Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 109 4/10/22

Episode Date: April 10, 2022

We comment on Matt Gaetz commenting on Marjorie Taylor Green commenting on Jimmy Kimmel wanting Will Smith to smack her. Greg reports on doing Joe Rogans show this week and hanging at the Comedy Store 50th anniversary party. Author of How to Murder Your Husband charged with murdering husband, a dead rapper is stuffed and propped up for his wake and Florida man is… well, Florida man.

Sunday, oh, it's Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, And now we're going to clap it in. Five, four, three. That was kind of yours. Three, two, one. There's mine. Hear ye. Check, check, check. Hear ye. Hear ye. Hear ye. Read all about it. There it is. Read all about it There it is Read all about it La Jolla I'm in La Jolla, California You just go down La Cinega I went down La Cinega Sepulveda and Pico

And you take it down to Los Angeles All the while thinking Why are there so many Mexicans in my city? and you take it down to Los Angeles. Past Vincente. All the while thinking, why are there so many Mexicans in my city? So when did you arrive? When did you fly out of Texas? I flew out of Texas. I flew to Austin to do Rogan on Wednesday.

He flew me first class, and he put me in the four seasons. What? It's $1,700 a night. Wow. And then I went down. I went that night. I got in, and I found out that they invited me down to, they're doing a comedy show.

That day, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, andri shafir were on rogan's podcast they come on like as a group every couple months yeah and uh so that's a tough act to follow because those guys are all fucking killers and they're together and so we we did a comedy show that night and i actually didn't go on i just i just hung out I didn't want to go on um but they all did a show at the Vulcan Theater is that the new one yeah and Tony Hinchcliffe was there and he had his uh new Corvette he's got a new yellow Corvette oh and we were standing we were standing in the green room and he uh he used his key fob to turn it on for me from the window. And it was very impressive. But then he couldn't turn it off. So he had to leave and go outside and turn it off.

Is that true? Yeah. Wow. All right. And then I did the podcast the next day. It was three hours and 45 minutes straight. And it's just amazing how fast it goes like you think that you know you're gonna get bored or you're gonna run out of things to talk about and all of a sudden you look i look at the fuck it i saw his watch i looked at his

watch out of curiosity i go oh joe's watch is fucked up because it says it's five o'clock and that's not possible. Mm-hmm. It's kind of like how I feel when we're at the 50-minute mark. Like, wow. This feels like it's three and a half hours. But fast. And then I got on a flight and then my flight was delayed it was supposed to leave at like 8 and it got delayed till 10

p.m. which sucked because the 50th anniversary of the Comedy Store party was going on that night and I was trying to make it in in time so I switched airlines made it in, what a fucking party holy shit, oh wow really it was amazing, Eaget was there there adam eget flew in and it was just

like a lot of big old-timey comedians and then all the new comics and it was like a coming together of generations of comedians and it was like total access they had the back parking lot set up with bars and music and um and you know the comedy store is a labyrinth there's literally there's people i didn't even see because you got the back parking lot. Then people were hanging out in the O.R. where there was a band. Then there was the main room where they were showing a film of like dead people. And then you've got like that VIP bar that they've got in the back room that they set up. It's a bar.

Yeah, I've been in there. Yeah. Then you've got the pot lounge, which is out back that they made with all this outdoor furniture where people go smoke pot. Then you've got the two different roofs that have lounges on them that people are on. One's a heroin den, right? One's a heroin den, yeah. And it was a lot of fun. There was a couple landmines.

There was a couple guys that were fucking drunk douchebags. And one guy, i'm not even gonna say his name i'm so tempted to say his name but this guy was like he like i gave him a bad intro why'd you have to say it um but it was good i don't know if there's i don't think too many huge name comics were there, but like Theo Vaughn and Santino and I think Jim Carrey might have come. Bobby Lee, Marin. Jessel. Nice.

Yeah, it was good. It was good. Yeah. Very cool. And it's weird that you were down in Adam's place. Isn't Adam the one managing Vulcan? No, he's not managing Vulcan. He is managing the new comedy club that Joe is opening. It's been a little slow in coming to be. They had some issues with another location.

And now it's looking like end of the summer, they'll have a club. Oh, I thought that's what the Vulcan was okay got it all right and uh yeah and then i i stayed i stayed at the comedy store till three o'clock in the morning and then i had to wake up the next morning and drive down to the la jolla comedy store where i am tonight if you hear this podcast today i'm there tonight sunday night sunday night All right. I'm a little hungover. Really? Which I just told you the other day. It hasn't happened in years.

Met Rabi. You remember at Vito? You know the bar at Vito? Yeah, of course. So they have giant, almost like martinis, like the size of the palm type thing. And so I don't know why I had two of them. I did not need the second one. And I started chatting up these. All right. So these three old people are sitting

to our left, really old. And this was the overheard, which was perfect. I go, did you just hear that? And Ruby's laughing and said, yes. So the guy in the middle goes to the he's in the middle surround flanked by two old women. And he goes, her problem is she doesn't focus. And then the one on the left behind him is like, are you talking about me? So I'm like, OK, I need more of this. They're sisters. He's not married, but been dating one of them for 32 years the sisters holocaust survivors no yes and they're the only two of their family to survive oh my god that

just came up in small talk at the bar yeah well, well, it was like, what's up with you bitches? And so, and then it came right out with it. You guys seem sad. What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice tats, ladies. Well, you're pretty edgy, huh? So, I forgot how I got there.

I got there pretty quickly, though, because I did want to know about them. They were fascinating. And I got there. I got there pretty quickly though, because I did want to know about them. They were fascinating and I was drunk. And so, uh, so anyway, they seem to have a good sense of humor. Um, one of them was wearing, I mean, they're really old and one of them was wearing an MTV sweatshirt. So I gave her shit about that. Yeah. Wow. And, um, so anyway, yeah, they landed in New York, were processed there as refugees and everything. And then soon after were sent to Florida and they try to go to Vito every Friday night. Nice. Yeah, it was very cool. How old are they?

In their 90s? I'd say they look early 90s, yeah. Because the Holocaust was... Late 80s. The Holocaust, what season did that start? That was... It would be 55 years ago would be the latest. No, no, no, sorry.

75 years ago would be the latest, right? So they'd have to be at least 85. Maybe 77 years ago. So what are we going to put down? God, everyone's going to kill us. Well, it ended in 45. So that's 75, 75, 77 years ago is when it ended. Right. So, yeah, they could be 87 and have been 10 years old when it happened. Yeah. I know. Crazy. I'd like to say I'd like to say, well, maybe it didn't happen in the last, you know, half a year because for them to be like sent out of the country and like, but sadly, it went right up until the end. People were killed in the last days. It's crazy. I'm trying to get Denman to research the dates, but he's saying it didn't exist?

Holocaust didn't. It doesn't matter what date. You can put it anywhere you want since it's made up. Yeah. Right. So I just love the loving father scenario we had before we started a little bit late because your daughter olivia has an allergy her face is swelling and it's not a food allergy and so i was very helpful i wasn't like you, so maybe it wasn't totally helpful. So we had Benadryl

and she's like, these expired. I'm like, don't be one of those people. Drugs basically don't expire and it's ridiculous. And she's like, it says 2018. So I'm like, okay. Meanwhile, her lips are getting big and her face is swelling. And I'm kind of, at that point, I'm like, maybe 2018. Maybe those are expired. Okay. So I'm like, all right, let me go to the pharmacy. So I go to the pharmacy and I'm on my way back. And all of a sudden I hear, don't get the Benadryl.

She calls me. I'm like, outside the building. I'm like, what? And she's like, yeah, no, I think it's Zyrtec. And I might need an EpiPen. I'm like, what? She's like, don't worry. Don't worry. She's like, I'm it's Zyrtec and I might need an EpiPen. I'm like, what? She's like, don't worry. Don't worry.

She's like, I'm going to mom's. And so you brought up, wait, why does that happen? And I kind of don't have the best reputation when the girls are sick. Because I don't do a good enough job hiding my resentment that they have a weak system. Also, when I'm sick, you won't find me. I like crawl up into the woods and hibernate. Yeah. I don't want to tax anybody.

I don't want to bring everybody down. There shouldn't be an effort. And why don't other people act in kind? I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. why don't other people act in kind? I don't get it.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm like a dead, like they say you never see dead pigeons because when they're injured, they go and they hide, so they're not eaten. That's how I am. I just, yeah, I hide away. I tuck away.

But also, your daughters have a choice. They can have a hungover Irish father or they can have a Jewish mother. Jewish mothers, they major in caring for the sick. They love it. They celebrate sickness. It's like it's catered. Oh my God. You have a fever. Let's cater this shit. I'm going to go get chicken noodle soup. We're going to prop you up. You're going to have nonstop movies.

They incentivize illness. Yes. You should have seen. I mean, during the marriage, it is not why we broke up, but it had to be on the list somewhere. Like, I couldn't. There were times where I'm like, oh, God, I should watch what I say. She would be sick, right? Let's say head cold, maybe a little temperature. Right. Let's say head cold, maybe a little temperature. And I would leave the room with a tray packed with tissues, loaded tissues, 40 different drinks.

And, you know, that sea energy, vitamin C powder, every little, you know, everything was in this thing. Right. Vicks vapor. And I lose like and the way I would be spoken to like can you get and i'm like i honestly don't think lou gehrig seemed this bad the last week of his life like i'd leave like i mean on it tom hanks in the in the last few minutes of philadelphia had more energy than what and then i'd have to reload this tray with a bazillion things yeah so there was that yeah yeah um the uh thanks for the birthday i told you that right told you that, right? What's that? My dumb roofie joke used to be, is it creepy if I roofie my wife after sex?

Right? But it's like, you know, it's not just for sex. Like, I just wish when she was sick I would have roofied her. You know what I mean? Like, just relax. You need your rest. Just drink. No, this OJ, not that one. You need your rest. Just drink. No, this OJ, not that one.

You need your rest. That's one of the best parts about being sick is taking medicine that makes you feel dull and wasted. I love that. Then you just sit on the couch and watch a movie. It's the best. Oh, my God. Watch out. You're a convert.

You're married. I have two. That's probably what it is. I have to thank you for your lovely presence. I turned 56 this week. Happy birthday, kid. And you very kindly gave me a whole new wardrobe. Shorts, sweatpants, sweatshirt, T-shirt, all maroon.

You got it, pal. Yeah. You got it. Is that a maroon curtain behind you? It's a maroon curtain behind me. It's so funny because as I was getting ready for the podcast, I go, oh, Mike's going to be disappointed. I don't have any maroon on today. And then I turned on the camera and I was like, there it is.

Right behind Greg is this maroon curtain. I can't even point to a maroon item of clothing. I can proudly tell you. Yeah. It's a maroon item of clothing i'm i can proudly tell you yeah it's a great color for you wear wear it proudly yes it was fun we had a little birthday party at the house little pizza and cake great fucking group it's so funny because once again like we there were 10 people nine of them were irish and like like and i i don't i don't mean like hey ancestor dna i was like you know 40 irish 100 irish people and they're all they all have big person not loud we're not loud but we're oh that was a loud loud room that was a loud room that was loud room yeah

yeah there were a lot of individual stories going on. And the best was Gubbins trying to tell his Bitcoin story. Oh, my God. We tortured him. Oh, my God. Especially Mary. Mary, who's, like, I'd say what she was doing, the level of that's a scam was maybe appropriate if it was like the 1960s and scams were new,

but Dennis was fully aware of everything. Then another Russian guy in the bar is like, Hey, you're a crypto commentator, like blogger, blah, blah, blah.

Like you're well known. And Mary's like, of course they bring in another person to validate that and it's like mary he knows that like no but but but i mean the circumstances were pretty questionable dennis gubbins who we know and you know is a cute guy but um you know maybe maybe the kind of guy that might be open to to a scam a little bit and he's he's in thailand and he meets a guy who's what is what what nationality was the guy russian all right first of all he's like 52 years old this is new relationship goals i'm about to describe

he's about 52 years old he has the most insane looking girlfriend. Like Dennis just said, this specimen, literally a model. And how he met her was he funded and threw a beauty pageant with the purpose of meeting his girlfriend. Nice. That's brilliant. It's kind of like Trump. And so that's how they met. They're from Russia.

They were coincidentally in Thailand on vacation when Putin attacked Ukraine. Since then, and there were other Russians there as well, there are all these Russians around the world who can't go back now, and all their assets have been frozen. Huh? Yes. So he purchased Gubbs and he goes, I am Russian. I cannot get my money. It is frozen.

But I am big Bitcoin man. I will sell you a, I will sell you, how much was it? $600? I think he knows, $300. I will sell you $300 of Bitcoin right now. Well, the guy needed cash. He had no cash. Because I need the cash.

But Dennis, you think, listen, Dennis obviously is like, all right, so this is bullshit. How are you going to prove to me it's not bullshit? And then he did a good job. He's already up. His money's at like $320. It might be way higher now

he's up 16 and he's up 16 that night he pulled out the app that it's on i just can't wait till the day he tries to cash it in and fucking malware corrupts his computer and steals everything he's ever owned but the other thing is like mary like dennis would say things and Mary's like, yeah, of course it's the slow con. I'm like, Mary, we got it. You have a glossary of terms. Like, yeah, he, it occurred to him also, but how about this? Why wouldn't the guy just take Dennis's money? Like literally rob him and then go to another part of Thailand. Right. Like, how about that one? You don't need a slow con. How about I have a gun pointed at your head and my beautiful girlfriend. I'm going to rob you and leave. Can we talk about Gubbins coming back from three weeks in Thailand where we saw pictures? And by the way, go to D Gubs on Instagram and you can see all of his incredible photos and follow him while you're there. We're trying to build up his followers. Yeah. But he, I mean, pictures of a balcony outside his bedroom

where you're looking at mountains and a river and monkeys playing in trees. It was just like idyllic. And he just chilled and did drugs for three weeks. And then he came back. And you'd think most people after that experience would come back pretty Zen-like. I mean, it doesn't always last forever, but usually you get a good four or five days of Zen-like.

He comes in the day after he lands, and we're watching the finals of the NCAA men's basketball at Malloy's house. Oh, my God. I forgot about this. And holy shit, he comes in, and he is screaming at the refs. He's huffing and puffing. He storms out because he's so mad. He's arguing with people. It was like, where were you the last three weeks? And he gives his big speech, which is I cannot watch sports anymore.

He's like, you saw the last play of the Giants baseball playoff? Like, you know, like, you know, the called strike that, you know, whatever it was like it was all about refs. And every time and then he'd storm off and then you'd be watching the game. And then 10 minutes later, you'd be like somebody would go like, oh, yeah, that might have been a foul. And then you'd hear, you think? And he's back there in the corner. He hadn't left. He was standing by the front door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And my sister had her back to him. And there was one where he was like, what? And she's like, oh, my God, he's still here. Because he was standing directly behind her chair. Yeah, he was furious. What a game that was. Speaking of March, I guess we'll talk about March Madness later. We'll talk about it later.

Let's thank Mitch Robinson for that killer theme song. I mean, when I think about what we're soliciting from you guys for theme songs, and we stopped because we had some copyright issues, and so we're not going to play the songs anymore. But Mitch Robinson, that is the song we're looking for. That's the kind of insanity. It was really funny. The spirit of the song is a man who is clearly naked.

He may be masturbating and suicide might be in his future. That's what I want to come through in the theme song. Oh, wow. The logo this week, Bruce Wise did a very funny family circus caption for our logo this week. Well done, Bruce. Weiss or Wise? Maybe Weiss. And we got corrections.

You got a newspaper there? Oh, boy. Huh? You got a newspaper? I don't do that anymore. But, oh, God, I don't even have my pad. Hold on, let me see what I got. I got a piece of paper.

Oh, that's nice and crisp. Let's do that. All right. Doris Arzola says, just to be very clear, because it can get complicated, Hispanic means that you speak Spanish, but Hispanic has come to mean a race

which it is not it is an ethnicity it they are no that's true that's true i totally follow all that they are hispanic in the sense that they speak spanish but ethnically they are spaniards aka european and not latin american aka lat Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have bothered, but just that we all get lumped into one big ball, and it gets frustrating. Okay. Also, my raging Hispanic temper, I couldn't resist writing you a letter. Isaac Sandoval said,

In response to your question regarding suicide paying off a life insurance policy, the answer is yes and no. In order to avoid question regarding suicide paying off a life insurance policy, the answer is yes and no. In order to avoid people insuring themselves to then commit suicide, there is a clause stating the policy will not pay off if the act took place within two years of activation of policy. I enroll employees in medical and life insurance for large companies, and thankfully we've not had anything like this ever happen. But as you can imagine, attempted fraud is very common. People enrolling in a benefit and not having the foresight to read the fine print, trying to game the system. Much like police, we deal with cases on a daily basis,

so not hard to figure out who is legit and who is not. So, in other words, if you're going to play the game, you can straight up kill yourself, but you've got to wait two years. There's a cooling off period between buying the policy and then killing yourself. Because I've always thought about if I was going to kill myself, and as of this month, my term life insurance policy is over. I had it for 21 years, and I decided that that was going to be long enough time to insure my life. And now, uh, that, that I would be financially in a position after 21 years that my wife wouldn't need a million dollars. Uh, she told me recently she would still need

a million dollars. So there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing I can do about it. No, so there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing I can do about it. No, if I were to, if I were to sign up for insurance now, it would cost like $2,000 a month that I was paying like less than a hundred dollars a month for. Yeah.

I know. Well, there's a Russian guy who can get you a Bitcoin on the, on the cheap. I think that's one little safety net you could have. Yeah. That sounds solid. Nikolai G says, if Mike still insists on saying that Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle were canceled,

even though they can still sell out any venue they want, could we perhaps use a different term? Maybe something like partly shunned or tsk-tsk-ed. Okay. Oh, my God. For everybody, including Nikolai, who might be the Russian that sold the Bitcoin. Yes. There's a difference between canceled and the, we're talking about the effort and that like, it's basically view it as impeachment. They've been impeached. That means there's the process of trying to get them out of office.

It doesn't mean they've been erased. It doesn't mean that, you know, like they're, you know, even Louis C.K. Was he canceled? Yes. There was a massive effort to cancel him. Efforts, protests outside of his shows. Can he still fill clubs? Yes, he can.

He has that following. But in pop culture, they're trying to remove and discredit them. That's what a cancellation is. Yes. It doesn't have to be fully successful. A person doesn't have to be driven to starvation and ruin. It's also like Louie has daughters and they had to deal with, you know, a lot. I don't know what they dealt with, but I would imagine that as teenage girls that was not a pleasant thing to go through and um nor was it to look this isn't to excuse every anybody's behavior but uh a cancellation is a is the spirit of it is like even joe rogan like there's still a spirit of like that he's tainted a little bit now that that people have gone after him and they they've soiled his reputation and that's going to stay with them that's always going to be an asterisk next to him because people and again not not supporting or excusing just pointing out that

it's a process it's not an eventuality totally um and on that note congratulations to Louie on his Grammy win yeah congratulations Louie and that wasn't even this last hour which is so strong it's pretty unbelievable

and he doesn't talk about it at all he just does comedy but the Grammy was for two hours ago although the specialist called sorry i know i know and he comes out we've talked about this to like a rolling stone so you know obviously there's shades of it but in terms of material he's not talking about it um he references it slightly but as an aside i forgot what the one he just won the grammy for was sincerely louis ck i think it's called yeah i think you're right

and and he did talk about it there a little bit yeah well yeah and i had i had some problems with that a little bit the way he decided to frame it, like about asking permission, because the premise, whatever, we don't want to get into it. All I'm saying is this new era is stronger than the one he just won a Grammy for. Yeah. And by the way, Roman Polanski's got a new film that's real good. You guys should check it out.

Hey, did you, wait, did you see the movie Fresh? No. I shouldn't have recommended it. But too many people were like, don't look up anything, just watch it. And it's not good. I did watch the whole thing, but it's it's it's pretty funky. But it relies too much on this one hook it has. And it reminded me of the movie. And I can't pronounce the name, but Ex Machina, maybe?

Oh, I love that movie. Oh, that movie was great and very similar to Fresh, by the way. By the way, speaking of Fresh, I just buzzed my hair, shaved it back. I'm up for a role. G.I. Jane 2,

my agent just called me. Nice. Yeah. There's a's my agent just call me to look at nice yeah there's a lot of chatter about that movie did I bring this up on the last podcast that I think it would be

genius if the producers of G.I. Jane 1 actually went ahead and wrote a script for G.I. Jane 2 and cast Jada Pinkett Smith in it

and make Chris Rock the producer why not yeah we'll get to it in entertainment news but will smith i don't even know what that punishment is but all right we'll get to it we'll get to it um also andrew wyatt in the correction section says i'm sure i'm not the only one correcting you from last week's podcast about how many games were left in the tournament. So I'm just writing to let you all know that I also noticed that you're a fucking idiot.

Love what you two do. Thanks for your hard work. Thank you, Andrew. Oh, sweet, Andrew. I don't. Didn't we say there were three games left? I thought so. All right.

Well, I thought we had that right. But anyway. And then Eric from Duluth says, Don't know if anyone mentioned it, but Fox News is a separate entity from 20th Century Fox, so Disney has no play in the Caitlyn Jenner thing. Solid point. Solid point. A lot of Disney, sorry, a lot of Fox was bought by Disney,

like including The Simpsons and all that stuff. But not Fox News. They kept on. They kept a hold of that. And also the channel Fox. But 20th Century Fox did go over there. I don't know. I mean, yes, I was wrong. no incentive because disney definitely has incentive to you know they don't want fox to

have a the worst name it already has it already has its issues but anyway but he's right uh he also goes on to say defcon levels go from high to low so one would be imminent nuclear war 10 would be like all of us picking daisies, singing fish songs. Yeah, they talked about that in the movie, I think, Don't Look Up. They had a little funny run on that. That is counterintuitive. You would think like, dude, we just went from DEFCON 4 to 5, and that wouldn't relax me.

Meanwhile, it should. Yeah. All right, I'm going to give you scenarios. You tell me which DEF CON level it is. All right. Okay. Oh, wait, by the way, in the New York Times, they have a mini crossword every day.

One of the mini crosswords was, like, was it urgent or now? Doing something now? I think that was it. Yeah. Anyway, and the clue was ASAP. And I called bullshit. ASAP doesn't even promise soon. It's as soon as possible.

I know I've gone off on this, but even the fucking New York Times gets it wrong. Like, that's a very misleading clue. It's not now. There's no urgency to ASAP. I think the caps throw everybody off. Anyway, it's kind of like DEF CON. Go ahead. Give me a scenario.

Let's see. There was a 5.0 earthquake a mile offshore from Venice Beach. What size? Five on the Richter scale. All right. Well, I'm going to put that at DEFCON 10, which is totally chill because I feel validated. Finally. Finally, the earthquake I've been waiting for.

All right. So I'm smiling. Marjorie Taylor Greene is drunk and on her period and she just walked into santa monica that's a dumb con a dumb con three she is a dumb con dumb cunt three yeah deaf cunt that's a Defcon 4? Oh, boy. Here she comes. Defcon 2. All right. I got some dates coming up tonight.

As I said, La Jolla Comedy Club. Defcon 4. Spokane Comedy Club, April 14th through 16th. New Orleans at the Howlin' Wolf on April 21st. Defcon 2 at the Howlin' Wolf. Lafayette Club 337 the next night. Plainville, Massachusetts, a casino on April 23rd. Denver Comedy Works, April 28th through 30th.

Tacoma Comedy Club, May 19th through 21. Irvine Improv, May 27th through 29. And Bakersfield, California at The Well on June 11th. Get your tickets at FitzDawg.com. I got to make some money, Mike. Man, you're on the road a lot. Well, what happened was, you know, I've had health coverage through the Writers Guild for many years.

And it ran out because I have not been able to get a writing job because of my gender and my race has worked against me it worked for me for a long time it was fucking sweet that's the thing now it's like i mean i i feel sorry for the white guys i know this is a weird thing to say but like they're just not put on a list. Just like I felt sorry for anyone that wasn't on lists before that, which was non-white people. So it's like, but it's tough. Like, uh, they're, they're paying the price for us. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, I'm glad I saved some money because I, now I'm paying my own health insurance. You know what I pay for health insurance every month?

Oh, no. $2,800 a month. No, you don't. Yep, $2,800. You should work at Starbucks. Go get a job at Starbucks. I know. I know. Jesus Christ.

Wait, what about Obamacare? Doesn't that do anything? I don't qualify. You have to make less than a certain amount. I'm in that middle range where i don't make enough to have twenty eight hundred dollars roll off my back easily and i don't make too little where i get help that's crazy amount to pay for insurance you probably won't use for a long long time yep uh speak but if you want to feel good, though, Mike, let's feel good for a second.

Spring is here. Spring is here, and nothing makes me happier than when I see my lawn spring to life. But I also want it to spring to life in a healthy way. I don't want chemicals because I've got dogs. Sunday is the company that brings you pesticide-free grass fertilization. It's safe. It's a no-brainer. It's easy. It's pre-mixed.

They've done the research on your climate. They've done the research about what type of soil you have. It can't get easier. Yeah. And, you know, 90 million pounds of pesticides each year are put down on lawn. Sunday's different. They use things like molasses and iron, all kinds of like natural stuff. Seaweed. Um, and, uh, and it's all done specific to your lawn. You give them your address and they can tell what in your climate and what is in your soil and they custom make it.

I've been using it for two years now. My lawn, I look like I live in Ireland. I walk on my front lawn. I start doing little, uh, Kaylee dancing and I drink. Is that what happens? Yep. All right. But it is a no brainer.

Why should it be like more work? Just get better rewards. You also, because they figured it out, at least in our climate here is we have, we tend to have sandy soil, by the way, here in Southern California and Los Angeles. And they've honed it in. So you use less water because it's such an efficient system feeding your lawn. Well, listen, right now, my listeners and your listeners, Mike,

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$129 for the end 20% off the whole season. Last night, after veto, I wound up in a place, not making this up, the drink was $24. No. Cocktail. Damn. In Santa Monica. Are you serious? So, I mean, literally.

I mean, I'm over 20% of the way there with this discount. Yeah. Holy shit. Yep. And did you buy a round or did you just buy your one drink? No, that is true. I bought two. And it didn't agree with my soil. It wasn't.

They didn't do all the figuring out of what I needed. And that's probably why I have a headache today. and it's probably why I have a headache today. Well, if you're looking to please your woman or your woman is looking to please herself, who is it? Buy them a $24 cocktail. Buy them a $24 and then drag them home and throw a little Dame on them.

Oh, Dame. I got the package. It's a women-founded company. They make sex toys that close the pleasure gap. Because here's the thing is women are not experiencing orgasms to the same degree that men are. That's what studies are finding. And we need to even that out. Men, step it up.

Women, help yourself. Women are four times more likely to say that sex is not at all pleasurable in the past year. I mean, that is so sad to me. I know I pleasure my woman. She was not a part of this survey, obviously. Well, I imagine Aaron had to become in the last year a little more vocal. Like she would she ask you, like, please throw a move on me. Do you guys use the same vernacular? Yes.

We both are in the 1930s. All right. These toys. Okay. The Eva. Can I talk about the Eva? Talk about the Eva. The idea here is it's a hands-free toy that couples can use.

It's not solo time. And it has little arms on it. I don't know if that's what they're called. It's this thing, and you put it inside. And anyway, it's pretty crazy. And it's not like they have instructions like I looked at it first. I'm like, all right, how does this work? So anyway, it's pretty great. And it's for hands free enjoyment. All I know is I got they sent one to my house. I gave it to my wife. I went to Pittsburgh for the weekend. I came home. She didn't pick me up at the airport. Let's just say that's how good it is. You come home.

She's completely dehydrated. Hasn't left the bathroom in about three days. She's crawling. Why don't you go to your comedy store party? How long? Okay, come back at 3 a.m. When are you leaving? 9 a.m.?

Okay, have fun in La Jolla. I'm good. Yeah. Honey, can you change the sheets, by the way? So listen, it bends to your needs. It can cover solid Volvo real estate. They're soft, by the way, and they're very, oh, here's the other thing. Man, when you get these things, it's like, you know the packaging on Apple products. Yeah. It's like the sexiest. It's like, so, you know, it's so cool. It's so precise.

And it's like, Tiffany can't even like top, like, you know, the design and the style of it. And that's exactly what this feels like when you don't want to go to a sex toy shop and stand there browsing next to a guy who's got on a leather a leather shorts and a dildo in his mouth. Defcon 1. Come on. You want it just sent to your home discreetly. Right now, 15% off your first order by going to dameproducts.com slash papers. That's dameproducts. com slash papers for 15 percent off.

Have some fun. Do it. A hundred percent. All right. Let's get to the front page. OK. Jesus. It's 41 minutes into the podcast and we're just getting to some news.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Wow. All right. Found this story. Author of How to Murder Your Husband, charged with murdering her husband. What?

Yes. How did she not see that coming? Nancy Crampton Brophy is 68. It's always three names. Killers. Always three names. You're right. So she was arrested last week in the killing of her husband of 27 years, a two-named Daniel Brophy. And the guy, I'll get into where he was shot. It was at the Oregon Culinary Institute. So she wrote a blog post titled, How to Murder Your Husband.

And she meticulously detailed the pros and cons of various methods. Guns are too loud. Poison may not work. A hitman might rat you out to the police. The jury tasked with determining whether she killed her husband is unlikely to hear about any of that. Oh, they've been they've dismissed it. Wow. Judge in Portland, Oregon, ruled on the first day of the murder trial that it would be unfair for the attorneys in the case to talk about her essay. In it, she said she thinks a lot about murder because she's a romantic suspense writer. So the court documents said the 63 year old husband had been shot twice. Once in the back

as he stood at a sink filling ice and water buckets for the students. And then a second time in the chest at close range, the bullets penetrated his spine and pierced his heart. Um, his wallet with cash and credit cards was found with him and there were no signs of robbery or forced entry. found with him and there were no signs of robbery or forced entry. Damn. And she wrote all about it. Write all about it. Did you see my new blog about how to not pay your buddy money from a bet?

What? Yep. Wait a minute. I'm not saying I'm not going to pay you. I just wrote a blog about it. It's an invisible. I can't even connect that story to why I still haven't been paid. Right.

Unfortunately, her blog post was not called How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It. She's now, by the way, writing a new blog, How to Break Out of Prison. Again, inadmissible when she hops the fence. That's right. So here's the thing. I read details about it. I don't know if she did it. It seems weird to say that. Really? And here's the smartest move. If I wanted to kill my spouse, I might actually write something about how to kill a spouse. Because then when it happens, be like, do you think I would have written that if I wanted to kill? And more than that, do you think after having written that, I would have the balls to kill them?

Right. Hide in plain sight. Hide in plain sight. And I told you, though, I've already told you, I told everybody the way to kill a spouse? Right. Hide in plain sight. Hide in plain sight. And I told you, though, I've already told you, I told everybody the way to kill a spouse, especially a woman killing a husband. Very briefly, it's you wake him up. You say there's a noise downstairs. First of all, there's a gun in the house. You have to own a gun. You're paranoid. And then he's bothered. He's like, what? Can you just go down and check the kitchen while he goes downstairs the woman calls 9-1-1 that's key you have to be recorded so while 9-1-1 is on you tell them

everything that's going on he's downstairs i think it's this and it's like well we have a gun 9-1-1 will probably be like put the gun away you're like go fuck yourself and then you go to the top of the stairs like oh my god i think they killed my husband now they're coming up the stairs and you shoot your husband as he comes up the stairs wow and you have all of it on tape you have to do the play by play why not just uh divorce them and take half the money because you get all of it if you kill them oh that's true come on i've lost a life insurance policy yes i can't believe i didn't kill you four weeks ago if you were gonna kill somebody how would you do it like if you if like in terms of pure pleasure would you choke would you shoot would you how else can you Would you knife somebody?

Which way would you do it if the person you hated the most in the world that you want to kill, how would you want to do it? I'd probably talk about gubbins for a few hours. No. What do you mean pure pleasure? I mean, I think I would really enjoy choking. There's a couple people I can think of that I would like to choke to death. That's the most visceral one, isn't it? Yeah, that's why. I want to see their eyes bulging,

and then I want to see the eyes suddenly go slack and feel the life leave their body, the existential moment of struggle to nothing. Wow. Wow. their body the existential moment of struggle wow to nothing wow yeah this is inadmissible by the way huh this is inadmissible well now right you're kind of it's like this is your blog like now now i think you actually can go out right and choke someone to death because only a lunatic would do that after stating it so clearly all right all right next story people stunned as paralyzed man communicates after several months he was in a coma and his first words that he communicated were he wants a beer paralyzed man who has been incommunicado for months you don't have to read the headline

and then read the exact same thing again in the story, right? That's how all news works. Uh-huh. But there's some details. Let me skip to them. He was only able to communicate after electrode arrays, A-R-R-A-Y-S, were implanted in his brain by medics. And he was suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease, who I've already referenced today.

And the doctors had to perform surgery to enable him to communicate. Now, I think it was a little unclear exactly what he was trying to communicate because I saw the transmission and I thought it was have the nurse put her sweet cans in my mouth. Oh, so it wasn't beer. It was a 1940s reference to breasts. Got it. Well, yeah, he's a little disoriented. He doesn't know what year it is.

He doesn't know how time works anymore. He could have traveled backwards. Right. And he said he wanted to lick a muffin. A muff, not a muffin. Why are they bringing him a beer and a muffin? He wants cans and a muff. Yeah. I think a smart beer company would jump on this and make a commercial out of it.

Like reanimate Lou Gehrig and have like Lou Gehrig with a Heineken when you want to get back into that sweet, sweet coma feel. Heineken. And then he's kind of shaking a little bit. Maybe that's what does it. Maybe that's why he was old timey with the reference to cans. Maybe Lou Gehrig's disease also brings you back to that Lou Gehrig time. Maybe that's why they still call it Lou Gehrig's disease.

Right, right. Certainly there's been more famous people recently who have died of ALS. You want me to pay $10,000 for this? Why, it should only be $45. Exactly. America's great again. All right. This is your story.

Crazy. all right in the late your story crazy late maryland rapper gunu g-o-o-n-e-w gunu quite literally received the weekend at bernie's treatment this past sunday gunu 24 was shot in a parking lot in prince george's county maryland and died several hours later his family believes he was the victim of an armed robbery they They had a celebratory event at Washington, D.C.'s Bliss Club, which was billed as the rapper's final show. Gunu's apparent embalmed corpse was propped upright. It sounds like good news. Good news.

Gunu's apparent embalmed corpse was propped upright and on full display during the event, adorned with a crown and designer clothing. A rapper named Black Fortune, who attended the event, confirmed that it was Gunu's actual body and no wax figure. He added, as long as his mother was happy, that's all that mattered. I think more than that matters. Yes, I think so. And then they they then mounted his head at the booty basement

nightclub what why was his mother happy that her dead son was on display like in a table service booth like a bottle service booth like what's going on there well when you're a mom, you don't want your son to be gone. So maybe she felt like, I don't know. Maybe the whole event was on him. Like they would just remove one ring at a time to pay for drinks. So they had to bring him. He was their cash cow. Yeah, right, right. Also, by the way, I heard leaving the club, he was robbed again.

They stole his crown. Yeah, yeah. That crown was not staying the club, he was robbed again. They stole his crown. Yeah, that crown was not staying on him. Shot and robbed again. Yeah, and now they're thinking Black Fortune might be... It's a perfect name for this whole thing. Mom, this is my friend Black Fortune. Poor Gunu. um now this is a crazy gunu this is a crazy story because i just saw this yeah it's sad as hell um and i i know i've read it in the past but now i think he's been uh a father who lived in his

daughter's dorm room has been convicted of sex trafficking forced forced labor, tax evasion, and money laundering after less than a day of jury deliberations. Twelve years ago, Larry Ray moved into his daughter's dorm room at Sarah Lawrence College, which is a very prestigious women's college, very, like, pro-feminist, empowering, female studies. Not a lot of dads living in dorm rooms there when he got there he met a group of friends who had their whole lives ahead of them for the next decade he used violence threats and psychological abuse to try to control and destroy their lives he exploited them he terrorized them he tortured them let me be very clear larry ray is a predator, an evil man who did evil things. I guess this is the judge talking. What is going on? How dumb was his daughter? Was she in school college for 10 years?

I don't know. But over a period of years, he sexually and psychologically manipulated and abused a group of college students. He exhorted extorted paying payments from victims after getting them to make false confessions he drained their parents savings opened credit lines and sold real estate ownership to pay ray he also directed the victims to do unpaid labor for him and earn money through prostitution he collected sexually explicit photos and other information to coerce the girls to commit more commercial sex acts. He collected millions of dollars of forced prostitution. I mean, it's crazy. It's crazy that he could get them to do this.

I literally I can't get my my kids friends to clean up the bonus room after they have a party. It's because you don't have enough nudes of them. I got to see nudes. I got to go through their phones. So wait, can I move to Michiganigan is that what this is saying i can just i'm already paying for a dorm room there right yeah why not yeah and uh this is crazy geez yeah yeah i mean and what's so crazy is this isn't like bum fuck community college. This is like strong, empowered women. These are the women of the future. And somehow they were exploited by this guy, Larry Ray.

This guy, that's a troubling name. This guy has outdone. Do you remember that New York Times article a few years ago? It was about it was, I think think called 11 year senior or 12 year senior. Now a guy in Wisconsin figured out how to game the system and it's a state school and he was in the state school and he kept delaying enough credits to graduate. And he was in his 11th year in the dorm, like, and in the mess hall or whatever it is, the cafeteria getting, getting like the full like room and board on the state. Why was he getting free tuition? No, because the tuition was very little,

especially because he only had a couple of credits left or whatever. I don't know all the details, but it was this article. It was interesting. Wow. Yeah. And then Chris is writing that it was Bert Kreischer at Florida. Yeah, he was known. Well, Rolling Stone did that article on him as the biggest partier. Yes. That's how Bert got his start. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. John, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene has thanked her colleague, Florida Congressman Matt Goetz, for defending her as, quote, a man after talk show host Jimmy Kimmel joked about getting actress Will Smith to slap her. Quote, Matt, I'm really grateful for you as in your character and as a man that would stand up and defend me as a woman, because we need to recognize that women are the weaker sex and men are stronger than us. During his monologue, Kimmel criticized Green for calling senators who voted in favor of Judge Katonji Brown Jackson's confirmation pro pedophile. Where is Will Smith when you need him? Kimmel said,

forget Will Smith. Where's OJ when you need him? Yeah. Pro pedophile. That's a fair assessment. She, she filed a report with the Capitol police against Kimmel calling the comedian statements, a threat of violence.

Kimmel then hit back at Green, mocking her with a tweet that read Officer, I would like to report a joke. So wait a minute. I can't believe this baby filed a statement with a legitimate

concern about the threat of Jimmy Kimmel. Like, isn't she the one who's always like, don't do this frivolous stuff, like man up, like, you know, you can see that even in her comments, like don't be a pussy, like don't, don't hide. But when she accused the left of doing some move like that. Yeah. They want it both ways. Of overstating the threat of someone who will never, ever really be threatening to you. I know they paint the left as the people that are scared all the time and then and then they do this and they're they're afraid of needles

and they're afraid of gay people being talked about and how that's going to affect their kids you know um they're terrified they're terrified they to buy guns. I don't need a fucking gun. I'm not so scared. I need a fucking gun. Right. And a big truck. Not yet, anyway. Soon. All right, let's go to entertainment.

All right. Are we skipping Good News for Gubbins? I guess we talked about it. I kind of covered it already. Yeah. Okay, Will Smith banned from the Oscars for 10 years. The board has decided for a period of 10 years from April 8th, so they didn't even backdate it. So I think that's going to mean that's going to include the Oscars of that year as well.

Anyway, he shall not be permitted to attend any Academy events or programs in person or virtually, including but not limited to the Academy Awards. Will's response, quote, I accept and respect the Academy's decision. And that's it. Wow. Who cares? He can still be nominated and he can still win. Yep. The Academy. It's a whole PR dumb event where a bunch of actors in the industry and the movie studios have gotten together because it's a three to four hour advertisement for movies where they all award themselves during that time. It's crazy. And the big studios, you know, promote and publicize

and they spend millions of dollars trying to get these awards. So the smaller films don't have a chance because they don't have the deep pockets to promote. No, it's terrible. Yeah. And self-serving does no justice to what this thing is it's crazy

so now black Twitter is calling it racist are you serious yeah they're saying like you know they didn't do this stuff to Harvey Weinstein when he was accused of all this stuff over the years Roman Polanski is still can still receive Oscars.

He hasn't been kicked out of the Academy. Well, Smith can receive Oscars. I think maybe their problem is it's the same punishment as those criminals. I don't know. He did do something criminal. I'm not comparing it. When you belong to the Academy, you get the screeners. You get all the movie screeners every year.

I wonder if he'll get those. Oh, Will's not going to get those. Yeah, that could be a problem. Maybe his kids will now. Yeah, his kids will get them. It's such a bullshit event. Keep in mind that it airs on ABC, which is owned, and this is the family of companies, Disney, Marvel, Fox Studios, 20th Century Fox, Pixar, Lucasfilms, Searchlight Pictures, and Hulu.

So that's the outlet that airs the Oscars. Like, talk about just this incestuous, ridiculous event. Yeah. So anyway, whatever. Poor Will. Yeah, poor Will. I mean, he... Do you think it'll last 10 years?

Here's the bottom line. The guy was at a work event. This was a work event. These people are all employees of a small number of companies and they are cohorts and they work together. And one of the workers physically assaulted another worker. And 20 minutes later, he got employee of the year. worse, really, a standing ovation. Yeah. By many. By most many, I guess.

I want to go back and see who stood. Did Bradley Cooper stand up? Bradley Cooper consoled him in between the commercial breaks. I know, I do know that part. But then I'm wondering if Bradley stood up. I don't know, but I know, what's his name, gave him a hug. Who's the guy who produced Summer of Soul? The band leader for Corden yeah yeah yeah no of course from the roots and all that uh quest love but i'm not cordon um uh you're you're confusing with reggie watts no yeah quest love so um yeah i don't know i want to go back and

see who stood what a a ridiculous thing, honestly. Yeah. If you're in that room and you saw that, which must have been the most bizarre thing, and then you're giving him a standing ovation. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. It's like they just ignored what just happened. Hunger Games and Sucker Punch star Jenna Mal malone is it malone or maloney i have not seen this story so i'm uh i'm like the listener right now go ahead she confirmed on twitter that

she was involved in chasing down an alleged dog abuser in la on april 5th the actor saw a man kicking repeatedly a small dog and yanking him up in the air absolutely choking the dog malone said she yelled at the man to stop choking the dog. He did not. I got out of my car to try to get to the dog. He started running. I chased him. I saw other people watching, and I signaled a man in an orange vest to run and chase. Everybody ran with me. After another block, I looked back where there were five other men pursuing him. After another block, I looked back where there were five other men pursuing him. As reported by NBC, a brawl erupted six blocks from where Malone Chase first began after a group of men started beating the alleged dog abuser.

Malone said she did not see the brawl herself, but was told the man did not give up the dog without a fight. The cops came, took the guy. I waited with dog until another cop came and took him to the hospital. The dog was covered in filth and looked like it had been, uh, hadn't been taken care of in months. Hmm. So this actress didn't give a standing ovation to the person who was hitting a dog. Exactly. Just when they hit another human. Yeah. Huh. Okay. He's now banned for 10 years from Sunset Boulevard. I wonder, this guy probably feels lonely, though, after losing his dog.

Maybe I'll give him mine. That dog and that guy's care. Right away. Oh, my God. I did see, by the way, I saw this video. Here's the weird detail you read, and it's my first time seeing it, that she signaled a man in an orange vest to run with me. That's why I never wear an orange vest out in public. People will just think I'll help. Yeah, exactly. Orange vest signals that I'm here for you. How can I help you? I have some authority somehow because i'm wearing an orange vest right it's like that at

airports you see somebody with a vest on hey how do i find uber where do i pick up my uber ride what are you why are you asking me i just chase guys who abuse dogs don't you see the vest that would be a really good way to uh kidnap people is to just wear an orange vest and they go, hey, can you climb in my windowless van and help me get this mattress out? Sure. I've got a vest on. Well, that's why impersonating a police officer is so serious. It's like, what a breach of trust. I mean, it's incredible. What a breach of trust. I mean, it's incredible. Yeah. By the way, do you think that if a man was hitting another man, you would get the same number of people chasing him down the street to stop him? A hundred percent. No. I mean, so the outlet I saw this on, it's some Instagram post that I shouldn't follow, but it's called like Los Angeles streets or something like

that. So it's very, you know, uh, very pro pro. They really want to crack down on the, on the crime in LA. I guess I think that's the agenda. This, this site has or whatever. So anyway, I saw it on there, but you see tons of human on human violence and everyone is just ignoring it in their cars so that's that you're right it would not have happened 100 not that's what me i would jump into that shit i love jumping into stuff like that i love it also the blood can't stand your maroon wardrobe that's right that's why i wear it best fighting. That's your version of a vest. Grateful Dead and company has no, has made no official statement as to this being their final tour.

The band said in an official statement in response to a report in Rolling Stone that said anonymous sources had confirmed the group would cease touring in 2022 on Twitter. Bob Weir, who's the guitarist seemed downright puzzled by the claim. Quote, news to me, he wrote. I think everything is news to Bob Weir at this point. Oh, yeah, yeah. Other things that are news to Bob Weir? We have electric cars now.

Joe Biden is president and Jerry Garcia died. All news. Yeah, exactly. I think I'm done seeing them now that I saw J-Rad and other bands. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Bert Coleman, who I ran into. Oh, so I went to Billie Eilish.

I took Olivia to Billie Eilish. Oh, nice. How was that? It was very good. I mean, she's really impressive. She's 20 years old and to have a catalog like that already. She sang to track a little more than I'd like and I think it'll be interesting to see where she goes from there. But ran into our friend Bart Coleman who was there

with his daughter. Oh, nice. Yeah. He told me, he's like, once you see J-Rad, he has not gone back to dead and company. Wow. It's like too slow. When's J-Rad back? I know. We got to figure that out. Let's figure that out. They're playing down in the beach festival, I think. I think Michael, Mikey told me that. We have to see. But anyway, we'll look him up. Denman, you want to research that for us? And maybe we'll fly you in for the concert. J-R-A-D. Let's get to it.

I'm fading. All right. Florida man. Wake up. Wake up. Florida man. Arrested. Why?

Of course. For having a baby alligator and drugs in his truck we should by the way tampa florida wfla that's the outlet that i got this story from we should it should just be tampa man i don't think we lose any stories that's true there's a lot and i had a therapist who i was doing zoom therapy with during the pandemic, and she was in Tampa. And one of the reasons I stopped talking to her was that she was in Tampa. And I'm not making that up. I literally looked down on her for being in Tampa.

And I thought, how can I be getting legitimate help from somebody who lives in a place that has fucking alligators in pickup trucks? Yeah, exactly. Oh, man, I had another story. Now I lost it, I think, which was... Shit, man, where did it go? Anyway, let me read this story because we started it. So, Tampa man was arrested on multiple charges Friday after the deputies conducting a traffic stop

found a live baby alligator and illegal materials in his car. Now the news story I wanted to compare it to, God damn it, was this guy was pulled over and gave the craziest excuse in Florida for speeding. Found it. You ready? Yeah. Here was the transcript. He was speeding. Officer, do you know the reason I stopped you?

Driver, yeah. First of all. I love it. Officer, how fast do you think you were going? 40? Don't even. 50? 50?

50 in a 30. i'm so sorry i'll need to see your license registration proof of insurance so at this point the driver keeps saying he's sorry and he pitches for documents and the officer goes the worst part is you ran that stop sign as well because you didn't see me sitting there didn't you and he like, I was looking at this thing. The officer goes, so you were looking at your dash while going 50 in a 30. I was trying to get it off. It was in sport mode and I was trying to get it out of, I just got this thing. Okay. And he's like, the officer goes, sir, I literally saw you run the stop sign, make a left, then hop, then hop on the gas. I was sitting right at the intersection. I'm so sorry, sir. So your excuse was, so now the driver abandons the sport mode excuse and he cites a phantom vehicle. I saw a car coming and you didn't because I was sitting

right there. The driver's like, I saw a car coming and I wanted to get out before them. You hopped on the gas and you took off. I'm so sorry, sir. He goes to that again. So anyway, at this point, it appears the driver's out of bad excuses, says the article. And he has resigned himself to getting a ticket. But no, he's got a new idea. He's about to employ the nuclear option.

So this is the driver. Listen, I just found out I'm trying dot, dot, dot to tell you the truth guy. He calls him guy. I'm trying to tell you the truth guy. I just found out that Putin said he's going to launch a nuclear thermal war against the world. By the way, this is all recorded on the cops audio that Putin had said he's going to launch a nuclear thermal war against the world. And I was trying to get back to my house and find out what was going on. I needed to get back to my house and cover myself in tinfoil. Right. So I think it's like, you know what?

Just get a baby alligator. Just first of all, you can claim it's your comfort animal in Florida. I think baby alligators are a comfort animal. And, uh, and then just, you don't need any excuses. The cop sees what's going on. You don't even need to talk. I like the different tacks. That's genius. When I was in acting school, they said, that's the key to good acting is what's your motivation. And then you use the lines as different tacts and strategies to get what your objective is. And that's, that's like a perfect exercise for that guy. But the balls on this guy, cause he,

he knows what kind of cop he's dealing with right out of the gate. How fast do you think you were going? 40? Don't even 50. Like you already see what kind of cop you have, right? Yeah. And yet he doesn't deter him. He keeps trying, as you said. I just got a fucking ticket mailed to me. It was a picture of me running a red light.

And the sad thing is, is how happy I look in the picture. I look excited that I made it through the light. So for a while, when I was on dating apps, I put the red light cam picture of me on the dating website. And it was definitely an icebreaker. People are like, is that a red light cam photo? And of course, I would just write back, yellow light cam, exclamation point, 10 exclamation points. And then I would never hear from the women.

Yeah. They don't want a guy with a sense. They all say they want a guy with a sense of humor. And then they get one and they get scared. Yeah. They also want an edgy guy. What's edgier than this? There's a photo of me breaking the law.

Oh, wait a minute. May 15th, Redondo Beach Life Festival. That's the beach festival I mentioned. Wait, May 15th. Am I around? I am around. That's a Sunday night. Wow.

Should we go? Sunday night. You're around? May 15th. Wow. Should we go? Sunday night. You're around? May 15th. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's make it. I know there's tickets floating around.

Let's make it a Sunday Papers event. Whoever wants to go, email us. We'll meet up. We'll all take shrooms. We'll get Rosie's Bagels. Strong start for breakfast. That's good. Don't forget Rosie's Bagels if you live on the west side.

They're doing well. They got a lot of business from our plug, apparently. But it also is word of mouth. When you have a good product, it's just exactly why crack dealers gave out the first bits for free. Get it out there. Let your product do your selling for you. That's why i put out instagram videos of my stand-up people get it and they go holy shit this fucking guy look at this guy

jeez thanks for the free sample i'm high as a kite greg let's do some sports okay all right well i think it feels like ancient history but so the last three games you guys owed it was there were six more unders and overs and And the last three games, the first two games were unders. Which, first of all, I'm a little pissed off because last week people heard me on this podcast say, let's double the bet on the last games. And they were going to be $200 bets, which would have made me break even if I won all three. And then all of a sudden there's chitter-chatter on a text chain, and this guy doesn't know about that. And then all of a sudden there's chitter chatter on a text chain. And this guy doesn't know about that. And then all of a sudden it gets confirmed.

It's not $200 a game. It's $100 a game. And then I win both games. Yeah. You would have been in the same place though, because the, the finals was a massive under, but I let you out.

You were depressed. You had also taken, you had accidentally overdosed. Yes. But I let you out. You were depressed. You had also taken you had accidentally overdosed. Yes. I took a half a gummy, which I thought I thought gummies were 10 milligrams. So I somebody had given me I shouldn't even say this, but a fan gave me like some gummies. And so I just grabbed one and I chewed half of it and I put it in my pocket to bring to the game in case anybody else wanted gummies. In case you wanted the second half. And then I look at the package and it said 25 grams per edible.

So I had eaten 12 or 13 grams, which is way more than I normally take. Two and a half to five. So you were couch locked next to me. Yeah. It is such a massive low scoring game in the first half and you sadly turn to me and say i'll pay you fifty dollars now to get out of this bet because we had a hundred we we bet a hundred dollars on that game and i i i said yes but it wasn't just totally out of sympathy. I actually, for the first time, was rooting for an over,

and it felt so good. And I actually thought one of two things could happen. There was so, it was such a fast-paced game. That's why the over-under was high. It was such a fast-paced game, and they were constantly missing. And I'm like, if just half of those misses go in in the second half, they could score a ton. Secondly, it was a really close game. And I thought there was a chance for overtime, which would send it to an over. Yeah, it almost went to overtime. But anyway, so I'm

going to pay you $250. I'm going to pay you cash. So instead of owing me $300, you owe me $250. Right. Not bad. You're welcome. Let's talk about the Masters. Well, you have to tell me. I've never watched the Masters. I don't know what's going on. So Tiger, I read some headlines.

Tiger made the cut. So he's played every single, he didn't take a few years off. He took 14 months off. But the thing I read said it's his 22nd consecutive qualifying for the masters well the masters didn't happen last year oh no it happened with no crowd last year um i think two years ago it didn't happen maybe uh maybe maybe it did or they delayed it one year to October or something. Anyway, just qualifying, he may not have played, but he may have qualified.

Oh. Because the Masters, to play in the Masters, there's a bunch of different ways you can make it in. The top six players on – no, the last six people to have won the masters get an invite the last six players to win the u.s open get an invite the top four amateur players in the country get an invite so there's like a long list of ways to get into the masters so he is a previous winner enough times that i think he just has a standing invite to the masters i don't know about that but i literally don't know

about it um all right so he did well from what i read on the qualifying right he did very well they he um he shot one under par on the first round and then uh on thursday and then friday i think he was even. He had five bogeys or four bogeys in the first five holes or something crazy. But then he birdie, birdie, birdie, birdie later on. So he ended up even, I think, for the day. How is he even walking? It's incredible.

He said the issue was not whether or not he could swing the club. It was whether he could walk to the ball. It's a hilly course. It's a long course. And it's windy as shit, which probably makes it more difficult to walk. But he's making it. He's swinging great. He's putting well.

He's making some mistakes, but he's recovering well. And we'll see what happens. Man, does the crowd want him to win. It's not going so well for him today. He's plus three. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, that sucks.

So he's plus four. I don't know how to read golf scores. He's plus four, and so next to his name is T33. That means he's tied for 33? He's tied for 33rd place, right. Okay. T is how many you're back from the leader. I don't understand.

Then it jumps to T39. Because there's a bunch of people that are all four over. So anybody that's four over is tied for 33rd place. And then it jumps to the next number up, which is 30. If there's five people it whatever i got you i got you i got you no no i do get what you're saying right now i see it all right they didn't he should really for the walking he should have taken a cart but i think people are afraid to give him a cart because he'd flip it

uh well in case anyone was wondering what's more boring than golf you just heard it talking about golf but hey no let's talk about wordle now so i'm oh man my wordle how are you really gonna do it did you see want to see mine yesterday here it is i'm gonna show it to you i'm not spoiling anything unless you're one of those weirdos who... You can't do it a day later. It resets at midnight. Let me see. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Go ahead. Describe what you're seeing.

All right. Pull back a tiny bit. So the first guess, you had four out of five letters in place. Four green letters, and I'm just missing one. You had four out of five letters in place. Four green letters, and I'm just missing one. And it's S blank A-R-E. You then guessed, so you guessed sore, which I don't even think is a word. That was my first guess. So the O was wrong, right. So the O was the only one wrong.

Second guess was stare. Wait, pull back a tiny bit. Come closer. Oh, second one was stare. pull back a tiny bit uh come closer oh second one was stare third one was spare fourth one was share fifth one was scare oh my god it was fucking scare but that's just like saying yes see worth it there you go we topped golf talk with a word old talk. I got it in two. Oh, you bitch. I got today's in two. You did?

Yeah. Nice. So I also nailed Cordell with a three, four, five, six. So anyway, here's the thing for non-golfers that actually I found interesting. So I took up golf this year. And we went to the Valley. And I like getting, you know, I walk with the bag. We do nine holes here. Typically we played 18 in the Valley and I decided to walk and it was kind of hot, not that hot, like in the eighties. Holy shit. Did my, uh, game fall off the last three

holes? I was way more tired than I realized. And then that's when you guys tell me, you know, the average walk distance on 18 holes is six miles. Seven miles. Seven? Yeah. Well, maybe eight for me since I'm zigzagging in the woods looking for balls. Yeah. But that's not to be underestimated. And you made a joke about him taking a cart.

Do you remember that one guy? I think he had one leg leg but he was really good and they asked they petitioned if he could have a cart but no carts are allowed in professional golf casey was that his name that's what denman just wrote yeah there's no carts allowed in golf none of that bullshit and they did not allow him the handicapped player whatever the word is now for that disabled other enabled i know they've been arguing about that a lot and john daly wants one so that he can carry his beer that's so anyway this tiger woods thing it's also the walking seven miles. You know, like it's every single day, you know. Do they ever play 36 in the Masters or no, just 18?

Sometimes if there's a rain delay, they will play the holes they didn't finish the day before. So they'll go out and play. I don't know if they ever play 36, but they will play the remainder of the round plus another 18. You hear all my questions because I'm new to it. Are there rain delays or lightning delays? I think it's lightning delays. Yeah, they play in the rain.

I think to a point. To a point. So let's do some science and health. You got it, pal. So let's do some science and health. You got it, pal. The FDA said it was looking into... Bless you.

Jesus. Put a mask on. The FDA said it was looking into reports of stomach illness possibly linked to Lucky Charms cereal. Since April 1st, more than 1,000 people across the U.S. have posted about gastrointestinal symptoms. Many of the reports mention vomiting, diarrhea with an H, stomach cramps and green stools. So it used to be pink hearts, yellow moons,

orange stars and green clovers. Now it's pink vomit, orange piss and green stools. How is the news story? The FDA said it's looking at reports that some people ate Lucky Charms with no stomach pain. That would be a headline. That's the story. Yeah. Yeah. Some people ate leprechaun food and didn't shit a fucking rainbow an hour later.

You have candy that can stay good for about 12 years, doesn't expire, and then you're adding milk into it and jamming it down your throat. I just think we have to use our resources for the FDA and whoever

else. Let's use the resources for people that are trying to be healthy. If green leafy vegetables have an infection, yeah, let's use the resources for people that are trying to be healthy if if green leafy vegetables have an infection yeah let's work on that but if you're shoving a fucking multi-colored sugary crappy cereal down your throat it's on you asshole legally they may be forced to change their name to lucky harms so they're gonna drop the c and then the warning is on the box. Let's see. Who should we use for a spokesperson?

What about an animated alcoholic who is... Mischievous, actually. Isn't he like running around? He's like the charms. Right. Oh, my God. All right.

This day in history. Yes. April 10th, 1970, Paul McCartney announces the breakup of the Beatles. Wow. They spent the better part of three years breaking up in the late 60s and even longer than that, hashing out who did what and why. By the spring of 1970, there was little more than a tangled set

of business relationships keeping the group together. Each of the Beatles was pursuing his musical interests outside the band, and there were no plans in place to record together as a group. But as far as the public knew, this was just a temporary state of affairs.

That all changed on April 10th when ambiguous Paul McCartney's self-interview was seized upon by the international media as an official announcement of a Beatles breakup so anyway it goes on to this crazy uh self-interview but um that was it man I thought they broke up in like 71 or 72 I didn't realize it was 70. Jesus. Yeah. Well, after Let It Be, you know, they went in,

even though Let It Be was the last one released, they went in and recorded Abbey Road. After, you know, the documentary we saw, they went in a few months later to start Abbey Road. And you hear a lot of those songs, you know, in the documentary for Let It Be. Right. And it's just amazing how much they did in such a short period of time i mean they were they were really only famous for like six years right

five or six years i think the band was six or seven years total yeah i mean in terms of putting albums out yeah it's it's ridiculous yeah god damn so So it gives me, all right, here's a weird way to look at it. So I'm very impressed with Billie Eilish, right? Yeah. And I, earlier in the show, said it's really impressive that she's 20 and has this catalog. So her first album, which they wrote all of them, I think, in her bedroom in her parents' craftsman or wherever she and her brother Phineas. But anyway, her first hit or song

that popped, she wrote when she was 15. So she's 20 now. It makes the Beatles even that much more impressive that she would only have one more year left. You know, like, yes, the Beatles were not 15 when they started. But by the way, they were not far from it. And they were totally broken up when all of them were still in their 20s yeah

George Harrison was 26 when they broke up wow god who do you think had the best career post Beatles I know everyone talks about that well uh you know Paul McCartney uh i think you know john lennon uh i mean i think nothing tops imagine in terms of what what what song yeah and well and the album imagine i think no no i don't think any beatle topped the album imagine for sure but then i would i would i would guess Ringo had as many pop songs as anybody else, though. He had a lot of hit pop songs. He wrote them? Oh, yeah. Yoko didn't write Ringo's songs as well.

You know, she co-authored, imagine. So I'll tell you what, in terms of Christmas songs, John Lennon, the most amazing. McCartney's Christmas song is a piece of garbage. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's the worst drivel ever.

Yeah. All right. What do we got? Let's do a letter to the we just we're going to just do one letter to the editor this week. Oh, OK. You want to read it? I don't really do that, but okay. Is this setting me up for something?

I thought you put this in. No. Oh. You've mentioned several times how you wait to return home. Oh, this is to me. How you wait to return home after three days away to evacuate your bowel. That is not good, dude. Yeah, I've talked about that. I never shit on the road. What do you wait? I maybe just didn't listen or didn't believe you. Yeah. What are you talking?

I don't consciously not shit on the road, but I find that if I'm in a hotel room for three days, I'm checking out. I'm looking at that toilet roll. It's still got the triangle on the tip. I just don't shit on the road. You know, my body doesn't trust toilets. Your body doesn't trust toilets? Yeah. Okay. This guy has good advice for you.

So he said, the solution is easy. Use a glycerin suppository. My mom used to call them soap sticks. You buy them at the pharmacy. They come in a small box. I used to be a flight attendant, and they helped me when I was crushed for time to get the pipes moving. I don't mean to be too graphic, but I think you should know how fast and effectively they work. Just take it from the paper.

Glide it inside you. The longer you can stand keeping it inside you, the more effective it will be. So it's like sex. Aim for 30 seconds. like sex you will be so happy and more productive i promise you thanks for a good show today enjoy your week and see you next sunday so there must be something more than glycerin your problem isn't that it's stuck up there no i think what she's saying is like if you if you when you get home if you want to get it out right away. No, but what's up with this soap stick?

Why is it instigating movement? I don't know. I guess it's for people that have, what do you call it? Constipation. That's not really your thing, though, in a way, right? No. You don't have to go. No, maybe she thinks I want to go on the road,

but my body's not letting me. But I don't really care. I come home, I take these long shits. They feel fantastic. I got my bidet at home. I miss having the bidet when I'm in a hotel. I like spraying at the end. It's nice. I thought you bidet at home. I miss having the bidet when I'm in a hotel. I like spraying at the end. It's nice. I thought you hated the bidet. I know, but I've gotten addicted to it.

It's a love-hate relationship. Here's what Chris just posted. The product is used to relieve occasional constipation. Glycerin belongs to a class of drugs known as hyperosmotic whatever laxatives. It works by drawing water into the intestines. This effect usually results in a bowel movement within 15 to 60 minutes. Nice. Really what I think is going on

is if you play with your ass, you're going to shit. There I said it. I'm a doctor. Okay, let's do a quick obituary. All right, if we have to. And that's all, folks. Gerda Weissman Klein was an author and Holocaust survivor who just passed away, so technically not a survivor any longer, who was profiled in the—

It was the long con of Hitler. Got her. Profiled in the Oscar-winning 1995 documentary One Survivor Remembers. She was a native of Bilsko, Poland, who was invaded by Nazi troops when she was a teen. Family was separated, sent to concentration camps where her parents and brother were killed.

Klein herself barely survived three concentration camps where her parents and brother were killed. Klein herself barely survived three concentration camps and a forced death march. And when U.S. troops liberated her group of prisoners, she weighed just 68 pounds and was severely malnourished. Klein and one of her liberators fell in love.

And after they married, she immigrated to the U.S. That dude liked thin checks. I hope she stayed just as thin for him. Oh, yeah, I know. A year later, he's like, honey, you're kind of packing them on. I got a little runny. You're like 90 pounds now.

Anyway, she immigrated and published her memoir, All But My Life, in 1957, became a classic and was adopted into the HBO documentary One Survivor Remembers, which won a primetime Emmy Award and the Academy Award for Best Documentary Short Subject. She continued writing. She published children's books. Children's books. And Barack Obama honored Klein with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. So it's just incredible. I mean, when you think about what

people went through and then they went on to be prolific and the spirit that they carried with them to spread the message. And I mean, it's just amazing. Some people just, they didn't give up. They kept fighting. Well, Chris thinks it's all fiction because the premise is that she was in a non-existent holocaust. Yeah, how is it a documentary if it's a fantasy? By the way, the scariest children's book of all time. Right. All right, let's cheer up. Let's cheer up with some funny.

Okay. Hager is at a castle and, oh boy, guess what's happening? There's a king and his wife standing in the balcony, and boy, is she shit in her pants, because you know what happens next. And Hager says, your guards can't protect this castle. And the king says, you are greatly mistaken. And then Hager says, I am not mistaken. And then the wife goes, yes, you are. We and he and then hagger says i am not mistaken and then the wife goes yes you are we don't even have guards and then the king's like shh they're gonna rape you

how come they never put that line in i think they wait for us to add it we know what's gonna happen look at the look at his troops they're smiling the guy looks horny listen no one ever uh i don't want to blame the victim here that's all i'll say but she she did not help matters no she's not helping matters at all yeah tell him you have guards tell him you have guards lockhorns this week leroy is talking to his friend who seems to be some weird race and uh loretta's talking to his wife and leroy goes no loretta's not a chatterbox more of a chatter barrel is that a is that a fat joke i think so well it could also be referring to that she has more chatter uh that more chatter that can fit in a box. So she's a chatter barrel.

Not one of their strongest ones. No, and I went through the whole weeks. It was a bad week. That guy, I think we are led to believe he is an African-American. But what hair on that guy. Interesting hair, interesting mustache. He could be Middle Eastern. Who knows?

He's like the Eric Griffin of the funnies. He really is like Eric Griffin. You're right. All right. Family circus. Holy crap. So the whole family's in church and they're leaving. And the little the little shitty boy is looking up at the priest.

And the quote is, we like the sermon part best. That's when daddy gets to take PJ outside and mommy gives us mints. So this is one of the worst ones ever. What? It's, and that says a lot. Really what it should be in the quote,

he's looking up at the priest, he's like, I know you made me swear to secrecy, but can I tell them our little secret? That's what I would have written. Can I tell them the secret about our alone time together? I know that you really are Jesus Christ, so everything that happens between us is sacred, but

can we chat about this? Blondie, fucking Dagwood. Listen to this. He's sitting in his chair, and it's a different chair this week. They got a new chair. It's like a bright blue chair. And, of course, who's sitting in it while Blondie stands at the fucking stove with an apron on and like a day-glow green top with her tits popping out.

And Dagwit says he texts her. Oh, no, he calls her. And he goes, hi, honey. I just wanted to check and see when dinner might be ready. Well, then why don't you get the fuck up and walk in the kitchen? All right. And she goes, 10 minutes, but why did you FaceTime me about dinner when I'm right here in the kitchen?

Ready for this? He goes, actually, I was hoping maybe you could just bring it to me. And she goes, we need to talk, dear. Please. Oh, it's over. Please let that be a sign. Please let that mean the fucking wall is crumbling. And she's finally taking a big step back and looking at her life.

Yeah. You'd be FaceTiming just to see what the rack is up to. That's right. Hot stove. I wouldn't be FaceTime. I'd be standing next to her always. I would help her stir. Oh,

I would, I would take that fucking apron off and stick it on my face and sniff it. The apron. Okay. All right. All right, Mike mike we've completed another sunday papers boy i had very little energy i apologize for no you were great you were fantastic oh stop and i and i also really didn't because i i planned on writing some jokes last night, and then I was drunk. Oh, boy. So it didn't happen.

It didn't happen. Yeah. Don't forget, support our sponsors. Go to getsunday.com slash papers20 to get 20% off on Sunday. Also, don't forget, if you want to get a little excitement in your lady's life, or maybe you are a lady. What kind of lady are you? Take 15% off your first order by going to dameproducts.com slash papers.

We want to thank Midcoast Media, all the fine people over there, Key and Chris and Beth who put the show together for us every week. And I guess we'll see you next week. I'm going to be somewhere in Washington State. Are you going to be in L.A.? I'm not, actually. I'm going Thursday. Oh, yeah.

Nope. Ooh, that's going to be tricky. Thursday I go to Nashville to see Wheeler Walker Jr. Oh, you're going? Yep. Oh, that's awesome. Going to the Ryman. And then he invited me to stay over Friday because he has something going on Friday night.

And so then I'm coming back Saturday. Okay. So we're going to have to figure out when we're recording next week. Yeah. All right. Maybe Friday. Yeah. Okay.

Good. All right. Well, we'll talk to you then. Or Wednesday. Could do Wednesday. That would be an early one. We've done that before, though. We have.

I think we did it two weeks ago or something. Yeah. Okay. This is the time where I say take it eesh. That's it? That's how you're going to say it? Take it eesh! Take it eesh!

All righty. Sunday. Ha it easy. All righty. Sunday. Oh. It's Sunday. Sunday. Sunday Peepers with Greg and Mike. Sunday Peepers with Greg and Mike. Sunday Peepers with Greg and Mike.

Sunday Peepers with Greg and Mike. Sunday Peepers with Greg and Mike. Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday.

It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday.

It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. It's Sunday.