Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 12 5/24/20

Episode Date: May 24, 2020

On this week's Sunday Papers, hot hand sanitizer is bursting into flames, and Hitler's personal alligator has died. Mike quotes 70s Hollywood Squares icon Paul Lynde. Plus, Greg has a new, green wall (so please mess with him).

Read all about it. Welcome to the Sunday Papers. Today, May 24th. It's a Sunday, Mike. Oh my God, it's really Saturday. Do we pull back the curtain that far and tell them? Well, we've got to tell them a lot of things. Anything else you notice about this week's recording? You quizzed me on this right before we pressed, and it was my third guess, but you have a green wall behind you now. Got a green wall. People are going to do funky stuff to you. They can key you out easily.

Yeah, they can put dick wallpaper behind me. Matter of fact, that might be a fun thing to do, is have you guys fuck with me and put it on the Internet. Well, it's going to include the two posts. It's going to include Springsteen and Hendrix, probably. Yeah. Otherwise, it's more work because your head's kind of over them. But, yeah, it'll be fun.

Right. Now, the other wall was white and it was bouncy and it didn't look good. So I came in here with my daughter. And, you know, my is uh she's lazy she laid this pandemic she has just laid around like a fucking sea lion and uh now i i but you get her to do something she's on like you want to go paint my office today on it gets here moves the furniture cleans the whole thing, vacuums it. We paint it. At first she wrote 666 and a giant penis on the wall in green, which was, that's very funny.

And then you paint over it and you realize, oh, if I squint, there's a dick on the wall. And we had to do a whole other layer because of that. And down the road when the therapist asked, were there any signs? No, I don't think. I mean, she was joking, but I mean, you know, 666. I think your daughter might have done something like that to you, didn't she?

On your, like, eraser board? I put up an eraser board in this effort to be a better, like, more organized dad. And on it, I had, like, chores, like whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher and all that. Anyway, I got this board with all these huge plans and I put up the board and I literally thought it was a little crooked. This is how new it was. So I went back to the get tools to fix it. I come back and there's a dick on the board. And I realize this board is way too late. The being the better father. Listen to your cough. You sound like Joe Biden, which we'll talk about in a minute.

So anyway, yes, a big dick. But the good news was, and they were young, there was hair all over the balls and the shaft. So I took that to mean that they had not seen a dick yet. Yeah. Right. Or maybe the guy was Bolivian. You don't know. Yeah.

I quickly checked myself. I'm like, okay, no, it's not me. Yeah. That is weird how you don't grow hair on your chef. Either that or you grow it, but you're constantly ripping the hairs off. By the way, don't put that video up. It was much better audio than video just now of your motion. All right.

Oh, by the way, speaking of the video and the green wall and all that stuff, the podcast is now available on YouTube as of last week. What, this whole thing? Yeah, everything we're doing goes up on YouTube. I don't like that at all. First of all, I'm in a closet. Secondly, I kind of like, I'm

very much working under the impression I'm not being recorded. So I shift a lot. I'm also in an uncomfortable. Whatever. I have the 3,000 excuses, but okay, whatever. Well, that's good that we're spending all this money to get somebody to put on YouTube. And now you've talked everybody out of going to YouTube to see.

No, actually, now they want to see how bad it looks. Yeah. And they want to see that J-O motion you made. And they want to see you wearing black. I told you when you're over 50, they say don't wear black. It makes you look older. To which I quickly defended myself saying, what are you talking about?

Johnny Cash wears black. And Lou Reed, the two oldest looking people in the history of playbook. And Roy Orbison. The guys that, what was the average age in the Traveling Wilburys again? Oh, like so depressed. The oldest was like Roy Orbison at like 52 or something. Yeah. And this seemed like a swan song for everybody.

And it was like, no, they were all younger than we are right now. Oh, ancient Bob Dylan was younger. He was in his 40s. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. All right, let's get to some news. Let's do it.

Hold on a second. You got the newspaper there? Ouch. Front page. Biden. Oh, Biden. You don't hear much from him. He's overshadowed by a different candidate. But he has he was given a speech to some black voters in in sharp in.

I guess it was a black radio show. Charlotte, the God. Yeah. So that's a huge it's called The Breakfast Club. That's a huge show. It's in New York. Yeah. And like Hillary did it. Elizabeth Warren did it like it's it's it's a go-to stop for sure yeah so he he goes on and uh you know he he feels he's black you remember how clinton was was was our first black white president and biden feels like he's that same guy because he got the black vote even though he lives in fucking delaware yeah no but he he he talks he was very defensive in a way like on the so i listened to the whole thing it's 19 minutes

so but you probably went there because there was a real headline about it he said if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or trump then you ain't black so i read a lot about that and then people so anyway i went in to watch the whole interview that was a joke he did at the end he obviously had that loaded they were saying goodbye right charlamagne's thing is he's famous for kind of being contentious there's actually a charlamagne interview in you know my new favorite show dave, Dave, Little Dicky and Dave goes on Charlemagne show in the show, Dave. And it's because Charlemagne confronts people. So he was confronting Biden, especially on his crime bill and stuff like that. And the interview is good.

And believe it or not, that wasn't the headline for me. Getting back to what you were saying, the headline for me was how many times he said man like three or four times uh come on man like and i know he says like uh you know he's kind of informal but it it's it really seemed like oh he he's in black show mode you know you know what i mean right and uh also he had a cough that was very disturbing. No kidding. Yeah. Wow. At least four cough outbreaks.

Like big ones. Not like, ah, I'm clearing my throat. Well, I think he's pretty well quarantined. I don't believe the guy's left his house. He talks about that. He goes, I have the Secret Service outside. And even when I go out to, I have my mask on. They're tested every day.

He's tested all the time, you know, and all my mask on, they're tested every day. He's tested all the time, you know, and all this. So, cause Charlemagne asked him like, Hey, kind of, where have you been? You know, like, you know, we're, we're, we're looking for another side here during this pandemic and the lead up to the election. And he's like, I'm following the rules. But it is, it is interesting when a white guy tries to basically categorize an entire race of people that's not his race. You know, even though it's a, you know, it's a pretty, I guess, conventional idea that he's going to get the black vote over Trump. You never say it. You don't speak for them. No. And a lot of prominent black politicians and blacks in

general, which sounds so weird, but have come out and nailed them on. And that's why it's controversial. But if you go listen to it, listen, I don't want to defend Biden because I'm at a point now where I'm just scared. It's like having the old relative at the table who lets fly inappropriate shit. Like during the interview, I was like, oh, come on. Don't say man again and keep it together. And please, like, don't dumb down. Like, don't don't be other than yourself right now, please.

Yeah. He's going to go on an LBGTQ and be like, if if you have a problem, figure out whether you're for me and Trump. You ain't a dyke. Yeah. And by the way, he'll come up with dated ones. If you're still having trouble with that, talk to the hand. Like, one of his old speechwriters has loaded him with bullshit. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Right. If you're telling your friends you're going to vote for Trump. TMI. That's and that's exactly what this was. But listen. There's there's bigger problems. I guess that's my point. There's bigger problems than the line that made all the headlines, because the line that made all the headlines, the real translation was this. If you're still having trouble figuring out who's been more of an advocate for minorities in this country now, then you have no idea what you're talking about, which is totally valid. Right. Well, on to the next story, Mike.

Little newspaper noise. Oh, yeah, of course. The hand sanitizers that you keep in your car. I know I keep mine in my car. Be wary. Firefighters in my car, be wary. Firefighters in Wisconsin are issuing a warning. Apparently, they posted a photo of a burnt car on Facebook and said that it burst into flame. When it's exposed to the sun, it will burst into flame. So, you know, you always think with this pandemic,

can we just have the pandemic only kill us right now? Can we not have, and I think that's a running theme in today's Sunday Papers as we get to some other stories, is can God just go, all right, look, I gave you guys some big shit. I'm going to mellow out on some of the extraneous death causes. Yeah. Well, one way to prevent it is I would just leave a young child in the car to keep an eye on it. Or a dog.

I mean, don't leave a hot car unattended with your alcohol hand sanitizer. No, leave your leave your ice cream and your puppy in there. And the dog will start barking, probably like crazy. And it'll alert anyone walking by. And I imagine a baby would start crying. So that's what I would do. Definitely. definitely is there besides being a pedophile is there a worse way to go through the rest of your life than having fucking roasted your kid in a car you're done you're done in your community

i oh i don't even know how they live yeah i mean i don't even know how they don't kill themselves is what i'm saying right i mean that's the craziest. And by the way, I think especially ADD people like you'll read encounters where like the guy it was it was not his usual thing. He was a professor, wife sick. He's supposed to drop it off at school. This was a real story. He went, he got his coffee, came back into this. Then kids asleep, totally spaced, parked at the university, and that's it. You know, went into work. And you're just like, oh, my God. Like, obviously, zero malice.

You know what I mean? He failed that class. Imagine, like, he stays late. Then he cheats on his wife and he goes back to her dorm. And then finally at night he comes back. And he cheats on his wife and he goes back to her dorm. And then finally at night he comes back. And he cheats in the car, takes a young co-ed into his car. He's going down on her. He's like, wow, she's got a funky smell.

He puts out the fire, the hand sanitizer. Oh, my God. Open the windows. It's smoky in here. But oh, my God. windows it's smoky in here but oh my god but also imagine how that guy found out like i don't think he found out by going back to his car either there was like a absolute chaos in the parking lot or imagine the quieter more haunting thing like the daycare calls the mom like so she's not coming in today like yeah then she calls him or a text yeah and then he calls the mom like, so she's not coming in today. Like, oh, then she calls him or a text.

And then he reads the text like, what happened with daycare? And then imagine the flood of thoughts. Oh, my God. You know what the worst is, is I abandoned JoJo at preschool once and they had to call me. And, you know, of course, I didn't even pick her up that often which is what threw me and uh so i get there and i pick her up and she played it now it wasn't preschool it was it was elementary school she was 11th grade she was it was on the way over here and uh and she played it like it was an after-school special and that I was an alcoholic and this happened every week.

Like, they watched too much TV. If you abandon your kid once in the old days, they just go, all right, you forgot. Shit happens. But now it's like, no, they saw a series on Netflix where a dad was drinking gin all day and they were getting fucking neglected. It's like, no, one time.

On the west side of L.A., forget about it. I'm surprised you're not in jail. I know. Yeah. Next story. Oh. It looks like things look good. I'm cautiously optimistic, says Carlos de Ria,

who's some kind of a professor or a scientist or somebody who says things like I'm cautiously optimistic about this new vaccine. Oh, no, he works at the Cautiously Optimistic Institute. And a lot of their studies are predictable. Right. And the worst is when you have a job interview and you call them back and you go, how am I looking? And they go, cautiously optimistic. Meanwhile, you got no shot. Yeah, right. So, but you were saying you read about the stock of the company. What's the name of the company? Oh, yeah. So, no, that's a funny one. It doesn't have to be in business. But Moderna got a lot of hype for this vaccine. Very promising news. Also on Monday, their chief financial officer

and chief medical officer executed options and sold $30 million worth of shares combined. So the one guy, the chief financial officer, he sold 241,000 options, which were for him, 3 million, and he immediately sold them for $19.8 million. Damn. Yeah, profit of $16.8, and then the chief medical officer, he profited $8.2 million.

By Thursday, Moderna finished down 16% from its Monday close. But more than that, it's like, guys, what are you doing? You know what that looks like? Yeah. No one's going to have faith. Money's going to stop coming in for what might be this promising virus, you know? Not only that, if it really is the virus, you're getting out on the first floor instead of the penthouse on this one. Well, that's what I mean.

I won't believe. Now I totally doubt this vaccine. Well, yeah, why would you do that? Imagine the success if it works. Yeah, I know. Now they're saying that they already had them scheduled because you have to schedule that thing if it's insider trading, like legal insider trading. It has to be scheduled. And that was their defense.

But still, it's like, I don't know if they have a boss, but it would be like they must be getting slapped in the face. Like, what are you doing? Don't schedule it during this epidemic. Yeah, I was a I was a part of insider trading once in my life. I was in my 20s. Late 20s. And I had gotten a development deal and I got some money in the bank. And and my buddy who worked on Wall Street, who'd never given me a stock tip in his life, he was very on the up and up, but we're really good friends. And he calls me one day and he whispers. I'm wondering, before you say it, I am wondering,

because I've been involved, I didn't know it with an insider thing from a tip. I'm wondering if I got it from you. Go ahead. I think you did. And he goes, buy BLVC, like whispers it. And I like slam the phone down. I call up the guy that handles my stocks and I'm like, buy it. And he's like, I don't know. It looks like a penny stock. I don't see any action on it. I go put half my money in it. So he puts it in. We bought it at $35,000, and it went up to $75,000, $100,000, $150,000, $195,000. And I'm like, all right, when this fucker hits $200,000, I am out. $190,000, $185,000, $150,000. And I call him. I go, what the fuck is going on he goes buy more so i call the guy go buy more of that stuff so he buys more 110 98 50 and i'm like fuck and i call it i go what And I call him. I go, what should I do? He goes, buy options. He goes, leverage. Oh, my God.

Anyway, long story short, I got my ass handed to me. So I only bring it up because if you lose money on insider trading, they can't prosecute you, right? Yeah, right. And you don't get any money back, of course. Mine was, I thought you were going to say, was, do you're gonna say was you remember crazy eddies yeah right the prices are so crazy it's insane yeah east coast people will know it's almost like a carvel thing so crazy eddie was this uh stereo and you know component and electronics chain so uh i got a tip to buy it my guy tried to talk me out of it like crazy. And I was like, well, just buy it.

So he bought it. It more than doubled. And then he's like, I think we should sell it or whatever. And at that point I was like, yeah, fine. And then it was a total fraud. And then Eddie, and then crazy Eddie's out of business within months. Like, like it was a total, I don't know if it was a pump and dump, whatever it was, or they, or they put out a financial report that was just had a million holes in it. And it took a while to uncover those and it was done. But, uh, someone who told me knew it, did I ever tell you that time? But I would say you don't, you don't want to invest a ton of your money in a company that's run by a gentleman who claims to be mentally insane.

I know. That is true. That rules out a lot. That rules out Tesla. Right. A good piece of advice I remember was Al Michaels. You remember the Miracle on Ice? Of course.

The famous announcer. This is Al Michaels coming to you from Czechoslovakia. He was on, this will date it, it was in the 90s, I think, but he was on Dennis Miller Live, which was actually a great show. And he said he figured it out. He was doing some insider, not insider, he was doing day trading, which was becoming quite the thing at that time, like for the first time. So he kind of admitted he got bitten by the bug a little. And then Dennis Miller asked him about it. He goes, well, I've learned a lot. And here's the new thing I've learned. He goes, and I have access now because people know I'm doing it.

And, you know, people also, I'm a celebrity. So whatever people will just email me out of the blue who don't even know me. And my new move is I short any hot tip I get. Like when your guy called you, as soon as I get that hot tip, I short it because I know how far down the chain I am, even if they're saying I'm not far down the chain. Yeah. And and he was making a bunch of money doing that. So in other words, every every jackass is going to pump money into the stock and overvalue it. And then it's going to come back down again. And I did that once. I had a friend, Kenny, and Kenny got a job on Wall Street and he was in the cold calling phase because we were in our 20s. Right. And he called me about, I think it was that casino, the Sphere in Las Vegas or whatever. Yeah. Whatever it was, he called me because a million bosses at his company are like, get it that out there.

Get people to buy it. Get people to buy it. And so anyway, Kenny called me and I realized how low he was on total. So I didn't buy it. And sure enough, the thing it went up for like a week and then the biggest nosedive ever. Wow. Yeah. So I think it was a pump and dump, which happens a lot. You can't trust anything, really. Oh. Yeah, so I think it was a pump and dump, which happens a lot. You can't trust anything, really. Yeah, right. Now, welcome to Sunday Papers, where we really try to appeal to our blue-collar listeners.

Hope your finances aren't too bad. And, all right, let's go to entertainment, Mike. All right, what do we got? We got a newspaper noise, usually. No, I think it's... There it is. Okay, well, what have you been watching? I watched Goliath. Did I mention that last week?

No, what's Goliath? I love Billy Bob Thornton, right? Yeah. He's so good. And Goliath is on Amazon. But the coolest thing about Goliath for us, his office is Shay J's. No shit. Constantly in Shay J's. And you know the crappy motel across the parking lot

that's where he lives and so amazing shots of the west side amazing shots of the canals just so people don't know Shay J if you ever come to the west side of LA and you're looking for like real LA real west side what's left of what was the kind of beachy,

eclectic community of the West Side, it's the place where Dennis Wilson was the night that Natalie Wood died. He went out on a boat with Natalie Wood. And so Sinatra used to go there. It was like the Rat Pack had their own table in the back. And it's this divy little fucking restaurant. Is there like peanut shells on the floor?

They do. But wait, Dennis Wilson, you don't mean the night she died. Yeah. Do you mean Christopher Walken? I think both of them. I don't know if Dennis Wilson. I think he was. Because it was Bob, her boyfriend.

Yeah. And then Christopher Walken. I thought it was the three of them anyway. And it's, you know, it's Sean Penn's. He like owns the back table there and stuff. Huh? It's his place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a very, it's a divy, it's a divy steak bar. What? Oh, wait, you froze. Did you freeze? Hold on. What? Oh, wait, you froze up. Did you freeze? Hold on. Uh-oh. You're frozen.

Uh-oh. Technical difficulties. Come back. Oh, you're back. Oh, there, yeah. You froze. You froze. All right, we're back.

So how's the actual TV show? It's pretty good, actually. I like it. You know who I don't like? And I've never really been a fan. It's pretty good, actually. I like it. You know who I don't like?

And I've never really been a fan. And, man, he makes a lot of interesting choices that fail for me. But what's his name? Holy crap, I'm so brain dead. Bob Costas. No, no. Yeah, yeah. Just start with the A's.

No, no, no. You know him from Broadcast News, the good-looking anchor. Oh, yeah. And he's been in a bazillion things. Right, right. Holy shit. Anyway, he's in it. William Hurt. Yeah, William Hurt.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. He plays this burn victim boss, but he tries to play this very evil. The show's not perfect. It's David E. Kelly. I think David E. Kelly can be goofy sometimes. Yeah. He's the guy that did the co-ed bathroom and all that in Ally McBeal.

You know, I don't think he's funny. And so anyway, but Billy Bob Thornton I'll watch any day. Yeah. He's great. Yeah. I just saw him in something else? Oh, I saw him in Fargo, the TV show Fargo. Oh, well, he won the Emmy for that. I think he won the Emmy for that.

He was amazing in that. Holy shit. Yeah. I watched the season five of Better Call Saul. I got to do that. And everybody raved about it. But I found I found your gut. It's a prequel to Breaking Bad. So now it's like I've saw Breaking Bad so long ago and there's references to Breaking Bad. You sort of like foreshadowing for what you're going to see later. And then now

you've had four seasons of saw which are separated by like 18 months between seasons and i highly reckon i think it's great but i highly recommend spend a half an hour and review previous seasons so you can track what's going on in this one because it builds on all the other seasons right right, right, right. So I didn't enjoy it as much. And also it is weird because Odenkirk looks way older now than he did in Breaking Bad. Oh, it's been a long time. Yeah, it was a long time.

What else did I do? I did, oh, the show The Sinner, Jessica Biel, and here I go with names again, but Bill Pullman. Oh, I love Bill Pullman. I love Bill Pullman. I do, too. And, you know, Trump did his speech, I guess, about July 4th.

He did some. It's weird showing the president putting out entertainment. But he took Bill. I think it was Bill Pullman's speech. Is that Bill Pullman in Independence Day as the president? Yeah. Yeah. So he did that.

But anyway, Bill Pullman's really good. But it's just so I'm just so stupid. Like I say this every week, why haven't I done the wire or madman? So I committed with Laura, my sister and George, her husband, we're going to watch madmen remotely. Like let's watch, we'll watch two tonight. Let's talk about it tomorrow. That's weird. So you'll just, it's not weird. It's like a book club. You mean you'll, but you'll watch it at the same time. Well, we, it is on Netflix. So you can do Netflix party. Do you know about Netflix party now? So Netflix party is an app that you can use on Chrome. You can watch, I like, let's say you and I are like, we're going to fucking do the wire, right?

So we can watch it at the same time time and there's a message panel on the right that we could as if we were in the same room it's like it's become very popular during the pandemic so you and i could be like what's up with the dude's shirt or whatever we want to do while we're watching or what was that thing about i've tried to watch things with you before and uh you're like my wife you think there should be a running commentary like it's Mystery Science Theater 2000. I want people to shut the fuck up when I watch it. I would close that chat box so fast. And also, if we're going to watch it at the same time,

what about when I need to take a dump halfway through an episode and I normally pause it? That's my favorite thing about Netflix. I can pause it, go get some ice cream, come back. Your favorite, well, first of all, I don't know if you're taking a dump or getting ice cream now, but your favorite thing about Netflix should be that you can take

a dump while watching it on your laptop. That's right. I would feel like I'd get shit in the keys. I could never bring electronics onto the throne with me. Easily solved. Don't wipe. Don't even wear pants. I'm going to get a bidet. Oh, I know. I was, uh, I was over Malloy's and you know, he's screaming about his,

but he loves his bidet. Did you use it? I did not. I peed on it. Did you use it? I did not. I peed on it. Oh. Yeah. It works the same as a regular toilet when you pee on it. I noticed no difference.

You can't get it to spray your balls while you're urinating? Whenever I'm in anyone's house, I keep the lid down and just pee on the rim. I shouldn't have told you that, but that's my move. And it makes me feel bigger than the person. Have you ever done an upper decker to somebody? No. You seem like the kind of guy that's done that. No, I haven't. Dude, I gave Sully an upper decker.

It's the grossest thing ever. No, I have not done it. An upper decker, for the wholesome listeners, is when you take a dump in the tank, you know, that's behind the toilet that stores the water. So, no, I've never done that. That's a tough cleanup right there. Jesus. When I visited my stepbrother's frat, which was the grossest place on earth,

I think it was Theta Delta Chi at Hobart, they had two by fours across the stalls and just for giggles, I guess, they would do like dive bomb shits. So they would get up there and see if they can shit right in the toilet from up above.

And it would just, whatever. I don't even know why I'm finishing this story. It's so stupid. Other entertainment news, our dear friend, one of my best buddies from back in the Boston days, you knew him back in the Boston days, Joe Rogan,

just signed a deal with Spotify for, drum roll, $100 million. Well, it's estimated. It's estimated $100 million. Whatever it is, they're getting their money's worth because Rogan is the single biggest broadcaster in the world right now. He's got so many avid, even if it's not numerically in terms of the power of what his followers will do, they're going to follow him to Spotify. They're going to buy the products

he talks about. He's so fucking influential. But at the same time, I'm on Spotify. I get dick. Is it roughly dick or is it dick? It's dick. I think musicians get roughly dick. Podcasters get dick. He may be the only guy getting paid on Spotify right now. Actually, I don't even know if I'm on Spotify. I don't know if I am because we have, I think Fitz Dog Radio is, but I don't know if Sunday Papers is because we play the theme song from Joe Jackson,

which we're not going to do this week. This is the first week we're not doing it. Oh, really? Well, we didn't get flagged, but eventually we would get flagged. It sounds like we've gotten a lot of great listener art. It sounds like we should get some listener music. That would be great.

If somebody wants to write a new theme song for Sunday Papers, we'll give you a shout-out to your band or you or whatever. And even if you're completely unmusical, make a song with your kids. It has to include the words Sunday Papers. Send it in to FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com, and we'll see. And if we use it, we'll send you some money. We're not going to say how much. So listen, I love Rogan.

Very little. I wouldn't call myself a friend of his at all, but I've been around you guys a bunch, and he's awesome and the nicest guy. Who? Joe Rogan. around you guys a bunch and he's awesome and the nicest guy um who speaking joe rogan but speaking of his show uh i listened to someone told me to listen to the uh his interview with you know mr tesla what's his face uh elon musk yeah here you want to know something elon musk has never said he has never said the phrase i don don't know. Yeah. Right. I mean, he would, Joe Rogan was peppering him with all these questions about the virus,

when it's going to, and it was just like, no. And of course, you know, listen, you're asking this uber capitalist who's kind of like Trump. They have a mode, which is they are leaning forward and they don't stop moving forward. That's their mode. That that's, that explains almost all of their success. And he's incredibly smart. I'm not taking that away from him, but he's just like, Oh my God, they're listing, you know, the, the death counts lower. And it's like, what about all the people that are died, which is a fact who haven't been registered anyway, his whole thing was that like, if you are on your last leg because of a heart ailment, and then this COVID came along, you know, they're attributing it just to COVID. You know what I mean? And so, yeah. Anyway, but every question he asked them with and it was a little frustrating because, you know, people really, you know, take that guy at his word because he's very accomplished and he is very smart.

He has a rocket launch next week, by the way. That's right. Huge. I know. We may get to that in science. All right, let's go to International. Well, wait. Before we crumple the papers and make a great sound effect. In entertainment, I thought this would be interesting to bring up. So when we were growing up, there was the Hollywood Squares. Now, I know it was brought back, but I wonder how many listeners remember it. So, you know, it's obviously, you know, this game show and all this.

But there was a center square guy who was great, Paul Lind. And he was in movies. And wasn't he in Bewitched also, maybe? He was in Bewitched, yes. But he was so funny and so obvious. It's kind of like looking back at the Village People. Or Liberace. Yeah, like Liberace, who, by the way, Liberace's's shows were the highest rated shows three of his specials were the highest rated

second only to the super bowl in the years that they were and believe it or not which you will not believe uh generally america did not think they were gay yeah or there was no talk about it right so paul lind is one of those and there's going to be a biography coming out about him that's why i bring him up and i read read this article, but it was really interesting. This article of especially a bunch of gay people who chimed in saying like, you don't understand that, like, it was a secret language and not that he was doing it intentionally, but you could tell like, you know, just his whole and I should have clipped the language that they use. But what I did do is I went, I found some of his funny lines. You have to keep in mind, this is the 1970s.

And he would say very sexual jokes all the time. But some of them were just edgy and of their time. So the question was, when the citizens of China want a drink of water, they always do something to it first. What? And he goes, remove the shirts. And then he has a laugh. Oh, he was also a great animated voice, wasn't he?

Like he had this amazing voice and then snicker after he would deliver a line. Now, middle America will embrace somebody for being gay. Like even Byron Allen, if middle America knew he was black, I don't know that his ratings would be as big. All right. Here's another one. When a man, oh no, not this one. According to the world book, what is the main thing we get from Honduras?

And he's like, you got it too. Ah, that's great. No, no, no. It was so good. We're talking about Bolivia and Honduras today on the podcast. Yeah. What is the lightest class in boxing? Caucasian.

And then there would be one. This is why you can obviously see not only his delivery, which is incredibly flamboyant and everything, but God, what a character. Yeah. But then there'd be jokes like this. From what animal do you get

your silk shirts and blouses? And he just fires back. He may be an animal to you but to me he's kind and generous which is this is noon on a 1970s wednesday and then i'll end on this one i I mean, there's so many funny ones, by the way. One was marriage kill. Marriage kills love. It's been said marriage kills love and love kills blank. And he's like 20 minutes.

Again, in the middle of the day. And I'll end on. So wait, he just died? Is that why we're talking about this? No, no, no. He died a while. But biography is coming out. Oh, got it. And then I'll end on this. I'll why we're talking about this? No, no, no. He died a while, but biography is coming out. Oh, got it. I'm getting that shit.

I'll end on this one. Oh, no, no. He drank. It was one of those where it's like, God, I wish. I don't know when he died, but it was one of those. When I do hear about some people who are dying, it's like, well, they were right here. You know what I mean? Why didn't I call someone or because I'm in the business, maybe have my agent like call his agent and be like, this guy wants to take him to lunch. You know, like I've heard a lot of people do. I've heard a lot of people do that with Mel Brooks, you know, like comedy writers, like just to thank him. I got in this business because of you. And they may they may say no, but but this guy lived alone. this guy lived alone. He had like an anger. Um, and his whole thing was like, you know, kind of like trying to be himself, uh, as much as he could, but he couldn't come out. Uh, but he was kind of out like he, in some interviews, anyway, the biography is written about because it will be interesting. And I'll just end on this joke of his, his last one.

And again, Hollywood squares, your father was a jackass and your mother was a horse. What does that make you? And he just fires back almost with anger, the star in the center square, Peter. I fucking love this guy. Love him. And by the way, some of them, what's his name was there? The legendary comedian, uh, Russell. No, it wasn't Nipsey Russell. It was, way, some of them, what's his name was there? The legendary comedian. Nipsey Russell. No, it wasn't Nipsey Russell. It was Buddy Hackett. And you hear Buddy Hackett dying laughing. I mean, not only is Buddy Hackett generous, but I think he was recognizing like this is I didn't know this was allowed. Yeah, that's so great. Yeah, it was great. So that's the last entertainment story. Paul Lind.

All right. Let's do some international news. All right. All right, Mississippi. There was an alligator from Mississippi. That doesn't sound too international. Yeah. Well, no, he was from Mississippi, but he was given as a gift to Germany when he was just a baby.

And the news is that he died. He was 84 years old. and the news is that he died. He was 84 years old. They believe he might be the oldest alligator in history. Tough to tell because there's not a census in the Everglades. Well, did he look old? Did he have like dry sort of leathery skin?

He did and some of his teeth were missing. Yeah. So he was in the Berlin Zoo in 1936. And he escaped. When it was bombed, he escaped the zoo and was like wandering around Berlin for a long time before he was caught. And apparently he was Hitler's. Everyone was trying to leave, yeah. He was Hitler's personal alligator. That's weird.

Yeah. I mean, Hitler is like- Clearly not Jewish, even though a lot of Jewish people do wear alligator shoes. So he was Hitler's alligator, and they do actually goose step, if you think about it. Alligators, they don't bend their legs when they're walking. I hope he fared better than Hitler's beloved German shepherd, whose name I should know because I just read the story coincidentally this past week. What's that?

So there's footage of him like in the Eagle's Lair or wherever that thing, you know, that hideout was in the mountains. And Hitler's there being very affectionate with his German shepherd, and he loved them. And I forget the German shepherd's name, but the news knew the name of the dog. And the fate of his beloved German shepherd was Hitler tested the cyanide pills on the German shepherd

that he himself would kill himself with, so he killed his dog just to make sure they worked. Wow. Yeah. That's like the mob guys used to make their wives go out and start the car before they got in it. Right. I know. You know what their defense was, right? Right. No one would ever do it because they would know it wouldn't work and they would just be killing wives. But occasionally it slipped through. Someone didn't get the memo occasionally. killing wives, but occasionally it slipped through. Someone didn't get the memo occasionally.

But yeah, it turns out, you know, like, listen, Hitler wasn't, you know, he had some flaws. I'm just saying, you know, he had a cold heart in some parts of his life. Yeah, but he loved that goddamn alligator. Also in international news, they're saying that plastic bottles may be a thing of the past. There are now, there's a company in the Netherlands that's developed an all-plant bottle. Sustainably grown crops going into, I think there's a thin layer of plastic in it,

so it's not completely plastic-free, but almost completely plastic-free. Speaking of recycling, you might've brought this up last week. Oh, did I? You might've because then we talked about that great plastic company. Speaking of recycling. Uh, all right. No, but it's a great story. It's a great story though. It's a great story. And as, oh, we did, as a matter of fact,

because I gave a shout out to my friend's company, Burio, and he sent me a nice email thanking me. See? That's what we do. We don't make any money, and yet we're giving shout-outs to companies. That's a good podcast. Although he sent me a Django game for free made out of netting, ocean netting. Maybe you could give me half of that.

That would be nice. All right, let's get to some science. I didn't even know that was a section, but here it is. Here they come, cicadas or chichatas. Oh, God, yeah. Chichatas. These are these crazy fucking, they're like grasshoppers or crickets, but bigger.

And they come out, ready for this every 17 years they hide underground for 17 years and they there's literally going to be trillions of them just just like blasting out from the ground yeah in virginia north carolina out from the ground in Virginia, North Carolina, West Virginia, and they are going to eat fucking everything. And it's just going back to the theme of, like, can we get a fucking break while, you know, we're on 100,000 people that are going to be dead by the time this thing airs? You know?

Oh, I know. Does there also have to be pestilence? Well, that's what I thought. Did you feel that earthquake three weeks ago? Yeah. So like when this was starting and, you know, everyone was obviously a lot more scared. There were a lot more question marks. All of a sudden, it's like 1230 at night. The whole house starts shaking. You're like now. Yeah. Right. Right. It kind of right now, by the way, speaking of that extra stuff. But and we'll get back to Chicago's or however you pronounce them in a minute. But, you know, San Francisco, as we're doing this podcast, the wharf, the famous pier is the Fisherman's Wharf is on fire.

A really big fire. And they think they've lost over a third of it and they're battling it now to contain it. And, you know, there were fires downtown. Hey, so I have a question for you. You know, in the old world uh there was very what i'll call suspicious uh fire suspicious lightning they would you know there was another i think it was called jewish lightning just to be frank about it and it was when a company kind of saw no way out and maybe they had already played the bankruptcy card or whatever it is they would intentionally

burn down their own business to collect insurance and And I'm wondering, you know, we're about to hear, I'm not saying Fisherman's Wharf is that, but downtown L.A. had all these fires the other day, and then something else burned down. The French market in Venice burned down. Yeah, the French market, which was a really cool lunch place here on the west side. And I'm just wondering if they're predicting also the collapse of the commercial real estate market. I'm wondering if we'll see an uptick of that. What do you think? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So not only are firefighters rescuing people that have terminal illnesses, they're putting out fires that are being set by their owners.

Yeah. And they say, I know this is bleak and newspapers will, of course, if it bleeds, it leads. But they're like, it'll be an interesting fire season here because we didn't totally get out of the drought. And, you know, with the firemen hampered by the virus in many ways, including themselves maybe being sick and all that, but all the rescues, it'll be interesting, like, if we are at full capacity to fight the fires. Right. All right. Look, Mike, why don't we get to some... Anyway, anything else on the Chicago?

So 17 years ago, did they wreak havoc? There's trillions, and they're so loud that they sound, they get to 90 decibels, which is about as loud as a dirt bike or a lawnmower. But like, you're surrounded by dirt bikes. That's how loud it is. And what kills them, the falling frogs from the sky? Is that what's the forecast? I think AIDS.

We got to give one of them AIDS because it's a fuck fest. You know it's got to be. Yeah. All right, we going over to sports? Let's do some sports, Mike Gibbons. Here's the sports section well both you and i are aware there's patrick ewing story a lot of people know about patrick ewing maybe this week who didn't know about him a few weeks ago because he was featured

rather prominently in uh in some of the uh last dance michael jordan documentary and the Bulls drive for their last season. So legendary Georgetown, Hoya and New York, Nick has tested positive for COVID-19. And he's actually the coach. He's the coach of Georgetown now. You know, God. Yeah, I see that he's in the Georgetown Hospital. I somehow didn't know that. How's he doing? Because he is a beloved guy.

Yeah. He like had the best attitude i hated him when he was on georgetown because i've never seen anything that dominant before it was crazy oh yeah and my dad i'm sure your dad was a saint john's fan back then and they were going they'd go head to head for two or three years in a row in the in the uh playoffs yep and uh anyway ewing said in a statement, this is right. This virus is serious and should be taken and not be taken lightly. So he's in the hospital, which is disturbing. And of course, I don't know about you.

They didn't really feature it because the documentary wasn't about it. But I wonder the thing that'll flash. God forbid something happens to Patrick Ewing. wonder the thing that'll flash god forbid something happens to Patrick Ewing but the thing that I can't shake is the 1995 game seven five seconds left on the clock they're down by one to the Indiana Pacers this was the year Michael Jordan came back his first year back from baseball and the Orlando Magic eliminated him and then then he won three in a row. But the season he came back was 95. Inbound pass to Ewing. Two guys, including Reggie Miller, on him immediately at the top of the key.

He pivots. Keep in mind he's over seven feet. Pivots, drives. It was the most exciting 1.5 seconds of my life at that point. Drives. Another guy steps up to defend him. Goes to the side of him. at that point drives. Another guy steps up to defend him, goes to the side of him underhand layup in the bath, in the rim and out.

Yeah. And then Indiana paces collapse on the floor. The clock expired while it was in the rim and then it bounced out. And that was game seven. And that was the year that the Knicks were going to win it for sure. In my mind. Well, I'm worried about him because in terms of fighting this disease,

Patrick Ewing was not known for playing great defense. So we'll see. Yeah. He would kind of lumber back up the court very slowly on those fucking – his knees were bandaged. It's like he had full leg casts on when he was out on the court. Yeah. Well, big men. It's like he had full leg casts on when he was out on the court. Yeah. Well, big men. It's like big dogs.

Smaller dogs live longer. The big men, I'm surprised, Walton, Bill Russell, God bless him. And Kareem and Shaq. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I take it back. Big men live longer. Anything else in sports?

Yeah. This golf tournament, which I really don't care too much about. But they're doing one of those. What are you talking about? You're a golfer now, Mike. You got your own clubs. I know. You heard about that?

So you weren't there. But I played this week. And, you know, it's addictive because it's like a slot machine. Like every, for real golfers, it's like, what every three shots you hit one that feels so good. So for me, it's like every two days I hit one that feels so good, but I've never owned golf clubs. We'll see. We'll see how I do. But this is Tiger Woods has teamed up with Peyton Manning and they're going to tee up against Phil Mickelson and Tom Brady. And that's tomorrow at two o'clock Eastern Sunday today, two o'clock Eastern. It's probably happening right now. And do you think, are they carrying it on BETV or

will it just be on a regular network? Who knows? They're so starved for sports. It should be a pay-per-view. Yeah. That's interesting. I don't know where it's going to be. It's the match champions for charity. Yeah. I think it's, I's going to be. It's the match champions for charity. Yeah, I think it's I think they did a skins match in the last couple of weeks where, you know, they were, you know, I don't know if you know how to skins match works. But each hole that you play is worth, say, fifty thousand dollars. And if two guys tie it, then everybody ties it. and that $50,000 carries over to the next hole. And so it can start to build up where hole after hole it carries over. And I think there was a $750,000 hole that somebody made a long putt on.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting. Golf's exciting. Here's the weird thing about playing golf where we've been playing golf is it's a public course in Venice. And it's a fucking wonderful in venice and it's a fucking wonderful little nine holes nine holes which is all i can't play 18 no they're long

holes it's a legitimate golf course and it's in amazing shape because it's all locals and people really take care of it but when you walk up the second hole you're on rose avenue which is literally a one mile homeless encampment along a chain link fence that borders the golf course. So like you feel so guilty that you're out playing golf. And like I hit my ball to the left against the chain link fence and I just fucking left it because I didn't have the heart to walk up next to some guy who's got a Bunsen burner and some Chef Boyardee taking a dump dump in it, and go retrieve my Titleist.

No, I know. Even if I shank a shot, I know what fair way you're talking about. If I shank a shot there, I'm like, it could be worse. I'm not like, fuck. God, fuck me. Everything's against me. I'm like, I lost my ball. He's like, I lost my home.

Everything's against me. I'm like, I lost my ball. He's like, I lost my home. Totally. And then on top of it, just as you're feeling like a douchebag, there's a private airport, Santa Monica Airport, which is right there. And these fucking Cessnas, these big private jets, go flying over you. And they're loud and annoying. And then you start cursing. You fucking rich douchebags are your shot, Matt.

You could ask him someone to look over like, what do you think? There's a lot of hazards up there. Do you see the trap? What do you think? Yeah, there's a lot of hazards out there. Sure is. I don't. Yeah, I don't want to, what club should I hit? I don't want to come up short. Yeah. I might've come it up a little bit short in my life. Oh man. That is, yeah, that is quite a juxtaposition. At least it's a public course. Well, private course, one tolerator. No, no, they would, no, they would handle it. There would be some fart. They would go out and they would buy those fart bombs.

Remember those from the joke shops that you could buy? That's how they would deal with it? They would just throw fart bombs at the tents until they got up and left. Hey, we don't have anything prepared, but in international, what we should keep an eye on for next week, this Hong Kong stuff is not cool man what's going on china's clamping down oh no shit no like you remember the last clamp down and all the tear gas that's what made me think of it all the tear gas in the streets and they're out there

with masks and umbrellas and everything um and you know there were conspiracy theories that china was developing this and it jumped out of the lab the the virus, because they were thinking about Hong Kong. It's totally just a conspiracy theory, but I'm just saying that was out there. So let's just keep an eye on it. But it's I mean, it's really taking away rights. It's very hard to take away rights no matter when. But it's very hard to take away rights, you know, when people have enjoyed enjoyed them and rolling them back, and that's what's happening. Keep an eye on it. You got any of those? Oh, wait, let's hit business real quick, and then we'll do a Dear Amy.

Okay, here we go. Business? In business. 10 years ago today, the Bitcoin was used for the very first time at a for a pizza this guy uh laszlo hanyets was the first person to buy physical goods with a bitcoin he bought two pizzas for 10 000 bitcoins today 10 000 bitcoins is worth $91 million. Hope you enjoyed that. Quite a pizza. Fucking pizza. I'm wondering what pizza, I would have thought it was like he bought a storage drive from some tech seller who would be on board.

A pizza guy is on board Bitcoin? Yeah, yeah, right, right. He must have just been like, he probably was like, I think I was just robbed. He probably just agreed to the guy's Bitcoin and said, okay, this is imaginary money that I can't see. Oh, yeah,

okay, here's your pizza. He delivers it and he gives the delivery guy frankincense and myrrh as a tip. Little Christian joke for you people. Who knows what's going to happen to Bitcoin? I don't believe. I don't know.

I mean, the banking system is so corrupt and backed by a corrupt. And all the bankers run the country. So unless they get on board Bitcoin, I worry about it. I don't know anything about it, though. I'm sure our listeners know a ton about it. It's definitely something you can buy on a swing and make some money off of because it swings wildly. When it dips, if you grab a little, you could make money.

I always hear it talked about in terms of the price of the stock and instead of, all right, is this thing going to make a move? You know what I mean? We're not buying and betting on the dollar, which people used to do. You can bet on the interest rates, the value of the dollar. And people on Wall Street do. But, like, everyday people, you and I, aren't betting on the dollar and talking about the value of the dollar. Ooh, did you see it?

And it's like, but Bitcoin, that's everything that's talked about is the value of it. Yeah. You had a business story about Hertz. Yeah. Hertz rent a car filing for bankruptcy. And another, you know, another. So so far, I guess there's been J.C. Penny in terms of big ones, Neiman Marcus and J.Crew. And then there's been, you know, a lot of other companies, obviously, but less less household names. But the company's been renting cars since 1918. I didn't know that. When it set up shop with a dozen Ford Model Ts. No shit. Survived the Great Depression. It survived the, which was the,

you know, a halt to U.S. auto production during World War II also. And then all the numerous oil price shocks. But anyway, I don't know that they've always had good business sense. Keep in mind, their spokesman for years was O.J. Simpson. So he was Mr. Hertz. Yeah, when he would run through those airports. Do you remember those commercials? It was him, he'd run through airports. But you never noticed he had a knife in his hand. Right. A little trivia.

He's running to Chicago. Yeah. Hey, so which is what he did. Did you I don't know if you remember the 30 for 30 on O.J. Simpson, which was amazing. It was like it's like a real lesson in civil rights also. Yeah. And a very interesting it reminded me and they brought it up with Michael Jordan. When Michael Jordan, he joked, I know, but when he famously said Republicans buy sneakers, too, because he wouldn't back the black candidate in North Carolina against Jesse Helms. And he's from North Carolina. Yes. Yeah. And he wouldn't back that candidate or how about this? Any candidate against Jesse Helms. Yeah, right. And he famously said Republicans buy sneakers, too.

And O.J. was hit for the exact same thing tons of times. This is like, you know, the power symbols in the Mexico City Olympics, the black power, you know, stance. And I should know those names. It's a shame I don't have the two guys, the sprinters. Anyway, the documentary went into a lot of that. should know those names it's a shame i don't have the two guys the sprinters anyway um the documentary went into a lot of that um but the interesting thing was they talked about him running through airports for hertz and they realized that can never happen unless we have white people waving and saying go oj yeah you. Otherwise, it's a black guy running through a public place.

Yeah, right, right. And they went into that. And so there was an old woman like, go OJ, go. That's right. Every ad had that. Go OJ, like little girls, and they all were white. Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah, now there'd be some guy from Alabama or Florida pulling out a gun and shooting them. Totally. I just love the, I love that they were the first rental car company in 1980. Imagine the piece of shit cars that they were renting out. I was like, I wonder if they had unlimited mile. Are you going to return this with a full tank? You know that's an external tank, right?

You're going to return this with a full horse? Yeah, I wonder what a Model T was like in 1918. Like headlights, I assume. Yeah, they had headlights. I think it was a crank. It was probably a crank in the front. You know back in the teens there was a hybrid? Yes.

I'm not joking. No, the first cars were hybrid electric. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Very cool. Speaking of which, Prius, it's been two decades since Prius hit the Toyota dealerships across the U.S. Prius hit the Toyota dealerships across the U.S.

One of the first hybrid production cars revolutionized the auto industry, selling more than 2 million units in the U.S. alone. And they are celebrating the 20-year legacy by unveiling a limited edition model. I think it comes with the 3D screen and the Biden sticker is already on that. That comes with the car. Yep. And then the built-in maps to whole foods. It still has Hillary stickers on it. It's got a little shoot where you can give change to homeless people on the

side of the street, right through the shoot without having to roll down your window. That's perfect. You know, remember the interesting thing, whatever, I'll keep it very brief, but when that study came out, and it was called Dust to Dust, an environmental study, and that's how you study things, like there's no product, and then there's a Prius, and then it's back to dust, like what happens 100 years from now. So they did a study, and it was Prius versus the Hummer.

And the study came out the Hummer was three times greener because of the Prius's nickel battery. Yeah. And then Toyota freaked out, did their own study in response, and Toyota's own study came up with they are not the Hummer. This barbarian, giant, Jeep-type vehicle, is not three times greener. It's equally as green as the Prius. That's when I worried. Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. Schwarzenegger works out at Gold's Gym in Venice,

where I clearly work out. Yeah, obviously. And apparently he pulls up. I'm never there because he goes early in the morning, but he pulls up in his Hummer, leaves it running outside the gym while he works out for an hour and a half. That makes no sense on every level. Well, neither does having a fucking cigar in your mouth while you're bench pressing, but that's Arnold.

And then goats and little ponies in your kitchen. He puts out videos showing that. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. At the very beginning of the virus, like he like puts out videos showing that. Oh really? Oh yeah. Yeah. When the, at the very beginning of the virus, he's like,

stay indoors. And he's feeding carrots to like two little like miniature horses in his kitchen. I wonder if he's fucking them. He could only if, only if they clean his house, that's his move. Um,

all right. You had a deer, amy i have a dear amy it's not a great one but uh explain what dear amy is for the dear amy is an advice column uh it's actually it's called ask amy but the people still write dear amy weirdos i am a 24 year old woman and this is in a newspaper it's a letter i'm a 24 year old woman when i realized And this is in a newspaper. It's a letter. I'm a 24-year-old woman. When I realized... By the way, I'm going to clip out you just saying that sitting in a closet and put it all over the internet. I'm a 24-year-old woman? Yeah.

It could be worse. I mean, it looks worse than that right now. When I realized I do not wish to pursue a relationship with someone after going on one or five dates with them, I usually send a text that says something along the lines of, hi, Mike, which is the real name in here. I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we have enough of a romantic connection to pursue anything further. I wish you the best. And she says, I loathe the idea of ghosting someone I've just met, but I don't think, but I also don't think letting them down in person or on the phone is necessary when we don't know each other very well. So this sounds reasonable. And I think I know where this letter

is going. And then she goes, the two men I've recently sent this message to never responded. I can't help but be a little hurt when I agonize over sending a text that I know will hurt someone's feelings because these men expressed their interest in continuing to see me only to get no acknowledgement that they even received it. Is it rude for them not to respond? That's hilarious. That's the most passive aggressive woman on Tinder. Dear complete lunatic, get over your narcissism and realize you rejected them, you psycho. Right, right.

That is so crazy. Yeah. Dear, dear narcissist. Thank first of all, thanks for the hand job. I did think it was weird. You were crying at the end. Yeah. You know, do you remember when I left dinner without even paying saying I was going to the bathroom? Yeah. Was now you're breaking up with me. I, this was already over. was going to the bathroom. Yeah. Was now you're breaking up with me. I, this was already over. I love that. She ends it with, I wish you the best. Like, yeah. Isn't that saying I'm the best. I wish you what better than me. Like you're not good enough for me, but I wish you the best. Right. Also, it's like, I don't expect to hear back from you. I wish you the best. This is it. Exactly. Yeah. But it's, it's one of those things where everyone should keep an eye on it

because sometimes people think too much about themselves, like in consoling someone or whatever it is. Like, in other words, you know, listen, I know his mom died, but I did write him a pretty sweet email three days ago, like kind of rude for him not to get back. Do you know that that exact thing happened to me this week? There was a friend of mine who you know as well, and her father died. And I heard about it through Erin because she read it on Facebook, and I think she replied to it in Facebook and told me.

And then I ran into her in the neighborhood, and I came. But it was early in the morning. I was foggy, I didn't bring it up and I felt really bad. And so I texted her and, um, and, uh, she didn't text me back for the whole day. And I started to really build up in my head, like, Oh, was, was it insincere to text you? Is that an email? Is that a phone? Cause I was apologizing for not bringing it up. And and I obsessed about it. And then I thought, shut the fuck up. Her father dies. This is not about you. And I realize I completely made it about me. Right. No, I know, because sometimes, you know, you might have put something vulnerable out there or, you know, you were you were feeling bad.

So it's kind of like you want to hear that it's okay. You know what I mean? Like you didn't, or tell me if I offended you because I'd like to try to make good on it or whatever. But again, it's all under the banner of you. Yes. Yeah. Uh, did you ever deal with any of that when your dad died? I, did you ever deal with feeling any sort of resentment from people you didn't get back to? You wrote really nice cards, though. I think I got back to everybody and the cards really were extremely meaningful. You know, there's something today about, well, back then it was normal, but even today, sending a card is such a sweet gesture for somebody to open up mail, have a hard copy of something.

It's just like an email really is kind of insulting in these times. Yeah. But when you send it, I don't think there has to be reciprocity. I really do think when it's a death, you don't have to respond to it. If it's a wedding gift, you've got to respond to it. But I think you have to assume in a death that they're getting over it. They have other shit they need to deal with besides being punctual about replying. Yeah. It would be interesting to take things that are now such electronic messages that are sent and trying it in the old U.S. mail.

Like just sending someone a letter like, you up? You still up? Just those words on a card. Open up a card, LOL. I think you would totally get laid. I mean, you would totally win the person over. That's hilarious. Or just sending, how about sending dick pics to the U.S. mail?

I think that's charming. Yeah. It's traditional. Then you get an emoticon of a face with its mouth open from the dick pic. It would take weeks just to have like a five-minute conversation. You'd be playing. Meanwhile, my daughters are out there. I'm like screaming, send a dick pic through the U.S. Mail.

Luckily, they don't know what the U.S. Mail is. Sadly, they know what a dick pic is. They think it has hair on the shaft, though. You're masturbating for seven weeks through a back and forth sexting through the U.S. mail. All right, listen, let's get to listener mail. This is actually from the Apple Podcast Reviews, which we cannot thank you enough. People have been very generous in taking an extra couple minutes.

Oh, God, so nice. Thank you all for listening, by the way. I didn't know we would be doing it this regular and this long. And with these big numbers, and that's why we have to take the Joe Jackson song out, is because now we're actually a legitimate podcast. So you gave us a lot of nice Apple podcast reviews.

We thought it'd be nice to read a couple of them. Dr. Fitzgibbon said, unquestionably, the two funniest stupid old honkies in the business. So that's nice. Huh. Stupid. Okay. I'll take honky. I'll take honky. I'll take honky.

I'll take old. But I don't think I'm stupid. I do think I'm stupid, which is why I put out my absolute best. That's the thing about someone who thinks they're stupid. They're going to work really fucking hard for you. Find somebody with low self-esteem. Hire them. You're going to get 110%.

Same with marrying them. Marry them. Go find a nice stupid gal oresteem. Hire them. You're going to get 110%. Same with marrying them. Marry them. Go find a nice stupid gal or girl. Gal or girl. Gal or guy. See how stupid I am? And ugly. Find an ugly woman.

I love that bit of yours. You know? What is it? Make them sweat? Oh, yeah. Find somebody you're better than and then just kick back and watch them hustle. It's so true because we've all been on the end of where we're hustling, of course, you know, with a better looking person who's more desirable.

Right, right. No, now it's like you want to, she starts talking, you're like, excuse me, excuse me. I had something to say. Zip it. Totally. So here's another one. DB Constitution wrote, it's the only news I'm willing to listen to right now.

And we get a lot of that. A lot of people really, I think it's become like, not to compare ourselves to The Daily Show, but there were a lot of people that only got their news from a comedy show for a while. Like literally, that was a big thing when when Jon Stewart was was on the air. Oh, totally. You know, that was all people would do. Yeah. Oh, and now very legitimately, so many people get their news from Twitter because sometimes it's very legitimate. Like the story in the New York Times will be trending, you know, so it's a New York

Times article or Washington Post or whatever. But it's also just trending on, you know, it's one stop shopping for their lists of what's the 10 biggest news stories. What do you think is the most nonpartisan news source that like both sides could comfortably agree on the news coming from it? When I feel I'm not getting the story, which I feel a lot from CNN or any place where obviously money is the number one driver, you know what I mean? So I'll go then to switch over to Fox. And I know it's somewhere in between. to switch over to Fox. And I know it's somewhere in between, uh, cause Fox won't even cover some, they literally will not even cover some stories, uh, if they don't like it. So, and CNN won't cover some as well. Like, like the Biden accuser was a great example. So anyway, uh, you know, Al Jazeera, it sounds really weird, but Al Jazeera, um, has a website and obviously news and BBC. You know, I tend to go outside of the country.

Yeah, The Guardian is really good. I'm drawn to things that also need to be less successful, like PBS or even NPR, which I know NPR leans left. Don't get me wrong. But on some stories where it's not political, I just believe NPR is not driven. They don't need the clickbait as much. I'm not saying that they don't need it, but definitely far less than someone like MSNBC or CNN, who's so desperate for views. They're just working backwards from views to monetize it.

No, I will always turn on NPR. If I'm really looking to get the newest take on a lesbian bongo quartet that's taking on postmodern feminism, I definitely want to catch that during the music hour that they do at nine. Yeah. But I wouldn't mind some, I'm sure we have fair-minded listeners who could maybe suggest, you know, Alex, you know what I've been going to recently and I hadn't gone there in over 10 years. And I know he's a despicable guy, but the Drudge Report, it's really interesting.

I've been going on the Drudge Report lately because he just, he doesn't give a shit about, you know, the format of it and it looking pretty. He just has literally almost like typewriter font, like 15 stories listed. And it's breaking news because that's what that guy's trying to be known for and all that and has been. So I've noticed a lot of actually anti-Trump and anti-Republican things on there, which didn't used to be the story at all. Now I'm so out of touch with it. I'm wondering if he's not into Trump, you know, because he was into Bush, so to speak. You know, he really like, you know, you just knew when you were going in, which I like knowing. I like when I read The New York Times, they lean left. I like knowing where this person can calibrate it.

You can calibrate it. Yeah. I can't calibrate drugs right now. I don't know where it's at. calibrate it you can calibrate it yeah i can't calibrate drugs right now i don't know where it's at yeah i know you really need two or three sources i think you're right you got to go to fox and also go to msnbc and then also find something international and sort of triangulate the three stories because yeah you know but who's got fucking eight hours a day so um i do so that's why you need to just listen to sunday, and you can find out the important stories, like Hitler's alligator. You know, stuff that's really pressing. Yeah. Totally.

This is also from Gigi McCorkindale. Mike is a raspy comedy king. Wow, I was about to slam that made-up last name, but okay, I'll hold my tongue. Go ahead. Fitz is a joke-writing road dog super freak stand up. So I think we've got our WWE titles now. Yeah, we sure do.

And then Joanne said, ready for this? I seem to have a crush on these guys. She's saying it like she's discovered a rare disease. She's not embracing it. She's not happy about it. But that's kind of like what you say when you're like, I think snakes are cute. It's like she's confessing. You know sloths?

Isn't there something sexy about them? Is it just me? Right. I think it's like when a guy admits he's a chubby chaser. You find a chat room. You don't tell the general public. You find your niche other people that also think you and I are cute. Or also like, okay, two things. You have to hear me out. It's so disgusting the homeless guy's masturbating outside my door.

But it's a little bit of a turn on. No? I mean, it is a man. He is a man and he's going to town. Well, you remember Louis had that great episode where there's a girl who likes to fuck old guys. And during sex, she'd say, say more old guy stuff. And he'd be like, I got psoriasis on this patch on my forehead. Oh, my God. Say more. I got to roll over my IRA account into a Roth this month. I had a scandal in The New York Times three years ago. All right. I think it's time, Mike.

People have earned it. They've sat through the news. And the only way to cleanse the palate after the kind of hard-hitting stories that we have, only way to cleanse the palate after the kind of hard hitting stories that we have like um hand sanitizers explode is to hit you with some sunday comics these are the sunday comics this is i have to say one of my favorite things of the whole week uh the view the listeners probably don't realize i'm on the same page as they are i have i have the la times here and there's no and and the funnies, and there's no Hager.

So it is totally new to me. I don't even know what's coming when you read Hager. I find a dumb family circus because we do this on Saturdays. So I am very excited. I got a fucking Hager for you this week. You're going to love this.

And by the way, our website's being built. By next week, you're going to be able to go to the website and see the comics that we are referencing for yourselves. First frame, hagger sitting in a chair drinking a beer. Dog comes up with a leash in his mouth and says, woof. And so they're walking down the street. His dog has a Viking helmet on. And coming from the opposite direction is a fair maiden with golden hair.

And she is walking a pink poodle with well-coiffed hair on its head and tail. And she says to Hager, will your dog hurt my Fifi? Cut to the next frame. Hager, will your dog hurt my Fifi? Cut to the next frame. Hager's dog is fucking mauling this dog whose eyes are wide open and frozen in fear as slobber comes off and Hager's dog has his eye closed as he humps this frightened dog.

And then as he's walking away, Hager looks back at the woman and says, he can be a heartbreaker. Okay. There's a lot to unpack there. First of all, I totally assumed Hager was going to rape the dog. Right in front of her. As his dog patiently waited like that.

It's like you have to wait for your dog to shit and piss. The dog's waiting for Hager to finish raping Fifi. And then he just politely goes, nope, my dog will do nothing to Fifi. And the worst thing is, as they're walking away, Fifi is looking past them and she has hearts surrounding her head. She enjoyed it. That's the message. That's true. she enjoyed it.

That's the message. That's true. Yep. That's the message Dick Brown is putting out to you is like Hager getting his wife by absconding her from a castle. They come around. You just got to show them what's what. Again, this is a pretty woke version as far as Haggers go,

because first of all, a woman is walking just alone on the street. Yeah. Right. and uh and is not raped yeah and really close the door during those days you walk with a mastiff for a pit bull when you're when you're a lone woman walking in viking territory yeah some irish wolfhound you got while you pillaged ireland yeah right totally oh that's a good one uh let's go to our friend uh andy cap andy cap if you don't know is a guy who is a degenerate gambler uh dart thrower who who whose wife does nothing but fucking care for him as he shits on her head while drunk.

So on this one, she is on all fours scrubbing the floor with a bucket next to her. Andy walks across her, footsteps on her back as he walks out the door whistling. And then she looks at the camera and says, every Christmas tries to cause a rose so we won't have to buy me a present. So not only is he stepping on his wife while she scrubs the floor, he's doing it so they'll have a fight and he doesn't have to buy her anything for Christmas. The logic is a little, why not just buy her nothing for christmas is he afraid of is he afraid of her reaction if he doesn't like the the logic you know what i don't want her to be angry at me that i don't buy her a christmas present let me step on her back as I go out on Christmas. Also.

Oh, God. And these women, they just stay in the... These comic strips are a testament to the fact that the divorce rate pre-1950 was zero. And men loved that shit. He did respect the floor. I guess that was part of it. I imagine that's part of it is he didn't mess up her floor. Oh, God.

She can wash her shirt. And then he's always at the bar, and she's always coming to collect him at the bar. She's slaved over a hot oven, and now she's got to collect him. And as she's getting him, invariably, he takes a shit on her to the bartender who's in on it. Surprise, surprise. I actually did get you a Christmas present.

I tied these doormats together, and I think you should wear them while you're cleaning our floor. There's one in the front and one in the back depending on which side i step on on my way out i decided for christmas this year not gonna hit you didn't even wrap it um it's time for family circus now you have one i have one as well so uh just listen honestly i can't even explain mine. Why don't you go ahead with yours? You're going to love this one. This is the kind of writing that has made Bill, what's his name? Keene.

Bill Keening. Keene, I think. Keene. All right, whatever. It doesn't matter. Has made him the legend that he is. Billy and his older sister are sitting on the ground on a couple pillows. Billy has his chin in his hand

and he's looking at his big sister who is explaining, quote, Mrs. Clark told our class a rolling stone gathers no moths. You're done, right? That's... It's one frame.

That's it. That's it. Take the week off. You're done, Bill. You've done it again. I do like my theory that somehow in the mix, there's been a mix-up

and that Family Circus was always intended to be two frames and all the newspapers lost the second frame with the joke so we are seeing it's groundbreaking actually an avant-garde this comic strip only has setups i mean but just write a fucking thousand of them where the where the kid mispronounces something

just take a word, change the last couple of letters and get to that golf course for your 915 tee time. Get up at seven, sharpen your pencil. This is the one I had. It's a little similar in the little boy is talking to the dad who's leaning over and the kid has his hands clenched and he's we learned doing a magic trick and he goes when i ask you which hand it's in don't pick this one uh-huh yep that you you're just observing things that people that's like having a comic strip like the grandma like i forgot why i came in this room to get i forgot what i came in this room to get. Yeah. Right. Like, yeah. No, he sits. He doesn't have an office because his office is life. And Bill sets up a desk in the living room. And then whoever walks in, whatever they say, that's this week's strip.

That's how hard he pushes himself. Why don't we honestly write whoever's syndicating this shit and say, can we do one? We're we'll have, uh, is there a, just make something up. Is there a comic about pets alone during the day? I know pets are alone anymore,

but pets alone during the day. And we'll write dialogue about them. Like funny observations about what humans do or, but we'll try to write a joke. Yeah. Not all the time. Cause you don't need to. But we'll try to write a joke. Yeah. Not all the time because you don't need to, but we'll try to write a joke, I don't know, once a month to keep you off guard. It's like that golf shot, like, oh, shit, I'm going to keep reading

because that one was funny. Right. It's that time you make love to your wife and you actually put a little something into it. Yeah. And then you know, I think we're having sex again before three months goes by. This time. This pandemic's been tough. It's been tough, Mike. I'm not going to lie to you. I think I think also people's sex drives. Hey, by the way, regarding the pandemic.

So yesterday, the kids and I just decided to walk up to support this cafe and just get sandwiches for dinner from them. Right. So you order it. They have a whole, I don't know if the rest of the country, what you guys have, but like, they like show them, like they clean off the bag. They even clean your credit card, you know, all this stuff. Right. So if they use it or you just stick it. So super safe on the way up outside, at least four bars, crowds of people on the street, outside the bars, drinking. Yeah, right. And then noise till 1 a.m. last night on Main Street in Santa Monica.

Yeah. Like, people are done. Yeah. Like, they want to socialize, and it's Friday night, a Memorial Day weekend. They wanted to drink with people. Right. Right. Yeah. And which leads obviously to sex in what, 20, 20 to 30 percent of those people are going to have sex with each other that night. I know. I mean, yeah, it's it's tough. I wonder, like, do you kiss? I mean, I know you're having sex and you're all over each other,

but isn't there, there is something about thinking about, you know, you've been conditioned to like not expose your mouth to the open air when you're walking outside. Now you're going to stick your tongue down someone's throat.

It seems like there's going to be a little mental bump in the road with that. I don't know. People weren't wearing condoms during AIDS. People are, you know, they don't like being told what to do and they enjoy not being told what to do. I think the people that are at the bars have that mentality. Well, also decision making goes out the window, you know, the more you drink. So there's that. Right. But a lot of it, though, was, you know, maybe less sexually driven. And it really was just, please, please, they're starting to loosen it up.

That's all I needed, a semi-green light or a yellow light. I am getting out there. All right. It's time for Blondie. This is how we wrap it out. Week after week. I almost forgot about Blondie. This is how we wrap it out. Week after week. I almost forgot about Blondie. A little Blondie for you.

Speaking of sex without kissing, go ahead. This one's really something because Herb, it's Dagwood and Herb, and they're watching a football game. I think it's actually it's the Super Bowl. Herb or Her? Herb, his friend Herb, who's this mustached fucking douchebag from across the street who's got a wife who uh who they they have like you know dinners together and it's the four of them a lot so blondie's in the kitchen and she is uh stirring something in a pan she's got a lime

green sweater on it's got a mock turtlene, but it seems to be really fucking cinched around the waist, making her breasts protrude that much more right over the pan. The tits are hanging over the pan. And in the next room, you can just hear screaming, no way, impossible. How can that be? So now Blondie can hear it, and she looks into the next room. It's like the All in the Family setup. The kitchen is right off the living room.

And so now cut back to these two douchebags on the couch yelling at the TV, there's another one. No way that was a late hit. And now Blondie walks in. She has changed outfits. And now Blondie walks in. She has changed outfits. She has on the Penthouse Magazine version of an umpire outfit.

Tight pants with a black stripe going down and a black and white striped shirt that is long sleeved. But her hourglass figure, it's a mockery. It is like a guy's fantasy. It's like they are living in a hooters so she comes in minus the chicken wings and says penalty flag excessive noise no more yelling for the next five minutes and then as she's walking out and they're both looking at her including herb who's got a fucking erection and she goes they're disappointed if i don't do that at least once during every super bowl well then why well she said that yes why does that affect you blondie their disappointment dictates a fucking outfit change as you're cooking them food? Also, is this, is she talking to herself like very Shakespearean? Is this, who's she saying this to?

Now she's talking to camera. She's breaking the fourth wall. Oh. Yeah. She's looking at you, which is one of the tricks that Blondie uses, or the cartoonist. I forget who does Blondie. And Dean Young, I think, is the guy's name.

Maybe she's just fully insane now and she just talks to herself and she thinks they like that. I'm going to go interrupt their game dressed as a referee. Yeah, she's drinking sherry from the time she wakes up and prepares that dolt for his mid-level job. She should get in there more and review the plays, you know, just stare at the TV really closely for five minutes. Stick her ass out as she bends over.

Yeah. Oh, God. And then the worst thing is, as you know, if they lose the game, Dagwood's not even throwing a move on her that night. No, they're getting too hammered and too full with food also, I think. Yeah, right. All right, Mike Gibbons, we've done it again. We did it.

The Sunday paper has been completed. Thank you guys again for listening. Right. All right, Mike Gibbons, we've done it again. We did it. The Sunday papers have been completed. Thank you guys again for listening. If you want to send us logos, this week's logo. God, I forgot who made it, but I'm going to mention it next week. There was a funny one sent to us during the week. I saw it on Twitter or something. It wasn't very flattering.

It was the Silence of the lambs logo. Oh, yeah. But it had the butterfly over your mouth. And then my face was the butterfly as a reference to your- Oh, I gave a shout out to that guy. Yeah, that guy sent that. That was great. Yeah, that was really cool.

And that's going to be this week's logo on the intranet, Instagram and Twitter. Well, I don't know. I put that up last week, by the way. I put that out there on Instagram. Won't it be confusing because it's not in this week's show? I think people are still talking about your one-man show about Silence of the Lambs last week. I shouldn't even confess that it was more than twice as long, and I cut it down.

I can't stop talking about it because I completely ignored his first visit. Her first visit, their first session, anyway. Well, we'll get into that on the next one. On the next Sunday Papers. Well, let's wrap up the fish with that one. Is that what the logo is? Is that what the sign out is? Is that what the sign out is? Is that what the sign out is?

I don't even know. It's not even called sign out. What is it, sign off? Sign off. Wrap a string around it, drop it at the curb. We're done with the Sunday papers. See you next week, Mike. All righty, man.

Take it easy. Be safe. Be safe. Be safe.