Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 131 9/18/22

Episode Date: September 18, 2022

Allegiant Airlines loses a woman’s leg, The Vineyard just got a little more diverse and a truckload of dildos spills on a highway in OKC. Melania is the new Santa, a gay guy is the new Bond, and why Rosie can’t stand Ellen.    

Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers Podcast. With Fitz Dogg and Michael Gibbons. Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers. Alright, Zoom 6 is going, I'm clapping in 3, two. There it is. Three, two. There's my clap. Read all about it. Read all about it. All the news that's fit to print from Arkansas.

This will be a short one. This will be a short one. Let's just go through it. Let's have a lot of good energy. That's all I've had. I'm trying to wake you up. let's have a lot of good energy that's all i've had i'm trying to wake you up i'm in uh lowell arkansas which is home of walmart i guess is nearby and most of the crowd is uh wall wall martians they call themselves that's not real is it and that is real and they fucking love it live right let live less liz make less life's better they have some

slogan they always say isn't their slogan let's lock our employees in at night right yeah i think that was the slogan check check all right so mike is a little hungover today. I wouldn't say hungover. I'm a little slow off the mark. I'm in Nashville. A little slow off the mark. I might not have done as well with edibles as I should have. Put it that way. Yeah.

Wow. That's not good. Tonight I'm seeing the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. How about that? What are their big hits? Because I know I used to like them back in the 80s. Yeah, I think it's going to be one of them. This is what my hope is.

But it's at the Ryman, so I'll see anything at the Ryman. This is what my hope is. It's one of those bands that everyone knows the name, right? But the bottom line is you know the name for a reason. You know what I mean? They're one of those bands that i think i'm going to be surprised at how good they are even now yeah all right here's the boat perhaps you've heard mr jangles yeah which you know i don't i don't know if they wrote maybe they did they've got fishing in the dark which has 188 million streams on on uh wow let me hear it

never heard it you ain't going nowhere an american American dream Cadillac ranch. Yeah. They do a lot. Like there's Tennessee stud. They do. I know they're great at covers and stuff. In fact, they do one show,

which is all Bob Dylan. Oh, really? Yeah. But I don't think that's going to be, uh, tonight. So yeah,

I don't know. I don't know much about him to tell you the truth. All right. We'll have fun. Yeah, exactly. I'll much about them, to tell you the truth. All right, well, have fun. Yeah, exactly. I'll be telling jokes at The Grove, which is a club here. I don't know how to describe it. There was a woman in the front row who I said that I was married for 23 years,

and she stood up and started booing. Oh, the wall martian attitude and i said why are you booing marriage and she goes because my husband just cheated on me oh man and i go well how did you know how did you know that he cheated on you and she goes i caught him on tinder and i said, how did you know he was on Tinder? Did you look on his phone and find the app? And she goes, no, I was on it. So we're in such a small town that the people that are cheating on each other are finding each other.

Imagine going on Tinder to cheat on your spouse and being hooked up with your spouse. She should not have put her search perimeter as a hundred yards. Maybe they could take it as a sign that they're meant to be together and rethink their bad choices. If you like pina coladas, that's what that is. Yep. Wow. All right. And now she's out there alone seeing standup Yep. Wow. All right. And now she's out there alone seeing stand-up comedy?

She was not alone. She was with another guy that she had met on Twitter, on Tinder. And here's the thing. Does he want to hear this? You're out on a date with a woman. Do you want her standing up and booing marriage while you're on your first date? Maybe, yeah. i think that's yeah that yeah maybe that'll work maybe that'll do the trick for this guy and then there was another

woman i started talking about uh using ancestor dna and i said has anybody have had any surprises using it and a woman uh raised her hand and i said uh, what did you find out? And she goes, well, I found my father. And I said, well, that's amazing. I said, did you not know who your father was? And she said, no, my mother didn't know who my father was, which I left that alone. I didn't, I didn't go down that path. Right. But so she finds her father in Texas, which I guess is the next town over here in Arkansas. And the guy, she reached out to him and he didn't respond. So that's the kind of crowd interaction I was having last night. Dead ends, sad dead ends at every turn.

It sounds amazing though, actually. It actually was. I love it. Some comedians hate hecklers. I think I hate my act. I'd much rather have a heckler yell out and have some fun. There was. You should have asked the woman to stand back up and give a standing O to the dad that she doesn't even know.

Like talk about the opposite of marriage. The mom doesn't even know whose baby is in her right and then uh Bo was there you know Jay Jay and Lee right I think oh yeah yeah yeah yeah of course yeah Jay Russell and Lee yeah he's a he's a friend of ours is a big director he direct he wrote and directed uh my dog Skip and Ladder 49 anyway son goes to school in arkansas so he came out arkansas right he's from arkansas that's right and so uh his son came out with his girlfriend and uh i kind of shit on him while he was in the crowd which was fun nice yeah and then i gave him a free pin gave him a free g free Greg Fitzsimmons pin.

Well, it's not free, but you gave it to him and didn't charge him. Man, these people buy fucking pins. Oh, my God. I sold out last night. They went crazy for the pins. Wow. Arkansas. Who knew? Yeah. Right. What do you think that is? I think sometimes poor people are more. I find this generally at my shows is poor people are more apt to buy merch at shows than than wealthy people. And you realize that's the mindset of how you got poor in the first place. Buying stupid shit like a pin from a comedian. I don't know.

There's something cute about it, though. Maybe they're like more in the moment, you know? Like it's a bigger deal for them. Right, right. You know, like when you were little, you were leaving with a concert T-shirt. Yep. Not me.

I wouldn't even think of that now. I never bought those. I always thought it was a sucker's bet. It is kind of a sucker's bet. So here's one I remember when I was little, John Bonham died and I remember seeing concert shirts everywhere. And this was the premise. This was the concert shirt. It was their tour that was coming up with a stamp, a stencil you know across it saying canceled as if those shirts like as if they took back all the tour shirts

we got to get them back and we got a spray paint canceled on these oh my god you got one of the famous Cancelled shirts Yeah It was cancelled I was gonna go And this is one of the shirts You see it says cancelled I don't think I ever bought

A concert t-shirt I mean I have concert t-shirts But I would buy them in Head shops You know like record shops Yeah yeah yeah I should have bought the first one I told you the first concert

I ever saw was Madison Square Garden, the Kinks. Wow. They had that Destroyer song, which was popular in the mid, I guess, early 80s. I guess it was the early 80s. And it was their last, you know, their last time making the tour of big stadiums. I saw the Kinks so many times when I was young. They used to come through. They play.

I grew up in Tarrytown and there was a place called the Westchester Premier Theater in Tarrytown. And it was like a maybe like a 7000 seat theater. And we used to get fucking Marshall Tucker band would come through and Pat Benatar, the Kinks, Allman Brothers Brothers I saw Steve Martin there when I was probably about 10 years old and it was like it was a mile from my house it was great that is great so as of

now I still don't have COVID I was exposed on Monday I went to Leslie Jones's house and we did a two hour podcast and then after the podcast, we hung around her house for like another hour and a half, just shooting the shit, sitting by her pool. She gave me the tour of her house. And, uh, and, and then she calls me the next day. She's like, dude, I got COVID bad. It's like, fuck. So, uh, I waited five days,

It's like, fuck. So I waited five days, tested and then flew to Arkansas. And so far, no, no COVID. I would say you don't have it. I saw you the next day, was it? Yeah. Next day we played golf. We were all outside, yeah, playing golf. Yeah, I think you'd at least be feeling it or something. Because some people are feeling it and they're testing a lot and it's coming up negative and then eventually it's positive.

Or they'll do a PCR or something and then it's positive. Well, they say don't even test for five days. They say it won't register for at least five days after you've been exposed. So, yeah. But you might be feeling it, right?

I keep thinking I have symptoms. Like, you know, like you start to start to go, my throat is kind of rough, but it's just it's I'm just being paranoid. It's just talking to people who are applauding divorce and and all the challenging crowd work in Arkansas. Arkansas. Oh my God. And then, and then right, right when I'm about to go on stage, the club owner comes up to me and he goes, Oh, I forgot to mention tomorrow night, Arkansas football is playing at night. And so ticket sales are going to be pretty light. And I'm like, great. Thanks. They're doing my intro now. I'm just head up on stage. I, uh, later when we get down to a sports, I'll talk about, you know, it was the first Thursday night game. And I know you watched it. But it was interesting. I was in a bar.

So we'll talk about that. Oh, a little tease. A little show tease. They call it a deep tease in the biz. A deep tease. Yeah. All right. So I'm trying to buy tickets.

Me and Aaron want to go out and see owen in chicago well i'm doing a show in chicago october 15th so we're flying out and it happens to be parents weekend that weekend so aaron's flying out with me and we're gonna get an airbnb but the fucking flights are so expensive i haven't even looked at the airbnbs yet they They've kept them up. If people are paying, that's what's going to happen. You know, like, it is crazy. Sometimes I'll find cheap ones. I'm going to Michigan. But, oh, no.

So now my daughter Olivia wants to join. And the Delta flights are over $1,000. Damn. And then she's like, all right, well, I'll fly Spirit there. And then can I join you on your flight home? And I looked at my flight and the one way alone was 600. Damn. Yeah.

Is this because it's homecoming weekend there? It's not. It's not. And it's so, you know, it's, you know, my daughter goes to Michigan. That's where we're visiting. And it's actually you know it's you know my daughter goes to michigan that's where we're visiting and it's actually penn state and somehow that pedophile school has still has the biggest following and i think we talked about this last week but when i was a doorman in boston at bull and finch at you know which is cheers huge huge tourist uh trap when penn state was in town to play boston college

it was i mean it's one pennsylvania id after the next like i was checking to play Boston College, it was, I mean, it's one Pennsylvania ID after the next. Like, I was checking IDs at the door. It was incredible. Yeah, it's kind of like how people go to church every Sunday. Like, pedophilia does not turn people off, apparently. Boy Scouts, sign them up, send your kid off. Yep. It is very similar to the church yeah following and i our buddy mason

used to like for you know he was from philly area but he i don't even know what his connection was to penn state but he was a huge penn state fan and he was very proud of that all the winnebago's it's like the you know the penn state army that travels around to see the away games. Jesus. I know. So anyway, oh, in fact, my dad and I are going. We have to stay in a motel halfway to Detroit. Every single hotel room.

You have no idea how many hotels are in Ann Arbor. Everyone is sold out. Damn. Yeah. I'm going to say there's no less than 25 medium-range hotels, like Marriott Suites or whatever it is, that caliber. And they're all sold out. Comfort Inn. The only time I was in Ann Arbor was I used to do this thing when I just I was like my first year after graduating college. There was this thing called the it was it was run by a major sneaker company.

I'm not going to say which one. And and that we, we had all kinds of corporate sponsors, American Express, everybody. And so we would go to college campuses and I was the MC and I had a wireless microphone and I would wear a full sweatsuit from the sneaker company. And I would walk around and, uh, we had a Velcro wall. Remember Letterman had the Velcro wall. We had a Velcro wall. We had a Nerf gun shooting area where they had wars. It was like the most fucking fun. We showed up to college campuses and for two days at each school, we would run games. We would give away gift bags, Frisbees, you know, the usual college giveaway shit. And I was the guy. I was the guy.

I mean, it was the handjob festival. Everywhere I went, I would get a handjob. And so we went to Ann Arbor. What just happened? I heard about Velcro. I heard about Nerf guns. The handjob is a different. Well, we had our nights free.

We had our nights free. And there was an 18-wheeler. And then there was a van. And we had our nights free. We had our nights free and there was an 18 wheeler and then there was a van and we had the van and it was me and I got to be good friends with a couple of guys that were the roadies and we would always pick up girls and we would drive around and it was the best. That doesn't sound creepy, does it? Roadies, a van, handjobs. It was the best. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Please don't go back to Ann Arbor. I am calling my daughter now and saying, stay away from any touring comedians that have set up a Velcro wall. And are wearing shiny Joey Buttafuoco warm-up suits with a sneaker brand on it. Oh, my God. I'll tell you what girls would do for a Frisbee and a free T-shirt. Unbelievable.

Well, we just heard what they'd do. Yeah. That's impressive, though. If you have game and that's your situation, I'm impressed. Chris Denman is back on the show this week, and he just wrote, was LA Gear aware of your exploits? I don't understand what that means. He's taking a funny guess at what sneaker brand it was.

It was not LA Gear. I'm going to guess without saying a brand name that there were pumps on them. Our logo this week is from Craig Gaudette, who is a regular contributor of our fun Photoshopped logos. This is the one from, what is it called? Something Dragons? House of Dragons?

Have you been watching it? No. Dude, it is so dull it's it's like the dullest parts of game of thrones without any of the interesting characters any of the great fight scenes it's it's boring what if you got uh because what i'm thinking is they have incredibly believable dragons which are very very impressive and is that now we're bored with like in other words we're very we're getting harder and harder to impress you know what i mean now the dragons can't carry they they thought the dragons could carry the series you actually need the actors to be good too ah the guy who plays the king has no charisma whatsoever uh he's he's not good he's not good i told you when i saw um jurassic park in new york when it came out and i was like you know

like because i was it's kind of like the fight scenes in Marvel movies. I'm like, yeah, I got it. A pretty believable T-Rex like, yeah. Okay. But where's the story? Where's something like, you know, like Jaws was also a great, I mean, a great story. So anyway, didn't really like it. Go to Chicago for this festival. I think I've told this story, but I go to Chicago for this festival. And, and uh part of the festival is they rented a theater and they got jurassic park and you can go to this private screening of it and i didn't want to go my friends like come on and they got me really baked and so like come on what else are you going to do like you know don't wait for us at the bar we'll go to the bar after so really baked i go in and i'm like this might be the greatest thing i've ever seen like yeah just the cup with the little

vibration which is just like spielberg i mentioned jaws it's just like the jaws like this might be the greatest thing I've ever seen. Like just the cup with the little vibration, which is just like Spielberg. I'd mentioned jaws. It's just like the jaws, like fishing reel, like slowly coming, like, like there's a monster out there and it's getting closer.

And, and it was incredible. Like I just enjoyed it for that. I'm wondering if you could do that with house of dragons. I'm wondering if you got really baked and you're like, I'm just going to lean into this crazy dragon thing. Would would that work there's not even enough dragon like i'm more more i need more dragon they there's whole episodes where you don't see them at all ah okay less incest more dragon uh the song this week was from ryan p very interesting we liked it it was interesting we're getting real

low in the folder we're getting we're getting very close to picking our permanent song okay corrections this week christopher wujek says uh they aren't series one bonds lol they are called i bonds like the letter i as in interest. You mistakenly said they were called 1 bonds. You can have $10,000 in bonds, but I believe you can also buy more paper bonds as well. So this was a financial recommendation I made. There's these Series I bonds that you can get like 9.5% interest. I think you have to hold them for a year or two. And there's a maximum of $10,000, but highly recommend them.

Look into them with your financial advisor, whoever that is. Well, I saw one guy wrote back also correcting that, and he then went into more detail. And I guess they fluctuate, you know, depending on the going rates. And that was huge news this week is they attach a likelihood

to how big the rating, you know, and everyone's betting it's supposed to go up 0.75. Well, now all the money is saying that it's going to go up a full percentage point because it's not working well and interest rates are now for a mortgage is now above six percent for the first time since like the the bubble burst back in the 80s so if you were waiting to buy a house you fucked up there's still such pent-up demand We'll see. I'm done predicting.

I thought this would have happened seven years ago. So what do I know? The man who has been against the market for two decades is still losing his shirt. The man who's, who's renting the man who's renting in a real estate market that just keeps doubling every five years. Well,

here comes the earthquake on Yeah. On cue. You teed it up. It's happening this week. Adam Bean says Boy Scouts wear a neckerchief, not handkerchief. A Boy Scout does not wear a neckerchief. He wears a, all right, well, listen. I don't know, Adam, I don't know why you know so much about Boy Scouts, but that frightens me.

Is he making a comment that you said handkerchief? I said handkerchief, yeah. Because it's handkerchief. It's handkerchief? Oh, boy. It's handkerchief. We're learning. I don't think.

I mean, am I about to Google this? Handkerchief is the kind of word where when you're tripping and you start saying it you will start freaking out about what a weird word it is yeah it begins with hand hand kerchief yes that's what it is i told you that one time god i'm telling a lot of stone stories but i was really and then the word bookkeeper is crazy book two o's two o what is it uh two o's two k's in the middle of that word and then two e's and then two e's yeah that is crazy it's a carnival that word carnival i spent a solid 25 minutes on Mescal and laughing about the word sneakers.

How you sneak. You sneak in sneakers. And what do the British call sneakers? I should know this. They all said it. I mean, other than tennis shoes. Jumpers? No, no, that's a sweater. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking it up now. This podcast is going to be all of us googling um i don't know what trainers trainers yeah it makes more what is sneakers that's the weirdest thing

ever it's like they're made for criminals or something yeah rape I'm wearing my rapers. Yeah, exactly. This one comes from Bob Peterson. He says, I think of gavel when you say, oh, think of gavel when you say Savile. Don't pronounce it like the cat. I was talking about Savile Rowe. And I guess I said Savile Rowe. I probably said the same thing. Yeah. Don't pronounce it like Cadillac model dumbass. Better yet, just say Charles was dressed in a nice suit. Don't reach for a word you don't know how to pronounce. This would make the podcast better and cause people to think more highly of you. That's from Bob. Is it Pedersen or Peterson? I'm going to say more highly of you that's from bob is it peterson or peterson i'm gonna say peterson because i think that's wrong and that will annoy him i'm gonna go with

pedo i think it's pronounced pedo yeah but no in britain like i have covid bless you bless. They say pedo. For pedophiles? Kind of like trainers? Yeah. Kind of like Savile. Right. JJ says, what the fuck?

Mike thinks they have to change all the money because the queen's picture is on it? Is Andrew Jackson or Ben Franklin alive? She had a very long reign. It'll be 100 years before they decide they want someone else's picture on the money. Poor JJ, poor JJ. It's their tradition. We never put a living president on any of our money. Is that true? I don't believe we have. Huh? No, I think it's in tribute. I believe maybe I'm wrong. Is that the same with like airports and stuff? Yeah. I wonder if they've ever been alive for that.

I don't think so. There's the Ronald Reagan airport. There's a George Bush airport. Where's that? Isn't Houston George Bush? Oh, maybe. I think so.

No. Houston. What's the name? Oh, Houston has two airports. It looks like you're right. Bush Senior. Yeah. Herbert Walker Bush.

And then you have the George Washington Bridge. Yeah, I'm almost certain that was not when he was alive. Yeah. There's probably other examples of really old things did you know that george washington was a real like uh indian killer he he he made a couple decrees about killing the indians that were brutal like like he he basically said it is illegal for native people to practice any of their customs their language their dances their art they would be put in jail by by washington's decree did you know that i did not you know but there's that famous line in uh in uh link letters movie what's the one in texas and it's uh the uh thin blue line no no no jesus

christ i'm so tired anyway but it was the class and it's like you know it was like dazed and confused yeah july 4th coming up and it was something like but just remember our country was founded by a bunch of rich white slave owners who did not want to pay taxes anymore. Oh, the teacher said that, yeah. Sums it up, yeah. Speaking of which, Justin Walker says, Maryland fought with the North, fools. What's with the hatred?

How about a kind, you know, think of us as your children. And how would you discipline your child? How would you help your child learn? Would you call them fools and say what the fuck at the beginning of your statement? Maryland fought with the North, fools. Washington, D.C. is surrounded on three sides by Maryland, including the North side. If Maryland was a Confederate state, that would mean the Confederates had already overtaken the U.S. Capitol. Despite being a red state now, Kentucky fought with the North. Kentucky legislation never officially declared a side, but 75% of Kentucky soldiers enrolled with the Union Army. Kentucky is a hillside, whatever. Why is it that every time

you and Mike discuss racially sensitive topics it sounds like you guys are holding sticks what does that mean holding sticks that were ancient maybe huh or that were we own we own minorities holding sticks i don't know i don't know but i'm reading the biography of jesse james right now and it's kind of a history of um of uh missouri during the um yeah i know you mentioned civil war and it's really amazing like it was not you think of the civil war Did I ever talk about this? Do you think of the Civil War as like this state was fighting against the other state? And Missouri was like groups of people attacking each other randomly. Neighbors against neighbors. Clans against clans.

Families against families. It was brutal. Like today. That's still going on. I know. Ask New Coast Media. I know. Speaking of the country and traveling around it,

I will be in New Orleans on October 6th at the Howlin' Wolf. Next night in Lafayette, Louisiana. Chicago, October 15th at the Den Theater. San Francisco Punchline, November 3rd through the 5th. Then I'm going to. Chicago, October 15th at the Den Theater. San Francisco Punchline, November 3rd through the 5th. Then I'm going to Oklahoma City, November 16th, and Tampa,

and Dallas, and get involved. Get your tickets at FitzDawg.com. Come out and see some live comedy. Also, you want to take a crack at this week's advertising, Mike? Or should we get somebody who's awake to do it? Who? What? Raycons? I'll talk about Raycons comedy also you want to take you want to take a crack at this week's advertising mike or should

we get somebody who's awake to do it who what raycons i'll talk about raycon wireless earbuds there we go come on we've talked about it before i listen to them we love them um raycons everyday earbuds look feel and sound better than ever with optimizing gel tips for the perfect in-ear fit i've gone through this my right ear is smaller than my left ear and these things are other ones don't work for me as well they're always falling out and stuff these are perfect um and they will not budge raycons give you eight hours of play time and a 32 hour battery life they're priced just right you get quality audio at half the price half the price

audio brands it's no wonder raycon's everyday earbuds have over 50 000 five star reviews i listen to them at the gym they don't fall out at the gym i listen to podcasts i listen to i listen to joe rogan while i'm working out and inspires me to be more of a man. I like listening to it on the plane because I'm having trouble hearing. For some reason, I'm always near the wing. I think that's clearly the engines are there. But I also think the air is loudest there. Whatever it is, I'm having trouble hearing not with these because it's the noise isolation. And so it's great that's that's

where i wear them most i like the awareness mode you tap it and all of a sudden you can hear you can you can downplay the noise isolation and be like when i walk in the morning and i run into neighbors i can leave them in and hear what they're saying with the awareness mode on you're kind of like spying on them like they don't even know you're listening exactly well it's hard but you know i'm peering between their blinds i want to be able to hear what the fuck's going on and there's the three customizable sound profiles so listen they're great um so go go to buy raycon.com b-u-y-r-A-Y-C-O-N.com Today

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Buyraycon.com Code PAPERS15 Alright, listen Do it. They're great. BuyRaycon.com. Code Papers 15. All right, listen. Let's get to the front page. Oh, do you got anything to crinkle? Nothing. I've got a travel mask.

A face mask. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! See, my wife gives it to me to travel with. And then you don't use it? It's still in the package. No, I got two. I wore one on the way out. I'll wear one on the way back.

I have a manual for a printer here. Ah, there we go. Good. USC Medical Center is asking for help identifying a female patient who's been hospitalized. So I still I haven't written a joke for this. I don't even know what this story. The woman is approximately 30 years old, five foot nine, weighs a buck sixty, short black hair. She's been hospitalized since September 4th. They they released a photo showing her intubated. She got a tattoo of the name Jasmine on her right arm.

I just think this is funny that it's not funny, it's tragic. But it's also funny that they don't know who she is and they're trying to identify her by putting it out in the news. She has tattoos of two dots and a curved line by her right eye

I don't know what that means she's been to a rave a square next to her left eye so she's killed somebody a city skyline on her neck alright so she works a job at night

five on her left middle finger and Livia on her left arm anyone with information is asked to contact Luchero Rodriguez at three, two, three,

four Oh nine, seven, three, one, five. May. Is it Uma Thurman? Do you think it's Uma Thurman?

What, what is from kill? She's you think she's unconscious? She's intubated. So I guess she's unconscious. Huh? Maybe it's Jasmine Levy I can't well I'm surprised They're treating her like

Don't Thousands of people Get turned away every day from hospitals Because they don't have insurance I guess if you're unconscious They have to take care of you by law. You think so? I mean, don't you think?

What are they going to do? You're going to be unconscious? Are they going to put you out on the street? They got to take you in. That's the key. If you don't have health insurance, and say you've got like a nagging ache in your left arm, fake unconsciousness to get admitted, and then they have to help you. What friend or family member of this woman is going to speak up?

Because if they do, she's going to owe a ton of money. Right. And if she just remains, she should just feign amnesia coming out of it. I don't know who I am. I wonder how many of these tattoos she's gotten while she's already in there like maybe maybe like there's a uh an orderly who's a a burgeoning tattoo artist and he's just using her as a canvas

now the next tattoo is going to be contact Lucero Rodriguez at 323-409. I think that might be an interesting thing because like tattoo artists, how do you get good at it? You have to start on something. Maybe they should use corpses. Right before they bury them, right before they're allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. And then this tattoo program prevents them from being buried there. Yeah, I never. Every day, I'm sure there's someone giving their first tattoo.

Yeah. You don't want to be the first tattoo. Well, did you see the movie King of Staten Island? There's a way to practice. There's a way to practice. Chris Denman said sometimes they use fruit. I was going to guess like a football, which is skin. Yeah.

Like an orange peel, he said. Did you see King of Staten Island? Yes, I did. Yeah, that was all about a guy trying to find victims for his tattoos remember he tattoos like an eight-year-old boy who gets i forgot about that was the funniest part of the movie yeah yeah yeah um yeah i don't know i'm surprised they don't do it on animals I guess an animal wouldn't tolerate that No

No Alright Chris is writing There's also practice There's also practice skin The hell is that You don't have to tell me You don't have to tell me

It's in my basement A product He's such a slow fucking typer And then he deletes it. He gave up on it. He gave up on it. All right, forget it, Chris. Stop.

Stop. DeSantis in Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis, followed through on his promise to drop off illegal immigrants. Why would I call them that? In progressive states, sending two planes full of migrants

to Martha's Vineyard on Wednesday. So, you know, he's doing it. Is this so terrible? That's my reaction. I mean, they land on the vineyard in September, the best month on the vineyard. Right, right. Easily the best month on the vineyard. Right, right. Easily the best month on the vineyard. With the kindest people.

Muffy, we've got to get some clothes for these people for the winter. Someone ship 200 L.L. Bean catalogs to the island. We need to dye their hair blonde and get them each a golden retriever and a Land Rover. I can tell you right now, absolutely one of the reactions was, finally the workers are here yeah right they can never percent yeah they they love it i mean here's the thing i i believe that uh they will find i they will find a welcome in martha's vineyard like they probably wouldn't get in texas or florida so why not you know you know I think they're already on a base in Cape Cod. Listen, it's obviously a bad story. Apparently, you know, according to them, they were duped and they were given like, you know, a bag of like supplies and and they were, you know, they were told all they made all these promises were made about what would be welcoming them on the other side and all that stuff.

So anyway, it's a crazy move. Can you imagine being the Spanish interpreter that's telling these people all these lies? Can you imagine selling out your own people? Oh, no, it's going to be great. There's going to be, there's a river and there's going to there's a river and there's gonna be a vegetable garden and there's gonna be rabbits george just look over there as i tell you this i'm gonna sit behind you um i bet they can't find a native tongue person to do that so it's probably some white republican like uh

it'll be muy bien they'll be tortillas you'll love it all right vamos now um well look i'm sure if you live in the vineyard and you had to have people come from florida you can either have a bunch of fucking meth heads. They're going to start a meth lab on your fishing boat, open a strip club, try to, try to steal the, the ATM from the gas station with their pickup truck. Or you're going to get a guy who's going to work his ass off, open up maybe a little Mexican restaurant. Who's going to maybe start a, uh, open up maybe a little Mexican restaurant who's going to maybe start a landscaping company. I'll take that guy.

Yeah. Right. I will say when they finally got there, it must have been some of the most awkward clam bakes ever. That's all these migrants in their incredibly heavy sweat soaked jeans are standing there with their little bag of toothpaste or whatever the hell Florida gave them. Oh, God.

Lobster tail? Shh, see. See? Yeah. A nude photo. Oh, no, we're going to kill this one, right? I think so. That is a weird story.

All right. A woman's suitcase containing her custom prosthetic leg was sent to the wrong destination for over 10 days by allegiant airlines which i'm flying home tomorrow morning can't wait in an experience she called traumatic emily tweety has booked a direct flight from aust to San Diego to visit her cousin. This was my first time to the West Coast, so I was really looking forward to swimming in the Pacific. Well, let me know where, because it sounds like I'm going to have to save somebody else. She packed her custom-made waterproof prosthetic leg in a bright blue suitcase. She couldn't locate her bag.

Allegiant Airlines spokesman said that it is rare for Allegiant to mishandle a passenger bag. Is it? Is it? Yeah. So I guess she missed the last leg of her flight. She really hopped a flight to the West Coast. Now a legion, by the way, is charging her extra for all the leg room she had down where the bags are. Like you could really stretch out down there. So dumb.

It's so dumb. I wonder what they charged her to put the leg in the suitcase, because I think at KFC an extra leg is like two bucks. Oh, my God. Okay. A tractor trailer overturned on I-40 in OKC Wednesday, spilling vibrators all over Mustang Road and closing off the ramp for several hours. This is a semi that overturned and lost its load here. Yeah, I lost my load reading about this.

The reporter from Sky 9, Chopper, said there's a lot of stuff to clean up. Yeah. Yeah, cleaning up after a vibrator is an ordeal alcohol wipes a mini vac tissues if she's a squirter you may need paper towels and a sump pump you know it's like a fish truck has totally tipped over with all the all the flapping vibrators on the highway and jim jim what's that loud buzzing noise are there locusts is that locusts in the area crickets this is not i'm just going to say it this is not going to help women drivers

they're already i in my opinion more challenged and this is going to be a major distraction yes and it would have been a distraction for the reporter. Notice they sent a male reporter. He can keep his cool? Yeah. Julie, are you there? Julie? Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, yes. Hey, yes, Bill. Why are you sitting down on the highway delivering this story? This ramp is the opposite of a carpool lane. Everyone wants to be alone in their car when they go on this road. Mustang Road. Vroom.

All right. Melania Trump is in the news. She unveiled her latest money-making scheme, a range of bespoke Christmas ornaments, some of which she personally designed during her time in the white house many judge melania's own attempts at christmas decorating as somewhat creepy a leaked phone call to a former aide caught her slamming her treatment at the hands of the media melania said she had been working her ass off on white house decorations despite it not being of much interest

to her quote who gives a fuck about christmas stuff and decorations she ranted uh according to fox news melania's new range of handcrafted ornaments is accompanied by animated nfts the latter can be bought printed or displayed or sold as a collectible. Look, I respect the hustle. Her husband's worth millions. Notice mill, not bill. And she is grinding out merch sales on the side. Like, does he have her on an allowance?

Do you sense she's, like, planning an escape here? I can't even figure her out. What is her deal? Like, why is she still with? Wasn't their divorce imminent when everything went down after, I mean, a couple of times during his administration? And then it was like, wasn't there rumors that they hatched a deal and she was being paid to stay with him? Yeah, that, of course. I mean, it's probably just rumors.

But what is she getting out of this? Like she she could be set for life without having to be married to him. Yes. I don't get it. But anyway, christmas stuff i found when i went in and looked up yeah mashable had mashable had a headline and it was uh melania's fucking christmas decorations ranked because there's so many missteps they have to have a giant list of them yeah yeah there's a there's a there's a little

christmas angel you put on top and she's giving you the finger well it's like that saying do what you love to hate do what you love to hate but the balls of being caught making that statement and then going no i'm gonna i'm gonna sell them i going to lean into this Christmas thing, God damn it. Time for good news for Gubbins. Here we go. Gubbins is in Italy, but he's back. He's back from Italy. What did you say?

Did he play golf this week? He played golf. I heard he was originally out, then he was in. I don't know what that story is. how did he get in if he was out I don't know I don't know you're not sure I'm pretty sure I don't know that you're I don't know why you're not telling this story you told it off the air news it's secondhand news I don't know if he asked someone to bow out so he could go back in he's gonna be angry about this so the tea time was all set up there was four guys that were confirmed to play and then he came back from italy and he what asked one of the guys

not to play so he could no he said i don't want to play. So I think the guy called Mikey, called another friend of ours who said, OK, I'll take a slot. Then I think Gubbins wanted to play and called the guy and asked him to bow out. Now, I bet Gubbins just drove off the street on his bicycle listening to this uh because i'm sure that is not what happened in his view yeah i know i don't know i i i'm betting that's exactly what happened well we're gonna hear aren't we yeah we're gonna find out i've not heard about you went to sicily i don't know what happened over there sicily's a hot spot sicily's the new portugal is it yeah italy's even dealing with like tourism so increasing there and a decreasing in the usual spots in italy well they've closed off there's no more um cruise ships coming into venice they stopped the cruise ships because they literally had too much tourism.

Oh, really? Yeah. I thought it was going to be like water level or something. Well, I think that's part of it. They can't handle as many people because of the flooding. Oh, wow. It's here. It's here.

Cities are flooding. Global warming. I mean, how bad does global warming have to get until people that are denying it will finally stop and go okay we were wrong will that will that day ever happen where they say we were wrong won't they just switch seamlessly into well there's nothing you can do about it yeah right you know like what are you doing why are you still talking about this yeah they you know and that way they win no matter what. All right,

let's get to entertainment. You got it. Okay. Okay. Last week's story. They're, uh, considering a homosexual gentleman to play James Bond in the next movie.

And we got some emails from people suggesting some titles for some James Bond movies. Should James Bond be portrayed by a homosexual? Scott said Underball. What was it originally? What is murder ball? No, no, not murder ball. You only live. You only love twinks instead of you only love twice.

Diamonds are for Evan. You only live twice or something, right? Diamonds are for Evan. That's funny. Diamonds are for Evan. That's funny. Love and get guy. The man with the golden bun. The spy who loved pee. So pee is gay? I didn't know that was gay. Is that a gay thing

more than a straight thing? Oh, wait, wait till you read the next one. Moonraper. What? Wait a minute. moon raper what wait a minute again the gays haven't cornered the market on rape for young guys only instead of for your eyes only a screw to a kill all right tomorrow neville dies oh is that an aids joke i don't know is that you went? I think he just was trying to put in a guy name. That's all. The girl is not enough. That's pretty good. What was it originally? The world is not enough, I think.

Oh. Spunkter. And then James Palmer said, can't believe you, Mike, missed the obvious 007 gay movie title, Brownfinger. Oh, boy. Okay. I don't know about, do you think the finger gets brown i would assume if two gentlemen are

going to make love to one another there would be a cleaning of the buttocks i don't i don't know that you would have shit in your ass what are you talking about like what about when gay guys just hook up out of nowhere, which happens constantly. Yeah, I guess so. You can't always, you're eating, I mean. I can remember going out to dance clubs. I used to go to dance clubs. I used to break dance when I was a teenager. And finger booty holes? I would hook up with girls who danced with me for hours,

and then I would go down on that shit i went down i am i did today you're sharing a lot all right so there was ann arbor yeah handjob capital of the midwest yeah and uh and now this story good lord i'm trying to shake it up sunday papers we got to shake it up a little bit. All right, here's a big story. They love us over in the UK. You didn't read that. Love you over here in the UK,

and I will probably shit my pants if you read this out on Sunday Papers. Well, don't shit your pants and then get fingered by a guy. Do them that favor. You two are the kippers tits uh here's a story that's close to home for both of us uh now now that the ellen degenera show has finished its 19 year run people have questions for example why did rosie o'donnell never once appear on the daytime talk show good question i never thought about that i did think about it

because i knew the answer already i'm glad it's coming out o'donnell explained what went down on watch what happens with host andy cohen is he cross-eyed he's a just terrible human being let's just not even talk about him we had a little bit is he gay yes he's famously gay okay uh we had why does he have a brown finger we had a little bit of a weird thing this is rosie rosie said this he rapes the moon too we had a little bit of a weird thing and after my show went off the air and hers was coming on the air larry king was on ellen's show and he said whatever happened to ros Rosie O'Donnell? Her show went down the tubes. She came out as a lesbian and disappeared. O'Donnell recounted. She continued, and Ellen said, and I'm quoting, I don't know, Rosie. We're not friends. I was in bed with Kelly,

and I said, did I just hear that, or was that a hallucination? that's what happened it hurt my feelings like a baby and i never really got over it don't you think formerly closeted lesbian daytime talk show host stand-up comedians from the 80s could get along like they're the only two people in that genre it's crazy so it would be like if me and you didn't get along two upper middle class vaguely uh unpolitically correct irish vaguely well i don't really like me that much so if you're similar to me i mean that's what happened at the beginning of our relationship. So I don't remember Rosie O'Donnell coming out. Well, you remember she famously... She came out as a lesbian and disappeared.

She famously pretended she had a crush on Tom Cruise during the daytime talk show. Well, I think she did, actually, but yeah. And then finally got him on. I remember that, right? Yeah. Also Streisand. Yeah. That wasisand. Yeah.

That was a big one. And then she had to move her couch, which I've told that story before. So Streisand's good side would be featured. Oh, right. She had to move her couch to the other side of the desk. I was the second person to ever do stand-up on the Rosie O'Donnell show. Are you serious? And then they took a long break after that.

I think my set was a little off-color, and she apparently was mad at me. But it wasn't my fault, because the producer had formerly been a Letterman producer, and that producer said to me when he booked me, just do your Letterman set.

And I did my Letterman set, and it was kind of an edgy Letterman set, and it didn't really go over at 10 o'clock in the morning in front of a bunch of housewives from New Jersey that was not good advice um this is so perfectly Ellen like to do that like she just it's almost like I want to describe it as corporate you know like I think the advice was just distance yourself remember she was getting all that advice alan at the beginning like you can't use the word lesbian yeah you know uh so who knows all right here's here's a quote here's a quote that denman found rosie said when i came out on tv after 9-11, it was like a blip.

Nobody even. But I was surprised that people thought I was not gay. I went to a comedy club and I was doing stand-up and I'm like, I'm gay. Listen, 9-11 happened. I'm gay. I'm telling you all I'm gay. In case the buildings blow up again, I'm so, so gay, you know? I don't get it.

Well, I have a soft spot for Rosie i fucking love rosie o'donnell yeah she's a loose cannon don't get me wrong she speaks her fucking mind like nobody else yeah and sometimes her mind isn't right but she does speak it yeah uh yeah and she's genuinely funny like she she is a very she's a funny. She's Tim Dillon. She's the lesbian Tim Dillon. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. Is that. Yeah, she's. And I think she's a really good actress. Great in League of Their Own. She's got it. She's she's in the L word. She's become a series regular in the L word. She was just on Stern last week, which is amazing because Stern shit all over her for decades.

Oh, he had her giant head. You had to guess how many like jelly beans were in it or whatever. Like, yeah, he was so mean to her. Yep. And they had a really vicious rivalry or whatever it was,

uh, you know, a beef. And, and then it's, it's kind of remarkable. I kind of give both of them credit, but especially Rosie for like now she's a recurring guest.

She tells him she loves talking to her. She, she always ends up with saying, I love you, Howard. Right. So I think most people get it. He's doing a shtick. He used to make fun of my father. You know, my father got it. My mother didn't. My mother hates Howard to this day because he said horrible things about my dad, but my father got it my mother didn't my mother hates howard to this day because he said horrible things about my dad but my dad got it oh wow yeah yeah and then he had you like i mean your mom clearly should know after he then like you know he loved you i did the

show 50 times yeah he gave you a show gave me a show gave us a show well he gave me a show and then i brought you on it yeah yeah he loves me we've said this no that's no idea i exist um make them here we go make america florida A little curveball. It's a story about Utah. Utah, somehow not Florida, is what I say, is America's worst state for road rage drivers. What? A survey reveals.

And North Dakota is home to the nation's calmest drivers, according to this study. So Missouri isn't far behind Utah in terms of the's calmest drivers, according to this study. So Missouri isn't far behind Utah in terms of the angriest drivers. They had some way to quantify this and they got a 99.62 out of 100 or whatever. Missourians, listen up, Chris, Missourians reportedly love a good insult or offensive gesture towards annoying drivers with 50 and 54 percent respectively admitting to doing that the show me state was also you ready for this one so this is about missouri now the show me state was also the top state to report having another driver point a gun at them at 8%. What? What would you do?

Wow. What would you do if someone pointed a gun at you on the highway? I would duck and drive away from them. That's interesting you say that because I'm not joking or trying to be funny. I thought I'd duck and drive into them. Really? Really? Well, if I, I would maybe experience rage, but don't you get a green light to just smash your car into them and drive them? Yeah. Because you're like, what happened? First of all, they'd find a gun. Yeah. And then you would say that. And I think that's already illegal,

no matter where, I mean, if you, if you're gesturing with a gun and then it's like you could just blame it on like, what do you mean? I panicked and ducked. I didn't mean to drive into him. Yeah. the other day and I was merging onto Lincoln making a left-hand turn, which is a little bit tough to do. So I had an opening from the oncoming traffic. So I pulled in, but then this guy closed the gap on me where I was trying to pull in. So now my back end is sitting in the way of oncoming traffic and this guy has closed the gap. So I just very aggressively pulled in front of him anyway and wedged my way in. And he went fucking crazy, honking, giving me the finger, going fucking crazy. And then we pull up to a light and he pulls up right next to me and is honking, giving me the finger. And I got out of the car and I had a Coca-Cola in a can. And I walked up and I poured it all over his windshield. And then I got back in my car and continued my phone call with my sister

and ignored him while he screamed even louder. It should have been your therapist on the phone. You and your... So this study, I cut down the story. It was long. They also have all these percentages of incidents where the person's gotten out of the car to confront the other person. I thought of you. Yeah. They had all these stats on how many people have admitted honking or maybe swerving or driving dangerously, you know, during a fit of rage. So, uh, but I do think of how many times your road rage is bad. It's bad.

It was. It gets real bad. I just couldn't believe this motherfucker wouldn't let me in because you should have seen the look on his face when he closed the gap. He looked at, he was shaking his head like, nope, not this time, motherfucker. Like, what is your life story that you, that did somebody rape you after pulling in front of you? What are you so fucking traumatized by me trying to get out of the way of traffic jesus christ advice like we have the longest lines like to make that right on the 101 off the 405 and it's like you just have to follow

the person you already know is cutting in and then cut right in in front of them what can they say i do that move yeah yeah it's shocking how many of those people then don't let you in it's like louis ck's joke about he goes this country is like this at ellis island somebody comes in gets sworn in gets naturalized and turns around he goes hey who's this fucking immigrant behind me stop stop this guy from getting in i forget how the joke i'm butchering the joke but but that was the gist of it. I think he said they get stamped and they immediately turn around like, you're going to let this fucker in?

All right, let's get to International. Here we go. There's stories about people passing out because of the queen. I guess one of the guys protecting the queen. You know, those guys that stand perfectly still. By the way,

what's with all the guarding? What's with all the guarding of her fucking corpse? Is it because of britain's history of necrophilia are they really are they worried somebody's gonna fuck the queen this guards everywhere she's probably buried with jewels right oh that's true right why wouldn't you make fake jewels who gives a shit yeah also maybe don't bury. Maybe she's not buried with jewels. I don't know how that works. Interesting.

Is she going in Westminster Abbey? Yep. Uh, wow. Imagine all the jewels that are buried in the ground of that fucking place. Damn. Well, let's say you stole the queen's body. What do you do then? Like, that's fun bragging. Like, dude. Yeah. What is that? It's the queen's body what do you do then like that's fun bragging like dude yeah what is

that it's the queen man dude it's the queen's leg no it's not that's a waterproof leg where did you get that a legion airlines how do you have the queen's leg in san diego uh yeah so i don't know what i don't know yeah but anyway what so what the funeral the funeral are they even calling it the funeral the funeral is monday is that monday at four in the morning and my wife is so into it she's going to my friend gail's house at four in the morning to watch the funeral and it's like sweetie you're fucking irish she this queen oversaw a government that starved us to death a million fucking irish people were starved to death in the 19th century under the reign of this woman she was around in the 19th century and then i guess some some woman who was uh uh she was a earl's wife or a princess

or whatever they call themselves over there and she passed out what did they did they not use a did they embalm her with chlorophyll why is everybody passing out maybe she smells really bad tom o'neill of course is watching it like Carefully and Bless you Tickle in the nose So It's like the great grandkids Did you see that one that he sent What was that I didn't watch it

They're making these young Children in the most formal Way they approach her casket And then they have to wait for a guard And then the guard just takes one step at a time like he's going up these three stairs or whatever but it's like the right leg up the right leg up the right leg up and they all have to follow in unison it's it's like it's a it's like a cult it's a a weird, weird ritual, I guess.

Yeah. I don't know what it is. Yeah. Jesus. Makes you think about your own family's funerals and how like underprepared. We just had Aunt Jo's funeral in the Bronx. You guys didn't do the one step, one step, one step?

No, we didn't do the one step, yeah. Or the great grandkids? No one passed out at Aunt joe's no one passed out although there was a lot of drinking at the reception afterwards everybody roasted her it was a good irish wake where people told funny stories about her and uh and then the fighting began over the estate isn't it funny the estate it's a house in the bron Bronx but my wife's family is all fighting about it now there's like some there's a crazy cousin who's suing uh Aaron's mom because her mom's the uh executor of the will and this woman is a born-again Christian who thinks everyone's robbing her

so it's getting ugly that's you would think it was a giant estate. Yeah. That's the best part. It's a triple deca in Throg's neck. What are we doing? Here we go. A nursing home has been forced to apologize for hiring a stripper to perform for senior citizens in wheelchairs. Who's the apology to? Don't ask me. These guys had the day of their life. The dead spouses?

me these guys had the day of their life the dead spouses at the toy on veterans home a state-run facility for army personnel in taiwan paid the adult entertainer for a steamy show the kinky clip shows the masked up erotic dancer masked up clad in lacy lingerie giving one elderly man a lap dance and thrusting her breasts into his face the The man doesn't appear to mind, however, as he could be seen squeezing the woman's assets as she enthusiastically rides her body. Other nursing home residents clapped along enthusiastically, seeming to relish the raunchy show. But the senior care facility was hit with backlash and subsequently released a statement saying,

the intention of the event was to entertain residents and make them happy. We're very sorry for the offense that was caused. They said there was a more sedate game of bingo and some karaoke in an adjoining nursing hall, which apparently was empty. Well attended. Video shows that the residents and the stripper remained COVID safe at all times, however, keeping face masks on throughout the show. the stripper remained COVID safe at all times however keeping face masks on

throughout the show so no one got COVID couple guys got blue balls no one got COVID I'm seeing the pictures that is an attractive stripper dude she's smoking hot and the guys look at his hands it's this little old man with his hands

right on her tits he's having a little old bald guy she's right on her tits. He's having a little old guy. She's rubbing his bald head. She's clearly she's got a mask on, but you can see from her eyes that she's smiling. Who's unhappy here? The guys are happy. She's happy. Why is this a problem?

This is great. Like an ecstatic smile with her. You know, she's like just absolutely looks like she's laughing. She could also be crying hysterically. That's a funny way to look at it. Well, maybe she found her estranged grandfather. That, and there's video of it and photographs of it. I love it.

And every guy is in his wheelchair clapping, having a blast. Why not? They really are all wheelchairs. It's a room, and the perimeter is old men in wheelchairs. Yeah. This is what strippers were born and bred for. And next door is the longest bingo game in the history of bingo. B-6. Jesus. The longest bingo game in the history of bingo.

B6. Jesus. Every card has to be full at this point. Hello? We've run out of numbers. We've read every number. There's not one bingo? Right.

And I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. Just the music playing. No voices. Just looping. Not even anyone administering their karaoke machine just on a loop uh all right let's get to sports uh but also it's nice Taiwan takes care of their, they have a veteran home. I know. Yes.

How about that? And it looks like a very nice home. Sports. Sports. Here we go. All right. I thought it was interesting. So Amazon made its Thursday night football streaming debut.

And the hope is it enhances the broadcast experience enough to keep viewers coming back it's part of a deal between amazon and the nfl announced in march last year where the tech giant is getting exclusive rights to the league's thursday night football games the broadcasts were originally slated to begin in 2023 but they moved them up to 2022 so i happen happen to know, and I'm just stating the obvious that that Thursday night game. So I had a TV show on CBS on Thursdays. And I remember, uh, at the beginning of the TV season, the head of like promotions or whatever for CBS came up to me and goes, you have four weeks or whatever it was, maybe it was six. You have six weeks to get your audience. And I'm like, well, you know, there's 13 shows. I didn't really know what he was saying. And he goes, because you were on

Thursdays, which is huge. We were following the big bang theory, best time slot on all the television. And he goes, because in seven weeks, Thursday night football starts on NBC and no one will be watching our network. Like that's how powerful Thursday night football is. Yeah. But that's not why I put it in here. I was at a bar Thursday night and I go and this was an amazing game. Like these are two favorites to go like you know deep into the playoffs Kansas City and the Chargers and uh oh it's a rivalry it's a big

rivalry now and two incredibly exciting quarterbacks like the future of the of the NFL these two so i i the bar has this movie with uh statham jeremy statham on about the megalodon shark or whatever they call that thing yeah so i'm like it's like this crap crap intentionally crap movie and i'm like i think the game's on like i just kind of wanted to tell him like anything and he goes this game is killing me. And I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, you're like the 20th person. He goes,

we can't play it because it's a streaming device. And almost all bars are either direct TV or cable. No, but it was also on, uh, one of the networks. It was on both. Only in the hometowns of the teams. No,

that's what I read. Yes. No. Cause I saw it. Cause I watched it on both in LA because I was like, why are they putting this on? Was it Amazon? Why are they putting this on Amazon? What, like, what's my, what's my, uh, need to go to a streaming service when I can watch it? And so I was flipping back and forth. Both had commercials. Amazon was running commercials, even though I pay for Prime. So I thought, oh, well, maybe they're just showing you extra footage instead of commercials.

But it was the same fucking thing. I don't get it. So it says, it will likely mark the first time many viewers will tune into Amazon Prime Video rather than traditional cable or broadcast channels to watch the game. get it so it says it will likely mark the first time many viewers will tune into amazon prime video rather than traditional cable or broadcast channels to watch the game parentheses fans in the team's respective cities will still be able to watch the game on television but like that to me so i'm probably overthinking this and then they cut to a shot by the way of goodell or whatever his name is and and bezos sitting together like in the you know the luxury box and it's like that's it i mean that is it like and all like the

last month there have been these articles about this the official death of networks yeah like network tv they have like they're it's the maddest scramble ever they no one's watching them and it's like this that's it like sports is one of the big reasons you would hold on to satellite it's the only reason you want live tv is for sports but now with youtube tv i can't even tell you sports is amazing on youtube tv what do you mean watching replays or live? No live YouTube, no YouTube TV. Yeah. I have YouTube TV as well. Right. And it's amazing. Yeah. You can fast forward. If you tune into a game, it'll ask you if you want to start at the beginning, start live, start from the beginning, like, right. And all these things, I'm not a sports guy. So,

but I wonder what real sports guys say about it. I know the red zone is incredibly popular, but like, if you don't think YouTube and Google are going to rip that off, you have another thing coming. Well, can we talk about that game Thursday night, our chargers and you know, and I just, Justin Herbert is so exciting to watch. He's fucking great as quarterback and they lost cause my homes fucking turned it on in the fourth quarter. But there's a fun fact Chris Denman wanted us to bring up.

At one point, and I hope he's okay, actually. I haven't checked on that. But Herbert got hit in the ribs and might have cracked a rib or something, and so they brought in a backup quarterback for one play. This guy, he's a Missouri legend, Chase Daniel, came in for one play, and apparently he's been in the NFL for 13 years. He's played in 71 games, but he only had five starts, thrown 261 passes, eight touchdowns, earnings 41 million dollars

and what else life man maybe that's just his salary too like what about the shoes he wears right right uh and a local and the local diner in his town or whatever he does ads for yep the car dealership i did see one play in the you know in the game because i then like put on my phone a little bit and other people at the bar were watching their phones it was so weird um he threw a sidearm did you see the sidearm when he scrambled scrambled beat two tackles and then threw a sidearm through traffic directly into a guy's hands with perfect spiral on it. That's like what an athlete. Yeah, I know.

Jesus. He's really something else. And then we have our Bucs bet. I'm already down. Goddamn Tom Brady. Same as last year. It was the third year in a row we've done the Buccaneers bet where I get the Buccaneers to win with points, which means I'm giving points

99% of the time. And, uh, this week the bucks beat, who did they beat? I can't remember, but you're down 50 bucks. We watched it together and we can't remember who, how much, how much did I, uh, make last year? No, I won last year. Oh, the last game I said, all right, we don't have to count it. Like it, whatever. Like we did a bet, but I still want you won last year oh remember the last game i said all right we don't have to count like whatever like we did a bet but i still won you won the year before big right right i think

you won you were up 200 and we did double or nothing and i won 400 yeah yeah and then i think i i think i paid you 400 last year for uh when i say last year you won it last year and i paid you this year yeah oh that's right it was the cowboys um well i we should put it down yeah i owe you 50 bucks and this week they're playing new orleans and uh new orleans they're give tampa bay is giving two and a half points i think okay oh good yeah um all right let's get to science science technology what a story this is the world of chess has been rocked by the biggest scandal in years and it involves ai and anal beads last week world, world chess champion Magnus Carlsen withdrew from a major tournament with a $350,000 prize after his unexpected defeat by underdog Hans Niemann.

Chess enthusiasts online have since gone on to speculate that Niemann may have been cheating with computer assistants and anal beads. The anal beads are just to keep him relaxed. That's all. But he is using AI. Chess fans speculated that anal beads could transmit messages from an accomplice who is watching the game being broadcast live online

and consult an AI to transmit the perfect move. Here's the perfect move. Pull him out. Oh, that's the paydayday neiman has vehemently denied that he cheated against carlson and even went so far as to say he would play fully naked to prove it well that may also give you a slight advantage playing totally naked that'll bring him back into the tournament yeah just play him totally naked yeah right and just okay and and then while you're about to make a move try to give yourself an erection just to make him think you got

something good okay what do we think is going on what's the transmitting what are they talking about well because if i'm watching i could put on a chess program and put it at the highest level and input the guy's previous move and it will give me. I get all that. Yeah. So what don't you get? So what's being transmitted? Oh, I'm sure there's this system of little vibrations. I know.

Must it be in your ass to be vibrated? What about a little patch on your even butt cheek? Or what about some little thing around your waist? Maybe the guy's gay. Maybe he was given all these choices. He's like, no, no, no, back to the beads, back to the beads. Those can vibrate also? So listen, we're going to put this thing right behind your ear,

and it'll vibrate. Right. Could that go in an anal bead and that would vibrate? Like he just won't let it go? I just know that when he wins, he should stand up and rip out the beads. Doesn't it make you cum? Is that the whole idea of anal beads is you put them in and then right before you orgasm, you yank them out and it stimulates you?

I mean, I think they're good while they're in too. I've honestly never used them. But yeah, I think, you know, that's the joke is like that's the culmination. Yeah. Not the joke. That's what they say. Huh. But.

I once played backgammon against the guy wearing a cock ring and nipple clamps, but that just helps me relax and focus. Meanwhile, they suspect this guy like, all right, wait, we have to give a search. This guy has an extra queen up here What are you It's like a gambler with cards He's like what are you If you're going to have an extra queen up there

Make sure you're the dark pieces The disgusting queen Is up here Look at all these rooks He has like a whole extra set up there Wow the queen really can go anywhere. All right. A little tough time getting it out because it's diagonal right now.

Let's see. We don't have to talk about business. We already talked about the recession, like with this interest rate hike that's going to happen. Yeah. I don't think we need this day in history do we really care no uh let's do some letters let's do some letters to the editor okay okay this is from ellen d mike would only fuck his cousin if she looked like bob dylan boom roasted love ellen d she okay i guess were we talking about fucking our cousins We look like Bob Dylan. Boom. Roasted. Love L and D. She. Okay. I guess we were,

we talking about fucking our cousins. I think maybe I said it's not so bad. Huh? I don't know. All right. Guy named Shay or a man or a woman named Shay could be either. Hey Greg and Mike, I just want to quickly voice my support for bringing family circus back i get it that mike feels like a

broken record with the same reaction every week but it's never not funny just my two cents i also support any and all things maroon i do believe that it is objectively the best color you guys are the best shea okay what's disturbing is there's three, three things that Shay is a fan of. And the most, and one of them is this podcast and us. And, uh, based on the other two,

I'm a little worried. I'm a little worried. How do you fan of Maroon? How do you argue with Maroon? How do you argue with Maroon? It's Maroon is terrible. It's purple without being loud. It's purple without being loud. It's a,

it's a relaxed purple. Relaxed purple does not sell it fella. I got to tell you, it matches everything. It matches Brown, black, white, blue,

yellow. You ever see the Minnesota Vikings maroon and yellow. They're maroon? Yep. I don't know about that. Oh, wow. Look at this obituary. Oh, here's the obituary, buddy.

Hold on. We're going to go to obituary. Wait. I didn't see this. And that's all, folks. Joseph Hazelwood, does that name ring a bell or a coastline? Was the captain of the oil tanker Exxon Valdez in 1989 when it hit a reef, resulting in a disastrous oil spill. Hazelwood had been in the Merchant Marine for more than 20 years before the headline-grabbing oil spill.

He was captain of the Exxon Valdez as it began its voyage from Valdez, Alexa to Long Beach, California. When the Exxon Valdez hit Alaska's Bly Reef, puncturing its cargo hold and spilling 10 million gallons of crude oil into Prince William Sound. He was not at the helm, having trusted the third bait, not even the second mate, to maneuver around several small icebergs. However, he was blamed for the disaster, and news reports portrayed him as heavily intoxicated at the time of the accident. The truth of Hazelwood's blood alcohol content was unclear, and though he accepted responsibility as the ship's captain, he later said he had been made a scapegoat. He was acquitted of felony charges, but was convicted of a misdemeanor charge of negligently discharging oil. The disaster was the end of Hazelwood's career as a merchant seaman. In later years, he worked as a paralegal and a teacher,

as well as a consultant for the law firm Chalos and Brown. I mean, look, I once ran over a curb in my wife's subaru but this guy hit a coastline i thought this would be more interesting because i had a theory at the time because there was crazy it was very blurry like they're saying his, we never got to like a straight answer on his blood alcohol, but he was really like, they had a very haggard looking picture of him and he was a very successful scapegoat. Like, I'd like to see how he lived his life after that. Like, did he have a really nice house or car or vacations? Because my theory was Exxon needed, he did what Exxon said, like, I'm making all this up, but like, take a shortcut through there.

But that's illegal. Don't worry. We'll take care of you. You take the shortcut through there. It's going to save us, you thousands of dollars whatever so he does he hits the reef and then they're like you have to be our fall guy but we'll take care we'll take care of you yeah i think it also changed the way they built cargo or the cargo holding tanks in ships but it used to be one giant hull filled with oil and they broke it up into like compartments of like 12 so that if you did hit something you only lost you know a portion of the oil

i think they did that even with it was titanic like that like in theory it was like also a ship one sink because the same thing water coming in would only come into part of you know right the hull yeah but uh yeah i i'd like to see a documentary on this i i'm wondering if there already is like this guy's interesting i think i think he was teaching at my cousin went to a merchant marine school in the bronx in in throgs Neck called, uh, Sunni Maritime. And, uh, he was a teacher there. No. Yep. He was a teacher there. How did they do that? Well, those who can't teach. No, but is it, here's what not to do. He's the most infamous, know cargo guy you know captain yeah i don't know will you look that up denman look up whether he taught at suny maritime

also look up hazelwood conspiracy theory i wonder if that's how you would Google. That's a lot to Google for a podcast that's winding down. We've got to put Tom O'Neill on this. I know. All right, let's get to some funnies. Let's cheer up. Okay. We got some email from a guy named Rich who said, Hager's sidekick's name is Lucky Eddie.

I always forget Lucky Eddie's name. Thank you, Rich, for taking the time out. By the way, if you want to contact us, it's FitzDogRadio at gmail.com if you want to send in some notes to the show. Maybe you've got some logos you want to design for the show. We're always looking for those. We're looking for songs.

Are we? Are we looking for songs? We we are we looking for songs we gotta pick a song are you lucky when you rape and pillage does luck in the is that a factor isn't it a lock it should be locked eddie locked eddie locked up eddie that's what it should be. Sex with women and riches, those are locks because we're Vikings. So Hager walks into a castle and he says, thanks for the invitation, King Edgar. And King Edgar, who looks very young, he's got a ponytail and like the start of a beard.

He's skinny. He said, would you like a tour of the palace before dinner? And Hager goes, no need. I cased a place when your father was king and now the young king looks uh very disturbed uh and then hagger in the next frame goes where's your mom i don't think he needs a mom with this guy's long ponytail right now yeah i think he i think hagger's gonna have a brown finger in the fourth frame. Oh, the booze. The Lockhorns, they're at the opera,

and Leroy says to his wife, if we leave early, we can miss the last two hours and 55 minutes of this. That's a fucking great line. I got to file that away for the next bad show. I bet. Oh my God. I read something.

Oh, I read it this week. Some story, someone, I'm forgetting who it is. Begged David Bowie to go to rent. They were in New York and they demanded, they're like,

I'm buying you tickets. We're going like tuesday to rent which was a new hit on broadway and he went and they were there and like 20 minutes in he leaned over and said i'm gonna kill you and i loved hearing that bowie hated rent. I wonder who that is. All right, as you read... So Denman just posted that he was hired by the states, by New York State's Maritime College

to teach students how to stand watch on a ship's bridge. Wow. Wow. All right. All right. What's next? The next Lockhorns is Wow. Wow. All right. All right. What do we got? What songs?

The next Lockhorns is Leroy is on hold with a laptop open in front of him. Loretta is holding a bill in her hand. And he goes, uh-oh, the hold music is by John Cage. That's advanced. That is. I don't even get it. Who's John Cage. That's advanced. That is. I don't even get it. Who's John Cage? I was assuming it must be like horror movie.

I think so. I don't know. We should know what that is. I don't know. I don't know. Dan, why don't you look up John Cage for us? And then in the next one,

Leroy says to her, can't we just disagree to disagree? And finally, she opens up a bottle of perfume from a present box and she says, sorry, Leroy, but I can't believe it's not Chanel. Isn't romantic. And I should have closed out on the other one. Maybe. All right. romantic all right i should have closed out on the other one maybe all right as promised i grabbed a gary larson far side it's a picture of a pet store you see on the window it says bob's pets and then inside in the foreground is a bowl is a fishl with one fish in it,

and it says piranha, $29.95. And in the background, you see a cat with two wooden peg legs as its front legs. Oh, I didn't see that. I looked at it, and I was like, I don't get this cartoon. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. It's great. Oh, that's good yeah um all right so the let's here's blondie now fuck face is laying on the couch with his shoes on and he's like he's snoring he's snoring and she goes it's a gorgeous day you should do something outside and he and he sits up

and goes you're wrong honey it'd be wrong to waste you're right honey they would be wrong to waste all that sunshine cut to him now in the next frame laying in a hammock snoring again meanwhile she's got on a tangerine sweater that i can't believe she can even exhale in this thing. It's so tight. Those are your options? Sleeping on the couch or sleeping in a hammock? Do you have depression? Does Dagwood have a – has he been evaluated for depression or low blood sugar?

You hate him. I just don't understand why who sleeps like that he barely he sleeps at work all week all right here's uh john cage john cage one of the most influential 20th century composers pioneered a body of music that he described as contemporary transition from keyboard transition from keyboard oh my god i looked up the bowie story you know who it was i still don't get the joke it was rosie o'donnell no what a coincidence it was rosie o'donnell and this week i saw a clip she told that story on howard stern oh that's great about about she you know she's of course like the ambassador of broadway right yeah she started to have like broadway shows do you know their numbers on her show and um and then she hosted the tony awards for many years and um she became like you know broadway's biggest cheerleader. And so she dragged Bowie to rent and he hated it.

And he said, kill me? Yeah. I love it. I've told you my friend that, you know, when Bill Price, it was a big birthday present. And his girlfriend kind of selfishly is a big birthday present for Bill. Got him these very hard to get tickets to rent. to get tickets to rent. And at the intermission,

after the first act, he just basically turned around and goes, I know this is the wrong thing to do and you have every right to hate me and all this, but I will be in a bar down the street. I cannot do the second act. Please enjoy it. And I will just listen and apologize when you come find me in that bar well me and mike dugan uh got dragged to see on valentine's day our wives took us to see

and i don't know how this fits into valentine's day uh the sex in the city movie. And I went to the bathroom about 12 minutes in and then stayed in the lobby. And about five minutes after I was sitting there, Dugan came out and we sat in the lobby for the next hour and five minutes till that piece of shit was over. Left our wives inside on Valentine's Day by themselves. It sounds like a win-win.

Yeah. All right, well, listen. denman was on fire today he got us a lot of good information the john cage thing we haven't cracked we don't know why that's a funny comic um but i guess the idea is it's scary music um yeah i'm trusting them i'm trusting them yeah don't forget support our sponsors that's what keeps the show going and helps us pay Chris Denman, who has a voracious appetite. And you can support them by going to buyraycon.com, use the promo code PAPERS15, and get yourself 15% off. We'll see you guys next week.

And, Mike, I'm back on Sunday. Maybe we'll watch some football during the day. Who knows? Oh, you're not back until Monday, right? Go New Orleans. What's that? You're not back until Monday, right? I come back early Monday morning.

All right. Very nice. All right. God bless. Okay. And everyone should, for sure, take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish! There it is.

Sondag Papers, Sondag Papers, Sondag Papers, Sondag Papers. Sondag Papers Podcast. With Fitz Dogg and Michael Gibbons. Sondag Papers, Sondag Papers, Sondag Papers, Sondag Papers.