Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 111 4/24/22

Episode Date: April 24, 2022

Mike takes a COVID TEST on the air, we reveal the results (it’s not good) and we discuss sex with a lizard. A Tyson takes out a Karen, a weed truck overturns on 4/20 and an entire wedding gets dosed by the bride.    Follow Mike Gibbons on IG @GibbonsTime

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Hold on. Hear ye, hear ye. One of us has COVID. Get your news from the Sunday Papers podcast. All the information you need all week on one day. The pure system over here somehow has COVID. Unbelievable. Have you gotten it yet?

I can't keep track. I'm also now a fog brain, technically, apparently. What did you ask? Did you ever have COVID? I somehow did not catch COVID. And I think it's because I am stronger than most people. I felt that about myself. Let me tell you something, kids. So I got it in a red state, obviously. Nashville, Tennessee, baby. Yeah, I was in Nashville. And sorry about all the throat clearing in advance. So I was on the flight back, and I'm like, oh, I feel this patch.

I'll just tell this quickly so everyone knows how I got it or realized I had it. Dry patch in my throat, and I'm like, oh, I need some water. And I just tell this quickly. So everyone knows how I got it or realized I had it a dry patch in my throat. And I'm like, oh, I need some water. And I'm on a plane. I had also been in like a crazy air conditioned hotel room. So I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. But boy, it was stubborn. And of course it wasn't a dry patch. It was this like soreness. And then when I got home Sunday night, headache started. And I'm like, you know, I do have a lot of people to tell in Nashville if I have it. So I took a test and I mean, when I, so when you put it in, people are

like, wait 15 minutes. Don't look before, even if it's a faint line, I'm saying within eight seconds, glowing. Two lines are glowing like hot coals on the tester. Wow. No shit. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I've read there's a very popular Twitter thread going around by a doctor who's like same boat. Like, I managed to avoid this for two years and now I have it and here's my advice and

here's everything and that actually the over the counter tests are a pretty good indicator. And here's my advice. And here's everything. And that actually the over-the-counter tests are pretty good indicator. Like they'll test negative very often after five days where the PCRs, you can test positive. Like it can be continuous for like a month or two. So I'm going to take a COVID test. I only took that one Sunday night. That's day zero. Today's Friday, day five, and I have my COVID test right here. I'm going to take it during the podcast. What a publicity stunt this is. Mike, always

thinking what the producers had on. Maybe. I mean, I have to take the test anyway, and you're the only person that's been in the apartment, so to speak, because your face is here, with the maroon. Okay, hold on. By the way, this shirt, so to speak, because your face is here, with the maroon. Okay, hold on. By the way, this shirt,

you gave me this for my birthday. It doesn't mean you have to cover the maroon shirt with a maroon sweatshirt hoodie. You know, there's no rule. I don't know if those shirts came with rules. Do they go? Do they match? They are two different tones.

So I got COVID. I'm fucking furious. And listen, I'm kind of Mr. Liberal guy, but I am now referring to it as Kung Flu. And fuck the Chinese. Yeah, there you go. How did I not see this clearly before? How was I outraged that people would target? All right.

We need letters to the editor. Aren't the Chinese responsible for most recent pandemics? I'm not sure. I'd have to research that. All right. Look at you. You're now all of a sudden the safe one. I'm enraged. And also, I've lost at least half of my brain, according to some things I read online. But I'm furious. It's good to see you're finally on the same page as Chris Denman. Honestly, it's like if you had a neighbor on the block and the neighbor was getting everyone sick because they're trying to do their own gray water thing, but their feces is infecting everyone on the block.

Yeah, you know what happens? The block's like, you can't play around with your feces is infecting everyone on the block. Yeah, you know what happens? The block's like, you can't play around with your feces anymore. Yeah. Right? Right. Pretty obvious. Right. Isn't the world like, yeah, you know your markets with the bats right next to the hogs?

Yeah, that's going to stop or whatever it is. Also, maybe it accidentally leaked from a lab or intentionally. I'll take any of them. It's still from China. Maybe they're getting us back for importing our fast food and making them all fat and dying of heart disease and fucking diabetes. All right. Here's what I read, which was comforting. And I read it in more than one place.

There are opinions now that everyone's going to get this, even if it takes five, six years. And it might be very slight and very weak, the one that you do wind up getting. Let's say you get it two or three years from now. Or I might have had it already, but I just didn't know. Well, by you, I mean one. But you can make it about you. That's a symptom, by the way. Trust me, it actually is a symptom because once you have it, it is all about you. Yeah, yeah, right. That's what's happened to me. Although you were not very needy. I offered to drop off food. Now I'm all set. You're one of those guys you're hard to take care of. You're just very autonomous. You mean a good friend? You mean a good friend.

No, a good friend lets you take care of them when they're sick a little bit. I haven't learned that lesson yet. I want to be, I don't want to be a burden. No one has come here. Actually, I changed that. Olivia, I had a prescription running out, but while I also was like, I need a better sleep. So pick me up whatever cough medicine. So Olivia, sweet angel, my daughter did

come by. Okay. And you had enough food in the house to last you through? Yeah, I had frozen a bunch. I made a homemade soup. So boy, did that come in handy? I'm already sweating, man. So anyway, I wonder if there's any fabric in here. Oh, here's a tissue box. So whatever. I don't like, I don't like, you're right. I don't like people taking care of me. So I should learn. I'm going to open up. I'm going to be a warmer person now. COVID has changed me. I'm more grateful. I'm trying to pump myself up. Sorry if I sound hyper. I'm on no drugs. Oh, you know what? Here's other advice for people. I imagine all our listeners. Actually, what percentage of our listeners do you think have

had COVID? Well, based on going to comedy clubs, I've been asking comedy audiences how many people have had COVID. And it seems like it's above 50%, sometimes closer to two thirds. But those are people who will go out for anything by definition. So podcast listeners might be more. Those are people that are desperate to get out. They will find any excuse to leave the house. Chris is writing one for three on this podcast. What does that mean? One for three. Oh, out of the three of us. Yeah. You're the only one out of the three of us. Um,

I think that as far as national statistics, I think that about half the country, maybe, uh, Chris, can you look that up? I think about half the country, I mean, has reported who knows how many, like, like you, that up? I think about half the country, I mean, has reported. Who knows how many, like you, you're not going to be, does your doctor know? Have you officially reported that you have COVID? I find out Sunday night. So after the Wheeler Walker Jr. concert, which I probably got it in the Ryman Theater, no one there. And I should have had a mask on and I didn't and no one did.

And then I also went, not to get a little racy here, but racial. I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame. And then I also went to the African-American Music Museum, which basically, by the way, should just be called the Music Museum. Yeah. They are responsible for all music, as far as I can tell. Yeah. And so, anyway, the Irish and Scottish also, that's where country started when those two things met. So, anyway, those two populations by definition, the Country Music Hall of Fame and the African,

like those two demographics are not the most vaccinated. Let's just put it that way. Yeah. I went to both of those, but I also went to a Seder at Aunt Julie's, Ben Hoffman's Aunt Julie. So a lot of old people at that Seder. We'll save it for another podcast. It just kills me seeing Jews with very strong Southern accents. That's for another day. Yeah. Yeah. It also, I mean, Chinese with Southern accents,

all of it. I realize I'm definitely in a bubble. So anyway, it all makes me pause. So I had to call them and I was like, Ben, this is actually serious. Now, maybe I got it at your Seder because the Seder was Friday night. I first felt symptoms Sunday night. And so anyway, one of the ants there, old bat, has it. And it's hard to tell who gave it to whom if, fact that's where the transmission happened now okay i'm afraid to check in in on them on who else has had it at that dinner because that could be the last satyr for some of them uh so and you could be responsible for the death of jewish people you're like hitler

yeah not as bad as him, but like same idea. You know, there's an argument to be made. I'm actually killed more Jews than Hitler. If you're talking about how many Jews I've been confronted with and the percentage that I've killed, like none fled the Seder. You're right. You know, none hid in the attic. So they were all there. And I got a good portion of them. Should we start again? I don't feel good about any of this podcast so far.

Well, I hope you feel better. And please, I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I have a 5.45 a.m. flight to Boston tomorrow. So if you need anything tonight, let me know, and I'll do a food run for you or whatever. It's very sweet. I think I'm good. The cupboard is ridiculously full. You got sleeping pills?

I have sleeping pills. Okay. Yeah. You need edibles? Got edibles. I haven't taken any. I feel that might be. You know what I've been doing is I've been binging better call saul is it me and listen you know odin kirk's one of my comedy heroes

uh i love the show breaking bad's my top two shows of all time it is slow it's slow but i think it really holds up i think it's a it's it's top 10 shows of all time in my mind. Better Call Saul. Well, you know, the way they shoot it is amazing, and he really does hold up. He's got a lot of layers. I like the girl that plays his girlfriend a lot. Obviously, Michael McKeon is amazing.

It's great casting. It's Paul Gilligan as well, right? Isn't it? It is, of course. And they spend a lot of time on the cinematography, It's great casting. It's Paul Gilligan as well, right? Isn't it? It is, of course. And no, they spent a lot of time on the cinematography. And Gus, you know, the chicken guy with the glasses, I could watch him all day. Vince Gilligan.

Yeah, yeah. That guy is amazing. Yeah. Doing that, I'm also, whatever, we'll talk about it in entertainment, what we're watching. I was out. I did a show at Largo last night. It was Anthony Jeselnik asked me to come down and do his show. Anthony Jeselnik and Enemies, it's called. Huge fan.

I'm a huge fan. Say hello anytime you're around him. He gives me credit for saving his show a little bit, which I don't deserve, but I'll take it. How's that? He gives me credit for saving his show a little bit, which I don't deserve, but I'll take it. How's that? Because I called a meeting together with the Writers Guild when they made us walk out of our shows. Oh, that's right. Jeff Ross' show and Jezelnik.

And then I kind of was the spokesperson to the WGA, kind of calling them out on stuff because I wanted to get to the truth. Whatever. Anyway, how was Jezelnik? I love him. He's so goddamn funny. What a joke writer. What a joke writer. What a joke writer. And he's just really, just his, everything, the whole package, the character and the delivery

and the confidence and the writing, all of it is just so fucking good. And, but he was saying that he saw Louis C.K. and Chris D'Elia together at the improv the night before. Really? It was just very weird because they wouldn't look at each other. And it was like, hey, no, you guys, you guys should talk. They should put together the cancel tour. It would be a strong tour. Oh, I just watched Marjorie Taylor Greene.

She's on the stand. I think it would sell out everywhere. I mean, you'd probably have to keep it a little south, this tour. But it's the FU to, you know, to the left tour. Well, I know that D'Elia goes on the left. D'Elia does a show with Brian Callen. Oh, he does? Yeah, and I think they tour together.

Yeah, so it kind of exists already. And I think they're not hurting for ticket sales. I think they're doing well. Cosby's the headliner? Cosby's the headliner. Carlos Mencia does warm-up. Well, wait, Mencia wasn't. There's no hanky-panky.

No, but he was canceled. I mean, he was canceled for joke stealing yeah totally yeah well he couldn't he couldn't be on the tour with cosby unless i mean he'd just be stealing him it is so fucking crazy that he was doing that cosby bit i mean that wasn't like i mean i've had jokes that other people have that are similar, and you go, all right, I can see how two minds can think of this. He does a beat-for-beat Cosby routine. That thing about playing football and thanking your mom, that is so insanely bald-faced that he would have stolen that.

I'm starting to see, though, a lot of comedians, because the new generation of comedians, uh, like that, you know, uh, after Carlin, right. But where, you know, everyone got personal and after Seinfeld and you, you could probably be way more articulate about this, but you know what I mean? Where it was like, holy shit, my girlfriend, like that's where a set starts. You know what I mean? And then finding trends with dating, but very personal, very different than it was before then. So that that is now for the first time ever old and also forgotten. I'm seeing now a lot of God. What was the example? Like the other day I heard a young comedian start on this bit.

I'm like, oh, no. Like and I was convinced they had never heard it before. Right. Right. But I'm like, this is like a giant Ray Romano angle or whatever it was. You know what I mean? Oh, totally. But but God bless them. They're noticing this truly funny thing for the first time in their lives. Yeah. And they're going on and sharing it. So I think that's going to happen more and more. But, yeah, the Mencia thing, there's no excuse. Yeah. So wait, what's, should we talk about, we'll talk about Marjorie Tallagreen in a minute. But Chris has written down that 43% of Americans have had COVID-19. CDC estimates.

It's a very tough estimate because who knows? Like all the people like you that are taking take-home tests that the doctors aren't reporting it or the uh it's got to be double that so i call my doctor right and uh leave actually i can text because we're in it's our union's health care thing right so uh but they have their shit together which you text your doctor you can go on and message boy it's answered immediately i would start taking advantage of that. It's better. And you don't have to talk to people.

But as soon as you put, like, I have COVID, shit, they're like, hey, we can get you on the phone with the doctor, like, in a couple of hours. I'm like, lovely. So anyway, had a virtual visit. And she's like, what can I do for you? I'm like, well, I have COVID. Two things. Should someone know about this? Like, in other words, how, because everyone I tell is telling me three people they know with it right now, right?

And she's like, no, no, it's a gigantic problem. To answer your question, we don't have a system in place. I think there are websites that Los Angeles, a system in place. I think there are websites that Los Angeles, it's different from county to county where you can report it. But since people started testing at home and not at a like urgent care, it is massively underreported. And this new BA.2 strain, and now there's even a sub one under that, is incredibly aggressive, especially finding unvaccinated, sorry, people who have not had COVID regardless of vaccinations. So anyway, what you're saying, I'm just validating, is very true. It's incredibly underreported now.

Like they can only guess. And I guess deaths and hospitalizations will be the only numbers that they can accurately track. Right. But I don't think this is leading to a lot of those, you know? Yeah. All right. So shout out to Patricio Tracoli. That's the name.

Great song. It was a sweet edit job. Yeah. The logo today was very funny. Oh, fuck. Who did the logo? One of my favorite movies of all time. That movie rarely leaves my top five, I have to say.

And listeners of the podcast know I've called it essentially a perfect script. Yep. Lawrence Tarpey did the logo. Yeah, it's a perfect script. Yep. Lawrence Tarpey did the logo. Yeah, it's a great script. It's a great casting. I mean, Jesus Christ. Who played Nurse Ratched? She won the Oscar.

Yeah. Shame on me. I have COVID, man. That's my new thing. I have COVID. I'm not going to remember her name. I will if you gave me time. But Chris could probably use his porn machine to look it up.

We got some corrections coming in. It won a ton of Oscars. You know who won an Oscar? Who? One for Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Who? A young Mike Douglas. Michael Douglas. No.

Son of Kirk Douglas, Michael Douglas, who had not made his mark in acting yet, was one of the producers. Louise Fletcher is the woman that won the Oscar. She was incredible. Ken Kesey had troubles with the movie, and the book did not make Nurse Ratched Out to be the ultimate villain. It was like the system, kind of. Yeah. And the book, the movie, in part of its perfection, had to really just be as lean as possible. And the easiest way to do that.

And oh, my God, in the movie, was she unbelievable. Yeah. And then they did a TV series. I didn't know that. i think it was on hbo and uh hey i'm trying to look up the name was it called ratchet oh it's called ratchet and uh it was really fucking good um two cast members from taxi are in it. Louis De Palma. Oh, right. Yeah. And what's his face? You know, the professor from Back to the Future, Chris Lloyd. Sarah Paulson was in the series, and so was Cynthia Nixon, and so was Sharon Stone.

It was really... I could see Sharon Stone, if she's the one that played Nurse Ratched. I could see that. I am sweating. Corrections. Daniel Cholden said, I just watched CODA. There might be something wrong with Mike. Yes, he has COVID. Yeah, I have a critical mind.

That is fair. And if I've seen something a million things before, I'm a little bored with it. And if it's over the top and scenes don't ring true, I call it out. I don't care if they're deaf. Wow. Speaking of deaf, I got dates coming up.

I'd be handicapping them, so to speak, if I pulled punches. Kind of like, do you guys have three hours? Kind of like Crazy Rich Asians is the biggest piece of shit ever. Terrible. And you're racist. You're fucking racist if you don't admit that. Yep.

You are like, oh, it's great for Asians. That's what you're saying. Right. It is. It is. Oh, why so angry with the COVID? Sorry, guys. Speaking of racist, I'm going on the road.

I'm doing Denver next weekend, which is April 28th through the 30th at the Comedy Works. Tacoma Comedy Club, May 19th through 21. Irvine Improv Memorial Day weekend, May 27th through 29, and then Bakersfield, California at The Well on June 11th. We've got some ads, but are you going to do your, you want to do your COVID test now? And then at the end of the ads, we'll reveal the results. I could do that. And those who want to see me stick a swab up my nose can go to YouTube and check this out. By the way, Bakersfield, you know, I think you might remember.

I went through a real Dwight Yoakam phase in college. Yes. And I loved him. And I saw him. He came and played the Orpheum in Boston. Is that the name of the theater in Boston? The Orpheum. And I really liked him.

I also think he's an amazing actor. And anyway, that's that Bakersfield Sound. And my biggest regret is I moved to Los Angeles while the creator of the Bakersfield Sound, from Hee Haw, which is awful, awful way to first describe him, but he's... Roy Clark? No, no, no, no, no, the other guy. He's... He had his big...

It might have been called a palace but theater up there and he would play all the time and it was on my to-do list before he died and i didn't get up there but you should maybe go one night i'm not kidding you it's a very rock and roll take on conscious rockabilly and you mean you mean there's a club in bakersfield i should go yes yes all right yes. All right, maybe I'll do my show, and then we'll go. Why don't you come up and do the show with me, and then we'll go. That's a distinct possibility. When are you there? I don't listen to your plugs.

June 11th. Okay. Isn't that when Chris is here? One night. One night. All right, so start your test while i begin the advertising uh but but you need to chime in because magic spoon i know is one of the products that you get the most excited about it's like no it's no i get excited about all of them greg but go ahead buck owens go ahead oh yeah so

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Yet healthy. Here it goes. I'm doing it. All right. You feel like a kid again. Honey nut flavoring. Yeah. Yet healthy. Here it goes. I'm doing it. All right. You feel like you're cheating. It's delicious. I like it as a midnight snack. I get back home from my shows and I'm hungry.

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All right, there it is. If you ask me, I'm just looking at the liquid. It looks like COVID. I've gotten good at this. So you tested yourself on the first day, had it, and now it's five days later? It lit up. You know, they're like, hey, wait 15 seconds and all this. I don't know if I said this at the beginning because I do have brain fog.

It lit up. They glowed like coals. So here we go. Within seconds. So here we go. Here's the strip. And I'm sure this is a sterile environment in my closet. And here we go.

Four drops. Four drops. I hope it doesn't trust for mold or mothballs. Do it right here. Yeah. It was very painful up my nose, so I think I did it right. Four drops. One.

Two. I think it is going to be positive because I'm on day five and I'm congested as hell still. Three. You're sweating your ass off. Can you see that? I think it is going to be positive because I'm on day five and I'm congested as hell still. Three. You're sweating your ass off. Can you see that? No, but you keep wiping your forehead. No, I know I am. All right. Four drops are in.

And now let me look. It looks positive already. I don't know. How long are you supposed to wait? 15 minutes. All right. Well, the test one is already lit up. And then it has to get to control.

I'm already positive, I think. Yeah, I'm already positive. It says positive on the test? Yeah. Well, the T is lit up, and now it has to creep its way up to the C. But the C is the control, I think. Yeah. Well, the T is lit up and now it has to creep its way up to the C. But the C is the control, I think. Yeah. Right. And let's see. T and C.

Here are the results on the bottom. Yeah, I'm positive. Wow. I think, yeah. All right. So you're not going out for another couple days, at least. How many days till- Well, the negative is just the control. Yeah, the tea is fucking hot as hell, and that's the one that-

Yeah, I'm positive. What's that? So how many days are you supposed to wait till after you test positive to go out again? That was fun. Jesus, why did I do that on camera? Apparently, it doesn't really mean- They say day zero is first day symptoms. I'm on day five.

According to the CDC, but I think it's because people can't tolerate hearing 10 days. So they say five. And I can go out if I wear a very, you know, the KN95 mask. That's the guidance. Right. Am I going to go out? No. And there's a very popular Twitter thread by a doctor that's the guidance. Right. Am I going to go out? No.

And there's a very popular Twitter thread by a doctor that's going around. Did I say all this already? But same idea. He's like, I avoided it for two years. Now I have it. And here's advice. And he was very happy. He says these at-home tests are pretty accurate.

The PCR tests can detect it a month later. Did I say all this up top? No. No. This is all interesting. The PCR tests, so that's not good, but believe it or not, the over-the-counter tests, the at-home tests, are a pretty good indication and will indicate when you don't have it in your system.

They're not foolproof. They're not foolproof at the beginning either. But I knew I'd be positive right now. Oh, yeah, there they are. So here are the two lines right there. Yeah. Clear as day. Oh, boy.

And, yeah. The test line is hotter than the control line, and normally it's always the opposite. Do you feel dirty? More than usual? I mean, whenever I get sick, I feel like I'm bad. I internalize guilt that I'm sick. Oh, I see. Not really.

I think I'd feel bad. I got someone sick down there. I do feel badly about that. But hopefully she's still alive. But I feel like if I went out, I'd be a bad guy if I went out tonight, which I think I've been validated. I've been greenlit to go out tonight. And I'd feel bad about that. Yeah. All right. Although, I think if I have symptoms, I'm not supposed to also, so maybe I really would be bad if I went on tonight. Yeah, I think so.

All right, let's get to the front page. Do you have a newspaper? Mine is so tired. What I do have, Greg, is my Spanish language instructions on the COVID test, and it is crisp senior. Wow. Extra, extra. We all love it. Extra. Yeah.

Front page. Is this me? What are we doing, the podcast? Marjorie Taylor Greene. All right. Marjorie Taylor Greene uh that all right marjorie taylor green i just want guess what she's innocent that's what she's going to be found uh they didn't in my opinion um coinbase here we go republican representative marjorie taylor green of georgia testified for more than three hours today during a hearing which is friday where challenges are

seeking her disqualification as a candidate for reelection, citing her role in the January 6th insurrection. Okay. Do you want me to sum up her whole thing? Yeah. All right. Here's the super cut of it. I don't recall. I don't recall. I don't recall. I don't recall. I don't, I'm not in charge of who posts on my Facebook. Other people tweet for me sometimes. I don't recall. I don't recall. I don't recall.

Literally, it's that. Aren't they embarrassed? Aren't people embarrassed to play that fucking card? Remember, that's what Reagan famously did with the Iran Contra. Although I think he legitimately didn't recall. He might have been telling the truth. the Iran Contra. Yeah, right.

Although he- Although I think he legitimately- He might have been telling the truth. Yeah. But this is like, that's what my campaign ad would be if I was running against her. I'm like, is this who you want? Someone who can't remember a single thing, doesn't know who's posting on her official Facebook. By the way, both her Facebook and her campaign Facebook page and her Twitter account.

Yeah. It's insane. Right, right. And so, listen, I'm no brainiac, especially with COVID. I don't know what the angle here was. She was under oath, though, which is the first time one of these people is under oath. So I don't know if it's a long game

and that they already knew they didn't have the goods on her for this reelection, but that they were going to try to trap her with perjury once the investigation found out more. Because what I was waiting was for smoking guns to pop up. And that never happened here. Like, you don't recall. It turns out you do. You did recall this at one date. In fact, you recalled it last week when you wrote you know we have your phone records or something like that you know what i

mean yeah they showed a video at one point of something that uh she knew um well they busted they busted other guys now that you know they're they're trapping these guys with with records with video records and audio recordings She's saying she doesn't know who the Proud Boys are. It's your base. Your fucking base are the Proud Boys. She doesn't know much about the Proud Boys. I don't know what they do. I don't know much about the Proud Boys.

It's crazy. I mean, how do you live with yourself to be represented by people that you pretend you've never heard of? Oh, to be supported by people that you think. I mean, and they and they're in on it. They're the ones that are still supporting by going, yeah, I understand that. She can't pretend she knows us because we're so fucking evil on Twitter. She liked a post that said it's quicker that a bullet to the head would remove Nancy Pelosi from the role of speaker. And a CNN review has hundreds of posts and comments from Greene's Facebook page shows she repeatedly indicated support for executing prominent Democratic politicians in 2018 and 19

before she was elected to Congress. And she's like, I've had many people manage my media, social media account over the years. I have no idea who liked that. Yeah. I mean, but all right. So I don't know what the long game is. The last thing I'll say about it. I'm not the smartest guy in the room by a long stretch.

No, by no means. Thank you. it. I'm not the smartest guy in the room by a long stretch. No, by no means. Thank you. But one, one way of wording this be, do you deny tweeting that about Nancy Pelosi? Cause she would have to say no, because her answer is, I don't recall. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Do you deny being in touch with the Proud Boys? She'd have to she'd have to under oath say no. She would try to say, I don't recall. I'd be like, that's not the question. Do you deny ever being in touch with the Proud Boys? No. Do you deny conspiracy, you know, conspiring to to motivate that crowd and to get them to come in and forcibly stop the recall. She'd have to say no.

You would have this long record of her not denying all this involvement. Whatever. I've given myself a headache. But isn't that an approach? Let's talk about Mike Tyson. So much better. Oh, my God. All right. I am fucking squirrely team Mike, I got to tell you.

And I know I'm a hypocrite if I'm Team Chris Rock as well, but I think there is a time to smack someone in the face. Mike Tyson throws punches at unruly passenger on a JetBlue flight is the headline. A witness on the plane says he and his friend were boarding Tyson's flight. The boxer was initially cool with them and the other passengers. The witness tells us Mike took a selfie with this guy who was hit and then was patient with the overly excited buddy who kept trying to talk to the 55-year-old fighter because he was sitting behind Tyson. Eventually, though, we're told Tyson had enough of the guy

behind him talking into his ear and he told him to chill. And when the guy didn't and the guy was apparently very inebriated, that's when the witness said Tyson started to throw several punches at the man's face. Have you seen the video? The guy was a complete douchebag who needed a beating. He was such he was such a like goomb goombot, wannabe, fucking loudmouth drunk. I mean, anybody would have punched this guy in the face. I also think he's looking for a payday.

I mean, he kept, like, he made sure to play to the camera after he was hit and before he was hit. Yeah. I want Mike Tyson on all flights. That's my takeaway from this story. Yeah. And boy, with the flight attendants. all the crazy shit that's been happening. It just takes one warning.

That guy comes up to you. Also, what is this guy thinking? We know two things for fact about Mike Tyson. He fights and throws punches and he rapes. So that's the guy you're going to provoke. Yeah. Turns out you got lucky. Yeah. I feel bad for the guy because he's like, he's such an evolved human being, but he still has these instincts, you know, deep inside. It takes a lot to get them there. But I mean, it's so unfair. First of all, he's got to

fly private jet from now on. I think that people like Joe Rogan should just cut him a check once a year and say, Mike, fly private jets and I'll pay for it. That's not bad. How do you think his finances are at this point? So he started this weed company, right, which I guess is all the rage. Do you know one of the gummies? Well, wait, I don't want to step on a joke. So Dickie, our great friend, Rosie's Bagels, can't say enough about him, by the way. Dickie texted me a funny joke, which is,

well, well, well, look who doesn't like when someone chews his ear off. That's a great joke. If that wasn't on late night, uh, Dickie might've even sent it into late night. I don't know. But one of the pot gummies and Mike Tyson's company is in the shape of an ear.

No. Swear to God. Oh my God. That's amazing. I'm looking at Mike Tyson network. And so he was being flown down to Florida. I almost put this in a Florida man story because I bet this douchebag was from Florida. It was a flight from San Francisco to Florida.

And he was speaking at the convention. So I believe the convention was flying him down. He's worth 10. They're saying he's worth 10 million now. He used to get 20 for a fight. That's not. No, 30. Oh, wow. I don't think he, uh, um, at some point he was,

he, I think he was worth like a hundred million at one point. I wonder if a judge, oh yeah, I want it, but tiger food cost a lot of money. I wonder if a judge would ever consider context like, all right, like if that guy was being a douchebag to me, right? I don't think that guy has any instincts, but has a track record of getting into fisticuffs, has a track record of assault, a short temper, not all his faculties when it comes to a good judgment like and a giant payday. That does. Doesn't that change the context yeah and he's probably high you know there's very very good chance he's high um yeah plus it's like on a plane i have gotten very close to punching somebody in the face several times on a plane i got to the point where like me and another guy literally squared off and he was fucking huge so i'm lucky was he in your way when you were trying to get to the bathroom to masturbate don't get in my way again context is everything and i could i couldn't punch it because my hand was filled with lotion but um i had a slap one right off him. I made a bet with, I was talking to Fahim Anwar and a couple of the comics.

Oh, I like that guy. Yeah, he's very funny. And we were talking about masturbation. And there was a female comic that was telling us that we should keep ourselves from masturbating because it gives you a better sperm count. Like he, I don't know if he's trying to get somebody pregnant. No, he's not trying to get him pregnant, but she was just saying in general, it's better for your psyche.

It's better for your lovemaking. It's better for your relationship to avoid porn and to avoid masturbation. Oh, what's her number? I'd like to talk to her about that. So I said to Fahim, I said, I'll make a bet with you right now. The last, the first guy to masturbate loses. And he's like, uh, how many years younger than you is he? 15. Right. You, he has at least, you should have a distinct advantage. Probably 20. Uh, I should until I emailed him at noon

the next day saying, congratulations, you won. It was one of those mornings. You know, once you tell me I can't, it's not like I do it every day, but once you tell me I can't, oh, watch out. Also, once you tell yourself you can't. Yeah. It's like a diet. I know.

Don't think about ice cream. Ice cream, what? Tucker Carlson. That's a hard name to say. Tucker Carlson recently offered up a wellness solution for this so-called crisis in his Tucker Carlson original documentary. And Carlson's prescription to stop the death spiral of the American man was something called testicle tanning. The solutions are actually really simple.

Fitness professional Andrew McGovern told Carlson, red light therapy, testicle tanning has massive benefits. You put your scrotum into an infrared light. I'm listening. In his documentary, it features multiple images of a naked white man appearing to plug his testicles into some sort of infrared light device. He's going to be white no matter what on Tucker's show. But OK, so. But as a white man, I don't know that I my skin on my balls. It'll burn, won't it?

I don't know. I mean, I imagine the goal isn't burning them. People tan naked. Yeah. People walk around naked. I mean. I once got a sunburn on the shaft of my cock. I laid out nude on my roof.

Face down and the roof was hot? Is that how the burn happened i stuck my dick in the chimney the gutter was scalding i stuck it in the uh the the pipe that leads from the dryer i stuck it in there for a little while it was i didn't think i was burned because it was covered in lint um no i i laid out once and my uh my shaft burnt and i literally could not walk could not stop putting on aloe just couldn't stop yeah yeah uh yeah of course you know but but tucker carlson is all caught up in men are not manly anymore and that men need to be more manly and that they've become feminized. To me, he seems like a very effete male, doesn't he? With the bow ties and the overly coiffed hair

and his softness. He seems like he's never been in a fist fight or played sports. No, he's a rich kid. He just seems like such a pussy. You know, he's a rich kid. His dad was, you know, famous for being a bigot and in the same role, like on air as Tucker. And so it's a very aggro culture he comes from. And, you know, the white privileged. I mean, just look at him. He's a poster child for that shit.

And so, yeah. But, you know, now he has his base and he and he has to play towards this. But I will say this. I have friends that got very involved with Tony Robbins, who I kind of have a soft spot for. I've never bought anything. I've never done it. They begged me to go to these things. But anything I see of Tony Robbins, I don't know. Do you have a problem with him? I don't really have a problem. No, I should have a problem with him. And I don't like men that are so matter of fact and tell you how you need to live and that you need to be like they are. And, you know, his cold water plunges and all that.

Like, I should hate him, but I feel like he really believes who he is. I don't think he has an inauthentic bone in his body. It's just who he is is very. I just I don't like people holding themselves up as I'm the perfect example of what you should be. totally broke and of course I'll get this wrong but totally broke depressed in his apartment put on a Walkman and went for a jog on the beach he's a big believer in music and movement you know especially like exercising it's like getting all the fluids going and uh and he had his epiphany that he was going to become the Tony Robbins we know now and it happened when he kind of hit bottom and he was living in a shitty apartment here in Venice. But all these gurus have the same fucking story. Eckhart Tolle has that same story. He was sitting on a park bench for days and he had this realization.

It's it's all about Eckhart Tolle. Did someone sit down and go, hey, you know what time it is? He's like, yeah, it's now. It's now. There's only now. Yeah. What if now sucks? Oh, okay. Well, you've chewed my ear off for five minutes. Is it now five past now? Impossible. There's only now. So anyway, Tony Ra, this family I know, this couple who have done extraordinarily well. And then they go sometimes, especially her and help out like they'll go down to Florida or they'll come out to San Diego at these Tony cons, whatever they're called, the conventions with Tony.

And but anyway, they were like, yeah, you can't pussify your man. I'm like, well, what? And she's like, yeah, that's the verb we use. Now. I don't know if Tony does, but the followers do. You can't pussify your man. Like women have to remember, um, some of man's natural roles and instincts and men have to do the same for women. So it's not unlike what Tucker's doing here. He is playing into this we've lost our way and we're forgetting our natures.

Yeah. Which there's validity to but I don't know about sticking my balls in a fucking light box. No, just get them sunburned on a hot roof. Let's do some good news for Gubbins. I don't think I read this last week.

Did I read the letter from Scott Mansfield that said enough Gubbins talk? I don't think so. Either add him as a host of the show so we listeners can find out just why you two polish his balls for 20 minutes every episode or shut the fuck up about him. Oh, interesting. He's the mayor of Venice, Dennis from Venice. We may have him on. We're talking about doing a live show at the Belly Room at the Comedy Store on June 12th. And Chris Denman's going to be in town doing his other podcast.

And then we're going to think about maybe putting out some feelers. See if you guys would be interested in coming to a podcast at the Comedy Store. And we'll have Dennis Gubbins as a guest. And Chris Denman, our producer, will be on a mic, and you can get to know everybody. What do you think about that? Am I going? Where is this? We don't have meetings.

Here's a glimpse behind the curtain of Sunday Papers. There is never—oh, you are definitely positive. I'm so positive. Okay, go ahead. There are no meetings. There are no, like, I think other than being on the mic doing Sunday papers, we almost never discuss Sunday papers. No. Quite honestly, half of this is a surprise to me as we do it.

Because you know what? I don't want to be robbed of the pleasure of being a listener of the podcast also. Right. But that being said, even though you had COVID this week, you wrote most of the script because I was... I told you I owed you that. I owed you that. So, well, Scott said stop talking about Gubbins.

I do have a Gubbins update, and then we'll get to good news for Gubbins. Gubbins got his second booster. That's weird because I don't know any black people that got the second booster yet. No, no, no. Inspired by the NBA playoffs, he boxed out, threw some elbows, got to the front of the line, I think at a pharmacy, and just took the needle from the pharmacist and jabbed it in his arm. Right.

They're like, sir, that's for diabetes. Took it out, grabbed the other needle, threw that in his arm. Right. They're like, sir, that's for diabetes. Took it out, grabbed the other needle, threw that in his arm. Right. The diabetic old black man behind him did die that day, but not from COVID. It was diabetes. And he created a big distraction. He said, look, Kanye, it's Kanye. And then he cuts at the front of the line.

Yeah. Has anyone seen red pubes? Look over here. Look over here. Don't look over here where I'm grabbing the needle. And it goes right into my arm. Yeah. Well, here's good news for Govans.

500 pounds of weed spilled on Missouri Interstate on 420. According to the Midcoast News sources, that's what I'm going to call them, Highway Patrol believes that a semi-trailer driver swerved, whatever. 420. According to the Midcoast News sources, that's what I'm going to call them, Highway Patrol believes that a semi-trailer driver swerved, whatever. There was a crash, and the Highway Patrol believes all of the marijuana was in the pickup truck involved in it, which was occupied by two men and a woman from Mexico. The men were arrested and charged with drug trafficking. All three suffered moderate injuries. And the munchies.

And the guy tweeted, the Missouri State Highway Patrol tweeted, quote, you don't see this every day, but it is 420. That is amazing. On 420. That's like a pumpkin truck rolling over on Halloween or running over a groundhog on Groundhog's Day. Yeah. Or murdering your wife on Valentine's Day. Or her spilling out all over the highway, yeah.

Or picking up a 110 split on 9-11. Is that what it's like? Yeah, like knocking out two pins, yeah. I haven't done all the math, but that's a lot of numbers. All right, I'll crunch that. Well, anyway, we have the guy's tweet. We'll put it up here on the YouTube page. And you could see in the photo, that's a lot of weed all over the road.

A lot of weed. Jesus. It is like a scene in the movie. And there's some of it in Better Call Saul. It's like, now is not the time to get pulled over. Like for the taillight that's out. You know what I mean? Right.

I mean, what a nervous ride. And then it's raining, you can see. And then two tractor trailers. Like they had nothing to do with it. I didn't read the details. But a semi swerved to miss another semi that was stopped because of another car. Anyway, and the poor pickup truck got hit. Yeah.

Poor pickup truck. Smugglers from Mexico. Why am I on their side? But I am. You want to do entertainment or go to Florida, man? Well, entertainment was funny just because CNN Plus launched on March 29th, and it's shutting down on April 30th. The company spent $300 million on it.

Jesus. That's $9,375,000 a day for every day that it was up. And meanwhile, you and I are finding work hard to get. Yes, exactly. $275,000 a day for every day that it was up. And meanwhile, you and I are finding work hard to get. Yes, exactly. And streamers are throwing this money around. Yep, and there's so many of them. It's like every network now has a plus.

Apple Plus, BET Plus, which, by the way, Ms. Pat has a show on BET Plus that just got picked up for a third season. Third season already? Yeah, third season already. They went from the second directly into the third. I love Ms. Pat. She came up and did The Cabin with Bert Kreischer, and I got to hang out with her.

I actually have a show idea for her. Oh, yeah? Why do I sit on these fucking ideas? I think it's special. Well, now she's blown up. I should totally approach her. Yeah, now that she's not taking meetings and has a full-time job, you should totally pitch her now.

I know my timing. Going to go in with COVID. The show's name, actually, is Miss Pat Gets COVID. So now is the time I have to pitch it. Speaking of COVID, Florida, man. Here we go.ida man oh okay this this is my favorite story of the week wedding spirals into chaos after bride laces the food with pot oh florida okay longwood floor let me see my voice can make it through this story from longwood, Florida. According to police, numerous guests were treated for symptoms consistent with that of someone who had used illegal drugs. have been hit with negligence, tampering, and drug charges for allegedly spiking food served at the February 19th reception, which was attended by 50 guests.

One guest told cops he felt ill and high and was, quote, having crazy thoughts as his heart raced. Another victim said he— Maybe he just loves weddings. All right, so I just put in a lot of these quotes because I was dying laughing. Another victim said he told the best man that he, quote, felt like he had been drugged, but that the best man, quote, was incoherent and could not answer a question. Guest Nancy Posma, who was 69, his nephew was marrying Svoboda, the bride, told cops that she had, quote, no control over her mind and body and that, quote, her mind was playing strange things in her head. She said she was, quote, paranoid and became, quote, loud and unruly in the emergency room of a hospital.

She's 69. Wow. Miranda Caddy, a friend of Svoboda's, recalled asking Bryant if there was marijuana in the food. In response, Bryant, quote, giggled and shook her head yes. Oh. Even the people that spiked it were high as kites. Okay.

Caddy said she confronted Svoboda on the dance floor and that the bride admitted that marijuana had been added to the olive oil. Katty said Svoboda acted like guests should be excited as if, quote, they were given a gift. Katty recalled being, quote, stoned and terrified and that her heart would stop beating. She thought she would die. Cady said that she sent a text to her. So this woman, she's 38, sent a text to herself so that someone would know what happened to her.

Why not text a friend? what happened to her. Why not text a friend? Can you imagine the speeches at this fucking wedding? They must have been amazing. This is like, this is what Gubbins' wedding would be like, except that this caterer was black and Dennis would have charged everybody for the weed.

And now they got arrested. All right, this is the last quote I picked. I thought it was so funny. So asking if he was aware that cannabis laced food was being served to his friends and family, groom Andrew Svoboda reportedly stared at a sheriff's deputy quote with a blank expression before stuttering through a no. This is the best wedding of all time. They should have known something was wrong when people started eating the cake right after the appetizers. Also, it's time for the bride and groom to cut the cake. Oh, who ate the cake?

Who ate the cake? There's crumbs here. Guys. Yeah. The old people are all dancing because their glaucoma was finally cured. Some kind of miracle. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, exactly. It's that Nancy who's 69. She has icing all

over her face, wide-eyed. Starts crying. I'm sorry. They're all making out on the floor. The first dance was Grateful Dead, Steal Your Face, the entire album. Finally, the bride and groom take the mic. Oh, we're sorry. We're sorry you've had the time of your life.

Uncle Frank is catching chicks doing that dance move to time of your life. He Frank is catching chicks doing that dance move to time of your life. He'd like one after the other line up like, oh, I'm sorry that we spiked the olive oil. Right, right.

But can you imagine like this gross miscalculation that for the rest of their lives will haunt them? Every anniversary they will think back to the day that they fucking freaked out

all their friends and family oh my god uh so love that story all right let's do some international speaking of international the spanish directions for the COVID test. Go ahead. Okay. In China, the world has just inched, has been inching toward fully autonomous cars for years. In China, one company just got closer. On Thursday, AutoX announced it had rolled out fully driverless robo-taxis on public roads in Shenzhen. Auto X has completely removed the backup driver or any remote drivers for its local fleet of 25 cars.

The government isn't restricting where in the city it operates, although the company said they are focusing on the downtown area. I don't get this. Do we need to save jobs in China? There's three billion fucking people. I think we got enough drivers for the taxis. And they're all great. So what are you doing? Right.

All right. Do you think honest question? I'm going to hide behind the phrasing here. Do you think people who don't think Asian drivers are the best drivers, like maybe they're overly cautious, do you think once there's all these auto-driving cars that that racism will stay in check? Like you're like, stay away from that Toyota. Get me next to the Mercedes-Benz, please, over here.

Or the Ford. Yeah. Here comes a Kia. Parked six feet from the curb, driverless car, but we know who was going to drive it. Why is this Kia going so slowly? Yeah. Four men have been arrested after one of the accused phones was discovered to contain a video of them gang raping a Bengal monitor lizard in Maharashtra, India. How do they, why assume it's a rape?

How does a lizard give consent? Yeah. You don't know it's a rape. Yeah. Can it be just a gang bang? So they found. Is that better? There's closed caption TV showed four men lurking around the forest. In addition to the video, they also found photos of them abusing porcupines and deer.

Bengal monitor lizards can grow up to five and a half feet long and weigh almost 16 pounds. That's a big lady. I'm assuming it's a lady. According to Indian penal code, states that anyone who voluntarily commits intercourse with an animal, quote, shall be punished with imprisonment for life. Hmm. Huh. So, I mean, that's a tough thing to be on. What are you in for?

Oh, all right. Well, then I guess having sex with me will be no problem at all. Or it's like you to my brother. Join the club. Right. Right. I've told you the story. So Norm MacDonald, funniest guy ever. So he and I say that literally he in writer's room, like he would zero in. He liked being very, you know, contrarian. But he was kind of almost like always right. He didn't just do it for kicks. So anyway, long story short, he found out there was some woman in the room.

And she was, we were ordering lunch or something. And maybe she was, but anyway, she was very much an animal rights activist. Somehow the conversation got to sex with animals i don't know how maybe because of viral videos of like you know the famous guy who got killed by the horse or something anyway norm loved to point out which is related to the story he's like you know all the laws about no sex with animals are to protect people right that like no one gives a shit about the animal. And animals like sex.

And he's like, it's to protect us from the dirty animals. And anyway, she had to leave the room. So that happened. She had to leave the room, yet she just couldn't handle it? It was a smart thing to do. It was still lunch anyway, but she also really was under the impression it was to protect the animals. Yeah. And their feelings.

Yeah. I mean, who knows? I have a whole routine about how my dog is constantly trying to put his dick in my hand whenever I pet him. He's always trying to stick it there. So if I jerked him off, like that's, I'm being a good guy. Why am I going to jail? Wasn't my idea. It was his fucking idea.

We had a host, famous host on Comedy Central who had dogs in the office and he would rub their penis in the writer's room and it would get hard. So that happened at the table. Seriously? So, yeah. So this whole new woke generation, just know that used to be a writer's room, just so you know.

Just maybe you'll put that in the mix and be like, you know, we've come a long way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you want to do, you want to skip down? I want to go outside. It's been a while. All right.

Let's do sports. Sports. Okay. Here's, hold on. I haven't read this story. NFL free agent quarterback Cam Newton took to social media to explain sexist comments made earlier this month. During an appearance on Barstool Sports podcast, Newton explained that he believed what he believed was the woman's role in society. I'm all ears. What is it?

Now, a woman is for for me is handling your own, but knowing how to cater to a man's needs. Right. And I think a lot of times when you get that aesthetic of I'm a boss, bitch, I'm I'm a this I'm a that. No, baby. But you can't cook. You don't know how to be quiet. You don't know how to allow a man to lead. Why is this even a story? Where Did you cut out the juicy part? Well, there is not a single player in the NFL that does not feel exactly like this. And the guy's, Cam's got seven kids, so apparently a woman also doesn't know how to say no to sex. Wow. Listen, he missed an opportunity.

I don't recall writing that text. Yeah, exactly. I have a lot of people running my- I'm not in charge of all my text. Yeah, right. Nothing's real. I don't recall that. Oh, by the way, she was asked on the stand.

So this is your Facebook page now. We just called it up live. If you say so. And it's like, and so this is a comment from you on your Facebook page. If that's what you're saying, like, in other words, the courtroom was where you're supposed to agree on reality.

Right. And, um, that can't happen anymore. Like, Oh, here is video of you saying this. No joke. They tried four different times. They showed it three times. Well, as I've said, that is clipped together and spliced. You love the word spliced. That's clipped together and spliced. I saw it three times. So I don't know.

Yeah. Nothing can be agreed. There is no reality. Yeah. So i don't know why cam hasn't gone that memo um you know who i love is theo vaughn and he does like he'll do these crazy jokes where he'll say he'll he'll lay out a whole thing about uh you know i saw this drag queen chasing this dog down the street and the dog had lipstick on his face and blah blah and he goes, and he'll just go, so we'll see. That's his punchline. So we'll see. When he spins a yarn, man, like I'll see them on Instagram promos for his podcast. He, yeah, he, he, he's very good at it yeah he's really and he's just gotten better and better because i had him on my podcast about oh god probably six years ago and he there was a

hint of who he is today but he was nowhere near in his voice yet bill burr was the same way i've seen certain comics just find their voice and really fucking explore it and get, and it's just very rich. He's a great storyteller. Well, I think, and I don't know what I'm talking about, but my opinion on Theo is, you know, wasn't he on like Real World or he was going to be a pretty boy,

a good looking face, according to MTV, and he was brought in for a pretty boy, a good-looking face, according to MTV. And he was brought in for that, and he kind of was hip. And that's not him. I'm not saying he's not good-looking. He's a very good-looking. But my point is he was not talking about his roots. You know what I mean? He wasn't leaning into that incredibly poor, white white trash background he has.

Right. And I think, I think both with Bill and, and anyone who really makes it work, the ones we like anyway, because we have bullshit detectors when it comes to comedy personas, they find their true voice. They don't find a voice like,

you know, some of these, I don't even know more other famous comics who we don't like, who like have, you know, I don't know, find a voice like, you know, some of these, I don't even know, other famous comics who we don't like, who, like, have, you know, I don't know, find a voice like... Oh, no, you got, like, this one comic who's like a rich kid who grew up in Beverly Hills and he talks with a New York City accent on stage

and it's just, it's so contrived. Right. But it's the easiest way to get people to think you're cool is to talk with a New York accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or some of the blue-collar tour guys, you're cool is to talk with a new york accent yeah yeah yeah or some of the blue collar tour guys you know where they're created a persona that's not really that true you know what i mean but these guys have anyway of course bill burr and uh theo uh let's go to this 1916, April 24th, the Easter Rebellion begins.

In Dublin, the Irish Republican Brotherhood, a secret organization of Irish nationalists led by Patrick Pearce, launches the so-called Easter Rebellion, an armed uprising against British rule. British rule, assisted by militant Irish socialists under James Connolly Pierce and his fellow Republicans rioted and attacked British provincial government headquarters across Dublin and seized the Irish capital's general post office. Following these successes, they proclaimed the independence of Ireland, which had been under the repressive thumb of the United Kingdom for centuries. Yeah, how about like eight centuries? And by the next morning, we're in control of much of the city. Later that day, however, British authorities launched a...

That's the thing about the Irish. A lot of countries would have been absorbed by their colonizers after 800 years. But the Irish were always like, nope, we're still us. We'll hide fucking harps in the in the countryside and play them we will sing we will speak gaelic behind your back we will fucking attack they for 800 years they fought against the british and then finally uh following it uh the 14 pierce and 14

of his of the other leaders were executed but they were held up as martyrs uh there was little love lost among most Irish people for the British who had enacted a series of harsh anti-Catholic restrictions, the penal laws in the 18th century, and then let 1.5 million Irish people starve during the potato famine of 1845 through 1852. Armed protests continued after the Easter Rebellion, and in 1921, 26 of Ireland's

32 counties won independence with the declaration of the Irish Free State. That's when my grandfather had to hit the road because he did not like that compromise. Oh, no shit. He was in jail. And basically when it was like, hey, here's the compromise. Here's what England offered. And he was like, we're not taking that, right? Yeah. Him, I mean, a bunch of them.

The compromise being that the six counties in the north were considered under British rule still. Yeah. They're going to divide our country. And a lot of Irish felt that way. And if you made that public and you were fighting like he was, so he went to prison in Ireland. And then when you got out and it was ratified, the writing was on the wall and it was basically like,

you know, you guys kind of have to hit the road. And so went to New York. Wow. Yup or do. Yeah. in New York. Wow. Yep or do. Yeah. I think my grandfather came over here in 1920, I think. Yeah. So probably right around the same time. Yeah. Mine was, I think, 21. Yeah. I have the paperwork somewhere. Actually, all four of my grandparents came over. I'm not sure the dates of the other one.

The only one I really care about because I knew him the most was Florence McCarthy. There was no IRA back then, but whatever they were called, the Irish Republican Brotherhood, he was a part of that. He ran messages for the Irish Republican Brotherhood. Wow. Wow. Yeah. All right, let's get to some... Then he has to fucking watch you on his lap, the softest thing ever. I know. But I got the harp tattoo, Grandpa. Look.

Yeah. I got the harp tattoo. You make him proud now. There it is. Look at it. It goes with maroon. No wonder you wear maroon all the time. All right, let's do some letters to the editor. We've gotten a lot of mail from you guys lately.

We always thank you for reaching out. It's FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com is the email address. This one comes from Lawrence Adamanek. In 1991, Emmylou and the Nashville Ramblers, Emmylou Harris, recorded what would become their Grammy Award-winning album. It was recorded live over three nights. Because of the Ryman at that time was in such bad shape, only 200 people were allowed to be in the audience each night.

Emmylou was wanting to bring attention to the historic importance of the Ryman and country music and should be saved. And it got the attention of the corporation that bought it. And they changed their plans to knock it down. I was the drummer for all three nights for this historic recording. Yeah. This guy, Lawrence Adamanek. And I listened to this album.

And I'm a huge Emmy Lou Harris fan. And this album, the sound is gorgeous. Like you can feel the theater and it's, it's just a, it's a very, it's a very emotional album. And she talks about the theater on the album and about all the shitty rooms that she's worked all around the country. And that, and she's like, you know, sometimes I'll work in a room that's got, that they spent like, you know, $50 million on and it's, and it just stinks. The sound stinks.

The feel is bad. And she was talking about how special this room was. Hoffman talked about how great it sounded to him. Oh yeah. Yeah. He was on stage. Wow. Wheeler Walker, I should say. And, uh, but no, that was the story that this guy wrote in. It's so cool.

Sorry if I'm clicking. I have a cough drop in my mouth. But I had mentioned, I thought that was the story because someone, the guy at the theater, told me that she saved the theater and deserves that credit. And this guy was drumming. That's incredible. That's amazing. Yeah, that's amazing. Dude, thanks for writing in. I wish when I went to the rhyme and they limited it to 200 people, maybe I wouldn't have this Kung Flu right now. Hey now.

Yeah. David Handman. What a name. David Handman. That could have been my nickname in high school. Follow up to the Ted Cruz question. So you've decided to suck a penis to end world hunger. That came up last week. Thanks. Would you rather get all the accolades as the man who ended world hunger or remain anonymous so that no one knows you sucked a D? I'll put that to you. I'm not going to get no credit for taking one in the jaw to save mankind. Also, what would that make me? That I'd be ashamed of this?

Like, this is something. Okay, this is what that is. You know what it makes you? A cocksucker. I guess maybe just very open to solutions. I would say what this guy's framing it as is, OK, you personally alone save the world from starvation. And so what in what world would you not want credit for that? Doing this loving act to someone who happens to be the same gender like that's crazy. All right. Well, let's, let's change the terms. One person is starving to death. You can save this one person's life

by sucking a dick. Would you do it? Is it the person starving? Cause it might take long and then I'm out. Plus he needs that protein. You're taking his his protein i don't want to exhaust the poor dude yeah yeah also he's probably not that hot at that point i know hungry people tend to be dirty yeah generally yeah um daniel morales says so this week's sunday papers mike elaborates on his confusion as to why a homeless individual was on the plane. The one I blew? I can completely attest there are programs that quite genuinely send homeless people to other countries or mostly outer islands such as almost exclusively to Hawaii. We have one of the highest homeless percentages per capita.

They send a lot of them to Oahu and my island, Maui. I notice at least three new ones every two weeks. He's keeping score. Three every two weeks. Jesus. It's like he's got a journal. Do you think we're really sending homeless people to Hawaii? I would, I'd like to know more about that. That sounds interesting because I do know, you know, the, the governor of Texas, Abbott, Greg Abbott, just sent a busload

of, or I think a few busloads of immigrants to Washington, D.C. And, you know, obviously, Santa Monica, where you live, sends all the homeless people to Venice, where I live. They don't let them sleep on the streets there. They push them down to Venice. Well, there's a rule here, but Santa Monica feeds them and houses them, so it has the nickname Home of the Homeless. So there's that. Daytime Home of the Homeless, not nighttime. That's a good distinction.

Yeah. This one comes from Adam C. You guys were talking about the next thing to be canceled, horses or horseback riding. My parents have a horse and carriage business. Jesus, are you Amish? And they use big draft horses like the Budweiser horses. They love to work and pull shit, use their muscles. So pulling a carriage is like going to the gym for a bodybuilder.

They love it. Okay. I don't know about that. It's a shame they can't talk. When bodybuilders go to the gym and have a bit put in their mouth and pulled right up and their whole head is harnessed, you know, just like that. Yeah. Yeah. Rob, the bovine woodchuck. Adam, I appreciate your family's business, I guess. I don't know if your explanation totally holds water. I think there might be some merit to it that they're workhorses.

But what were they before humans put them to work? They had nothing on their back. They were pulling nothing. Now, the answer might be that they didn't exist, that these were bred over time. So now we've created this unnatural horse, I guess would be your argument. And so the unnatural horse likes to work. Right. Kind of like all the dogs we created in the most bizarre ways. A dachshund was once a wolf. Yeah. Now it goes down holes after rats or whatever those stupid German dogs do. Yeah. Rob, the bovine woodchuck says some firefighters are called to a fire at a local pub. Oh, it's a joke. He wrote he wrote in a joke. Oh, OK. Some firefighters are

called to a fire at a local pub. They rush inside and find an Irishman standing at the bar. They rescue him and take him outside to safety. One of the firemen asks him, do you know when the fire started? The Irishman responds, I don't know. It was on fire when I got here. Okay, so I misread that joke, and I think it might have been funnier. I don't know. I was on fire when I got here.

Yeah. This is—all right, let's get to the obituaries. And that's all, folks. and that's all folks this was a crazy week because in one week we lost the mother on this on the tv show seinfeld we lost jerry's mother and george's mother within like two weeks of each other that is crazy liz sheridan who was uh she was in seinfeld and alf and she started out this was jerry's mother she sang and That is crazy. one day at a time. And then she was on ALF as a regular, a prominent recurring role. But her biggest role was Helen Seinfeld, the devoted and overprotective mother to Jerry.

She was the only recurring character to appear in all nine seasons of Seinfeld. Sheridan's many other TV appearances include Family Ties, Murder, She Wrote, Melrose Place, American Dad. So that was pretty amazing. And then Estelle Harris, who played George Costanza's mother, who was amazing. She was amazing. Those parents. Oh, my God. But I mean, she she created this character, but she didn't I don't think she had a big career before it.

She was on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. She was Mrs. Potato Head in Toy Story. She was in Tarzan 2, Kim Possible, Stand and Deliver, My Giant, Law & Order, Star Trek. No, I guess she did have a big career, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So those two women died. Rest in peace. Thank you for the laughs, ladies. Remember the one where she's in the hospital and George gets turned on by the nurse in the next?

She was great. Her reactions were so great. Didn't she catch him masturbating? Yeah, totally. Yeah. To a Glamour magazine, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

And then we finally have to give an honorable mention this week to Cynthia, nicknamed Plastercaster Albatron, an artist best known for creating plaster casts of famous musicians' penises, died at 74. News to me. She began her career in 68 creating plaster genitals belonging to artists including Jimi Hendrix. That's a lot of plaster. The Buzzcocks' Pete Shelley, MC5's Wayne Kramer, and the Dead Kenn Kennedys Jello Biafra. Later on she included breasts in her plaster repertoire making casts of bosoms belonging to the

Yeah Yeah Yeah's Karen O. Remember Karen O? She used to go on stage dressed in saran wrap? No I know but she doesn't have big boobs at all was my understanding. Yeah she does. Oh god she had huge fake boobs. Karen O? Yeah. I saw her. She would jump around like Mick Jagger, literally. She was that engaging. I love the yeah, yeah, yes. Maybe she got the implants halfway through her career. When I saw her, she would wear a bodysuit, and it looked crazy, and it seemed very asexual in a way.

So anyway. Well, she was in the plasmatics after that. I think, I think she got implants maybe when she joined the. Oh no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no She's married to Spike Jones. She's new. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Who am I thinking of? I thought it was Karen O. No, Chris can look it up soon.

Look up the plasmatics. Take your time, Chris. Probably. Yes. So she had a close friendship with Frank Zappa. No, she had big boobs. She had big boobs. Yeah, she had.

And I'm pretty sure they were fake. Yeah. I don't know. Really? Anyway, I remember being a boy and being like, whoa. You know, like you get that all of a sudden, you know, sexually charged from some image. And I remember her because you would see her boobs. Oh, Wendy O.

Wendy O. Williams. Not Karen O. Yeah, Wendy O. Williams. Not Wendy Williams. Chris, give your opinion. Look up Wendy O. And they're natural, aren't they? Yeah.

All right, let's get to the funnies. In the meantime, we need to cheer up after three deaths. After women's boobs? Let's cheer up. So, Hag of the Horrible, I put in two, because the first one's just a quick joke that i liked he runs in the door with two tickets in his hand helga i got us two front row tickets yours is for the playhouse and mine is for the jousting tournament uh the next one is, let's see. Oh, no, that's it.

Let's go to the Lockhorns. They're eating dinner, and Leroy is not happy with his dinner. He looks at Loretta, and he goes, wasn't this recipe struck down by a higher court? That's good. The next one is their marriage counselor, who's always exhausted after a visit from the Lockhorns. And he's saying to his receptionist as the Lockhorns are outside,

I think if they each had married other people, I'd have four clients. And then finally, he's sitting there watching baseball. It's baseball season, folks. He's got a smile on his face, and she goes, excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable, like a coma. That's good.

That's a good joke. These are just solid jokes. Okay, well, let's put an end to that. Here's Family Circus, which I have not seen. My voice might not even make it. And Chris put it in. Okay, so we have the dumb redheaded boy, and he's, boy, he looks dumber than usual.

He has his hat on, his birthday hat, and he has holding what looks to be whatever. Anyway, he's saying, he's holding a napkin and, sorry, all this is new to me, and I have COVID, and the crumbs are all falling on the floor. And he goes, this cake I brought home from the party turned into a napkin full of crumbs. I mean, I, I, I was going to say, I don't even have the energy. This might be the most energy I've had. I'm filled with rage right now. He doesn't even try. I mean, what effort is that? What bread crumb? I, I, again, I'm not with it right now couldn't you write a million things yeah oh god yeah or just nothing that day just admit you don't have to take the day off just put

just put out of uh on vacation you're allowed to take a vacation. And I know I said I'd start writing these things, but I have COVID. It's going to be my excuse for a month. And I didn't see this one today, and it's a Friday. Anyway. Well, Chris Denman found a picture of Wendy O. Williams. However, he did not get a picture of

Karen O. So he's doing half his job today. He thinks those are fake. I remember those jumping around like they weren't fake. All right. Sorry. Hold on.

I got to mute me or something. All right. This is a little blondie. Spring is here. And from out of frame, Dagwood is watching TV. And from out of frame, you hear, Dear, does this new bathing suit look okay? And she comes out.

And I mean, talk about looking okay. It's skimmy. The bottoms are like French cut. It's a string bikini. And it's a tube top. There's no straps. Strapless. And she's fucking popping out

of it and and then his hair sticks straight up in the air and she goes i'll take that as a yes and he goes uh-huh and then he goes outside he goes outside to talk to his neighbor herb and he and his hair is also up and he goes I'm assuming Tootsie modeled her new bathing suit. Yeah, why? What do you mean? Why? Why are you outside? Why are you in the bushes talking to your neighbor Herb when your wife is inside wearing almost nothing? You fucking homosexual.

Look at them. They both have their dicks caught in the fence. That's why they're standing there talking to each other. Your dicks are the wrong bush. Also, the neighbor the neighbors like no i just looked through your window exactly no i saw your daughter's bathing suit oh boy yeah oh boy um all right there's a picture of karen oh but she's in a leisure suit so that doesn't really help us um mike you've got covid and yet you got us

through an hour and a half of Sunday papers I tip my cap to your effort if anything my energy was down today I got a massage my wife got me a massage certificate for my birthday and I went and got it today and she went so deep that my

I am just fucking out of it gone alright I have an idea because I don't remember a single funny thing I said It went so deep that my IM's just fucking out of it. Gone. All right. I have an idea because I don't remember a single funny thing I said. Let's act and make a promo now about me taking a COVID test live. Okay. Because we might have it and I'll go back and try to get the legitimate thing. Right.

So it'll be like, here, let's just wait. So Greg, what I'm going to do, I'm going to take a COVID. I'm on day five. I'm going to take a COVID test right now. You have one right now? I have it right now. Look. Now this is good.

This is good. Okay. Okay. I got the swab. Swab's going to go up the nose. Do it. There'll be edits. Boom, boom, boom.

All right. It's in there. All right. Drum roll. Hold on. No, no, no. Ready? Four drops.

One, two, three, four. Now we wait a little bit. Oh, fuck. That wasn't good acting. Let me do another one. Go, go. All right. Drum roll.

Are there lines? Are there lines? Go, are. All right. Drum roll. Are there lines? Are there lines? Go. Are there lines? Are you going to ask me if there are lines? Are there lines? Do it again. All right. Drum roll.

Are there lines? They, fuck. Oh, am I on camera? Let me see. I don't know if this is good. Go ahead. Say, say, can you see lines? Go ahead.

Drum roll. Can you see lines? I don't have the scriptures on me. Go ahead. Say, can you see lines? Go ahead. Drum roll. Can you see lines? I don't know. Time to check. Fuck. That's a promo. Yeah, baby. I know how to cut that shit.

COVID-19. All right. You're going to Boston? I'm going to Boston, 5.45 a.m. So tonight I'm going to hang in, smoke a joint. My wife's out of town. I'm going to watch Spider-Man because I never saw it, the most recent one. Huh.

I can't get through those things, yeah. Oh, I love Spider-Man. I heard SNL's had some. I have to catch up on like five of them. I heard there's some funny stuff in them. Gerard Carmichael did a good job. That was a good episode. Yeah, we talked about that one, but I haven't watched his monologue. I want to watch

the whole thing. Alright, anyway. We did it. Feel better, Mike. Take care of yourself. Get some rest. Drink a lot of liquids. By the time I get back on Monday, you should be out and about, so maybe we'll play some golf.

I doubt it because I think you're going to be carrying the disease by then. Probably. I might have it. I probably caught it getting a massage today. No, I think maybe traveling. Also, have fun traveling with zero masks on the plane required. I know. I know. And you know that all the airlines that have taken the masks off suddenly have staffing shortages because people are getting sick.

Their flight attendants are getting sick. What mask do you wear? The 90, whatever, the MC90, whatever it is. The KN95 or variations thereof. I actually have a KN95. It's a Korean one. It's black, and it's got extra flaps that go under and on top. And it actually is easier to breathe with it on. But it's got a tighter fit.

Wear that because in the research I've done, like especially that guy's Twitter thread, the doctor. Those are it's why they wear them in hospitals. They're dealing with patients because the the the the parallel that was being drawn is if the guy next to you in the plane has it, yes, there's good ventilation and all that. But like a doctor, you'll who are dealing with patients that have been verified to have the disease. Those masks are very effective. Well, Mike, we're going to be called sheep for this.

And you know who's going to call us sheep? A bunch of people all using the same phrase. You know, like people that all follow blindly. All right. Well, thanks to Midcoast Media, Chris and Key and Beth for doing a fine job as always. And we will see you guys next week. Take it-ish. Take it-ish!

Take it-ish! Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it.

Read all about it. X3, X3. Read all about it. Read all about it. X3, X3. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. We got you. Read all about it. Read all about it. Oh, jeez. Read all about it. We got you. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers. Sunday papers.

Read all about it. Oh, there he is. A little energy from Gibbons. It's a Sunday paper, baby. Take it easy. There it is. Take it easy. Wow.

Wow. You yell a lot, Gregory. Yeah. And you don't seem to enjoy it. All right. And you got a newspaper there. Let's do some crinkling. Let's get to it.

Fun page. Extra. Extra. We all about it. Hey. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Sunday Papers! Take it easy! Take it easy!