Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 135 10/16/22

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

Alex Jones is back on the warpath, in LA Italian is the new Mexican and Massachusetts is named the happiest place in the country. If anger and resentment makes you happy.  

Sunday! Paper! Sunday! Paper! Check it, check it, 1, 2, clapping in, and 7, 6, 5. Clap on the video, good luck with that key, 3, 2, 1. 3, 2, 1. Three, two, one. There it is, kind of. Wow, that's the saddest hand job I've ever seen. Read all about it. Headphones are ready.

Read all about it. Extra, extra. Sunday paper is coming in a little late today. Paperboy was a little hungover. He went out with his friends. He's a freshman in high school. It's time. I don't think it's late for the listeners.

Oh, they don't know that. They don't know that. They don't know what hell I just put you through. It's not hell. Look, I've been in hotels and faced the same challenges with internet coverage. So I get it. We're good. You know what's the extra kick in the balls,

and I know I sound 90 because it's the oldest problem, is I then have to track down my old headphones because Apple, all of their laptops still take the old plug, just like the rest of the world makes me crazy you have to bring two sets of headphones when you go on a trip because then when you're on the airline there with the rest of the world that has the one plug whatever it's called three millimeter jack see this this is what i have to bring on the road for all the adaptions of my Apple stuff. Nerd alert. Nerd alert. We're going to have a good podcast regardless.

I have a funny cat story. Also, I'm going to go after Bernie Taupin later, which I can't wait to do it. Wait, what's the funny cat story? What are we? What are we? WTF? Okay. You're going to sit on a stool and tell this story?

No, staying at a friend's. You know cats better than I, but what cats have you had in your life? Never had a cat in my life. I'm allergic to them, and I like to look at them from a distance, but I can't have them near me. I'm allergic to their fucking attitude. So I'm staying with a friend, right? So last night, the cat, I hear something like i'm reading in bed right i hear a cat next to me the side table it is reaching up right i catch it and it looks at

me like this and it has one arm bracing itself on the end table and one arm wrapped around a glass of water that it's pulling towards the edge. Now, because I've done a lot of clip shows, I've seen a lot of cats do that. But I kind of I thought it was extraordinary and not I thought very rare cats could know how to do that. Like a very complicated dog trick. So I'm like, what the fuck? I go, what the fuck? Get the fuck out of here.

And I literally tell it to go and it reluctantly gets down and walks out Cut to middle of the night I hear a crash I wake up I look down And the cat's kind of looking at me and then trots off It had successfully Pulled the glass of water Into my backpack onto my laptop

No shit I'm in panic I have to take the laptop. I run into the kitchen. I'm like shaking water out of it. My backpack is full of water and the cat is there kind of aggressively. So it has this move. It aggressively like, like runs into you with its jaw. You know what I mean? And then the rest of its body basically is petting itself with your calves yeah so it's doing that a lot to me I'm like no no no I'm not letting you back in this emotional relationship I'm like fuck you cat yeah and so so I'm drying my laptop finally I'm walking

back towards the bedroom and it's doing that and it's weaving and doing this aggressive thing and it seems in a good mood i'm like okay i pass the front door towards the bedroom and now it attacks me and grabs that same grip it's grabbing my like like ankles and like and like like fake biting my calves like biting but gently and i'm like what the fuck is your deal and i stop and then it stops and if i take one step towards the bedroom it grabs my and i'm like what the fuck do you want to go out now in nashville it's like 42 degrees last night yeah so i'm like you want to go out and at this point i'm and i'm like i open the front door and it flies out i'm like well good luck fucking cat and now i'm like i hope you fucking front door and it flies out. I'm like, well, good luck, fucking cat. And now I'm like, I hope you fucking die.

Like this is you asked for it. You asked for this and the door's closing. It's like 3 a.m. Like, fuck you. So this morning wake up and it's like, uh, now is it, do you know that this is an indoor outdoor cat ish? I mean, it is mostly indoor. It's fed indoor, the whole thing and everything but

so i'm like how's your cat being outside and they're like uh good i'm like how's it outside all night when it's in the 40s and they're like that you know we don't do that a lot but and so i'm like i don't know if this cat's coming back and I'm not that bummed about it. And so anyway, then, and, and all the, the house, the house is up and running sunlight, no cat, no cat all morning. And I'm like, fuck, I think I killed their cat. And then, uh, all of a sudden the cat comes waltzing and comes right up to me and does that. I'm get the fuck away from me.

Yeah. So now I'm like kind of afraid of this cat. And I don't like, you know, I just want to hide from it and definitely hide my shit. But like, it's, it was a vindictive.

That no cats are, you hear stories where, um, I think my friend, Alison, you know, my friend, Alison Hebel,

she, I can't remember what she did. It might've been when she first brought her first kid home and the cat then pissed on every single pair of her shoes in the closet. They're vindictive motherfuckers. They take things personally. And I guess they're smart enough to do personal shit. I mean, I'm sure all the cat listeners are rolling their eyes. They've heard these stories a million times. That was my first.

Like it came back and got up and spilled the water. And it turns out the whole story is really about a cat who wanted to go out for the whole night. And it got its way. Is it a female cat? No, male. Larry. I wonder if it senses there's a cat in heat nearby, and so it needs to get out. Almost like when you're driving down La Cienega on a Saturday night

and you see those nightclubs and there's girls in short skirts and they're getting out of SUVs, and you suddenly go like, I need to get out into the night. These girls want to breed i'm gonna spill erin's glass of water she's gonna kick me out and then i'm good to go oh my god that's so funny because we used to go to nightclubs when i was growing up you know you and i grew up just outside the city and we would go into the city on the weekends sometimes and we would go to danceteria or the limelight you did that more than i i was up in the sticks at boarding school but yeah i would go i would go to limelight the

one in the church limelight right the church yeah down in chelsea that's where i would go when on break yeah and it's so funny because like we never got laid one time. We got laid me and my friend Frank. We went to Danceteria and we met these two girls that lived that lived in the projects in the Bronx. And we drove them to the projects. It was like the scariest fucking neighborhood in the Bronx. And they invited us in and we went in and uh my friend frank went into one bedroom with one and they had sex and then the girl i was with i think she was like you she didn't like my cocky attitude

and so she kind of shut me down and i realized like oh oh, this was just a ride home. This was just a ride home from for me anyway. Yeah. And oh, no, you had to sit in the projects and wait for your buddy. No, she let me stay inside. Thank God. If she had let me outside, I don't think I would have been there when he got out. Right. Yeah. All right. Well, this is a story about challenging pussy. That's the opening of the show. That's what this has been. Yeah. There you go. Tomorrow, I head to Michigan, going to the big house, as they say, as sports fans say, which I'm not one of them, but meeting my dad there and visiting Sophie and going to the game against Penn State. So we're both visiting our kids in college this weekend. Yeah. Wow. So how are your seats for the game? Didn't you say you couldn't get them at first?

Yeah, I'm watching them all plummet now. Not plummet. They're still above 100 bucks each. And keep in mind, there's one hundred and ten thousand seats. Yeah. But I'm watching them go down on StubHub. I blame Penn State. I guess they have that rabid fan base, obviously a rabid fan base obviously a rabid fan base if they can like that pedophile institution which is penn state football and no allegedly needed to be said in that sentence um so anyway they uh that's what's happening it's penn state biggest stadium in the country was it michigan michigan is the only thing bigger than it like it's you know a lot of people are like wait nebraska or other ones but is i guess the indie indianapolis race speedway yeah but that's encountering the infield and all of that stuff yeah but the biggest biggest like football stadium

or outdoor stadium is michigan 110 000 yeah it. Yeah. It's $100 a ticket. That is... More, more. You can't get anything $100 right now, but I'm waiting for it to drop. And this is not parents weekend. This is not... It's not...

I don't think it's that big of a game. So that's $10 million in ticket sales. That doesn't include beer, hot dogs, jerseys, hats. No beer. No beer. No beer. Really? Yeah.

NCAA, man. Oh, no shit. I'm pretty sure about that. Yeah. I mean, you can't get them at college basketball games. Well, when we used to go to see the BU hockey games, we used to drink our faces off and we were only 18. They sold beer in there or we would pregame. Yeah.

They sold beer in there. It's all about pregaming also because of underage kids. They all pregame like crazy. I mean, it's every, the walk to the game was, I went last year on parents weekend, every,

I mean, every on Greek row or whatever whatever every frat yard is what like they put up like police tape around their lawn the house is overflowing like everyone going quick because all of them can go also you know there's room dude that's why i love that movie old school because how much would you love to just take a year of your life and move into a frat house and just fucking drink and chase pussy for a year i mean come on you would get so much you get so much charity like uh girls like just like oh wait you're the old guy and you know alpha new or whatever the hell the syrup for eternity. Yeah. Like, all right. Right. Yeah. I just played golf with the guy that wrote that movie two days ago.

Oh, wow. Scott Armstrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he also wrote the Hangover Part Two and. Yeah, Hangover Part Two. Bunch of other movies. Was he being sued for rewriting hangover one hey now hey now actually wait hangover no oh yeah yeah three i think was a repeat of hangover one no no no i

missed hangover two that was always my joke i'd give zach shit i'm like hey i'm seeing hangover three i'm like will i be lost if i didn't see hangover 2 and no hangover 2 was exactly the same thing but in thailand hangover 3 became a heist but it was back in vegas right back in vegas but it was a heist yeah yeah with john goodman i think wow yeah jesus zach and john goodman that's a heavyweight lineup it was then for sure we should say we're taping this on thursday because tonight is the uh hearings uh again on january 6th oh really yeah and also maybe news will break because a lot of things are going a little haywire right now. It's so funny. I looked up stories for today and you would, every news site, it was like,

holy London is shitting the bed. Oil, OPEC was suing them at all these dire predictions on a huge recession. Like I'm reading all these stories and I hadn't checked the stock market yet. And I'm like, Oh my God, is it down like 600? And I go and I check, no, up 600. Yeah. It's up. It was down 120 this morning. I just checked it. The Dow is up 948 points. Something just, something just happened in the news because the Dow is up 948 points well they're they're checking this

inflation report whatever it's what the fuck that is crazy sounds like a time is short damn um so yeah so i'm heading to chicago i'm very nervous because we're going to see owen first of all we got fucking reamed on airfares i think think we paid $800 each round trip to Chicago. Because it's like parents weekend. And then we rented an Airbnb for like, it was like 250 bucks a night for like a shitty one bedroom. It's crazy. And so we better have a good time.

But I'm doing a theater while we're there and so I'm kind of nervous because I really want to sell it out because Owen's coming with his roommates and it'd be kind of sad if he shows up and it's half empty. It's like, so dad, when you work, only half the employees show up?

No, it's not always like this. It's COVID. They weren't allowed. It's sold out actually. Yeah, it's not always like this. It's COVID. They weren't allowed. It sold out, actually. Yeah, it's 50% capacity. It's back to this day. You know, it's spiking again. And then also, like, he's seen me before,

and I don't want him to see me doing the same material again, so I've been, like, you know, putting together all my new material so I can do an hour that doesn't repeat anything he's seen before. Oh, that's so cute. Why am I so nervous? I've never been this nervous. That's the most appropriate nervousness I've ever heard. Are you kidding me? It's wanting to impress a family member. I just want him to be proud of me. It's been, you know, it's been a rough career for somebody to have a father who's in this business and you you just see them go off you don't know what happens when they go on the road so I want him to see that when I go on the

road it's good and not sad because they're slapping waitresses asses and all that yeah let them see it all son get over here and sell these pins they're not going to sell themselves also come by the hotel room you should really see me cry all day i get up really early i do radio on the road it's uh super depressing and then i cry all day and maybe i walk out for lunch i've got to do uh chicago local tv on friday morning and uh so my agent sent me like a list of questions they're gonna ask me they wanted to prep me with the questions. Yeah.

There were five questions. Four of them were about the Ellen DeGeneres show. Oh, wonderful. So this will be clip worthy. Yeah, that would be pretty good. Yeah, maybe. I wonder what new kind of angle you can take on that. Maybe I wonder what new kind of angle you can take on that.

I think the angle is going to be to pivot and do my jokes about the queen being dead. The queen is not Ellen. It's just so sad, like how long it takes to really work out new bits. And like I had all this all this material about when the Queen died and I finally got it really good and then I did it last night at the comedy store and people just looked at me like why are you still doing jokes about the Queen dying that was like weeks ago because I finally

got it good yeah exactly we want to thank Melody Myers speaking of good she makes dare I say the best logo. No, we have a lot of people that make great logos, but she is up there. I mean, this one is fucking great. It's a, it's a little outdated cause it's from the hurricane, but I didn't go through my emails last week, so I didn't see it. So I wanted to post it. Um, thank you, Melody.

It's not that out. I mean, we did the story after the hurricane about the woman, the wife, tying her husband up to the bed. Yeah. Duct taping him to his hospital bed because he was paralyzed. Yeah. So great.

Yeah. And then the song, I'm not sure who did it, but again, we're deep into the folder and we're finding some B-sides. Yeah. We're finding some weird, crazy shit. There was a comment on YouTube last week that they thought you found your song, you know, of that very lo-fi song last week.

Wow. Yeah. So all songs are good, in my opinion. Let's do some corrections. Yes. Oh, in my opinion. Let's do some corrections. Yes. Paper. Yeah. A gentleman with the handle Satanic Odyssey, which makes you immediately think that's that guy's got an interesting life. Something's something's interesting about Satanic Odyssey's life.

Yeah. And that it's an odyssey. It's not just purely satanic. Like I got it figured out. No, man, this is a journey. This is an exploration of the dark side. Yeah. He said Christian Bale played Chaney, not Daniel Day-Lewis. Yes. That's how good Christian Bale was. I thought he was Daniel Day-Lewis playing Chaney. Right. But no, when you said talk about guys disappearing in their roles, my mind immediately went to Christian Bale. And I didn't even hear you say Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah. But no, both of those guys, like the way Daniel Day-Lewis became Lincoln.

Yeah. Both those guys are really, they disappear in their roles. Yeah. But yeah, I totally messed that one up. Amanda Krokus says, the name of the Simpsons bartender is Moe Sislak, not Red. This is the most and only time I've ever been offended

and have zero to do with the news, with the show, with the show's characters and writing. Yeah, we're talking about the prank calls. A lot of people correct us on the prank calls. They were not, it was not the Jerky Boys, but Red was part of a whole other series of prank calls. I think we already corrected this one.

We did. We did. And it was Red was the bartender, I think, in that New Jersey bar. I'm guessing no need to correct us. I think it was a New Jersey bar, but no need to correct us. Tour dates coming up. San Francisco punch line, November 3rd through the 5th. Tampa side splitters, November 17th to the 19th. Also dates coming up in Oklahoma City and Dallas, Texas. Go to Fitz dog dot com for all your ticketing needs. New material, folks.

All new material. Queen is dead. So are the jokes. Jesus. I like it. You know what I'll do is I'll just do jokes from Sunday Papers in Chicago. All right, yeah. Get ready, Chicago.

He's going to go after Bernie Taupin. You know who else I'm going after is headphones that suck. Be done with them. It's time to get some wireless earbuds that you can wear anytime. They look good. They look good. They sound good. They're optimized. The gel tips fit in your ears perfectly.

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Buyraycon.com, code PAPERS15. And that's PAPERS15. you want to talk about a factor you remember we both got the factor delivered to our homes i loved it yeah delicious easy also you know what i realize is i need someone to make me eat vegetables just like when i was a kid and i'm not going to do it on my own. And these things come, it's a whole meal. It's amazing. And you can ask for vegan, you can ask for veggies and they'll, they have like 30, over 30 meal choices per week. Ready to eat meal delivery. You switched it 30 plus meal choices. And then what is it? 36 plus add-ons.

Yeah. I just got the most delicious meal sent you know they sent this packet it was the sample packet it was amazing um it's great for lunch I could go to my office I got a mini fridge in my office and I just put it right in there it takes like two minutes to heat up which because you don't freeze it you You just refrigerate it. It's literally two minutes. It's all made. It's almost like the unbelievable update of like the TV dinner. Like you got your vegetables at your side. There's a dessert in there and it's amazing. It's two minutes in the microwave. You're just reheating it and it's great. And they're fresh. And I don't know, it was like almost too easy. was fantastic fall options

include three bean vegan chili apple mustard pork chop tuscan tomato chicken um it's literally cheaper than takeout and it is cheaper than takeout yeah i think you can change your order you can actually feel good about what you're eating. It's flexible. Change up your order every week with plans from four to 18 meals a week, 18 meals a week. Slow down. They have keto, they have calorie smart, vegan and veggie and protein plus, and they're all chef crafted. So head six zero. And don't forget the code paper 60 to get 60% off your first box. Again, that's code paper six zero at go dot factor dot, sorry, go dot factor seven five.com slash paper six zero 60% off. What do you got to lose? Try it. Eat delicious meals. It's real

good. You'll thank us later. All right. Let's get to that front page, Mike. Oh, you got it. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Extra! All right. You ready? I didn't hear the paper. You did. Did the paper crinkle?

I did it, but it's it's a little the paper is a little old. I got a printer manual. I got a printer manual. All right. France. Well, just this is one of the bad news stories I read this morning about how the nuclear war threats are being taken so seriously now from Russia that France had to speak up. Here's what France said. France will not trade nuclear strikes with Russia Russia over Ukraine. President. Sorry, let me do this again. France will not trade nuclear strikes with Russia over Ukraine. President Emmanuel Macron said, our doctrine rests on the fundamental interests of the nation. They are defined clearly and wouldn't be directly affected at all. If for example, there was a ballistic nuclear attack in Ukraine or the region, I think he might be underestimating the effect of this, but that story should have been written this way this just in 80 years ago france won't do anything if there is a world power aggressor

in the region in fact france won't do much even as they march down the champs-elysees that's france's opinion that's their position bonjour here areachans, here are our Jews. We have lined them up for you to make it easy. Here are our wives, here are our daughters for the taking. Would you like fromage with my wife? And now who will save us? Who will save us and our great culture? I gotta say, we've bailed out the french several times but

we would not exist if it wasn't for the french you know they stepped in during the revolutionary war when they when when the chips were down they fucking bailed us out they hated the british they hated the british yeah um so i don't know man i mean i know some people are going to side with them i know some people are not sympathetic but they're seeing two sides to this issue unlike the american media seems to see one side to this issue um you know very anti-russia but uh i don't know uh but for him to underestimate the effect in the region seems a little weird. Well, France has gotten very they've shifted very right wing. And, you know, a lot of these right wing totalitarian countries are siding with Putin quietly.

Yeah, no, I know. I don't know if Macron's doing that, but. No, Macron's not. But I'm saying the population of France. Yeah. Oh, my God. No, totally to the right. Yeah. All right. Sticking to the right. Alex Jones get this. So he lost the verdict and was awarded, uh, the victims of the families of the, of the, of the school shooting and everything were awarded $1 billion. And then the headline came out after that he wasn't at the trial. Alex Jones mocks grieving Sandy Hook families as he live streams the $1 billion verdict. Quote, do these people really think they're getting any of this money? So he was not in the courtroom as the judgment was read against him in the

defamation case, 50 million eight. And then, so he starts going like this, like Oprah, 50 million, 80 million, blah, blah. You get a million, you get a hundred million, you get 50 million. He shouted as anguished family members cried on screen, even as the settlements were awarded to them. Quote, ain't going to be happening. Ain't no money, he later said, claiming he was in bankruptcy. Then he appealed to his audience to send him donations that he promised. Quote, the money you donate does not go to these people, the victims. It goes to fight.

Oh, he didn't say victims. It will not go to these people. It goes to fight this fraud and to stabilize the company. Wow. He urged them to go to his website and buy merchandise promising, quote, double Patriot points. As on the courtroom, as the courtroom feed showed a father who was sitting there with his shattered face on a shattered look on his face. Anyway, wait till Jones attorney. Wait till his till his attorneys is what I can't wait for. Explain to him that punitive damages are not covered under bankruptcy and that this will

be prioritized over all creditors. And the goal is to prevent him from broadcasting. That's the goal of this large amount. Right. Yeah. Try the new Patriot protein powder. You try to dissolve it in bankruptcy filing, and then the court is able to strain the powder back out of the water and ship it to Connecticut. Act now, you'll get double Patriot points for denying a massive school shooting ever took place.

Triple Patriot points if you harass the parents of the dead kids. Fuck these people. Fuck these. In what reality do you say fuck these people? It's crazy. Well, in what reality do you say it never happened? Yeah. And then his followers and a Marjorie Taylor Greene is like, look at her with her.

Look at this mom with her crocodile tears crying over a son that what never existed or still exists. Like, yeah, I don't even know. I don't even know what the what the lie is. I think he said that they paid actors, the Democrats paid actors to show up in Connecticut and pretend that they'd lost family members as a way of working against gun control. Working for gun control. All right. Let's go to an insane person. All right. Here we go. Los Angeles mayoral candidate Rick Caruso raised eyebrows Tuesday when he corrected a debate moderator who called him a white man. Quote, I'm Italian. The billionaire developer retorted to Chuckles, that's Latin. Thank you. Caruso added that he felt connected to the Latino community, but quite frankly, my job is to connect with every community.

Latino community. But quite frankly, my job is to connect with every community. He's a Democrat who was seeming to suggest a link between his heritage and much of the city's population. Italy has a Latin language heritage, but the term Latino generally refers to Americans with Latin American roots, not European. Yeah. Well, you know know his favorite movie is the famous movie about latinos in new york you know the godfather hey the latino movie yeah right hey let's go let's go see the godfather and greg you know your sad chat but your dad died in that mexican joint rayos rayos if in harlem right rayos mexican restaurant's right. They have all those amazing salsas that they sell for pasta. Hey, what do you want to eat? You know, I'm in the mood for some Latino food, you know, like an eggplant palm or some

cannolis. Hey. I'm brushing up on my Latin for my trip to Rome in the spring. brushing up for my i'm brushing up on my latin for my trip to rome in the spring if he loses you know maybe he'll run for mayor of compton as a black man because his grandma was sicilian maybe he'll pull that one out don't say that yeah what was that uh what was that one with christopher walken when he said that to the uh one with christopher walken when he said that to the uh yeah tarantino wrote that movie yeah something i know i'm forgetting it was a good movie i remember i saw in the theater somebody true romance true romance i think yeah i think it might have been true romance but italians are

just like mexicans they love their mothers they put a lot of cheese on their food. And they work construction jobs. The difference is the Mexicans show up to their jobs. Oh, boy. Oh. See that? Yeah. I did see that. By the way, he then said, after he claimed he was Latino, he goes,

if one group rises, because he's talked then, like you mentioned, he then goes, but I have to appeal to every group. He goes, because if one group rises, we all rise. A Latino in Los Angeles would never say that. The only race maybe in the history of the world who would say it would have the like audacity to say that is the whitest of the white men. Yes. Right. We'll all rise. Just trust. You got to trust it. You got to trust it.

If I rise, I'm bringing all you with me. Well, Italians are like Mexicans also because Mexicans are the object of racism in this country and Italians are racist. So they've got that connection. Have you heard Italian New Yorkers talk about the Puerto Rican Day Parade? You might question their ties to being Latino or Latin in any way. And you'd think there'd be some empathy.

Like I researched like what what kind of reception Italians got when they first came to this country. And and I just pulled up this little paragraph. As immigration from Europe and Asia neared its crest in the late 19th century, anti-immigrant sentiment soared along with it. The U.S. was in the groups of an economic depression, and immigrants were blamed for taking American jobs. Does this sound familiar? At the same time, racialist theories circulated in the press.

Advancing pseudoscientific theories alleged that, quote, Mediterranean types were inherently inferior to people of Northern European heritage. Drawings and songs caricaturing the new immigrants as childlike, criminal, or subhuman became commonplace. one 1891 cartoon claimed that if immigration was properly restricted you would never be troubled with anarchism socialism the mafia and such kindred evils so you'd think they'd kind of like the kkk used to go after the italians that was their first targets blacks and italians so maybe he's right maybe he is maybe this billionaire is really marginalized and he feels hurt. Yeah. All right, let's get to... I think we're still in the lead stories.

A tree trimmer on Tuesday. I think you can always smell something horrible is about to happen. He died after getting caught in a wood chipper in Menlo Park. The Menlo Park Police Department said it responded to a report of a man who had fallen into the industrial equipment. The incident is under investigation. I'd hope so. This sounds like a case for murder, she wrote, which now sadly remains it's going to be an unsolved murder. They said the body will be cremated,

which should be pretty easy since it's stuck to wood chips. Yeah. It's going to light right up. Yeah. Exactly. Dude, Dahmer would have loved this story. He's like, oh, you already ground it? Awesome.

I'll be right over. Yeah. Little apps, a little app party. Some apps and some tacos. Yeah. Imagine if the family needed, no, no, no, it has to be an open casket. That's a lot of work. That's a lot of work.

See you in a couple of months. Yeah, that would be like trying to put together like a piece of paper that you just put through the paper shredder man what a way to go oh it reminds me of uh fargo remember fargo of course yeah and i think you're kind of aware of it also like i don't know i guess there's really big industrial chippers where it would happen fast. Yeah. But the ones you buy, you know, like Fargo. Remember in Fargo, you even saw them struggling, like jamming that leg in there, you know.

And you have to cut it up. Obviously, it's a huge, I don't know, whatever. Human bones are really hard. They better investigate this. Yeah. Although my mom just broke a bone in her foot last night. She was just walking down the hallway in her slippers, and her slippers, like, slipped off because it's about 30 years old.

Was it a cat? Was it a fucking cat? It wasn't a cat, no. No. But she broke her little pinky toe. Oh. In her right foot so she can't drive. Really?

Sophie did that. We were in Canada, and I'm like, well, this is a good place. They have amazing healthcare. Went, they looked at it, they taped it like to her other toe and whatever you do with a broken toe, she stubbed it also. And, uh, and then I learned, uh, Canada has great health insurance for Canadians. Oh, no shit. Oh, we got charged out the ass. Yeah. No kidding. Not good. Wow. Because when I was in Ireland when I was 18, I grew up with asthma and I had a severe attack,

which a lot of people do when they go to Ireland for the first time because it's so dank and moldy. Or a lot of American Irish cry like little babies and blame it on their allergies. And that's why there's so many allergy attacks, in quotes. And so they took me to the hospital. I spent a week in the hospital on a respirator for three of the days, intravenous. I can't believe that. Every time you say it, I can't believe it. At the end of the week, I left, and they handed me a bill for like $1.50.

I remember paying it with the cash I had in my fanny pack. And then they gave me a bunch of drugs to go there. I hear it. Here you go. Take these with you, lad. Oh my God. Yeah.

All right. This is your story here. Uh, some people were skeptical. Others agreed with the findings of a recent report by market research firm, top data that Massachusetts is the happiest state in the country. The report looks at seven key factors, including employment, leisure activities, mental health, personal finance, personal relationships, physical health, and social policies.

Racism. The people are diverse. The activities are diverse. Beaches, mountains, cities, museums. What's not to like, Gustavo Pena of Boston said. the people are diverse the activities are diverse beaches mountains cities museums what's not to like gustavo pena of boston said what's not to like just the unfriendliest people in the country who did they pull five-year-old white kids in weston yeah and by the way some of the happiest and good-natured and good-hum humored people I know are Massachusetts people who don't live in Massachusetts anymore. Like there's so many in Los Angeles. Dude, did you hear where the fucking happiest people?

Yeah. No, I fucking read it. Dude, I read it in the fucking Herald. What do you fuck you? Are you going to tell me I'm happy? I mean, look, it's April. Hey, Pally. Here's Massachusetts.

It's April. It's still snowing out. Your kids are all hooked on Percocet. Brady left the Pats. Traffic getting over the Tobin Bridge is backed up for six miles. A two-bedroom apartment is six grand. You're Irish and bars close at 1 a.m. Yeah, that sounds pretty happy.

They're miserable. I couldn't believe how unfriendly they were when I lived there for those four years. The meanest people in the country. And don't get me wrong. I fucking love Boston. And you and I both went to school there. I lived there for three years later.

There was something about it I responded to. I liked the sarcasm. But not nice. It's not nice. And it's not happy. No, it was a cynical sarcasm. That's what you related to. I relate to it also.

But they are, I mean, so one thing that happened was I remember in 94, I was a diehard New York Rangers fan, right? And they hadn't won. They were the Red Sox of hockey. I mean, in 1940 when they won, I think there were six teams or something. So anyway, they finally won in 94. And it changed my identity because we were lovable losers. Like everyone would make fun of us in the league, but we had rabid fan base.

I mean, it was crazy, especially the blue seats up high in Madison Square Garden where they'd pass around songs. We'd sing songs anyway, but it did change my identity. Like, and I have to say, I have not been as into the Rangers like since, cause there was that quality I loved about them. And when the, when the Red Sox won, I'm like, I wonder if that will happen to Red Sox fans, even though they weren't lovable. Those were the Cub won. I'm like, I wonder if that will happen to Red Sox fans. Even though they weren't lovable. Those were the Cub fans. I was wondering.

And it was the opposite. They became bloodthirsty. It was like a switch was thrown. Like a bully. Like a kid who all of a sudden. Oh my God, I can fight back. I can punch faces and hurt. All of a sudden it was like, I'm going on a tear. And they're just dicks yeah

they had tasted human flesh i the sweetest moment of my life and probably yours was 1986 being in boston when the mets beat the the red socks in the world series it was oh so sweet all the champagne was open i mean i went to i went out in kenmore square and then all of a sudden they were playing it on the big screen and then all these TVs. And when it went through, there was such disbelief. So it took a few minutes like there was such. And then you're like you truly were like, we should get out of here. And boy, were we right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were not wearing you were not wearing Mets hats in Kenmore Square. My dad came up for game four. He took me and one of my friends to a game. I think I might've just told this story, but some guy, not a comedian, but some guy shared a story. It was in a newspaper. I read it. And anyway, if I told that, I apologize, but it's really fast. He goes, his memory was he was a really, really young kid, like four or five or something. And his great, his grandfather, his father, the whole family was over. And when that inning came and they were going to win and there was two strikes, two outs,

they woke him up. So he goes, but you have to understand it from my perspective, my grandfather and father wake me up. They take me into the room and there's generations of my family in there. And all of them start screaming and kicking furniture and then crying. I'm like, why did you wake me up for this? Yeah. A Georgia inmate allegedly stole $11 million from a billionaire movie mogul

and used the cash to buy a mansion in Atlanta, all while locked up in a maximum security prison. Arthur Lee Cofield Jr., 31, allegedly impersonated Sidney Kimmel, an uber-wealthy chairman and CEO of an L.A. entertainment company, with the help of contraband cell phones from inside the Georgia Department of Correction Special Management's unit. He was serving time for armed robbery. of Corrections Special Management's unit. He was serving time for armed robbery.

He stole the identity of Kimmel, 94, and then swiped millions of dollars from his Charles Schwab account. That's fucking Charles Schwab. A billionaire with Charles Schwab. They're like the McDonald's of investment companies. Why is a billionaire with Charles Schwab? That's like Warren Buffett going to McDonald's every morning before work.

Right. In his Ford Fiesta. Over the phone, the gang member allegedly allegedly tricked customer service reps with the financial service company to wire the money to a company in Idaho to buy up more than six thousand American Eagle one ounce gold coins. Gee, no red flags there. From there, he got a private plane to bring the coins to Atlanta, buying a $4 million house in Buckhead. Well, I think what first tipped them off was there was a black guy living in Buckhead. How about Charles Schwab, the customer service representatives? When the call begins with, you have an incoming call from the Georgia department of corrections. Like that's not a giveaway. Yeah.

Yeah. When the guy is saying, and I'd like to transfer the money to, uh, these, these gold coins in Idaho. And there's a guy in the back going, motherfucker,

get off the motherfucking phone. Uh, well, I guess one more, one more minute, one more minute on this call i guess no hands he really sold himself as a genuine hollywood producer on the phone because he uh he asked if she wanted to see his cock so she was like all right this guy's the real deal

by the way i can already tell you this guy is a better movie producer than the guy he ripped off the billionaire. Yeah. Because this is the most industrious wheeler and dealer. If he did this from prison. Yeah. That's incredible. Like, so, uh, there's a guy, you know, I'm not going to name names, but he's a producer and a successful producer, TV producer. And I worked with him on a show and, uh, the line producer I knew very well. And I had worked with them a lot. And I would always tell line producers,

like, listen, you got to calm down. I'm not going to go over budget, but you got to let me move money around and trust me, I'm going to, I'm going to move money around, but I will not go over budget and get you in trouble with the network. This guy, it was like how to be reprimanded for like, you know, he kept trying to pay for like vodka and drinks and all, but everything was over budget. Also, he would approach musicians and be like, listen, if you could do this free, do our jingle, do our show open, like, you know, sort of song for free. Um, when we get picked up, man, I'm going to pay you. It was nothing but ripping people off and just a wake of destruction and i remember

calling him the worst producer i ever worked with till i finally was like i think he might be the best producer ever like and i'm the problem i'm the problem like if you want to get the best show on the air like no one gives a shit about who you ripped off it's like that's trump's approach to business like i want the greatest clubhouse out in montauk out in shinnecock wherever it is and i don't care if i have to completely rip off the architect which he did like to get it because that's the only way i'm gonna get it because i'm way over budget right right right and then i'll just let the chips fall where they may they can try to sue me, anyway, this guy's a wheeler and dealer, man. And he's only 31 and he's already done. He's already ripped off. Like I, I went down the rabbit hole. I kept reading about this guy online. He's ripped off tons. He's only 31. He's

been ripping people off for years. Wow. You just think about a guy like that. If you gave him a real job at a real corporation, how fucking successful he would be with that kind of mind. Yeah. Now, you see movies like that, like it's scammers. Oh, well, better call Saul. Like, he sits at his law desk for a little bit. He's like, I can make a lot more money than this. Like, let me take some matters in my own hands.

I have a couple of shortcuts. Okay. Time for some good news for gubbins. All righty. Do you want to start? Well, I got a text from Dennis this week and it was related. I think it was reference. It was definitely referencing our last podcast. And he goes, cause last podcast, you talked about him doing 10 minutes in San Francisco and he wanted more time. Do you want to elaborate on that? What was, well, basically,

so Dennis is from San Francisco, but he's not like a San Francisco comic, but he wants to, he wants to do stand up up there. I'm going to be headlining, uh, the punchline in November. So he says he wants to do a guest spot on the show,

which that show is run really tight. Molly Schmank, who runs the club, is amazing, and she really cares about curating a good show. And Legendary Club. Yeah, who should open for who and how long the show should be. So it's kind of a thing to put somebody on the show. But I say, I can get you on, but it'll be 10 minutes. kind of a thing to like put somebody on the show but i say i can get you on but it'll be 10 minutes and then he's like uh he's like well i i can i can get a lot of people to show up and i'm like

yeah but you can't really do more than 10 minutes it's just how they do it and so he goes all right then forget it it's so i'm like all right i don't i don't really care and then he's like and then he calls me and then he texts me back all right i'll I'll do it. Uh, but then he would only do the Saturday early show, which is first of all, I don't need anybody Saturday early show sells out first. That's, that's the easy one. And what he's going to do is he's going to have a bunch of people he wants on the guest list. So not only will I not be selling those tickets cause there'll be in this so i will make less money by dennis doing the eight o'clock show on saturday right so he texts me oh and 10 minutes isn't enough for me at all in sf bra but i'm doing it come on up dude you should come up why don't you come up we'll do

a sunday papers from the club all right when are you there i don't listen to when you're plugged third fourth fifth i think uh i think i'm getting my hip yanked out november 3rd oh jesus we'll see that's a good excuse sorry dennis i can't see your 10 minutes yeah um but i'm looking forward to dennis is actually very funny and he'll be great he's hysterical and he's great on stage. Yeah, he is. Let's get to entertainment. You got it. I think everyone saw the news this week.

Trevor Noah set state for the Daily Show, his Daily Show exit. The Daily Show host will end his time in the hot seat on Thursday, December 8th. This means that Noah will be in Atlanta with his gang to cover the midterm elections before he goes. The Daily Show will return on Tuesday, January 17th with, quote, additional details forthcoming. So whether Viacom will have found a permanent new host by then is unclear or whether one of its its trusted correspondents will fill it. I know Roy Wood Jr. I know Chris Denman was plugging him and he seems like he could do it for sure. But, you know, this is a whole shift this uh the new york times did a story that late night might be over forever so the story talked about uh trevor noah leaving okay which you know i don't really think of trevor noah in late night but obviously it is but i always think of the networks but anyway trevor noah leaving james corden leaving leaving, Samantha Bee was already fired.

They are thinking of moving Seth Meyers to Paramount Plus. Really? And then the networks might be giving back their 10 o'clock hour for national news. It's not making money. So even Fallon might go earlier, like at 1030 or 10. But late night as we know it, and who knows how long it'll be on is gone yeah and i don't know about cbs's plans for colbert i know there are rumors that cbs is

going to replace cordon with a much more inexpensive show that is not a talk show so i could see a panel show going there, something where you've got some comedians that are political, talking about the news or pop culture. That's not an expensive show because you don't have to pay a lot of writers. They just show up and bang it out.

Also, the networks like to bring faces through. They like to expose people that are maybe in their kitchen that they want to work with. And so these panel shows are really great for them. Yeah. You know, like what, what's his name is doing, uh, uh, on Fox news, Greg Gutfeld, Greg Gutfeld, something like that. Yeah. He's beating a lot of them also, but that, that's also another story about, you know, the politicization of shows, because certainly Colbert politicized his show. Oh, they're all politicized except for Fallon. I think he's the only one that doesn't do a lot of politics.

Right. Especially after, you know, playing around with Trump and his hair and Trump trying to make Trump likable. around with Trump and his hair and yeah Trump tried to make Trump likable the other people considered for the job uh Ronnie Chang Michael Costa he's a really good stand-up I like Michael Costa yeah uh Dulce Sloan she's been on my podcast she's she's really good yep um and let's not let's not leave uh Kilborn off that list bring it back full circle. Kilby could come back. That would be great. Five questions makes its return. Did I ever tell you the story about me and Ross Broccoli on The Daily Show? No. So when The Daily Show was first getting put together,

I was in New York, and me and Ross Broccoli pitched a segment for The Daily Show, and it was the movie review segment. And the idea was we were two slackers living in New York, and we realized that if you left a movie theater in less than 20 minutes, they give you your money back. But it has to be less than 20 minutes. So it's us reviewing the first 19 minutes of every movie. So we pitch it to The Daily Show and they buy it. And so we're going to be on The Daily Show.

We're in the original version of it with Kill Bill. And so we go out and we start shooting what the opening sequence is going to be. And so we're in Times Square and they've got like a camera way down the street. And it's a long shot. And we've got microphones on camera way down the street and it's a it's a long shot and we've got uh we've got microphones on and we're walking and uh we just we're just fucking around we're not supposed to have the audio on at that point but they captured us what do you call that when you capture somebody with a hot mic and we got hot mic and we're fucking around we're trying to make the sound

guy laugh and so we're going like can you believe this daily show on kind of thing's gonna fucking tank i go it's never gonna last what are we doing with our career and he's laughing and then the producers of the show are in the edit bay and they hear us saying that and we get fired before we ever fucking got on the air and so they walked out on your first 19 minutes so our manager dave be Becky, calls calls us up and he goes, all right, guys, they're pissed. What happened? And we told them what happened. And he goes, look, I guarantee if you just call them and explain what happened, then they'll let you on the show. It's just a misunderstanding. And Ross goes, no, no, I'm not doing that. This show is not going anywhere.

No, no, I'm not doing that. This show's not going anywhere. Perfect. Also, what would that explanation be? Well, we don't think the show's going anywhere, and we should not have said that out loud. Sorry. Yeah. Let's get to this soap opera star.

I think we should skip these two. Okay, sounds good um days of our lives actor james lastovic and his roommate have gone missing in hawaii according to his mother he's pleading for help james mom lucienne says her son and and nevin dizdari were vacationing at a resort in kawaii on sunday they told someone on the staff at the Hanalei Bay Resort they were headed for the Koki State Park, where they were going to take a long trail hike. They also asked for directions to Shipwreck Beach, specifically around the cliff diving area.

According to Lucienne, they never returned to the resort Sunday night, and they haven't been seen since. They left all their belongings in the room, which are now in the possession of police. What? It also turns out that Lastovic has a twin brother who showed up pretending to be him,

but when he got cancer, Lastovic's fiancé fell in love with him. But then things got juicy when Lastovic returned from the dead and took over the twins real estate empire. The fiance then got amnesia, which was pretty handy because she had just found out that Lastovix is actually her brother. Dun dun. Fade to commercial break.

This is insane. Is this the new white Lotus? It sounds like it sounds like that's what exactly what it sounds like. Yeah. Um, I don't, uh, I don't know this guy, but, uh, Sunday papers wishes him well after. So you're a star on days of our lives and you have a roommate. Okay. Uh, yes.

Interesting. Yeah. All right. lives and you have a roommate okay uh yes interesting yeah all right anyway good i mean it's not i'd say it's not looking good no it's not looking good he took a long hike i mean in soap operas though they always come back from the dead. That's like the biggest trope of soap operas. Here's the one encouraging thing. It's not in Mexico. It's in Hawaii. I just read a story. I was going to put it in, but it's too gruesome. This guy was going to the airport with his fiancee, and then he told his, they got to the airport early.

He's like, I'm going to take a cab and go get like whatever he had to get, whatever they, you know, uh gifts or something took a cab cab didn't uh they didn't have anything at the place and then the cab driver goes i know a place that will have it and then all of a sudden he took the cab driver took him so he walked in the next thing he know he's waking up in a ditch and they're hacking his foot off and what they were trying to do is they were trying to cut his Achilles tendon so he couldn't walk or go anywhere, but they just chopped off the bottom of his foot instead. And they chopped it a bunch of times. Anyway, it was this horrific story

and couldn't really find the jokes for it, but, uh, they left him for dead in a ditch. And then he eventually found people that helped them. But yeah, that's one of the Mexican cab ride stories. Not as bad as yours. There was always those stories. I didn't know if they were urban legends, but I don't think they are, where they would drug you in a bar and then you'd wake up in a hotel room

and your liver was gone or they would take one of your organs. I think they do harvest organs and a lot of that I think was in Asia, but no, but the big one, I I've keep it brief, but I told you when I was there, like, don't only, only get a cab from your hotels in Mexico city, only get a cab from the hotel guys. I'm like, Oh yeah, great. So you guys get five bucks. And I'm like, I'm from New York. I got it. And anyway, then I met my friends who live in Mexico city by my good friend and his brother.

And I jump out of a cab and they're like, uh, I'm like, Oh man, I just came from the park. They're like, how'd you get here? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, well, where did you get the cab? I'm like, I just held it, man. They're like, Oh, don't do it. I'm like, you guys, they both live there. And they're like, Oh no, it's, it's actually rather surprising. You didn't get kidnapped. I'm like, what? They're like, they're like, kidnaps a strong word, but all the cab drivers are paid by criminals.

The cab will just take you to a place. And then they the whole goal is to empty your bank account through your ATM and they will hold you until they get a lot of money. And that's the best case scenario. We were in Mexico a couple of years ago and we were I forget where we were. years ago and we were i forget where we were i think we were uh puerto vallarta like north of puerto vallarta it was a surf spot that jojo really wanted to go to and so we got the hotel and we found this guy who does surf tours and we found him online and we went back and forth with him and the deal was he was going to pick us up drive us the 45 minutes up the coast yeah you have the boards have the lunch take us out and so so we go to the front of the hotel and he pulls up in his pickup truck and we all jump in and as we get in he's like there's cab drivers yelling at him and it turns out like nobody's allowed to pick you up at the hotel. You have to take a taxi.

It's like a fucking cartel. And so as we took off, like, five taxi cabs followed us, pulled around us, pulled us off the side of the road. The guy tried to escape, slammed into another car. We're just sitting there going, like, we just want to go surfing. What the fuck is going on here? Yeah. other car we're just sitting there going like we just want to go surfing what the fuck is going on here yeah and they like grabbed his board and smashed it and you know the cops came and the cops took the taxi driver's side that's incredible yeah and he had to give the taxi driver money for the damage to his car that he did when he tried to pull out and he hit the guy's car

well i mean i know we've both told these stories for any listeners who are frustrated but to his car that he did when he tried to pull out and he hit the guy's car. Well, I mean, I know we've both told these stories for any listeners who are frustrated, but it's for the new listeners. People got to get to know us, get to know our international adventures. Well, I just did Bert Kreischer's podcast, not Bert Kreischer. Well, it's Bert. Yeah, you took Bert's spot. But I sat in for Bert because he was he's busy. Yeah, you took Bert's spot. But I sat in for Bert because he's busy. And I told a story about almost blowing a guy in the woods. And I got so many emails from people like, yeah, thanks for telling the story again.

We hadn't heard it before. Yeah, I was like, all right, I guess I got to retire that one. Or just change it. Change it to like anal. You got to update the story. Yeah. I got to go further and further every time. Keep them guessing. All right.

What are we at? Make America Florida? Let's do it. Okay. This story killed me. Florida man. All right. Here it is.

True story. Florida man travels through hurricane ian damage to get to nashville concert uh steve hilfiger said that when he saw flights were canceled he and his 19 year old son knew instantly they were going to drive instead none of this was going to stop him from going to nashville tennessee though to see the elton john concert sunday night elton john is hilfiger's favorite artist but this was not just any trip him from going to Nashville, Tennessee, though, to see the Elton John concert Sunday night. Elton John is Hilfiger's favorite artist, but this was not just any trip to see an amazing live performance. He was planning to meet up with the sister of the man who gave him his new heart. More than two years ago, Steve, who was in his fifties, had to get a heart transplant. At that same time, 31-year-old Daniel was brain dead and on life

support. French passed, Daniel, sorry, Daniel passed and he was an organ donor and he saved Hilfiger's life. Hilfiger met Daniel's sister, Vanessa, soon after the transplant of her brother's heart. Hilfiger asked her to go with him to see his favorite artist Elton John in Charlotte, Atlanta, Nashville, and last in LA. She agreed. At every concert, it became a tradition for Vanessa to listen to her brother's heart while Steve sings and dances to Somebody Saved My Life Tonight. Okay. Where do I fucking start please let him die of a heart attack while she has her head pressed against his chest what complete fucking morons okay first all right

someone saved my life tonight that's the one you sing eldon john has a song called Daniel and that's not the one you sing to. Okay. A side note on Daniel, by the way, of course, cause fucking Bernie Taupin, Daniel. And I, I like research this. Oh man, come on up. Where is it? Hold on here. That's not working. Okay. Daniel, listen to this. Hold on here. That's not working. Okay. Daniel, listen to this. Uh, Daniel has been the most misinterpreted song that we'd ever written. Explain Taupin. Um, the story was get this, you know, the song, Daniel, my life flying off in a plane, Spain, all about going to Spain. The story was about a guy that went back to a small town in Texas, returning from the Vietnam war. They lauded him when he came home and treated him like a hero, but he just wanted to go

home back to the farm and try to get back to the life he led before. I wanted to write something that was, uh, he's completely literally retarded. You, you wonder why it's the most, I see Daniel flying off in a plane to Spain. I love Spain, whatever the fucking stupid juvenile lyrics are. Okay. So anyway, there's that. Um, but, uh, instead they sing someone saved my life tonight, which of course is drivel. Someone saved my life tonight. You ready? Here's some of the lyrics. And someone saved my life tonight.

Sugar bear, sugar bear. And then it's, you almost had your hooks in me. Anyway, you're a butterfly and butterflies are free to fly. Fly away, high away, bye bye, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That anyone is singing along to an Elton John song. I get, I get the melody. I get all of that. So get this. You want to know what someone saved my life is about. It's about when, uh, Elton John, gay Elton John broke up with his female girlfriend while he and Bernie were roommates in London

that's what Someone Saved My Life is about yeah that's what she's listening to his heart so all of this goes to show that maybe Bernie Taupin's genius is no one listens to his lyrics no one even cares

and even when you sing along, they're invisible lyrics with zero meaning. No meaning. You put your own meaning, by the way, having nothing, not you're not even close to the meaning. It's not like a slight,

like you're interpreting it for yourself. Like it's not even about a gay guy breaking up with a girl. When you're listening to the heart, someone saved my life tonight. And it's not about going to Spain. It's about, it's just, that's Bernie Taupin's genius, I guess, is nonsense in a word nonsense. If I was a sculptor, but then again, no. Well, yeah.

Don't give me the no. How about if I was a carpenter? Then again, yes. Yes. Keep that in. It's almost like he's reciting into a little recording device lyrics as he's walking around. He's like, if I was a sculptor, then again, no, no. No, no, not that. But then he just writes down what's in his recorder. Right.

Yeah. I can't. I can't. Yeah, I think that the heart that was beating in the guy's chest started beating really fast and it got some messages from the ears that made him want the legs to head for the exit before i could hear any more fucking bernie taupin lyrics even his heart is like you guys know this is about a gay dude who broke up with his girlfriend like this isn't have any no no

one's life was really saved no one was close to death he was just close to a heterosexual relationship yeah all right oh my god let's do some sports troy acheman i love this story because I was watching the game, and when Troy Aikman said this, I fucking laughed so hard because I knew the shit he was going to get about it. He feels regretful now over a controversial comment he made during the Chiefs-Raiders game on Monday Night Football. He said he hopes the NFL, quote,

takes the dresses off after another contentious roughing the passer call. During a radio appearance on 96.7 The Ticket, Aikman called his remarks dumb when one of the hosts noted that there was some reaction to his strong comments. Can we just have football? Can we have one little fucking place where we can be sexist pigs, where we, you know, we will give you we will give you raising our sons to be progressive and open minded and feminist. We'll give you equal pay in the workplace. But can we have a place where we can have cheerleaders that are wearing short shirt?

You know, now they're wearing fucking yoga pants. There's cheerleaders in fucking yoga pants. mean especially the males just give us sunday morning just sunday morning saturday night we'll go we'll go out we'll do whatever you want but just leave us alone for three hours on sunday to fucking rejoice in the past jakeman was like you know listen that was a regrettable uh comment about the dresses. And I just, it's my understanding a lot of you got your panties in a bunch and that was not my intention. And I hope that you can all put your tampons back in and understand that where this was

coming from. I don't know if it was that time of the month when I said it for a lot of you, but really, sorry. That was not my intention. I mean, females, broadcasters, I still, you know what? I am a progressive, open-minded, liberal guy. I am not, I don't want female fucking broadcasters on my football games. I just can't get used to it. You didn't play.

You didn't coach it. Yep. Just let us have this. Can we just have this one thing? Yeah. We're not going to touch the Lifetime movies. You got those. Right.

You make fun of men on those. Whatever you want to do. We're all killers on those anyway. Yep. So that's our representation on all the Lifetime movies. So as far as our Buccaneers bet, you are now up fifty dollars because last week Tampa Bay won, but they only won by six and the spread was half. And boy, did they kill a lot of time.

There was like over over two minutes on the clock when he took his first knee. Yep. Yep. And I thought, I thought it was going to be, well, even a field goal. I think I was safe, but you know, I've been there before where he's they know they've won it kind of. And then he just fades back and then a long one. He just launches a long one for shits and giggles and it goes in. It goes in. It goes right

into the end zone. So this week Tampa Bay is playing Pittsburgh. They're playing in Pittsburgh and still giving the Steelers eight and a half points. So I think it's going to be a tough win this week for the Bucs.

It's not tonight. Is it Sunday? I think it's Sunday. You Is it when, is it a Sunday? I think it's Sunday. Yeah. Okay. You know, it's going to be a good game this weekend is the, uh, the bills against the,

um, uh, Kansas city. I'll be flying back from college football. So I don't know if I'll have the room for, uh, more, more football at that point.

All right. Don't you have to go soon? Uh, yeah, let's do, all right, all right, we'll skip this story about that. We'll skip that. Yeah. Oh, I just want to say for business, this treasurydirect.gov that we were telling you guys about to get these bonds that are paying nine point six percent.

They're redoing the Web site. Christopher Wojcik wrote in to say that they realize that it's a shit show. They're redoing it. So stay tuned. All right. Let's get down to letters to the editor. John Rylands from Bloomfield, Connecticut, says, Carry On My Wayward Son.

We were talking about songs that were written quickly that were great. Carry On My Wayward Son was written by Cary Livgren in 15 minutes as they needed one more song for the album. That's a fucking great song. You're talking about Kansas. Kansas was one of those 70s bands that just went for it. They went fucking big yeah big time it did it didn't always work but when it did it was fucking amazing yep highway star by deep purple was written on the tour bus on the way from their hotel to the gig

they went on to play it that night at the show awesome uh great first albums Davey says that Tiger Milk by Bell and Sebastian he loved that at Stowe College in Glasgow he's one of our listeners from Scotland I like Bell and Sebastian I don't know them really that well it's good it's you know it's pussy rock but it's good easy acheman all right let's do oh wait wait there was one there's one like that oh one of the clash's biggest songs train in vain it was on london calling and it people call it a hidden track because it's the last track and it's not in it's not listed and it's not in the liner notes and a very similar story scorsese they were recording in new york or they were in new york sorry the album already

went out and was in the process of getting pressed and, uh, and all the artwork was already in. And Scorsese said, I need a song. And Scorsese loves the clash. I need a song for this movie. They just like this, like hunker down and within like hours wrote and recorded train in vain. And, uh, you know, you stand by me and and and they sent it in and it made it to the album in time but not in time to change the artwork and then scorsese i think didn't use it oh no shit really but it's one of the most successful songs like it's one of the most popular clash songs and it was a last minute add to their best album. Great story, Mike. Sure thing. Let's get to the funnies.

You got it. I'm unprepared, but... A couple people wrote in with this about Family Circus. He said, I hate to explain a bad joke to comedians, but I think the shitty boy digging, his name is Billy, is referring to the idea that the earth might be hollow.

Hollow would be the opposite of solid. I don't even remember the comic. A couple people wrote that. What's the idea that the earth might be hollow? Is this an idea I'm unaware of? I don't know. Maybe this is like some... Is it like an Easter chocolate bunny that's summer solid?

I don't know. Is this back when there were alchemists i think i've already spent too much time on this um but thank you for trying but you see it's just just trying trying to understand let's get to hager who is really the troy acheman of the mid of the medieval times This is how he treats his fucking wife. So he's walking along with Lucky. They just got back from battle. They look a little bit beat up. And Lucky says, Cy, why do we keep on doing this terrible work?

And Hager said, I do it for cold ale, cold chicken, and a warm, warm heart. And Helga is waiting at the front door. She's got some food. She's got some gruel and they sit down in chairs nice big comfortable chairs and Lucky says what first attracted you to your wife all these years ago and Hager eats a chicken bone throws the fucking bone on the floor and he says I love that Helga was not one of those high maintenance types and Helga comes over and hands him more food and beer and then proceeds to bend over and pick up the fucking chicken bone

off the floor and then he goes Helga I'm ready for a refill holds up his cup and she comes and pours it for him and Lucky goes so it's true opposites attract what's funny about that it's just an exploration of how fucking horrible of a guy he is also it's interesting for a rapist to call his rape victim uh potentially high maintenance are any rape victims high maintenance having you circumvented all of that by your absolutely barbaric behavior it is documented that he stole her um let's get to the lockhorns leroy looks at loretta and he goes when i said we should talk about our feelings i didn't mean to each other and then in the next Leroy is at a cocktail party, and Loretta is talking to a friend. Leroy is walking.

He looks dejected, and he's walking away from a very hot woman with a drink in her hand. And Loretta says, when Leroy asked, what's your sign, she said, stop. And you got to see the woman. She looks like he just tried to grab her pussy. Her arm is wrapped around her waist. She's recoiling. Yes. Like a victim.

Yeah. She's protecting herself. Here's what I just did because sometimes I like Bunny's wordplay. All right. And he's watching TV and Loretta says to her friend, Leroy doesn't exercise.

He's in the fitness protection program. I didn't even put in a family circus. But by memory, I'm going to put it in after this. By memory, though, I remember one that struck me when I was little. This car is driving through fields like there's a farm you know fields on the left and on the right and with the fences and the farm is driving the car is driving by and out the window you can tell now in the car cows are driving the car and this

cow leans out the window and screams yakety yakety yakety yak and then you see in the field all these humans are in the field like eating and they all like look up and like look over. And that's that was one of my favorites that introduced me to the series. That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. That one that one you can look at for a little while. Here he is, Dagwood. And this is one of those weeks where I look back at the whole week and I pick my favorite Blondie cartoon and this is one of those weeks where like six out of the seven did

not have Blondie in it this is not called what would this comic strip is not about this fucking zero talking to herb the neighbor or the short order cook and making jokes about how bad the food is or sleeping at his desk nobody cares cares. We want to see Blondie. So he's now talking to Herb, and they're standing on either side of a shrub. And Herb goes, Tootsie, which first of all, that's your fucking wife's name? Tootsie? Was she a stripper? Tootsie wants to renew our wedding vows.

And then Dagwood goes, oh, that's romantic. Herb goes, yeah, and she wants to add some new ones dagwood oh like what herb says like herb will clear the dishes vacuum the carpets and clean the garage every saturday dagwood says kind of takes the romance out of it doesn't it yeah you know why here's here's where the romance should be, Dagwood. You should be up at the crack of dawn on Saturday, scrubbing the floors, giving her a fucking pedicure, leaf blowing, whatever the fuck it takes to keep that woman happy. Not standing in the backyard grousing with herb about how women make you do things around the house. What fucking year is this? and make you do things around the house. What fucking year is this?

Isn't it the 50s? I don't know. Is it modernized? No, they're still writing them. These are new ones. Oh, that's insane. Yeah. Oh, Dagwood.

Fucking Dagwood. I need to see this asshole on a Sunday. All right, listen, I got to run. Mike, it's been fun. Sunday. All right, listen, I got to run. Mike, it's been fun. Yes. All right. Go blue, I guess, is what people are going to be screaming at me when I wear my Michigan hat that my daughter gave me.

I got to prepare myself for that. Have fun in Chicago. All right. Say hi to Soph. Say hi to your dad. Yeah, same to you and Owen. I hope you kill. I hope you sell out.

Oh, please, please please i hope it goes well god's ears yeah good luck on the morning radio yeah it's gonna be a big weekend all right everybody thanks to midcoast media for doing a great job kissing uh key and chris and uh uh john and beth and everybody uh we'll see you guys next time. Until then, everybody, take it eesh. Take it eesh. All righties. Sunday paper

Sunday paper paper We'll see you next time.