Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 108 4/3/22

Episode Date: April 3, 2022

We better hope Will Smith does not listen to this podcast. Or Caitlyn Jenner or anybody that’s had an abortion. For the rest of you there are some great stories about a man burying a school bus full of children (they lived!) Alec Baldwin and a Brazilian singer who was rushed to the hospital because she held in her farts.

mike's gonna accept i'm gonna accept that uh you can i i'm way behind i haven't even hooked up my Mike's going to accept. I'm going to accept that. I'm way behind. I haven't even hooked up my thing. But you can go ahead. I know you're in a rush, man. I want to respect that. Read all about it!

Check, check. Wait, are you recording on your recorder? I'm recording on my recorder now. Yeah, you go. You just do your thing. Read all about it! Read all about it! recorder i'm recording on my recorder now yeah you go you just do your thing i might just watch this podcast you get your sunday paper today's edition little thin it's going to be a thin one it's not going to make a loud thump on your doorstep as much as a check check check it's going to be a little bit of a um a light thump i missed the beginning what we're

doing a short podcast today let's do it we always say that but i say this time we do it no i gotta be on a flight i have to i i'm gonna be late for my flight and uh and we're recording this on a thursday because i'm flying to chicago to see my darling son, Owen. And then, oh, wait, I got to turn off one of those. That you are admitting you're running late for a flight is alarming. I'm going to briefly tell the flight story. So I always go late. My family always gives me shit. And meanwhile, I've only missed one flight in my life. And it was when I was early. It was that Brody thing. I've told that story. Anyway, you and I are flying out one year and I'm like late guys.

So I leave here and I'm like, boy, I did it again. I really didn't leave a lot of time. I get to your house to pick you like pick me up. And now there's urgency. And I pick you up. And I mean, was I at your house 60 minutes before takeoff? Yeah, about that. Okay. So I get there and Aaron's in the front yard. I'm like, I'm like weird. Like I didn't even want to park.

I wanted to slow the car down and you jump in the car while it's moving. That's how urgent it is. And, um, Aaron's like, uh, yeah, it'll be a few minutes. I'm like, what? She's like, oh yeah, this is, this is it. This is how this happens. I'm like, what? So you then come running towards my car and you're like, I'm waiting there. And you're like, I should drive. And I was like, I was like, okay. So I get in the, and I've basically given up on our flight at this point. You're like, no, there's three key lights. I run.

I'm like, what? So we go, one of the lights is Jefferson and Lincoln, which is a, I mean, I think there's four lanes going. There's eight lanes on North South. And I think there's four lanes East West. I mean, it is a giant intersection. Eight lanes on north-south, and I think there's four lanes east-west. I mean, it is a giant intersection. You barely slow down and just go right through it.

And long story short, we made the flight. I have been the guy. I am just used to pulling my luggage to the airport and hearing my name being called by the gate agent. I'm the last guy to get on the plane. But what I realized, and maybe people can relate to this, you kind of are known for being a type, right? So I'm that type that is a little loose with deadlines. I'm not super tightly wound and anal, I guess you could say about, you know, details and I'm the loose, play it loose guy. And then what happens is you hook up with a looser guy who has less regard for social

norms and being timely and respectful of deadlines and it throws you off. Yeah. Like, don't make me the tightly wound guy. Sorry, I have something in my throat. You're like, I don't like that role. That's not me. But that's exactly what you did. You jettisoned me into the Felix Unger dynamic.

Right. And really what we need is a third friend who's really anal and on time and controlling. Maybe like a Dennis Gubbins. Oh, boy. Although he has some blind spots in terms of his shit together in a way. You know what I mean? Oh, you think Stevie Wonder over there? Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah, you and I both need a guy like, relax. The flight's not for like 63 minutes. Let's just go out to the car and keep it cool. Greg has a way I can just relax in the back seat. So let's get into it. I started my podcast this week with the words, fuck Will Smith. And I feel even more fuck Will Smith now, because then I found out that they tried to throw him out of the Oscars. And he refused. Yeah, that's what security's called. Security's called, this guy refused. Now do the job we pay you for. I wonder how it'll play out. There's rumors that the Academy might be overstating

when they said they requested for him to leave. Oh, okay. So we'll see. Now, as part of you, because I don't want to, like, virtue signal here, I was very angry at Will Smith. I think that couple's one of the most entitled couples in town. And boy, that means earth. And boy, does that say a lot.

I've always had problems with her. Well, do you think when your wife shows up with a gown that has a train on it that's seven feet long that she's trying to project royalty i will also say and this uh may not go well fuck your alopecia excuse seriously when you're sitting in the front row looking like a million dollars proudly showing off your bald head by the way do you know male pattern baldness do you do it's a disease do you you know what it's called? Alopecia. Yes. It's called fucking alopecia. Oh, by the way, great news. I don't want to interject, but, um, good career news for me. I just booked GI Jane too. So I'm pretty excited. Pretty excited. If I could, I'd come over there and slap you in the face for making light of that. Um, and earlier in the broadcast, they made fun of J.K. Simmons and they cut to a shot

saying, oh, my God, COVID, it's really been rough on people. I mean, look at Timothee Chalamet. Yeah. And cut to the punch line, which is a pathetic, old, bald man. Forget that it's a man, human being, an actor sitting there is the punch line. Right, right, right. Or how about Regina Davis frisking men on stage and literally grabbing their asses and reaching between their crotches? How would that have gone over if a guy had done that to a woman? What are you saying?

A lot of them are shaved down there. They have no hair. I don't know how it relates. But I will say, okay, listen. If she has an autoimmune thing that is very serious and alopecia is one of the symptoms of it you know god bless her i would bet everything chris rock didn't know that i kind of think chris rock might have known about the alopecia and then gauge that hey look what's going on there was already a joke against J.K. Simmons and clearly him being bald is one of the bigger parts of it, the visual gag. And like, you know, I've worked on two Oscars and those jokes are in the moment because you don't know, you know, that you don't know that she's going to be in the front.

I mean, I guess you do know she's in the front. You don't know that she could have been wearing a hat. She could have been wearing a wig. You don't know that till she shows up or you see her on the red carpet also you have to know she's there and not at the bathroom or like doing press there's all these things like you really need to know looking out in the wings during the commercial break that the target of your joke is there right and so so i think it was in the moment and i think i think i would bet everything chris didn't know if it's a very serious thing that she's going through. I don't think he knew that. Is alopecia enough? I don't think it's enough to not do the joke. Right. Also, you're comparing her to a fucking gorgeous actress who was bald in a movie, as Chris Rock said on stage.

It was a G.I. Jane joke, for Christ's sake. Which, by the way, not a good joke. A woman who was representing a strong woman. I mean, that role was a very, like, a very woke role, I think. And then Will Infantilus. I mean, like, it was such an insult to women. She can't, trust me, Jada Pinkett Smith can stick up for herself. Right.

And also, if you cared so much about her, why didn't you mention her in your thank you speech? How come you didn't huddle with her during the commercial break? You huddled with fucking Bradley Cooper. Are you kidding me? What's Bradley Cooper saying to him at that moment? Also like, oh my God, I don't know what the whole, it's's a it's a room full of millionaires just awarding themselves yeah it's so crazy there's no moral high ground oh really all the speeches like there's there's uh russia there's never a reason for uh unprovoked aggression and violence like shut up i'll tell you something right now i've seen what's happened i've seen what happened

what's happened on planes since the pandemic with people snapping in the cabin and fucking screaming and it becomes contagious and i'm convinced that this is going to become a trend in comedy clubs where people are going to start getting on stage and assaulting comedians and that is not a stretch i've been attacked on stage i know what it's like Oh I know you have Yeah Oh people Comedians are charged Every weekend In every state Yes

It happens all the time And uh If it happens to me I will tell you I have a microphone In my hand It weighs about Four pounds

And it's got a mesh Fucking metal thing On the end Like a Game of Thrones weapon And it will come down On your The fucking crown Of your nose

If you even take a step towards the fucking stage. You heard it. Fitzsimmons promising to meet violence with violence. Bring it on. So anyway, it's so screwed up. And as my dad then said to me, what an example for kids watching. There's definitely this macho and this toxic thing going where a lot of people like yeah finally something

and then they made it race like stood up the one thing i will say is uh i i am worried about will smith and i and i'm and i'm not saying that as a get out of jail free card in case something happens but he really snapped man like the scariest part to me to tell you the truth was his screaming after and he went and i don't know if i can use this word but he really went street i was gonna say ghetto he really went street um everyone's misquoting him when they quote him including including Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I know, they keep correcting his grammar. And he put on a street accent and he put on street grammar, which was incorrectly saying it. And I think that's very telling. I mean, here's my take on Will Smith.

Will Smith grew up middle class and all that. Had daddy issues. We're going to put those aside. I guess his dad beat his mom. We're going to put those aside. I guess his dad beat his mom. We're going to put that aside. He's a gangly little kid who was the whitest form of rap ever, ever seen and way whiter than vanilla ice, who I think maybe came after him.

But honestly, Will Smith is whiter than vanilla ice. And, um, and so he comes up and he absolutely shit on by the rap and hip hop community comes up. And of course, what does he get the squeakiest clean sitcom ever? And then the weightlifting starts and then the getting roles and almost exclusively, in my opinion, every, almost every role since was either an incredibly strong man, uh, and

usually with guns or fists and that, that has been his road. And so I think then he's easily threatened when he's challenged. Uh, and so I, I don't know, but people, he did go to that race thing. I think a little bit, I might be reading too that race thing, I think, a little bit. I might be reading too much into it, but no, it was absolutely my wife's name out your fucking mouth. This guy has been worth hundreds of millions of dollars for decades. And all of a sudden he's like acting like he's a fucking tough guy. And it's like, you know, look, he'd kick my ass. That's for sure.

But Chris Rock is, you know, legitimately more of a guy who grew up in a tough neighborhood. He went to an all white school, but he was bused there and has lived the black experience much more. And so it's not about a more dominant. It's not about race. And and the thing it's for Chris, the typical thing is like I could tell you as a comedian you know your job is to be the alpha male in the room when you're on stage and that goes for women women have to assume an alpha persona on stage in most clubs in order to be successful now that's not to say there aren't exceptions there's a lot of low- comics that do very well. But when you're talking about going into fucking, you know, tough urban rooms like you got to be you got to be assertive. And when you got bitch slapped on TV, your stock goes down. His tour is about to become a little bit tougher

because he's forced to address this thing and find a way to make people see that he's still the guy that he still should assume the mantle of having a microphone and talking for an hour while you shut up i don't know how many people know this during the commercial break following it chris went to the edge of the stage and extended a hand and now you said that to me but i haven't read that anywhere else i feel like that would have come up there's a photo of it and Denzel's standing in between them and Will is holding Jada's hand and just looking straight ahead and ignoring him. People can look it up. I saw the photo. Really? How else could there be a photo

of Chris on the edge of the stage leaning down like trying to talk? I don't know, but there was also an apology that Chris issued that he didn't issue. Somebody made up a false apology from Chris Rock and put it on social media and people picked up on it. And his publicist had to put out a correction saying that was not from Chris. So it could have been Will Smith in that moment, by the way, after, because Chris then was 100% in control with a world audience and a microphone. Right. And the second time he goes, get my wife's name out of your, out your fucking mouth. And he's like, I will. He's like, he could have said, or you will come up and assault me again. Right. Just that. I'm not even talking about a low blow. Right. He could have crushed Will Smith in that moment.

And you see, like, you see Chris's wheels turning. Because Chris has been heckled. Chris has been through things like this. Yeah. Clearly much lower magnitude. But put on the spot on stage a bazillion times right and you see his wheels turning he was like all right like you literally see him processing pass pass pass pass on every literally said out loud i could and then he trailed yes and that takes a lot of strength

and professionalism he could have said the real the real Muhammad Ali would have knocked me out. Yeah, something like that. It would have crushed. Oh, what's the matter? Your wife can't speak for herself? Like he could have just brought up like, you know, great example or a million things without even low blows. He could have also gotten low blows. Yeah.

Right. So anyway, there's a lot of pressure now, just a little inside baseball. There is tremendous pressure. And I bet a lot of Hollywood is pressuring Chris to play nice right now because they've finished filming Emancipation. This is Will Smith's huge movie next year about a runaway slave, which generally they're thinking can definitely, definitely get him an Oscar nomination. And the hope was back to back Oscars. Yeah. Never mind all the money at stake on this giant.

It's Apple. Yeah. Apple paid tons for this movie Emancipation where Will is going to be beaten and has scars all over his back as a slave. back as a slave. And so I can't even imagine the pressure of Hollywood is putting to set this right and repair Will's image. Well, yeah, that being said, Chris is about to start a nationwide tour where he has to address it. Last night he went on stage for the first time. And again, this is going to, you know, this podcast comes out on Sunday. So you guys all know this. But he did a glancing address of it and just said, I will have material on this. So you know that the thing about Chris Rock is he has writers. And as you and I know, they are some of the best writers in the business. Chuck Scar, Frank Sebastiano, Tom Agna.

And he once said that a lot of black artists get famous and they buy bling i buy writers he has material he treats them so well and with such respect they all have rolex watches with his name engraved on the back of them and he very he's very loyal to those yeah and i saw neil brennan out last night he was doing a lot of, suspiciously, a lot of Chris Rock material about the event. So I wonder if maybe he's feeding him some material as well. Yeah. Well, as we know, Neil's an expert on black culture. He is.

He is. Honorary member, I guess. All right. Let's pivot. Let's pivot. Okay. What are we doing? My birthday's this week.

Oh, man. It's in two days. What a downer. Pivot. Okay. What are we doing? My birthday's this week. Oh, man. It's in two days. What a downer. Pivot. Because we're pretending it's Sunday right now? Yeah. Okay. April 5th.

Have you thought about a gift? I always reach out. You never reach out. No, dude. I've been trying like crazy to get you a gift, but maroon is sold out in every form of clothing. I bought it all. I bought it all already.

I like your blue. You look good in blue, by the way. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah, they say you should. Meanwhile, look at me. I'm in Laker Pride purple. I don't even know. What is this, lilac?

It's laundry day. It's laundry day. Yeah, well, it's not like you don't have clothes at your disposal six inches behind you in every direction. I can go with white. I can go with plaid. I can go with. Oh, I could go with coral. Oh, is that for when you visit your dad in Florida? Believe it or not, I it's so funny. I almost left it down there on my last last visit so it would be one less thing to pack because that's the only place I wear it. Oh, also, hold on. We've never done the closet tour.

You ready? Hold on. Wait till you see these. Another one. It's hard to see, but these are very playful design, this blue. They're not crazy. I don't have any pants with whales on them or anything like that. But yeah, there's some...

Those are your preppy Florida clothes? Yeah, your father, who's a guy who grew up in the Bronx, poor guy from the Bronx, and now goes to Florida and wears lime green pants and pink shirts. He looks like a lunatic. Thank God politically

he didn't sell out. out yeah he also loves buying clothes i shouldn't say this they have a store there called the church mouse and it's where like for instance my stepmother cynthia died and i'm sorry i just went to the church mouse when i was down there and i see some of her dresses in there oh it's a thrift store it's a thrift store it's a very high end. You donate. But he he brought the dresses there. Oh, no, we donate a lot of China. We donate a lot of stuff there. Nice. Yeah. But he buys clothes there. So that's where he's getting these crazy pants and ties and jackets. And the bodies aren't even cold yet. And the clothes are in there like he probably is wearing his friend's jacket who died.

Your father is like a mole for the left who is like living among the rich of West Palm Beach, Florida, and the Hamptons, but he's still a bleeding heart liberal. I know. Well, he wasn't allowed. He stopped getting invites to parties, and then people were trying to figure out how to invite his wife, Republican wife and not him.

So and then some people would know that there was maybe a slightly leaning left Republican or like a reasonable one. And he would always get sat with them. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's so sad. I know. So he just stopped entirely talking about he would not say like, you know, because they're old school Republicans down there.

And so he knew there was such a blind, a intentional denial on their part. For instance, he would know, you know, it used to be in the day, no one could talk about George Bush Sr.'s mistress. People knew about it. No one ever, about George Bush Sr.'s mistress. People knew about it. No one ever, ever, ever. It was like a gentleman's agreement, even in the press. And so he would be like, oh, like Susan, but like, you know, he cheated on all three of his wives. Like multiple, like that's not a, and she would just get up and walk away.

Like he's like, you cannot bring up their blind spots. They are voting with their pocketbook. And they're voting against the Clintons. I want to give Ikea a shout out. I went up there to buy a bed frame this past week. And I bought the bed frame. It took me forever to find it, load it, drive it home. And the Ikea is about 50 minutes from my house.

I get home. I spend the hour and a half assembling it, which at multiple times you go, it's missing a screw. Ikea didn't give me all the screws. With the diagrams. With the diagrams, yeah. No words. All of a sudden the stick figure is having sex with you.

You're bent over the unput-together bed frame. Right. Everybody's emaciated because they haven't eaten, because they've been trying uh unput together bed frame right everybody's emaciated because they haven't eaten because they've been trying to make make this fucking bed frame and so uh so then i realize there's no uh slats you know the slats in the bed frame oh that's a separate box that's a separate box do they tell you it's a separate box no is there a sign on the one big box that you need these other two pieces there was also a main bar that goes up the middle that's sold separately right now i gotta get back in the car and drive in the pouring rain to ikea and i'm gonna get there

the store closes at nine o'clock i leave the house at eight of course, and I hit a fucking rainstorm and an accident where the 101 is a parking lot. Oh, no. Stand still. Put your car in park. You're waiting. And so finally I get past the accident, and now it's like 847, but it says I'm 13 minutes away, and I just fucking gut it. And I get in the door, and they try to tell me that you can't come in now. I go, I'm fucking coming in now. You mark your goddamn bed frame boxes that it's more

than one part. I'm getting the fucking part. I'm screaming at them and they let me cashier on the register and I'll do not throw out those last meatballs. And I got, I got my parts, and I went home, and I assembled it. Jesus Christ. What an ordeal. Is it worth it? And first of all, and then you're comparing prices when you buy the bed frame, and you go, oh, Ikea. All right, it's only $189.

The other beds are $220. Yeah, not when you buy all the other parts. Also, your time, which you and I don't value our time. We never factor, especially me. You're the worst. Listen, I hate to have told you. So I told you to get it on Craigslist. It's local. It's already assembled. And it comes with bed bugs, which is the best part. No, no, no. You're not buying the mattress. You were buying the frame. I would never obviously buy, you know, clothes or a mattress or anything cloth on Craigslist. But I will say the kids' bureaus, when they were like,

I need a new Viero, or when we moved here, I'm like, fuck if I'm going all the way down to Carson or Burbank to Ikea to come home to try to put this thing together. Craigslist, boom, it's put together right in the back of the SUV. It's here. It's a half-hour whole process. All right. Shout out to Lawrence, who said that I'm visiting friends in Santa Monica

and decided to try Rosie's Bagels. Yes, you did. That's our friends who have got this great bagel company that delivers if you live on the west side of L.A. I went to the website on Friday, realized I missed the noon deadline for an order, called the phone number, left a message explaining how I heard about their bagels from Greg and Mike.

Adrian, Adrian, texted me back a few minutes later saying they were sold out but might have some extras. Day later, she delivered a baker's half dozen of cream cheese. So delicious. Thanks for the tip. Look at that. They're personal. We're rooting for these guys. First of all, forget rooting.

Forget they're our friends. Honestly, and you don't hear me talk about things like this, and a full-throated endorsement like this. They are, they're the best bagels I've had in L.A. Best bagels I've had in L.A., and they're delivered warm to your door with a selection of cream cheeses. Yeah, so good. Please support them.

Also support Elsie Flowers, who did our awesome song this week. Thank you very much. Awesome. Thank you. And our logo that came in from, who did this week's logo? Let me check here. Brett Kerr. Oh, yeah. Well, we know Brett. Brett Kerr.

Thank you, Brett. Did a nice job. And that's an homage to the Oscars there. Although that photo that he photoshopped is me hosting the Porn Awards. And you are Jesse Jane. You have been superimposed on Jesse Jane's body. Wait a minute. That's not your head put on someone?

No, that's my head on my body. All right. I like how I still wore glasses in the award show. You think I would have thrown the contacts in. Well, you have to read the teleprompter. That's true. That's true. Best double anal.

Who won best double anal that year? Which, by the way, shouldn't they? Didn't you have a joke about that? I went out there with you on you. Best double anal. Who won best double anal that year? Which, by the way. Didn't you have a joke about that? I went out there with you on you. Best double anal. Why get competitive about this? I say anybody that can fit two of them back there, give them all a trophy. Aren't they all winners?

They're all winners. Double anal's a category. By the way, you're a single guy. Yeah. Speaking of double anal is a category. By the way, you're a single guy. Yeah. Speaking of double anal. If you had the opportunity to have sex. Oh, wow. This is a real question.

Okay, go ahead. Who's your chick? Is it Angelina Jolie? Who's your dream girl? If it could be anybody in the world. Well, Freud would say it's my mom. the world well Freud would say it's my mom uh Angela Jolie was never ever in my top ever like I I don't want I would never want it's weird she's I see I see her as a weirdo she's also like I like that she's a very like double anal she seems too she's like too thin like in gaunt, I guess. Well, no, in her prime, in her prime, when she wasn't too thin.

I mean, Jesus Christ, when I say Pamela Anderson. She obviously is gorgeous. I mean, you know, my real crush for the longest time, you know, back in the day was, what's her name, from Mexico. Penelope Cruz? Well, she's from Spain, which we have a letter coming up. She's Hispanic, not Latina. I'm talking about her Latina best friend. Oh, God.

Meanwhile, the one who played. Yeah, big boobs. So great. Big eyebrows. Well, she did when when she played the Mexican artist. Right, right, right. She put the unibrow across. Anyway, everyone knows who I'm talking about.

I know it's frustrating listening to us with our shitty recall. So listen, she's more my type. You know what I mean? But anyway, you've dragged this out. My point was, if you could have sex with her. Sorry, Salma Hayek. Salma Hayek.

If you could have sex with Salma Hayek, you obviously would. Would you double team her with a man you've never met before? No. Because you're saying because that is a higher level of turn on for me, having another dude? No, I'm saying it's a lower level of turn on, but would it be mitigated by the fact that it's Selma Hayek that you would do it?

I thought you said, which would I rather? I'm very confused. I don't want to share her with another dude. I'd not want to, but would you? You got the opportunity to have sex with Selma Hayek. Oh, so in other words, this is my one shot? Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. So the question is, hey, would you like to have sex with Selma Hayek or not? But there's another guy having sex with her at the same time. It doesn't matter. I mean, you'd have to come up, you'd have to get pretty creative to dissuade me from that opportunity.

What if it was Jeff Ross? I would need, I would need blue chew. So would Penelope Cruz at that point. Because saying like, would you like to have sex with, this is what you want to interrupt the flow of this podcast for? Saying do you want to, because then it's like there's a rotting carcass in the room and like jackals are kind of feeding on it. Yeah. That's almost the exact same thing as having Jeff Ross high-five me as we're having sex with her.

And he's roasting her while you're having sex with her? Well, you know, we went to a porn shoot in the Valley, in Reseda, and roasted porn stars as they had sex.

Wow. We did that with The Burn with Jeff Ross, which I ran that show on Comedy Central. Yeah. Not a high point. Not a high point. We did that with The Burn with Jeff Ross, which I ran that show on Comedy Central. Yeah. Not a high point. Not a high point.

We didn't win the Peabody. By the way, I have also been to a porn shoot because I hosted the porn awards. They invited me. Not sexy. I did not get turned on by watching them have sex. Did you? No. No.

I mean, they were incredibly cool because also keep in mind these were people that allowed this right and they're friends with comedians so i should remember her name she was one of the actually one of the top asian uh porn stars i say actually because i know we're getting your arena now but uh could not have been cooler um in fact i think she's interviewed on that david uh on that show that artist cho has a special i think it's interviewed on that david uh on that show that artist show has a special i think it's on hbo she's even interviewed in that because she is so like intelligent and articulate and so she was really cool so i i was kind of attracted to her but as you're talking there's a guy constantly trying to stimulate himself uh basically in the corner yeah right right you gotta watch out for the corners of the porn it's a lot of, basically in the corner.

Yeah, right, right. You got to watch out for the corners of the porn shoots. It's a little weird. There's a lot of weird stuff in the corners. Walk with your back against the wall, just the perimeter. Yeah. We got some corrections this week. Bob Condor said,

I'm so excited to submit a correction, as I am a big dummy who usually takes everything you and Mike say as absolute truth. However, Sebastian Maniscalco isn't the first comedian to enter the NFT arena. The comedic legend and marketing genius Tom Segura began selling NFTs about a month ago. From my understanding, investors in your mom's house NFT will receive a grab bag of audio and or video clips from the podcast. Should we do an NFT? They are all in the same group. So I bet there have been meetings with business and managers, like, for instance, Bert Kreischer's

manager is the same as Sebastian's and I don't and maybe Tom's. I don't know. So they're all those those guys are really in the same group, which Mark Maron would call Joe Rogan's shadow. That's not me. Bert and I are good friends. And I like Tom a lot. He came up to the cabin to shoot. So my so I think it was probably simultaneous. Now, maybe maybe, you know, what Tom beat him to the punch in getting it out there. But I bet it's the same thrust behind all of them. This is the Penelope Cruz email. This is from Doris Arizola.

Doris, who's in the room having sex with Penelope Cruz? Antonio. OK. Penelope Cruz. And for that matter, Antonio Bardem are not Latinos Latinos, Latinx, or Latin Americans. They are Europeans who speak Spanish or Castilian, if you wish. They are white, or should I say Caucasian. It is the same basic Spanish that all of Latin America speaks, just like British English and American English is mostly the accents and a few words that we either say or use differently.

By the way, Latin Americans can be white, black, Asian, indigenous, or a mixture of these. A hundred percent. They're Hispanic. And Latin Americans... No! I wrote him back and I said, are they Hispanic?

And he said no! They can't... In my opinion, they can be. I invite a correction. I believe they are Hispanic. I think Spaniards are Hispanic. Hispanic. Yes.

Here's where it can get a little tricky. If you're trans, I'm kidding. Here's where it can get a little tricky. If you're Brazilian, many people still consider your ethnicity Latino because you're in Latin America, technically. But that Latino cannot also be considered Hispanic because of their Portuguese language. Right. I think I think whatever. I used to do a bit about this and I could never and I could never do that bit today. But but I still will. And I'll be doing it this weekend in La Jolla. There next weekend. What a transition. April 8th through the 10th. I'll be in La Jolla at the Comedy Store,

and then Spokane, Washington, 4-14 through 16. Also coming to New Orleans, the Howlin' Wolf, Lafayette, Louisiana, Plainville, Mass. at a casino, Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works, Tacoma Comedy Club, Irvine Improv, and Bakersfield, California. All those dates coming up in April and May. Go to FitzDawg.com, get some tickets. We were thinking about a podcast there, Irvine Improv and Bakersfield, California. All those dates coming up in April and May. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get some tickets. We were thinking about a podcast there, Irvine, I think.

Yes, let's do that. A couple people have already written in expressing interest in coming to that. The Howlin' Wolf. I think I went there. I think that's in the Warehouse District. Oh, really? Yeah, and I saw Better Than Ezra there. No shit.

Yeah, who were a local band, and they tore it up, actually, I have to say. So they're going to be better than Greg? This was the 1990s. Yeah. Still lived in New York. The other way that I like to make money from my bank account is to tell you guys about certain products we believe in. And this one, ExpressVPN. We do believe in this, like Rosie's bagels.

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Yeah, clearly. That's why babble. I babble. You can babble, too. Love babble. Look, what was your second language in high school? What did you study? Español.

And is that what you're using? Like the Hispanics. Is that what you're using your Babbel subscription for now? Yes, because it's, honestly, it's a resolution every year. The loftier resolutions that a lot of jackasses in this town, of course, say is Italian. I'm going to learn Italian. God bless you. Learn Italian.

But why not speak the language that most Angelenos speak? Right. And I don't think that's an exaggeration. Your wife, Erin, even pointed out she had some stat that she had read about how many people in Los Angeles speak Spanish. And it's, you know, very understandably gigantic. I'm learning French because... Look at the name of the city. Well, I studied French in high school, and I actually loved the language, but I was not in a place emotionally to learn languages at that point.

I was high, and I didn't retain much. So now I'm studying French, and I get kind of addicted to it. I get really into it. And it's a great way, if I'm going to travel the world, we're going to go to France this summer, and I'm going to to it. I get really into it. And it's a great way if I'm going to travel the world, we're going to go to France this summer and I'm going to use it. Well, the key to this though is, listen, I want to be able to speak Spanish, but I don't want to do the heavy lifting. I know I sound like I'm reading an ad, but that's true with every single thing I do. Like, please tell me

what's the way I can improve and get by, and maybe I'll then dig deeper. But this is like, here's your conversational Spanish. And it's 15-minute lessons. Here's your Spanish that you need to get by. Right. And it's 15-minute lessons, so it's like you can actually do it every day. They've got learning apps that use AI for their lessons plans. It's been created by 100 different language experts.

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I mean, he sounded like he grew up not middle class outside Philly. A middle class father who was an engineer. Yeah. Hey, listen, Mike, are you crypto curious? Si, claro. If you've thought about entering the world of cryptocurrency, but you felt a little overwhelmed, Coinbase makes it simple. It seems like cryptocurrency feels like something that's not for my type of person,

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Absolutely the easiest way to do it. I think it's interesting, but it makes it easy to check it all out in one place. They have an easy-to-use platform to buy, sell, and spend. They support most digital currencies on the market. They offer portfolio management and protection, learning resources, and a mobile app so you can trade securely and monitor your crypto all in one place. Millions of people in over 100 countries trust Coinbase with their digital assets. Whether you're looking to diversify, just get started searching for a better way to access cryptocurrency. For a limited time, new users can get $10 in free Bitcoin when you sign up today at coinbase.com slash papers. Sign up at coinbase.com slash papers for $10 in free Bitcoin. This is a limited offer. Limited time offer. So sign up

today. That's coinbase.com slash papers. I just checked my phone, speaking of this, because it is a nice hedge and it's a good way to diversify. Yeah. So today's Thursday. It just turned one, which means the market closed. Down 550 points. And it fell off a cliff the last hour. So it's time to buy. So it's time to buy. There you go.

No, I mean also crypto. Crypto is a great solution. Yep. Oh, you're talking about the market. Oh, I thought you were talking about one of the cryptocurrencies. No, no, no. The Dow. The Dow Jones.

So, no. Come on. We're doing an ad for these guys. And also, but crypto is a good way to diversify. Yeah. Speaking of diversity, let's go to the front page. You got it, pal. Do you have paper?

I've used it so many times, it's like used toilet paper now. I know. I'm using this woke grocery list here we go all right i put this story in because i thought you'd be tired of reading at this point front page news today fox news hires caitlin jenner as a contributor. Caitlyn Jenner, the transgender athlete, reality star, and former California gubernatorial candidate, has signed on to Fox News Media as a contributor. Jenner's first appearance will be Thursday, today, on Hannity. Oh, my God.

Jenner said in a statement, I am humbled by this unique opportunity to speak directly to Fox News media's millions of viewers about a range of issues that are important to the American people. Well, Caitlin, you don't speak to them. You yell at them. That's what you do. Yes.

So good luck with this. Now, there's speculation out there. This is me talking now that this is a defensive move because Disney owns Fox and they're getting hit very hard by the LGBTQ community. But I always wondered, like, is Jenner pro gay? You know, she's not pro gay marriage. Right. Yeah. Well, here's news for Fox. You have another dumb woman broadcasting on your network now. That's what it really comes down to. And who knows what you're going to get with this one? I've worked with her twice, but she was anti- significant other, although they deny they're intimate, is Sophia Hutchins. Sophia Hutchins used to identify as Scott, a gay man, and actually spoke out in her school newspaper in 2016

that Caitlin's transition had inspired her own transition. Scott was born in 1997. So Caitlyn's 72, and now she, Sophia, is 25. So one thing hasn't changed. Old, formerly, well, I don't know how to say this, but old Caitlyn Jenner is still dating a very young woman, and that's the Hollywood way. Yes, yes. And isn't that grooming? Wouldn't you call that, if that was a man, and the girl was in school, and was inspired to do something,

and then ended up having sex with that person, that's kind of grooming. Yeah. She's kind of grooming. Yeah. She's three times her age. Yeah, it's very crazy. So anyway, it's also a rating stunt. I'm just glad that as a straight white man, I can read this story about Caitlyn Jenner and go, ew, without being condemned for it.

I think it's a universal ew without having to do with her transitioning. Any story about Fox News is an ew, first of all. So you're covered. Anyway, that news broke right before we sat down, so I decided to put that in. Good luck to both of you. Good luck, Caitlyn, with Fox,

and good luck, Fox, with Caitlin. Both of you are going to be up against tremendous challenges, I anticipate. Billionaire philanthropist and novelist Mackenzie Scott has donated $275 million to the reproductive health care nonprofit Planned Parenthood, the largest ever gift made to the organization. She said the primary focus of the philanthropy is to support underrepresented people from groups of all kinds. In other words, she wants to make sure as many minorities is getting abortions as possible. Now, we should identify who Mackenzie Scott is. She's Jeff Bezos's ex-wife. Right. So this is her Amazon fortune. And people have said she's maybe getting a little too much credit for $275 million. But wait, you had an Amazon comment?

Well, Amazon, I mean, I guess she's still on good terms with Jeff because they said Amazon will come and pick up the unborn fetus and deliver it to the dump overnight. You don't even have to sign for it. They'll throw it right in. And you know, a lot of those returns, they don't get sold again. That's right. They don't even put them up for sale. It's a big knock against Amazon. They eat that. I think the same thing. I think they just throw it out. So don't be confused. All right.

So she left the marriage with $35.6 billion in Amazon stock. And this made her the third wealthiest woman in the world. And by the way, I am in no way knocking her and what she deserved. She was with Bezos before he was rich. Imagine being with that guy before he's rich. Yeah. You earned it. You earned 35 billion. And she really helped. I'm talking about when they were in a garage trying to start this thing. Like she was actually very helpful. Yeah. She's also an amazing author. Is she? Oh yeah. Yeah. She won a National Book Award. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then went back to that as Amazon was taking off. So I'm not in any way knocking her. So by September, she was named the world's richest woman

in September 2020. And then by December 2020, her net worth was worth an estimated $62 billion. Damn. So I just wanted to take a sec. So what did she donate? She donated $275 million.

People sometimes don't understand the difference between a million and a billion. And I know we've talked about this a little bit before. It's so exponential. So here it is. One million seconds equals 11 days. Guess what one billion seconds equals? This is to the viewer. You can give up now.

30 days. 31.5 years. 11 days is a million. 31.5 years is a billion. So if you're, you know, obviously. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you count to a billion, just one, two, three, one, one number a second, it's going

to take you 32 years about. Okay. Now, Greg, this one's for you. I didn't put the answer in there. No breaks. No, no, no breaks. Otherwise it's way more than 32 years. Okay.

So, and Amazon would have Chinese kids in a factory doing that counting. They've proven it and they get no breaks. Picture a number line, okay? It's a hundred feet long with the greatest number. The numbers are equally spaced and at the 100 foot mark, are you following this? Yeah. Is a trillion because it also happens from a billion to a trillion. Hundred foot long piece of tape at the end is a trillion.

Guess where the one billion mark would be? Well, a trillion is 1,000 billion. Right. So a thousandth of 100 is one inch, 1.2 inches. What did you do? Do you have a calculator? No, I did that in my head. It is true. A billion is at the one inch mark of a hundred foot long piece of tape. Right. If the hundred feet's a trillion. You know what I got on my SATs in math?

I don't know. You were too busy studying French. That's right. I took it in French. What did you get on your SATs? I got very high. The only reason I got in a BU is because my SATs are very high, especially in math. I forgot what I got. I think it was like 680. Yeah, I think I got...

And my English was very low. 680 is very high. Maybe it was 650. It surprised me. When it was 650. It surprised me. When it came back, it surprised me. Yeah. Chris Denman is writing in. Do East Coast people, and by that he means Jews.

That's his way of saying Jews. Yeah, he put it in quotes. Look down on the ACT versus the SAT. Absolutely. I think this is a Chris Denman joke. I know what he's saying. Right. And when we look down, we can't see it because of our Jewish noses. The Onion had a funny—the Onion's been on fire lately.

I know. They had one about—a minority student recently claims wine tasting section of SATs is culturally unfair. They're so, so consistently funny. I think I screen grabbed another one, too. I'm trying to find where it is. Anyway, yeah. this week was, um, Yemen thanks the media for, for their, um, for giving them their privacy during this difficult time. Oh my God.

So I'm going through, I screen grab whenever I come. And now why didn't I do this before the podcast? So there was a Florida man story. Did you hear about this Florida man? He stole 33,000 worth of rare coins and he cashed them into a coin star and got $29.30. No way. No way. So we'll do that next week. And then I just came upon another one, which you flagged. The paralyzed man comes out and his first words that he communicated through some device that let his brain communicate was, I want a beer.

Yeah. All right. We're going to do those two stories next week. Just saw them in my photos as I was looking for onion headlines. New story. Why don't you go down and do the 70-year-old? Okay. Where's that?

Right after the decomposed body that we're not going to do. 70-year-old who kidnapped a... Okay. Where's that? Right after the decomposed body that we're not going to do. 70-year-old who kidnapped a bus. Okay. We can make this one short. So I read this headline. You ready? 70-year-old who kidnapped a bus full of children and buried them alive in 1976 has been approved for parole. You're like, what? In what world? And it's not Florida, man. So Frederick, Frederick, Frederick Newhall Woods, 70 years old. It's always three names. You ever noticed that? That is true. Always three names that bury the kids alive. Frederick, so here, listen to this story. Frederick Newhall Woods, 70, was one of three men who kidnapped 26 children, and he kidnapped

their bus driver in North California more than 45 years ago. All 27 captives were placed into a moving truck and buried alive in a quarry. The kidnappers then, but it was dirt. The kidnappers then demanded $5 million ransom while the victims were underground in what was the largest mass kidnapping in U.S. history. By the way, this scheme inspired the plot of Dirty Harry. Oh. Remember when he went out there and the guy had all the children in a bus?

I remember it vividly. That's right. And he shot all the kids. Here's the last line. After 16 hours underground, the driver and the children dug themselves out and escaped as the kidnappers were asleep. So no, none of the victims died. Did you do you think that's a misleading headline?

When you tell me someone's buried alive. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I just love that this guy, I have to take a sleeping pill, eat an edible, listen to an audio book to fall asleep. This guy could bury a busload of children and then just fucking zonk out. What a clear conscience this lunatic has. If I know, unlike you, if I know I have an early flight, I don't sleep that great. Yeah. I'm thinking the alarm won't go off.

I'm thinking there could have been a blackout. I check my phone. Like, you police, you've sent a ransom note. And now you're just going to calmly zonk out while 27 captives are sitting there with you? Who you know want to escape. I mean, their level of commitment to escaping is at DEFCON 10. Dirty Harry is on his way. And you're taking a deep catnap.

So deep. By the way, how quietly have 26 kids ever left a school bus? It's impossible. Right, right. And they're digging their way. That story makes no sense. Anyway. Did I ever tell you the great,

not to interrupt you, but Red Fox had this great joke. He says there's a school bus driver and he goes, he's driving around and he goes into the bad neighborhood and he picks up all the black kids from the projects

and then he goes into the rich white neighborhood. All the white kids get on and then all of a sudden all the kids are fighting. People are shit-talking, calling names, yelling and screaming. Bus driver pulls over the bus. He goes, everybody off the bus.

Everybody off. Okay, listen. From now on, you're not black. You kids aren't white. Everybody's orange, okay? Everybody's orange. Now get back on the bus. Dark orange kids in the back.

I've never heard that. That's perfect. Oh my God. That's great. All right. I was going to, we can do this quickly, but I wanted like, so that phrase, when someone's buried alive, am I alone knowing, thinking, being convinced they're dead? So anyway, I looked up other phrases because one of my pet peeves is ASAP.

ASAP, the all caps throws you into thinking it's going to be urgent. It's saying as soon as possible. Right. Like, you know what I mean? Possible is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in that phrase. So here's another one. Blood is thicker than water. Like, you know what I mean? Possible is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in that phrase. So here's another one. Blood is thicker than water. What do you think that means?

That family is more important than friendships and other relationships. Right. So the origin, although there's debate on it, is there was more to that phrase, which was the blood. It's a Bible quote. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, which says the exact opposite. Oh. Meaning these strangers who are indoctrinating you into this religion, that is way thicker than the water of your family.

Wow. The blood of Christ. Interesting. Ready? Starve a cold, feed a fever. Don't eat while you have a cold and eat when you have a fever. Exact opposite. The extended phrase was from a doctor. If you starve a cold, you'll have to feed a fever. If you fast during a cold, you are going to be sick even longer and it'll get worse. So eat. It's the exact opposite.

Is this Mike Reed's TikTok section of the podcast? My country, right or wrong? My country, right or wrong? I guess blind obedience. The right loves saying this. Blind obedience to the country? Extended phrase, my country, right or wrong? This is the phrase.

My country, right or wrong? If right, to be kept right, and if wrong, to be set right. Oh. Who said that? Nathaniel Hawthorne? Sounds like. I think that, what's her name? God damn it.

See, I can't do jokes without recall. I was going to tell that blonde lunatic Republican who's missed conspiracy theory. Marjorie Green? Taylor Green? Yeah. she's trying to set it right. Anyway, but no, it was from Carl Schertz, an American senator in 1872.

Wow. Unbelievable. There we go. We can move on now. Good news for Gubbins. We're learning. Yeah, good news. I put this in here. Let me find my page. Sorry, I was in a word document. By the way, this is a section of Sunday Papers. Good news for Gubbins. We're learning. Yeah, good news. I put this in here. Let me find my page. Sorry, I was in a word duck. By the way, this is a section of Sunday Papers.

Good news for Gubbins. Oh, sorry. Here we go. New section. Good news for Gubbins. He thought it was the best Oscars ever because he's a huge fan of Black on Black violence. Ah, yes. I think Denman celebrated this as well.

Yeah. Yeah. So they sit back and they're like, look, look, look at you guys. Look at California. Perfect. Perfect example. Well, didn't Kareem say something about this, that this showed black people in a bad light? Of course.

Yeah. I mean. You know, a viewer, yeah, wrote in. I think maybe it's anyway, suggesting, and thank you very much, listener, for the cream article I thought was one of the best takes on that night. Yeah. Yeah. Although it didn't make room for, I think Will is experiencing a little mental illness

where he's on thin ice. So there's also that. All right. Entertainment section. Okay. Okay, we had a letter from somebody, from Kurt Denninger, who said, when Greg commented that the actress playing the daughter

was proficient at ASL, American Sign Language, and Mike responded, how do you know? Well, Mike was on to something. My mom is a CODA. That guy Mike is good. Which is a children of deaf adults and also one of the top ASL interpreting educators in the states. Her parents, my grandparents, were deaf and she grew up being their interpreter from a very young age. My deaf grandfather and both of my parents worked at Gallaudet University School for the Deaf

in Washington, so I asked her opinion on the question, and she had plenty to say. By the way, don't ask how Gallaudet or Galludant is pronounced. None of them know. They've never heard it. Go ahead. There's our clip for the week. Even mentioning that Troy Koetzer, the father of CODA, was in some of her videos that she recorded in her effect.

Jesus, get to the fucking point. I'm enjoying this letter. She saw the premiere at Sundance and knew the actress was not a CODA within 30 seconds. She heard the actress studied very hard for about a year, but wondered why she did not cast a real CODA for the role. Apparently, there was a lot of flap about that in the community. why did not cast a real coda for the role? Apparently there was a lot of flap about that in the community. Also, if the movie had been set in the 1950s,

it would have been more believable since it was contemporary. Your parents would have been able to get their own interpreter for going to the doctor or watching their daughter perform at school. That's part of the, uh, American disability act. It's a, it's a right for them to have signers at any event.

Yep. Uh, nor could she imagine a coda ever telling their parents that they could no longer rely on them. Overall, it does bring a lot of attention to the issue and it has been, Jesus fucking Christ. Basically the net,

the net, keep your notes to a fucking minimum. What do you mean? You, you pasted this in here. I know. I didn't have time to go in and cut it down. Oh, well, anyway, I could tell that she wasn't that good at it.

Also, her Boston accent while she was her Boston hand accent was terrible. Also, somebody also pointed out that when she was talking to her parents, she would not have been talking. She would have only been signing and that it was just such a convenience that list that viewers don't want to read fucking subtitles that she was talking out loud to her parents. I disagree with that because when I am behind a very thick glass and even far away or if I'm in an airplane and there's a guy, I will mouth words very clearly. So the person who has no chance of hearing, I'll be like, no, go around. And I literally say that out loud.

What? No, this side, that, that side with huge pointing gestures. Right. Right. Yeah.

I talk to my dogs. How fucking crazy is that? They say that's not crazy, but you should be saying the end is near, Roulé. The end is just whispering, kind of like that Schindler's just whispering in its ear as you drive a knife through its carcass. You don't know the shit I say to these dogs. They are, they are, death is talked about a lot. Here's the letter we should give Trisha credit. She's the one who turned us on to Kareem. All right.

Kareem article was one of the best, especially the feminism take. Bruce Willis lost his mind because of the G.I. Jane joke. Oh, no, no, no, no. Those are my jokes. Oh, really? Yeah. She wrote above it. You. Yes. The Kareem take the Kareem take is one of the best. And then, in my opinion, the feminism take he has should have been out there a lot more because all of a sudden there's everyone saying finally someone sticks up for a black woman. I think it actually hurt that case. It actually did the opposite.

And then my joke was Bruce Willis lost his mind this week because of that G.I. Jane joke. So there's there's multiple victims victims here. OK, another entertainment story. Here we go. Hilaria Baldwin is pregnant again. That is Alec Baldwin's wife. They are hilarious.

She's expecting baby number seven with Alec Baldwin's wife. They are expecting. Hilarious. She's expecting baby number seven with Alec Baldwin. Man, she is really trying to prove she's a Latina. She's expecting baby number seven and panty liner number one of a million.

She got in a lot of trouble and got busted for portraying herself as a Latina. She grew up in Boston. No Latina blood. She has no Latina blood. No Latina blood. But, boy, is she trying to set the record straight.

It's like, okay, we got it. We believe you. Yeah, right, right. Of course, the easy joke is Alec Baldwin really does not shoot blanks. Does. Never does. Never does. That's solid. And the other thing I would say is this is this is one wife that Chris Rock is not going to make fun of. You do not want Alec Baldwin angry at you. Right. Right. What's the difference between a Jewish American princess and a Latino American princess?

Tell me, Greg. The Latino American princess has fake jewelry and real orgasms. Okay. Florida man. Here it is. Florida man dies after crashing his car into, drum roll, an 11-foot alligator. Hey, now. John Hopkins, 59, was driving east on County Road 672 in Lithia, about two miles west of, you got it, Tampa, when he struck an 11-foot alligator in the roadway.

Hopkins and the alligator were both deceased when detectives arrived on the scene. Oh. Yeah. So I often think what people's last words were when they had that split second of knowledge that they're not going to make it. Like, what was this guy?

What do you think his words were? I mean, obviously it must've been like, what the fuck? Like that's, if you had, imagine if he was on the phone leaving a message and we could tell, and you came up with 10 phrases and one of them was right. That would be an amazing contest.

And I bet what the fuck was probably it. What the fuck? And I don't think he thought he would die. So it probably wasn't like because they said in World War Two that when they could hear the pilots going down, that none of them prayed to God. None of them talked about the country. They all asked for their mothers. Well, I know Italians famously. I think it's more of that maternal culture. Yeah. None of them ask for

their friend's hot mom. That seems more... That's World War III. That'll happen in World War III. Yeah. Which is, I think, next Tuesday, right? Yeah. Notice we didn't call it the last Great War. World War I was the first great war. No one called it World War I till World War II. A lot of people have commented on that. But World War II, if we were optimistic, we would have called the last great war. No one, not a soul on earth did that. It's two of at least three and maybe four.

Well, didn't you call your first wife your first wife while you were still with her? I think that's how I proposed to her. Will you be my first wife? Will you do the honor? Make this man feel like the greatest man on earth, the greatest feeling ever, and do me the honor of being my first wife. Yeah. And I was on one knee.

I don't know. Maybe his words were, of course, Tampa. Maybe. Or holy shit, a leather speed bump. Yeah. I don't know. I should have written more or less. All right.

International. Let's do some international. A Brazilian singer says she's no longer ashamed to let it rip after she was hospitalized with a case of trapped farts. Viviane de Queres Pereira, better known by her stage name Poca, made the admission in a recent Instagram story that after she was treated for intestinal gas buildup, the 27-year-old told her 15 million followers that she was too embarrassed to pass gas in front of her partner,

so she held in her farts for extended periods. The pain became so severe, she decided to seek medical attention. I'm just fine now. Just an accumulation of trapped farts. Girls, don't be ashamed to fart in front of your guy. Because what's really embarrassing is not letting your guy sleep because you're in discomfort going to the hospital with your guy and the diagnosis being trapped farts. From now on, I'm going to let him rip.

I doubt that's what it was. Yeah. But I don't know if you saw a picture of this girl, Poca. Poca got gas? Poca. Pocah got gas? I mean, Pocahontas. Pocahontas? I got to, whatever. Like, they know the story of Pocahontas in Brazil.

Go ahead. She is so smoky. She is so hot that she could blast diarrhea in front of my mother, and I would still leave my wife for her. Okay. First of all, there's a famous Brazilian dance and they're online. We used to put them on Tosh, but where they are not only sitting on a guy's face,

they're grinding it. Yeah. Like it's like, it's, they bring the guys up on stage. I don't know if this is like a cabaret show or, or if it's technically like stripping, but they are just throwing their ass all over

the stage in the most unbelievable way. Like a belly dancer, you're just mesmerized by it. And then the guy is on the ground then and they stoop down and I mean, smash his face with their ass. Yeah. Yeah. There's some photos. Chris just puts them in the document.

She, I doubt she did that. Wouldn't have come out. Oh my that. Wouldn't have come out. Oh, my God. Wouldn't have come out then. You know how many guys would pay to have her fart on them, by the way? Yeah. But she mentioned not waking her partner. If he's asleep, just go into the bathroom and fart into towels like a normal person.

Yeah, right. Isn't that what we all do? Then the guy washes his face in the morning and he goes to dry it and he's like, did you take a shit in the towels? No, then he's like, I'm in love. Also, if he's asleep, you can't like kind of maneuver the situation back there. So maybe it blows a little more silently. Not with that ass. That's like, those are some fucking

subwoofers. Have you seen the footage? There's a few of them online. It's ring doorbell footage and you can tell it's early morning and a guy leaves and he's two stairs down the port steps and explodes.

Just rips farts because he's leaving after a hookup. It's the funniest thing in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, why is he ringing the doorbell? No, he's leaving the home, but the doorbell cam. Oh, you can see it on the ring doorbell. Okay, yeah.

The doorbell cam gets the video and audio of his exit, and he's just, I mean, ripping it. Yeah, well, you've seen the video of the guy that picks up a girl for a date, and then he walks her to the car, opens up the passenger door, she sits down, closes the door, and then as he walks around, she farts.

And then he gets in the car and he goes, by the way, this is Bill and Carol, and they're in the back seat. She turns around. And she's mortified. Isn't it funny that people are embarrassed by farts? It's the most it's like any other bodily function, but we're embarrassed by it. Yes, because it's it's like you have a dumb twin is like like like you're trying to cover up the twin. You have two layers,

at least of clothing on the twin. You're trying to hide the twin. You don't want to admit the twins there. And then they speak up completely out of place. They interrupt. And whatever they say is jarring. Yes. It's jarring.

It's funny. It's immature. Sometimes they throw up. Sometimes they throw up in their clothes oh god sometimes they dry heave it's a dumb we all have a dumb twin down there that we're trying to ignore and like just can you can you at least cool it while i'm on this date seriously uh listen listen let's do a little bit of sports. All right, here it is. I'm not excited about this story at all.

But hold on. Before we get to sports, I will say, just going back to the farting for a second. Oh, Jesus. The story would make more sense if you drop the girl off, you seal her in the sports, I will say, just going back to the farting for a second. Oh, Jesus. The story would make more sense if you drop the girl off, you seal her in the car, you let it rip on your walk around. What is she thinking? She's in a closed

space that he's about to get into. Because it's like my whole life, I still make the mistake. I'll be in an elevator, people get off, and I'm like, whew! And then I let one rip. Not knowing how an elevator works, and that there's more floors off and I'm like whoo and then I let one wrap not knowing how an elevator works and that there's more floors and I'm in a contained space alone yeah yeah anyway sports about valet parking you ever you ever fart pulling up to a restaurant because

you don't want to fart at dinner and you forget you're going to valet park the car usually I go out to dinner with people, so no. You eat alone. Okay, March. The March Madness bet is fantastic. Just to review, we made a bet. We bet $100 on every

single game on the over-under, which is like the simplest bet in all of sports. Which is how many games? Like 75 games or something? 67, but we might've added two. So maybe it's 69, I think. Okay, so it's a $6,700 bet. I mean, obviously not, but okay. So out of the gate, last Saturday,

the overs were killing and it was bad. You were up 600 bucks. Last Saturday, there was, as of Saturday, it was 24 overs, 18 unders. And then it turned. Sunday, five unders, three overs with 15 games left. Thursday, three unders, one over. Friday, here we go. Four unders, zero overs. Saturday. Four unders, zero overs.

Saturday, two unders, zero overs. Sunday, two unders, zero overs. The unders went 11 out of 12 of the last games. Jesus Christ. This is the first time hearing of this, by the

way. I haven't been following this bet at all. We are now 34 unders, 28 overs, and I will read you the text that you probably didn't hear as you were running late to this podcast. I went out to Matt because I'm sharing the bet with him. You're sharing the bet with Ruby. Matt, do we make an offer to end the bet now? Like you guys can just say, let's end it now.

We don't need the pain of the three remaining games. We're down 600 bucks. Right. Or maybe we charge you $100 to end the bet now, which of course you'd get angry at. Or do we raise the stakes and make these last three games $200 a game, which gives you a shot at breaking even? games $200 a game, which gives you a shot at breaking even?

Or does Matt and I simply hold out and potentially make $900? I love every one of those options. I'm leaning towards making it $200 a game. Yes, you are. And even though the trend is not good at all. Boy, do they get tight. Imagine if the first half of the tournament was normal and you didn't run up like that. You know, at one point it was 100% even.

I think it was like before, right, like last Sunday, I guess, which was uncanny. All right. Well, to be discussed, the next game, I think, is Saturday. Yeah. I know we don't know anything about sports, but I do know about this bet. All right. Let's get to some letters real quick.

All right. This is from Gary Morris, who says, FitzDawg, love you and Mike. The outfit you had on for the last pod made your head look huge and floating. The burgundy with the green wall is not a great mix. Yvonne. Yvonne? Yvonne?

I don't know. She's my friend now. All right. I don't know how my head looks today. And then this one comes in from. Your head looks good. Blue looks good on you. It matches your eyes.

Blue's good, right? Yeah. Yeah. Unlike me. Look at me. Lilac? Again, what color? What's another purple color?

Lilac? There's another one. No, not fuchsia. I think that's fuchsia. How dare you call this purple shirt fuchsia? All right, go ahead. You mentioned several times how you wait to return home after three days to evacuate your bowel. Enough bowels.

Enough farting. Good Lord in heaven. Let's get to the Sunday funnies. Shit. Oh, my God. I forgot because it's not Sunday. We got to get a family circus. So I'm getting family circus right now.

I know. Chris Denman, you do family circus, so it's a surprise to Mike. And, Mike, you stay with me through these other ones. This was a letter sent from Ava Goldfarb who said, Hey, Mike and Greg, quote from my wife, Elisha Goldfarb, regarding Mike's comment about taking Dagwood's side versus Blondie with regard to the roast not being cooked and Blondie's errand not being done. Quote, she said maybe

that's why mike is single oh but then she laughed jokingly she still loves mike what bitch wrote this alicia how dare you you know i think you're going to attract a certain type of woman who likes a guy who's you know a little a little uh outspoken about women. Oh, you think? And Miss Alicia is not that? Alicia Goldfarb. Goldfart. Oh, sorry. You said not to do that anymore. Get in the kitchen, Alicia.

Take care of your man. Leave him the big piece of chicken, as Chris Rock used to say. He plays her podcast while she's cooking? Huh. Leroy in the Lockhorns is on the phone and he says Loretta's either at a grand opening or going at a business sale. Not sure which.

All right. She's a shopper. This is a really solid joke. They're at a cocktail party and Leroy is talking to his friend, and he goes, Loretta's shy about telling her age, usually about five years shy. That's a good fucking joke. That is good. That is good.

And then a little haggard the horrible. Helga is reading a diary that is part of some loot that Hager has brought home. And she says, the queen's last entry reads, quote, Hager's wife is a very lucky woman. And Hager said, she must have a thing for me. And then she continues reading, her no good husband will give her my jewelry. And Hager says, or not. And then she wrote, I wish she would stop raping me.

That's the next frame. They don't have it on here, but let's not kid ourselves. The jewelry was not the first thing on his mind when he entered the bedroom. All right. I like adding a frame. All right. Did he put the family circus in there?

Oh my God. Here we go. Let me see it. Okay. Okay. It's the little shitty kid with the little hair. Billy. Billy.

And he is, his pie hole's wide open and he's standing next to a cat and, but he's yelling away regarding the cat and he can't be yelling. It's not the cat. I'm just taking this in now. So the quote under it is how he's yelling. How come girl cats have whiskers too? Because they're Irish. Um, I think you can do better than that. I was i was gonna say because it's a persian cat

yeah that's better yeah right yeah now send all your letters about how uh persian women are in harry which will be a useless letter i've dated a persian woman she used to joke about clogging my drain who uh alex no none of your business so uh yeah anyway um all right so i'm adding a frame like you did so i think i made that better yeah that's a good one but what else could he say let's not spend time on it you're late to the airport dude yeah i'm late all right blond real quick. They're in bed, which is immediately, you got me. You fucking got me. I am going to read your comic. So now, Blondie, she's got an off-the-shoulder negligee that's frilly. I mean, it is a come-and-get-it negligee.

And she goes, if we ever moved, wouldn't this gorgeous furnished house be perfect? And he says, hmm, how big is the refrigerator? And she says, you're really something. It's a big, beautiful place. All you care about is the fridge. He goes, of course not, honey. Final frame. Let's see what kind of cozy couch they've got.

How about this, Dagwood? Let's see about the bedroom. Let's see about the place that I can fucking take my loser donut pajamas off and make love to the hottest chick in known animated, non animated. I take Angelina Jolie off the table for Blondie. She should be like, let's see. Let's see where the pool boy is going to live out back. Yeah, right.

Right. How about that? Dagwood. She should be like, he's going to be like back. Yeah, right, right. How about that, Dagwood? He's going to be like, this house seems kind of small. And she's going to be like, well, after the divorce settlement, this is probably all you're going to be able to afford. All right, well, listen, I think really this podcast was about this March Madness bet. I'm very excited.

As people are listening to this, two games have already been played. The two games are Saturday, Villanova, Kansas, North Carolina, Duke. Hold on, let me smell my phone. They smell like they were under. They smell like they were under yesterday. Well, let me talk to Matt Malloy, and we'll figure out whether or not we're going to up this bet. That's my instinct is to go big.

It's March madness. And then Monday night's the ultimate game. The finals. Oh, really? Okay. And then I think the Grammys are on Sunday. If we had time, we could have made some picks for the Grammys. But let's just say it's probably going to involve some jokes about getting slapped

in the face. Let's see who's got the balls to do that joke. Oh, I know. I hope Will Smith's not nominated. But I might have seen Billie Eilish since then. She's playing the form. I might take Olivia. Olivia is Billie Eilish's. Yeah, she's going to win. Billie Eilish is my daughter's favorite. And I have to say I'm a fan as well. So we might go Thursday night, I think. And that girl's Olivia Rodriguez, is that her name? She's going to win, too.

Oh, actually, what am I saying? It's next Thursday, so I'm all confused. Well, that'll be fun. It's next Thursday, yeah. So it's still before— It's nice to go see someone that you enjoy, that your daughter also enjoys. No, I think that would be good. Now, whether she wants to go with me or not, maybe I should get two separate seats.

Right. That way I can do blow, and then she can pretend she's not there with her dad. Thanks to Midcoast Media for doing the show. You did a great job, as always. And we'll see you guys next week. I think this is where we say, take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ishy. Bye-ish. Take it-ishy.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Good luck, Will Smith. I hope you're okay.