Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 115 5/22/22

Episode Date: May 22, 2022

Elon Musk is making jokes about his penis, Nancy Pelosi can’t eat those Jesus wafers, Clapton has the Vid and a Florida Man is on fire this week!    

that shit was gold here it comes one three two which way am i going three two one there's my audio read all about it read all about it where am i about it. Where am I? Where the fuck am I? Tacoma. Took me a minute. Took me a minute. I actually did not know where you were.

Jesus Christ. You don't understand. I've been on the road since December 5th. Like, I would say three out of four weekends. Since December 5th. since december 5th and uh i i woke up this morning and it took me a good 30 seconds to remember where the fuck i was it probably took you longer to remember who you are because you're like i am not wearing maroon that's right i'm i'm it's like uh it's like the first time you saw Gretzky skating for the for the L.A. Kings. Yeah, I'm taking an Adderall now.

We'll see how that goes. You can tell me as you usually do. Why do you take it when we start the show? You should take it a half hour before we start the show. I like peaking right when we say take it each. Oh, yeah. Because I don't want to peak for this. What if I can waste my time?

Oh. Yeah, because I don't want to peak for this. What if I can waste my time? I went down to the hotel dining room, and I had at least three cups of coffee. Oh, wow. Well, I had thought of a funny thing. So when I went in for my hour. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to plug my headphones in.

Hold on. Hold on. Oh, Lord. Did we lose all this gold? No. Oh, you sound nice now. Here we go. Now that's better.

No, it's just our crack producer, Chris Denman, it's his only job. It's literally the only reason he's on this call is to make sure we have our headphones in when we start the Zoom. He had a tough week. Things didn't go as well as he wanted in Buffalo. So no,

too soon. Horrible. Horrible. God. So, which we'll get to that story. So, uh,

I had a thought though. So when I, I have messed it up once, I know it sounds like a bad sick, like a three's company, but my, you know, whatever.

I have the two prescription bottles in my bathroom drawer, and it's Ambien and Adderall. So it is really the blue pill and the red pill. And so, you know, I have to really be careful of which one I take, obviously. But I thought it could be fun if you and I maybe did some experimental podcasts where at the beginning, I like take an Adderall and you take an Ambien. And then the next one, we switch it and we see because our thing is helping each other's energy. So we would watch how that unfolds.

I like that idea. I think I've told this story, I'm sure. But I was the showrunner for the New Year's Eve show with Carson Daly on NBC one year. Oh yeah. No, you, you have definitely told this for sure. Should I not tell it again? Maybe the fastest nugget. Cause I think the fastest nugget was we worked for months and then here it is New Year's Eve. I wake up, I got my pill box and I did exactly that. I took the fucking ambien instead of the adderall and meanwhile we had we had to shoot a sketch that day we we had to like

rewrite the script because we forgot to put in all the throws to commercial and and i fucking swallowed it and then i realized as it went down literally as I'm gulping it down, I'm like, fuck, that was an Ambien. I would have made myself throw up. I tried to make myself throw up for 20 minutes. And I,

for some reason, all that came up was water. No Ambien came up. And somehow just through pure fear of failure, I stayed awake the entire day up until midnight and pulled off another outstanding example of Carson Daly's talent. It was great. I was on like two or three trips ago to New York land. when you're taking an Adderall, that means you are already too tired in your estimation to, you know, do everything the way you want to do it. So that's why you're taking it. And I popped

an Ambien instead. Now I take baby stuff because drugs like really affect me. So I take a five milligram, actually they're five milligrams of both, which are real as look who I'm talking to. Those are baby doses. So thank God, the Ambien that I popped in my mouth before running around Manhattan, having fun, which is why I was going to take this Adderall after my flight. So it turned into muscling through it. I should have followed it with, maybe I did follow it with an Adderall, but I popped an Ambien, and all I can tell you is it was blurry fun. That's all I got. I muscled through it, but you do a little bit of time traveling for sure.

Yeah. Well, we have a friend. I won't mention his name, but he put me in touch. We were at – oh, you were there at. What's the burger place in Venice that we went to the bar? Oh, Hanano. Hanano. We're at Hanano. And he goes, hey, I got this friend who sells like packaged, manufactured doses of psilocybin capsules from Colorado. They're like medicinal. They're not FDA approved, but they might as well be. So he goes, do you want some?

So I bought a whole fucking jar of capsules of mushrooms, and I'm going to microdose starting on Monday. Every three days, I'm going to take a micro dose and see how it affects my depression. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. How many doses did you buy? I think like 30.

I'm in, let me find that dealer or whatever's going on. She's great. Oh no, it's a shape. We're learning more and more about this dealer. Okay. And she knows nothing about the drugs.

Usually drug dealers are like in Tarantino's movie, Pulp Fiction. Why did I have to say Tarantino's movie? Did we not know it was? No. Like that dealer. Who played the dealer in that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stoltz?

Yeah, Eric Stoltz. And he's the expert in everything. This woman knew absolutely nothing about the drugs that she was selling us. I was like, how much should I take? She's like, I don't know. I think it says it on the bottle. I go, well, is it a microdose? Well, I'm not really.

It was like, where did you get these? So I trust her. Did she find a backpack? It sounds like she found a backpack. Yeah, exactly. All right. You got a little category here, top of show and you have written in there alone all week. it was it was lonely it was really lonely but in like a really good way there was no kids no wife the fucking nhl playoffs are on and i would just sit on the couch undisturbed and watch hockey for hours on end and sounds like a nightmare but go ahead oh you don't like hockey well i i mean i'm just thinking what you could do with your time

i know i know i didn't really attack go you know whatever uh but okay you sat on the couch and watched hockey i went play played golf we. We went out to Canyon Ranch. Maybe. But you got to play some time with Bobby Tisdale and Gubbins. Oh, nice. Oh, and your friend Britt. Oh, he played too? Yeah.

Yeah, I brought Britt into the fold. He and I met at VH1 in the roaring 90s. Yeah, he's a good guy. Very funny guy. Dry, really dry. Yeah, he's a good guy. Very funny guy. Dry. Really dry. Yeah. Is he still overweight?

He is very overweight. He played football at Colgate. Yeah, he has beautiful calves. That's the thing about him. He has the most defined, rippled calves you've ever seen. And if I may, there's sort of... No, this will get me in trouble. And if I may, there's sort of, no, this will get me in trouble. I have a theory that more often than not, Asian men have extraordinary calves.

They do, especially Koreans. Yeah. Well, I didn't go there, but hi, daughter. And so they always come in on my, they think I have Asian hate. It's not true at all, though. they do i'm like wow look at those calves those are powerful yeah he has great calves no i mean asians but uh brit though yeah wasn't shaping all this but um anyway no one's harder on himself for be eating too much than brit himself so um yeah but he's a great guy. Really funny. And Gubbins was incredibly well-behaved. Wow. I think thanks to taking upwards of 150 milligrams of edibles while we were out there. That sometimes backfires.

Well, last night, so today's Saturday. Last night he wanted to watch Golden State. That's his team, the Warriors. And so all you have to do is be like, maybe. I'm like, well, what TVs do you plan to scream at tonight? And he's like, I don't know. I was thinking Penmar. Like, doesn't even blink.

It's all the ref's fault. What a fucking game, huh? Big comeback. I didn't watch it, but I looked at the, I watched the end of Ozark with Sophie last night, which we'll get to in entertainment. So, but F you, Ozark. But I saw that they were down a lot and came back.

They were down by 20 and they won by like a dozen points. It was fucking great, great second half. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so what do you got here? Grocery list text. What does that mean?

Oh, just, I don't know if I should show this to you. So here's Sophie's grocery. I read a grocery list and people were amused by it. So I said, hey, listen, I'm going to Trader Joe's on the way home or whatever. Do you want something? So Sophie pops up this list. Whoa. Right.

It's arugula, turkey bacon, sliced turkey, hummus, Italian salt, Brussels sprouts, gluten-free hamburger. It goes on, right? It's like the healthiest thing ever. And anyway, it goes on, and Olivia's just simply text after it, Jesus Christ, you're high maintenance. So that's the daughters. I have Sophie back. And while it's the most wonderful great thing in the world having both of the i'm going it reminds me of the pandemic i'm having flashbacks to a lot not pandemic like a lockdown yeah where no matter where you are it's too crowded

if there's two teenagers there um and you've got them all week you had them this past week the whole time and it's And their fighting is back. It's just like it was. And there's a disruption in the force. That's kind of what goes on. And I'm sure a lot of parents can relate, like when the kid comes home. And she's off so early from Michigan. She's like, geez, none of my friends are here.

So she's been going to see them and stuff like that. But none of her college friends are back. Did you find her a job yet? see them and stuff like that but none of her college friends are back did you find her a job yet um she's found some jobs and she's she's picked up also some house setting drive whatever she's going to europe yeah anyway she's going to europe but but all right so according to her hold on according to her she's gotten like straight a's at michigan she's fucking useless she sees she's here twice i have been like oh hold on here i'll text you the answer and i just text her the link to google because she all she's doing is asking me shit anyone can find out like like dad i don't know

how does this work what channel is that thing on like just like just no no last week i send jojo letters at uh at college i just send her letters sometimes and uh and i always include you know those little cookies that you get on air on flights they're they're like biscotti cookies oh good you send her free stuff that you don't want okay i send it i send her one of those in each letter because she loves those so she says to me dad i wrote you a letter uh but i don't know how to mail it right and i'm like what like she literally does not know where the stamp goes where the attorney address goes how about this where the mailbox is i had to go online and look up mailbox finder and put in her address and tell her that it was a block from her house. Well, I think we're all having trouble finding places to mail stuff.

I mean, that is happening. Just so people don't freak out on me, it is your internet that absolutely stinks. Oh, is it freezing? It froze a little during that story. Thank God, because I didn't want to hear all of it. But so if I'm stuttering, it's because you're ingesting this video Zoom. And it's your fault. Yeah, this hotel that I'm in has shit Wi-Fi.

This Wi-Fi bunker I'm in. Yeah, it has shit Wi-Fi. All right, one other small talk do I have in here. Have you ever heard of the concept of radical honesty? I remember a psychiatrist telling me about that one. It sounds a lot like how Gwyneth Paltrow divorced. What did they call their divorce? A conscious uncoupling? Well, we can't. Olivia was over at that house last night, so I have to watch what I say about that. But yes, conscious uncoupling. So anyway, the kids kids at a party over there. So, but no radical honesty is literally

just not being afraid. And if it's the end of a relationship or it's a friendship and you have something hard to say, but it's so funny as I sat there and I think you might be able to relate. I wanted to say to the guy, this isn't recent, but for some reason I read about radical honesty this week and I'm like, to me, like all honesty is radical. Not because I'm a liar. It's just, I just avoid, I'll avoid uncomfortable.

Like even in a restaurant, like how's your meal? It's like, this would for me be radical honesty. Like it, it's okay. Like that would be radical honesty. Instead.

I'm just like, fine, it's fine. It's doable. Like just, this is not a thing. Yeah. Not a thing. Just move on. I'm not going to trouble you with this. Yeah. Yeah. So radical honesty is what? Radical. I mean, we could look it up, but I think radical honesty is like, this is how this is making me feel right now. I feel like we

have an issue. Like it's just being incredibly honest. And do you think that's a good thing? Like it's just being incredibly honest. And do you think that's a good thing? The people who have coined this phrase do. They think radical honesty is incredibly productive and that the people hearing it will actually appreciate it. I probably have a lot of that wrong. I didn't look it up before this podcast. I did just remember that I had the funny thought that all honesty to me, even the slightest, is radical. I've never met anybody who avoids

conflict as much as you do while also stirring the pot. It's like, maybe that's my way to counterbalance it. I don't know. Yeah. Right. Well, usually the stirring the pot is a group. I wouldn't do a one-on-one probably. Yeah. Yeah. And then I had just a thought where, has it occurred to you, I'm starting to think that COVID might kill all humans. And we are in the golden age of thinking this is passing. And then we will look back three years from now and be like remember the like third wave like that wasn't that contagious remember that remember those days when we're like rich people are just on boats to islands and everyone else has given up well it's almost like uh i mean i can tell you i've been i've been talking about it on stage i'm like it's almost like, I mean, I can tell you, I've been talking about it on stage. I'm like, it's so great that COVID is over, isn't it?

Yeah, it's not. It's not over. We have decided it's over because we have fatigue and there's like, there's a new variant out. You know what it's called? No, neither do I. Nobody does because we're ignoring it. And if you die in 2022, we don't, we're not going to the funeral. You should have died in 2020 when

everybody else did we're fucking over it we've moved on meanwhile they're saying the fall could be brutal right yes i've been planning on that i was going to delay my fourth shot i guess the second booster yeah till like august but then i got the goddamn thing and and listen i remember coming on here and of course it made me feel good hearing how many other, like, in other words, it's flattering to me to think, you know, what finally brought you down big guy was the most contagious strain ever. It turns out I'm right. This, this is the most people I've ever known with it. Oh yeah. Yep.

And almost a hundred percent manageable, you know, and,, and mild. But but people that I know that got it, got it in the last two months. Yep. And it's I guess it has a very keen way of getting people, even though vaccinated, who haven't had the virus yet. I think that's one thing. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'll tell you. So I had it on Easter as listeners will know. And a month ago and I'm still congested. It's weird. I mean, I know there's these winds and everyone's talking about that, but I don't think I have more fog than usual. You know, it's a good barometer. Now, now I am an 80 year old-old person. But I'll do those timed New York Times mini crosswords that are timed. Or, you know, Wordle. We all compare our Wordle scores. I got two out of six today.

Oh my God, I was one letter away from two out of six, and I got three out of six. Look at us. There we are. If half the people didn't just turn this off, I don't respect them. Alright, anyway, everyone's going to die of COVID. That's my last little thought up top. Shout out on the logo this week,

Craig Gaudette, who does fine work for us on a regular basis. Pulled this one out of Hickorman. I don't like it. Because you're the woman? I mostly don't like it because you look exactly like Geraldo Rivera. Yes.

I mean, look at it I know it's it's a little clunky but that's what makes it funny well yeah I mean it's not even the clunkiness that did it I think it's your like strong like chin thing I don't well that mustache of course is the number one thing right but it is definitely Geraldo Rivera vibes and I don't well that mustache of course is the number one thing right but uh it is definitely heraldo rivera vibes and i don't even know what i look like you look a little bit like helen hunt well whatever i am no one can make fun of it because of how i'm identifying uh look at those collars on me though oh my god i had this I'm the woman for the listeners involved here in Anchorman, right? Anchorman. I'm the woman on the right.

This kind of beautiful thing happened last night on my show. On the late show, there's a couple, and they're with their daughter, and she looks like she's in her 20s. And they are of Indian descent. And I say, I go i go oh is this your daughter and then she says yes and he says no it's my child and i said oh isn't child mean daughter and he goes she he goes non-binary and and he said it and and she was shaking her head like no it's okay dad but he stood up and made he didn't stand up but i mean he stood up for her he made that point i was kind of beautiful because he had an indian accent it was he's like a recent immigrant to this

country and you think about that culture that this family comes from and how difficult it must have been for them to wrap their heads around this. And yet he very much, it was really kind of nice. And so I shit all over them. I was going to say, I hope so. The number one cause of non-binary children is overbearing dads. Hey, dad, good luck arranging that marriage yeah if i was if i was born into an indian family i'd switch to guy also

yes at least non-woman at least yeah half at most maybe sometimes i'm surprised half the country hasn't switched over. Exactly. Wait, this is an option? Don't I get an immediate raise? Do I go up one of the levels in that, can I be a Brahmin now? Yeah, I can imagine the dad did not have to take the stand in a comedy club, never mind a public place.

Yeah. No, it was very nice. No, no, honey. I got this. It's like, dad, dad, please, please. Yes. Dad, I only told you guys I'm non-binary, so you get off my fucking back. Yeah.

I'm not really non-binary. In the parking lot, she's desperately trying to claw off this bumper sticker. I'm a proud parent of a binary child. She's peeling the red dot off her forehead. Yeah, exactly. Oh, and on the street, honey, good news, you get to walk up with the humans who are male. You don't have to walk 20 feet behind like uh livestock yeah uh this week's song was brought to us by les conley fine work thank you he actually he or she

i don't really know it's i don't know what less is could be either maybe they identify as either well they will call Less is more. Thon sent us, as the Charlie Kaufman book identifies people as Thon. Thon sent us a couple songs, so we'll do another one next week. I'm going to download that on Audible for sure. Yes. Dave G. said. There they are.

We're in the correction section now. Dave G said, I've never been able to find anything to correct you and Mike about, but this week you said something that I'm sure other people will comment on. You said you flew over Bear Island, which has the largest population of, quote, black bears, but it actually has the largest population of brown grizzly bears, which I strangely know from watching a ton of nature shows. I got seven emails about this. This is apparently a pretty well-known island. What he left out was this is the first show he's ever listened to.

So he has a correction on his first show. He's never been able to correct us before because he never listened. Right. So get this. I looked up bears, right? I was wondering, because black bears are so common. It turns out they're the smartest bear in North America. And it's the most popular bear in Alaska, which I don't know if I would have known that. Anyway, so it says Alaska has these bears, right? It has black bears, which is Ursus

Americanus, which is the American bear. Then brown bears are Ursus arctos, and this is what I wanted to get to. Grizzly bears, which are technically a form of brown bear. So brown bear, Ursus arctos. Grizzly bears are Ursus arctos horribilus. Horribilis horribilis horribilis horribilis so even the latins like just it's like it's almost like a like a latin 14 year old name this like yeah no that's the horribilis one like yeah and i looked up horribilis it's obviously it's horrible horribilor, horribilismus

blah blah blah blah blah and related, horrendous horrendous but it's just like even they were like they weren't even that scientific anymore like no that one's badass that one's scary, we'll just call that scary what's scary in Latin, that's exactly what they did

right, shit in the pantses exactly yeah That one's scary. We'll just call that scary. What's scary, Aladdin? That's exactly what they did. Right. Shit in the pantses. Exactly. Yeah. I'll skip Seth. Seth was another guy that had a lot of information about bears. Sam, as a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan, I must put some respect in both of your mouths. You claimed you were big fans of the Bills, but then went on to a 10-minute tirade about how the New York teams are in the bottom 10 of the NFL. Correction. The New Jersey teams

are in the bottom 10. The only team in New York is a Super Bowl bound, is Super Bowl bound. You basically said Putin was Ukrainian. Shame. I agree with Sam. I told you in a sense, well, I was in public relations in New York, really hating my job. And I'd sit there at my desk, kind of like not working. And the Giants beat the Bills. And was it Norton? I'm trying to get the kicker who missed the field goal, I think, or extra point, probably field goal. Scott was his name, maybe.

He missed it to win the Super Bowl. And then that week, it was during the week, New York had a parade. Nobody showed up for the Giants parade. And Scott Norwood, that's it. And thank you, Chris. And Buffalo had a parade and the whole fucking city showed up for the losing team. And I wrote Scott Norwood a letter and I want to and I just let him know, like he did something impressive also. Like he did something like. Right. He's the guy that lost the game for the Giants. Totally lost the game.

Okay. I mean... And you wrote him a letter and you just said, I kind of relate to you? No, Greg, I didn't say that. I said... No, but I mentioned something he did, like he got upset,

and I just wanted to kind of say he had more heart. Anyway, he didn't write me back, so I hate that fucking guy, Scott Norwood, and I'm glad he missed. By the way, did you see the Rams Super Bowl victory parade in L.A. this year? No, I could barely watch them win the Super Bowl. There was like nine people in the street, and they were mostly collecting cans from trash cans. It was the most pathetic Super Bowl parade you've ever seen in your life.

In the most pathetic city, arguably on Earth, but okay. Do you hate L.A.? It's not a city. We've been over this a bazillion times, and I don't know what's going to happen first. We're going to realize there's no water here, and the giant general electric pumps are going to fucking stop working in the dam, pumps are going to fucking stop working in the dam or somehow just a longer drought. We won't be able to even steal water from the north or the earthquake. It's a race to what's going to remind this city.

We're just it's sand. It's a desert and we shouldn't be here. Yeah. Yeah. And it's that's why it's not even a city. It's a suburb looking for a city. You just keep looking for the center of it. Where is it? Where's downtown? That downtown it's like it's nine buildings three thousand small ugly

strip malls that's what this city is when you drive around right um lucia lucia ribeiro who writes us off i like the name says uh speaking of trace amounts a few weeks back you gave an example two milligrams of fentanyl if i read it right it's actually only two micrograms of fentanyl that can be the lethal amount that's just a few grains it's literally like if you look at the grains it's like five or six little tiny grains. No, it sounds like two milligrams could like take out Idaho. Yeah. Right. Right.

So don't fuck around. Hey, what do you do? What are you doing, man? How's your standup? Are you leading me into my days? Well, it's, it's really peaking. I know because this is what happened. I was like, speaking of just a few grains,

I'm sprinkling some comedy in Irvine on May. Like I was wondering what the transition was going to be. Speaking of people losing consciousness, I'll be in Irvine on May 27th through the 29th at the Improv. And then Bakersfield, California at The Well on June 11th. And then I think I'm in Fresno on June 10th now. I don't know the name of the place. The day before Bakersfield.

Well, that makes sense. Day before Bakersfield. Oh, and you might come up to Bakersfield. We have to look into that still. Yeah, their calendar. I did go on. I did remember that. An odd follow-up with me, a follow-through.

And their calendar, oddly, didn't go that far, but that was like a month ago. So yeah, let me look into it. I want to go up and hear that Bakersfield sound in Buck Owen's place. But when we get back from that trip, it'll be Sunday, which means of course that's the day. And I say day, meaning that's it, that I fertilize my lawn. It's so simple. I use Sunday's Lawn Care products. It's quick and easy. Don't have to go to a store. It comes to my door.

No brainer. And it's like I have dogs. My dogs can safely go and chew the grass. And I don't have to worry about them getting horrible chemicals because Sunday uses like seaweed, iron, molasses. I think chicken bones. No, no chicken bones. So anyway, if your lawn has weeds, bare patches, pet spots, they can solve all this for you.

It's just like a pouch. It comes in the mail. You stick it onto your hose and boom, you're done in 15 minutes once a week. Boom. My lawn is looking better than ever and i did it myself sunday makes it easy to diy your lawn with no guesswork no unwanted chemicals uh your lawn is your oasis so uh go to sunday.com put in your address and their lawn analysis tool does the rest they understand about your climate, about your soil. And so just get involved.

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uh, my view is I don't have to get her mother's day gifts anymore. Cause I'm like, look at how your lawn's doing. This is the gift that keeps on giving. You're welcome again. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

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All right. Should we get to the front page? You got any paper there? I don't do that anymore. Let me see if I can find some. Hold on a second. Let's take 23 minutes to look for. Hold on.

What's this? I got a plastic wrapped rain poncho. Oh, that's good. You ready? Yeah. Here we go. Sounds like it's raining. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra!

All right, let's go. That was it. We're in the paper. On Saturday, let's start a little heavy. An 18-year-old man toting a gun with the N-word inscribed on the barrel went to a top supermarket in buffalo and shot 13 people 10 of them fatally in a screed that authorities believe was posted online before the massacre shooter peyton gendron allegedly acknowledged that he had sought out the supermarket in order to kill black people quote i simply became racist after I learned the truth, which is that white race is dying out and we are doomed by low birth rates and high rates of immigration. I didn't know racism could happen that quickly.

Impressive. Very impressive, Peyton. broad thematic similarities between some of gendron's ideas and ones that are routinely voiced by fox news host tucker carlson the apple-cheeked bard of white resentment carlson has risen from the ash heap of political punditry by expertly stoking his viewers own fears of being culturally replaced by immigrants or other such no good nicks whose beliefs, backgrounds, and skin tones differ from their own. So maybe he put the N word on the gun because it was his misguided attempt to like cover like, Oh, Whoa, that's on my gun. Look, it has his name on it already. Were you kidding me? Right. Right. It's a dumb, just a dumb racist. I mean, where, where does Tucker Carlson's anger come from? Do you ever see the vitriol that comes out of this guy? This guy who has led the most privileged life known to man.

I mean, did a Mexican guy have sex with his wife? Did a black kid get his kid spotted Georgetown country day school? I mean, he looks, he looks like an aryan youth whose family has bred with the winklevoss twin and and somehow he's angry what the fuck is that all about oh no it's what it's the story of america right now and so this guy was driven i i it was the quote from the article was he was driven by the so-called great replacement theory, which falsely claims that white people are being demographically and culturally replaced by nonwhite immigrants and minority groups. Here's the problem I have with the great replacement theory. It is not happening fast enough. Honestly, replace us. White people, especially males, need to be replaced. We have fucking blown it. And that's like the kindest way I can say it.

And with the most denial. It's like, yes, replace us already. We had our shot and it did not go well over centuries. It went maybe as bad as it could go, actually. And implicit, yeah, implicit with this whole theory is that the white male that's being replaced, that that's a problem. You're exactly right. It's like, you know, can we challenge the the the tenet of this thing, which is that somehow we are meant to run things? We enslaved every stripe of human being. And then you would think, well, they probably treated white women well.

No, not at all. Like, not even close. Yeah. We blew it on every front. Yeah. all like not even close yeah we blew it on every front yeah well so then tucker is another story here where tucker and his wife suzy asked hunter bide for help getting their son ladies uh you can dm me after that little uh diatribe go ahead especially minority women no i got a wall i got women. No, I got them all. I even threw white women in the mix. So his son, Susie and Tucker's son, whose name is Bucky, is trying to get into Georgetown, which is Hunter Biden's alma mater.

So they asked Hunter Biden for help getting their son in um according to emails found on biden's controversial laptop susan asked biden if he could quote maybe meet ups to or speak to their son buckley and he could send you a brief resume with his interests and grades attached the fox news host added that their son buckley was skilled in squash and a good fly fisherman replacement theory please fast hurry hurry hurry uh in response biden agreed to a draft to draft a letter addressed to the university's president adding i will do anything you would like me to do um and then tucker said I can't thank you enough for writing the letter to Georgetown on Bucky's behalf. So nice of you. I know it'll help.

Hope you're great. We can all get dinner soon. And he then went on to fucking shit all over Hunter nonstop. And he said, quote, when your dad is president, you get superpower, as Carlson said last year. Maybe Hunter Biden will invent a new vaccine next year we will be required to take. Who knows? You never know. The sky's the limit when your dad is in power. So he literally goes from from flexing his power to get his son into college from a guy he criticizes for using his father. Yes, exactly. Also, do you have to specify that bucky is good at squash and fly fishing all buckies are good at squash and fly fishing yeah yeah yeah how insulting obviously we know that yeah there's a lot of squash rackets with bucky uh monogrammed into the side of the

racket yeah exactly yeah and by the way not a word about uh kushner walking away with a hundred million dollar deal from the saudis that's fine that's fine replace replace us please replace us former child actor from jaws named police chief on martha's vineyard jonathan searle who had a minor role in the 1975 blockbuster Jaws as one of the Amity pranksters who placed a fake shark fin in the panicked waters. Remember those kids? Yeah, of course. Has been named a police chief on the island. Searle appeared along with his brother in the Steven Spielberg film, which was set on the fictional town on Long Island, but it was

filmed on the Vineyard. Searle has been on the force in the vineyard since 86. Long time and soon after the film, actually. In 2008, Searle charged a man with disorderly conduct for incredibly, almost exactly what he'd done in the movie, lying and telling beachgoers he'd seen a pair of great whites off the island. I've seen a couple of great whites off the island i've seen a couple of great whites on that island there's a bikini on them oh those i got you i got you yeah um in related news elliot from et is now a cop who chases down kids on bikes yeah with aliens in their baskets yeah okay you'd also find him running around the woods at night with his flashlight looking for kids and aliens. And Harrison Ford is actually crashing planes. It is.

It's life. Life imitating art. Oh, Spielberg, you're so present. Elon Musk makes a penis joke right after alleged sexual misconduct accusation. The tech mogul was accused of exposing himself to a flight attendant aboard one of his private planes in 2016. And SpaceX later paid the woman. All right. So it was a SpaceX flight and they paid her 250 grand to settle her sexual misconduct claim. sexual misconduct claim.

Elon tweeted. So at one point, I guess, Elon Musk tweeted out, if I ever get in a scandal, please call it Elongate, which together spells Elongate. So now, right after this accusation, Musk tweeted, finally, we get to use Elong elongate as a scandal name it's kind of perfect meaning she got him hard yeah no i love this so so now he's a comedian he's a he's done it all now he's a comedian good evening folks what has two hands two eyes and 250 000 in her pocket my flight attendant vict, thank you very much. I had to pay out $250,000 to show my cock to a girl. Just to be a good guy, I threw in a tip.

Thank you. After the show, I'll be selling shares in Tesla. Stop by. Get a picture taken. In a weird way, I'm surprised he's still accountable to the law. he's the closest we have to like Dr. Evil. Isn't he heading that way? Yeah. He is. You know, that's what he's doing. But I did think about, all right, it's SpaceX. Now, if they were in space, technically, let's say that we're going up there and somehow he's not he's not scared enough not to sexually harass the flight attendant on a rocket.

Isn't that our earthly laws in play in space? Kind of a genuine question. And which is that like how you can have river boat gambling where the boat is just offshore so you can gamble or the boat sails out? What is it? Two miles to international waters. Yeah, right. But like, can you grab ass on the International Space Station? And then what country's laws apply? I guess it's what country you're a citizen of. But what if you grab a Russian woman's ass in space? Right.

These are all obviously stupid questions, but I wonder, I wonder technically how they'd go down. I think you have to watch old Star Trek episodes and just follow those laws. Well, that means you grab every ass that's in the universe, including the green chicks. Yeah. Yeah. But also in space, if I may, for the people's stoned listeners, isn't the concept of relativity heightened?

So like, did you just grab her ass right now? Oh, now? What's that? If there's some quark matter involved, that ass grab you just saw technically could be next week. You know, the whole space-time geometry thing. I rest my case, your honor.

Do you mean the vibrating molecules in this hand made contact with the vibrating molecules in an ass that may have been vibrating at a different frequency because we're in space so it didn't actually make contact it passed through also why would i grab the ass of a 1700 year old woman look at her she's disgusting um so speaking of nice asses the conservative bishop of san francisco said friday that he will no longer allow u.s house speaker nancy pelosi to receive communion because of her support for abortion rights archbishop salvatore cordelione salvatore cordelione he sounds like a fine archbishop that'll put a hit out on you uh sent a letter on April 7th and told her that she must either repudiate her support

of abortion rights or stop speaking publicly about her catholic faith if she didn't he would have no choice but to declare that she is not allowed to receive communion um you're not allowed to receive the wafers that have been blessed by men who have sex with your sons you don't get that privilege also the he gave her a choice she could also stop speaking publicly about her catholic faith then it's okay yeah here you go here you go and now you're cool just just just be a just keep it low. Almost lie about it. Almost lie about your faith. Yeah.

Let's stop pretending that the Catholics are not getting abortion. Half the teenage girls going to church on Sunday morning had unprotected sex the night before. Those communion wafers should have plan B in them. Here you go. This body of Christ is going to eject the little body in your body right now also when you cross yourself make sure you hit yourself in the stomach on the bottom half of the cross imagine if an alien or any rational truly rational being was like so wait her punishment is that she can't eat a make believe a piece of food that's the make believe body of a guy from thousands of years ago like it's

insanity yeah yeah total insanity yeah i know least admit it. Even if you're religious, stick to your tenants, all the good you do, the charitable stuff. I get all that. But also make room, please, for the eating. I know it's symbolic, but it's crazy. And then to weaponize it. It's cannibalism. Yeah, it's unbelievable. All right.

Oh, wait, we haven't been doing. Here we go. All right. New paper, new section. Let's doibalism. Yeah, it's unbelievable. All right. Oh, wait, we haven't been doing. Here we go. All right. New paper, new section. Let's do some entertainment. All right. I'm not going to spoil Ozark. Don't spoil it because I'm about four episodes in right now.

To the final season. Of Ozark, yeah. Yeah. Sophie and I watched the last three episodes last night. And I don't know. Then I guess I can't say anything. Don't say anything. I wasn't going to say anything.

I'll be done by next week. So we can talk about it on the next Sunday Papers. I'm not a fan of the end that's all i'll say okay yeah um george carlin doc i believe comes out today uh yesterday well friday came out friday and already multiple texts telling me how good it is well Well, I was supposed to go see it. I was supposed to go to the premiere and I drove, I was halfway to the premiere. We're in Judd Apatow's basement.

Yes. Where was this premiere? It was, it was in Hollywood. It was at, I don't know, some theater in Hollywood. So I'm driving there and I'm looking at the, looking up the name of thewood so i'm driving there and i'm looking at the the the um looking up the name of the hotel so i can go there and i notice on the invitation as i'm halfway to hollywood in fucking six o'clock traffic on a wednesday that uh i need to show proof of a covid

test that i took today and so i fucking turn around and i went home and i text the lady i go you can release my my ticket because i can't come because i don't have a covid test from today and now i'm all the way back in venice and she goes no no no we have testing here well then put that on the fucking invitation but then like also dennis gubbins took your spot yeah he took your test and your spot yeah so even though you're white um so i missed so i saw all right so last night uh sophie my daughter and i went to see uh everything everywhere all at once oh okay i saw that you did see it i did see it all right i i am starting to believe on some listeners that i'm dead inside yeah because here's my review uh first of all everybody involved with the movie a lot less cocaine next time

and instead of everything everywhere all at once if i'm generous i'm going to call it something somewhere sometimes and what i really want to say is nothing nowhere never wow that's my review i felt believe it or not i fell asleep for five minutes during the movie which you know possible is really hard to do with that movie yeah but it felt like it felt like uh like all right if i'm going to be accurate not high schoolers but it felt like college film students were given the keys to everything to make a film well if people don't know about this film i i was in hollywood i don't even know how to describe it a couple weeks ago and i didn't want to come home because i had to be back in town for dinner that night. So I had like three hours to kill.

So I looked on Fandango. What's the closest theater? What's the next movie? And I just went. It's also incredibly high rated. And it happened to be this movie. And so I knew nothing about it going in, which you kind of should know going in that prepare yourself to just go for the ride, which obviously you did not because you're dead inside and yeah.

And you're angry. And so now I am. So I, I, it took me a half an hour to wrap my head around the fact that this was, like you said, it was experimental and it was out there. You told me that if you didn't tell me that the first 20 minutes you were angry, I might have told Sophie, I'm going to go see what's playing, you know, through that wall in the next theater. Because I came around by the end of the movie. I actually was enjoying it. about right and it's that's a cool message just without giving anything away just really goofy and very over the top it felt again like maybe in after schools you know what it felt like and i've never seen these movies it felt like those uh remember when there were like kids who were detectives like something pi it felt like a disney it felt disneyish yeah movie well yeah it has that it

had that asian kind of innocence about it um i don't i don't know what that is i just think of like the korean movies that i've seen recently and there's something about them that are very innocent um that people have an ultimate uh that there's a goodness to them. And by giving the world COVID. Yeah, right. Stick Asian people. But don't you want experiments? Are you, do you want to see the same fucking movies over and over again that Hollywood keeps shoving down our throats? This was like a, this is like a Fellini movie. It was crazy. It was not like a Fellini movie a Fellini movie it was crazy it was not like a Fellini movie

Fellini movies are high art this was goofy uh no there have been this is the funny thing I've also there have been so many good high quality Asian movies I think it just shows how like the misguided crazy rich Asians and that gets all this credit it's like that's the worst piece of shit asian movie terrible like please save it for art and there's tons of it coming like you know drive my car all these movies are worth their salt yeah all right oh and well even if they're not your thing it's not some bombastic piece of shit and uh this is not a bombastic piece of shit crazy rich asians was this movie was just like you know i didn't hate it uh because i i got a solid five minutes sleep but it was i don't know how high rate i only i usually reserve my hatred for popular things how popular is this movie like right now i'm gonna go on rotten tomatoes it's

gonna win all the oscars i'll tell you that right now not yeah it wins all the forget it i'm done um what did sophie think of it she liked it but she was with me we were like a little like uh you know okay oh no i wouldn't have i would i would have been a good sport if that was the uh if if she like really liked it i would have kind of like last night we cooked uh we cooked stir fry and where she's right out there and i have to like be uh enthusiastic about her um gluten-free tamari sauce compared to soy sauce and it's awful but i'm a supportive dad who's like yummy yummy this fucking ersat soy sauce um all right here we go i'm gonna go on a rotten tomatoes what do you think

you've seen the movie i would say that audience reaction it's 90 critics is 95 that's my guess what is your guess 90 audience 95 critics jesus fucking okay i hate it more than ever it's 96 percent critics of course the audience scores lower because there's a few honest people in there who aren't racist and you know padded because it's asian or predominantly asian so what's the number 96 90 is that what did i just say uh you didn't i said 95 90 no you did not yes i just said 95 critics 90 audience all right have we done this like sometimes it's fun to look on imdb so crazy rich asians is 91 and then 76 because 91 includes everyone who's terrified to criticize an all-asian movie as the piece you sound like bill maher right that it is oh all right sorry you mean a smart you know incisive guy with a critical skill. But here's the best. You ready?

Lilly Singh. I can't go into my personal relationship with the show, but you ready for this? This is one of my favorites. A Little Late with Lilly Singh. It was a late night show show from Lily Singh, who I think is maybe non-binary and a non-funny. I'll tell you that. Oh boy. Non-white, non-binary. I don't have any details. So I can just get that specific about you. Ready? This is fantastic. Keep in mind how many people go here to rate it. There's a lot of positive people. You know what I mean? Her fans and all that. Critic, the critics on Rotten Tomatoes for a little late with Lilly Singh, 82%.

Average audience score, 15%. Yeah, right. 82 to 15. Yeah, exactly. Chicken shit, fucking racist, sexist sexist i know just look at what's well whatever i don't want to get started let's talk about too late anti-vaxxer eric clapton announced he has covid oh you know what happened i'm sorry i took oh i took my racist uh uh adderall oh i mixed up my bottles so now i'm completely wired uh with uh racist views yeah

i'll take the other one um he has he has covet he canceled two shows of his tour uh last summer the q infected musician whose old friends no longer speak infected said via inst instant via telegram that he wouldn't perform at a venue that required vaccine status this guy's biggest hit song told everybody to put cocaine into their bodies it literally glorified the use of an addictive drug and how many people took cocaine because of fucking Eric Clapton I guarantee millions well you probably were more troubled by this than I but I remember when he successfully finally kicked his substance abuse and he was in programs and all that. He was then the face, not only his music, but he also appeared in the ad playing his guitar to a Michelobat. Really?

Which seemed very misguided to me. Yeah. I'm going to say early 90s, I think. I'll probably get corrected on that. And then he did some commercials for Apple. And I remember there were jokes about it that people said, why is he advertising Apple? He had a bad experience with Windows. Jesus. All right. Well, we don't have to hit him on that. I know. I know. And the other big Clapton joke I remember people saying was, what do Eric Clapton and coffee have in common they both suck without cream uh okay I worked in FL here's a quick story back when Clapton was still considered God and we

didn't know this much about him and uh because he was already I guess he had gone on some racist tirades or something like that but he certainly this is you know in the 90s is before vaccine issues so anyway i'm in f.l schwartz and i had a temp a part-time job there one christmas and did oh yeah yeah yeah i think i just say my christmas card is i borrowed i borrowed the marching the wooden soldiers or the nutcracker i borrowed the nutcrackers outfit and i made a funny christmas card i was my department i was mostly put in. That's where I really learned how to wrap gifts pretty well because there were beasts in the wrapping department

and they were mesmerizing to watch. But I was put in the, this will date me for sure. I was put in the Ninja ninja turtle watches section oh and i developed a funny spiel calling them renaissance time pieces because of you know donatello and all that shit so anyway don whatever so wow sounds like a good bit it was fantastic yeah i fucking pushed those watches it was amazing people brought their kids to watch me so this dad's walking through and eric clapped oh i know so eric clapton's there so i'm like i need a break because i'm gonna go follow him around so i'm fine walking like 15 steps behind eric clapton

and the father and son are walking towards us and the father freaks out and is like you see his eyes go wide and then they walk by and he leans down he's like son one day this will mean something to you you just walked by this amazing musician eric clapton and the son goes i heard michael jackson was in here yesterday which was true michael jackson had the whole store shut down oh no shit so he could buy gifts for his victims and so the dad it was very funny the dad grabs both arms and his son and he goes one day you will realize how much better that man we just walked by is than michael jackson like it was it was the funniest father-son moment and it had nothing to do with likeael jackson like it was it was the funniest father's moment and it had

nothing to do with like the pedophilia it was basically like rock versus disco you know what i mean yeah um all right let's do some florida man florida man all right it's a little long i should have you gonna crinkle something there oh sorry yeah here we go all right florida man this is the headline this is why i grabbed it florida man cooked alive after deputy's taser sparks explosion at gas station that kind of sums it all up you almost don't need to read the story like got it got it. Got it. You know what? I won't because I'm starting to lose my voice.

But basically, the deputy, they chased this guy who was on motorcycle, flipping people off, right? Like, running every red light, going in the opposite lane, a real far to douchebag. Hopping wheelies. And then he pulls into a gas station. That's where they catch him. They tackle him there while he was filling his bike. Gas spills everywhere. And I guess another guy, anyway, a taser was out and the officer knowingly, wait, let me find that part. I'm trying to remember what he said to him. He picked up a taser that was discarded after another officer deployed it near the flammable gasoline.

Then he said, kill the pump. There's gas. And then he grabbed a taser and he goes,'re about to get tased again dude and knowing that all the gas was everywhere and then he did it and then one line in the article which i loved was while being cooked alive mr barretto sustained third degree burns while being cooked alive is a literal quote in the story i mean florida even that's a fucking gangster move man did he like did he see he had gas on him and tase him and then turn around and walk in slow motion towards the camera right right exactly just my job's done here but also so you have to be you basically explode also the guy the poor guy is

still in the hospital 10 weeks later by the way i think so is the deputy i think the deputy got lit on fire also now the deputy also suffered burns and other deputies were injured yeah i don't know if he got it as bad as this guy did, but... Crazy. Yeah, that's fucking great. Love it, Florida. Keep it up. Keep it up. Let's do some international news. Oh, yeah, I got a section right here.

Vladimir Putin has undergone a successful surgical procedure to remove fluid from his abdomen according to a russian opposition source didn't rod stewart have that surgery in the 80s yeah it was pretty popular back then this might be different maybe not does putin also have a gerbil up his ass? Those two stories, I mean, pre-internet. There was no way to talk to a kid in the next town at all. Zero. And yet everyone knew those stories. Yep. Yep.

And it was, I remember it was 18 milligrams of semen. That was what made it sell, is that there was a specific amount of semen that was found in his belly. Hold on. Hold everything. I just looked down and my thing, we can let people hear this. They'll hear how fucked up it says card full

and it turned off. Oh boy. So let me go into a folder. God damn it. I have to erase one, right? So here we go. Hmm. I don't know how to do this.

I think... Do you know how to go in and erase a file? I think you have to put the SD card into your laptop and delete it from that. I don't know if you can do it from you know we can do we can just use the audio from the zoom call for this week's uh okay well while you're doing that i'm actually pretty good at that part so i have my adapter here i'll put it all right so you go ahead about putin okay so that's it it was just a quick joke oh god damn you now here it is here it is boom so good you ready yeah i'm gonna race you

you're gone oh god hold on a lot of craziness there i'm gonna raise two that'll free up space wow this audio takes up a lot of room i'm sure listeners are thrilled that's a lot of files on an audio card to fill it up i know and it's a big audio card i'm gonna raise three just to be safe okay here look at me erasing all this gold shouldn't i be sending it to the podcast Hall of Fame? All right, here we go. Here we go. We're going to be back up. I don't know when it turned off. That was weird. I normally don't even look down there. All right. And we are almost back, sir. What else is going on? You want to read something?

You've got this audio from Zoom will be lower quality, but just go with it. That's what Chris Denman said. Oh, now it's saying it's still saying cards full. All right. We'll just use the audio from the Zoom call. It'll be fine. No, I'm going to take 46 minutes to problem solve this.

Hold on. I turned it off. I'm turning it on again this is the last try otherwise i'll just keep says card full i don't know what it is yeah all right whatever cards are tricky uh let's go to your let's go to your uh sports story Oh, no, and I don't have good quality audio. Anyway, I saw this week. Yeah, I don't really. I'm not that into sports, right?

But I saw this week that Roger Angel died. He's the elegant and thoughtful baseball writer who was widely considered among the best America has produced. He died in his home in Manhattan, which I thought was cool. baseball writer who was widely considered among the best America has produced. He died in his home in Manhattan, which I thought was cool. He was still in Manhattan, still went to about 40 games a year, baseball games. And I put in some quotes he had, which were fantastic. He was 101. You forgot to mention. Yeah. 101 years old.

So he was, he was the last guy out of the stadium at the end of the game. Oh, the Boston Red Sox catcher called Fisk came out of his crotch. Mr. Angel wrote like, quote, an aluminum extension ladder stretching for the house eaves. The Baltimore Oriole relief pitcher Dick Hall pitched, quote, with an awkward sideways motion that suggests a man feeling under his bed for a lost collar stud. Mr. Angel described Willie Mays chasing down a ball hit to deep center field as quote, running so hard and so far that the ball itself seems to stop in the air and wait for him. Wow. I like that.

Also funny. He goes, he once referred to Ron Darling as quote, the best right-handed part Chinese Yale history major among the Mets starters. And the tone of his baseball writing, he once said was inspired by a John Updike article written in 1960 about Ted Williams' final game at Fenway Park in Boston. Quote, my own baseball writing was still two years away when I read Hub fans bid a kid, sorry, Hub fans bid kid adieu, Mr. Angel wrote. And though it took me a while to become aware of it, John Updike had already supplied my tone while also seeming to invite me to try for a good sentence now and then down the line. So listen, if you'll humor me, this is three minutes, but this

is what I'll tell you. And because sometimes we have these writers and writer wannabes listening. And I'll just say this. I wasn't, I'm not into baseball, as you know, and I'm certainly not into the Red Sox. And I was working at HBO and I went over to the New York Public Library to kill time one lunch hour. And there was an exhibit on baseball and Roger Angel. That's why I recognize his name and his writing. But it also had this framed New Yorker with this Updike article. And I got emotional in the New York Public Library reading about a subject I really don't care about. But it was just like one of those where I'm like, I can't believe how great this guy is with words.

It was like truly beautiful. And you and I both know Updike, but I had never been exposed to this. And so he was writing about Updike as a kid, went to Ted Williams' last game at Fenway. And it was this gloomy day with fog. It was almost like, gloomy day with fog it was almost like so the last the last thing i'll say before i read it is if you see the natural and that home run in the natural it is essentially based on it is i think literally based on ted williams last at bat and if you think the uh natural that scene where he hits hobbs or whatever hits that home run is over the top it is not it doesn't even compare to the real world last at bat of ted williams it is so over the top it's crazy so anyway i'll just read it to you and in the spirit of this is like fucking punk rock, how moving and strong this writing is. The afternoon grew so glowering that in the sixth inning, the arc lights were turned on,

always a one site in the daytime, like the burning headlights of a funeral procession. Aided by the gloom, Fisher was slicing through the Sox rookies, and Williams did not come to bat in the seventh. He was second up in the eighth. This was almost certainly his last time to come to the plate in Fenway Park, and instead of merely cheering, as we had at his previous appearances, we stood, all of us, stood and applauded. Have you ever heard applause in a ballpark? Just applause, no calling, no whistling, just an ocean of hand claps, minute after minute, burst after burst, crowding and running together in contentious succession, like the pushes of surf at the edge of the sand. It seemed to renew

itself out of a shifting set of memories as the kid, the Marine, the veteran of feuds and failures and injuries, the friend of children, and the enduring old pro evolved down the bright tunnel of 21 summers toward this moment. At last, the umpire signaled for Fisher to pitch. With the other players, he had been frozen in position. Only Williams had moved during the ovation, switching his hat impatiently, ignoring everything except his cherished task. Fisher wound up and the applause sank into a hush. Understand that we were a crowd of rational people. We knew that a home run cannot be produced at will. The right pitch must be perfectly met and luck must ride the ball. We've seen brave effort fail. The air was soggy. The season was exhausted.

Nevertheless, there will always lurk around a corner in a pocket of our knowledge of the odds and indefensible hope. And this was one of the times which you now and then find in sports when a density of expectation hangs in the air and plucks an event out of the future. Fisher, after his unsettling weight, was wide with the first pitch. He put the second one over and Williams swung mightily and missed. The crowd grunted, seeing that classic swing, so long and smooth and quick, exposed, naked in its failure. Fisher threw the third time. Williams swung again, and there it was. The ball climbed on a diagonal line into the vast volume of air over center field.

line into the vast volume of air over center field. From my angle behind third base, the ball seemed less an object in flight than the tip of a towering motionless construct like the Eiffel Tower or the Tappan Zee Bridge. It was in the books while it was still in the sky. Like a feather caught in a vortex, Williams ran around the square of bases at the center of our beseeching screaming. He ran as he always ran out home runs, hurriedly, unsmiling, head down, as if our praise were a storm of rain to get out of. He did not tip his cap. Though we thumped, wept, and chanted, we want Ted, for minutes after he hit in the dugout, he did not come back. Our noise for some seconds passed beyond excitement into a kind of immense open anguish, a wailing, a cry to be saved. But immortality is non-transferable the papers said that the other players and even the umpires on the field begged him to come out and acknowledge and acknowledge us in some way but he never had

and he did not now gods do not answer letters so that was it that's amazing it's fucking john up dyke was i mean you talk about trying to occasionally write a perfect sentence that's amazing it's fucking john updyk was i mean you talk about trying to occasionally write a perfect sentence that's just a that is just a collection of beautiful eloquent evocative sentences all packed together that sentence about basically inevitability sometimes there's a that plucks a moment out of the future yeah what a line fucking crazy yeah that's and i'm not a ted williams guy i'm not a baseball guy but he summed up magical moments not only in sports but in life where it's like it has to happen yeah yeah and that ted williams didn't come out he didn't come out i remember when i

when i was a writer on the man show we did a sketch that they cast me in and i played i played ted williams but i was frozen ted williams they brought me out on a uh on a push cart and i was in a block of ice and you could just see my face and all i did was on joe rogan and stanhope and listen we'll get letters because it's to ted williams story to at least two tours of duty as a marine in his prime no and they said when he they said when he tested to become a fighter pilot he broke every record that had ever been set by a navy guy in in uh with marine yeah marine with the controls wow yeah no like crazy legend and that swing like you and i talk about i don't watch golf but it's like a beautiful swing is a beautiful swing and you see it a mile away like if there's some

guy in the next fairway and that ted williams. Good Lord. It was so beautiful. Right. Reggie Jackson had one. Yeah. Not as beautiful, not the splendid splinter. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks for indulging me, but I remember being a kid. And so this is another piece of advice. I got rocked. And if you're rocked by something and you're in your twenties or you're a teenager, maybe you're listening to this now. It doesn't matter what it is. You could be rocked literally by a pair of pants that are so stylish. I would listen to that. I would listen to that calling that there's probably some way to make a living in that area that rocked you. And so I wish I had listened to more, you know, I wish I had all of a sudden gotten like more confidence that I should go into writing and I should immediately start writing dick jokes and follow.

And someday I'll create a show where a cocky young surfer will come out and make fun of things on the internet. See, thank you, John. I'll take. fun of things on the internet. See, thank you, John Updike. I remember reading short stories by John Updike when I was in high school, and he is definitely one of the reasons why I became an English major. He was just incredible. All the rabbit books, did you read any of the rabbit books? Run, what is it yeah yeah i mean just amazing all right let's get to this day in history give me a crinkle oh yeah sure here it is uh 1958 may 22nd jerry lee lew Lewis drops a bombshell in London.

The arrival in the UK of one of the biggest figures in rock and roll was looked forward to with great anticipation. Nowhere in the world were the teenage fans of the raucous music coming out of America more enthusiastic than they were in England. And the coming tour of the great Jerry Lee Lewis promised to be a rousing success. Whole lot of shaking going on. Great balls of fire. They were massive. Let's see. He had 27 dates booked.

There was one problem. Unbeknownst to the British public and the organizers of the coming tour, Jerry Lee Lewis would be traveling to England as a newly married man. Aw. With his pretty young wife in tow. Of course.

How young that wife really was would be revealed on this day in 1958 when jerry lee the killer lewis arrived at heathrow with his new child bride oh well that's a new term in this romantic story child and bride together it was an inquisitive reporter for the daily mail named paul tanfeld who unwittingly broke the scandal when he inquired as to the identity of an especially young woman he'd spotted. And she said, I'm Myra, Jerry's wife. And then he said, how old is Myra? And I fly for a discounted rate because I'm a child. It was at this point that Jerry Lee.

How old is Myra? It was at this point Jerry Lee must have caught into the myra it was at this point jerry leland must have caught into the fact that the rest of the world might take a somewhat skeptical view of his third marriage because the answer he gave was a lie 15 myra gale was actually only 13 years oh my god if you're gonna lie at least 16. Go 16. I don't even know. That feels obviously wrong. There were other details, such as the fact that she was Jerry Lee's first cousin.

Then it's okay. And that the pair had married five months before his divorce from his second wife was made official. from his second wife was made official he uh so uh yeah so this this basically began his fall over the coming week the killer tried to go on with business as usual but his first three shows drew meager audiences and those who did buy tickets showered him with booze and cat calls when the ranked chain of theaters canceled the rest of his dates and his fashionable Mayfair hotel encouraged him to seek lodgings elsewhere, Jerry Lee left the UK less than a week after his dramatic arrival. Back home, he would face a blacklisting from which his career would never fully recover. Man.

That's rock and roll, baby. 13. I mean, 13. That's, and he was what, like 40 at the time? I don't know. And I wonder if that was his last wife. I'm not sure. No, no. He had like six wives, I think. Well, she probably became a disgusting pig at 19 that he was not attracted to in any way. Oh, look at you this old 15 year old i mean i can't jesus christ she's gross she hit puberty she has hair on her vagina yeah sorry i'm not into cougars get out of here you fucking 17 year old jesus that's chris you want to look up how old he was and you know stuff like that why am i still talking into a mic yeah why am i talking in the mic i don't need to be in a mic either

we're not using it why what do you mean you're not going to use yours no no no you can't you can't just use one you have to use both or else just the zoom from the uh this is why i would continue to use yours because uh your your shitty connection you they may need backup all right i'll do it just in case and i'm going to send mine and then that's why i was very open about when it went dead because the the listeners will notice the shift poor key poor key there's a picture of me as frozen ted williams we'll put that up on the show oh wow um and then uh all right so let's do an obituary where's the letters to the editor we don't have any letters to the editor today you tell me captain I know. I put them in another document. Hold on. Oh, no.

Well, we kind of got letters in a way. Boy, I hope my audio is okay here because of your connection. All right. Let's go down to letters. There was some other corrections I forgot to get to because they were in this other document the reason why the media always uses three names with a killer is to avoid confusion with other people who would have the same first name and last name in order to avoid that collateral damage confusion on i think we did that one okay we did that one okay it's boston Jerry, by the way, Jerry Lee Lewis. Right. Criminal, criminally young wife. It's Boston common. No S at the end. Not Boston commons. Okay.

I read in that, in that Martha's vineyard story where it became, he's actually a police chief in Oak bluffs, but even the article I read had it as Oaks bluff. Yeah. Hey Greg in Korea, it as Oaks Bluff. Yeah. Hey, Greg, in Korea, it wasn't the frozen dozen. It was the frozen chosen Marines from the winter battle at the chosen reservoir in which the Marines and their allies were surrounded by the Chinese. That was the that was the fight that Mary Fitzgerald's father was in in Korea. Oh, OK.

Yeah. Yeah. OK. mary fitzgerald's father was in in korea oh okay yeah yeah okay and then for letters a guy named scott fluker said uh hey fitz dog i know a football team that's perfectly suited to your current wardrobe this is a really fierce competition in australia between two states where rugby league is number one new south wales blues versus queensland maroons laugh on all right yeah maroon remember there was like a bugs bunny where that i guess a maroon is like a buffoon yeah i don't know yeah uh so long screwy see you in saint louis i remember he said that once oh really yeah um mike you seem obsessed over the literal the

literal meaning of asap and saying that it is not as urgent as most people interpret it to be however the way i see it if you are given an order to do something as soon as possible you should do it right now unless it's impossible right love the show bob then say i'll do it now there you go yeah there's a lot of conditions on as soon as possible to find whatever what i'm falling asleep oh wow i took the wrong adderall or maybe all that racist stuff is just exhausting and because i mean it and last week's episode gibbons told a joke about scoring some tickets to see the judd that wasn't my joke wasn't my joke but go ahead i did and it reminded me of an interview i heard on npr years ago robert siegel the former editor of the onion

was being interviewed by terry gross she asked if there were any articles that the onion found too controversial to public publish and there was just one shortly after 9-11 they had an article with the headline america stronger than ever say quadragon officials i remember reading that though at the time so i'm confused uh yeah i i mean i mean obviously this guy knows what he's doing he's writing a letter to us and so and there was it was said in that interview maybe they delayed maybe they delayed it a month you know what i mean yeah well chris dillman why don't you follow up with us and tell us if that's real um all right now let's get to obituaries. And that's all, folks. Oh. Rosemary Trapp.

Does that name sound familiar? Who's all I know? There's a famous Trapp family. The Von Trapps was made famous in the musical and beloved movie, The Sound of Music. She has died. Let me guess where. I don't have it in front of me. OK. But I do know in going up and

seeing jack and all those guys at university of vermont the von traps a lot of them settled in sugarbush or stowe vermont morrisville vermont the trap family lodge announced her brother johannes is president of the stowe resorts bingo so why wouldn't they go to the west where they have alp like snow instead of the most frozen like hard ice of vermont but rosemary was the first daughter of austrian naval captain george von trapp and maria von trapp uh blah blah blah they family escaped from nazi Nazi occupied Austria in 1938 and performed singing tours throughout Europe and America they settled in Vermont in the early 1940s and opened a ski lodge in Stowe they fucking opened Stowe yep that's amazing yep yep yep totally wow and it had

all the touches like you know from Austria and all that stuff. Wow. Yeah. Cool. And then it was cool. Like there was like dinner theater where Nazis would run in and shoot at people. The Sound of Music was based loosely on a 1949 book by Maria von Trapp. So they had seven children. I am 13 going on 15. I can't tour with Jerry Lee. Right. So let's go to the funnies. Give me a crinkle. Here's your crinkle right here. Oh, wait. Sorry. I have to do this. Mike. Now. That was a racket. All right.

So I look, you know, I look at here. Here's a look at how the sausage is made. When I do the comics every week, I look at there's a site called Arc Max and they show the last week of cartoons of each of each comic strip. They give you a week to look at. I looked at Blondie and every fucking strip had only dagwood in it it was dagwood at work it was dagwood at the diner it was dagwood carpooling there wasn't a fucking blondie comic in the week are you fucking kidding me maybe she couldn't find

an expensive outfit that's all she wears poor Dagwood has to work his ass off. So that's why he's in the strips. Or he, or she finally fucking grew a pair and left them. Maybe she, maybe she's got a condo on the outside of whatever town they live in. Good riddance. He'd be better without her. Yeah, right. How dare you?

So anyway, we're going to settle on a few lockhorns. Lockhorns were on fire this week. And, you know, I'm supposed to talk to Bunny, who writes the strip. She agreed to come on, but I have to follow up and people keep asking me when she's going to be on. Yeah, including me all right here's the first one uh they're at uh d pullman marriage counselor and they're sitting at his desk and leroy is explaining underneath it all loretta and i both want the same thing to control my life very good on the next one leroy's walking out the door with a tackle box and a rod and loretta's talking to her friend and she goes teach a man to fish and he'll think he's self-taught that's nice nice sure and now they're at a class they're at a cocktail party and leroy's talking to some gentlemen loretta's talking to her friend and she says they're listening to a blockhead trying to explain blockchain way ahead of its time from 2005 incredible right right actually it's from

it's from may of 2019 yeah i don't think blockchain was thrown around that much then all right yeah uh all right mike you got uh yeah for us i got uh my big book of charles adams tons of marriage kind of like the lockhorns he was doing the lockhorns before the lock runs but i like this one and again so far side uh but this one was two explorers in a cave and they're looking at the cave drawing and one of them's holding a flashlight and the other one reaches up and touches the cave drawing and says yup still wet and then in the background you see this like crow magnon guy peering in about to come into where they found this fresh cave painting um so i love those it like that one reminds me of like the far side where because he also did a lot of campsites with like you know african explorers and all that stuff old school explorers

and uh the far side one was uh it's a totally torn up destroyed campsite and they're piecing together like his journal and they have the torn pages and it was like um it was something like the primates the apes exhibit like uh exhibit what we think is a good sense of humor tomorrow we'll try the buzzer handshake on them so funny and dark all right well listen, we pulled it off. It's Sunday for you guys. Enjoy your Sunday. Maybe we pulled it off with my audio.

I apologize to everybody. Well, you know, you got to, I have apparently 175 hours left on my card. What? I didn't know you could read that. Yeah, the bottom right corner of it tells you how many minutes and hours you have left. You and Chris are going to tell me how to dump all this gold and free up the card. No, you're going to buy a new card.

They cost like 20 bucks. Nah. All right, anyway. All right, Mike, have a great weekend. Yeah, you too. We want to thank- Good luck there. We want to thank Midcoast media i'm in tacoma and uh

selling a lot of tickets i gotta thank you guys for coming out by the way the last since the pandemic kind of like slowed down in february uh big uptick in people coming out to shows it's been nice to see the some sold out shows i get bonuses when it sells out. So tell your friends and come on out and thank you for the support. And thank you to mid media. Key, Chris, Beth, you're awesome. And thank you everybody. Alrighty. Go see nothing, nowhere, no time. Go see that movie. If you want to watch Ozark because we're going to Talk about it next week oh yeah

Catch up on Ozark we will talk about it next Week I'm angry about It okay sounds good Take it Take it Turn down your volume and get ready To be assaulted with the most offensive, opinionated, comedic relief of this week's top stories from around the world. And now, your ball-breaking laugh masters, Greg and Mike. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, go ahead. Here we go. Greg, what's it like being a 54-year-old rageaholic in a 15-year-old trans girl's body? That shit was gold. Here it comes.