Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 128 8/21/22

Episode Date: August 21, 2022

A couple has sex on a Ferris wheel, AirBnB drops some listings because they were slave shacks in another life, Anne Frank’s Diary is now banned in some TX schools and Greg still hasn’t watched The Rehearsal.

They call it Sunday, but it's really Thursday. They call it papers, but it's a Google sheet. It's no more the news, and this song is a song. But at least we have the correction. All right. My levels apparently weren't great last week. We got a little feedback. They were too hot?

I think I was cold. I can't remember. I sent it on to John. But I'm sure he'll figure it out. He's from England. Why do we give people from England more credit for being smarter than us because they have an accent?

I think it says more about you than John. Clapping in in five, four. There it is. Three, two, one. Oh, perfect every time. Every time. Plugging in my headphones.

And I'm going to do my headphones. And read all about it. Read. Read all about it. Yeah. Coming to you live, both of us in Los Angeles for a change. Unbelievable Sunday papers. Read all about it.

I couldn't be less prepared, but get this. I'm going to try really hard. I'm on it. I haven't written a single joke, but wait till you see, because I took another Adderall today. Wait a minute. I noticed that in the script. You didn't write a single joke.

Haven't looked, I haven't done anything, but I got, because I got, all right, listen, it's very easy to say you wouldn't believe the notes that we got. These, I have a long career, and I'm kind of well-known for being exasperated at notes and fighting them pretty hard. These are the craziest notes I've ever seen. It's not even at a pilot stage.

It's like a sizzle reel pitch. And this is what happened. And I think anyone in no matter what industry you're in can relate to this. The person who greenlit it, it was a project of a former. Now there's a new guy. Yeah. The person who greenlit it, it was a project of a former. Now there's a new guy.

Yeah. Right? So he, normally a lot of projects get killed because they want to, you know, develop their own stuff and get credit for it and all that. I think he sees there's potential there. His boss had asked for it. So now this guy's putting his stink on it. Yeah. Right, right, right. Unnecessary notes. Creating work. stink on it yeah right right right unnecessary notes creating work just utter bullshit

wow well yeah that's rough notes are the worst they're completely anti-creative but um but no no some are creative actually i'll give credit hbo would say these aren't notes these are suggestions and they meant it yeah hbo is the best with notes i've written on two hbo shows and they were both almost note free almost note free just here's the keys uh do it lock up when you're done we'll let you know if you're coming back to do another season that's it well they are not noting the rehearsal man i'll tell you that oh yeah yeah well you know that uh it was kind of funny i didn't mean for it to be that funny but we were playing volleyball with galifianakis and he was talking about baskets right his clown show on fx and you know it was like first season and i was pretty i was pretty far along in it and he's like you know fx is uh is is pretty good you know true to their

form they're trying to be like hbo they're pretty good with notes and i just reflexively goes it looks like you haven't gotten a single note because it really was crazy yeah yeah i know they were not casting a wide net with that show at all no they were um it was like an alt show it was very true to zach it was like if you know and that's what you have to do. You have to give somebody like Larry David or Julie Louise Dreyfuss, like give them their voice and let them give it to, you know, give them the freedom to give you something that's different. Yep. So I am back from Maine. I was in maine last weekend in new hampshire i went to a lobster i went on a lobster fishing boat and uh ate some fresh lobster went swimming in a fucking

freezing cold river in maine sat on an adirondack chair under a tree on a big grassy lawn and looked at the fucking beautiful. Maine is so beautiful. Have you been up there? Yeah, but not for a long time. Yeah. I once, uh, this is a very main story. A friend of the friends I was visiting, I was in Christmas Cove, this beautiful little cove, I was visiting, I was in Christmas Cove, this beautiful little cove in Maine. And so he, this, this guy who was a big party and a very big personality who I didn't know, but he had bought this big boat, like two levels, the kind you would rent out for a party like we did at our graduation. I don't know what you would call that, like a banquet boat. Like it was, it could have just been docked and been in like a casino type thing. So we went out and he ran over a lobster pot and it totally tied up the prop. I was on a boat that did that once. So this stopped, we were stopped and we were essentially

moored, uh, unwittingly, uh, you know, or unintentionally to this lobster pot rope. unwittingly or unintentionally to this lobster pot rope. And so we it was Memorial Day. So it was May. It was still freezing waters. So it was decided we take a knife and dive down and take turns trying to cut the prop free. So I was in my 20s, but I used to, I don't know if you know, but I used to be able to hold my breath a long time underwater. Not like crazy long, but like well over. What do you mean you don't know if I knew that? Is that a thing? I didn't know that was a thing for you.

I don't know if you knew this about me, but I can hold my breath for a long time. Like on the rugby team, I held it like we were in Jamaica. I held it the longest, except one guy then beat me. That guy, fast forward, that guy died in a pool because he was doing it. No. Yeah, he took a challenge. He was on a construction crew, and they said that he couldn't hold his breath over two minutes under the pool, and he did, and he got an aneurysm.

No fucking way. Yeah, true story. Wow, this story's taking a lot of twists and turns. Sometimes it's not good to be number one, Mike. No, and he and I and the whole team bet, so he and I went under and we just, on a ladder in a pool in Jamaica, we were down there on a rugby trip, I held one

arm and he held the other and we stared at each other underwater and that guy beat me. I couldn't believe it. Wow. Anyway, I'm like, oh, all this bravado just like I'm sounding now, like I'm just so full of myself and so, put the knife in your teeth, jump over and go under. I'm like, oh, all this bravado, just like I'm sounding now. Like, I'm just so full of myself. And so put the knife in your teeth, jump over and go under. I'm like, I'm going to be, you know, like four guys have gone for me.

I'm like, I'm going to be the guy that cuts this thing off. Dude, you can't hold your breath for shit in freezing water. Yeah, that's right. That's right. At all. Yeah. I maybe 20 seconds. It was the most pathetic thing ever.

How did you get loose? I actually did cut it free, but it was like my second try after. And like eight of us were taking turns. So I just lucked out that I was the last straw. You know what I mean? Was it at least warm outside or was it cold outside as well? It wasn't that warm. No, no. People were with sweaters and stuff it didn't even matter the way it didn't it could have been fucking 90 degrees outside it didn't matter that water it's to the bone yeah right right i love it i love cold water makes me happy um do you do wait you should do that for your mental health do you do cold plunges? No, but I've always gone into free. I went in the Puget Sound in April in Seattle. Well, wait, you know, there's all these biohacks that you should. We had one writer on one of my shows where he he loved torturing himself with exercise and all that stuff. And he only turned on the cold water when he showered at home.

Wow. Yeah, I hear even if you just turn it on for the last 30 seconds, that's good. Yeah, it closes the pores and all that stuff. Oh, yeah. It's not enough. At that small rate, it's not enough to be anti-inflammatory. But you should, yeah, if you really like it, you know what people do is they buy one of those. They buy a used big freezer, you know, the ones that they have in garages, you know, all like steaks.

And it's, you know, basically it's a coffin. They take off the top and they fill it with water. They put it, you know, and they fill it with water at above a freezing temperature, whatever, 40. And then it's sitting there for you. Crazy. I see Rogan do it sometimes. He stays in there for like two minutes, which I think you can have a heart attack if you do that. You're only supposed to stay in for like 30 seconds.

You're supposed to get guidance. Yeah, I thought minute was the mark. But, dude, if you're one of those people, because it hurts me. It hurts people. Yeah, it hurts. I like it, though, because, I mean, I'm a cutter, so it's better than that.

Wow. But these guys up in Maine, and actually the river I went in was not that cold. It was because it's not the ocean. It warms up a little bit. But no, I went out on the dock. I didn't go on the lobster boat, but I went out on the dock where my friend, you know Kevin, right? Do you know Kevin Flanagan?

We talked about his lobsters. He did not send me any free ones. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Remember that? Okay. Well, happy birthday to your daughter. Wait, where did your story go?

Weren't you out on the deck? I was out on the deck. I felt like such a pussy because the men were so manly. They're taking giant, like the fishermen go out at 5 o'clock in the morning, and they fish until 3 in the afternoon, and they fucking haul in their nets, and then they put the rubber bands on the claws, and they stick them in these crates,

and then they come in, bands on the claws and they stick them in these crates and then they come in and then the man and then the other manly men take the crates off and they move them into like they have like a pool inside a warehouse where kevin puts all the crates of lobster so they're still alive and then uh and then they ship them all over the place. But it's just like, these guys do this shit in February. They're out on the water in Maine in February pulling up wet fucking crates of lobster. It's crazy. And I'm like, I can't write an outline for my funny idea. I got notes. Somebody wanted me to change my brilliant writing.

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. But we had a couple nice meals and a really good time. That's great, man. Yeah. And now we have house guests. We have Aaron's nephew is here with his girlfriend who I fucking love, Alice. Which nephew?

This is the South African nepan nephews so this is this is rowan's brother liam ah right and uh he's uh he's just got the greatest girlfriend i'm just totally in love with her i want her to live here oh boy not like that no nothing romantic or physical just like her soul why is there a nanny cam in their guest room? And then we got my mom coming out for her 80th next week with my sister. You sure do. All right, what date does she arrive? Comes in on the 23rd, leaves on the 29th. We're thinking about a party on Friday night, perhaps.

Not a big one. Maybe get 20 or 30 people. I guess call Laura and see about getting that Mexican food couple. They love them. They're great. They love that couple. Yeah, they were really good. Yeah.

Very cool. And happy birthday to Olivia. Yep, my youngest turned 17. She's a trip for sure. And yeah, we had dinner the other night. But yeah, all good. She's doing well. How's her fake ID? School's starting, although she's in private school, which I hate, but all of LA is on there. Well, they just finished. If this airs Sunday, they just finished their first week of school. I mean, they started on the 15th. No. Are you serious?

L-A-U-S-D. And a lot of places are, yeah. Damn. Before, wait, before August 15th. Listen, I love that they've gone, you know, all parents love when they go back. But to start on August 15th is crazy. Yeah. That robs you of really like two of the best weeks of the summer. Oh, yeah. Like in Maine, I wonder when they start because Maine's water, that Gulf stream, comes in now.

It's like the most swimmable, the only swimmable time on their beaches. Can we disclose some of the alumni of her school oh uh yeah yeah go ahead yeah it's sean sean aston jack black uh zoe dashanel Wow. Maya Rudolph. Maya Rudolph. The Osbournes. Jonah Hill. Kate Hudson. Brody Jenner. All your friend Judd Apatow's kids.

Yep. Dustin Hoffman's kids. Julia Louis-Dreyfus' kids. Liv Tyler. Everyone's kids. It's ridiculous. The Quaid kids. Paltrow's. I don't ridiculous. The Quaid kids.

Paltrow's. I don't know what their last name is. Amy Pascal, Jake Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, Gwyneth went there as well as a kid. Yeah. I mean, it's fucking crazy. It's so stupid. Oh, here's a good story. So Ben Hoffman had a show.

I forget what little channel it was on. It was before I hired him on Norm MacDonald's show. I didn't know Ben at the time. Current. Current TV. Remember that channel? So he had a funny comedy thing he was doing. Someone talked him into going to give a talk to a young class about television,

especially since it was such a small show. He was very hands-on, and he did it all. It was almost like a YouTube channel. since it was such a small show, he was very hands-on and he did it all. So it was almost like a YouTube channel. So anyway, he went back and he goes, it could not have been a less interested class. Like every kid in there had Emmys in their living room. Yeah. Like, like talk about knowing the room. Like why did they even have him? He was on a basic cable. They didn't want to hear a single thing he said.

Yeah. Yeah. He was on a basic cable. They didn't want to hear a single thing he said. Yeah. Yeah. I want to give a shout out to our logo designer this week, Trevor Minnick. Very cool. Yeah, Trevor, thank you. Tim Dilley did the song.

Thank you, Tim. I keep saying we're going to announce our final song, but I got this folder with some of these songs that we never put out, and some of them are really quirky and weird, and I feel like they deserve their day. People put the effort into it. I want to get them out. Corrections. Oh boy. We were flawless. None. Just three. Oh. Rich McCabe said, if you look close close at the blondie cartoon you posted this week there was a cartoon where they went underwater with snorkels sure did and uh dagwood had a thought bubble that said wow even underwater she's still a hottie and uh the thought bubble he says about being a hottie leads to both dagwood andie, which means she really thinks that piece of uncooked spaghetti is a hottie.

I mean, it's really like she has on goggles. She has on something that's making her see a different man than the rest of us are seeing. Must be infuriating to you. And they actually beefed him up in the cartoon. He's a wiry, skinny, like this guy said, he's an uncooked spaghetti, and he actually was a little bit him up in the cartoon. He's a wiry skinny, like this guy said, he's an uncooked spaghetti. And he actually was a little bit filled out in the cartoon. So I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Huh. I don't like it. I don't like it. Your Zoom's a little delayed. I'm wondering. You know, I just got, I told you, I just got high speed internet. And I just ordered, I got the DSL, not the DSL, what's the line? Ethernet cable adapter for a MacBook Pro.

So that's at my house now. So next week I'll be connected by Ethernet. Got it. You mean you're going to be hardwired. Hardwired. All right, good, good. Okay. Oh, by the way, we got a very nice email from Carol Leifer. You know Carol Leifer?

Of course I know Carol Leifer. She loves the show. She was quoting jokes from it. She said since Stern is on vacation, she started listening to us instead. And yeah, it was very nice. Wow. I worked with her, I think, on emmys with jane lynch or whatever and she was she won't remember me but she was great she was uh what uh elaine's character

was based on in seinfeld yep she was she was jerry's best friend yeah she's really funny very funny uh lucia ribeiro uh said an An alligator that does survive will continue to grow in length until it reaches a length of 1.83 meters. Thanks, Lucia. We're in America. That takes between 10 and 20 years. Eventually, it stops growing. I also read online that J.K. Rowling is only the 196th richest person in the U.K. Her net worth is 820 million pounds.

Did we talk about J.K. Rowling? Yeah. Well, we talked about who are the richest people in England, and I threw out J.K. Rowling as possibly one of them. But 196? There's probably like earls and dukes you've never heard of that just own massive real estate or something. Also, if you think about JK, in man pounds, that's a lot of money.

Like if she was earning like a man. You think she would have gotten a better deal as a male author? All women do. I'm just trying to be a part of the, part of the solution, Greg. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Donovan S says she hits an invisible ceiling that exists at Hogwarts. Um, bang. Uh, I was up. I was there for the entire show along with six others. Saw every major act in the lineup.

Oh, he's talking about Woodstock 99. Yes, it was wild at times. The crowd energy for Rage and Metallica was a little higher than Jewel. But the documentary on HBO and Netflix was ridiculous. A bunch of exaggerated narration and weird camera angles. It wasn't anything like that. More people died at Woodstock 69 and only 44 arrested out of 400,000. Really not a big deal.

The fires weren't a big deal either. Just a bunch of trash piles. People threw candles in. We walked right past them. That's good to hear. Yeah, it felt like they were trying to do another. What was the one down in Miami? Fire Festival.

It felt like they were trying to make it another documentary like the Fire Festival. Yeah, the fire was at an island down in the Caribbean, I believe. Yeah, that was such a great documentary. That was amazing. The good thing about that documentary, it was also a documentary on a startup. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, how do you pull this off?

Which they did not. It was very much about that inner circle of influencers and the people that can write a tweet that will get people to pay that much money to go to a festival knowing nothing about it yeah we should have a festival maybe sunday paper should have a festival boy would that draw all the influencers yeah it is weird that they did have a podcast festival going in la but i., but I think they stopped doing it. I went one year with you. Yeah, we did it. Carmichael was our guest. Gerard Carmichael, yeah. And then somebody else swung by also while we were up.

Nick Swartzen came by. Oh, you're right. And sat in for a while. Also, what's his name? Mark Maron? Yes, Mark Maron. Yeah, Mark Maron as well. Yeah.

But I don't know that they're still doing it. Either they stop doing it or they stop calling me because I haven't heard about it. I think there's just too many podcasts. That might be the problem. But it seems like a no-brainer, though, to be able to do a podcast festival. I mean, so many of them are based in L.A. Yeah. What's the draw?

People love seeing the podcast that they listen to live oh you're thinking about it from that standpoint yeah I guess so speaking of live I'm coming to Lowell Arkansas Mike September 16 and 17 at the Grove what a segue yeah New Orleans maybe we'll do a live Sunday Papers

from New Orleans October 6th at the Howlin' a segue, yeah. New Orleans, maybe we'll do a live Sunday Papers from New Orleans October 6th at the Howlin' Wolf. Lafayette, Louisiana October 7th. Chicago, October 15th at the Den Theater. San Francisco, Dallas, and Tampa

all coming up as well. So go to FitzDawg.com get yourself some tickets. Are you forgetting about hyenas in Texas? Hyenas in Texas, yeah. It's actually not Plano. It's Dallas.

I had the wrong location down. And is TX the right abbreviation for Texas? It is, in fact. All right. But you think it was. No, I'm just double-checking because you're terrible at those. Yeah. You know what I'm also terrible at is investing.

I pick the wrong stocks. Or it sits in the bank and it seems like... Well, the thing is you're dealing with inflation these days. You say to yourself, how do I make money with inflation? You got to think that way.

And one of the great ways to do it is with art. How do I keep 9% of my savings from disappearing every year? Because that's what inflation does. So what you do is people are looking at things like art. A groundbreaking Ernst and Young study last year revealed that 8 in ten ultra high net worth individuals invest in alternatives and i'm here with them because a couple months ago i invested in uh the multi in like multi-million dollar art with masterworks um it is uh uh it is stuff that you could not afford on your own you can't't just buy a Picasso or a Van Gogh, but that's the stuff that are the blue chip stocks.

You want to be a part of those. That's what I got. And not only was it an easy experience. I just want to buy one eye. One eye. Picasso, the woman has two eyes on the side of her face. I just want one of them. That's true.

You know, a piece. Give me a piece. I would imagine going to Picasso on mushrooms would be amazing oh i think so i mean even just cubism just how he made that leap is pretty crazy yeah yeah and then cubism i remember when i was an english major, I took a class on Cubist literature. And William Faulkner wrote As I Lay Dying, which was one story from a Cubist perspective. So each chapter was telling the same story from a different narrator. Well, there's very—I should know more about it. But Dylan did the same thing with this professor, whose, I should know more about it, but Dylan did the same thing with this professor

whose name I should know, but it was very much, uh, playing with time at around the time he did blood on the tracks. And so it was the same kind of approach of deconstructing it and looking at it from different angles. And then famously he would sometimes change tenses, like even entangled up in blue. Like he was laying there, then it changes to I. And so anyway, it's a very, you know, I think you have to have a big brain to harness that. Yes. But you don't need a big brain to get involved in some art.

I feel more justified every day as inflation keeps heating up because the last time inflation was this high, fine art had an average yearly appreciation of 33%. That's according to Masterworks All Art Index. That's insane and even better than gold, which is the traditional example of an inflation hedge. And even when inflation isn't running rampant, art performs. And even when inflation isn't running rampant, art performs. Contemporary art, the kind Masterworks offers, has outpaced the S&P 500 by more than double for the past 25 years, while showing a very low correlation to the stock market. So to recap, inflation is robbing us all blind, but investing in art can actually keep you ahead of it.

That's a big part of the reason I invested in Masterworks. Because of inflation-making headlines, Masterworks has been seeing crazy demand, and there is a wait list. But you can skip it by going to masterworks.com, masterworks.art.com, for priority access to skip the wait list. Join their 500,000 members. That's masterworks.art slash papers to skip the wait list and invest alongside us. See important regulations and disclosures

at masterworks.com slash cd. One last time, masterworks.art slash papers. Okay. You got some paper to crinkle? God damn it.

I was going to do that. Hold on. Let me, you know what? Just stay right there. Stay right... God damn... Never mind. Go on without me.

Hold on. I got a piece of paper here. Oh, wait. Oh. This is from a shoebox. Nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! This is from a shoebox. Nice. Yeah. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! Here you go. Can't wait. A Washington man is... Do we want... No, I don't want this story. Let's go to the Ferris wheel. All right.

Let me go to the bottom of your judge story, which we're getting rid of. Oh, yeah, that one. Ferris wheel all right let me go to the bottom of your judge story which we're getting rid of oh yeah that one ferris wheel couple arrested investigators allege that david davis and heather johnson both 32 were observed having sexual intercourse sunday while riding the wonder wheel at the cedar point park in sandusky, Ohio. Their names are out there. For the rest of their fucking lives, they are the people that fucked on a Ferris wheel. You can't escape that. Yeah, David and Heather.

Four female witnesses who were riding in the cabin above Davis and Johnston recounted seeing the duo having sex. The witnesses, here's where it gets tricky, two of them juveniles and the other a pair of 18-year-olds all stated they saw the woman's bare butt and the man's penis, the cops reported. In addition to observing Davis and Johnston undressed, the witnesses said, quote, they could see the cart shaking. They could feel the cart shaking and they could feel the cart shaking and see both the male and the female moving back and forth.

One of the minors said, quote, she that she saw the woman on her hands and knees and saw the man behind her. OK, so they're not married. not married. Dennis and Johnson did admit that they were engaged in sexual intercourse on the amusement ride, but said they did not know that two of the witnesses were juveniles. So they were fine. They knew they had an audience, but two of them were under 18. That's what they didn't know. So they were arrested for public indecency and booked into the Erie County Jail.

Since the two witnesses are minors, the charge was enhanced to a misdemeanor of the first degree. Well, first of all, what are the minors doing on the fuck wheel? You've got to know what's happening on it when you see the name of the ride. You're on a Ferris wheel in Sandusky, Ohio. You're fucking. You're fucking. I mean, come on. What else are you doing Sandusky?

You know, you're fucking on the teacup swirl. You're fucking on the roller coaster. Also, I'm going back here. One of the miners, they said they could feel the cart shaking and see the woman on her hands and knees and then i mean how long was her statement and then i saw him reach under and grab near her chest and really drive and then she got onto like and you're making it was probably one of the minors. The cop's like, then what happened? Yeah, right, right.

Well, one thing I will tell you firsthand is do not have sex in the house of mirrors because objects appear smaller in the mirror than they are in real life. Whoa, and then you're throwing up on your mate? Yup, yup. Well, it sounds like a good amusement park. I like it. I'm heading there for the fair next year. So now, how was it enhanced to a misdemeanor? Because from what I hear, these horror stories of a guy who doesn't know there's a school up the street,

and it's the middle of the night, and he pees, right? Like public urination, gets arrested. They do the math that he was within 50 yards of the school or whatever it was. Even though it was closed. And he all of a sudden is on the predator list. Yeah. So what's this? If he's fucking a girl from behind, he doesn't get on the predator's list?

But if he's peeing, he does? I think they're going to both have to be knocking on doors whenever they move from now on, which has got to be the worst way to move in. Honey, should we put the couch against the wall? I've got to take a walk.

I'll be back in a little bit. I don't know. Honey, should we put the couch against the wall? Hold on. I got to go to the neighbors and tell them about that time we fucked in that Ferris wheel. I think that's kind of a cool icebreaker. Yeah, right.

I don't think it's that bad. Okay, here, another couple. Up to no good. A woman who shared a kiss with a prisoner during a visitation in Tennessee has been charged with murder after the inmate died shortly after their exchange. The kiss of death. Rachel Dollard was taken into custody over the weekend and is facing charges of second degree murder. The charges come after the death of Joshua Brown, who was serving an 11-year sentence on drug-related charges. During a visitation in February, authorities alleged that Dollard passed drugs to Brown as the two exchanged a kiss during a visitation at the Turney Center Industrial Complex.

Dollard was allegedly hiding half an ounce of meth in her mouth and was able to pass it to Brown orally. Wow. So he swallowed the balloon and the balloon pellet, they say, containing the drug, but later died of an overdose at a local hospital. Here's the thing. Okay. What they're set and setting. Isn't that what Michael Pollan said when he talked about taking hallucinogens? Set and setting. Is a 10 by 12 cell the right place for methamphetamines? Or do you want Quaaludes and Percocets?

Yeah. It should have been a goodnight kiss. I mean, what the fuck are you doing in a jail cell on methamphetamine? You're bouncing off the wall. You're going to do pushups. You're going to yell shit. All I know is it would be my most delicate kiss ever. There would be no passion in it.

Right. I mean, you are passing poison from one person to the other. I would have her just, I would have her take it from her mouth and put it right in my asshole. Cut out, cut out the middleman. That's a weird conjugal visit with the guards watching. Does he just put his butt hole up to the hole in the glass? Yes.

It's a very progressive prison. It's in Tennessee. And then what are you going to do? You're going to shit out the meth and then smoke it? No one's buying that. He's going to sell it, man. Are you kidding me? He's a dealer in there.

Johnny, this is some shitty meth. Tastes funny. Imagine the guy does see that, the buttholes up against the hole in the fiberglass, and then the other side there's a mouth rest. What are you guys doing? He would just be like, what do you think we're doing? She's licking my ass. I'd be like, okay.

Yeah, I kind of did know what you were doing. I didn't imagine her mouth was pushing a pellet of meth into your butthole. was pushing a pellet of meth into your butthole. How is meth different than what we take for our ADHD? Don't we take methylphenidate? How different is that from the meth that people are buying on the street? Probably not much different. It's all speed, man.

We're taking speed. I'm on it right now. Yeah. And I use my tongue to put in my butthole. And no one questioned it. Whole family was here. No one questioned it. They're just like, that's dad being dad.

Yeah. He's got a podcast. He's unprepared for a podcast. He's got to get the juices flowing. He's going to tongue some meth in his butt. That's how he gets ready for it. Where's the podcast fast? I could share all these prep, these rituals I go through. Yeah, you could do a teacher class.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to teach a podcast class. All right, here we go. Lower Manhattan's 9-11 Tribute Museum will shut its doors Wednesday afternoon, just weeks shy of the 21st anniversary of the terror attacks. The Greenwich Street Museum, which opened in 2006 nearby on Liberty Street, has struggled to stay afloat since 2020 onset of COVID-19. Spokesman said, quote, two- thirds of our income revenue annually comes from our earned income from admissions.

We had been averaging 300,000 visitors a day. That's a lot. That's a lot. Yeah. Only, listen, only 5,000 died. Let's put this in perspective. And last year we had a total of 26,000 visitors. So it completely annihilated our earned income.

I might've used a different word. Maybe we wouldn't have said annihilated. Maybe we said hurt, maybe hurt, not annihilated. It completely attacked and incinerated our income. Our income fell like a body from the 111th floor. And it didn't seem like it should fall naturally like that. It seemed like there was help having our income fall. I mean, our visitors, I mean, the numbers plummeted. And while they plummeted, they kind of foolishly held out the jacket as if it would catch the wind and break. Oh, that's dark. They didn't, though.

Wow. Sorry, I meth up my ass. I'm going to be a little aggressive here. By the way, two-thirds of their income comes from ticket sales. What's the other third? T-shirt sales? They got a nice gift shop? March.

9-11. Not just the day Donny Osmond hit number one with Go Away, Little Girl. 9-11. 9-11. don't forget to tip your tour guide. Well, now they sell T-shirts. It's Never Forget with the Never crossed out. That big line through it. It's just 9-11, forget. Yeah, right, right.

The museum is closing. My second cousin's neighbor died on 9-11, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. Their promotions weren't great. Listen, we've lowered security. Anyone? Arabs, welcome. Come on in. Right.

Everybody. Yeah, they do tie-ins with that new Saudi Golf League. That's where the after party is after the tournament. Perfect. Alright. Always forget. Okay, here's one. I've changed the titles. I don't know if you noticed that so they don't give away what's going on. Very nice.

Learning and growing. This was kind of like my New York Post, but since we're a podcast and people aren't seeing the headline I wrote, it's called Woke Up in an Airbnb. W-O-K-E. The Airbnb listing was simple. A charming Mississippi cottage with old-fashioned decor and access to Wi-Fi and streaming platforms.

Wow. Listings in Louisiana and Georgia had similar descriptions, portraying them as charming, rustic homes, perfect for a cozy weekend getaway. Nice. The now-removed listings had one major thing in common, though, Greg. They were once slave quarters. Uh-oh. Airbnb, still charming.

Airbnb has since apologized and removed the Mississippi listing, and any others, quote, known to include former slave quarters in the United States. Wow. Yep. I think you'd feel kind of guilty sleeping on cotton sheets in a place like that. You know, just, you know what? Let's bring up polyester.

Yeah. I don't. Yeah. Even silk. Just anything but cotton,'t. Yeah. Even silk. Just anything but cotton, please. Yeah. Well, I mean, and you look at your bill, you're like, why are we paying a cleaning fee? They're not they're not paying the help. What? Who's the cleaning fee going to? My understanding is I could sleep with the owner. Isn't didn't that happen a lot to people that slept in here?

But the owner isn't. Didn't that happen a lot to people that slept in here? Where's that perk? The redneck owner was like, you know what? You're better off here. All right. We're fucking edgy today. On to the Anne Frank story. OK, here you go. I didn't you go. I didn't know. A school district in Dallas has removed a host of books from its school libraries, including an illustrated version of Anne Frank's diary. The graphic novel depicting Anne Frank's diary was adapted from the unabridged version of the journal that contains mentions of teenage sexuality and homosexuality. What kind of sexuality is Anne Frank getting into?

I'm assuming it's a lot of masturbation talk. She's in an attic. It would be so hard to masturbate when you heard what was going on outside. Yeah. We'd do it, though. Yeah. Talk about focus. If you don't, the Nazis win.

That's how I would feel about it. Right. Yeah. I happen to know about this, though, because we did a story. Something was going on with the Anne Frank house, but she had a boyfriend. She did? Yes. During it. Also, by the way, it was a multi-level, I don't, listen, it's not a strong move, criticizing Anne Frank, but it was a roomy place. People think it was an attic. People think it was an attic. It was pretty desirable.

It was a penthouse. Multiple floors. And food always delivered. Always delivered. I pictured her on all fours in an A-frame sweating her ass off with mice. And then I think she talked about maybe, was it maybe being attracted to one of the girls also

that would like come by? Something like that. There is something like, I'm not claiming to know. Well, when you only have access to seven people in two years, you're going to start being attracted to everybody. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

There's probably a survival instinct as well. Jeez. She also, you remember, she wrote about also, I think, hating her mom. And that might have been edited early on. There's something about that also yeah well listen it's her diary for christ's sake that should be in there you ever kept a diary i did uh well i wouldn't call it a diary i guess journal i'm sorry you're a man it's a journal yeah otherwise it's very right i'm not writing about vagina. So it was a journal and I was so well, you know, my dumb old joke was I never kept a journal because I was terrified. I would like pour my soul out and write all these deep, dark secrets and I would leave it out and I would accidentally find it and open it because I was very good at repressing and keeping from me my emotions.

But this is what I would literally do. I was terrified of that. So I would get those, what were they called? Construction notebooks? Why were they called construction? Yeah. I know what you're talking about. They had like the marble pattern on the front.

Do I have that wrong? Were they called construction? You know what I'm talking about. Yes. Black marble-like print. And they weren't like a spiral bound. They were all fixed pages in there. You had to tear it out if you wanted to tear it out. Anyway,

You mean something like this? Oh my god, composition. What a moron. Why did I have construction paper I had in my head? Yes, that's what you're thinking. Composition notebook, of course, although I didn't really compose anything worthwhile. But I would I would take one and I would use it for composing for the first week or so. I would write down ideas, all this stuff up front. Right.

Get about four or five pages deep. Then I would take my composition notebook. I would start five pages in from the back and that's where I would start my journal and I would write backwards. Like not right backwards. I would then go each page progressed from the back to the front. Right. So if anyone did pick it up, they wouldn't find my journal. So if anyone did pick it up, they wouldn't find my journal. I kept journals when I traveled. When I was 18, I traveled across Europe for like six months by myself, backpack. And I'm in Denmark.

And I'm staying with this guy for like a month. And there was a girl in town who was a model. And she was a Danish model. She was fucking gorgeous. And I had dark hair and you're not going to believe this, but when you're in Denmark and you have dark hair, you're kind of like a delicacy. So I. Boy, what a bait and switch you would have pulled on her if she married you. You know, you just got to get her in the door. That's it.

The hair gets her in the door. You just got to get her in the door. That's it. The hair gets her in the door. And so I end up, and I think the novelty of me being, because this was not in a city. I was in a medium-sized town in central Denmark. And so they didn't know a lot of Americans, and they all spoke English. So anyway, long story short, i had sex with her and and then i wrote in my and then she was kind of

like you know i don't think i don't think she was blown away and so i wrote in my it was just not great it was okay sex and uh and i wrote in my diary in my journal um had sex with uh with a great dane the great dane last night tail got in the way a little bit and uh i wrote had sex with i can't remember her name oh uh charlotte charlotte they called her latte but her name is her name yep latte and i wrote had sex with her uh she was not she's beautiful but she was not great in bed and so she then was over at henning's house the guy i was staying with and she found my journal and she read it and she read that entry and that night and i didn't know she read it but all of a sudden that night she was super aggressive with me and we went into henning's room and she fucked the shit out of me no and then afterwards she goes now am i good in bed i go what are you talking about she's like i read your journal i was like well i'm glad i left it out

wow you see mine would have been hidden in the back. She would have read some dumb creative ideas and hated me even more. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What was in the next journal entry? Still not in about three. A little better. Showing improvement. Warmer. Yeah. Need more data. Need more data.

Yeah. Warmer. It's weird these danish girls are afraid of ass sex sorry oh that's what you would write got it right right right sorry yeah that's a good one um all right we got no good news for gubbins let's get down to entertainment okay down to entertainment. Okay. What are you going to tell me this week? I am so sorry. Jesus Christ. We got house guests and I've been out doing stand up

and it just, it hasn't come together. I did start, so I haven't watched the rehearsal and we're actually getting hate mail from people saying, stop teasing things you're going to watch and then not fucking watching them. So I did watch the first two episodes of Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey, the Mormon documentary. Did you see that one?

I started it. I know. But then this is what I want to do. So Mormons, there's a lot of Mormon material out there now. And there was the under what was it under Rainbow Scott? What is the ribbon? What is the documentary? About Mormons? Yeah. Under the banner of whatever it is. So I'm sorry to the listeners, I'm not remembering it. But this is what I learned. I started watching that documentary and then I learned that. Hold on. Let me look it up. So you go on about your thing. Under the banner of heaven. Right. And it's it's a Krakauer who I love. John Krakauer. John Krakauer wrote it.

And when I found that out, I immediately stopped watching it. And I want to read it because I just love his writing. Into the Wild. Of course, Into Thin Air was amazing. But Into the Wild, he really gives thoughtful explanations. And he sometimes tries, he very often tries to get at what is making this person tick. And these are real incidents. So it's fascinating to me. Yeah. He got very into the childhood of that guy who disappeared in Alaska. But also he got into, there is a drive

that exists to find the frontier and to push the frontier. It's always typically been in men. And so often it's incredibly misguided. They don't even like double check and ask themselves why they're doing this drive. And very often they die. Including crack hour. No,

it's like when I went into the, I came very close to dying. It's like when I went into the brambles in Boston to blow a guy that night. Yeah. That would be into the mild, maybe. That would be... I don't know. There's a better

name for that. I think that would be into the will. A guy named Will. Into the thin hair? I was keeping a journal in college at that point. And the night I did that at four in the morning, I wrote in my journal, I wrote, something happened tonight. Not gay. Something happened tonight. It will never happen again. End of entry. That was it for that night. You couldn't even use specific terms with yourself didn't want to put it in writing in case it ever got found i didn't know later i'd have a podcast and talk

about it openly that's the right with with 600 people listening so that's the thing is i like i kind of convinced myself no one would find when I did that dumb, crazy procedure, like writing in the back of the composition notebook, because that's the only way I could have been halfway honest. They say one of the great things to do is to keep a journal and you write it and then you burn it. Really? You burn the pages after writing your daily journal, and then you will really write. Is there a way to write in a document on your computer and lock it so nobody can see it except for you? Yeah, I think you can lock notes, and I'm sure they have programs for exactly that. And then there's permissions.

So, yeah, there's tons of— If anybody knows about that, write us and let me know because I want to start keeping another journal. Of course, there's tons of. If anybody knows about that, write us and let me know, because I want to start keeping another journal. Of course, there's locked stuff. I get scripts all the time and I can't I can't even access them because they're locked and they need a password. Oh, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave my diary in the attic and I'm only going to write in it up in the attic, just like Anne Frank. Well, you should have a multi-level beautiful apartment where you're having sex and relationships. That's what she had.

And being a bestselling author. With Uber Eats, cut three a day being delivered. All right. No rent. Rent free. But that keep sweet, pray obey is pretty intense. I mean, the whole idea of these cults where the leader gets to fuck every, why is it that that's always the rule? No matter what the belief system, you gotta fuck the leader. Everybody does.

This guy had 65 wives, and he was 80 years old when he married a 14-year-old and started having sex with her. Oh, God. That's gross. Relationship goals. And then did we talk about We Crashed? Yes, we did.

Okay. Hold on. The old man? I got to see that. Oh, you haven't started that either. Did you watch that? I watched, uh, two or three. Okay. I think people are trying to talk me back into watching the bear. Get in it, get in it. Jesus Christ. If I go back to it and I still don't like it, I'm going to be, everyone says it gets better.

It does get better. It gets better and better, for sure. The other thing to watch is Better Call Saul. There's a whole new season out. It just ended. Yeah, I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, no, I have to catch up. I mean, I love, you know, I love that whole world. And so, and I know it's catching up to where Breaking Bad started.

And so I think I'm halfway through the second to last season. Is that season four maybe? I forget, but I got to do it. Here's a news item in the entertainment section. Oh. Rachel Bilson didn't hold back. She was from the OC. I don't I don't know. Yeah, yeah, no, I know. Brunette. She didn't hold back about her relationship with Bill Hader,

revealing the part of his anatomy she had a hard time leaving behind his mouth with all those impressions. She was asked when you and Bill broke up, what did you miss the most? And she said his big dick. After breaking into laughter, she added, we can keep that. Okay. Well, I mean, that's when, if you're Bill Hader, that's when you hire a publicist and you say, we need to get this story out there. If he has a big dick.

Well, it doesn't matter if he does. Rachel Bilson said he did. So publicize that. Okay, so did you see... God, I should be able to recall names. He just broke up with Kardashian. Pete Davidson? Pete Davidson's half hour.

He's got a half hour special? Yeah, he had a stand-up special. Okay. No, I didn't see it. So anyway, when he broke up, you know, this happened to him. What? He broke up, and in Vogue magazine, Ariana Grande said he was well, and she's like, yeah, I don't know what i was thinking it

was a rebound relationship this but at least he had a good dick something something i'm paraphrasing yeah and he's like and he started it saying you know i was of course never going to talk about this but she just talked about it on in vogue like not even like overheard not even like some scoop that she has to be deleted. She's like putting that out there. So he talked about it and he goes, he goes, I've already told you how smart she is. He's like, first of all, she's tiny and she has tiny hands. So of course I seem big. Then he goes, but this is how smart she is for the rest of my life. I will be disappointing women.

Right. She has set that up now. Yeah. That everyone who gets in bed with me will know this and they will be expecting, you know, a showstopper. And it isn't that. And he just openly says that's not the case. So what's his next half hour special? He's going to talk about Kim Kardashian and then what?

He's going to date another famous person and that'll be his next half hour special? I hope so. I mean, Noah, do you like it? Well, what he would be doing is stealing Taylor Swift's playbook. I can't wait to read her next breakup song, you know, hear her next breakup song. That's true. But here was where

I really respected, so in the special, Pete Davidson then goes and keep this in mind with this Blilson, Bilson and what she said about what you might call a hater. Davidson goes, can you imagine if it was the opposite, if it was me giving an interview? How was your relationship with Ariana Grande? You know, I don't know what I was thinking. It was kind of a rebound, but at least she had a good pussy. Right. Canceled immediately. Never works again ever. Yeah. And yet charming and it's in vogue when she says it.

yet charming, and it's in vogue when she says it. It's unfair. Men are getting a very unfair shake in this world for thousands of years. It's been very hard on us. So I want to hear him talk about Bilson's pussy. Yeah. Just like you did that great day. Are we moving on to Florida?

Let's do it. Did I lose the end? Both of us. Look at that. Make America Florida. Here we go. A Florida woman was arrested for making, wait for it, 12,512 phone calls to police precincts this year. Carla Jefferson, 51, quote, harasses, belittles, swears at and argues with whoever picks up the incessant calls to the non-emergency lines at the St.

Petersburg Police Department and Sheriff's Office. First of all, can you imagine how many-emergency lines at the St. Petersburg Police Department and Sheriff's Office. First of all, can you imagine how many calls they're already getting at St. Pete, Florida? Jefferson's calls account for 10% of the incoming phone traffic to the St. Petersburg Department this year. Officials report Jefferson's ringtone rampage has been holding up the lines for legitimate callers. Last month, Jefferson called the precinct 512 times in a 24 hour period. The calls were described in the affidavit as, quote, vulgar, threatening or obscene.

threatening or obscene. It's so funny. I just love that in an article about police calls in Florida, they say it was holding up the lines for legitimate callers. We have been chronicling legitimate calls to Florida police for the last year and a half on this show. All right. Someone here, I haven't done the math, so all the listeners can do the math with me. 512 calls in a 24-hour span. Let's just say she slept four hours. That leaves 20 hours for 500 calls. Someone could probably do them. What is that?

Well, 10 hours would be 51 calls an hour. So basically a call every minute. One a minute. And by the way, the yearly number comes out to 33 calls a day. Look, if I'm the cops, I'd change my number. Listen, me again. Jerry. I mean, do they just pick up the phone like, what, Carla?

Yeah. I mean, odds are. Yeah. And then one day, her house gets burglarized, and she's the boy who cried wolf. You know, they don't come. 20 calls an hour, I think, is what we did the math on there. I think. Jesus Christ.

It's crazy. Yeah. 25. 25 calls an hour. And that's if she only slept four hours. That's unbelievable. Well, considering she was on meth, I don't think she slept more than four hours a day. We don't allegedly. We don't allegedly.

We don't know. Technically, she hasn't broken a law if she means what she's saying, right? Dude, I farted like 15 minutes ago, and it's still hanging in the air. It's gorgeous. Carla would call about that. Yep. Imagine the thing she's calling about. Got a gas leak. Yeah. It's gorgeous. Carla would call about that. Yep. Imagine the things she's calling about. What a Karen.

Let's change Karen to Carla now. Alright. Oh, in a related story, this is not Florida, but it's related. I forgot I put this in here. Man allegedly calls 911 over cold McDonald's fries.

Fair enough. Was his name Carla? Police claim that 24-year-old Antoine Sims had called law enforcement after allegedly being served cold fries at a McDonald's. Sims further claimed a restaurant worker refused to replace his food following the cold fries allegation. food following the cold fries allegation. At some point, responding officers were made privy to the fact that Sims was out on bond at the time and had an active warrant for his arrest in connection with a 2018 incident in which a woman's body was found burning in a car. Wow.

Keeping the fly theme. Yeah. His failure to appear for the warrant and subsequent informing of Sims by officers. Oh, sorry. His failure to appear warrant and his subsequent informing of Sims by officers, when they told him he was gone,

inspired a brief foot chase, after which cops used a taser on Sims before ultimately arresting him. So this guy is wanted, and he's calling the police. Yep. At least Carla didn't do that. Well, I hope when they tased him, he had the sense to hold the fries up, get them heated up finally.

This guy's really into burning things. Allegedly. Yes. Right. Hey, can you heat up these fries the way I heated up that woman in my car eight years ago? Don't tell anybody, by the way. I mean, imagine the police when they finally put it together with this guy. Listen, Antoine, we're going to get to the fries in a second. Something else has come to our attention. Yeah, what's that? Because these fucking fries are not getting warmer. Put the fries down.

I mean, what the hell? Yeah. Now, we notice you're on foot. Is there something wrong with your vehicle? Is there anything ringing a bell about your car? We noticed you didn't go through the drive-thru today. Tell us a little more about that. And now one more Florida story that I had to include. I haven't seen this one. All right.

A pregnant and parentless 16-year-old in Florida, well, that narrows it down, may be forced to give birth after an appeals court ruled that she was, quote, not sufficiently mature to decide whether to terminate her pregnancy. Huh. The teenager was appealing a decision by Judge Fruder-Rishers that blocked her. What a name. F-R-Y-D-R-Y, Fry Dry Choitz.

Fry Dry Choitz. C-H-O-W-I-C-Z. Jesus, what a Scrabble score. That blocked her from having an abortion without the consent of a parent or guardian as required by Florida law. At the time, she was 10 weeks pregnant. In Florida, usually the parent or guardian is the one that got you pregnant in the first

place. And now you need their permission? Yeah. Listen, you're too immature. So we want you to be a single mother. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know what's immature? Having a baby at 16.

That's what's immature. You are so immature. I don't know. She could be like, you mean precocious? I think I am ahead of things here. I mean, six, you've got to be a certain age. It's not a pack of cigarettes or a case of beer. It's an abortion.

That's, anybody can have those. So she was appealing a decision. That's also like, yeah, let's put her in the court system. I'm sure that won't take away valuable time here. Yeah, I mean, we got Carla on the line. We don't have time for this. We got Carla on the line. Maybe Carla is calling about, maybe Carla's a hero.

Yeah. Listen, you've got to let this girl take care of her situation. She's going to end up like me. You're making her appeal? Just call after call after call. Imagine that, though. You're 10 weeks pregnant. You're 16.

You just want to have this fucking abortion, and it gets dragged out by court proceedings and appeals. So by the time it's settled, you're in your third trimester. No, at that point, she's going to go get fries with Antoine. That's true. I know how to terminate this pregnancy. I may go with it, but let's, Antoine,

let's go to Mickey D's. Yeah. Let's not take your car, though. I say let's walk. Let's go to International. got it pal i really i i really like this story nearly six months into russia's bloody war against Ukraine, it appears Vladimir Putin has pinned his hopes for claiming victory on a self-described, quote, organized crime syndicate that is now trawling prisons for cold-blooded killers and deploying mercenaries to straighten out fed-up troops.

That's according to several explosive new reports, which uncovered new details about the notorious Wagner group's alleged role in the war. After myriad reports in recent winks that Kremlin-linked businessman Yevgeny Prigozhin has been personally touring Russian prisons and promising inmates full amnesty

if they fight for Wagner in Ukraine. Yuri, you seem like a ruthless killer and a real scumbag. Tell me why we should let you out to go free and kill Ukrainians. Well, sir, I learned a lot in here and I feel like I have a real psychopathic tendencies and by the way, we'll rape the men as we kill them. Okay, comrade, come back to normal life in Russia. It sounded like they might have been talking to an Arab prisoner there for a little bit. I think he was Arab.

I think I lost my accent really early. I started with a brogue. Started with the Irish brogue. Oh, I kill. Oh, God.. Oh, God. Wait a minute now. Isn't this like the story in, like, Get Me the Craziest Bunch of Killers? Hasn't this story been done a million times in movies?

Yeah, this is like The Dirty Dozen, right? The Dirty Dozen? But this is, Jesus, this is going to, I mean, yeah, you're getting complete, complete sociopath lunatics. Maybe Antoine. Maybe they'll get Antoine out of prison. Yes. Put him in a tank. He'll go and burn all these Ukrainian people. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, think about how bad Russian prisons are. I mean, we've all seen Stranger Things. We have some idea. I have not seen it yet, yes. Thanks for the

spoiler. You're taking the fucking craziest, most demented people out of the craziest prison system and you're just going to airlift them. You're going to fucking drop them in Ukraine, armed with weapons and knives and hand grenades. I mean, this could turn the war. It could backfire. I mean, you know, it's the old what did you think? I'm a scorpion. You know what I mean?

Like, yeah, it could backfire. I don't think if you're I think sociopaths have no loyalty. Yeah. I think sociopaths have no loyalty. Yeah. Especially for the state that's been fucking incarcerating and torturing them for the past 10 years. Yeah. I don't know how their love for the state is going to be at this point.

Yeah. That fart is still hanging in the air. It's unbelievable. Jesus. Okay. All right. And finally, one more story, and i will do an accent again known for its progressive legislation on on period rights scotland is now drawing criticism for a menstrual health group appointing a man as regional leader jason grant a former tobacco sales rep and personal trainer. Oh, not qualified.

Three more period. I can't do Scottish accent. Was hired to be the new regional lead for the country's period dignity group earlier this week. What's dignified about a fucking ketchup stain in your crotch? Says the guy who's basking in his fart air. Wow. I love it. Where's the accent?

No accent, hopefully? Ladies, from now on. I used to be able to do accents, man. I could do any accent. I can't fucking do them anymore. Give me one more a day. He's a trainer applying that to the periods? Yeah, man. I could do any accent. I can't fucking do them anymore. Give me one more a day. He's a trainer applying that to the periods? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God. There's so much information. Period Dignity Group. Yeah. Also, Scotland's known for progressive legislation on period rights. What's a period right? I think it's the right to not wear a kilt

during certain times of the month. Pfft. Hope not. What do you got running down your leg, Eileen? Put some pants on. Eileen. Alright. Alright, let's get to sports

uh do we want to do this uh who gives a shit i don't really know this yeah sean watson fuck to sean watson who cares um let's go down to business oh workers at starbucks have held over 55 different strikes in at least 17 states in the U.S. in recent months over the company's aggressive opposition to a wave of unionization. According to an estimate by Starbucks Workers United, the strikes have cost Starbucks over $375,000 in lost revenue. That doesn't seem like a lot. over $375,000 in lost revenue. That doesn't seem like a lot. The union created a $1 million strike fund in June 2022 to support Starbucks workers through their strikes,

and several relief funds have been established for strikes to support workers who have lost their jobs. Starbucks employees have alleged over 75 workers have been fired in retaliation for union organizing this year. Starbucks has denied all allegations. Huh. What do you expect when you make every worker dress exactly the same? They all talk to the customers the exact same way.

They make the drinks the same way. They're going to organize. You've made them work like a unit. You can't then treat them like individuals. They get to to organize. You've made them work like a unit. You can't then treat them like individuals. They get to collectively bargain. They are a fucking group. You've made them a group. I could never, just based on all the milkshakes I'm making for obese people,

I could not work in a Starbucks. It's Dairy Queen. It is. It's Baskin Robbins. We have a drive-thru, the one on Lincoln. And I used to go when the kids were sleeping in the car. And I lived like right nearby. And I would be sleep deprived.

And I couldn't risk waking this fucking kid. So I would go to that drive. And I would be behind minivans. And I'm like, let me like what is it and i'm alone with these thoughts what is the over under on how giant this arm is going to be that comes out to grab its milkshake right and every time it was staggering and how many kids are in the back ordering a fucking strawberry swirl caramacchiato you know um the starbucks needs to have one line for assholes that are buying ice cream shakes and one line for a guy

that just wants a drip coffee so he can get on with his fucking day i told you once i was at the airport and the manager saw how unbelievably long the line was. This is in, you know, the departures. I mean, you know, I guess it could be arrivals too. But everyone is dying to get a coffee before they go on the plane. And finally the manager saw it and goes, if anybody just wants coffee, come over here. I wanted to marry her. It was, everyone was so thankful and,

and, and show their gratitude, like tips. It was like the greatest move ever. And the pathetic fucking losers that stood on the ice stayed on the ice cream line. It was ridiculous. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, I remember, but I'm not judging. No. When Starbucks first opened, do you remember how pristine Starbucks were when they first opened and how the baristas really knew their shit and how it felt really special? Yeah.

Now it's just McDonald's. Well, it reminded me, I looked up while you were reading that, that do you know how many, there's a bunch, I don't have the exact thing. I think it was 20 something. Starbucks are closing in Los Angeles because it's too dangerous to stay open. Yeah, I read that article. They were talking about how many homeless people are coming in with no fucking clothes on and holding up knives. And yeah. Meanwhile, 7-Eleven workers are like and yeah right right i mean 7-elevens are rough dude every 7-eleven in la has it has a team of homeless people sitting out front that look like the kind of homeless people that are they're like like, they're decrepit. They're shoeless. They're

angry. It's crazy. No real. It is scary. And they know the 7-Eleven. They're like, they're like, Jerry, not like, I just have to use the bathroom. Like, you know, like they know them. Yeah. It's, oh, the smell, something that, you know, the poor people, but it is also having nothing to do with homeless, sketchy people too. No, they're the kind of people that like, normally if I go into a store and I see a homeless person, I will say, do you want a muffin? Do you want a sandwich? Do you want a cup of coffee? Whatever. Do you want a Duraflame? Not at 7-Eleven, man. I just avert my eyes and I get in there before somebody hurts me. And by sketchy,

I don't mean they're homeless. I mean, drug dealers are sitting in their cars. It's a meeting place. Kids are looking for people to buy them alcohol and then there's creeps doing it. It makes me think back to better days. This day in history.

Oh, look at that transition. 1959. Hawaii becomes the 50th state, which always amazed me. It's always amazed me that this group of islands that's thousands of miles away are one of our states. So here's how it happened. The modern United States receives its crowning star when President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs a proclamation admitting Hawaii into the union. The president also issued an order for an American flag featuring 50 stars arranged in staggered rows, five six-star rows and four five-star rows. Get on it, Betsy.

Can you imagine the people that had fucking 49 stars on their flags and they were like, God damn it. Fuck Hawaii. I'm just not going to recognize them. The first known settlers were the Polynesian voyagers who arrived sometime in the 8th century. In the early 18th century, American traders came to Hawaii to exploit the island's sandalwood, which had much value in China.

In the 1830s, the sugar industry was introduced to Hawaii, and by the mid-19th century had become well-established. American missionaries and planters occupied the islands and brought about massive changes in Hawaiian political, cultural, economic, and religious life. Yeah, we ruined it. We ruined it. planters occupied the islands and brought about massive changes in hawaiian political cultural economic and religious life yeah we ruined it we ruined it we fucking killed them if they spoke their native language and we took their religion away uh anyway it goes on and on and then during world war ii uh there was obviously pearl harbor yeah we're gonna strip you of your

culture we're gonna take your land and oh yeah we're gonna make you a target for an attack from japan mahala listen this is gonna be a win for you guys we're gonna come in we're gonna organize things we're gonna strip your monarch of much of his authority and uh people really hate us and they're pretty close they're definitely can reach you. Yes. And you'll see. Just wait. But we're going to admit you to the U.S. We're going to admit you. And as a thank you for Pearl Harbor, you're going to permanently be one of us.

And all of us fat people can just move there now without even doing paperwork. Yeah. Now, first, we allowed you – oh, there was a lot of construction work that fell in your laps after Pearl Harbor. Thank you. You're welcome. And also, we're going to send you a guy named Dog the Bounty Hunter and his family. Perfect.

Let's do some letters to the editor. We're also going to send the Bradys out there. This is from Derek in Santa Barbara. Hey, read book Breath by James Nestor. Many interviews on YouTube and Nourish Balance Thrive. I'm a back sleeper. Solution, bed wedge that elevates your head seven inches and tape your mouth. So breathe through nose and not mouth. Nose breathing is much healthier also. Many studies confirm this. Nestor did big sleep experiment at Stanford with med school, entire department. Audiobook is fast, whatever. He sent me a screenshot of the wedge that you

put on your bed. I got a nice bed. It's very comfortable. I don't want seven inches of whatever this fucking wedge is made out of. It's always some material that doesn't breathe. And so you're fucking, you're sweating your ass off in the middle of the night. So now once again, I'm not sleeping because I'm sleeping on a wedge. So I have a raised bed. You know,

you don't, you wouldn't know it, but because of reflux and what you're supposed to do you can raise the mattress and you can like raise put it on top of it because it's too much of an angle you're supposed to raise the whole so the idea is you raise the bed frame oh you just put a little you should you and her and should try it. Raise it an amount that you won't notice. Like you can, I think mine is, they say I should raise it more, but mine, and meanwhile, my voice is going because I'm on meth, but mine's raised, I think it's two, two by four.

So what is that? Three inches? I'm trying to remember, but you kind of don't notice, but it does help. You are up a little bit for sure. All right. I'm going to try it. And also the, a lot of, by the way, a lot, thank you all. A lot of people send emails about this issue of my wife snoring. And a lot of people say that they use the tape and they, people sent screenshots of the tape. You put it right over your mouth and it's fine i guess you can just sleep with fucking but i'm a mouth breather for a reason

man i gotta deal with whatever congestion's going on and whatever like yeah what if i put the tape on her mouth said than done breathing through your nose only i wake up in the morning she's got tape on her mouth and she's blue so so when so when you cut that hole in her tape, just, uh, get a little, when you throw a move on her, that's not, that's not going to help things. Right. Right. You should tape up your butt with this gas you're bragging about. Yep. That was a fifth grade, fifth grade joke right there. Josiah from Nashville said, uh,

commenting on your joke, the video we put up last week about you wearing a mask and people giving you shit. I used to say something similar to get under people's skin. During peak COVID, when someone asked me to wear a mask, I informed them it's a federal crime to conceal my identity by wearing a mask while carrying a handgun. Ooh. Love y'all's rambling uh well you got us there that's the counterpoint landry wilson said don't feel bad about masking on the plane i'm double masking one on my face the other on my butt to protect me from covid and monkey pox. That's the new thing. Monkey pox is officially taken on in the comedy world. It's a gay disease.

All the jokes are about butt fucking now. Hmm. All right. Rich said Mike outlined his criteria for a gay crush as good looking, funny, and damaged, usually big drinkers. Could it be that years of long friendship with Mike is based on his gay crush for you, Mike? Look at that, Rich. I don't know.

Maybe. Wow. Yeah. All you have to do is smell one of these farts and your crush on me would end instantly. We're going to put a mask on your butt. Yeah. As was already in the good news for governments. He did comment on this.

He could not believe we did not mention Paul Newman. If I had to choose between Paul Newman and Robert Redford, I'm going Redford because I think he'd be more gentle and more of a generous lover. I think Paul Newman, I think, is an aggressive lover. You do? I think so. A young Paul Newman was aggressive. Joanne Woodward Paul Newman would be more gentle. They're both pretty short, I think.

Well, they're both dead, aren't they? One's dead. What are you talking about? Which one's dead? Paul Newman. Joanne Woodward's still alive? Oh, Jesus Christ. I thought you were talking about Redford and Newman.

Oh. I don't know how tall Woodward was. Hmm. But I'm going to putbert redford at five nine and five ten for newman okay what do we think and is anyone still listening to this is our producer listening well you know it would be nice if occasionally he uh put it right in the obituary. Put it in there. What... Here he comes. Here he is.

5'10 for Redford. I think that's generous. No. Okay. Here comes Newman. And Newman. Now he's looking up Newman. You didn't tell me which one you would take.

Newman. You would take Newman. Yeah. Yeah. Those eyes. He's cooler. They're both cool. I don't know if he's cooler.

It says they're both 5'10". I don't know about that. I do not know about that. Obituaries we don't have this week because nobody died that seem that interesting to me. I wonder. Think about it. Did someone die this week? Nope. That's kind of remarkable

I bet someone did nope well Brody Stevens was born this week it's his birthday today so we should give a shout out to Brody why do you say

it's his birthday because there's a big thing at the comedy store tonight for Brody Stevens. No, no, no. That's because the date is 8-1-8. Oh, really? Yeah, the 8-1-8 till I die, the area code of the valley. Oh, got it.

Interesting. Thank God I fact-checked that. No, someone sad died. There was a... From our TV world? I'll tell you right now. There is a website that lists celebrity deaths. And this one says...

It's called TMZ. There was Wolfgang Peterson, the director of Das Boot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pete Carroll, who was the former Princeton basketball coach. Teddy Ray, who's a comedian that I'm not familiar with. Oh, yeah, yeah. Pete Carroll, who was the former Princeton basketball coach. Teddy Ray, who's a comedian that I'm not familiar with. Oh, Jesus, Anne Heche.

He was featured on Wild and Out. He drowned in a pool. Who? Wow. And then, I'm telling you, nobody. There wasn't like a mom or dad from a sitcom or something? Robin Griggs from Another World. No.

Denise Douse from beverly hills 90210 no and then ann hayes who we did last week that's it huh maybe i was thinking of ann hayes yeah poor ann hayes did we hear a rumor that there was a guy in the car? Was that something that... It's not true. Tom thought he... Tom, our big gossip, thought he had heard something like that. But no way.

I mean, we would have seen it. I mean, why would they hide that? Did they find booze and drugs in her system? I heard no booze, but I heard some drugs. I don't know. Boy, was she driving fast, man. Yeah. Well, she hit a house.

She went into that house. Boy, it was really something. Yeah. Poor thing, though. I know. Poor Aunt Hayes. I always liked her. she went into that house boy it was really something yeah um poor thing though i know poor anne heche i always liked her and then you saw ellen's comment did you i saw what somebody posted as ellen's comment and it was uh the coldest thing ever my heart goes out to the family of Anne Heche. Hey, this was supposed to be almond milk, you motherfucker.

All right, let's get to some of the funnies. Okay. Leroy, last week the Lockhorns were camping the whole week. Every comic strip every day was one day they were shopping for tents, one day they were driving to the site. So this is the day they're actually camping, and Leroy is pulling a bag up with a rope onto a tree limb, and then Loretta says,

if you put our food out of a bear's reach what will his second choice be it's cute i thought it was gonna be a comment about her food well he did make a comment in another post where yeah he looks at the tent and he goes well the good news is there's no kitchen did you see that you see the bottom left one? Bottom left. He says, don't make any s'more about the food. Don't make these any s'more. Don't make these any s'more.

You can't even do a s'more right. They're watching TV. There's an infomercial. There's a guy holding up a mop. It says only $19.95, double offer. And Leroy goes, if that's the only mop we'll ever need, why are they trying to sell us a second one? Good point. It's a good one.

That's solid. And then we get to Hager the Horrible, and he really is horrible. Helga's talking to the daughter, and she says, your father is an old-school Viking, and he doesn't apologize for it, and I'm an old-school Viking wife. And then the daughter goes, maybe he should apologize for that, as she's ironing and stirring dinner at the same time. That hit heavy.

That hit Helga heavy. Look at her eyes. Is this a feminist Viking? It seemed like it. Huh. She's proud that he's an old school rapist and he doesn't apologize for it. All right.

Getting kind of woke. All right, you got some Scott Adams? Scott Adams. Here's Charles Adams. And by the way, he's in the news. Tim Burton has done a series on the Adams family. Really? Yep.

All right, this one is sort of ahead of its time. Of course, it was unintentional. But this one, I think, is from, let me see, I think it's 1940. I can tell you in a second. It is from 1940, November 9th. And it is typically, it's the dad. You can see the picture. He showed up at the delivery room. He's an expecting father. And the nurse pops her head out and says, congratulations, it's a baby. it's a baby and now

with sexual self identity that's a very accurate cartoon who knows what it will identify as what do you think his intention was with that comic I have no idea I was kind of thinking about that

and let's give it some thought congratulations it's a baby maybe it's is it that the is it that the nurse is just over it she's delivered so many babies that she's just like congratulations it's a fucking baby maybe i don't know normally he has a darker undercurrent. Yeah. I'm not sure what it is. Yeah, what would that be? I think it's, maybe it's just a cynical nurse.

It's almost like, yeah. Speaking of cynical. What does it matter? You're going to just love it and you take it home and, you know, you got a baby. Congratulations. There's trouble in Blondie Town.

Oh, no. Dagwood's sitting on a blue chair and he says, how many times do I have to tell you I'm sorry? And she goes, at least three more times. And he goes, do you always keep count? And she goes, it all depends on the argument. I mean, they are, this is not the first strip recently where they are really going at it and there's no resolution.

There used to be resolution by the end of the strip, but it's just like a standing, it's a standoff. And I have a feeling that there's damage being done here that's toxic and irreparable. That's my hope.

This is what I thought the last cell would be. The middle cell is, do you always keep count? And she'd be like, now it's four. Nice. Much funnier. That would be a little, I'd give her a little more credit if that's what she came out with. Yeah. All right.

Well, speaking of giving credit, we want to thank the fine folks at Midcoast Media that do a great job week in and week out. Key, Chris, Beth, John from England. And thank you guys for keeping the flow. How did John find himself on this Midcoast? Yeah, John, how do you end up in St. Louis when you're from Great Britain? Shouldn't you be invading Ireland and harassing them? No Brexit from the mid-coast? Chris Denman was in Scotland last week

for the Edinburgh Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah. He told us that it was a little hokey, some of it. You know, some of these British comics, they had props. And a lot of those British comics, they try too hard. They think too much, these European comics. They're always like, Chris Gethard was there, and he said he was great.

I love Chris Gethard. He's a really ingenious comedian uh very interesting always uh baby wants candy funny improv group okay from us of course of course if they're funny they're from the u.s they've got there's a few there's a few good comic I'm not saying there's not good comics out of Europe and England

I'm just saying that a lot of times they just they just you shouldn't be researching your stand-up comedy you shouldn't be buying things at a store

for your stand-up comedy are you defending our podcast which has zero research right send your corrections to FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com or your love. We love to hear your praise. We get back to every single email that comes in. And when I say we, I absolutely mean I get back to you. wrong with my gmail when i try to forward it it doesn't do it and i have to go through three extra steps so i stopped doing it you know i never got the link from you still i went into google docs

and found it but i never got the link emailed to me this week the link even after even after you tried to send me the link to the document no shit shit. Yeah, still. That's weird. What about when I texted it to you? Whatever. We'll talk about it after the show. Listen, thank you guys for listening. We appreciate your continued support. We look forward to talking to you next week right here on Sunday Papers.

Watch the rehearsal, will you? All right, I'm going to watch it this week. The last episode killed me. I promise you. Killed me. Okay. Yeah. All right, is this where I say take this week. The last episode killed me. I promise you. Killed me. Okay. Yeah. All right, is this where I say take it eesh?

This is where you say it. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. There it is. They call it Sunday, but it's really Thursday. They call it papers, but it's a Google sheet. It's no more the news, and this song is a song, but at least we have the corrections.