Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 129 8/28/22

Episode Date: August 28, 2022

What’s Sunday without tales of beastiality, selling limbs on Facebook and Prince Charles trying to bond with the Queen? Also a cancer survivor thanks us for saving his life. It's what we do.    

If you're tired of reading through the headlines, don't despair and get ready for a good time. Here we go. It's the Sunday Papers Show. Gordon, what do you got over here? Clapping in seven, eight. Gregory's clap, three one let's go let me tell you a little something read all about it read all about it coming from the vineyard we got a reporter we've got regional reporters calling in from all over the country this started mikey fitzgibbon part of the irish mafia i can't believe you just answered his phone on the vineyard for this festival well mikey mikey is a phone user

our friend mikey fitzgibbon is on martha's vineyard right now and he is uh at a music festival that we are dying to be at it's got the most sick, and it's on the Vineyard in August. I mean, it's fucking amazing. So we're going to check in with him in a few minutes and get an update. He's part of the Irish Mafia. Crongman. He already called it.

Spoiler, Crongman destroyed yesterday, two days ago, Friday. He's part of our foursome on Friday, the Fitzsimmons, Fitzgibbons, Gibbons, and Gubbins foursome. He's a good guy to go to concerts. I've been to many concerts with this guy. Dude, he's a guitarist

by profession. Yeah. Yeah. Nicest guy. So how you doing? I'm doing well. I want some updates. You had an amazing time at your mom's birthday party at your house. That was so nice.

Thank you for coming. Oh, please. Your sister was there and her husband who, by the way, we both scored with sisters. We both have the best fucking sisters going. I can't believe, I know it was insulting to you, but everyone was kind of talking about how young Deirdre looks. Yeah, yeah. And part of the surprise, it would just be surprise in general

because she looks way younger than her age, but is that you would be the case study along with it because you guys look very similar. You mean I'm the control group? You might be the control group. Yeah. I have wrinkled at warp speed. The other day I took a selfie and then I looked at it and I was like, fuck, I smashed a glass

on my phone. And then I was like, oh, no, that's my face. That's what my face looks like. Could Apple fix it? Listen, I got Apple care. I paid a lot for it. And this is messed up. Do you have eye Botox? Come on, Apple. You can do this. No, she. Silicone Valley. She exercises like five days a week year round for the last 30 years. She's like, you know, and her skin looks great. And she's she's the fucking happiest person that I know. She's I don't know how her skin looks great. Is she a little darker than you?

Oh, yeah. No, she tans. Deirdre tans. I'm pasty white. I take after my mom and my sister takes after my dad jeez that's that sucks you got the wrong hand there i did too yeah yeah yeah and uh we she she's very active like you know she thinks our family is lazy so like me and erin sleep in until 8 30 and by the time we get up my sister has already

gotten up run walked the neighborhood she's taking snapshots of different like landscapes to help us with our fucking our house is embarrassed our landscaping is embarrassing no your house is fine house is fine but the landscaping needs work and and she's on east coast time uh that that helps her a little bit yeah but we've done so work. And she's on East Coast time. That helps her a little bit. Yeah. But we've done so much shit. My mom's out here for her 80th birthday, and she's doing good.

She had heart surgery almost a year ago, and she's lost a step or two, but she can still party with the best of them. Oh, my God. Yeah. So who said it? Did you tell me you guys all treat the barometer, you treat your mom's, the color of your mom's teeth as like the pH stick

and, and the redder they get it's because of red wine. Uh, you have to brace yourself because the stories get crazier. Yes, the stories get crazier. Yeah. One glass of wine and they're pink. Two glasses of wine. They get red. Once once her teeth are purple, she's going to start grabbing your head with both hands, pulling you in real close. And it's so funny because you you have such a hard time with intimacy and getting compliments yes and my mother said to you mike you are so wonderful and you just went so how much longer you out here yep i also kept a table between us she leaned forward and wanted me to lean all the way in. And you had already warned me about the head grab.

And so I kind of just went down and not over the table. I'm like, this is something there is that loves a wall. I mean, there is. I liked that little barrier there. Emotionally, physically, all of it. Oh, my God. You just, I saw you. it was like you saw a ghost she was she was pouring love over your head telling you how great you were and just so how much longer you out here this ghost sheet i wish it were teflon

uh she's amazing sorry when i'm leaving oh and by the way we met her at the airport she turned 80 so we met her at the airport at LAX yeah and she got in with my sister

and they're coming down the escalator crowded with people and I've got a sign we got balloons and a sign and flowers and the sign says

happy 90th birthday Pat Fitzsimmons and she fucking died. She loved it. She was howling. Is that the sign I took a picture of? I think I sent it to you today. Yeah, we'll post it.

We'll post it. So when I'm leaving the party, first of all, also in the party, like Owen, everyone, you know, your son like knows like, yep, she's ramping up a little bit. And your mom's like not like a big drinker. We're just talking about. She's a big drinker. Oh, OK. But when she gets to her four, it only takes three. I mean, it is who she is also.

Yeah. So anyway, it's not like a Jekyll and Hyde. But anyway, when we're leaving, I don't know what starter on it. But I remember I was laughing in the car ride home and I'm like, this is going to be another, another one of those things. And it's a small little thing, but it's worth mentioning, but I'm like, I will forget it. So I actually recorded it on my voice memo. And so that's the only reason I remember now. Anyway, I'm laughing on the way home. Cause she's like, uh, something came up and she's like, Oh yeah. She's like, uh, helmets. Remember my idea for helmets? And she's looking around at all of you and you're like, what? Owen was playing soccer, getting hurt.

I can't do the accent exactly, but getting hurt a lot and playing soccer. And I'm like, where, why, what about a helmet? This helmet would go over the head. It would come down along the jawline. And all of them laughed. All of them laughed. Well, guess what? Shark tanks. Shark tanks. It's on shark tanks.

And she just looks around at all of you as if she just rubbed it so hard in your faces. Shark tanks. That has been her whole life. She has come up with ideas on her own that later turn into legitimate ideas to take off. She thought of post offices, et cetera. That was the original one. I can't even think of them all, but she thought of so many inventions. That was her calling in life. If she had, if somebody had bankrolled her, she'd be a billionaire right now.

But soccer helmets was one of her, one of her big ones. Yeah. Yeah. Seems like low hanging fruit. It seems like, yeah, she, she, she could have been on shark tanks. She could have been on Shark Tanks. She also now has the idea for a show called Shark Tanks. Maybe it's multiple rooms where there's like competing pitches. Yeah, it's Aquarium. Have you seen the new show, Aquarium? And then she also remembers shit that I don't remember.

And it's too specific to have been made up. But she remembers shit. Like when I was a parking attendant, one time I was on the phone with her. And it was like a landline phone that was out by the parking attendant shack. And I was in the middle of talking to her. And I was like, Mom, hold on a second. And I took off because a car, a Cadillac was rolling down the hill with nobody behind the wheel. Like I'd left it and drive. And so I came running up to the side of it.

I whipped the door open and there's a little old lady sitting there. You can only see like her knuckles on the steering wheel. And I had totally forgotten about that until she reminded me. And then you're like, oh, God, I'm so sorry, ma'am. Close the door and she just drives right into traffic and causes a 10-car pileup. The car unmanned would have done better. Dude, by the way, have you been to the Annenberg Pool in the Palisades? Yes.

The tile in it and everything yeah this is the best kept secret in la if you visit la i'll give you i'll tell you right now just look up annenberg pool you go in you pay 10 bucks five bucks for seniors and teenagers and it is this pool and it was william randolph hearst's girlfriend who was a famous starlet. And she was actually a big movie star. Marion Davies. Yeah. So it was her house. He built it for her.

And it's this mansion with like 100 rooms. And there was this gigantic pool out front that they fully restored with these tiles that are gorgeous. And there's like, I'm telling you, it's big enough to hold easily 100 people. And there were maybe 20 people there. We had our own lounge chairs in the sun on the beach. The pool is heated, totally clean, beautiful shower rooms. And then there's that cafe that's right there that's amazing. This really good cafe.

Back on the beach is still so great. Right. It's right there. That's amazing. This is still so great. Right. Kind of like a great like, you know, they do lunch on the great like breakfast place vibes. Yeah.

So we went there yesterday. There was a French family that was, you know, it was. Wait, the French family. What? They were very French. Like the father had like, you know, kind of long hair, but it was designer hair. And he was like a silver fox. And he had the hot teenage daughter. And he was very physical with her. You know, French dads really flirt with their daughters.

There's a lot of like, you know, holding hands and, you know, rubbing her face. It was like, you know, if that was an American, somebody would call the cops. But when they're French, you're like, okay, that's pretty standard. We're sure the older woman wasn't the real daughter and this was the new wife. Ah. Yeah. So an LA specialty. He knows what he's doing. Went in Rome.

So that was, so it's called the People's Beach House. And I know it's back when I used to read the Santa Monica, like local papers and stuff. But anyway, it was boarded up for decades. Marion Davies, his side, her side piece was there and was boarded up for decades. I don't know. I can't remember. There might have been a couple of efforts to do something. But right down the street is the Jonathan club. And then there's another beach club. I'm forgetting which one, and they're very private and exclusive and all that stuff. And then there's a third one up, uh, by sunset. Um, I'm forgetting the name of that one. So anyway, this was an effort to make a public one.

And so Santa Monica, I think it was even boarded up for decades while Santa Monica owned it. There was this tons of red tape. It might've been Bobby Shriver who got so frustrated and he was on the city council in Santa Monica and he just tried to cut through all the red tape. Let's do this. We have someone willing to pay for it, the Annenberg Foundation. And it's a great example of like if you put enough muscle in, you really can get things done and beautify cities and make public spaces. And they preserved, you know, he, Hearst, if you've ever been to San Simeon, you know, his castle. Everywhere he been to san simeon you know his castle everywhere he went around the world he brought back artifacts and those tiles are from one of his exploits and he brought them back in the pool and a lot of the house they preserved also so anyway it's very

cool and it's so cool that it's open to the public and she apparently was like fucking Charlie Chaplin on the side and Hearst banned him from the house. Oh, wow. Yeah. How did he catch them? I doubt they made any noise. Hey, now. Hey, now. Every time you had assumed she was masturbating because she's the only one making a squeak.

Right. Why is she laughing while she's masturbating? All right. Let's call our boy Mikey Fitzgibbon. All right. squeak. Right. Why is she laughing while she's masturbating? All right. Let's call our boy Mikey Fitzgibbon. All right. He won't hear me, right? No. Okay, great. Sounds like you're in an Irish music festival. Go for your rubbing reporter. There you go who who are you listening to right now

man call lettuce lettuce they're pretty dope it's kind of like galactic almost okay horn heavy horn heavy bands so tell us about krungbin because i was not a fan at first mike was a fanatic and you said they killed it last night god they're so groovy they're the grooviest goddamn band in the land and the chick on the base maybe the sexiest female musician on the planet earth really yeah yeah she's greasy flowing exotic melodic lines on the guitar at the base at the base. These weird ethereal vocals. She's with the whole stadium. Nice. And what's the vibe

on Martha's Vineyard? It's very vibey. It's extremely racially diverse. No, wait. Not racially diverse. Much. There's red lobsters. People having a lovely time. food is outstanding you got a

15 dollar lobster roll just like half price yeah dude i just got a what's up on my j-rad t-shirt sorry um yeah the lobster rolls are outstanding and very reasonably priced uh super easy short lines bathroom lines it's. Like, why they have a hydration station, you just bring a water bottle, it's empty. And so you can manage your buzz the whole thing. Is there a separate? Is there a separate one for black people? Of course. Yeah. I mean, this is a white music festival. You know, what's funny is like, actually, our producer, Chris Denman just pointed out that there's like a month long black stand up comedy festival going on in the vineyard right now, because there is a very black area in Oak Bluffs, which is.

He was there. Mike, he was there. Oh, did you go to it? Well, yeah, I just gave Denman's name at the door and they kind of scurried me in. Through the back door. told him i knew somebody denman is acutely aware of any gatherings of black people in the country it's getting a little loud he gets alerts on his phone wait let me hide behind this garbage can i think they just turned up the volume all right so who are the big who are the big names that you're going to see in the next couple days so um david brothers also by the way like with a headliner last night david brothers yeah

yeah every brother's are great lord you're on people like they're great you know they're not like they're good they're good their live show is good and mount joy also um today headliners are oh beck is the headliner nice Proceeded closely by Billy Strings Who's fucking amazing Billy Strings is like the nastiest guitar player around Bluegrass plus a bunch of other There's a million covers And Dawes and Guster are on after this

People like Dawes, they're pretty good I hate Dawes Oh, Sunday is Wilco and Jason Isbell Nice Yeah, also, you know, people Emmylou Harris Wow Oh, Sunday is Wilco and Jason Isbell. Nice. Yeah. Also, you know, people, Emmylou Harris. Wow. Oh, I love Simba Cinder. Who was the headliner last night?

Krungbin was the headliner last night, right? No, I doubt it. They actually weren't the headliner. So also, by the way, it's dumped rain. So right after the show, as the show was wrapping up, there was some pretty spectacular lightning. And then it's kind of dumped right after the show, so pretty convenient.

But then they canceled the first four acts today. Oh, shit. Because it was soaked out here. Yeah, so they just hacked off the first four acts this morning. Oh, that sucks. Yeah, kind of a drag. The one band, Bahamas, is supposed to be fun. They just got hacked off. We missed them. Yeah. Who was a drag. The one band, Bahamas, is supposed to be fun. They just got hacked up.

We missed them. Yeah. Who was the headliner? It's been great. I mean, we rented this. We was like eight dudes. My buddy rented this huge old, like, 10-bedroom house. It was more airborne.

It was built in 1843. Yeah. It's a hell of a... Wow. ...use of real estate. That's nice. It's delicious. Amazing.

How's it out there on the podcast? Podcast is going good We just wanted to check in We wish we were there Maybe we'll all try to make it next year Yeah This could be a yearly thing This is super dope Alright man

Bring me back a black dog You got it Alright brother See ya Take it easy Later We gotta do that next year That just sounds like too much fun.

It sounds amazing. I guess it was the Avett brothers were last night. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Wow. By the way, I went to McDonald's. You know my ritual when we record Sunday Papers, which we record on Saturday, I go to McDonald's around the corner from my house,

and I get an Egg McMuffin and a hash brown. And so I pulled up, I ordered it, and I pulled up to the window, and the guy already had the bag hanging out the window. And I go, wow, that was fast. And he goes, Jess, we make it yesterday. Oh, wow. I thought this was a beautiful story about how they knew you. They know you're coming. No, I was just it's a celebration of the fact that the guy is working. I look, who knows? Maybe working at McDonald's is fun, but I loved his spirit.

I love that he had a fucking solid one liner for me coming right out of it. Yeah. All right. Let's give a shout out to craig godette for this week's logo which is uh very cool craig thank you i don't know what what that it's a reference to i mean i like it but i wonder if that's a movie poster or something um i i't, or is it from like those awful family photos? Oh, awkward family photos. Yeah. Maybe it's from that. I might be wrong.

I don't know. Yeah. And then, uh, the song this week, holy shit. I got to tell you this guy, David Chamberlain, uh, who's a music producer at recordla.com. If you want to check him out. Maybe record. He has sent in some of the best songs. When we were picking our final songs, this guy is definitely in the running,

including today's, really strong. So I have not heard it yet, so sorry, David, if I'm not being effusive about it, but I'm definitely going to listen to it. So what's it like? Can you describe it? It is like a professional jingle writer like wkrp and cincinnati style oh i thought i was tracking that till the reference okay great all right i like it a little 70s vibes yeah it's a little bit of a 70s vibe, I would say. All right. Yeah. By the way, I was listening to, what the fuck song was it?

A song came on that struck me. You ever hear a song, and I think you brought this up, that the songs that you remember the most are when you're between the ages of 11 and 16 or something? I don't think that was me, but I buy into that. Yeah, the ones you have the strongest emotional connection to. So there was a song that came on that was, and I said to my sister, I go, Google this, because I guarantee this was 1977 when I was 11 years old

and we were skating at the Tarrytown Lakes at night where they had big loudspeakers up. years old and we were skating at the tarrytown lakes at night where they had big loud speakers up and uh and so i put on the 1977 playlist of top songs holy fucking shit i mean the the most amazing you know uh play that funky music whitey boy and uh if you leave me now if you leave me now, if you leave me now, like a lot of disco shit, a lot of great. There was a Dave, but there was a great Young Americans from David Bowie. The the whatchamacallems. well you know right at that time there was that music and also very bloated rock with huge guitar solos and long songs and so 77 ish ushered in punk which was answering that right so but but no all of that the yacht rock of that era and stuff is, and our kids, it's weird.

Like their whole journey, yacht rock is so big with them. And like, you know, Olivia, like so many other kids that our listeners might have, all of a sudden they're playing these crazy deep, you know, deep cut songs. And a lot of times like it's been on Euphoria. Right. You know, deep cut songs. And a lot of times like it's, it's been on euphoria. Right. You know, something like that. And, but that's, that's how, that's their gateway into this stuff. So it's very cool. Yeah.

I mean, Jerry Rafferty. Oh, right. Who, who they used on euphoria. Yeah. Is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, no corrections this week.

The correction section stands empty We fucking nailed it last week Nothing wrong There must have been a technical error Either on the email Or maybe our podcast didn't go out last week So It's the biggest correction of all

That's needed actually Yeah Tour dates coming up No corrections needed here I'm going to be in Lowell, Arkansas September 16th and 17th at the Grove actually. Yeah. Tour dates coming up. No corrections needed here. I'm going to be in Lowell, Arkansas, September 16th and 17th at The Grove. New Orleans, October 6th at Howlin' Wolf.

Lafayette, Louisiana, October 7th at Club 337. Chicago at the Den Theater, October 15th. Also dates coming up in San Francisco, Tampa, and Fort Worth, Texas, all coming up. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get yourself some tickets. See some live comedy. We'd also like to thank our sponsor this week. I mean, look, if you're cringing at the pump or you're getting a big fat check at a restaurant, inflation is killing us.

We're killing us. But there's an upside to inflation. With every purchase, you can earn cash back with Upside. It's an incredible app for anyone who buys gas, groceries, or dines out. Upside is very cool. I just used it because you recommended a restaurant that I take my mother to for her birthday up in Malibu called Jeffrey's, which is right on the water. Gorgeous setting. Perfect tourist restaurant. Guess how much the check was that I picked up? All right. I'm going to actually, I don't know how many, six of you. Yeah. I'm going to go,

you don't drink. Your kids probably don't drink much erin really doesn't drink so now i'm lowering it lowering it i'm gonna say 690 600 600 without tip oh right all right yeah i was i was saying what you got out of there for so you got out for 618 got it and the best part is then they hit you up for an $18 valet parking. It's like, how about you just are satisfied with fucking $600-something for the check? But anyway. When we took my mom there, we took three cars. Oh, Jesus Christ. Because people were coming from work and then Culver and here.

Yeah. And there were a lot of us. Anyway, so I used the Upside app and I got a lot of points for that, baby. It's too good to be true. I've used it. It works. It's a no-brainer. And then I'm going to take my cash back and I'm going to go to McDonald's next week and I'm going to buy myself a meal.

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There we go. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! Oh, boy. Terrifying headline. Adderall shortage. But not today. Adderall is hard to find at some pharmacies following a labor shortage at the largest U.S. supplier. Labor shortage. Just put some kids in there with free Adderall in the break room. That shit will be flying out of the building. It's quote, it's often that they're not out entirely. I said the drug manufacturers say that patients who take 20 milligrams twice a day, for example,

might have to work with their doctors to get alternative pill sizes. So that is a terrifying. This is like telling me take this 30 milligram like edible. But you sometimes I doubt how ADD I am. I have very, very much of concentration problems, not denying that. But I take a five like I did 20 minutes ago and I am good. And my energy changes. I know how to start projects, which is usually the heart or which project to start. What did you take at your peak?

20. And it was a patch. That was your favorite thing? Yeah, it was called Datrona, this patch. And I stuck it on my hip and it was time released, which was nice because you didn't crash when it ended because it ended when you peeled it off. So say you wanted the effects of Adderall, but you didn't want it to last the whole eight hours. You just peel the patch off, and you give it a little wipe, and then the effects go away. So I love the patch, but they stopped making it. They did.

Yeah. I know athletes, you could say were abusing, but they were using it. Yeah. And the reason they loved the patch was they could use it for their workout. They could use it for everything, but it takes away your hunger. So then when it came time to just pound food after crazy workouts, they'd rip off the patch. Yeah. Well, I guess, I don't know. There's definitely an Adderall shortage. The writer of this article went on to point out halfway through the

article that his cat is obsessed with pine cones. And then he quickly made a list of friends he would give money to if he won the lottery. Didn't finish the article. Articles just sort of trails off. Yeah, I couldn't make sense of the last half of the article because I hadn't taken mine yet today.

It was just a blurry mess. I'm like, wait a minute. What story is this? A man in Italy tested positive for SARS. Hey, this is my story. Oh, that's yours. Sorry. Go ahead.

And look at my little headline. Italian man scores hat trick. Remember, we're trying to change up the- Should we start doing that? Do you want to start making funny headlines? I already did. I mean, you did, but I mean, I purposefully don't put funny headlines. Well, we got a criticism from a listener.

Okay, we'll do it. We'll start making funny headlines. The headlines are redundant because then the first line usually is a longer headline. Right. A man in Italy, this story, a man in Italy tested positive. I don't mean to laugh. A man in Italy tested positive for COVID, monkeypox, and HIV all at once after having unprotected sex during his trip to Spain, becoming the first recorded patient to have these three viruses in conjunction.

Now that's a spicy meatball. The patient in the case report, an Italian 36-year-old male, spent five days in Spain in June. Nine days after returning home from his trip, he developed a fever, sore throat, fatigue, headache, and inflammation in his groin area. Ouch. Shortly afterward, he tested positive for SARS-CoV-2, and within a day, he developed a rash on his left arm. The day after, small, painful blisters appeared on his torso, lower limbs, face, and rear. And the rear. Good Lord.

When Putin poisons you, there's less going on with your body. Right, right. What the hell? Yeah. I mean, and I'm guessing with all that gay sex, a hemorrhoid may be in the works as well. I mean, honestly, the best time ever to get a hemorrhoid is to be like, I don't care. It's so low on my list. Yeah.

So low. Now, this is a guy who did not make good decisions in Spain. You know what test did not turn out positive? His Italian SATs. That's the only one. SATs. I don't even know how it is. Imagine the guy, hey, did you see?

Wait, did you take the test? Were there two lines on your COVID test? Hard to tell. It exploded. Wait, did you take the test? Were there two lines on your COVID test? Hard to tell. It exploded.

It just combusted right on the bathroom counter. It disintegrated in my hand. There's no proof. Wait, what do you mean two lines? All these lines came up and it said, update your will. Is that common? And you know this motherfucker flew home with all these diseases dripping off of him. Oh, on the airplane? In Italia.

Oh, my God. Prince Charles, is this you? This is me, man. I loaded this document. Loaded the document. Prince Charles has been making, I didn't make a headline for this, mommy issues. Prince Charles has been making regular morning visits to the Queen at Balmoral as she continues to suffer mobility problems. They are a sign of the Prince of Wales concern for his mother as unplanned visits between households on the estate are highly unusual and that grabbed my attention i'm like because really

any visits between mothers and children are so rare in england any like oh i'm here to say hi yeah right so this has to be well yeah especially when you ship your kid off to boarding school at seven and it's like okay i'll see you after puberty kicks in oh any issue a kid has it's like, OK, I'll see you after puberty kicks in. Oh, any issue a kid has, it's like, carry on, chin up, carry on. Yep. The 96-year-old monarch is not expected to travel the 1,000-mile round trip from Balmoral to appoint a new prime minister next month. and then the traditional public welcoming party for the queen when she arrived at Balmoral was also moved behind closed doors and she has not been seen at church on Sundays since she arrived. Do you think that Prince Charles showed up with a sign that said

happy 100th birthday to the queen? 106th birthday to the queen? I don't know. I'm starting to get scared. I hope she didn't hook up with that Italian dude. I mean, I'm also imagining how all the two of those people in a room,

I just get awkward thinking about it, even if she's not sick. And I mean, how painfully awkward must the visits be now? He's like, yeah, so... Oh, so, hmm. Oh, hey, Mom, remember that time you killed my ex-wife in the tunnel? We never really talked about that. You remember, Mumsy.

You and her didn't really jibe. You didn't kick off. Oh, let's change the subject. How's your brother Phillip? Oh, that's not a good one, Mom. Uncle Phillip's in the doghouse, Mumsy. Oh, and Mom, I forgot. I never paid you.

You won the pool on how Black Harry's baby would do. Oh. And Mumsy, I got the ancestor DNA results back. Turns out you and Papa are twins. 40 servants just awkwardly staring at this conversation. Yeah. The lab sent a warning that if we reproduce with any more royals,

the baby will come out with one eye and no skin. Just a fucking splooge of flesh will come out. Kind of what's coming out of the Italian gentleman about now. Yeah. A Pennsylvania man was charged with abuse of a corpse, receiving stolen property and other charges after police say he allegedly tried to buy stolen human remains from an Arkansas woman

for possible resale on Facebook. What? A spokesman confirmed the remains were to be donated to the University of Arkansas and that they were instead stolen by a woman from the mortuary services. And they announced charges against 40-year-old Jeremy Lee Pauly of Enola, Pennsylvania. Jesus, look at him. We'll post a picture of this guy. He's got spikes coming out of his head, like metal spikes.

Half his face is tattooed. His lips are all filled with metal. He's got those earlobe things. Literally half his face, the right side of his face, straight down. The only thing, well, even his eyebrow

and under his eyebrow is tattooed. Half his chin. It looks like his eyeball. He's got something going on in his eyeball, too, on the right side. And that has to be, i'm assuming that's a police mugshot yes uh on on a facebook page under his name he posted pictures of bags of and stacks

of femurs he said they were legally acquired when first contacted by the police there was also three five gallon buckets containing assorted body parts, including of children. He told investigators he intended to resell the body parts and that he arranged to pay the Arkansas woman $4,000. Facebook did not respond to messages seeking comments on Pauly's pages. However, its community standards prohibit human exploitation and explicitly prohibit selling body parts through its commercial policies and advertising thing. Yeah, I know Facebook has I know they have a no nudity rule, but that should only be for live body parts. A dead tit. That's an artifact. You can look at a dead tit.

It's we shouldn't single out Facebook. He also uses Torso Book and Femur Book. I know. But how detailed does Facebook's policies have to get? Listen, guys, no, we didn't think of this first. No selling buckets of bones, okay? We forgot to specify buckets of bones. That's on us. Our lawyers have told us.

Also, what's up with a bucket of bones? I have so many questions. But even when you buy a comic book on Facebook or wherever, there is more care and preservation. They're in sealed bags. They're bragging about baseball cards. They're bragging about how the corners aren't bent. This guy has a bucket of femurs and child parts. Yeah.

Buckets are for range balls, golf range balls. They're for crabs. Yeah. Crabs. They're not for body parts. And by the way, his prices, I looked at the prices way out of line. A nose and an ear will cost you an arm and a leg. Come on.

He trades. Now, also, telling the police I legally acquired, what does legally acquiring body parts look like? Honest question. Well, I looked it up and it said that there

are no specific laws in certain states about acquiring dead body parts. It's a little hazy. It's a hazy area of the law. All right. I just heard a story about in some rural area, it was when I was in Tennessee and a deer fell and got hurt and broke its neck, but it was still alive. This is keep in mind in Tennessee, a nightmare about what to do with it because it's not hunting season. So you can't shoot it and put it out of its misery. And I

guess it's a wild animal and it's not yours. I guess it was your animal. You could anyway. So they had to call all this red tape. And then finally it got permission because they also didn't want it like to go to waste. Like, you know, people could eat it or at least do something with this poor beast. And so finally, anyway, they arranged to shoot it. And the reason you have to go through all of it is to get it processed. There's tons of rules on processing a dead animal, and you have to have the permit or the permission to shoot it to get it tagged. And it can only be processed if it's tagged. So anyway, I think there's a lot of concern about disease. There's a lot of concern about the processing.

They want to know when all that like. And now we're talking about human body parts. So like your brother dies. I don't think you can be like, I'm selling parts. I don't think. No, I think obviously you've got got science classes that are going to want corpses to do studies on and teach. Right. So maybe you just need to be certified to get them.

But then I think in some states, it's just hazy about... Denman was starting to write something down, but then he deleted it. I'm not sure what that was. Well, Denman got a new idea now. Like, all right, listen, my brother fell, broke his neck. I need to shoot him. Right, right. It's a 72nd term abortion.

And also, like, he had children's body parts, which you wonder, would those be more expensive because they're more tender or is it less expensive because they're smaller? I think they have to be. It's like, listen, I need a femur. And he's like, well, I have a nine-year-old. And I'm like, will it grow? He's like, yeah, yeah, it'll grow.

It'll grow. I'm like, because I am going to be walking in circles for at least a couple of years you're sure it's gonna grow yeah it's it's like a cactus uh a starfish kidnapping do we want to do this story yeah sure man all right a jury on tuesday convicted two men of conspiring to kidnap the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, in 2020, delivering swift verdicts in a plot that was broken up by the FBI and described as a rallying cry for a U.S. civil war by anti-government extremists. Fox and Croft, who faced sentences of life in prison, just stared as the jury read the verdicts. During close arguments Monday, a prosecutor had a blunt message. No one can strap on an AR-15 rifle and body armor and snatch a governor. But I love that that's

become the baseline in our fucking democracy. Let's remind ourselves, people, you can't take a machine gun and snatch a governor. And, you know, tell your kids. But that wasn't the defendant's ultimate goal. They wanted to set off a second American civil war, something that they called the Boogaloo. And they wanted to do it for a long time before they settled on Governor Whitmer. All right. Boogaloo? Guys, you need a better name. Yeah. I mean, all the planning they went through, all the logistics, the planned out vision, and yet the title, the working title is still Boogaloo? Yeah.

Boogaloo is a better name for what's about to happen to these guys in prison. Double Boogaloo. Yeah, right, right. Death by Boogaloo. You guys are going to be the boogaloo boys. I can tell you that now. I think that was... Wasn't that the old joke about the guys, they're

explorers in some... Bunga Bunga Bunga? Oh, that was Bunga Bunga, yeah. It's something like that. Yeah. Well, you might as well tell it. Well, I'll tell it. So they're explorers and they're going through the jungle and they get captured by the natives. And,

uh, and they say to the guys, yeah, there's two guys. And he goes, uh, you can either, uh,

get, uh, Bunga Bunga or we'll put you to death. And the one guy goes, well, I'll take, uh, Bunga Bunga,

I guess. And so they all fuck them up the ass, the whole tribe. And then, uh, the, the second guy, they go, what do you want? Death or Bunga Bunga, I guess. And so they all fuck him up the ass, the whole tribe. And then the second guy, they go, what do you want, death or Bunga Bunga? And he goes, I'll take death. And they go, okay, death by Bunga Bunga!

And then they all fuck him up the ass. It's such a young boy's joke or a young man's joke because it's like, I see my guy who's alive who just had anal sex, which some men pay for, and I would rather die. Yes. Yeah, exactly. That's the joke's premise. Yeah.

Yeah. If you were in that situation what would you choose i mean assuming they would really put you to death and i'm talking i'm talking 30 guys from the tribe would all fuck you up the ass one after the other do i have to pay all of them just tips they work for tips tips for tips It doesn't sound like a gentle lover tribe. That's, I guess the gist of this, uh,

story, but, uh, hopefully I'd get them after they got you. If we were the two there and maybe they'd be a little, although it would last longer, but no, I was just going to say,

you want the first pop, not the second one. Yeah. Maybe pop just lasts 30 seconds. With these guys, they've been in the jungle. I'm sensing a spinoff podcast where all we talk about is Bunga Bunga. Yeah.

Yeah. A woman who was suspicious about her father-in-law making frequent visits to her bedroom. Right out of the gate. I love this story. So do I i found out that her fears were not unfounded when she found out that her father-in-law was indeed going into her room for her cat to masturbate harold stanley curtain dean 66 is facing animal sex charges for the incident

which was caught on video the woman set up a blink indoor security camera in the couple's bedroom. The next day, while out, she began getting notifications that there was activity. She caught the guy walking into the bedroom. And I love how they write this. This is like a Penthouse Forum article. He was caught walking into the bedroom,

then walking towards the bed where the couple's calico cat, Callie, was sleeping. He put his hand on his crotch and picked up the cat. He grabbed the cat by its sides and then repeatedly thrust himself against the cat. You could see that his penis was outside of the zipper fly of his pants as he walked around the bed. What's the cat wearing pants for? All right, go ahead. Sorry. He continued to masturbate for a short time and then left the room. I mean, look, when asked about why he has sex with the cat, he played it off as, quote,

just a guy thing. Don't pin this on guys. You know, oppressing women is a guy thing. Okay, I'll take that. Not talking about feelings is a guy thing. Fucking a cat is a Harold Stanley thing. There's so much going on in this story. However, he told the trooper that he did it to piss off his stepson and stepdaughter-in-law.

How about hide the remote? You want to piss them off? Plant a condom in the son's pants and throw it in the hamper. Start a rumor in the neighborhood that they're swingers. Don't fuck their cat. Jesus, even jerk off on her pillow. I mean, it's super aggressive, but leave the cat out of it. her pillow. I mean, it's super aggressive, but leave the cat out of it. Kenderline said that the cat hair felt good and ultimately reminded the trooper that he didn't actually penetrate the cat.

He has been charged with having sexual intercourse with an animal and cruelty to animals. Oh, my God. All right. First of all, that the cat continues to nap there, I think the cat is asking for it a little. I think the cat is totally asking for it. Yeah. I mean, I know that's not a great defense. No, cats are huge flirts. First of all, look what they're wearing. You've got to factor in what she's wearing.

The cat. The cat's totally nude. Yeah. Yeah. nude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, have some respect. There's a grown man walking in with an erection. You should put some cat clothes on.

Yes. And stop calling yourself pussy. What do you expect guys to do? We love pussy. Now, oddly, and this is actually being serious, oddly, this woman, the stepdaughter-in-law or whatever, she must have been a little relieved because she had to assume that she now was wearing panties that this guy just stuffed with his stuff and went to town or that he was having gang bangs with her shoes. That had to be what she was thinking. Yes. Maybe this is a relief. I don't

know. Well, this this prompted a private browser search on my part. And I found this quote. Only four states, Hawaii, New Mexico, West Virginia and Wyoming, do not have laws that formally prohibit sexual abuse of animals, traditionally known as bestiality. The act is often a punchline, but it's also a documented precursor to other serious offenses, including children as well as interpersonal violence and other forms of animal cruelty. So that is, I think there is also like in some states where it's with horses, I think there is also the danger of getting diseases that would spread from human to human after you've had sex with an animal.

Danman currently doing a Google travel search of Hawaii right now. Yeah, exactly. Wait, I looked up something else on it too. Oh yeah. It's under my private browsing. So it's not there. Let me see if it was worth anything. Oh no. There was a story about, oh yeah, Wyoming. There's a big problem with sex with horses in Wyoming. That's all. Well, you know that there is a private browser. This is not urban legend. There was a time when you had to wear your pants outside of your boots in Wyoming because the cowboys were taking the sheep's back legs and stuffing them into their boots and then fucking them up the ass. Did you ever hear that?

Not up the ass. I think in the vagina. I heard they did that with women. No, wait. So what is it? You're arrested if your jeans are inside your boots? Yep. It is the sexiest look.

Yeah. Is that why the Village People guy did it? Yeah, I think he had really wide boots, big enough for another man's size 10 to fit inside his boots. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. Did he just write the first Black Mirror episode as my favorite, or did you write that?

No, he wrote that. What's that? Oh, my God. Just go see it. It's the first one, episode one. I saw it. I don't remember it. It's about the mayor of London or the prime minister, the leader, I think.

Oh, right. Prime minister. Sorry. Yes. Right, right, right. He lived at 10 Downing. I think. Oh, prime minister. Sorry. Yes. Right. Right. He lived at 10 Downing prime minister. I'm not going to read the rest of what he wrote because that's a little bit of a spoiler. It's about the prime minister. It's related to the topic we're talking about. And it's crazy.

Yeah, it is. I know a lot of people that was like a test for whether or not you could handle Black Mirror. They just told you out of the gate. Here's here's what this show is. I know. I think I would have fought and not had that on there. I think a lot of I'm watching like I can't get people to watch, believe it or not, Breaking Bad, because sometimes the first few are rough. Yeah. And they think that's and I'm like i remember even telling my dad i'm like god you know i don't know i can't remember when it was but it's like season two let's say breaking bad or later in season one it becomes a family drama about divorce like i'm like and he doesn't believe me at all of course there's the backstory of are these thugs gonna kill him and stuff but

it then just became so multifaceted. It wasn't as simple. You can't write it off as a drug show with violence and gangs. Well, it's the same with Game of Thrones. Oh, right. That's a perfect example. Yeah, because I don't like fantasy and sci-fi and all that shit. And then you realize it's like so much more.

It's about the relationships. It's about betrayal, loyalty. I'm surprised. I'm surprised the incest in episode one didn't grab you. Yeah, my sister does look good. She looks good. All right. Good news for Govans.

Good news for Govans. So we really didn't have anything in this section this week but dennis uh very forcefully said i should share this story because maybe it vindicates him a little bit because of what he did to me i apologize that it's a golf story but it doesn't matter it golf. Insert whatever you do where you are having probably gambling a lucky streak. We went out and a guy joined our party this week and was kind of having an incredible round. Right. And we finished five and he just got like another birdie. And you could tell by a swing and and a lot of things that he wasn't that good. You know what I mean?

Like that this was probably like amazing. So he's a stranger and we're friendly. And so I go, dude, you know, we're walking after you just buried. I go, you must be having the round of your life. And he's like, yeah, yeah. And I hear Gubbins like, shh, shh. And I'm like, oh. And I'm just being honest.

I'm like, oh, is this like a no-no type thing? Like where you don't eat? You can't even give a compliment? No, you never say that. You never say that. It's like when a pitcher is having a no-hitter. Right. You say he's in the dugout.

You don't talk to him. He fell apart. Yeah. You fucked him. You fucked him. But I love all this stupid sport. I love all the superstitious people. Like, I can't give this guy, I mean, obviously it gets in his head in some way,

but it was just a compliment. I didn't tell him to try my driver. I didn't tell him like Dennis did to me. You know what you got to do? You got to imagine hitting the ball into the ground, which is exactly what I did. Right. Now, I remember we were playing with my daughter and her ex-boyfriend and his brother and the boyfriend's brother.

And I said to the brother, because they were fucking with each other, and I said, ask him if he inhales or exhales on his backswing. And so he said it to him. And then my daughter's boyfriend fucking shanked one. And then he kicked his brother in the balls on the tee. Oh, all you have to do any sport, you could just bring up a little thought. Like, do you squeeze, do you squeeze your left hand or right hand harder? Like, forget it. Right. As soon as you think about that, it was a, was a, was on fire at the party, by the way,

he was at, he was at my, I don't want to call it a party because then people who weren't there will feel excluded. No, it was a dinner for your mom. It was just a barbecue. We had a dozen people for a barbecue. Well, most of them were kids, actually. You didn't even have nearly a dozen adults, I don't think. No, we had my son had a couple friends. He's got great friends. I love my

son's friends. Oh, there you are. They're awesome. We got to go to that bar in Chautauqua or wherever it is, West Channel. Yeah. The, um, which is a party. So the, uh, what was I going to say? Oh, I came in with this nice, if I don't say so myself, nice bouquet of flowers. The best part was everyone put your mom to work, cutting up the flowers, finding vases. We lost your mom for 15 minutes because of my gift. So I felt, but anyway, that, so then I'm totally outdone.

Dennis enters the party. He is walking up with the biggest grin up to your mom with a beautiful potted plant. Like he has two, he has, he has to use two arms to carry it. And then we learned he got it off your front porch. Yeah.

I go, Dennis, I was so nice to you to bring that. And he goes your front porch. Yeah, Dennis, that was so nice of you to bring that. He goes, front porch. Let's do some entertainment, even though we already kind of started it. We did start it already. Well, we talked about... Incest.

Game of Thrones. The follow-up started, did you watch it Incest. Game of Thrones. The follow-up started late. Did you watch it last Sunday, House of the Dragons? I didn't watch it yet. What? It's not by design, because you know I resisted Game of Thrones forever. And then the New York Times popped up some little alert and said, if you watched one a day now, you'd be caught up by

the final season, which I should have stopped watching before the final season. But so that's what I did. And oh, my God, I got so into it. At one point, I remember saying they could split this show in three and do and focus on like three families per show. Let's say nine. Yeah. And all three would be the top three shows on TV. Right, right, right. I know. So this new one, no spoilers.

I'll just say that they ease you into it. There's a little bit of action, but it's mostly about character. They're introducing you to some people. And I'm predicting episode two tonight

will blow up. I think they're going to shake it up a little bit and some shit's going to happen i'm surprised they didn't do the formula where you really shake it up at the end of the first episode you know like that's always been my goal because i just see that that's what works you know like big big change You need because too many times a pilot is in TV, not this, but like in in like my shitty TV world, a pilot is neatly resolved like a story is like, oh, well, that's great. You know, but you need that. Oh, fuck. I got to watch episode two. Right. Well, they don't have that. And there's also not like what like Game of Thrones. It's also not like Game of Thrones.

I mean, when you see Khaleesi for the first time or you see the redheaded woman, you kind of go like, or Jon, Starks, you're just like, oh, I need to know everything about this character. I am in. There wasn't really that character in this series yet unless they just haven't developed them enough but we'll see we'll we'll check in next week all the nerds haven't had a heard of things since you said starks instead of stark so um okay the rehearsal all right i finally watched it okay

didn't watch all of it but i saw the first four episodes. Oh, fuck. Really? Well, look, I got house guests this week. I got house guests this week. But I'll tell you what, I'm totally into it. And I also don't think you should watch too many in a row of that show. You got to think about it a little bit. And I found it troubling. I found it really like it really kind of probes human psyche in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

Then maybe you shouldn't watch the last one. Oh, shit. Yeah, because I feel whatever that feeling is when you're you're feeling guilty. whatever that feeling is when you're, you're feeling guilty. You know what I mean? Like, uh, when you're watching something like something's wrong, but maybe it's tapping into something universal. So maybe you transfer that on yourself. You know what I mean? I don't know what that is. Like if you're seeing something about a dad fucking up, right. And that's not this I'm saying in general, I don't know why you then feel a little like bad, you know, but even before you have kids. So, but I don't know though. I think this is closer to you and me. I think he's, he does what we do. Uh, he's on, I think he might be on, I've met him and he's unbelievably nice.

Yeah. Uh, I think he's, um, uh, I think he might be a little bit on the spectrum. I think you could safely say that, but I think he's, you know, I, I guess you could, uh, you think we are a little like, I mean, as long as we can get a focus on something, sometimes we'll use jokes in a, in a compulsive way, not high energy compulsive, but just an unavoidable way instead of emotion. You might even, you might be better at it than I, because you've done so much work. But I don't know. There's things I'm relating to him, oddly, a lot. And it doesn't feel good.

No, it does not feel good. And I feel like in some ways I have spectrum-y attributes, but I also maintain maniacal eye contact, as you know. And I think spectrum-y people can't make eye contact. I think you, I think there's some weird quality to your eye. I can't believe when you're making eye contact with me and I occasionally check up, because I don't really love eye contact. I love eye contact when I'm listening.

But when I'm talking, I don't know how people do it. Because when I think I, I I'm looking at nothing, you know what I mean? Right. And I guess someone could say, yeah, you usually look up to the left or right. And I guess there's all these, uh, indicators of what that means. But, um, yeah, your eye contact is like a dead shark or a live shark that's just staring at you in an unnerving way. And I'm like, he's not listening. He's thinking about something as he's wide eyed staring right through my eyes. It's how I compensate for the fact that I'm not really listening. Yeah. It's why I'm not in a room with you.

I think that's the big explanation. Yeah. It's a Trojan horse. My stare is a trojan horse um okay what's chris writing because it is this is uh germane he says how about when he's not frozen and we think it's he's glitching oh yeah i had somebody accused me during a podcast of having my internet frozen and it was like no no no that's just my facial expression when I'm listening. Yes, I think that's why there's a great built-in thing you do, which is shake your knee, because that's when I can tell,

like, oh, oh, it's not frozen. Yeah, it was Kyle Kinane accused me of that. Oh, that's funny. He's great. It says here, he also wrote, Fielder, he's not officially autistic. Stuff about him studying Asperger's for the character online, nothing definitive. I don't know what that means. All right, I'm going to go on a deep dive after this. He studied Asperger's to present more like that?

Because, all right, how far along are you? There's only six episodes. I've seen four. Okay. All right. It hasn't really, what I'm talking about hasn't really started yet. Okay. So four, I didn't, four was the Fielder method.

Yes. Which all I did was thank God I wasn't stoned when I watched that episode. Yeah. Because there were so many layers. I literally paused it and like drew out with my hands. I'm like, all right, wait, there's reality. Then there's one rehearsal level here. Now there's another one here. By the way, I could not give a single goddamn thing

about this away, so don't worry if you're listening. But I literally had to, with my hands, visualize how many layers were going on. Yeah. But five and six have a different quality. Okay. Here's a story about a rapper. Oh, wait.

The Bowie movie I wanted. Have you seen the trailer? There's a Bowie movie? There is a big Bowie movie coming. I don't know if it's good. I don't. In fact, I'm just calling it the Bowie movie. I don't know a thing about it. Okay.

You hear his voice. You see him. But then I think I also see an actor. I might be wrong. It's hard to tell because he's always, you know, in costume and character very often. So I don't even know if it's a documentary. I don't

know what this thing is. But it looks pretty interesting. I didn't see the Elvis thing yet. Did you see that? No, and I really want to. You know, you can stream it now. I think it sounds like something you've got to go into with an open mind. It's not VH1's Behind the Music.

It's not going to be like a linear biography. It's going to be like an impressionistic take on the Elvis persona, which I'm into. I can do that. I felt like that about the Elton John movie. It's not going to be straightforward. This is an artist's take on Elton John, and I thought it was great. Yeah, and it's Baz Luhrmann, and he is over the top, but I kind of like him because he is that, and I'm accepting that, like you're saying. Chris just wrote down, Moonage Daydream. Neon has unveiled the full trailer for the upcoming David Bowie.

Oh, it's a documentary, Moonage Daydream. It has all his songs in it. Okay, good. So I didn't see an actor. Officially sanctioned by the Music Legends estate. Okay. Well, I wonder if there's reenactments. Maybe that's what I'm seeing. And it could be Bowie that I'm seeing. I've only seen parts of Trails. It's like on Instagram.

I'm watching like a one-inch- Well, that's what you get with Sunday Papers. It's just clips and half-thought-out fragments of information thrown together like a news show. Getting back to The King, Ben Hoffman, Wheeler Walker Jr. Ben Hoffman is very critical in general, and especially of music stuff. And he kind of liked it. And he knows he got married. I went to the wedding at Graceland.

And so I think I might stand a chance of liking it because I don't need to be taught about Sun Records. I don't need my hand held as it goes through stuff. So it sounds like it might have explored kind of one part of Elvis, Elvis's life that might have been interesting. You know, obviously the colonel plays a big role with Tom Hanks. So I'm psyched to see it. All right. Let's skip this fake rapper one and go down to... Although I love that story.

I will say it was an AI rapper. Maybe we'll save it for next week. Yeah, let's save it for next week. But I think it brings up tremendous philosophical questions. Yes, I do too. Make America Florida. You got it, pal.

Where is it? Right here. Your story, man. A homeless Florida man with no arms has been arrested for stabbing a tourist with scissors using his feet. Again, this is in Florida. feet. Again, this is in Florida. Jonathan Dale Crenshaw, a homeless artist from South Beach, was arrested Tuesday and charged with aggravated battery after he allegedly stabbed Cesar Coronado, a visiting tourist from Chicago. Well, the most shocking thing is his toenails didn't do most of the damage. It was the scissors. Yeah, I can't imagine

the pedicure on this guy is very good. Also impressive is he's a lefty, and I don't know if you know, Greg, but do you know how hard it is to find lefty toe scissors?

Oh, God. Almost impossible. Yeah, yeah. Was this a Monty Python sketch? It's just a flesh wound. It's about a scratch. Then he loses a leg. I'm guessing he went right for the guy's

arms, trying to make it a fair fight. Yeah. If I can get his arms off, I got some experience here. The tourist, shame on him a little. He should have thought twice before insulting his incredibly intricate origami that he cut with his toe scissors. Yeah, right.

He should have seen how good this guy was. Yeah. With the scissors. International. Yes. A 17-year-old pilot became the youngest person to fly solo around the world in a small aircraft after he landed on Wednesday in Bulgaria, where his journey kicked off five months ago. Mac Rutherford, a Belgian-British dual national,

completed his task to claim two Guinness World Records, along with becoming the youngest person to fly around the world by himself. Rutherford is the youngest person to circumnavigate the globe in a micro-flight plane. Just follow your dreams, he said, no matter how old you are. Work hard and move forward to achieve your goals, he said after he stepped out of the aircraft. He also set the record for switching the radio station the most times in five months. Tough finding classic rock in the Sahara.

He shattered another record too, which is throwing the most splooge-soaked tissues out of a plane window. Right, right. And you know, this is more amazing when you take into account, he had to have the plane home by 11 every night. Okay.

So I went in. I dug a little deeper in this story, which is true. And where is it? Let me find it. It's on another page. Here we go. So this is a quote on CNN.com.

He smashed two world records, as you stated, previously held by his older sister, Zara, as the youngest person to fly around the world solo and the youngest to do it in that microlight aircraft. Okay.

I mean, what a dick move. What a dick move. You can't let me have anything. I mean, that's your drive. When you're, they said some of the legs were 11 hours of low altitude flying.

And what's keeping you awake? Just erasing your sister from the record books. Yeah, yeah. Just putting an asterisk on your sister's name. There's a picture in the story, and he's just got out of the plane, and he's holding up in each hand the two Guinness World Record plaques

that they met him at the tarmac with, and that's what it is. And I'm surprised he didn't go. Give me the one that crosses out my sister's name also. Does she give her plaques back? She has to, right? No, they just write in women under the record. Longest women's flight.

What a complete D-bag. Total dick move. All right, let's get to sports. You got it. Here we go. All right. A couple allegedly engaged in a sex act in the stands at the Oakland A's game on Sunday. Two fans were accused of going at it at some point during their game against the Mariners when a spectator in another part of the stadium captured the two getting it on in one of the last rows of the venue. Well, if your seats are that shitty, what else are you going to do? Have you seen it?

I did not see it. Sometimes you really have to use the word allegedly. This is what's not alleged. He is, I mean, the whole section, and by section I mean tier, like the whole overhang, the very top part of left field is empty. They're in the last row. So the nearest person I'm going to say is another level down and probably 50 rows away. I mean, like, I don't even know.

I don't even know how many rows. So anyway, they are up there all alone. She he's sitting back with a shit eating grinating grin, and he's manspread, and his arms are out, and she is kneeling facing him, bobbing her head into his crotch. None of what I said is allegedly. That's on tape. Right. I mean, think what you will, I guess.

Well, the footage appears to show the woman performing oral sex on the man for several seconds. Several seconds. That shows the commitment of a typical Mariners fan. Wait, were they Mariners or A's? They were Mariners? The game was at the Mariners stadium, but they were playing against the Oakland A's. No, I think it was Oakland. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, you're right. Oakland Police Department. Oakland has smashed low attendance records this year. Well, they've got the worst record in the American League. Yeah, no, makes sense. An Oakland Police Department spokesman said cops are aware of the allegations and have launched a probe into the matter. Sounds like the guy in the stands already launched a probe, too.

And her face. What about the Karen filming it? Just leave them alone. Yeah, right? Do you see that now everyone goes up to those seats and they bring signs i put the photo in there that's so funny there three dudes are holding these big signs one says these seats suck the other one is kind of the swish logo and it says just blow it they're not the best signs but i do like the third guy's sign. Keep your head in the game.

Yeah. Which, by the way, is the only way I could sit through an A's game. If it's blowjob day, there's bat day, there's helmet day. If it's blowjob day, that's the only time you're going to catch me at a fucking Oakland A's game. It was bobblehead night. See? There you go.

I'm sorry. I almost said it. I only said BR. Do not dead name this athlete. Caitlyn Jenner has been very vocal on her opposition to trans women, or as she calls them, biological boys in athletics.

She's really something. Also, boys is not a PC word. No. We're not supposed to say girls describing women. Competitive swimmer Leah Thomas has been an especially hot topic for her, saying that the swimmer lacked, quote, responsibility and integrity for competing against women. However, when it comes to golf,

a sport that Jenner has competed against women in since coming out, it's apparently totally different. She told Fox News that she fully supports trans golfer Haley Davidson competing in the ladies PGA Tour next year. She's playing within the rules. She said golf is a totally different game. It is a game of touch and feel. Yeah, I think Caitlin would love to do some touching and feeling back in the clubhouse. Listen, first of all,

if she's wanting to become a professional golfer, Caitlyn should start identifying as a Korean woman. Yes. Let's just give yourself a fighting chance. Right. I think she also feels that trans women should be allowed to kill people. Are you saying she drives like a Korean woman?

I wouldn't say that. By the way, how guilty was she? Did she dodge a bullet with that killing? She paid three parties. She did? Yeah. killing like she paid she paid she paid three parties she did yeah she pled she pled guilty as a woman driver and then paid three of the parties and it was terrible and i am in no way making light of the tragedy the target is accurately caitlin jner. So what was it? She hit a car on the PCH? Is that what it was?

Allegedly, and maybe this isn't alleged, but I'm going to say allegedly, she might have been texting and driving, whatever. She was driving on the PCH very quickly. Car stopped in front of her. She smashed into the car. I believe, whatever, I think this is all what happened, per the police report. The car she hit went into oncoming traffic. That car, there was a death, I mean, and then, and injury. And I think it was a younger person who died, too, I believe.

And so, anyway, that car got very damaging. And I think a car behind that one then hit, I believe. Wow. No, not good at all. So, yeah, no, it's tragic. But listen, the story is perfectly, the story we just read about golf is perfectly, Caitlin, because here it was, Jennifer's SUV rear-ended. Jenner's. Sorry. Jenner's SUV rear-ended two cars

pushing the Lexus into oncoming traffic and also hitting a Prius. The Lexus driver, 69-year-old Kim Hatt, was killed when her car was struck head-on by a Hummer. Wow, that's poor luck. Investigators had found that Jenner was driving unsafely for the prevailing road condition.

She faced up to a year in county jail. So a younger person was definitely hurt, though. Anyway, but back to golf, it's all about Caitlin. So no matter what, like, it's all about her. She's going to have double standards. She's not going to be consistent. She's going to ask for complete understanding and acceptance of everybody. And then also be against gay marriage. Like nothing

is surprising when you start to look at it, like there's many standards and all of them have to serve her. Right now she's really something else, uh, in business. Let's do some businesses real quick yeah yeah of course and where's the here we go where's the business section there it is yeah is this me it's you uh oh oh we're skipping science uh science all right oh dow drops a thousand points thousand points Friday. So here's my little reminder. Everyone is freaking out. Everyone is complaining. And I decided these are my statistics. I looked them up. Anyone can do it. You just call up charts. So this thousand point drop, I don't know what it was, what they say it dropped 2% or 3% on Friday or something. And people have been really worried about the last week and the last month. OK, the Dow over the last five years, the Dow is up 48% in two years. This is all including Friday. Two years, it's up almost 13%, including Friday. The S&P is up 20% over the last two years. This is like getting seven blackjacks in a row and then getting a 22 and shitting your fucking diaper. Right. Like just

apoplectic. It's ridiculous to me. I'm glad you wrote that because that actually calmed me down because I lost about 25 or 30% of my savings in the last few months. Okay. So here. Freaking out. So people like you, you ready? Here's a great example. I looked this up. I put these stats together as well. The NASDAQ, it's down 16% over the last year, 16% over the last year. But including this 16% dip, it's up 102% over the last five years. Still, you are still up 105% or 100, whatever, 102%. And over the last two years, including being down 16% in the last year, over the last two years, you still have to go cash in your chips because you're still up 8%.

Well, for people that are freaking out, my sister has a recommendation for a bond. It's a Treasury. Treasury Direct is the site you go to, and it's the Series 1 Savings Bond. It's paying 9.4%. I think you have to hold it for five years, and there's a $10,000 max. Wait a minute.

But it's a guaranteed 9.4%. Wait a minute. Why wouldn't everybody put a million dollars in that if they had it? Because you can only put in $10,000. Oh, I thought it was minimum. No, maximum $10,000. You could I thought it was minimum. No, maximum 10,000. You could do it for each kid and everything? Yep.

I'm going to do it. No, Warren Buffett was once answering questions, and some woman goes, like, if I could get a guy, and I know he was making a very, you know, a comment on guaranteed. But she was like, well, you know, if I could get like a guaranteed, something like 4% or whatever. And he interrupted her. He's like, wait, tell me where that is. I will put, I will sell everything and put it in that.

Yeah. And that's Warren Buffett. Well, bonds reflect inflation and interest rates. And so they're high right now. They were nothing. Bonds were paying fucking one percent for a long time. So also all you goddamn babies out there. First of all, there's a culture of expecting something for nothing. I know I sound like a 90 year old man who was on Norm, you know, in Normandy. But there's a culture of expecting something for nothing. And also this entitlement. And when money's taken back, that's part of being in the casino, which is what it is.

So anyway, for all the crybabies, including the 1,000-point drop on Friday, all three indices I've been talking about, NASDAQ, S&P, and the Dow, are up over the last month. Wow. No shit. That was actually the most surprising one. Yeah, there were some really good days in the last few weeks. Right. So anyway, there you go. Let's do some letters to the editor, Mike.

Okay. All right. This is from Jeffrey Nelson. I had asked about, are Adderall and meth the same thing? He said they are very similar. This guy is a doctor. He said they're very similar. That means I'm on meth right now. because it is a methyl group, a small molecule, attached to the amphetamine that allows it to rapidly cross into the brain and hits you much quicker, quickly. Add in that with meth, you are smoking, injecting, or putting it up your ass, Mike style.

Wait, hold on. I'm taking notes. Say that last part again. As opposed to swallowing Adderall, and you can see why it hits harder. And then this is from Jacob. Wait a minute. Did I talk over his criticism of me, his little dig at me? Love you both. Look forward to the show every week.

Would love to see you play a show in Memphis. Thank you both. Jeffrey Nelson, MD. He said, putting it up your own ass Mike style. Oh, yeah. he said putting it up putting it up your own ass mike style oh uh this is from jacob uh you spoke about it the inmate who died of a meth overdose and joked that the woman should have put it right in his butt instead of his mouth turns out this route of administration is actually quite popular amongst those who ingest psychoactive substances recreationally. It's known as boofing. The anus and rectum have a very high capillary density,

and the walls of the rectum are highly permeable. Capillaries are the vessels which nutrient substances are able to enter the bloodstream. The substance also does not have to pass through the digestive tract before entering the bloodstream, so it's saved from stomach acid that might break down the drug and deplete its psychoactive effect. This route is thus ideal for maximizing the impacts of whatever chemicals are inserted through the chocolate starfish. I love that. He was such a scientist till the end. That's fucking great. Well, I bragged about my, you know, I only take Ambien sublingually.

I chew it into a little bit of dust and right under the tongue. And whoa, is that fast. What, with Adderall? It's instant. No, Ambien. Oh, with Ambien. No shit. It doesn't taste bitter?

Dude, no, I've told this story before. We used to have a saying, like, people would come into the writer's room and say, no, I feel good, under the tongue, dude. Under the tongue, dude, was our saying, because all the writers who can't shut off the I'm never going to work again voice at night would seem, seemingly, the whole writer's room on the Ben show was on Ambien. And we figured out you could take a tiny amount, just chew it up. Like, I take half of a five.

Like, that's like a baby aspirin size, and chew it up under the tongue. Wow. Jacob ends by saying, maybe try it next time you pop an Adderall before the show and let us know how it feels in real time. I might do that. I might not do it before the show. Okay. Hey, by the way, regarding the capillaries down under, you know, that's one big survival, I think, thing. And we'll probably, I wonder if one of these guys can answer this.

My understanding is when you are dying of dehydration and you have no because you have novice, you have no water and you find a disgusting water source that you can wet something with that rancid water that is guaranteed to get you sick. And you put it up your bum, you boof it, you boof it and your body, your butt will absorb the water. But because you're just ingesting it that way, you won't get sick. No kidding. You won't get the microscopic organisms or maybe they're killed or I don't know. Or maybe you kill them with your with your boof hole. I don't know. Did you see that on an episode of Alone? I don't know. Or maybe you kill them with your with your booful. I don't know.

And an episode of Alone. I did see it on a outdoor survival show. Oh, yeah. All right. Anyway. And then this one comes from Mason. I love the shows. I was really happy when you started Sunday Papers with Mike. He was my favorite Fitz dog radio guest.

And you two together are so funny. Oh, I recently heard Mike on Craig Kilbourne's podcast. Can you extract some stories? Oh yeah. I cheated on you, Greg. I cheated on you. I know. I know. Uh, from Mike about the late, late show. My sense is that Craig and Mike have some different comedy sensibilities, but I would love to hear Mike's take on it. Um, I have one very, very quick story that I've told, but not in ages, but we did have very different sensibilities. And I love Craig. I think you do too. Like you, you know, the Craigers, I did a show a bunch of times. Oh, you know, him as the character,

he's a true character. And then it's always very tricky to tell where the persona ends and where the real Craig is. So anyway, but I remember once he did not like doing self-deprecating humor and I love self-deprecating humor. And the monologue jokes came in and you know, Ross Abrash really well. He was one of the monster monologue writers. We, Alex Sulkin, who's running Family Guy, Goldie. We had a murderer's row of writers in there. And then so many more, by the way. It's crazy how successful that staff has become. It really is.

Yeah. Billy Kimball was running the show, and he's a giant, giant brain as well. And he, I think, just won an Emmy for Veep or something. So anyway, the pile comes in, and it's like four or five, uh, you know, no, it's like eight pages, right? And he goes through and to his credit, he's a really hard read on monologue jokes. So I go, I have a really, really, I go, there's a really, really solid joke in there. And I stopped marking them because he would see my marks and it just raised the bar to like, it would have to be a home run. It's like, so I would undersell it by not marking it. And he

goes, let me guess what Gibby's favorite joke is. And this is over a hundred jokes. And he's like, I think I found it. I'm like, yep, that is it. He's like, yeah, I figured that was you. You know, it's self, it's smart. It's funny. It's self-deprecating. You know what, Gibby, today's your day for you. I'm going to do it. I'm like, listen, I just think it would help your other tone. And you know, your uppercuts will land even harder if you mix it up a little, right? Fine. There I am in the seat. I'm so psyched. It actually made it to prompter. He really means that he's going to read it. He reads the joke, which I don't remember, but he reads the joke and it destroys and it like kills. And he couldn't even wait till the laugh was over. And he stepped on the joke and it destroys and it like kills.

And he couldn't even wait till the laugh was over. And he stepped on the laugh and he looked right in the camera and he points to his face and goes, self-deprecating people, self-deprecating. I'm like, not anymore. Not anymore. He just. Not anymore. That just. Not anymore. That's great. Tim, Tim Z.

Dilley wrote in that Sunday Papers is near and dear to me. You and Mike got me through cancer treatments during the pandemic. So I'm clean and on the other side of cancer. So I want to extend my gratitude to you both for being there for me. When one survives cancer, you want to thank everyone who was there in support. In a funny way, you and Mike are in that group. Thank you for your support. Blah, blah, blah. You shouldn't say blah, blah, blah at the end of that note. Wait, he didn't. No, I did. You did. Yeah. You just blah, blah, blah to cancer guy. I know. I'm sorry, Tim. So anyway, I'm glad you're glad you jumped out a window.

Congrats, Tim. Glad we could help out in any way. Obituary. Let's do an obituary. I think Tim deserved a little more love there. Jesus, Tim, that's so nice of you to write. Sorry about what you went through. Jesus, Tim, that's so nice of you to write. Sorry about what you went through. I'm reading the blah, blah, blah part here. And his son turned him on to it? He said, hope to see you in San Francisco before the end of the year.

Hopefully you'll get that itch to record a live podcast up here. I'll bring the whole family for that. Yeah. I mean, listen, hopefully cancer doesn't come back and we'll see you there. What? Wait, blah, blah, blah was a better ending. No, Tim, that was really sweet. Holy shit.

Well, sorry you went through that, man. I think a gift for Tim would be if we did a live podcast from San Francisco. Maybe you bring a friend, Mike, with you and we go up there. Because why? You're bringing Aaron? Yeah. So I bring a friend. Yeah, that works out. All right. Maybe a little cancer kid. Maybe it's a make a wish. Do you want to meet a cancer survivor who's better than you? Here's Tim. We'll bring Tim up on stage, and we'll just give him a standing ovation for beating cancer. Wow. Well, thank you for thanking us. That's really sweet.

All right. Should we do an obituary right after the survivor? Let's skip and go right to the funnies. No, let's go right to the funnies. All right. Well, here we go. We got the Lockhorns. Leroy is coming out of his financial advisor's office looking at Loretta,

and he goes, he recommended we keep go bags ready in our basement. That's a good one. And then here's a great one. And then Loretta, they're at a restaurant and the waiter's taking their order. And Loretta goes, sorry for yelling. I'm used to ordering dinner through a speaker. These are solid, solid jokes. Fucking solid jokes.

Hag of the Horrible. Oh, yeah. Solid jokes. Solid jokes. Hag of the Horrible. Oh, yeah. Helga is talking to another woman who is arm in arm with a court jester. And Helga goes, what's it like being married to a jester?

And the woman goes, there are laughs every day. In the second frame, the jester is hugging her while three people laugh at the court jester. And she goes, but I've learned to ignore them. And it really made me think about what my wife goes through. A little bit, but this is a little different because you're not raping Aaron. That's true. I mean, did the jesters rape? Well, that's what I'm wondering. I think they all got, I mean, as we said, I think consensual sex is around 1968 or something. Yeah. But I'm wondering, but that, it's one thing being raped by a Viking, but when you're raped by the jester.

Yeah. That's a new low, I think. I think so. Yeah. That's a new low, I think. I think so, yeah. Because you know he's going to do jokes about it to the king later in the day. Also, I think he has to be the angriest. The jester has to be the angriest among all of them. There's a bit of the peshy, what am I, a clown? Right.

I think that— And they have to answer yes. The jesters were the ultimate comedians, though, because the stakes were a lot higher. Like if you go out in L.A. or San Francisco or Chicago, wherever, there's a million open mic nights. Any asshole, any advertising executive or burnout can get up there and tell a few jokes. And the worst thing that happens is you bomb. The court jester was the ultimate comedian because if you bombed they killed you that was a fucking confident performer

i wonder if that really it maybe it happened once i wonder if that was like standard also what a tough room, tough room. And then, you know, the thing that would really get them. And, and listen, we know we've cheered up, uh,

unhappy wives and unhappy people. And one of the ways you get them is to point out is to, to criticize them. Right. That's a big one to get it. Like, like, could you be any more depressing right

now or you know whatever it is you're gonna say to them that's a big swing with the king right right that is a big swing i think i may write a film script about a court jester i think that's fascinating but that would be good but but But it wouldn't be a straight-up comedy. I think it would be a real look at what that must have been like because that was a real fucking job. When you get stuck in Act 2 and you don't know where it's going and you don't think you have enough, here's my suggestion. All of a sudden, turn it a little, and he gets killed,

and he keeps getting second, third, fourth, fifth lives. And so he tries another way. Oh, yeah. That could be funny. That's good. I like that. No, but don't try that. It would be much more interesting if it was just that.

Maybe he's so good he keeps getting promoted up the chain to more powerful kings, like in the Roman Empire or something. Caesars. He's literally playing at Caesars at the end. All right. I didn't pick out a Charles Adams. I'm going to let you. Like a card trick, just tell me when to stop going like this.

Stop. All right. I don't really get it. I mean, I do a little. So it's a couple and they're at home and he bought an ace. It's kind of like Acme for, you know, like the Roadrunner. It's an ace exterminating company. Clearly they have a mouse problem and the wife made him get this.

And he does not look happy as he is putting on a cat uniform, which came in the exterminating company briefcase. That's hilarious. And he does not look happy again. It's about marital discord. And he's about to go in the kitchen and manually get that mouse. Yeah, I like it. And on the right, by the way, just on the other page, the facing page, it is the Addams family. I mean, there's Wednesday throwing a tantrum in bed.

Morticians come in and everything. And they go, oh, she's furious because they put her on the honor roll at school. Ah. All right, I guess. All right. Very unusual family, that Addams family. Speaking of unusual families, Dagwood's daughter walks into the kitchen. I should say Blondie's daughter because she's got Blondie's yellow hair and who knows who the father is.

You're hoping the same rack. Right. It's it's probably her. She walks in and she goes, hey, mom, have you seen my purse? Blondie, who's wearing a dark green skirt with a light green sweater. It's long sleeve, but it is fucking tight. And she goes, it's on the dining room table. And then the dopey son, who's definitely Dagwood's son, comes in.

Mom, do you know where my favorite blue shirt is? She goes, you left it hanging on the upstairs railing. Then the blue dog goes, er, er. And she goes, your chew toy is under the living room sofa. And I just think to myself, what a waste of a woman. This woman should be the CEO of a company. And then on weekends, she's shooting for Playboy. I mean, her life could be so full.

And instead, she's a fucking servant to these three losers. I was hoping the last frame, because it's just Dagwood, she and the dog comes in. And the dog's like, and I thought she'd be like, yeah, I know he's useless. Same. Like, she understands what everyone's saying. She knows everything that's going on in the house. Right. Or be like, yes, your bone's under the couch.

And you're right. He's useless. Yeah. Mike, I got to get back to my family. We're going to go up to the Getty Center today. Which one? Oh, the center. No, that's an official name.

Yeah. The center is up there. Yeah. I did that recently with the English relatives. We can get that done in a couple hours, right? I doubt it because they serve wine. Oh. Could be a purple alert day.

You can. Listen, you know the classics. They have Van Gogh's irises are there. But there's not many. But what is great is the unbelievable views. And then they have many. like they have photography exhibits. They have all these, they have sculpture. So I think you can, but it's also very social.

Like you can, there's music outside. And I would put in some time to enjoy a snack or a beverage as you're just mellowing out there. Nice. Okay, we're going to do it. All right, Mike. Have a great week. We want to thank, as always, Midcoast Media. Key and John and Beth and Chris do a great job.

Thank you guys for pulling it together every week. By next week, I'll have watched the two Game of Thrones prequels, and you have to watch the last two rehearsals. Outstanding. Perfecto. All right. See you later.

We're going to say take it eesh now. Take it eesh! If you're tired of reading through the headlines, don't despair and get ready for a good time. Here we go. It's the Sunday Papers show.