Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 118 6/12/22

Episode Date: June 12, 2022

An update on mushrooms, a handicap drug smuggler and a quick chat with CHAOS author Tom O’Neill. A FedEx truck slams into a guy getting road-smoke and Make America Florida!    

I'm not with a bunch of bros, just us half-nourished and the Jews I get ready to build some caves, every week on a Sunday, papers Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday Papers! Oh, you clap? I clap. Sorry. 3, 2, 1

That's how you clap. Alright. We owe it to the listeners That's how you clap. All right. We owe it to the listeners. Read all about it. Read all about it. 110 degrees in Bakersfield, California. That's where we're coming in from this week, baby. I missed it.

Bakersfield. I'm in Bakersfield. 110 degrees today it's going to be. Are you by the big, I think it's in Baker, California, the big thermometer, the world's biggest thermometer? Oh, I haven't seen it. No, that sounds exciting. Is it Baker?

No, it begins with a B. I'm going to find it right now. I was driving home early Sunday morning through Bakersfield. Oh, my God. Listening to gospel music on the blank radio station. On the country radio station. It's not country. It's not what he says.

It's not? Nope. The world's tallest thermometer. I nailed this shit. In Baker, California. Oh, Baker, not Bakersfield. No, no, no, but it's right near you. Oh, really?

I believe. And let's see. It's a steel electric sign that commemorates the weather record of 134 degrees Fahrenheit recorded in Death Valley, July 10th, 1913. I thought they just beat it last summer. I thought they did also. Come on, Google. I did a show last night.

It was just a fun weekend. I got in my fucking car. I drove four hours up to Fresno, which is a shit town. And there's a place called Clovis, which is about, it's like a suburb. It's a beautiful little suburb

just filled with like almond trees and cute little houses and porches and people sitting out front. And I did a show for vets, for fucking military veterans. And it was the greatest crowd I've been in front of in a decade. They were just just they were so

thankful they were so giving they laughed so i mean literally still prisoners of war they're prisoners of war yes they're all prisoners captive audience yes i mean i can't tell you it was just like and they were smart like sometimes i hate I hate to say it. They were, Greg. But I hate to say it like that. But sometimes you don't think of soldiers as being the brightest guys in the world. But they got everything. They got everything. And they, standing ovation and craziness.

And then the worst part is, on stage they go, by the way, after the show I'll be selling my pins. They're $10. And you can pick them up. And then and then when I finish, this guy gets up who's like, you know, some captain from the from the military. And he starts handing out pins to people depending on how many tours of duty they've done. Who's done seven tours of duty? Guy comes up standing ovation gets a pin and so and then they're walking out i'm standing there's my little table of pins like you want to buy my pin

now who appreciates a fairly okay crafted dick joke you sir oh my god oh thank you, Greg. Oh, let me give you $10 to put this pin next to my purple heart. Exactly. Yeah. I want to see one of those generals with just like bars and bars of stripes and then my stupid face. Let's bring this average down. The average of the honor here. And that you're charging them for the honor. I told them I was giving 10% to the Wounded Warriors organization.

So you lied to them and got $10. Yeah, I made a big mistake. Baker is not at all near Bakersfield. I mixed it up with Barstow. Oh, Barstow. Yeah, Barstow is near Bakersfield. There mixed it up with Barstow. Oh, Barstow. Yeah, Barstow is near Bakersfield. There's too many bees up in this desert. Yes.

Yeah, you pass Barstow on the way to Vegas, and then you see that bad boy out your left window as you're heading towards Vegas East, and that's where it is. So, yeah, you're not going to see that. But it's 110 where you are? It will be today. Yes, man. Um, and, uh, but you know, it's, I like the heat. I fucking love it. I'm in a good space. I took some, uh, I took my mushrooms yesterday, you know, I'm taking them

every three days, micro dosingosing you're lowering it right i'm lowering it it was i think i was taking too much and i was getting actually kind of irritable because i think maybe because you're you're not tripping but you're a little light-headed and like i did a podcast with allison rose and in 20 minutes in i realized i hadn't hit record so small things little things little things yeah but a little bit irritable on them and so yeah i lowered the dosage and yesterday actually felt pretty good except for gubbins it felt pretty good all right we're going to talk about gubbins later uh but the uh in a funny way we have a story about these guys getting in a fight on the golf course uh i could i should have

grabbed some mushrooms for you i think my brother-in-law has them i'm going to the dead tonight at dodger stadium oh that's awesome i didn't know about it i kind of had forgotten about it but there's this group with my sister and her great friend rock and roll debbie and george my brother-in-law and we have a really fun time what's that i love debbie that'll be fun positive vibe person and so is i i imagine dodger stadium full of dead i kind of given up on the dead a little as you know like i these dead cover bands now these jam bands they don't not only cover the dead but like j-rad and the fish type bands apparently there's one out there that Bart Coleman, who's the resource for all this stuff, he's told me about.

It's like J-Rad, but like up. And so I'm more into that. But listen, I'll go to Dodger Stadium. But I'm definitely not going without mushrooms. How many people do you think will be at Dodger Stadium for the show? I think they're like giving away tickets now because, I mean, it's, you know, it's gigantic. I don't know how many will be there. But Debbie has a party bus with a driver.

No. Yes. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Because parking is the biggest pain in the ass at Dodger Stadium. We're trying to remove all the headaches. I love it. God damn it.

I wish I was in town. I know, I know. So anyway, a lot of people have hit me up asking me about my progress with the mushrooms. So I will tell you that so far, it's been about two weeks, and I'm mixed results, but I'm hopeful still.

Oh, I'd imagine, yeah. You're also dialing it in without any professional guidance or anything, you know? Well, you know, the other way to go is to take a macro dose, but do it with a guide who can really help you organize your, your experience and go into it with some goals and some awarenesses and then kind of journal it afterwards, do all that stuff. So I might try that as well. It's very popular. So I tell you, so my friend, super buttoned down guy, rich guy from Mexico, Alvaro. Maybe I shouldn't have said his name. Anyway, went to high school with him. He's teaching at Harvard Business School now, but he went to Harvard Business School, very successful guy. He came out and we had lunch and

he talked about microdosing and we both agreed, like it's only a matter of time before Merck and Johnson and Johnson have exactly the tablets you have. Like it's of course. So, and that 60 minutes thing really moved the dial with the PTSD soldier who did exactly what you just said, had a guided therapy session and made crazy progress. And they attribute it to many things, but one being your ego gets out of the way. And that's a very complicated, more complicated than it sounds. But the ego that protects you, the ego that might tell this PTSD guy, you have every right to be afraid of some things and still be afraid. Like you, we're not even telling you your subconscious is even telling you some of the shit that you're

really afraid of here. And it's physiological. That's what's happening. But anyway, um, so I talked to Alvaro, Alvaro goes, this is unbelievable. You brought I brought it up that you brought it up because he did a session in Boston that was such a breakthrough. Keep in mind, I didn't even know Alvaro had issues. His kids are in great American colleges on soccer scholarships. He's super wealthy, married to the same woman since his early 20s. He's an architect and successful in her own right. And just, you know, on the surface, just killing it.

Right. And, and maybe they are, I'm not saying I've learned anything different, but he had a session about his life and about, you know, maybe he's thinking about what's the next chapter, whatever, because the kids are out at, that was so profound. He flew his wife, wife up to Boston. She did a session. Then they did a couple session. Wow. And he said it was an absolute game changer. Wow. I think that, you know, you and I are at a place now where you will be in a couple of years. in a couple years but when your kids leave for college it really like it's very empowering and in terms of like you really lock down when you have kids and you go all right right now i need

to provide i need to be a good role model i need to guide kids whatever and then once they leave you really feel like all right i need something new i need to try something new i can't keep doing exactly what i'm doing anymore because i feel like I'm not challenged. Well, first of all, you're like, I don't have to put the cocaine away anymore. It just stays out. Oh, dude, you have no idea. It just stays out on one of the framed photographs that I'm using on my table. I'll smell pot and I'll be like, what the fuck? And my wife has lit a joint in the kitchen. I'm like, who are you? I don't know you anymore joint in the kitchen. I'm like, who are you? I don't know you anymore.

Why are you lighting this joint when I'm inside you from behind at the dishwasher? Seems dangerous. Oh my God, sex all over the house. It's been great. I mean, the kids are- Oh great, I just ate in your kitchen. Lovely thought just happened. The kids are home for the summer. We got to reign it in. We got to reign it in. Totally. It's kind just happened the kids are home for the summer we gotta reign it in

we gotta reign it in totally it's kind of like the parents coming home when you were a teenager like holy shit is that a bottle cap that i see under the coffee table i didn't get that one yeah and uh jojo's home and oh yeah so our daughters went to the beach the other day that looked like it was fun i came home and, and JoJo and Sophie were here, and it was just such positive energy. It was like I took a drug. It was just I chatted with your daughter, and she was so funny about your aunt's funeral and the house

and trying to, you know, and all the, like, treasures you dug up from this hoarder who was in a house for 95 years 95 and i just love jojo anyway because she's so fucking funny and and sophie and she together are just hysterical yeah so it was so great to come home to that yeah that's awesome yeah she uh she there was some she was the same size as joe and joe had like poochy dresses from the 1950s yeah she had like she had really good taste she only bought really high quality clothing and so she came home with a duffel bag full of vintage stuff and um i came home with this clan hat it was a different time and had to take all kinds of

swastika memorabilia it was the 30s um and then i came home with this book of poetry from thomas moore who's one of my favorite irish poets and uh it's the book was published it was it's from 1860 it was fucking printed in 1860 slaves slaves still in effect yeah the slaves actually did the printing by hand Slaves still in effect. Yeah, the slaves actually did the printing by hand. And they're like, wait a minute, you can read. Kill that guy.

So, yeah, I don't know if I told you, but my mother-in-law got COVID and missed her sister's funeral. You left that out, man. That is such a kick in the cunt. And they were so close. I mean, it was like she had just lost her other sister about a year and a half ago. She didn't make that funeral because she had just broken her knee and she couldn't get out of her apartment. And then she missed this sister's funeral. So we went to the church and I put so I FaceTimed her and I was, you know, filming it. And the priest was coming down the aisle and he said to me, you can't videotape. You have to put that phone away.

And so my brother-in-law grabbed it and he started filming. And the priest was this fucking sweaty, red-faced, drunken, angry piece of shit priest. And he was up there and he was doing a shitty job. He gave a bad eulogy. And then in the middle of his eulogy, he looked over at my brother-in-law from the, from the altar and goes, put that phone away. There's no filming. And it was like, the church has no fucking members. People are leaving for a million different reasons and if you're not going to allow a woman who has covid to not see her own sister's funeral fuck you you piece of shit well he's like baltimore people can't know baltimore moved me here from from from all the child raping

yeah he's got a tour jacket, like a band. No one can know I'm here. Why do you think I'm sweating? Yeah. And he drank, and you know, you're supposed to fill up the sacramental wine. Yes, rooster blood. He filled this glass to the top. You're supposed to put in a drop, and then you're supposed to cut it in half with water.

He filled it to the top with wine, put in like making a martini, a drop and then you're supposed to cut it in half with water he filled it to the top with wine put in like a like like making a martini a drop of water and then he whisper of vermouth and he just guzzled the entire fucking thing and he was sweating it was gross that's too bad yeah i've had that as well uh we had it for uncle johnny's in the bronx by the way. Yeah. In the Bronx, like steps from the Joker steps, actually. And yeah. And the guy was, well, listen, Johnny didn't deserve a good. I don't even know why we were in a church. Johnny didn't, you know, believe in it.

My dad and Johnny, it's kind of like serious early brainwashing. So it's needed in emergencies. You know, I think if they. And you knowhing so it's needed in emergencies you know i think if and you know what it's great in emergencies i mean when you die the catholic church has it fucking locked down man you get every you get everything together you you you view the body you have a wake for two days you get to see everybody you get time to put it together. And then you have the funeral and then you go to the grave and then you have a nice lunch afterwards. It's like it helps you through it. It gives you steps. It's profound.

Yes. But I've told you, like, regarding that, I'll just repeat the story. But hold on. I'm looking up. I think I want a Catholic funeral. Well, that's one way to keep me away. Good for you. I was going to do a reading.

I was going to say, are you going to miss the opportunity to roast me on the day that I die? I'm going to do a Sunday Papers from your service. Will I be the obituary? We're all betting that you're going before me. I don't know how we're assuming that. Oh, I'm're going before me. I don't know how we're assuming that. Oh, I'm definitely going before you. So my grandmother's funeral, I've told this story, but maybe not on Sunday Papers.

But very quickly, this is true. It sounds like a made-up, over-the-top scene in the sitcom. My grandmother dies. That's the mom of my dad and Uncle John. Uncle John, unlike my dad, just hit the ground running. No one knows what was going on. Became a white-collar, I was going to say criminal, became a white-collar successful business guy. You know, all that stuff. Uncle Johnny, never college.

Made a lot more money than my dad earlier because he became a welder in the steam fitters union in New York City. He says Batroom and all that. And, you know, Uncle John, amazing guy. Anyway, we're at their mom's, my grandmother's funeral. They had a plot. And my grandfather, who died in the 70s, was already in there. And when they dug in, it was empty. It was three plots deep. I think they got three, three plots deep and not in there. Huge confusion. We're all dressed in our funeral blacks and they get the grounds crew over.

The grounds crew have a chart. All of a sudden a car pulls up from the administration and long story short, my grandfather was buried accidentally in the grave next door. No. And the whole place comes over a hush because we're like, well, does my grandmother go in first? And he goes on top like they liked it. Yeah. It was all like, well, wait, do we have to wait?

And so a hush comes over as everyone's like, how's this day going to go? And Uncle Johnny, swear to God, goes, do you mean I've been pissing on the wrong grave all these years? He was a little rough with the boys when they were younger. That's great. That's awesome. Yeah. So, uh, but regarding that, I'll just end on this regarding that spirituality and emergencies and kind of a God bless them and all this,

I think of, so my Uncle John was found, heart attack, dead in his bathroom. Bathroom. In his bathroom. That's perfect timing. In his bathroom. And he was found because the neighbors and that bar in the Bronx, what was it called? Oh, I know. I should give a shout out to him. The, um, the beetle, the Beal, uh, Beal Bacht, the Beal Bacht,

all these musicians from Manhattan college go there. It's incredible. There's no Riverdale. Oh my God. I mean, if you want to go to an authentic Irish pub that is all about music, go to La Beale Bacht or something like that. And right by the Joker staircase, two birds with one stone. But they saw parking tickets accumulating on his dashboard. Like he had one two or three days in a row. And so anyway, I did think I remember that Lucinda Williams song, Lake Charles.

And it was like, did an angel whisper in your ear and hold you close and take away your fear in those long last moments. Wow, beautiful. And I fell apart a few times and hearing that song after that. But yeah, like I can talk a lot of shit about religion, organized religion, and it goes into spirituality. But if I'm clutching my chest on a cold tile floor all alone, that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Yeah. I'm going to want something. Absolutely. I don't care if it's my imagination, honestly. No. And, you know, and then, you know, they do some readings in the, in the, in, you know, uh, at the church about how, you know, um, life goes on and, you know, lives with, you know, this person lives within us all. I mean, it's just, there's, there's a, there's a narrative that you need at that moment. And I think kids need, like, you know, this person lives within us all. I mean, it's just, there's a, there's a narrative that you need at that moment. And I think kids need like, you know, there's always going to be

grandkids or nieces and nephews. And, um, I don't think it confuses them to, to tell stories about mythology and give them something. I don't know. I remember the best science professors and even philosophy and Neil Postman, who I always talk about, it was my, my, my, uh, guy in graduate school, um, that science's story isn't as appealing yet. Maybe it'll get, maybe it'll get there, but there's a lot of, and we don't know, you know, and people would rather take a leap of faith literally and and and have an ending and have a beginning that is uh while made up more concrete right so anyway so that's why we make up stories for a living so let's talk about um yesterday talked about taking too much pot andrew's story oh my god so all right Andrew we talk I talk about him uh later in Florida and

it is funny so Andrew as you know is um is Bert's producer he's his cousin as well but he's such a funny guy funny dude great dude oh so great so we met him yesterday and played golf with him and but eat breakfast and um he was uh the story came up about like how unreliable edibles were at all. So anyway, he is on tour with Bert. Everyone hands Bert Kreischer drugs and alcohol like crazy. It's a bit of the David tell thing after Dave did that show, you know, insomniac. Yeah. All, all people want to do with shots with the tell.

Right. And it kind of, kind of ruined things a little. So anyway, he was given this. There were candies or cookies or whatever. Or maybe there were candies. And he goes, and they tasted delicious. So the whole table instinctively goes, uh-oh. Because you can never describe an edible as tasting delicious.

Like that's going to be a problem. And he goes, I can handle this. And he goes, and there were two different flavors. So then I had another one and he goes, and then I realized I had too much, but we get back on the tour bus, which has sleeper, like sleeper little, uh, bunks. And he goes, and he goes, and I just knew my out was pass out. Like I've definitely taken too much. And he goes, two hours later, I wake up and I almost don't know who I am. And he goes, it literally was a scene out of like a prisoner of war, like torture thing where I just kept spelling my name over and over. spelling my name over and over. He goes, I was so unaware of my identity. Every single thing was relative. He goes, I was truly losing my mind and I just had to hold on to something. So I just, and I knew if I get out, like how long would I have to spell my name? And imagine other people hearing him. Undoubtedly, it was out loud or whispered. And what a crazy scene.

And the whole table, of course, had stories of when you've taken, when Gubbins took 100 milligrams by accident. Dude, when I did a show at Notre Dame University years ago, and I flew into Chicago into a snowstorm. Like, didn't know if the flight would make it in. Flight was severely delayed. And then we get to the runway, delayed again. And I hadn't had breakfast.

I got on the flight. There was no food on the flight. And I was like, fuck it. I'll land. I'll grab a burger. And then I'll go get my rent-a-car. Well, now I'm so late. the show is at 8 o'clock, and Notre Dame from Chicago is like a two-hour drive

with no traffic and no snow. And it is now, I have now landed, and it's 6 o'clock. And I haven't picked up my rent-a-car, and it's fucking snowing, like bad. So I forego the burger, I get in the car, and I start driving, and it's fucking snowing like bad so i forego the burger i get the i get in the car and i start driving and it is gridlock and i'm calling the school and i'm saying hey i'm running really late uh they're like it's okay we got an improv troop they're opening up for you we'll have them stretch so i'm so hungry i realize that the only food I have is an edible chocolate chip cookie in my bag.

An empty stomach. And I go, all right, I'm just going to have a nibble. I just need a fucking nibble. And so I take a nibble, and it was like I'd been a prisoner of war. I was so hungry. I felt like I'd just gotten out of Auschwitz, and like a GI was handing me chocolate. And so, obviously, long story short, I eat the the whole cookie i eat the entire fucking cookie and i'm driving and i start peaking as i finally get to the school i'm an hour and a half late it's

now 9 30 at night the improv troop has done every fucking freeze sketch every i you're in a Western and it's a candy cane desert. And, and so I pull up and the, and the snow is falling in giant flakes. And as I'm staring through the, uh, the streetlights and the snowflakes, I see touchdown Jesus, you know, on the, on the stadium, they've touched down Jesus and it's lit up and I get out of the car and I'm staring at it and I'm smiling and they're yelling, Jesus and it's lit up and I get out of the car and I'm staring at it and I'm smiling and they're yelling,

Greg, Greg, over here. So I run over. Is that you touched on Jesus? Touched on Jesus? Am I performing for you tonight? And so I run on stage and I've never performed high before and I'm out of my mind and I get up on stage

and I just threw my material away and I just started riffing and I was talking about airplanes and I was talking about pot cookies and and I did an hour and a half and I mean everything was connecting everything was transitioning call back it was like I was channeling comedy and I got a standing ovation and then I get off and my cousin my cousin's son was in the, uh, was in the audience and he comes up to me and he's like, Hey, cousin Greg. And he gives me a big hug. And I hung out with all his friends back in the dorm. It was fine. It was like the greatest night of my life. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I have to ask myself why it would be complete panic. Like if, if, if you told me you just ate a hundred milligrams,

cause on certain occasions I've taken five and gotten paranoid. That's how, I don't know if you want to say impressionable my mind is or weak or creative. I don't know what it is, but I do, I lose sense of myself. I think there's an admixture of probably paranoia shame definitely guilt control control for sure but so what is that control because the control isn't the fear it's a fear of losing control i know of what um i don't know but it's probably why i should do a mushroom therapy session uh there's also ketamine to something ketamine is also yeah i think that um i would do i i would do i gotta think it out because i'm either gonna do a big ayahuasca a big ketamine or a big mushroom trip yeah and i think ketamine is covered by insurance so maybe

i'll lean towards that one right neil brennan had really good luck with ketamine and so did uh duncan trussell it didn't work with neil it did not work i'm kidding i like giving neil shit um all right let's talk about let's talk about this week's logo. Melody Myers hit it out of the park. Jesus. Unbelievably beautiful logo. That looks like a poster at the Fillmore. It does. Yeah, that one.

And we got to give a shout out. Well, no, we'll give a shout out for the poster they made us next week because I want to actually hold it up to the screen. But they made this incredible poster of our first hundred shows or so oh wait i you want me to get it oh yeah yeah yeah go get it it's so nice and incredible they made two copies of it and if people don't know rob duke from generation kill and uh and melody myers who is his sexy young girlfriend i think she's younger than him or either that or he just looks really old for his age because he's lived like a fucking madman

but uh he just had me on his podcast i don't think my shirt will hold it i think his what is his podcast called uh yeah he wants us on there yeah i did it he wants you on now oh he wants me on there yeah angle it down a little bit more because there you go so that is the first hundred or so logos of the show framed with by the way maroon maroon framing and the mat i know nothing can be perfect yeah so uh yeah so we each got one of these. That's going on my wall. I guess Gibbs will put it in his closet somewhere, hang it on a hanger. I'm going to get a tattoo of it.

Yeah, but it was really very touching. Very touching effort. Yes. And, God, it's so sweet. So appreciative of it, and it really is cool um despite the maroon yeah and i you know i forgot so many of these and it's a it's a you know it's a testament to i i got i got overwhelmed when i saw it when i realized i saw them all together and the amount of effort and love that people put into sending us those over the last

couple years i was kind of overwhelmed because it's they're fucking beautiful there's some really beautiful ones in there right and it made me think why don't i put any effort into the podcast exactly the listeners are doing right i should meet them at least halfway uh our song was from lawrence tarpey uh good hard, rocking Sunday paper song. That definitely goes on the short list of songs that we might use as our permanent theme song. Corrections. Chris Dillman, a few weeks ago, I wrote you about the one joke that the editors of The Onion wouldn't print. Looks like we may have a case of the Mandela effect on our hands.

Both Gibbons and my wife remember the article actually being printed. However, I've searched Google and can find no evidence. I've tried messaging The Onion through their website, haven't received a response. But for now, it looks like it was never printed. Is that what the Mandela effect is? I thought the Mandela effect is when a black man is released from prison when he shouldn't be. And it's totally unexplainable.

Wow. What? What an interpretation. She let us go directly to Mike at Mike Gibbons. What an interpretation. Gibbons time. He broke the law, Greg. Did you ever read The Long Walk Home, his autobiography?

No, it has long on the title. I'm out. It's a long book. It is very rewarding. It's incredible. He had a little time to write it. He had a little time. Yeah, he did.

Actually, it's probably a bad joke because he got pretty busy the second that guy got out of prison. Yep. Also, from Hollywood Homer, the villain, Yep. Also from Hollywood Homer, the villain, the series ending for Ellen talk show was the same as the opening for the start of the talk show. It's on YouTube, the couch watching Ellen on TV. So I should know that since I was there, I'm sure I,

I was a part of thinking of that, but I just have blocked all of my ellen men people like people like now that it's off the air you can share all your memories there i need to take a mushroom trip so i can release my ptsd memories right exactly they're they're trapped up and protected and concealed from you um i thought the open of her show was uh giant, I don't know what the visual was, but completely denying she was a lesbian for the first two years. It was just men. It was just her ogling men. Just blowing two guys at once and then, oh, oh, let me start dancing.

Sorry. Here's one. We need to get our friend Tom O'Neill on the phone on this one there is a letter from somebody saying well let me get him on the phone and then we'll

read it yeah he's not going to be able to hear you Mike he never listens to me hold on let me put my ear things in hold me here comes grandpa okay grandpa so tell him he won't be able to hear me so you're not gonna be able to hear Mike it'll just be me Tom yeah so Tom O'Neill, if people don't already know,

is the author of the book chaos. And it is a story about Charles Manson. Wait, turn down, take me off speakerphone. And he constantly sends us video. Cause I'm getting an echo. Oh, I'm sure Tom will figure out this technology um all right that yeah that's fine so uh so tom is an expert on all things 60s and uh fbi and

conspiracy and he's not a conspiracy theorist He's a journalist who happens to intersect with a lot of stuff in the conspiratorial world. And has taken a journalistic approach to conspiracy theories. OK, that's what Mike just said. So here's a letter from somebody. We wanted to read it to you and get your feedback. Spent hours looking into the JFK assassination and can't get past. Hold on a second. And can't get past the first few paragraphs of any website these days without encountering Charles Harrelson. We talked about Charles last week. He is Woody Harrelson's father. We talked about Charles last week. He is Woody Harrelson's father. He is widely believed to be one of the so-called three hobos arrested in the rail yard behind the Texas School Book Suppository building behind the grassy knoll. luther king killing some people link him to the mysterious character raul that james earl ray said

was his contact in memphis all this stuff loops back on itself eventually but if you haven't been deluged by this stuff by now a very simple google search will reveal it um all right so what's your what's your take on that tom i don't remember hearing about the Martin Luther King connection I have heard a lot about the Kennedy assassination connection and I know that he was arrested for like his second or third murder he was a hitman for hire and at the third arrest after he'd already served two prison terms he told the police arresting him that he had killed the guy that he was suspected of then who was a federal judge and he also told them that he had

participated in the assassination of john f kennedy so i think that kind of sparked interest in him and but he later said he just said that because he was high on coke. But then conspiracy researchers have decided that he's one of the three hobos because of physical resemblance and because of connections he did have to people that they allege were involved in the assassination, intelligence people. Because he was from Texas. He was a hitman in the 60s at the time.

And I say 50-50 chance. And didn't you interview Woody Harrelson for a story once? Yeah, yeah. I did a cover story on him back in the 90s when he was promoting a movie called Larry Flint something about Larry Flint where he and Courtney Love played Larry Flint and his wife L.P. or something like that

so that's been a few days yeah so did you bring up his father I don't think I did I was not at all interested in that stuff I mean I did my research on him before and I knew about it, and I knew that every interview he'd ever done, he refused to discuss it. And he was a kind of tricky interviewer.

It took me like two days to win him over. You know, he was playing real hard-to-get in games. You know, he didn't really like doing that stuff, and he's kind of crazy. But once I earned his trust, I mean, really like doing that stuff, and he's kind of crazy. But once I earned his trust, I mean, I guess I could have. And maybe I did, but I'd have to find the story and go through it. I'm pretty sure I didn't, or if I did, I don't think he said anything significant.

Got it. Okay. Well, good. All right, well, thank you, Tom. Chaos Charles Manson and the secret history of the 60s ask him what's the motion picture soon that deal has now looked like it's falling through oh no what yeah i might be walking again oh my god tom what's? I think it's better off. It's better off as a miniseries anyway. It'll resell as a miniseries. Thank you.

Thank you, yeah. Yeah, so I'll let you know what happens. I'll keep you updated and maybe I'll see you guys soon. All right, we'll see you this week. All right, so long. Bye. Oh, that's too bad. Jesus.

What happened? He said the movie is falling apart. They're supposed to be making a movie about, a documentary with Errol Morris. Yeah, I was just going to say, are we allowed to say Errol Morris? Well, he's the biggest documentary maker in the last 30 years, and he was supposed to be doing his book.

He's top two of, you know. Who's number one? Top five. No, this is kind of like you. I'm not saying he's not number one. This is like you and your favorite clubs. Your second favorite club. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, right. You know, a lot of people think Werner Herzog is, there's, and then, God, I'm forgetting her name, who did the coal mining strike. God, it's how terrible of me. She's incredible. But anyway, top five documentarians of all time for sure i think errol morris yeah uh by the way are we gonna touch on the uh we're already running kind of late and we haven't done some stories yet but at some point we have to do

um gubbins's playlist he put together a playlist of the best first songs on first albums of bands of all time. And it was actually kind of provoked a lot of other people saying, hey, you forgot to put in Precious by the Pretenders or you forgot to put in Refugee by Tom Petty. Those are both yours. Well, that's what I told them. Holidays in the Sun, Sex Pistols. That wasn't on the list. And then today I saw The Cars. Dude, I know I've gone on a Cars rant before,

and it's mostly because I'm not like a Cars fan. There are 15 Cars songs we know the lyrics to. Yep. Their album, their first album is insane. It's crazy. The very first note. What was the song I sent you guys? Oh,

here it is. Here you go. You ready? This is the car's fucking first album. Good time. Good times roll out of the gate. Good times roll. My best friend's girl.

Just what I needed. Then there's a, I'm in touch with your world and don't you stop. Then you're all i've got tonight and bye bye love yeah five of those first seven songs are literally played on the radio every single week in this country yeah and i can and they were the first songs i learned on guitar they're they're real easy simple songs so today i I was like, especially if you crank like You're All I've Got Tonight, it's, there's, all right, they had a, I'm not going to go on about the car.

This is it. Five more sentences. They had like a retro sounding thing then. And what I realized today is they were like Buddy Holly met new wave and I wonder if that's ever been said about that's fair I like that there's almost like tinges of 50s you know like with the um my best friend's girl oh totally yeah there's like surfer rock in there yet incredible weirdness with the with the keyboards. Like, that is very new wave. And a little bit of a punk element, too.

Anyway. But Gubbins' list, I guess there's a lot of people that do this. And then there's other configurations. We won't get into it today, but if you guys want to start sending us suggestions this week, we'll bring it into the discussion next week. Send them to FitzDogRad radio at gmail.com first songs from first albums that you think will just basically ones that just announced to the world music has just changed a little bit or there's a new voice there's a new voice distinctive new language and voice that arrived on the scene right um okay Um, okay. Uh, let's get to, uh,

you know what I want to talk about is how much I used to dread the time and effort to fertilize my lawn. It's like on Sundays I spend 15 minutes. It's so easy. Sundays lawn care products are quick and easy. I don't have to go to the store it's delivered to my we couldn't do the podcast without it because we'd be busy worrying about our lawn and thinking about it and doing it and speaking of worry you don't want chemicals on your lawn i got two little dogs that i look i want them to die but not by eating fertilizer and uh they're they're fertilizer beautiful lawn it's made with seaweed iron molasses all organic beautiful stuff it's not all organic but there's organic type stuff uh if there's little spots uh they they um they everything gets fixed my lawn is looking better than ever and i did it myself

sunday makes it easy to diy your lawn with no guesswork, no unwanted chemicals. Your lawn is your life. Nothing puts you in a better mood than taking a look at a beautiful green lawn. They use the soil and climate data of your area to create a personal nutrient plan, and then they deliver it to you. They're made with your family in mind. So Sunday is offering our listeners 20% off. Full season plans start at, ready, $129.

And you can get 20% off when you visit getsunday.com slash papers at checkout. That's 20% off your custom plan at getsunday.com slash papers. Mike, why don't you read the Shady Rays points? Okay. Here we go. You ready? Where is it?

Oh, my God. I'm going to play dumb until you read it. All right, here's the deal. Sunglasses. Sunglass season is here, y'all. And there's no better option than our friends at Shady Rays. Shady Rays is an independent sunglasses company that offers a world-class product that's just as good as any expensive pair we've worn.

Durable frames and extremely clear polarized lenses for outdoor living and beyond. Greg, do you know what polar—this isn't a talking point, but do you know what polarized lenses are? No. You, in addition to other other benefits you can see through the water oh it cuts through glare i think it also pilots have them yeah because it cuts through glare right cut through the glare of a windshield all that stuff but you see much more clearly uh and i know it because all fishermen use them because you can actually see the trout that you're trying to catch and kill. And I need them. I need them for my career because the future is so bright. Yeah. Oh, that was the next talking point. So you already took that one out of my mouth. Um, so anyway, they're independent and that's not all shady rays offers

the most insane protection of all eyewear. Every pair is backed by a lost and broken replacements, which you don't get. If you break it on your own, you're not getting that from another company. Nope. So if you lose or break a pair, even on day one, they told us they will send you a brand new pair. No questions asked. I would ask some questions. How did you break it on day one?

You buffoon. Get as crazy as you want this summer and wear your shady rays with confidence. They also provide 10 meals to fight hunger in America. Kind of like when you sell your pins, Greg. That's right. Soldiers eat. They're doing good with the proceeds. And they've donated over

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Nice. Read Mike Gibbons. Very proud. What a pleasure. You gave me this amazing product to read quite honestly. Yeah. Why wouldn't you try them now? And,

uh, they sent me a pair and, uh, yeah, yeah. They fit. They fit they fit perfect you didn't get them no did you get both uh i just got them i got my they're really they're really good anyway all right let's get oh do we have paper to crinkle i don't sir i'm a little unprepared in that area i can go get paper you want me to to? Yeah, go get a paper Alright, I'll see you

I'll read the first story While you do that I guess I'll kill time While Mike is gone Hi everybody If you want to come see me Do some stand-up comedy This summer's not the time

I'm going low Laying low this summer I just worked from December Until now And now I'm going to laying low this summer i just worked from december until now and now i'm going to uh chill out focus on the podcast and do some uh vacationing all right are you ready for the first star you're did you talk to the listeners behind my back yes hold on oh my god i put my headphone in my water glass i hope hope it doesn't. This one. Jesus. My left one is soaking.

Holy shit. I threw it down. It went right in the water. Hey, talk. Can I hear you? Yes. Can you hear me? Nope.

Not out of that one. All right. But I can hear you out of this one. Oh, boy. This one? Oh, no. Look at that. I've done that.

I've done that. Oh, I think a lot of people can relate to that. All right. That's the first thing I'm doing with my phone if it's ever someone tries to confiscate. All right. Give me a crinkle. I got done that. I've done that. Oh, I think a lot of people can relate to that. All right. That's the first thing I'm doing with my phone if it's ever someone tries to confiscate. All right, give me a crinkle. Here we go. I got these two. Let's just use these first.

I got two of them. High tech. Here we go. Front page. There it is. Extra! Extra! We all have found it!

Extra! Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! Two people were rescued after falling into a tank full of chocolate. Do we need to go any further? At the Mars M&M factory in Pennsylvania Thursday, both patients were transported to the hospital and licked for hours by staff uh so one patient was transported by ground and one by helicopter the extent of their injuries is unknown fire crews have eliminated pulling them straight out of a tank uh they have they had to cut a hole on the side of the tank to

get them out it's unclear how the people fell into the chocolate tank it's unclear there's a tank full of chocolate you don't fall in you fucking dive in this is augustus gloop man that's the only thing i could think of yes so i forgot the guy's name i remembered augustus somehow i forgot gloop and uh that image of him stuck in the pipe when he fell into the river of chocolate in Willy Wonka. Yeah. Charlie and the Chocolate. I always messed up the title. So I looked it up and get this. The legendary Chocolate River was actually, quote, stinky water, as Michael Bolner, the 13 year old actor behind Augustus Gloop, put it, nearly all the performers reflected on the epic scene of Augustus' fall into the chocolate waves with unease and concern.

The consensus of everybody was relief that they didn't get stuck with that part in the script. So here's this. The river wasn't just stinky water. In addition to 150,000 gallons of water, cream, and chocolate, sorry, in addition to the water, cream and chocolate were swirled into the mix. The pungent smell wasn't in the air during the first day of filming, but it appeared later as the cream spoiled over the weeks of stewing. And as if the The stench...

As if the stench wasn't bad enough, folks on the set even were using the mixture as a dumping ground for their leftover morning coffee. Oh, my God. So I guess it was a really unpleasant experience, which Augustus captured, I think, in all his facial expressions. Well, I just looked up michael walner on michael

ballner on imdb and uh here's his list of acting credits willie walk in the chocolate factory and that's a wrap that'll be it he was traumatized yeah i think he was german and he turned out to be six foot seven but uh yeah i guess you you do that role and i don't know are people gonna ever see you as anything else i know right uh and plus still you know he's still he probably never got that stink off him we're gonna skip the story about abortions okay uh and go to this one a tractor trailer hauling a quarter of a million eggs crashed on a dallas freeway on monday spilling the scrambled mess of raw egg uh it happened at 4 a.m the big the the big rigs trailer which contained over 35 000 pounds of eggs was split open when the driver

struck the overpass bridge. Dummy. So, and that's Texas. So I would imagine by like 11 a.m., that shit was fried. There were probably fried eggs all over the side of the highway. Not slippery at all. And also because it was Texas, there was probably protesters showing up

because of all the aborted chickens. See, I got the abortion joke in. Everyone just shooting the eggs. What's funny about the egg story to me is somehow we're just going to pretend that the hearings in Washington are not happening with that footage. All these pussies would turn off our podcast if we talked about it. So we're not going to talk about it. We're going to talk about eggs on a highway. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. Now, this is a federal authority saying a man has been arrested in Charlotte, North Carolina, after he was stopped in the city's airport with more than 23 pounds of cocaine concealed in the seat cushions of a motorized wheelchair. I have a lot of questions. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers encountered the traveler as he was arriving from the dominican republic his answers didn't match up his physical purported handicap did not match up that was a telltale sign

that there was something suspicious it estimated street value of 378 000 yeah they also grew suspicious when he was pulling wheelies in the handicapped chair. What didn't add up? His four-foot-high seat? And that he wouldn't stop talking for 55 minutes about how it was

a normal seat and nothing there? Nothing there? Yeah. Why does he have a mirror in the basket of his little motor scooter? I'm sorry. 23 pounds of cocaine does not fit in a wheelchair seat. It's no way. 23 pounds.

By the way, 23 pounds seems like it would be worth a lot more than $378,000. Maybe that's what's adding up. He's like, he's probably like, sirs. Uh, yes. Full disclosure. I have $378,000 worth of cocaine. Uh, thousand dollars maybe that's what's adding up he's like he's probably like sirs uh yes full

disclosure i have 378 000 worth of cocaine uh it's uh 23 pounds and they're like this doesn't add up sorry we have to take a look because you have no i you're really bad at math are you a dealer yeah uh why wasn't it up his ass i'd like to see 23 pounds of cocaine. I'd like to see that process. No, I wouldn't. But yeah, there's something off about this math, I think. I mean, somebody do the math who understands the metric to pound conversion, because it seems to me that that would be worth many millions of dollars. I also never thought about how drug dealers have just stuck to the metric system. Yes. It's interesting.

It is. I mean, we're the idiots. Like, hey, here's a beautiful system based on tens. Now we're going to go with 12. Right. Or 16. Oddly 16 when it comes to weight. We got this temperature thing where zero is freezing and a hundred is boiling.

Nah, we're going to go 32 and two 12. It's insanity. Yeah. We just like, like resent. Was it our ego? No,

no. You're not going to tell us how to measure. We're going to come up with a very complicated system that we're going to force on our people yeah um drug dealers are like even high i'm like no thank you a missouri woman was awarded a 5.2 million dollar settlement against her ex boyfriend's car insurance company story is extraordinary after she claimed that she got a sexually transmitted disease from him after they had sex in his 2014 hyundai genesis which by the way set the record first person to actually get laid in a hyundai genesis yeah i don't know how the genesis is

even like what wait what are you guys doing you're not supposed to do that before you're supposed to do yeah the woman told the insurance company her intention to seek monetary damages and alleging she contracted hpv uh so she said that she that he had throat cancer uh a tumor and was diagnosed with hpv yet he continued to have unprotected sex with her knowing the risks which by the way means he was performing oral sex on her and uh and gave it to her through his mouth so did she sue him for being too generous a lover right i'm not i'm not following this i know how about just thank you yeah exactly without a lawsuit so um you so anyway uh if that's the case i'm gonna sue the dugout at sleepy hollow

high school because i picked up some crabs from lisa benson in 1983 oh please tell me it's a fake name please yeah it's a fake name uh honestly this story is crazy to me. Geico must have been livid. Like, here's their new insurance policy when you're, like, signing up for it. Are you 16? Do you have a valid driver's license? Do you eat pussy? You got to be three for three on this. Yes, yes, and no.

Do you eat passenger seat pussy so what is covered in the card that i mean it had nothing to do with operating a motor vehicle well they're saying that normally like um like usually anything any injury as a result of collision slamming the door on one's fingers that sort of thing is covered. So being a generous lover is also covered if it takes place in the vehicle. You're going to have to ensure the handicap stalls in every dive bar in America. Well, how about, wouldn't Geico be terrified of every conversation in the car? Like, all right, listen, attention. Nobody break up with their girlfriend.

No hurting feelings. Nobody tell their kids they were adopted in our car? Like, all right, listen, attention. Nobody break up with their girlfriend. No hurting feelings. Nobody tell their kids they were adopted in our car. Yes. Okay? We will not. No more brothers giving dead arms in the back seat. Right. Are you kidding?

Yes. What about, Greg, all the times you self-soothed on the mass pike to try to keep yourself awake? Oh, that's a hefty lawsuit. Hefty lawsuit. That's self-abuse by definition. You could be collecting tons of money. Yeah. Cars are now a safe space.

They're a safe space. Unbelievable. Or a bad song comes on the radio and offends me. What's the worst song? Everybody Wang Chung tonight. That's what I tell people People's like oh my god I got this song in my head I'm like I'll fix it

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight I'm like you're welcome Good luck getting that out of your fucking head I think mine is Kokomo by the Beach Boys Oh my god that's an atrocity And I think it's because I respect the Beach Boys so much That I hate the song that much more that they made it. Worst songs of all time.

I mean, there are a lot of them. But the key is they have to have been really popular. Oh, Su Su Studio. Yeah. I just wanted to slice my wrist every time it came on. What about if you like pina coladas and making love in the rain? Nope. I like it. What? You know that story. I mean, it's a cheating story. time it came on what about if you like pina coladas and making love in the rain nope i like

it what you know that story the crap i mean it's a cheating story they're both cheating on each other and then they find each other oh yeah yeah yeah you know yeah i think you know that is that barry madelow no no no it's a total yacht rock Um, and then it's amazing to me how many people don't know I'm turning Japanese is about masturbation. And I told my girls that to like, dad, no, like dad, you can't. Cause I didn't use my hands up here. I did oddly use my hands with the masturbation gesture downstairs while telling my girls this. But what I did was, I'm like, no. And like, what do you mean? This doesn't make sense. And I'm like,

and then they forced me. So I was like, because he's squinting, which also I've never thought about why, why we just accept that you're squinting while you're masturbating. Yeah. But you do maybe because you feel so good. I don't know what's going on there. But a whole song is predicated on that. You know, the other masturbation song is, I don't know. I probably do. What? By the who?

Pictures of Lily. Oh, Pictures of Lily. Yeah. And then Rosie Palm, right? Isn't that another one maybe? Stroke Me, Stroke Me by Billy Idol. And you know the band, this isn't necessarily masturbation, but the band 10CC, that's the average measurement of an ejaculation.

Again, the precise metric system. Yes. With a nice round number of 10. 10CCs, man. Sometimes it feels like 11 if I haven't done it a few days. Did they name their band.0672 ounces? No, they didn't. Good news for gubbins. Here we go, new section.

Okay, I put this in there. It was going to be a Florida man, but it reminded me too much of Gubbins. An argument between two Florida men on the green of a golf course over etiquette led one of them to face a battery charge. Richard Randall, and this is the important part, 77, entered a not guilty plea for his alleged crime against his 84 year old friend that's us soon deputies spoke to a man who was playing golf with both randall and the friend around the fourth hole the man said the two began arguing which was something they reportedly did often the affidavit said the friend told randall who was standing on the green near the hole, to move, to which Randall replied saying he knew the etiquette of the game. They continued to argue, the report stated, and the friend reportedly flipped off Randall.

Randall then approached his friend and reportedly said, do that again and I will hit you. The friend flipped him off again. And that's when Randall punched him in the face. Punched the 84 year old in the face who fell to the ground. And deputies say the victim was taken to the hospital with a visibly swollen bruise on the side of his face. Randall was arrested. Get this. So he was arrested and charged of battery on a person 65 years or older.

So Gubbins has broken a putter. charged of battery on a person 65 years or older. Oh, shit. So Gubbins has broken a putter. How far did he throw it when he broke it? 30 yards. And hit a tree? Hit a tree. It broke in half, and we were playing for money, so he played the rest of the round with the broken bottom half of his putter.

You didn't lend him a putter because those are the rules? Yep. Etiquette. I know the etiquette just like this guy did. Govans, by the way, would have demanded the money that he was owed from the guy. If he if he was winning the bets, he would have demanded the money before the ambulance took the guy away. Right. Right. So we go back to the story for a second. so we'll go back to the story for a second is the the battery of a person over 65 years old shouldn't that maybe change when the guy hitting him is 77 like in other words it's sort of like

the stat he's grandfathered in yeah well you know like what statutory rape they have the romeo and juliet law which is because like two teens having sex, there's many situations where statutory rape seems inappropriate in that case. And by the way, I don't think they should call it the Romeo and Juliet law because that law would protect the right of star-crossed lovers and their double suicide. That's what that law would really protect. I don't think they should throw that title around. Right, right. Let's find a happier ending. Yeah, please.

Now, that makes sense. Old men fighting, by the way. I mean, if the UFC could get a senior division, how fucking cool would that be? I saw this. You can find these fights online from russia and they do all these kinds of like group fights where it's like five on five and i saw one where it was a father and a son against another father and a son and the father was like he looked like he was 70

75 years old it was awesome what's refreshing is Googling Russia fight and you're not seeing them take out a whole Ukrainian city. You're just seeing a bunch of drunks in a cage. Right, right. But, yeah, clearly this law is protecting someone like you or me who can punch the shit out of someone 65 years or older. It's protecting that. Meanwhile, let's not kid ourselves.

A lot of 65-year-old dudes can crush us. Let's do some entertainment. I just saw the documentary, The Rescue, which is on Apple Plus. I've got to see it, but do I want to? Yes, you do want to. It's about this Thai soccer team. There was 12 kids and a coach that were trapped in a cave.

And it came out a while ago, so I'm just seeing it now. Yeah, we talked about it. We talked about the incident, I think, when it happened, and we also talked about... So, yeah, I won't beat it to death, but I saw it and I was very, very disturbed because I have claustrophobia. And my worst nightmare, like George Orwell 1984 nightmare, is having to go through small crevices blindly. through small crevices blindly. These guys went through like a mile and a half of underground caves,

squishing themselves through openings to get there with a river running against them. They were swimming against the current. It was so cloudy and dirty, they couldn't see in front of their own faces. They had to feel their way up in freezing cold water a mile and a half. And then they got there and they miraculously found these kids who hadn't eaten in like 10 days. And they were sitting in like a little beach area within the cave and shitting and pissing for 12 days in this water.

I have no idea how they even survived. Um, and to get them out, they had to actually, um, anesthetize them. They had to, they, they brought in a guy who was an anesthesiologist and he put them under, and then they dragged their limp bodies through these crevices, meaning they had on masks and oxygen tanks. And if they had hit the side of their head on a rock and it dislodged the mask, they're dead. They're dead. It's over. And it took three and a half hours to take.

And they took three kids at a time because they only had three divers that were qualified to do this. They took three kids at a time over three days or four kids at a time over three days. And it's the most inspiring, incredible documentary. It's what every documentary aspires to be. Was the goalie fat not by the time they rescued him everybody lost a few pounds in that cave it's like steve you're you're gonna go last okay it's quite an honor because boy are you gonna get the biggest applause uh on the other side when you're the last one out. Okay. Stay away from the energy bars that we just brought in here.

Right now. They took the kids in order of who lived the furthest away because the idea was then that they were going to each stop at the other kids' houses and tell the families they were going to be okay. That. All right. You had me tell that detail. There's what?

That sounds like the worst idea ever. I know it wasn't well you're not waiting for your team you're waiting for your team when you get out are you insane no they were taken away in ambulances they were in terrible condition when they got out they didn't just go party their fucking asses off like i'm out give me chocolate sundaes till fucking forever i want to dive into the augustus glute pool where's the chocolate pool um didn't a diver die one diver died yeah he was a you know they they have navy seals in thailand and these guys are like you know they're really fucking good but they were not equipped for cave diving they didn't understand i don't want to spoil didn't't a British dude steal the show? There was a British dude who was like, he's a cave, they call them cavers.

And they cave dive, you know, recreationally, but they do it very seriously. And he was the guy that had to come in and say to all these Navy SEALs, step aside. These guys couldn't get anywhere near these kids. But the British guys knew exactly what they were doing they had the right equipment and they were they saved the day and they ended up running the operation the operation which by the way involved like 10 000 people helping because they had to stem the flow there was a fucking monsoon happening so they had to stem the the water from flowing into the cave so they had thousands of people literally taking pails and emptying the ponds that were above the cave and redirecting the water with pipes.

And it was crazy. No matter how you look at this story, it is the best version of men coming from all over the world to Thailand for little boys. It's just the best version of that story I've ever heard. Yeah, they were disappointed when they got all the way up into the cave, found the boys, and they had no tits, just penises. Do we have to wait till they transition before we get them out of this thing? Oh, my God. And put on your mask, not a new phrase, for men traveling from all over the world to see boys in Thailand. Yeah, they gave them the oxygen tank and $20 US, which was weird.

All right. What are they going to do with cash? Way to ruin the best story ever. Okay. All right. Let's talk about the big story. Justin Bieber. Yeah.

I want to be careful because this is sad. I watched his video. So Justin Bieber announced on his social media that he has facial paralysis due to a disease called Ramsey-Hunt syndrome. Maybe it's a syndrome, not a disease. And he announced he's taking a break from performing because of the paralysis on one side of his face. So in the video posted on his Instagram, the singer explained that the syndrome has left him unable to move and he walked you through it. Here was the weird thing for me. And this is not a joke. When I was watching him. God, I swear I'm not joking.

I'm like, oh, that is messed up. And I was talking about the side of his face that was working because this is how it presented. how it presented the frozen part of his face. His eyes was wide open and unblinking and kind of looked normal because he wasn't laughing or animated or anything. And you could tell his left side when you were looking at it was the right as you're looking at it, that that side was trailing off a little like a stroke victim. You know what I mean? Like it was a little, but actually that was the side of his face that could move but when he would blink it would be this bizarre slow blank um while the other eye didn't blink so i actually i had it switched i guess that's why i'm not a a doctor of these syndromes but the poor guy man um i don't know if it could be permanent i don't know what's going on

there um people i don't know when i hear his music i also become paralyzed because it's so great and diuretic okay um anyway why doesn't he just pull a c and wear a mask over his face? Right. Cancel your tour. Yes. There's solutions here. He didn't mention like what the outlook was, what the prognosis was. Is he supposed to, does it take months? Can it happen in a couple of days? Like I didn't really get what they,

and, and is it a condition that will stay with him? How about kiss face paint where you can, with the paint animate one side of your face that needs right i bet bill cosby wants to wants wants him to give him a blow job that's how did you make it to there i don't know i try to get cosby in every episode it's in my contract okay here we go florida man all right Okay, here we go. Florida, man. All right.

So we mentioned up top, we hung out with Andrew. His name's Andrew Hobson. Go try to find him on social media. He's so funny. So he was in Florida with Bert Kreischer and that's where Bert's from, Florida, by the way. And he says, there's a slogan down there now that's like on t-shirts and stuff. And the slogan is make America, Florida, which killed me. I think that's happening, isn't it? And I am wondering if we change our category, Florida man to to Make America Florida. I like it. Let's do it. I'm proposing it.

I think we should try it out. Well, as the only other member of Sunday Paper. Oh, no, Chris Denman. By the way, Chris Denman is not with us this week. He also produces a podcast for Sherri Shepherd and who's the other woman? I know. I should know. They're very funny. They're very funny.

They're very funny. And they're doing a live podcast in L.A. this weekend. So Chris can't be here. And then he's also, I think there's a march against LGBTQ at four. So he's on top of that as well. He's also shuttling into Washington to stop the hearings. So he's got a full plate. He's got a big week, big weekend.

All right, here's our Florida or our Make America Florida story. Fort Lauderdale, two people inside an SUV. This is a very similar story to Geico. Two people inside an SUV were discovered naked, naked after a crash between the vehicle and a FedEx truck. At the time of the crash, the woman inside the SUV was performing oral sex on the male driver, according to the Fort Lauderdale Fire Rescue,

who responded to the scene. The driver of the SUV sustained injuries to his private area due to what was going on at the time of the crash. And the report says the two people in the FedEx truck, I'm assuming they were naked also, also sustained minor injuries. So Geico is, of course, shitting their pants.

And only in Florida is the woman completely naked when she's performing Roadhead. What is that about? Right. Yeah. That's commitment. That's commitment to a blowjob. Yeah. Yeah. That's going all the way. I mean, they're questioning by police. So, like, all right. It's commitment. That's commitment to a blowjob. Yeah. Yeah. That's going on by police. So like, all right. It's still not adding up. So you he asked for a blowjob while he's driving and you strip naked.

Yes. Was there were you guys going to pull over or no? Were you going to know? So that's just how you roll when you're. Yeah. When you're performing oral sex. That's like our friend John Sorellilli who puts on a full Mets uniform to watch the game on his couch at home. You never know when he's going to be called in. Yeah. I think so. Apparently his dick got injured. They said that was one of the injuries. And so and I wonder if also the FedEx driver's dick fell out of the gatorade bottle because he's peeing they're always peeing a gatorade bottle exactly they did a big story

about that um and also some lady in fort lauderdale got a fedex package with semen splashed across the front of it it traveled across the car into the truck why were there two people in the FedEx truck? I didn't think to question that. Yeah. You don't see that a lot. No. I think there's shenanigans there too.

Yep. I think this, I think the FedEx truck saw a woman so committed to her task that she was naked and they smashed into them to get a closer look yeah i think that's maybe what happened i think the guy getting ahead was driving perfectly safely it's the fedex truck that was distracted by the image we were driving me and aaron were driving home on no did i ever tell you this story do i want to hear this? We're driving down Ocean Avenue. Literally, I'm not making this up in front of your house.

Now I just told people what avenue you live on. And we got to a red light, and I look over, and there's a guy next to us in a sports car, and there's a head bobbing up and down in his lap. And I slap Aaron on the shoulder, and I pointed at him. And he looks over at us us and we look at him and I'm just expecting, give me a smile, give me a thumbs up, something, nothing. He just looks straight ahead and she kept on pumping and then the light turned green. And you're like, why not us? Huge fight on the way home. It's everywhere we look. When was the last time we did this?

It's not like you got to take all your clothes off. Just a little road smoke. Right. This isn't Florida yet. I don't think I've ever gotten a blowjob while I was driving. Get out of here. What? Oh, no, I have. Yeah, I have. I have. You masturbate in commercial, I have. Yeah, I have. I have.

You masturbate in commercial airliners. Yeah. That's right. And private. Wow, yeah. Do we want to do this Orlando girl? No, we can skip. We did enough Florida's America.

What is it again? Make America Florida. Make America Florida. All right, let's do some sports. Deshaun Watson. Oh, sorry, go ahead. Hold on. I mean, how are you even reading it if we haven't gotten to this section? Deshaun Watson met at least 66 women for massages over a 17 month period far more than previously known he had help from the houston texas including non-disclosure

agreements in making appointments more than two dozen women have said the football player harassed or assaulted them during the massage appointments uh his what his lawyers insist they were innocuous he has gotten another job i guess he left there he just signed a five-year 230 million dollar fully guaranteed contract to play for the cleveland browns as quarterback so um you know i guess he's, he's a great quarterback. He's really into handoffs and snaps. Meanwhile, Geico's like, please tell us this did not happen on the tour bus, on the team bus, please. He certainly is an offensive player or offensive player. There it is. I don't know.

It's awful of me to say, but are you expecting you know like and i whatever we don't know the details of the case because abuse also could be you know just verbally being like come on like that's abuse i think you know i'm not justifying it popping an erection is abuse right i mean but you can't always control that during a massage popping in a you think that's abuse i think it is i think it could be taken as abuse if i was a masseuse and a guy just got an erection i would fucking leave the room immediately yeah but it's involuntary although i will say if you're like standing at the fence looking at a schoolyard playground and you get one, then you're talking. I'm on your side there.

Right, right. But I guess he found these women. He would go on, I don't know, some social media and he would find women. They weren't necessarily all professional masseuses, I believe. So the whole story is, it needs to be a documentary. There's a lot going on. Yeah, 66 episodes. All right, let's talk more about golf because people love golf.

And I'm sure they get so excited when we focus on it so much. I don't understand this issue. So I am all ears because this is actually very, is interesting which i never say about story this is changing there has been you know the the pga big disruption and uh i didn't realize that they're supposed to be exclusive to their league but i guess uh two more big champions bryson DeChambeau and Patrick Reed, are leaving the PGA Tour for the new LIV Golf Invitational Series. A bunch of other people have left. Greg Norman, Ricky Fowler.

And Saudi Arabia is behind it. This is a Saudi Arabian league. So 16 players have left. is behind it. This is a Saudi Arabian league. So 16 players have left. Dustin Johnson and the PGA has warned the players that they would face stiff penalties for competing in the rival circuit.

And the tour issued another statement saying as much again last week. So it's the Saudi Golf League and it's much bigger money. There's bigger payoffs. there's no cuts there's a lot of things about the pga players don't like that they change in this league the first place is like four million dollars uh last place is death by dismemberment sorry i didn't know you were going there did you read the signing bonus one of them there was some text tweet sorry a tweet one of them with the signing bonus and all that is making 200 and like whatever is millenials mickelson's getting 200 million dollars

and i think it was someone else though and it is more than all of Tiger's PGA prize money added up. No shit. Wow. For of all time. Yes. Damn. In this one tournament he's doing. So what is your take?

Like, you know, we played. I won't mention who it was, but one of the people play played golf with is like, he was like disgusted by it. He thinks it's the biggest money grab ever and that it's for this terrible regime. That's the thing that really rubs a lot of people and that Mickelson was caught talking about the Saudis and said they were evil people. And yet at the same time, he's taking their money.

I think it's especially going to be tough. They have a tournament that they're going to play on 9-11, and it's in New York, and there's just 19 players, and they're shooting at two holes, very tall flags. No Jews at the event. And right now I guess there's some Saudis in Florida that are not golfers but are taking taking golf lessons, not putting just driving. Well, so here, listen, I don't have a full understanding of the issue,

but one can generally say the evil Saudis that I think they're talking about don't exist without America. that I think they're talking about don't exist without America. One could make some arguments that we had a huge hand in creating these incredibly despicable leaders. And by the way, what can Saudi Arabia do that would make America blank? Fly planes into buildings? Nope. 100% free pass. Yep pass yep killing all those americans free pass dismembering a journalist from the washington post in the turkish embassy not a fucking thing right and so and let's talk about the pga tour with its jewel, the Masters. I looked up the Masters. First played in 1934.

Admitted no African-American members until 1990. And no women until 2012. So they got some things right. The club banned black golfers from the Masters tournament until Lee Elder participated in 75. But here is what I read today, and I had never heard about it. The Masters required all caddies to be black until 1983. Sorry, get fucked.

That's crazy. This rule was so enforced that co-founder and longtime Masters chairman Clifford Roberts was once quoted saying, quote, they're sticking with the name, the masters. Are you, and it's built on a plantation. Are you fucking kidding me? Just the lack of self-awareness. It's like truly, you think there would be like a cafe Gestapo, like a little coffee shop in Germany. You think they would fight fight even if it's unrelated they're just naming it no you get rid of the fucking name yeah it wasn't its original

name by the way and they're like just go back to its original name right anyway if you think the pga is above reproach which is my whole point you're fucked and um and it's all a money grab who are we kidding even the pga is a money grab well most of the pga players are kind of douchey i mean they play they play golf with trump and you know they're they're they're well whatever people know our politics are probably a little different than the most of the pros on the tour just a bunch of fucking white guys that grew up rich at country clubs. Right. And, you know, I mean, Tiger is the exception.

There's not a lot of people that, like, grew up poor and became professional golfers. All right, let's get out of here. I just think there, listen, there is a lack of self-awareness if you're just looking at it as a black and white issue, so to speak, like an easy issue where, oh, it's a money grab from an evil empire.

It's so much more complicated than that. Yeah. And I'm sure I'm missing some of it, but everything I said is also in play. Let's skip down to this day in history. Okie doke, fella. Hold on. I'll tell you what yesterday was two days ago in history finally the stock market's crashing oh yeah all right go ahead it's crashing hard just as my broker called me three days ago and said hey let's go more aggressive he's the worst he was well he put it this way i guess the way to look at it is

he got very lucky for 10 years everybody did right but no he kept saying more and more when i was and i was like yeah this is come on isn't this enough i mean did you see where the stock market was like not that long ago this is totally inflated all right go ahead go ahead. In 1994, on June 12th, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were murdered. OJ Simpson's ex-wife and her friend Ron Goldman are brutally stabbed outside her home in Brentwood. It was the most highly publicized trial of the century. Overwhelming evidence against him, including a prior record of domestic violence towards brown oj became the chief suspect although he agreed to turn himself in he escaped with his friend ac cowlings in his white ford bronco on june 17th he was carrying a passport a disguise and

8 700 in cash the car was spotted refused to surrender threatening to kill himself he led police in a low speed chase through the freeways of los angeles as the entire nation watched on television eventually he gave himself up at his home in brentwood do you where were you for the chase everybody knows where they were for the oj simpson chase the that guy liked getting inside white things man it just occurred to me um i remember vividly i was watching the new york knicks and they in our picks were in the playoffs yeah they interrupted the goddamn game yep and i was furious till i wasn't that furious anymore i'm like what the fuck's going on are you is there

a way to show both keep showing both please they did They did a split screen. Yes. And I remember watching it. I was at the Friars Club, and we were watching the next game in the Milton Berle room. And then it came on, and it was just like all these old Jews just in a circle around the TV. It was hysterical. I mean, how did that not end in a gunshot? It was so anticlimactic at the end. All the broadcasters were worried that you would hear that from inside the car. Yeah.

And I guess Cowlings was begging him not to. I don't know the details, but I do remember vividly watching that game and that coming on. Yeah. I mean, it's so crazy. game and that coming on. Yeah. I mean, it's so crazy. You know, you read a line in there that I never really weighed, which of course I've thought a lot about his domestic, but it was such a layup that he was guilty with no record of spousal abuse. You know what I mean? Yeah. The blood, all the fishy, the fleeing that like all of that stuff um so and then how is the deal not sealed once you bring up you know the history of her being terrified and how abusive and incredibly

violent he was i've heard from him yeah i've heard from a number of people he had a serious cocaine problem and when people think about the barbarity i mean she was beheaded i mean they were stabbed i forget how many times but it was a out of control person that did this emotional yes and that he uh yeah he was a big coquette he was out of his mind yeah so uh uh it reminds me a little delight in the mood. Someone we were talking about how efficient Jeselnik's jokes are. Yes. And someone goes, I've been looking for two years for my wife's killers, but I can't get anyone to do it.

That's great. Yeah. That's so funny. So let's do some letters to the editor, Mike. You got it, Pally. There it is. Here we go. We hear from you.

We talk to you. This is from Lisa, the waitress. Hey, Sunday Papers fellas. Love the show and it makes me happy to wake up on Sundays. we hear from you we talk to you this is from lisa the waitress uh hey sunday papers fellas love the show and it makes me happy to wake up on sundays it's my first day off of the week and i'm always extra grouchy until i hear you anyway the objectively grouchy on your day off all right go ahead she must not like her job she's a waitress oh she loves her job so she's bummed she has a day off i got it so anyway the objectively best song is song is Tony Cacase's song from the Halloween show. I always forget how to say his name.

He's given us so many great songs. But there was one from the Halloween show last year, episode 87. It's a little shoegazy and mellow, but so were the theme songs for Taxi and Mash Right? Yeah, Taxi, written by Not Mangione, was it? No, it was written by Bob He was from my town

The cab going over the bridge And all that It was a very Welcome Back Cotter In terms of the visuals, not the song That's very sweet yeah so we the waitress so we are winding down we've got i don't know if we have any songs left at this point so it's time for us to pick our theme song what right now not right now but in the next week or two oh good good So if you have any that you loved,

send them in. We already have a short list and we're going to pick a permanent theme song so we can avoid copyright infringement issues that have arisen, arisen. I think arisen. Dear Greg and Mike, haven't heard from Joanne in a while. Wanted to make sure she's still got a crush on you guys.

I know we still do. Take it ease.onson uh yeah jo joanne has been oddly quiet lately and yeah she moved on to is she listening to uh uh pete holmes is she now in love with bert and tom segura what is happening What is happening? I feel abandoned. I feel abandoned. So, yeah. Let's do an obituary. Oh, all right. Joanne.

Is this Joanne? Did you just... Is that how you're storytelling this? Oh, my God. And that's all, folks. Joanne's dead. Fan of Sunday Papers dies brutally wait a minute with a dick in her mouth got hit by a ups truck totally naked uh andre gulen hers her scov vichy her scov vichy was a belgian teacher

who hid hundreds of jewish children during during the Holocaust, saving them from concentration camps. She was teaching at a girls' school. When they invaded Belgium, her students were forced to sew yellow stars on their school uniforms, and she soon noticed those same girls beginning to disappear from school. Aware that the Jewish girls were being deported to concentration camps, peer from school. Aware that the Jewish girls were being deported to concentration camps, Julin Herskovitchi became involved with the Committee for the Defense of Jews. Through the committee, she worked to find hiding places with sympathetic families for more than 300 Jewish children, many of whose parents were captured shortly after their children

were hidden away. She put herself at great risk. At one point, her school was raided and the headmistress was sent to a concentration camp where she was later killed. After the war, Whoa. Whoa. among the nations an honor given to non-jews who risked their lives to save jews from the holocaust and she was made an honorary citizen of israel whoa yeah i think when they found her story and schindler's they were like okay schindler's list or gulang her skiffy she she's list you know what it's schindler we're going with schindler. Yeah, yeah. Schindler. Yeah, she, I mean, it's just- But 300 children. Are you kidding me? I mean, you think about really affecting, a human being affecting other human beings

in life. I mean, what a legacy. That's incredible. That is incredible. Wow. And that I don't even, I've never even heard of this. Yeah. She was 100 years old.

That seems to be the age people go like, hey, you know what? I want my obituary to be perfect. Not just I saved 300 kids. I'm going to cash out at exactly 100. You know, because the metric system, it's a prized number. Yes. What am I going to die at? Two hundred and twelve?

No. Yeah. No, not at all. Eighty four point six. No, you're not. Eighty four. I don't know. I was doing ninety ninety eight point six.

That's interesting. I wonder if the metric system dealt with that. What's more universal than the than the human body temperature i think 27 degrees is the is the human body temperature in celsius no way it's a round number of course hold on i'm gonna check right now wait 27 degrees seems a little low well google uh it's 37 degrees 37 degrees celsius yeah wow see god damn it uh let's do some funnies done i gotta remember do i have one picked out go ahead caller okay loretta is sitting at the piano boy she's having a good time she's smiling foot is stomping on the pedal uh meanwhile leroy is sitting on the couch with another guy and he goes if leroy played in the forest

and there was nobody there or here, would it still be annoying? That's just fucking cruel. That is, look at her. It's like her one joy. They're either paying bills, or they're at a restaurant with a surly waiter, or they're at marriage therapy, and here she is, she's found her fucking, her once happy place

and he shits on her that's great uh and in the next one they're sitting at a party people are in the background eating and drinking they're on the couch uh leroy is looking at his watch as loretta yawns and he says i'm calling at loretta party time of of death, 8.57 p.m. That's a good one to remember. That's a good line. I'm going to do that at a party at some point. That is, yeah, yeah, yeah, the exact time. I'm going to have that in my pocket.

And now let's do a little Hager the Horrible. Can't wait. Hager, who is horrible, is there with his wife, Helga helga and his daughter i can't remember her name and the daughter says what's the worst thing you ever did in an argument with dad and she says 15 years ago i threw a dish daughter says mom that's nothing and hagger says my lasagna was on that dish uh and then the the comic then continues the daughter says to hagger what's the worst thing you've ever done and he says well i rape pretty regularly and i kill lots of people meanwhile i'm looking for a charles i mean there's so many but anyway okay so this week's

charles adams woman is walking her stroller. He's just so dark. And for this time, I would love to see the year. It's the 50s, I think. But you can see this woman walking with her stroller. I don't know if you can see it. I have to find a better system. I'll take pictures in the future. But there's the one with the stroller.

And her stroller has a cage over it. Yeah. And all the other mothers and parents are looking. But it's just one dark so many of them are about killing your spouse yeah yeah it's right it's so incredible was he married do we know if he was uh unhappily divorced or something i will look i will look up the charles adams story yeah which will be fascinating no matter what. But so much of it is about that. Let's round it out with a little Blondie,

which, by the way, I got to tell the author, it's Blondie. The comic strip is not called Dagwood. Stop putting five of the seven strips of the week with him in his office nobody fucking cares yeah it would be like it would be like three's company and it's all about jack what's jack doing today i don't give a shit about jack yeah where are the boobs so he's reading the newspaper he's at the breakfast table she's sitting there with a uh a tight ass uh lime

green sweater on which complements her yellow hair beautifully she's got her her her bowling pin calves are crossed over each other wouldn't you be looking at that you're sitting there in the morning you're two feet away from her he's got a newspaper over his face and he goes arg grumble grumble og seriously enough is enough dear and then she says dear you know you shouldn't read the news while you eat breakfast if it's going to upset you and then he looks at her and he goes news i was reading the comics how many times can beetle let sarge push him around are we gonna get meta at this point? Yeah, what's going on there? I mean, I wonder if Beetle Bailey is sitting around saying,

how is this fucking cuck? How is this nothing allowed to be with this woman? I'm in an army barracks jerking off in the shower, hoping that the fucking sergeant doesn't see me this guy has full access to this beautiful woman and he's reading he's reading my comic if it's gonna go mad it shouldn't have been like news i'm reading our comic strip how am i not inside of you look at us every week and then all these that were i'm in my office what i am not bending you over your your your kitchen table what's happening here is this comic strip about a homosexual

i mean look are you you have to be thinking the same thing right like or how are you even tolerating how many Are you fucking herb You gotta be fucking herb Anyway listen folks We appreciate you listening We appreciate you supporting our sponsors Don't forget Go to GetSunday.com

Slash papers To get 20% off your lawn care And also you're gonna go to ShadyRays.com And use code paper For 50% off two plus pairs of polarized sunglasses. Yeah, why not? And I'm calling them. I got to get a pair.

We want to thank Midcoast Media. We'll have Chris Denman back next week. But we want to thank Key and Beth and Chris for doing a great job as always. Yep. And Mike, we'll see you. You didn't have bad internet today no this this hotel wi-fi is really strong bakersfield yeah when are you back when are you back uh back uh i may leave tonight after the shows or i may stay in the hotel we'll see how i'm feeling

are we seeing chris if i uh let me text him Maybe we can meet up for coffee on Sunday. Yeah. And otherwise, uh, let's play some golf this week. The incredibly racist sport. Uh, yeah, I,

not our course. Our course is, uh, very diverse. We get all kinds of players out there. It is an incredibly diverse course, but you know, maybe let's try an of players out there. It is an incredibly diverse course. But, you know, maybe let's try an early morning out there so the whole day, even though it's only nine holes, the whole day is not shot.

We'll do like an 830. Yikes. Okay, we'll look into it. All right. All right, we'll see you later. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-h. Take it easy. Take it printing room, some blues. Just us, half-noughts and a juice. Mike and Greg who built some capers. Every week on the Sunday Papers. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Papers.