Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 124 7/24/22

Episode Date: July 24, 2022

This week we learn that Kylie Jenner is a bad person, some politicians are sent to jail, Greenland is melting and Larry David acts exactly like Larry David. We may have made some jokes about the WNBA as well.

Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, everything you missed with Mike Gibbs and Greg Fentz. Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, family circus sucks. I'm gonna clap in in 7, 8, 9. And then I'm clapping in 3, 2, 1. Read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it! Monkeypox, monkeypox, monkeypox, monkeypox. Say it ten times fast and you won't get it.

That's the vaccination. Huh? What? Monkeypox. You remember I used to have that dumb joke I would do when you would let me do stand up uh serious illness serious disease is never funny oh yeah said monkey pox well turns out i was wrong it's very serious and not funny at all but boy it makes me it used to it used to make me laugh just that name dude monkey pox, do you die from it?

Yes. No. I don't know. I just said yes because isn't that what everyone's afraid of? Chris Denman, do some research on monkey pox. Get in the show. Get involved, Chris Denman. God damn it.

You know what's weird, though, is like I was thinking about, I woke up this morning, and you know how you wake up and you just have random thoughts? And for some reason that Dire Straits song, Money for Nothing and Your Chicks for Free, it was in my head. And then I was thinking about also they had the Dire Straits and like that everybody said Mark Knopfler was homophobic. But then I thought, what about that song, Less Boys,

about the transvestites or the, what do you call them? Transvestites? Yeah, transvestites. Yeah. What do you call them? Transvestites? Yeah, transvestites. Men that dress up as women. I believe you can still call it that. Yeah. Who knows? Who knows?

Back when he wrote the song. And I thought it was actually a very beautiful, supportive, loving depiction of the cross-dressing community. Ah. And so I looked up whether there was backlash and whether or not radios still play that song. Radios still do play that song because their defense is it's a character's voice in the song, Money for Nothing. Oh, that one.

No, I know that, but that's like Mark Twain. That's like, you know. Huck Finn. Huck Finn. Right. Don't say it. No you know, say it. No, don't say it. No, I was going to say, you know, uh, Archie Bunker and, you know, sure. Right. So, you know, I just had a dumb thought and this doesn't add anything to the national or international conversation about it, but so that money for nothing. Right. And any the the the mover, right, uses the F slur for

homosexuals. And he's calling Knopfler that in the song like he's moving. He's like, look at this, you know, F word who who like plays guitar for millions of dollars. Anyway, of course, those aren't the lyrics. But can a gay person kind of like the N word with with African-Americans, with blacks, can gay people say the F word, the F slur, the F slur? Oh, absolutely. I'm not so sure. They can definitely call each other queens. I've seen it. Well, we can call them queens.

Hey, queen. Yeah. Look at you, you big queen. I think that's fair game still. Probably not next week. Probably not by the time this airs. I'm canceled. Our queen producer just wrote down monkeypox.

Symptoms can include flu-like symptoms such as fever, headache, muscle aches, and swollen lymph nodes, followed by a rash and lesions on the skin. Most cases of monkeypox do not require hospitalization, but it is highly contagious in individuals with symptoms. Okay, so not answering the question that we asked. Literally, the only thing we asked is can you die from it. It seems like it's not a deadly. It seems you die from it? It seems like it's not a deadly. It seems like you got your monkeys, you got your chickens. Both of them have pox, a pox upon your body.

It says most cases do not require hospitalization. Most cases. But do some cases lead to death? Is the question Chris Denman. I'm sure chickenpox can probably kill you too if you let the fever go too high. I got the fever. Yeah. Soak in the common cold, he says.

Somehow did not catch COVID from my nephew this past week. Stayed with us with COVID. So can the common cold. So can marching in a gay pride parade. What? I don't know what he was writing. Okay. Anyway.

So can defending the Capitol on January 6th can kill you. Yeah. Don't get in the way. Don't get in the way of progress. Progress. All right. Are we done? That was a, it seemed short.

So let's talk about your face. Oh, we're doing this on Thursday because, is today Thursday? Today's Thursday. We're doing it on Thursday because I'm having a procedure tomorrow. It's minor. I think it's like a half hour, but there, if we, I don't know why we record these visually. Uh, I would be fine. We would do it on Saturday and we'd record it like a podcast audio, but anyway, they're going to go in through a hole in my face and it's a needle that's flattened. So the the double edge at the end is like is a razor, razor sharp, and they scrape under my skin.

So the reason this is happening is I've been blessed after a life. It reminds me of your joke of when you're acne. What was your joke about when you're acne, you transition? Well, I'm 30. My hair is falling out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne. So physically, it's all really coming together for me right now. That's exactly what it is. After a life of acne, I then get rosacea in my 50s. So the type I get is the worst. Well, it's not, I guess the ones that

disfigure your nose and I guess you can get in your eyes. Thank God, at least I don't have that yet. But anyway, I get these is disgusting talk, but they wind up being cysts under the skin on my face and they can scar and they have, and this is all within the last two years. So what the scar is caused, and then I'll finish up now, because there's scar tissue tethering, and that's what the indentations are for a lot of acne scars. So the new best procedure is they go under and they untether it. It's as simple as that. They don't even use filler.

They don't even use filler. They're just going to go in and untether it. But he goes, your face is going to be pretty beat up. I'm like, that's why I'm coming. It already is. He's like, it's going to be bruised and pretty swollen for a few days. Whoa. Yeah. So that's what's going on. Well, good luck with that. And I'm not even, I'm not even being like proactive in like, yo, people are going to, who would accuse me, but, uh, oh, Gibbons got work done. It won't even look, I'm just trying to catch up to a relatively normal face.

It won't even look like I had work done. Well, we're going to play golf that morning. So hopefully getting sun from the valley on your face all morning doesn't work against the surgery. It's going to totally inflame my face. They're going to be like, dude, what? Actually, we can't see any divots in your face. It's so to totally inflame my face. They're going to be like, dude, what? Actually, we can't see any divots in your face. It's so bloated. It's shiny like a balloon.

And you're drunk, so I guess we don't need anesthetic. You're really flushing a lot. You're already bruised. Usually this high? No, just when I golf. high no just when i golf um so i uh while aaron was away this week at her aunt's house in the bronx packing up fucking pictures i painted the house painted the house define you painted the house i hired two guys and they painted the house. That's a tight definition. And I might have done some colors she hadn't signed off on and we might have had to repaint some of it. Well, it's a little weird that there's a giant G on the side facing the street.

Why is there a Sunday Papers logo on the roof? Why is our house called the G spot? I don't understand that. the G spot. I don't understand that. So, yeah, so we repainted it, but it looks good. And then we finished it and the fence

needed repairs, so we replaced a bunch of the boards, repainted the fence. And then the day after he left, some drunken woman in Venice came tearing down my street on a bike hit the curb and fucking crashed into the fence and broke two of the broke two of the boards no that's how do you know it was a woman or did you get did you wake up and she was still saw her owen saw her i go why didn't you chase her down? He's like, I don't know. It just happened so fast.

I'm like, protect your home. What's the matter with you? Wow. That's wild. All right. Yeah. So now he's fixing that today. Was she a big gal?

I mean, she went through the fence? She didn't go through it, but the bike broke two of the planks. And the problem is that the fence has a lot of termite damage. If you live in L.A., you have termites. And so, like, I don't think she hit the boards that hard and they just, like, crumbled. Meanwhile, the termites are like, you're burying the lead. There's also drunk women on bikes who do a lot more damage defenses than we do. She's not going to bike past your house in a while, I think.

But Owen should have, I mean, his look out. Can you tell what color the bike is by the damage? No. No stick mark? All right. No, there's rubber marks from the tires. I guess you hit it with the tires. I bet you have somebody's, you know, ring camera, ring doorbell.

Oh, well, what am I going to do? I'm going to track her down and charge her $8? You know, you've lost a step since Brule's gone. You rub her nose in that shit. You take her by the back of the hair and you smash it against the fence. And you're like, you did this. You take her by the back of the hair and you smash it against the fence and you're like, you did this, you did this. Don't do it again.

I think that raising kids is a lot like raising dogs, though. It is the same, like, consistency, rewards, not punishments. PP pads. PP pads. They wear them, though. They wear them.

Although our dog wears them. We put, we put, we put diapers on Hannah. Now we put, I just think about like, if you live in the country, if you live in Kentucky and you got a hound dog,

that motherfucker does not come in the house. Maybe on his birthday, he's allowed in the house and the rest of the time he's finding his own food. He's shitting in the woods. And if he dies, that's allowed in the house. And the rest of the time, he's finding his own food. He's shitting in the woods. And if he dies, that's when he's gone. There's no vet. There's no pills. There's no ointments.

There's no wee-wee pads. No, no. In states far from as soft as California and New York, dogs inside is a relatively new phenomenon. Relatively. Yeah. Right. And you can feed them and the water's out there and all that. I mean, they don't have to hunt for their own food. It doesn't have to be that extreme, but they sleep outside. Yeah.

Not inside and not in your bed. Right. I think, yeah, softer sums it up. I think we're much lonelier. We need an animal in our bed. Like, some people need that. Yeah. Yeah. Does Denman have a dog?

I don't know. He's got a pit bull. At least he just wrote down he's got a pit bull. I'm imagining it's a German shepherd that only speaks German. Pit bull sleeps where the pit bull wants to sleep. Oh, his American bulldog died a month ago. Thanks for caring. Did you tell us that?

Don't say, don't, never ask that. Because the answer yes is not good for us. Yeah. I think he did. I don't think don't never ask that because the the answer, yes, is not good for us. Yeah, I think he did. And I think I don't think he told us that. Oh, I think actually I think he did tell us that. Yeah. Tagged you in a tribute on Instagram. Well, I don't really follow Instagram.

Made you a T-shirt. All right. Stop. Stop. Thank you. Speaking of dogs dying thank you for um this week's logo from kyle uh this is a uh uh tribute to brulee we need new logos by the way we are we are out so if you want to make a logo for the show you know let's think of some fun ideas for logos.

All right. Yeah. Like because a lot of people I have, I have a lot here. So I was thinking we're going to talk about Beavis and Butthead. And we did a little last week. I was surprised. I went back and checked to see if we were Beavis and Butthead. And we've been a lot.

We've been animated characters. I mean, we've been a Bert and Ernie, but we have not been. We have been Beavis and Butthead. Yeah. Just found it October 4th, 2020. Wow. So don't do Beavis and Butthead. But what about us?

20th birthday. What about us sweating to death in Europe or at the January 6th hearings? What about us sweating to death in Europe or at the January 6th hearings? By the way, January 6th hearings start has, has got it all figured out and there's no, there's no like revelations that are going to change the, uh, change the outcome of anything. I mean, it's certainly Trump is not going to be indicted. No, I think the race is to, can he run? Can he run for office again after this? Yeah. You know, but I think people have given up on that anyway.

It is having a slow effect. And I'm just stating facts. This isn't coming from the left. But like they're tracking movement away from him within the Republican Party. And I guess they're seeing more movement of the in the last three weeks than they have, surprisingly. He's still got two hundred and fifty million dollars in his war chest. So he's still going to control the election. Well, they say that's why he doesn't say he's not going to run, because then he can technically still collect donations.

And as we know, he doesn't use them all legally. Right. Also, the song this week from Tanner and John. Again, we've run out of songs, and I keep saying we're going to pick a permanent song. Let's do that this week. Let's make that a project. Next week, we will have a permanent Sunday Papers theme song. Really? And I have a feeling I know which one it's going to be.

So if you have one you're working on, I would send it in in the next couple days to be in the running. We don't want to pick five. What are we going to do? Pick five and then play them all? And then just leave it up to St. Louis randomly flips a coin or rotates them.

Rotates five. Because I liked one that was very simple. Yeah. In terms of, I wouldn't say it's the one, but it could be one of the ones. Well, Rob did Sunday. Yeah, exactly. His Sunday fucking

papers is pretty rocking. pretty great. But but a potty mouth start to the show. Yeah. Sometimes you're in like a chill mood, you know? Yeah, it's true. It's true. Hey, were we going to talk about, didn't you get in touch with Louie? Oh, yeah. Well, that's in my tour dates. My tour dates are... Oh, all right. Do your tour dates. Well, I'm announcing some with Louie CK. I'm going to do some shows with him in Canada, Vancouver, and Ottawa in the first week of August.

That's soon, man. Yeah. He just texted me yesterday. He's like, you want to come to Canada and do some, get on a private jet and do some theaters? I was like, yeah, I'll do that. No doubt, man. So we're going to do that.

And I can't wait. I can't wait to see his new material. And I can't wait to see my material and how it goes in front of his crowd. I love the last hour. It was great. His last hour was fantastic. Yeah. I'm curious to see if I'll get any blowback about working with Louis.

I bet you will. I know who I'll get it from is Mary. Oh, of course. Mary's going to give me shit. Yeah. But my conscience is clear. Louis is a dear friend. He has been for 30 years.

I think he made a mistake. He apologized. He did a few years in purgatory. His career has been affected by it. I think there's been ample punishment. I don't know what people expect. I don't know if some people expect that Louis should never work again or somehow we should all ostracize him for the rest of our lives.

And I don't understand that thinking. I have a lot to say about it. And you've heard me actually in a public restaurant go at it with Mary about it. But there's no win. There's no win in it for go at it with Mary about it but there's no win there's no win in it for me to state my opinion about it yeah but I am

team Louie I guess you could say if you want to know the short answer when I look at what was done that's all I'm going to say when you look at what happened I. That's all I'm going to say. When you look at what happened, I am not defending it saying that it's fine by any stretch of the imagination,

but I think we need some perspective here. After that, I'm going to be in a gunk with Maine on August 11th at Jonathan's. And then I'll be in Manchester, New Hampshire, August 12th and 13th at chunky cinema pub. and then I'll be in Manchester, New Hampshire, August 12th and 13th at Chunky's Cinema Pub. Then I'm going to be in Lowell, Arkansas, September 16th and 17th

at The Grove. New Orleans, October 6th, with you, I think. Pete Scott just called me yesterday. He listened to the podcast. He's into it. He wants to come to New Orleans. Maybe we'll get Dudley. And then Lafayette, Louisiana, October 7th.

Also dates coming up in Tampa, Plano, Texas, and Chicago all in the fall. At the Den in Chicago. I think that's going to be October 13th. Let me check my emails. Yeah, I know. October 14th at the Den Theater in Chicago. We could talk about this here. So you have not seen Bill Burr's New Hour. I have not. I've seen a couple of clips. It's great. Yeah. It seemed weird that he's outside like he's screaming. He said something

really funny about being outside i don't want to spoil it he said something very just an off-the-cuff one sentence very very very got a big laugh though um i uh a couple things one regarding the louis exact topic we were talking about he brings up a very good example of dead people who were canceled. And he compares, and that's all I'll say. He compares, what's his name? Scottish James Bond, Sean Connery and Coco Chanel. And it's fascinating. Okay. Interesting. Yep. So that's really good. But the reason I bring it up is because his hour reminded me a lot of you. He got very, the most vulnerable I've ever seen him.

Wow. And talked about his, which he does every special, his issues, his anger. And he had a big mushroom experience and had a breakthrough. Wow. But I'm not saying he reminded me of you because you talk about mushrooms and you were, you know, sort of dabbling or all you, you thought you might've had a breakthrough. It has nothing to do with that. It was actually especially watching someone kind of be very vulnerable about their issues and in a funny way. And yeah, and I think, you know, you guys grew up on on in the clubs together. And anyway, it really reminded me of you in a great way. High praise. Nice to hear. Yeah. I can't wait to see.

Owen loves Bill. So maybe we'll watch that this weekend together. Oh, and also definitely include Aaron because you got it. You got it. We have to teach these bitches a lesson. I mean, they just got to step back, step back a little. I think our podcast takes a step in that direction. Corrections. Danny Bark said, when reading your upcoming tour dates, you said you would be performing at The Grove in Lowell, Arizona. AR is the abbreviation for Arkansas, not Arizona. Yeah.

I literally thought I was going to Arizona when I saw Lowell AR. When my agent sent me the gig and they said, you want to do Lowell AR? I was like, yeah. I was thinking, oh, quick trip from L.A. to Arizona. I've never heard of Lowell before. Good thing I didn't buy my flight. So and then also. Wait, do you know the Gary Goldman's famous bit about when they, you know, it used to be FLA.

And then the post office is like, we need two letter abbreviations for every state. He describes that meeting and they're like, all right, let's do it. What's the first? And I think, let's say it's Alabama, right? Alabama, AL, great. This, don't even order lunch. This is going to be the fastest meeting ever. Next state, Alaska.

Oh, shit. And it goes on. It's so funny. It's on YouTube. Gary Gullman, G-U-L-M-A-N, and look up the abbreviations. Just put abbreviations. It's worth it. Actually, Alaska, I don't know because A-K is Arkansas.

So Alaska is what, A-S? I thought it was A.K. No, A.K. is Arkansas, isn't it? I don't know about that, is it? Isn't it A.R.? I don't know. Oh, maybe it's A.R. Maybe you're going to Alaska, dude. You don't know it. Alaska is A.K. Okay.

Arkansas, A.R. Holy shit, I'm good at this. Okay. Arkansas AR. Holy shit, I'm good at this. Yeah. All right. I still put FLA on my mail. Still do it. Send stuff to my mom all the time, FLA. Gets there.

Well, because you have the FL. Nathan Brown said, correction for you, the writer of It Ain't Easy that David Bowie covered was Ron Davies, not Ray Davies of the Kinks. Oh, yeah. But weren't they brothers? They're not brothers? No, wasn't that Dave Davies, maybe, the guitarist? Oh, I'm thinking of Dave Davies.

Right. The first British brothers that didn't, in a famous band that didn't get along. Maybe not the first brothers anyway and and let's not forget about the first song on the first album of wolfgang amadeus mozart the sassy game changer trio in g major that's a very good uh yeah that's a good first on first um you know what else is very good um mental health mental health is it's crucial in these days and these times we're going through. Check in on your brain, your mental state. Talk space is like having a therapist in your pocket. You can get your therapist or your psychiatrist anytime, anywhere.

It makes taking care of your mental health super easy. I'm more relaxed when I'm traveling, knowing I can talk to my therapist. I can just send a message from wherever I am. Working through things in therapy can be tough. Connecting to my therapist should not be. Here's what you're going to do. It's a journey. You prioritize your mental health and your wellness every day. I don't care what you do, whether you journal, whether you exercise,

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This is me. And I see that they have, they'll do prescription because I, if I wear regular sunglasses, I need to put contacts under those bitches. And, uh, so I'm going to, I, I'm going to order a pair of the prescription sunglasses. That's how much I like them. So shady rays offers the most insane protection in all of eyewear. Every pair is backed by the lost and broken replacements. If you lose or break your pair, even on day one, they told us they will

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Try it for yourself. The shade's rated five stars by over 200,000 people. And I'm going back for the prescription ones. Although I have to say, if you were to go to the homeless guys on Venice Beach and you offered them either the free meal or the Shady Ray sunglasses, they're taking the glasses. Nine out of ten times.

I thought you were going to say you'd offer them the free therapy and the free glasses. Oh, yeah. There you go. Why not do therapy with confidence? Yes. Hey, let me ask you something, Mike.

Do you have life insurance? Good question. You want a real answer? Yes. I don't know if that helps us right now, does it? Well, it helps the concept if you don't have it. I, of course, have it. Of course you have it.

I have it. I have it. I, of course, have it. Of course you have it. I have it. And actually, mine just ran out because I got term life insurance, which is supposed to last until your children are, you know, at an age where they're not as dependent on you anymore. And when I was young, when I first signed up, I thought, hey, once they're in college, they're not really going to need me anymore. They're not going to need any money. They're going to be educated kids.

You should have taken out a policy on Brulee, a big fat one, right before you killed that thing. Well, I had life insurance all through their lives, and it let me sleep at night. I had a $1 million policy, which I know sounds like a lot of money, but you have to understand something. My wife is accustomed to a certain way of living, and with that failure and disappointment, there should be a payoff for her someday. So I always felt good that I had this life insurance. It let me go to sleep at night. If you have people that rely on you, whether it's a child, a parent, business partner, whatever,

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Heat wave in Greg's office. Asphyxiation. Asphyxiation. Easy for me to say. So Triumph, as you know, charges have been dropped against the members of the Late Show with Stephen Colbert production team that were arrested at the U.S. Capitol on June 16th while filming a Triumph the Comic insult dog segment for the talk show. And just like that, following the news, former President Donald Trump took to his platform Truth Social. You know Truth Social.

Everyone's on it. Are either of those words true? I guess social meaning social media, which is not social. It's antisocial. And we all know about his truth. Okay. To air his grievances while comparing Colbert's team to the violent January 4th insurrectionists. Why does it say January 4th?

I don't know. Were they ahead of the curve? He says, wow, prosecutors have just dropped all charges against ratings-challenged Colberts, though he shows staffers who entered the Capitol illegally disregarding police warnings wouldn't leave the premises and were very loud and disruptive late into the evening. So basically, look, you can't compare a guy with a puppet to a guy in a Viking helmet. I mean, what the fuck? It's a false comparison, of course. False equivalency is what it's called in arguing techniques.

Although I will say Triumph also entered the Capitol to find Pelosi's desk to poop on. And so that's exactly what the January 6th guys had stated. In fact, some of them smeared their poop on the walls. No, they didn't. Yeah. Oh, no, they did. 100% they did. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's a fact. Hey, do you know how many people died on January 6th because of the January 6th? Was it

five? Well, I don't know. There was one woman got shot because she tried to jump through a fucking window of the Capitol. Good riddance and then uh two of the uh two of the people had heart attacks because they got so excited that they died but then tragically like three or four or more of the security force for the Capitol killed themselves because of the trauma. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Well, the hearing tonight, it's Thursday. The hearing tonight is supposed to, did I already say this on the podcast? The hearing tonight is going to be big. Yeah, it's going to be big. Yeah. You know what else is big? Well, I don't know if it's going to be big, but yeah, we talked about this. It's going to be, I Yeah, it's going to be big. Yeah. You know what else? Well, I don't know if it's going to be big, but it's good. Yeah, we talked about this. It's going to be I read a little they're teasing it.

So there's a little detail that's supposedly going to be fun to watch. Kylie Jenner's always fun to watch. She's faced a torrent of criticism for her decision to take her private jet on a flight that lasted 17 minutes. Which, by the way, I looked at it on the map. I hope that means it crashed into the ocean. Was it supposed to be four hours and it lasted 17 minutes? Do tell me more. Jenna, the 24-year-old socialite, has faced online opprobrium

after she posted an Instagram picture of herself and her partner, rapper Travis Scott, not familiar with his work, on the runway of an airport between two private jets with the caption, you want to take mine or yours? Go fuck yourself. So she went from Van Nuys to the nearby town of Camarillo. I mean, it's literally a 40-minute car ride. So she was attacked for being... Or six hours.

She was attacked for being a full-time climate criminal. Attention. Attention passengers. We will be climbing to an altitude of 350 feet. The drink cart will be coming through the aisle in 30 seconds. Don't bother fastening your seatbelts. We're only in the air for about nine minutes,

plus you're billionaires and I make $800 a week. The in-flight movie is a TikTok video, and you will be credited with 35 frequent flyer miles for this trip. That was my bet. I love that bet. You know Travis Scott. I mean, he just got in a lot of trouble. Name one of his songs.

No, no, but people died at his concert oh really yeah oh is that the one they rushed the stage yeah well they didn't rush the stage the crowds were so bad and then people would fall and then they got like um anyway i'm looking up news now and now he's like he pauses New York concert to keep attendees safe months after 10 people died at his Astroworld Festival. Damn. No, that was really there was one account that was going around that, you know, someone wrote who barely survived it, I guess. And they talked about how they survived it. And anyway, it was scary, man. Like there's, you know, I always have those thoughts, like even in nine 11, like, you know, Oh, I'd,

I'd run down the stairs. Like I'd get out or like some fire in New York. Like, Oh, I, I just, by sheer will, I'd get out. And the older and more realistic you get, you're like, you wouldn't have gotten out. And, and this thing was like, if you, unfortunately, if you fell, it was not looking good for you to get out of there alive. And even if you didn't fall, they say that you could not breathe. You were being crushed to where your chest was compressed and you could not get air. Yeah. And I think he was encouraging people to, I shouldn't say that. I thought I remembered reading something about that he was sort of like inciting the crowd to go crazy,

which I guess you're supposed to do as a rapper, but I don't know. And it's, listen, it is not easy at all to die at a concert. I tried to kill myself at a BTS concert and everyone was like taking the knife out of my hand and moving me. I would like lay down on the floor and beg people to trample me. No one would do it. Yeah, I know. You stage dive and you look for a spot where there's no people and you go head first.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it's first. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it's not as easy as you think. Yeah, BTS. Boy band. You know them. Korean boy band? Yeah, of course.

Yeah. Korea, man. Barbecue and boy bands. Killing it. And cars now. When Peter and Paula Closier's dog, Bonnie escaped through an open gate, the family was afraid they'd never see her again. Luckily the five-year-old beagle mix was found shortly after she,

she vanished, but she didn't come home empty handed. Bonnie returned as a ribbon winner from a dog show. John Wilmer spotted Bonnie by the side of the road. All right. Long story short, some guy found her, brought her to a dog show that he was bringing his other dog to,

and this motherfucker won a ribbon. I just can't imagine. If Brule ran away, he'd come home with blood on his mouth. There would be no... And Hannah would come back with a condom hanging out of her asshole. There'd be no ribbons.

And they couldn't wait for tomorrow at the same adventure. It's like those companies that pick them up and take them up to the mountains for a day. Right. They'd love it. Yeah. That is a wild, that's kind of crazy story though.

Isn't that crazy? Stolen dog wins dog show. Yeah. Found dog at best wins dog show. I wonder if the person that found him kept the ribbon. I'd keep the ribbon. I'd be like, I think this is mine. Yeah, he certainly facilitated it.

Yeah. A crew member of Law and Order colon organized crime, which I didn't know was a series. I guess it's a series now, was shot and killed on the Brooklyn set of the NBC drama early Tuesday morning. Sounds like a very disorganized crime, if you ask me. The man, a parking enforcement worker, Johnny Pizarro, 31, of Queens, was killed while sitting in a car on the set. An NBC spokesman said, it would really be a shame if something bad were to happen to the Gambinos now, or a tragedy should befall someone from the five families.

Law and disorder. What? That's. All right. How was he shot? Sitting in the car. You should read these stories before we do the show. Just, you know know just to get some sense of what we're doing it's a thursday man um no but i was wondering like how it happened

exactly because you that's not in the details here well the guy was a parking lot secure i think it was at like five in the morning. So it was probably he was probably there overnight. We don't think it was a stray bullet, for instance. We don't know. They don't say. Nobody saw. Nobody saw nothing. All right.

All right. I got it. No, I do know this story. Why don't you read this one just to give the give the impression that you might have done some work on this week's script. President Joe Biden said Thursday that he's tested positive for COVID-19, but will continue to work while in isolation at the White House, despite his mild symptoms. In a video posted to Twitter, Biden told Americans that he is, quote,

doing well and that his symptoms continue to be mild. Yeah, he said he's not worried about long-haul symptoms because he expects to be dead from old age by christmas i hope he doesn't get foggy brain i mean that that can happen with covid oh my god how do you tell you have covid if you already live with the fucking symptoms of covid yeah exactly um what's gonna happen he going to run for president again? He can't. And get Kamala the hell

out of there. Get her out! I don't like her. It's just my personal thing. I'm not going to list a long thing about it. Anyway, you know, we get letters from people like, I can't believe these guys don't talk about

biden's son and like biden and and the inflation goes listen idiots we don't we try not to talk too much politics of course if there's you know hearings about people killing people in the capital yeah we we might mention that But even when Trump was in, we stopped talking about it because it's very obviously it loses listeners. People are coming here maybe to escape that a little bit. But more than anything, it's that a lot of our listeners, it turns out, are a bunch of babies. And so all of a sudden, when we're not talking about politics, even that's not acceptable. Yeah. Now, you can't win. You can't win because I read and respond to all emails.

So do I. And I'm shocked. You don't respond to any. And I'm shocked at the negativity. All we're doing is putting out a show for free, folks. That's it. They whine like crazy. Both sides whine, but they whine like crazy

when you would talk about Trump and then not be equal like Bastion on the other side. And then when you don't talk about anything at all, they whine. I mean, imagine the audacity to be like, I can't believe you guys don't talk about Biden's son or the inflation rate. If you're on the right,

you don't want us talking about inflation right now because if we point to the culprits of it, you wouldn't be happy about it. You would deny it. Interesting. It's both sides have led to it. Don't get me wrong, but Democrats seem to always get past

the Republican bill from the lowering the taxes and reducing the income that the country makes with that. Yeah, they are saying that because of the disparity between the rich and the poor, that has been a major factor in inflation right now. Abortion. Let's get nonpartisan abortion. 17 members of Congress were among those arrested Tuesday during an abortion rights demonstration outside the Supreme Court. U.S. Capitol Police said they made a total of 35 arrests for crowding and obstructing, which included 17 members of Congress. So and a lot of these women, AOC and a bunch of them were sent to jail. But here's the thing is, as we read in this story last week about the transsexual who was in the women's prison knocking women up, is if you go to a women's prison, you may need an abortion.

Turns out they're getting knocked up in prison by other women. Yep. Let's just leave that there. I got to tell you something. The idea of AOC in a prison uniform, kind of exciting to me. You're not part of the problem. You are the problem.

I am the problem. I'm sorry. She's gorgeous. I have a little crush on her, and I know. She went to our alma mater. She went to BU. Yeah. All right.

I don't know. You don't wish she could tone it down a little bit? Oh, I'm not talking about her politics. I'm just talking about her physically. I know. I'm talking about her boobs. I mean, come on. Right in our face. Tone it down.

All right. Here's my story. No jokes on it. But Greenland is melting. Several days of unusually warm weather in northern Greenland have triggered rapid melting made visible by the rivers of meltwater rushing into the ocean. Temperatures have been running around 60 degrees Fahrenheit, which is 10 degrees warmer than normal for this time of year. The amount of ice that melted in Greenland between July 15th and 17th alone, 6 billion tons of water per day. 6 billion tons of water per day. Tons of water per day. Oh, my God. So in one day, it would fill 7.2 million Olympic-sized swimming pools.

And put another way, it's enough to cover the entire state of West Virginia with a foot of water. Oh, finally they clean their feet. I think everyone would love if West Virginia took a bath. No, the whole state. So the heat waves everywhere. We talked about it in Europe last week and now. All right. So here were some highs earlier this week in Texas and Oklahoma. Wichita Falls, 115. 111 in Borger, Texas. Abilene, 110. Oklahoma City, 110. El Paso, 107. I mean, how's Texas's grid doing? Do you think the Texas electricity grid, do you think it makes it another week? No. There's no way.

That's a bold... You should get odds on that bet. These are all records. All those numbers you just said are records. Some of them set back in 1936. Some of them set in 1980, 1951. Houston, 100,

which ties their record. Another record Houston has fattest, fattest city in America. Wow. So how how are those two things going to work out together? Also, Joe Biden, 103, 103 yesterday. That's a new record for Biden, I think. Yeah. Broke the record from 1947 when he had the mumps when he was a kid. Biden, I think. Yeah. Broke the record from 1947 when he had the mumps when he was a kid. All right. So this I was going to put a monkey. It's a lot of monkeys are in the news a lot.

There's monkey pox. But then I found a real monkey. Cops hunt a rogue monkey. So listen, I have a Google alert for the phrase rogue monkey and it popped up this week. the phrase rogue monkey and it popped up this week. Cops hunt rogue monkey after 18 people, including a baby were injured in a, another Google phrase. I have an alert for two week rampage rampage. Japanese police are hunting a wild monkey that has attacked at least 18 people across the two. Sorry,

let me do this again. Japanese police are hunting a wild monkey that has attacked at least 18 people across the two. Sorry, let me do this again. Japanese police are hunting a wild monkey that has attacked at least 18 people across two weeks in the western city of Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi! A baby and two four-year-old girls were also targeted by the Japanese macaque. Macaque, a species that is native to the country and which can grow up to 52. That's a big macaque, 52 centimeters tall. And the girth on this thing is just under two stone, the weight of the girth. This is not the first time reports of monkey attacking people in Japan with one famous case from 2002

when a macaque targeted 23 women in the northern town of Suwa. Suwa! 23 women in the northern town of Suwa. Suwa! It is believed the primate was looking for a mate, but it has attacked and bit several ladies between the ages of 50 and 80. So this monkey likes milf. Look at it.

Macaque. Macaque is also only interested in women. Between 50 and 80? That's about right, isn't it? Between 50 and 80, yeah about right isn't it 50 and 80 yeah that does apply to you jesus um no but they they can't find this thing so so he attacks and then he escapes even the baby so the one that they reference here the baby uh the mom caught it dragging the baby out by like its ankle it It was dragging it out. To have its way with it.

That's me. That's my editorialization right there. I think that's what was going to go on. I think it was foreplay. If I'm a Japanese diaper maker, I'm putting an extra lock on those fucking, those Velcro snaps. Listen, macaque needs foreplay.

Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that. Macaque happens to love Asian women. I'll tell you what, a macaque would be in Japan if it had its way. I can't believe macaque is 52 centimeters tall. That is amazing. We're nine years old. Okay. Good news for Gubbins.

Good news for Gubbins. All right. So last week, it was Sunday, and Gubbins ordered some bagels, which I got very excited about. He asked me, he goes, I overordered bagels from Rosie's Bagels. The best bagels I've ever had. Literally the best bagels I've ever had. Not just saying that. They're amazing. And so he overordered and he asked me if I wanted some.

And so I said, great. And he goes, all right, just swing by my house and pick them up. So one of the selling points of Rosie's Bagels is that if you live on the west side of L.A., they deliver them to your house for you fresh. They make them that morning, and they drop them off at your house with the cream cheese. And so, of course, they're not dropping them at my house. They're dropping them at Gubbins' house. And I got to go to his house.

And so he gives me six bagels, and then I give him some money, and he says, it's $2 more than that. I'm like, what the fuck is that? You're going to drop him in my house? Yeah. I ate two of his bagels that morning. Oh. Yeah. I ate two of his bagels that morning. Oh.

Yeah. Did he keep the locks? I think so. I think they came with locks and he kept the locks. I went over there because we were on our way to golf and I ate two of them. So I'm shocked I haven't been hit with a bill yet. If you want some, it's Rosie's Bagels LA, and you will enjoy them. Tell them we sent you.

You ate two bagels? Didn't you crash after that? Probably. I can't tell. I'm kind of in a crashed state lately. No, I, not really. Breakfast and then coffee. Two bagels. I ate one bagel and I crashed.

I normally eat one, but it was late also and I hadn't eaten. It was, I forget what time it was. Oh, I know when it was. It was well after that golf, the open, I guess, because we, he T-voted and we watched the end. I guess that was a pretty good ending as far as golf fans go, huh? Big comeback. Yeah, the guy with the mullet from Australia came back in the end, Cameron Smith.

Yeah. That guy is a character, man. Yeah, he is. That mullet is Joe Dirt crazy. Yep. I like it. And Rory McIlroy was in the lead. Rory cannot close on a fucking major. It's been

a long time. I pride myself on not knowing a thing you're talking about. Rory McIlroy is from Belfast. I wasn't asking for an explanation. I'm good. I'm good. Watch and golf. Bridge too far. Entertainment.

too far entertainment all right we're going to talk about the bear next week i'm watching the finale tonight with the family watch it and how many episodes of the bear are there there's only seven and what is it it's about a guy remember did you did you watch... Grizzly Man. No, it was that Showtime show about the family in Chicago. What? Married with Children. No, you didn't see it. Anyway, there's a guy from that is in it. And it's about this guy.

He's a chef. He's a famous chef 30 something he comes back to comes back to chicago and takes over the chicago you know that chicago beef that they make italian beef all right this description is very difficult to get through. Anyway, Chef comes back and starts working on a hole-in-the-wall beef sandwich place with his family. Right. Very good. And then he starts serving bear? This is the bear. It's an excellent show.

Is he a big, hairy chef? You're going to feel like such an asshole after you watch the show and you realize this is an important show and that you're insignificant. It's in Chicago. Are you sure it's not called The Beer? No? Okay. Shameless was the show. Did you see Shameless? No, I didn't. I didn't. All right. It was one of the stars of Shameless. He would cook. Wouldn't he cook meth, that guy? What do you want to talk about? I want to talk about Nathan Fielder's new show, The Rehearsal. Love Nathan Fielder. All right. Have you seen it? No. I wrote in here, I'd love to hear your thoughts on The Rehearsal show on HBO. I drop everything and start it before, you know, the premise if possible. Okay. It's, you know, the, the pilot, I think there's supposed to be

a half hour. The pilot was longer than that. Um, he, so in the first minute, I'm not going to give anything away. The first minute he tells you the premise, he said, I'm very I'm very awkward socially. Right. So I I've met Nathan. I believe he's on the spectrum. I mean, no disrespect with that. And spectrum. No disrespect. And he talks about how socially awkward he is. And he's learned through, you know, one of his coping mechanisms is humor. But also he finds if he's more familiar with the place, um, he's better. And so the concept of the show, the rehearsal is, why are you telling me if you just said, you're not going to tell me, you literally just said, I'm not going to spoil it. I also literally said, this is the premise in, in, in the first minute, I'm only talking about

the first minute and I want people to watch it. And I think I'm selling it. And so you would rehearse a social situation before it happens. And that's kind of the idea, but Oh man, uh, I don't even know. Yeah. I don't even know how to describe it.

It was really interesting. Can't wait. Yeah. Billie Eilish put out a couple new songs today. Yep. One's called 30 and one's called TV. They're excellent. Excellent songs. Acoustic.

Yeah, I really enjoy her. Yeah, boy, she depressed in the TV one. I didn't really hear all the words of the second one. Well, the TV one. I didn't really hear all the words of the second one. Well, the TV one is, yeah, she watches. I think the line is, so I watch Survivor so I could watch people suffer. Oh, great. Now you spoiled it. Get back to the bear, something you can't explain at all. I really can't. I mean, there's no reason to watch it based on the explanation. Just watch it because you trust me and that I have good taste in TV. What else do we got?

You saw the Beavis and Butthead movie? The what? You saw Beavis and Butthead or no? I did not see it. Oh, boy. We can't talk about anything. All right. Other entertainment news. You ready? Yeah. Alan Dershowitz says he can't watch Curb anymore after his spat with Larry David on Martha's Vineyard. Sounds like the Larry David situation.

It is so white. And it was at like a high end, like coffee shop on Martha's Vineyard where they both own homes. The Larry David that's in Curb Your Enthusiasm is not a fictional character. He's the real Larry David, said Dershowitz. He was asked about the encounter in a recent profile with The New Yorker, and he did not deny that he was called disgusting by Larry David. He did. Yeah, Dersh said when asked if it's true that he got chewed out. What happened is it's interesting because I was having lunch with a very radical lawyer who loves me. I mean, he disagrees with me. We argue all the time. So I was having lunch with him. By the way, I can't even do how much Dershowitz wines. I can't even do that impression. The whining is at such a high level. So I was having lunch with him. By the way, I can't even do how much Dershowitz wines. I can't

even do that impression. The whining is at such a high level. So I was having lunch with him. And then a number of other people were there. Suddenly Larry David walks in to buy some groceries. I say, hi, Larry. And he turns away and he just walks away. I say, Larry, can't we at least talk? He said, no, you're disgusting. So, so the exact, someone wrote down the exact lines, two lines, each of what they said, Dershowitz, we can still talk, Larry. No, no, we really can't. I saw you. I saw you with your arm around Trump secretary. I saw your arm. Sorry. They, they, they, uh, put something in a parenthetical in here. I saw you with your arm around Pompeo.

It's disgusting. Dershowitz goes, he's my former student. I greet all of my former students that way. I can't greet my former students. It's disgusting. Your whole enclave. It's disgusting. You're disgusting.

And then he walked out. I respect that. Especially since he tried to walk away and not say anything. You know? Yeah. Dershowitz pushed it. I was just thinking about, I think that there's a good, I think that there's a good Mitch Hedberg joke about how they use parentheses in phone numbers. Like, are the first three numbers kind of a secret? Yeah. Well, that screwed me up. And I skipped another parenthetical down below.

It's like, just put the quotes. Yeah. Are the first three numbers not essential? I mean, you kind of need them for the phone number. Yeah, kind of an aside. Yeah. I like that. Sasha Baron Cohen.

Should we do this? No, let's skip this one. Especially since it's Sasha. What did I say? Sasha. Sasha. Let's make America Florida. You got it.

We're not going to do this story, but I love reading this headline that, of course, of course, Florida has nearly 10% of all monkeypox cases. Of course. And monkeypox isn't really even out here yet like i know there's a case or two i know it's underreported also but i i think it's really an east coast problem at this point chicago also maybe anyway um florida mom arrested after six-year-old tests positive for cocaine marijuana and benzos the police say Nyla Evans was arrested after her daughter tested positive for everything I just mentioned in Jackson North Hospital in Miami Beach she was taken to the hospital by paramedics

around 12 25 a.m. That's a little late for her bedtime, although when you're on cocaine, I guess your bedtime's later. Yeah, you push it back an hour for each line that you do. That's the general rule with kids. And the benzos might affect. Maybe it pulls it back a little. The victim stated that she ate her Lunchable and drank her juice,

and that made her feel dizzy she stated she told mommy but mommy put me to sleep kind of kind of like brulee evans reportedly told police that she gave her daughter lunch at 3 p.m okay already the kids dysregulated. Already. Yeah. And she started to slur her speech and drag her feet about three hours later. She told officers that the mom said she smokes marijuana, but not in front of her daughter. She said she didn't know how the child tested positive for the drugs. The arrest report stated that Evans put her daughter to bed because she, quote, looked tired. She then reportedly gave her daughter some milk and put her in the bathroom at around 1030 because she thought she got into rat poison. Rat poison would probably be better than a fucking cocktail of benzos and coke.

But you also know, like, you don't even have to call poison control. When your six-year-old gets rat poison, you just need to put them in the bathroom. Yeah, right. That's all. So how did she get all these drugs in her? Do we not know? No, they said the cause of all this was Florida. Yeah.

Is it in the drinking water now? That's why we're doing this story. Right, right. Yes, but tons of antidepressants, too. Yeah, yeah. yeah that's why we're drinking water now that's why we're doing this story right right yes but tons of antidepressants too yeah yeah now who is saying that that that uh now they're finding the alligators in florida have um have uh what's that drug um that fentanyl fentanyl in them yeah they're finding it. Yeah. That should have been the headline. Florida mom arrested after six-year-old doesn't test positive for fentanyl. And everyone's baffled.

I know. It must be so easy to be a public school teacher in Florida because the kids are just very sedated and quiet from the drinking water. There's a little fluoride in there, which people are up in arms about. And there's also fentanyl. International. We'll skip and we'll go to sports. Oh, the WNBA is in the news. That's rare.

Why would the WNBA be in the... Oh, because one of them got arrested. Not for a dunk. In February, Russian officials arrested American WNBA star Brittany Griner at a Moscow airport on cannabis possession charges. Since then, authorities have extended her detention four times, and there have been mounting calls for the U.S. to bring her home. They say Russia's using her as a political pawn. Now she's pleaded guilty to drug charges that could land her up to 10 years in prison.

Wow. So she pleaded guilty to the drug charges. She said she had no intent to break the law, but she packed in a hurry and that cartridges accidentally ended up in her bags. It seems like people pack in a hurry and all kinds of stuff ends up in their bags. That's a common one. Yeah. That's like the thing you hear when people get canceled and they say, I will try to do better. I will do better. Like that's a phrase you hear a lot. But listen, I believe she didn't intentionally throw it in her bag because I think she would have missed.

And nobody would have helped her put it back in because they don't know how to do rebounds. And it's also, it's not her fault that she got caught. She's not used to anybody playing defense. How could she not get it in the bag? The bag is, the item is smaller. It goes in the bag easier. Right. The three-point line is closer.

Right. Well, maybe it's because it wasn't orange, so it actually went in. Oh, they don't use orange. I don't know what they, yeah, I think they do. You know, more people have followed this story than followed the entire WNBA playoffs. Maybe the league should all fly to Russia with vape pens and start a penitentiary league. Then we'll watch. Women's prison basketball. Yep.

Some billionaire should come up with that league and watch how many more people. Bill Burr does a big chunk on the WNBA, by the way. Good. Yep. Put the asses in the seats. That's what I say. Well, he blames women for not helping it succeed, for not watching. Okay, well, that's fair.

But they'll watch the Kardashians just, you know, belittle and shame each other and the Bachelorette and all that. Well, I can't wait to watch this special. Tearing each other down. This Bill Burr guy, he's really got it going on. He's going places. Let's cut down to letters to the editor because we have a lot of them. All right. Oh, boy.

I really should get a newspaper. So, Matt Santos wrote us this note. So, he came to SoCal for some photo shoots. I guess he's a photographer. And Monday through Thursday, bought the family. And then he checked into a Santa Monica hotel. At 4 a.m., somebody did a smash and grab to our car. He spent from 4.30 a.m. to 9 a.m. dealing with security, police, and insurance. After job on Sunday, car wouldn't start, had to buy a new battery.

Stressful day, had me grinding my teeth through the night, broke a crown on the molar. Shop said they might be able to fit us in today, so I dropped my wife and son at Venice Beach, waiting for the good folks at North Ranch Body Craft. Know them well. Great body shop on the west side. And they said they could fit me in and replace the window. So I'm sitting near the beach, parked illegally, hoping I don't get towed.

So he's protecting his video and photo gear while his wife and son play in the water, staying calm, having some laughs while listening to you guys recap the offer. By the way, you can use my Paramount Plus login. Let me know. I'll send it to you.

Wow. Long-winded way to say, so far, your show is the best thing to happen to me in the last 48 hours. Oh, my God. That was so nice. So I replied to him, yes, send me your login info, and he did, and I've been watching the show. You're not serious. I'm serious.

Well, let's take care of Matt. The poor guy's down on his luck. What an awful visit. I mean, can't we send him stuff? I mean, not a mug. No, can't we, like, send him some sunglasses or talk to one of our sponsors or something? Yeah, let's do it.

Let's take care of him. He's had a rough week in our neighborhood, so we're going to take care of you. Send me your address, Matt, and we're going to send you something. And by we, I will send you something. Although I don't think Matt uses his time well if he listened to our podcast during all this, but okay. Thank you, Matt. By the way, this is the last week we're going to talk about

cover versions of songs that were better than the originals. You guys have been very generous with your time and your resources. Do not send any more in. We've covered it. These are the last ones we'll talk about. Bruce Wise said, although Beethoven's Fifth Symphony might be the best known work, he never actually got very high

on the charts with it. In 1977, Walter Murphy covered the tune with a disco beat and took a fifth of Beethoven all the way to number one. Do you remember that song? Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun- that was fucking great I guess was it better than the 5th a 5th of Beethoven no was it better than Beethoven's

symphony no you're going to agree with me the song was exactly what Bill Murray would have done with it with his sticky lounge singer character on SNL and maybe like sang dumb lyrics over it. Absolutely. Yeah.

But you know what? I think it made me appreciate listening to Beethoven's symphony later. No. Jeff JK. That's the guy's last name. JK said all along the watcht last name, JK, said, All along the Watchtower, Hendricks does better than Dylan. Yes, I think we covered that.

Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley improves on Leonard Cohen. We did that. We talked about that. Simon and Garfunkel's Hazy Shade of Winter covered by the Bengals, absolutely a better version. Yeah. He has Willie nelson here of course so willie nelson it's kind of like you know christopherson with me and bobby mcgee willie nelson and christopherson were songwriters in nashville and so that's how they first you know

got their start that's how they got their start And then they got their fame when they stood in front of the mic finally and sang their own songs. But like Willie Nelson wrote Stardust. I mean, so many people covered his songs. Crazy. He wrote Crazy and Patsy Cline covered it. Yep. Did it better.

That was Eric Anderson wrote that in. Jason Cobb suggested Sea of Love, the Honey Drippers version. Who did the original Sea of Love, the Honey Drippers version. Who did the original Sea of Love? The Honey Drippers, of course, is Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin. I don't know who did the original. It wasn't what's-his-name, Mac the Knife Guy, Bobby Darin. It was like an old soul group from the 50s. Oh, okay.

Maybe Denman can look that up if he can get off of Reddit for a couple of minutes. Jimi Hendrix covering Star Spangled Banner, obviously the best version of the Star Spangled Banner ever. Oh, boy, now you're going to get your Whitney Houston fans all their panties in a bunch. She did something with that song. Someone will probably write in. She did it in a different key or like 4-4.

Again, I don't know music. But it wasn't unique. People had done it before, I think. But she did it. She did that more unusual version of the Star Spangled Banner that she famously sang at the Super Bowl. Might have been after 9-11, right? Phil Phillips, 1959, did Sea of Love. Nailed it. That's what I said. He was a crooner. Don't rewind. I said it was a crooner don't rewind i believe he was a crooner uh let's get to the funnies we're gonna skip the obituaries because nobody died that we gave a shit about this week oh boy oh bits uh this is a fun one uh i don't know if somebody sent me this, but there was a Dilbert. We don't do Dilbert

enough. So Dilbert is talking to his coworker, who's his boss. And the boss says to Dilbert, I'm promoting you to team leader. Dilbert goes, do I get a raise? Boss goes, there's no extra money, just extra responsibility. It's how we recognize our best people. And Dilbert said, I thought all the good people leave for better companies. And the boss goes, it's another way we recognize them. That's fucking funny. Dilbert? I can't believe we've sunk into Dilbert. Dilbert's great.

You don't like Dilbert? What's up with his boss's hair? It looks like the smack my bitch up guy. Yeah. All right. Okay. Lock horns. Lock horns.

We have Loretta's mom walks in. She does not look like a nice person. Leroy looks like he's in a foul mood because of it. And Loretta says, try to make my mother feel at home even if you wish she were. That's a good line. Leroy is drinking a cup of coffee

and Loretta's talking to her friend at the kitchen table, just taking fucking pot shots at the poor guy. And she goes, Leroy is a reenactor. His specialty is the Battle of the Bulge. Oof. That's not nice. And here's a Hager strip that does not involve rape, but in fact involves his daughter.

And his daughter is at the stove in the kitchen. I didn't know they had those in the medieval times. And she goes, Mama left early for a doctor's appointment, and Hager's just waking up. He's in his sleeping gown. And he goes, Yawn. Can you scramble eggs for me? And she goes, G-S-E-G.

And he goes, I'm going back to bed. E.G. And he goes, I'm going back to bed. Here we go. Are we up to Charles Adams? We're up to Charles Adams. Chaz. Here he is.

This is in ancient Greece, right? This would have to be ancient Greece. God, have I lost a step, man. Ancient Greece, and it is the queen, and she's walking in front of the Ionic columns, if that's what they are, and she's holding little Oedipus by the ear, and she looks pissed, and she goes to little Oedipus.

No, sorry. It's Oedipus. No, sorry. It's Oedipus's brother. And she goes, why can't you be more like Oedipus? Who adored his mother, adored her so much he slid it in her. Wait, did did he want to or he did? He did, right? I think he did. And he killed his father.

No, no. First he killed his father. Yeah. That's, as Freud would tell you, that's the order of things. That's the sequence here. You want to kill your dad and sleep with your mom. And that's what he did. And the reason then he killed, he gouged his eyes out is because he learned that he effed his mom.

Oh. Yeah. I think you gouged your cock out after that, not your eyes. Again, I shouldn't have spoiled it. We shouldn't spoil these things like the bear and Oedipus. Yeah. I did give away the ending, though. I remember Chuck Sklar, the great Chuck Sklar,

had a joke when he did stand-up comedy. Does he do stand-up anymore? I don't think often. And he said, he goes, my therapist told me, Chuck, a lot of this stems from the fact that you really want to have sex with your mother. And he goes, I would have paid you not to tell me that.

That's good. And his other one was, he goes, the other night my mother called me up in the middle of sex. She goes, Chuck, I'm in the middle of sex. That's the joke? Yeah. That's the joke? Yeah. That's great. He goes, I just went home for the weekend.

My mom made my favorite breakfast, pancakes. All you can eat, $3.99. All righty. Those are great. Those are great. All right, let's get to, speaking of not great. Here's Blondie fucking Dagwood sitting back in a chair with a big smile plastered on his face. And she says she's heading out to work. She goes, sorry, I've been so crazy busy, outclasses him classily, and also is out-earning him because she's working on the fucking weekends. And what does she do?

She apologizes to this deadbeat for working so much. And he goes, don't worry about me, honey. Cut to the kitchen where she has left a table with sandwiches, a half a ham, fucking pizza. And he goes, I'll do my best to get by. Here's what you should do. You should fucking kill yourself, Dagwood. Cut her loose. Let her meet another man.

Even if it's Beetle Bailey. Beetle Bailey would be an upgrade from you. I do confuse the two. At least Beet least Beatles got a pension. Beatles should have found a hot wife that is not only the provider, but then look at this meal. Jesus.

She is so unsatisfied. I hate to see that. It happens. It's like when you see an old guy driving a Ferrari and you just think that car never gets driven the way it's supposed to get driven. Right. That's what I think when I see fucking Dagwood Bumstead with Blondie. Bumstead.

The guy probably pisses the seats a lot. That's some action. Yeah. And there's probably some pretty high quality tail that gets in the passenger seat. And maybe even the driver's seat if they're driving at night. Do you think it's a bad look for me to get a Mustang at this point? Yes. I, yeah, it's a bad look.

Mustangs and Chargers are the biggest douchebags on the road. Guaranteed douchebag. I think Audis are. And I'm not saying that because you have an Audi. Honestly, I would have said that whether you had an Audi or not. But we're not like aggro douchebags. You are passive aggressive aggro douchebags. No.

Because you think you have class because when you open your door, it shines the little fucking Audi logo on the ground. You know I didn't order that thing, you douche. And you don't see women driving Mustangs and Chargers. And if you do, you know what you're kind of getting. You know what you're kind of getting in that case. A girl who's got a boyfriend who's got a Mustang. A girl who can beat you in arm wrestling. Yeah. Probably from wrestling. Yeah.

Probably from Philadelphia. Yeah. All right, well, listen, as always, we want to thank our good friends at Midcoast Media for producing this show. We want to thank you guys for listening, sending in all your submissions. Again, hitting you up, leaning on you for some new logos.

We could use some new logos, send them in this week and, um, be fun, have fun with them. You don't have to be an artist, slap some shit together. We'll use it. Um, and, uh, they do not have to be good. Anything you want to promote Mike? Well, I think it comes out on Friday. So tomorrow night and for our listeners, there are now two of Nathan Fielder shows, the rehearsal on HBO. Right now, there's only one out there. And that's what I've seen. Oh, you know what else we need to promote? It's a good it's a good conversation starter. I'll put it that way. We also need to promote our good friend Wheeler Walker Jr. will be performing in Los Angeles at the Fonda Theater, which is such a cool fucking theater. That's where Norm's memorial was.

Yeah, and that's where I did that Letterman project where Letterman taped his show with the stand-ups. So July 26th, Wheeler Walker Jr. right here in L.A. Check him out. Absolutely. He's doing the West West coast. So if you're on the West coast, I don't know all the venues,

but he's scattered around. Go to his website, Wheeler Walker, Jr. Dot com. All right. All right. Well,

I guess we'll catch you guys next week. Okay. We're going to say take it. He's at this point. There it is. Sunday Papers Family Circus sucks and Dagwood is a bitch Mike is in the closet and Greg's room is green Sunday Papers