Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 13 5/31/20

Episode Date: May 31, 2020

On this week's Sunday Papers, Madonna's finger is on the pulse of racial injustice, and Ozarks pool parties just got worse. Mike reviews Lance Armstrong 30 for 30. Plus, Bob and Doug are successfully in space. Greg debuts a new listener-submitted theme song.    

Read it in the Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it with Greg and Mike. Read all about it. It's the Sunday Papers, people. What do you think of our new theme song? I think we should be running around a fountain on an NBC sitcom. Well, I like it. Wait, wait, wait. First of all, I love it. I love that that guy went through all that work. David Chamberlain.

David Chamberlain. That's so cool of these listeners to do this stuff. We got about a dozen songs and all good. I was shocked. I thought it was going to be like, you know, a couple of people like, you know,

clapping their hands together while their wife, uh, strums a banjo with her, with her big toe. But, uh, no, we got a bunch of good ones.

We're going to, we're going to roll them out we're gonna play them every episode here's what's different about our show is we don't get stuck in with one logo one theme song one sign off at the end we let you guys get involved so keep sending in the theme songs we love them and uh shout outs to uh emmett hall and jim Matt Farley, a bunch of other people sent to me. We're going to keep playing them. And also your logos. Keep those coming in.

If you notice, today's logo is very cute. It's got the SpaceX launch, which we'll talk about later. Oh, I didn't see that. Somebody put us in a couple of – I had never heard that song, and I don't even know what logo you're talking about. So I'm like you, listeners. And what's great is we were able to start this podcast with such positive energy on a slightly busy news week. What's been going on?

I was out of town. Not much. You know, just the virus still. That's it. You didn't miss anything. is still that's it you didn't miss anything um it's it is hard to sort of like launch into a comedy podcast about the news when uh you have spent yeah the last what four days staring at the tv and wondering like uh how to access uh not just what you're feeling but what other communities in our country are feeling.

It's very difficult. I had a woman on FitzDog Radio this week named Dulce Sloan, who's African-American, and she's a correspondent on The Daily Show. And she does some political stuff. I didn't talk about it until... I recorded it yesterday, and I didn't talk about it until the very end.

And and then I brought it up and man, she had a lot to say. And I and I did not. You know, I really didn't feel at that time that it was my place to start saying how I felt about it or my opinions. saying how I felt about it or my opinions. And instead, I think it's a time to maybe listen and listen and learn and share with other white people. I don't know. How do you feel about it? Well, I wish more white people had your view because there's just no way we can fully comprehend it. And listen, of course we have things to say and they're valid. And a lot of white people's, you know, what they would say would be valid. But I think one thing that struck me is so I was here on Friday.

Friday was when so much of this news was coming in. We the not only did the they released the report, which had the autopsy, which almost said he died of the Corona virus. Yeah. Like it was, it was like, they didn't lead, you know, I, I know it's very technical and it's not like journalism where the guy is supposed to be like, of course he died because of it. But it just said they found no trauma to his neck.

And he had a lot of contributing factors like heart disease and stuff. And it's just as like, I don't know, maybe they shouldn't release that raw report. They should maybe, you know, like put it in a way that will be, I don't know, that would recognize what happened to him as the lead story in the autopsy. Yeah, don't lead with the spin. Don't lead with the spin. Yeah, it was really weird. And anyway, so the autopsy came in, and then the third-degree charges came in.

And I'm kind of, I'm in my apartment here, and I'm outraged, and I'm really feeling, actually, in that moment, very passionate and just, and also, are you guys going to fuck this up at every stage? Honestly, at every stage. And then the president tweets an inflammatory thing. It's like, it just keep, it kept getting worse and worse. And meanwhile, I'm feeling all this rage while I am literally unwrapping a surfboard.

Yeah. Right. So I have to, Unwrapping a surfboard. Yeah, right. So I have to keep an eye on my own context and what's going on. Like, anyway, I just thought that that made me laugh at the time, which doesn't mean I can't be angry and doesn't mean I can't have that reaction. No, I was sitting on my couch with my wife and we were sharing a bag of pistachio nuts. Like we were watching the fucking you know sunday night

disney movie it was crazy oh yeah like a reality show like what's gonna happen next this is like that's what it feels like it's a reality show and um you know where you don't really know what's gonna happen you don't really know uh how to feel about it because it is obviously you have a very visceral reaction to seeing people destroy their own city. And it and it and it certainly leaves those people open to being accused of just being out of control, of doing it selfishly to steal things from Target. And you got to just got to realize, like, once again, the media is going to cover it in a certain way because they're trying to get ratings. There's a lot of people that are marching peacefully.

I haven't seen enough of that shown. There's also a lot of rumors. And this is put out. This isn't like unfounded rumors. There's the governor of Minnesota, Tim Waltz, has suggested thatressed in all black, face completely covered, black military boots with a black umbrella, systematically smashing windows. Of that auto zone, I think.

And people were accusing him of being a police officer. And they asked him, are you an off-duty cop? And I'm not saying he was. I'm just saying this is rife for this type of activity. Well, there's always in these cases, apparently, these agent provocateurs. There are these organized, they raise the level of anarchy. Anarchists. Yeah, but I mean, what are they calling them now?

Well, for instance, the governor's exact quote kind of was, he said he was aware of unconfirmed reports that gangs of white supremacists are taking advantage of the anarchy unfolding in Minneapolis to create more chaos. So that's white supremacists. But there's also people who could be on the extreme left as well who are sort of what's agitators. They're called professional agitators. And by professional, it means they're organized. So when you saw that guy's get up, first of all, he's white and he is systematically, as you said, smashing every window and protesters were even like, what are you doing? Yeah. And it was on film. Like they were like, wait, what, what are you doing? Right. And then, and then on camera, you could hear someone go, are you a cop? And it's really, really interesting to me. And, you know, and there's a lot of speculation why this the Atlanta protest was pretty civil and organized and kind of like respectful.

And then all of a sudden there were calls to go to CNN and then CNN is being destroyed. And again, listen, no matter what you're thinking about what I'm saying right now, this is a fact. A fact is I couldn't believe how many white people I was watching destroy shit. Right. And in my estimation, it was more than black people. It just seemed like it at that CNN at the CNN. And we were we were texting with two of our friends work at CNN or Turner was Dudley wasn't in that building, was he? No, no. But he was immediately told when the first thing they attacked was the sign. Yeah. And it just is very suspicious to me and others. And I really can't wait till the dust settles a little and they see if there was an organized effort. Like, you know, why bring it to CNN, especially when CNN is not only airing it, which is very important, but but also they're they're actually in and they may went too far with their with their compliments or their praise of these noble protests. So, like, why would you be shutting down that outlet?

Historically, the media have always helped in civil rights. I mean, if you didn't have that footage of German shepherds on guys and the fire hoses like that really, really helped. And trust me, the government did not want that footage being shot or released. Right. So it makes no sense to me. You know, a tough week for Derek Chauvin, the guy who killed him. His wife, Kelly, is divorcing him. Don't make me feel sorry for this guy.

I mean, Jesus Christ. him don't make me feel sorry for this guy i mean jesus christ uh why of course you're gonna divorce this guy it's like you at a certain point you gotta just go like this guy is pure fucking evil and i guess she doesn't have to get a restraining order because he's probably uh he's probably gonna be restrained uh for the next, what are they saying, like third degree murder should be about 35 years for this guy? I wonder if she announced it quick because I wonder, but he was already fired and his pay suspended because that counts when you divorce someone. Like how much were they making at the time? Oh, zero?

All right. Yeah. And he's, well, this doesn't include the 20. He'll last about 20 minutes in prison. Let's not kid ourselves. This guy is, he is not going to survive. Do they put cops in the general population? No, they'll put them somewhere else, but they'll get to them.

I think they'll get to them. All right, wait, a couple of things, though. I do disagree with you about her. I think it's kind of lame that she divorced him this week. Like, when, today or yesterday? Yeah. And she put out a statement, and she's really trying to distance herself from us.

And it's like, you know, from what I read about this guy, you knowingly stayed married and were married to a guy who hadn't really been caught yet, but was famously in a lot of accounts. Now, I don't know how long they've been married and how many of his his past sort of missteps happened under their, you know, under their merit in the time when they were married. But I don't know. I see it as a little, I see it as a little lame, quite honestly. And distracting. Yeah. And the statement seemed to make it about her. I don't know. I don't like the timing of it. You can divorce him in two weeks. Let our focus just be on this guy and that that third degree charge has to change. Hey, about the third degree charge. Yeah, I read somewhere and I retweeted it.

But an architect wrote when that charge got announced, he goes, I'm an architect. And he goes, and if I draw plans that aren't to code for a specific, you know, some building. And then years later, even 20 years later, someone gets hurt or is, or someone has killed it by, by something that is even loosely related to like the stairwell or whatever it is that I signed off on. I can be charged with third degree murder. Like that's how distant and unintentional and uninvolved you can be with a third degree murder charge. Right. Right. And that's what this guy's being charged with. Not only that, but how about the other was there two or three other cops that were right there who have not been charged with anything? Ridiculous. I mean mean there's got to be accountability

for hearing a guy say i can't breathe and this wasn't over the course of a minute or two this was eight or nine minutes oh no no it was it was it was it was very close to nine minutes and by the way someone else had said you know when when they were reading the autopsy and trying to analyze it they're like don't forget this other expert was like, the three of the guys weren't just telling the guy no, but they were actively holding him down as well at various times. Yeah. And when you are holding someone down and actively holding them

and on top of them when they're on their stomach, that already endangers breathing. Right. It's not a legal position for cops to hold somebody in. Right. I don't know about that. Yeah, no, I mean, certainly you're not allowed to put your knee on somebody's neck. I mean, I think in the heat of putting somebody down,

I think maybe you can do that for 15 seconds. But anyway, I don't know how long we should stay on this, but I think we needed to acknowledge it and sort of say that we don't know. We don't know. We can't tell you how to feel about it or what to expect. But this is my personal reaction to it. Well, I will say the week. Keep it. All right. So we did the Sunday papers last week. Came out, you know, whatever, sometimes Sunday, you guys might've been listening to a Monday.

Monday was when this happened. It was also when that woman in central park, uh, threatened, you know, racially threatened the guy calling nine one one because she was walking her dog off a leech. And, um, Christian Cooper was the black guy who was filming her, and she threatened him. So it's been a crazy week in the area of race. But, like, boy, is she grateful to Minnesota. Yeah, right, right.

I mean, because going into Tuesday, that was a bigger story for me than this police brutality, because I didn't fully understand the police brutality in Minnesota. You know what I mean? Yeah, right, right. But my friend, it was funny. Do you know about, so you know, it seems like an old story now, but Christian Cooper, do you know much about that story? Is this the Central Park thing?

Yeah, the Central Park thing yeah the central yeah yeah the guy is a he's a gay harvard graduate that was bird watching and oh i didn't even know gay he's gay also as far as i'm concerned oh no yeah i think so he's a bird watcher well my friend yeah i think you know him he's a commoner dickie hegan he goes we about it. He's like, it's as if they had an experiment to see how, like, threatened white people can be by a black guy by, like, let's make him the whitest black guy ever. Right. And, I mean, honestly, he's a Harvard graduate.

So, anyway, he's all that. And, yeah, Dickie was like, what if he was a microbrewery owner? Nope. How about folk singer? Nope. Not white enough. Right. Right. And then I honestly tried to think of it and I wrote him back. I'm like, I honestly given it a shot at coming up with something that's whiter than a Harvard graduate and prominent. These are quotes prominent birdwatcher in Central Park who's a board member of the Audubon Society. And the closest I came to something whiter was slave owner. Whoa. My gimmicks goes deep on Sunday papers early on.

Honestly, that's the only whiter profession and sort of profile than this guy. I really should look up whether or not this guy's gay. What's his name? Christian Cooper. Christian Cooper Gay. Let's see. Does gay make you white? No, I'm going to put you in a corner.

Does it make you any less threatening? Maybe he was a savage gay guy. Christian Cooper's history of black gay activism before. What's that? Wait, I think he had a girlfriend. No, no, no. She had a boyfriend when she lived in London. If he's a gay activist and he's not gay, it's unbelievable.

This guy has the most flawless record ever. This is an unbelievable human being. Such an unbelievable human being that I want to have sex with him. And that's how gay he is. That's where this gay thing is coming from. Yeah, that's what it is. So let's talk about something else from the front page. Oh, we forgot our newspaper.

You got your newspaper? Oh, of course. Oh, we forgot our newspaper set. You got your newspaper? Oh, of course. There we go. There it is. All right, let's go to the Ozarks, Mike. Missouri, baby. You remember those videos from last week where all those numbnuts were crowded into pools and boats and lakes? And lakes, well, apparently one of the crowded pools, which had hundreds of people in it, contained a guy that has the coronavirus.

And now they are trying to track everybody he was in contact with, besides the body of liquid that they were all standing in. They're trying to figure out, like, who was connected to him. Oh, they got his schedule. Did you see it each day? No. Oh, they got his itiner Did you see it each day? No. Oh, they got his itinerary. It was a party in the pool, party in the lodge. Oh, no shit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They printed it both days. Two full days. Well, it's like, dude, I just stand next to him. Do I have a burn on my show? I feel a little burn on my shoulders. Little in the left lung, too. I got just just a bunch of...

I mean, first of all, where would you rather be less than standing in a crowded pool in the Ozarks with a bunch of rednecks talking about, you know, who fingered their cousin last night? Is that what it is? Oh, my God. You're a lot of generalizations today. I have HBO.

I watched Ozarks. Yeah, no, those, regardless of the virus, I would have never wanted to be in that situation. Yeah. Jesus. It looked like a cesspool. That's like a weird thing now that I was not a part of is these big pool parties.

Like in Vegas, they have these football field pools that are only like three feet deep so you can stand in them. And hundreds of people drinking, shit-faced. What percentage of those people are urinating in the water? Roughly. Oh, please. Of course. Are you kidding me? It's like a swim up blackjack tables.

Remember our friend? He was like, you've got to hydrate. Otherwise your peas yellow. Because he doesn't want to leave the table. Well, he used to when when they were shuffling the deck, you know, when they had to change up the shoot, he would swim a lap. He'd swim. He'd swim a lap. Oh, good for him. Yeah. Oh, you mean a P lap? A P lap. Oh, good for him. A pee lap? Oh, you mean a pee lap. A pee lap. Oh, I got it. I got it, yeah.

And then he'd come back and sit down again. That's respectful of the table, I guess. Yeah, you got to respect the table. Here's another thing in the front page is that Corona, you know, obviously you worry about coughing and sneezing and surfaces. But shit, human fe feces big spreader and they're saying that they uh they found in the stool in the stools of a 78 year old severely sick covid 9 patient they found some corona which first of all is that not gonna be the worst thing you find in the

stools of an 80 year old guy you know there's. There's going to be some half-chewed Viagra, a couple prunes. The corona's an afterthought. That's true. Well, I knew about that potential for it to be in feces because when it rained here in LA, for those who don't know how it works here in LA, when it rains, you can't go in the ocean for two days, something like that. Like our daughters surf, and practices are canceled and all that stuff. And you can't because LA, when it rains, the LA basin is too big.

There are no filtration systems for the water in the streets that go into the sewers. In other words, in a city that's a desert that has water shortages, we don't collect the rain that falls. We pour it out into the ocean. And, you know, whatever. I'm a volunteer for one of these. It's called Heal the Bay.

But when they went, there you go. It's me. It's all about me. So when they, on the beach, though, they'll be like the beach cleanups. You'd have so many cigarettes. And they're like, now you're probably thinking, are this many people still smoking on the beach? No.

If a cigarette is flicked out a car window in Pasadena, that's how it gets on the beach because it comes through the whole system right out. So anyway, back to our point, that happens with shit too. If there's any shit in the street, including the enormous amounts of human shit because of the homeless epidemic, that gets swept right out into the ocean. Yep. So that was an added thing that was to the normal bacteria that can get you sick from human feces. Now there's coronavirus in the ocean. And also they're saying like, just, just do not take a dump in a public restroom, you know, which, you know, I know I always look forward to. Why do they say that?

Because, you know, people spray shit. There's some spray. There's shit on a toilet seat. You know, like, you know, you just sat on a fucking toilet. You ever sit on a public toilet and it's still warm and, know the bowl's still warm that's the worst and you know you know some homeless guy was sitting there taking a fucking sponge bath about five minutes earlier all right uh did you used to crouch when you were a kid over the bowl you mean hover i used to hover uh i would i know my whole time working in CBS, which was with all these, you know, pretty clean people like in CBS studios on Fairfax and Beverly. Sure. Kevin James, Ray Romano. Yeah. But. I figured if everyone else uses the seat, you know, the paper seat covers, then I don't have to. Both ways. In other words, I'm protected from them. But what

happened is I would feel pressure. If someone was in the bathroom when I went into the stall, I would then rattle the paper with my hand to make noise as if I was taking it out and putting it down. But I wasn't. Really? I didn't really care what touched my ass, especially in a very, very clean bathroom, which is cleaned like three times a day there or something. Yeah. Yeah, I would always pretend to put on a condom when I had sex with a girl. Well, that's illegal. Do you know that?

Is it? That is a crime. And it's, yeah, guys, a lot of guys do that, by the way. I say having sex with a condom on is a crime. And it's, yeah, guys, a lot of guys do that, by the way. I say having sex with a condom on is a crime. All right. So you're just trying to outdo my slave owner atrocity earlier. But, no, but girls hover, and girls are disgusting. That's why famously girls' bathrooms are so much worse.

But it's like girls hover and aren't even close to getting in the bowl. I don't know what goes on there. It's unbelievable. It looks like a sprinkler went off. Yeah. Well, also, we have a nice fucking—we got a pistol. We got a long-barreled pistol. Well, mine's long-barreled, and it shoots exactly where you want it to go.

A pussy is just like a big, it's like a chasm. It's just, it just shoots everywhere. It's disgusting. It's only good for one thing. Should we go back to talking about racial injustice? Because this seems more offensive. No, when I was out in the Hamptons, when I lived in the Hamptons, I think a different summer than you did. I was a busboy at an outdoor bar. It was this place called Summers on Dune Road. Oh, God, of course. Yeah, it's legendary.

Legendary. It was like you put all of Florida in there. No, it was like you put all of Brooklyn in there. Well, yeah. It was all guidos. It was all like dudes, like ripped dudes and chicks with big hair and little bikinis. And it had 13 bartenders would be pouring at the same time. And most of them were outside.

Some of them were inside. A DJ was literally on the sand. And I used to have to go in and clean the bathrooms. And you're right. The women's bathroom was way worse. It would always be clogged with tampons. There'd be shit. Like, it was the worst experience of my life was cleaning those goddamn bathrooms.

They're pigs. They're pigs. Yeah, women are pigs. I live with my two daughters' bathroom. It was a disaster. Yeah. Right. Hey, by the way, I'm jumping back to. Bathroom is a disaster. Yeah. Right.

Hey, by the way, I'm jumping back to the story just for a second. Did you see the report today? I, by the way, I figured out while I was thinking about it, why, why he's getting divorced now. She is astutely divorcing because there is going to be a civil lawsuit and they have multiple homes and they're going to lose them. Oh, yeah. And she's not going to lose them now because her date of filing is before those lawsuits. Now, I think but I think it could be argued she's doing it to protect them. And I don't think that holds water usually. In other words, he already had committed the crime. So I don't know what it will be. But get this. And it may not be true, but I read today he is a Florida resident, the cop who kneed on his neck.

Oh, is that right? They have a house in Florida. Florida doesn't pay income tax. And so he is claiming, I believe, that he is a Florida resident while he's on the Minneapolis police force. I could be I could be wrong. But but what I did read is they have a house in Florida and a house in Minnesota. And I did read a lot of people saying that for sure he's a Florida resident. So I don't know what the facts are, though. But Florida man, back to your Florida man. Florida man. It's it's the greatest account on twitter florida man florida man kills black man in minneapolis yep that's a new one right

all right let's go to entertainment mike oh am i in entertainment no you're with the newspaper you're with the crinkling of the news. There we go. It's virtual. All right. Do you have a story? Because I have a great one. Why don't you do it? Well, it's Madonna. Madonna.

Hey, do we have a website yet? We could put up the video. We almost have a website. We'll have it very soon. So Madonna, who's super in touch with her fingers really on the pulse and really doesn't recognize any disconnect she has with the real world. So it started, remember, with the coronavirus when she told the world that the coronavirus is the great equalizer. And where did she do that from? Her luxurious bath, which had rose petals all around her. And yeah, so it's a great equalizer. Now, after this, after this killing in Minneapolis,

she wrote on Twitter, brutal murder travels around the world. My son, David dances to honor and pay tribute to George and his family and all acts of racism and discrimination that happen on a daily basis in America. Hashtag David Banda. Hashtag justice for George Floyd. Hashtag Michael Jackson. And it is a video of her son incredibly awkwardly dancing to a Michael Jackson song like Michael Jackson in their beautiful kitchen. Unbelievable. Michael Jackson song like Michael Jackson in their beautiful kitchen. And it is, it just, it's so awkward to watch. And of course the reactions were fantastic. Like, wow, racism gone. Thank you, girl. And people just, some guy said,

this is the worst tweet in history. And it really was bad. But my, of course, inappropriate joke was, this is the worst video, the most disturbing video I've seen of a black man this week. Did you write that? No, I couldn't post that. I have to do it where it's trusted here on the podcast. And you guys know I'm some bleeding heart liberal. And I mean it, of course, is a complete joke. But it really was almost as painful as watching that video in a funny way, not in a real

way. It was terrible. So Jesus. Yeah. Go out. She's insane. What about what about when she lived in London for six months and all of a sudden came back with a British accent? Oh, I know. It's crazy. and all of a sudden came back with a British accent. Oh, I know. It's crazy. You know what was amazing? Did you read the Beastie Boys biography? Yeah, well, I kind of scanned through it, and then I saw the documentary based on it. I mean, their show.

It was pretty badass. They were like 18 years old, and they were traveling the world doing stadiums with Madonna, opening for Madonna. And that's when they were just complete pussyhounds. All they were doing was partying, and then they kicked our friend Kate Schellen back out of the band. They gave her a lot of love, though, in the book and in the show.

Right, right. What other entertainment? I don't know. I was going to talk about Kylie Jenner. She was downgraded by Forbes magazine. She was downgraded from billionaire to multi, multi, multi, multimillionaire. Multi-hundredaire. I don't even know how you would describe it.

But they originally named her one of the youngest. What is it? The youngest self-made billionaire in history. And that she's a woman, of course. But anyway, there's an argument about it. But anyway, it turns out she's worth only 900 million. So that was a nice distraction. But it's like, at this point, I would be like, accept it. Like billionaires are generally bad guys. Yeah. Almost without exception. Yeah. Like, why wouldn't you accept the downgrade? people where if you had a choice between donating 10% of your money, which you will never notice missing to 10 giant charities, they get $10 million each that could change the course of their fucking work and you hold onto it so that you can be on a list in a magazine. And, you know, she's trying to say like, you know know she's saying all the right things now which is

like i could think of a lot more important things that should be talked about this i never wanted to be on this i never this but then forbes released the family invited them to their mansions and cpa offices and the jenner's provided documents showing kylie's company's annual revenue like so they were dying to get on that list. Yeah, right, right. Now, I know personally, I just became a thousandaire recently. No big deal. And I give tens of dollars away all the time. There you go.

Perfect. Let's do some TV reviews. I just got done with season one and could be the only season. I hope it isn't because it was a really good show. It's called The Great, and it's on Hulu, and it's about Catherine the Great starring, do you say Ellie Fanning or Elle Fanning, Dakota Fanning's sister? Ella?

I think it's Elle. I don't know them. Elle? Ellie Fanning. She's fantastic. She's only like 21 years old, and she's beautiful, and she's a really good actress, and she's funny. She's got comedy chops.

And it's a really funny show. It's like a, what do you call it, a dramedy? It's one of those. Yeah. I saw the first episode. It is funny. That guy is really funny. Yeah, he's great.

But, yeah, I didn't stick with it. All right, so I need your help and maybe the listeners help. I am pretty far along in season one of Mad Men. I finally pulled the trigger. Yeah. And I'm not that into it. Like, I'm waiting for the big story moves. It's very, very character.

And I get it. But, you know, maybe I'm a little close to it. You know, my dad worked on 59th and 5th for the cosmetics industry he would be constantly out with mad men uh they had a table at elaine's they'd go to the 21 they'd go to all the places i would you know i i remember all the places that mad men mentions uh i would go to the sexist thing and the drinking and the smoking i mean it is almost like an snl sketch i'm waiting to one of them to like light up five cigarettes at one time and put them in their mouth um but you think you're close to it it's set in tarrytown

either tarrytown or austin there's some argument about which town it is which is austin which is the next town over for me um you know so same train to the city every day that they shot uh his favorite restaurant in New York City was Ratazzi's my father was such a regular at Ratazzi's he bought Dick Ratazzi's house in Florida after he died from his wife and my mom was sexually harassed. She worked in a secretary pool at an ad agency. And literally, literally, she tells us that the women used to argue about who had to go in for certain guys to take notation because they would have their dicks out and they would masturbate while the secretaries were taking notes. And it was not something that you could address. Well, that's why he can't take his own notes.

His dick's in his hand. Right. I just realized I walked away from the microphone that entire time. But you carried your laptop? I carried my laptop and I thought because I was talking into the microphone. Wait, let's redo that. No, no, no. No, no.

They're going to have, maybe it'll be crappier audio. Leave this in. They're going to have your audio from your headset in your computer. Oh, I just made a cup of coffee, everybody. Sorry about that. It's three in the afternoon. I'm hitting the fucking wall. So listen, I imagine, I think I can guess what people are going to say, which is stay

with it. There's going to be big moves. But right now the moves are isolated. Like it's very episodic. It's not it's not serial, meaning it's not a story that's going to be. This is what season two is about. Like finally, like one of the episodes I watched, the rival agency tries to steal away Don Draper. Right.

And I'm like, oh, here we go. And that was all resolved by the end of that episode. You know what I mean? And so I have found out I don't want to spoil it for other people. I have found out, like, you know, his personal history, which is very interesting. And so they are building things. But, man, I am not hooked yet. Well, part of it really is so much of that show is owed to Jon Hamm's charisma. And my wife, I remember when I was in San Francisco

working a club, wife came up with me. And I go to my show. She stays in the hotel room. I come home at like, whatever, midnight. And I walk in the door and they were showing Mad Men. She was sitting on the bed with her pants around her ankles. I'm not saying she was masturbating, but like she literally was jaw dropped watching Jon Hamm and watching. And the show is also shot in a way that is so different than any

show that had been that had been filmed up until that time. It just had a very unique aesthetic to it. And that was it. She was all in on Jon Hamm. I've been very patient over the last 30 seconds. How, in your mind, was Erin not masturbating when you walked in? Maybe she was masturbating. Jesus Christ.

This isn't a court of law. She had her pants down. Now, listen, I can't say she was masturbating. But wait, she didn't have any lotion or a bath towel on her belly. Isn't that the only way you can masturbate? She wasn't crying. That's not masturbating. I walked in.

A guy was on top of my wife undulating. Now, I'm not saying Erin was cheating. No, I remember I came home and we always shake hands. And she gave me a nice wet handshake. And I remember thinking. She's just in a chair, pants around her ankles, playing air bass. And Mad Men happens to be on, which she has told me was blowing her mind. You know, the charisma, the raw sexual power of Jon Hamm.

And I guess it all coincidentally happened at the same time while I was out of the room. And I remember she was giving herself a neck massage with one of those, you know, neck massagers. The giant Hitachi vibrator that happened to fall in her lap. Oh my god. Did I ever tell you about the story of Jon Hamm?

I was going to say she should have come to the comedy club with you. There's a very good chance of running into Jon Hamm. He's a comedy nerd. He hangs out at the comedy clubs. So shortly after this, I'm at a party. Sarah Silverman has this annual party with a lot of big celebrities come to it. And so I'm standing there with Erin and her friend, and all of a sudden Jon Hamm walks in. And she is not somebody that's starstruck.

She used to work for Julia Roberts. She grew up in New York City and she's been around celebrities. Not starstruck. And she freezes. And I'm like, what the fuck, Aaron? So we're standing there and Jon Hamm starts walking towards us. Walks towards us. Walks up to me and gives me a giant hug.

And he goes, Greg. And I got my head over his shoulder looking at her like, what the fuck's going on? Put your pants back on. He's right here. Right. Aaron immediately gets on her back, legs in the air. And I said to him, I go, go I'm sorry do I know you and he's like John John Ham from the improv

10 years ago remember me you and Julie Grossberg used to hang out all the time we used to go to swingers and I was like that's you you're the same John is that John like I I have such bad facial recognition it's a real problem in my life that I did not know that these two different Johns were the same John and we immediately reconnected and he came on the podcast a bunch of times and we've hung out since then I've worked with him a lot and he's no he he loves obviously he loves. Obviously, he loves comedy. He does comedy any chance he gets.

Super nice. And I'm surprised I didn't meet him back when you're talking about because I was a complete comedy nerd. You know, I was at Largo every single Monday night. Largo was this club where the alternative scene was kind of born in Los Angeles. And and it was Bob and Dave and you, Greg, and just every and even even road comics would. Zach. Yeah. Do their better stuff there. And yeah, everyone was there. And so and I would be alone very often in there standing at the bar. And that's then that's how I think he would go all the time. And I remember him talking about that.

Yeah. So we were probably standing next to each other like two complete nerds, you know, getting our comedy fix that week. Was my wife there? Did you notice? She was in the bathroom a long time. Not hovering, but spraying. long time not hovering but spraying with the door cracked so she could look at his profile while she finger blasted herself in the ladies room oh my god uh any reviews any reviews this week mike recommendations just my mediocre

one of uh of mad men i'm trying to think what else I watched. I finished the we've talked about Jordan, but I finished it. And holy shit. I mean, he really what a story. What a great documentary. Those 30 for 30s are unbelievable. So, OK, so speaking of that, I did watch episode one of the new 30 for 30 on the heels of Jordan, which is the Lance Armstrong one. Oh, I heard that's amazing.

It I have to say, I really enjoyed it because they even gave voice to and I love when documentaries do that. They gave one of the guys being interviewed is like, listen, I wasn't really going to do is because I I know Lance is involved. And I thought this was going to be kind of some spin out of the Lance camp. And so like, you know, someone even gives it that voice. So when you're watching it, you he's interviewed a lot. I'm like, all right, is this going to be his narrative? You know what of what happened? But sure enough, there's a I don't want to give any it's not giving any way.

It's part one. But it's like there's a lot of people on there calling him and, you know, he's an asshole. Yeah. And you know, and I had always heard that, you know, he's a very Texas strong headed guy and he kind of didn't give a shit. But what's very interesting to me is, um, yeah, people should see it. But, but basically it was, and this could be his spin and I've fallen prey to it, but the, all the other bikers were saying the same thing.

As good as he was, because the question I was initially going to bring up 10 seconds ago was, I wonder how well he would have done without performance-enhancing drugs, because he was sort of Superman. They show him at 15 barely having gotten into triathlons, beating everybody. barely having gotten into triathlons, beating everybody. And by the way, his mom and he had to forge or make a false birth certificate to get him in because 15-year-olds couldn't compete. Really? At 15, he was beating guys who were, some of them, professionals

in one of the, you know, either biking, running, or swimming. So anyway, it starts that way. But then it gets to a point where it goes. They interview other cyclists and stuff where they're like it. Then it comes time you join the circuit in Europe and you have to make a decision. Will you always be a nobody because you're not going to take drugs? Or are you going to take the drugs and give yourself a fighting chance to at least place in one of these races? Right, right.

And they show the Italian team was the most organized in taking the performance enhancing drugs. And they were untouchable for a two year period. And everyone had a catch up to them in terms of drug use. Yeah, right, right. It was really interesting. It was crazy. I remember that other documentary they did about them and they were showing, you know, the, right. It was really interesting. It was crazy. I remember that other documentary they did about him, and they were showing, you know, the drug use. But then also they literally were hiding small motors in some of the bicycles, and they showed this guy had an accident, fell off his bike.

Bike was lying on its side. Back wheel was still spinning. I mean, it's who's the best cheater. But I don't know how you feel about drugs and performance enhancing drugs, but let them take the fucking drugs. I mean, so many of them are not bad for you. And you just can't, you can't suddenly say

you can't be the best athlete using whatever technology is available. I mean, like exercise. Like Babe Ruth never did a fucking sit-up in his life. And then at a certain point, athletes went, hey, we should probably exercise. And they got way better. Should we ban that?

Well, we take some people like you, and probably me, but I deny it, are so clinically ADD, they really, really should be on the drugs. You can't, if you're an ADD athlete, you can't take those drugs. You can't take Ritalin. You can't take cocaine pills, which is what they are, or Adderall. Well, I bet the documentary will get into it,

and I'm sure many of our listeners know far more than we do, but I wonder if there was a sweet little period there where the playing field was actually leveled because they were all on drugs. Right. And Lance rose to the top because his God-given abilities were greater than the other guys, and then there's drugs, you know, which is the top layer on all of their God-given abilities. I don't know what I'm talking about. But by the way, if you do watch it,

like I guess it's going to, part two is going to air tonight, I guess, Sunday night. And then you're jonesing, like you want more, you want to watch something else. I can't recommend more highly the documentary Icarus,

which I believe is still on Netflix the documentary Icarus, which I believe is still on Netflix. and was crestfallen and absolutely so devastated when he, you know, was caught not only cheating and taking drugs, but all the times he lied to his fans and lied to everybody about it. And then this guy wanted to see, do drugs really make that big a difference? And that's the start of the documentary. He then fine. He goes,

I want to find a way like lance did to cheat and for these drugs not to be detected and i'm going to enter these races and all i'll tell you is it's unbelievable where this one part documentary ends up it won the academy award for best documentary and not only that it won it in the year i I think it beat like our RBG. Like it was crazy what it beat. I think that. So he raced without telling anybody that he was on the drugs. Exactly. But I did that with my wife recently with Viagra. Have you ever you ever popped a Viagra and then not told your lover that you did it? I also think that's against the law.

to Viagra and then not told your lover that you did it? I also think that's against the law. I'm not on Viagra and I have three condoms on, baby. Don't worry about a thing. She's like, why are you still going? I scheduled a meeting with some friends in five minutes. I'm not used to this marathon session you're pulling on me here. The first time you ever took Viagra, did you, it it's a weird question did you have sex or did you masturbate had sex not me i was like at some

doctor whatever and he's like how you doing and he was like kind of a funny doctor and he's like uh all right that's a checkup how's everything else how's health how's your sex life oh this is you know i'm married at the time he's like uh all right you know i have a sample do you want a sample of viagra like and i was like yeah i I have a sample. Do you want a sample of Viagra? And I was like, yeah, I'll take a sample of Viagra. You're missing a step here. You're missing a step. What?

Did he ask you, were you having erectile dysfunction, or did he just suddenly offer you Viagra? No, no, no. No, no, I did not bring up an issue that I had a problem with it. That's not why I was there. It was an annual. It was like a physical. And then out of the blue, he just offers you Viagra.

No, it was kind of like he brought it up like because if you do, I have and I had not brought it up and I'm like, oh, I'll take one. And then he was like, well, is there something we need to talk about? And I'm like, no, but I mean, I write jokes about Viagra all day, every day now, you know, because I'm in late night TV and I was very interested. But when I took it home, I was like, I have no idea. First of all, it's recommended you don't take it if you don't have a problem. So now I'm a little afraid of it. Keep in mind, it wasn't as, it wasn't nearly as common. It was pretty new. I don't know what year this was, but the early two thousands. And, uh, and so anyway, I took it and, and then was like, waited 40 minutes and then masturbated. That's what I did the first time I ever took it. And how was that? It was crazy.

It was like, it was, but, but like at that time there was still all these rumors that like, well, you'll just be hard all the time. You're going to be hard after you ejaculate, you're going to maintain an erection. And that's not true at all. Right. And I didn't take the whole thing. Thank God. But I really flushed. My chest was crazy red.

My face was red. I got pretty scared. Like I, I took it twice and I, uh, my head was so spinning and dizzy. I felt so bad afterwards. And I never took it again.

And it triggered a, at that time, I was getting migraines in my life. And it triggered a migraine afterwards. Wow. But that's in the top three side effects is a very painful headache. Wow. Yeah. And you know that it affects your vision. You can't all of a sudden you lose some colors. Do you know a pilot is not allowed to take Viagra

within 24 hours of flying? No shit. That's a law. I could see it affecting your vision though, because if you have a raging heart on like that, you have to be able to see less well if you're going to have sex with somebody. If you're a single guy in a bar and you take a Viagra, you want your sight to get worse. Yeah. And we can make a million jokes why pilots can't have an erection while they're flying. But it's the first color to go out is like blue or whatever. But all of a sudden, the pilot's vision is being affected. That's the reason. Yeah, right.

All right, let's go to international, Mike. You mean this section? Hold on. I'm not there yet. Where is it? It's got it. They always bury it. They always bury it.

This is a great story coming out of our good friends over in Israel. This is a great story coming out of our good friends over in Israel. It turns out back in the Iron Age, they found a shrine, a limestone altar that showed they were burning cannabis plants in a ritual ceremony. So the first, if you're wondering who were the first people to smoke pot, they may not be the first, but this is the furthest back that we've been able to document it uh and they say that there was a second altar where they burned the frankincense always wondered what happened with the frankincense they had frankincense and not myrrh fuck myrrh they had weed that's what they that maybe they maybe they uh you know edited Wow. Maybe they edited that out in the Old Testament or the New Testament. Maybe it was gold, frankincense, and Acapulco gold. How different? They're all walking around with sandals.

No one really has jobs. Right, right. And you wonder, how did the Jews get lost in the desert for 40 days? They were baked. They were looking for a 7-Eleven to get some yoo-hoos. Yeah. Dudes, I am so hungry. You know what?

Fuck it. Don't let that bread rise. I'll take it now. I'll just take it now. Give it to me. And yeah, and let's all share this glass of wine. Keep passing it around. Don't drink it all.

Yeah. And it probably explains all their shitty food. What do you got? You got some salt water on a lamb shank? Yeah, fine. It's tears? Whatever. I'm fucking starving, bros. They made a bong out of a menorah. Seven guys can hit

it at the same time. Are you sure you saw him walk on water i fucking swear to god dudes i swear to god the fucker just walked right across the lake all right so joseph walk me through this again seven cows walk out of the river were they singing What color were they? Guys, I taught you how to fish last week. Are you fucking paying attention? I have to keep giving you fish? We're going to do it again. You're supposed to feed yourself for life.

Yeah. Here we go again, all right? You go around six, through the loop, back up. Fucking Jews. Guys, come on. No wonder they've been fighting over the west bank the whole time it's like sonoma up there it's where all the weed is grown yeah um by the way it's so funny to just call it the bronze age like that's it that's what you're gonna be known for like that was the iron age iron age i mean right right right but it makes me think of like that's

that's how the time was defined. Yep. Well, did anything else go? Not much, really. No, really, not much. No, you think about the technological advances since the 19— well, go back to the 30s, but really the 50s, in terms of, like, how often we have the advent of a crazy new technology.

They would go a thousand years and it was like oh iron now yeah they had a wheel yeah they had a wheel and had no idea what the fuck to do with it yeah for about 100 years yeah they didn't have any metal for an axle it was just a wheel yeah well it looks good also that wheel yeah, an international news, Switzerland. You know Switzerland, Mike. Oh, I've been there. Wealthy nation. I think one of the wealthiest nations in the world.

It's gorgeous. But they have such food shortages that now they have lines that stretch for longer than a mile of people waiting to get, they say, parcels of food worth about $25. And you got to imagine that like, Jesus Christ, how long have we been waiting online? Let me check my $10,000 Soku watch. Over an hour, and this thing is right on the money. I think they are one of the wealth capita, one of the wealthiest nations. I think you're right.

Also, yeah, stop. Hey, how about stop sending your Toblerone bars to duty free? Everyone's eating your shit in duty free. Oh, I guess not anymore. Yeah, why are you still sending them? Right. It was like the Irish

when the English fucking occupied us and they took all of our crops and sent them out of the country and we died. Million people died. So what is causing the Swiss to have all these knives with nothing to cut? But what is the cause? I think it's a lot of immigration.

They have a lot of immigrants. That explains huge food lines? Apparently. That means these immigrants can afford to buy up all the food. Right. Doesn't add up to me. Something's going on. I think maybe is it the first country hit by like a supply chain because of the virus maybe?

Let me see. What does this article say? A lot of underpaid workers. I guess it's a real have and have not kind of a city. And if you don't have, you don't fucking have. It's one of those. Let's go to science, Mike. Here's your Swiss cheese. Where? Oh, it's just the holes today. It's just the holes. Sorry. It's still $7, though, for the app. Right, right.

Where are we going? You want some Swiss Miss? You mean the only black woman in Switzerland? Yeah, I'll have some of that. Let's get some science. Oh, hold on As big day today Why don't you tell us about what's going on in space Mike Oh man

Well there's two dudes in space That's what's going on in space And they just got there Is it Larry Hagman and the other guy It's just as white as that sounds Literally their names are Bob and Doug Like Bob and Doug. Like Bob and Doug McKenzie.

The Great White. Remember that? Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. Their launch was canceled earlier this week because of the weather, but I think they were like, they saw what was going on in this country, like just get, honestly, get us on the next, literally get us on the next shuttle out of here.

We got to get the hell out of here. So they took off like, you know, we're recording this on Saturday. They just took off a little while ago and it was pretty impressive. But I really was worried during their launch because we grew up and we saw the space, the shuttle Challenger blow up in the sky after everybody was applauding and celebrating the successful launch. Was this the one with the teacher on it? Yes. And so we have that ingrained on us. And then those lives were really celebrated and, you know, and the country kind of mourned them. And I'm like, this is not the time to shift focus to Bob and Doug, who might die today. Yeah.

Who have taken on an incredible challenge that they know has a high risk of failure. Yeah. And a relatively high risk of failure. So anyway, I was praying that because, you know, a bunch of people in Washington and in various positions around the country would love nothing more than a distracting news story right now. In fact, they treated the launch as that. You know, Trump went down to the launch and that's been kind of the lead story today. That'll that'll revert. It'll revert back to the story of all this unrest tonight. But anyway, also watching it, I realized how little I know about technology and these advances in science.

Like if you had told me like this, all right, so they took off and within minutes, they go, by the way, I think even under two minutes, they were like, okay, if something were to go wrong now, they have this system where they can launch and shoot away from the rocket. Like if there was a problem with the rocket and their capsule would then just fall on Ireland. I'm like, they've been up there a minute. Are they they're already over Ireland? Like it was. Yeah, it's crazy.

And the speed makes no sense to me um all right so the nasa uh first of all but this is like the first this is the first time that humans have gone into space since that accident right no no no we went back i think we went back up but i think it's since 2010 maybe or something like that. Because we had other shuttles. And it's the first one that's not NASA. It's private. This is Tesla. Tesla sending the rocket up.

With NASA. Right. People are going to hate us because people really know a lot about this. And I should know more, especially. But it just happened. And I was so distracted by everything else. And I should know more, especially, but it just happened, and I was so distracted by everything else. Now, since it's Tesla sending it up, is there a feel-the-burn bumper sticker on the back of the rocket ship?

I think this rocket ship compensated for all the fuel that Tesla has saved, because it's crazy, including liquid oxygen and stuff like that. Yeah, right. And it's got one of those really nice television set consoles, so you can see if any other rocket ships are coming up behind you um within a minute they're like okay now they're supersonic which means they've broken the sound barrier which if you ask me what's the speed of sound no idea right it turns out it's like 775 miles an hour or something like that yeah so they broke it and then they're going up 250 miles above the Earth to the space station. And they talked about I just I thought about us and how vague and unspecific we are in our lives about everything and how little precision there is. So when the countdown was happening, a reporter goes, oh, and people have precision there is. So when the countdown was happening, a reporter goes,

oh, and people have asked, good question, people have asked why this has to be so precise and they have to go off on the second that is planned on. And they talked about it's because they have calculated the rotation and the orbit

and where the space station is. And they are to meet up and they're going to join the space station and dock. And if they are three seconds late off the takeoff, they will miss it by being too wide. Wow. And by the way, they are not even docking till tomorrow night they are going around the earth 11 times which is described like a spiral which eventually gets wider to dock with them so this isn't like oh they just docked now it's even way more precise than that it's crazy yeah there's this really funny show with the guy from house on it on hbo about uh it's it's basically like a cruise ship

that goes into space and uh and they they miss their they get out of their orbit and so they're like yeah we're gonna be up here for another 10 years or something it's hilarious and then also the speed of light i looked up the speed of light is quite faster than the speed of sound yeah the speed of light guess how many miles per hour the speed of light is. By the way, give or take 100 million. Go ahead. 100 million? 670 million miles per hour.

Wow. Now, I think I have that right because it's 186,000 miles per second. Shit. But they're dealing with these calculations of things, you know? And then they talk about how a star is, you know, 3,000 light years away and somehow we detect it. That kind of shit blows my mind. Well, if you were to ask me to get out a pen and paper, first of all, just don't.

But like in other words, to calculate, okay, so it's 670, by the way, it's closer to 671 million miles per hour. And now you're saying at that rate, it takes three years to get somewhere. And you're like, how far is that? Is there something that measures how far that is? Yeah, right. I guess it's light years. Like they can't put a distance on it. It's crazy.

Yeah. Because the distance would be incomprehensible. It would be some number that's too long to write on how many miles it is. Anyway, but I do think about, I don't know if you've ever had this fantasy. I've had a fantasy my whole life. It's weird to say fantasy, but I've had this thought. You know, people always say they're abducted by aliens, they ask them questions and of course they probe them and all that stuff. But I've always thought the fight would just be like, you got the wrong guy. Like if you're asking me questions about Earth or about science or about how advanced we are, like, hey, how about tell us about that space launch?

You got me. Right. And my joke used to be be I can't even tell you how the toaster works. But it's like it's more than that. Honestly, if they had me to write stuff down, I'm like, I honestly couldn't even tell them how a pen works. I don't know how the ink stays in a pen. Right. I really don't. I know why it's not shooting all over the place. And there is going out. There's this book that I read. I shouldn't say read. I listened to it, which is why I'm looking it up on my phone right now. And it was something like A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson. Oh, yeah.

Bill Bryson's great. That shit. There's so much. He tackles every aspect of science, physics, astrophysics, yeah. Bill Bryson's great. That shit. There's so much. He tackles every aspect of science, physics, astrophysics, biology. And each one of them is something that you just have to, I used to have to pause it. I listened to Going to Sleep. I used to have to pause it and sit in the dark for like three minutes to try to process shit like that, like distances that he talks about.

Good book. Highly recommend it. Like the wall behind you is green now. Green, I mean, green, whatever. It sounds like I'm stoned. We've named it green, but it's a frequency. I'm looking at a frequency that my, that light is, I don't even know the right terms, coming into the vortex of my eye and it reads as green. But these aliens would have kicked my ass off this ship just trying to explain the color green.

They'd be like, this guy's useless. Get him back down to the cornfield where we found him. Totally useless. And by the way, he's successful. And he has offspring, that guy. And the difference between your intelligence and one of those people that was in a pool in the Ozarks is fucking razor thin.

Compared to them, you're no different than they are. I don't know. I think they'd be more honest. Like, it's fucking amazing, dude. It's fucking green. What do you mean it's green? Like, he would just stick to his guns on green. He wouldn't get lost in some attempt at an explanation like me.

Right, right. What are you, gay? It's fucking green. What do you fags want from me in this shit? Like, they'd be like, we got an interesting one here. Well, they do have their finger up his ass. It's not a quantum jump. He keeps calling us stupid.

I think we should keep him. But the Gibbons guy, get him. He's totally useless. He keeps saying, I don't know. Get him out of here. We need the guys that are already drunk because they can sort of handle the breadth of these questions. Yeah. All right, let's do some etiquette.

Should we do some etiquette? do some uh etiquette should we do some etiquette as you know people write into the newspaper because they have quandaries ethical or social etiquette quandaries uh this one comes from uh the uh something gazette my husband and i took our family to a resort in hawaii after leaving the pool one afternoon i realized i had left my hat on a chaise. She writes chaise. Only somebody that would write to an etiquette column would say something like chaise. So I dumped my stuff in my hotel room

and trekked back to the pool. The attendant had put my hat and towel in a hut. I thanked him. He replied, thank you doesn't pay the bills, ma'am. I shrugged to show him I had nothing but my room key. When I told my husband later, He replied, per room resort fee covered this. Your thoughts. That's a long way to go to justify stiffing the guy. Yeah, right. That's my take.

Yeah. And why involve us? Why waste all of our time? Yeah, I think a $5 tip is a lot less energy than fucking opening your laptop, writing a letter, sending it in, and then checking that newspaper day after day to see whether or not this person has told me how to tip. Yeah.

I mean, but if I'm putting myself in the woman's shoes, this is the first time I've heard this, I would not have taken it so well if he said that. Like, it's so easy to be gracious. Yeah. Also, I think when you go to a resort, you're paying for the right to be a douchebag for the week. You're paying to have people, usually natives, usually the native population,

you want them to be subservient so you can feel like a real colonialist. And so when they start rubbing back against what they're paying it's like you want you want that ugly part of you to go now if you didn't work at this resort how much would you get it would you be getting paid to pick fucking crops pick up the fucking towel well now that you put it that way that's very convincing i'm just saying people that go to resorts are douchebags. You know, well, listen, there's a lot of resorts.

She didn't mention this where you're kind of instructed not to tip. It's all inclusive, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I guess now I'm putting myself in the guy's position. I would divorce her. No, I'm kidding. I'm putting myself not in the husband's position. I'm putting myself in the pool boy's position uh i would divorce her no i'm kidding i'm putting myself not in the husband's position i'm putting myself in the pool boys uh position at that point he's not getting a tip you know what i mean like no he's not he's not trying to save it anymore and i remember listen i delivered chicken wings in boston when i was in college right seven eight three bird i think it was wing

it and uh it was like we would come back and we would scream at like the dispatcher guy. Like, will you tell him that the way we make our money is tips. Anyone that orders an MIT was famously like we would all the drivers you'd roll your eyes. If you had to go to MIT, I would honestly, I would deliver like a delivery of wings. Let's say it was $9.86. Making me stand there as he's counting the pennies to $9.86. Wow. I know. It was crazy.

I was trained. I was looking for a job, and my roommate at the time was on the football team, and he was a bouncer at one of those places where they had a bar and a restaurant. And so they trained me for like three days of how to be no it was like five days of how to be a waiter i had to trail the guy which means you have to like walk two steps behind a real waiter yeah and watch them do it and you don't get any of the fucking tips you just follow them around the whole time so i do this for like five days and then finally they like give me my own tray and they're like, all right, go get them. So I go out and these two guys order like fucking seven beers,

a bunch of shots. I'm delivering, we're joking around. And then I give them the bill and they gave me like a 50 cent tip and I fucking put the tray down and I walked out and I was done. Yeah, that was it. That was it. I don't know if this is in their defense,

but the MIT people I was describing were foreign born for sure. Mostly Asian students who there was a huge language barrier. So in trying to bring up even the concept of a tip, it was useless. Yeah. And my Subaru stunk like chicken wings, like, you know, buffalo sauce. It wasn't the best job. But a lot of people tipped you well because they were baked. Yeah.

Yeah. They were so happy to get their food. Do we have sports this week? Let me check. Hold on. Nope. No, hold check. Hold on. Nope. No, hold on. Come on, dig deep.

There's not much. I didn't have time to go into it. I did look at all the sports and their plans to maybe come back. So the NFL is going to be September 10th. That was where it was scheduled to be, so they haven't moved it. The NBA

is discussing maybe a playoffs at Disney World. I really should have more about that, but I only read one mention of that. And then the NHL is planning on... Yeah, they're coming back June 15th, I think. Ooh. Okay, you know more than I.

What I read today, although I did read, there's still tons of questions with every one of these announcements, and nothing like Major League Baseball is still trying to figure it out. There are proposals, but no one's taking it as a plan yet. And the NHL is proposing a 2014 playoff in July. 2014? 2014 playoff in July. 2014? Yep. Well, it's always so much anyway. I don't know.

I stopped following hockey. How many divisions? What, would four teams in each division make it anyway? So what was it, 16? The hockey playoffs take up literally one-third of the season. They go on forever. Well, it's the second season. That's what people call it.

Right, right. You barely have it's the second season. That's what people call it. Right, right. You barely have to try during the season. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's something that, like, my son is such a huge soccer fan that he'll watch anything. Like, Germany has started playing games again last week, and he'll wake up at, like, 5 o'clock in the morning to watch two German teams I've never heard of. Right.

And my son will know the names of almost every player on the team. He knows more about soccer. Wow. I would put him against anybody in terms of knowledge of soccer. He knows what club they trained at coming up, where they played at before, what national team they play on, what their stats are. And I mean, for like the German league, the, the, uh, the British league, is it the British league or the premier league?

Yeah. Um, you know, the, it's, it's amazing. It's incredible. I don't know where he fucking learns all this. Well, he's, he's an avid fan, man. He's watching it. Um, all right, let's get to some listener mail. This is a couple here. Wait, do we do business? I don't have any business. Do you have business? Hold on. Well, it must be confusing wherever our listeners are because

they'll announce, for instance, so Los Angeles announced restaurants can reopen. So it's restaurants, it's barbershops. What else did they announce? Bars cannot. And you also can't be in the bar area of a restaurant. And the restaurants can be at 60 percent capacity, although they're trying to encourage alfresco, you know, trying to encourage dining outdoors, which will increase capacity, I guess. But it's all very confusing there. And they have to meet a lot of requirements before they're allowed to open. But I just drove down Main Street in Santa Monica, and there are people eating outside of restaurants. I don't know if you've seen this yet. They're called homeless people.

There's also that. That's what it's going to be. You're going to be sitting at your table and the guy's going to be like, you going to finish that? Yeah. But one thing I noticed, and I mentioned it to you a little bit before the podcast started, was Garcia, I mean Garcetti. It's funny I call him Garcia because he loves to flex how much, you know, that he can speak Spanish.

But he, like so many politicians, there's this thing now when they get to Latino or a Latino or a Spanish word, they really put on the flair of the accent. And I'm beginning to think it's racist. Right. Because because they'll just go along like. And of course, listen, like even Garcetti was talking about the riots in Los Angeles and was like, listen. And again, this isn't just white people who should be concerned and it isn't just a black issue and it's not a Latino issue. And it's like, slow it down. Right. Right. And it's also like yeah if you're gonna do it that way then go and it's not just a motherfucking black issue yeah it's not well where does it stop but it's also like people have been doing it like you know it's like we don't say like uh and uh britain britain issue and uh yeah it's not like they're like it's french german latino

like yeah mexico like it's what's going on there they're not like it's French, German, Latino, like, yeah, Mexico. Like, it's what's going on there. They're not like it's France. You know, like they're not throwing on the accent. Yeah. This week in Guatemala. They was in Guatemala. No, I know.

And people in L.A., especially white people, I've noticed really do like they'll be like ordering in a restaurant like Like, yeah, I think I'll have a Coke and yeah, I think, yeah. And I'm going to have the chicken and can you bring us some tomatillo sauce? Make sure the tomatillo sauce and these selective words that are just, can I get an iced tea and I'll also have a pot five eyes. Right. I mean, I know pork fried rice isn't a Chinese word, but it's like, where does it stop, though? I mean, we don't completely turn it on with French words in a French restaurant.

Right, right. Yeah. It's like, I'll have some mustard and schnitzel. I'll have some mustard and schnitzel. Also, but it's an L.A. thing, so it's like, I don't know how far you go. Are you like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I took the 10 and I got off at Sepulveda, which is Sepulveda, which is what normal people call it. Tata Sienega, Tola Blea.

And then I went, you know, then I went, I banged a hard right down to San Bernardino. Because I was going to visit my ma in Cotamesa. And you know, my mom is Jewish. Where did you grow up? Well, I mean, I grew up in Carlsberg, but it was right on the border of Escondido. That's always the greatest argument, too, for all these people that go like, we got to get all these fucking Mexicans out of San Bernardino. Maybe they should get on La Cienega

because they don't belong here. There's that reporter. He's so annoying for NPR. Well, no, he's for KCRW. And he's the LA Times Orange County correspondent. And he's always like, hola. Like, that's how he says hello. And then every Spanish word he hits so hard,

while the rest of the words are just middle of the road. The guy could be from Chicago. Right. It's so annoying. All right. It's a good bit, though. It's a good bit, and that's my business. I think, honestly, like, Mike Gibbons only does stand-up comedy maybe twice a year.

He'll do the St. Patrick's Day show at the Improv. And then sometimes he'd do a benefit here and there. St. Patrick's Day show. And always fucking kills, much to the chagrin of the other comedians that are out there slugging it out night after night for years. And he comes in and just fucking destroys. Well, the bar is very, very lowered for me. You make sure everyone knows exactly what you just said.

I don't do it. So you make it so much easier. But anyway, that's a bit. You should work on that. That's a good bit, I think. Yeah, I should organize my thoughts. So that'll never happen. All right, I have a Dear Amy.

Ask Amy. Oh, we love Ask Amy. Since we did. This is advice. This is advice. Okay, this is a real one. It's Ask Amy. Oh, we love Ask Amy. Since we did. This is advice. This is advice. Okay. This is a real one. It's Ask Amy.

I got it out of the Chicago Tribune. Since we don't, we have some viewer mail, right? It's starting to trickle in. I'm going to read it right after you do this. Okay. Dear Amy, this week I discovered that my intelligent, hardworking, responsible 24-year-old daughter who lives with me is a gun owner! Oh, Jesus.

And it's not a normal gun either. It's a.40 caliber semi-automatic, and she has hollow point bullets. Amy, this is the kind of weapon a criminal would possess! She says it's for emergencies. I've given her three choices. She can either give her weapon to me, sell it, or move out in three weeks. I love my daughter and would be so sad for her to move into a place that she would hardly be able to afford. But now I have to lock my bedroom door

at night because I don't know what she's going to do. She says I don't trust her. Yeah. And is barely speaking to me. How can I convince her to stop endangering us? Signed dumbfounded father. Dear dumb father, buy a bigger gun. That's what that would be my advice. It's an art. Your house is officially engaged in an arms race right now. That's my own solution. And also, buy a bigger door because if she's got hollow point bullets and you're locking your door, that buys you about four to five seconds.

I also think you're not sharing everything. Like, okay, it's one thing for your daughter to have a gun and whatever, whatever bullet she has on. It's another thing how that gets to you locking your bedroom door at night. What was something that wasn't a nonstop flight to lock at your door? There was a stop in between there somewhere.

Yeah. Daddy. Yeah. Yeah. There was some friendly hand. Dad had some friendly hands at a certain point in her life. What you're saying, I think the only thing you could be saying is that you are afraid she's going to shoot you while you're sleeping. I mean, is there anything else that you're saying, I think the only thing you could be saying is that you are afraid she's going to shoot you while you're sleeping.

I mean, is there anything else that you're saying there? I also love that she says she got it for emergencies. What's the emergency? Are there drug cartels showing up in the middle of the night? I cut out one sentence saying the person said there had only been two home break-ins in their entire neighborhood in 10 years. Yeah. So that's added to the context of this. Oh, my God.

It's so crazy. I think she's part of a group. She's part of a group she's not telling them about. That's not a normal gun. I'm all for you. Look, if you want to have a gun in your house for protection and you're safe with it, you know, I'm all for it. But if you've got a gun like that you you've got your fan it's like what like you you're a fucking jackass and you take me out on a motorboat sometimes

and i'm fucking miserable and i realize the only reason anybody drives a motorboat is because they're fantasizing about like oh i'm gonna discover a new land or i'm in a race or some stupid shit that i'm not into and it's the same thing with those kinds of guns. You're fantasizing that you are in a cartel or that you're going to assassinate some third world dictator. You got some crazy fucking thought in your head. You're so wrong. First of all,

I drive my boat just so I can shoot my guns and not be around people. That's how I fish. But eventually I'm going to shoot my father. Also, this dad, she says I don't trust her. Maybe it's because your bedroom door's locked and when she knocks on it to say goodnight, you're opening it a crack. With a chain across it.

Telling her, I'll hug you, but hands up. Hands where I can see them. Hands where I can see them before I hug goodnight. What a lunatic. Oh, my God. All right, let's do a little bit of listener mail. Ooh, that doesn't sound like newspaper. You're not fooling me.

All right, but it's legal paper. All right, fine. This one comes from Joanne. I can't remember if I read this one last week. If I did, I don't give a fuck. I'm reading this one again. It says, I seem to have a crush on these guys. You're recycling the news again.

Did I read that one last week? Of course. I'm going to read it every single week. That sentiment certainly hasn't happened twice. So that's how I know you're repeating it. I don't know. I think that you and I are sexy to a certain type of woman. I'm not sure what type of woman that is.

I think that she's been trapped in a marriage for a long time. The kind of marriage where she's Christian, so she won't cheat. But she also is fucking ready. She's so ready for any guy. Low standards. I would say Joanne is about 30 years into a bad one. She's been married to a Minneapolis police officer. She's newly single.

Yeah, he's got a gun. All right, this one comes from Jim in Seattle. I can't go to church on Sundays now or watch sports, so thanks for giving me something to do besides pretending to enjoy my kids. They're one in three and not good kids. And they don't trust me. The only way you have a one-year-old and a three-year-old that are not good kids is if you are not a good parent. I miss the ages.

Oh, my God. That's hysterical. One in three. Give them a chance. That's the... I know they're tough, but... They're racist. They're bullies.

They forgot my birthday too. One of them forgot my birthday three years in a row. The other one forgot my birthday once. Oh my God. That's perfect. That's going on the list of clips. What did that, what did that remind me of?

They remind me of something earlier. I forget what it is. All right. Well, we're not going to do obituaries this week because it's such a dark week. We thought we would just go straight off to the Sunday comics, everybody. Oh, yeah. Newspapers have. You love them.

You wait for them every week. And this week we got some really good ones. We're going to start off with our old friend Andy Kapp. I haven't seen any of these for the record. Okay, go ahead. Andy Kapp is, of course, if you don't know the character, because let's be honest, not a lot of you, or I don't know how many of you read the Sunday comics growing up,

but they were a big part of my life. And Andy Kapp was in every Sunday. I'm eight years old. I'm learning about other cultures from the paper. Andy Kapp is a London. He's a guy from London that wears the little skull cap. And he's a drinker. And he's a gambler.

And he's not a good husband as shown in the following uh comic strip which as an eight-year-old i was reading in the sunday paper it's his wife and she's standing there and she screams i warned you i warned you if i warned you i'd tell the whole street if you ever laid hands on me again. Well, you're asked for it. She walks outside to the front stoop and she yells out, Me husband knocks me about. She walks inside and Andy walks out to the stoop and yells, and I'm not making this up,

Don't believe a word. Don't believe a word she says. She's punch drunk. That's the joke we would make. What? Alright. Wait, there's so much to unpack here.

First of all, is he beating her because she's Irish? I couldn't follow your story. I fucked up the accent. I'm sorry. I did my best. Because that makes a lot more sense. I thought it was going to be like, don't believe a word.

She's a fucking Irish slut. Oh, my God. I should have rehearsed. I should have rehearsed. And his accent was quite bizarre. But what? Yeah, yeah. I mean, where is that even?

This isn't in Viking times. This is not in Viking times. Aren't there cars? When is this supposed to take place? It was an early, I believe Andy Kapp ran for decades. And I'm guessing this one was written in the 50s. But the creator of Andy Kapp one was written in the 50s. But the creator of Andy Cap has placed it in the 50s, you think?

Yeah, it's modern day at the time that he was writing it. So the guy, I can't even read his signature. But yeah, it was 50s. I mean, if it's any time after 1900, I mean, or any time. Yeah. It's so insane or anytime. Yeah. It's so insane. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, Punch Drunk doesn't mean he slapped her with an open hand. It means she took concussive blows to the face repeatedly. That's what Punch Drunk is. She's concussed. She's not in her right mind. Yeah. Yeah. That's nuts. That's pretty good. We She's not in her right mind. Yeah. Yeah. That's nuts. That's pretty good.

We always love Hager the Horrible. Somebody wrote in and said you're pronouncing it wrong. It's Hagar. No, it's not. No, it can't be that, can it? No, it's got to be Hager. Hagar is a pronunciation. Our bass player on the Late Late Show, James Corden's band,

it's a woman, and her name's Hagar, and she's Israeli. I don't think that's the same as Hager. No. No. Okay. All right. So here's another one. Sunday Comics, always big with the ladies.

I know if I was a strong feminist, I would be all over the Sunday papers. Hager is sitting in a bar with another guy. He's got his big orange beard. What does a bar look like? You just see the bar itself, and he's got a mug, one of those steel mugs.

All right. But this is during Viking times. It's probably a pretty rustic bar. Go ahead. Yeah, it's got a little rape room in the corner, and his friend is saying to him, I just told my wife I was leaving her. She said I was being unduly cruel.

Hager says in the punchline to the strip, sounds like it's more than she can handle. Well, he's a good listener. He's, oh my God. It sounds like what he's saying is, I mean, there's two ways to read it. One is, and I hope this is the way it was meant, sounds like more than she can handle means, yeah, she needs to get out of the house.

The other way is that she's weak. Sounds like more than she can handle. I took the very nice view, which is Hager was taking her side maybe a little bit. Yeah, but I don't think, I don't know. Read it again. I just told my wife I was leaving her. She said I was being unduly cruel. Hager says, sounds like it's more than she can handle.

Yeah. It's also, if you're the writer of this goddamn thing, it is confusing. Like, it could be more than she could handle the fact that he, what did he tell her? Sounds like it's more than she can handle. Yeah, whatever. I'm all confused by it. I should have it in front of me. But the whole thing was thrown

because you told me that there was a rape room in the corner when I know that's patently false because the bars don't allow women. They have to come in through the service entrance. Women weren't served

and raped in bars until years later. Years and years later. They had to fight for that right. They fought for the right. Yes, exactly. And they didn't allow, that's why they didn't allow women to wear pants back then.

Harder to rape. Well, yeah, it just took longer for multiple rapes. You want to bring us through some family circus, Mike? I know it's your favorite. Oh, my God. Well, it's today's family circus, the one in Saturday's LA Times. So you just have to keep in mind,

I'm not looking for these. I'm not looking for particularly bad ones. This is just a perfectly random. In the course of this weekend, this is the family circus. So you can look at the little circle right there. And the little boy's coming in from outside. The father's opened the door.

He's reading the paper. He's probably not reading fucking family circus or he'd hanged himself by now. And the little boy has a skateboard in his hand. And he goes, our driveway has too many cracks in it. Can we get it repaved? And that in it. Can we get it repaved? And that's it. That's it. That's the beginning and the middle

and the end to that story. And ship it. Ship it. That one's done. Are you insane no rewrite necessary i fucking nailed it how about that's what a kid would say like yeah i don't even get it all right right wow how about making it into a ramp? Wouldn't that be more of a sort of fanciful imagination on the kid? Wouldn't that be funnier for our funnies? Right.

These should be sued. These should be in the obituary section because they're sadder than all the fucking dead people listed in there. And also, how many people die because of it? They kill themselves when they realize that this guy is making a very comfortable living, working upwards of 14 seconds a week. It's unbelievable to me. Yeah. I can't even break it down.

It's like so hard because it doesn't even make sense. Yeah. Daddy, there's cracks in the driveway. Can we get it repaved? Can we get it repaved? It's literally he has, maybe he drinks all week. Maybe this guy, what's his name again? Keene.

Yeah, Bill Keene. Bill Keene's an alcoholic. He gets up and he drinks morning, noon and night and then Saturday rolls around and his deadline is at noon he's still hungover he's sleeping on the couch because he pissed the bed and his wife kicked him out

and he just walks outside and it's the first thing that gets said and he writes it down and it says by Jeff Keen it says by Bill Keen up by the title but I think that's kind of the whole title and then by Jeff Keene, you know, it says by Bill Keene up by the title. But I think that's kind of the whole title. And then by Jeff Keene is written. So I think Jeff did this one.

Jeff is his son. But again, would even a child, even a dumb child, would a dumb child even be amused by that? No, I don't. I don't think so. No. I don't know who this is meant for. It's so crazy. All right right it's in the funny section they should be sued well we close it out the same week every time oh the same way every week i mean

here it is everybody's favorite little vixen it's blondie she She is, God, honestly, Mike, I look forward to Sunday because just to gaze on her, she's opening the front door, and she's got on a slit skirt. It's got a little slit on the side, and it's above her knee. She's leaning forward into the door so that her left calf is defined it almost has a shelf under it and it and it flows into her gentle ankle and her small foot and uh she looks up with big droopy doughy eyes as fucking bozo walks in dagwood who has a who has a briefcase like his job is so important he has to bring shit home and he says boy do i ever need to pick me up blondie without missing a beat steps in puts her arms around him and there's a

giant smack written across the top she gives him a big kiss right on the face heart's popping off the smack he's like he's leaning, drops the fucking briefcase. And then he grabs her by the arm and goes, actually, I was thinking along the lines of a pepperoni pizza. That must be so disappointing to you. If there was some way I could get that rifle that that girl keeps in the advice column with the hollow point bullets with the hollow point bullets find out where dagwood works and take him out i want it to be like chinatown i want to shoot him in the back of the head until he he falls over on the horn and i hear the horn going for a long time and i just walk away to find blondie to console her. You know what occurs to me? You know what Blondie is?

I know what she is to you. But in my watching Mad Men, she's January Jones. She's that one. But in Mad Men, the cracks are starting to show. She's not taking it any. You know what I mean? She has this douchebag husband who takes her for granted, yells at her when he shouldn't, comes home.

She's dressed to the nines. Waiting with a martini for him, face made up. Looks like a Barbie doll, and her outfits are extraordinary. Like, it's incredible. Yeah. But she has to start going to therapy because of this mistreatment that you're pointing out. The 50s is turning to the 60s in Mad Men.

That's what the whole series is about. And Blondie, unfortunately, I think was written in the 40s, and there was nothing but a middle management piece of shit who ignores his wife and cares more about food than this hot piece of ass who dolls her. Whatever, I can't get that into it. And she's not allowed to. She's not allowed to complain because he'll be like, oh, you're going to complain.

Do you hear Andy Capp's wife down the street? You want some of that in this house? And first of all, I asked you to marry me. Hager literally abducted her from another town. All right. Well, listen, thank you guys for listening if you enjoy the show we uh we uh compel you to go compel you sure uh with the power of christ compels you to go to apple podcasts look us up if that's not where you download it look us up there

comments give it five stars. Tell your friends. Isn't that this whole game? Subscribe. That's the key. Our numbers just keep going up every week. You don't even have to listen to us. Why not? Why not listen?

I'm just saying they don't have to, but they have to because you compelled them to subscribe. Also, check out Fitz Dog Radio every Tuesday. Andy Kindler's coming up. Mike Gibbons jumped in on the Andy Kindler recording. Andy Kindler's coming up. Mike Gibbons jumped in on the Andy Kindler recording. So funny. Oh my God. That goes up.

Not this week, but next week. And, and that'll do it. Mike, you want to plug anything? Uh, yeah, just hopefully,

hopefully things are okay over the next week. Uh, that's all. Uh, really, what can you say, man? So much over the next week. That's all, really. What can you say, man? So much happened this last week. It's amazing. But, you know, hopefully everything will be all right.

Hopefully the president, you know, does some presidential things. I'm not slamming him, but hopefully he doesn't fan the flames. That's all I'll say. Also, if you want to reach out, give us your thoughts about everything. You can always reach us at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. Also, send us your logos for the show. New one goes up every week. And also your songs.

Do we want to go out on a song? We'll go out on the song we came in on. Okay, sounds good. All right. Thanks again for listening and wrap it up. Wrap up a fish in it. Fish in it. Wrap a fish in it. Take it to the curb.

See you next week. All right. Take it easy. Read it in the Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Read Sunday Papers. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it with Greg and Mike.