Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 112 5/1/22

Episode Date: May 1, 2022

A hiker falls in the tank of a port-o-potty, Trump can’t define what a woman is and a couple is married on a Southwest flight to nowhere. Also we talk about who will replace James Corden and penis fish in Florida? Where else?

Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike. Read all about it. I won't tell you twice. Read all about it! Yee-haw! Hey now. Hey now. It's recording. Check, check, check, check. Hey now. You're gonna clap.

One, two, three. It's so tricky that way. Here's my clap. Three, two, one. All right. You got your set. You got your maroon outfit. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Denver, Colorado. Denver Post. I missed it. I'm joining late. What happened? I'm in Denver. I'm in I'm joining late what happened I'm in Denver Mike Gibbons Okay you started Hold on let me turn my volume up here

You started to give a tour You moron First of all of your outfit Yeah Love it For the listeners out there It's a home game We're in the dark colors Mar. It's a home game. Home game.

We're in the dark colors. Maroon shirt under a maroon hoodie. But get up for one second and let me see the chair you're sitting in. Okay. Is this Lady Gaga's garage? This is like, well, a red ornate,

like weird chair, plasticky red, like not plastic wood, but painted shiny. Well, it's I'm in an infamous place right now because the Denver Comedy Works, which is this my second favorite club in the country is. What's first, Portland? I never say who's first because if a club owner yells me, like, why'd you say they're the best? You know, I say, no, I said they're second. You're the best. Erin's your second best wife. I get it.

That's a good system. Right. This is my second favorite podcast. Or girl, lady, gal. I guess she'd be your second favorite gal. All right. Yeah, this is your second favorite podcast, of course. By the way, you're the only one that says that.

No one gets that high um so anyway so this is uh this club you know when you're coming up as a comedian and you're struggling you have to stay in comedy condos because you're not drawing enough for them to justify giving you a hotel room and then then you finally disgusting places. And the worst, the worst, right. You know, like I stayed in,

I stayed in one in green Bay, Wisconsin. And, uh, it was, I was the headliner. So I had my own room with a bathroom. The feature act slept in a smaller bedroom that had no bathroom.

He had to use the one in the hallway and And the MC slept on a fold-out, you want me to say couch, but it's not couch, ottoman. A fold-out ottoman. Wow. Which the feature act who smoked cigars would stay up till three in the morning with his feet on the ottoman.

So this poor motherfucker couldn't even go to bed. He would sit up watching tv and the silverware drawer is just like a bunch of sporks and some soy sauce and and mayonnaise that's got cum in it in the in the fridge it's it's disgusting you don't eat anything in the comedy con so anyway so so cut to that's so cut to that's 20 years ago for me. All right. And I've only stayed in hotels since then, except the big exception is every headliner,

when they work Denver, stays in this fucking amazing condo. Wendy Curtis, who owns the club, bought this thing, and she crunched the numbers and she's like i can either flush you know a grand a week down on hotel on hotels for comedians or i can buy a high-end condo decorate the shit out of it and make it like uh uh here i'll show you all right so so for the listeners I'll kind of walk through this. It's only a close-up, and all I can see is your maroon sweatshirt, but it looks like a loft.

It's a loft, yeah. I see the giant pipe. Yeah, the giant, like, AC or HVAC pipes hanging from the ceiling. Giant cow portrait. Okay, that table. There's the Lady Gaga dining room. There's the Lady Gaga. Red table that looks like it has the Lady Gaga dining room. Red, God. Red table that looks like it has light blue

knee pads on the legs, but it matches your chair. Oh, yeah. It's a set. There's the orange chair also. Okay, it's the orange chair. And then over here is the piece de resistance. Okay, there's two. The Galaga machine. There's a Galaga arcade, like full-on arcade

five foot, six foot tall machine with flanked by two suits of armor yes the suits of armor they look a little mini though uh they're about four feet tall well people were smaller then but maybe it was the uh maybe it was uh uh what's his name anyway chinese leader who was one of the Asian. Genghis Khan. It's Genghis Khan's guys, maybe. And then on the wall here, you'll notice a gallery. These are all one foot square canvases.

And the comedians are given, when you come here, there's a desk that has paint and and one canvas and that's your canvas i honestly thought that was from a local grammar school or preschool and children sent in their canvases so each of these canvases on the wall are from different headliners this is obviously nate bergazzi just wrote wrote nate bergatzi uh maybe we don't know that some of them maybe that was someone's is that fortune feimster whatever her name is yeah that's fortune right there she's good but i mean some of these are incredible look at this one who that looks like anime who did the french bulldog uh where's the french bulldog right in front of your fucking face uh jess

yeah it says dove davidoff i think oh wow yeah oh my god who did the skunk who did pepula pew that looks like professional quality it says j-a-o john henson you know john henson of course wow he can draw i didn't know that and then uh this is a look at this one okay so the listener it's van gogh's bedroom in arles or whatever it was uh you know with the crazy perspective off and they kind of nailed the crazy perspective and then there is the brush strokes i wonder if that uh comedian killed himself after painting that this rainbow you're looking at here was done by jojo fitzsimmons in 2016 when she stayed here i had the whole family stay here it's a two bedroom

it's just got a lot sadder okay here's andrew, wow. Okay, that looks like. Self-portrait. Okay. Honestly, it looks exactly like, remember the volleyball in Castaway? Yeah. Tom Hanks' face. Like, that's the level of Santino's painting. And now here's the foyer. This is a big place. This is the second bedroom.

Whoa. That looks fun. It's fun fun it's fun right wait oh that's okay so that's what it looks like a full-size bed maybe queen that's up against the wall in the corner and the headboard is a corner headboard yeah it's half on the head of the bed and then and then it then equally on the side. That looks very cool. This is the huge bathroom for the guest bathroom. Why don't we do visual podcasts every week where the listeners have to listen to me trying to narrate something and doing a terrible job? And now we come into the living room.

Well, this is the kitchen. Look at the island in the middle. Yep. And then there's a big patio. That patio out back. Looks very sunny right now. Very sunny. Oh, that is a big patio.

Okay. This is your best on the road for stand-ups. I mean, this is your best on the road. This is as good as it gets. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. A lot of artwork of artwork look at that giant bedroom that i stay in i'm so in particular there's a painting by what's his name who does the like balloon dogs of coons maybe all right yeah yeah okay so that's the place and then it's got a great podcast i think we're done it's got a gym it's got everything really yeah and is it in i don't know denver that well i used

to go but like it's a downtown denver yeah it's in larimer square which is where you want to be it's like the coolest part of the city nice and um it's, let me plug in the recorder again. Oh, yeah. Did your Zoom just work during all that? No, right? Yeah, I was carrying it around. Oh, wow. Okay.

I think everything is still functioning. Okay, we did it. We got the tour. I don't think we need to do much else. So I'm in Denver And selling out all the shows Ticket sales are great Awesome I don't know how tonight's gonna be

Because Joe Rogan is in town Playing the theater literally a block away Oh my god, you guys grabbing dinner? We're grabbing dinner He's here with Tony Hinchcliffe And Duncan Trussell Who I fucking love Do you know Duncan trussell who i fucking loved you know yeah trust little i i know i should be more into him but i am impressed by that guy yeah he's great

super super human being and he's the guy that you most want to take mushrooms with right right right no he's kind of expert at that stuff also yeah He has all the life hacks and all bio hacks. Right. Yeah. Sort of like Tony. Tony has a lot of life hacks like Crazy Camaro or no, Corvette. Corvette. Corvette with a vanity plate.

That's a life hack. It says I roast on his license plate. Okay. All right. So I'll give your love to everybody please do say hello to everybody there's someone else i really wanted you to say hello to uh nick swartzen yes yeah you brought him up yeah i do love him on monday there's a genuine love i have for that guy and he's sounding happier he's sounding more content. And that is all I

could wish for him. You know, he, yeah, he is. Uh, I mean, we've known him since he was like 19 years old in New York and he was bouncing around just the sweetest kid, but totally like, uh, like a savant, even at a young age, he was reading like Joseph Campbell and like, he was into, he was into like, he's just a and like he was into he was into like he's just a very intelligent guy but he's also emotionally uh a very very uh very mature for his age he was always and yeah and then and then it was funny when you see someone and there and so aware emotionally and with that aware of their demons. Yeah. And unable to win the battle against them because he was losing that battle against them.

He talks about it on stage. He talks about how pathetic him getting shit faced and doing whatever. Like, I remember he was over here and we both lived on the west side and we were supposed to play paddle tennis and i'm like what are you doing he's like well first i first i have to do my sunday morning game which is find my fucking car i'm like oh no that game we know how that game ends it's not a good ending yeah that's why la is a pot town. It's not a drinking town because you got to drive so much.

Yeah, I know. And then we've got Norm MacDonald's Memorial on Tuesday. Yeah. That's going to be pretty heavy. So I think I might have told you. So I was talking to Frank. Frank Sebastiano is arguably Norm's favorite writer in the world. Yeah. Genius. And, uh, so I'm talking to him, I'm like,

you know what would, and so I'm, I'm thinking about the Memorial, right. And I'm also thinking about how much Norm would hate it. And I said, uh, you know, what would be the greatest thing? If OJ showed up. And I'm texting Frank and Frank goes, dude, that is like brilliant. And that would be Norm's favorite thing ever. So when I did sports show with Norm MacDonald, I pitched the idea. What if you did an interview? And it can also be serious, but this is a sports show. What if you did an interview with one of the greatest running backs

of all time? And he starts to get a glimmer in his eye. I'm like, hear me out. And I go, OJ. And he's like, yes. All he said was yes. And then I found OJ's rep. OJ was in prison at the time in Nevada, but I found his rep. So I find OJ's rep. We contact him. Norm's like, I'd like to talk to him. Norm talks to him and goes, listen, you know, there's, there might be some confusion and all this, but you know, one of my latest routines is that I feel sorry for OJ, which is a brilliant, brilliant routine. He did when OJ was in jail that, you know, cause he's in jail for stealing his own shirt back anyway. Uh, you can kind of imagine where Norm went with that. So anyway, he goes, so please. And he made it like he gave him the most respectful pitch ever or whatever. The guy though, had no idea the context of what norm was talking about and what

norm was trying to repair has no idea. So he goes to him and we never hear back. Cause he, he took it to OJ and we never hear back. And we died laughing in the writers with the good guy. How did that go? Hey, juice,

uh, got a pitch comedy central show wants to interview you. It's a sports show and they want to interview. And he? Hey, juice, uh, got a pitch. Comedy central show wants to interview you. It's a sports show and they want to interview. And he's like, Oh my God. And he must ignore. I mean, OJ still loves being on camera. He can't help himself. He zooms him. You know, he records himself and puts it on Instagram, his opinion on Will Smith like that was out there. So anyway, he's like, how did that go? He's like, Oh, that's good. That's good. Great.

And so, uh, is it John Stewart or what is it? No, it's a sports show. Oh, so who is it? He's like Norm MacDonald. Just we're like, how long do you think the silence was when OJ heard his rep sincerely and rather excitedly pitch Norm MacDonald? He he's like is this like looks at his watch is it fucking april 1st what like what honestly what is this that you're doing right now is this a bit i bet you you've got a 50 50 shot of him doing it if he was asked are they going to really go to him and ask so i know i'm working actually with the producer now who you know john erwin so after frank's encouragement i i then texted i don't think anyone will take only frank and you would take me seriously with this pitch because because you guys know norm everyone else would

think it would be the most insulting and weird and also why, why would you humanize OJ? Norm would not look at it that way. You know? Of course, I didn't tell anyone this, but my pitch would be for an opener, OJ would be like, first of all, I didn't kill Norm.

That would be my pitch for the opener. And then that gets blood on his hands. It reminds people he's a killer, even though in his mind, he wouldn't view it that way. And then it would be something short, you know,

and maybe on videotape. So he's not in the room. Cause it could be pretty uncomfortable. I love it. Yeah. So we're going to norm Tuesday. I can't. Yeah.

I mean, Frank summed it up I go well we should all go out for drinks or lunch after he's like and then he just wrote back let's see how we feel yeah right because it is so I saw Chappelle the other night where the Hollywood Bowl which is really which is the worst venue in the world. I can go on. I can do a tight 15 fucking minutes on that shithole. Parking totally sold out, whatever. One road in, one road out.

I'm actually pitching that to Letterman. I'm like, you know, LA, you have the worst traffic, but you deserve it. So here's what I wrote for Letterman. I'm like, because Letterman lived here, Letterman has on a zoom. We did talked about how bad the traffic is and somehow it's gotten worse. And so I pitched him. I'm like, well, I go, you deserve it. I like, here's what you did. It's like, you have a one narrow road that goes from Hollywood to the Valley. I have an idea. Let's put the Hollywood bowl there. It's like putting Madison Square Garden on the Brooklyn Bridge. Like, what are you doing?

Yeah, right. And then on the west side of L.A. I'm just going to do five minutes of material. On the west side of L.A., you got the 405, another one narrow road that goes to the valley. Let's put one of the world's biggest museums there. It's like New York has great museums. We didn't put any on the world's biggest museums there. It's like, New York has great museums. We didn't put any on the George Washington Bridge. You've heard me go off on this, but all the parking sold out.

Then you get in there. By the way, the box seats, you see people, you see in the Hollywood Bowl, you see chairs in the air like it's a Jewish wedding. You see human beings holding up chairs. That's because no one can get out of the luxury boxes because there's four chairs packed in like it's a bus. Well, whatever, I'll go on forever. Chappelle is amazing, though.

What did he talk about? Did he talk about trans stuff at all? That's a burning question. All right. I would never tell any of his jokes because it's going to be a special and I don't want to burn his material. But he goes, but anyway, he goes, so I made, if you saw it, he's like, and none of that community probably made it to the end of my last special.

I'm sure. But I made a vow. I promised I would never talk about the trans community again. And I intend to keep that promise on tape. And he goes, but we're fucking live and your phones are locked up. And then he goes, I love the trans community. He's like, if they watch him especially they would know that he's like i have no problem with them till now those fuckers try to get me canceled

they'll try to get me fired and every time i say fuckers it's not fuckers it's the n-word but uh he was so so funny about it it was great oh God. And he won't put this in his special either. He talked about, he's like, now you got, I forgot how he got into the subject. He's like, how's swimming going on the trans issue? And he talks about the guy, because you know, the transgender swimmer. The best he ever did in his life was 447th. That's the best he ever did. He then becomes a woman.

Second place was 38 seconds behind him. And he goes, hey, ladies, silver's the new gold, bitches. I was dying. Ah, that's great. Okay, he had one line. This isn't a joke. This is the last thing I'll dying. Ah, that's great. Okay, he had one line. This isn't a joke. This is the last thing I'll say. He had one line which made me laugh one of the hardest,

and it was just an aside. It might not even make it. Maybe he'll never even do it again. It was just maybe this night. It was just an aside. He's telling a long story about a guy shaking his fence and screaming, come out, N-word, come out, and his wife and screaming, come out N word, come out. And his wife being terrified and he's in the back lounge anyway, he goes, so I grabbed my car keys.

I went out there and I was all alarmed and on, on, oh, and he grabbed his gun. He talked about all this and he made a lot of fun of the gun in a really funny way. And then he goes, uh, and he goes, and I got in my car and I drove down my driveway at 60 miles an hour. And then he goes, and he goes, and I got in my car and I drove down my driveway at 60 miles an hour. And then he paused and he goes, I know a lot of you think what I just said,

you know, think that's really unsafe. That's because you're picturing your driveway. It was so funny and he talked because he talked about it was a porsche 911 like he already did he's already he already set the tone with the elitist things you know i grabbed my nearest car keys he's like because i have a lot of cars so i guess that was important like i have a lot of cars this one happened to be my porsche 911 carr. And then I drove 60 miles an hour on my drive.

Yeah. And so funny. So who opened for him? Jeff Ross. Okay. But I was late because all the goddamn parking was sold out. Everyone's pulling U-turns in the, the tiny road that the bowl is on, and you have to go down the hill,

and then you go one by one to every hotel and public parking lot down there and buildings that are sold out. Remember where we parked? When we went to the dead? Yeah, we parked at a hotel. And we thought that was the find? Well, secret's out on that one.

Packed. So anyway, we get and jeff ross is up there and jeff's a friend of both of ours so this is no special treat for me at all to see jeff do it and he's like uh hey how about another hand for pete davidson i'm like what no kidding come on so then then Jeff pulls the people up and roast them. And I'm like mouthing the words to a lot of the things he's saying, because I've seen it so many times. I'm like, well, here comes five minutes on people's shirts. And Jeff's great though. And actually it was an amazing MC. And then he introduced a huge band set up and I'm like, like very big.

And then, uh, Erica, but do comes out. No shit. Really? And I'm telling you, man,

Dave's sharing a lot of his, uh, proceeds from this because this was exactly how Erica, but do would play the Hollywood bowl. If this were her show, I, uh, eight band members,

at least two giant Congo drum stand, regular giant drum kit over on the other side, backup singers that like all in uniform. Like, yeah, it was, it was impressive. And then, you know, I think only played five songs or something like that. That's amazing.nell donnell of course also yeah he boy boy boy and i've worked with donnell man did he not clean it up for the crowd i'm talking the grossest he has a eight minute bit on wet ass pussy that is far grosser than the song and then he gets all warm. And then he's like, Oh my God.

Just so you know, he's like, come on out here. And his like six year old son walks out. I'm like, Oh wow. Everyone must've been like, were there headphones backstage? Yeah.

Yeah. Right. And then Chappelle made fun of it at one point. He's like, how about Donnell? He's like, what was that shit? Was that make a wish foundation?

What the fuck was that? All right, so wait. Speaking of the festival, it's part of the Netflix festival, right? Oh, God. Slow down. I wrote down some dates of people on the whole calendar that piqued my interest. And I'm wondering if you want to go Brian Regan is playing May 8th I think it's a Sunday night yeah that sounds fun that's right for sure yeah

and at the Wiltern yeah I've ruled out I'm not going to go see John Mulaney at the Forum no I'm not going to go see Fluffy at Dodger Stadium oh god don't do that greg be generous just when dodger stadium couldn't get more mexican oh no dyers um i want to see please don't destroy those are the kids from saturday night live but they're sold out but they're in the bourbon room okay here's, but maybe you just saw him. I mean, I'm pitching you friends who all you have to do is show up and stand backstage. It's not the same for me. But Doug Stanhope is at the Avalon April 30th.

Is that today? That's today. Yeah. That'll be a great show. Is there a way you could text him and see if he's playing smaller rooms this week? I'm sure he is. I'm sure he'll be at the Comedy Store. I guarantee it.

Sam, yeah? I'll be there on Thursday. You should come down Thursday because Beth Hoops, who's our producer with Chris Denman, is going to be there. Wait, a week from yesterday, whatever. May 5th at the Comedy Store. All right, I love it. Yeah. May 4th, Burr with Friends at the Palladium.

Sam Morrill is May 2nd. Okay, I'm leading up to the one I'm going to, no matter what. I'm just asking you if you want to go with me. Oh, Jimmy Carr. He's great. I love Jimmy Carr. Wait, did you say May 5th? Yeah.

Oh, maybe I could squeeze in both. Because he has a show at 7 and 9.30 on May 5th, Jimmy Carr at the Palace, which seems like a reasonably sized venue. Okay. What time do you think you're doing the store? Probably like 9.30. All right. Maybe I do you think you're doing the store? Probably like 9.30. All right. Maybe I do 7 Jimmy Carr. Nice.

He's so, what a jokesmith. All right. But this is the one I'm leading up to that I'm going to no matter what. Colin Quinn, Wednesday, May 4th, 7 p.m. Yeah. Masonic Lodge. Masonic Lodge Masonic Lodge sounds intimate if you ask me

okay I will never pass up seeing Colin no Colin's the best Colin is still a guy who's excited about stand-up comedy after all these years he still shows up with new shit with

the total commitment he gives a shit um he's the real deal uh let's go see let's see colin let's see brian regan uh okay yeah that's so they're not all right enough i think we're boring the shit out of people at this point this is a comedy podcast when they i mean they're probably getting very jealous that they're not here in L.A. Well, come on out to L.A. for the festival. True. I. What is this about Olivia?

Oh, Olivia calls me just a little note. Olivia calls me all day. She's like, Dad, so I'm thinking about getting a fake I.D. OK, so Olivia is 16. She's turning 17 in August. You know how easy it is now You just basically You go online

My kids both did it When they were about the same age And you fill out this This thing And in China They send you two IDs For about $60 And they are

Fucking replicas Of your state's ID Including the hologram Including the magnetic swipe you know the strip that they wipe through it fucking works my daughter has one has the barcode where when they scan in the bar it works yep don't know how well it's china hey listen they figured out how to infect us all with their fucking flu so uh they get things done um the i wish it were that simple greg because here's the phone call uh dad first of all that i haven't even said no at that juncture is i don't know if i'm parent

of the year or the worst parent of the year and she's like i want to get a fake idea i'm like right she's like uh so five of my friends too. I'm like, uh, there, I start to say, he's like, no, she's like, dad, dad, dad, hold on. Uh, so anyway, five of them and it's going to be 335, whatever it is. I'm like, right. And she's like, anyway, and I, I started to go, Olivia, I I'm not I can't pay for another kid's fake ID order. She said, Dad, just listen. You haven't even let me finish. I'm like, OK, go ahead.

Can I have your Social Security? Because we have to buy it with crypto. Can I have your social security number? Because we have to buy it on the blockchain. And I said, why didn't you lead with that? Cause that's the easiest. No,

I've ever said to you. Yeah. Right. I didn't have to, by the way, you could have said you wanted to buy flowers for mom. It did. It it's a no,

no matter what. Right. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. I forgot yeah i forgot yeah you buy him you buy them as a group these ids you get you get like five or six people together and uh and they give you a special deal well i told you when sophie got hers i said can i join she's like what are you talking about i'm like i'll make mine 65 to get all these discounts and she's like she was so mortified and embarrassed that her dad was going to be joining her pod of fake ids oh that's hilarious yeah think about all the savings skiing movies yep

fuck every everything so it's still a good idea, I think. Golfing at Penmore? Cheaper? Let's do it. Can I get your social? Oh, speaking of memorials, I went to Mary Fitzgerald's father's memorial. I'm so bummed I missed that. What a legend that guy was. In Boston last weekend.

And he, what a legend. Jesus Christ. last weekend and uh he what a legend jesus christ this guy i mean they were telling stories about how he was always he was a bookie he and you know he was a bookie in south boston his whole life spent time in jail um was a tough guy oh yeah and they talked about before he went off to korea to become a fucking war hero decorated he was part of this group called like the frozen dozen because it was only 12 guys that survived this massive battle that was like in an ice storm where they were freezing for like 10 days nobody knows how they survived and um but before that he was a teenager and he'd go to boston commons and he would give shoe shines. But he said the soldiers would come and they had no pockets.

So they would keep their cigarettes in their socks. And he became very adept at swiping cigarettes from the soldier's socks and then selling them for a penny. And Diane was talking about like some of the advice that he gave out to her as a girl. She's like, I was nine. And my father gave me advice like, never trust a cripple. They got a chip on their shoulder. And he goes, and if a guy tries to pull you in a car, punch him in the throat and run. Better to get shot in the back than stuck in the back of that car.

And she's like, I'm nine years old. Oh. He should have published a book of advice. That's fantastic. I think the race has to be on for who is going to produce the movie about this guy's life because. Oh, he stood up to Whitey Bulger. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And Bulger's like the balls on you. But the characters at this at this wake. I mean, this was this is like deep Dorchester like kid. And this woman was speaking. She's like, and I used to go up to the library, not the library, the library. It's amazing that the library is even in the vernacular. Why don't you believe the story?

Why would she be going to the library? Yeah. But so there's six kids and they're all characters all the fitzgerald kids are bigger than life the boys were golden gloves boxing champs as teenagers and then like some of the toughest kids in dorchester diane one of them's the fire captain yep yep well that's the that's the brother-in-law is the oh Oh, he is. Okay. Sorry. And, um, but we, we went out to dinner and, uh, Mary had a few cocktails. She was, did she? Yeah. She was very funny. She, she told some good, she didn't get up and speak, but she didn't. Nope. Nope. They're not a lot of

love lost. I mean, he was not a good dad, as you can imagine. No, no, no. But Mary organized this. Do you know, she called the Boston globe was a journalist there. Really? No, no, no. I don't know if she wants to be telling this story. It's a great story. It's short. Basically she called the Boston globe and she's like, Hey, you know this, of course, every kid's going to call about their dad, but I wanted to like maybe just draw your attention. Like my my dad was like has been written about in the Boston Globe before. Mike Barnicle wrote this amazing article. Maybe it was the Herald. But anyway, he's been written about before. And I actually think objectively he's deserving of a little more attention than like a mention in the obits.

And he heard her out and she, and he wrote a big article. No shit. Yeah. And, and that guy also, I think Mary was like falling in love with him. Just also the idea that he was respecting her dad so much and the whole thing,

but also he's like a rockstar journalist. And anyway, um, like one of her favorites, I think he was going to go to the. And anyway, like one of her favorites, I think he was going to go to the service was the last I heard or her hope anyway. He might've been there. I didn't meet him.

I met a guy who was a fucking, these guys are so tough. The guys are in their seventies and they shake your hand and you're like, I would not fuck with this man. Wow. Hands like steel grips. And this guy told me, he was telling me stories about how he used to fight I would not fuck with this man. Wow. Hands like steel grips.

And this guy told me, he was telling me stories about how he used to fight Marvin Hagler three times when Hagler was an amateur on his way up. And he beat him one of the times. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was awesome. So anyway, if people want to look up, if there is an article, his name was Maurice Fitzgerald. And if there's an article in The Globe, look it up and read it. I'm sure it's interesting. Well, listen, how about this? If you can't find it, look up Maurice Fitzgerald and type in the word Barnacle. B-A-R, just like it sounds, B-A-R-N-A-C-L-E. Mike Barnacle. That was, I mean, we used to read Barnacle when we lived in Boston. Oh, the best. Yeah. This,

I mean, we used to read Barnacle when we lived in Boston. Oh, the best, yeah. This, he's like the Jimmy Breslin of Boston. Every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday he had columns. His article about, because he was like, and then this guy said this to me, because her dad totally insulted Barnacle. And it was actually, all right,

there's the last thing I'll say. Well, the most amazing part of the Barnacle article, although there's many amazing things and it was and he goes to me he's like hey who gives a fuck what you think what's going on with you guys meaning journalists tell us the news save your opinion yeah i mean talk about being prescient i where's that? We need more of him now about that. Right, right. So we should talk about Michael Solomon, today's theme song, a little country. Goes with the logo.

Yeah, it goes with the logo, which was also done by Michael Solomon, who got the hat trick this week. He did the graphic and he also did the song. It's a tribute to Wheeler Walker Jr.'s new album, which is called Sex Drugs and Country. I don't even know. I think it's called Sex Drugs and Country.

But it's on the charts on iTunes. Check it out. Probably Sex Drugs and Country music, maybe. Yeah. Corrections. Bob Patterson said, there is no such thing in bowling. I said there was a 1-10 split.

He said it's a 7-10 split. Jesus, Greg. Okay. There's no such thing. All right, who knows. Thanks, Bob Petterist. Rick McCarthy, a little bit of correction about JFK and PT-109.

Kennedy had a pre-existing back injury and probably shouldn't have been in the Navy. More importantly, he was in charge of the fastest boat in the U.S. Navy fleet and got run down by a Japanese destroyer. Somebody screwed up to ever get in that situation. Wait a minute. Okay, first of all, I that uh i i do believe it was at night and i don't think it was at night and i don't think it was a race no the destroyer it is weird that the the boat his boat literally got split in half by a japanese destroyer and

these pt boats were like badasses at the time it was it was like a brand new uh type of a fleet uh they had a fleet of like a hundred of these boats he was given one of them and uh and i mean not only did he have a bad back he had so many pre-existing medical conditions he had something wrong with his stomach he had um uh God I can't remember the disease he had But he was like in constant pain And Yeah he was skinny as shit because of it He was like 6 feet tall

And he weighed like 140 pounds And also He was slowly dying because there was no pussy On that boat Speaking of pussy I got some stand upup dates coming up oh i will be at the uh tacoma comedy club may 19th through the 21st irvine improv may 27th through the 29th and bakersfield at the well on june 11th i'm gonna wait june i'm remind me of that oh yeah maybe we'll do a live podcast.

Well, I want to see what's going on in Buck Owen's Palace Theater or whatever his venue is up there. I want to see what he's playing. Okay, good. Listen, also, you guys, I want to remind you that spring is almost here. You want to have that soft, soft grass under your feet, that feeling of nature abounding. Sunday, get your lawn growing, and it helps keep it healthy all season long. And you don't have to worry about dangerous chemicals

because Sunday doesn't use that crap. If you've got dogs or cats or various animals, maybe you've got a cow. You want them to use the stuff they use which is like seaweed iron molasses kids can play on it without you worrying about it it's natural y'all yeah so it's time to prep and it's real easy to do it all you have to do is visit sunday.com put in your address and their lawn analysis tool does the rest. Then they use soil and climate data to create a personal nutrient plan delivered to your door when you need it. Just attach the ready to use pouch to a garden hose and spray.

It takes less than 15 minutes. Best of all, this stuff really works. And Sunday is offering our listeners 20% off. Full season plans start at just, for this 129 dollars and you get 20 off of that at checkout bring a sprung y'all uh get sunday.com slash papers that's 20 off your custom plan at get sunday.com slash. Now, Mike, at 40 minutes in, let's do a news story. Are we going to? I have an envelope.

There you go. With dates written on it. You want me to let me open the envelope over here. Here. The first one is this. You're ready for front page. Yeah. There we go.

All right. Front page. Extra. Extra. We all about it. Extra. go all right front page Harvard University has released a report detailing the school's involvement in the U.S. slave trade oh wait a minute faculty and staff owning slaves and professors teaching racial eugenics in 2019 Harvard president Lawrence Bacco formed a committee that included Oh. Those that were enslaved lived on campus and were responsible for providing care for Harvard's presidents, professors and students. The university also heavily supported the study of eugenics, the concept of encouraging selective breeding for the purpose of purifying the human race.

Aren't they still doing that? Huh? Still doing that, aren't they? I think they are. Yeah. I think they are, yeah. So there's some steps they outlined, the monetary reparations for black and indigenous students who are descendants of enslaved persons in the U.S.

So I guess black students are going to get some money out of this. Oh, good. And you got to think, there were probably, at the time, there were probably slaves that were like Matt Damon and Good Will Hunting that were smarter than the students. How do you like them apples? You know, the apples I grew and picked for you and brought to your table. How do you like them apples? How do you like them apples? The study also found that one of the slaves at Harvard created Facebook and

that's actually who Zuckerberg stole it from. Yeah. And the Zuckerberg is like, if you created Facebook, then you would have invent if you invented Facebook, then you would have invented Facebook. We did. Yeah. Yeah. That was my Caribbean accent. That's great. I wonder if the Harvard slaves were snobs to other slaves. I wonder if the Harvard slaves were snobs to other slaves.

Like he washes and irons his Harvard tie like he's a slave at Harvard. Shut up. You're just a Boston University slave, you bitch. There was a hiker, a 40-year-old woman in Washington, is recovering from a tough experience. She fell headfirst into a pit latrine at the trailhead for Walker Mountain in the Olympic Peninsula. All right, so I read this article this morning,

and I'm like, are they going to tell me how she, and it turns out they are. No, they'll tell you. They're waterless, non-flush toilets, and she fell in during her attempt to recover her cell phone. She slid headfirst down into the bowl. I think bowl is an understatement. Also, I bet she wishes it did have water at that point. yeah after 20 minutes in the toilet she found her phone and was able to call 9-1-1 uh they rescued her making a makeshift platform for her to step on and then they pulled her out the quote the patient was strongly encouraged to seek medical attention after being exposed to human waste but

she only wanted to leave okay wait hold on you cut out one detail since I read it this morning. She was so afraid of falling in. She had, I guess, a dog leash with her and she rigged it. So she tied the dog leash up to somewhere in the porta potty. Used that to hold Anu as she dipped herself into the toilet to reach the phone down there and then the leash gave but that's how afraid of the exact thing that happened she was yeah and you gotta think that that that human excrement in particular was noxious it was pure evil it was just trail mix and granola bars mixed with green juices and then and then marched up a hill churned around in a belly that hiked 12 miles before

shat out it's when you're hiking it's truly waste everything else is used your body uses you barely pee when you hike and you are and you run out of water because your body's using everything so it is the most toxic shit literally that comes out of you when you're hiking like body can't use it it needs it desperately you You're losing pounds. Get that out of the body, says the body. Yeah. I think she's going to join the crew for Jackass 19. Oh, this just in. She's dead. No, I'm kidding.

But probably a good guess. Okay. Just a couple of details in the story. When she falled in, it said she looked for the, to call help, she looked for the phone for 20 minutes. How much waste is in there that you're looking for 20 minutes? She had to have found other things. She's like, okay, well, save me.

I've also found two wallets a bunch of car keys and 40 rigorously used tampons oh no oh god chris says her pink eye should clear up by the end of the year which year that's generous. Yeah, this century. I don't even think there's any coming back from this. I love that she didn't seek medical attention. She was embarrassed.

She wanted to get out of there. And you know she's done with hiking. She's like, fuck this. I'm taking the bus home. Oh, please. It's such a trigger. It's such a trigger. Hey, honey, you want to go hiking?

it's such a trigger hey honey you want to go hiking speaking of women on Jeopardy Canadian tutor Matea Roach is being covered in the media left and right for ongoing win winning streak on Jeopardy the 23 she was assigned a woman at birth

we think she's a woman at birth. We think she's a woman. Like, God, I take that back. We think she identified as a woman from birth and was born with the vulva. Because the highest ranking Jeopardy woman of all time is a trans woman. Well, I don't think this woman's trans. All right, I'm confusing the issue go ahead i think she's a well go get him girl nbc news shared a story about her achievement on the game show okay quote and this is what they wrote this is what nbc news wrote quote the 23 year old

lesbian tutor from toronto has amassed a total of 320 00020,000, the most by a Canadian contestant in Jeopardy history. That is insulting to just call her a Canadian like that. Just call her a player. Why do they have to identify her as that? Just, hello, she's just a lesbian woman. Why the label? By the way, 23-year-old lesbian lesbian tutor way to bury the hot lead right right blah blah blah woman's doing well in jeopardy blah blah 23 year old lesbian tutor yeah by the way what's a lesbian tutor does she she tutors lesbians like what how to change the oil in a 2006 Subaru Legacy Outback

how to score a little fair tickets and stub hub the day before how to do the alphabet with your tongue okay then there's a lot of classes well you you know if you want to get into the right schools. All right, hold on. Chris Demmon's writing a joke. Here we go. How to move in with someone after knowing them for a week. That is a famous lesbian thing.

Sounds like Chris has dated a lesbian. Is that a famous lesbian thing? Oh, yeah. The famous lesbian joke is, uh, what is, uh, uh,

what is, uh, a les, what do you give? Wait, what do you call a sec, a lesbian second date moving in together? What do you call a gay second date?

What second date? Oh, all right. Did I say lesbian twice? Gay man. I meant gay man. Yeah. Yeah I say lesbian twice? You mean gay man. I meant gay man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm so foggy today. Sorry if I seem foggy. I was up all night. All night. Why is that? I don't know. Oh, wait. Was it your first night?

No, I got here Thursday. It was my second night. Because altitude. The altitude, I think it's the altitude. I've been off in general. You're only at 5,000 feet, but still, altitude, man, ruins your first night. Dude, and I just keep drinking water.

I've had like 10 bottles of water a day, and then I go to urinate, and just, it's like you're talking about with the hikers. It's just like nothing comes out. My penis is just looking at me like, like nothing. I'm just dry. Well, not the ladies after hearing that story hey now uh speaking of the ladies trump's woman that's the second one in a row go ahead donald trump refused to define the word woman in an interview despite republicans spending the last several weeks mocking justice katanji brown jackson for refusing to do the same

so piers morgan decided to ask trump to provide a definition he said quote a woman is somebody that swims at a certain time and doesn't get beaten by 38 seconds by someone that wasn't even a good swimmer as a male. Okay. Oh, my God. He flipped it. That would be so funny if he said it right. Okay, go ahead. Like, that's your answer? That's amazing. He's amazing.

I miss him. Chappelle said the same thing about how amazing he is. He's really amazing. I miss him. Chappelle said the same thing about how amazing he is. He's really amazing. I miss him sometimes. Um, so, uh, and then here's quotes from other Republicans.

This is from Tom Tillis. I have more of a traditional view of what a woman is. My wife, someone, uh, and then Josh Hawley is Republican fromouri said someone who can give birth to a child a mother is a woman well what if a woman can't get pregnant is she not a woman yeah all right and then the best was marjorie taylor green i well i can i am on the edge of

my seat i cannot wait to see what she did. She say, I can't recall. I assume that's her answer to everything. Now she said, I'm going to tell you right now. What is a woman? That is an easy answer. We come from Adam's rib. God created us with his hands. We, we may be the weaker sex. We are the weaker sex, but we are our partners our husband's wife what a definition yeah she thinks we came from adam's rib you know i always thought with that that that was a metaphor for like adam's cock like his rib is that what he meant as no what what did he do with it? You think he masturbated and out came a woman? I don't know. Just seems phallic.

The more I wait, hold on. I kind of like my story now. Maybe I'll create a religion. Uh, I thought Trump's answer would be like, what is a woman? Easy peasy.

When I grab a person by the pussy, if, if, if it says nothing, and doesn't report me, that's a woman. Also, if I grab it and it's very strange, I don't really consider that a real woman. Yeah, a woman is someone on an island you have sex with, and then you marry marry her and then she resents being the first lady. You know what a woman is? It's someone you promise to spend

the rest of your life with, cheat on them, and you do that about three times. That's a woman. Speaking of Marjorie, she granted an hour-long interview to the far-right catholic news organization church militant it's called church militant wow okay green is an evangelical protestant not a catholic in the interview green rehashed old beefs described herself as a victim of january 6th and

said the u.s is so sinful she doesn't understand why god hasn't destroyed us. I'm with her on that one. She also suggested that Satan is controlling the Catholic Church. So this group, they're trying to preserve authentic Catholicism in the face of a church hierarchy he describes as an international crime syndicate run by a gay cabal in his crusade against the church Voris has launched two coalitions for what he calls canceled and persecuted priests as well as an anonymous network he calls the news catacomb comprising clerics who denounce the evil in the hierarchy oh wow yeah wait there was one part here oh i made a joke on something you you shortened this i think since this morning oh yeah because what they were going to do was um this place voris or whatever, warned,

very publicly warned that if Biden gets elected, don't complain as you're being boarded onto the trains that are going to take you to all the Catholic camps, you know, camps, concentration camps for Catholics. Wow. But I immediately thought about like, that is the scariest image ever because I assumed he was talking about,

uh, Catholic summer camps. Oh, even worse. And I mean, kill yourself before the train gets to the station. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to, uh, we're going to make wallets and then, uh then and then we're going to give all the boys handjobs. The order that, you know, that organization they described sounded incredibly crazy until I read that they considered the Catholic Church an international crime syndicate run by a gay cabal. And I'm like, I've never read a more efficient accurate description of the catholic church ever than that but it got me thinking about marjorie taylor green's re-election campaign ads they must be fascinating you know the giant list of endorsements like you know like uh you're endorsed by flat earthers the new kkk tiki torch manufacturers scott bayo the hallmark channel

the cousin your aunt doesn't let out of the house blue lives matter the pizzagate foundation area 51 the remote the remote control planes flown by jews the band creed the 5G is killing us coalition. I could go on and on. Jesus, that was a jam-packed punchline there, Mike Gibbons. Sadly, that flew out of my keyboard onto the page. I don't know how I had those all at my disposal. I can't even remember anyone's name, yet that just flew out of me. Sunday Papers, bought to you by Starbucks and Ritalin. That's exactly it all right we're going on entertainment let me grab my envelope all right you want to skip the uh

southwest airlines no whoa i didn't see that where is that yeah southwest airlines oh my god i love that story all right why don't you read it just to break it up since I put literally every single story in the script this week. All right, slow down, sister. Dozens of passengers arriving in Phoenix Sunday took a flight they will never forget. For two people on board, it was life-changing. They got married 37,000 feet above Arizona. Jeremy and Pam said, I do on Southwest Flight 2690. After weather delays and cancellations forced them to miss their scheduled vows in Vegas.

The couple planned to go straight from the Las Vegas airport to a chapel where they had an appointment. The weather in Dallas, though, derailed their best laid plans. Quote, they switched terminals on us. Then they switched gates and they finally just say it's canceled, said Jeremy. And we're dressed up. They were dressed and visibly stressed, trying to figure out how we're going to get to Vegas in time. The universe sent Chris over, he says. And then Chris is like, hey, I think I can help you out. And boy, did he said, Pam, Chris was an ordained minister and the flight attendants doubled as maids of honor quote, they're putting toilet paper streamers. They dim the lights and

had everyone click their call attendant button. They downloaded here comes the bride and they welcomed everybody to the flight and to our wedding. There was a makeshift reception. One passenger's donut was the wedding cake. Wow. Wow is right. By the way, the dressed part, they went to the airport, he in his tux and she wearing a wedding gown. Wow.

I'll tell you something. I have never flipped out on a flight before, but if this happened on my flight i would be the biggest fucking karen southwest had ever seen where was tyson punching them all in the face please this is the flight iron mike yeah can we focus the flight attendants of the maids of honor with the pilots for the ushers? Wait a minute. Who's flying the plane? We put it on autopilot, you know, as a metaphor for how how marriage gets after about five years.

They should make an ad. Southwest should do their ad like just when you thought Southwest could not get any worse. Hey, honey, let's do something romantic. What's the most romantic setting on earth for a wedding? They both yell Vegas, jinx, then the flight's delayed. It's kismet, a blessing from beyond, a divine accident. Why didn't we think of this? Southwest Airlines. Yeah, not American, not United. Southwest. this southwest airlines yeah not american not united southwest wasn't it hard focusing on the

vows when the whole row staring at you is in shorts and flip-flops with blooming toe fungus oh god the worst dressed people of any airline they they are it looks it looks like people that a hurricane hit and then they had to go to a church to get clothing and that's what they walk out looking like that's what a southwest flight looks like i was just talking to someone about southwest and uh and they're like uh why it should just be classified as a bus yeah i think for their anniversary she's gonna she's gonna give him a greasy hand job at a greyhound station perfect um so good news for gibbons for gubbins there's no good news for me I actually, this is also entertainment, but I'm going to put it into the government section.

Oh. While on stage at CinemaCon, Olivia Wilde received legal papers from her ex-fiancé, Jason Sudeikis, with whom she shares two children. As Wilde spoke to the crowd in Las Vegas, an unidentified woman approached the director star with the envelope labeled personal and confidential and slid it to the middle of the stage wild picked it up and looked inside quote i'm going to open it now because it feels like it's a script she said at the time yeah it's a script and then you saw what she said

oh after a quick perusal of the content she responded okay got it thank you so when i first read this it was a it was a headline immediately this week i was like oh this is such bullshit i thought it was a joke. In other words, I thought the story was real, but I thought it was Sudeikis and his wife, or his ex-girlfriend, actually, or fiance, doing a bit. Right. And, like, kind of showing we're still friends

and going to be the best parents ever, blah, blah, blah, blah. Not the case at all. This was a real incident, and she was flabbergasted. Well, the reason why this is under gubbins is we're on a text chain, and somebody posted this story, and one of our friends said that he had had a horrible experience with her and found her to be very condescending and snooty. And I mean, she's got a background. If you if you read about her on Wikipedia, she was born into like landed British royalty, not royalty, but like, you know, old money.

And she went to that high school that George Bush went to, Andover, I think. Oh, wow. In Massachusetts. And just everything about her is like blue blood. All right. But then Dennis Gubbins piped in and said that she was very nice to him and went to his one-man show in New York years ago. Right. to his one-man show in New York years ago.

Right. So, you know, I guess the awkwardness of getting served on stage at an awards show is nothing compared to being pinned in the third row of Gubbins doing a monologue about how tough it is to be a redhead. I also added to the text chain. I'm like, you know, I've always thought she was a little off. I don't know if you guys know this,

but she went to Dennis's one-man show in New York. But how about her saying, I'm going to open this now because it feels like a script. Yep, it's a script, all right, and here's your audition. Try to act right now like you don't want to stuff Jason's dick down his throat with a branding on

how seething are you this moment and by the way he immediately came out and said he had no idea how they were being served but people are often served at work and it was a woman who served her the papers and it was at work like this was her yeah there has to be a witness i guess i think and anyway uh but if he had done it on purpose there is no better outcome ever i mean her saying oh i guess i'm gonna open it like she didn't have to open it that second yeah yeah and she did. Wow. That's amazing. I want to get an interview with the woman who served the papers.

That was creative. That was really creative, yeah. Here's some news that will hit home for you. James Corden, your old boss. I saw this. A man you won an Emmy with him. Yeah, I did. After eight and a half years,

James Corden will finally be getting out of the carpool karaoke game. On Thursday, he announced he will host a late night series for just one more year. It's been really hard decision to leave because I'm so immensely proud of the show. I'm thrilled to be extending for a year.

I've always thought I'd do it for about five years and then leave and then i stayed on but i've been thinking about it for a long time thinking whether there might be one more adventure now that cordon has announced his departure it's time to ponder an age-old question who should replace him nobody what do you mean okay i helped james launch that show letterman left and it was a shit show of uh scheduling letterman left letterman like then at his last show and then cordon was hired and and then they gotbert, but they got Colbert after Corden. So Corden's premiere date, I think it was like, uh, early April of 20, uh, whatever year they said he was maybe 17 or something. So anyway, but Colbert wasn't for another, like two months or something.

but Colbert wasn't for another like two months or something. And we were all like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So the show that follows Colbert is going to start before there's Colbert and there's no Letterman. And I'm like,

well, obviously give us the 1130. And they were like, not a fucking chance. And because a big part of it is like, God forbid you did well or whatever. Like, you know, you're stealing Colbert's thunder. Swear to God, this is true.

So they aired a repeats of like CSI or criminal minds or some whatever, whatever, whatever. What are those called? But anyway, a drama. Procedural. Procedural. They added a procedural, like blood, rape, killings before. That was our lead in for an hour. So I was so livid.

I'm like, here's our cold open. Our cold open is talking CSI. You know, like they used to have todd the talking dead after walking dead and we are going to fucking talk about the repeat and i wrote the script in the writer's room all like we love the idea and it's like like how about that show it's like well yeah i saw it already you know it was a repeat it was and we shit on the fact that it was a repeat and everyone's confused because they had seen it before. So then CBS doesn't like that we're doing that.

So I'm like, go fuck yourselves. Here's and James, to his credit, was so game. The next night we started before even the open, it was a cold open. We did talking CSI and then it ends and James goes and next stay tuned for talking, talking CSI where we talk about the show you just saw and then it go and we've got a whole new package and there he is with Reggie Watts and we talk about talking CSI and i would not have stopped and james adventures that we can't i mean this is my start this is the beginning of my relationship with cbs and i'm like i want to for two months tell them to go fuck themselves yeah well mike gibbons always taking on the power that's why i'm in a closet

this is by the way kids this is where sticking to your values and your beliefs and your and your core uh you know approach to the this is where it gets you yep especially in hollywood you've done it on every network you've ever been on and they respect you for it but you know it can haunt you a little. I've run out of outlets. So who do you see as the people are talking about Roy Wood Jr.

who I think is very funny. He does The Daily Show a lot. He had a Comedy Central special and he hosted that he took over Ari Shaffir's show. I say bring back Kilborn. Bring back Kilborn. He's still got the suits, right? By the way, you know, they let me audition. You know that.

I hosted that show for an hour. But so here's the history of that show for people that don't know. David Letterman owned, because we have comedy fan listeners. So here's the story of this show for people that don't know. David Letterman owned two, because we have comedy fan listeners. So here's the story of this show. David Letterman owned two hours. Very few people knew that. He owned two hours

on CBS, his worldwide pants company. And it was he, when his show started, and the Late Late Show, which is what we're talking about, the very first host was tom snyder right and it was out here in la yeah and tom snyder was live and i had a very guilty pleasure watching him it was like very soothing he was such a weirdo legendary broadcaster from new york back in the day so tom snyder was there for a while and then c CBS is like, we got to get in the comedy game here because Snyder

wasn't that. And they hired Craig Kilborn, who just killed it as an ESPN SportsCenter host, and then was the founding host of The Daily Show in New York and was doing really well with that so well that CBS plucked him out. And now it was Kilbourne following Letterman. I was there for five years. Letterman announces he leaves. They audition. Seemingly everyone on earth. Craig Ferguson gets the gig.

Craig, I hardly have any memory of Ferguson's show. He did it for 10 years. Wow. And then it for 10 years. Wow. And then Ferguson was very bizarre, heavy Scottish accent, Scottish guy. He leaves and all of a sudden

a no-name unless you've watched British television or went to Broadway because he won the Tony Award for lead actor. This guy, James Corden, and no one knew his no American comedy fans knew his name. And so you place this Scottish guy with this British theater guy. It was a very bizarre move.

It was weird. And I said I didn't want it and I didn't want to go back. I thought late night was, you know, kind of ruined by Jimmy Fallon, whatever. Anyway, long story, but, uh, it was like playing hard to get like he, they, I became more attractive to them, I think. Cause I kept saying no. And every reason I gave them, they're like, we're not going to do that. We're not going to do that. And then the deciding factor for me was to prove we don't give a shit and that it'll be loose and the focus will be comedy is they got reggie watts as their uh band leader yeah and i was like maybe these guys mean what they say yeah and so uh so i i did a good run he had a good run you He had a good run. Yeah. You helped him do it. Carpool karaoke definitely popped.

You know, you really just need one thing to pop. But there were great writers there. I'm indebted to James for the rest of my life. He let me go once because contractually he had to for my first sitcom opportunity. Then the fucker let me go again and let me go, go like I then left and he didn't have to. Now he was in first position legally. And,

uh, when I got my sitcom, I literally got emotional. I'm just, I go, I got, I just won't, I will never forget this.

You did not. And his whole thing is what everyone should be like. He's like, it's the worst thing in the world to hold someone back. Like that's just the worst move ever. Like hopefully we're all going to move forward. And so maybe James is doing that now himself. That's amazing. Now was carpool karaoke your idea? Um, I would never say that. And that's not false modesty. was the writer's room we were coming up but now james had done this thing for red letter day with uh oh my god you know wham

michael uh what's his name george michael george michael and he's trying to cheer george michael up he was you know he was ordered the scandal that already happened and they're going to this fundraiser and he's like come on come on you'll come with me. And James was playing his character from Ned and Stacey. So that's not the name of it. Uh, Gavin and Stacey. And which is a very blue collar cockney is plumber. And he's like, come on, come on. You know? And he's just like sort of ribbing him the whole time. And he's trying to show them. And then a Wham song comes on the radio. And James turns it up and is singing. And Michael is having none of it.

And he's like, come on. And eventually, all of a sudden, he snaps. And then they're both very flamboyantly singing along to a Wham song. So that idea was out there. And then in the writer's room, we talked about, I forget who maybe brought it up first, but we're like, so basically we're like, what's an excuse? Like that had the context of, you got, you had to get George Michael to this thing and you picked him up. And then we're like, well, you know, one of the funniest Curb Your Enthusiasms is Larry

David has to get to Dodger Stadium and the traffic is so bad in LA that he picks up a prostitute so he can go in the carpool lane. Right. And we're, that was the birth of carpool karaoke. Nice. Yeah. That'soke. Nice. Yeah. That's awesome. Yep.

So it was a total room effort. And the writers there, you know, were so talented. It was actually a pleasure to work there, quite honestly. Nice. Yeah. Which you know, that may be the only thing I've ever, positive thing I've ever said about a work experience. Um,

so, uh, I guess for possible replacements, there's no doubt that this replacement has to be a person of color. Kim Whitley was a prostitute. Sorry. Yeah. In the carpool car in the curb.

It doesn't, she do a podcast with our good friend, Chris Denman now? I think that's maybe why Chris put the note in there. Wow. Two funny mamas is the name of the podcast. Wait a minute. That was one of our working titles.

What about Wanda Sykes as the host? Do you think she'd do it? Well, all right. If I'm just being very honest with you, she executives, I'm putting my executive hat on, which means my IQ is immediately plummeted. And I'm a fearful person who only thinks in terms of things I've seen before. Got it. Yeah. I'm an executive. And so they will point to her Fox show, which was a debacle.

I worked on that show. Exactly. So, you know, more than anyone, what a disaster it was. Yes, but she was in her defense. Wanda's great. Don't get me wrong about that. She was she was on New Adventures of Old Christine at the time. So she was splitting her time.

She all said it she was also on tour getting a one hour special together she was about to record and uh and her head writer uh the showrunner was a guy named john ridley who's famous for writing this was our comedy leader he's famous for getting an oscar for writing 12 years a slave or right. Which I didn't think it was that funny. I don't know. It was okay. Funny, but yeah.

Yeah. So anyway, I think, uh, I think she could do it. Um, other possible, you remember my dumb joke at that time was that I had a spec script that I,

no one would give me the time of day or give him, call me back. It was 12 years, a slave owner. It's like, you gotta see the other side.'s always two sides at least to every issue um i also i mean i will laugh so hard if they give it to colin jost because that that it has become a pipeline from harvard to snl to late night talk show. You know, one of the things we dealt with, which everyone obviously knows this, or maybe you know it,

but haven't really thought about it. When we're like, oh my God, the critics are just, we don't even have a chance because you are not only like super white male, you're the third Jimmy in late night. Right. You know, you go by James.

Yeah. Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, James. It's fun. It's just such a dude club. Yeah. It's crazy.

Yeah. You know, when, so Kilborn left, I was in charge of the writer's room for every host. Carolla hosted it for a week. The one we really liked was, you know him really well. He's from the state, you know, Mike Lee in black.

Oh, yeah. He did really well, but it was Anna Gasteyer. I mean, we did every host. Did Sue Costello do it? Sue Costello did not do it. Yeah. host and so sue costello do it sue costello did not do it yeah so um i am and then craig ferguson did a week every uh gaffigan did a week gaffigan also i think wanted it he did ross jeff ross did not do a week somehow um shocking yeah i know but oh my god what's his name and

went on to host uh The Price is Right. Drew Carey. Drew Carey. He came up and did a week. I had to find this person's voice every week. And we, oh, D.L. Hughley did a week. It's an exhaustive list. And it went on way too long. And my formal pitch, this is another reason I didn't stay there I don't think

I was woke I got Ferguson the job and then you were one of the people who convinced me to go over to Ellen DeGeneres anyway my official recommendation at that time which I told Peter LaSalle who was a very old like the he's he is the host whisperer that was the name he got he was letterman from johnny carson he picked letterman over leno and then he went famously in the late the late shift uh the book and the movie he's the old guy that chose his horse was letterman and so he had to leave nb NBC and he went with Letterman to CBS anyway. So he's out in his offices and I go, I know who should be the new host. And, uh, and I feel very strongly about this and it's not a joke. And it was, um, uh, oh my God,

a large black woman. Oh, I fucking loved her standup. what's her name uh chris will write it in right now monique monique chris didn't even have to write it in there i'm like monique swear to god peter sally goes mo what and i go i go monique and he starts to google it and he's like okay mo i'm like no no it's one word so already i should have just been like you know what never i'm that was a joke never mind i doubled down i'm like she's the her fucking stand-up at that time was destroying me yeah and i'm like you want to make noise in late night will you please have a naturally funny black woman please please yeah and this was uh 2005 and i was laughed out of the building wow and she hadn't like well maybe they'll think of her for this she had not by the way she went on to win an oscar

i think she won an oscar but she eventually got a little bit of reputation for being difficult. This is before that. There was no reason not. They wouldn't even give her an audition. I was livid and I was very angry. That was part of the problem and why I couldn't stay, I think, after Ferguson got the gig, too. Yeah. Monique would have been great. Well, who knows?

I think she's been humbled a bit. She was put it this way. She did Fitz Dog Radio. So, yeah, she's been humbled. bit she she was put it this way she did fitzdog radio so yeah she's been humbled um how naturally funny is she yeah she is and a storyteller yep and she's had a real life yeah yes um all right let's go to international let's do some international news here we go In a parrot sanctuary in England Five of its African grey parrots

Developed some rather colorful language The birds kept encouraging each other To swear openly in front of visitors And it got so bad That the zoo was forced to remove them From the public's eye They were forced to remove them from the public's eye they they were forced to remove their most popular exhibit good move uh apparently usually they clam up but these five relish in in

guest reactions which i guess encourage the behavior and uh the birds in question were split into two different colonies away from public ears the hope is that the birds will pick up more appropriate vocabulary with so many other parrots around, but there is a slight chance it could backfire. I guess only the black parrots could say the N-word, though. I don't care what animal you are or if you're a mammal, meaning a human. As soon as you put a group that curses next to a group that doesn't curse which way do you think the flow of language is gonna go

oh i'm sorry we're not supposed to talk like the cool group yeah i mean that could be shocking could be shocking for visitors but, the chimps are still hurling their cum at confused school groups. Here's the idea. You move the crap-hurling chimps and the cursing parrots into an exhibit called The Cancelled Animals, and you got a hit on your hands. Have Monique run the zoo. I'm full of ideas here. Um, uh, let's go to, uh, England. Yeah. Where, um, now fuck it. Let's just go to, let's go to science.

Well, Russia, that was an interesting story, okay so hold on let me new new we'll save russia for next week if they might still be there legless amphibians amphibians called sicilians more casillian i wouldn't call them that, but you did. Go ahead. More commonly known as rubber eels or more memorably, quote, penis snakes. What? Discovered in South Florida, native to Colombia and Venezuela, technically making them an invasive species. Casellians can vary quite a bit in length from just a couple of inches all the way up to five feet. Yeah, they grow to five feet, but you have to play with their balls. They also tend to thrive in shallow, warm bodies of water with aquatic vegetation. Very little is known about these animals in the wild,

but there's nothing particularly dangerous about them, and they don't appear to be serious predators. They'll probably eat small animals and get eaten by larger ones. Okay. If any state in the union was going to have penis snakes, there is no other guest in Florida. Let's just be real about this. Also,

I, I have a feeling Florida gave them this nickname, like Venezuela did not give them that nickname. They're called Sicilian, but in Dade County, they're like, uh, nope.

Those there are penis snakes and I guess it says they'll get eaten by larger predators whose friends will post shots of them eating the penis snakes on Instagram you are what you eat that's totally what's gonna happen i mean just frat row up in gainesville is gonna be penis snake haven yeah it's part of the hazing i think i think bet brett kavanaugh's penis was an invasive species in college oh no yeah it's been a snake uh where are we in this do we that's not a great business story. All right, so let's go to this day in history.

All right, here we go. There it is. Okay, in 1931, May 1st. By the way, isn't this May Day? Sure. I think May 1st is May Day, is a a russian holiday to celebrate the workers oh and uh and i know the labor unions make a big deal out of it but it's also the day that the empire state building was dedicated president herbert hoover um pressed a button

from the white house to turn the building's lights on. And the idea for the building is said to have been born out of a competition between Walter Chrysler of the Chrysler Corporation and John Jacob Raskub of General Motors to see who could erect the taller building. Chrysler had already begun work on the famous Chrysler building, the gleaming 1,000-foot skyscraper in Midtown. Not to be bested, Raskub assembled a group of well-known investors, and they made an Art Deco plan, which was based in large part on the look of a pencil.

The entire building, ready for this? Went up in just over a year, under budget at $40 million ahead of schedule. During certain periods of building, the frame grew at an astonishing four and a half stories a week. I mean, that's insane. Okay. There was probably very unfair labor, especially if these dudes were in a race. Who knows?

So, okay. Even including that, let's say we made it fair union labor. That got put up, and it's the only one of its kind in the world by definition because it became the tallest

thing on planet Earth. I think about how long it took them to build SoFi Stadium here, which is a ring of seats around an empty thing. Yeah. And I know it's a little more complicated than that, but

three years, four, three and a half years to build it? Yeah. And also they were like, I remember this vividly,'re like um uh it's been delayed yeah because there's been rain i'm like you gotta go shut the fuck like it's i think it rained i'm not exaggerating five days yeah that's when they said the rain is gonna delay it another like year right yeah like it doesn't rain in midtown try building in midtown

i know where do we park the trucks on fucking fifth avenue where do you double park the the fucking construction you know the the cement trucks and the building supply they they had an average of ready for this um uh 3 400 workers on a single day unbelievable jesus christ and apparently they got excellent pay and this was during you remember this is during the depression so this was a big deal this was a great project for the city and uh to this day it's a functioning beautiful building in midtown manhattan and like midtown manh, where are you going to put the modern cranes? Oh, that's right.

There aren't any, right. There's no such thing. Oh, but you know, it's gotten easier because the new alloy is way less than all the new materials. No,

there were none. They couldn't even communicate. There were no cell phones. If you're on the top floor working on something and the fucking boss is down in the basement, you can't talk to him. Wait, was there even such a thing as a walkie talkie? Probably not.

I mean, world war one, right? Maybe, maybe there was radios, but I don't think up there you're going to have one of these radios that also needs to be plugged in. Did,

were there electric drill? I don't even know what was available then. Yeah. Not little handheld electrical drills for sure. Not those. Yeah. Oh, my God. It is mind-boggling to think how they got that done.

Yeah. Never mind the pyramids in Egypt. All right, let's do some letters to the editor. You got it. Maxwell Levine said, tell Mike to watch the first two and a half seasons of Atlanta before he watches another episode of Dave. Dave is a good show,

but it is a complete duplicate of the show Atlanta. The main difference is Donald Glover is 100 times more talented at writing, acting, and directing. Dave is a little more comedic, and Atlanta goes further into the surreal. The fact the show Dave exists would even seem like a plot line for an Atlanta episode, white artists borrowing, stealing from black artists. Again, Dave is a really good show, but it is hard to watch knowing Atlanta is its primary source.

Little Dickie has even said he strives to do what Donald Glover does in the style he does it. All right. I've seen Atlanta. Atlanta is one of my favorite shows. I think he's overstating. Listen, valid point. I think he's overstating it a lot. Oh, wait.

Is Maxwell a woman? We do not know how Maxwell identifies. That's why I'm just going to say they. Well, it's Levine, so just say the Jew. I'm going to say they now. They have a valid point. They overstated it for sure. Let's also back up. just say the i'm gonna say they now they have a valid point they overstated it for sure let's

also back up curb your enthusiasm is a giant influence on both of these and i see actually there's a lot of atlanta and dave but also i'm going to describe both curb and dave simultaneously Curb and Dave simultaneously. It is about a neurotic on the spectrum, Jewish OCD guy who has a lack of a filter and can't contain himself. And he's on a journey, a creative journey to be recognized like Larry David was the original curb was he was going the original Curb was, he was going to do stand-up again. That was the original idea of Curb. And then he was going to document, with a real documentary, his return to stand-up.

While doing the real documentary, he's like, it would be so much more interesting if you saw the very real conversations between me and my agent, but my agent won't play my agent. I'm going to cast an agent. Also, when i come home at night to my wife like my stand-up stinks and then so they cast an unknown who could kind of be

believable as his wife so it became a tv show about this that's exactly what dave is um so atlanta is very similar though no doubt about Yeah, I can see some comparisons, but I also think like Dave is very much a product of being an L.A. show. It takes on a lot of like, you know, issues that people in Hollywood deal with. Whereas, you know, I think Atlanta is very much about that, that culture of black people in Atlanta. So, yeah, some I could see there's some points being made here, but overstated, Maxwell. Overstated. Yeah.

It's a great, hey, listen, mission accomplished, though. Everyone should watch Atlanta, in my opinion. Absolutely. I think it's more filmic than Dave, although Dave at its heights became, especially the season finales, end episode nine of season two,

especially that one, become very filmic um but yeah check out both both shows are and fx has both yeah and they're really extraordinary tv shows uh let's cut to the funnies let's cut right down to the funnies oh no chris can you put a family circus in there jesus christ i'm out i don't know if can you put a family circus in there? Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm out. I don't know if I want to do family circus anymore. I should find a... I know. All right.

Fuck families. Apparently this week had a theme. Somebody wrote in that, like, they were all about a bird in a cage. I don't know. So maybe Chris can find one of those. Can't wait to decode that genius. Put it in and I'll read it blind. All right, Hager the Horrible.

As we know, the Sunday funnies, always attracting the young eyeballs because when you're a kid and your parents are sitting there drinking coffee on a Sunday morning, hungover, mad at each other about having sex or not having sex the night before, you grab the funnies because it's colorful and it's got fun

looking people and you get exposed to things like hager the horrible a rapist from the middle ages so hager and his wife are driving in the uh a horse-drawn wagon and uh he says this new horse has a lot of vim and vigor and then cut to the second frame and she says i can feel it their horse is now racing after a female horse he's about to mount and rape we think it's a female horse that's true that's true do you think they removed the that he had a whip in his hand. Well, there's a bandaid on the horse's ass. I mean, that's what I was thinking. He's holding the reins in his hands, both hands.

Yeah. But when you cut to that second frame, this horse has a bandage on its ass. Yeah. The horse, and so it's not a sex thing because the horse he's trying to get mount from behind is in front of him but yeah so i'm wondering if uh but how my point is how funny is it if that's what they changed in other words they had an opportunity to either kill this strip or change it maybe but no they just removed just removed the whip. Yeah, leave the rape. Yeah. Lose the whip, keep the rape.

That's a famous Godfather line. Yeah. Let's go down to the Lockhorns. Sure. Where Leroy is standing on a scale. He doesn't look happy. And Loretta says, maybe you're the next big thing. Cute.

And another one, Leroy is showing his hand, he's handing his friend a drink. On the wall is Leroy and Loretta's marriage license. And he goes, that's our marriage license, or otherwise known as my signed surrender. Good one. And then finally, Leroy is staring at his laptop he's literally pulling his hair out and loretta goes another tech problem have you tried turning it off and never touching

it again that's a good joke it's a good joke good joke all right here's family circus hold on let me make it a little bigger all right here we go we go. All right. The two idiot boys. Billy and Jeffy. Are at the front door and they're swatting, swatting. And you can see there's a lot of flies around all over the place. And the quote, I don't even know which little kid is talking. Well, you're missing there's a bird that has now flown outside. Oh, is that what that is? Yeah. So the quote is, nice going.

Okay, you're right. Okay. Nice going, Jeffy. The bird flew out, but you let in millions of flies. I mean, don't know. I don't, at the same time, I don't know where to begin or end. Because it's, I think the same juncture, which is now like I'm done. I don't, he has written what it's showing you.

I can't. Well, I think this must have been the last strip of the week because all week there was a bird in this. I only know this because somebody wrote it to us on the website that there was a theme of a bird in a cage. So this is where it rose to this built it built to this yeah chris wrote i'm pissed you made me search for this yeah i'm pissed that i had to listen to it i have a new thing i am going to and this is probably against copyright but i am just going to take a picture of a Charles Adams. I have that

book nearby very early in the podcast. We would talk about his genius and how he is absolutely the influence for the far side. So every week will either be a far side. Cause I also have those books or a Charles Adams. I am officially retiring family circus. Wow. It happened. Big news. It just happened. I love it. I can't anymore. I love it. There's not even a meta enjoyment of it.

Honestly, it's all gone. It's become a fucking anchor at the end of the show. Yes. And I try to save it with Blondie and it's, it's becoming too much for even Blondie to pull us out of. I know. No matter what she wears. Charles Adams from now.

All right. Well, this week she's wearing a, to pull us out of it i know no matter what she wears charles adams from now all right well this week she's wearing a uh a kind of neon green sweater and sadly you can't see her body because she's they sit the way they sit is such a metaphor for this fucking marriage he's sitting in a blue chair with his feet up because he's worked so fucking hard this week and blondie is faced away from him on a different chair and she seems to be doing a crossword puzzle or something because he can't engage her in conversation here's the kind of he goes i don't like that we had a disagreement earlier but at least we can agree to disagree which is the most passive aggressive bullshit thing to say to somebody after an argument and she goes wouldn't you agree that when we have disagreements you should try to find a way to agree

on things dear she calls him on the passive aggression and he goes you as in me and she goes i think we can agree there's nothing wrong with your hearing either, dear. She fucking owned him. The strip just gave up on the wordplay on the you, me, and agreeing. It gave up on the agreeing, like even just a, I guess we can agree we'll never agree, even on disagreeing. You know, something like that. All I know is this is post-modern blondie she is no longer the the the wife who stands with an apron on and serves her fucking

lazy man she's digging in this is like this is a feminist strip she out passive aggressive to him and and only turned around and looked at him once during the entire strip yep and there and she continued to do her crossword puzzle good on you blondie proud of you babe we end on a high note all right well listen we want to remind you guys uh support our sponsors go to sunday uh what is it sunday.com slash papers. Get 20% off your lawn care. Do that. Also, don't forget to check out Fitz Dog Radio and Childish, my other podcast. Mike, anything you want to promote?

Yeah, I want to promote myself. I forgot to say this. I'm very much flattering myself, but truly I felt tickled. At Chappelle, Chappelle goes felt tickled at Chappelle. Chappelle goes, here's the new thing. If I'm arrested, uh, right before they sentenced me, I'm going to, uh, I say, I identify as a woman. Remember I said that last week. I was last week. I was like, this, this is the move you should pull right before you're sentencing formally

identify as a woman because then you have to go to women's prison right right right uh turns out dave chappelle did a lot more with that concept than i did all of a sudden he's in prison he's like um listen hey bitch get over here and suck this woman's dick he's like am i am i friends by the way i'm again i don't think i'm spoiling anything because i don't think he's going to talk about trans issues ever again on tape so i'm spoiling it if you go see him live i guess but and he goes um and my family and my lawyers they'll all be working on getting me out like dave we got another retrial he's like i don't want to retrial i'm getting more pussy than ever in here that's right we had the story about the uh the pregnant trans inmate yes and then i said here greg if you're ever arrested again right before sentencing in so i laid that out and anyway i was

like oh my god all right a little shout out to yourself he did a lot more with it shout out also to chris denman and beth hoopsops and Keith for producing and editing the podcast. And also for producing my videos. I've been doing some shout out videos on social media for my dates and they do a nice job on those. So thank you for that. And thank you guys for listening. This was kind of a different podcast. It was very, very personal.

There was a lot of like inside baseball Hollywood talk. I hope you enjoyed that. It's less on news and more on that. Oh. So. We got a little personal, I guess. Yeah, we got a little personal. Let us know if you enjoyed it.

And as always, you can write us at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. And don't forget to... We read all of them. We read all of them. By we, I mean Greg. And like and subscribe on iTunes. That helps us out a lot. And we'll catch you guys next week.

And everybody take it eesh. Take it eesh. Okay, then. Sunday Papers With Greg and Mike Read all about it I won't tell you twice Read all about it Yee-haw!