Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 130 9/11/22

Episode Date: September 11, 2022

We dissect the unexpected shocking death of the Queen mum, Mike sobs during “Terms of Endearment”, Gavin wears a sweater, and there may be a new Bond. Gay Bond.

Here he goes. Read all about it. Yeah. Here he, here he is. Hey everybody. Get your papers. Get this. Get your papers. Find out what you missed this week. Here goes mine. Three, two, one. We gotta move, sir. We gotta move. Are you yelling yet or what? Read all about it! Read all about it! Get your papers! Here we are. It's gonna be a limited edition. It's the late afternoon.

It's thin. There's not a lot of sections. You're wondering whether or not you got your $2.50 worth out of your Sunday paper, but you did. What happened? We're back. We're back. Yes, yes we're back we took a week off people were

uh some people were very uh blown away by the episode and i think it i don't know if it was denman's idea or your idea to play the first episode my idea denman i told you had a better idea which was a best of but i don't know how we could pull that off. And I don't know if we could fill 90 minutes. You know, I think it was cool because it really was. It was the first week of the shutdown. And we didn't know that at the time that we recorded it. We didn't realize that within a week we were going to be told to stay at home.

And so it was kind of it was kind of trippy that that was our our week off episode and here i am two years later eating on the podcast i'm just finishing these are the last bites jesus christ i'm a pro man i'm a pro uh yeah you're a pro um so queen is dead long live the king long live the king and uh and what a king he is it doesn't seem right that he gets to wear like a double-breasted seville robe suit i think the guy should have to wear robes and i i mean if we're if we're gonna really pay for these people, if England is going to cough up all that fucking money and they're going to live in a castle,

put the fucking robe on, put the silly crown on, go all the way with it. I think he should have to wear his mom's hats. Yes. I think that is the way to do it. wear his mom's hats. Yes. I think that is the way to do it. Is it true they put those little, her little dogs down today? What? No, that's what they should have done. Wait, wait, that would be such a curveball. I think the world would be sadder if a bunch of corgis were just exterminated because an owner who sees them probably 20 minutes a day

when it's perfect conditions for her to see them yeah uh has passed yeah i i think uh if they if they wanted to because i think the royal family is about to be cut off there was a lot of talk during her tenure that apparently only about 30 percent of the population, I don't know if it's of Great Britain or if it's of England, believe that the royal family should still exist and that we should still pay for them. So the agreement was kind of once she's gone, we're done with the royal family and they're done getting subsidies so which isn't to say they don't have riches beyond belief and that they could you know streamline sell some artwork and still get through but those corgis would be a great place to start how much could you auction those fucking corgis off for oh my god that that is a really good idea actually do you think the royal family will um survive i would always say this and i don't know why obviously i'm not the only person

to think of it but i remember even when we were at ellen they would have these uh like it goes to the i think we had a car and we were trying to raise money for the environment. And there was a Prius, they were new, whatever it was. And it was a auction. And so it would go to the highest bidder. And I was like, you know, why don't you just do a lottery at $1 a ticket? When you make 10 times what the car's worth, you know what I mean? So with the Corgis, if you had a lottery and you could buy a $5 ticket to get one of the Queen Mums Corgis, do you know how many people would buy a $5 ticket to win one of the Queen's Corgis?

Yeah, but is the royal family going to release the royal dogs? The hounds? To some the royal dogs the hounds to some jack release the hounds to some jackass who bought a lottery ticket who that's how they acquire pets it's through a fucking law no they're gonna find a family this is my dumb idea this is your Stupid idea. God bless the queen. She's gone. I think that. She was number one on my list of biggest impact, biggest impact on the world, you know, of a dead person. Oh, that's right.

That's right. I think I might add Paul McCartney number two. Well. that's right i think i might add paul mccartney number two well has uh is nelson mandela still alive who nelson mandela oh no greg he's not oh that would have been good have any impact on you when he passed no not at all um my you know what's so sad is watching my wife who's irish watch this fucking royal funeral bullshit like it's like we couldn't watch football last night because we had to watch some cnn you know overview of the queen and it was like how much worse can we be treated by the british and still be such self-loathing fucking Irish that we fetishize their whole fucking culture? I know.

And they did that all over the world. They would sort of charm their, you know, colonies as much as they could while incredibly, you know, repretent beyond repressing them and killing them. Yeah. I know. I'm even thinking of ones that seem benign like Bermuda or, you know, the British Virgin Islands. Yeah. But still there, they did the same thing. How do you think they got in power there?

Well, and those were stopovers for the slave trade. Those were like the that's where you that's where you made your connections. Right. Yeah. It'll be interesting what happens with the legacy and everything. I do know that, I guess, I pulled up a chart. I don't follow. In fact, I got the British family wrong.

Two weeks ago, we were doing like voices of like what the visit between um son and mama must have been up there yeah and um and i i think said prince i i i was looking for prince andrew and i put someone else's name in there i forget who prince andrew's the pervert right yeah yeah i might have said edward who's his brother also anyway i called up a chart here do you know the line of order now behind king charles yes it's uh uh that william is the uh the heir he's certainly not the heir to the throne. You know what I'm saying? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I believe it's William. And then Harry stepped out. He's out. So I would imagine this is... He's still in line. He is? Well, it doesn't matter because he would have been number five anyway. There's a sister, right?

Sisters don't get shit. No, there's no sister. Yeah. Oh, no? No, no sister. Oh, just the boys. Okay. But the queen had a sister.

That's what I'm thinking of. Also, no, and, you know, King Charles had a sister. Yeah. Anne. Okay, so here's the line. We got Prince William in the number one slot as the number one heir to the throne. Then his oldest son, Prince George. Then Prince...

Whose oldest son? Williams. Oh. See, that's what happens is it sidesteps. Like, there's William and Harry who are brothers. But William's heirs get the throne over Harry. Why are we talking about this?

Well, this may all go away is what you're saying. Yeah. But people are excited about the possibility of King William. They like William. Billy boy. Yeah.

Yeah. I like, William. They like William. Billy Boy. Yeah. Yeah. I think they should put Andrew in there. If they want to get ratings back, put Andrew in as the king. He got thrown out because he was licking Fergie's toes. You remember that? Yeah. And he got caught.

He was, uh, and he, he got caught. They, some photographer sat in the woods and photographed, uh, Fergie topless while he licked her toes. Get that guy in. Yes. Where was that? This was at a pool at a resort somewhere. Probably in, probably in Bermuda. What was Fergie's deal before they got married?

Was she a commoner? Um, I don't know. I'd have to ask my, should I call my wife? Yeah, sure. All right. She'll know all this shit. Yeah. Ask her the score of the Rams game too.

By the way, British royalty was at the Rams game. Oh, really? Harry was there? Ozzy Osbourne sang at the halftime. I thought he was going to give a shout out to the Queen. No such luck. I know. He just said he wants

to move back to England. He wants to die in England. What's that? I'm in my board meeting. What? Oh, what was Fergie's? You know, Andrew's wife, Fergie. Was she royalty? Who was she before she got married into the.

She was some kind of aristocrat. Just fucking Google her. She was, you know, I think less of an aristocrat than Diana. But, you know, some upper crust, something or other. Right. And he got caught licking her toes, right? No, no. Someone else licking her toes.

Oh. Sucking on her toes. No. Google it. It'll all come up. All right. Thanks, baby. Google.

That's what I say to my kids when they ask me. Very easy to find, you know, answers. be very easy to find uh you know answers um well i don't know i i don't know and i don't want to know i met the queen i met the queen once did you know that i did not know that i was over in england and i was doing some stuff and they booked me on a, uh, on a game show. And she was my partner on the game show. And it was like, it was like a 20 questions kind of a game show. And the craziest thing was the first answer that she was trying to guess using 20 questions was ready ready for this, moose cock. I mean, how fucking weird is that? It was moose cock. And so she says, and they said, okay, begin.

And her first question is, can you eat it? And I was like, I thought about it for a second. I was like, yeah, I guess so. And she goes, is it moose cock? I remember you guys did so well that first round. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking nailed it.

That's, yeah. You guys did. She let me keep the money we won, too. She's like, we have plenty of money, Gregory. So, Gregory. Yep. All right. So Gregory. Yep. All right. We got a note from Chris Denman, who's back on his job.

Ferg, the intimate picture shot as a couple lays by the pool showed her financial advisor, Texan millionaire John Bryan, kissing and sucking the Duchess's toes and the arch of her foot. He really got in there. Huh. So that caused a divorce and it led him to pursue underage girls on Epstein's Island. I blame her. Allegedly. I do think it happened, but I think we have to say that.

It definitely there's a picture of them. I have no doubt about that. They say the queen died peacefully, which is not the way any queen should die. If you if you were really ruling, if you were fucking ruling with a capital R, you died a violent, torturous death in the town square. You got beheaded. It is this quiet. I mean, what kind of what kind of royal family is this? No, I know. And, you know, Charles was going to maybe change his name.

Because the last Charles was beheaded. Oh, no shit. Yeah, I did read that. And there's a way. I didn't know that was an option. He could change his name. Yeah. But it is.

I know the viewers, the listeners already know. We do not know much about this stuff for sure. Yeah. All right, let's move on to the real story this week well wait i think though um where is my outline of the um all right are we gonna talk about them as the first news story or have we already exhausted it no we're gonna talk about me at the top of the show once again. So I'm out. I told you the story already.

I was out three days ago at Venice Beach. It was me, Aaron, and a couple of our friends. Oh, yes. And I'm out swimming. You know, the water has been super warm lately. The waves have been, it was not a a full moon but it was getting up there and then the tide suddenly got really fucking strong all of a sudden the waves started like it became like seven foot waves out of nowhere and i was out there i was body surfing and all

of a sudden i was getting hammered by waves and i started to get a little panicked like all right it's time to get it's time to get the fuck out of the water and as i'm thinking that i look to my left and there's a dude further out from me and he's got on goggles and he's bobbing up and down and i was like dude are you all right and he's like no i need help and i was like oh fuck so i swim out wait is he a black dude he was a black dude. How did you know that? It just sounded the accent you gave him. No, you already told me the story.

So I go out and he's probably about late 30s, maybe 40 years old. And he's got on goggles. And I go, okay. And meanwhile, you have to remember something. I was trained as a junior lifeguard. Failed. Failed the course. old and he's got on goggles and i go okay and meanwhile you have to remember something i was trained as a junior lifeguard oh failed failed the course i failed the course because i was high every fucking day me and my friends all did it we were all high and uh so i go all right turn around i'm gonna get you in a cross chest carry just relax your body so i get him in a cross chest carry so i'm leaning back his back is against

me and i'm doing a side stroke that's what you do you're gently spooning him i'm gently spooning him and i'm whispering everything's gonna be all right everything's just let go just let go just let go and so we swim we swim and then a wave comes and i'm like dude hold your breath and relax your body wave lands on us we get taken down spun around come back up i find him again get him in the cross chest carry no not again i could do better without you i say get the cross chest carry i'm dragging him i'm dragging him We're making some progress. And then another wave comes, sucks us back in. I mean, this goes on.

When I say this goes on for two minutes, I want you to fucking set your watch for two minutes and see how long that is when you are being humbled. No, I can feel it by how long the story is. Go ahead. So I'm saving him. I'm saving his life. and we start to make some progress and i get to the point where i reach down and i and my toes can touch the sand the waves are still

landing on us but at least now i'm so exhausted i can no longer swim and so i am on the sand and i am pushing his body away from the waves and he's starting to get some traction and all of a sudden the lifeguard boat the baywatch boat comes pulling up and one of these beautiful red suited lifeguards dives in the water he fucking grabs my guy he and and takes him in takes him in he oh, oh, don't cry. Oh, oh, oh. Everybody's, ooh, the Baywatch guy. What about me?

He fucking left me. I get hit by another wave. I get sucked back out. Now I can't swim, and I'm stuck in the wave, and he's bringing this guy. Flailing, holding your White Lives Matter, big placard. Yeah.

So anyway, long story short, I get out of the waves and I start walking in and I'm telling you every fiber of my body was exhausted. I was so out of breath. These waves would come and I had no breath left. And somehow I survived. And I walked in and I'm pushing through this heavy water. The undertow is trying to pull me back out. And I finally get to, I sat on the sand with like a million mile stare for like five minutes.

Couldn't move my body. And then I got up and I started walking. And then I see the guy and he sees me and he comes over and he just thanks me from the bottom of his heart. Shaking my hand. He's like, dude, you saved me. Blah, blah, blah. And then my wife comes over and he just thanks me from the bottom of his heart, shaking my hand. He's like, dude, you saved me, blah, blah, blah. And then my wife comes over. She's like, hey, I saw the lifeguard save you. To me.

Yeah. You couldn't have saved him better? Why didn't you Google it? So in that staring out of the ocean for five minutes is over and over in your head you're like i'm never saving a black guy again just you know what i'm a hero i'm a hero mike and as you know this is not the first time i've saved somebody this is the not the second not the third this is the fourth time I've used my junior, almost junior life-saving degree to save human life. I think what we're learning is you

too often swim in dangerous places. Like you're looking for it. Yeah. Well, the ocean is a bear, man. You know this, it comes up out of nowhere on you sometimes. You just never know. Sure does. You never know. Have you ever saved a human life? No. And I'm trying to think.

I almost drowned in the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. That's the closest I came where I was actually. I mean, I've been held under a lot and had like many little scares, but the Grand Canyon, I'm like, I think I'm dead. You're whitewater rafting. Yeah. And we pull over and we camp for the night. And then there was a rock you could jump off of, but the river is really moving in it. And it moves faster than you think. And I was still young. I was like probably 20. So I didn't, I respect rivers a lot more now. And I also like add a lot of speed to how fast I think it's really moving. So anyway, then the guy goes, well, if you jump in, like jump towards the shore, like don't even

jump out because it's moving so fast. It'll be really hard for you to get back the shore. Like don't even jump out. Cause it's moving so fast. It'll be really hard for you to get back to shore. And you know, we went a little, I went a little above camp. Anyway, long story short, I jumped. I'm like, fuck that. And I jumped out. And when I came up and I thought I came up instantly, I was already past camp. Wow. And, and then eventually it was just going to be a rock Canyon. And I swam the hardest I ever swam. And I knew enough not to swim against the current, but I was swimming sideways. And that's still sort of, you know, you're not really, you probably should have gone, they say in the riptides, swim at a diagonal with it, you know, and gradually get out.

Like you're, you know, like exiting a highway. Yeah. And I didn't have that time so i went straight across perpendicular anyway i was like you when i got to shore like there was nothing left in my arms there was nothing left in my lungs and i didn't even get fully out of the water i crawled up and no one saw me thank god i crawled up on land and just like stayed face down on the shore. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy.

It's crazy because it is, it's literally life and death. That's the thing about swimming is a funny activity. It's like, okay, I'm going to go out into a body of water where I'm not a fish. I can't swim. What I can do is I can briefly survive. They shouldn't call it swimming. They should call it briefly surviving. Gravity is trying to pull you into an element, a substance that you cannot survive in.

It's pulling you into it. And you're playing with that idea. You're teasing that idea. That's what swimming is. Well, my number one thing with my kids was i taught them more than anything was stay calm and just when in doubt whenever anything goes wrong just roll on your back and float you know like and so and they both become like you know and same with jojo like great swimmers and surfers and so uh they're really really comfortable but i was comp i

remember going once uh short story but i went to get scuba certified in Florida. Jeff Brown, my roommate, you know, well, Jeff brought his friend, this guy, Tom, they get in the water and they put a mask on and Tom is not good at it at all. Anyway, he's not good. He, he wound up not getting his scuba license. He was so uncomfortable in the water. And the dive master just goes, did your mom swim? I said, he was so uncomfortable in the water. And the dive master just goes, did your mom swim? And he's like, no. And he's like, I knew it.

He's like, that's my first guess with everyone who I see is nervous in the water. Almost always their mom didn't swim and instilled fear in them when they were little around pools, the ocean, lakes, whatever. Really? Yeah, my mom didn't swim. She was afraid of water. And look at you pan panicking like crazy, completely ill-equipped to save a black man who's drowning. Yeah.

I'm not a good swimmer. You're not? I'm not a good swimmer. Wow, that's wild. You go out there in those conditions. Yep. Now, wait a minute. I want, with the end of your story, I'd like to hear you guys are gonna like stay in touch you're gonna do thanksgivings together or whatever i really

was looking i felt like that was his move i didn't feel like it was mine as the hero in the situation i felt that he should have said let me get get your number. Do you have a business card? Let me send you a pie. Let's meet for coffee so you can get to know the life you saved. I mean, it's my life now as much as his because I've saved it. Yeah. Yeah. Also, the Constitution didn't say he's one-fifth the value of you,

so you're going to run with that also? Right, right. No. I like that you've taken ownership of his life. That's a strong move to say out loud also. You're right. He should have, of course, at least send you a bottle of wine, flowers, something. Yeah. A flotation device for future saves.

But these lifeguards, they are, Venice Beach lifeguards are fucking good, man. Because, you know, they, I think another one had actually run in from the beach as this guy jumped off the boat. They keep a boat just offshore and they go back and forth. And I think the radio, the beach lifeguard radios in if they see something happening. And I think that's what happened. Well, I think, yeah, they're also the catch-all for rip currents,

you know, when you get caught in one of those. Yeah. We were definitely in a rip current, for sure. Maybe you didn't want to stay in touch because before that first wave hit the both of you when you had your grab on him, your erection must have felt terribly uncomfortable to him. I call it a rudder. It's how you, it keeps the ballast.

It keeps you centered in the water. It's not for fun. I think it's a mutter also. Oh, man. Okay. What is this that says terms of endearment under top of the show? What does that mean? Oh, this is just our little chat part, but I watched that movie with Olivia last night.

The ultimate tearjerker of tearjerkers. Yeah, you know, and- Jack Nicholson. Who was nowhere. You know, that movie saved his career. Like, he hadn't yet figured out to play an old man. You know what I mean? No kidding. Oh, no, no. That was a big that's very well known that that movie turned Jack Nicholson. He was a little unhirable before that because he was no longer a leading man.

You know who I didn't know is it was Danny DeVito is really funny in the movie. And and he and DeVito Nicholson Deito, had been in Cuckoo's Nest together. Right. But he was very funny playing a Southern guy. And Shirley MacLaine, it's just one of the great performances in the history of film. She got an Oscar for it. I hope. I mean, I didn't even look up what won and what didn't.

It was an amazing movie. McMurtry wrote the book and James L. Brooks wrote the screenplay and directed it. And yeah, it was amazing. And, um, but when you watch with kids and you find this too, you get very self-conscious watching a movie about, is this too long? Is this holding their attention? Is this holding up, you know, stuff like that. And, uh, one thing it was Olivia pause, like, like halfway through, it was like, she's like, I'm getting like too many, like creepy vibes from Nicholson. And I of course died laughing, but she was kind of right. And so I had to explain, I go, God, this is going to

sound terrible because you guys have been taught not to accept any of this context that explains, you know, piggish behavior. But this is a playboy like he's his character is written as a real ladies man. They've established that, you know, like this is the guy he would have had a stack of playboys on his coffee table, you know, and he was he had the Corvette convertible and he they showed him with young girls and he's lecherous but the lecherous thing is you have to be careful like it has to be just enough that's acceptable and that's what it was at the time yeah and now it is it was like it was a little weird and i hate to say that um but uh that was a little weird. And it's also longer than I remembered. So many of the classic old movies I like, I'm shocked at their brevity. You know, they were so good and concise and tight. Yeah. This was over two hours. Yeah. Did you cry? I did. You did. I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did Olivia cry? Yeah. Wow, that's awesome. And we didn't look at each other.

Yeah. Did you make noise when you cried, or was it just like some tears came out? I made one unintentional one when I was trying to not cry. It might have sounded like a cough or a really pathetic whimper. It's no wonder she didn't look over. But you have to understand there's also this, like there's all the nostalgia with this. So you, I remember crying in the theater and, and also like Jack Nicholson apparently is a goner. Like he, he has, from what I've heard, the dementia is so bad. That's why I can't go to Laker games anymore. Like, and then like, I don't know how Shirley MacLaine's doing,

but, you know, they're all going to be gone really soon. Yeah. And then that little boy, who knows, but I remember, you know, the youngest boy is the heartbreaker. Yeah. Jesus Christ, is that kid cute. The movie was nominated for 11 Academy Awards, and it won for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress for Shirley MacLaine,

Best Supporting Actor for Jack Nicholson, and Best Adapted Screenplay. That's a fucking sweep. Jesus. Damn. We want to give a shout- Wait, wait, wait. Wagner, what's her, Deborah Winger didn't get anything? She was probably nominated, but she didn't win it. She was also amazing. There's a scene

in New York, which I forgot about, and she's kind of supposed to play the rough around the edges, uneducated, and unsophisticated more than anything, Texan. And, oh man, you didn't see how much she was pulling that off with everything,

with posture, with everything until she was in a socialites apartment in New York. Wow. God, yeah. She was just incredible. You know who else is incredible is Craig Godet, who did this week's logo. Nice segue. It's a nod to the late Mikhail Gorbachev, who passed away last week when we were on vacation. And also the song this week from David Chamberlain,

who does a phenomenal amount of great work for us. And he did a song that, who knows, this could be, could very well be the song that becomes permanent. I mean, Rob Dukes is in the running. It was a great song. A little bit of, sounded like a little bit of ska type riff in there. Little ska, very upbeat, very...

Not English beat. Who was, I'm trying to remember the band. Madness. Yes. Had a hint of madness to it. And, um, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What were you doing?

So I'm just looking up. David Chamberlain is, uh, he's a music producer at recordla.com if you want to check out his work. Anyway. Wow. Also, dates coming up. I'm going to be speaking of spectacular. I will be in Lowell, Arkansas this weekend, the 16th and 17th of September at The Grove.

And then New Orleans, October 6th. Are you coming to the Howlin' Wolf? October 6th? No. And then Laf, October 6th. Are you coming to the Howlin' Wolf? October 6th? No. And then Lafayette, Louisiana, the next night, October 7th. Den Theater in Chicago, October 15th. San Francisco Punchline, November 3rd through the 5th. Also coming to Oklahoma City, Tampa, and Dallas, Texas. Go to, or Fort Worth, actually. Go to FitzDawg.com for all your ticketing needs.

Listen. Uh-oh. I don't always have time to read, Mike, as you know that. That's why I love Audible.com. They've got every genre, celebrity memoirs, mysteries, thrillers, motivation, wellness. They've got Audible Originals. As a member, you get one title a month from their catalog, and you get access to a growing selection of audiobooks, Audible Originals,

and podcasts that are included with membership. You can listen to all you want and get more added every month. I love the app because I listen to it every night. I go to bed every night listening to Audible. I have for the last 12 years. I listen to dry nonfiction. Right now I'm reading the biography of Jesse James and it talks

a lot about Missouri during the Civil War which was a really so funny. Think about the Civil War as there were the red states and there were the blue states and they were fighting and it was either a home game Are we talking about the one in two years? Right.

It'll be the same fucking states. And it's either a home game or an away game. Then you've got a state like Missouri where it was split, where you had the unionists and you had the secessionists, and they were neighbors. And some people had slaves and some didn't. And that kind of dictated which side of the war you were on. And so Jesse James started out his career in crime basically as a confederate soldier and committing atrocities against innocent people that happen to be unionists it was crazy

wow yeah anyway so a lot of those western, the premise is these were soldiers who were like kind of trained and became very brutal. And then they were hired. You know, some became sheriffs. But I mean, even true grit, I think. But a lot of them, the premise was this guy was a real killer, you know, for the Confederates. Yeah. And now is a bounty man or something like that, you know? Well, I mean, it was kind of what it was like. It was not like they didn't ever have uniforms. They were called bushwhackers, these Missouri secessionists.

And they just marauded. They went into people's homes, ate their food, killed them, you know, just went from house to house in different areas of they were either in Missouri or Kansas. And they just kind of wandered. And it was very undisciplined. It was very unorganized. It was no leaders. It was utter chaos. People lived in fucking hell. Wait, we're going to get back to Audible because I have a book I just. Oh, yeah. What do you what do you listen to on Audible? Wait, we're going to get back to Audible because I have a book I just added. Oh, yeah.

What do you listen to on Audible these days? Get this. Here it is. Directed by James Burroughs. He's the Spielberg of TV directing when it comes to multicams, which is, you know, like in Cheers, he co-created. And he directed, I was lucky enough to direct it. The Great Endors, he directed your show. No, no, the one before it, the half of it.

So anyway, and he was very protective of me and was awesome he has a gruff amazing and one of the reasons i love audible especially is when the author reads it and um because i read tom uh our friend tom o'neill's book and tom didn't read chaos and and he was bummed about it and i I really wish he had. But I also listened to Chaos because the book was so dense. I found listening to it, at least with me, it was easier to follow. Another reason I love Audible. But one question about the Civil War. I wonder what the person like the the square, the land.

If you if you looked at the north and the South in terms of how much land they had, I mean, the North, it's kind of an overstatement to even call it the North. I mean, Virginia was the South, right? Right. Kentucky. Was Maryland the South? I think so. And of course, wasn't Sumter there?

I know that Maryland was definitely a safe haven for escaped slaves because that's where Frederick Douglass went when he got out. I'm wondering if Pennsylvania was the line. But listen, like, so Kentucky, right? I got to know Kentucky and Tennessee now, especially, you know, through our friend Ben Hoffman. So Tennessee is below Kentucky. Nashville, technically by a few miles, is closer to Lake Michigan than it is to the Gulf. Fascinating. And keep in mind, Kentucky is a full state above that.

Like, in other words, and Kentucky, I think of as the South. Wow. I mean of as the South. Wow. I mean, it is weird. Like, it was really, the North was like this Northeast island. Right. Well, listen, let Audible help you discover. Let Audible help you discover new ways to laugh, be inspired, or be entertained. New members can try it for free for 30 days.

Visit audible.com slash papers and text papers to 500 hyphen 500. That's audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 slash 500 to try Audible free for 30 days. Audible.com slash papers. I mean, I can't feel more strongly about endorsing a company as I do with Audible. Great selection. Anyway. Listen, we clearly, we're not just talking the talk. We both have it.

I love Audible. All right, let's get to the front page, Mike. Jeepers, creepers, are we going to talk about the royal family? No, I think we already covered it. Well, I don't know about that. Extra! Extra! We all have thought it! Extra! All right, the Queen is the longest-running monarch in British history. She was 96.

She died peacefully in Balmoral this afternoon. Balmoral this afternoon. Balmoral. The king and queen consort will remain at Balmoral this evening and return to London. Tomorrow, the queen is preceded in death by her husband of more than 70 years, Prince Philip, who died at 99. He's fascinating. Philip, who died at 99. He's fascinating. She's survived by her three sons, Prince Charles, Andrew, and Edward,

one daughter, Prince Anne, eight grandchildren, and 12 great-grandchildren. Did you ever see The Queen? Not the movie, the Netflix show? Oh, The Crown. Yeah, it was the best. The Crown. Sorry, I guess I have to see that, huh? Oh, you got to see it.

It's amazing. People, I watched the first two, I think. No, I mean, you didn't get to the Olivia Colman one yet. She's great. She's one of my favorite actors ever. You know what was really funny is when the Queen, when news broke, one of the first headlines I saw was, Helen Mirren shares thoughts on the Queen. Like, this stupid world we live in,

it's kind of like the statue of Rocky instead of Joe Frazier in Philadelphia. Like who gives a shit what Helen Mirren, like now, shouldn't that be like day four or something? I read some interesting things though. So the national anthem has to change now because for since 1950 what year did you take it 52 i think even earlier yeah um the national anthem has been god save the queen it is no longer the fictional national anthem so what they're thinking is, will the sports arenas, when they're singing along,

will they change? I'm saying not for a while. Okay. Like the first soccer game. I'm interested to watch that. I think that'll be really interesting. I think especially in tribute, they will all sing God Save the Queen. Get this. All the money has to change because her picture's on it. Are they really going to do that? Yes. Well, I mean, it'll probably be faded out. Yeah.

But yes, they will. Wow. All right, enough about the fucking queen. Let's talk about Gavin Newsom right here in L.A. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I did want to talk about one thing. Did you see the official cause of death that came out? No.

Having a black great-grandchild? Yeah. More scandalous than the one that died fucking a horse. No, on her death certificate, cause of death, it just says Meghan Markle. By the way, that 100 percent contributed to it. No doubt. Yeah.

Now, did you see that? Whatchamacallit, Megan went to London, is there. And the huge speculation now is she was told to stay, do not come to bow. And she did not go. She did not go no she did not go that's crazy no it's super crazy and he what's him a call it showed up late uh wait i think i have all this prince uh prince uh harry then missed her death wow apparently apparently only two people, I think King Charles and her sister, like were by her side. But then Harry was on a private plane chartered from London and was not on the plane with William and Kate Middleton, I guess. So, um, interesting. And what about Prince Andrew?

Is it the toe sucker? Oh, no, he wasn't the toe sucker. The businessman was. No, he wasn't. That was the problem. But is he invited, Prince Andrew? I think they're all, I think they then all were invited. And then also Harry, I guess, left first.

Without Meghan, I wonder how many black people were there. You know, they needed the diversity. They could have used her. I don't even think the help is black up at Belmoral. I really don't. I know it's a terrible thing to say, but I'm saying it about the British family who essentially owned black people

all over the planet. Well, Gavin Newsom was slammed as a hypocrite Wednesday for wearing a fleece coat and all over the planet. Well, Gavin Newsom... Oh, we're just doing that. All right. ...was slammed as a hypocrite Wednesday for wearing a fleece coat in a seemingly air-conditioned room

while urging residents to save energy amid a historic heat wave. Quote, California is experiencing an unprecedented heat wave. This will be the hottest and longest on record for September. So, anyway... I'm on his side on this one i hate gavin for many reasons this is not one i mean what was he supposed to do should he have sat in a sauna first

shirtless and been dripping wet and sweat and come out and pleaded for people to not use their air conditioning so do you know what his point was what his whole message was please everybody like we only have two more nights of this or one more night please just set your thermostat at 78 oh jesus and he goes when you come in out of the cold he goes it feels cold he's like i put on a Now, you could maybe call him a liar, but what he was trying to say is 78 is so reasonable. I'm wearing a fleece. Yes. Well, that's not a terrible message. I wear a fleece at night.

It gets cold here in California at night. Maybe he taped it in the evening. Except his message is it's so goddamn hot. We have taped it in the evening. Except his message is, it's so goddamn hot, we have a problem on our hands. Anyway, my cousin started sending me memes. I have two cousins that live in Connecticut. Robbie Hoynes and Michael Hoynes.

And they fucking hate California. And they send me all these memes. And they think the memes are funny. It's like it's so funny. We see middle aged guys discover memes and that they can send them out and they just get meme crazy. Yeah. They all like this year find like the fire girl, you know, the girls like with that look in front of the house. Bring that whatever a meme from, you know, eight years ago was.

house burning down or whatever a meme from you know eight years ago was oh no these memes were like it was chevy chase in uh in some movie like plugging in oh yeah yeah christmas lights christmas lights and you know one was cute one of them was like george costanza on a uh on a one of those little motor things that people wear, ride in casinos. Uh-huh. And it's just that here's Greg during the pandemic. All right, that's cute. But, like, 12? Do I need 12 memes?

Well, there's so many things to rightly hate California for. And being, like, trying to avoid blackouts. And I know, I guess they're pointing to a hypocrisy of we're going to be a leader in the, for the world in terms of electricity and, um, and getting off of, you know, the old, the old systems. But I don't know, as this happened, Austin's airport in Texas lost power for like three hours and fucked up their whole airport and basically a lot of the country because it's, you know, it's a hub for some flights. And so like what we're supposed to do that instead. Why not do everything you can do to avoid. I know.

I mean, rolling blackouts. You know, we we are, you know, the laboratory for a lot of new technologies and new ways of living. And everybody benefits from them later. But they love to shit on them now, you know. Yeah, we got electric cars. And we ran out of electricity. Is that the premise of the joke? I shit on Los Angeles especially a lot, like a real lot.

But occasionally I have to go through this drill and remind myself, like, you know, it's a poorly run city and all that. This county of Los Angeles, and I'll fact check this, and I'll come back next week with this. The county of Los Angeles, I think the county of Los Angeles' budget might be bigger than 40 of the states. I believe so. You mean 40 of the states. I believe so. You mean 40 of the states combined? No, no, no, not combined. Oh, it is bigger than a lot of them combined, but the smaller ones. But I think, like, and that's, remember, not California.

I'm just talking about the city we live in. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And it's ridiculously unwieldy and it's amazing it runs at all quite honestly yeah um there were do we need to do this one uh and when you have a city packed with so many selfish people i still i can't believe it runs at all a college dean who landed her job by claiming to be a Native American artist who peddled thirty five thousand dollar quilts.

Oh, yeah. Just like Native Americans do. Has resigned in disgrace after it was revealed that she is the daughter of a of a Maine pageant queen. pageant queen. Alleged identity fraudster Gina Adams, 57, was born in Connecticut to white ancestors and announced her resignation on Tuesday. She is said to have posed as a member of the White Earth Reservation to bolster her career. And she's a professor at Vancouver, Canada. She claimed her grandpa was taken from the white earth reservation in minnesota and forced into a pennsylvania boarding school which was designed to assimilate indigenous children into the american way of life but an investigation says her claims are all lies yeah

her grandfather was taken from a reservation after he tried to push over a slot machine that took his pension check. I don't know. Hold on. So this boarding school was dying for poor Native Americans? I think it was trying to assimilate indigenous children who were pretty incredible with a lacrosse stick. I think that's what this boarding school was doing. Right, right, right. Yeah, this was the next Jesse Owens.

That's the kid who got drafted. But, I mean, that's how embarrassing to go back to work on Monday. Oops. Hey, guys, peace and love. I'm hoping that for some of you that rejected me because of my race before, we can now become friends. I'm one of you. Let's deal with those Indians, right? Wait, it wasn't Jesse Owens.

Who was it? Wasn't it Jesse Owens? Oh, no. He was black, right? No. Thorpe? Jim Thorpe. Jim Thorpe. Do I have I have that right yeah I think that's right widely considered or many he's in the running of best athlete ever ever in any sport and another one and both what they have in common is not only a first name but lacrosse is

Jim Brown he wasn't Native American. No, no, no. But in terms of people who talk about one of the best athletes of all time, and they had lacrosse in common. That's what I was saying. And Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah, no lacrosse there, though. Caitlyn played lacrosse under a different name at Sleepy Hollow High School in Tarrytown, New York, where I grew up. We grew up in the same town. She's not Native American. She's also not even

a native. She's not even a native woman. I think I can maybe say that. I think I can maybe say that. All right, let's get to entertainment. If you talk about nativity, I bet I can semantically defend that she's not a native woman. In entertainment, Luke Evans addresses rumors he could be the first gay James Bond. I don't think it matters, he said, that his sexuality is irrelevant to the Bond fans. I don't know about that. Yeah, he said, I don't know what the current temperature is with audiences, whether they care enough to worry about what James Bond does in the bedroom.

Shaken. Shaken, not stirred. And throw an umbrella in there if you would there, handsome. Pussy galore. Disgusting. Pussy galore. Where's cock everywhere? Their character. Their new character.

Well, was Top Job, was that one of them? I'm trying to remember. I should have gotten a long list. Bond. This watch shoots poison darts, acts as a detonator for your car bomb, and by the way is a real boner magnet. It's Gucci. Here, wait, here.

I got a list now on my phone here of the Xenia Onatop. Onatop was one that could still be, just change it to a man. Obviously, Pussy Galore. Let's see what the next one is. Octopussy, I guess, was one. Octocock, a man with eight cocks. Well, was one. Octocock. A man with eight cocks.

Well, this one works. Plenty-O-Tool. There you go. Plenty-O-Tool. It was written for this. Dr. Holly Goodhead was in Moonraker. Yeah. So Dr. Jolly Goodhead.

That's a very easy one. Yeah, Pussy Galore was in Goldfinger. Okay. Well,. Jolly Goodhead. That's a very easy one. There's yeah. Pussy Galore was in Goldfinger. Okay. Well, Goldfinger, maybe. Yeah. Anyway, uh, I don't know. Uh, of course I think it'll be, it'll be fine, but a lot of people won't like it. Of course, you know, But a lot of people won't like it, you know? I mean, what? I can just see the right-wing trolls going off about this. Well, there's nothing sacred. I don't know.

Let him be gay. I think it's hilarious. A gay James Bond would be fucking awesome. The opening, he does whip around with a gun, and there's a giant sphincter. Yeah. Right? Yeah. gun and and there's a in a giant sphincter yeah yeah right yeah moon raker but it's a guy's ass it's not the moon that he's on on all fours oh um tom hanks revealed on the happy sad confused podcast that a sequel to forrest Gump was a serious possibility

for only 40 minutes. The Oscar-winning drama was based on the 86 novel, which led to the film adaptation, was a box office powerhouse earning $678 million worldwide, becoming the top-grossing film in the U.S. in 1994.

Hanks won the Oscar for Best Actor. The film took home the prize for Best Picture. Oh, God. Can you believe that? What? I mean, was it Best Film? What was it? Chris, look up what films Forrest Gump was up against.

This is a famous thing that happened. Forrest Gump won, right? I was in the peak of my like cool. You know, I guess I was basically a hipster then. But I live between Film Forum and Angelica Film Center. I love I was dying for like edgier movies like The Cook, The Wife, The Thief and Her Lover. Like I just wanted to be challenged. I don't know when Trainspotting came out. train spotting came out that was incredible and yet popular and this movie was a real dividing line where cool people would not admit it was a good movie right and with time a lot of those cool people have come back and said it listen it's obviously a good movie. It may not be your favorite, you know, and it may be, you know, too broad.

But it was pretty remarkable. Was it Spielberg? No. Spielberg was, he, I think he even announced the winner. Because Zemeckis, I think, was the director. Oh, here, it was Wendy Feinerman, tish and steve starkey uh it was up against robert zemeckis one director all right so it was up against pulp fiction how the fuck do you beat that's right fiction that's exactly right that's the perfect that's why also all the cool kids

were furious yeah Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you talk about a movie that deserved an Oscar. Four Weddings and a Funeral, which was also cornball. Quiz Show was okay. Shawshank Redemption. People are mixed on that. I find it kind of corny. Some people think it's genius.

Same. I do, too. You think it's corny?. I do, too. You think it's corny? Well, oh, Ed Wood. Yes. No, no, I do. You listen. It's heavy-handed, you know, I think. And I think Tim Robbins is, I don't know.

It was me. Listen, it was dumbed down also, I believe. Wasn't it a short story by, I believe Shawshank Redemption was a short story by Stephen King. I think you're right. Which would never happen today. A white guy would not be allowed to write this movie today. Oh, interesting. Who am I?

When did I become that guy? Who am I? Yeah. We got... Pulp Fiction, Jesus Christ. Yeah. So anyway. So I guess he's...

Yeah. What's the new Forrest Gump going to look like anyway, 30 years later? Now the guy's 65. He's in a lawsuit with all the t-shirt vendors in time square using the happy face logo he's totally a bitter gump yeah life's a fucking box of chocolates all right i wish i wish i knew what i was getting i got a wife with aids that's a shitty piece of chocolate. I wouldn't have eaten that chocolate.

Limp Forest, limp. Lieutenant Dan, you're a Republican? All right, let's make Florida great. Let's make America Florida. Make America Florida.

Here we go. Eric Murda, 43. How do you like your last name to be Murda, and you live in Florida? M-E-R-D-A, but it's Murda. Murda Durda. Florida. M-E-R-D-A, but it's murder. Murder, dirter. Eric Murder 43 said he had just finished an irrigation job in July Parish. What is this? That's a typo. It's July Parish, I think, Florida. No, he finished a job in July in Parish, Florida. Jesus Christ. I should edit these.

Here we go. Eric Murder 43 said he just finished a job when he decided to stop at Lake Manatee Fish Camp to throw away trash, which resulted in him getting lost in the woods. Murder said he spotted his truck across a body of water and jumped into the water, figuring he could swim to his vehicle. Halfway across the lake. Nothing wrong with that plan. I have so many problems with this story. Halfway across the lake,

Mertes said he encountered an alligator that grabbed his arm and snapped it as it tried to pull him under the water three times. After the alligator finally retreated, Mertes says he was injured and lost in the swamp for three days before being found and airlifted to a hospital where doctors amputated his arm i i would have saved him i would have saved him if i was there that's right this whole story screams of fucking dudes in the in the swamp yeah are you kidding me yeah wait none of this adds up he he goes to throw trash away and gets

lost in the woods then he sees his car across water well how did you get... Clearly you could walk to your car. Yeah. What are you wearing that you're going to swim across? And then... And then he's lost for three days because he was swimming in circles because he only had one arm. No, I think what the problem

was, it took twice as long to jerk off all those dudes after he hurt his arm. Normally Problem was, it took twice as long to jerk off all those dudes after he hurt his arm. Normally, he'd have a dick in each hand? Yeah. Yeah. Double time. Right, right, right.

This is the craziest story that makes no sense. Makes no sense. And also, where are you? So you're throwing your garbage out deep in the woods? He's a litter bug. He deserved this. So how did he stay alive? I mean, if your arm is bitten off or almost off, I mean, Jesus Christ, three days?

Hopefully one of the guys you're servicing knows how to use a tourniquet. Maybe one of the S&M guys is like, all right, listen, take my collar. Yeah. Put it around that bicep. Well, from the details that I read, I think his arm was not off until they amputated. Yeah, but it was injured. It was bitten apart. It was exposed.

How did not get infected for three days in the swamp. Probably all the guys peeing on them. They say that's a natural antibiotic. Apply golden shower. Yeah.

Alright, let's go international. You got it it has been reported let me know if we did this story before it has been reported that a teenage girl in melbourne australia attended an undisclosed private school where she was granted permission to identify as a cat. It has been said in a number of news articles that the child school will allow them, them, to act like a kitty. However, it is not entirely clear what the phrase means in practice. The unnamed girl will be allowed to act like a feline at school, which means that she will not be required to engage in at least one distinctly human habit, namely talking.

In addition to that, the young lady in question was described by the institution as being, quote, phenomenally intelligent. Yeah, she's she's phenomenally intelligent, smarter than the boy who thinks he's a dog. That's for sure. Won't this be disruptive when she jumps up on full alert in class when she hears the can opener down in the cafeteria start smelling the tuna fish you get the bathroom key and then you just go in the corner and fucking spay you and just spray i think the teachers should be allowed to be like when they want her to go to the board and show

all work. Right, right. And if you get an A, get some you get some, what's that shit they give cats? Cat nip. You'll cat nip. Usually a kid brings their teacher an apple. She brings like dead

birds and mice. Good luck keeping the attention of a cat in class. Yeah. It's hard enough with just the teenagers. Right. I mean, what this is, Australia is always trying to keep up with America. Well, this is one step in the right direction. What about your last joke? What about, about oh do i have a joke in here

oh yeah i forgot i wrote that um yeah i think that what they should say to her is uh yeah fine but you have to be a male cat none of this them we can't have more than one cat in the class i mean in the article they referred to them as them, which leads me to believe, is she also transitioning or is it that since she's an animal, she defaults to a them? I know we sound so ignorant and old

when we have these conversations, but I'm wondering if journalism is going to change it to the non-assumption of he or she. And would they say they? Right. But now they is a specific pronoun. So can you even do that? Yeah. Fuck them. so can you even do that yeah fuck them well well you know in uh in uh charlie kaufman's book ant kind he called people thon i think we should all just stick with thon

right uh also chinese state media says a man has been found safe after he spent two days aloft in a hydrogen balloon traveling about 200 miles after it became untethered and flew away while he was using it to harvest pine nuts from a tree. Well, as you know what I'm going to say already, guy's doing nothing but jerking off dudes in that basket. This story doesn't add up. The man, identified only by his surname who hu and a partner were collecting pine nuts on sunday when they lost control and sailed off the other person jumped to the ground

and then they started searching for who researchers were able to contact the man by cell phone the following morning and instructed him to slowly deflate the balloon to land safely did you need a phone call to tell you that it took another day before he reached the ground about 200 miles to the northeast next to the border of russia oh who was in good health apart from a pain in his lower back so uh here here's how it goes who is in the the balloon? That's correct. No. I want you to tell me who is in the balloon. Okay. Who is in the balloon? Right.

Who? I just told you. Let's start with the other guy who jumped out of the balloon. No. Who stayed in the balloon? That's what I've been asking. Exactly. Who?

No. And it goes on for 20 more minutes. What is the name of the guy who jumped out of the balloon? Who stayed in the balloon? What are you talking about? No, I'm talking about who? No, I'm talking about who. What is safe right now?

What is on the ground? Not who. This is so stupid. Oh, my God. this is stupid oh my god the the it's basically our our run we did it last the last time we did about two weeks ago of um it's uh abram costello meet chinese news stories that should be it's not our new segment on the show? I think it might be. Okay. We got to keep an eye out for it next week.

Okay. Let's go down to sports. Buffalo. Did you watch this game? Yes. 31. At halftime, I think it was 10-10. It was 10-10 at halftime. They tied it up at the buzzer at halftime.

Buffalo 31, Rams 10. And Ozzie played at the halftime show with our buddy, the bassist, Chris Chaney. Um, and chain. And they showed them, they get fucking Ozzy Osbourne at a halftime show and they showed it for about 15 seconds. I'm sure there were music rights and all that stuff, but still like,

but, and they also talked about it and they promoted it. And even if you're not like a Sabbath fan or Ozzy, you, you're very interested to see what he's like, because he made news last week. He's incredibly frail and, um, he wants to leave America. He wants to die in England. Also, I, I wanted to see, he came out and said that I wanted to see if he gave a shout out to the queen although he seems like an unlikely one to do that but he didn't do that now did you see his performance nobody did they showed it for 15 seconds right no so I went on YouTube and I found someone who's posted it

oh no shit all right the audio is unclear enough and it's also live that it hasn't been flagged but he because his walking is incredibly bad like super hunched over and i think needs support i mean at the very least a cane but usually it's someone holding his arm so he comes up through the floor now keep in mind this stage is like three feet off the ground. So I guess, you know, there's a hole in the field. I don't know how it worked, but he just came up and is hunched over. And luckily, you know, he holds the mic and he came up with the mic holding it and then like does a pretty impressive version of crazy train. And then, and then it's like, thank you. Like, I love you. Good night. And then just holds onto the mic for dear life as it goes back into the

ground. And the problem is the problem is as he's saying good night, it still looks like rock and roll, right? There's lighting and there's maybe smoke and maybe even fires on the stage. And then as it's going down all of a sudden before his body's only half into the floor, it turns into the cold, crude lighting of, like, you know, fluorescents that have been turned up. Yeah, right. And it's no longer rock. It looks like we're the roadies.

And yet you see this old man going the last two feet underground. Yeah, it was kind of pathetic. Well, it was a shame. We were excited because Chris Chaney, who played bass for him, is a guy we play golf with. And he's a member of, I don't know if he's still a member, but he was a member for many years of Jane's Addiction. And he goes on tour with, what's her name?

Miley Cyrus. Yeah? Miley Cyrus. Yeah, Miley Cyrus. Taylor Swift. He's like one of the most sought-after rock bassists in the business. He's amazing. He's easily one of the most sought-after, for sure. And he just went over to the Taylor Hawkins tribute, just played the O2 Arena over there or Wembley.

And and he was the first tour. He was the bassist on tour for Jagged Little Pill. Oh, right, right, right. Flea played bass on her album, Alanis Morissette. But then Chaney took over and was on that tour and famously got the job. and was on that tour. And famously got the job. They gave him a cassette tape of Jagged Little Pill. He'd never heard it before. And his agent called him and he said, they said, you got an audition to tour with Alanis Morissette.

Swing by my office, pick up the cassette. So he picks up the cassette, and now he's sitting in the passenger seat of his car in the parking lot outside of the Alanis Morissette uh building where the audition is and he's listening to the cassette for the first time and he's figuring out the bass for 45 minutes and then he goes in the office and fucking blows them away with it and gets hired. Knows every note. Yeah. Well, you know, he broke the record and I don't know if he still holds it or, you know, I think there's anyway, he went to Berkeley School of Music and I'm sure I'll get some

of this wrong. And Gubbins and he grew up, you know, they were childhood friends. And, you know, Gubbins has just said, yeah, no, he's like the most musical person like ever. And so in Berkeleykeley they have a test where they see how fast you and i'm gonna get these terms wrong but basically how fast you can do a blind read of music and like get it right and he he like like killed on that thing wow i told you we went over his house a couple of weeks ago and, you know, partook in a few mind altering stuff, you know, just did run of the mill stuff.

But I was baked. How about that? I can say that fairly. I was pretty baked and we had some great margaritas. He it was basically like the history of bass because we just started playing and he was like playing along. We were in a studio and like, someone would be like, what about that monster on bass? Or what about that guy? And every single style he could do. And then he would show us videos of guys who he's like, I,

he's like, I honestly can't even start to untangle how great like this jazz bassist is. Oh really? Oh, he would mention these jazz guys. He's like, and he'd be like, did you hear what he just did? Like, he's like, I, he goes, I literally can't, I could try. I can't even replicate that for you right now. Wow.

Yeah. No shit. It was, it was very, very cool. Like history of bass and the funk guys and what they would do. And like, I wish I recorded it. It was so incredible. Speaking of incredible,

you know what today is. What do we got? Nine 11, baby. Don't ever forget. You forgot motherfucker. You forgot. I thought the new thing was forget. Never forget. Okay. Never forget.

Okay. Never forget. And don't forget the Holocaust either, by the way. Remember both of those things. Well, remember our news story a couple of weeks ago. We can forget about the 9-11 museum. Remember? No.

What was it? It's closing. Oh, that's right. Yeah. They're going to burn, that's right. Yeah. They're going to put it to the ground. Yeah. So, I mean, we could talk about this for an hour, but 9-11 happened. So how many years ago was that?

It's 2000. So it's 21 years ago? Uh-huh. Huh. 8.46 a.m., American Airlines Boeing 767 loaded with 20,000 gallons of jet fuel crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Is that the one that came from Boston, I think? I believe so. Where was it headed?

I wonder where it was headed. It hit the 80th floor. It must have been California. So then 17 minutes later uh the second one hit and landed it landed on the 60th floor oh i saw that one live the attackers were were islamic terrorists from saudi arabia have fun playing golf for them you you fucking douchebags. And several other Arab nations reportedly financed by Saudi fugitive Osama bin Laden's al-Qaeda terrorist organization. They were acting in retaliation for American support of Israel, its involvement in the Persian Gulf War, and its continued military presence in the Middle East. I can't even talk about whatever i remember one debate

soon after where someone was like it is worth asking why they hate us you know so much yeah and everyone i forgot who raised the question was like, you cannot ask that. Like, how dare you? How dare you wonder? Like, it was just, you had to sell a bill of hate. Yeah. To justify the unbelievably misguided shock and awe that came near after, you know, whatever, there are a million fucking stories and we're so much of our reaction was disgraceful. I'm not I'm not commenting on the people attacking our towers. But but you do have to ask these questions if you want to try to fix things. And anyway, I remember one just to show you how stupid America was in many ways after.

Well, first of all, is that that's when we banned the word French fries, right? Didn't we at one point? Calling them freedom fries. Yeah. I mean, that's just one. But a big one was I Heart Radio, which might have been called something different at the time, but one of the biggest networks of radio banned the song Imagine by John Lennon because John Lennon's song is reasonably saying, you know, maybe religion is a problem. Imagine there's no religion. Imagine there's no. And it

was also an anthem for peace. Right. And the Republican influenced and they were very Republican. They're donors and they made that connection of this. I think it was I heart anyway. Then they had a that fundraiser and in the fundraiser, they got these and Joel Gallen, our buddy, he he directed it and it was incredibly well watched. And it was a fundraiser at the time. And Imagine was outlawed. And I think the company was distributing this. And Neil Young was there to play one of the great Neil Young songs. I believe Neil Young even rehearsed a Neil Young song. And fucking rock and roll. They go live fundraiser.

And Neil Young plays Imagine. Nice. I love it. That's amazing. And no one knew. He didn't give interviews about it. But that's such a rock and roll move. Yeah, this is Denman is posting now.

Clear Channel. Clear Channel. Yeah. That's who it was. Yeah. Interesting. And that's all folks obituary let's get to the obituaries and we killed millions of innocent people uh this is a very sad and personal one for me uh david arnold who is a friend and a comedian who i

just had on my podcast a few weeks ago, just passed away two days ago. He was only, I think, was he 54? I think he was only like 52 or 54 years old. I think he was 52, I might have read. Now, I should have looked into him. I don't know if I know him, but I'm terrible with names. He was a guy who performed at the store. He was very successful. I i mean he's a journeyman

you know he's been around for a lot of years he was big at the laugh factory and um he's a regular on two funny mamas which denman produces that show and he's just he was just a fucking solid good human being he had a wife who was a pretty famous entertainment reporter. Oh, Jesus, sorry, I know this guy. Yeah, of course. And he is... I just looked him up. He created and ran a show called That Girl Lele,

which is apparently like the number one rated show on Nickelodeon. And, I mean, his career was, you know, he was going okay. He was going good but he struggled he was never like a big star and now he's got this new netflix special that's why he came on my podcast so we could talk about that um it just got released in july and um he wrote on a bunch of big shows over the years and was just a fucking really good guy and it was just so sad when you think about his girls I met his girls and they're teenagers

you know they're just fucking teenage girls they just lost their dad one of his girls was in his show he put her in his TV show so that's terrible. We send our best out to his family. Um...

Another... Am I allowed to ask, do we know how? No, I think it's a heart attack. I'm assuming it's a heart attack. They said he died peacefully of natural causes. I know, natural causes at 54?

Yeah. Can only be a heart attack or a brain aneurysm, but I think I heard somebody say it was a heart attack. Maybe Chris Denman knows some information on that. Well, your mom was in town and talked about how old your dad was, which I always forget. Yeah, he was 52 or 53 i can't remember heart attack during dinner yeah are you fucking kidding me yeah 52

yep my mom said one of her things she's most thankful for in life is that she was there when it happened that she was at the table with him which you think you would not want i didn't know that i i totally assumed he was like because it was at rayos which is legendary and at that time absolutely impossible to get into and your dad was so connected and i thought he was there with the boys no it was him and my it was him and my mom and then you remember that film my cousin vinnie of course so it was uh the kid it was vinnie's cousin the one who was in jail that vinnie was trying to get out she he was at dinner with with that that kid and his mother his mother was a big casting person and uh yeah that guy reached out to me years ago i never kept in touch

with him anyway let's cheer up mike how do we do that sunday funny okay all right let's get to hager the horrible i always forget his sidekick's name but anyway assistant rapist the assistant rapist the rape wrangler is standing there with a spear and he goes he's next to the bushes at night he goes who goes there show yourself and then it was uh lady godiva on a horse naked. And then Doofy puts his hands over his eyes and goes, Lady Godiva, unshow yourself as if he's bashful, as if she's not going to be raped in the woods. Who wrote this particular one? And she's smiling. Your Honor.

Can you even present that in court? She was smiling at me, and she was naked. Yeah, why do I even need reasons? And by the way, was Lady Godiva part of medieval whatever, where are they, in the Black Forest? Where does Hager live? Well, he travels a lot for work. Yeah, he does.

Maybe they're on the road. He's got a road date. And then the next one, Dopey is talking to Hager and he goes, you know what? Women live longer than men. And Hager goes, tell me how that makes sense. And then the Dopey guy goes, men die first. Well, first of all, did they live longer in those days? Is there any possible way women lived longer

than men in those days more so than usual oh because i guess they died in battle yeah but the women were also they must have been killed all the time just for being weak. No. No. Not at the scale of men. Now, you could say childbirth might have killed a lot of— That's true. A lot. I think childbirth killed a lot of women. Yeah. So did violent rape.

Violent rape took out a few. Which back then they called sexual intercourse. Yeah. But no, I think so. But once again, though, men had that one little thing that they carried around called accountability and responsibility. And I think that wore them down a little bit. All right, let's get to the Lockhorns.

Loretta and Leroy have pulled up to the pump at a gas station, and he says, Here, you said you wanted me to take you someplace expensive. Hey, now. Very topical. I've seen that. People have stolen that. I wonder how old that is.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. But I've seen douchebags do it on Instagram, so they probably got it from this. And the next one, there's a barbecue going, and Loretta is talking to her friend at the table as Leroy mans the grill. And she says it's Leroy's signature dish, jerk chicken. She called him a jerk.

She called him a jerk. In the next one, Leroy comes home drunk. He's got that drunk look on his face. It's late. She's wearing her slippers and a bathrobe, and she goes, Why don't you just start over again, Leroy, but this time begin with once upon a time. He's lying. She's not buying it.

She's not buying it. All right, I got the—oh, yes, some guy—oh, I have to go back. She's not buying it. All right. I got the, Oh yeah. Some guy. Oh, I have to go back. You sent me an email. Some guy scanned all the Charles Adams. Um, yeah,

that was really cool. Whoever did that. Thank you so much. All right. I'll go back and find it. But for now, just a simple one. Noah's Ark.

Sometimes he explains history and how things happen. And this one's in the animal kingdom. And there's Noah's Ark taken off. And look, look who he left behind. Two unicorns. Oh. Unicorns never made it, Greg. Interesting.

It's just an absurd little observation. Sometimes it wasn't that dark. It was just absurd. I'm trying to find the... Oh, is this Charles Adams or Scott Adams? Oh, Jesus. Charles. Chaz. Okay.

Oh, I found it. I'm resending it to you now. Perfect. Okay. Alright, I gotta go soon. Alright, let's finish it out. Let's do this, right, let's finish it out. Yes. Let's finish it out with little Blondie. They're in bed. Blondie, I can't describe what Dagwood is exposed to here.

Blondie has on a fire red negligee off the shoulder on the left side. And she goes, to get a good night's sleep, you need to be at peace with yourself and the world. And Dagwood is just staring off a million miles there as she lays some heavy fucking truth on him. No, wait. I have one frame. Is that all this is? That's all it is.

Are you sure you didn't cut it off? No. Maybe I did. There's no way that that's the case. This is like a family circle. Circus. Yeah. This doesn't make sense.

By the way, people are calling for Circus to come back. A lot of people are upset. They miss it. They want it back on the show. What are your thoughts? Jeez. How about this? I'll keep an eye out,

and I'll put an eye out. And I'll put ones that are making effort. But I felt like a broken record being exasperated that no effort was made. Yeah. And I like, I can also switch from Charles Adams, which is a nice progression, natural one, to The Far Side. Good. The Far Side should get some love.

Yeah, I'd like to see some Far Sides on here. Why not? Okay, good. I also want to thank, and please reach out, whoever sent me, I got to the comedy store last night and there was a box there for me filled with these amazing soaps and five bags. You know, I like the honey cashew,

the honey sesame cashew nuts from Trader Joe's and you can't get them here in LA. Somebody mailed me five bags of them with a box of soaps to the comedy store with no note. They didn't say who they were. I wonder if there was a note, but kind of like the rest of this blondie cartoon you misplaced that's possible anyway whoever it is reach out so i can properly thank you and um

sounds like a coded message to wash your nuts maybe that's what i'm looking maybe erin's nuts all right listen mike you gotta get going sent the soap and they didn't want to sign the card. Good luck. Mike has a writing job today. Good luck. Have fun with it. There's no way. There's no way this is going to go well. Let's punch up on a script. And this is what I'll say. Just if if you've been to have a script idea, just write it. It hasn't stopped other people. Just write it. Yeah.

Um, just write your script. I had this kid who, uh, he's my, my friends, my friend's, uh,

uh, nephew. He wrote a script. He just graduated college and he wants to get started as a comedy writer. So I talked to him on the phone for an hour, and I told him to send me whatever he had. So he sent me a sitcom script. And it was like, had some promise. You know, it was interesting.

There was some funny stuff. But there was like major stuff wrong. For instance, it was a pilot script where it all took place in one arena. And then in the final scene, the character goes to another town where you meet no new characters and that's where the show is going to take place and i just pointed out to him that a pilot really is more about introducing the setting and the characters so you know what the series is going to be and i got kind of a short response from him. Like, yeah, okay, thanks. Thanks for shitting on me.

And I worry that the next generation doesn't take notes well. That, like, I sent him a long page of notes, and I got a very short response, and I really started thinking, I don't know how you deal with these young, delicate creatures that are coming into this business. I would have written the guy, I would have written the guy back a long page addressing the notes, explaining them. Yeah. You know?

Well, you remember I got in that fight publicizing The Great Indoors because she said, I'm a millennial journalist. And goes, what is this characterization? What, what is this stereotype that you're putting in there? The millennials are easily offended. And I couldn't even speak. I'm like, people are going to think I paid you to ask that question. It's such an irony.

My head, I didn't even know how to react. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, don't forget, support Audible. Go to audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500-500 and get yourself free Audible for 30 days. Also, uh, I'm coming up. I got some tour dates.

Go to Fitz dog.com. Mike, anything you want to promote? Yeah. See terms of endearment. Uh, what else? Uh,

no, nothing. Oh, and watch, uh, the, um, did you watch that concert that they did for,

uh, Taylor Hawkins? Should people watch that? Some of it. I saw, you know, my hero with his son on drums. Yeah. That was pretty moving. But no, I got to watch.

I definitely have to watch more of it. I'm getting psyched for the David Bowie documentary that's coming out. Yeah, that's going to be great. And there's other things, though, that... Oh, wait. We were supposed to talk about something. Saul? No, no, no. The Game of Thrones prequel. Oh, though, that—oh, wait. We were supposed to talk about something. Saul? No, no, no.

The Game of Thrones prequel. Oh, yeah, yeah. I have to catch up on that. Yeah, catch up, and we'll talk about that next week. And also, I'm almost done with Better Call Saul, the newest season. I need to watch that also. Okay. All right, man.

Oh, God, and I'm a couple seasons back. All righty, fella. All right, God bless. Take it, Aish. Take it, Aish! Take it, Aish. Three, two, one. Say now. There he goes.

Read all about it. Yeah. Hear ye, hear ye. Hey, everybody. Get your papers. Get this. Get your Sunday papers. Find out what you missed this week.

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