Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 117 6/5/22

Episode Date: June 5, 2022

Lot of news from Florida as well as a Mexican hurricane which identifies as THEM. An 83 year old pastor takes up doing gay porn and a 22 yr old Scottish woman is hired to watch it.

Now you're listening to the Sunday Papers with Greg and Michael, yeah. Greg's about to scream, read all about it, and Michael get upset. Got it all going, read all about it! Read all about it! Pick up your news! Okay. Do you want to clap in? One, two, three. it pick up your news okay do you want to clap in one two three here's mine three two one read all about it read all about it here we go here we go screamed it i think we started we started we started um so uh mike is back from bend o Oregon, which is apparently a very beautiful place. How was Bend? I missed what you said.

Did you give your update? Well, my update is my Aunt Jo in the Bronx, who's 95, who was born in the house that she lived in for 95 years, has passed away two days ago. And she was a fucking character. I used to call her on my podcast all the time and just check in. And she's just, she'll be missed. I mean, it's just amazing you talk to somebody like that.

She knew every neighbor, every relative, had everybody's story. It's like this, this oral history that was all in her head. That's just gone now that so few people know that information that she had, you know? And this is Aaron's. This is Aaron's mother's sister. And you got that close to her. Oh my God. Yeah. We loved each other. I gave. I gave her my headshot when we first met 25 years ago. And it's been hanging on her kitchen wall. What a thrill for her. It's been hanging on her kitchen wall for 25 years. Wow.

All right. And I took her. We bought a car together. We shopped all over the Bronx. And she wasn't racist, Mike. No, no. That's normally what you say about people who aren't racist, but she was, I'm kidding. That's you only say that about racist. She was aware. Well, you know, it's that Bronx thing. If she knew what race you were, that guy's Dominican, The Puerto Rican guy helped me get my groceries.

The black guy. Yeah. And but she was she was great. She I don't know how she did it. I don't know how she lived alone all those years, but that's the house. And then she went to the same high school as my mom and Aaron's mom. They all went to the same high school. St. Benedict's. Yeah. Very cool. They all went to the same high school, St. Benedict's. Very cool. So I am headed to the Bronx tomorrow morning for four days where I will sleep in Aunt Jo's bed. I thought you were there already. That's the crazy thing.

No, we can't be because there's no Wi-Fi in the house. You're going to sleep in her bed. I'm going to sleep in her bed because I have to clean the house out for four days so they can sell it. Wow. Is that weird? Is that creepy? I don't know. Did she die in the bed? No.

All right. And you can still crank one out, I'm sure. Erin's going to wear her negligee, which I think is weird. Erin's not going to wear her own. You mean she's going to wear Aunt Jo's? She's going to wear Aunt negligee, which I think is weird. Oh, Erin's not going to wear her own. You mean she's going to wear Aunt Jo's. She's going to wear Aunt Jo's negligee, yeah. Yeah, it's only appropriate. It's a tribute.

It's thermal. It's thermal negligee. Just before we started, I got this. I have no idea what it means from Olivia. And it's all caps block. My friends. I'm like, what?

I literally go, wait, I have no idea who your friends accounts are. And my profile is public, but mostly why she hasn't answered yet. Huh? And above it is a hat, which I will.

All right. So we're driving down from Ben to the airport. And all of a sudden the girls go, they go, we hey, we want funny trucker hats. Can can you order some on Amazon? Right. So they start looking on Amazon and they're they're mentioning like the one was like, I love MILFs, you know, and they love that it's inappropriate. Let me get all these documents out of the way here. And anyway, they, all of a sudden they go, oh, no, wait, I want this one. And it was Mayor of Titty City. So I don't even know if you know what I'm thinking at this point, but I just stare in the rear view mirror, which, by the way, I do. Apparently, I have a tight five minutes on mirrors.

Aren't all mirrors rear view? Let's save it for another time. And so, hey, by the way, are our boxes supposed to be next to each other? Yeah. You see them next to each other? I think they're on top of each other. I don't think it matters. Okay, good. I'm a great storyteller so anyway i look in the rearview mirror they just said we want the mirror of titty city hat and i'm like you guys are kidding right and they're like no

and they're dying i'm like you know ben hoffman and i, right? And it's one of the most famous sketches from The Ben Show. Oh, that's hilarious. It's still on YouTube now. It says it has like four million, whatever, however many million. But they keep taking it down and then putting it back up, which rewraps the count at zero. But if you go to The Ben Show on YouTube and look for last text message. So it was like I was very inappropriately proud in that moment. Wow.

Your entertainment career has consumed itself. And is this inappropriate? I let Olivia get it and not Sophie because Sophie has tits and Olivia's flat. And I thought it was funny for Olivia. Maybe you could get Olivia mayor of the itty bitty titty committee. So, but hold on. They started reading out more of these hats just briefly. So, and they wanted to get them and I had to give hard nose blackout with your rack out. your rack out.

Ready? Wine them, dine them, 69 them on a hat that my daughters want. They settled on IP and pools and Mayor of Titty City.

But the one they wanted most, here we go, show me that butthole. Wish I were kidding and also wish i could make that up no chance yeah that's great crazy wait so you were uh you were just with oh you were you were with both of them driving to the airport uh and kate, my niece. So there's the four girls. Kate and Caroline are my nieces. And so Laura drove Caroline back to Oregon, back to Eugene.

And I was in Bend. Why? Is she not done with school? She's not done. Wow. They're on the quarter system, I guess. And Bend was beautiful, man. I mean, we did not luck out with weather. It was 37 one night, 39 another night.

Like in the 30s at night, one day was high of 47. And everyone there was like, this is not how it normally is. I mean, they're like, yes, it can snow in June, but normally it's in the 80s now. Now, somebody suggested a possible golf trip up there because you can get a house, you can rent a house for not a lot of money. Well, when I was walking around, Gubbins, our dear friend Dennis Gubbins, who went to Oregon. Go Ducks. Go Ducks, who said the most beautiful sunset he's ever seen. Keep in mind, the guys spent a lot of time in Thailand and all over the world, said the greatest one was in Bend. It really is

beautiful and it's high desert, so no humidity. And so I was walking around, I'm like, you know, my family rented this Memorial Day weekend, rented this five bedroom. And I mean, the up the third, the second floor was a bunk room and its own living room with a pull-out couch. And by the way, bunk room meaning two bunk beds. So whatever. The house could sleep 12 or more. And it was like $700 a night or something on a golf course. Really?

Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do it in early September. Something like that could be amazing. Yeah. I love it. Direct non do it in like early September. Something like that could be amazing. Yeah. I love it. Direct nonstop flights from L.A. And how's Caroline doing? All right. Good. So at one point, just a quick thing.

I'm sitting at the breakfast table and she's like somehow came up. She's like, yeah, you know, the Oregon, the school, she's like, the campus police are really cracking down on the frats. And so I go, oh, yeah, they're trying to stop rape. And she's like, I wouldn't go that far. She's like, it's drinking outside. I'm like, OK, so maybe it's baby steps. Maybe right now it's just knocking white claws out of guys' hands. Right.

They're starting outside. They work their way inside. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I would not let my daughter go to a frat party. I would tell my daughter, you are out of school if I find out you go to a fucking frat party. Not only that, they go to frat darties, which are day parties.

Well, I can't even keep up at this point. Darties. Darties. All right, wait. While we're on that subject, she won't like me doing this, but this is the other niece. So we flew back yesterday. We're all here. Today's, by the way, Tuesday for everybody listening. So our news

is going to be a little weird. But yesterday, Memorial Day, we flew home and we were all here. And then Kate starts dying laughing and she matched with a guy on some dating app. Wait, how old is Kate? Sorry, Kate. Kate. Kate is, Kate's 21. Okay. Yeah. 21. Going to be a senior, and she matched with a guy. God damn it, where is it? And, fuck, did I screen grab it?

All right, hold on. And here it is. So to prove it's real, there, I don't know, I can't see because we're stacked this way, but there, all right, so here's the text chain and it goes, a guy goes, starts it off and goes like your, Oh no, the guy liked the photo. So she gets notified of that. So then it says, start the chat with Chris. So yesterday at 8 59 PM, Chris goes, the dark humor in the prompt does it for me with laughing emojis. Kate goes, thank you. It's the best kind of humor.

Chris goes, yeah, Y-A-H, T-B-H, right? Yeah, to be honest, first time I've ever, all caps, first time I've ever laughed at something a girl had in her profile because most of the time girls fucking suck mad dick. F.R. What's F.R.? For real. There it is. Fuck that guy.

He went all in oh no the girls were then just pow wowing like sounds like you know what sucking sucking dicks all about like just oh wait hold on owen's calling let's put owen on the on the show let's do it speaking of bros hey now we're doing sundayapers. What are you doing? Watching Djokovic and Nadal. Oh, shit. Don't tell me who wins. Oh, no. I got to.

Oh, man. I got to. This is going to be amazing. I don't know anything on. I didn't even know it was Game 7 Rangers last night. Yeah, I watched Game 7 Rangers. It was awesome. That was amazing.

That was a little up and down in the third. All right. Well, I'll call you later. All right. And I just got your cube itinerary. It looks awesome. Pretty sweet amazing. That was a little up and down in the third. All right, well, I'll call you later. All right, and I just got your Cube itinerary. It looks awesome. Pretty sweet, right? A lot of... Single.

Yeah, you scored the single, and I noticed there's seven girls on the trip and five guys, so in your favor. Hey, now. Hey, now. Say hi to them, by the way. All right, Mike says hi. Hey, man. See you.

Okay, bye. He's leaving for Cubean a week seriously yeah his he's on he's doing a school trip they did a class all semester on cuban uh culture and afro-cuban literature and poetry and then they're going to spend two weeks i just he just sent me the itinerary and it's like, that's how they did it because it's a cultural. Yeah. Although I don't know. I haven't checked in Cuba. I haven't checked in Cuba in five years. No, we were supposed to go to Cuba. Actually my mother and my whole family was going to Cuba when COVID started and we had to cancel the trip. And we, we got, we got in without being part of a college, but, um, no, he's going to go over there. And then Joey Diaz has a cousin over there

who's like a party animal. He's in a band, and he's going to take Owen out around Cuba. He's going to take him out to the nightclubs in Havana. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my.

That's insane. Yeah, it's going to be insane. All right. I'm looking for, sorry, I want to press record on this shit on my phone. Of course, watch an old guy try this. Anyway, all right, what are we doing, pal? Who's the logo?

The logo this week is from Haunted J, and it's a reference to last week's Final Ellen episode where she ended it by walking around and sitting on a couch and looking at herself on TV. I saw that. Yeah. What misguided idea was that? I have no idea.

It was so weirdly narcissistic. Has she been watching herself for 19 years? And then because you see her turn off the TV. Yeah. Does that mean her career is over? Is that what she's saying? She can't, maybe she can't afford cable anymore?

I don't know. I got to look up. Her net worth has got to be at least a couple hundred million dollars, if not more. Because every dime she makes- she every time she pays everyone so well there right every dime she makes she pours into real estate which then has tripled since she has been doing that so no it's it's unbelievable how uh i can't find the fucking

french open all right so uh it's yeah it's probably immeasurable how much money she has. Yeah. But that show, that seemed like a bunch of dumb people got around and tried to get philosophical. Yeah. You know? Yes. philosophical. Yeah. You know, like, yes. Cat Williams used to have a bit about the your friends, those that certain type of friend that gets stoned and all of a sudden they're like a stupid genius, like and I forget his example, like what what even is a refrigerator? Like,

you know, like, you know, all of a sudden they are getting full philosophical, but they're in way over their head. Yeah. Or they go in, they sound like freshmen that took their first philosophy class. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, you know, and her whole angle is always like that her mission and all of her energy and all she cared about was bringing joy to people. And I can tell you firsthand that is not at the core of this human being. And it is such a lie that she constantly spews that out. And I would say that's true for most comedians. We do it because it's a byproduct that we bring joy to people. It's not our fucking mission. Our mission is to get on stage because it's fun. It's creative, it's a challenge, it's exciting.

But there's very few people that are doing it because they want to bring joy to people. It's such a crock of shit. Just fucking stop. Right. It's a joke. The song this week comes from David Dranovic. Thank you very much for that.

That might be our last song. And then we're going to have to very much for that. That might be our last song. And then we're going to have to pick a song that's going to be our permanent one. All right. Probably Rob Duke's Sunday fucking papers, which people love and I love. And by the way, I have a present for you from Rob Duke's and his girlfriend, Melody Myers. When do you fly out? I can drop it off today. I also owe you money from the March Madness pool.

Yeah, you do. And I owe you some advertising money, and I've got a check for you. Oh. All right. By the way, this was one of my favorite songs. Hold on, hold on. Where the fuck?

Shit. On one of our clips. It was a few weeks ago when I was in Nashville. Oh, you can't fast forward this shit. All right. Anyway, it was a really lo-fi song and it made me laugh. Well, maybe next week we'll present the listeners with four or five songs and let them make the choice. And this time we'll stick to it.

Last time we let them pick the mugs and then you overrode it, which pissed a lot of people off. Yeah. They don't realize you're a control freak. The maroon army. Yeah. But what I'll say is, what about if we pick three and we just rotate them or something? We could do that. Because I love Duke's song also.

Yeah. One correction from last week. That one. I like that one a lot. That was a good one. Yeah. Sunday papers, forget about it. I saved them all.

I got them all in a folder. So we'll go through them. All right. One correction from last week. We were talking. I thought that the only people that couldn't give blood were from Haiti. But apparently, Maxwell Levine says, UK and all its territories, including India.

I didn't know India was a British territory still. It's from vaccination to mad cow disease. I'm an American born in the UK and was always stuck with the Indian kids in class when the Red Cross came to my high school to collect blood from students. Wow. So yeah, I guess, I don't know if I can. Jesus Christ, I've got so many chemicals in my blood. It's crazy. And now I am one week into mushrooms. I've taken it three times this week. And?

Feeling good. Wow. I am feeling good. Good for you. Yeah, I think, I don't know, I think it's also I'm exercising a lot, which is critical. I've gone to the gym probably five times this week. You got a cool hat. I got a cool hat i got a cool hat you're gonna go sleep in a dead woman's bed i'm gonna go through 95 years where and she's a little

bit of a hoarder we got a basement that's waist deep and and one of the bedrooms is waist deep with shit and you are going to find so much cool stuff maybe i think er jojo's excited about it because she she has some of aunt joe's old dresses that she's worn and uh so she's into collecting some stuff but uh also aaron's brother and his wife flew in from south africa so they're going to meet us there and i mean is there any business uh model of where is it a hot part of the Bronx yet? It's a nice neighborhood. You know, it's it's stayed nice over the I mean, it's it's it's the Bronx. You know, it's not Brooklyn.

No, but but my uncle, Uncle Johnny's part of us on fire. It's I know this is a weird thing to say. He's in Riverdale, right? Yes, but even the Bronx over there, the South Bronx, I mean, it's weird to say this. Everyone's calling it the New Harlem. Yeah. It's being gentrified like crazy.

And this is before, I mean, my uncle was half a block from the Joker staircase. I mean, I used to play on that Joker staircase growing up. Wow. Well, she's in the East Bronx, which is like over by the Botanical Garden and, you know, by Pelham, closer to Pelham. Listen, this is what I would do. And you know how great I am at investments. I would get like, you know, a guesstimate at the fair market value, what, what, what it would, you know, go for and all that stuff. And then as a whole family say, might we want to rent it out? Oh, that's not a bad idea. We'd have to, we'd have to fix it up first. It's got mold and

I'm sure the structural stuff. But now there's like, you know, four of you or whatever doing that. And, uh, and you might be shocked at like what. I mean, it's only a matter of time before that area might have already blown up and you just don't know it. Right. We'll see. Yeah. I'm excited to eat in a restaurant. You know, lots of good Italian restaurants, like real fucking old school Italian restaurants.

Yeah. And it's near, isn't it City Island right there or whatever? City Island is right there. We'll go there one night for some seafood. I mean, hipsters were already moving to City Island in 97 when I worked at HBO. Oh, no shit. I didn't know that.

Yeah, one of the producers on my floor moved to City Island with her boyfriend and got married there. And then I got some tour dates coming up uh wrapping it up i don't tour a lot in the summer so uh all i got left right now is clovis california at the classic at 6 25 i'll be there on june 10th and then june 11th i'll be in bakersfield at the well tickets at fitzdog.com mike what do you use incognito mode for on your computer? It's not helping you. Did you ever read the fine print that appears

when you start browsing incognito? It says your activity might still be visible to your employer, your school, your internet provider. Not very incognito. It is. I go on private browsing. Whatever I search for, those ads all of a sudden pop up on my phone in a different platform. If you want to really stop it, you have to do what I do and use ExpressVPN.

I've had ExpressVPN for like two years. I noticed a huge drop off in spam mail coming in. And every time I go on the internet, it comes on. It seems to come on automatically, but then sometimes I have to hit the button to turn it on. I'm not sure if I've got it set up right. Every goddamn site's forcing you to accept their cookies. I got it on my phone as well. Every time you use Wi-Fi at a cafe, hotel, your parents' house, whatever, you could be logged by the administrator of that network, even when you're in incognito mode. So anyway, ExpressVPN is an app that encrypts all your network traffic and reroutes it through their secure service so that your online activity stays private, whether it's AT&T, Verizon, whatever, they can all see

the record of your browsing. And what I love most about ExpressVPN is how easy it is to use. The app literally has one big on button. You tap it to turn it on and that's it. It works on all your devices, phones, computers, even your router. So your whole family can stay private under one subscription. So stop letting people invade your online privacy. Protect yourself with the number one rated VPN at ExpressVPN.com slash papers. Use our link ExpressVPN.com slash papers to get three extra months free. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash papers to learn more. All right. Do it. Let's papers to learn more. All right.

Do it. Let's get to the front page, people. All right. Where is that little contract from? There it is. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra!

I should use the contract from the Irvine Improv this last weekend where I crushed it. Good for you. It's like a 600-seat room, and we packed almost every show. It was awesome. Oh, it's awesome. So thanks for coming out, all you people in Orange County, you Republicans who I love and embrace.

You know, some comics, they don't want people different than them in their audience. They got to do it at a special little theater. I like people from all walks of life coming in, and they heckle me, and we go at it, and it's fun, and people get thrown out, and there's fights. And then we get fan mail calling us like two woke morons. How did they get so woke? They're old.

What's going on? Yeah, we got a lot of that last week i think because we talked about the uh what does school shooting oh yeah yeah yeah i guess i guess sorry i'm woke sorry i'm woke guys on that one yeah sorry i'm opposed to school shootings sorry i'm opposed to uh guns that uh the only stated use is to kill feral pigs rapidly. Yeah. Because you're not man enough to take them out with less bullets flying out of the machine you're holding per 10 seconds. All right.

I don't know what I'm talking about clearly. Front page. Rare May hurricane in the Pacific. Oh, boy. Hurricane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hurricane Agatha made landfall in Mexico at about 5 p.m. yesterday, Monday, with one hundred and five mile per hour winds, making it the strongest landfalling Pacific hurricane on record so early. All right. What? Let's pause for one second. Do you put your cursor on the paragraph I'm reading? Oh, is that blocking it? Well, what happens is your name, all of a sudden, Greg Fitzsimmons keeps covering the sentence.

Okay, got it. And I don't know what the next word is. Learning and growing. We're learning and growing as we podcast. Getting better at it every time. Episode 79 or whatever this is. Anyway, it made landfall and it was the strongest landfalling Pacific hurricane on record so early in the year.

But here's the headline that grabbed me. I read this headline. Hurricane Agatha makes landfall in Mexico. Could strengthen to become Hurricane Alex in the Atlantic. So here we are. Even the hurricanes are transitioning.

I can't keep up. I can't keep track of anything. No offense to anybody. I'm just saying it's a lot of moving parts right yeah hurricanes used to be she's now they're it's or them's i wouldn't go with it but maybe maybe a hurricane's it and then you know someone criticized me that like with pronouns or whatever i'm like well i call my mom a thing and they're like what do you mean i'm like well she was going through chemo like you poor thing like and then like oh yeah I guess there is a use of that, which is acceptable.

If I'm going to get blown, if I'm going to get blown by a hurricane, I'd rather it was Agatha, not Alex. Yeah, because you're terrified, homophobic. Yeah, right. And how about once it gets stronger and more successful, it's no longer a woman. Once once it picks up steam and really finds its voice, no longer a woman. They have to, like, no, sorry. This has got to be a dude. Yeah. It's unfair that you're still a hurricane.

Yeah. You're a man now. Right. The ceiling's going to be a lot higher. There's room to grow. You're not going to be limited. And you're going to cause a lot more monetary damage, a lot more than a woman. Yeah. All right. The government's going to bail you out. Yeah. Another little technical thing. You've been frozen a lot of this. So this is your Wi-Fi,

which you share. You steal from a guy in another office. I piggyback. Okay. I wish you had frozen before I saw that shoulder strug on piggyback. But yeah, I would just recommend all YouTube people to maybe try to do, I don't know. It's probably going to be really annoying to watch. I don't know how it goes. Anyway, maybe the audio's not interrupted. That's fine then. All right. Good news for Gubbins. Gubbins text, new section. New section. We're moving this along. We only have one lead story. And it was a misogynistic take on hurricanes.

And probably our clip this week. Good news for Gubbins. Gubbins texted us, just personally, not even on social media, quote, interesting how you two are oh so careful not to spoil Ozarks. That's exactly how he wrote it. But have no issue just jumping in Spoil Atlanta. Very interesting. Oh, does that have racial overtones? So all I know is I love that it's dripping with with passive aggressiveness, which is Dennis's mode of communication.

Yes. A lot of the time. Yes. Also, he calls it Ozarks. I've found a lot of people. My dad is saying, Oh, are you watching Ozarks? And he's the guy that also said, Oh, did you see Thursday's episode of Steinfeld? I think that your father, Oh my, yeah. Oh, I think everybody over 50 at that point, uh, when we were in our twenties and thirties was saying that. So the Ozarks people are the Steinfeld people. That's what I've come to understand. Did you see All in the Families? Yeah. So you spoiled that, man.

That one's on you. Gubbins really should not have included me in that text. Yeah, that was a big spoil. That was a big spoil. I miss it. Some series you finish watching and you just kind of flush it away. Like Queen's Gambit, you don't think about it. I'm still, some series you finish watching and you just kind of flush it away. Like Queen's Gambit, you don't think about it.

You enjoy the shit out of it and then it's gone. But Atlanta, I think, I go back and think about those episodes all the time. They were so poignant and interesting

and provocative. It's just an amazing series. The Queen's Gambits? Yeah. All right. Well, this is, I mean, don't even crinkle a paper. Let's keep talking about Ozark, although we did that last week. Okay.

On the plane to bend, I watched the first part. How many parts of the George Carlin doc are there? Two. I watched. I'm almost done with the first. I was landing, and I think I had like three, four minutes left. It's so well done. Yeah.

The context, which they spent a lot of time on what was going on, where this guy came from, what made this this guy was very well done, I thought. Yeah. And, you know, it really is a it's a harsh look. It's a very honest, harsh look. And, you know, his his wife was somebody who was a guy. She was a guiding hand in his career early on. And then you see that as he gets big, she gets kind of sidelined. And well, whatever. I don't want to spoil this one also. But it's it's it's really well done. Really worth watching. And I don't care if it's a spoil. There's one very small part, tiny and in it. But to anyone else, to anyone out there like, you know, we have

people who write to us about how do I how do I make my way in a creative field and stuff like that? One fascinating, really fascinating thing to me, which was towards the end of the first hour, was he famously, which everybody who knows Carlin knows, he went from kind of wearing a coat and tie, trying to do the TV thing, very straight and all that. And finally, all of a sudden, this George Carlin appeared with a beard, a legitimate hippie who was brazen about his pot smoking and talked about unsafe for TV issues like race, drugs, abortion. I mean, it was the George Carlin we all know now. And an interviewer asked him, well, you know, you've gone through quite a transition and this transformation, you know, what was that like? And he said, well, I don't see it that way. He goes, what I was with the coat and tie, I transformed to that. He goes from this, this is me. And it's so interesting. And I think profound that the more you strip away, the more you

simplify and are connected to who you are and what you like and what your taste is and what your tone is and what your voice is, that that's the best way to go through life in anything, by the way. But it was really interesting for him to so articulately identify. Actually, the transformation was the thing you all know. This is me. And that goes that goes back to my my take on Ellen saying she's here to please people. It's just, you know, that was not Carlin's. Carlin was here to explore his own mind and share it with you. He wasn't, you know, I don't even think he was necessarily trying to change your mind. I think he was telling you what was on his mind. And that's, to me, the definition of good comedy is you go from the inside out,

not from the outside in. And Ellen should have stayed true to herself, which is a very talented stand-up comedian ripping off Jake Johansson and Bob Newhart. Sorry. I am just stating the facts. Poor Jake. Also, I watched... Love Jake. One of the best ever. One of the best ever. I just watched the first, but I felt emotions and, but it was super late last night and I spaced that it came out. So I started it and I have nothing to say yet. I can't, I couldn't watch

it. I got very emotional. I got very, very sad. I, I felt like I was getting depressed. I felt like depression was coming over me and I had to turn it off. I didn't like not looking into his eyes. He delivers this, which you'll see frame one, where he's not looking in the camera on a laptop or whatever, a desktop maybe. Oh, God. You know,, occasionally looks to the side and you see those Norm eyes, you know, and which are so communicative. It's not like they're just beautiful, which they are, but they're so communicative. And that's what I miss about

not seeing him making eye contact even around like the audience, because there is none. So anyway, for people who don't know what we're talking about, Norm MacDonald, it's all self-explanatory. It just came out on Netflix. Actually, we won't even say we've talked about it before. Just go in the first 30 seconds. It explains exactly what it is. Yeah. And I think it's going to be a really tough watch for me. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. And, you know, the material was, it's just a shame it wasn't in front of a crowd because I could see it destroying. It was just really well thought out, very tight, all transitioned. It was like his last special.

Everything transitioned and was in, like, nice chunks and themes and, you know. Anyway, here's a story. An 83-year-old pastor traded in his role preaching to a congregation to take up a new role as a pornographic film star. Okay. And now he says sex can actually help bring people closer to God.

Hasn't that been the church's theory for 400 years? Yes, they've been trying to's theory for 400 years? Yes. Yes. They've been trying to fuck their way to heaven for centuries. The career swap took place five years ago and the former priest from North Carolina believes sex should be treated as a joyous part of spiritual life. Earlier in life, he had been married to a woman for nearly 30 years,

but eventually realized he was gay. It took him 30 years to realize he was gay. Didn't the whole, like, joining the priesthood kind of tip his hand? How about when his wife told him on the third date, like, you're sure you're not gay? It took him another 20 years to come out publicly and express his sexuality through adult films. We're going to have sex anyway, so why not make it a liberating and bonding experience?

So far, he's done his camera work free of charge. I haven't seen it, but if he's 83, pretty sure he's the bottom. What church is this, Lemon Party? I mean, it's clearly not the Catholic. This is, I mean, it's too close in many ways. It will make them uncomfortable about everything that's going on with them. Yeah. But also just the plain and simple rules.

Like, no way. Getting an erection is going to be half the movie and apologizing is going to be the other half of the movie. Wait a minute. Isn't that... Didn't you just describe sex?

Saw Top Gun on Friday. Okay. I've heard it's good. Holy shit, it's good. It is a perfect summer movie. It's action. Oh, my God. It's got cool lines in it.

It's got great music. It's got, if you saw the first one, there's all kinds of flashbacks to it. Is there shirtless volleyball? I think I saw some in the trailer. It's shirtless football, but they play, it's Navy SEAL football, so there's two balls and you're playing offense and defense at the same time, which if Matt Malloy sees that, we will be playing that the next time we play. Wow, never heard of that.

That's like a quarters game with the two quarters racing around the table. Yeah. And Tom Cruise is a fucking movie star, period. End of story. We've been saying that for years. Yeah. We went to see him, remember? And we all were like so excited and it turned out to be an awesome movie the edge of tomorrow or something like that

right right where it was like a video game well i don't want to just go see it it was it was so conceptual and cool and he is a goddamn star and i went into the movie and i drove i was in irvine and i left you know la to irvine is about 50 miles and um it can take you anywhere from an hour to three hours depending on the traffic and so i left three hours early i hit no traffic and i realized i had two free hours and Top Gun was playing they have a megaplex and it was playing in so many theaters that literally every 20 minutes there was another showing of the movie and so I walk in and they had this F1 fighter out front with this Tom Cruise impersonator in the full Navy SEAL outfit not Navy SEAL whatever

those guys are called. Navy pilots. And he was taking pictures, so it's on my Instagram. And this guy was so fucking funny. He was shit, he was shit. Like, he was there to take photos to promote the movie, and he was shitting on everybody. He started calling me Ron Howard and trying to get people to clap for me. He was great.

Sorry to tell you this, Greg, but he's been out there with his FF, whatever, fighter pilot, fighter jet, for me. He was great. Sorry to tell you this, Greg, but he's been out there with his fighter jet for years. It has nothing to do with this movie. When you go to an Orange County movie theater, Maverick is going to be in the parking lot. Alright, let's do some Florida, man. You got it, pal.

Fish off the coast of Florida test positive for pharmaceutical drugs. Okay. Not exactly the newest topic. We've heard about like, you know, antidepressants in lakes or in streams, especially, and stuff like that. And people flushing their toilets and it gets in the system. But of course, nobody does it like Florida. Researchers took blood and tissue samples from 93 bonefish in Biscayne Bay and the Florida Keys since 2018 when the study started.

Each bonefish, each one, had an average of seven pharmaceuticals present, including blood pressure medications, antidepressants, prostate treatment, antibiotics, and pain relievers, according to the release. One fish had a total of 17 different pharmaceuticals in its tissues. Wow. Wow. Jesus. What? Yeah. You get the, you have a couple bites of swordfish and you've got an erection. And some nice loose stools. They're hard to catch because they're like, they're pretty chilled out, these fish.

That's why bonefish, you know, notoriously, they're one of the harder fish to catch. And yeah, probably. They're all chilled out. They really don't need it. They get low blood pressure. Too busy having sex. I'll tell you who needs the antidepressants, those Florida manatees. They're like the Eeyores of the sea. They're like the sad. They just kind of bob around waiting to get hit by a motorboat. They're like, wee-wa. Hi.

Who's the donkey? Who's the Eeyore? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Exactly. He's Eeyore. Oh, hello. Please don't pet me.

I got a lot of scars on my back from jet skiers. Perhaps I'm down because you guys call me sea cow. That might have something to do with my self-esteem issues. Spring breakers keep trying to milk me. Another quick Florida story. Florida will begin releasing genetically modified mosquitoes this week as part of its effort to control one of the disease-spreading species of the biting insect. The state will release almost 144,000 non-biting male mosquitoes in the coming weeks

engineered to mate with biting females with any resulting female offspring unable to survive. But it's Florida, so the females won't have sex with the males unless they bite and have tattoos. 144,000. I was trying to picture how big a container that is, and then I thought, it's probably the size of a shoebox. Yeah, right. And then I thought, it's probably the size of a shoebox. Yeah, right. Just a buzzing, vibrating shoebox. Yeah.

That's incredible. What could possibly go wrong? Right. Genetically modified mosquitoes, which is the number one killer on the planet in terms of animals. Let's go international. I love it. A 22-year-old woman from Scotland has been hired to watch porn after beating 90,000 applicants. Is she watching The Priest? Yes.

She's going to find them. Rebecca Dickinson from Greenock was picked to be be bed bible's head of porn research the job involves gathering information on areas of focus such as sex positions duration number of orgasms male versus female ratio hair color distribution and language distribution rebecca said quote i saw it and I thought that was just the ideal job. Who wouldn't want to get paid to watch porn? I'm honestly shocked that I was picked for the job as I'm from a small town where not so much happens.

And sometimes late at night, cars break down at my barn. So it's a great opportunity. I'm glad to be part of the project. She sounds like a porn film, except that she's Scottish. Yeah. That'll kick the boner off anybody's dick. Yeah, exactly.

Well, maybe she can do some research and report back. This is what she's going to find. And I want her to correct it. When did the internet think we're all into incest porn yes that is so weird they've retitled even old classics that i've watched into like a stepmom or a sister yeah they weren't a sister brother sister when i first saw this clip i wonder if that puts pressure on people that have like your stepmom died.

So you haven't had to think about it too much. But what if you're like a young guy and you actually have a hot stepmom? I wonder if you get teased relentlessly for it. Well, yeah, I mean, there's the whole MILF culture, of course. Right. No. And they oh, if you have a hot mom, the whole Stacy's mom thing. Oh, you hear about it for sure

especially if you're fucking her I wonder if this girl's sex life is going to get wild I wonder like whoever she is every guy in town is now asking her out I would be screaming sexual things in a Scottish accent right now if I could do one

how was work today I want you in my pussy I would be screaming sexual things in a Scottish accent right now if I could do one. How was work today? I want you in my pussy. I saw three Eiffel Towers. I'm Sophie's home. Three Eiffel Towers, two lotuses, six preachers. I looked up some of the positions online. I want to put you in my pussy. Go ahead.

Here's some of the things she's going to see. A Mexican pancake. Are these real? These are real. These are real positions I found online. Alright, let me hear what a Mexican pancake is. And it's Reddit, so I know it's real. A Mexican pancake is when a man shoots his load on a woman's face,

waits for it to dry as if it's a skin treatment, then peels it off and feeds it to her. That's a Mexican pancake. The Mexicans cornered the market on that move? Yeah. Weren't you waiting for you peel it off and wrap up beans and rice?

That would have been the way to go. How did that not go towards a tortilla? Yep. Okay, go ahead. Alabama hot pocket. This is the art to describe the act of separating the vagina lips and taking a dump inside said vagina. Your excrement will then serve as lube. Okay. That one's on brand. That one, unlike Mexican, this one, I get the name. I got it. I mean, everything about it. Alabama, hot, pocket, every word, not one word is wasted. Here is a perfect one.

The minivan. Insert two fingers into the vagina and a fist up the ass. Coin the minivan as the vehicle sits two in the front and five in the back. All right. Maybe they can make a trucker hat for your daughters with that on it. I mean, I don't want to get too graphic, but isn't the vagina like, what is going on back there?

It's affecting me. It's all of a sudden very claustrophobic. You definitely can't push your seat back at that point. There's the angry pirate. When a man is about to climax, he pulls out, shoots his wad into a woman's eye, then kicks her in the shin so she looks and walks like a pirate. All right.

Okay. I'm glad they didn't put Mexican on that. All right. And finally, the Scottish woman might see a Tony Danza when you're giving it to a chick from behind and inquire who's the boss. She'll turn around in confusion. And then you answer Tony Danza. How is it not Boney Danza or some play on Tony Danza?

Yeah. Meanwhile, she's getting railed. Like, dided like, did you say tiny dancer? Yeah. So weird. All right, let's do some sports. You got it, pal. I like this story you got.

Okay. Okay, Australian jockey Chris Caserta is presumed dead after being caught in a riptide current during a late-night swim. Shortly after 10 p.m. on Wednesday, 26-year-old Caserta and a female companion entered the water at Surfers Paradise. paradise the woman who has not been identified was going to was able to reach the shore uh but a land sea and air search for caserta remains ongoing well first of all i mean the poor guy died so you know of course there's that thoughts and prayers thoughts and prayers and he really had no chance apparently the rip current was 200 yards long and four feet nine inches deep missed it by an inch yeah so again to his family and friends this is tragic it is tragic because you know the thing is he was having fun he was surfing at the time well he was standing on a boogie board but he was surfing like one of those little squirrels jet skiing, you know, that footage of that stuff.

And it was interesting, the survival story of the woman. She was able to reach the shore because she walked there. He was waving, but the swells were two feet that day, so they couldn't see his hands. Rest in peace, my friend. We only roast the ones we love, right, Mike? We only roast the ones we love. Of course, it's tragic. All right, let's get down to business. Are we doing business? Yeah, let's do business.

Oh, I didn't see this story. Okay. McDonald's in Russia has registered possible brand names for the firm taking over its fast food restaurants there, including Fun and Tasty and The Same One. That's great. Isn't that great?

The balls on that title. Yeah, yeah, The Same One will also be the name of whoever takes over for Putin when the cancer gets bad. Right. bad right mcdonald's has announced earlier that they will leave ukraine all together as part of this big uh embargo and i think if we went if we want to russia leave russia russia yeah what did i say ukraine which i'm like don't do that right right no we want first of all if we want to harm russia shouldn't we try to open more m's? That's exactly what we should do. Fat people are easier to track and shoot than skinny ones. Yeah.

Also, you'd always know to just kick in the doors on toilets. That's where you're going to find them all. Right. All right. Let's skip this day in history and go right down to letters to the editor. Uh-oh. These are never good. No, this is just some facts. Hey, Mike and Greg, I've seen the new Bad News Bears,

and they in fact lose 8-7 with Coach Buttermaker pulling the better players in the stretch to give bench players a chance to win. Of course they do not. Then Coach gives all his players non-alcoholic beers while they spray them all over each other as they win anyway, learning that effort is more important than success. One kid on the bad news bears does say to the, to the winners,

take your crappy trophy and shove it up your asses. While another player with the bears yells, see you next year, bitches. So the movie is still pretty good and holds its own. It's no original, but that's rarely the case. Take a deke, Nolan from Winnipeg. The non-alcoholic beers is disappointing.

That is disappointing. I mean, it seems they made it very obvious because they were terrified, but all right. In the original, did they put in the bench warmers in the original they did right and lost the game yes i believe i should know this just off the top of my head um i think sudden the players got angry at butter maker you know that he's he's putting in this player yeah yeah yeah oh god i forgot the kid's name, who was so like just like listless and and had the worst self image. He got thrown in a trash can while getting like hot dogs and stuff. Yeah. He anyway, God is perfect. But you know what? Good. Billy Bob Thornton.

I'm glad he was in one where they at least kept the purity of the ending. All right. Niedermeyer. Oh, no. That was Animal House. Yeah. Butter Maker. Obituaries.

And that's all, folks. Oh, only one letter to the editor. Only one. A little light this week in the mail, but it's also Tuesday. We should explain to people we're doing the Sunday papers on the previous Tuesday because Mike is going out of town

and I'm going to be in the Bronx in a house that does not... Ready for this? No Wi-Fi, no cable TV, and the phone is a fucking wall-mounted rotary phone.

I don't even think it works. And six battery-charged vibrators that you're going to find in that bed. Batteries. That's way too modern. This thing had a three-prong adapter. Right. Exactly. It was a giant, thick air-conditioning cable.

220. It ran on 220. I was always wondering why she had such curly hair. All the lights in the apartment dim right after dinner time. Oh, bitch, right. Carol M. Baldwin. Names sound familiar. Founder of the Carol M. Baldwin Breast Cancer Research Fund.

Oh, yes. By the way, if you look up breast research, it's different than breast cancer research, I found when I Googled it. After raising her children, four actor sons, as well as daughters Elizabeth and Jane, it should say three actor sons and Daniel. Oh, no.

She didn't get shot, did she? Never mind. Keep going. Sorry. Baldwin worked in market research, diagnosed with breast cancer in 1990, double mastectomy. After her fight, she became determined to help others, so she founded this breast cancer research fund, raising money for research, and she raised millions of dollars. Wow. Well, I know the Baldwins are incredibly active in terms of causes and everything. I know for a fact, I don't know for a fact, but I know for pretty certain that Baldwin, when he did all those credit card commercials, all of the money he made from that went to charity. No shit.

Yeah, I believe so. And it's not saying that he doesn't need money and want money, but the point is he's not going to stop giving to charity. So when he does take jobs that you might say are beneath him or does, for instance, the roast, why would anyone want to do that roast and be victim to all that? And even the roast,

a million dollars was given to the Tony Bennett, like Tony Bennett had a foundation. And so that was given to that. So anyway, say what you will about Alec Baldwin. He is certainly a complicated guy for sure, I mean, to say the least. But he and the Baldwins, and it sounds like it came from that house and you know i know his dad was in the military and served uh they grew up on long island uh not well off and uh but it's a culture of giving back well they're irish they're like good irish catholics and they uh they

walk the walk i respect it yeah they also punch the shit out of anyone that has a camera. That's right. Sometimes shoot them. Yeah. But not their little piggy daughters. They're very nice to the press. Yes. Sunday funnies.

Oh, my God. We're doing it. Hager the Horrible. Helga is looking at Hager. He's sitting in the kitchen kitchen and he's toying with something in his hands. And she goes, have you once noticed the house is always tidy? Your clothes are always clean and there's always tasty food on the table. And he goes, you notice that too?

That's a good one. It sounds like they're leaning into the lock horns a good one. It sounds like they're leaning into the lockhorns a little bit. Well, here's some lockhorns for you. Leroy is looking at Loretta. They're having dinner, and he says, I'm not lactose intolerant, Loretta. I'm lactaste intolerant. Okay. And then Loretta is standing with her friend in the living room and there's an empty

frame hanging on the wall and loretta says it's the first dollar leroy failed to earn perfect uh all right i have a uh god i want to call it a far side but it's charles adams huge influence on the far side i'm going to hold it up and it's a lab. So you'll see, anyway, the reason I picked it out is it to me, it totally is so far side. So there's the picture in the lab and it's a bunch of scientists around and they have their beakers and all that stuff. And then one of the scientists is tiny and his clothes now look like a dress because he's down beneath the counter because he's two and a half feet tall. And the other guy's like, looks like Wesselman's hit on something interesting. And there are so many far sides like that where something is so obvious and they're like, ah, and then they, you know, they state it in that way.

Yeah. Yeah. I just love that. Yeah. It's subtle. Yeah. Let's round it out with fucking doofus Dagwood sitting in the blue chair with his feet up like he's done something, like he's earned leisure. Like he's done something.

Blondie who's faced away from him in like a day-glow green sweater, which highlights her yellow hair nicely. But she turns her back to him, which I like. And she goes, do you remember the day you first told me that you loved me? And he goes, of course. It was September 8th. And then she flips around and goes, actually, that was the day you first told me you loved my pot roast.

Hmm. Sounds like that came first. It's just amazing to me that you can be married to somebody who is so goddamn gorgeous. Okay. And all you care about is her cooking. Like, what kind of a man is that obsessed with food that he's not... I can remember the first time I had sex with you. Listen, she's a pro.

Doesn't she go and create her own catering company? Yes. Imagine what that pot roast was like. Imagine you have sex with a woman like that and then she serves you a pot roast that just falls off the fork, that it's so good yeah that's dagwood dagwood's got the life dagwood goals that that's really is what we're learning about you you have dagwood goals yeah it's why you have this resentment obviously yeah yeah yeah um all right mike i got you out you said you want to be done

at 145 it It is 146. That's the kind of show I fucking run. That's unbelievable that you hit it on the nipple like that. All right. So have fun. What are you off to do? What's your hard out here today? I'm running over to pick up my dad.

I know. No listeners are going to have any sympathy. I'm running over to pick up my dad because a week ago we scheduled playing around in nine holes over at Penmar and then the family's all joining us for dinner thereafter. Oh, nice. Yeah. So it's very cool. But I do. I have been running like as you've seen today with Texas of running nonstop, juggling too much. And I do not have, it is going to be maybe my most impatient nine holes. And it's with him. So that's what he's going to see.

So I'm proud of that. Maybe I'll swing by. I'll give you your money and I'll say hi to your dad. You were invited. You know that. I didn't know that. What? The key to the invitation is to actually vocalize it in some way.

Oh, my God. It was texted and everything. No, wait. You said you can't. No, I said I couldn't play golf. That's what I meant. Oh. Sorry.

Yeah, I'll swing by. Oh, no. Join for dinner, of course. What time are you playing? We're playing at 3. How long is the average 9 there? Two and a half hours. Right.

So we've told the family 6 o'clock at Penmar. All right. You should be done by 530. So I'll swing by 530, 6 o'clock. JoJo got home from college today. I'll bring her. We'll grab some food. All right.

I love that. Sounds good. All righty, man. All right. Well, I guess take it-ish. Take it-ish. All right. All right.

Now you're listening to the Sunday Papers with Greg and Michael, yeah. Whoo! Greg's about to scream, read all about it, and Michael get upset. Whoo! Florida man is always good for greatest hits. Later Greg will talk about Blondie's tits. Now you're listening to the Sunday Papers with Greg and Michael

yeah. Woo! It's by sure my favorite time of the week. Oh yeah. Woo! The California fires are really shit

But later Greg will cheer you up with Blondie's tits Now you're listening to The Sunday Papers with Greg and Michael, yeah And now I'm done