Well, I think what gives you the confidence to organize and execute the even beginning of a fivesome is probably a lot of alcohol. Yeah. And no doubt in Stan Hope's case. And and that's going to work against you. Yeah, I think that the smart guys drink fake beer and pretend to do shots while everybody else is getting fucked. Or you just slip them aicky like Bill Coggins. I was going to say, another lesson out of the Predator handbook.

You're sharing a little too much. Sharing a little too much. All right, let's share about some entertainment. Oh, here it comes. Two papers. Holy shit, we did a double wrinkle. All right, did we talk about House of Gucci, which I saw last week? I think, but you can keep it short.

It's all about Lito's overacting, right? All right, yeah, it's Leto. Jared Leto was fantastic. I mean, overacting is what? Do Italians overact as human beings? Yes. He's being an Italian. That's true.

Okay, all right, all right. I take it back. I did this joke about how I saw, and it's not. Yes. He's being an Italian. That's true. Okay. All right. All right. I take it back. I did this joke about how I saw, and it's not a joke. It's a true story. I saw an Italian guy in Italy walking down the street, and he had a briefcase in his hand, and he was on his cell phone, and he started getting very heated, and he had to

stop and put his briefcase down so he could pinch his fingers together and shake them up and down while he was talking. That's funny um i also saw i tried to watch pam and tommy i'm sorry that is rude the guy playing tommy sucks ass well a lot of people i've heard are waiting because i guess pam announced she's gonna do her own to tell the real truth yeah so people are gonna wait for that but people are liking it like as a garbage like you know guilty pleasure type thing also i'm a little done on seth rogan at this point i've just i've just seen too much seth rogan that's right. I've just seen too much of him. Right, right. I get that. And then. Oh, I talked about a show

and it is with what's his name? Taiki Waititi. Oh, right. Slaughtering it from what we do in the shadows. Yeah. Oh, which is so funny he was also he

plays black in this thing yeah yeah i am all over that uh megan says you should watch it and i'll listen to your gay charlie kaufman book taika waititi i guess taika taiga taiga waititi um Taiga? Taiga? Taiga with T.T.? All right. All right. Courtney Cox is in the news. And she says that despite 10 seasons she spent on the massively popular series, Cox has reminded the world she doesn't remember much about her time on the show. She said, I should have watched all 10 seasons before i did that friends reunion because i i uh was asked questions and i was like i don't remember being there i don't remember filming so many episodes i think the actresses on the cosby show had the

same experience they're uh hopefully that's we can only hope. Yeah. But it's weird. So she doesn't remember doing 40,000 dick jokes on friends. How maybe it's convenient memory loss. She doesn't remember making one million dollars per episode for the last three seasons of the show. But, you know, my kids watched it. I think they were too young. They caught up with a vengeance from the no media thing. But anyway, so I watched a bit of it with them

when they were doing it. And I did not remember Friends being that like dirty, basically, because I was, of course, watching it next to, you know, grammar school kids. And I was like, watching it next to, you know, grammar school kids. And, uh, and I was like, Oh my God, it's like nonstop sexual innuendo. Nonstop. I just can't watch it because every single character is like two to three steps removed from human behavior. There's no real engagement. There's no real reactions. There's no,

everything they do is a sitcom it's like a put on it's servicing the joke there's no uh it's so fucking unbelievable okay so i saw a movie on the plane i downloaded a movie that many people are saying is the best movie of the year really well i already saw power of the dog which was you know the power of cocaine to keep me up watching that thing um so power of the dog is is vetted as one of the best you know and i liked it i liked it i didn't love it but i liked it i didn't hate it as much as most people did it was also it was gorgeous like you know you're you're getting you're really immersing yourself in that western you know that western look and motif okay i

downloaded uh drive my car okay the japanese show drive my car and spoiler alert yes there's a fender bender in it, which is true. But it doesn't spoil anything. It's a little detail. But it is a long. So here's what I did learn. I really am embarrassingly illiterate when it comes to Chekhov. So I have to now.

That's my goal. That's a resolution. I am going to experience some Chekhov plays this this year no matter what uh so there's that i think they might have had a lot of echoes obviously they talked about uncle vonny is such a giant part of this thing so i think there's a lot of echoes of those themes in the real story but boy is it about a rich family that loses everything? No. It's not. It's about this actor. I'm not kidding. That's the first scene.

It's about an actor and his wife, and then it becomes very like Wild Strawberries. What's his name? You know, from the famous Swedish actor. Wow, I'm so illiterate right now who am i thinking about director of wild strawberries one of the most famous yeah one of the most famous european directors of all time woody allen worshipped him no no no i'll get in a minute god damn it so anyway it's it's like a meditation it's like a real guy taking inventory of his life. I missed a lot.

I must have missed a lot. I didn't hate it. But first of all, it's three hours. Ingmar Bergman? Yes, Ingmar Bergman. It's very, I think it's, I think I can tell you it's like that. It's like a very cerebral, meditative, and I think I missed a lot. Okay. But boy. You make it sound really exciting. very cerebral meditative. And I think I missed a lot. Okay.

But boy, you make it sound really exciting. Do not go into it thinking it's exciting. Do not hugest mistake you can make. But boy, there were a couple of conversations. There were a couple of conversations, which they are two people.

And one of them is telling a story and it was riveting. Like you're like hanging on every word. And it's just subtitled in Japanese? Well, the subtitles, Greg, are in English. I guess you could subtitle in Japanese. That's called closed captioning because the language is Japanese. Thank you for sparing everybody writing a correction. All right.

Let's get to Florida, man. Never seen it. Let's do it. All right. A self-proclaimed homeless male model. Is he proclaiming that he's homeless or proclaiming he's a model? Sounds like the whole package. Was arrested for masturbating in front of people in Starbucks in Miami on Friday. All right.

Blake Rain. Great name. Great name. Was allegedly seen by several witnesses pleasuring himself. Rain wearing a white T-shirt, underpants, or I guess somewhat wearing underpants, and white socks. That's a model. That spells model to me. Clearly unbothered, does the gross deed in front of an American flag.

What does that mean? While looking around at patrons. Well, maybe he's a Republican. Is he an American flag cape? Well, what does that mean? I don't know. It was a detail that we were given in the story. Okay. All right.

i mean i don't know it was a detail that we were given in the story okay all right um demaria said he did it for 10 minutes before this woman was watching 10 minutes before officers finally arrived at that point uh his coffee was still not ready but he uh took off running according to the arrest report i blame starbucks they stopped putting the cream out oh Jesus wow I'm the first time seeing this story but it would be funny how many times they were like Blake Ray Blake, Blake

Blake your coffee and he's just going to town for 10 minutes while his name is being called out I mean look that's me I also love the smell of coffee And he's just going to town for 10 minutes while his name is being called out. I mean, look, that's me. I also love the smell of coffee. I can get carried away. That is 10 minutes.

I mean, 10 minutes there. And this is Florida. There was no Florida guy who just took out his gun and shot him during this time. It's amazing. I know. Maybe because, like, the real manly men in Florida don't go to Starbucks. They go to Dunkin' Donuts. Maybe, yeah.

7-Eleven, I think. All right, let's get to sports. Homeless male model. Sports time. So, all right. Explain to our listeners the bet that we are now engaged in for March Madness. All right. We talked about it last week. Here's the bet. And I told

the backstory of it with Ruby when one year I took the bet. So we are betting, there's 67 games. We are betting $100 a game. I took all the unders, you took all the overs. And it's been basically a bloodbath. It's day one. First of all, we played two play-in games.

So maybe it's 69 games, or maybe that's what got it to 67 anyway both of those were overs which killed me then you out of the gate i think you got an overtime win which would have been double overtime double overtime yeah god damn it and then the was 12 so at the first 18 games 12 overs six unders 600 bucks yeah luckily the second day what what did i write to you guys i don't have the piece oh maybe i have it somewhere here but then the second day i think was 10 overs 10 unders six overs i think and just for people that are completely ignorant about sports the over under is a point it's a number that vegas comes up with with that they predict the combined two scores will be and you bet whether or not the score will be above the number they pick or under the number they pick yep Yep. So day two, I'm confirming.

I got here. 10 unders, 6 overs. So that would make it, yeah, 18 to 16, overs to unders. Thank God we caught up. And then today, first game, overtime. Nice. Sucks. Sucks. I love it.

I love it. And, man, I'll tell you, the other day I came in and I just passed the TV. I'm trying to ignore it because the under is the most miserable bet in sports. You are just rooting for failure, failure, failure. You hate when there's an amazing play or when the kid drains a three, but I am not joking. There was a 40 point lead and the team that was up by 40 points, kid fucking flies right up to the three point line and chucks a three and drains it. And I'm like,

I shouldn't the coach be screaming at him. Like didn't, didn't burn any time off the clock. Like it was like, it was rushed. It was like, they were the losing team. I flipped out.

Well, it's the same mentality that makes you sell the market short over the last 10 years while it goes up and up and up and up. And, you know, you sell everything short in your life. The last three days was terrible. You bet that you find the lowest minimum table and I call you the turtle. Yeah. And, you know, this is your mindset.

I'm not a turtle losing money on this tournament so far. We'll see. I don't know what's going on right now. I'll not a turtle losing money on this tournament so far. We'll see. I don't know what, what's going on right now. I'll check right now. But, uh, the other thing was, um, there was, I took a picture of the screen. I'm like, there's no way this is going to happen. There was 40 seconds left and it was under by 18 points and they scored 15 points in 40 seconds. And there were misses like it's unbelievable how fast you're under can just disappear.

Damn. Yeah. Damn is right. Here's a story in sports. A little bit of a tragedy. The university of the Southwest golf teams, a mix of students from the U S Canada, Mexico,

and Portugal were returning to campus after a tournament. Oh, no. Oh, I heard about this story driving and he killed all of the uh all of the guys and i think he did yell four but i don't think he got i mean i think it's i think forever it's too soon to do that joke never mind the next day or two. Now, why was he driving? Someone in the bar brought this up because, you know, in rural communities, you're allowed to drive, like, certain equipment and tractors at a much earlier age, and even out on the street, like, to get across the street.

No, I looked up the law. You have to be in Texas. You can be 15 to drive. 14, you can be taught to drive. But 13, you cannot drive in any state. And what was he doing? Do we know? He was with a guy who was like 38. And they don't say who the relationship is with the guy.

Okay. is like 38 and they don't say who the relationship is with the guy okay um this goddamn game the second game now is trending over by fucking 12 points nice according to draft kings i'm not giving them a plug anyway um but the story though is this do you see that St. Peter's? Did you see they're upset? No. They were either 16th and beat. I think they were 15th seed and they beat a number two. Wow. Huge.

Kentucky. They beat Kentucky, I think. And I didn't know this. This school is in Jersey City and only has 3000 kids. No shit. They were going ballistic. And people in the the bar here that was really fun to watch i've never even heard of the school either of i um there's this kid that plays on uh i don't know anything about college basketball which is going to make taking that fucking venmo payment for you at the end of this so much more sweet the unders are coming the kids get tight they get tight Greg as the money's on the line I watched uh the Gonzaga game and they've

got this kid who's a freshman who's like seven foot one who passes like Larry Bird he's fucking great wow and he's just but his face he looks like he looks like he's 15 years old. Skinny as a rail. Looks like his thigh bone is going to just snap in half. Imagine how talented that kid is. He's super talented. Yeah. I guess we won't talk about goddamn Tom Brady, but our bet is back on, son.

Bet's back on. It's official. Tom Brady is back. People are like, are you shocked he's back? I'm like, no no i'm shocked he pretended to quit in the first place because it meant he was listening to his wife which tom brady doesn't do oh wow look at this insight i got it okay that's right that's right yeah um it reminded me of streisand that dumb b because uh she famously is like this will be the last time i ever sing in public like no one

will ever see me sing again it was her farewell tour i remember it came to the staples center i believe and i mean people were paying i mean north of ten. I mean, it was the ticket of this, even though I don't get it, an unbelievable icon. And the last, and that was, I think I'm accurate saying this, two tours ago. Yeah. That bitch. She should refund.

That's like, hey, I have this rare coin. There's only one of them left. Do you want to buy it? Oh, my God. What a go twenty thousand dollars oh my god i found another coin it's exactly the same coin so it's really going to devalue in fact the one you have is almost worthless it's oh oh my god i found another one holy i'm just going to keep selling them i think the stones have declared that it's their final tour a number of times, and they keep doing it. But, hey. I don't know if they did that.

Maybe. Maybe there's even one called the Farewell Tour. But I know there was a 50th anniversary one, but I don't know if they ever claimed that. Maybe they did. Well, let's go to science. Let's get blinded. All right. Scientists who have been working on changing an invasive moth's common name,

which included an ethnic slur, have made their decision. Previously known as, can I even say it? Gypsy moth. Yes, you can say gypsy moth. The La Montreya de Spar is now a spongy moth. For the Romani people, an ethnic group originating in northern India that was at the time misidentified as Egyptian, the word gypsy has been offensive, dangerous, and dehumanizing since it first appeared in the 1500s, according to some woman who's a gypsy.

in the 1500s, according to some woman who's a gypsy. I mean, maybe we talk about this next week. I'd like to look up this stuff. So an ethnic group originating in northern India, and they were misidentified as Egyptian. Yeah. I thought the gypsies were just anybody that was kind of migrant. Like, I thought there were Irish gypsies also.

They called them tinkers. But they were also called gypsies. Well, those little gypsy bastards, can I say that? Try to rob me in Rome. I mean, the little kids? Yeah. They have all these tricks. You're smashing their hands out of your, you know,

to get them from not trying to pickpocket you. Oh, Anthony Clark used to have a joke about it. He goes, you know, if you go to Rome, you're going to find gypsies, and what they do is they hand you a baby, and then while you're holding the baby, they rummage through your pockets. So here's a little tip. If someone hands you a baby in Rome,

swat it to the ground. I'd hit these little gypsy bastards with the baby. No, I've heard about this and of course uh the heavyweight champion of the world from ireland is a gypsy really yes i mean did you that's right yeah yeah and did you believe they call him tinklers and tink tinkers, Tyson Fury, and he's from England. Oh, he's from England. Okay. It reminded me of, was it, Brad Pitt played, I'm going to keep saying this word, a gypsy, famously. Yes, yes.

And was it Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, or the next one? I forget what the next one was. Yeah, it was after Lock, Stock, and Smoking Barrels with that director uh guy ritchie guy ritchie yeah but um uh apparently they also go by i think travelers is the uh pc name for them until they find out the origin of travelers and then that's good snatch and then that's going to be insensitive. Yeah. Luckily, I can still say snatch. Following up on a story we did three weeks ago, David Bennett, senior, who's the guy who is a convicted murderer. I don't know if he was a convicted murderer, was he?

Yeah, he spent time in jail for knifing somebody to death. I didn't know they died. OK. in jail for knifing somebody to death. I didn't know they died. Okay. And he accepted a pig heart as a replacement for his own failing one, even though the survival rate is very low. Well, guess who didn't survive? He's

dead. Just like that guy he killed. Did he stab the pig heart in his own chest? That's how he got the pig heart, actually, is he stabbed a pig and he took its heart. Yeah, he's a pretty good amateur doctor. I'm impressed with this guy now. All right.

That was a feel-good story. Good update. All right. Let's do this day in history. All right. Let's do it. In Ripon on March 20th. Why don't I have the year?

1854? 34. In Ripon, Wisconsin, former members of the Whig Party meet to establish a new party to oppose the spread of slavery into the Western territories. The Whig Party,

which was formed in 1834, blah, blah, blah. Soig party which was formed in 1834 blah blah blah uh so so the republican party was formed ah and um i didn't successful introduction of the kansas nebraska bill in 1854 an act that dissolved the term of the missouriise and allowed slave or free status to be decided in the territories by popular sovereignty. The Whigs disintegrated. I thought the Missouri Compromise allowed our producing company to call themselves Midcoast Media, which makes no sense. That is quite a compromise. Yeah, it's not exactly. That's a win for them.

So in 1860, abraham lincoln was elected president he was the first republican elected president um and then um well there's all history of the republicans but it is interesting that they were the uh they were the party of lincoln and now they don't seem to be as supportive of equal rights. Oh, my God. The checklist of also not, you know, states' rights being—I mean, the Republican Party now is just, you know, the exact opposite of so many things Lincoln stood for. Isn't that weird how it morphed like that? I know, and there's all these things, you know, where Lincoln famously said, like, it is the role of the government to help people and protect people.

And all that they're fighting against now. And they say literally the opposite, that that is not the federal government's job. The federal government's job isn't to, like, you know, help us or protect us and all that stuff. And it's like it's written in the Constitution. And meanwhile, the Democrats, who used written in the constitution. And meanwhile, the Democrats who used to be the party of free speech are now the ones trying to censor everything. Come on, can we just get a new party?

We need a new party. I really think that this would be the time a third party could emerge that somehow. I love good socialism. I love good... So I think that's actually, I think that's the only answer. Yeah.

And that private companies own natural resources, I think is the root of most evil in the world other than religion. Interesting. Like that oil is owned by i remember like you know they were talking about privatizing water remember when they privatized the electricity and texas was rooting for the fires in california because of the the profit they'd make and right i just don't think private private companies always need to be regulated because they're the most selfish pigs that will just

burn through this country. Big Bear. I mean, the mountains around L.A. had old forests, had bear, none of it. And they had to be stopped. They need Teddy Roosevelt, by the way, a Republican, had to stop it and regulate and form the park system. They would just have taken all the lumber. That's it. It's private interest. It's explicit in the Constitution that the government is there to control. I mean, look, capitalism is the pursuit of the dollar, which means lowering your costs and growing, constantly growing. And the government has to be there to set regulations. Otherwise, it's unbridled.

And you can't even call them greedy. They are, by definition, what greed is. And there's that famous speech on Wall Street by Michael Douglas where he gives an ode to greed. Yeah. And that's how business looks at it. So it's like you just have to accept that if without the checks and balances, like you said, it is the ultimate evil. my god no yeah whatever i'm sure anyway infuriating people exactly all right we've got a lot of letters to the editor we'll read a few of them right now

uh the um eric weiss writes in now that we're regularly hearing about your incredibly uninteresting Wordle experiences, is it safe to assume you'll soon have, quote, my fantasy football team and bad poker bet segments? We hear you, Eric. Well played. We hear you. I got a four out of six today on Wordle, and it's because I guessed wrong on the third one. Oh, yeah, which is my favorite part of the morning is i spend all week putting

the script together and it's morning of and i can see on the google doc whether or not mike gibbons is actually on the doc maybe putting more than one fucking story in maybe reading the stories i put in and instead on the text chain he's brad he's he's he's bragging about his Wordle score that he just did. I was on the subway which gets amazing. Surprisingly good reception. Every station, your bars, you get multiple bars. It's incredible. It is good. Yeah. We also got a letter from Nikolai G who said Mike recently said quote the left needs to shut the fuck up. Yes. And then went on to talk about Joe Rogan and said, quote, so who else got canceled this week?

This is a false narrative that incredibly sensitive anti-woke crowd has successfully implanted in the culture. It's false because when people say that Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle have been canceled by woke culture, what is really happening is that incredibly successful multimillionaires have had their feelings hurt. The crowd wish the crowd they wish would continue to celebrate them no longer does. Let's remember how this notion started to take hold a few years ago when Jerry Seinfeld was complaining that he could couldn't do his joke about a gay French king on college campuses anymore. He goes on and on and on as people do. campuses anymore he goes on and on and on as people do he's one of the people on the left you should shut the fuck up um no he's got that wrong there was an attempt the left was i had their panties in a bunch about joe rogan there's no denying that i don't understand how you're not seeing it that way some of what you said of course is valid but no the left is just gets all and they want to cancel things and they want to cancel things, and they want to cancel words. Yep.

Now, the inclination to cancel is really, it's not constructive. What's constructive is engaging people in dialogue. You know, obviously, hating on somebody publicly is fine. But when you start to say, I'm going to take away this person's means to make a living because I don't agree with what they say. That's a very slippery, dangerous slope. Or slavery is incredibly unsettling and disturbing and provocative and it's going to trigger people. Oh, so we don't talk about slavery? That would be a solid move. I mean, what are you thinking? Right. Anyway. thinking right anyway um then we got uh i don't want to read that one yeah f that woman i don't even know what letter it is uh and that's all folks all right let's get to obituaries william

hurt was an actor who won an academy award for his performance in Kiss of the Spider Woman, one of the least seen movies to have won an Oscar. Have you seen it? No, and I remember it was a play. Yes. And who was the Latino guy was also in it, right? Yes. Oh, and he died, I think.

Yeah. Right. That's right. And I remember I was dragged to it by my then girlfriend at the time, and I walked out. Anyway, he was great in Body Heat. He was great in Big Chill. He was great in Children of a Lesser God. You know what I loved him in a reason?

I was never a big fan, but I totally recognized that he was, like, good. I kind of, like, just didn't like his type. And then I kind of, like, I never met him. I never even, I never even had him as a guest on a talk show. And, but it was almost like, I think he actually is kind of like this rigid, cold wasp. I somehow got that impression. You know what I mean? Yeah. He grew up. He had a very, I heard him on fresh air last night with Terry Gross. And he was, um, he had a very weird childhood because he grew up in another country. I can't remember where.

And then when he was young. Texas? He came over. He was very poor and then extremely wealthy. He studied at Juilliard. He did a lot of stage work. But you know what he was really good in was that show Goliath. Did you see that? I did. Yeah. Yeah. He really went for it. That's for sure.

I mean, he was incredibly, you know, damaged. He was burned, a burn victim. Right. Yeah. And then when he did Children of Lesser God, he married Marlee Matlin, who later alleged that Hurt had physically and verbally abused her during their relationship. How do you verbally abuse a deaf woman? Wow, all right. Yeah. I know what you're thinking. Obviously, he fingered her, which is gross't know i don't think this is the place to share that it's a safe space it is not safe look at the letters to the editor box

oh wait chris denman and his furious typing skills is writing fingering. He's so fucking slow. He lived in Magadish Magadishu. That's pretentious. That's pretentious. That's all the information you have for us. He goes, it's your internet dick. I think, I think he's right.

All right. Anyway, pretty amazing actor for sure. I remember altered States. I love that. And I love body heat was great um i guess you know what maybe he was really more talented than i than even i realized because i just didn't think he had emotion yet he got the job done you know like that's saying something

like if you can just if you can act with a pretty straight face, like someone's going on there. Yeah. He is. Chris wrote he his other ex accused him of as well. Seems like actors are. There's a lot of domestic violence with actors and athletes. You know, I guess they're passionate people. So two women accused him of domestic violence,

but only one spoke out. Get it? Let's go to the funnies. Let's move on. Yeah. We got some letters about the funnies. She, Tealy, Shea Tealy wrote, Hey, Greg and Mike, huge fans of you both i just listened to the episode where you i think i could i think i can explain the joke from

family service oh please do when the kid said i love seeing pictures of dad when he was little i think he's referring to the size of the physical photo versus the size of the actual human if that's correct that would explain why the kid didn't say younger. That certainly doesn't make the comic any less lazy or unfunny, but at least there was some sort of attempt at a joke here. Ah, wow. She might be right. I wonder what level Shay is operating at to even think of that, but she might be right.

I mean, some people listen to Sunday Papers and then they spend a couple days really going deep into the content, and I appreciate that. Yeah, and all of a sudden they're going to be walking along and they're going to get that only one woman spoke out joke and they're going to be like, you know what? That was pretty solid.

Or they're going to hear my joke that I did about the guy that slept in the neighbor's Airbnb and that you didn't get or listen to? Which one? It was the strongest one. Which one was it? The guy slept in an Airbnb and I said, and then they later, they later. Oh, yes. Yes.

They later picked him up for driving. Rent a car. Rent a car with a girl who was, quote, his girlfriend. Yeah. They might remember that and then unsubscribe. That might be what happens when they meditate on that one. Jeff Falvey wrote in, Love the Sunday Papers podcast.

Every time you read the Hag or the Horrible comic, I'm reminded of a joke that I'm pretty sure Dana Gould came up with. Have you heard about Lars, the closeted gay Viking? Yeah, the other guys could never understand why all he ever did was pillage. That's good. I just did a show with Dana two nights ago. He's getting remarried. Wow.

Yes, he is. Good for him. Yep. Nice. It's been remarried. Wow. Yes, he is. Good for him. Yep. Nice. It's been a while. Well, his wife got remarried. I didn't know that. Yep.

Look at that. All right. So I think he has two kids, right? Three. They have a lot more family now. Yep. Here's a Haggar the the horrible for you people to enjoy hager walks in the front door he's got a bag over his shoulder he's coming from work he's got some

booty he's got a swag bag he said i had a productive day raiding the king's castle how was your day and she goes rough i could use some cheering up hagger then drags a hostage into the house and says you're in luck the hostage is a clown he's like a court jester that's a jester of course yes can you imagine being kidnapped and then told by hagger to entertain his tired wife like i've had shows where i have to take connecting flights that get delayed and then i get picked up to get driven to the gig by the club by the club's fucking bar back who doesn't speak english and his fucking car smells like a tuna fish sandwich and i get there in the green room it's freezing and the opening act is telling me about his one-man show and then i have to go on and i

don't feel funny but this guy that's a whole other level that he's walking into. Yeah. Meanwhile, you're like, just rate me. That would be more efficient. Yeah. Equal amount of pain. Yeah. All right.

Greg has left the microphone. I don't see him anymore. I'm back. I have to plug in my computer because the battery's dying. There we go. Let's do a little family circus. It's terrible. All right.

I mean, this one makes sense, I guess. The grandma, I kind of, I don't mind this one, believe it or not. I read it. I put it in here two seconds before we started the podcast. So the grandmother is looking out the window waving goodbye and the dad is picking up the little brats and inside like we're behind her. We see the unbelievable mess. There's like the suction cup arrows in the wall. There's like the toys in the, in the plant, uh, food all over over the place a bazillion toys scattered on the floor

and the little kid the little shitty kid the blonde is out on the lawn and he's screaming back uh thank you for a very nice time grandma we'll come visit again maybe tomorrow and she you could see in her right hand has a revolver and she's slowly putting six bullets in it and is going to play the shortest game of Russian roulette ever as soon as they leave the lawn. So I liked that one. Now, I think she might be I think it might be a murder suicide. I think she's preparing the gun for the next day. I don't think she feels these humans should live. preparing the gun for the next day i don't think she feels these humans should live i'm not in any way making light of suicide but imagine if a cartoon showed someone who definitely definitely

definitely wanted to get the job done so they're like in a running tub uh they're taped with a gun they're just like there's two backups for when they're hopefully successful the first time you know what i mean like i'm gonna shoot myself shoot myself while hanging myself. If you were going to kill yourself, what would you do? I'd probably just keep reading family circuses all day. I'm thinking. By the way, if you're suffering from depression and having thoughts of suicide, please contact a professional. A hundred percent. Hey, by the way, it's it's uh i guess i'm making a little light of it but i don't mean to anyway the whole family i put it on instagram but the whole family including the british you know we did the tourist thing so we went down to the high line and we were walking

along the high line and uh we come up to um the uh what's the railroad part the the yard there Chelsea by Chelsea Piers yeah basically Chelsea Piers and the yards anyway I'll get a minute and that's where that giant art piece those yeah and it's like brass the stairs and the stairs are in this unbelievable shape and everyone goes up them and it's this you know it's a real attraction and even the british relatives were like oh i've seen so many pictures of this like on social media so we get there and there's and we're walking up and there's a woman sitting in a valet like station and she's valet for this very fancy high-end mall that's there and i'm like oh is it closed and she tried to like spin a positive and she she's like, no, no, you know, you can walk under it. Absolutely go.

You see the stairs there and walk under it. And I'm like, no, but I mean the whole thing, all the stairs, like I don't see. And she's like, yeah, no, it is closed. And so I'm like, uh-huh. And I'm like, and is it closed? Like, is it going to open in like 10 minutes or is it closed for a while? She's like, yeah, it's been closed for a while. And I'm like, what? I already know what it's going on. I'm like, why is that? And she's like, there was some security or safety.

There was some safety issue or something like that. And I just, I couldn't keep asking questions. So I'm like, jumpers. And she's like, yeah. And so it's, yep, it's closed. It's like the Golden Gate Bridge. If you're going to go out, you want to go out with a bang. You want to go to an artistic piece and do it there. All right. That might apply to some people. I think the Golden Gate Bridge people are less selfish because so so many people most of the time no one sees them and they are jumping into an

unbelievable unbelievably cold crazy you know into the bay like and and never to be seen again and often not found this is you are smashing by children yeah families a giant tourist center like you could land on somebody oh you all definitely can yeah but this is what i learned when i was there we had a funny talk about about the word jumpers because the cousins are like wait what is they think jumpers are sweaters yeah right so there was a little bit of that going on. There was a little lost in translation. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but Oh, how terrible. And then when you're around it, looking up at it, you're like, how's that ever going to reopen? Yeah. Especially now that word's gotten out that that's something people do there. Right. Right. So it's terrible.

Yeah. But as you said, Oh my God, if anyone listening ever gets close to thinking about that, please, please, please call for there's so many numbers you can call now. Please do. Just do it. Even if you don't think it'll help. It won't work. Just do it. Yep. Speaking of which, let's go to Blondie. There's a little boy selling baseball cards door to door, which is an interesting thing. He says, and Dagwood's there, check out my customized

baseball cards, Mr. B. I trade them online. Better buy now before I sell out. Dagwood goes, wow, it's even got gum and he puts some gum in his mouth

and now cut to like hours later, he's in bed with Blondie. With just that phrase, I get a little stiff. And she goes, you're still chewing bubble gum? And he's blowing a bubble like a fucking child. He goes, I'm just trying to support Elmo, dear. In his pajamas. Can we take a look? He's got donut pajamas on.

She has on a light green negligee frilly. The strap is off the left shoulder. She looks like a fuck bucket. She is begging. She is so goddamn delicious. Blowing bubbles. It's blowing bubbles. Suck her bubbles, you fucking... I'm not even going to say it.

I'm so sick of this child man being in bed with the... I mean, she is the equivalent of Pamela Anderson. But better. Because she's animated. Oh, kills me. All right.

All right, well, listen, Mike, you wanted to keep it short. It's not as short as you probably would have liked. No, but I thought the relatives were flying out. They got to the airport very early, so I got to do the goodbyes before this. And sorry I was so unprepared. Next week, I'm so unprepared next week. I'm going to load up the document. Fantastic. Um, enjoy the rest of your trip. We'll see you this week. Maybe we'll see you Monday night. Uh, if you want to swing by for a drink, it's going to be, uh, Josh and Rachel and John. And I think, uh, my nephew Rowan and his girlfriend.

And I think my nephew Rowan and his girlfriend. Nice. I want everyone to watch March Madness and just root for Mrs. Just bricks. I want fundamentals. Just when you're up, just run down the clock. When you're up, you got to run. No fouling at the end to catch up. Thank you.

And don't forget sunday.com slash papers 20 to get 20% off. Don't forget to go to babbel.com papers. And don't forget to go to coinbase.com slash papers. Support our sponsors. Support the show. Keep it going. We want to thank, as always, Chris and Key and Beth, all the people in St. Louis. The Missouri Compromise, that gang.

If you need any social media work done, if you need podcasting done, video, they do it all. Midcoast Media. And that'll do it. All right. We'll catch you next week. Perfecto, man. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. They're getting ready to read all about it Sunday papers with Greg and Mike They're getting ready to read all about it Firehead Gals Read all about it Joanne Joe Boo Read all about it