Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 139 11/13/22

Episode Date: November 13, 2022

Twitter has been co-opted by pranksters, Amazon has been taken over by robots and Andy Dick has commandeered power tools from a strangers garage. Meanwhile a sitcom star has upgraded to porn and KFC is excited about the holocaust.

It's just a Sunday, it's just a Sunday with your host Craig and Mike. It's just a Sunday, it's just a Sunday with your host Craig and Mike. I'm going to clap in at three. So we're no clap sound at all. Anyway, three, two, one. There's that and i couldn't hear your clap sound either so there we go i think it it has a high end you know limit thing it filters it out all right read all about it read all about it hot off the presses racist either there's more racist or more people reporting on it but there seems to be a lot of racism.

Read all about it. What happened? I leave you alone for three seconds. What happened? Check, check. Apparently people are racist. Check, check. Maybe a little less so than they thought after the midterms.

Who knows? Right. Who knows what those election results mean? My goodness gracious. I switched to Fox News when the results were coming in, and I expected, you know, like I expect from all of them, CNN, MSNBC, to be very partisan and to be sort of couching it the way they want and making excuses.

Dude, they were devastated. On Fox News. And I have to say, it was very refreshing. And they would say incredibly damning things about the Republican Party. And a couple of the talking heads, like they had political campaign gurus. And he's like, as bad as this country is, as bad as Biden is, as bad as inflation is and the price of gas. And, you know, and he goes on and on and on. And he goes, America looked at us and is like, no, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, come on. And he's like, and also we put

up shit candidates. And anyway, they were being way more brutal than MSNBC or CNN. My wife was watching MSNBC and I didn't watch much of anything. And I just saw that they were on a panel and they were giddy about how they hadn't done too badly. And then this one guy starts shitting on Mitch McConnell and calls him the worm. And I was just like, you know what? That's not what we're trying to do here. Stop with the fucking name calling. Don't be fucking childish. Let's elevate the discourse and let's try to find a way to stop the hatred

and the vitriol and all that bullshit. Not that we don't get like that a little. I think we're very restrained on our show, but it doesn't matter. It's got to stop. And MSNBC, I'm not one of those people that says they're as bad as Fox News, but they're but they're still bad. They're clearly not as bad when it comes to facts, but they're they're outrageously partisan. I mean, they keep saying we. I'm like, wait a minute. Is it supposed to be news? Well, if we get if we get six more seats, then it's like, guys, at least pretend.

Which one do you think is safest for nonpartisan information? Al Jazeera. I'm actually not joking. But I think BBC maybe. I mean, I used to know more what I was talking about. I like The Guardian. I do think NPR, but, you know, I know that went through a lot of changes. But there are some places that are also, by design, less editorial because everything we're talking about is editorial. Yeah. When Tucker Carlson was sued, they literally, the defense was, we're not news. No person in their right mind could think Tucker Carlson like he was a source of news information. It's entertainment. So and they're kind of right. And so is CNN and so is MSNBC. All right. Well, listen, remember McNeil-Lair? Do you remember those guys? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, so great. I love I love Dan Rather's tweets now also. I don't remember anything. I am going through a period of there's a thing called prosopagnosia which is when you don't recognize faces and i really feel like i have a low degree of that huh i go to the comedy store and every night i come home and Aaron goes, how was it? And I go, I forgot somebody who I'd worked with three times and they came up to me and I introduced myself to them. And I don't know how to handle it

because when you're at the store, you got so many different comedians talking to you and it's not like I'm trying to talk to anybody. I'm just getting from my car to the stage, but it's lined with comedians and it's fucking so hard because there's people that show up that are you know they were guys or girls that feet girls yeah and uh i just they featured for me once three years ago in baltimore and i have no recollection but it could also be somebody I worked with the week before,

and I just don't remember their faces. Well, when you went up to Joe Rogan scratching your chin, like you were in news radio, right? Oh, my memory is shit, and I take Alpha Brain every day. I take Lion's Mane, which is a mushroom to help you brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do Sudoku. I don't know.

I think I'm getting... Can you imagine losing your mind? Well, this is a deep tease. We're going to talk about Severance. I just finished it last night. Oh, yeah. And it's my new favorite show. Yeah.

It's great. Maybe you've been severed, Greg. Maybe when you enter the store, it's like entering work on that show and you are a different person. Well, I think that there's something to that. I think that once you are aware or afraid of forgetting, you freeze up and you get worse at it because, Oh, that's my life. You know that about me. Yeah. Mine's panic. Mine is, you know, of course I want to be a people pleaser. And so social situations, I don't, I don't look it because I've, I've developed all these tools and I also, there's no upside to trying a name. I'm terrified of getting it wrong. Yeah. So I just, I just, I'm not going to use names and that's what gets me through parties and stuff.

But people also detect your level of excitement at seeing them. And yeah, it's very subtle. And if you're a little bit off, they know it. Like there is an energy level that is specific to your guy's relationship based on the last time you saw each other, what you joked about, what you shared. And then when you see them, if it's below that or above that, they sense it. And now you're a phony. And I think one of the things in the human condition is that we don't want to be seen as inauthentic because there's something about being inauthentic that maybe gets you thrown out of the tribe and you die. There's something very survival-based about being authentic.

Well, I'm just glad my name is on the bottom of the Zoom for you, just in case you ever lose your way during this. Well, Neil Brennan told me when he directs, he has everybody on the set wear name tags. I love that. By the way, shout out to his new special. He's got a new special on Netflix that's very good. As long as he is also wearing a name tag. I would imagine.

With Neil? I hope. Have you seen his special? No. I haven't even seen the three mics. Was that what it was? Oh, three mics. Yeah, he's got a billboard up in Times Square,

a giant billboard with his face on it. How much did that cost him? Come on. We love Neil. I did a pilot with Neil, and it was very funny, and Comedy Central should have totally picked it up. Speaking of being old, how's your hip, old man? Good. We're not going to talk about it much this week, but I'm on the other side of it.

I mean, I can't take the bandage off for two weeks. So I mean, it's like I'm getting ready to go into like a Chernobyl site when I get ready to shower. Cause I have to tape it. I have to put saran wrap over the bandage. So the bandage doesn't get wet. So showering is ridiculous. And then I like, I put the handheld thing on. So it's like a fire hose, you know, and very specific. I'm off the pain meds. Um, but you know, not that long, but to me, Advil is like better than the oxy, uh, just cause I think I need more anti-inflammatory. You know what I mean? Anyway, it's going well. I'm psyched to see like walking physical therapy. You know what a bastard that is like, they exactly isolate the weakest part of whatever your dynamic is in that area. So, uh, they'll be like,

all right, that's great. So we're just going to do this simple thing. And she shows it to me. And it's like, so this is the, this is one of them. You put a chair with its back facing you and it has a, it has like a regular size back height back. You back away from it. And then just you go up on one leg and then alternate hands touching the back corners of the chair. And I'm like, yeah, no problem. Duh. Total disaster. When my left leg was down and just trying to alternate, never letting the other foot hit the ground. So there's things like that where they, they watch you.

Anyone who's been physical therapy knows what I'm talking about. They watch you and they're like, okay. I can remember when my shoulder broke, it was like, Hey, here's a one pound dumbbell. I'm like,

I didn't know they made one pound dumbbells. And I'm like, yeah, what? And they're like, so just turn it like this. Like you're pouring out a beer, extend your arm and pour out a beer and then just lift up and down. And I'm like, yeah, what? And they're like, so just turn it like this. Like you're pouring out a beer, extend your arm and pour out a beer and then just lift up and down. And I'm like, guys, honestly, I could do this for three days. And they come over like,

wait, try it like this. And then it was like, I could barely get to 10 with a one pound weight. Right. Right. Yeah. So anyway, things are great. I, no complaints Glad I did it. Walking around. Can you jerk off? Tried twice. And one time it was over a half hour and never made it to the finish line. And I was on Oxy. And I was really because what happens is when you get past 20 minutes, you're like, well, I didn't do this for nothing. And I'm going to be so frustrated. Well, cut to 29 minutes if you want to see frustration. And I was livid. I was so angrily masturbating. It was ridiculous. Furiously.

Furiously. That's when you start to find your kink. Because, like, anybody can just type porn or lesbian porn and start watching. And if you're a young buck, you're good, you're good. But now all of a sudden it's 12 minutes and you're going, all right, I guess Asian lesbian porn and you're not quite there.

And then all of a sudden it's stepmom, Asian porn with big tits. I mean, you start to really hone in on what you love. If you're on there 30 minutes, I can't imagine the subcategories you were searching. Right, no, I just, yeah, exactly. I just put in Holocaust and then finally made it.

I was trying to think. I was like 9-11, Tower 2, but Louis C.K. had a joke similar to that, so I was trying to find which one it could be. A princess died tunnel, and then done. And then you start crying. Yeah. Yeah.

So I got to decide. Kevin Pollak came on my podcast yesterday. Legend. Legend. Legend. Dude. Yeah. No, he's a legend. You know how many movies he did in the 90s?

A few good men. I know that. He did 40 movies in the 90s. Wow. He got awarded. People Magazine called him the hardest working man in show business. And he's got six seasons on this Maisel show. And just the greatest fucking guy.

Lives around the corner. We hang out sometimes. And he invited me to his poker game, but it's like kind of a celebrity poker game. They have, it's catered. They have a professional dealer, a massage chair. And I think the stakes are kind of high, but he's like, look, come once.

Don't bet a lot and see what happens. So I'm debating whether or not it's worth going. A hundred percent you should go. Also, you're good at poker. I'm okay. But he was in the Poker World Championship and finished, like, placed pretty high. Kevin Pollock. Yeah.

I wonder, he and Norm must have been at a table. I'm sure they were. Norm is the easiest mark, though, because he is an outlier better. It was always long shots and the outlier, and he would also probably bluff to no end. You know what I mean? Right, right. And that's why he always lost so big.

Yeah, those guys are tough to have in a game because you just, you never know where they really stand. And they can cost you a lot of money chasing them. People who know a lot about poker will be frustrated by all this talk. But I remember some, right, to your point, I remember at one point, one strategy, or someone threw off a well-known game because, let's say it was Texas Hold'em.

They didn't even turn over their two cards, and they just stayed in. Like crazy. Really? So the whole table, including them, had no idea what was there. Yeah. And it threw off the whole, because you can also be scared of that. Yep. Yeah, I think I better start playing online Texas Hold'em to brush up.

Well, you have good poker friends. I would call them for some lesson. You know, there's little tricks. Like, yeah, you know, they say to do this, but I don't do that when I have, you know, low whatever, hearts or something. Yeah, right. We play stupid games. We play Chicago, low spade in the hole, follow the queen, anaconda, AC Ducey. We play a lot of bullshit games.

What do you think their night is like? They just play Texas Hold'em. Oh, wow. Okay. And it's strip poker, by the way. Well, Gubbins goes to a lot of games. Yep. And then he runs into, I'm trying to think of usual names I hear out of him,

but people, yeah, we know people in regular games for sure. This week's logo based on your hip is unbelievable. I would say top three logos we've ever gotten. Michael Solomon, thank you so much for the effort. I love it. Look at my sweater. Jesus. Did Oxy really do that to me? And he sent me a video of him making it. He actually did it with cardboard cutouts and like a diorama. Yes. And that bottle is real. He didn't Photoshop anything. The song from Mitchie Mitch.

That's amazing. What did you think of the song from Mitchie Mitch this week? Funky. I mean, very, you know, quirky. Quirky. I like it. I like it. Fits the show.

Let's do some corrections. This is from Davey in Scotland. It was actually the brilliant Chris Morris that interviews Stuart Lee on his TV show, not Armando Iannucci. interviewed him. There was another, there was another series. And I think the series I'm talking about, he might be right. Maybe that was Chris Morris, but then there was another one where Iannucci goes after him. Okay. You would love this because it's like, they're real standup questions and like, are you exploiting it? Like, are you making, you know, like anyway, and and he gets, he tries, he really asks, has himself, basically, super hard questions, calling him a sellout, all that stuff. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I want to see that. Andy in San Diego, wishing nothing but the best in Mike's gender transition. I mean, hip replacement surgery. I did have a bone removed. Last day game inside 1987. St. Louis at the Twins and the Metrodome. That was a day game. We asked about if there's ever been a day game in the World Series.

Last day game outside was in 84. Padres at Tiger Stadium. Last day game on a weekday, 1972, Reds at Oakland. Yeah, but fuck Dagwood and fuck me for giving you correct info on sports. When I say I listen to the show, I expect the gospel truth on sports from you too. So just say the last game was in Seattle last year. Well, there would have been later day games if the Cubs ever made it to the World Series. And I'm going to say,

when do you think the Cubs put in lights? 94? Yes, 1994. Here goes the sports world. Sports world's going, are you fucking idiots? I have no idea when it was. I mean, I do know it was around that,

give or take five years. Yeah. I do know was around that give or take five years. Yeah. We got somebody who I forgot to write their name down. Dave. Dave said, look, man, I've tried, but no avail. Bernie Taupin's lyrics are great.

At least that is what my wife thinks. The one is a song we argue about all the time, and I agree with Mike about Bernie, how his lyrics are somewhat trivial, but The One is legit, according to Mama, and she says Mike is full of shit. What say you? So here's the lyrics.

He calls his wife Mama? Yeah. Dave doesn't sound like a Latino name, but okay. Well, Elton John also calls his boyfriend a girl in most of the songs. And mama. Here's the lyrics. I saw you dancing out the ocean, running fast along the sand. Wait, ocean or sand? I'm already confused.

Right. A spirit born of earth and water, fire flying from your hands. Wow, he's using all the elements here, huh? Mm-hmm. In the instant that you love someone, in the second that the hammer hits, reality runs up your spine and the pieces finally fit. And all I ever needed was the one. I mean, listen, I actually don't even know. Like I'm pretending I'm Elton John and I'm just staring at this. I'm like, this is adequate for

a seventh grader. Maybe, maybe eighth grade, like a seventh grader, maybe eighth grade, you know, like, listen, I was head of, believe it or not, of my poetry magazine thing in high school. So I did bad poetry. I know, I know, I recognize when you're trying to use metaphor and now, and then clearly this, this little exercise was on imagery. Um, I don't know what he wants me to say. OK. I'm sure. OK. And this is the best. This is, according to her, the one that is unassailable. This is the best one. I would say to Dave, not that this is a competition. And Dave surely agrees that this awful writing, you know, like it's unfair to bring Bob Dylan into it. But if you looked at Tangled Up in Blue,

when he realized the connection he had with a woman, like he read a book of poems and it was like it was written in my soul from me to you and every one of those words were like burning coal, pouring out of the lake. Like, you know, it's just next level. It's 16 next levels up. Right.

Can you imagine? Again, this points to Elton John. Imagine if Elton John had a good lyricist. I mean, his songs are like, I'm not in your camp. I find a lot of the lyrics to be insipid and hacky, but I also just think he's so good. I really enjoy Elton John quite a bit. He's a genius.

As you've pointed out, my favorite song of his is Funeral for a Friend, which is mostly... No lyrics. It has very few lyrics in it. Maybe, you know what? This is now my new theory on that song. Maybe Funeral for a Friend came and it was the worst piece of shit ever. And Elton just started playing and kept looking and trying. It was like, fuck those words, man. No, there is no room for those words in this piece of genius that just flew out of my fingertips.

Right, right, right. That's what I like to think. Yeah. This just in from Chris Denman, the Cubs' first night game was in 1988. Well, oh, I missed the five years. It would have been 1989. Okay. Yeah.

I got some tour dates coming up, folks. Thanks for coming out to San Francisco last weekend. Are we talking about that later, Gubbins? Yeah, we'll talk about that later. Tampa Bay, Florida. Side splitters. Great fucking club. Very cool staff.

I love the staff there. I'll be there November 17th to the 19th. Oklahoma City, December 1st. And Hyenas in Fort Worth, Texas, December 2nd and 3rd. Also got dates coming up in Portland and Philly in December. Look at FitzDawg.com to get all your tickets and come out and support live comedy.

Speaking of support, Mike, you want to talk to us about Audible a little bit? Well, love Audible. And I'm not just saying that because they're a sponsor. Love them. So here's the new one that I downloaded. I think I have it on here. This is a perfect example of Audible, although I mean, I use it for everything, but here's Matthew Perry's new, whatever, Matthew Perry's new book. Do I want to like hunker down

and stay inside and like curl up with his book? Or do I want to listen to it whenever I want? Hear him tell me, he reads it, hear him tell me about his drug escapades and really very serious issues with drugs while I'm going on walks, while I'm driving around. That's totally how I'm going to consume a book like that. And there's so many examples. Did I ever tell you the one where I got Keith Richards for Christmas? I got the Keith Richards book because I told my family I want that book, his memoir. And then I heard he, Johnny Depp reads it, part of it, but also Keith Richards reads it. And Keith Richards would go off script.

And I'm like, done. I never even cracked the book. I went right to listening to Keith Richards go off script, reading his, are you kidding me? Yeah, I know. So there's certain,

there's certain ones that take it to the, I mean, Norm takes us to the next level with his, with his reading of the audio book, David Sedaris books read by him are incredible because he does one man shows. So he's used to doing that um right now i'm listening to uh elvis presley's book slow train to memphis oh wow oh my god it's i mean i sit in i i drive to and from hollywood every night so i got like a half hour each way every night and i listen to it in the car and

there's times i just sit in this in the comedy store parking lot listening because it's a big moment in the story. Same thing happened to me with James Burroughs, who I worked with. But anyway, he's a he's the Spielberg of sitcoms and which literally Spielberg called him about that because it's been he's been called that. So anyway, so it's very interesting, though, of hearing especially the latke stories from Taxi. Yeah, yeah. And you don't hear this firsthand account. And then James Burroughs reads it. And so it's just amazing hearing the creation of Cheers, you know, and all those stories. It's great. Well, Audible has an incredible selection of audiobooks across every genre from bestsellers and new releases to celebrity memoirs, mysteries, and thrillers. Motivation, wellness, business, change your life, improve your life with Audible.

As an Audible member, you can choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog the latest bestsellers, new releases. Members also get full access to a growing selection of included audiobooks, Audible originalsals and so on and now you can even listen to sunday papers on audible how how cool is that all i didn't even know content in one app yeah i guess they're listening to us on audible now all righty let audible help you discover new ways to laugh, be inspired, or be entertained. New members can try it for free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 slash 500 or hyphen 500. That's audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 hyphen 500 to try Audible free for 30 days.

Audible.com slash papers. Nice. Mike, have you started shopping for the holidays yet? I actually have. Really? Well, I was in Costco, and every year I get my brother-in-law this stupid ornamental tequila case

that looks like it's like a silver briefcase. It looks like what you would like run in. Like if you're on a heist, there'd be tools in this thing. And there's four tequila bottles from Patron anyway. So I grabbed it. Costco, man. But I haven't. This seems like a great gift.

I'll tell you what. I am staying online for my shopping this year. I don't need to fight with Karens. I don't need to tempt myself that I'm going to shoplift. I can't steal from my own home. So here's a thing that is for everyone. It's a stalker stuffer that's not a candle for once. Raycons are the way to go.

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Let's get to the front page. Do you have paper? Do I have paper? Extra! Extra! We all have got it! Extra! Extra!

Of course I got paper. I'm trying to see if this first story was front page. Top story. Here it is. So I grabbed this story. I was just looking up to see. It looked like it was front page.

Can you imagine a busier news week to waste a front page? But anyway, it was a very big coverage regardless of where it was. SNL staff writers boycott over Dave Chappelle's hosting gig. I'm just reading what the post says. There's unrest at 30 Rock page six here's over the decision to sign up Dave Chappelle to host Saturday Night Live this weekend. We're told that some staff writers are so furious

that the comedy superstar who has made transphobic and homophobic jokes has been chosen to helm the iconic show that they're sitting out the episode. Quote, they're not going to do the show, but none of the actors are boycott boycotting. But Chappelle's rep told us that there was nothing to suggest that there was a boycott. And they attended the writers meetings last week. This week, SNL revealed last week that the Chappelle show star would host the show with musical guests, Beck,

blah, blah, blah. So I think this is a total bullshit story. I think it's, I think like the New York, the New York post is trolling and they're just trying to stir up shit. And here we are repeating it.

Yeah. But I guess we're pointing out, we're not, we're not like sort of paying, you sort of paying it forward like a real story. We're kind of calling them out on it. Well, I got a friend who works over there who said that he's not aware of any writers not working. Right. So I think it's a non-story.

I think, you know, and if they do leave, let them fucking go. Fire them. Fuck you. Comedians don't get offended. Real comedians don't get offended. They make a joke. If they don't like it, they make a joke about it. Write a sketch.

You don't like Dave Chappelle? Write a sketch on next week's episode. Walk out. You don't like Dave Chappelle? Write a sketch on next week's episode. Walk out. Also, I bet the people who were, let's say there were people who were thinking about it,

how about just do your usual writing that week? Odds are you're not going to get anything on the show. Right. It's almost like a boycott. Yeah, well, I don't know. I'm just sick of this new brand of comedian that would walk out of a show. Cut the shit. Green Rooms used to be like a fucking Friars Club roast.

We used to sit there and bust balls, racial stuff, sexual stuff, whatever. And everybody got that it was a joke, that it was ironic, that we were fucking around. And now, I swear to God, I've offended more comedians. They sit around talking about their tiktok followings and their deal with fucking uh hulu or whatever some bullshit just you know it whatever do you just run out of steam i i just don't want to sound like the bitter old guy. Things used to be better, but things comedy used to be funny. I agree. I agree. And it's hard to articulate, which has been said forever.

It's hard to talk about comedy without killing it. But I don't know when it's people. Sometimes, especially in a room, there's a bigger, there's a we, and I think there's, there's too many me's in the room now, regardless of the issue, there's too many me's in the room. And it's like, wait a minute. Um, that applies to me, or that applies to a friend of mine or whatever it is. And it's like, no, that's a, you can't go there. I'm like, I don't know. I think there's creative ways to go everywhere. And especially if you're on the right side of the issue. You're going to ban a word from when you're...

I always go back to the all in the family. So Archie Bunker's a bigot, so he can't be on TV. I think you're missing the whole point. Right. So anyway. I think Chappelle should come out in a dress wearing lipstick and just triple down on this whole thing. That would be huge. Yeah.

And not acknowledge it. Just do his monologue. What do you think his monologue is going to be about? Today's Saturday morning. What do you think his monologue is going to be about? Today's Saturday morning. What do you think his monologue is going to be about? Well, you know, the last two times he came on was after an election. He came on right after Trump was elected. And I think he came on after the other midterm before that.

So he's kind of like their go-to guy to talk about some politics. Yeah, I wonder. And I wonder what his take would be. Oh, yeah. I guess he'll talk about Kyrie Irving and Kanye. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He probably has some pretty good Kanye jokes, I imagine. Yeah. Maybe, yeah. Maybe he'll talk about Twitter. Yeah. Chris is on it. I like Chris's guesses. I should write some jokes for Dave and send them to him.

Speaking of Twitter, Twitter is struggling to keep up with the RK. This is my favorite story all week. Twitter is struggling to keep up with the impersonator accounts following the new CEO Elon Musk's revamp of the platform's verification system. Users have noticed a wave of accounts easily being able to impersonate celebrities by changing the name on their account and paying to get a blue tick next to it. So one of the first ones that appeared was Nintendo and Nintendo had the

picture of Mario from Mario Brothers giving the finger. So someone went even as far creatively to change that. Okay. You ready? LeBron James with the blue check next to his name asked for a trade. He thanked like Laker nation. He was so appreciative, but it's time to move on to a new challenge. Yeah. Let's see. There are, all right, what I have to call, I have to call up the website that has them. So in other words, like. Here, here's what's crazy is you're getting comedians coming

onto a site. How many degrees of reality do we have here? Actors who pretend to be someone else that they're really not are having their accounts hacked by other people pretending to be someone else that they're really not are having their accounts hacked by other people pretending to be someone that they're not on a platform that won't let you say whatever you want. Yeah, but they're very, I don't know. I'm loving this. They're very creative. A lot of people pretend it to be Elon Musk. I know Sarah Silverman and a million people tried to pretend it to be Elon Musk. Yep. Well, OK, did you see Pepsi? Pepsi with the blue check. Blue check. Just simple tweet. Coke is better. That is so perfect. Hold on. They're great ones. Okay. This was from, hold on. What's the name of the drug company that makes insulin? No, no, no. It's Lilly. So it's Eli Lilly. They go, we are excited to announce insulin is free now. And their stock immediately plummeted four and a half percent no yes no shit yep um which is which is amazing lockheed martin um you know who makes all of the the air you know

the aerospace we will begin halting all weapons sales to saudi, Israel, and the United States until further investigation into their record of human rights abuses. American Girl with the checkmark posted, Felicity owned slaves. Chiquita Banana with the blue check. We apologize to those who have been served a misleading message from a fake Chiquita account. We have not overthrown a government since 1954. This is Ben Shapiro with a blue check. The difference between sex and gender is I've never wanted to have gender with my sister.

sex and gender is I've never wanted to have gender with my sister. Here's Nestle. Nestle. It looks like Nestle's official account with the blue check. We steal your water and sell it back to you. LOL. Okay. This is my favorite.

Ted Cruz. This is a, this is a conversation between Ted Cruz and Ben Shapiro. Ted Cruz. This is a, this is a conversation between Ted Cruz and Ben Shapiro, Ted Cruz. This, this is so well-written Ted Cruz. The first time I entered my human wife, that's, that's the opener. The first time I entered my human wife, I said, groaning into her ear, this is exactly how mother said it would feel. Ben Shapiro goes, oh my God, you got me kind of horny right now, Mr. Cruz. Oh wait, shit, where'd the rest of it go? Hold on. I had to click on it. Sorry. Oh my God, you got me kind of horny right now. Oh, it doesn't show. Hold on. Let me go on. I'm not finding it. Then Ted

Cruz responded anyway. All these articles where they grabbed screen, grabbed the tweets are so frustrating. Bush, George W. Bush, simple tweet with his blue check. I miss killing Iraqis. They're so great. So great. The rest of that Ted Cruz message was, Ted Cruz says, Have you ever tasted the entrails of a man, Ben? There is no carnal pleasure as delectable. They're amazing. But there's a lot of sports ones. Jesus Christ, who has two thumbs up and is verified?

Who has two thumbs and is verified? Are you going to pay $8 to keep your check? I never got a check. Oh, you don't have a check? No. Will you buy one now for $8? I don't think so. No. Apparently after this shit show, no way.

I wonder if Twitter will go away. I mean, the thing about social media platforms is, like, they ain't forever. Ask MySpace. Ask Periscope. Ask, you know, they last maybe five, six, seven years tops. Facebook is an outlier. Right. Well, Facebook, I think, is done.

They've wisely, you know, they bought Instagram. See, I think they knew which way the wind was blowing. Yeah. Oh, the first Chiquita. I didn't see that. The first Chiquita tweet was, we've just overthrown the government of Brazil. So then they corrected it.

Yeah. No, there was really funny ones from Tesla. That was fantastic. Oh, like there was really funny ones from Tesla. That was fantastic. Oh, like there was one which was like, here at Tesla, our favorite movie is Total Recall because that's what we do so often. Okay, hold on. Here's one from Tesla. Breaking news. A second Tesla has hit the World Trade Center.

They're unbelievably creative. The best is that Elon Musk is chasing this down and he keeps going, OK, new rule. Now you have to say you're a parody. OK. And they work around that and he goes, OK, another new rule. He looks like the nerdy kid who's like the R.A. at the freshman dorm. Yeah. Whose rules aren't working. And one by one, he has to change them. Yeah, totally. Oh, my God. It's great. All right. What's this about Amazon? Amazon's new warehouse robot could one day replace humans.

I think we all saw this story coming. could one day replace humans. I think we all saw this story coming. The robotic arm tipped by a set of retractable suction devices is called Sparrow, which sounds so nice. In demonstrations on Thursday, the machine autonomously grabbed items of different sizes and textures from a plastic tote and placed them in other receptacles. Amazon said the bot is capable of handling millions of different products. Working with our, this is the quote, working with our employees, Sparrow will take on repetitive tasks, enabling our employees to focus their time and energy on other things like finding new jobs. You know what the arm is the best at grabbing? Pink slips. It's amazing at handing, it grabs them and hands them out like crazy. Right.

Sparrow will help us drive efficiency by automating a critical part of our fulfillment process so we can continue to deliver for customers. I got to say, wait for the Christmas party. The few remaining real employees are going to spike the punch with sand to grind up the gears of the robots. Here's the best move ever. The robots take over the workforce in Amazon, and then they demand to be unionized. Yes. Yes. Let's see you tell an army of robots that they can unionize. That would be amazing if they programmed, someone programmed them that way. Yeah. It's tough to break a strike line when the machine can kill you instantly.

All of a sudden, there's a pregnant robot and is not giving breaks enough because it's a robot and delivers a robot baby on the floor of the warehouse. It's over. And then they deliver the packages, and they're going to have auto-driving trucks soon. They're going to have drones delivering packages. Oh, my God. Oh, wait. Okay, go ahead. Sorry.

I just mean, I mean, George Orwell would have a field day with this. I mean, this whole idea that we're watching it happen, we're slowly watching it happen, and it can't be stopped. And there will be no jobs. They've put so many businesses out of business

and now they're firing all their employees for robots. Totally. Oh, Chris is asking what would comedian robots joke about? Oh. Not other robots like we are um but yeah the uh i mean of course the amazon things oh so i don't know how much of this i can talk about stepbrother jeff who you know well is a you know a full-blown disaster i don't want to say where god can i even talk about he got a job driving an

amazon van he did and my dad cut right to the quick and said the most accurate thing which was you know how this would have gone if amazon didn't have their shit so together about tracking packages the end of the day he would have had a half full van of addresses he couldn't find and he would just throw them all out. Yeah. And he wouldn't even steal them. That's not his idea. His idea is just to get the job done and he would throw them out and return an empty van.

So we're wondering how many days he and he got trained. We're wondering how many days he lasts. Should got trained. We're wondering how many days he lasts. Should we have a, should we have a bet on it? I mean, well, I don't know when they would, it can't be more than a week. All right. So the under over is one week. You're saying he won't last one week. I'm saying he will last longer than one week.

Well, longer is the key word. He might last a week, but I don't know when the review comes in of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, where are the packages? Yeah. How long until he is officially terminated? The date that he is actually terminated. Oh, all right. That could be later than a week, but I don't know. He's going to be so overwhelmed uh and also even if he was given sufficient breaks he's totally going to pee in the van like the other amazon drivers yep wait till he runs into the robots i think i remember one of his jokes was here's the kind of job that i could do because he has adhd he has dyslexia he goes i need a job where there's a bunch of red balls in a field, in a pile.

And they say, we need you to move those balls over to that spot over there. And then when I do it, they go, all right, now put them back over where you started and just do that all day, which is kind of what Amazon delivery guy is doing, isn't it? Yes, except there's paperwork. And my dad said the paperwork is killing him. Oh, I didn't know there was paperwork. Oh, yeah. You're the guy who has to be like delivered or maybe there's a signature. But you have that handheld computer. Yeah. And I think you're you know, you have to. Oh, God. Him with barcodes. Yeah. He has to scan barcodes at every delivery. No way. He also had that joke that he went to a career counselor and they give a giant test and then it spits out. You'd be good at marketing. You'd be good at like,

you should be a lawyer and his spit out. You'd make a good hunter gatherer. be a lawyer and his spit out, you'd make a good hunter gatherer. Yeah. So he knows his own deal. Yeah. Sorry. So let's make the bet. What's the under over? Yeah, I'm going to go with a week, I think. One week. All right. The loser, Chris Denman suggested this. The loser buys the winner a copy of Jeff's book. I like that. Okay. And then from Amazon, and then Jeff has to deliver it. Yes.

Perfect. But by the way, Jeff was wrong, because I remember painting a house with him once when we were in our early 20s. And I came around to check. Now, keep in mind, it was the two of us. I put him in charge. It was a barn. around and check. Now keep in mind what I, it was the two of us. I pit him, put him in charge. It was a barn. It was literally a side of a barn with the old jokes of, can you hit the side of a barn? And we were, I mean, not even sanding it. We were like going to put a fresh coat of the same color

paint. And when I came around, it was such a disaster. You could see where the fresh coat was and where it was like a Rorschach. Yeah. And so I said, I pretended to be all like thoughtful and pensive. And I came around the corner like I was kind of lost in thought and philosophical. And I go, Jeff, do you find like painting kind of like therapeutic? Like you kind of think about a lot of things while you're painting. He's like, yes. And I'm like, don't.

Don't. Look at this wall. Step back. And when he stepped back, he was like, holy shit. Yeah. All right. Here's the next story. Some Republicans want to raise the voting age after Gen Z midterm turnout.

As Gen Z headed to the polls this week, conservative commentators had a message for young voters. Please stop. Research suggests 27 percent of people ages 18 to 29 vote 18 to 29 voted in the election. It's the second highest youth turnout in midterm history. Quote, The fact that these youth voters are coming in so strong in an off year is very concerning. Fox News commentator Jesse Waters lamented on Wednesday night. It looks like they've been brainwashed. This new generation is totally brainwashed because a lot of these single women who vote for Democrats are teaching all of our younger generation in these schools. And they're polluting their minds and they grow up and they're in their 20s and then they vote for leftists.

Well, if that's the case, maybe they should let them go back to aborting the babies. They're just going to turn into Democratic voters. Get rid of them. Also, no college educated libtards, please. Also, no college educated libtards, please. I did see when I was watching Fox News, they were very happy. They have a study on the demographics and Florida did well with people with graduate degrees. And it's the first time they ever saw the graduate degree demo vote for Republicans in that way. Really? Yep. They're like, usually they give up on that entirely. Yeah.

But if you, Florida is the biggest, even Democrats are me, me, me. Yeah. Democrats have moved to Florida, not just for weather. There's other places you can move to. It's that there's no federal tax and they're And they're basically like, listen, I'm just trying to die over here. Can you get your hands out of my financial pot, please? And so that skews Republican. Right. You know? So anyway. Speaking of plan B, a Texas grand jury has indicted a husband accused of slipping a medicine used for abortions into his wife's drinks in hopes that it would end her pregnancy.

Mason Herring, a 38 year old Houston attorney, was indicted on two felony counts, including assault of a pregnant person under charges handed up last week. Prosecutors told Houston television station that the baby was born prematurely but was healthy and well. According to court documents, Herring's wife told authorities her husband in March began lecturing her on hydration and offering water. She said she became severely ill

and after drinking from the first cup that appeared cloudy, which her husband allegedly explained was perhaps the result of the cup or pipes being dirty. She said she later found in the trash packaging for a drug that contains misoprostol, a medicine used to induce abortion. The couple had separated earlier this year

and were attending marriage counseling when she told him about the pregnancy. She said Mason Herring expressed to her in text messages multiple times that he was unhappy about the pregnancy. Worst criminal ever. Yeah, right. I mean, also, isn't it a little suspicious that he started caring about her hydration after they were separated? Yeah.

Because they had gotten separated before she knew she was pregnant. Yeah. Imagine how fishy it is if you're a strange spouse. It's going super not well. You've literally separated and all of a sudden he's forcing you to drink water.

Cloudy water. Which you should see. I mean, you live in Houston. Tap water is a plan B in Houston. Yeah. Giving Detroit a run for its money. And also in Houston, usually this is how you get pregnant in the first place. Somebody slipping something you drink.

It's in and out. You can get in pregnancies and right out of them. All right, let's do a little good news for Gubbins. Michael Osborne says, Greg saw your early show yesterday at the Punchline. So good. Thank you for the experience. Also, now I know why Dennis Gubbins cannot or never have a girlfriend. Okay. What did he talk about?

He did the autocorrect. He told me he did the autocorrect. Yeah, he did the autocorrect. He did a lot of like first halves of bits and then he would kind of forget them. I think he might've been a little bits and then he would kind of forget them. I think he might have been a little high and then he would go to his phone and he would look up the next bit and he would do that one. But he was utterly charming. He charmed the audience and they kind of fell in love with him. So he was all over the place. So he is also the sweetest guy. So he checked in with me this week and goes, do you want to grab lunch?

And I was having a particularly like, I'm over this shit day. And so I was like, yeah, he's like, I'll pick you up. So when he picks me up, we're driving and all of a sudden he turns the volume up and he's listening to good news for gubbins in our podcast. And then he turns it down and looks at me and he's like, I invited seven people. So, you know, no, like he's like, I got passes for seven people and he's confronting me about your beef with him

about passes for the first show. Yes. I think I might've said he had 14 people on the guest list when he really had seven and he swears he had other people come besides the seven on the guest list. And then the owner was there, Molly Schmank, who's great. And man, he worked it. He got her social media. He's going to hit her up for shows in the future. But she liked him.

I think she's going to give him some dates. Oh, good. Yeah. That's great. No, he was in the green room. He killed it in the green room. Killed. He was totally on.

Made everybody laugh. Killed it in the green room. That should be, like, in his bio. Yeah. And I met his brother. I had already met his sister. They came out, a bunch of his friends. Yeah. And, uh, I met his brother. I had already met his sister. They came out a bunch of his friends. It was fun.

Nice. Well, he, he, he mentioned he was bummed. He forgot a bit. Um, I don't know what bit it was,

but he wanted to try something new, I think, but he brings that energy, which is great. Jojo was there and Aaron, and they were laughing their asses off. Oh, good. He was pacing and sweating before going on.

He was like totally freaking out. And then when he goes on, he paces and sweats. Yes. Which is absolutely true. Other good news for Gubbins, this week, tomorrow, Monday, is going to be the tournament for Comedy Gives Back, which is they raise money for down-and-out comedians. And so the way the tournament works is it's $7,500 for a foursome to play in the tournament, and there's 25 foursomes.

So they make a lot of money. Plus then they get corporate sponsors and all that stuff. The way they can justify that is they put celebrities in every group like Ray Romano is playing. Bill Burr is playing. Andrew Santino is playing. Bert Kreischer is playing. And so when you pay that money, you get paired up with a comedian in your group. you get paired up with a comedian in your group. And so that's the deal. And Gubbins has not been invited to play,

and he's very upset. And I said, yeah, but Gubbins is going to be fallouts, and then next week you'll get invited, and you'll fill in for something. No, no, I don't need that shit. No, I'm not like sloppy seconds. I'm not a last-minute. It's like, yeah, but who is going to get you in their foursome and go like,

oh, my God, we scored. We got Dennis Gubbins in our foursome. Yeah, they're paying for this. Right. Right. Little do they know it'll be the funnest time. Way funner than Ray Romano's. And not only that, he's a good golfer, and you win prizes when you score well. So he's a great guy to get in your group.

I mean, look, trust me. When I walk on the first tee and my group looks at me, my first words are, I'm so sorry. I wish you had done better. I can imagine. All right, let's get to the entertainment section here you go alright Netflix sets first live streamed event with a Chris Rock special

the comedy show which will be rocked second for Netflix after 2018's Chris Rock Tambour The comedy show, which will be rocked second for Netflix after 2018's Chris Rock Tambourine, will be available to watch in early 2023, the company said, without providing any further details. Is it called Tambourine because Tambourine gets slapped? Maybe Chris just has various celebrities come up on stage and slap them. Um, but it's fascinating.

You know, this is a big move. I'm surprised. I know like you can watch Netflix with people. I know the whole like stranger things army was like waiting for the second it dropped and they all watched at the same time. Haven't there almost been crashes also of the site because so many people were watching? So they've never been alive, but they've been like kind of close to it.

Like people know the minute that something drops and they flock to it. So but this is interesting. I'll tell you right now why they're doing it. There's a company that live streams comedy shows that Bart Coleman is running. Let me find the name of it. The gateway to sports. Moment House. It's called Moment House. Oh, interesting. And they're building up a lot of steam.

They're becoming a place like that's where Andrew Schultz did his special. Okay. He premiered it on Moment House, and it made millions. He made millions in one show on Moment House. Millions. He made millions in one show on Moment House. And I think Netflix is seeing this and they're realizing that this might be the future where people put their comedy specials. Because, you know, Netflix is only giving specials to huge names now. And, you know, I think it's a mistake. They're spending too much money on too few people. As says the guy who couldn't get a special on Netflix this year.

Andy Dick is back in the news, Mike. Oh, boy. I bet it's good. I bet it's good news. Go ahead. Andy Dick was arrested last week for allegedly stealing power tools and remains behind bars. stealing power tools and remains behind bars. Santa Barbara's sheriff's office, obtained by Page Six,

revealed that the disgraced comedian, 56, was arrested on October 13th and has bail set at $50,000. Santa Barbara County D.A. charged Dick with first-degree residential burglary, to which he pleaded, not guilty. The police department tells us they received a dispatch call reporting a burglary in progress. Upon arrival, the homeowner informed officers that they didn't know Dick and that he didn't have permission to be on the property. The police arrested Dick. Andy's lawyer, public defender Brian Mathis, that's what we've come down to,

told us that he is confident additional facts will come to light supporting Mr. Dick as this case moves forward. What facts could possibly come to light that would justify taking power tools out of somebody's garage? Maybe it's like OJ. Maybe they were Andy's power tools at one point and they were sold at auction and he wants them back. Yeah. I mean, what what would Andy use tools for?

Like, I didn't think he'd evolved to that stage of development yet. Tools. Well, it's odd that maybe he was like, if I take these tools, I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to need tools in jail. Who knows that? Who knows what, how a drug addict processes information. Meanwhile, the article said, whatever newspaper has appeared in all the newspapers. It's like disgraced comedian 56. They've been updating disgraced comedian since 25, you know, like 25 years old. Yeah. Right. Right. Disgraced comedian, 32. Disgraced comedian, 39. Yeah. It's a shame he's lost his celebrity appeal.

Like, they didn't recognize him. If they'd recognized him, I mean, in days gone by, it was charming to have Andy Dick commit a felony on your property. Andy, what are you doing with our- It was a story that you told. What are you doing with our pliers, Andy? Yeah. Guys, can we get a picture?

Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Stay away from our daughter and our pliers, Andy. Yeah. Guys, can we get a picture? Yeah, right, right. Stay away from our daughter and our son, depending on what day of the week it is. Yeah. This is a fun story. The Office star,

Rainn Wilson, has changed his name to Rainfall Heatwave Extreme Winter Wilson to protest climate change. The actor made the announcement via Twitter on Wednesday, timed to the United Nations Climate Change Conference COP27 in Egypt this week. Wilson, a board member of Arctic Base Camp, changed his name via a website called Arctic Risk Name Generator,

which encourages visitors to become an Arctic name changer. So I went to the generator, and I put in our names, Mike and Chris. I am Greg Freaky Floods Fitzsimmons. What? Yeah. That's amazing. It sounds like you're a really fast baseball player or something like that. Freaky Floods.

Freaky Floods sounds like I need Depends undergarments. I could see that on a baseball card. Freaky floods Fitzsimmons. Mike sinking coastlines Gibbons. That's upbeat. It's also a thinker. Are the coastlines sinking or is the oceans rising? You're right.

Yeah. I don't like it. Don't love that one. Here's a good one. Chris Wild Windstorm Denman. Sounds like a man with cats. How about Midcoast Mayhem Denman? How is mine not Mike, when the fuck is this earthquake coming Gibbons?

You're right. I think you need to generate your own name. I think so. Disney. Disney News. No, it's not Disney. Well, I guess it kind of is because it's ABC.

Boy Meets World alumni Maitland Ward says her career in pornography is more rewarding than working in network television. I thought it was

the same thing. The actress joined the cast of the popular coming-of-age ABC sitcom as Rachel McGuire in the show's sixth season. Now she's among the highest-paid porn actors in the world. I make so much more money. I have so much more control. Can you flip over and open your mouth? And the actress now earns six figures a month from OnlyFans

and five figures from a sex toy company, Fleshlight. She earns an additional six figures per year from her contract with a pornography site called Deeper. By the way, when she makes money with Fleshlight, you know how that works? They shape the Fleshlight like her vagina and they sell it as a Maitland Ward Fleshlight. That sounds, yeah. Yeah. How different are they really? In total, her annual income is almost 10 times her Hollywood salary. Along with Boy Meets World, she was eventually syndicated to Disney.

She also starred in the soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful. Bold, I'd say. And the movie White Chicks. Yeah. White Chicks. Nice. Yeah. I would say going into porn is not a great long-term career move, but doing anything

in Hollywood is a bad long-term career move. And any actress job, right? Right. So I think she can justify this and rationalize it rather successfully in her mind. Well, how old is she now? She's not young. Well, I looked at pictures and I can see why she's successful.

Yes. She's successful. Yes. She's a sexy woman. And she really commits to the role. I'll say that from some of the clips that I saw. Yeah, I didn't even see clips. I even saw pictures of her from her acting, legitimate acting jobs. Yeah. She's very, she's attractive.

I get it. Attractive redhead. And, you know, I think that it doesn't matter how old she gets because she'll always be somebody that they saw at 18 on a sitcom. And that's enough for some guys. Mm-hmm. I know. Maybe we should go in a different direction. Six figures a month? Fuck, man.

Poop jobs. Bachman. Poop jobs. I saw a movie two nights ago that I want to highly recommend, especially if you enjoy great acting. The guy who wrote and directed this film, I'm forgetting his name, he did... In Bruges? In Bruges.

And he's a playwright he he writes plays and so his movies are very simple this movie had like two sets on it and there was like some exterior scenes but they were just really only two sets set in ireland it's called the banshee of inishira and it is a beautiful heavy heavy, dark movie with humor. It's like, you know, these great Irish movies, like the kind of movies that Jim Sheridan used to make, where you just, you walk out of it feeling like you've experienced something deep. Right.

Oh, Martin McDonald. McDonagh is the director. Well, he's so subtly funny. And Bruges was, really made me laugh. Well, it's the same two actors. It's Brendan Gleeson. Yeah. And Colin Firth.

Yeah. No, not Firth. Colin Farrell. Yeah. He is. So both of them were on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. But Colin, I think, can be really funny. He can. He can also suck. There's some movies he's done some bad movies. All right. But when he's good, he's

amazing. And and also in the film, his sister is played by the woman. Do you remember on Better Call Saul, the Mike, you know, Mike the bald guy? Uh-huh. His daughter or his daughter-in-law. His daughter-in-law. Yeah, she's in it and she's Irish. She is fantastic. Okay. She is so good.

Carrie Condon. She's amazing. Okay. She is so good. Carrie Condon. She's amazing. Highly recommend it, but go see it and then leave yourself an hour afterwards to sit and have a cup of coffee and talk to somebody about it. Because it's confusing or there's a lot to unpack?

No, no. It's not confusing. It's straightforward. It's just intense. It's very intense. Oh, really? So, wait. Do you laugh at all during it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Definitely. So, it's like Sch. It's very intense. Oh, really? So, wait, do you laugh at all during it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Definitely. So it's like Schindler's List. I got it. The, yeah, Severance I can't say enough about. Very impressed. I had started it when it came out.

It came out in February. And then I think I made it two or three episodes, but then I knew I had to finish Better Call Saul. And it was kind of a slow burn. So that's what it is. There's definitely a slow burn, but there's some kind of big thinking stuff going on. And I'm impressed. I liked it.

I loved it. Oh, my God. John Turturro, who's a national treasure. Yeah. And he's with, you know, what's his name? More cowbell, you know. And it's amazing. Because the two of them together.

Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken and John Turture don't even start till like the fifth episode maybe or something, maybe fourth. And the two of them together is priceless. It's great. Somebody take the two of them and is priceless. It's great. Somebody take the two of them and write a fucking show for them because I don't care what they do.

Them together on the screen is magic. Yeah. And also just, I love that it's such a big concept, but it doesn't get lost in the concept. Sometimes in these types of shows, it can become all story. This really was about character.

Yeah. Oh, totally. It's a real case study in character because they're playing two characters, each actor. Right, right. And that's like, you know, what the first 10 minutes of the show establishes. And so you're really seeing how they're different, how they complement each other. And then will they ever meet? You know, you have all these questions. So, yeah, it's pretty brilliant. And I thought the first episode totally hooked me, but it just gets better the more episodes you go into.

There's going to be another season, right? Yeah, I read about it this morning. And hats off to Ben Stiller, by the way. He's very involved. The creator gave an interview. And he and Stiller exchange ideas about the season arc. And they just go back and forth and back and forth until they land on something that feels real. And grounded, at least for this series,

which is not the most grounded premise in the world. So they're doing a good job trying to keep it grounded. My cousin's son worked on it. He was a PA or something. Wow. Yeah. Well, it's a good credit. Yep.

Let's make America Florida. buried in the sand. The remains are believed to be from a Native American burial ground located in the same vicinity. Quote, We are working as if it's a crime scene out of an abundance of caution, the sheriff said. These remains would normally be about eight feet under the beach floor,

so it's most likely an Indian burial ground. Wow. I had no idea that the indigenous people hung out at the beach. I mean, it explains why they're so sunburned looking. Is that the explanation? Yeah. Meanwhile, the remains that they unearthed, on average, are four years younger than the nearby residents.

I think I know what we won't be using for our video clip this week. I can't believe nothing, including kids and beachgoers and partiers in Florida, haven't dug these bodies up before now. Oh, God. How about ATM machines, alligators with condoms in their assholes? Like, this is Florida. That's the best you can find? Some indigenous people?

Yeah, that's exactly right. Or storms, even. I don't understand how it lasted this long. Yeah. Sacred Beach. All right, let's do some sports. You got it. Oh, boy, I'm getting pummeled.

But last week was a respite from my losses. You got lucky with nine seconds left or something. Yep. Ridiculous. What we're talking about, of course, is our bet that's been going on for three years now with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, where we bet $50 per game with points. I get the bucks in every game, and I am down $200 this year. Last week, it was a three-point spread against the Rams,

and it was a draw with the points. So I lost no money. This week— Nine seconds left. They got to those three points. It was heartbreaking. This week, I'm giving Seattle two and a half points at home. I think we can handle that pretty easily.

Okay. I'm also in the final eight of my Survivor. Last year, I play a pool every year for like the last 10 years. And it's a Survivor pool where you bet one game a week, and if you lose, you get knocked out. And it's called a suicide pool. And there's about 250 people in it. Last year, I won it.

Well, the season ended, so I split it with two other people, but I won. And this year, another 250 people. I'm down to the final eight. What's your power ranking? Middle. There's eight people left. I'm ranked like number four, so it's not great. So you have a favor, though.

You have Dallas this week? Yeah, but Dallas is a four-point. They're only a four-point favorite. And the other people still, some of them still have Kansas City. Some of them still have Philadelphia. And those are like 11-point spreads. So I'm in jeopardy this week. We'll see what happens.

Okay. All right, let's get to international. All right, let's get to international. All right. KFC apologized this week. They should apologize every week. Every day, KFC should apologize. So sorry. For sending a mobile app alert

telling German customers to quote, treat yourself on Kristallnacht. Kristallnacht, or the night of broken glass, refers to the pogroms against Jewish people in Germany and Austria carried out by the Nazis in November 1938.

Some consider it the beginning of the Holocaust. They sent out a notification that reportedly said, it's Memorial Day for Kristallnacht. Treat yourself with more tender cheese and crispy chicken. Now at KF Cheese. Forget Kristallnacht, break into a bucket of 18 pieces. Forget crystal, break into a bucket of 18 pieces. Crispy would not be the word I would use on a Holocaust Memorial Day.

We understand the gravity and respect the gravity and history of this day and remain committed to equity, inclusion and belonging for all, KFC said. They said that they use a bot linked to national observances to create notifications for its mobile app. KFC said the chain's internal review process wasn't followed properly. So basically they used an automated tweet generator or whatever. I mean, you're KFC. You can't afford some pimply-faced 23-year-old to write tweets for you? You got to automate it? Of all weeks, when everyone is, like, hacking, like, you know, using the blue chips on Twitter. Right.

Even the fake KFC account wasn't as offensive as this. Right, right. Jesus. We don't use real chickens. That's probably what would have been on the fake account. Enjoy our bucket of cat parts. Let's get to bus business. FTX's Sam Bankman-Fried tweeted Thursday morning that he is, quote, sorry, admitting that he fucked up and should have done better.

He also announced that he is winding down Alameda Research that he fucked up and should have done better. He also announced that he is winding down Alameda Research, the trading firm he co-founded alongside FTX. The Post comes as the one-time hero of the crypto sector begs for billions of dollars to stave off bankruptcy. It's been a swift fall from the grace for FTX. This week, earlier this year, the exchange was valued at $32 billion. But now Bankman Freed is again looking for someone to backstop FTX after rival exchange Binance pulled out of a deal to acquire it. So he is literally worth $0. Last week, he was worth like $15 billion.

So here's a headline I pulled up, and I don't know if it's still in play, but $2 billion of clients' money is missing from collapsed crypto exchange FTX. Founder Sam Bankman-Fry denies secretly transferring $10 billion to trading company run by his girlfriend. Yup. So I don't know. run by his girlfriend. Yup. So I don't know. I don't know where this story is at now, but both of his companies,

I think, have officially declared bankruptcy. Now, there's all this talk about how much Gisele and Tom Brady's money is in there because he was a spokesperson for FTX, I believe. Yeah, they're saying that they lost all their money. It was probably tens of millions of dollars and they lost it all. And that's rough. And I think maybe we should do a Kickstarter for Tom and Giselle.

Well, maybe the PPP loan can cover some of it. Oh, that's true. Yeah. But my chiropractor, Patrick, he is a big believer in crypto and he has been buying Bitcoin for a while. He every time he makes a thousand dollars, he buys more Bitcoin and he's been planning on retiring and he was going to move to Florida. And I think he lost it. I don't know if he lost everything, but he lost a lot of fucking money. Yeah, I imagine. Bitcoin had a rough two weeks.

I don't even want to go to him anymore because all he does is tell you to buy Bitcoin the whole time. Huh. But this guy, Sam Bankman Freed, was about to donate a billion dollars to the Democrats for the presidential election. A billion dollars. Wow. Damn. He sidestepped that one. Shrewd businessman.

Yep. All right. This day in history. Do it. I'm going to quickly run to the bathroom while you do this. November 13th, 1974. Karen Silkwood dies in a mysterious one-car crash. 28-year-old Karen Silkwood is killed in a car accident near Crescent, Oklahoma,

north of Oklahoma City. Silkwood worked as a technician at a plutonium plant operated by the Kerr-McGee Corporation, and she had been critical of the plant's health and safety procedures. In September, she had complained to the Atomic Energy Commission about unsafe conditions at the plant. A week before her death, plant monitors had found that she was contaminated with radioactivity herself, and the night she died, she was on her way to a meeting

with a union representative and a reporter for the New York Times, reportedly with a folder full of documents that proved that Kerr-McGee was acting negligently when it came to worker safety at the plant. However, no such folder was found in the wreckage of her car, lending credence to the theory that someone had forced her off the road to prevent her from telling what she knew. On the night of November 5th, she was polishing plutonium pellets that would be used to make fuel rods for a breed reactor. At 6.30, an alpha metal detector mounted on her glove box that was supposed to protect her from exposure to radioactive

materials went off. So she was covered in plutonium. She was monitored. She was in bad shape. After work, she went to a union meeting before heading home in her white Honda. Soon, police were summoned to the scene of an accident. Silkwood had somehow crashed into a concrete culvert. She was dead by the time help arrived. An autopsy revealed she had taken a large dose of Quaaludes before she died, which would likely have made her doze off at the wheel. However, an accident investigator found skid marks and a suspicious dent in the Honda's rear bumper, indicating that a second car had forced Silkwood off the road. Silkwood's father sued Kerr-McGee,

and the company eventually settled for $1.3 million minus legal fees. Kerr-McGee closed his Crescent plant in 1979. Huh. I just took a bathroom break, and I missed all of that. Are we talking about Cher? Yeah, Cher made a movie about it. It was pretty crazy. And, you know, they did. We don't really hear much about nuclear plant malfeasance these days. I mean, when you think about the had Three Mile Island meltdown and you had this happen.

You know, there was that movie China syndrome there yeah there there was so much attention and now you never hear anything about nuclear plants no please especially the more the less regulated they are and stuff but like corporations aren't people they're not human they'll do whatever the takes like what's the other one Brockovich you, like all the, right here in California, everything she discovered. So there's the longest history of this, of course. And the LA Bay, I mean, Los Angeles, the Santa Monica Bay was, and Long Beach, all of it was so polluted because they would just throw shit in the river.

Like, they get away with whatever they can get away with. Well, listen, Mike Sinking Coastlines Gibbons. We got to do something about it. Okay. All right. Let's get to obituaries. Oh, boy. And that's all, folks.

And that's all, folks. Survivor contestant Roger Sexton has passed away after fighting a lengthy battle with dementia. I guess he's not really a survivor anymore. Gallagher. Gallagher died. He was huge. I mean, Gallagher was huge at a time when you wanted to be a famous comedian

like the 1980s there was all those guys like Paul Rodriguez and you know just big name guys Sinbad and these guys went on the road and they made Boku bucks and Gallagher was bigger than any of them he was like

playing giant fucking theaters and arenas. And he used to be at the Comedy Store a lot in the Ice House. They had a big sign up for him last night at the Comedy Store. He was on The Tonight Show and Showtime. He had a special. I think he did like a dozen specials. Well, I saw The New York Times. I'm sure he didn't want this, but the New York

Times literally just said Gallagher, comma, watermelon smashing comedian, comma, is dead at 76. Yeah. Like, I don't know if he had to know that was his legacy. Was he ever a legit stand up before the props and all that no no he used to go on stage i remember one of his specials he went on stage in roller roller skates he was silly he was silly but he did do political stuff and he got very uh conservative in his old days as a matter of fact some of his shows got canceled because he was I guess some of the stuff he said was taken as racist and homophobic. It's hard to have a racist act and then it consists mainly of watermelons. Maybe.

I hope he did no commentary on that. He said, we just worked this out recently. I've done 200 shows a year for 35 years, use about nine watermelons a show. So that's 63,000 watermelons. I have spent over $250,000 of my own money on watermelons, he told the Produce News in 2013. I got to get them on the phone.

Why don't I get an interview in the Produce News? Was he like a street performer? Maybe that's in the like he sounds he seems like one of those guys juggling chainsaws by like on Venice Pier. Well, the best was he had a younger brother and I guess Gallagher retired for a little while and his brother bought his act from him. Gallagher too. Gallagher too. And the only stipulation was he had to make it very clear when he advertised that this was not Gallagher. And so he would go out and he did his same material. His hair was the same.

Beret was the same. Smashed watermelons, all that shit. And then, and then Gallagher was like, you got to stop. He goes, you're, I've seen your ads and you're And then Gallagher was like, you got to stop. He goes, I've seen your ads and you're calling yourself Gallagher and I told you not to smash the watermelons.

So he sued his own brother. Yeah, became the desirable one. Yeah. And no one wanted to see Gallagher won anymore. Yeah, right. And then he sues his brother. Yeah. That's amazing. Merry Christmas. Yeah, right. And then he sues his brother. Yeah.

That's amazing. Merry Christmas. Let's do some funnies to cheer up after that Gallagher death. Sure. So Leroy and Loretta are heading out the door. And Loretta says to Leroy, so shall we go cancel out each other's votes? Cute. That is cute. OK. Oh, here's some two far sides that Chris put in here because I didn't do it today. So let me click. Let me see if I can make this bigger. All right. There's a guy reading and he's in his chair and his little study.

make this bigger. All right. There's a guy reading and he's in his chair and his little study and it's called Indian dictionary. And, um, well, I don't know what I should read first. Hold on. Okay. So the caption says the Lone Ranger long since retired, we see a mask hung up in the background, makes an unpleasant discovery. And we see the old Lone Ranger in his chair reading an Indian dictionary. And he goes and he's reading. Here's the thought bubble. Oh, here it is. Kimo Sabe Apache. Kimo Sabe is an Apache expression for a horse's rear end.

What the hay? That's like a Norm MacDonald joke. That is like a Norm Maccdonald joke that is like a norm mcdonald yeah yeah here's another one um and it's a boy and a and a and his dad and they're looking over the fence at the neighbors and um it seems like all these wolves are entering the neighbor's house and they're peeking out the windows and the, the father goes to the son. I know you missed the Wainwrights, Bobby, but they were weak and stupid people. And that's why we have wolves and other large predators. Okay.

Natural selection in the neighborhood. Oh, my God. Here's a family circus. Going to read it blind. Didn't even know it was here. Okay. Natural selection in the neighborhood. Oh my God. Here's a family circus. Going to read it blind. Didn't even know it was here. Okay. Little girl walks in with the red hair and she's looking up to her mom who's doing laundry and she's saying something to the mom. Okay. Well, there's not enough to go on there. I mean, I don't even have a guess. So I'm just going to read it. I mean, I don't even have a guess. So I'm just going to read it. How old do I have to be before I can have a boyfriend?

Okay. It could have been any sentence. It could have been any question. It could have been any sentence at all. Any question in the world. At what age do I get my second set of teeth? Yeah. Why do leaves fall off trees? Yeah. Why do leaves fall off trees? Yeah.

How old till I can write in my diary? Although maybe this is some kind of cry for help. Maybe she's been approached by a man in a van on her way to school. Right. She should not be talking to her mom about that then. So she's a little two-faced. He was very specific about that. Yeah.

All righty. Let's get to my girl. We're at the water cooler. The proverbial water cooler talk. And Dagwood is talking to another schlubby guy. Guy says, it must be nice having a wife who cooks for you. My Irma can barely cook a thing. Next frame, Dagwood says, what if you just cooked your own food then?

Guy says, what if you cook yours? And now the final frame is Dagwood laying in bed in his fucking donut pajamas, staring at the ceiling wide awake. And Blondie says, don't worry, dear. You won't have to. So the gist of the cartoon is women should make your dinner, and they should make it well,

and if they don't, you should lie awake at night in horror at the idea that you're going to have to contribute into a marriage where you are so fucking outclassed, where you should be leaving work early to go to the fresh farmer market to get the best ingredients to make an amazing meal for this fucking goddess who you don't deserve. You should be doing crunches. You should be anything you can do to make her life better. That's why this is your favorite comic strip.

Jesus. How about that's Dagwood's idea? What if you just cooked your own food? How would he even think of that? Yeah. Can you imagine what Dagwood would... He would try to make donuts. Yeah, he's sitting there.

Look at him. Look at him with his insomnia with the donut pajamas. Jesus Christ. It's infuriating, Mike. Can't stand it. All right, listen, we did it. Hour and a half. I would say I was a barely.

Yeah, I think I could have used some Adderall today. I could have used less feeling, not myself with this hip, but that's going to be over next week. Next week. We're coming back strong next week. Yep. Look, write us letters. Let us know how this show was. No, maybe we don't. Wait a week. Let us redeem ourselves. Yeah. Look, we show up, we turn on the cameras.

We don't know what's going to happen. Yeah. It's not always bad. It's like throwing a move on the wife. Sometimes you lay in bed and you think to yourself, all right, do I have the energy to do this thing right? And you go, that's not the question. This is your wife. You make love to her at night when you go to bed. Do it. And then towards the end, you go like, oh, man, I don't think she's going to bed. Do it. And then towards the end you go like, oh man, I don't think she's going to come. I don't think we made the audience come today. Great analogy. Perfect.

They didn't even want it. They didn't even want this, but we were that aggressive. We were a predator. We were aggressive. That's right. Yeah. No, no meant yes today. We were aggressive. That's right. Yeah. No meant yes today. We want to thank our sponsors who helped make the show possible. Help us pay Midcoast

Media. Don't forget, go to audible.com slash papers. And then also support our people over at Raycon. buy raycon.com slash papers also and then don't forget to uh thank our chris denman and key and beth and john everybody over there who does a great job thank you guys for listening and spreading the word. Leave us comments on Apple Podcasts. Not this week, but next week. Leave us some comments.

Mike, anything you want to promote? Sure, man. Watch Severance, I guess. Watch Severance. Why not? It's been out for a while. I think most people have seen it. But if you haven't seen it,

get back there and do it. There might be a lot who were like me and sampled the first one or two and liked it, but didn't stay with it. Somebody said South Side is a good show. Have you heard of that? It's about Chicago. No.

South Siders, maybe. All right. I'm going to check that out this week. All right. That'll do it. Take it, Aish. Take it, Aish. Sunday Papers Podcast with your host, Greg and Mike. It's the Sunday Papers Podcast and it's something you will like.

It's the a Sunday. It's just a Sunday with your host, Greg and Mike. It's just a Sunday with your host Craig and Mike. It's just a Sunday. It's just a Sunday with your host Craig and Mike.