Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 136 10/23/22

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

This week, we take Ellen down and put Corden up. The Girl Scouts cult is given $84M from MacKenzie Scott, and San Francisco is getting a $1.7M public shitter.

All right, are you clapping in, Biatch? Clapping in, in seven, eight, nine. All righty, one, two, three. Oh, you're such a pro. Read all about it. Read all about it. Extra, extra. Dahmer's back in the news.

The people are still dead, but we're entranced by this handsome young devil. I asked Olivia, my daughter, said that kids in her school, she goes to an incredibly woke school, like outrageously woke. They're getting a lot of shade and in trouble for dressing as Dahmer. Well, who the fuck is dressing as Dahmer? You mean for Halloween?

Yes, everyone is dressing as Dahmer? You mean for Halloween? Yes, everyone is dressing as Dahmer. So my question to you, is that wrong, Greg? Well, eBay, I just read that eBay is no longer selling the costume. I mean, how does Dahmer dress? He wears golf shirts and do they wear wigs like blonde wigs? I'm sure they get creative and put blood around their mouths and stuff like that. I don't know. I think they can dress like him as long as they don't eat like him.

Oh, no. But I said to her, I'm like, well, do you I don't think it's a celebration of him. In other words, might it draw more attention and more awareness to psychopaths that are out there or how bad he was? You mean psychopaths like vampires and werewolves? Well, then, so I said to her, knowing I had something up my sleeve, I said, well, like, so people can't dress, you know, kind of like what you were saying, as any bad people. And I go, so like no one can ever dress up as Hitler. And she goes, no, you can never dress as Hitler. So then I turn around the computer. So my only IMDB acting credit is Hitler. And then she asked to see the clip because on Tosh.0, Andy Dick came in and I think there was going to be a

big TV show about Hitler. And so Andy Dick, we had an idea that Andy Dick would audition, like let's film his audition for Hitler. And it's on YouTube. If you put Andy Dick, if you look for Andy Dick, Hitler, I think anyway. Probably get a lot of, a lot of hits on that. for Andy Dick, Hitler, I think. Anyway. Probably get a lot of hits on that. It's pretty edgy, actually, the jokes that he did. Like, you know, he sort of said he feels uncomfortable with these jokes, and then in a backhanded way,

he'd then read them. But I was the next Hitler to audition, so, like, you know, anyway, that's why I was in it. He made me do it. Tosh was furious, because we were, like, taping the show that night, and we, like, and as executive like i couldn't be up there but andy dick is like gibbons is playing hitler like he wouldn't let go of it

yeah you mean because he wanted you busy writing he just didn't want me to participate yes he wanted me busy running the show and so uh and getting things ready but uh he probably also didn't want to see me on camera maybe maybe. Anyway, but I don't know. It's a good question on who can play. I don't think it's celebrating them. Isn't dressing like Dahmer pretty similar to dressing like Daniel Tosh? No, but, like, remember a lot of people dressed as the Unabomber? Yeah.

You know? People have dressed as hijackers. You know, I don't terrorist. I don't know. Bin Laden. Yeah. People definitely dressed as Bin Laden. Yeah. Dr. Kevorkian. I remember seeing that Halloween costume. George W. Bush. Lots of lots of villains. Yeah. Has anybody dressed as Manson? Oh, I'm sure. With the swastik on the forehead, though? That's authentic. Maybe they went pre-prison. The early, youthful, the musician, Manson. The man with a dream, hopes. Yeah, and a posse full of underage women that got him into Hollywood parties

because this town will take him if that's what he's arriving with. Well, don't forget to purchase Chaos by Tom O'Neill, the book about Manson that will blow your mind. Yeah. He gets mad if we don't plug it every third show. Oh, my God. Or if Joe Rogan doesn't bring it up. I think he keeps paying Joe Rogan

to bring it up. All right. One more quick Olivia story. Olivia's on the phone with her friend. And so she got sick this week. She, I guess I got her sick from what I had. And so I go, uh, I whole foods, chicken noodle soup, all sold out because it seemed seemingly everyone has this thing. Anyway, they had a vegan chicken soup. So I bring that home and I'm like, listen, I got you chicken soup. And she's like, oh good. I'm like, I go, actually it's vegan chicken noodle soup. And she's like, what? And I go, it's vegan. They're regular chicken noodles. She's like, so it's not chicken noodle soup. I'm like, so I go, and I'm trying to be patient, but I, so I go, no, no, it's vegan chicken noodle soup. She's like, and then she gets snappy. She's like, what, what does that mean? I'm like, they're vegan chickens.

And she's like, and so hold on. She's, she's on a zoom with her friend at this point. And she goes, what does that mean? I'm like, they're vegan. They're free range, vegan chickens. I go, they're, they're, they're clones. They're also clones. They're created.

And so it's kind of like, you know, they're clones. They're also clones. They're created. And so it's kind of like, you know, farm-raised salmon. This is like a man-created chicken, and it's vegan. And the friend, both of them, keep in mind, they are in a good, in quotes, school. They're like, oh, my God, I didn't know those existed. And I'm just like, I just, you fucking morons. That's hilarious.

Yes. Yeah. It's a gender fluid chicken. All right. But here, another nice philosophical start to the podcast. Another question for you, Gregory. Yeah. All right.

Obviously, there's farm raised, right? Which would not have lived without man basically creating them, right? There's even like, you're taking the, you're harvesting eggs. You're, you're literally, I saw this documentary. You're, you're fertilizing them with the sperm because you've killed another male with the sperm and you're in a bucket literally. And you're creating these embryos. Okay. Let's take it a step further. We cloned a sheep. What in the eighties? Like successfully? All right. So let's say they were cloned chickens, right? Cloned chickens, 100% cloned chickens. So does this make the moral part of being a vegan?

I understand some people just want to put plants in her body. I get all that, but, or a vegetarian, does this change the dynamic from people who are morally doing it for more on moral grounds? Well, it's the same thing as if you ask me if it's wrong that I fuck a sex doll

when I'm married, you know? Is it? Okay. Let's break that down. First of all, no. So I don't even know how to work backwards from this because it's totally fine. Is the sex doll a clone of your wife? That's what you're saying, right? It's Erin? Yes, exactly. I saw Brian Kiley do stand-up last night. You know Brian Kiley? I do, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the greatest fucking joke writer. He wrote monologue jokes for Conan O'Brien

from the first day the show started until the last day the show ended. Wow. For 20-something years, every fucking day, he he showed up read the paper and wrote a hundred jokes about your brain that is a hard thing to shift out of i wonder how his transition out of that was he said now he won't even look at news he's like he why he goes it could say world war three on a newspaper i walk right past it i want nothing to do with it so he doesn't he doesn't look at the news just like us that's our model We don't look at the news or write jokes about it. So he,

so he had a joke last night. He goes, my son asked me if I would buy him a sex doll. And I'm like, what? I am not buying two sex dolls. dolls. That's great. So I don't know about that. I think you're still taking a life. That would be the easy first impulse argument against eating a clone chicken if you're a vegetarian or vegan. But I think it does blur it a little.

Anyway. Is a clone less of a life than uh huh well this is one of the great sci-fi questions of all time that's been explored in movies uh in books and black mirror uh i don't yeah i wonder i think i'd feel less guilty about killing a twin because the parents still have another of the exact same kid left oh god all right what about randy or jason i think they only perform and go out together yeah i think so it's it's a package deal i like those guys so how about this You clone our country clones, our children, and we send the clones to war. I think everyone would be fine with that. Yes. Yes. Okay. So that makes it interesting. Good. Circling back to the chicken thing, because now there is a slippery slope in terms of the

philosophical stance one takes on this anyway i used to have a bit i used to have a bit and uh and my act and then they actually used it on that remember that show shorties watching shorties on comedy central where they would animate stand-up bits yeah so you can look it up on on uh something and uh it was about how eventually we're all going to clone ourselves and then we'll just have like an extra one of us that we use for spare parts. You just drag them around. You're drinking your ass off because you got another liver right behind you. And you're like, hey, give me a hand.

I forget how it went. But it was a classic Fitz Dog bit. Someone write in and tell me if this has been done. Because you and I have talked about this stuff before. And then I had an idea similar, but which was you're going through life. It's fine. Like if I wrote the movie, it would look almost like a rom-com, right? And then while he's, you know, the premise seems to be that he's trying to get, you know, 10 dates or whatever the hell, you know, whatever rom-com premise you have, all of a sudden he thinks he sees himself. And anyway, cut to the premise, which is,

he thinks he sees himself and anyway cut to the premise which is uh your clone is out there and doesn't know he's a clone but he like he's there for your spare parts when you need them and you have the right to get him and harvest the organs so my bit Right, except taken to a much higher level with nuance and story. And probably a $50 million difference in a payday. I got a lot for shorties watching shorties. I think I got $500. Well, that's more than I'm ever going to make with my idea. So how was Michigan? Michigan was amazing. I mean, I don't know much about college football, but I'll just say this for the sports fans out there. Last time I went and I was not impressed,

man. It looks and that was in November. It was parents weekend last year at the big house at University of Michigan. And it was kind of like watching the Jets, the old Jets, by the way. The new Jets are doing good. Who knew? So, and not me, I am ready. I am, I am literally at the bandwagon stop. I'm waiting. I'm looking for when the headlights are coming and I'm going to get right on that bandwagon. So anyway, uh, they were sloppy. Very few first downs were converted, blah, blah, blah. They wound up winning, and then they went and came in like third in the country or whatever, losing to Georgia, I think, or Alabama. But I remember sitting at the game. I'm like, well, this is not like SEC-level football at all.

This game was against Penn State. Penn State's number five against running, and I'm not a sports guy, so this is almost over. They ran 450 yards all over them they have these two running backs who like love each other they're like they're like all they want to do is talk about the other guy what he did and it's two of them each got over 200 yards and so uh who you know i'm not saying they can beat a georgia this is what i am saying that team is a lot better than it was last year in my uneducated opinion. So what are you saying?

So Michigan lost. Michigan won. They're undefeated. They're one of the best in the country. Oh, yeah. And Penn State was number five against the run. You just told like three stories at once, and I didn't know which year you were talking about. But anyway, 111.

Well, it was high 110,000. 000 basically it was 111 000 people crazy packed it was incredible damn yeah i love it and your dad came yep i emailed him by accident the other day i went to send you an email and i guess when i when it auto spelled mike gibbons it did auto mike gibbons senior and he goes he goes i don't know how to use this bullshit passcode so if you need me to correct if you need me to edit something just send it directly it must have been the google doc that we work on for the script and he didn't even react to your opening line like hey homosexual i don't think that i didn't know you wouldn't give a shit well um so and then i went to chicago had a blast visiting owen we did a big show on saturday night thanks to everybody that came out to the den theater yeah how was that it was amazing

it was i mean i had to cut out all the jokes about me fucking his mom because I felt like that would make him uncomfortable with his roommates. Yeah, just keep that to the podcast. So I just did all jokes about him. I did like literally half my act was I said, I'm going to do every joke I've ever written about Owen back to back, starting from when he was a baby and going up until now. And it went over really well. Oh, wow.

So that was fun. Yeah. Oh, the breastfeeding? went over really well. Oh, wow. So that was fun. Yeah. Oh, the breastfeeding? Did the breastfeeding. Oh, great. That's where it started. Ended with the fact that he's an anthropology major, which is the study of how to live off your father

for the rest of your life. It's the most popular major in the country. It's such a fucking default. I can't, I don't know what I want to do with my life. Study man. Yeah. I'm going to back up a few million years and start from there. Um, and then, um, talk to to our good friend Matt Malloy yesterday. Our friend Matt Malloy, if you don't know him, you should look him up. He's a great actor, career journeyman actor who's got a long IMDb page. He's worked for many, many years, 30-something years. That documentary is you're the guy from that thing, that show or that movie.

There was a documentary about guys like him who you totally recognize. You recognize, but you don't necessarily know their name. So anyway, he was like, you know, as you get older, you work a little bit less. And then all of a sudden, boom, the guy scores an abc one hour drama starring hillary swank called alaska daily which people should watch it's very good and he's got a big role in it and it's a big payday and it's like the network i mean there's billboards everywhere the network is so behind it crazy good ratings they're like gonna be on the air for a long time. And then Hilary Swank gets pregnant with twins.

So now nobody knows is the show going to continue? This was like his retirement. Yeah. Kill her off and replace her with a new, a bigger actress. Yeah. There's so many dark jokes I could do right now but I'm not going to

do them. I think I mentioned it last week, but you know, the guy, the star of that documentary, we all saw in 1999 American movie, Mike Shank, he passed away last week. Um, it, I rented it and yeah, I watched it since we did the podcast, but I, I think I texted all you guys. It is so, I remember it was in my top 10 funniest movies of all time for a while. It's back in there. Yeah. It's, it is Christopher Guest on his best day, but of course this is real, but it's

like comedy writers crafted each scene. So like the scene had a funny blow to get out of it. I mean, I think the editor is a genius and it was a shoestring budget. It won Sundance and it is a documentary about a guy in Wisconsin with his friend who's trying to make a movie, his movie, which he's passionate about. Now, I can't remember. Is it a mockumentary or is it a documentary? It is a documentary. They then went on Letterman,

and then Letterman hired the guy to be a correspondent. That's how blown away Letterman was. I remember being in the theater with you and Malloy, as a matter of fact. Yes. And I believe Matt Malloy might have peed his pants. He urinated in the theater during the scene. Well, he almost urinated during this one scene. And then another one was where he was trying to bang a guy's head through a cabinet and the cabinet door is supposed to break and it doesn't.

wasn't and it's it's on but and again that is what christopher guest would have like spent a long time coming up with that comedy premise right it's amazing yeah yeah so please everyone see american movie yeah um okay buy it i actually try to buy it. The DVD, maybe. I'm just trying to think of how to get that guy. Well, you can buy something. When you stream it, you can buy it. I know, but I don't know how much they see. If it's based on how much money I get in residuals, he'll get two cents on streaming. Yeah. That's true.

I think American Movie, I remember the last frame of the movie is buy this movie at AmericanMovie.com. And it also comes with the movie that he's trying to make as like a bonus. Crack it, right? Coven. Coven. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Which he tries to be corrected that it's Coven. He won't hear none of it because it sounds like oven. Yeah. So anyway, that's on there as a bonus feature. And I think, you know, maybe he's selling, hopefully he's selling them out of his garage and making every penny. Yeah. All right.

Let's talk about the logo. Yep. Melody Myers, who is our crack. Amazing. She's just the greatest. She did a Dahmer one. Oh, I owe Rob an email back. I forgot.

Yes. Oh, yeah, her. Boyfriend Rob Dukes from Generation Kill. He is also a big supporter of the show. We love them. The song this week comes from David Chamberlain. That goes to the top of the list of possible permanent songs for the show. It's great.

And here we can't show my daughter that I'm dressed as Dahmer, but I didn't do it. Corrections. Daniel McConaughey says Mike must drink so much at football games that he forgets they sell beer. I'm from Pittsburgh, and the college team plays at the same stadium as the professional team. They definitely sell beer. If some stadiums don't sell alcohol, then that's fucked. All right.

All right. Well, hold on, Daniel. Listen later. I'm going to talk about Pittsburgh, your fair city. They do not sell beer at Michigan. So, but I looked it up. I was very surprised to see because I remember going to Kentucky Basketball Stadium, and they have a whole system built around it.

USC doesn't sell beer, and they have a little, like you can become a member of this club. That's where my sister and brother-in-law get beer at that game. Oh, like a speakeasy? It's not a speakeasy, but it's like you have to be a member. I don't know. They found some, but it's like you have to be a member i don't know they found some but it does it hardly serves that many people it really doesn't and michigan 110 000 people not one beer in the place and then ohio state i don't think does either i'm not sure about but anyway a good amount don't but they can this guy's right. I thought they weren't allowed.

They are not allowed during playoff games in the NCAA. That is a rule. Okay. That's a big loss in income, cutting out 110,000 people each buying two beers. Let me look at the highest it's on there. What are the beers, $8 each? Oh, my God. Oh, at least.

How much money is that? Eight hundred. That's $1.6 million in beer sales if everybody there buys two beers. Yeah. Jesus. Can you imagine? And what? So they're going to destroy one set of crossbars?

Fuck it. What's that, $1, to destroy one set of crossbars? Fuck it. What's that, $1,000? The Buckeyes do have it. Yep, eight to nine bucks, according to this. But beer sales exceed $1 million in first year at Ohio Stadium. So it's new. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

First three games, it was 412,000, but they're probably talking about net or whatever. Okay, anyway. Brian Gullickson said, Greg mentioned on the podcast that the University of Michigan Stadium has the highest seating capacity in any stadium in the U.S. behind the Indianapolis Speedway. While true that the Indianapolis Speedway does have the highest capacity

at a whopping 257,000, there are seven other raceways with higher capacities than the big house. So Penn State is 106,000. Michigan is 107,000. But it's not. I mean, I don't know how they do it. But when I was there, they put up there it was 110,560 or something like that. It was very close to 111,000.

And they put up the stat on how many games they had over 100,000, and it's years and years and years and years. Adam Bean, who's a big contributor to the show, who we love, said when Greg was in the hospital in Ireland, was he on a respirator? Was he on a ventilator? I guess I said I was on a respirator. He said respirators are those filtered face masks Gizmo's car painters don in their painting bays.

But if Greg was on a ventilator, he'd be kind of knocked out, sedated, unconscious, a tube down his throat, shitting in a bag. So what's the story about your asthma in Ireland and mold? Well, you guys are better than Netflix. What the hell? I was I definitely had, you know, maybe it was a long time ago. I was 18. Maybe I just had an oxygen tube run into my nose. Maybe that's more likely.

Does that make more sense if I had asthma? I definitely had intravenous needles in my arm for a few days, and I had the tube. I think I had an oxygen tube on my nose and I read two I was there for a week and I read two Stephen King novels and those are like 700 pages long I just said there was no TV ah so by the way you're in great Ireland and you're like, give me a writer from Maine. Yeah, I know. I could have read Finnegan's Wake.

I could have read The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. You could have read The Dubliners. Ulysses, for God. I don't know about Ulysses. That's a bit much. A little dense for having a tube up your nose. Yeah. You know what else is dense is the crowds

that are going to be forming at the Punchline in San Francisco November 3rd through 5th. My second favorite club in the country. Side Splitters in Tampa November 17th through 19th. Oklahoma City December 1st. Hyenas in Dallas, Texas or Fort Worth, Texas December 2nd and 3rd. Also got some dates coming up in the new year in Philly and Portland and other places.

Go to FitzDawg.com, get your tickets, come out. And now let's talk about HelloFresh for a second. Oh, my God. Did you get the taquitos? I got the taquitos. I didn't know how to make them, and now I know how to make them. It's so much fun to make them, and it's farm-fresh, pre-proportioned ingredients, seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep.

You don't have to shop, and you don't have to measure. That's my favorite part. Erin, she's a doula, and she's got a new baby. So she's been working from 3 to 8 p.m. every day. So I come home and make dinner. Now, I am not a good cook at all. The reason I don't enjoy doing it is I don't like the shopping part.

I don't like the measuring part. HelloFresh lets you do all the fun part of cooking without all the tedious bullshit. So when you subscribe to HelloFresh and check save money off your fall to-do list, HelloFresh is 25% cheaper than takeout and less expensive than grocery shopping as well. Their ingredients travel from farm to your doorstep in less than seven days, so you know they're fresh, pre-proportioned, cut down on food waste. You know, it's offering vegan recipes. It does cut down on food waste. That's a good point.

Made without animal products of any kind dairy meat eggs or honey enjoying meals like sweet chili tofu bowls spicy coconut curry stir fry we had so many good meals it was a macaroni and cheese that they sent oh yep yep we got that as well and they and uh big portions like the leftovers are great yeah and uh i'm like you it's kind. Yeah. And I'm like you. It's kind of like when I'm trying to fix a leak in my sink or something. Food shopping is like the run to the Home Depot. I get back here and it's like, what, chives? I don't have chives?

Yeah. Back to the store. Right, right. You know, whatever it is. I think I have something. I think I have that part and I don't have that part. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Papers65 and use code Papers65 for, ready for this, 65% off plus free shipping. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Papers65.

Use code Papers65 for 65% off plus free shipping. America's number one meal kit. Hello, Fresh. Nice. And now, goodbye, Fresh. Okay. Because we're ready to say hello front page. Are you not hearing it?

Right here. Oh, you got it. There you go. Extra! Extra! We all. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! All right.

Ellen is back. That is our... Did you think you could keep her down? Did you think she was going to go away? Ellen DeGeneres? And it's our lead story. The talk show host whose series, The Ellen DeGeneres Show Show ended five months ago in May is returning to the world of television with her new docu-style series called About Time for Yourself with Ellen. I thought it was time for myself, but I guess she's going to be along also. Which follows DeGeneres as she keeps herself occupied with new hobbies while unemployed. Hey, everybody. How you doing, DeGeneres-ass fans?

In a short teaser promoting the show. Lately, I've been taking some time for just myself, away from the cameras. And I've been having such a great time, I thought, bring back those cameras. No, that's not what it says. And I've been having such a great time, I thought I would share some of what I've been doing with you. The eight-episode series will feature DeGeneres learning hobbies like crocheting. Oh. These are not the jokes.

Crocheting, birdwatching, hold on, and making cards, just to name a few. I'm coughing on vomit. In this new series shot at her home, Ellen shares her own attempts to try new things like keeping a dog for more than one night. That might have been editorialized. For trying new things and make a little me time in her own very Ellen way about time for yourself with Ellen premieres October 22nd on her YouTube channel. Oh my God. Listen, people stopped watching you,

Ellen, when you had Beyonce on now, they're going to watch you knit. it how does how did this pitch meeting go yeah right right um yeah and and good luck to the crew that shows up to ellen's house yeah i mean are you are you shitting me put on put on slippers put on gloves put on a mask don't touch that shit go to Burger King to take a shit. You're not shitting in my house. No way. She's going to do birdwatching. I think we should sneak into the woods outside our house. And when she's pointing out the birds, we just pick them off with air guns. Just one at a time. Just explode those motherfuckers with high powered air guns. one at a time. Just explode those motherfuckers with high-powered air guns. This is

so relatable. Are you an unemployed hundred millionaire who is looking for things to do with your time? Yeah. If she's trying to be the new Martha Stewart, she might take in the fact that the real Martha Stewart

stopped being Martha Stewart because nobody fucking cared anymore. Yeah. It happened around the time she went to prison. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, what...

I am watching that first episode. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe I'll watch the second once they've run out of stuff. Well, I have a feeling clips are going to start showing up on our... There's a thread of ex-Ellen writers. Yeah Well, I have a feeling clips are going to start showing up on our, there's a thread

of ex-Ellen writers. Yeah. And I have a feeling some clips from that are going to show up on that thread. Called the Survivors Club, by the way. We could literally, there is so much on that that we could print it and publish it and sell it for a lot of money. Well,

you just invited all hackers. The U.S. Supreme Court will take up the case of a death row inmate convicted of murdering his family, who claimed he didn't receive a fair trial because of jurors opposed to interracial marriage. Yeah, that's what hung them up. Andre Thomas, who removed his eyes and ate one while in prison. So he took them both out, ate one, and then either decided, I don't love the texture, or was like, wow, one really fills you up. I think he held it in his hand, the last remaining eye,

and turned it around and saw what he looked like with both eyes out of his sockets and popped it right back in. So he's animated? Yeah. So he was sentenced to death for killing his estranged wife and two children in a crime he said God told him to commit. Ah. So maybe God should be subpoenaed in this case. If he pulls a Steve Bannon, if God pulls a Steve Bannon and doesn't show up,

we put him in jail for four months. Imagine the world with no God for four months, how things would change. Nobody would hit a home run or make it home driving drunk without getting pulled over. Nobody would win the lottery. A lot less Grammy winners. Yep.

Yep. Jesus. Well, Thomas was black and his wife was white, which that's on him. That is on him because I think it would have gone the other way with this all white jury. All right. Here's the interesting part. Do you want to read that that paragraph the inmate claimed? Because the inmate claimed the all white jury convicted him because they didn't approve of interracial marriage. At least three expressed the racist belief, with one allegedly noting on a questionnaire, quote, I think we should stay with our bloodline, end quote.

I mean, I hate to say it, but if these are the facts, he has a case. I mean, I don't dispute he's guilty. Retry him immediately and keep him locked away forever. But if one of the jurors said that, forget about it. I have a feeling he's never going to see justice. Well, he's only going to be, hey, what are you looking at? Are you looking at life in prison? Well, I'm looking at half that.

Justice is blind. So is the defendant. Yeah. Justice is blind. So is the defendant. Yeah. That's, I was going to say, because it must look so gnarly, that's one way to get out of rape in prison. But sadly, there's one more hole to have sex with. Oh, God.

Yeah. I also heard he only ate the white part of the eye. He misses his wife. Yeah, and his little kids. Cute little kids. The real reason he did this is he only wanted to see himself getting raped half the time. I saw this guy out of the corner of my eye fucking me. Oh, no, this lunatic.

Oh, his poor family. Sad story. No jokes. I take them all back. Delete, delete, this lunatic. Oh, his poor family. Sad story. No jokes. I take them all back. Delete, delete, delete. Buffalo Bill's house is now a delightfully creepy Airbnb tribute to Silence of the Lambs. An art director and his wife got the idea, and they bought the house in 2020 for $290,000. The house is outside of Pittsburgh Pittsburgh where Silence of the Lambs

was shot. I learned, by the way, and when I read this story, I learned, remember how dreary, which was the idea and depressing all the exterior shots of Silence of the Lambs was? I learned that one of the suburbs outside of Pittsburgh is called Oakland. Just kill yourself. How do we make this scenario better? Let's have an Oakland. One visitor said she walked through exactly like Clarice would. We scared ourselves when we opened the bathroom door just past the furnace and hot water heaters. You see

a dead woman in the bathtub. The makeup artist Carl Fullerton made that amazing creature as well as the skins in Jamie's workshop. Jamie was the character in Lambs. Everything in the basement was gathered from

stores and flea markets around Pittsburgh. The main floor hasn't changed much. The buffet where Bill rifles for a business card before bolting for his basement is now filled with movie memorabilia, prop firearms, blah, blah, blah. Mostly, though,

fine. The four upstairs bedrooms, which are not featured in the movie, are packed with details. A sign above one of the toilets reminds guests to rub the lotion on their skin. And then from the moment the guy got the house, he knew it would all be about the basement. So it does have a basement, but they recreated the basement and that deep well on a soundstage. So he enlisted the skill of a local, but world famous special effects and makeup artist. And his school went to town on it and they created it, including the bloody scratches on the walls from the film. Anyway, it goes on. Like when you stumble down the stairs,

you trigger a motion sensor and it plays Goodbye Horses by Q Lazarus, which is that song that was blaring when Colerice went down there. That was crazy. And I heard they also hired Harvey Weinstein to sit in the corner and hurl his spooge at people. Oh, my God, yeah. I'll get his name in a minute. Migs.

Migs. Migs. I've said this before, but on the Ben show on Comedy Central, we wanted to do an actor's studio where James Lipton interviewed Migs just about that role, about the splooge, how did you get it out so fast. Yeah. By the way, that clip from the Ben show of you guys auditioning the woman shooting the machine gun. I know.

It is huge. It's blowing up. A lot of people have sent it to me. It's so nice. And I want to call, you know, they own it. Why don't you just put it on at midnight? It's so inappropriate. I think it'll do well at this point. The show? I think it'll do well at this point. The show? Yeah. It's like, you know, I told you all of a sudden I'm hearing about all these people are ordering Mayor of Titty City hats and not even knowing it's from the Ben show. Including your daughter?

Yeah, exactly. That was the most ironic part. And by the way, if you want to see the clip, how do people search for that clip? Because people are saying it's like the funniest thing they've ever seen. Well, it's on YouTube. It's Gangsta Granny granny but the ben show just just type in the ben show on on youtube i don't know how to search tiktok but it comes up a lot yeah anyway back back to pittsburgh especially for the guy who wrote in earlier uh to me what makes this the most special airbnb uh outside of the pittsburgh area

is it's the only one that for sure does not have a sexual predator in it. And it's the least depressing. Yeah. So it has that. You really don't like Pennsylvania. You hate Philly. I don't like Pennsylvania. And they're becoming more and more unlikable. Let's face it. Liars. Yeah. Billionaire philanthropist Mackenzie Scott has donated $84 million to the Girl Scouts, the organization said on Tuesday. The gift from Scott, 52, who was previously married to Amazon founder Jeff Bezos,

is the largest single donation to the organization's history. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I mean, is this a charity, the Girl Scouts? Don't these little whores make enough money selling cookies door to door like fucking Mormon Amway cold callers, you know? And is there a better way to get your daughter abducted than sending her to the doors of strangers dressed in miniskirts offering treats?

Buffalo Bill. Exactly. Yeah. Don't do it in Pittsburgh. A girl showed up at his door. We saw what happened. She almost didn't make it out. That's right.

This woman, though, Mackenzie Scott, will do anything to have things delivered to your home. Are you already having Amazon and Whole Foods cookies delivered? Well, I'm sending 9 million little girls door to door to do it also. She should have bought, instead of donating the money directly, she should have ordered, you know, 20 billion boxes of cookies. Right. Or 20 million. 20 million boxes she could have afforded.

Sent them to Ukraine. And just make that one Girl Scout a fucking superstar in her pack. Right. She'd be pimping it, driving to pack meetings in a fucking Mercedes. Yep. The troop, by the way, I looked this up. They get 20 cents per $5 box. That's how it breaks down after all the overhead,

after the money goes to, like, the national organization to pay the fat salaries of the CEOs. They get 20 cents a box. And the girl who actually baked and packaged the cookies made 22 cents for the day. But that goes a long way in Bangladesh.

Oh, no. This story became sad. I know. Not as sad as what happens to the Boy Scouts. I'm sure the starving kids in sub-Sahara Africa will be comforted knowing that as they slap malaria-infested mosquitoes off their bloated, starving bellies, a group of rich kids in Connecticut have the funds for a new Gore-Tex tent. Maybe send the fucking tent to Africa. funds for a new Gore-Tex tent. Maybe send the fucking tent to Africa. It's always so rigged, man.

At every company, including TV shows, someone would come around like, I'm trying to have my daughter break the record. I'm like, how many have you sold? She's like, 700 boxes. I'm like, what? I go, you've won, right? And she's like, no, this other mom works at Disney.

She's getting everyone there. It's like, oh. No, I worked on a TV show show it was a daily tv show and the network executive made the audience they they would promote that the girl scouts were selling cookies on the way out the door and the entire crowd was forced to form a line on the way out and buy fucking girl scout cookies from her daughter that is crazy inexcusable that's terrible all right what is this plane oh yeah oh boy plane isn't that the next story scary the one's scary oh we i had plane yeah, there we go. A Georgia college student died over the weekend after being struck by a plane propeller on a date. 21-year-old Sandy Elihu of Georgia Southern University had rented a Cessna for a date with an unnamed young woman. You'd think if you rented a Cessna, she would tell you her fucking name.

think if you rented a Cessna, she would tell you her fucking name. Once the plane returned to the airport following its trip... Fake phone number. Following its trip to Savannah, the woman is said to have exited the plane and walked toward the back of the plane. Aliyah, meanwhile, exited

the plane and walked towards the front, at which point he was hit in the head with a propeller and killed instantly. Oh. Yeah. So. God. Worst proposal story I've ever heard. Listen, I'm on the bright side.

I'm ruling this a suicide. It must have been the worst date ever. He knew exactly what he was doing. She walked one way. He went the other. Right into it. Led with his head. Yeah. And the pilot immediately ran out of the cockpit when he saw what happened.

He was like, all right, he hadn't paid me yet. Who's covering the six grand on this flight? Because he doesn't look like he's in any condition to be paying me. You can keep the ring, miss, I think. By the way, what college kid has the cash to rent a Cessna for a date? When I took out girls at BU, which was not a lot, we took the T. We took the fucking train. And I didn't even pay for the fare.

She had a card. I had a card. And if I thought I was getting laid, then maybe I hail a cab. But that's just so some fucking football player didn't steal her away from me on the way home. And it was free going out of town above ground. Right. Exactly. Want to go out with me?

Yeah, we have to head away from Boston, though. Listen, well, it's in downtown, but why don't we meet at the restaurant and then we'll share a ride home on the train? Yeah, I would rent a plane, but I don't want to get my head blown off. That's the only reason. Yeah. Wow, that is terrible, man. All right, speaking of terrible, how about this one? Oh, oh. ISS-ISS-IPPI daycare is under investigation after disturbing videos of child care workers allegedly scaring toddlers with a mask from the movie Scream.

It names all the names, and they have been charged with three counts of felony child abuse and failure to report abuse. abuse. The suspects were arrested in connection with viral videos they were made using a mask to frighten the group of young children left in the care at Lil Blessings Child Care and Learning Center in Mississippi. Are you being bad? Do I need to take you outside? One daycare worker is allegedly heard screaming in a toddler's face while wearing the mask. You better be good. Cries and screams of children can be heard on the videos. The people that did those acts are no longer with us, the school said. They were killed.

They were killed. They were fired. I wasn't here at the time. I wasn't aware of what they were doing. I don't condone that. I would think kids would not be that freaked out in Mississippi because the grownups are wearing costumes year round. They wear ghost costumes all the time at night, late. With torches. With torches torches I mean that's scary

first of all once again it's women taking Halloween too seriously yeah there's a mental imbalance and some of this was in September yeah maybe the kids were screaming because they were so confused like what is happening

I do wonder though not a joke I do wonder, though, not a joke. I do wonder, like, is the mask intrinsically scary? The kids have never seen Scream, right? They don't know what it is. I mean, I guess it's a face that's tormented, right? And in pain and agony. Chris, will you pull up the picture of the Scream face? Yeah, it is kind of scary on its own

i guess so you would know that i'm surprised one kid didn't laugh though right um but uh it's so stupid and why would you do this toddlers my daughter worked at a preschool uh during the pandemic for a year and i can tell you this firsthand. The last thing you want when you're running a daycare is a kid shitting his pants. Now you got 20 fucking diapers to change. You know what's intrinsically not scary? It actually makes kids laugh. It's when I dress up as Hitler and I go in childcare.

And I tickle him Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. And I tell him the Heil Hitler, you know, it's like waving and it's a good time. There's nothing. It's like chaplain. I have a chaplain mustache on, not Hitler. Especially when you go to the benign breath pre-school. Oh yeah. There's a lot of them in Mississippi. Oh, here's the photo. Yeah. It's, it it's what's a white face with it's very aggressive it's very aggressive especially on a uh a roomy woman it's time for good news for gubbins okay all right well this i i texted gubbins and i was like, Hey man, how, you know, I got back in

town. So I'm like, how have you been? Uh, I go, what's up? Do you want to like meet later on? And a little bit of a delay. And then he texts back, uh, can I'm at Zach's house in Canada. And I'm with, uh, with another good friend and also two, two really good friends. One's Zach's brother. And then one's a mutual friend. Bobby Tisdale. Right. Who's friends with all of us. And that's absolutely.

And you know what my response was? Cool, man. That's very cool. Say hi to everybody. And how long are you up there for? Send some pictures. And he did. And everything was great.

Now, imagine if it was reversed. Oh, forget it. Forget it. It would be a major knockdown, drag out, passive aggressive session of what? What? You lose my phone number? Oh, he'd be screaming on his way to LAX. Yeah.

And by the way, this, of course, is not a fake comparison. Oh, you mean he'd go to LAX and fly up there immediately LAX. Yeah. And by the way, this of course is not a fair comparison. Oh, you mean he'd go to LAX and fly up there immediately? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's screaming as he's walking in the door. He might not even hang up the phone on the flight. Right. And it's an unfair comparison because Zach is Dennis' friend. That's how we met Zach.

That's how we met, sorry. That's how we met Dennis. And did Dennis, Dennis didn't know Zach before you, though. No, I think I knew Zach first. You did know Zach first. Back in New York. I knew Zach before I knew Dennis, but I don't know when Dennis and Zach started hanging out. But anyway, they're tight.

You met Zach when we shot that time capsule 2000. So it was 1999. Yeah, I did not know Zach before then. And I knew zach going back to probably 96 95 in new york stand up right yeah working at the clubs clubs you mean like uh hamburger harry's for him no stand up new york is where i first met him because the club owner at stand up new york this guy named carrie hoffman oh yeah great greatest fucking dude and he ran a terrific club and he kind of took me under his wing when i first came to new york that was

like the first club i got in and then he started managing zach when zach was just starting out and uh and i think he did a good job and then he started becoming a Frank Sinatra impersonator, which sounds like a joke until you see him do it. And you're like, he's this old Jew and he does Sinatra. And it's uncanny. He's got an amazing voice. He dresses up in a tuxedo and it's amazing. Yeah, it's really great. So he no longer represents zach um

right he doesn't so anyway dennis uh all right another good news for gubbin story ready go for it uh san residents of no valley in san francisco are getting a new public restroom and it could end up costing the city a pretty penny. A new public toilet in the upscale San Francisco neighborhood would cost the city a whopping $1.7 million. $1.7 million restroom makes a good headline, but the whole story is a lot more nuanced and less sensational. Yeah. A ceremony to celebrate the public restroom in Noe Valley

on Wednesday was canceled, which is a goddamn shame because I want to be at the celebration of a new toilet. Does everyone eat Indian food the night before and then throw down a couple extra shots of espresso that morning? Now, I don't know much about San Fran, but the Noe Valley, I think, is right near Mill Valley, where Gubbins is from. All right, just let that sit.

I just infuriated Dennis on two counts. One, no one says San Fran, okay? And he gets angry about that. Two, I have no idea where Noe or No Valley is, and it's probably not near Mill Valley. But Dennis could have used this toilet. So Dennis had his colonoscopy. People who are not fans of Good News for Gubbins

will really check out after this one. Gubbins got his colonoscopy a week or two ago, and it was no bueno. And he could have used a $2.7 million toilet. And then he kept saying he wasn't going to come over and have a drink at the golf club. And then all of a sudden he shows up and he's like, I don't think this is a good idea. Because I kept telling him it's not going to start till later. Like it starts in the middle of the night.

And for Dennis, the fireworks started right away. By the way, don't call it a golf club. It's a public municipal course that we hang out at that's a dump. That had an engagement party where people were giving toasts on a microphone as you were trying to tee off last night. And I started screaming at them. Yeah. This used to be a golf club.

That's what you were yelling. And also, for $1.7 million, a toilet should have a flat-screen TV, a bidet that blow-dries your ass, sprays cologne on it, bleaches your asshole. You should have a live birthing coach holding your hand as you push out a thick, dry one. Well well it's san fran i think there is going to be a guy in there who takes care of you yeah that would be a precious glory hole that would be um yeah did i tell you i was in san francisco once? And I went to this peep show place, you know, where they show porno videos. And you go into a booth and you close the door and then they give you tokens to put in, which are covered in semen, I would imagine. And you put them in and then you can change channels.

And it has everything from lesbian porn to bestiality, like hardcore shit. What? Yeah, so anyway, so I'm in one of the booths one afternoon, and I look to my left, and I see light flickering, and I look to my left,

and I realize it's flickering through a little round circle about waist high, and it's a glory hole. Don't like, maybe you don't finish this story and i just looked at it and i was like and i was just like oh my god can you imagine and then this part of you that does imagine because i don't know maybe maybe i'll put my so i didn't do it i didn't do it. I didn't do it. Has anyone ever seen a glory hole? And then while they're like taking it in and thinking about it,

kind of like you did, all of a sudden the cock comes through it. Like every single one is, seems to be one way. You know what I mean? Yeah. I guess. Cause you're in the bathroom,

but that would be, that would be kind of funny. That's an outside the box thinker. The guy that's putting his cock into the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that scene in Porky's is one of the classic moments in film history. Do you remember that? Yeah. But I imagine on paper, people like, do we really want to do that? Like, you know, they pulled they executed it pretty well yeah which by the way porky's when it got reissued they i forget somebody sent me like the 30th anniversary reissue of the dvd and i watched it that movie is remembered for this dick being put in a glory hole it was about racism it was about child abuse

it wasn't there anti-semitism it was anti-semitism it was nazi it was a heavy dark movie yeah um all right what's her what's her name was i remember whatever age i was, from sex in the city, Samantha, it's so shameful that I know the character's name, but she was in it and she like simulated orgasmic sounds or whatever. And I think she was topless anyway. Oh yeah. No, no, no. Oh, what do you mean? It was the scene.

Can you pull up those pictures? That's all i thought about leaving the theater really i was like 14 or 15 or whatever age i was yeah what year was we look up the year it turns out i was 30 by the way somebody leaked out topless photos of the i think it was arizona state uh women's team. And I guess they won their conference, Wisconsin. And they all flashed. They took a picture where the whole team flashed their tits. And somehow they thought it wasn't going to get out.

And it got leaked. And they scrubbed it from the internet. But not that well. I found it. So they're Wisconsin boobs, huh? Huge, cheesy fat bits. Chris, it's Kim Cattrall in Porky's. And what year did Porky's come out? Well- You want to guess? You want to try to guess? Let's guess. I would guess it came out in 1983.

I'm going to guess also. That's a good guess. I'm going to put it at, oh, man, that's a really good guess. I'm going to go right near you so it's not going to be fun. I'm going to put 81. 81. Porky's. 1981, November 13th.

Really? Yep. That makes me feel better. Holy shit, I nailed it. I was 14. So, but, oh, dude, Kim Cattrall is a brunette in it, and that's what I remember. That was her start.

Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah. She was being, didn't they use a microphone and they broadcast her like orgasm? Maybe she was having a real orgasm. I forget. I forget the details. Anyway.

Yeah. Thanks, Chris, for a clothed picture of Kim Cattrall. You got to the wrong site. Oh, you know what? I don't think she was, this is weird. I think she was bottomless. Oh, yep. I think the top was still on and she had interested in seeing somebody bottomless. Yeah. Well, I can't trust, you can't trust anything.

This is 14 year old me telling you how hot it was. So it, it could have been an old librarian at my school, which literally would happen to me in terms of fantasizing. All right, let's go to entertainment. Seamlessly transitioning. Oh, wait. Here we go. This was a message from somebody.

I didn't get the name. I know you like to rip on House of Dragons, and Mike is willing to take a stand on controversial topics that will get him canceled. No one cares enough to cancel him. True. The actress playing older Rhaenyra, the king's daughter, is non-binary. Rhaenyra, the king's daughter, is non-binary.

It would be unfair for a cis actor actress to play a non-binary character. Is it okay for a non-binary actress to play a woman mother queen? Also, my guess is that the House of Black People with blonde hair will go to war and the king and get wiped out. That's why we don't see them in Game of Thrones. All right. I wish the house was formally called Black People with Blonde Hair. Yeah. Blondes on blacks.

It's not a good look. You don't see it much. Oh, there it is. Oh, look at her. Wow. Yeah. That's the bottomless photo. Nice ass. I sound like a real pig on this sound like a real and they don't simulate it they have real sex and then her uh her sex sounds are broadcast or whatever porkies um wait you're saying that in when they filmed it that they actually had sex

no i'm not saying that at all no um so what you think? Is it okay for a non-binary actress to play? I don't know what this guy's saying. I've given up on all that. You can't limit. It's called acting. I mean, please, anyone can play anyone. I mean, we play the roles of mildly racist, white superior kind of cis men, and that's not us at all. Yeah, exactly.

We're also maybe playing mentally challenged people, which might work, actually. That tracks. And Denman is playing a gay guy, and it's weird. He's not gay. No. Don't say that. He's not gay. No. Don't say that. He'll curb himself. Matthew Perry is in the news this week.

Apparently, like, my wife was reading a thing this morning. She's like, do you know he took 55 percocet a day? Can you imagine the shits that guy took? You know how dried out your shits get when you're on opioids? Imagine the shits he didn't take, I think is what you're saying. Well, read the story. So he has a memoir, and that's why he's in the news a lot. There's two things that I read this week, and this first one you flagged.

He's, by the way, the least annoying person from Friends, and that's saying not much. What are you talking about? Oh, you didn't like him in Friends? No, he was, no, no. He was very funny. And Friends was not very funny. Don't get me wrong. No, I hated Friends.

No, but he was funny and all that. But Kudrow is the best thing on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was great. That's true. She was great. Yeah. Addiction struggles became so severe that he nearly died a few years ago at age 49 when

his colon burst from opioid overuse. He suffered a gastrointestinal perforation, and he spent two weeks in a coma and five months in the hospital, and I had to use a colostomy bag for nine months. The doctors told my family I had a 2% chance to live. I was put on a thing called an ECMO machine, which does all the breathing for your heart and lungs. That's called a Hail Mary. No one survives that. Well, if I was forced to read friend scripts every week,

I might need a little something to take the edge off. Here's a million dollars an episode, but you have to laugh when Joey says, how you doing? Week in and week out. Try not to take a fucking opioid now. All right. Not to nitpick, but if no one survives that, they should come up with a different name than Hail Mary.

Like, game over. Like, in football, it would be game over. But if there's a Hail Mary, everyone's going to keep watching because some people survive that. Yeah. But you know how Friends named their episodes? Like the one where Phoebe gets a job, the one where. Every Friends episode is the one where. Well, this one's called the one where chandler explosively shits himself

and falls into a coma it was the best one yeah it was pretty good um all right he told another story briefly about his acting technique and that he decided to do something early on where he wanted chandler to be very specific and you, and I guess actors struggle with this. Like, what can give depth to this character I'm doing? Like, what quirks? I think we talked last week or two weeks ago, like Travolta always thinks about the walk of this character. And the walk helps inform him.

We talked about someone else who, oh, it was Forrest Gump. Well, Hanks blew the accent, I think, on Elvis. But on Forrest Gump, he got it from the little kid who was local, who played young Forrest Gump. And that's when it clicked for him. Anyway, he talked about like, I do not like he would place emphasis on weird words. And then writers started, you know, news and they would underline words. But I heard something really interesting and I don't want to out the person who told me, but they worked with him when he was doing really well. As they said, at that time,

he was addicted to recovery. And I think he had a show about being in a support group and it was actually pretty good. And I'm forgetting what show it was. Doesn't matter though. Anyway, at that point he was like mumbling before he like did a line. Like he was like doing his lines before there was a take. And my friend goes to him. What do you,

you know what? It sounded like a mantra almost. Cause it wasn't the lines. And he's like, what are you? He's like, Oh, he's like ever since,

you know, before friends. And this will be interesting for everyone you do? He's like, Oh, he's like ever since, you know, before friends. And this will be interesting for everyone hearing this to go back and watch. Now he would say over and over, what would Michael Keaton do? What would Michael Keaton do? What would Michael Keaton do now? Good luck trying to watch Chandler without thinking of Michael Keaton. It's interesting. Chandler without thinking of Michael Keaton. It's interesting. It's unbelievable. Well, I think that's kind of what, um, what's his name did with Keith Richards when he did, uh, pirates of the Caribbean. That's exactly what he did. What's his name? Um, yeah, just, uh, got Johnny Depp just got out of trial. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the thing is you have to see

Keaton do comedy. Keaton would like lean in and actually place emphasis on words differently. And I was surprised he didn't bring this up in the book. And what I think is the reason this is could be total bullshit. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think it was much cooler to reference Michael Keaton before his giant comeback. You know what I mean? Oh, sure. You were giving credit to this guy who was a comedy legend in his day. Night Shift is one of the funniest movies of all time.

Oh, if you see Night Shift, that's Chandler. Yeah. For sure. Mr. Mom, all that stuff. Yeah. And his standup was really good. He had a hilarious standup. No, he's the shit.

He used to do this bit where he would walk out on stage and he'd go uh i don't really have much material and then he pulls out a piece of of uh gum from his pocket and he starts reading the the bazooka joe comic right and uh i i won't do it but look it up it's very funny yeah um so anyway james oh go on the show was called go on that was the which was which was a good show uh that he did he did it you know i looked i kind of went down the rabbit hole on him yesterday he was ranked number 14 as a amateur tennis player as a junior he was a great tennis player in canada yeah he was one of the best players in Canada, but he said he wasn't good enough for the American tour. But he had a decent career.

He did a bunch of good movies. Yeah. He seems like a very decent guy. He's like, if I told you that when Friends' last show was ramping up all the publicity for it, there was a, like, whatever, one of those bullshit entertainment news shows that NBC owned. And so they would do this series of interviewing the actors about the

end of friends and all that. And I remember, uh, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston were being interviewed and they were just rapid fire questions, like funniest moment. Like, what did you ever break? Best guest star, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, who will you miss the most or something like that? And they didn't answer. And they something weird was going on. Then they looked at each other and they both started choking up in this frivolous interview. up in this frivolous interview they got emotional and then they talked about him about matthew perry and how they just wish he loved himself as much as everybody else did like it was bad wow and and they kept it i can't believe it aired i saw that on tv it wasn't like i saw like an editor showed it to me or something yeah i couldn't believe it I just want to see the shot of Mario Lopez going into a fucking long, dead stare because he doesn't know how to handle real emotion in an interview. Spills his water on purpose. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jesus.

And what about the dogs? Do you have any dogs on the show? Oh, well, we all love them. And then the segue out of it james corden yeah we gotta talk about james corden your old boss yeah i love him mr might be mr nice guy on camera but according to one restaurant owner the dude's been incredibly nasty on more than one occasion while dining uh the keith mcnally who owns balvazar in New York City, went on attack on Instagram, calling him a cretin of a man for what he claims was abhorrent behavior at his establishment. Abhorrent. I don't like saying abhorrent.

Abhorrent. McNally says James demanded two free rounds of drinks for him and his friends after he presented a hair that was found in his food are you shitting me we eat at penmar when there's a hair in the food we just we just know tony's working the grill it's just this is why he's saying hello tony it's an italian joke um mcnally also claims james get he says james said get us another round of drinks for our second. Also, take care of all the drinks so far. This way, I won't have to put any nasty reviews on Yelp. What kind of accent was that?

I don't know. I hope James didn't say it like that. In another alleged episode, James went even crazier on employees. He flipped out when an egg yolk omelet his wife had ordered was found to have a little egg white in it. He has now been banned from Balthazar. Yeah. So listen. Oh, no.

Where's a millionaire in New York going to find another place to eat? I know. What is this guy, the soup Nazi? No hair for you. So when I read this, I'm like, oh'm like oh my god like what did he do and then i read through all this first of all that easily could have been a joke about like and make all our drinks free and that way i won't like write a bit like like like james corden has a yelp account but anyway listen uh full disclosure I am a very big fan of James's still. I consider him a friend.

He did a lot for me. I will now just speak about facts. I've never been on a show. I've rarely. Norm MacDonald was this way also, where the whole staff loved the host. And you and I certainly didn't share that experience at Ellen. And, um, and so that is my, and he was nothing but amazing. And I was on the front. I mean, I was his head writer and, you know, co-EP. I was there creating the show with him. And, uh,

I would have seen this. Does he sometimes get short of temper in rehearsal? Like every single one? Yes. Did he handle it better than, uh, almost every host I've ever been with? Yes. So, and I had other writers who worked on court and when this article came out, write to me and say, this, this doesn't sound like James to me. And I agreed. So this is probably almost for sure, not true. I thought for a minute, this might be a bit because James is friends with so many restaurant owners and, and people just people he encounters no matter where it is that the egg yolk omelet stood out to me. Like, is this a bit? And like, did they put that detail in there to be like, how could you not know this was made up? We put the detail of an egg yolk,

but I guess egg yolk omelets exist, but that used to be a punchline. Like, like, look at this guy. You only, you know, nice diet. He only eats egg yolks. Yeah. Uh, he didn't handle it. Well, the New York times did an interview that our friend sent us the link to. And, uh, the, it happened, the interview happened like the day after this thing blew up. And I guess he was very dismissive of it and said, look, do we really have to take this seriously? He's like, isn't this beneath the publication like the New York Times to even like talk about this shit? I'm with him on that. But that kind of blew up on him he was like that's not

how the public demands that you handle some fucking restaurateur sending out a tweet about you that blows up that supposedly you're supposed to show gravitas and you're supposed to get on a fucking bended knee and apologize and what's the owner of balthazar doing like in other words you don't want to send the message i I don't want high maintenance celebrities here. That's a message Balthazar does not want to send out because they have tons of them. Right. They should, collectively, celebrities should just not go there anymore. Also, you should not go, Greg.

Also, what is, let's look at, what is the worst case scenario here? The worst case scenario is everything is true. How, is this New York Times worthy? Right. Yeah. Is this anything worthy? Yeah. I mean, the problem is it's like Ellen where it's delicious to pop a bullshit image.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But there would be so many, like Ellen, so many people coming out now saying, yeah, finally, the floodgates are open. This guy was a dick to me. None of that's happening. Right. Right. And especially employees who see him at his most stressed.

So I'm not really into this. All right. And I think he might address it on his show. I think I could say this. I pitched him that he should do a do-over, and the first thing that's done over is the egg yolk omelet. Like, what the fuck is going on there? Yeah, yeah.

But anyway, he's been nothing but nice. And the crew loves him. The crew is the first usually to have complaints because a lot of hosts see them as less than. You know what I mean? They're just like, you know, generally more like laborers on set. And he's so nice to all of them. Let's do a little Make America Florida. All right.

America, Florida. All right. I think this is yours this week. A Florida man and his 14-year-old son were arrested on attempted murder charges and accused of shooting at an innocent woman after they received a mixed-up package at their door and suspected a burglar was breaking in. Gino Kalinowska, just say Italian, 73, and his son-

I think Gino did that. Yeah. And opened fire Saturday morning after they got a ring doorbell notification about someone at the front door of their Winter Haven apartment around 7 a.m. The person was a neighbor who received a medicine delivery for the colonoscopias at his home and being a good samaritan he uh he took the medicine and hung it on the colonostica's front door but after they got an alert from their camera the father and son left their home armed with 45 caliber firearms searching for a person they suspected to be a burglar a hundred yards away they found a woman looking at her phone

in a dark vehicle with dark windows and the engine running, and they targeted her. When she looks up and sees Gino standing at the back of the vehicle with a gun pointed at her, screaming for her to get out of the car, she thinks, he's about to carjack me. He's going to rob me, she said. The woman threw her car in reverse in an attempt to back out of the way and crashed into a car behind her in the frantic escape the teenage

son heard the commotion near the car and thought quote our victim is trying to back into him and he opened fire colonostica and his son started shooting into the car as the woman sped away. They shot seven times. The woman who was not hit alerted the sheriff's office. The investigation found that one of the bullets went through a baby's car seat and lodged in the driver's seat. Florida. Do people in Florida think life is like Grand Theft Auto? It used to be like stand your ground. Now it's run on any ground you want and randomly shoot at people.

Maybe those meds were really important and they got there a little late. Yes. I want to know what that prescription was for and how late it was. They shot seven times. What? Jesus Christ. And missed all seven. They're more dangerous than What? Jesus Christ. And missed all seven. They're more dangerous than you think.

Yeah. I mean, this whole idea of stand your ground is so out of control. Especially when you're running across properties and standing on someone else's ground. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's insane. I mean, all right. Oh, Florida.

All right, let's do some sports. Oh, Florida. Yeah, we are. There was no brotherly love for First Lady Jill Biden from Philadelphia Eagles fans last Sunday. Philadelphia, Philadelphians, here you go. Biden, who was raised just outside of Philly and doesn't hide her support for the city's pro teams, was greeted with boos as she took part in the coin toss prior to the matchup between the Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys. The first lady was serving as the Eagles honorary captain for the game

and was also present to promote the Biden administration's cancer moonshot initiative. She received a traditional greeting from the Philly faithful as she took the field with cancer patients, survivors and their families. All of whom were booed. Boo, you cancer patients. Fucking go Eagles. Boo, you one-titted freak. I mean, the first lady doesn't hide her love of the Philadelphia Eagles.

But what is it? She wants to take away tax cuts for the rich? Is that what these fucking cretins in Philadelphia, what is it they're booing her about? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what that poor woman's done. That she's his teacher? That she still works helping young kids?

Yeah. I mean, it's crazy. Honestly, even if you hate her husband, she is not hidden that she, I mean, she wears her Philadelphia Eagle pride on her sleeve and she's walking out there with cancer patients. What fucking morons, as always. Did you see I sent a clip this week to the string,

Tom O'Neill's from Pennsylvania, where Dallas played at Philly. And after the game, the Philadelphia Eagle fans are yelling. They're harassing this Cowboys fan who's on the side of the road. And then you hear these fucking meatheads like, I'm taking this fucking door off. And they floor it and take his door off his car where his door was open. Yeah. And they keep screaming and harassing him.

Then they turn around and they try to run him over yeah what assholes a man whose job is to help preserve japan cultural heritage, has accidentally smashed his car into the country's oldest toilet at a centuries-old Buddhist temple. That's it. I hope it wasn't a $1.7 million toilet. The ancient door was ruined after he hit the gas without realizing the car was in reverse, the Japanese press said. Well, you jumped ahead to international, pal. I'd like to hear the Bucs update, the Bucs bet update. Oh, shit.

I bet you do want to hear it because- Yes, I do. The first two games, are we in game six? Are we in season? You lost the first two games this season. I think we've played six. I lost. I was down 100.

You were down 100, and now you are up 100. With four wins in this bet in a row. So I was giving you eight and a half points, and we actually lost the game 2018 to Pittsburgh, and that's when Brady screamed at his offensive linemen i didn't take a private jet here on my own and you know chose not to travel with the team to fucking have you guys mail it in today i didn't miss practice on wednesday yeah fucking guy the country hates tom brady he is the new pariah.

It's not going well. It's not going. He has to play the victim card in this divorce, I think. Which he could. I think he could. Listen, I don't know what's going on there. Like, I mean, I don't even know what our listeners know. Like, I haven't read anything. But whether it's true or not, but he could play a. You know what? I respect her could play a, you know what? I respect her. You know, you go super positive on Giselle. I respect her.

Um, and you know, lover and you know what? In fairness to her, she gave me the ultimatum and, um, I just couldn't do it. I had one more year and now, you know, I'm just heartbroken over it. I think most people would side with him. I think the only way he wins this divorce case is if the Buccaneers win the Super Bowl. Because then it's like, all right, yeah, he had another year left in him. But the fact that the Bucs are like 2-3 right now, or 3-2, that doesn't look good for him leaving his family. But he has a built-in excuse.

It's her. The strife. If he had asked a woman, his wife, to stop working. You move out in preseason? She moves out or whatever happened? And we don't know what happened. Yeah. But if he had asked a woman to stop working, to stop her career, to stay at home with the kids, that would look really bad as well, wouldn't it?

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Yeah. If that was asked of Serena, you know, after she had just won and every record she can further solidify her reputation and name for the ages. Right. And it's like, we're talking about months. Now there are some differences and we don't know what we're talking about.

She might be very concerned about his mental health, about, you know, getting injured and stuff like that. We don't know. That's the card she should play for sure. Right. Um,

how did I become so good at playing divorce cards? Jesus. Let's get to this day in history. Yeah. There have been a lot of them. October 23rd, 1998, a doctor is killed by an anti-abortion radical. Dr. Barnett Slepian is shot to death inside his home in Amherst, New York. The killing marks the fifth straight year that an anti-abortion-providing doctor in upstate New York

became this victim of a sniper attack. Jesus. He just returned from religious services at their synagogue. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. When a bullet shattered the kitchen window and struck him in the back. So in the aftermath, at least four doctors in upstate New York quit practicing. A lot of people lost their jobs.

New York quit practicing. A lot of people lost their jobs. I just think it's amazing that these people are pro-life and they're killing doctors. But I also believe if I thought that abortion was murder, if I truly in my heart and in my brain considered it an act of murder that somebody was taking a fetus out, then what would I not do to stop it from happening anymore? Wait, I'm reading this story. I'm defending the guy. I'm saying if you believe that abortion is murder

it's a genocide against babies yeah and I don't believe it is murder but if you did I can see that you would murder somebody who's murdering babies every single day yes no no no I understand what happens

to a mentally imbalanced person when they, it could tip them over. Yes. Logically. They're called Christians. Oh boy. Uh, this guy that was 19, I'm reading the rest of your story or geez, that was 1998. And then he was not caught for years for two years. Oh. And they finally found him in Europe, and he was extradited from France on the condition he would not receive the death penalty like his victim. A cop whose defense argued he only intended to wound Sleepy and was convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to 25 years to life in prison. Hmm. Huh. prison. Hmm.

Huh. Wow. Yeah. All right. Well, that's five. That's the sniper attacks. And how many of them in upstate New York? Gee, in Connecticut.

God. A couple of letters to the editor. Yeah. Andy Pichard said, I messaged a couple months ago when you guys were doing the best first albums on Sunday Papers, and it wasn't mentioned. As you guys have been mentioning them,

whatever. Can't Buy a Thrill by Steely Dan is by far one of the greatest first albums. Yeah, it was. I listened to it. When I got this email, I listened to it again. It's this email, I listened to it again. It's pretty staggering, the hits that are on that album. And even the ones that aren't hits are

worth listening to. And I try to drill it into my kids' heads. Listen to albums. All they do is listen to single songs. They don't understand that an album is telling you a story. It's a time capsule. It's like there's a reason why these 10 songs or so were put together. They're meant to be listened to together. Totally. Michael Azar, I was reading through. Oh, this is just the clip we were talking about before. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the clip, the gangster granny.

So this guy is complaining about the debate over first albums. He says, the debate to me is about the best double album. This is from Carl. The thesis is for the debate is that good art requires self-editing. Let's take, for example, the White Album. Critically acclaimed and widely adored by Beatles fans as one of the greatest albums. This is, of course, bullshit.

For an album that delivers such hauntingly beautiful songs like Blackbird, Dear Prudence, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, to put them alongside absolute disasters like Back in the USSR, Why Don't We Do It on the Road, these songs shouldn't be on any album. I don't know if I agree with that. I like Why Don't We Do It on The Road these songs shouldn't be on any album I don't know if I agree with that I like Why Don't We Do It On The Road and Back In The USSR

and wait a minute what there was Honey Pie I think was on that album that was a fucking horrible song Honey Pie I know but I think it works for me the White Album is one of my favorite albums but I do view it maybe he would agree with me.

And I feel the same way about The Clash's Sandinista, and I feel the same way about Exile on Main Street. They seem to be like an artist's notebook during an incredibly prolific time where they just record everything. Yeah, Sandinista feels like a sketch pad. Sandinista is a triple album, by the way. Yeah, it's incredible.

They should have edited it. I agree with them on that one. But their first album, London Calling, was a double album. Was that their first album? No, no, no. It was their fourth album, I think. So London Calling was a double album, and that was solid. Unbelievable, yeah. Here's some other great double albums.

If you want to send in your entries for best double album, we'll be reading those next week. Here are the obvious ones. Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness by the Smashing Pumpkins. Holy shit. Yeah. What an album. The Wall by Pink Floyd, obviously.

Physical Graffiti, which is my favorite Zeppelin album, is a double album. Where does Blonde on Blonde fall for you among the Dylan screeds? Listen, it's super important and great and all that, but it's not one of my go-tos at all. I've really been playing late Dylan lately, but another side of Bob Dylan just levels me and bringing it all back

home, I think is my, one of my favorites. Is that a double though? No, no, no, none of those are double. No, no. He did have a double album. You can't count it. It was Greatest Hits 2, but he had new material on there and it was fantastic and unreleased, you know, unreleased songs. And so that was interesting, like to put that on a greatest hits album. But yeah, I don't know the white album. Wait, I was just going to look up the white album. Yeah. Glass Obladi Oblada. I mean, it was definitely, you know, some fun light stuff on there as well. Yes.

Happiness is a warm gun, Martha, My Dear. I'm so tired. I fucking love that song. Rocky Raccoon, Don't Pass Me By. Julia, Birthday. Everybody's got something. Sexy Sadie, Helter Skelter. Oh my God, are you kidding me?

Revolution. It's great. Yeah. Yeah, Martha, my God. Are you kidding me? Revolution. It's great. Yeah. Yeah. Martha, my dear. Two other great double albums. Speakerbox, which you remember that by Outkast. Oh, yeah. Two albums. One of the albums was Big Boy. And then the second album was, what's his name? Who's the other guy from Outkast? Andre. Yeah, Andre 3000.

And so one of them was more jazzy and experimental, and the other one was a little bit more hip-hop. Great double album. Songs in the Key of Life from Stevie Wonder, 1976. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? And Ellen DeGeneres' favorite album, she used to always say. I think she was told to say that.

Obituary, no obituaries. Nobody died this week, so let's go right to the funnies. It's just not true, but okay. Lockhorns. And that's all, folks. Oh, I know what I was going to talk about in the obituaries. If you want to look it up, Jerry, Jerry Lee Lewis, who's one of the godfather, you know, the sort of Mount Rushmore of rock and roll. He I did not know he was still alive.

And there he has an Instagram account. If you go there, you'll see a very touching picture. He was inducted finally into the Country Music Hall of Fame. He identifies most, he said in his acceptance speech with country. Anyway, his acceptance speech is on Instagram. And he got the flu. He's very old and he lives in Memphis. And he was too sick to go to Nashville to be

inducted in person into the Hall of Fame there. So Chris Christopherson went to his bedside and presented him with the Hall of Fame plaque. And Christopherson looks so old also, but it's a touching photo. So in a weird way, we're giving a shout out and props to someone who's still with us, who, who probably won't be with us for long. But, um, when he does pass, I mean, there's a lot of his personal life you can talk about and there'll be a lot of detractors, but oh my God, that guy kind of was, uh, opened the floodgates of like rock and roll. It's very similar in a way to Little Richard in that this guy is fucking bringing it. Yeah. With a rock and roll spirit.

Bringing it. I mean, he has such an influence on the Beatles and so many bands that started out of England. Elvis. Yeah. Right. So I hope he doesn't listen to the podcast as we predict his imminent death.

Well, I have a prediction. This is not going to go well, but everyone's going to die. There you go. The Lockhorns, Leroy and Loretta, are sitting in a restaurant, and there's a waiter at the next table. And Leroy goes, I want what they're having, a waiter. I thought he was going to say silence. And the next one, he's eating dinner with his lovely wife who has just prepared a meal for him.

And he goes, I think your Swiss steak has renounced neutrality and gone on the offensive like who fucking eats dinner alone with their wife and shits on it what an asshole look at him drinking milk another restaurant scene hager the horrible is sitting there with lucky and he goes why did you drag me to this restaurant again? The food is still lousy. And then a waitress comes over, and Lucky goes, and I still have a crush on the waitress. And she is wearing a skirt that has clearly been torn at and ripped, and she has bruises on the back of her thighs and arms. She's dressed pretty contemporary i gotta say that shirt is very like 1970s and she's in

i don't even know she's in uh viking times i don't even i'm so illiterate i don't know what times those are i know in the hairstyle she's got like uh blondie in the 70s kind of hairstyle yeah um all right should we do a far side yeah i've talked about this before but i thought i'd Blondie in the 70s kind of hairstyle. Yeah. All right, should we do a far side? Yeah, I've talked about this before, but I thought I'd officially put it in here. But this is one of my favorites ever. So it's two jungle explorers, and they show up at this campsite that is just torn apart. And you see, like, paper on trees or ripped code.

You see a hat up in the tree. And so the guy goes, here's the, and they pick up a journal off the ground and they're both looking into the journal. And the caption says, here's the last entry in Carlson's journal, quote, having won their confidence tomorrow, I shall test the humor of these giant, but gentle primates with a simple joy buzzer handshake.

gentle primates with a simple joy buzzer handshake. It's so good. It is so, so good. All right. Here's a family circus. All right. Guess what? You might not shit on it.

It looks like it is from like the first year that Bill Keen started doing the family i'm seeing it in black and white i have not seen the caption you have a dad yeah they're very different characters the dad walks in the door and they're coming from a cold it looks like maybe they were at a game or something because the two little kids have like penance in their hands. He has a towel on his arm and he's still in his coat. A blanket. And then she's answering the mom as is, has been home with the baby. And I don't, she has towels in her hand. I don't know what she's holding in her hands. So I will not have a good guess at this caption, but the kid's mouth is open. So he's probably saying, Mom, you missed it. Dad slept through the whole game.

I have no idea what this little kid could be saying. Well, first of all, you're leaving out that the dad is no longer the, like, clean-cut father that we're used to seeing. No, he's grizzled. He has, like, a double-. He has like a double chin grizzle and a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. This is a different family circus. This is before Bill Keen got fucking pasteurized. I do see a football on the program the kid's holding.

So I would have only put that detail in there if there was a joke. Probably something involving, he loves wordplay, pigskin or something like that. That's my final answer. So the caption is, the little kid says, and we each had a bottle of soda. Daddy brought his own in his pocket. Whoa.

Whoa. Not your family's family circus. Maybe Bill Keen's son Is ruining this Maybe that's what we're learning I would accept that I like that one I've never ever said that

Yep Here's what I'll never say I liked Blondie this week Especially when Dagwood's in it This should be our last podcast What's going on He's in bed and should be our last podcast what's going on he's in bed and he's wearing guess what donut pajamas like a fucking six-year-old and he's got a laptop open she's reading a book and he says it says here that more people get their news from

facebook than anywhere else these days she goes i have to say I'm not surprised. And he goes, Facebook? She goes, where did you read that? And he goes, Facebook. Okay, first of all, your face shouldn't be in a computer. It should be buried between those golden thighs. She's wearing a violet halter top with frills on the shoulder strap. And he's laying in bed with this fucking goddess with a laptop. If she was in my bed, do you think the only electronics I would be bringing in there would be shaped like a penis

and have three double D batteries in them? That's a heavy, heavy vibrator. That's right. That's right, and that's the anal one. That's sold at Home Depot. What a waste. What a goddamn waste. That's the anal one.

I wish I could take over this cartoon for just a week. And let me write up some scenarios. Yeah. I bet you could do well. I bet it would be banned from every single paper in the country. Yeah. All right. Listen.

We want you guys to tell your friends about the podcast pump it up spread the word we are available uh the video is on youtube every week uh and then we also are putting clips up on instagram every week we hope you enjoy those they're in the uh fitz dog no greg fitzsimmons on instagram follow me there follow mike Mike at GibbonsTime. You got it, pal. And support our sponsors, the great people over at HelloFresh.com

slash Paper65 to get 65% off free shipping. We want to thank Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, and Key and John, who do a great job turning out this baby every week.

Absolutely. Mike, anything you want to promote? Yes. Just do it. Right now, you just listen to this podcast. Just fire up American Movie. You will thank me. Good.

We'll check in with you again next week. Thanks for hanging out with us. God bless America. Thank you, guys. And everyone should take a dish. Take a dish! There it is. Read all about it!

There he goes. Hot off the presses! The Sunday Papers!