Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 110 4/17/22

Episode Date: April 17, 2022

Mike gets an aggressive TSA pat-down on his way to a Wheeler Walker Jr show in Nashville. Ted Cruz will not felate a man to end world hunger, Cuba Gooding and Gary Coleman and a 28 year old girl dating Al Pacino are this week’s pervs and AC/DC helps in the operating room.

Sunday papers, forget about it! If I catch you watching anything that ain't the Sunday papers, I will blow your brains all over the walls, and your mother won't stop crying until the day she dies, and you ain't gonna have an open casket funeral. You stool-pigeon- You gonna clap, fella? I'm gonna clap it in in five, four, three... There it is, and I have to somehow clap with my three, two.

There it is. The weirdest looking clap ever. All right. Are you going to read? Read all about it. Read all about it. Hear ye, hear ye. Coming in from Spokane, Washington, and Nashville, Tennessee.

It's Sunday Papers. Unbelievable. We're all around the country bringing you the flavors of you, the Americans. I'm in beautiful Nashville. I'm loving it. Holy shit. Never been. What's going on?

So you went and saw Wheeler Walker Jr. You flew in Just to see Wheeler Walker Jr. Do a show And to have a Seder dinner With his family tonight Wow

Does Wheeler Walker Celebrate Well he's a man of the people Oh I see So he's Yeah Get this His album came out at midnight wheeler walker jr's album came out at midnight last night uh east coast time it is number one on itunes

no and there's lin-manuel miranda with the soundtrack to Encanto at number four. Wow. Wait a minute. So is that people buy albums? You can buy the album on on iTunes. Yeah. Yeah. Seven ninety nine. Why would anybody buy an album anymore? I know. Right. Because what what you're thinking memberships and stuff yeah i just assume everybody's got like spotify or pandora or something i mean that's what what's the purpose of buying it i guess i don't know the answer to any of these questions uh let me go to apple music is it always available doing it i want to

support our good friend wheeler walker jr but uh that is weird um there it is yeah it's uh it's on apple music i mean right out of the gate track one beaver fever fever fever and then fucked by a Boy, which was every song. All right, so I'm in town because I saw him at the Ryman Theater last night. First of all, the Ryman Theater is unbelievable. You just feel it in there. Ryman Theater used to be the home of the Grand Ole Opry, right? The original home of it?

And before that, in the 1800s, a church. Wow, okay. And then one of the guys inside told me a story story so i don't know if it's true but i'll take his word for it that uh it was part of the grand old opry from i think 40 something to 70 1970 something and then abandoned because the grand old opry moved and i'm and i should know the name, it's right here in Nashville, but their own home here in Nashville. And they, it was like abandoned and then it was going to be demolished. And I mean, it's right in the middle of downtown, this church. And then it wasn't Emmylou Harris.

I think it was Emmylou Harris, actually. It was Emmylris then uh did a fundraiser not for it though but she did some concert there and just that concert raised enough awareness that people are like we have to save that place that's amazing i think the same thing happened to the apollo i think it was going to go out of business. And then, um, yeah. Uh, Tiffany Haddish came in and saved it. Is that a joke? It's a joke.

No, I don't remember who did it, but I think it was like, well, they found Tiffany had her sleeping in the Apollo. And then, uh, what does that mean? She slept famously slept in her car in Los Angeles.

Oh, oh, right. Right. I just saw her. I just saw her guest hosting for ellen degenerous this week on her show ellen's not even doing every show with like two months left in her daytime career i think she's um i don't know what she's what's the next step in ellen degenerous's

career i don't know i mean maybe being nice to people could be could be she's looking for change maybe being nice is not showing up to her own set and torturing her fucking employees for the day so the rhyming okay so it's this giant sing-along now i am seated i mean we went together as a family i'm ben's uh, Wheeler Walker's family loves me. And so I walk in and I'm sitting next to Wheeler Walker Jr.'s mom. So sitting next to Wheeler's mom during the concert, because it is nothing if not a giant sing-along. And at one point, our mom and dad were like, honestly, we're the only people in this whole building that don't know all the words. And, uh, for good reason. So all of a sudden,

anyway, there were just some that like, I'm like, you know, I should remember this for the podcast tomorrow, but it's like, um, uh, better off beaten off is one of the songs and so the lyrics are sick and tired of the same old lie rather be unzipping my fly pull my dick out and i start to cry jacking off with tears in my eye and so this is her son and then uh summers in kentucky comes which is a, just a gorgeous song, objectively gorgeous. When he sent, he sent me the demo of that. Um, and I was like, please, I go, I know you don't want to hear this.

I go, just make it a little bit cleaner. I go, and if this was a clean song, number one song on the country charts, it would be in movies. It's amazing. And like, and I think you've heard it before, but it's like, yeah, it's beautiful.

Sneaking out of my house. I was just 16. Met you on a dump. But we messed around until our feet got cold summers in Kentucky. They were hard to beat. And it's everyone singing along. And even as you hear it, you're like,

God, you could see it in a, in a soundtrack for a film. It's everyone singing along. And even as you hear it, you're like, God, you could see it in a soundtrack for a film. It's just so beautiful. Next line. And by the way, everyone's singing along. It gets to this line and it's like the place gets turned to 11 on the on the volume with the sing along. You used to press your pussy up against my mouth. Now you've had a couple of kids and it's all stretched out and i mean thunderous yeah yeah yeah yeah sitting right next to his mom yeah exactly

and then but it was great it was great and um good and the rhyming is unbelievable i mean i walked around for a long while looking at everything and like then there's a neil young little section where i didn't know this jonathan demi shot neil young in there and it's it's famous for its amazing sound also wow and then also exciting news before you got on this zoom call you were on another zoom call what was that yeah from my hotel wait no first we should talk about that we both flew out at the same time you want to you want to we both were flying out of lax at the same time on thursday you want to walk us through your experience okay so because i have a titanium uh right hip i have

to go through the thing where you put your hands up and it scans you the little like the little room you go and i can't go through the normal metal detector because it goes off and whatever i don't know why they just can't pat me down so anyway i go through that thing and it actually shows some things that they have to pat me down so the guy goes can you stand right here sir and put your hands up and we got to pat your back down and your chest and everything so all of a sudden he starts fighting that and then i feel these two hands on my ass and i'm like whoa but it's not that far from where my hip is so i'm like i guess they're really this is definitely the most thorough one but i didn't blink also i could feel how fucking loose and flabby my ass was and i I'm like, well, if I tightened up now,

that would be too obvious because this guy, this guy was really getting in there. Like the phone was going now towards my hole and it was like working its way in. So I didn't lose it. So I didn't tighten up. I'm like, fuck it,

man. Yeah. Search me. Fine. And then all of a sudden I hear like, dude, I turn around and it's you and you're howling laughing. Dude, I was squeezing your ass so fucking hard. I was down.

I was down in the crevice between your fucking taint strip and your asshole. Cause I was like, you didn't say anything no i'm incredibly embarrassed because like you saw i have zero boundaries you're just like an la sheep you think a guy from fucking nashville would have put up with that at the airport but you have to understand the other guy is going through my chest at the exact same time. Like, I can't believe you didn't get in trouble. You got down, like, on a knee and fucking dug your hands into my ass. And all the people that were waiting for their luggage were standing there staring at me going, what's this guy's deal?

And I just took it. You just took it. Like they double team you at TSA. Like two guys do one guy at once. That doesn't happen. I was hoping it was a woman. Yeah. Which is not allowed.

Turns out it was. Oh my God. That was really funny. I mean, and the odds of us being at the exact same point in security at the exact same time. And you not noticing me and me not noticing you until that moment where we're fucking,

I'm literally standing next to you. You're standing there with the maroon hoodie you're wearing right now. That's right. And also with the mask on, you dress very ordinary. You know, you're wearing jeans and a hoodie and i can't fucking tell if it's you and so i really hesitated because i was behind you and i was i was 90 sure it was you but i still committed i was like fuck it imagine if it worked you would not have lucked out with someone who took it like that that's incredible all right so my god tell us about

your zoom call from before uh this i think i think it's public news now but i've been lucky enough oh and someone wrote in some letter like what does mike do exactly i don't talk about it a lot and i haven't truth truth be told i also wasn't that busy the last two years just developing stuff but i hate talking about that because everyone's developing something you know what i I mean, truth, truth be told, I also wasn't that busy the last two years, just developing stuff. But I hate talking about that because everyone's developing something, you know what I mean? But anyway, I got hired on a legit gig, getting paid. And it's a Netflix special. And it's going to be David Letterman.

It's six shows. He's going to do a little stand up at the top. I mean, I guess you could call it a monologue in a way, except it's not going to be topical. So it is more stand up. And then he's going to bring out a young comic and he's going to interview that comic for like 20 minutes. Anyway, six of these, I think it's part of the Netflix comedy festival. And so right before this, not that this is a letdown at all, but in the box where your face is, was David Letterman. Nice. Yeah. That's amazing.

And I, I made him laugh really. I know I sound like a child now, but I may, I kind of am. I made him laugh really hard at one point, but this was interesting. Okay. So he had a story. I don't, I don't want to say what it was, but he had a story about something that happened at home. but he had a story about something that happened at home. And then I said, uh, how can I, anyway, I said something at the end, I was like, Oh wait, did I say it was this? It was actually this, which is real. And he laughed really hard. He's like, well, now, now it's a story like, and really gave me credit. And he laughed really hard. And, um, and I, you know, that's, I mean, such a highlight for me. That's so great. And then, and then there was even like another tag. So I was like, uh, but still it was, you know, whatever. And he left the guys, like, you see, this thing's writing itself. And I was, and I was kind of like, well, actually, no, I wrote it.

no i wrote it i i came up with both of those so not no not writing itself but i i then thought was that his gentle way of saying like okay you didn't have to tag a tag you know like i didn't know so i just you know whatever i just smile like an idiot but uh i thought that was really funny when he said all right yeah just look at this thing it's writing itself now that's hilarious yeah uh well that's gonna be fun man what an adventure doing a project with david letterman holy shit and not only that working and i know you know him with the great mike sweeney who was you know legendary head writer of conan forever but you knew him and i you introduced me to him not that we know each other but back when he used to do stand up in New York and was wildly impressive stand up comedian. He was one of the best comics in New York for decades. He was in the he used to host at the Comedy Cellar.

He was like the in-house host most nights. And he was just always the funniest guy on the show. So great. And he was just always the funniest guy on the show. So great. One of Dave's people on the call said that she saw him doing warmup for Conan because when he stopped doing clubs for five years, in addition to being one of the giant brains behind Conan O'Brien show, he also then would just do five minutes of warmup for the audience.

Kind of like you did it, Ellen. And he's just, as you know, the most modest guy in the world. And I just want to be like, especially in front of Dave, be like, well, no, no, this guy's a stand up monster. Like you like you should like to think of him as a warm up. Not that she was saying that that was like when she saw him, but it hadn't been established how good he was at stand up. He had this joke. He's like i remember he uh he was talking to this woman in the audience one night and he said so uh what's your ethnicity and she said she's persian and he goes oh are you persian oh let me introduce you to my brother-in-law

he's from the ottoman empire and this is my friend r. He's from the Hittites. Just off the top of his head. Oh, he's so fast and smart. He didn't remember this. I go, I saw you once. And like, uh, someone in the audience started yelling and you, and it was like kind of like a heckling thing. And anyway, you handled them. And then he said something and I go, I'm not going to remember anything, but I do remember it was the, the, the, the the for the structure of it was the guy did an abbreviation and uh like maybe the initials or whatever and he goes you know that's actually not an abbreviation takes longer to say that or whatever it was kind of like you know when you say ww2 yeah it's it's much shorter to say world war ii yeah And this one was more complex than that.

And his mind just grabbed that and hammered the guy. And it was just so fast. I think he might have a law degree or an MBA or something. He was from like an Ivy League school. He's a very intelligent guy. Yeah. Anyway, happy birthday. You had your birthday a few days ago.

Yeah. It was a non-event. You are not a birthday guy. You're not a holiday guy. You just kind of flip over things. Yeah, kind of. I don't know. I kind of celebrated my birthday when we celebrated yours.

How about that? All right. That was enough. That was enough for that week. Fair enough. Well, I got to get you a present. You do not. This podcast is present enough.

I know. I'm going to get you the Wheeler Walker vinyl. I'm going to get you the vinyl of his new album. Wow. That can be done still, huh? I mean, again, I guess. Yes, I have the vinyl. I have his first album on vinyl in my office. Wow. Yeah. People say this looks, on my other

Zoom, people say that looks like an album, but it's not. It's just a piece of art. I'm staying in the Noel Hotel. It's really nice. Nice. Do you get a good deal on it? Not so much. Nothing to talk about on a podcast yeah no no special deal yeah oh the miamix deal man yeah usually if you're working some kind of angle you didn't use points no i didn't use points i just uh i got you know an okay flight on the way in here but listen last night last night, the Walker Wheeler family took me out.

I ate at the Palm. That was super nice. Some guy with a giant cowboy hat paid for the whole thing. And then tonight I'm doing a Seder dinner. And then the tickets at the Ryman, everything free. So a lot of perks. Are you going to go to Graceland while you're in town? I didn't, he got married at Graceland, but that's in Memphis. Oh, that's

Memphis. Okay. I've never been to Nashville. I'm going to, I think there is the African American museum, which more than four people have told me is a must visit. And then the country music hall of fame is really well done. And even though I am a fan of country music, they're like, you do not even have to be. It's like the history of American music. I'm guessing those museums are on different,

different parts of town. They don't share the same building. They're working on that it's getting closer it used to be three blocks away now it's two yeah um charlie pride is the bridge that's the bridge so i am in um spokane washington and yesterday uh chris denman i made a video on social media telling people I was in town Denman posted it on the social media and then he writes me hey that Tacoma

video was really funny so I'm on stage last night and in this crowd huge crowd they were awesome it was not Ryman Auditorium but it was my Ryman Auditorium and I get like a half a standing ovation and then I go good night Tacoma and literally 90% of them immediately sat down and

they started booing so thanks to Chris Denman for fucking me that's perfect yeah all right all right and then uh all right let's get into your thing that should be your thing you should do that in uh in every city say the wrong city yeah it seems like a funny thing but people really get in they get really offended by it or mispronounce it or something like that yeah well i i send you a i used to say spokane like a lot of people but i found out it's not what spokane um i'm looking at the notes up top here uh yeah i forgot also truly truly i think the guy next to me on the airplane, I send you a picture of his lower three quarters of his, I didn't send his face was homeless. I walk, I walk up. So, you know, you walk down the row and you're like, ah, is anyone in my row? Or like, you know, you're really hoping, and I think I can say this,

but you're really hoping a abnormally large person, you know, is an, I always get the window seat because I'm almost always dehydrated. So I never have to get up. And, uh, and, and which means I don't have to get up. If other people have to get up, I am just there. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to watch a movie. And he was in the middle seat and it looked like, it looked like he was camp like like he had just come in from camping and then has the a beat up blanket a big full-size like blanket and his pants are disgusting and dirty and he's like i don't know he's like this white kid i don't know how old i can't even guess how old you have the photo so we're going to post it on the uh if you're watching the this on youtube you can see the picture that mike sent me but it was wild like in other words my brain couldn't do the math on a homeless person on an airplane right um and uh and then because all of a sudden I'm like, is this kind of like the subway where he just rides planes 24 hours?

Maybe he doesn't get off. I don't know. I mean, if you think about it, what's, what's rent these days in a big city, you know, you take that same amount of money, you fly to an airport until they tell you, you got to leave the airport. And then you go, no, I'm flying out. And you buy a ticket until you go to the next airport. Yeah.

Meanwhile. Yeah. Who was it who was, oh, Doug Stanhope is so into having elite status on, I can't remember which airline he flies, but he has to, you have to fly a certain number of miles a year to have the status where you get first class every time. So. Wow. OK. It was the end of the calendar year and he was like twenty thousand miles short. And so he booked a flight to South Africa, Hong Kong, and he flew around the world for 10 days he was flying for 10 days straight to get his miles oh yeah you could also like buy them or maybe not to get to that elite they

probably don't let you like charge something on your credit card do you remember when airlines we were in college it was and i think they probably still do i guess the listeners can chime in there used to be like a pass you could buy on an airline and like almost like a year rail but you could go around the world yeah yeah yeah as long as you stayed going in one direction you could take as many flights as you wanted right in four weeks or whatever it was i wonder if those are still around that sounds great that sounds amazing i've always pictured having a perfect year like if i hit the lottery of just saying i'm gonna plan a year where i go to mardi gras in brazil and then i go to the world series and then I go to, um, you know, uh, the can't film festival. And then I go and just pick events over an entire year and, and just spend what,

I guess it would probably cost $10 million, more than $10 million. And if you went alone, that would be like a perfect year for your family too. It's almost like John Sorelli does that already, but it's with sporting events. I know. Our friend John Sorelli. It's countdown to the, whatchamacallit, Churchill Downs. Huh? Oh, yeah.

To the Kentucky Derby, which they're even talking about in Nashville already. People are like, yeah, we're going up because a lot of these people are from Kentucky that I was out to dinner with. Oh, it's tomorrow? Or I should say it's yesterday? No, it is the first week. We're recording this on Friday, April 15th. And wait, is it tax day? Today is when we're recording this tax day file that extension yeah i did i did right um anyway uh all right let's get to some news because i know you don't have a ton of time. I also, really, so next week I will load this document, because you did all the work.

I kind of haven't seen these stories yet, but let's do it. Let's do it. Let's start off by giving a shout out to Michael Solomon for the theme song, Outstanding. Thank you so much. The logo this week is from Kyle Spencer. It's our show out on cassette which is hilarious um and then corrections very good isn't that awesome yeah uh for corrections kyle lyden uh says that uh not really a correction so much as a public service announcement bed bugs are just as likely to hide inside a used bed frame as they would a mattress

I know this because I bought a bed frame once and awoke to a nightmare That is a fucking nightmare Bed bugs are no joke, man I remember Rabi got them in his house And it was because he went on a work trip and he brought and in the hotel they got on his suitcase right right and he and he brought them home and then they had to heat up the home heat is what kills them did you know that they like seal you they like seal your bedroom and then put a heat source in there and just crank it.

And then you put your clothes into the dryer for like twice the amount of time to kill everything in your clothes. I was doing a show. I was hosting this TV show for the Speed Channel. You know the Speed Channel. Oh, yeah, yeah. And so we were staying in this dingy hotel in Pennsylvania because it was like a road show. We were traveling around. And somebody on the crew got bedbugs in their room.

And so we all had to throw out all of our clothes, all of our suitcases. They just demanded that. Oh, my God. We went to the store and had to just... But we just bought all new shit. That's perfect. Brian Dougherty says, just a heads up, people in Lafayette, Louisiana,

pronounce it Laf-e-t. Tacoma. Pronounce it Lafayette, not Lafayette. Okay, well, speaking of which. Lafayette. I should announce Lafayette is canceled, as is New Orleans. These two dates, there was a ownership. They took their pronunciation too seriously.

Fuck them. You're out. You're out. They're canceled. What happened was there's a new owner, and there was some kind of booking problem. And I don't know. It's going to be rescheduled. So if you're planning on coming to the Howlin' Wolf in New Orleans

or Club 337 in Lafayette in April 21st and 22nd, those will be moved. I'll announce the new dates. I am, however, still coming to Plainville, Mass. To the Plainridge Casino on April 23rd. Denver Comedy Works, April 28th through the 30th, Tacoma Comedy Club. I am actually going to be in Tacoma

at the comedy club there, May 19th through 21, Irvine Improv, May 27th through 29, and Bakersfield at The Well on June 11th. All tickets at FitzDawg.com. Nice. Hey, Mike, I'm fighting an ape, and he's got a baseball cap and a gold tooth. That's the dream I keep having.

Yes, because people won't shut up about NFTs, and I'm over it. It takes up all the headlines it could be telling me about actual new things to invest in. Although through all the noise, I saw something that blew my mind. Oh, what is that? It was a startup that had just gotten valued at a billion dollars that enables people to invest

in real art, actual paintings from masters like Picasso, Basquiat, Banksy. It's a platform called Masterworks. They buy paintings and offer their members the ability to purchase shares of them. This sounds actually, interrupting you legitimately, this sounds like a cool idea. It's a great way to diversify your portfolio and you can get in at a price that you can actually afford. We reached out to Masterworks and now our listeners can get VIP access to skip their wait list. Just go to masterworks.io and use promo code papers. Again, that's masterworks.io promo code papers. See important regulation aid disclosures at masterworks.io slash CD. I am 100% checking that out. Yeah, I mean, it's a good hedge for inflation also. Because artwork goes up and I assume NFTs go up as well. It's been such an incredible investment.

And then now, of course, people are looking for safe refuge for their money. They're looking for places. Obviously, real estate has been it, but now people are getting worried. Now's not the time, many say places you know obviously real estate has been it but now people are getting worried like now's not the time many say to get into real estate so anyway and the stock market is scary you've been saying that for the last 12 years as you as you flush rent down and i've been wrong it's unbelievable but now i mean maybe maybe i'm wrong again, but I mean, I just saw an article about all the scary ways people are trying to afford housing, like getting in the market now, New York times maybe. And it was like, some companies have popped up where they almost don't really have ownership. Like they can live there and all that, but their name might not be on the D it's, it's crazy. That's how desperate people are to get into places that they can live there and all that but their name might not be on the d it's it's crazy that's how desperate people are well to get into places that they can't afford well michelle

vous avez besoin de acheter une maison s'il vous plaît i just told you in french that you need to buy a house and the reason i know how to say that is because i love babble i have is it going to be a casa roja a red house okay and are you going to be able to go to the baños in the casa rose oh you see it as claro it has dos baños um yeah for most of us learning a second language in high school look we all did it we were forced to do it we didn't enjoy it and like a second language in high school, look, we all did it. We were forced to do it. We didn't enjoy it. And like a lot of things about school, I look back and I go, man, what would I give to spend my day reading Catcher in the Rye and then studying Chinese history and then learning a language and then going to a gym class? Fucking don't you think about school like, God, I wish I could do it all over again now? Of course.

fucking don't you think about school like god i wish i could do it all over again now of no of course when i when i see my daughter picking out college courses around like oh man yeah i'd love to go to an expert and get uh and go to lectures and just and just improve my mind so anyway uh babble is a language learning app it's sold more than 10 million subscriptions Babbel is a language learning app. It sold more than 10 million subscriptions. And it makes it a fun way to learn the language because you do it in, you know, bite-sized little chunks, 15-minute lessons. And you can learn from 14 different languages, Spanish, French, German, you name it.

They've probably got it. So many ways to learn. They've got games, videos, German, you name it. They've probably got it. So many ways to learn. They've got games, videos, stories, live classes. Comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee. They've also got speech recognition technology. They wouldn't recognize that. It helps you improve your pronunciation and accent. Yeah. So get involved Right now save up to 60% off your subscription

Wow When you go to babbel.com slash papers That's babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash papers For up to 60% off your subscription Babbel, language for life Totally, are you kidding me? It's too easy 60% off your subscription. Babbel, language for life. Totally. Are you kidding me? It's too easy.

And you can hear my Espanol is so good. Luckily, the house had Dos Paños. If it had one and three quarter bathrooms, I wouldn't buy it because I don't know how to say that. Right. Yet. Yet. I studied it for four years in high school and two years in college. Yet I studied it for four years in high school

And two years in college And I feel like since I've been doing French on Babbel I've like actually retained more A lot of it's coming back But even the new stuff I'm learning I'm really retaining Fantastic Anyway let's get to the front page

You got a newspaper there Mike? I got a little No I got a little hospital I got a little hotel sheet that says the little perks and where the bars are. Let's do it. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! Ted Cruz is in the news. He refused to answer when asked by a Yale student if he would fillet another man to end world hunger.

He was posed the question as he visited the university to record a live episode of his podcast, Verdict. Ted Cruz has a fucking podcast? Ted Cruz wouldn't blow a guy. Assuming it would end global hunger, would you fillet another man? A student named Evan asked. Mr. Cruz dodged the question, throwing it back to conservative commentator Michael Knowles to answer, who said, I tell you, my friend, the ends do not justify the means. Absolutely, absolutely not. Are you kidding me?

What? The ends don't justify the means. World hunger and sucking one dick wait a minute wouldn't wouldn't equally if not more interesting question be would you take your own life if it ended world hunger right like if i were in a philosophy class i would expect that question meaning this is going to test the greater good for the greater number which is a giant philosophy that is what's you know that still remains in the top five answers of how should the world live uh it is it has survived centuries and so just blowing a guy so you would do it yeah i might do it if one person was hungry and it solved it

i would do it if i was hungry you know a nice nice thick protein shake i'll take it is the guy who i'm doing it to the starving man is he the one because then he's all set he's gonna get meals for life and i blow him yeah i know what a deal it's like a good date you get a meal and a blow job here's the funny thing so we're squarely heterosexual and um on let's say it is you It is, you know, a fluid spectrum. And so I would be incentivized to do it pretty well. You know what I mean? Like, I think I'd want it over pretty quickly. Good point. You would play with the balls.

You'd make eye contact. All right, easy. Whoa, wait. Whoa. Who's what? Who said eye contact? Wait, what if it was the guy on the plane? You think that's what he wants? Also, by the, what if it was the guy on the plane?

You think that's what he wants also? By the way, look how presumptuous we are. Does this guy want it? Is he taking one for the world team also? That's true. What about getting a blowjob and you have to come in the mouth of the guy that was sitting next to you on the plane in order to solve world hunger but you have to keep your eyes open and look at him the entire time he's doing it and i assume because we're on a plane he has to wear a mask during it so that's not so bad he put that little pillow over his head that little blanket his blanket his disgusting blanket.

Listen, you're ending world hunger. Honestly, what you end world hunger forever. What is there that you wouldn't do? I think that we should pose this to the kind of celebrities that did the ice bucket challenge and have them all do this like the ice bucket challenge. But do you understand what, I mean, listen, if I were Cruz, I probably would have said it seems like an inappropriate question. I don't know what the forum was. If they went into philosophy, maybe it was an appropriate question. But, you know, what you're learning is that Tedz won't do what hundreds of millions probably of people on the planet do

for pleasure right like as a loving act he won't do that to end world hunger yeah like it's it's not like you're like oh would you stick your head in an alligator's mouth like it's, it's not like you're like, Oh, would you stick your head in an alligator's mouth? Like, it's like, will you do this thing that other people do for pleasure and for love? Right. I don't know. Um,

speaking of gay, a man's hospital visit took quite the turn when doctors discovered a two kilogram dumbbell inside his rectum, the 54 year old man. And you know, he had to be 54 because you're not getting a two kilogram dumbbell in a 22 year old's asshole it's too tight and by the way as and when he wakes up in the hospital he's like is world hunger over because i did it uh the man complained of abdominal cramping and went to the hospital and x-ray revealed he had the uh 20 centimeter in length uh and weighed two kilograms i wonder if he was working his way up

to five kilograms you know because weight lifting you have to set goals all right so you you didn't do any translating how long was it 10 centimeters 20 centimeters which is not a bit i think it's a very small weight but it was like yeah but you know it's a dumbbell it's got the weights on the end so it's almost like a double tip penis no dude it's eight inches and over four pounds and he didn't complain about that he complained about abdominal pain wow maybe he's an actor and he's trying to gain weight for a part so you know these four pound things you know i broke his shoulder so you know they're the little they're the very little dumbbells yeah that are they're very little in terms of putting it in a in a grown man's hand and lifting it they're very big doing what he did with it yes yes that's a fair amount of lube that's a lot of

lube uh okay uh wow all right where was this i see he's from brazil but it was in brazil all right yeah um speaking of trans two female inmates at new jersey now all women have both become pregnant after they had sex with transgender inmates uh prison officials say the sex was consensual in both instances that's that's prison consensual last year the facility began to house transgender inmates including those who have yet to undergo gender reassignment surgery after a lawsuit bought by trans women and the aclu i thought they only did anal in prison. How are they getting pregnant? Yeah, this is a little bit of a problem. All right, Chris just said my internet is choppy. So I just turned off my mail.

I'm wondering what else I could do to improve it. Sorry to interrupt like this. Hopefully the audio is fine. Well, let me just... Maybe I got it. So if I get... Maybe I personally got a little choppy because of the four pound, 10 inch barbell.

Yeah. I might've gotten a little thrown. But if I'm going to prison, if they tell me I'm going to prison for 10 years and all i have to do is pretend i'm a woman and now i can be in a women's prison for 10 years and all i got to do is like clinger in mash or or tom hanks and bosom buddies all i got to do is don the outfit forget cigarettes and ramen noodles the new prison contraband is going to be wigs and lipstick well are you saying you're speaking for yourself but also if you're going to jail like so you get sentenced and it's you're going to be eight to ten years

with no parole uh mr fitzsimmons uh would you like to address the court in any way uh not really i just want to say that as of right now i identify as a woman yep that's it i did it i respect the judge's decision and this court this court's decision and process and uh also i am mrs fitzsimmonsons and so you may want to consider that before you send me away. Or I should say ladies, Miss Fitzsimmons. I mean, think about how many horny women

are in a women's prison because most women that are convicted of crimes, can I say this, tend to be a little bit more sexually active, promiscuous. Is that fair to say they're risk takers uh no of course not but i like it let's i go just run with it i think that the kind of women that get in trouble get in trouble they could be? Well, not all of them, but I'm just saying there's going to be a, there's going to be a cache of women that are horny, like chicks that like to get fucked.

Well, let's not talk about what got them to prison and how that might be related to horniness. But once you're in there, doesn't everybody? Yes. There's no conjugal visits most for the most part no i mean think about men the the toughest men in the country go to prison and they have sex with other men that's how horny you get when you have nothing to do 24 7 and. And you're going to have sex with somebody. And they don't view it as gay if they're on the giving end, I think of it.

Oh, is that how it works? Yeah, come on. It's almost cliche at this point. You know that, right? I don't know as much about life on the inside as you. But, you know, you're from Eastchester and I'm from Tarrytown. I was scared straight, man. That worked for me. That definitely worked for me. Although I did wind up in prison. Yeah. Jail, not prison. I was in jail and they're right. I was in jail just overnight.

I was probably seven hours and I must've masturbated 11 times. You get horny in there. You're right. Your premise holds water. Let's talk about Hitler. The Tennessee state senator. This was unbelievable. Frank Nicely on Wednesday used Adolf Hitler as an example of how the homeless can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make something of themselves. how the homeless can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make something of themselves.

He was debating a law about camping along the highway and it being a $50 fine. Quote, I haven't given you all a history lesson in a while, and I want to give you a little history on homelessness. In 1910, Hitler decided to live on the streets for a while. So for two years, he practiced his oratory and body language and how to connect with citizens and then went on to lead a life that got him in the history books. What a success story.

I can remember seeing a photo of Hitler dressed kind of like a bum and he was holding up a cardboard sign that says, we'll commit genocide for food. Who knows? and he was holding up a cardboard sign that says we'll commit genocide for food who knows the guy in the center seat next to me could be a future hitler that's right i should have had a pep talk with him that's right yeah it's it's or maybe he could have charged the cockpit and drove our plane into a building and he would he'd be in the history books that's right this is the one time where you wish people hadn't said, Hey, get a job.

I, uh, I wonder, first of all, how accurate is history lesson that he gave us is, I mean, it is a little suspects that he said he chose to live on the street. suspects that he said he chose to live on the street. He decided to live on the street for a while. Uh, I don't know if that, I mean, I did hear that while he was trying to become an artist that he might've been broke, but this, by the way, just taking it on its face value, it might not even be correct. And it might be this giant distortion now let's get to why you would ever let that thought out of your mouth audibly right it's insane yeah yeah and his name is nicely when i read it when i read it because i think i'm getting a little better at this and I was probably wrong, but it's a good impulse and reaction. When I read it, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What was happening on the floor that day?

Like, in other words, was there unbelievably damaging like evidence against Trump or against January 6th or against the other fellow, you know, congressmen or senators or whatever who might have been getting in trouble because he pulled the giant, whoa, look over here. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, right, right. Because that's what this smells like. It smells like a purposeful distraction because who could ever in their right mind say this out loud? I know.

It's like, like well the trains ran on time so they did something right it's like yeah they ran on time to the crematoriums so this guy probably lives right near where i'm sitting right now he's a tennessee state senator right and i'm right in the thick of it all All right. All right, let's go on. I'll talk to Nashvillians about this tonight. All right, let's get to some entertainment. Give us a crinkle there. Yes.

Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. entered a plea of guilty on Wednesday to a misdemeanor charge of forcibly touching a woman in a new york city nightclub in 2018 he admitted kissing the woman and uh on the lips without her consent he also admitted to two other incidents of non-consensual contacts in 2018 and 19 under terms of the plea agreement he is to continue alcohol and behavior modification treatment for six months and have no new arrests after that time he can re-plead to harassment and have his case sealed uh show me the jail time man show me the titties manhattan prosecutors said that at least 30 women had, 30 women had come forward with accusations of unwanted touching by the Oscar winning actor.

Holy shit. If I was a woman, I would have an embargo on Cuba. Gooding Jr. Yes. Wow. More like Cuba batting Jr junior is that what it is i'm just these are just jokes these are just pure lockhorn style punchline jokes oh i didn't see you road show me the titties sorry i stepped on your joke at all so um i mean luckily i didn't step on the cuba goody cuba batting junior

but but that's the amazing thing about cuba gooding is he wins an oscar and then like a lot of oscar winners his career just mysteriously shits the bed i mean he's done he's had a few good the oj thing was amazing but that was 20 years after he won the Oscar. And Chris just wrote in, when does he go on probation for radio? So I think that radio movie, which I never saw, but we wrote jokes about it at the time when I was in late night, I guess that was an abomination. So that might have knocked him down a few pegs after his Oscar.

It is amazing. I think radio was after his Oscar. It is amazing. I think radio was after his Oscar. But the same thing happened to Halle Berry. She won an Oscar and then her career kind of shit the bed. It happened to Marissa Tomei. Although I love Marissa Tomei. And, you know, Halle Berry. Halle Berry just directed a film.

But I don't know. It's so hard. You know, they always say, I think it was Bill Parcells was asked once, like, why do you think so few NFL teams repeat, you know, the next year when, especially like, you know, the 85 Bears, like you're dominating.

No one can touch you. What the hell changed in 12 months? And even when the teams stay together and he was like you have to begin with it is so so hard to win it once yeah even if you are a dominating team you know like without you know going without injuries whatever it is but like it's so hard to get that chemistry get that drive to get everybody on the same page so I think it's so hard to win one Oscar you know what I mean And it really comes down to your choices on your next projects.

Because if you choose that, I mean, you look at somebody like Tom Hanks or, or Denzel Washington or Julia Roberts, like they pick the right projects and, you know, one, one,

but, but one bad project, you look at Nicholas Cage, you pick a couple of bad ones and all of a sudden you're like a joke. You go from I don't know if you ever won an Oscar, but I mean, certainly capable of winning an Oscar. He's that good. Chris is right. You're telling me Cuba went wrong with snow dogs with Zack and snow dogs. I don't know. I think he was. Zach was in a snow one early on.

Chris is saying no, that was Out Cold. Out Cold, right. Zach was in that. That's got to be the worst when you go on location in Alaska for three months to shoot in the snow, and then the movie sucks on top of it. I know. and you know it definitely while filming or you might have even known it when you read the script but you're like how much okay uh well poor will smith he picked his projects right his next movie he you know

listen i know nothing about how good emancipation is going to be but from what i had heard he stood to win two oscars in a row yep yep and i think that i mean i think that ship has sailed i you don't i don't know because i do know technically he could still win it he's he's only banned from from attending the oscars those lame asses right so on the debut of the kardashians on hulu kim sees a meme on a video game touting a new kk sex tape she says she's 99 sure there's no new footage from her encounter with ray j but there's a level of uncertainty she says what if i was fucking sleeping and he stuck a dildo up my ass i don't know well that sounds specific why is she fighting it isn't it literally what made her career would martin luther king take back his i have a dream speech no would picasso burn woman of algiers would peter frampton never play the

kazoo while touring indian cas? No, that is your art. A dildo up your ass is your ode to joy. Would Cuba Batting Jr. take away radio? It's got him to where he is today. Wait a minute. All right. Well, first of all, a friend of mine is the executive producer of this show. And I could tell this smells just like exactly what it's resulted in here. People talking about it. It smells like a promotable,

uh, detail. Like is anyone, is there any whispers of, uh, of this, of this rumor, or is it a made up rumor? No, it was, she was responding to KJ actually said something, uh, that, that, that got out. He, he was talking about promoting something else is coming from that. She sees a meme on a video game. Yeah. I don't know. First of all, but boy, why did she get so specific with the details especially like kind of selling yourself out how wide is your asshole if you would sleep through a dildo and not wake up also his dick was just in there why wouldn't he put that back in sure what's he getting out of putting a dildo up there he could put a two kilogram weight up there maybe maybe her point is maybe it's still up there right she was asleep that's that's how

her ass got so big it's just filled with dildos and weights she can't she can't shake that weight maybe it's a shake weight that's up there uh wow this is here's a creepy story al pacino who is now 81 we have no shortage of those hey just for the record this is what happens when greg picks every story i to my to my huge discredit i did no work and next week i'm gonna load it with stories because i really screwed you this time around but this is what happens when you leave greg to his own devices oh and this is me things have gone up someone's ass hold on let's review what's happened here today two things have gone up someone's ass a ted cruz did not blow a guy a uh trans trans women in jail fucking each other uh the cleanest story is that hitler

was homeless uh what else do we got cuba's grabbing titties okay let's keep going and now we're kim's and i left out i left out for time gary chasing Molly Shannon around a hotel room trying to molest her. I left that out. Wow. I think she could take him, right? Well, she said that she didn't make a big deal out of it because he was so little. But he was like jumping up and down on the bed and like grabbing her leg and trying to keep her from leaving and throwing his arms around her and kissing her. That's insulting that she doesn't give him the same sort of threat level

as a larger person. I know. Look at Hitler. Again, let's learn lessons from Hitler today. Gary Coleman wants to be treated like everybody else. You should have called the police. Yep. It would be funny if you called the police and they show up with like little people

police. Well, that was in jackass. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah. I think, yeah,

the TV show, I think they had the little people got in a fight and then all the little people came in and break it up. Um, Al Pacino, People came in to break it up. Al Pacino, who's 81, was seen dining out with a woman 53 years his junior. So far, it's not news. Nor Al Fala, 28. So she comes from a wealthy Kuwaiti family. Previously, she dated Mick Jagger, 78 billionaire investor nicholas bergeron 60

and has also been spotted out in los angeles with 91 year old clint eastwood i guess she likes the money the limelight the handicapped parking she's good at using that pump that gets them manually uh at attention oh yeah there's some there's some viagra in her purse here's the crazy thing about this story uh and hopefully this doesn't seem sexist but i think the ladies will agree the weird thing about a 28 year old woman who sounds like they might as well be in middle school to you and me. And I can't even imagine to an 81 year old Pacino, a 70 and then a 91 year old Clint Eastwood, forget it. But 28 year old women, uh, start to feel old. Like 30 is a daunting threshold. I mean, I remember thinking,

well, not only LA, we're forgetting what we used to think 30 as. And then I also remember when I turned 30, all you do is complain about what a hangover is now. Like, in other words, it changed from something you can shake off at 10 AM and that you really earned by drinking, you know, can shake off at 10 a.m and that you really earned by drinking you know 25 beers to like i smelled a glass of wine and had a shot and i'm hungover like and then your body aches and injuries start and i remember 30 was old and so and we're guys so for women so the funny thing is they're dating some woman but i guess she feels young as hell when she's around these guys but I mean she's 28 now and she

dated Jagger and these other guys previously so she was in her mid 20s so that shoots that theory down she has been into old she's got a fetish big month what are you talking about dude did you see the episode of Louie where he's dating a girl

who has an old guy fetish and she he's fucking her and she's going tell me more tell me about retirement accounts tell me tell me about your pillbox how many pills are in your pillbox yes it was her fetish. See, a good Louis sex story, everybody. All right, so we're going to go to, let's get a crinkle here. But good for her, and she helps them. I'm sure she's the one that drives at night for them. It's great. It's a win-win.

It's amazing. Jesus Christ. I hope she gets pregnant with one of them. Let's go to sports. You got it. A woman. A woman attempted to glue herself. What did she stick inside her?

Now, this is tame. i was actually watching this game it was a it was a uh it was uh a clippers game and a woman tried to glue herself to the court oh that was a big game the timberwolves i think this is a play-in game for the playoffs excuse me sports fans if i got that wrong but i just i do know because my buddy craig kilbourne who's a giant timberwolves fan it was a big win for the timberwolves nation go ahead although some people are saying that the clippers threw that game because they still stay in the playoffs but then they're matched up with a different team that they would have preferred to play there was paul sheer had a whole theory about why they threw that game yeah wow okay um so anyway she uh she glued herself down

and then um she was protesting a global grassroots network of animal rights activists uh clay whatever she she i guess this guy glenn taylor has an egg farm the guy that owns the timberwolves has an egg farm and she was protesting it they're not free range eggs um what what is the uh okay i don't know well you should come on she went through all that we're doing a news story on it you should uh give a shout out to the cause just the opposite i think when people do that shit like on tv they didn't say what she was protesting and uh i think that they should not because it's too easy like what if i were to pro what if i wanted to promote sunday papers and i went and i glued my balls to the tennis court at Wimbledon one year. Right.

That would be disturbing on a lot of levels. But I guess I'd win. The podcast would get a lot of notoriety. Yeah. But that would be for profit. And I guess it's a little different when you really are trying to protest something that will make everyone's lives better. And in there, you know, let's this one was for eggs, I guess. You refuse to read the cause. So I don't know what it is.

I know here it is. Chris Denman has just written down. I super glued down to the basketball court to bring attention to the mass killing of chickens at Glenn Taylor's factory farm. to the mass killing of chickens at glenn taylor's factory farm okay what does she think of factory farm does and there are very few chickens that don't that live uh and they're not for human benefit you know right even if they're not killed aren't they churning out eggs at an unnatural rate for us? Yeah. And they also breed them so that their breasts are big and they end up, they can't even walk. They fall over forward because the breasts are so large.

Hey, now a couple of, saw a couple of ladies like that on the street last night. They breed them and they breed them like that in nashville too did you try to glue your hands to their tits to protest it was hey listen it was purely protest purely protest um i said listen if i do this it'll solve world hunger so i'm gonna do it all right uh let's go to uh i don't even know what category this is. A dolphin stranded alive on a Texas beach died after a crowd harassed the animal and attempted to ride it.

Oh, no. Yeah, the dolphin washed up on shore at Quintana Beach, where beachgoers tried to swim with the animal and push it back to sea. She was ultimately stranded and was further harassed by a crowd of people on the beach where she died before rescuers could arrive on the scene. So it was probably due to stress, they say. Yay, Texas. Yay, Texas. yay texas well there was other news there was another story where a dolphin attacked some worker right in how i saw the video of that yeah i think maybe they talk these dolphins are

very smart that's right that's right there was a disturbance in the dolphin universe and they could tell oh that's so sad man that's a really sad story. I know. And I saw a brain of, I was just at a natural history museum in Chicago, and they showed a brain of, I don't know if it was a dolphin or a porpoise, fucking big, like almost as big as a human brain. They're very intelligent animals. Yeah, obviously.

I think everybody knows that. And I thought, because you chose the stories this week, that some Texan dude tried to put his wiener in the blowhole. That's where I thought this was going. Well, that would have made sense. That would have stuck with the theme of the day. But no, they just harassed him. I've never swam with the dolphins.

I always found that to be kind of distasteful. Have you ever taken your girls to do that uh it seems like something you would do no no no no no especially after seeing uh the cove um i've never taken them to sea world uh i guess i did take them to san diego go zoo when they were younger. Um, but we did go to that resort in the Bahamas. Uh, the one with all the, the, the biggest like water park in the world. And they had rescued dolphins. So we did not swim with them or anything, but we learned about them. And then you put on a wetsuit and you walk into the water and then the dolphins come around. But there's no riding it or any of that stuff. And I guess I'm justifying this by.

And so did this place. What's the name of the big resort? You know, it's. In Florida? No, in the Bahamas. It's in Nassau. Oh, it's. Yeah, I know what you're's in Nassau. Oh. It's gigantic.

Something world. So anyway, they really brag about how all these dolphins were rescued either from places like that. I think they also just had a couple in there that, or they had a couple in there and one just had a baby. Sorry. That was rescued from Katrina when Katrina maybe flooded a place that had dolphins anyway whatever that's a long way of saying I've almost did the guilty act yeah of uh going swimming with the dolphins Atlantis Atlantis yes it's Atlantis thank you Chris so anyway no I don't really like that um and I remember like when I was on you know it's funny like when you go on like you don't know this but if you go on like dating websites you see you actually see that pretty

often like you not only are like you know people fishing and all that but you'll see them like swimming with dolphins and all that and that must that could rule out a lot of people, I think. It's a weird one to put on your profile. Yeah, stick to Machu Picchu. Boy, Machu Picchu, if just the women on Bumble who are pictured there, it is overrun with single desperate women. That's what Machu Picchu is. Yeah, cut out the dating app and just

fly to machu picchu they're all standing there and you probably you don't need you probably approach you want to be like you'd probably approach me to be like hi uh nice to meet you my name is greg she'd be like excuse me i'm i'm taking my photo for bumble can you please this toxic masculinity just i am to, this will go perfect either after or before my picture of me riding a dolphin. I can't tell. All right, let's do some science. Also horses, you know, going to the track or riding a horse. I wonder how that'll age, riding horses.

That's true i think i think we're not far away from passing judgment on people who ride horses when i was writing on bill maher's show christopher reeve jumped a horse fell and got paralyzed and bill maher went on his show the next night and we begged him not to do this and he goes i think christopher reeve got what he deserved anybody that sticks a bit in a horse's mouth gets on their back and kicks them gets what they deserve and he got i think the show was almost canceled over that that was such he was the most beloved human in america at that time people love christopher reeve well you say he jumped a horse but like he was a horse guy yeah tons of training he was doing like steeplechase stuff right right

like he he loved you know that's the thing he's a horse person uh he loved them uh but rode them and obviously you have to break a horse's will in order to ride it. So whatever. And by the way, I'm not saying good or bad that we're going to pass judgment on people who ride horses. But I'm just wondering if that's going to become a thing. Yeah. I think. All right, let's do some science. Science.

Oh, science. The dolphin wasn't science? Science? The dolphin was in science? Okay. A landmark academic study has suggested that surgeons will work faster and more accurately when ACDC are played loud on the operating theater stereo. A study that came out of Heidelberg University suggested the speed and accuracy is improved. The study is called Effect of Genre and Am and amplitude of music during laparoscopic surgery

and um the comparison was carried out by playing the beatles and acdc during the surgery a procedure which narrows tubes into into the abdomen whatever i mean fuck yeah Everything is better with ACDC playing. Yeah. There's that meme going around with like, even ACDC can make this shit look good. And they play the beginning of highway to hell, which is not, it's not a good, like the part they got isn't great. ACD.

I mean, there are 12 other ACDC songs that could make anything look amazing. Yes. But, uh, but this is, are they doing that duck walk? Angus is duck walk. That exaggerated shuffling does while they're performing surgery. No,

if you, I mean, surgeons are famously narcissistic, like a type alphas. And I mean the lyrics, i mean hell's bells i'm a rolling thunder a pouring rain i'm coming on like a hurricane my lightning's flashing across the sky you're only young but you're gonna die i won't take no prisoners won't spare no lives nobody's putting up a fight i got my bell i'm gonna take you to hell i'm gonna get you satan's getting you

first of all if i'm going under and it's like count backwards from 10 i want to hear the beginning of hell's bells like i do yes fucking let's do this crank ac dc and take care of me i'll see you in about 45 minutes what i don't want to hear as i'm going under is all of a sudden nine inch nails comes on no don't i'm not coming out of this alive if that's playing exactly yeah i don't want to hear any nirvana but party music yeah let's get it going and also i'm subconsciously and unconsciously going to hear this tune and it means that my blood's going to be going man it's going to be great yep yep and i love it um all right let's do this day in history. Yeah. Here we go. April 17th, 1961.

The Bay of Pigs invasion. Oh, boy. A CIA-financed and trained group of Cuban refugees lands ina and attempts to topple the communist government of fidel castro the attack was an utter failure castro had been a concern to u.s policymakers since he seized power in cuba and the revolution in 1959 uh castro attacks on u.s companies this is what happens is we were america was in cuba and it was a complete imperialist regime. We had taken over all the sugar cane. We had taken over the fruit

and we were using the Cubans as fucking slaves in their own country. And Castro, you can blast Castro all you want, but this was a legitimate anti-American sentiment. He was trying to get them to fuck out. Right. So anyway, so they, and now I'm going to get so much hate mail

about how Cuba's a bad guy. Cuba's a bad guy, but guess what? They've got a health coverage in Cuba. I'm trying to look up the quote. I'm trying to look up the quote from one of my favorite movies of all time, which is the, uh, the in-laws, the original in-laws. Yeah. So he sends shell the dentist up to his office

cause he can't go up there and he's in the CIA and on the wall, there's a picture of, of Kennedy. And I'm not going to get this part right, but it was an autographed picture from Kennedy and it said something like, we almost did it, you know, love John or whatever. So, so he gets, he gets, he gets back down there in the coffee shop and shell ass Vince. He goes, he's like, what was that? He's like, Oh that, yeah, that was the Bay of pigs. He's like, you were involved in the Bay of Pigs. And Peter Falk goes, involved? It was my idea. Yes. It is so funny. So this was. So for the longest while that was, though, that was the go-to, like, what's the worst that can happen?

Like, that was the go-to example if you needed a giant fail that was the biggest fail in american history well and that was the go-to it was the biggest known fail the cia was involved in so many lies there there is a book about the cia called um uh oh yeah mercy uh it's about hitmen right or something like confessions of an economic hitman yes yeah and and uh and there's also one called shadow of ashes and i mean we were involved in the attempted overthrow of so many countries from Indonesia to Nicaragua. And I mean, we failed on every fucking count and it was all shadow money. It was all untraceable cash. It was all kickbacks. It was all, it's, it's unbelievable. It was just this one people knew about and it was, you know, and we, we fucking left them, we left them out to dry.

Crazy. No, I know. God, I remember reading one chapter in there. you know and we we fucking left them we left them out to dry crazy no i know god i remember what's amazing is that and then that kennedy rebounded from that you know with the uh cuban missile crisis right no i know which was i just read about that recently and it was crazy game of uh chess but uh but there was also you also I read about it because they were talking about comparing it to Ukraine now and what Biden might have been doing. And now some things have been revealed that weren't revealed for decades about back channel talks like off the record. Kennedy saying to Khrushchev, like, listen, if you back out of this thing, wherever, we'll give you this. Like, in other words, and the public couldn't know about it. It would seem weak. It would seem like a give that we shouldn't.

Now you're essentially negotiating with terrorists type of feel to it. And and they're like, but it was very diplomatic. And that's what averted a world war right so it wasn't the image that we got by the way i'm i'm listening to uh an audiobook now about kennedy what's the name of it and uh and i'm i'm kind of a kennedy fanatic i've read a million fucking books about john f kennedy and the kenn Kennedy family. And this one talks about, in more detail than I'd ever heard before, this one is called An Unfinished Life by Robert Dalek.

When he went over, when he had the PT-109, that was the boat that he that was the boat that he commandeered yeah people don't understand how bad his fucking back was he had complete his his cartilage in his uh spine was like atrophied and he had a crushed fucking c3 and this dude was was in the middle of the fucking ocean his boat got split in half by uh by a japanese warship and they swam to shore and then he swam back out it was a first of all it was a five mile swim to get to shore he did it with uh and uh, and then he went and he, he saved a guy. He had his, um, a leash in his mouth that he swam for five hours with a guy attached to him that was injured that he dragged through the water. He then went back out the next night into the channel to try

to flag down help a two hour swim out swim out, a two-hour swim back. This is with a back that was in wrenching pain. And he, I mean, it's fucking insane what he did. And we think this is all true? Like his dad didn't engineer this for a future political career? No, no, no, this is absolutely true. This is 100% true. I've read about it in multiple books, and it's all corroborated.

I mean, he was with, there were 11 guys that survived with him on the PT boat and they all document what happened. No wonder he got so much pussy. Imagine if you had that story in your back pocket and you're the leader of the free world and you're handsome. Right? That's no Gary Coleman, folks. This is a hero.

Polly Shannon would not have been running away. Yeah. All right. It's time for some letters to the editor. Oh, yes. There we go. Matthew Troncholetti, who's a friend of the show, says that during Jeremy Lin's meteoric Linsanity run in New York,

I don't know if people remember that. I remember it. That was probably, what, that was like 10 years ago? I don't know. He was out of Harvard, that kid. The Knicks reported a dramatic increase in ticket sales to visitors from Beijing, which was weird for New Yorkers because usually they're accustomed to a lot of MSG in their Chinese. Hey now, he actually wrote hey now. That's a good joke. I don't know if that was a joke joke or if he thought of that, but that's very funny.

Yeah, there you go. Kiel Kennedy, does that name ring a bell? Yeah. Was just listening to the podcast and the Beach life festival which is the what's the what's the band that's playing the beach life festival the um j-rat j-rat kill of course no no dude this guy's amazing he's an amazing improv actor and do you know patty guggenheim no you you probably do she's an old friend of mine. We met on The David Spade Show, and she's a groundling. They're both groundlings, and they're incredibly funny, and they're great.

So he wrote in. I'm honored that they listened to the podcast. So he wrote in. He said, Patty Guggenheim and I would love to meet up. We both know Gibbons, her more so than me. I only met him once, but I'm a big fan of you both. Let me know if it's happening. So let's make some plans.

We've gotten a lot of emails. Another guy wrote in. Quinn Kenning is excited to go to the JRAD. He's going on about how great they are. Love it. They'd also be really fun to go with. Is she related to the Guggenheim Museum or Davis Guggenheim? She is.

Wow. Nice. And her family was, she's from Indianapolis. And so that's where they were. The Guggenheims are scattered all over the place. So her, her Guggenheim clan is in Indianapolis.

She has a brother too, Michael, I think his name is. Cause you know, there's the Davis Guggenheim who I know who's a brother too, Michael, I think his name is. Because, you know, there's the Davis Guggenheim, who I know, who's a documentary director, is, I think, not related to the Guggenheims. Interesting. Interesting. All right.

That's wild. Yeah, all right. Here's the letter you referenced before. Ike Riewitz said, I'm pretty sure I have listened to every episode of Sunday Papers, and I realized that i have no idea what mike does for a living to support himself and his two daughters what does mike do currently near as i can tell mike one does stand up one night a year two has written on

sitcoms in the past three worked on the elm degenerate show a long time ago i know that sometimes after those three? Does that mean Mike has been working on a secret project for two years now? We hear about you, Greg, traveling for standup throughout the year, but what is Mike currently doing? I hope this comes across in the tone that is intended, joking and not criticizing.

I really enjoy your podcast. I'm just curious about what Mike does. Thanks. Perfect. I don't know. I thought people knew. I kept busy over the year. I created a sitcom.

I don't know. I mean, you can go to IMDB. That lists my credits. I haven't been there in forever. I don't want to go there because it's definitely slowed down. But I told you the current project I'm working on. And then the night before you were leaving for the gig, which would have been like a three month gig, the star just shit canned it because they felt like they didn't want to do it. It was going to be between a five and six month gig total. And we were all, we had the hotel rooms. I'd say 22 or three of us flying to Martha's Vineyard.

So in summer, so we had gone through all of that. And yeah, the estimate was 600 grand was burned. So that was fun. But I did work on that for a while. But boy, I wish I could point to it and tell you, hey, go watch this thing I worked so hard on. But that is not going to happen. It would actually be airing right around now I think it was going to be airing in March or April yeah yeah I mean that's the thing about this business is when you when you're a

writer producer there are so many things and I mean we work in TV which is nothing compared to movies in terms of how slow and how bad the turnaround is and how I mean, we both know feature writers that have worked on films that have been seven to 10 years in the developing before it's ever shot. If it's shot at all. I have friends that live in three million dollar houses in Venice that are feature writers, write movies that have never had their name scroll across the screen. They worked on other people's films. They got a big name for themselves. They have scripts commissioned. They write them. They get turned around.

They don't get produced. People make a very good living not getting things done in this town as well. things done in this town as well. Having done a pilot, uh, two pilots that were, that were shot, uh, for CBS and then one went to air. Uh, I'm that process alone is so backwards. Cause one thing that happens is, uh, America has this dumb pilot system, which thankfully is fading away with, you know, these interrupters like disruptors like Netflix and Amazon and Hulu, because they're not doing the old school dumb model of this pilot season. Pilot season is basically this. I'll try to keep it brief. has written these scripts uh if they sell if your if your script is like okay uh we want to make a pilot they announce and this is abc cbs uh nbc like fox it's they basically announce it the same week so it's like everybody go try to cast your thing now and everybody's trying to cast the same people and it's impossible and casting can make or break in fact my first one we made a pilot james burrows who's the steven

spielberg of multi-cam sitcoms he directed it and and it tested really well i'm not tattooing my own horn but the answer given to me was, yeah, you just didn't have a star. You didn't have the casting. And then the second show, which I actually don't think was as good as my first one. No, it was Cuba Gooding and Hitler. And so the second one,

which may not even have been as good, well, we got casting and guess what? That one went to air. And it's because I got lucky. We got Joel McHale. CBS really wanted Joel McHale. And that means seven other projects didn't get Joel McHale because I got him. Right. Meanwhile, meanwhile, two months later, heavy odds are Joel McHale is going to be unemployed because the pilot didn't get picked up. But now he can't jump to the other ones because they've already been passed on or they weren't picked up at all.

It's such a dumb system. So anyway, getting back to your point, I can't even believe a single movie is made because the amount of coordination of getting your cast. Do they have a conflicts with other projects? Are they on exclusive contract holding contracts? Like, and then financing, I honestly don't even know how any film is made. I mean,

I don't know. I have so many friends that make films and they, and everything is set locations, cast contracts, and then the financing just goes away. It just fucking goes away. It's crazy. You know what?

Oh, my God. We didn't get the visas. And so it's just going to be delayed three weeks. Sorry, Pacino's out. Yeah. Like, that happens constantly. Sorry, you know, you guys bought this window for him. And that window now is you can't start three weeks later.

He's unavailable. Yeah. All right, let's do some obituaries all right well we just talked about a lot of dead projects and that's all folks all right this is a heavy one i think you guys know who we're going to talk about gilbert godfrey i who was just i mean in in a year where we've lost a lot of stellar talent, this guy is up among them, you know, in terms of being an original voice, a guy who really was committed to the purest form of comedy, which is what did he think? And his wild imagination and his intelligence was funny.

What made him laugh? and he put that out there unsparingly and courageously and it you know he had his fans and he had his detractors but in my book he was as good as any comic that's ever done it uh david letterman brought him up on the zoom today oh really uh he was one of dave's favorites and he was also talking about what material like he might do and one was like about his like imminent demise maybe like you know maybe you know he has like old man jokes about himself and he's like it's, it's almost too real now because we're losing so many comedians

that me even joking about dying. Like it's just another comedian. Like it's just, he's like our industry. He's like, I might want to stay away from that for right now. There was this very sad photo that somebody posted online and it was a restaurant with a table and it looked like uh four guys having a great meal together and it was jeff ross with norm mcdonald bob saget and gilbert godfrey and it just

hit me in the chest it was like wow it hit me too that jeff was slowly poisoning all of them yeah it was uh it was really sad you know and i talked to uh or i texted with the tell last night he just went to the funeral he said it was it was very heavy but it was extremely funny um i would have loved to be at that jesus i can't imagine who got up and talked at that but so wheeler Walker jr's mom, uh, last night showed me a text, uh, cause they wrote their son and said, sorry about Gilbert. We know you really liked him. And, um, and so Wheeler, you know, Ben Huffman, Ben Huffman wrote them back and said, he goes, I worked, I wrote on the Roseanne roast and I tried so hard. Like I wrote stuff for Gilbert, but you know, he, he didn't do any of my jokes, but he,

he, he, by the way, go to YouTube and watch his roast of Roseanne and his roast of Joan Rivers. They are these beautifully written. And I think Mike Ferrucci ray james had a big hand in writing crafting them but he does these stories very unroast like stories about the women that are so imaginative and wildly absurd but they're kind of a must visit well anyway oh sorry yeah no i'm just going to finish up that Ben wrote his parents back and said at the end of the roast, he went up to, uh, went up to Gilbert and

he was like kind of scared because Gilbert really was kind of a cop, one of his comedy heroes. And he just goes, Hey, listen, you know, I just want to say I was a writer on this roast. And really my takeaway from this is just, you know, that I wrote even, you know, I don't think you did did anything but just that i could write jokes for you is one of the honors of my life and it was a very like serious and i'm sure ben knowing was very jittery and nervous doing it and without missing a beat gilbert goes i told them not to show me any of your jokes nice to meet you kid that's great that's amazing yeah he was he was a character i mean he lived at home with his mother into his 40s i think and uh and and he was just such a child and he was so fucking cheap i went out to eat with him at least three or four times with you know a couple other people would never put in money for the check.

Famously cheap. You always had to pick up the check when you ate. That's right. And, uh, and, uh, so I did a podcast with him. I don't know how long ago it was. It was probably five or six years ago. So I posted that this week. If you guys want to hear, I considered it one of my better, uh, podcasts of all time. So check it out if you get a chance. One quick story about him, a personal one. So I am going to toot my own horn now. When doing The Burn with Jeff Ross, which was like a roast show on Comedy Central,

he had been fired by Aflac. He was the voiceover. And I think it was an inappropriate tweet was it about the japanese disaster the tsunami uh i think it was yeah and so it was in 2011 he was literally canceled and fired by affleck uh for that tweet and so i remember like oh my god why don't we hire him as our voiceover for the show and so we did and i thought it was a great idea so we did so anyway this is how it would go we would have the guests that week in the show so every let's say thursday morning i had a scheduled zoom not zoom a scheduled isN call, which is a high quality audio call

with a recording house in New York. And he would go to the voiceover studio in New York and we would do that. So the first, the, here's the first, how the first one went and it went this way every single week, but the first one, so he, I don i don't you know this because you were a friend of his he is an incredibly soft-spoken guy yeah actually like when you're talking to him in her you know just among friends so he'd come in and he's like okay so who are the guests and i'm like oh my god i go uh like i could barely hear him so we're in new york and we're ingesting this audio into our avid bay so we turn up the levels a lot. And he's like, so it's Amy Schumer, it's Dave Attell. And he's like, okay. And you want, and he reads through,

he's like, he's like, okay, you know, I think I got, I think I got it. We're like, all right. And Gilbert, I think, you know, it's like, you know, the burn with Jeff Ross and I guess really hammer the burn, you know, whatever typical VO instructions. So he's like, okay, okay. So we turn up all the levels, all of a sudden he's like okay okay so we turn up all the levels all of a sudden he's like tonight and it was like it blew out it blew out the whole room the the avid guy jumped about five feet in the air and it was and i had to rip the headphones out of my head but you forget it's like it seems like this winky my way that voice was so goddamn strong and a true like honed instrument yeah and he was saving it it was like i'm not

gonna play my horn like i'm not a rehearsal player like yeah well just tell me when you're rolling and you'll hear it right it was amazing that's awesome it was really amazing um all right let's cheer up with some funnies oh god here we go all right in haggar the horrible which if you don't read the sunday papers they're designed for the whole family kids can tune in and it's kind of an entree into reading the newspaper for small children so in this one there's a king and a queen and they're laying in bed and the king goes i can't seem to fall asleep and the queen says with wide eyes me neither cut to barbarians coming in the window with their dicks

out we couldn't sleep either and they're laughing And they're laughing. And they're laughing. The two guys, the two guys, there's on the left window, there's Hager and then some little flunky on the ladder with him. In the right window, it's three guys and the three guys are laughing. Because rape's funny in the medieval times. Yeah. All right. No sleeping that night. All right. No sleeping that night.

All right. In the Lockhorns, Leroy's getting out of the bed. He looks a little hungover and unshaven. Loretta looks at him and she goes, if I were you, I'd sneak up on the mirror. That's a good one. I thought, you know, she's putting on her robe. You could see her nightgown underneath. I thought there was going to be some reference to last night's performance or one. I thought, you know, she's putting on her robe. You could see her nightgown underneath. I thought there was going to be some reference to last night's performance or something.

Yeah. Then another one, she's carrying the laundry and she goes, you're not losing weight, Leroy. The elastic in your underwear is wearing out. Solid. And here's one that's super corny but i had to put it in uh they just finished eating dinner she's clearing the dishes and he goes that pasta was worth every penny come on why not why not it's i don't really know what it means but yeah a lot of word worth every penny not gonna get me yeah yeah all right but okay so what does it mean other than other than he found a he found wordplay it's just wordplay there you go all right family circus boy i wish this had wordplay in it

or any play or any funny words at all i'm not even gonna spend time on it uh they're leaving uh it says art museum you know as most museums will say the sign says art museum and they're all leaving it it's the three little kids in the front mom carrying the baby and it looks like the dad is talking they all look very unhappy maybe the baby's crying the mom really looks pissed and the dad goes we'll do the remaining 12 centuries another day oh like what just what honestly just what yeah that just makes me sad for everybody they could have had so much fun with like you know it's it's a human it the the human body is beautiful of course is gentle you know of course he's not gonna have underwear on or yeah i mean that's not even that sucks too but you could have done something that maybe turned the family off. Why were the French ones all blurry?

Something. Yeah. Something. Right. Or the go-to that the kids think they can do abstract art. Something, exactly. Yeah. All right.

Like, we paid to see that? Our refrigerator had blah, blah, blah. Yeah. All right. Well, this is a blondie cartoon and he is sitting in his blue chair with this paper over his face while his gorgeous wife sits facing away from him which i at least respect her for that she goes it's a very odd living room setup honey do you ever wish you had proposed to that attractive Margot Bardot, Margot Bardot, instead of me? And he goes, Margot was not attractive, dear. Second frame, he looks up from the paper and goes, Margot Bardot was stunning.

Oh, boy. And then he goes, sweetheart, darling, for what it's worth, I'm reading the comics and thought that would be a funny response and she goes better stick to sports dear oh water sports with margot i gotta tell you knowing his track record with getting women margot bardot probably is fucking stunning i would i need to see a pic i looked on facebook and i didn't see a margot bardot this guy is a killer with the ladies let's face it and that he could say that and keep her in the house how about that it's it's like every every douchebag guy i've known with the leather jacket and the motorcycle that treats women poorly and they flock to him, he's the opposite.

He's the opposite of a guy on a motorcycle, but he's got the same power on broken women. Blondie's a broken woman. Something terrible happened in her childhood. Finally, you admit it. Finally. It's not easy for me. Speaking of Blondie. That's why she needs all that attention.

She's empty inside. Yeah. A healthy, a psychologically healthy woman doesn't wear sweaters like that. No, definitely not. They're not taking like, you know,

they're not showing off their body all the time like that with the legs and the heels and the workouts she must do to keep her body in that shape they never deal they never show blondie working out but she's got to be she's got to be doing crossfit and ellipticals and yoga she's a narcissist come on uh george damage on the inside she doesn't think she's beautiful that's why she always has to dress up right she she thinks she's beautiful. That's why she always has to dress up. Right. She thinks she's not worthy of fucking Dagwood Bumstead. Yeah. So George from Germany,

who is not only a friend of the show, he's the guy that did the drawing that hangs normally over my shoulder on the background. Oh, yeah.

He did our logo. I recognize the look here. Yeah. GS Artworks. he did a very funny cartoon for my birthday he did a he did a blondie cartoon and in the first frame it's me and i said i finally made it into comic strip because as everybody knows my fantasy is to become animated and go get a piece of blondie and uh the next frame is me going and there's blondie's house the third frame is every comic book male you've ever seen streaming out and the last one is hagger and he goes you're

too late pop by everybody got in fucking garfield even garfield dilbert got a piece of her but snoopy and the worst is hager to hager closed he was the headliner yeah he got sloppy eights or something like that he didn't care how beat up she was he wanted in even though this is just a pencil drawing and it's black and white i'm i'm seeing that shirt you're wearing is maroon but this is really well drawn if you want to see it it will be on the youtube it really is like each one of those characters he kind of nailed yeah um all right mike well listen uh say hi to wheeler walker for me yes enjoy nashville i'm gonna enjoy nashville i'm to try to wheel a walker for me? Yes. Enjoy Nashville? I'm going to enjoy Nashville. I'm going to try to sneak in those museums.

Maybe I'll stay another day in this city. You know what I did here? Our good friends Zoe and Amber contacted me because they saw I posted something from here. And they're like, are you going to be there like Monday when we get there? I'm like, what? And I guess it's the Nashville Comedy Festival. No kidding. Wow.

I didn't know there was one. No, every city has a comedy festival now. I mean, I can't stay. I got to work Monday, but I'll look into it. Maybe something starts Saturday night that I'd be wanting to go to. I don't know. If you do come back on Sunday, Gail is having people over for Easter dinner. I think Tom is coming and a bunch of people. So let me know if you want to go.

Sounds good. I can kind of tell you I won't. But you don't like Gail? I don't like Jesus. i don't like i don't like jesus no i'm celebrating passover it seems like conflict yeah all right i alternate years i alternate years between passover and easter i think it's a fair thing to do i used to have a joke in my act when i got married to aaron that you know uh we have to celebrate Easter and Passover. So because she's Jewish and I'm and I'm Irish Catholic.

So usually in the morning we go to her family's house and we observe Easter. We observe Passover and then we go to my family's house and we observe them passing out. There you go. And then the that about sums it up. And then the variation on that joke was uh and then other years we go to our we go to my family's house first and we hide the easter eggs and then we go to her family's house and they try to hide their disappointment happy easter everybody mike that's a good thing to end on all right midcoast media thank you for the we gotta thank midcoast media first. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Take it back. Take it back. He and Chris and Beth doing a great job out there in St. Louis. Thanks for helping us out. And we'll see you next week. And now take it. Take it.

Sunday papers with Gibbons and Fitz. Sunday papers. Forget about it. Forget those other news guys. You know, they are the Fitz Sunday papers. Read Forget about it. Forget those other news guys. You know they are the Fitz. Sunday Papers. Read all about it. Oh! Sunday Papers with Gaben's and Fitz. Sunday Papers.

Forget about it. If I catch you watching anything that ain't the Sunday Papers, I will blow your brains all over the walls and your mother won't stop crying until the day she dies and you ain't gonna have an open casket funeral you stool pigeons scumbag

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