Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 114 5/15/22

Episode Date: May 15, 2022

Mike recounts his week working with Letterman, we make a big announcement about Norm and tell some Andy Dick stories. The new Barbie has a hearing aid and Ellen is wrapping up her show. Also two extra Florida Man stories! Follow Mike on Instagram @GibbonsTime

Sunday Papers with Mike and Gregors. Read all about it. Yeah. Read all about it. The timing was flawless. Try it. It'll be on the frame at 30 frames. All right. You're going to start before I put on my headphones. I'd appreciate it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Norm MacDonald, big news. Bill Cosby, not the news. Read all about it. Wow. All right. I've never seen my therapist yell that loud. You're not wearing maroon, which is a little off-putting, but you are in a sweater with the collar on the inside and you're looking rather conservative i look like a republican today you look like i would take your advice on what to do with money uh here's what you should do with money right now collect it from you you little bitch i owe you 250 from the march madness and i also owe you $250 from the March Madness. And I also owe you

for some advertising. All right. Here's what just happened, though. So we shouldn't, whatever. This is terrible. But anyway, we just played golf. There's kind of a standing Friday game if one can make it. And this is the worst because it's like white guys talking about golf bets. But anyway, you

somehow got lucky and you're up 10. I'm like, well, why don't you subtract it from the 250 you've owed me? No, you said 350. That's why I didn't do it, because already your numbers were wrong. So I wasn't going to start subtracting money from the wrong amount in the first place. Look at Mr. You do look like a CPA right now, an angry one, whatever. How about that? I should have rephrased it. Why don't you just subtract the $10 I owe you from the hundreds you owe me since early April. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. Let's keep that separate. And I had to pay you. And then I'm like, well,

listen, I only, uh, I owed you $9 and I'm like, I only have a 20. You're like, I'll make change. So pathetic. It's like the first, it's like, it's like the guy in good fellas. Who'm like, I only have a 20. You're like, I'll make change. So pathetic. It's like the guy in Goodfellas who's like, when's the money? When's the money? And all of a sudden, he and his wife are dead in the car. They just kept asking too much for money that was really his. Is that a veiled threat? Are you threatening me? I already paid you, so I don't know, too late to kill you.

I made a lot of money on the golf course today. That was good. That was good. I hit that on the eighth hole. I put it about of money on the golf course today. That was good. That was good. I hit that on the eighth hole. I put it about four inches from the hole. And we have a thing in our game called an air roof, where if you think that you're going to- Oh, just stop already. It's so boring. All right. You want to see my little bit? All right. I just took a corporate gig that I don't want to talk about, but it's sold editing. Anyway. Nice. Corporate gigs.

And by corporate, it's not a corporate gig. You play literally corporations. I'm just saying this is a very corporate approach to a TV show, which never goes well with me. Anyway, here's my bit. And I'll describe it after I do it. But here's my bit that I do now on Zooms with all these woke pussies in Hollywood, when I kind of want the Zoom to end or I don't want them to include me in Zooms that much anymore, I just slowly towards the end of the Zoom just take a sip of my coffee like this.

Can you see it? So what I do for the listeners, I slowly raise this coffee mug and take a sip, and it says, Blue Lives Matter. That's amazing. Okay. So it's a gag, clearly, and I order it on Amazon. I get home. I open it, and, of course, these woke little bitches of mine, the daughter's like, Dad!

I'm like, just fucking just fucking keep it there. Oh my God. It's I can't even with them. Well, that's like a member Zach, when he was first out here before, before he became famous, he went out for pilot season and he just, he hated auditioning because first of all, I think he's severely dyslexic. So he has a hard time even reading the scripts. Right. And so he usually kind of, so he has to bring the script with him. And so he's doing the sides with the casting director and the producer and the writer.

They're all sitting on one side of the table. And Zach does the first page. And then he turns the page over to go to the second page. And on the back of the page page what they can see is a handwritten sign that says i heart pilot season and you would think with his talent and with that sign thing that he would have gotten work never never worked never in pilot season pilot season never worked for him yeah um our other friend uh we're not going to say his name because we don't want to jinx it, is up for a show. The Upfronts are this week, which is when they announce all the shows that are going on the air. And our very dear friend is on a show on one of the major networks, a drama that's about to get picked up.

And he's about to make some fucking coin. Yeah. So we're happy for him. We'll announce next week who it is and what the show is. Yeah, that would be great. That would be very cool. Maybe I should have just waited for that. No, it's good.

Whatever. A little shop talk, a little inside baseball. All right, here's one little Olivia story. My daughter, my youngest daughter is 60. Anyway, we're getting smog checks. I have to go with them. And Sophie's there too. So I'm there with my two girls.

That's it. And so her car is a disaster and so is her room. And so we're having a serious, and Sophie and I are kind of confronting her like, Olivia, you gotta, and then I kind of wanted to throw her a bone. And so I'm like, Livvy, wait, what was the exact word?

Because because then it got it got posted immediately. I have it right here. So I'm like, Olivia. There it is. I go, I go, I was car room and I go, Livvy, I don't mind that you dress like a dump site, but it's your room and car. Like it affects other people. Sophie starts dying laughing. And then I don't know if you could see this immediately post.

I don't know, on Snapchat or whatever. Do you see this? Yeah. Yeah. Dad to Olivia. I don't mind that you dress like a dump site. And Sophie couldn't even breathe for like four minutes, I guess. And then Olivia and Olivia looking so like, oh oh my God, Dad, so frustrated at me.

Anyway, whatever. I thought it was a better story. But they really do not only love thrifting and thrift stores, they, honestly, it's Billie Eilish meets homeless, which says a lot. Because a lot of people call- They call it Hesh. That's what it's called. Oh, which says a lot because a lot of people call it. They call it Hesh. That's that's what it's called. Oh, what is that? Hesh. That's the style. And my daughter does the same thing. She like she'll take like clothes of mine that don't fit her and that are kind of worn out and she'll wear them.

Everything's oversized. It's kind of like grunge, except's like a also a skateboard element to it totally and i think part of it like with billy eilish is the this isn't about bodies stop fucking you know like we're done with that right meanwhile you know you you go to any like the high school whatever it's like midriffs everywhere they're barely dressed. So it's a little hard to, it's not consistent. Yeah, it's true. And then Billie Eilish did that Vanity Fair spread where she was like wearing very little and she, oh, not a bad body and curvy and voluptuous.

Billie Eilish. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She makes fun of her boobs. They're pretty big. Yeah. All righty, man. What do we got? What do we got?

What's happening? This is a Friday? Well, my wife left. I drove her to the airport last night. Your wife? She took a red eye to New York because her aunt, the crazy Aunt Jo, who's 95 and lives in the Bronx by herself, is in bad health. So she just got brought into the hospital and then a health care facility.

And so her mom is overwhelmed. And so she's there helping her out for like a week. So I'm hoping that Aunt Jo's OK. At 95, you kind of go like I don't know if she's gonna get better she's down to 100 pounds but she's a great lady we'd hate to lose her but um

anyway so long story short I'm home alone all week and uh I gotta I gotta think of some shit to do yeah I'd load up on tissues oh let's keep it moving forward.

No, because of crying. That wasn't dirty. Oh, I see. No, I'm joking. All right, what are we doing? We got, tell me about Letterman. You produced that, or you wrote on that Letterman project last week for the Netflix is a Joke Festival. Letterman went really well.

It's too complicated to detail, but it was two nights and it was from like, you know, he would get to the theater set like four shows, first show was seven. Anyway, it was like four till like one in the morning, two days in a row with him. And he could not have been nicer. Like so, so great.

And like, you know, when it was it was over, like he, he then like, he asked for a picture with me and the great Mike Sweeney. And I think that's because he knew we would never ask, you know what I mean? Yeah. He's like, let's grab a picture. And we're like, yeah, sure. Like, you know, you just know, you just know, and I don't know if this translates. I somehow have the faith that our listeners will get this, even though it's incredibly unnatural is I, I totally want to tell Letterman that at 15 years old, he was like a drug to me. I literally was in boarding school. No TVs were allowed. You would think it was a pile of cocaine, this hidden TV we had. And I'd watch it under blankets.

Yep. Like doing drugs. And then I would come home from boarding school. I would take the bus from Massachusetts right to Port Authority and walk right to his theater. I would go right to 30 Rock. I would not go to my family and I would get on the standby line and see if I could get in with my bag. Like, and anyway, and I have that dumb line. I tell somebody, which is like, you're a big reason I'm a comedy writer. And I let that

sit. And I'm like, so I think you owe me an apology. And they, they, they seem to like that. But anyway, took a picture and you just know not to say anything. Are we posting that on the show? Do we have the photo? No, it's fine. I don't want to do it. It's a little braggy brag. I mean, I'm talking about it.

I know because you brought it up, but no. And I didn't put it on Instagram either. I put me out, you know, looking at the awning, you know, which had his name, but I don't know. It's weird. I feel weird about it. So anyway, he was great. And leaving, He like points at me. He's like, Hey, so listen, like I'm not doing much. So like, if you find work,

like give me a ring. And I'm like, yeah, I go, there's a huge demand for old white guys. Like, yeah, I mean, it's too much for me to handle. I'll, I'll, I'll throw some work your way. And like, you know, like kind of joking like that. Okay. So here's, here's the hardest. Of course, I just talked about being sort of humble, but anyway, here's the hardest. I made him laugh, which was kind of an accident. I, I don't know if I talked about this last week, but I wrote a dumb joke, which was, you know, tough day today. I sat my son down and broke the news to him that he's not adopted. He did not take it well. So he liked that joke,

broke the news to him that he's not adopted. He did not take it well. So he liked that joke, but he was afraid of getting mail from adopted people. Like, you know, he's like, I just don't want to, you know, all this. Meanwhile, of course, if anything, it's kind of a pro adoption joke. So anyway, he's like, I just don't want, you know, all this angry mail, like from adopted people. I'm like, it's kind of easy to handle, you know, just tell all of them that they should direct their anger at the appropriate place, which is their biological parents. And he's like, what? He was like, geez, like he thought it was the darkest thing ever, but it was really, it was really funny. That's great. Yeah. Wow. Nice experience, man. Congratulations. Nice experience, man.

Congratulations. Yeah. I've heard, yeah. He could not have been sweeter, nicer, more complimentary, in a good mood to everyone, sound people, whoever was putting a mic on his shirt. Didn't matter who. And the whole show is just, it's going to be on Netflix and it's like introducing young comics. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and I should, well, it's coming out. How about this? yeah yeah yeah so and i should well it's coming out how about this i'll hide my lack of knowledge of some of their names under the uh i won't spoil it banner yes but there's some really good comics uh six young comics who do a five minute set and then an interview and the interviews were you know good they were very thoughtful like he didn't let something slide like he was like wait wait wait what you know tell me more about that you know why did you become you know, good. They were very thoughtful. Like he didn't let something slide. Like he was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. What, you know, tell me more about that. You know, why did you become,

you know, your family, the whole, you know, stuff like that. So it's almost like, you know, his other show is called my next guest needs no introduction. It's like, this one would be cool. It was like, my next guest needs an introduction, you know, the conceit of, and then he did stand up that you and Mike wrote for him for him no don't call it stand up that was that that i had to learn the hard way it was definitely monologue jokes and then we so badly wanted to like craft a monologue like a five minute let me take a shot and sweeney too at the best like five minutes on being an old parent, but he didn't want that. It was like LA jokes, his beard jokes, um, jokes about the theater. It was, it was monologue. It was not

standup. It was monologue. And by that to any listener that doesn't know what I mean, it's more like individual jokes. Like it's, it's a monologue is the beginning of every late night show. So it's going to be one joke per subject. You move forward. It's not like a... It's colder, yeah. It's not a story. You're not weaving a theme or a narrative or anything like that.

Mm, okay. Still, really fun. He was great. Well, speaking of Netflix, big news, Norm MacDonald. You thought he was done, but like Tupac Shakur and Biggie, the material's still coming out.

He's got a new special. It's called, what's it called? Nothing Special, I think. Nothing Special, May 30th on Netflix. And it was recorded, and you told me about this weeks before the announcement. I can't tell you how I heard, but I was sworn to secrecy. And at that point, other than Netflix, like three people on the planet knew.

And yeah, you want me to very briefly? Oh, well, you know, you saw Laurie Jo describe it too. That's where I learned more about it. Yeah, so basically he was getting ready to go out and do a new hour. And he'd been sick, secretly sick for years. And he didn't tell any, like literally didn't tell anybody. I think Laurie Jo knew. I don't know who else knew besides Laurie Jo, to be perfectly honest.

I'm now hearing how many years. Like he might have been dealing with cancer like all his adult life. So whatever. It bums me out to hear that. Yeah. So he gets ready and he puts an hour together and he's about to go on the road and then record it as a special. And then he knew things were going really bad. And so he said, in case I don't make it, I don't want to waste this material. Sets up a camera in his apartment. One camera, one take, does the special. No audience.

Yep. 55, 50 minutes. I don't know, around there, whatever. One take, yeah. So Laurie Jo records it, and then they stick in the closet, and he sort of has a, starts to come back from it. But then the pandemic happens. Yeah, he had a big procedure which was like

i might not come out of the hospital that's why so then he comes out of the hospital they put it in the closet exactly and they put it behind and they go okay now i'm going to be able to actually record the special then the fucking pandemic happens and so anyway uh once he is on his deathbed i think he tells laur tells Laurie Jo to go find it. And she didn't even remember where it was. It was like in the back of a supply closet somewhere, an old camera, and they dug it out,

and he said, I want to put that out as a special, posthumously. Yep. And so it's going to come out, and it's going to be fucking heavy. It's going to be very cool. Yeah. It's really like talking from the grave it's it's it'll be a little surreal yeah uh i just i just re-listened to his last special which was from 10 years ago right and

put it this way here's how long he's had cancer the first 15 minutes of the special is about death and dying yeah and it's clearly when you listen to it you go oh he he knew he was going to die when he was writing this material yeah he uh yeah um oh i found going to be able to, let me try to find it. I found, I found this text. I was going through like ever, ever like try to erase the thousands of photos you have in your phone. Um, we've lost Greg. He's left just for the listeners at home. Okay.

So I'm going to go try to find, and all of a sudden I saw these texts and usually they're on my daughters. They're like really funny texts from when they were young and all that stuff. And then all of a sudden I found these. I'm like, wait, what's this? And I screen grabbed it. All right. So Norm goes, um, this is Norm to me. It was, uh, it was Christmas time. Uh, hope you had a great Christmas. Love to all the girls in your life. I was still married at the time. I wonder sometimes if true believers are stupid or deluded or capable of deeper thoughts than the likes of you and me or both. It's easy to dismiss them, but sometimes I wonder is all. I'm sad that on this holiday, we're hopelessly

in two wars, the war on Christmas and the war on women. The war on Christmas and the war on women. And then he goes, as far as the war on women goes, I wish we could just pull out. There's no shame in that. The women are certainly winning the war on who controls the TV remote. What a lunatic. It felt weird that there was, like, a not only wordplay, but, like, also a sexual joke.

He rarely... Of course he could be dirty, but it was weird that he would do... It's very un-norm to do a pull-out joke, you know what I mean? Yeah, right. I got to say, his Twitter feed, him and Colin, I believe, were the two best Twitter feeds out there. I'll miss reading his tweets. Except when he did live play-by-play of golf tournaments. That was my favorite part.

Oh, Jesus. I love that. Yeah. The best was basketball. You'd see it, and you're like, they're not looking good. Like, halftime, I would certainly take the under in this second half, and it would be like the biggest over. He was such a contrarian better.

Let's give a shout-out to this week's logo was brought to us. Who did this week's logo? Was it Kyle? I think Kyle Spencer. Yeah, Kyle Spencer did this week's logo. He does a lot of work for us. A big shout out to him. He's been doing a lot of my banners also. Thank you, Kyle. And then the song is from Jeff Snyder. Again, we're down to our last few songs, so enjoy them. Dee Snyder's brother, yeah. Corrections. Hey, Fitz, as your unofficial Sunday Papers Catholic expert,

I have to make a correction. You said nuns are not allowed to give communion. They are allowed to give communion. They cannot preside over the consecration of the bread and wine during the Eucharist. Every order has their own rules, so I am sure there are some that do not permit even giving communion, but it's not the Catholic Church itself. Yours in Christ, Pete Cipriano. Ah, what the Christ.

All righty, Pete. Nice correction. I can remember at Christmas we went down to Florida and we went to mass with my mom. And it was an Irish Catholic priest from Ireland. And he's up there and fucking 350 people packed into a church. And you got to remember, December 25th, Florida, that was the darkest red spot of COVID, of omicron virus it was everywhere there wasn't a fucking mask in the church nobody and then they would go up and get communion and he was doing the thing where he takes the wafer and he puts it on your tongue and people are just like like one after the other just like licking his fingers and fucking that line of drool that goes between your lip and his finger,

dangling like a spider web. This guy Yuri says, when you were reading Mike Haggerty's obit on Sunday, Greg mentioned he was in Seinfeld. Mike responded, oh yeah, I forgot he played the dad in that. Jerry's father was played in one episode by Phil Bruns and the rest of the series by Barney Martin, both of whom have been deceased for a while. Mike Haggerty played Rudy, the owner of a secondhand clothing store in the two-parter The Raincoats. I know you said Mike Haggerty was a personal friend of yours, so I'm sorry for your loss. I hope this email isn't in poor taste.

Anyway, this may be the dumbest, nitpickiest correction possible. No, it's not. The more nitpicky, the better. Far from it. Yeah, we like the little nitpicky ones. I don't think I said that, but obviously it's on tape. I probably did. Well, I don't know.

Now we've got Chris Denman saying, I think Yuri is wrong. And Mike was referring to the HBO show. What HBO show? I never had him pegged as the dad in Seinfeld, but I might have said it. Who knows what I say after a few coffees with a little on it. And you just took a riddle in right before the show started on Adderall. It was technically a riddle, and you're right. And look at me.

I am waiting for this MF-er to kick in. You know what I'm waiting for? The end of this podcast. May 19th through the 21st, where I'm going to be at the Tacoma Comedy Club. I can't wait. You do that so well. I don't even know what happens.

I fucking love the Tacoma Comedy Club. Isn't it your second favorite club? It's my second favorite club. If you live in Seattle, take the drive down. It's not far. Irvine Improv, May 27th through the 29th. And then Bakersfield, California at The Well on June 11th. All tickets at FitzDawg.com.

I'm going to look who's playing at Buck Owens' place up there. Oh, right, right, right. You might come up. In Bakersfield. Go up here a little. That Bakersfield sound, my man. Nice. Hey, Mike.

Oh. Do you know people made a killing in the 2008 financial crisis? Oh, hold on. Really? What is it? Oh, hold on. Really? What is it? Sorry, I'm in the wrong part. What do you mean, Fitz? This is an ad.

We are doing an ad now that was written by the advertiser. They scripted it. They must be big fans of the show because they've captured our voices. What do you mean fitz michael burry made a hundred million bucks shorting the 2008 financial crisis it just goes to show if you know where to look there's opportunity everywhere in fact he just tweeted his next play really what is it get this the 1929 Depression. He just posted a news clipping from back then on his Twitter. Here's the headline. Let me read it.

Stocks collapse in 16,410,000 share day, but rally at close cheers brokers, bankers optimistic. We can't travel back in time, Fitz. Come on. Yeah, but there might be parallel to now. There's probably something wrong with today's economy, but there's also new opportunity, right? I recently read about a portfolio hedge the BBC explained could still increase in value while the market dips. And listener, I think you should check it out if you're an investor. Go to masterworks.art slash papers to do your due diligence. See important Regulation A disclosures at masterworks.io slash cd.

Again, that's masterworks.art slash papers. Do I get to talk again, Fitz? Sorry, I improvised that line. Now they're not going to pay us. You didn't stick to the script. No, that was after the script. Oh, okay. Forget about that, man. So I guess you guys are going to find out about how to invest in Masterworks, which I think is actually a really good investment and a hedge for inflation. That was an interesting way to get there, but I like this idea of Masterworks. We talked about it. This is not the first time they've sponsored. I like partial ownership of a Van Gogh.

Yes. Get involved. Let's get to the front page. Do it. I need paper on your end. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Why don't you grab the Hendrix poster? This is the payout that the improv gave me on how many people showed up to my show.

Oh, well, look at you. You don't need money except the money to pay me, you bastard. A South Carolina man died of a heart attack as he tried to bury his girlfriend's body in the backyard. I mean... On Saturday, deputies responded to reports of an unresponsive man lying in a yard. Joseph Anthony McKinnon, 60, was pronounced dead at the scene.

Deputies found the body of Patricia Ruth Dent, 65, wrapped in trash bags in a freshly dug grave. I mean, this should be a plot point in a movie or something. I mean, first of all, we all worry like, oh, my God, if they die, what embarrassing thing. Like, what am I naked? Was I doing something undignified? Right. This guy died while burying his girlfriend. And you didn't put it in this detail.

He had just strangled to death. Oh, he strangled her to death. Oh, that's right. Yeah, because I looked up this story because it was so unbelievable to me well and also what's not in the story is that the reason why he killed her is that they were fighting about how bad his diet was and he was eating too much cholesterol that's the irony this is this is all right if you wanted to improve upon, I don't know. You can improve upon the story, but if you were in a writer's room and you're talking about story,

you'd be like, okay, how about he dies a few minutes earlier while he's strangling her. She gets unconscious. It's almost like a Romeo and Juliet. He dies though, before he holds the air for, you know,

too long. And then, so she then wakes up and he's dead. She's like, I got to bury this dick. And she goes to bury him. And then so she then wakes up and he's dead. She's like, I got to bury this dick. And she goes to bury him and she dies. Well, Matt Malloy, our good friend, who's an actor, was in an episode of CSI. And it was the cold open, which in TV terms means it's that little piece of story that happens before the opening credits yep and in the opening credits uh he is a guy who is caught cemented up to his knees

he walked into freshly uh wet cement up to his knees and he had just killed somebody and the body was just on the other side of the cement and the best part was they didn't find him till the next day and it was sunny out and Matt's bald and they gave him a sunburnt bald head as he stood in the cement waiting to be arrested. Was there any mention that he was a hardened criminal? Hey now. There had to have been.

Had to have been. Yeah. Hardened criminal. Hey, now. Had to have been. Had to have been. Yeah. A hardened criminal. And I think Evan Dunsky wrote that episode. Shout out to Evan. Yeah. And didn't our buddy direct it? Ken Fink.

Talk about the mailbox money that MF forgets. I did one episode of CSI about, it had to be at least 12 years ago. I literally still get checks from that episode. I get checks like every other week from one episode. And Ken directed the show for 10 years. And his episodes play in, I don't know, 200, I think more than 200 countries. Yeah, yeah. Check for each than 200 countries. Yeah, yeah. Check for each one.

Right. Oh, man. Oh, there's a picture of it. We just posted the picture. Oh, wow. He's deep. I thought it was just like knee high. No, it's his waist.

And then, yeah, and then the body is right next to him. That's funny. Yeah. It looks like Hannibal Lecter there. Yeah. All righty. What do we got next, sir? The pilot of a single-engine Cessna has, quote, gone incoherent.

The passenger was telling her air traffic control is Tuesday. Morgan learned the passenger on the line had never flown a plane. Quote, try to hold the wings level and see if you can start descending for me. Push forward on the controls. That's, by the way, that is a, no shit. Otherwise, that's where you're going to, this precious time, that's the first thing you're going to tell me? Yeah.

Try not to crash. Try to keep it in the air. Yeah, go ahead. Pretend you're a bird. Push forward on the controls and descend at a very slow rate. Morgan made the key decision to guide the aircraft to the area's biggest airport helping him position his aircraft eight miles out from palm beach international just so he could have a big target to aim at yeah good instinct let's head for the busiest airport in the area with a trend

with a fucking trembling hedge fund guy behind the wheel who's never flown before. Some fucking rich douchebag who's got a private Cessna. So together they got the Cessna to touch down on the runway, something that takes about 20 hours to learn with typical flight instruction. Quote, I felt like I was going to cry because I had so much adrenaline built up, Morgan said. I was really happy that it worked out and nobody got hurt. Yeah. Missed opportunity, by the way. That flight path is right over Mar-a-Lago,

and maybe Trump was there. You could have just taken out half of Mar-a-Lago. Wait, you can't say that. Oh, no, he's not the president anymore. You can say that now. I didn't say it would take him out, but you'd take out half of Mar-a-Lago. It's a numbers game.

It's just another happy ending when a millionaire in a private jet gets to land safely. It is, though. I mean, planes do like to fly and all that, and they're so much safer than we think. You are in a giant vehicle that is falling out of the sky.

And then there's a little nuance on how you don't make it smash and bounce on earth, but not much, not much. I have no interest in flying a plane. I think I do. Well, here's the problem. This is when I do, let's say somehow I got some of that mailbox money or something happens between now and when I retire in like two months. It would be really fun to travel that way, like around the country. Fly yourself around? I don't think I would fly to Hawaii. I mean, obviously, I mean, even if Hawaii were three, two hours away, I don't know if I would.

I think I need to know there's emergency landing possibilities every step of the way. I think I'd like to go to Alaska. The only time I was in one of those kinds of planes is I was in Alaska. And this guy, I was in a bar after a college show. And this guy goes, hey, you want to go up in a plane tomorrow? I was in Juneau. And I was like, maybe, what's the deal? He goes, it's a hundred bucks. I'll take you up for an hour. I was like, that seems like a really

good deal. Because we were in, he goes, there's a place called Bear Island, which is just off the coast. And it has the highest population of black bear anywhere in the country. So I'll take you over that. And so I get to the airport the next morning and we walk up to the plane and it turns out it was a 1942 it was called a Stenson and it was made of wood and he had to

he had to take the propeller and spin it to get it going but he couldn't get it going and we were there for like 45 minutes he had his toolbox out and he's trying to fix it. And I'm like getting more and more scared.

Like this is fucking crazy. And then he finally gets to go. I don't know what I was thinking. And the guy was drunk the night before. And I go up with him and we take off and we go over the ocean and we see fucking whales breaching underneath us. He's like right above the water. We go above bear island we see

bear and we're flying back and there's like two a mountain pass and we hit some fucking wind and this thing got whipped around it was like being on a roller coaster it was insane and imagine imagine emergency landing on bear island okay and dinner is served. It's like Uber Eats in a plane. Wow. All right. Are you ready for the entertainment section? Oh, okay.

We're skipping Barbie. Oh, did we skip Barbie? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry. You do Barbie. Go ahead. Read it.

In a new set of firsts for Barbie, the latest in its, quote, most diverse and inclusive doll line yet. It'll include a Barbie with hearing aids. I thought you made up a story here, but this is the real one. Mattel's global head of Barbie dolls. That's a that's a confusing sentence. Lisa McKnight said, quote, it's important for kids to see themselves reflected in the V product and to

encourage play with dolls that don't resemble them to help them understand and celebrate the importance of inclusion. Hey, Barbie, Barbie, Barbie, since you don't have any holes in your body, why do you need a hearing aid? Here's some other stuff you don't need. Tampons, toilet paper, a toothbrush, food, hemorrhoid cream, and a fucking hearing aid.

Also, Barbie does not want to hear what everybody's been saying about her pussy for 80 years. She does not need to hear that. She's made it through. She's blissfully unaware. Right, right. She might not even be aware of what's going on down there. Yeah. But everyone else is.

I love that they want the doll to reflect people that they want to see themselves reflected. And again, I don't want to go, everybody knows the dimensions of a Barbie doll. If she was that skinny and that tall, she would literally weigh like 78 pounds if she was a real person. Irreparable damage for generations that it's done on especially American girls, for sure.

Yeah. But I do get what they're saying in terms of you don't want a doll like you. Like, none of my blow-up dolls are men. Right? Well, it's a man. Because inclusion. You have to blow up that front part, and then it becomes a man. You're not blowing up the whole doll. It's all about inclusion. You have to blow up that front part, and then it becomes a man. You're not blowing up the whole doll.

It's all about inclusion. That's all I'm saying. Speaking of dolls. Entertainment section. Speaking of dolls, Ellen DeGeneres' long-running daytime TV show, full disclosure, Mike and I both worked on this show if you didn't know it, will air its series finale on Thursday, May 26th. The celebrities that will appear during the last weeks of her talk show's 19th

and final season include Zac Efron, Kate McKinnon, Justin Timberlake, Keith Urban, Sean, Diddydy Combs, Luke Bryan. Who's Luke Bryan? Country. Keep going. Kerry Washington, Brad Paisley, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Oprah Winfrey, Mila Kunis, and Bruno Mars. The show first premiered in 2003. And little Greggy was there. That's right.

Do you remember the first show? Oh, yeah. I remember the first show. You guys did test shows, though, I imagine, the week leading up. Yeah, we did a bunch of test shows leading up. Now, in terms of who were the first guests, I don't remember. I know who the first guest was. Who?

Jennifer Aniston. Oh, okay. And the reason I know that is because she was the first guest on this season as the, like, you know, the, the bookends and she, and I thought, well, that's how they got her because it was not popular to do. No one kind of wanted to do Ellen's show this year. And she, she was fired in my opinion. And, um, so, but I think that the, the, the appeal then it was, you know, what it's going to be her last season. Everybody saw it, that she got, you know, more guests than I think she would have.

And they appealed to Jennifer Aniston that way. Like you'll be the first guest in our last season as you were the first guest in our first. Wow. But what is going on with Diddy? I'm missing something. Why is he anywhere? He was the next presenter on the Oscars after the slap, which is a pretty key position in the Oscars, regardless of the slap.

It was like two commercial breaks or one from the end. And he's like that traveling gnome that's just popping up everywhere. And there's no logic to it. What is it? Do you know what he's doing? I don't know what, I mean, he's become what everybody wants to be in this society and entertainment, which is an icon. You want to be a brand. And so that's kind of what he is now like it's not like it's not like Diddy comes out with a new album and everybody runs out and gets it but he'll produce an album he'll put out a line of clothing he'll you know manage an artist like he's just the guy who's in the middle of it all but you don't really know why anymore and you

can't get rid of them right i'm sorry i'm looking something up he's like i was gonna say oh what happened what did you do oh god there's a comedian i was gonna mention that he was like that chris can you get up the list of people who Kendrick morphs into on his video so I just put this in here did you watch the Kendrick Lamar his new video dude I fucking love that song it's he man what an artist anyway this video I think they're using that deep fake you, where you see Tom Cruise and it's truly... You think they're using it? Well, no, I don't know if it's the exact, if it's that tech exactly.

I'm sure there's a bunch of techs like it. Okay, so here the most surprising thing is he didn't play fucking Diddy. Diddy somehow, Lamar didn't turn into Diddy, but he morphs into these other black men. And that is the theme of this video. And it's Kanye West, Will Smith, Jussie Smollett, OJ Simpson, freak me out. Yeah. Uh, Kobe Bryant and finishes in a really cool way as

Nipsey Hussle. It's wild, man. Did you know all those faces or did you... I put together by the lyrics it was Nipsey Hussle, if I don't say so myself. Jussie Smollett, I wasn't focusing on lyrics.

I totally saw Kobe kind of freaked me out a little and will smith and of course kanye yeah i got everybody but jesse smollett yeah um yeah uh so anyway check that out i guess that's what we're saying it is scary because you realize like this next election cycle that's coming up, watch out. This is going to be the first time you're going to see that CGI technology used by putting words into politicians' mouths. They've already done it. And unleashing it on the internet right before the election. I guarantee it.

They've already done it, by the way. You know that. They got in trouble. I think they did something with Biden. Oh, really? And he did not say that. They got in trouble. I think they did something with Biden. Oh, really? And he did not say that. But the problem is now it's still kind of easy, very easy to prove, you know, and in a way. But it's soon I think it's just going to get so blurry. Also, a lot of people don't unsee. And this is not a left wing thing. I'm saying even The New York Times, like people

don't see The New York Times corrections even when they're doing their due diligence. Right. And now, though, you'll talk about Fox News. Forget it. They don't even correct themselves. Yeah. They get sued. They get sued and they still don't correct themselves.

The defense of Tucker Carlson in a court of law was your honor. This was his defense. Your honor. No one can possibly be taking tucker carlson uh as a journalist he's an entertainer yeah that was the defense right right they admitted that fox news is not a news channel right even though it says news okay um Okay. So let's skip this one. Okay. Get to actor and comedian Andy Dick was arrested Wednesday morning on suspicion of felony sexual battery in Orange County. Oh, Andy.

The deputies arrived at a campground at the park. I guess this was a trailer park. I don't know if Andy's living in a trailer park in Orange County and contacted the caller, a man who said he was the victim of the assault. After the investigation, Dick, 56, was arrested on suspicion of felony sexual battery, booked into the county jail. The victim was taken to a hospital for an assault examination. Of course, Andy thinks sexual battery is the ever-ready double D he puts in his anal fleshlight. Well, you're friends with him.

You can say that. He would laugh at that. You've held it. He would laugh at that. Do you have a joke there? Well, I mean, Jesus Christ. This guy is going to sue Andy for every dollar he is worth. I should say for both dollars he is worth.

Poor Andy. God, I spent a crazy night with him down. We were shooting something with Chelsea Peretti down at Staples. We were basically, we went down there to interview Lady Gaga fans as they were all pouring into Staples Center. And the interesting thing, though, it went from a, all right, these are, you know, sort of ducks in a barrel and fish in a barrel. What's it saying? Fish in a barrel.

Fish in a barrel. And, you know, easy, easy to make fun of. And then it got really interesting. And, like, Chelsea and I looked at each other like, isn't that the fifth one that said that? And we then started to front load the question, which was, when was that? So the Gaga fans, especially back then, I think she called them her animals. No, there was some creatures.

There was some saying. Yeah. Her arm, monsters. Was it monsters? Her little monsters or something. And it was like she was kind of a maternal very like madonna like this maternal figure that was going to be accepting of them and not judge them and a lot and it was like she was almost a cult leader so anyway we then

front-loaded the question which was this simple when was when was the last time you spoke to your dad i am not kidding you we would be like they'd be straight face listening to the question we'd be like when was some of them would start to cry and then most though were just simply like huh and then and i thought huh that's a rude question instead it was huh let me look up in my head. Cause I really have to think about this. It's been a while. Yeah. That's hilarious. It was amazing how many dads were just not putting up with that Gaga shit in their kid. Yeah. Anyway, Andy and I, all right, first of all, very quickly, we went to, there was Wolfgang Puck restaurant after the shoot, before the concert,

Wolfgang Puck restaurant, I guess before the concert Wolfgang Puck restaurant. I guess I just remember because it was probably like the nicer restaurant right in right in that little area outside Stable Center. This insanely good looking waitress, like completely a model waits on our table and he's like, look at you, look at you. And then she's like, yes, can I get a drink order? And I'm like, this is not, this is not, this will not go well, right? And he's like, no, no, no, no, hold on. Turn around, turn around, let's see it.

Turn around. She's then turning around. He's like, bend over. She's bending over. And I'm just like, is this the power of like C-list celebrity? Can you imagine the power of A-list celebrity? Right. She bends over.

Anyway. And then all of a sudden before they say, well, what about drinks? He's like, not before I get a kiss. She kisses him. And I'm just like, I can't even believe what I'm seeing. Cut to 20 minutes later. She's not involved anymore. Thank God.

20 minutes later, he goes up to the vip window and he's like you have vip tickets for andy dick he turns to me he's like watch this and i'm like and all of a sudden like um we don't have you here but how many were you looking for and he's like uh gibby what do you think and then he doesn't wait for an answer this is all just and he goes uh 11 and and there's four of us and they're like 11 he's like yes i need 11 gaga forgot this should be there and then the woman goes uh let me get my manager so then the manager comes and the manager's like you're andy dick and he's like yeah and he's like and you want 11 tickets and they're struggling with us they're're taking him seriously. And then, uh, Andy goes,

yes. And I don't want to repeat myself again. I'm like, Oh my God. Oh, like I need, I do need half of this in my life, but he's like, I don't want to pay. He's like, uh, okay, Andy. Well, I'll need to see ID. And then he, he gets angry and puts his face right up to the glass and then draws a circle with his index finger on his face., this is my ID, like circling his face. So they get another manager who goes, we've determined you're too inebriated to enter the building. Oh, nice. And I'm kind of like at that point, thank God.

So now the other two leave. It's just me and Andy. I don't even know why I'm there because it can only end not well. And so we're walking around Stable Center. There's these unmarked doors that are painted the same color as the building. And what we learned were their exit doors from two floors up, like the box seat level, the suites. And it's their own exclusive exit, but it's never entry. It's their own exclusive exit, but it's never entry. One of them opens and someone leaves.

Andy instinctively flies at the door and hurls himself and grabs the door with two hands. It's like, we're in, Gibby. And then we get in and then we go upstairs two flights. And then there's the security guard standing at the door and he bangs like furious. And this like old black woman like turns around, just looks at us like, who the fuck are you? And he just gestures like, I just had a cigarette. And we get right into the box seats, right into the suites. Yeah.

That was my night with Andy. Crazy. And then I lost him in there. Thank God. I've had many nights with Andy. I actually produced a couple of shows, a couple of pilots that he was was on that i was on one of them with him wow and one night we were in new york and i'm at the comic strip on the upper east side and i'm on stage and somebody starts fucking heckling me from the back and which doesn't really happen like you don't get like old school 1980s heckling anymore where people are saying you suck and you're not funny and then i realized it's

andy dick and so i call him up on stage and he comes up and we like did some improv together he he's the best improviser in the world he's amazing he's great yeah so we fuck around on stage we have a blast and then he brings this couple up on stage that's young and they're from denmark and they're impossibly good looking and uh he starts flirting with them he's groping them both on stage they're laughing we get off stage and then he goes let's go get some food plus he's got a posse already he's already got i think his son lucas might have been with us and there's usually a good looking young man young men that don't realize they're not gay yet. Right.

They don't realize they're gay yet. Or they may accurately realize they're straight, but this night's going to be a blip. Yeah. And so we walked down Second Avenue and Andy wants to go to this Turkish place. And so we get there and they're literally key is in the door. They're locking up and the whole staff is out front. And Andy's like, Oh,

please stay open. Manager recognizes them. Waitress recognize them. And they go, okay, we'll reopen for you. So unlock the door, go inside,

fire up the grills, throw a tablecloth down, set the table, pass around the fucking menus, order food and we're waiting and andy gets a text from some guy that he's into on the lower east side so andy and first of all and we're sitting next to the couple and he puts them on either side of him and i go andy which one are you trying to fuck he goes i haven't decided yet oh my god and so so then he gets a text uh from somebody in the lower east side and so he just stands up and goes okay we're going and he leaves the restaurant leaves the restaurant leaves us sitting there it's a wake of destruction behind and me and the danish couple

are sitting there and so i just like i just peel off like 50 bucks and i throw it on the table like i'm really sorry for the inconvenience and we fuck i mean that that was the beginning of the night it and then and then we're then we're at a bar in the village and he's he's making out with this girl but then i turn around later and she's smacking him across the face. It's like this every single night. Chaos every night. Chaos. You peeled off that 50 rather easily.

Why don't you peel off 250 for our March Madness bet? Just peel it off and throw it on any table I'm sitting at. All right. Before you write letters, two things. One, what was the first one? I don't know. Letters about what? Oh, two things. One, what was the first one? I don't know. Letters about what? Oh, two points. Don't write any letters. We both may have told that story like two years ago, because we do tell Andy Dick stories. So save your letters. And secondly, we are aware we are

describing sexual harassment. With the waitress in the restaurant. We get it. It's not like the power and charm of a celebrity. She probably really felt she had no choice. So we get that. And so we're sorry. And if you're feeling suicidal, there is help out there for you. Call 1-800-SUICIDE-HOTLINE. Did you make that up? They always do that on TV shows. If they depict suicide in any way, they always make that announcement before the show starts. No, but I think you might have given out a number that doesn't exist, which might be the last straw for the person who's calling. Like, oh, this is Home Depot? Chris, look up the number for Suicide Hotline.

I think it's 1-800- Let's give the right number. I think it's 1-800-SUICIDE-HOTLINE. I thought you were going to be like, 1-800-WHO-GIVES-A-SHIT. I didn't know where you were going. I'm like, don't do that. Get help, maybe? Why would you even think of that?

But let's get the right number. Yeah, let's put the right number up in case you're feeling suicidal. And you know what? Some people are. And I've never called one of those hotlines, but our friend, Evan Dunsky's child, used to work for one of those hotlines, a teen suicide hotline for a long time. 1-800-273-8255. But what is that spell?

You'd think they'd make it an easier number if someone's at their wits end. And not only wits end. And not only wits end, everything end. Make it easier. I mean, like, you know, we have dumb products. God, I should be able to come up with three off the top of my head that are

easier to remember than that. Wait, 273 is ABC QRS. No, go to the two fives. Won't that be conspicuous? Get well? I don't know.

Ooh, is it? No, it couldn't be. All right, anyway. Speaking of suicide, let's do some Florida, man. Get well would be insulting. Florida home builder Vanilla Ice, you heard me, encourages the influx of New Yorkers to South Florida. So I saw this story this week, and it was a taped interview.

He was in Lake Worth, and Vanilla Ice says, Florida is now the sixth borough. Good, good. worth and vanilla ice says florida is now the sixth borough good good let's get how about how about it's the fifth borough and we make staten island a town in new jersey where it really belongs i don't know i like the two boroughs fighting it out for the bottom spot of like the craziest places staten island versus flor. Staten Island should be called Florida North. Yeah. So but he warned New Yorkers should not expect the New York minute down here. They're they've got to slow down and enjoy the sunshine. He said sunshine. We're selling the sunshine. He said sunshine about 20 times. So ice. I think it's funny just to refer to him as ice. about 20 times.

So Ice, I think it's funny just to refer to him as Ice. Ice, who has been building. You think Ice would hate sunshine? Ice, solid one. Ice, who has been building homes for 30 years, gave the interview in front of an old 1920s Masonic temple in Lake Worth Beach that he's renovating into a pop culture museum and brewery. You know what?

Not a bad idea, if you ask me. But he is doing to that temple what he did to a Queen song. You had this rather sacred thing, and now it's going to be vanilla iced all over it. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. By the way, regarding that riff, he was on Saturday Night Live because he was the hottest

musical act in the country at that time. He performs. And as you know, usually after the first performance, it then goes to the news. Dennis Miller is the host of the Weekend Update. And he plays the Queen song. No. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And he goes, man, that song was still so great, but he played the original queen song and said that. That's awesome. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I went down a fucking rabbit hole when I saw this story because I realized like he's a builder now.

I want to know the journey because I heard he was bankrupt at one point. He, uh, he took a year off, uh, in, at the height of his career to become a professional, uh, jet skier. And he became fourth ranked in the country in competitive jet skiing. Yeah. Are you serious? Well, when he was in high school or right out of high school, he won like three or four national motocross championships on motorcycles.

What? Yes. Our buddy Rabih was in reality TV, and what's the one? Surreal House? Yeah. Yeah, that is the name. I wrote it down wrong in this document. And Ruby was impressed with him and said he was really a solid guy.

Well, you know, what also is crazy is that he was the first like top of the charts rap artist in history. He was the first guy to chart like number. I don't know if he's number one but uh he he like kind of there's some there's some rap artists that actually give him some props for what he did for rap well i've said it before and i will never stop saying it he is far blacker than the fresh prince and i kind of mean that in that there's no way Will Smith, his upbringing and that Fresh Prince shit can compete with the level of white trash that Vanilla Ice was. Yeah. Well, and now he's a home builder. And I love that his message is that New Yorkers should not expect the New York minute. And he's a contractor. So basically he's saying, uh, the project's not going to be done in time. Yeah. There's some delays. You got to throw me some pretty sick bonuses for me to hit these deadlines. Yeah. But he talked about the greatest food in the world was in like, he, he kind of, you know, New York is like his

favorite city. And anyway, man, uh, hats off to him if he's doing you know great at that usually they'd be dead a star you know like a one-hit wonder type thing like that like or really not it like doing pathetic shows in like uh or bar mitzvahs not even that obviously but in back rooms of bars and shit. I don't know. Yeah, or Indian casinos. There's a lot of casino shows. All right. Another Florida.

We've loaded up Florida stories. St. Pete. Well, this is a Florida woman. St. Pete woman threw bucket of urine in man's face in the dispute, police say. According to an affidavit, Christine Marieie turman all evil people have three names became upset with a man after his chicken pooped on her back patio so she got a bucket of urine from her bathroom as one has and walked onto the patio and threw the bucket of urine on the man i mean it's such a perfect Florida story. Guys covering urine like,

you throw piss at me over chicken shit? Isn't chicken shit what you call like nothing? It was chicken shit. Hey, some guys would pay top dollar for that. Little fucking, little yellow, what do they call it, a golden shower? Thank God he didn't have a dog. She would have thrown human feces at him.

Yeah. You know what, by the way, the three-name bad person thing, I heard the reason why you have John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald is because the news doesn't want the wrong person identified, so they put in the middle name to avoid that. I heard that. I heard that. Somehow we don't know Bill Cosby's middle name. All right.

Another Florida man. No. Yes. Sorry. This is my favorite Florida man of all of them. I mixed it up with the burial in the backyard. A 28-year-old Florida man was arrested yesterday for allegedly battering his ex-boyfriend during a pre-dawn confrontation about penises. Cops report that Kyle Elias Perez,

three names, who shares a St. Petersburg residence with the 37-year-old victim, the 37-year-old victim, woke up his ex at 5.15 a.m. and confronted him for, quote, not having any compassion for Perez's desire for uncircumcised penises. Okay, you and I are going to try to break down this article. I'm already so confused. Investigators noted that Perez, who apparently is circumcised, screamed at the victim for, quote, having no compassion for Perez's mutilated genitals. Perez fled the scene on foot into an alley behind the home where officers located him hiding behind a car. And the identifying feed, like, is that you?

Pull down your pants. Are you the mutilated perpetrator of this alleged assault? All right. Okay, a couple of things. I looked around for this article to be in other periodicals or other outlets. Oh, yeah, because this is a big story. This needs to be covered in everyicals or other outlets. Oh yeah. Cause this is a big story. This needs to be covered in every news journal in the country. It was a big story in Florida outlets and I found TV stations with it.

I found, no, swear to God, I found newspapers with it. Listen, it's also, come on, face it.

It's a sexy story and not all of them have the same details. So, okay. First of all, what did he do wrong? All it says is that he screamed at him. That's the story? A guy screams at another guy?

No. He then grabbed his arm and started punching his head. I do remember that from what I read. Okay, that wasn't in the story, yeah. All right. So, okay. First of all, he woke up his ex at 5.15. Was it his ex when he woke him up

or was it his ex like 20 minutes later? Right? So maybe they were a couple living together, broke up, but didn't move out. And that's always a tricky situation. People think they can make it work until one of them brings somebody else home or doesn't come home.

And then there's jealousy. So I think that's what happened. Or they leave home and say they're going to their sick aunt's place in New York. And never mind. Aaron's not cheating. And so, okay, This is the other thing. He confronted the victim for quote, not having any compassion for Perez's desire for uncircumcised penises.

So when I first read this article, I was fully convinced that his ex had a circumcised penis, but Perez was craving uncircumcised penises. That's how I read it. Yes. Right? Yeah. That's not, then there's this compassion. So what Perez, I think, and I'm sure the listeners are way ahead of me. I think what was going on was he was circumcised and furious about it and referred to his genitals as mutilated. And I guess his ex was having no compassion for that.

Yeah. Well. That's weird. I think I don't want compassion for my penis. I want passion for my penis. I want passion for my penis. Yeah. Passion for the penis. I don't.

Yeah. So maybe it's like you have to rub salve on it every night. How many times have we been through this? I'm going to punch you in the face now and then go hide behind a car. All right. Let's go international. If we must in jolly old england the conservatives have been hit by yet another house of common sex scandal after a female minister reported seeing a male colleague, I guess there's females in there now,

watching porn on a mobile phone in Parliament. She's going down the toilet. It comes just days after the whips said they would try to find out which Tory, all these stupid fucking names, the whips and the Tory MPs, in an article in the Mail on Sunday had falsely accused Labour's deputy leader, Angela Rayner, of a basic instinct ploy to distract Boris Johnson by crossing and uncrossing her legs in Parliament.

Did you hear about that story? So this is two stories. So dumb. How can you prove that? You know, she's a woman, and she's attractive. And so one of these fucking slobs on the right is trying to say that she's showing her pussy to Boris Johnson. Jesus Christ. Maybe she is. But like, isn't that on Boris?

Right. I don't know. And it's hard to prove that she did it. Like, you know, you don't have to. It's not a law to wear underwear. And if you have a skirt on, that means you're properly dressed know you don't have to it's not a law to wear underwear and if you have a skirt on that means you're properly dressed i don't know plus he can't even if she has no panties on and it's a short skirt he's not gonna see her vagina have you seen british vaginas there's so much hair he would never actually see it so just as just generally across the board, all British pussy has tons of hair,

tons of hair. Yeah. They haven't gotten the memo to try to look like a baby. Their teeth and their pubic hair need work. That's what I've heard. I think in our government, in our system, Nancy Pelosi should use it as a threat because I think the Democrats would get whatever they wanted if Pelosi's like, I am going to uncross my gams and you are going to see my nether region. It would be like, whatever. Yes. Infrastructure bill.

You got it. Please. And I just shaved. We will cough up Trump. Put him in jail. Just don't unleash that on us. But this guy's watching porn. And I was thinking like British porn.

What is British porn? I bet it's hairy, Greg. It's hairy. It's a lot of guys in white wigs, fucking Aborigines, Indians, Irish girls. It's metaphorical porn? Yeah. They come on their faces and then they collect taxes from them. If only it had been so kind.

If only it had been so kind. Churchill would be rolling in his grave if he wasn't so fat. 7.2 on the Richter scale. All right, let's get to some sports. Sports. Sports. I don't really care about sports, and this will be a little glimpse into why. So the NFL power rankings have come out after the completion of the draft.

So the one I'm looking at, I guess I should say what it is. It's a bleeding green. I don't even know whose it is. Anyway, there's a bunch of them. ESPN is the one I always watch. Okay. Well, anyway, they're all pretty similar, although this one has a team up top that I didn't see on the other.

So who do you think are in the top four? The Rams, the Buccaneers, um, the Packers. Okay. So Rams on this list are number one. Uh, the, you're doing well. The Buccaneers are, are, uh, five, but on other lists, I saw the Buccaneers is number two. And then there's the Bengals and my new favorite team, the Buffalo. Oh, yeah, the Bengals, right.

And then my new favorite team, the Buffalo Bills. Yes. Actually, and the Bengals. I love both of those teams now. And the reason I love them is because I'm a Jets fan. And I need somewhere to put my love. Okay, let's go down the list to the bottom. How about this?

Where do you think the New York teams are? So I will tell you there are 32 teams. I would say the Giants are in the bottom 10, and the Jets are in the bottom five. They are number 25 and 26, and this is pretty high. Out of 32. Yeah. They're lower on other lists.

Okay, do you want to guess the last? Well, you probably won't. You don't follow it enough. But they have Carolina as last, Seattle as last. Miami? Houston Texans, Atlanta Falcons, Bears, Jaguars, Jets, Giants. And by the way, the Jets are lower than the Giants. Lions, of course, New Orleans Saints.

Miami's 21. Steelers, of course, transition time. Oh, God, and their quarterback died in Florida, one of their young quarterbacks. Wait, did San Francisco get a new quarterback? I don't even know what that means, but they're number 11. Well, they were getting rid of Garoppolo. That was the rumor is they were going to get rid of Garoppolo

and get somebody new. Oh, okay. Anyway. Debo's future's up in the air, it says here. Whatever. We're not sports, guys. Let's not pretend to be. Okay.

But anyway, yeah. So New York team's firmly in the air, it says here. Whatever. We're not sports, guys. Let's not pretend to be. Okay. But anyway, yeah. So New York team's firmly in the bottom. Oh, yeah. And then Denman just posted this story. Tom Brady gets the richest TV contract ever for post-playing career. Fox is giving him a 10-year $370 million contract. Do we even know if he can broadcast? $37 million a year and isn't football like seven months maybe six oh maybe five what are you talking about it starts in september and it's done

in january yeah four months or february four or five months and and it's but you know i mean obviously you got to do a lot of prep because that sunday you have to know fucking shut up whatever you got to know the backstories oh great so it's a hard job for four months all right it says it doubled the salaries of troy acheman and tony romo okay tony romo i think is great i think, I think, is great. I think Troy Aikman is great. He's a little, you know, there's nothing. He's a little too manly. He doesn't say anything funny. But this is very sad, and I'm not intending for this to be funny.

Aikman is maybe the poster child for concussions. It's hard to count how many concussions he had. Yeah, right, right. And if they were bad, and I know there's a lot of variables, like his genetic makeup and all that, but I'm wondering if on air, and again, this is not intended to be funny, I'm wondering if we will see his faculties diminish on air, and I really hope not.

Well, Brady, I'm sure, got, how many times did he get fucking head-tackled from behind? I really hope not. Well, Brady, I'm sure got, how many times did he get fucking tackled, head tackled from behind? I don't know. I don't have a lot of memory of Brady on the ground. I mean, sure, there's famous hits and stuff like that, but was Brady ever

hurt hurt? Oh, he hasn't had many concussions. He missed one year with a torn ACL. Oh, all right. That's what Denman is saying. Gotcha. Wow, he missed a whole year.

That's crazy. Anyway, let's get off the sports since we know anything about it. All right. Why don't you go to your science? This story is you written all over it. Go ahead. This story is you written all over it. Go ahead.

In the search for eternal youth, poo transplants may seem like an unlikely way to reverse the aging process. Scientists at the Quadrum Institute have provided evidence from research in mice that transplanting fecal microbiota from young to old mice can reverse hallmarks of aging in the gut, eyes, and brain. In the reverse experiment, microbes from aged mice induced inflammation in the brain of young recipients and depleted a key protein required for normal vision. This is why old guys date young women.

They're eating that ass. It's like the fountain of youth. There you go. Yeah. Well, listen, that's why I've always said, don't give me that old shit. I want the new shit. I want the new shit.

Honey, don't come in. Honey, don't come in. I'm pooping. Okay, sweetie, but don't flush. It's in the Ziploc, right? And then it has to go in a cooler and then I'll be back in a day. Let me ask you this

in all seriousness. All right, go ahead. I'm going to answer you honestly. Go ahead. Okay. I don't even know what you're going to ask. I don't even have a guess actually. All right, so let's take this as fact.

We now know that eating young people's shit will reverse your aging. That's not what the article said, but go ahead. Would you, in fact, take a knife and fork and eat a log of

shit from like an attractive young woman? Do they eat Mexican? Is this like grass-fed beef? Well, it can't be too spicy if I'm going to eat their shit. Yeah, right. And you don't want the corn in there. Oh, golly.

Yeah, the salsa with the corn? Yeah. Oh, golly. Yeah. The salsa with the corn. Yeah. So I'm I'm imagining, Greg, that there's ways to dress it up a little bit. No, I don't know. Some mayo. Oh, you're saying would I in would I eat shit? Shit. It would make you look younger. It would make your hair come back. It would give you the cognitive abilities that you had as a 20 year old. Well, this is the age old question. Like, you know, would you do it for a million dollars, which I guess then you would say could buy you that. But yeah what I would. This is the sweet spot I'd wait for. Like Aikman, I am realizing I'm having early onset dementia of some sort and it's irreversible. And I'd be like, got it. All right. Line up some volunteers for me to eat their shit. And then I would wait to the point where I probably wouldn't remember it. And then I would just feast. Wait to the point where I probably wouldn't remember it, and then I would just feast. There you go.

I would just chow down. Like a fly. Like a fly on a piece of dog shit on a steamy, sunny day. Yeah. Not my words, but that's exactly what I would do. And I would chow down and wait for that reversal. There you go. There you go. And you'd be good looking, and you might attract young women to you until they smelled your breath.

Breath would be perhaps a deal breaker. Deal breaker. Yeah. Also, my stools probably wouldn't be so hot if that's what I'm eating. Never mind Mexican food. Right. Yeah. So, but I'm in.

All right. Let's move on to NASA. Oh. so but i'm in all right let's move on to uh nasa oh and you'll notice me reading all the stories today because once again i loaded the script even though you read one of mine up top by the way so yes you did yeah yeah i let it go i let these things go nasa has announced that they will be sending nudes to attract aliens to come to earth. Well, look what story look what stories you do. OK, go ahead. Shit. Well, I don't I don't critique my stories if you don't put any in.

You didn't let me. I was putting them in. You're like, I'm like, I'm going to load the dock. Literally, this is our text exchange. I'm like, I owe you that. I'm going to load the dock this week. You're like, OK, just make sure to have them all in by Thursday afternoon. I'm like, you got it. I then go

into the doc and your dumb face is sitting there on the Google doc in that bubble and you're just loading it with lead stories and stuff. I put all those Florida stories in. By Thursday afternoon means like, you're the one who's like, hey, do the document like early in the

week and we can throw stories in as we're going. Then we can actually like write jokes. I went right away in i went right away to the 11th hour and then you fucking throw in uh a florida man and call it a day oh my god no there was way more than that i'm trying to think what one of you does all right anyway go Anyway, go ahead. Go ahead with your story. It's more of a rudimentary rendering of a naked man and woman next to a strand of DNA. Scientists believe that sending this image of naked humans in binary code will help to open a line of communication to any alien civilization that might exist. Yeah. Okay.

Great. Let's encourage UFO rape. I put the Ellen DeGeneres story in, by the way. Um, this is such a bad idea. Listen, the universe, life out in the universe, extraterrestrial life, they already know we are the stupidest things in the universe. We've ruined our home earth, tons and tons of trash now orbits earth. Cause we don't even have enough room for our trash here.

And that's also just how we roll. Our planet is like a meth trailer and now we're sending dick pics to anyone who will take them. We are the most desperate fucked up thing in the universe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it depends on the pictures that we're sending.

If we if we're sending Nancy Pelosi, then if we want to keep UFOs away from the planet, those away from the planet, we'll send up Nancy Pelosi and maybe Harvey Weinstein naked. If we want to encourage people to visit us, then we send up- Tom Brady, your boyfriend. Tom Brady, the girl from Euphoria. All right. A little young, but okay. Old enough to... Objectify?

...go on HBO. Yeah. All righty. What do we got now? Let's do... What did you load in here? This thing in history. You always do that.

in here. This thing in history. You always do that. May 15th, 2009, GE finally initiates a cleanup of the polluted Hudson River. After decades of environmental damage and legal wrangling, General Electric begins its government mandated efforts to clean the Hudson River. Electric begins its government mandated efforts to clean the Hudson River. One of America's largest and most prestigious corporations, GE, had dumped harmful chemicals into the river for years and spent a fortune trying to avoid the cleanup. Having grown up on the Hudson River, this was a story in the local paper every fucking week. local paper every fucking week and there were so many pcbs and the and the argument that ge kept making was well they're they're under the silt now so it's better to leave them because if we dredge them up it's just going to get into the water they also spent i wanted to say billions

but probably back then hundreds of millions on trying to evade any accountability, counter suing like crazy because all their legal, their legal, you know, it's all in-house legal. Didn't matter. So around the clock delays. They tried to sue so hard to get out of any accountability. Yes. So they and I remember Robert Kennedy Jr. was the guy that spearheaded this. He was a hero. He got a little fucking crazy as he got older

with the anti-vax shit, but back then he was kind of a normal guy. I think he might have been a founding board member or very early adopter of Riverkeeper, which was a huge fundraising effort. And people would, you know, all your donations went to like funding this effort to fight not only GE, but other polluters. Our buddy, Jim Adrian, who's a corporate lawyer, he does a lot of high end corporate insurance. I'm forgetting which side he was on, but it was like,

insurance. And I'm forgetting which side he was on, but it was like, let's say mobile. One move these people used to do, their big tankers would come into New York and then they would go up the river a little and use the river to flush out their fuel tanks and their oil. And they would like do this thing, which, and it would just absolutely pollute the river. And then when they got sued and fined and all this stuff, they they ran to their insurance companies. like, yeah, we don't insure that behavior. And then they sued their insurance companies. And that's how Jim got involved. And it's, again, hundreds of millions of them trying to wiggle out of accountability, suing their insurance companies for not insuring this criminal behavior. Crazy. But Monsanto was involved and they dumped stuff from these PCBs for 30 years, 1947 for 30 years. Big fish. Big fish.

State of New York banned fishing in the upper Hudson in 1976 due to the pollution. Which, by the way, in 1976, there was a beach in Tarrytown on the river. There was a beach club that I used to go to. And we used to swim out into the Hudson. We'd try to swim out to the buoy and back again because it was really far out. And we would get very fucked up at the Rockefeller State Park. And then we'd swim out into the Hudson. And you fucking smelled when you got out of there.

It was nasty. There was always dead fish floating around. My dad showed me where both my parents grew up in the Bronx, and so did your dad. And where was your mom? Bronx. Oh, yeah, down by the bridge? Throg's Neck, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he showed me that rock, which you can see if you take Circle Line around Manhattan. But even if you're just driving up the West Side Highway, if you look out to the right, when you're going over the bridge into Riverdale from Manhattan, there were these rocks. And all the kids would go there and jump off into, I guess that's kind of where the Hudson meets the East River. No, it's the Harlem River. I think it's technically the Harlem River. It's three rivers all come together. Yeah. And then the Long Island Sound is just off to the east.

Yeah. And they would all day long. And this was the 1950s before this shit really took off. Yeah. I think then you just had to avoid landing on the floating bodies. The currents out there were insane also. They have really strong currents.

They kill people like almost instantly. Yeah. All right, let's do some letters to the editor. Oh, okay. Hey, guys. This is from Asian girl Cara.

Hey, guys. Love the Sunday paper podcast. I listen with my boyfriend every single weekend. Well, she just ruined that. No corrections here. Maybe just something to consider. Our biggest pet peeve with playing the show on YouTube is that it's always posted as a live stream. And I blame Chris Denman.

Kidding. But it's kind of annoying, especially when it's not a live stream and I blame Chris Denman. Kidding. But it's kind of annoying. Especially when it's not a live stream and is recorded on Saturdays. If I pause the show during the live stream and try to resume after it's ended, the YouTube doesn't save my progress and restarts from the beginning.

Can't imagine this is the first time you guys heard this. Chris? Chris. Your response to this? Actually has heard this chris chris your response to this actually is the first time he said wow okay so is there a different way we can do it premiere lets people god he's such a fucking slow typer chris we don't want to lose our Asian girl listeners. Premiere lets more people jump in live. But it's not live. What does jump in live mean?

I don't know. You mean... They watch it like it's live. People chat. Oh, they chat? I didn't know that. People tune in. Oh, yeah. No, people chat on YouTube didn't know that. People tune in. Oh, yeah. No, people chat on YouTube and then I

respond to them. It's like a TV show coming on. Okay. And Chris signed off. You misspelled Heil and Hitler's capitalized. How did he get an emoji for a swastika? I don't have that on my keyboard. That has to be custom.

It's like he added stuff to the plus symbol. Liz writes in, Mike is right. I know he doesn't get that a lot. I started watching Friends with my 13-year-old son. We are on season eight. He has learned pretty much everything about sex, including stuff he shouldn't know at this age. Well, then why are you still showing?

Every episode has sex in it, every single one. The other night, Monica was afraid Chandler was rubbing one out to shark videos. Were they that horny? Long time Forever fan, Liz. Liz, thank you, and it is a filthy show. Tick joke, tick joke, tick joke, tick joke joke dick the bazillion of them yeah well they're you know six good-looking people they're all very good-looking people don't you think what here's another liz what what's this one elizabeth brown says george

bush doesn't care about black people check i agree uh mike gibbons doesn't care about black people. Check. I agree. Mike Gibbons doesn't care about non-beautiful people. It's a stretch, but I stand by my claim. Well, you clearly have never seen Dennis Gubbins. Oh, boy. What does she mean? What does this Elizabeth Brown mean? I don't know who you were. Maybe you were talking about.

Don't I hate the beautiful people? I don't know. Elizabeth, follow up with who you're talking about... Don't I hate the beautiful people? I don't know. Elizabeth, follow up with who you're talking about. Was there fat shaming involved? But I clarified that was glutton shaming. Yeah. I did make inappropriate jokes about This Is Us, the TV show, that when my girls watch it, it eats up all the bandwidth and I can't get any Wi-Fi.

Also, I have to get a stronger rack to hold my TV when it's on and that maybe we shouldn't watch it because we live on the top floor and we could hurt people below us. And that that's my daughter's way of asking for a bigger television. It's just not going to happen. And when my daughters were crying because the baby died, my first guess was that they ate it. Other than that, I don't know what the fuck Elizabeth Brown is talking about. All right, let's cheer up and go to the funny. Scott Adams, the creator of the long-running Dilbert comic strip, tried to make... I'm reading this because you said you were going to start

putting Scott Adams comics into the show. Charles Adams, correct. Oh, Charles Adams? Yes. Oh, is he related to Scott Adams? Oh, I don't know. No. Oh, I thought you were talking about Scott Adams.

No, because he doesn't have two Ds. Adams very uniquely has two Ds, the famous Charles Adams. Oh, well, this guy Scott Adams created Dilbert, tried to make a joke at transgender people's expense, but he failed. Let's see if the world is ready for this, Adams wrote in a tweet about his comic on May 2nd. The comic shows the manager introducing a new co-worker, Dave, to Dilbert and the rest of the crew. Dave is drawn to indicate that he's black,

making him the first black character in the comic that debuted in 1989. So in 33 years, he's never had a black character. And this new character said, identify as white uh dave will be featured all week so if this one doesn't get me canceled more chances to come adam said uh except the joke didn't land so apparently though most peepers don't print weekday comic strips in color so when it came out the character didn't look black well all right it sounds like you showed some restraint i guess this guy uh the writer scott adams also accused gay people of wanting to touch our kids while responding to uh secretary of transportation's pete

buddhij response to flor Florida's Don't Say Gay Law. There's a lot to take in. I'm going to read this later. Okay. Yeah. Is it true? Has Mike officially retired Family Circus? Yes. Because, wow, what a big mature move on his part,

but also good fucking riddance. Aloha always, Danny from Maui. I'm getting a lot of fan mail today. I like this feeling. It feels weird and different. Yep. Wait till next week on my fat shaming tirade. It was glutton shaming, not fat shaming.

God bless the poor people who can't control it. Go ahead. Yeah. Yeah, I'm exhausted too. All right, Lockhorns. Leroy and Loretta are standing at the front door. They're looking out the window, and Loretta's mom is about to ring the bell. And Leroy says, cue the theme from Jaws.

I like it. Next one, the two of them are at a ball game. Leroy's eating a hot dog. And Loretta says, I said I wanted tickets to the Met, Leroy, not the Mets. Let's go to Hager the Horrible. There's a big party going on at the house. There's people partying. And Hager says, what's wrong, wrong helga this is the wildest best

party ever and she goes it's our house and there's a woman hagger's holding her hand he she's scantily dressed with big tits and she's being pulled in one direction while another goon is pulling her in another direct rape is everywhere and it's and she's like not in our house that's when you go out and maraud you rape you pillage then you come home and we have a normal family that's the whole essence of this comic strip looks like a good party jesus yeah uh well i and when we get to charles adams i'll have like he started this stuff, I think. All right. You're going to do a Charles Adams right now?

Yeah, I'll do it. I'll take a picture, I guess, and send it so they can put it, but I'll hold it up for now. Okay, great. Maybe I don't need to send the picture if I hold it up. So it is a husband and a wife and they have a picnic and they're by the edge of like a canyon, you know? And so here it is and she's taking the picture as you can see can can you see that now because i can't see because this book is so goddamn big and she's taking the picture and backing up and she's very near the

edge and the husband goes just back up a dear, so you won't cut off my head. Like 1950-something jokes about killing your wife? I'm telling you, I am going to be doing Charles Adams, who is a giant. I think easily the biggest influence on the far side. And things like the ones we're doing now, this dark humor with the Lockhorns. Like this guy was incredible. And yes, he created the Adams family. But and again, that was dark about their kids, you know, with Wild Adam, but the whole thing.

Anyway, so we'll continue. I'll continue to Charles Adams way better than family. So, OK, here's Blondie. She's standing at the stove. way better than family side grass. Okay. Here's Blondie. She's standing at the stove. She's got on a neon green top. She likes green. A darker green skirt and light green shoes

that match the shirt exactly. She fucking puts it together. She shops for it. She stands in her closet and arranges. She shops for it. Also, she can stand in front of the fucking stove and stir some food in a pan for asshole. And then in the next room, you hear, Daddy, should we surprise Mom with a homemade breakfast this Sunday?

And he's like, hmm, we could, even though I accidentally barbecued the eggs last year. And the kids go, true, I nuked the bacon, and the toast was soggy. She's listening to all this, and now she has to take off her apron, leave the food she's cooking from them, and sit at a laptop and go, at least now I have a few days to pick a nice restaurant. What a life. What a fucking life she is chained to. And you think about what it could be like for a woman of that beauty and that intelligence in the world today she would tear it up today

doesn't deserve her nope does not well listen of another We're going to have a great week coming up. It's going to be 80 degrees tomorrow here in Los Angeles. It was gorgeous today. All right, well, maybe we'll hit the beach this weekend. It's going to be beautiful. People, thank you for listening. Thank you for being a part of Sunday Papers. The Midcoast Media people, Key and Chris and Beth,

thank you for your support and your hard work and Mike I don't think I have anything to promote I'm slogging my way through Better Call Saul and I'm slogging my way through Ozark Is there a new Better Call Saul season?

It's the one, it's currently airing Oh no shit and there's going gonna be a little crossover with breaking bad the crossover has already begun wow yeah all right i got i got so many shit by the way if you haven't been watching my brilliant friend oh it is breathtaking it's gorgeous great it's so fucking good. What else have I heard is great? Sex education. And then Denman just wrote also about winning time.

Oh, yeah. Winning time is amazing. Well, Chris loves it. It's a lot of good TV right now. Chris is totally into winning time just to watch the White Celtics. Right. So that's where he's getting his money. He originally thought winning time was about Germany from 1937 through 43. Just before things went south.

Before we lost sight of the solution. Jason Segel is the best part of the show. He's the worst part of the show. Despite his Judaism, Chris writes. I do not buy for one second that a guy that insecure is in charge of a fucking championship basketball team. I think he's overplaying the softness of the character. Right. But what's his name? Oh, my God.

As Jerry Buss, you know, is, I mean, I think he's going to get at least an Emmy, not. He's got to get the Emmy. John C. Reilly. John C. Reilly's got to get the Emmy for sure. He is that guy. Like, he's that guy. Like, I know I'm watching John C. Reilly, obviously, because they didn't really do much other than wardrobe. And he, like, because we know guys like that who have a wake of destruction behind them,

and they're so happy to meet it. They just want to keep everything moving forward. They're borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and it's just, it's basically their life is a Ponzi scheme, and it's always trying to stay, you know, one step ahead, and that's how he built the Lakers that we know. And by the way, the other show to watch is a new season of Atlanta, which is I mean,

this Donald Glover guy is a genius. There's no other way to say it. He's a genius. He's so good. He's making a beautiful film every single week. He's making 30-minute films. Some of them he's not even in. Some of them none of the characters are in.

It's so good. I see where you're headed yeah let's start doing podcasts where we're not in them just beautiful little audiobooks yeah we're not even in them oh new season of barry is out also i have to watch the last season god there. God, there's so much to watch. Did you catch up on Ozark? No, I haven't even started it yet. Oh, yeah. Although somebody wrote in a fucking spoiler. Oh, well, no spoiler here. I'm telling you what you already know.

God. No, don't tell me anything. I don't want to hear it. Just a blonde girl continues to be so amazing. She's great. All right. Enough. And I'm not at the end. I'm not even near the end, so don't worry.'s great. All right. Enough. And I'm not at the end.

I'm not even near the end. So don't worry. All right. All right, Mike. We'll see you soon. You, sir, should take it eesh. You should take it eesh. All righty.

Sunday Papers With Mike and Gregors Read all about it Yeah Read all about it