Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 120 6/26/22

Episode Date: June 26, 2022

Oh yeah we talk about it. And then some. Also an Oklahoma theatre fast forwards past a Buzz Lightyear kiss, something scary comes out of a Florida woman’s pants and ‘what is the best first song on a first album’?

All right, we're going to do this a third time. Hold on. Third time. Craig, clap again now. Three, two, one. And I'm going to clap in for a third time. Three, two, one. Read all about it.

Read all about it. All the news that we get to after we cover our personal news before the podcast for 45 minutes. Here it is. After what? Sunday Papers. After what? What happened? That was some good shit talking.

We just shit talked for 48 minutes before the podcast started. Oh my God, we did. I got nothing left. Thank God I took some drugs. I took Ritalin. We're going to have some energy. This is a double Ritalin day. Huh?

This is a double Ritalin day for us. This is a double Ritalin day for us. It should be. I did. I'll confess. I only took one, but I also have a coffee here. So I probably will have no voice by the end of this also because I'll be screaming celebratory screams. Finally murder is illegal or not endorsed by Washington, DC. That's the way I should say it. Well, you know, this is a, this is all comes out of a friend of ours.

I won't say his name because he doesn't like to say things controversial publicly. Check, check. But his theory is that, you know, the Christians are trying to stop abortion because the priests have run out of kids to molest. I'm not going to say his name. All right. Sounds good. I'm not going to say his name alright sounds good but it does coincide with them stopping immigrants from coming in and us having a labor shortage

in this country right we're going to have to have different kinds of toys for babies now to prepare them for the lives that they have ahead aren't some people panicked that there aren't that the white babies are being outnumbered?

Isn't that one of the general drives? Replacement theory. Yeah, white replacement theory. So wouldn't abortion help their cause? Wouldn't it increase the ratio of white babies? I'm making a giant assumption. I wonder what the statistics are. I don't know the demographics

i know more poor people get abortions than wealthy people um and that people of color tend to be on the poor end of the spectrum but i don't know i chris will you look up the stats on race and abortion let's get right into the fucking belly of this thing I'm sure Chris's version of the internet has those stats readily available oh yeah yeah they're probably already saved in his white baby project folder that's on his

desktop yeah his white replacement theory folder has a lot of stats and a lot of solutions yeah I mean wouldn't this help the replacement theory? But maybe the babies, these new

babies that are going to be, these unwanted babies, the toys are going to be like grapes you can pick off of a vine, like Velcro grapes. Yeah. And like little vacuum cleaners and lawnmowers, like toy lawnmowers.

Okay. Okay. I don't know. Listen, I am not, I shouldn't even be talking about this issue because I think the term, when they talk about which term and how far into it, I wanted to extend it to 700 weeks where you can kill the new life. How many years is that? I don't know. I'm not good at math.

700. I think you're dead by then anyway. 50 into that? What is that going to be? Is that 14 years old? I don't know how. Well, let's say 14 times three would be 42, which would be... So 42 trimester, the 42nd trimester. Okay. All right, here's the stats. Uh-oh. Among those aged 15 to 44, there were 23.8 abortions per 1,000 non-Hispanic black women.

So 11.7 abortions per 1,000 Hispanic women and 6.6 abortions per 1,000 non-Hispanic white women. Wow. So white people have 6.6. This is pewresearch.org. Phew. Wow. So I didn't hear it.

So sum it up for me. So out of 1,000 abortions, out of 1 thousand abortions, out of a thousand people, 6.6 whites have an abortion. 11.7 Hispanics have an abortion and 23.8. So it is. Oh, yeah. So I'm right. Yeah. So black women have the highest percentage. Reported. Of course, this is all reported. That's interesting. They are the eugenics do not play out for their side on this. Right. Well, I don't know. I mean, there's statistics. What is it? Lies, damn lies and statistics.

You know, does that include the pills? Like, yeah, I don't know. I also don't know what I'm, I don't know what I'm talking about either. So I would say. This is what I love though. I know we're getting right into it off the top. If you haven't gone, there are, there are, you know, relatively few times, but like where I'm, I'm literally like proud to be in the comedy community. When I was in late night, when Bush Jr., a complete fucking bozo who now I'm so tortured. I love that guy painting in the White House. If he ran next election, I'd probably vote for him versus who knows who the Democrats are going to put up. But anyway, you know who else would vote for him? Al Qaeda, because he created them.

Yeah, he's fucking the he was the worst at that time. And but late night and The Daily Show and like we're the only people calling him an idiot. And the journalists fucking basically weren't trying hard enough like to call the shit out. And I was very proud then. And then there are moments like with the, uh, the onion, did you read their headlines? Yeah. I mean, we should just read some now. I mean, they went and I remember I, I, I got the, um, it was a tweet that someone put out that said, here it is. The onion isn't taking any prisoners today. And they put a bunch together. And if you haven't seen them, I'll read a couple now. They were just headlines. Supreme Court votes five to four to to throw beer bottle at slut.

Supreme Court rules five to four to reopen Japanese internment camps. Supreme Court votes five four to lock nation's toddlers in hot cars. Let's see. Some are clever. Supreme Court votes five four to drive slowly alongside woman walking home alone at night. Yeah.

Supreme Court. Yeah, that's good. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to reclassify women as service animals. Last one. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to make it illegal for women to deceive men with makeup. So anyway, those were great yesterday. So we'll get into this more in the top story because it's in the news.

It's in the news. We'll get to it then. It was a news story. What else is going on? We had, uh, I had the Segura event. hold on oh it's allison rosen from my other podcast let's put her on all right hey allison you're on sunday papers we're recording

hi fitzy hi gibsy hello she can't hear me oh you can't hear him because he's on a on my but i say hi he says hi hello how, what's he saying? Hello. How's the show going? Show's going good. We were talking about abortions, and we just opened the show with abortions as we must. Yes. I know.

It's quite a thing. What a great time for America. You know, I just saw on Instagram there's quite a little kerfuffle because I guess on Twitter someone was saying that Ivanka Trump had an abortion. Do you know about this? Oh, I did not know that. Ivanka is his wife or his daughter? Daughter. Okay. I guess they drove her to get an abortion or something. I haven't gone to Twitter. I haven't seen it yet. So then in the comments on Instagram,

people who are very pro-choice are like, she has the right to privacy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then other people are saying, why are you know, you're why are you defending an oppressor? And it's just I feel like you and I have offline talked about this. Like the left ties themselves in knots and really shoots themselves. And look, I'm as left as they come. But like we shoot ourselves in the foot trying to be so pure and so good. And like we are fucking ourselves over with this bullshit. Yep. Well, abortions are something that women have to stop pretending they don't have because that's how the right is winning. They shame you and they want to keep it secret. Women have to own it.

You should see like minivans with like the back window. You know how you have like the outlines of each kid? Yes. And then one of them just has an X through it. Just says, not a good time. Right. Yes. Yeah.

We got to own it. We should do that. Don't. Right. Yeah. It should just be like just fetal parts. Right. Blobs.

Have I called into your podcast? What the fuck is happening here? I get the sense because you told me that you're doing a show right now. So I was just. All right. Have I called into your podcast? What the fuck is happening here? Because you told me that you're doing a show right now. So I was just... All right, I'll call you as soon as we're done and we'll figure out Monday. Wonderful, yes. Okay, bye.

God bless. Okay, bye. That's interesting. Ivanka Trump, of course. How many abortions... What's the under-over on how many abortions Donald Trump has paid for oh you libtards i don't want to talk about that it's a lot i bet you a dozen a dirty does a baker's

dozen um is that what a dirty dozen is um i had rosie's bagels last week, and Dickie wouldn't let me pay the dick. Oh, stop it. Are you serious? I want some. Oh, my God. Here's the thing. You cut them in half, the ones you can't get to, and you freeze them. You got to cut them in half first, though.

Otherwise, it's a goddamn odyssey where you almost cut your wrist off when you're trying to cut a frozen bagel to put it in the toaster. So then they're ready for the toaster, man. Two rounds in the toaster. Holy shit. They're so good. Yeah. Weeks later. Rosie's bagels.

Get them if you live on the West Side. How about that for a conversation changer from your killing baby conversation? So I had a fun week. I went out. Tom Segura has a new book out and it is number two on the New York Times bestsellers list after one fucking day. It was crazy. And it's really good.

I read it. I had to read it. He asked me to moderate this thing. You put a lot of really decent effort into that. From what I've gathered, you were an amazing moderator. I had a lot of fun. I was honored that he asked me. I really was.

And so he was number two, and the number one book of the week was these two Fox News commentators talking about how we're ruining children by making them all snowflakes, which he was very upset that that's the book that beat him. Yeah. And so at the end of the show,

I did a trivia contest with him, and he won, and I gave him a copy of the book that was number one this week. You also tell them about Barnes & Noble. Oh, and then I went to Barnes & Noble, and I told him on the book talk that he was not on the bestseller table. You know they have the tables at Barnes & Noble? Yes, of course. They make it easy for you, yeah. This is like summer reading, teen novels, like different tables. And I could not find his book on the bestseller.

I couldn't find it nonfiction. It was in like humor buried. So I got like 15 copies and I spread them all over the Pride Month table. The gay Pride Month. Perfect. He self-identifies as a bear, so there you go. Yeah, right. So that was fun as shit.

That's great. And then what else? We played some golf this week. We'll get to the Gubbins thing later. Yeah. You're playing a lot of golf. Your game turned around. You took some lessons and

you're like, what'd you shoot the other day? Ah, whatever. Not good. I have to get this, whatever. I have to fix my left hip and then we'll see. Then we'll see where my ceiling is in golf. Everyone seems to have found their ceiling and they have occasional days where they break through. I guess it's like with any sport. So we'll see. I don't think I've found my ceiling yet. Well, I'm going to take a lesson because I embarrassed myself. I played last week at a fancy country club and I got intimidated a little bit. I tightened

up and I played like garbage. I'm going to take some lessons. Alright. Yeah. Why not? We want to thank Bullroar MMA for today's gay pride logo. It's very sweet. It's actually an old one from a story about a guy.

It was a gay guy with no arms and legs and his partner. I'm wondering what that is. So I'm the guy. I'm just the torso with a head? You're the torso. All right. And I love you even though you have no arms and legs, so I can't get hand jobs from you or anything.

No, it looks like I have a working face, though. Oh, yeah. And I have no legs. What am I? I'm in a field? Yeah, you're in a field. This guy had no arms and legs. This was an actual photo.

I think they had just gotten married. They got gay married. Oh, my God. You could just walk away, and I just would be laying in that field. Let's just say it's the kind of relationship every man wants. Right. Yeah, you just got a mouth on top of a torso. A working mouth on top of a torso.

That's, and you can, it's like, you could put that under the seat in front of you on an airplane. Or an overhead bin. I look like the size of a carry-on bag that blows you. Yeah. It's a blow bag. And you feed the person. So they have to blow you for food. And maybe I have a hole down where my genitals would have been. Maybe it's even, it's like those don't, I'm asking genuinely, like the sex dolls. Sometimes isn't it just the torso? I'm not familiar with the sex dolls.

I've never, I've never felt the sex doll. I don't mean the blow up kind. I mean like even in Dave, wasn't it just like down to where the hole is? No legs? I can't remember. Maybe there were legs which made it more awkward. I forget't remember. Maybe there were legs, which made it more awkward. I forget.

Anyway. Wasn't there a movie where the guy cut off the woman's arms and legs? There was. There was a movie. And he had sex with her. Was there a box involved? Boxing Helena or something? Yes.

Boxing Helena. Wow. Where did that come from? We might be wrong. No, that's right. That's right. And then I love the movie. It was so good. And I will not remember the name, but where he fell in love with the blow-up doll

and the whole town kind of honored it. Oh, really? Oh, my God. It was so good. What the fuck was the name of that? Maybe Chris can look it up. Would you would you if left if someone dropped off a blow up doll like a real state of the art one? Would you have sex with it? Of course. Yeah, of course. Like, what do you mean? Lars and the real girl? Oh, no, that's not right.

So good. No, that's the one I'm talking about. Where the town was another one boxing Helena. No, I know. I know. We know that we've already been through that. Yeah. Um,

wait, what, why is this a trick question? Why wouldn't I have sex with a state of the art doll that's created for that purpose? When you came out to Vegas, when I hosted the porn awards, uh,

you came out, a bunch of guys came out and the and the party favors the table. You know, usually there's flowers in the middle of the table at an event and everybody takes flowers. These these these party favors were dildos and fake vaginas. They call them what do they call them? Women. Fake vaginas are women in Los Angeles. And so we all took them, and then we went out on a limo,

and we went to strip clubs, and we were playing with our fake vaginas, using it like puppets, making fun of it. We gave them as tips to the dancers. Oh, right. Remember? And they loved them. Pocket pussies, right. Pocket pussies.

So then we all went back to our hotel rooms, and the next day we meet up for breakfast at noon, and I was like, did you fuck yours? And you're like, yeah, you fuck yours? I was like, yeah, I fuck mine. So everybody fucked theirs. Because if you're alone in the room with it, you have to. Right.

And then I didn't know what to do with it because I was not going to bring it home. I wasn't going to get busted going through airport security with a fake pussy. I didn't going to bring it home. I wasn't going to get busted going through, you know, airport security with a fake pussy. I didn't want to leave it in the trash basket because I don't, the maid doesn't need to be put through that trauma. It's filled with cum. Yeah.

So I, what I did was I left it in the pocket of the bathrobe in the closet as a time bomb. Who knows the next guy that's in Vegas that wants to really go deep into the Vegas experience. Throw that robe on. I, Jesus, it's already.

Oh yeah. A sloppy seconds robe. I, uh, I don't think I did. I don't think I, I, I don't think I've ever had sex with a fake vagina.

No, I, I didn't enjoy it that much. They've gotten better from what you see even on Instagram. Like there are ads for them. At least in my algorithm. I've got a foot massager at home that you put your feet into and you push the button, and I get scared that it's going to hurt my feet.

So the Fleshlight, I had a lot of hesitations. Is your foot massager Asian? Yes, it is, as a matter of fact. Is it made in Japan or China? We want to thank, our song this week came from Les Conley. He did kind of a Frampton sounding thing, but I didn't think it was so close that we're going to get flagged for it. But it was very groovy. Nice. Mouth thing.

And Denman wants to know, how many fleshlights did they send you in the early Fitz Dog days? Yeah, that was literally the first company to advertise on podcasts was the fleshlight. But I don't think I ever did it. I don't think I had the fleshlight. Yeah. Corrections. Adam Bean says, think i ever did it i don't think i had the fleshlight yeah corrections adam bean says uh the correction suicide hotline number is from a song not really a correction more like a

refinement that phone number is the words in a popular song for either young people or hip people which rules out all of us um all right. I guess we gave out the wrong number for the suicide hotline. Oh, great. So it was a lot of people's last call. Good job, Greg. Hey, Greg, the Billy Squires song is called The Stroke. Oh, I called it Stroke Me.

That's from Greg Milsoff, owns Jasper's Tavern. I don't know where Jasper's Tavern is, but it sounds like a fun place. Yeah. Seth said, a couple weeks ago, while talking about the JFK assassination, you mentioned hobos being arrested behind what you called the Texas school book suppository. You probably meant depository, which is a warehouse, rather than suppository, which is a missile-shaped form

of medicine that you shove up your ass. Paging Dr. Freud. Is he unaware of the giant suppository conspiracy theory? Hello? There's like four documentaries on it. Wait, so that's a library I've been sticking up my ass when I have hemorrhoids? No wonder it's getting worse. Haven't you seen the movie where the suppository went through the arm this way, then change direction, came back through his torso and then his asshole planted right in his asshole.

She scrambles on the back of the roof to pull his anus back into the car. Dude, just see the movie. Lady Bird Johnson starts pumping her fist. Seth said, Oh no, that was Seth. Then we got, do we want to read this one? Which one? Oh, yeah, this is interesting.

This is from Turf, who's from Western Australia. All right, Turf. On the last episode, you were discussing a last meal before execution. Mike said he was mixed on the last meal. Are you really hungry? And you know it is coming right out. Sorry, but this is incorrect. My girlfriend is head of department at a palliative care ward at a hospital.

She attends and certifies multiple deaths a day. Wow. Jesus. She said people do not shit themselves at the time of death. Over dinner one night, I asked who cleans up when the corpse shits itself. She said that does not happen. That's rubbish. The body shuts down.

The intestines do not continue working and moving things around. All right. I don't know. If his wife was coming at me with a needle, I'm just saying I'd shit my pants. That's right. I'm not saying it happens when I'm dead. Yeah. I'm just saying whatever I just put in.

I'm dead. Yeah. I'm just saying whatever I just put in. Also, the electric chair is still around, right? Is it Texas? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They use the electric chair.

Old sparky or whatever. Anyway, you have to shit yourself when you get electrocuted, no? I think you bite your tongue off. I think you foam at the mouth. I think you get an erection a lot. No, hanging, you get an erection. What? Yes. When they hang you, many times you get an erection. Are you talking about when you're masturbating as you're hanging yourself? Nope. Nope. In actual hangings, you get an erection. I don't know about that. Chris, can you look that up? Is that why everyone attended them, like public events?

Yeah. Women exclusively. It was like Chippendales back in the 1800s. Your body does. Unless this is also Hollywood bullshit. Doesn't your body release fluid, though? Maybe it's just fluid. You definitely pee yourself because I just watched the Staircase series and she peed herself. Oh, all right. Oh, here we go.

Maybe the owl peed on her. One final erection, often called angel lust or a terminal erection. It happens in the moments after death. Most commonly, it occurs in people who have died from hanging. Scientists believe it may be due to pressure from the noose on the cerebellum. So there you go. Wow. All right. Explains a lot of choking. I mean, I think there's other things going on there, but all right. Maybe it's an added benefit. Speaking of dying, we're all going to die. Every one of us is going to die. Some of us will leave behind loved ones who don't have any money. So that's why you need to get some life insurance. It gets more expensive the older you get, so get it while you're young, and it's really not a lot. I was shocked. I've had life insurance since my kids were born, and it's not a lot.

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Oh, here we go. It's a weak crinkle. I know. I got to get a fresher crinkle going. All right. Do you want me to read this or? Yeah. Why don't you read this? Boy, uplifting podcast. Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court on Friday ruled six to three that states can restrict or outright ban abortion at any point during a pregnancy, overturning the landmark 1973 decision that enshrined abortion protections in federal law, along with a subsequent decision that affirmed those protections in 1991.

Let's see. Roe and Planned Parenthood versus Casey must be overruled, Justice Samuel Alito declared. It is time to heed the Constitution and return the issue of abortion to the people's elected representatives. Public polling indicates the latter outnumber the former nearly two to one. two to one. So twice as many people want abortions in this country as are opposed to them. And yet somehow the rule of the land is going to be that. That they're illegal. No one would word it the way you just worded it. I think two to one includes people saying stay out of our bedroom and let, this is not, this is a woman's choice. This is a woman's body and we have no right to legislate that. Well, that is what's interesting about this is just that philosophically Republicans say

government stay out of my personal life. Right. Right. And here they are saying, wait, we want to get involved with that choice. Hey, here's the question. I know it's not original, but they're talking about if you go to another state, you can be prosecuted. If you leave, let's say, Kentucky and you go to another state to get an abortion abortion that because you're a Kentucky citizen, there's a chance, uh, depending on how this plays out, you'll be prosecuted. Is the guy prosecuted? No. Just a woman. Yep. What the fuck is that? Yeah. Like if the guy knows and oh, my God, if he's paying for it. But if the guy knows about this and is part of this decision and is part of this decision to abort the baby.

And I mean, won't this get crazy? What if the guy's not what if the guy's not into it? Or the other way around, what if the woman's not in it, but the guy's forcing her? Like, aren't these incredibly complex legal issues yeah and but why the fuck isn't the guy prosecuted yeah that's crazy i think if you drive a woman to an abortion clinic you can be prosecuted and the crazy thing is in texas you get ten,000 for narking on them. You can go to the police and say, I saw a guy drive a woman to get an abortion and you'll get 10 grand and the man will be arrested. You could also shoot them to death if they pull over as you're chasing them and trying to make the citizens arrest or to you know, to stop them, if they if they pull over and they just very quickly get out of their car and you fear for your life,

you're going to stand your ground and you can blow them both away. But don't shoot her in the stomach or you'll be prosecuted for abortion. Is that the catch? Yeah. Headshots. Make sure you stick with headshots. That's today's tip from Sunday Papers. because they're going to be the only Southern state who keeps it legal if they did that. And like Disney could have a section in the park. It would be like the abortion pavilion. You know, like I think they could. Yeah, it could solve a lot of financial issues down there. Yeah. Your abortion package. Instead, you have to be this tall to ride this ride. You have to be this fat to ride this ride. Your stomach has to be this big. Yeah. ride, you have to be this fat to ride this ride. Your stomach has to be this big. Yeah.

Yeah. And I think that, you know, look, here's the other thing is the states that have abortions legal are going to make a lot of money because it's a big business and women are going to be flying into, you know, flying into Los angeles if you hear a woman with a southern drawl at lax asking where uber is just give her a ride to the venice free clinic and afterwards wear protection so i don't know much about this at all right but aren't there pills aren't there i mean what they are vaguely described as abortion pills so are these are not jokes, clearly. But like, are they is that going to be the new like pot or drugs or cocaine that's FedExed because it's contraband? Like, in other words, you have a sister in a state that bans abortion. Couldn't couldn't you FedEx her? They're already. Yeah, that's what's going to happen.

But they've already criminalized, they're trying to criminalize mailing that stuff. And I forget there's another way. The New Yorker just did a piece about that, about how are they going to crack down on Plan Bs being mailed to people. And the problem with those Plan Bs is you're supposed to have a doctor follow up with you, you know, because you're passing the fetus with those. I mean, depending on how far into the abortion you are, into the pregnancy you are. So it's very dangerous to do it without a doctor overseeing it.

Right. You know, in addition to The Onion, and again, one of those moments where I'm so proud, which is rare, that I'm in the comedy industry, also making the rounds is that 1996 George Carlin rant on conservatives, the pro-life conservatives, and it's so powerful. Yeah. And it's up on a lot of sites, but make sure there's a shorter version of it before he gets to that. They, that they, you know, after he says they don't give a shit about you after you're born, but stay, try to find the longer one where he's like, but they give a shit about you as soon as you become old enough to go to war. Because he really continues to drive home this hypocrisy of the pro-life conservatives.

And anyway, it's really good. And he also, the short version doesn't include where it's plain and simple. They're anti-women. Right. And it's really great. And he's amazing. And here's my promise to you, Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm going to watch part two of the Carlin documentary. I actually had a conversation about it last night with my good friend, Jesse. I'm going to watch part two before next week. OK. Where did you go, Greg Fitzsimmons? Where did you go?

Okay. Where did you go, Greg Fitzsimmons? Where did you go? I'm reading Denman is writing us some details about Plan B, which is meant to be taken immediately after pregnancy. I was describing he didn't finish. Yeah, yeah. So you send your people, you just send them those pills. They have them when they want to use them, kind of like drugs.

Yeah. They are drugs. We also have, you want to read the Clarence Thomas? Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. What a pip. He wrote a concurring opinion this week in Friday's ruling overturning Roe v. Wade, And in Friday's ruling overturning Roe v. Wade, arguing the court should, quote, correct the error. That was the quote of rulings that protect same sex marriage and contraception access. Yeah. So he doesn't want to protect the right of a woman who was raped and to choose to terminate the pregnancy.

and to choose to terminate the pregnancy. But at the same time, he wants to maintain the right of a completely unhinged woman to help facilitate and legitimize sedition on our Capitol. So that's his cunt wife. So he's a complex guy. Yeah. Very complex individual. Big thinker, this guy.

He is really something. And he never talks. This is very rare for him to actually make statements. This is a hill he wants to be known for dying on. He's so in over his head in that fucking bench, man. Yeah. And so are some of the other ones that he just knew enough to shut up for this many years. Yeah. just knew enough to shut up for that this many years um yeah the uh and it is weird that the whole thing about whether or not uh it endangers the wife the other thing is like except in the

in texas the rule is except in the rape uh in the case of rape or incest rape or incest only only in the deep south you have to make a distinction between rape and incest. Like anywhere else, it's just assumed that if you fuck your daughter, it's not wanted. Right. In Texas, it's an or. Well, I guess it could be. I guess it's consensual, as we know down there. Yeah.

Here's another one. Disney, Netflix, and several other major media companies say their benefits cover will cover travel costs for employees who need to travel to seek abortions outside their home states. So some women, some women. Oh, here's what it says. Some of here's what it says. Netflix has reiterated a ten thousand dollar lifetime allowance for, quote, full time U.S. employees and their dependents who need to travel for cancer treatment, transplants, gender affirming care or abortion. And I think some women are going to double down if they if they do gender affirming care. They're going to fly in on Friday for the abortion, stay the weekend for the gender reassignment surgery, because who the fuck wants to be a woman in this country anymore? There it is.

There is one that's fine print, though. When you are taking Netflix's money as an employee to go across state lines to get your services, you must watch all the Chappelle specials on the flight. It's their one little, little detail detail the fine print yeah right and you know you're gonna have women that are gonna like tell their boss they missed a period just to get a free flight to the big apple for the weekend but uh you got to be judicious about what about your instagram posts yeah you can you can still go to a broadway show just not a musical. Go see Mr. Saturday Night. Then they'll know you're depressed and not really thinking straight.

Hey, honey, have you ever been to La Jolla in August? It's about two months away. Why don't you take off that condom and let's go. Let's go live it up. Yeah, they're going to have spas where they do abortions and then you can get a fucking salt rub. Is that a thing? The salt rub? Or is that for meat?

That's what you're questioning? Not the abortion in the spa? Yeah. All right. Total shocker. You ready? Yeah. Headline.

Texas woman conceives second child while pregnant and then she gives birth to twins. So the way I wrote this story was apparently a Texan woman was so psyched about the overturn of Roe v. Wade, she got pregnant twice in one term. Kara Winhold found out she was pregnant in March of 2021, but nearly one month later, she found out she was pregnant again and then carried both to almost term. They were premature, but both are healthy kids. So basically, a woman drops one egg per month, right? So one egg dropped. It got pregnant.

Yeah. And then the next month, another egg dropped and that got pregnant. So technically, they're not twins. Right. One is older than the other. Like one is going to be like, I've known mom a lot longer. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of them is going to be resentful. Like it's kind of like when you make the kid now share the bedroom.

Like what? Why are you why are you unpacking and building bunk beds? What the fuck is going on in this womb? Right, right, right. Yeah. And I wonder, will they know who the younger one is? Who got implanted first? Like, one of the kids is going to, like, gestate longer before making decisions. The other one is always in a rush.

Yeah. They're sitting in the kitchen. And then the slightly smaller one's constantly stealing food from the older one. It's like, I think I figured it out. I think I just figured it out. I can't believe the older kid didn't kill the younger one in the womb. That happens.

Right. Right. Yeah. That would be a good little Instagram video. Here's my strong son. Yeah. What's that? Here's my strong son.

Imagine how scared the original fetus in there was on the third month. Like this shit isn't happening again, is it? Yeah. Right. Right. How many are there going to be fucking nine in here by the end of this? Right.

It's like being in a prison cell and there's overcrowding. Maybe there was a third and they just ate it. Yeah. Travel? Oh, yeah. I put this story in here because, all right, I'm getting on a plane at some unspeakably early hour tomorrow morning and flying to New York with the girls

and with my nieces and my sister. We're going to Long Island for a little bit. And then, so LAX to JFK, and it hasn't been canceled yet. And then we're going upstate. So anyway, we'll talk about that a little. But this headline scared me. Travel mayhem soars for eighth day with thousands of delays and 700 cancellations in the U.S. sparking July 4th chaos fears. Overall, about 3% of scheduled flights have been canceled this month, up 1% from last year, and the total number of cancellations rose, oh my God, 16% to 13,581 flights from one year ago. The travel nightmare comes amid a pilot and staffing shortage.

Early in the pandemic, airlines urged many senior pilots, flight attendants, and other employees to take buyouts or early retirements, anticipating the industry would shrink and take some time to crawl back. Whoa. Yeah. So there crawl back. Whoa. Yeah. So there's that. Jesus. Hey, remember last year when we fired you because you were too old and we didn't think it was safe for you to be behind the wheel of a plane?

Can you man the midnight flight to Vegas? We'll throw in drink vouchers for Circus Circus and a bottomless lap dance at the Spearmint Rhino. Because you didn't get older since we fired you for being old, did you? Or like since we paid you to walk away? Also, you're drunk and on Viagra?

How long ago? No problem. Get in here. And as a good afternoon, good afternoon, passengers. My name is Captain Jim Danton and I will be flying the plane via Zoom today. It's a little remote retirement thing where I can work on weekends for a little extra cash, but I got all the controls right here in my den. No problem. Attention, passengers, if you could please put your seats up and someone could let me know where we're going. That would be fantastic. Thank you.

We have landed in, in what time is it here? Where, where are we? Attention passengers, please put up your, your window shades and can somebody help me get this clock? It's blinking 12 o'clock. I need to reset it. The worst is these old, they're going to forget to turn off their mic. And I guarantee you don't want to hear the stuff that's going on in that cockpit like most of the time.

Yeah, right, right. Totally no. Yeah. In an effort to address its legacy, let's skip this one. All right. Let's go down to good news for Gubbins. There it is.

So we're playing golf with Gubbins yesterday. And he's going on and on about he's dating this girl who's very pretty. And I don't know if he feels like he's a little out of his league. I would say dating is a little premature to call it that. They've gone on a date. They've gone on some dates. Yeah. And they're at that point where maybe he doesn't know if they're dating.

And he's not thin anymore. We should say that. No. Well, he's an athlete. He's not thin anymore. We should say that. No. Well, he's an athlete. He's an athlete. I always view him as fit, but he does badmouth his belly. Huh? F-I-T?

Well, like he can fit in a car. F-A-T. Is that? Right. No, a fit of rage. But he does have a, he badmouths his belly a lot, which is funny. Yeah. So anyway, so he's he's going on about how he's being ghosted by this girl now. And I mean, for three holes, it's going on and on about it.

Like, well, you just can't. I mean, what do you do? You just don't. And so I'm like feeling sorry for him. So I'm like, how wait? Well, how long? He's like, well, I've like texted her three times and it's been two days since she replied. Like, I almost want to just like ask her and I'm like, we'll do that. Why don't I just say, Hey, you know, are you getting these? Do you want to, you know, do that dinner I asked you about? So, so then on the eighth fairway, he's like, about. So. So then on the eighth fairway, he's like, uh, she texted me back yesterday at six o'clock. So finally he agrees. He's like, you know what? I will. Communication is better than guessing. And he takes out his phone and he goes to text her and she had responded the night before

and he didn't see it. And he got so happy that he smoked a joint and birdied the next hole. And didn't reply to her. And didn't reply to her. Yeah. So he was ghosting her in her world. Exactly. That's what she had to think. Yeah.

Yeah. Can you imagine being ghosted by gubbins when you're a girl? I think you'd write it off. I think you'd write it off. I think you'd write it off to his lifestyle and exactly what we're talking about. Yeah. I think it would be an easy blow. That'd be like he forgot. He lost his phone.

That was my sister's nickname in high school. Ghost? Easy blow. Oh. Let's do some entertainment. Wow. You wanted. Here you go.

Let me tell you something. I have. I have made. I am so proud of the fact that I know nothing about the Kardashians. With a gun to my head, I couldn't tell. Other than Kim, I think I can tell you. Not even. Sometimes when Kim is standing with the other ones, I don't even know which one is her. And I'm proud of that. OK. Until.

Two nights ago, when my my wife and daughter put on the new Netflix series, The Kardashians, and I sat down and find I found myself paralyzed from the waist down and could not stand up and walk away from the show. I tried. I was mesmerized. I was compelled to watch these vapid, self-obsessed egomaniacs getting makeup done. Half the show is literally them getting their makeup and hair done. They're constantly in a makeup done. Half the show is literally them getting their makeup and hair done. They're constantly in a makeup chair. Now, were you under the impression that at any point a sex tape could break out? Is that is that what keeps you watching?

That's in episode one. That's in episode one that they found more footage or they thought they found more footage. But now to explain to the young viewers who have no knowledge of her sex tape, Explain to the young viewers who have no knowledge of her sex tape. Did they show stills of or even headlines about the sex tape? Or was it just conversation? It was just conversation about the fact that she was about to host Saturday Night Live. And at the same time, this Ray J guy who was her ex-boyfriend had said something on social media about there being more footage. Oh, I've seen Ray J's work with Kim.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, I'm a fan of her work on the internet. I really, her sex tape was fantastic. I enjoyed it. I think she's absolutely beautiful. And there's something just, she is like a really interesting character because she's all business.

She gets shit done. But I also get the sense that she's an amazing mom. She's really good to her siblings and her mother. Like she's a, she's an amazing person. And the, and the other ones, they're all like,

they're all workaholics, but they, all they care about is telling each other how great they are. Really? Well, they fight a lot. I know that. They don't. It's all. Well, my girls have shown Well, they fight a lot. I know that. Not on this, they don't. It's all love.

My girls have shown fights. One fight got physical. No shit. At least one. I bet some of our viewers are like, dudes, they run at each other all the time. But my girls called me in because they also think they're very funny. And part of their funny thing is when they're mean to each other, which I guess used to happen a lot on the show. So, yeah. Well, it's a loony bin. I've worked with Caitlin. I mean, when I did late night shows, you know, I've met Kim and I've met the Kardashians. And so, but just professionally and kind of in passing backstage. But Caitlyn, you know, we worked with. I think we were having lunch and we talked about the Kardashians. But, you know, one of my favorite jokes of the Baldwin roast I worked on was, I think we tried to give this joke to Caitlyn.

But it was like, man, does our family really not like white dicks? Did she do it? It was done in the roast for sure. I'm trying to remember who said it. That's great. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah. What are you watching?

I am watching the Sex Pistols documentary. Not I wish it were a documentary. It's not good. I wish it were a documentary. It's not good. You know, you might like it because it has kind of a made up sex sexual parts made up that she was actually loyal to Mick. I forget his name, a writer and also like a wannabe musician at the time. And I think he wrote for NME magazine. But anyway. Well, I remember in her memoir, she talks about she worked in the shop. Yes. That shop. Yeah. McLaren had a had a vintage clothing store that she worked in

or they sold like you know punk punk clothing and she was just a fuck she wasn't even a musician then she was not in a band right and she got to know all these guys and yeah she was she was close with steve jones and a bunch of young musicians uh suzy and the banshees whatever suzy's name is she was good friends with suzy sue yep absolutely and uh and and anyway i i want to go back and see the documentaries that have been made because you know it really was the cool thing is and i'm a little disappointed in danny boyle because he's such an amazing director i love his stuff train spottingting was practically, you know, punk rock, you know, just cinematically. And I don't know. It's it's it's almost like they're trying to fill one too many episodes here. Like, yeah, and it's and it's not punk at all. And I thought Danny Boyle might sit down and be like, what's kind of a punk approach to this? Right. But it's very cool as you're following along on Wikipedia, you see they're showing the marquee, you see how many bands it gave birth to.

Like, one thing they did was they warmed up for the 101ers. The 101ers were a rock group that Joe Strummer fronted. But to Joe Strummer's credit, he watched the warm-up band, the Sex Pistols, and was like, sorry, sorry, 101ers, bye, I'm forming the clash. Really? Yeah. Punk rock is the future here. And it's also very interesting, you know, you have to remember, like, you know, when you go back and listen to Nevermind the Bullocks, it's rock and roll. It's totally rock. Of course.

But the punk thing is just the approach and the attitude and the fuck all this. And especially fuck your long guitar solos and this, you know, the, this, this rock that has this progress, you know, whatever that has like eight minute, 11 minute songs. All right. So we have listeners who know far more about this than I, so I'll stop talking. But the best part of the show is reading along Wikipedia and they'll show the show at the marquee. They'll show the show at Nashville. The band, the club was named Nashville and then them getting banned from it. And then the inspiration for the song body and the inspiration, and they show the

creation of anarchy in the UK, that song, you know, and how he knows two chords at that point, practically. Um, so I don't know, I wouldn't recommend it. You know, I, I kind of view documentaries. I know this is not a documentary, but I view documentaries as better topic than documentary. And some things are a better documentary or equally as good documentary as the topic. This is a way better topic than movie or TV show. I saw the first season of Severance. Have you seen that? I'm almost through the first season. I kind of liked it. Yeah, I do. I'll wait till you're done because it's worth talking.

You have to talk about it in its entirety for because it's it's a story. Right. Right. All right. Let's talk about. Oh, you want to do this Netflix thing? Oh, well, it's just, you know, listen, this this woke pendulum thing is in full decline. I mean, it's in descent. It overswung. And now anyway, I just saw a headline this week, which was Hulu. And it was woke canceled by Hulu.

But it's a show called Woke. And that was perfect. And it was the same day as Roe v. Wade. So the right is really catching up on this canceling shit. That was my takeaway that day. And then Netflix is defending Chappelle and Gervais as it launches a show called Snowflake Mountain, which is a reality series that mocks liberals. And the article said Sarandos, Ted Sarandos, the head of Netflix, his full-throated defense of Chappelle and Gervais is not the only interesting development for

Netflix over the past 24 hours. Shortly before Sarandos' Cannes Lion appearance at the festival, the streamer launched Snowflake Mountain, a reality series where eight young contestants Oh, this sounds like Republican porn. They are going to masturbate to this. Yes, I think so. Vegans being forced to eat moose dick. Yeah. It's called no survivors. I mean, put it this way.

The military guys, I watched the trailer for this because I'm in, and it's all gay, black. One guy's British and the military guys are going to have sex with everybody by the end. You won't see it on air, but it's going to happen. They're going to melt a few snowflakes? Yeah.

I love it. The 89th Theater in Kingfisher, Oklahoma has come under fire after posting a warning about a brief gay kiss featured in Pixar's Lightyear. A sign was posted on the window of the theater during the movie's opening weekend warning moviegoers about the gay kiss and claiming the theater would do, quote, all we can to fast forward through the scene. Kingfisher is located about 50 miles from Oklahoma City. All right.

First of all, I want to talk to this theater because I will not see any more Marvel movies. And I am wondering if I paid extra, would they fast forward through all the gay fights and battles in these superhero movies? Like, truly, there is a 10 minute choreographed fight with men in tights. Some of them, one of them carries a giant hammer or a guy who gets so turned on when he starts grappling with men that his body becomes so engorged that his clothes explode off him. And he looks like he's on fire Island with the pants, with the Capri pants. Now that don't even just go a little bit beneath the knee and they're all

frayed. Yeah. Is there any way this theater would be on the same page that it's gayer than this kiss? And can they fast forward through those scenes? Yeah. What about when Robin gives Batman shoulder rubs? Is that not suspect in Oklahoma?

Slow those down, actually. What about in Star Wars? When they get so excited that their lightsabers pop up and then they drive it into your torso and you arch your back and moan? It's kind of like a dog's penis. The lightsaber comes out when it gets and then you drive it into your torso and you arch your back and moan? Am I the only one?

It's kind of like a dog's penis. The lightsaber comes out when it gets excited. Yeah, right. By the way, I just worry about people following the story of Buzz Lightyear. If you fast forward through the kiss, how are you going to make sense of Buzz

leaving 50 bucks on the guy's dresser, stuffing toilet paper down the front of his pants and crying into his helmet? It's going to just seem random. It'll seem very, yeah. It'll even more out of character than the kiss. Yeah. You got to leave that in there. By the way, I looked up this town on Wikipedia.

It's a population of 4,000. And you know who's from there? Sam Walton. No. Walmart. Yep. Wow. Yeah. He's not going to get involved in this. He's above the fray. Is he dead? Right. No, he is. Sorry. You know who I was thinking of when you said that, actually? it's below the fray. I was thinking of Mr. Omaha, Nebraska. Berkshire Hathaway? What's his name? Warren Buffett.

Warren Buffett. That's who I was thinking about. Well, I told you that picture. Rabih's wife, Stephanie, is from Omaha. He goes back there periodically, summer trip. And it was Christmas, I think. And he takes a picture and it's just the most i don't even know why he sent me the picture it's just the the weaving through uh the rope uh the rope lanes to get to buy your popcorn and the line and and i'm

like why did you send me this a lot and he goes look at the guy. And like five people in front of him was Warren Buffett alone in the popcorn line going, you know, to buy his Coke or probably Coke. He's a big investor and popcorn at an AMC theater. That's amazing. The guy walks the fucking wall. Yeah. God, I would like to have a private theater in my house. If you could have your choice of private theater in your house

or a private gym in your house, which would it be? What do you mean? A room that mocks me versus one where I'll enjoy it all the time? Yeah, theater. All right.

We got a note from a guy named Tom Russell. He said, you Irish motherfuckers. Three weeks ago, Mike wants to talk shit on the end of Ozark. Greg hasn't finished, says he'll finish. We'll discuss next week. Two weeks ago, Mike starts to talk about Ozark. Greg has finished but says he doesn't want to spoil it for the listeners.

Even though you warned us the week before says quote let's wait a week to let them finish one week ago somehow both of you old fucks feel like you've already talked about ozark mike actually says i had another thought about ozark but we already discussed it last week no you didn't you bastards wowser so uh i guess we need to talk about it. All right. I'm trying to remember it. Which one's Ozark? Is that the one in Jersey with the mafia? No, it's in Westworld. It's a place called Westworld.

Oh, with the dragons? Yes. Great. Oh, okay. So I felt like here's the thing about these great drama series that we've seen over the last 15 years yeah is that they build complex characters and interesting layered relationships and then they take the stakes and they're and as the stakes get bigger, the relationships and characters can handle the turbulence of crazily big events happening.

And I think Ozark is, you know, and Sopranos started it and, and Breaking Bad did it and Better Call Saul did it. And you saw with this series that they had to keep going bigger because there was nowhere else to go. And as they did, it worked and it worked and it worked until it didn't work, which I don't feel at the very end.

I feel like at the very end, it started to fall apart a little bit. Okay. Your thoughts? Well, this is flawed. I'm going to be upfront flawed. I was too personally invested. But they killed one of my favorite TV characters, you know, of all time, top 10. Who's that?

You know, what's her name? I'm spacing out. I'm tired. But, you know, of course, my top 10 characters of all time. I remember her name. You know, the heart of the show, the blonde haired, you know. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, but that was her name in here. Jesus Christ. Anyway. So they killed her and I hated them for that. And so, but as a writer, this is, this is what I would say as a writer, trying to figure their writer's rooms and the decisions they made, they decided to go all literally and figuratively, they were going to fade to black. They're going to go dark. That's what the last frame was, which was weird because Sopranos kind of own that move. Also,

I think it was a little cheap because it stirred up conspiracy theories that maybe the son shot the mom, which there's no evidence. And I don't think that's a very good argument that could be made for that. And so what it was is it was a callback to another scene where the son had a gun, but what they decided to do was show that everything this family touched from season one, early season one, when they made the move, everything they touched either died or got worse. Right. And they, by shooting that then police officer, he was back on the force, I think, maybe he had quit, but whatever. And he was also very much had a soul.

They knew he was good at what he did. They knew he was a good law enforcer that was established. And when they were caught and cornered, they killed him. But so this show made that decision. And I know with that comes killing, you know, basically she was flawed as well. But the heart of the show or or being responsible for her being killed. Yeah, it was this rich, white, entitled family comes to this small podunk town and basically everybody. Yeah.

Everybody dies because of them. Right. So, yeah. But, you know, that being said, I was on board right to the I was on board to the end. I just felt like a little more restraint. I didn't think every single every single scene that each character had their final scene was them screaming, crying or getting killed. Yeah. And it's Ruth. I just looked it up. I have a block against it. And also, I mean, Julia Garner.

Holy shit. Yeah. she's just so amazing and all i want this is and also this is how good laura linney is i hate laura linney now i hate her guts it's beyond wendy bird i yeah i don't like laura linney that's how good fucking Laura Linney is. Yeah. Who would you say are the three people that are most disliked in real life? Based on characters that they played in movies or TV. This one for the listeners. Yeah, that's a very good question. I think. Well, you know, Matt Molloy almost took that role

in Todd Solins as the pedophile in happiness you know Matt was up for that and that guy was amazing in that yeah but

that's a great question historically film or, film or TV. Film or TV. Yeah. Who do you, who do you literally think has maybe been assaulted at least verbally on the street based on something they portrayed? Um, yeah. All right. Let's do that next week. Uh right let's get to here's another thing we got a lot of viewer feedback from listener feedback if you're not viewing check us out on youtube by the way if you go to youtube and you search great good lord you will be able to watch us in all our

glory and uh see my graphics yeah so uh we asked people um best first songs off first albums do you can you pull up gubbins's playlist me yeah uh where would i find it in our text chain i think so i tried to find it i couldn't find it and then he yelled at us because we're not using his. This was his idea. But here's what people said. Well, here I can go to all the links in our chain. Go ahead. Oh, I actually had this scheduled for later, but we'll do it now. We had, of course, the great Rob Duke.

Dukes. I always say Duke. Chimed in. Here's his list. Black Sabbath. Oh, I owe him. I owe him an email. He wants me to do his podcast. God damn it. Sorry. First Tracks. I have the list right here. Okay, let's hear it.

What? Well, alright, so it just opened Spotify. Is that what you want me to do here? No, why don't you Runnin' with the Devil. I ain't the one. You gotta say the bands. Okay. Van Halen. Runnin Running with the Devil. I Ain't the One. You got to say the bands. Okay.

Van Halen, Running with the Devil. Okay. I put that as... I think that's my number one. Wow. Okay. Leonard Skinner, I Ain't the One. Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Now, that might be number one. It's not. It's not their first album. It's not? No. Oh, fucking gubbins. Van Morrison. This is so gubbins.

Van Morrison, Brown Eyed Girl. Is that really his first track? I think it is, because I got that from a few other people. Led Zeppelin, Good Times, Bad Times. Now that is a strong start. Now, again, the criteria for this is it has to be a song where the band is saying we're fucking here. Something just shifted. Yeah.

Well, you know, that's my Sex Pistols holidays and some. But, you know, that's also deceiving because the Sex Pistols first original song is Anarchy in the UK. I have no idea why they didn't put that first track on the album. And maybe they're, and again, I don't know what I'm talking about. So someone's probably furious saying it was the British version of the album. Cause I know the Clash America changed the order of songs on some of their albums. Janie Jones was the first song on their first album. Right. So, right, and I'm wondering if in the British version, anyway, there's a lot of that shit going on. So, Blues Traveler, but anyway, I mean, okay.

Taj Mahal, Leaving Trunk, The Beach Boys, Surfing Safari. There you go. Toots and the Maytals, Pressure Drop, which The Clash covered. My Morning Jacket, Heartbreaking Man. Prince, I Want to Be Your Lover. Steve Miller Band, Fly Like an Eagle. Oh, come on.

That's a big one. Run DMC, Hard Times. I'm more interested in that. Peter Tosh, Legalize It. Junior Marvin, Police and Thieves, which The Clash also covered. You know, that's a very interesting thing is the alliance at the time between punk and reggae. Yes. But they were very similar because, again, it was bigger than the music. It was kind of a movement.

Yeah, there was a big Jamaican population in London. Oh, yeah. I forget the neighborhood. Albemarle's or something? Kingslane? No, not Kingslane. It was an area where the poor kids hung out, and they got influenced by it.

And then here's – let me give you Rob Dukeke's list because dennis is kind of sucks the clash wrote their second album very few people know this clash fans do but they these two fucking pasty white people with the most fucked up teeth uh went to jamaica yeah and that's where they wrote their second album all right god um the black keys busted uh Beastie Boys rhyming and stealing. The Doors break on through. There's a fucking announcement. Break on through. Are you shitting me?

Eminem slim shady. Wow. No, really? Yes. I didn't know that. Metallica hit the lights. Nine Inch Nails head like a hole Notorious B.I.G.

things get done are things done changed I don't know that one The Police next to you that was big Ramones Blitzkrieg bop. That moves into the top 10 right there. Yeah.

Anyway, we got a bunch. Andrew Tress said Blinded by the Light by Bruce Springsteen. That's amazing. Wow. Vince said Rio by Duran Duran. Scott Shattuck, Guns N' Roses, Welcome to the Jungle. That's top 10. That is, that's a pretty sick entry.

That's an announcement. Boston, More Than a Feeling. I mean, if only they had another album. I mean, they had one, but I mean, God, that album. That was a perfect album. Bonkers. Yeah. Blister in the Sun, Violent F violent fems i didn't realize that uh elvis presley elvis presley blue suede shoes this is from brian g

not right i mean not his song already already a song you know yeah um how about acdc it's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. Oh, wow. All right. And I know you're saying they're a rock and roll bar band, and it really didn't announce a new sound, but I don't know. It was almost like a punk rock approach to that, you know, very standard blues rock and roll bar band thing.

Jimi Hendrix's first song, Foxy Lady. Really? That was in the UK version. The US version was Purple Haze. Both are announcements that the greatest fucking guitar player of all time just arrived. I am a rock, Simon and Garfunkel. Welcome to the Working Week by Elvis Costello.

Whoa. Yeah. I. Yeah. I like that. I Will Follow by U2. That's just from Michael Morrow. I mean, straight out of Compton, NWA. I Put a Spell on You, Credence Clearwater Revival. Oh, wow.

How about REM, Radio Free europe that's really total announcement song yeah wow sunday morning on the velvet underground i mean that whole album was an announcement yeah yep all right well thanks for sending those uh and let's get to some obituaries oh wait no we jumped ahead we jumped ahead sorry we gotta go back and let's get to some obituaries. Oh, wait, no, we jumped ahead. We jumped ahead. Sorry. We got to go back.

We were at International. Oh, no, you didn't do Make America Florida again. I can do that for you. Make America Florida. That's what I do. We already talked about Florida. You're welcome, Florida. I handed you an amazing tourism plan, an abortion pavilion right near, it's a small world after all. It's even smaller. It's a small world after all gets smaller once you had the abortion next door.

Make America Florida. Quote, I felt something sharp. Woman takes off pants to uncover unwanted visitor in Florida. That was the headline. A Florida woman with the, whatever, went viral. Well, we should say the handle if you want to look it up. At USS underscore Andrea went viral after showing her followers a common, albeit disturbing, occurrence in her home state. In the quick clip, she says in a voiceover, I just took off my pants. I just took my pants off because I felt something sharp. You see her clutching the red material that clearly has something bulging inside

it. I put my hands around the sharp thing and now we're going to find out what it is. The woman says nervously, then terrified. I know what it is. Oh God. Oh God. I know what it is. She steps outside the house to open up the pants and the object now free leaps away. It's a live lizard, she says calmly. Why calmly, by the way? How did that change to calmly? Yeah, right. Yeah. Another day. Another day in Tallahassee. So, you know, I love comments and I should have looked up more, but the comments that the article said were new fear unlocked. Florida wildlife has all the audacity. After reading these comments, this is what one comment said. After reading these comments, I'm really glad I live in California, LOL. Out of everything, I did not expect that.

I think those might be the tamer comments, in my opinion. She just had a lizard come out of her pussy is probably what a lot of them are about. Maybe she thought her ass tattoo had come to life and jumped out. Next, a Confederate flag is going to pop out. Yeah. Meanwhile, I think that might be the most predictable thing that comes out of a Florida woman's pussy when she takes off her bikini bottom. Right, right. Yeah.

Yeah, when you go down on a girl from Florida, you don't go face in right away. You kind of stay about a foot back, poke around a little bit, see if anything's going to come out, and then you go in and do your thing. Yeah. So, anyway, it's a Florida woman this week

or Make in America Florida. Let's go to sports. You got it, pal. Okay, we got a text from our good friend Dudley over in Atlanta, Georgia. And he added to it, by the way. But okay, go ahead.

Hey, Gibbs, FYI, my grandfather was the first pro at Augusta, chosen by Bobby Jones. Masters rant. Wow. Yeah. Just to update you, Gibbs made a very funny point about the Masters. He read the history of it. What was it exactly? I'm not going to remember the exact stats but mandatory all

caddies had to be black till like fucking 1982 or something yeah yeah and even if you're a pro and you had your caddy you wanted to bring no uh the players had to be white and i forget the date that the first black guy was allowed to play and the caddies had to be black. And then the comment I read. So he goes, Hey Gibbs. Yeah. My grandfather was the first pro in Augusta chosen by budgets. And then he's like, wow, on the master's rant. And then he goes, I never heard the Clifford story. I guess Clifford was the guy I quoted who was the head of the club. That guy was my mom's godfather. Fucked

up. Wow. Yeah. Because he was like, as long as I live and as long as this club is here, the players are going to be white and the caddies are going to be white. I think that was his quote. Oh, he just left another message. He said,

Clifford Roberts is a racist who helped create Augusta Country Club and create the Masters Tournament. Wow. Yep. And was my mom's godfather. Damn. There it goes. Well, that's from our friend whose name is Dudley.

So, it tracks. And is blonde blonde haired and blue eyed and from a rich town in Massachusetts. And I met him in boarding school in Massachusetts. And I met him at a private college in Boston. And he's from, exactly, independently of me. And he is the, he's from the most racist city in the North, Boston.

Yep. So it all tracks. And he lives in the north, Boston. Yep. So it all tracks. And he lives in Georgia now. Yes. Yes, he does. This all tracks. And if he's listening, he is one of my favorite people in the entire world. He is great.

Yeah. Duds. All right. Another sports story. Arch Manning, the number one ranked player in the class of 2023, made huge waves Thursday by ending his recruitment and announcing his commitment to Texas over Alabama and Georgia. Manning, the nephew of legendary quarterbacks Peyton and Eli Manning and grandson to college football Hall of Famer Archie Manning,

has been the most sought-after recruiting prospects since the days of Trevor Lawrence. Committed to University of Texas, hook him, Archie Manning announced in a tweet. The 6'4", 215-pound signal caller from Isidore Newman High School in New Orleans. He's thrown for 6,300 yards, 81 touchdowns, and rushed for 19 more scores in three seasons.

Three? Yeah. He got a perfect 1.0 rating. Wow. I mean, this guy is going to fucking tear it up. Well, what's interesting is he's the son of the forgotten Manning, Cooper Manning. Who's Cooper Manning? You know there's three Manning brothers?

Oh, I didn't know that. Right. So he's the son of Cooper. So it was bad enough that Cooper has two brothers who have won Super Bowls and are going to the Hall of Fame. And his dad's a Hall of Famer. Couldn't one of their sons fucking, like, you know, been the number one recruit? No, his son.

Yeah. He's surrounded now. He's fully surrounded. Yeah. And he works for, like, an energy company. But he went to the same high school, I believe, as his son. And he still holds records there, by the way. He was an amazing receiver, Cooper.

And all of a sudden started to lose feeling in his legs and limbs. And that ended his football career. Jesus. No kidding. I don't know the exact thing. I read it like earlier this week. But, yeah, he came up with something that prevented him from continuing his football career. Huh.

Yeah. All right. Nothing funny there, but good story, everybody. Cooper, man. Let's skip it down. So now his son. So he's going to be, he's already watched enough football stars in his family. Now he's going to have to go to more games.

Oh my God. Yeah. This day in history. There it is. On June 26, 2003, the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down Texas' sodomy laws.

The decision in Lawrence v. Texas is landmark, reaffirming the existence of a right to privacy that is enumerated in Lawrence v. Texas is landmark, reaffirming the existence of a right to privacy that is enumerated in the Constitution and effectively legalizing same-sex sexual activity in the United States. Although enforced sporadically

by the 21st century, laws against homosexual sex were ubiquitous in America as late as 1960 when every state had one. Over a dozen states still considered gay sex a crime in September of 1998, when police responded to reports of someone brandishing a gun in a Texas apartment. Upon entering the department, they discovered Lawrence having sex with another man and arrested him under Texas homosexual conduct law, which barred, quote, devious sexual intercourse with another individual of the same sex.

Nineteen ninety eight. Five years later, the Supreme Court heard the case. Lawyers for the state of Texas tried to draw a distinction between the privacy of a marital bedroom and the circumstances of the case. But the court sided with lawrence so he was able to uh i mean imagine that like the cops show up guns drawn for they think someone's got a weapon and they see a guy fucking another guy my reaction is back away slowly, close the door, and go call somebody and tell them about it. But to arrest them for it? I'm shocked they didn't just start opening fire

and shooting them legally. Yeah, right. Because they thought their lives were threatened by the vision of a same-sex cock and ass. Yeah. Now, wait a minute. I kind of half-listened up top. I wonder if a blowjob is also...

Sodomy, I believe, can refer to oral sex as well as anal sex. I think sodomy is... I mean, it goes back to the Bible, but I think the definition is any sex that's not vaginal. But I could be wrong.

All right, but what if you're up a woman's keister? That's sodomy. Right. Although they keep mentioning all these laws against gay sex. But what if they came in and this guy was inside a woman's butthole? Well, that is a very good point. They just start masturbating, I guess. Maybe in both cases, I think. I think they are supposed to grab the penis and move it one inch forward

and plunge it into the correct hole. That's what it is? It's special training. They send you someplace for special training. So you're assuming doggy style. We just learned a lot about you. Oh, Denman just wrote sexual intercourse involving anal or oral copulation. Wow.

That's weird. I've never called someone known for oral sex a sodomite. I should start doing that. Yep. While they're doing it. Sodomite. I'm going to sodomize your face? Yeah. I'll try it. I'll try it. And I'll let you know how it goes. I'm going to let loose with that term this week. What percentage of women would you say have had anal sex?

A hundred. Not women you've dated. Women in general. Are you talking about my own data? How many are aware and remember it? I bet you 70% have had anal sex. I don't know, because, you know, you get very surprised by stats. I know we seem very sexualized world, but there are a lot of people who have never had sex.

That's true. Which is, you know, eye opening. And then of course, there's all the stories of how many people like who have never had an orgasm. And I am putting most of those people, especially the people who have not had sex in the column of people who have not had anal sex. So I don't know. I don't think it's as high as 70. I also think a lot of conservative people don't allow themselves to explore that or don't want to.

Also, there's nothing wrong with not being into it either. This one study says 30%. I won't talk to you, but... Another study says 43% and another study says 63%. So it sounds like some of these studies are better than others.

Yeah. Right. Intentionally, you could add that word to the study, how many have intentionally had it? Yeah. I think that's a lower number. Yeah. I don't know what studies. I think a lot of people aren't going to admit it.

Now, that's true. I mean, guys in prison. Did you wait? What was the question? Women? Yeah. Women. Oh, OK. All right. Let's do letters to the editor. All right, let's do letters to the editor. How about this? If the question were how many women have had something up there, that's going to be a much higher number. Have had things up there? Yeah, like in lesbian sex, in solo sex. I think you're going to get a much higher number.

Basically, ass play. Wow, this podcast has gotten very dirty in the last 15 minutes. We're not getting paid on YouTube this week. Why? They flag you if you're dirty, and then we don't get revenue from it. I just talked to Joe Rogan about it today. Are you serious? He told me that they used to flag his pod.

Well, I shouldn't tell his business. But, yeah, ours we get way less when we're dirty. All of a sudden anal sex is dirty? Yep. Seems like a moral judgment. Yep. All right. Letters to the editor.

Joanne Travato Brown, the Joanne, writes in, come to Philly and I'll show you how dead I am. Wow. So she sent a video of her outside being very cheerful and happy. Oh, she did? Yeah. Oh, I didn't see that. But I'm going to take your word for it. I sent it to you, but maybe you didn't realize it was her when I sent it.

Hi, Joanne. Thanks for hanging in there. Joanne, welcome back. People missed you. You hadn't written in a while. We both have a crush on you. Yes, and one of us has a crush on Philadelphia. The other one will not come to see you in Philadelphia.

I will not go to that city. Nothing against the city. It's just the people. This is from Michael Morrow. Hey, guys, love the podcast. It's often the highlight of my weekend, which is a statement either about you or me. My submission for another masturbation song is, quote, Shebop by Cyndi Lauper. According to Wikipedia, the song was considered controversial as it dealt with masturbation. It was included in the Parents Music Resource Center's

Filthy 15 list due to its sexual lyrics. Lauper told The Howard Stern Show she recorded the vocals while nude. That seems weird. I don't remember the lyrics to Shebop. Denman, can you write down, can you pop up the lyrics for Shebop? I want to read this Filthy 15, which is a great word.

Well, another one that's probably on it is Andy Beach writes in. Hopefully this recommend cuts through the massive emails you're going to get on masturbation songs. Rosie by Jackson Brown. For a song about jerking off that makes use of the old Rosie Palm trope. It's beautifully written song with great lyrics that every guy on earth can relate to. Rosie, you're all right. You wear my ring. When you hold me tight, Rosie, that's my thing.

And when we turn out the lights, I gotta hand it to me. Looks like it's you and me again tonight pretty overt wow i never thought of that before what i never thought of it before oh my god that's like the oldest one are you kidding me you wear my ring wow yeah uh shebop here's the lyrics well i see him every night in the tight blue jeans in the pages of a Blue Boy magazine. Hey, hey, I've been thinking of a new sensation. I'm picking up good vibrations. Ooh, Shebop, Shebop, do I want to go out with a lion's roar?

Yeah, I want to go south and get me some more. Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine. They say I better stop or I'll go blind. Oops, Shebop, she bop, she whatever. Okay. Yeah. And I'm sure there are a ton of hip hop songs now that have the references,

especially from women. Yeah. The aggressive women of hip hop with their wet ass pussies. I'm sure there is self, yeah, stimulation happening. All right. Here's some obituaries.

And that's all folks. Our one obituary. This is a gentleman who deserves a nod from us and the country in general. This is Alexander Jefferson. and the country in general. This is Alexander Jefferson. He was a U.S. Air Force veteran who served as a Tuskegee Airman in World War II, died at the age...

I love it when they make it to 100. You know, it's so sad when someone dies at 99. Also, he might have been a Tuskegee Airman. What did I say? Tuskegee? Oh, I say it wrong. Tuskegee? Tuskegee. Were they all black, the Tuskegee Airman. What did I say? Tuskegee? Oh, I say Tuskegee. Were they all black, the Tuskegee Airmen? That's a good question. I mean, I want to say yes, but I mean, I know that the famous testing that was done on them, I don't know if it was exclusively black, but clearly

that's the story, is that they were targeted and singled out and tested on. Well, Jefferson was black. He volunteered for the U.S. Army Reserve after graduating from Clark College. He was placed in flight training with the Air Force the following year, became one of the Tuskegee Airmen. He flew 18 escort missions before being shot down in 1944, captured by Nazi troops. And treated better than he was in Atlanta.

Yeah, they cleared up his gonorrhea. Held as a prisoner of war for nine months before his liberation. As the U.S. Army Air Forces became the U.S. Air Force, Jefferson remained in the service, rising to lieutenant colonel before his retirement in 1969. His decorations included Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star, Purple Heart. He also taught elementary school science in Detroit before becoming assistant principal of his school. He wrote the memoir, Red Tail Captured, Red Tail Free, Memoirs of a Tuskegee Airman and POW. God bless Wow. No doubt, man. What a life.

Let's cheer up. Talk about the funnies. We must. Leroy is sitting at the desk he's staring at some bills loretta's standing nearby and he goes if money was just a way to keep score we're pitching a shutout nice that's good uh and then the next one down he uh loretta's talking to her friend, and Leroy has some fish mounted on the wall. And she says, Leroy dedicated the largemouth bass to me. She's a loudmouth. Yeah, she's a loudmouth.

Or she's just into facial sodomy. Let's do a little Hager. There goes the sponsors. Hager. Helga says hagger i'm expecting twins his helmet pops off and he falls over backwards she opens the door and there's two women there that are twins she says get up and say hello i think he was overwhelmed with having to rape two women. I don't know. How did you read it?

I didn't read it yet. Well, I'm looking down at Charles Adams here. Let me see now. Here we go. Hager, I'm expecting twins. Get up and say hello. All right. Yeah, maybe he is overwhelmed by that.

Look at them. They're not that hot by Hager standards. Yeah, what else could this mean? Well, it's that he thinks she's pregnant. I don't know, but then he sees two older women coming into the door. Yeah, it was a play on words. I'm expecting somebody. I'm expecting twins.

Oh, I got it. Jesus Christ. But what's weird is he passed out when he sees them. No, I think in the first frame his helmet comes off and he's falling over backwards. And then by the time she opens the door, he's already passed out. Oh, all right. So it's not that all the blood rushed to his genitals. No, but he will rape them in the next frame.

They don't show you the next frame. He gets his senses together. All right, let's show you. This is just a classic one. It's like not that funny, but I love, I love, I love, anyway, it's just so great that charles adams is the best at all these so here's the drawing it's a guy in his apartment and he has the door bolted bolted locked locked locked even has that little um my grandmother had that that

big iron uh pole i guess you put in the floor and then into the door. Yeah. And then under the door slides a little Valentine's card with a heart on it. And I bet this was probably a cover of a New Yorker and this guy's got to let the love in Greg. Yeah. Yeah. Guarded and protected.

He is. And he's an older man. He's got on a bathrobe. He's very comfortable in the way he's living. He's not looking for anything new. And he's just it took him by surprise and he's just staring at this

invasion of emotion. Yeah. I think he's going to cry. He doesn't. His hand's up, but he's not like, he's still just staring at this heart that just got slid under his door. Yeah. I like it a lot. All right.

Now, speaking of a closed off heart. Dagwood walks in the door. And I mean, what a lucky son of a bitch who greets him. Blondie with a kiss right on the lips. He says, hello, beautiful. What's for dinner? And she goes, your favorite, bacon and eggs. And he goes, bacon and eggs is not my favorite dinner. And she goes, it is tonight.

And he goes, I learn a little bit more about myself every day. And this is postmodern Blondie. Something happened in the last three years where the writer, and I can never read his name, he's empowering blondies. She's starting to fucking stand up for herself a little bit. She's starting to play this adult for who he really is. And of course he's taking it. I mean, he takes it like a cock. I learn a little bit more about myself every day. That's right. that's right that's right dagwood she's about to fucking school you on who you are and she's about to sort of renegotiate this relationship you guys have and i love it wow yeah well it seems the vibe i got is she has a date oh and she just whipped up some bacon and eggs for this pathetic excuse for a husband.

Yeah. And that's what he's going to get. It's kind of like, I got to quickly feed the dog before I go out for the night. Yes. She's dressed to go out. She's got on some raspberry shoes with a matching sweater. How about that tit shot from the side on the second frame? Okay.

The first frame looks like he's grabbing it. Picture for a second her facing like they're spooning, like her facing away from him. Yeah, right. She's so shapely, you can kind of contort it any way you want. Oh, I could contort it any way I want. Believe me. Oh, boy.

Someday. And then movie theater in Kansas, is that where it was? Oklahoma? Oklahoma. Will not show these drawings. Nope. Engage in such lascivious behavior. Well, listen, folks, we want to thank you for listening.

There are a few more mugs at the store. If you want to get yourself a Sunday Papers mug, go to FitzDawg.com or SundayPapers.net. Order one online. Maroon. Also, don't forget Fitz Dog Radio comes out every Tuesday.

This week, my guest is... Who's my guest this week? I just had... It's one of the Supreme Court justices, I think you got. Paul Verzi was last week. Next week is Andrew Santino. No, not Andrew Santino.

I always confuse Anthony Jeselnik and Andrew Santino. No, not Andrew Santino. I always confuse Anthony Jeselnik and Andrew Santino. Jeselnik will be on next week, so check that out. Oh, nice. Say hello for me, or did you already tape it? I didn't tape it yet. I'll say hello. Yeah, I love that guy.

And then Childish comes out on Wednesdays with Alison Rosen, who you heard earlier in the podcast. Yes. And anything you want to promote, Mike? What do I want to promote? Go listen to the Sex Pistols. Their only album. What do you mean their only album?

They had one album. No, really? Yeah. Damn. And broke up. Was there any unreleased stuff that came out later? I think they did stuff like that. And there were little mini reunions of sorts.

Yeah. Sid Vicious, of course, was incredibly disruptive to the process. Yeah. And Malcolm McLaren, this is the last thing I'll say, Malcolm McLaren had an idea to book them in the South for the first time they came to America. Oh, right. In like honky tonks. And by design, his design was it would not go well at all.

And that that would be any publicity is good publicity. Well, it did not go well and it almost killed them. And it killed one factor in killing the band. Yeah. Wow. Their last concert ever, actually, they made it out. And I think it was the ballroom in San Francisco where the last waltz was also. That was their last live show. They didn't even make it out of that tour.

And they'd show up with swastikas and fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Ironically, which they explain in the series, like they made it pink because the thing that Hitler would have hated most was a pink, you know, a pink shirt with a swastika on it. Yeah. A pro gay thing. Yeah. So anyway. Yeah. But that album, man, is it. And I read something, if anyone knows this, send it in. But that part of the sound, which still is so fresh and raw, was the bassist who was went in. Sid Vicious was so terrible. Their original bassist was great, but that was for the live shows and stuff was so terrible that Jonesy had to record the bass and he was terrible also. And so it was much lower. And so the mix you're hearing is much more guitar drums with, and the bass is muted. Now I read that somewhere. I'd love it if someone knew more

than I, and could maybe explain why it does sound so fresh. Right. All right, well, listen, you guys are fresh. Thanks for tuning in. We appreciate you listening to the show. Tell your friends. Go on Apple Podcasts and give us a rating and a comment. That helps us a lot. Yeah. Just spread the word.

Make it a high rating. Make it a high rating. Make it a good one. How about that? Thanks to Midcoast Media, all the fine people over there. Key is great. Chris Denman's great. Beth Hoops.

And, of course, John, who does the tactical stuff that I don't always mention. And I guess we'll talk to you guys soon. I think everyone should take a dish. And then they should take a dish. Sunday Gables Sunday Gables So they gave us A dragon A dragon A dragon Thank you.