Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 14 6/7/20

Episode Date: June 7, 2020

Tackling the news after a week like this takes a certain finesse and maturity. Mike and Greg lack that, but here is their very best attempt at being funny during very difficult times. And wait until you hear what goddamn Dagwood did this week! 

read all about it people we're. The paper boy came by. He threw it in the bushes. It got a little bit wet, but there's a plastic bag on it. We're going to open that up for you right now and share with you. I know you hate these intros, Mike. Jesus, that was long. Okay. All right.

See, I always have to work with Mike Gib a as an executive producer always has his like his little like clock going in his head of when when have we not given them good entertainment how long has it taken and that all stems from your fucking father and your sad little irish catholic upbringing where you had to entertain your dad at the dinner table all the time is that what it is yeah i was gonna say i don't think i have producer hat on i think i just have my usual mentally ill hat on. Um, no, I will. I literally, I didn't realize how, you know, I just grew up. There was just a natural thing. Even like when we started writing jokes, I'm like shorter, short, you got to get to the punchline guy. And I realized, where is this coming from? And I realized, Oh my God, if I buried the lead with my dad, like, like I'd be

like, I'd come in. I'm like, listen, I was on the roof. I was doing this. And then I'd like, it loses attention. And I'm like, God, I should have led with I'm bleeding internally. Why did I, why did I start with them on the roof? Like I would lose them so fast. Oh yeah. Yeah. No, it's something about being Irish. It's like, you know, we are known for speaking in narratives, funny stories, jokes. And I mean, at my dinner table growing up, if you were telling a long story, the running joke was everybody would put their elbow, they put their fist on their chin, the elbow on the table, and then the elbow would start slipping off the table as you were talking. Four people as you're trying to finish your story.

Yeah. You wouldn't do the, what did I miss? Nothing? Apparently nothing. Wait, what would you guys do? Wasn't there something you guys did at Kilborn with like spider webs or something? Oh, I forgot about that. Oh, my God.

In the writer's room. So for the listeners who aren't seeing this, we'd all of a sudden, we would put, we would widen one hand like a totally spread five and then put the other five and connect the pinky to this and then attach now this long string of fingers to the writer's table and be like, oh, sorry, I got stuck. A spider caught me in his web during your short story. One thumb would be like on our face and we'd be like couldn't move. It was so funny.

I totally forgot about that. And I catch myself doing it to my kids sometimes thumb would be like on our face and we'd be like couldn't move it was so funny i forgot i totally forgot about that oh and i catch myself doing it to my kids sometimes and i have to just so much of our parenting is going against everything we learned as kids and it wasn't all bad i mean look you and i got into show business because we learned how to tell short, funny stories. Yeah. No, my kids will text me, and I'll just be like, hey, thanks so much for explaining that. I read half of it. I'll get to the other half later. Or they'll leave a voicemail, and I'll just text them back.

I'm like, thanks, sweetie. Listen, my drive was only 45 minutes, so I didn't get through all your message. So the four diseased kids are going to be just like us. Like, oh, I only 45 minutes, so I didn't get through all your message. The poor, diseased kids are going to be just like us. Like, oh, I fucking buried the lead with my dad. Damn it. Yeah. Right. Good. Good. Yeah, exactly. So a lot going on this week. Obviously, we got to thank Ron Agabio, who wrote our theme song this week. Did you like the theme song this week? How about that? I felt like I was at Club Med there for a little while.

Like it was a very festive, there was a little island-y flavor in there. Yeah, it was everything short of reggae. But what a dude for taking the time to do that. Yeah, very cool. We've gotten a ton of songs. Keep them coming. Because we haven't decided on an official theme song yet. We're going to let you guys keep sending them in.

We're going to play them, give you a shout out. And the same thing with the logos. David Hughes designed this week's logo. Those change every week. And you can check them out. If you want to see all of them, they're on our website, which is officially up. It is? Childish.net.

No, not Childish. That's my other podcast. What? That's weird. Sundaypapers.net is our website. If you want to see the comic strips that we're talking about, those are going to be up there. The logos and links to all the episodes, as well as some fun pictures of me and Mike in bikini tops. Childish.net.

You must get a lot of people who get there by accident looking for something very different. Oh, God. It's actually Childish Pod, I think. Oh, phew. Yeah. Not Childish Ped? Boy, narrowly avoided that one. Just some fat pervert's finger presses P-O-D instead of P-E-D.

He's trembling. Press his P-O-D instead of P-E-D. He's trembling. He's so excited he can't get the keystroke straight. Why are there adults on this site? So we're charting. We're doing really well. Keep the comments coming. We got hundreds of great comments on iTunes. Thank everyone for listening. Yeah, listening. And they give great feedback. They tell us all the facts we get wrong,

which I welcome. I welcome that. Yeah, we're going to get to that later. There's a lot of people that don't like our pronunciations. Our facts are not always right. But what are we, fucking a history podcast? It's comedy. We are literally fake news. That is why you're coming here. We are fake news. We should start putting that hashtag in our listing on Instagram and Twitter. Yeah.

We're actually fake, fake news. Yeah. All right. You got your newspaper there, Mike? I do. Should I talk about it was a busy morning for me? Oh, my God. I can't believe we blipped over that. We're lucky you're even here. So my kids arrived and it's my weekend and whatever, my five days in a row with them.

So someone in our circle called with the news that they tested positive for the coronavirus. And my kids have been exposed to them. So now they get here. Can't undo that. They got here yesterday morning, yesterday midday. So anyway, it's now a scramble like to get tested. If you do it through the county, the free one and everything, it's like five days or something like that. Anyway, you're just trying to find you want to get an answer because and this is the key is when, you know, I don't know how many listeners have gotten tested already. You know, my thing was don't get tested till you have to. But now like, you know, I have, you know, an ex, the kids have a parent in the, do they go back to that parent? Like there's

really big answers we need. And so we kind of needed to get tested. So, um, and every day that goes by is really, I mean, obviously you self quarantine, but like the delays in testing, like the person in our circle, uh, who felt they were getting sick, got tested. And then it was a two day wait. And it was in those two days that they were around my kids. And obviously they should have like really quarantined in that time. So anyway, I found this place here in Southern California anyway, that was amazing. Like if things could be run this well in every aspect of life. Really? Oh, that's great. You have a virtual doctor's appointment within five minutes of thinking of the idea. You get a virtual doctor's appointment. They then schedule it. You drive down. This one was in

like Torrance, which is like 20 minutes South of here. You drive down. This one was in like Torrance, which is like 20 minutes south of here. You drive up. There's a station waiting in a parking lot of this big empty mall. Oh, by the way, not an empty mall. I am driving up to get tested. And there's a doctor or, you know, an assistant in full garb with the with not only the face mask, obviously, but with the helmet, the gloves, the whole thing, right? And four stores down, I think was like a Burlington Coat Factory or something, huge line of people just on the street waiting to go shopping. Now, when you say shopping, is that a euphemism for looting? It's looting, but actually paying, but it looked like a looting line.

That's going to be the new ad campaign for a lot of stores. You might as well be looting but actually paying, but it looked like a looting line. That's going to be the new ad campaign for a lot of stores. You might as well be looting. Prices are so low. Come on in. Prices are so low, we're going to let you smash our front window when you take the merchandise. Here's our new deal. We have membership. If you sign up for a $500 membership, you get to loot us for four minutes. We look the other way. You do the best you can. And then you don't know how much, you don't know how much has been looted before, but $5,000 level, you get 10 minutes to loot the hell out of our place. That way you may actually get the right size. Who knows? So anyway, and that woman checks you and she's like pulling a spot one, no line. You're in your car. You lower your window down halfway. They give you the swab. You swab your own nose. You're in your car. You lower your window down halfway. They give you the swab. You swab

your own nose. You no longer have to stick it all the way up in your brain. They even tell you that because they want you to do it for a longer time, less deep. That's what she said, of course, which by the way, I have a letter later that deals with that. So she said, anyway, you swab yourself, you give it back to them. There's an in and out in the same parking lot. We go over to in and out. Before we finish our in and out on the drive home, they call us with the results. Wow. No shit.

We went three for three with negatives. What does that mean? Almost nothing. Almost nothing. Right. Almost nothing. Almost nothing. Right.

Because what one doctor I talked to explained, almost, or I want to find, I want to be careful with my words here. I don't want to put out misinformation. There are a lot of false negatives if people get the test before they're symptomatic. That's what the doctor said. So we keep an eye on our symptoms. Now we take our temperature. We do all that stuff. We quarantine, which is a giant pain in the ass. I thought you guys were already quarantined. Your family is the most careful people that I know during this pandemic. Your daughter,

your daughter, Sophie, wears fucking gloves. So that's why I think it's kind of a service to everybody out there. And I made sure my dad knew all this, who's in Florida and I was going to New York. It's like from one hotspot to another. This thing is still very real. And the person who we were exposed to, my daughters were exposed to, could not have been more careful also. Yeah. But in terms of us being quarantined, we went to three March. We went to two marches. Yeah. So, you know, a lot of as a lot of the country is saying like, all right, maybe if we're outside, we have masks on. We're keeping six feet apart. We can go protest. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And very invariably get closer to someone than six feet. You have your mask on your outside. Those are two things in the plus column. Outside's a bigger plus, but you're kind of loosening how rigid you are on it. But it's a very real thing still. And keep in mind the west side of Los Angeles until I would say these demonstrations was not a hotspot at all. It was really, if you looked at statistics, and I know there wasn't a lot of testing, but still it was not a hot spot and still people who are careful are getting it. So, you know, just a word to the wise out there that it has taken, you know, back back burner to this. Well, good luck to you, Mike. I hope you stay clean. And, you know, your daughter, I hope your daughter doesn't give it to my daughter. Yeah. Is she going to surf?

Is she surfing this week? I think now surfing is off, even though when we've gone, it was very solitary. Like, we just go out. We're not even within 20 feet of someone, and we go in and do it. But, yeah. All right. Well, listen, let's get to it. Let's get to the front page. What does that mean?

A newspaper sound? There you go. That sounds great. Yeah, it does. Big story this week, mostly because it was one of those moments caught on video that you can't really... There's only one takeaway when you see it. There was a 75-year-old man in Buffalo who was standing there and a couple cops knocked him down. And he cracked his head,

started bleeding out of his ear profusely. And you really think like, look, he's a 75-year-old guy in upstate New York. You already know he's racist. He's an ally to the cops. What are you knocking him down for? You know, did you see he was returning their helmet? No. Yeah, sorry to bum you out. He was walking up to them because one of their helmets dropped. He was holding their helmet. I believe.

No shit. Wow. I believe that's what it is. And then all the officers quit, like 57 officers. Well, they fired. You skipped that part. Oh, they fired officers. Well, they fired. You skipped that part. Oh, they fired them. They fired the two.

Yeah. And then 54, 6 in solidarity quit. Now, you know, all these, every story has at least three sides to it. But I would say what I did hear them say is, and the reason is they were just following orders. So there is a world where, let's say you and I were one of those 54 or six who quit in solidarity. We could be like, we're fucking pawns here. We're not the problem. These were orders and these guys shouldn't leave their livelihood.

Now, I know people are probably screaming at their car stereos or wherever they're listening to us that some orders are meant to be said no to. And pushing that guy so excessively sort of went over the line. I agree with all that. But I'm just saying it's probably not as crystal clear. The other thing is it's not such as a brave move as you think this solidarity move. They didn't quit their their normal jobs of police officers. It was just this assignment. Right there.

They quit the task force. Right. Yeah. So pussies. So come on. Yeah. I mean, this is it. I mean, if you're a cop, this is like what you've been working towards.

Like my friend was a, uh, my friend was a fireman. You remember my friend, Sean Burgoyne from Northern Ireland? Of course. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Of course.

He was, he lived with me my whole senior year of college. We also played that joke on him. Remember when we drove, he would drink nonstop. We were driving up from New York. He passed out in the back seat. So what are,

we pulled it into an alley. What did we do? I don't remember that. We pulled into an alley. He passed out in the back seat. So what did we pulled it into an alley? What did we do? I don't remember that. We pulled into an alley. He's sleeping. We pulled into an alley, pretend we didn't have the keys. And then just told him we were jumped. Like, all of a sudden we made crazy noise. Like we said, we were jumped and robbed and they took the, it was something. And he was just like, all right, well, let's deal with it. We're like, like the Joker so backfired because he couldn't give a shit. Look, when you grew up having rocks thrown at you by Protestants in Belfast your whole childhood,

you're not getting shaken up by some missing keys. But what about us? What lunatics? We break up a four-hour drive by finding some remote alley and stage this stupid. He was such a drunk. He went out with our friend Mary. That's how I met him. Yeah.

And he was such a drunk. And Mary comes home one day. I'm with Mary. We went out to lunch, and we come back to her apartment. And it's like 3 in the afternoon, New York City. We walk up like a five-story walk-up. And we walk in the door, and he's laying on the couch with his pants around his ankles, he's drunk,

empty bottle, limp dick in his hand. And she goes, you motherfucker! You don't fuck me and you sit here jerking off? You never fuck me! You don't fucking get drunk and jerk and she starts hitting

him she starts beating him and he wakes up and puts his pants on and leaves that's the best taking it out personally that's perfect it must have been a good one if he's passed out. Still in his hand. No tissues, no towel. Just, that's drunk compassion. Oh, my God. Also, it's probably, it might have been a little cry for help. Like, yeah, I'm going to send her a message.

Like, I think I'm about to pass out. Should I fight it? Nah. Let her see this. Let her clean it up. Should I fight it? No. Let her clean it up. This is her mess, too. I interrupted. Sean, you said? What was my point of telling that?

Oh, so he was a fireman. He ended up becoming a fireman in the South Bronx. And then, you know, because Irish people love being firemen. They love, they love the being heroic. They love putting their lives on the line. It's very Irish. It's extremely Irish. And so he took a leave of absence for three months. I forget why he'd been working for years and, uh, nine 11 happened and he was devastated that he wasn't there to be a part of it you know most people would be like i got fucking lucky i wasn't there he was like no he got so depressed he left the department wow yeah so i sort of so he left him twice okay what's that so he left them when they yeah he wasn't there when they really needed him for 9-11.

And then he left them when they really needed him because there was only two guys left. Yeah, right. Okay. Well, he didn't leave them. They caught him jerking off on the couch in the fire station, threw him out. Sean, the pole is completely soaked. What are you doing here when we're out? It's very sticky.

We're trying to get down that pole, but it's very sticky. Yeah. Anyway, so I sort of see these cops right now as like this is their shining moment to make a statement, you know, to be peaceful and to, you know, carry out what needs to be done

in a way that's respectful to the protesters, but also keeping peace. I don't know. I think quitting now is a fucking weak move. Yeah, but in fairness, that 75-year-old man, earlier they saw him looting. He was looting one of those shops that had the tubs with a door in it

that you get out and into those tubs. Right, yeah. By the way, you know you're old when you're watching. Everyone's watching news now, and they haven't updated the ads to be like ads that appeal to everyone. They still think their demo is like 70-year-old terrified people. Yeah. So normally, all the ads are still catheters and the tub with a door in it.

But by the way, I watched that ad with a tub and a door in it, and it seems like a great idea. Like, okay, you're going to have a lot less slips, a lot less old people trying to make the big step over into an incredibly slippery thing, right? But here's what they don't tell you. Now you're in your tub. The tub water is all the way up there. And now you want to get out. But no, you have to open the door to get out.

So what do you have to do? You have to sit in your filth with all your, all your skin that came off. Cause you're 80. You have to sit in that filth till it drains below the bottom of the door. So you can open the door and get out. You know what time it is then time for another bath. That's right. Cause every time he gets stressed out, you shit your pants and now you're sitting in it yeah uh another front page story uh there is a pancake house that started in california and uh i think they had 300 of them around the country and they have since, for some strange reason, gone out of favor, and they've decided to change their name because they're realizing in this new atmosphere that it might be racially charged.

The chain I'm talking about, of course, is Sambo's. Not making that up. There's a pancake house called Sambo's. And if people don't realize, it's a longstanding racial slur. The roots go back to like 1899. There was a book about a dark-skinned South Indian boy named Sambo. And so it was always been used very derogatory. I don't know how this name started, but they're changing it.

They haven't announced the new name yet. Not Sambos? It's not going to be Sambos. I wonder, is Paula Deen, is she going to change her name? I'm guessing they serve Aunt Jemima syrup in Sambos just to complete the whole picture. Right. Waiters in blackface. Yeah.

What about Chick-fil-A? Can they still call it Chick-fil-A in these sensitive times? Should we call it Empowered Woman Filet? And the butter that you put on your pancakes is that sexy little Indian on Land O'Lakes. Oh, yeah, right. Didn't they just yank that image? I think that was a news story like five weeks ago.

Right, right. Little squaw, little sexy squaw on your butter. Yeah. Yeah. And no more brown sugar. Only white sugar for your coffee. Oh, man. All right.

I mean, it's one of those things it's like if i were like imagine that meeting here you are at sambo's sambo headquarters that's i can't believe there's even any they're at sambo headquarters and it's like uh we should get ahead of this it's like i'm sorry ahead of it like steve ahead of it would have been like 72 years ago and it's like yeah but i mean let's we haven't been called on it yet. Let's proactively, let's change this. And then they must have had huge fights. Like, you know, changing this will only alert people like this podcast to the fact that we still are called Sampos.

Yeah, right. Right now we're flying below the radar. Right. That was like we talked about another episode that there was an appetite suppressant called AIDS. And and there was a baby baby furniture store in Los Angeles called SIDS. Yeah. You buy your SIDS. Yeah. Right. You had some tweets for us. You talk about tweets. Did I? Hold on. Let me see. Between Trump and.

Oh, my God. Yeah. So they've noticed this. So Melania is in the East Wing and he's in the West Wing where, you know, most of most of the chaos is in the West Wing. And so they've noticed the press has noticed this pattern. And so anyway, the article's first lady, Melania Trump's messaging in the wake of the killing of George Floyd and the resulting protests around the country has frustrated the West Wing, according to a White House official. Out of sync with the law and order mantra that President Donald Trump has supported, the First Lady in a handful of tweets has noted peace and healing. healing. So on Monday, at almost exactly the same time as the president was on a conference call with governors telling them from the West Wing that they looked like jerks for being weak and unable to dominate and put down protests. She tweeted from the East Wing, focus on taking care of one another and healing our great nation. So they are literally over in the West Wing like, oh, shit. Did you see what

she just did? Like just now? Yeah. Yeah. Right. And it's going crazy. And they said there's a there's a past with this. She has supported the work of LeBron James after Trump called his intellect into question. She broke with the president on separating children from their parents at the U.S. border, calling it, quote, unacceptable. And she made a PSA about the importance of face masks after president has refused to wear one in public. Well, let's not forget her number one cause in office is stopping cyberbullying. Right. Oh, my God. Right. How ironic. Yeah. right oh my god right how ironic yeah but i just think it's so funny that she's over there like she must just sit there and like look at his tweets like uh the test you know the tests are beautiful we have plenty of tests and she's just like she tweets there are no tests

one day this will disappear like magic she's like i wish i could disappear like magic it's she's all of a sudden become a comic who's just waiting for his setups and she's just slamming her punchlines. Why are we not starting a fake Twitter account under her name? I know. And replying to everything he says.

Can we do that? I guess we can. We have extra time these days. Yeah, when Melania should tweet or something like that these days. Yeah. Yeah. When Melania should tweet or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. And then Whole Foods.

Was there a story about Whole Foods? Oh, no. Just a simple thing I was telling you. I went into Whole Foods and it was, you know, the protest out here in Southern California and just all the news. And so I did something I never do. Whole Foods had the shortest line. So that's why I went in there because it's so expensive. So I went in and I'm like, you know what? I'm going to buy flowers. And it was my daughters were coming over and I figure I'm just gonna buy flowers. So keep in mind, I have a mascot. So I go up to pay for it. And it's this black guy who's ringing me up and he's just really funny, kind of cool.

And he goes, uh, Oh, flowers. Looks like someone's in the dog house, which is a funny thing to say. But I kind of was half listening as I'm getting my credit card out. And I'm like, what? And he goes, you're in the, you're in the dog house. Is that where you get the flowers? Keep in mind, I can't see his smile and then he can't see mine. So then I'm confused. I'm like, Oh no. And I smile to let him know, like what he said was okay. He can't see his smile and then he can't see mine. So then I'm confused. I'm like, oh no. And I smile to let him know, like what he said was okay. He doesn't see that. So he just sees my eyes and I go, oh no. Um, you know, just, you know, it's, it's, it's super tough. I'm just trying to cheer up my head. You know, it's kind of tough in the house, just trying to cheer up my

house a little. And he kind of goes wide eyed and was like oh so you know i'm so sorry and because now he's thinking did someone die yeah like like what like why am i getting this and i must have looked really serious and then i go i almost like put out my hand i'm like no no no no no i'm fine listen everything's great i'm fine and of course as soon as great as soon as it came out of my mouth, I'm like, I, I'm telling a black guy, everything's great. And he can't even see my face. And meanwhile, and you know what it's like, as soon as I'm in whole foods, I I'm already hate myself for being the fucking cliche. You know, I, I, I think my shirt had like a surf logo and I'm, I don't know, fuck it. I'm just said, I'm the problem. I'm, I just think I'm the problem when I'm in Whole Foods

and here I am the problem telling this black guy, no, no, everything's great. Yeah. Now these flowers, these are for the cops. I'm going to go lay them down where cops got hit with some small rocks. I'm going to, you know, remember where the protests were? Yeah, right

in front of the tear gas, a couple of cops got hit with some bottles of urine that's where i'm gonna lay these flowers down oh my god i just left there like and then i really i don't realize how much i lose with my face covered like even before going in there, people were, this person was trying to separate, separate the carts and they couldn't separate the carts. So I'm like, uh, why don't you bang them harder? Maybe that'll work. But, but I'm smiling, which would normally make someone go, I know I'm really kind of, but I'm, but what they see is my eyes just looking at them in a menacing way. And I'm like, all, all is... No, everybody's a proud boy now. Everything you say takes on an air of aggression

that you didn't mean it to have. Totally. But like any subtleties, like if I'm online and there's some, you know, young milf in yoga pants, she can't see that I'm drooling while I stare at her. So she doesn't know the context of it. So she doesn't feel flattered.

She doesn't feel the flatter. It's a compliment. Yeah. This guy's buying flowers for cops. Don't look at me like that. Yeah. Um, all right.

What are we doing? Let's do some entertainment. Oh, hold on. There we go. All right. There we go. Um,

we got, I have Bruce Lee, man. Oh, Bruce Lee, man. Oh, talk to me. Tonight. 30 for 30 continues. I didn't watch part two of because I kind of know how it ends. No, I'll watch part two of Lance Armstrong.

You know, that was the 30 for 30. Yeah. I mean, these listen, this is America's. This should really be under sports. But this is America's sports. Now, these 30 for 30 is that they're dropping. And 30 for 30 is such a great franchise. So well done.

I know. So after Michael Jordan, it was Lance Armstrong. And now tonight, the new one, it's Bruce Lee in a documentary called Be Water. And I can't wait for it. It's very interesting. There's a lot of facts. I'm not even spoiling anything. I haven't wait for it. It's very interesting. There's a lot of facts. I'm not even spoiling anything. I haven't seen it yet.

But did you know he was born in San Francisco? That's right. And then he went to Hong Kong to get trained, right? As a kid? And then graduated high school and went to college in Seattle. No shit. Really? Yep.

Damn. No shit. Really? Yep. Damn. thinking what's so the high the hardest note to hit in opera or in anything really is the high c do do they use our american alphabet in china is it a is it a high c or is it a high some name i can't even pronounce i went so down a wormhole and i'm like yeah like just simple things like that like music how is music no, it's an A sharp. A sharp? What does that mean to a Japanese person? Jesus, how much edibles did you eat? The whole bottle.

But A through G, that means nothing. Yeah. Why that order? It makes no sense. Right. And then I looked it up. The Japanese do use, as do the Chinese, our A through G. How do they do? But the high C in Japan is called a high ha. So there, I felt validated. I only spent like seven hours. Your

father right now would be slipping his elbows off the table. Not when I land the high ha at the end. A long way to get to that hi-ha. Yeah, you got to build. You think Pavarotti hit that high C out of nowhere? You don't think the Italians rode in a ramp, rode in a ramp to those hi-has? That's right. There's no aria at the beginning of the opera.

You got to earn the aria. Everyone will leave. Imagine opening up with the high C. It's like, all right, we saw what we came for. Right. First you got to send it. They always have little people in makeup. So I also, now, correct me if I'm wrong, though, he did grow up in Hong Kong as I thought as a street kid. I thought he had to learn how to fight and might have even been in a gang in Hong Kong.

I could be talking out my ass right now. Saying, well, I believe he went to private schools because his parents were well off. Oh, then he wasn't a street. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But he did fight in the street. And he one of the reasons he switched schools and went to, I think, a Catholic school is he got in trouble. Now, the Catholic school might have been here in Seattle. And by the way, this is like talking about Star Wars. There are so many Bruce Lee fanatics out there that are that are punching the radio right now. Oh, yeah. All of Joe Rogan's fans are going to be writing in next week. Anyway, listen, he went to school and Alma and part of high school in Hong Kong was getting into fights.

And then the legend, I think, is one fight he picked and he won was with some kid that I think was from a connected family. And so the story goes that I think it was wise to get him out of the country. Wow. And then he came and his sister was living in Seattle. And so he moved to Seattle, I believe. Damn. Great review. Great review. Great review.

Having not even seen it. Next week, you're going to talk to us about having seen it, and we'll get all the facts straight. Yeah, it was, you know, didn't really have a third act. Didn't really land it like my ha-ha. They didn't even go into the Cantonese Mother Opera Star. How could they? There was no examination of translating letters into different languages. Oh, oh, I'm the weirdo. The largest population in the world is going to use our A through G.

Sure. Don't put that in the documentary about Bruce Lee, you morons. And why Bruce? That's not an Asian name. I mean, I looked at it for five hours. No other Bruce is in Asia. B followed by an R, U, C. It makes no sense over there. It would sound like Bluce. Oh, no. I saw the Jeffrey Epstein documentary series. Did you see that? No, I did not. I do want to see it. I heard it's pretty riveting. It's riveting, but I almost stopped watching after the second episode because it's very graphic about these girls that are as young as 12 and 13 years old.

No, no, no, no, no. That young? Seriously? Yeah. I mean, most of them were more like 15, 16, 17. But there were some 12-year-olds. There were some 12-year-olds. There were some 14-year-olds. And look, which is,

if you're a 15-year-old boy, I would say dive into this documentary because that's not going to seem creepy at all. You know, you'll actually be very appropriately turned on by the fact that there are 14-year-old girls having sex in a house. Bad job. Your family elbows all legitimately just dropped off the table and they're staring at you wide awake. Their chins are where their elbows had just been.

Couple are smashing their heads continually on the table. Please. Please, no. No 15-year-olds watch it. And be turned on by men sleeping with 15-year-olds. Not only men, but he was fucking old. So gross. And he preyed on girls that were especially poor. And these pedophiles are able to locate.

There's something about, well, he didn't locate them. He basically would meet one girl and then use her to recruit other girls. He would pay them $200 each to come give him a massage, but then he would give another $200 to the girl that brought the girls to him. So these- They have a name for that. Pimping? It's called a pimp. That's exactly right. Right. But they were but they were 15, 16 year old girls doing it. But he recognized that they were from bad families. Most of them had already been molested. There was nothing innocent about it. It was actually just extremely cynical to take somebody whose life has already been so damaged and then using that against them. It was very troubling.

And then you get it. And the only reason I kept watching. That's also pimping, by the way. It's like textbook. Right. And that's also why I kept watching is I wanted to see what other scumbags were involved. Bill Clinton was on his plane 26 times. Are you serious?

Yeah. Claims he never went to his island, but somehow was on his plane 20. Cause you gotta, you gotta, there's a flight log. You have to sign in when you go on somebody's plane. I think that would,

that sounds like the worst defense. Like if I was his lawyer, I'm like, no, no, Bill, please say you at least took the plane to an Island. Cause otherwise you're just on the plane to meet young women. Yeah. Right. If the

planes are rocking, don't come a knocking. It's just parked over there by the hangar. That's Bill. It's just a little bill time. Yeah. Oh, it's not, we know you don't have to refuel. Don't worry about it. Yeah. So, uh, so there was a lot of creepy dudes. Chris Tucker was on the plane. Well, what's his name? Alan Dershowitz is a piece of shit. The worst. That guy has defended the worst people in America.

He knew that Epstein was molesting little girls, and he went to the island all the time. Um, the Prince of, uh, who, one of the princes, I don't pay attention to the fucking Royal family,

but one of the princes was over there. Was it Albert? I don't know. Is that just Prince Albert in the can? Andrew? Yeah, I think it was Andrew. All right. One of them.

We all know who it is because they say the Royal family had a lot of interest in him not living. You have no doubt by the end of it that he was killed in prison. There's zero chance that he committed suicide. It's almost like a superpower boardroom got together who all had an interest in this guy not living. But I'm also thinking if you're going to line up your conspiracy theories in order of believability, would you put that he was also, apparently this documentary from what I read talks about how wealthy, like it was more wealth than we thought even. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. Anyway, he's obviously super wealthy that he could have arranged to kill himself. In other words, why does he want to live? Well, he redid his will right before he died. Oh, the day of. The day of. Yeah, and he left everything to his brother, who, if he has a shred of decency, will take half of that money, which is close to a billion dollars, take half of it and give it to the victims. That's not even a question.

I would say way more than half. Well, I'm just saying at the very least, I mean, what's 500 million versus a billion dollars to a human being in one lifetime? By the way, I'm wondering if you could change your will while you're imprisoned on charges where people, there might be, you know, I guess that's not a civil law. I guess the civil lawsuit hadn't begun yet. No, civil comes after the legal one. No, no. There were civil lawsuits pending against him at the time.

But the thing is, once you're legally convicted, then the civil lawsuits become a lot easier to prosecute. Because, you know, there's all these things like if you move money around, which is big amounts of money, which is a red flag, even if there's no reason to suspect, but it's just like, okay, well, what's that person up to? And there are a lot of cases where someone will all of a sudden move money around and give money away and all this before they die. And in some cases, all the money that was given away the year leading up to they die their death comes back huh it comes back to be recalculated like who were the years before this and all that stuff it happens yeah so i'm wondering you know a lot about this yeah well i'm moving money around because i got tested for the

coronavirus today yeah um all right and then uh i also saw a film last night with my wife and I'm I I studied a lot of Irish history in college and you and I both. Are you 100 percent Irish? No, my grandmother is Scottish and Canadian. She was born in Canada. Wow. So you really mixed it up. And I'm all of my grandparents are from Ireland and I feel very connected to it. And, uh, so I'm reading a book right now called, uh, say nothing, which is about the troubles, you know, from the late sixties into the mid seventies. You should put that, you should put that title on a sign and go to some of these protests. Hey, have you guys read this?

Hey, say nothing. I'm worth a read. So I'm reading that, and then so I decided to watch this film that everybody's been telling me to watch called The Wind That Shook the Barley. Never heard of it. Or The Wind That Shakes the Barley. And it's about the 1920s

when the Irish Revolution was going on. And Jesus Christ, man, I fucking hate the English. When you talk about the Germans and what the Nazis did in World War II, it pales in comparison to what the British have perpetrated around this world for the last, you know, fucking thousand years. They destroyed Ireland. They came in and crushed it. They wiped out the language, the musical instruments,

their own freely elected governments. They took all of their means of production. Everything was taken away. And anyway, I highly recommend this film it was made i think it was made about 20 years ago um well yeah when they colonized the world it was it was really systematic yeah it truly was there was such a sense of entitlement about it when why is your family in america are there four different stories or are there two stories? Well, the grandparent I relate to the strongest is my mother's father,

Florence McCarthy, and he was one of 13. And he came over, I think he was one of the youngest. And they would do that, by the way. They would do that. The families, and that's an irish wake but the families would often the oldest would stay to take care of the parents that's exactly what happened only one of them stayed behind and it was the oldest and one by one they saved up they lived in a two-room fucking mud hut and one by one they shipped the kids over to america

mostly to the bronx some to boston some over in Missouri, not Missouri, Montana. And so, yeah, he basically he was in the IRA, though. He was a runner for the IRA. He ran messages around. So what side? Well, here, I'll just tell you my grandfather's brief story. But the reason my grandfather came is he kind of had to for his life. Same thing. Mud hut. Tons of brothers and sisters. But my grandfather was very active. And then when the treaty came with the English half, you know, a great portion of Ireland. I should know so much more about this, said, OK, let's take it. And then the half of my grandfather was like, fuck that.

Right. That's what we're getting. That's what we're fighting for. Fuck that. So he was in prison. Basically, the deal was the British were going to give the Irish autonomy or at least the Southern Irish. Yeah, they were going to they were going to keep the Northern Ireland as still part of the UK.

And then the Republic of Ireland would be their own government, but they would be answerable to the king. Exactly. Same money, the royalty on their currency, all that stuff, I think. So anyway, I don't know if I went that far. But anyway, when he was being let out of jail, it was like you have a real decision to make because the one we don't know who's how this vote, how it's going to pan out.

But if you're on the losing side, it is not going to be good for you. Right. And so he had to get out of Ireland. He had to get out of Ireland. Right. Yeah. There were the free staters, which are the ones that wanted to take the deal. And they basically just took the uniforms from the British and started, you know, policing their own people. And it was it was literally one of those brother versus brother kind of situations. Just so listeners are clear on what's going on in this week. Greg and I are talking about the repressed white people of Ireland. But you know what? It actually resonated with me that the Irish were very much, you know, they there is there have been comparisons to them being the black people of Europe, that they were occupied, they were enslaved, they were beaten, they were held

without charges. Their culture was stripped away. And I don't think you can put it on the same scale as what Africans and then African-Americans later went through. But there is something that resonates in watching that. As I watched this film last night, I was like, wow, it kind of gave me even more understanding of, or I don't know how much understanding I have of what African-Americans are going through right now or what they've been going through. Um, but I think it gave me some emotional, a little bit more emotional insight into that because I did have a very visceral reaction to this film. No. And I actually think it is appropriate in this way, which is it is just talking about repressed people and and a very, very lopsided existence

where the powers that be are keeping them down. And I love that that's a universal thing. And that's exactly what's going on here. And it's gigantic. And it affects way more people than what we're talking about. And it's not a matter of comparing it. It's just really relating it to it. And yeah, I mean, that should be remembered. You know, Jay-Z took out a full page. Do you hear about this Jay-Z ad now? Oh, so Jay-Z with in conjunction with a bunch of other people has taken out a full page ad in many, many newspapers. And it's this amazing Martin Luther King quote. The full page is basically this quote. And one of the things it's one of his famous quotes where he's like, let me just find a thing here. Let me just find a thing here. He was 36 years old, MLK, when he talked about this. And if a man happens to be a 36-year-old, as I happen to be, some great truth stands before the door of his life,

some great opportunity to stand for that which is right and that which is just. And he refuses to stand up because he wants to live a little longer and he's afraid his home will little longer. And he's afraid of his home. He's afraid his home will get bombed, or he's afraid that he will lose his job, or he's afraid that he will get shot or beat down by state troopers. He may go to live on until he's 80. He's just as dead at 36 as he would be at 80. And the secession of breathing in his life is merely the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit. He died. And I always remember, I mean, I remember seeing that in college. It's such a profound quote that's related to basically, I guess, what my grandfather did, which is, listen, you kind of see the way the tide's going. Do you want to just shut up and kind of put this in, take this one for the team and you'll get to stay here. You'll get to live here. You'll get to do all this. And I

think a lot of people now are like, what stand do I take? Especially people who aren't as close to it, you know, namely white people. And anyway, it's, they chose that quote by design, obviously, and put a lot of thought into it. And I just thought it was very, very poignant, you know? Well, and it's also interesting because when you look at revolutions, they usually don't happen when things are at their worst. They usually happen when there's some glimmer of hope for the oppressed people. And that's happened in, you know, that happened in the point being like in Ireland at that time. This was 1920 that we're talking about. World War I had just happened.

Tons of Irish died. They were put in the front lines by the British. They fought for the British because the British told them, if you do this, we'll give you independence. They then went back on that. So the Ireland lost tons of people. They were used as cannon fodder, basically. There was the worldwide pandemic. The Spanish flu had just ended. More people died during that. So it was a time that the Irish were not... They just wanted some semblance of normalcy. They

wanted to start making money again. There was starvation going on. One in four Irish people was unemployed. There was a tremendous amount of starvation. So that's not when that's usually when you can appease when you can subjugate the oppressed

is when things are that far down. Anyway, let's get to more entertainment, Mike. I don't know if I, well. Let's do international. Should we switch over to international? Yeah, yeah, I have international. Hold on, let me find the international section.

Oh, there it is right there. How about that? So international. A Catholic bishop. It doesn't sound international when I say this, but a Catholic bishop in El Paso, Texas. Let's see here. Would be met with a phone call of gratitude. He got a phone call from the Pope this week. And it's because, let's see here, with eyes closed, masks covering their faces, white roses in hand, and handwritten signs that read Black Lives Matter.

written signs that read Black Lives Matter. Bishop Seitz is his name and 12 other priests from El Paso knelt in silence for eight minutes and 46 seconds on Monday. Two days after the prayer, Seitz had just finished celebrating mass when he got a call on a cell phone from the pontiff himself. So I'm reading this story. I'm like, what does the Pope have to say? And he told the bishop how grateful he was for his response to Floyd's death. And I didn't think I didn't think that would be the case. And by the way, he goes in Spanish. Pope Francis told sites how grateful he was for Floyd's death. I thought maybe the bishop didn't quite understand him.

Like, hola, bandejo. Estas. Que es eso? Estas jodidamente loco? And then his friends there, you know, meanwhile, the little like probably altar boys like, what's he saying? Little Spanish Mexican altar boy in Texas like, all good. All good. He says you're doing a good job.

Yeah, the altar boys are on the other extension going, tell him the truth. And what does Pandejo mean? Oh, solid. You're solid. You're a solid dude. Totally solid. Meanwhile, the Pope is screaming. Como se dice, we still think gay marriage is gravely immoral.

Like, what are you not getting about this? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, how many battles can we pick right now? Jesus Christ, we're going broke. No doubt. Are you kidding me? Here's another one that's Spanish, but over in European Spanish, over on the mainland. Spanish porn star.

You think you live a wild life, Mike? I mean, you've lived a pretty interesting life, haven't you? I know this story. I mean, really, you're a guy who has worked in television. You met a lot of celebrities. You've been arrested for stealing a car. I mean, what a life. What a life you could tell your kids.

Not like Nacho Vidal. Spanish porn star Nacho Vidal is under investigation for manslaughter after a man died during a ceremony involving toad venom. So this guy, Nacho Vidal, who, by the way, has done 10,000 scenes in a porn career spanning 26 years. I don't even know that I have a sex life spanning 26 years. Never mind. High-level porn fucking. And so basically what happened is

there's this mystic ritual that he involved this guy in where you inhale the vapors of a toad. There's a certain type of a toad. It's a Colorado, believe it or not, a project I worked on, comedy, wrote about this. It's a Colorado river.

That's the informal name, toad. It's from the southwest of America. These fuckers have it in Spain. So apparently you inhale the venom, you lick the toad, and you start to trip. There's a bunch of different things I've heard. One was there's something where you agitate it where it could actually spit. Yeah.

And you're supposed to have it spit in your mouth. But no matter what, yeah, okay. So basically you get it from essentially ingesting something from the toad through your mouth. I mean, it's just— And then you—wait, you left out, you trip your balls off. You trip your balls off. It's apparently the most intense trip you can have. And I just think about Nacho Vidal

and, like, the way, the choices he's made. And what have I done? I won a few daytime Emmys. No big deal. Oh, he's probably so jealous of that. Oh, there they are. I put him way up there yeah i've i had a three-way once but i didn't even we didn't even close there was no intercourse

this guy nacho vidal is tripping on fucking toad semen with another guy and the guy can you call it a three-way if you never close? Sounds like a no-way. You didn't close on a three-way? It was an almost-way. There was some oral exploration. There was manual exploration. There was no intercourse. What have you done? What's the closest you got to a three-way?

I've watched Nacho Vidal in a couple of three-ways. Does that count? Traceways. Yeah. And, you know, but I love it. I love it. I mean, first of all, when I think about taking drugs, like I've never taken acid because I don't trust that one drug.

You've never taken acid? No, I've taken mescaline a lot. Oh, wow. All right. I've taken mushrooms a lot, cocaine a lot, crack. I did crack once. Did you? Well, I don't know if it's technically crack, but a guy cooked cocaine, and then he put

it in a joint, and we smoked it. I don't know. Is that crack? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, so, but I could never, like, how do you gauge something that shoots out of a fucking frog as, like, not too much of the drug? Oh, no, right, exactly. Yeah, a little hard.

Ooh, I'm not feeling anything. Can I, is the toad still around? I think I could use more. I mean, maybe the toad's sick. Does that make it better, worse? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could use more. I mean, maybe the toad's sick. Does that make it better, worse? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. All right.

Also on international, they're talking about- Can you rub the toad on brownies? Maybe that's an easier way to do it. Can we stuff them in a bong? So around the world, they're talking about all the support that we're getting from uh australia and uh japan oh paris sweden the the protest went violent in paris it's amazing but i love that it's like in place like sweden you know black when they say black lives matter they mean leroy leroy's life matters yeah it's really a different thing there but yeah it is beautiful to see yeah no it's amazing and uh you know this is gonna this i

don't know how long this is gonna last but this is the 10th 10th or 11th day that protests have been going on they seem to be less riotous, right? They're getting more controlled as we go. Yeah. They seem to be heating up more around the world. There's a million man march, I think, in the works. I know that. Wow. No, no, that would be good. I'd love that. You know. Yeah, I have a lot of ideas on it. And, you know, it's very hard. I actually spoke to the Santa Monica police. We don't have to go into that. But listen, it's hard. It's a hard thing to police. Please, I just trust that people, listeners, know who I am and where this is coming from.

Uh-oh. But no, no. I'll just keep it brief. Just, you know, the guy in Santa Monica brought up some good points on like, you know, I was like, do you regret using the tear gas? Because it was relatively peaceful. And anyway, it was like, do you regret using the tear gas? Because it was relatively peaceful. And anyway, it was an interesting conversation. But it is good to see this around the world. Changing gears, getting away from the hot tub.

Do you see the racial harmony of what I'm eating right now? Am I allowed to call it a black and white cookie? It's a black and white cookie. Although they call it. I see you're trying to be pretty equal about it. I always eat half and half at the same time. But they're actually not called black and white cookie. Although they call it. I see you're trying to be pretty equal about it. I always eat half and half at the same time. But they're actually not called black and white. At Trader Joe's, they call them half moon cookies, which is fucking bullshit.

They're black and white cookies. They're sidestepping that issue. Totally. Oh, really? Oh, boy. Do they call it like a Asian chicken salad? Probably not Oriental. You know, some restaurants still call it Oriental chicken salad here in Los Angeles

because we would order like the writer's room would order from it. And I'm like, good for them sticking to their guns. Oh, I didn't know that ever changed. I thought it stayed Oriental. I think Chinese chicken salad is the more popular one now. Definitely when I grew up, it was the Oriental restaurant in town. It wasn't a Chinese restaurant. It was Oriental.

Yeah, Oriental has gone out of favor. Huh. Yeah. I knew it did for people, but I didn't know it did for food or rugs. It's still an Oriental rug, right? I guess so. Yeah, right? Let's ask our daughters. They know. Oh, no? I guess so. Yeah, right? Let's ask our daughters.

They know. Oh, no, no, no. You can't ask them anything about that. They're so up in arms any time. I don't even think they like the word Chinese. Yeah. So forget about it. All right.

Another international story. Prince William, who's technically the Duke of Cambridge, he revealed he has secretly been volunteering to assist people struggling with mental health issues during the coronavirus lockdown. So he's on a phone bank and he's talking to people because factually the suicide rate has gone up. And the longer it goes on, there's more people struggling with mental health issues. So a prince and the royal family. Can we play this out? Can I be the guy that calls in?

Let me be the guy that calls in. All right, sure. Hello. Oh, yes. Hi. Should I do a British accent? Yeah. I'm just wondering, I lost my job because of Corona.

My wife is very sick from it. Right. I'm African-American, and there's been a lot of white people throwing bottles in my window. That is many strikes against you. Yeah. And we got gassed yesterday. I'm feeling a little bit down and I'm just wondering if you could offer me some support. First of all, I'm going to ditch the English accent. No, that's what he said. all, I'm going to ditch the English accent. No, that's what he said. He has a very good American accent, which is tinged with some New York. Okay. First of all, most importantly, I want to know, I hear you. So you are heard. But what I've heard is still not as crazy as my brother,

who pulled a Megxit with a black chick and left our family. Seriously. He moved to Hollywood from the palace. Yeah, but my father left me when I was a child. Yeah, but you went from nothing to nothing. Look what this guy did. He could have done it in a better way. And he married one of you. Are these recorded? Could have done it in a better way. And he married one of you.

Did I just, are these recorded? He must pull some long shifts because he's got a lot to deal with for himself. They're like, okay, William, William, we're going to take you, you're going to be in more of a supportive role behind the phones. So put the phone down, please. Put the telly down. That's good. Also in international news, the rainforest in Brazil has been getting fucking attacked during Corona because they don't have the resources to police things.

And I guess the guy who's the president of Rio de Janeiro is Rio of Brazil has put out a mandate that they should just start fucking clear cutting it for business. And so, yeah, it's bad. They've lost like 500 square miles, have been cut down just since April. And I mean, you got to imagine that the rainforest at this point, it's just shrinking. It's literally, if you look at it from an aerial view, it's starting to resemble a Brazilian woman's pubes. It's just a thin strip. It smells kind of smoky. Two giant hills. Two giant. Giant bald hills.

A lot of earthquakes in the hills. There's a river. There's a dam right in the middle of it this is how we deal with that news story meanwhile it's one of those things in a weird way you might become a hero for uniting the country because everyone's gonna be in the street beating the shit out of each other and they'll be like huh like they all look over to the disappearing forest like, what the fuck are you doing? We're in a race riot over here. Can you let us finish?

Oh, so much shit is happening on the periphery right now in the news. It's crazy. We aren't even dealing with so many things. We pulled out of the World Health Organization and there's a lot. Politicians, you know what, man? I bet the I bet the Romanians and Romans that that's the oldest trick in the book. I mean, you remember you remember they would the Bush administration would put in unrelated crazy things they wanted to pass in the 9-11 like, you know, a legislature.

Yeah. It always and you know, it's there. Well, both. Yeah. Democrats do it too. Of course. It's pork. Yeah. And, you know, Democrats do it too, of course. It's pork, yeah. Let's go to science, Mike.

You got that section of the paper? I think it's... There it is. Got it. Science, baby. SpaceX. We talked about them last week.

They were just launching. Well, guess what? They made it. Nice. They got onto the moon. They got to the space station and they captured the flag, which I guess is a little game

the astronauts like to play. One guy puts up a flag and the other guys go and they steal the flag. So they said, basically, they're going to hang out in the space station for some time between one and four months, which

I got to think, I got to think if the astronauts have the CNN app on their phones, going to be closer to four months, maybe five or six. Yeah. You know what? Hey, Doug, you can turn the oxygen level up in my air. You know what? We don't have to ration that much. Let's just let's just live it up. We I don't even want any for the return trip home, which will not be happening anyway. Right. Yeah. Six feet. Why don't we call it six light years?

Like, can you let's switch? I'd rather I don't want to look at Earth anymore. Can you put my window towards Mars? Yeah, it's like an airplane. There's like one of those little shutters you can pull down. On the left side of the craft, you'll see a total shit show. And that smell coming is not from the space station. That's actually tear gas coming off from...

How is this feeling so heavy? We're supposed to be in zero gravity, and I just feel like I'm absolutely suffocating under the heaviness of all this drama. Also, in science, people are noticing a lot of wildlife spilling into the cities. Coyotes in San Francisco. There's a lot of birds singing, waking people up they're not used to. Snakes. Apparently rats are fucking everywhere.

Because there's no food in the dumpsters. And rats live in dumpsters. Yeah, all the restaurants, which is the places that throw out the most food. Yeah, that's not happening anymore, right? No, there's a disruption in the ecosystem. I mean, it's as simple as that. The urban ecosystem. Yeah.

So it's kind of cool. I haven't seen, I'm trying to think if we saw any. We had a possum the other night, but that's normal. We have possums out here. Well, L.A., yeah, I wonder. But L.A.'s ecosystem is always, like, disrupted because, you know, the fires last year sent so much wildlife down into, you know, Westlake Village and all those places.

Yeah. So, yeah, it's hard to tell out. L.A. is so unusual that way. It's hard to tell. Well, what's weird is there's mountain lions in L.A. Yeah. So yeah, it's hard to tell out. LA is so unusual that way. It's hard to tell. Well, what's weird is there's mountain lions in LA and they have very large territories. Like one mountain lion needs something like 30 or 40 square miles of that's his terrain. And so they fight and then you have to go find your own terrain. And they found that they were only located in the Santa Monica mountains for a long period of time.

And all of a sudden they appeared out by like, uh, um, uh, uh, Pasadena, which means a mountain lion ran across 12 lanes on the four Oh five right through town and got to fucking Pasadena.

Right. Probably had ways. to fucking Pasadena. Right. Probably had waves. I'm guessing he had waves. The, you know, a lot of them die of rat poison. They, and it's not the rat poison. They eat the rats. Oh, no shit.

That have been poisoned. Yeah, that happened. They just lost, you know, they're all numbered, which is so sad. But they lost a mountain lion a couple of months ago. And the fear is, though, she was hunting for her cubs. So there's that. Yeah. Real upbeat podcast this week, Mike. How about we how about we cheer it up with a little Dear Amy?

OK, I have a dear. There we go. I have a dear Amy. Oh, one quick news story and business news. Just just on the way, just quickly. I read a headline that restaurants and bars can open and the headline was like restaurants and bars can reopen, you know, with certain limitations. Newsome says, but I read, I read it so fast. Our governor's name is Newsome. And I literally thought it said news mom says, and I'm i'm like well what the fuck does the news mom know now i'm getting my news from a news mom i was a little tired when i like maybe it's like it's a soccer mom whose kid like went off to college and now she just sits around like you know fucking reading the news all day yeah it's like yeah it's exactly it's uh but i love the news newsletter yeah i love that um essential businesses are opening like restaurants are essential when is it going to be essential for people to have to sit in a dark room eating chicken wings

watching me tell dick jokes again and then buying my fucking dvd and my t-shirt after the show. That seems essential. Yeah. Get News Mom on it. Okay, Dear Amy, this is the Ask Amy column. Yeah. Because we are getting more letters, but until we do, we are going to take advice columns from other newspapers. I got this from the Chicago Tribune. So this Ask Amy, which is, that's the title, but then it starts every time with Dear Amy.

Dear Amy, my son is in seventh grade and he recently has started coming home with gross and obnoxious jokes. Some of his favorites are your mom jokes and all, which is weird that he's telling those to his mom. And also a joke in which the punch line is, quote, that's what she said. A few weeks ago at a company barbecue, a minor incident happened involving a hot dog. I made an innocuous comment and my son shouted from the table. That's what she said. The yard was filled. The yard was filled with nervous laughter.

By the way, I bet it was raucous laughter. I bet it was real laughter. This was extremely embarrassing. It needs to stop. Signed, Mortified Mom. Dear Mortified Mom, maybe you shouldn't set up your son so easily. What did you say at the barbecue? Whoops, this wiener just slipped down my entire throat.

Oh, no. Hot dog just fell in my pussy. That hot dog looks like it needs a nice warm bun around it. What do you think he's going to do? I don't know. Should I have ketchup or mustard? Somebody squirt something on this hot dog. Don't let him watch the fucking office,

lady. Oh, that's great. I love that kid. Yeah, yeah. Dear Mortified, you have a perfectly healthy son. Don't get in his way. Don't crush that spirit. Yeah, right. And stop cooking hot. Switch to hamburgers, you dumb bitch.

Yeah, what'd you have for dessert? Apricots? Oh, God. Let's go to sports. Next week, I'm going to try a different meat. He can't help himself. He's in the corner now. That's what she said.

It works 75% of the time for whatever anybody says. Yeah, I know. Especially disciplining him. She's probably like, get over there where I'm going to beat you. That's what she said. Like, no matter what it is. You are staying in your room all weekend. That's what she said.

It doesn't end. Totally. Alright, let's do some sports, Mike. Sports. What do we got? We got the sports page. There. Right there. It's the sports page. I'm cranking up comics I can't read. Did I say I have sports?

I have one sports. Well, yeah, you were going to talk about Roger Goodell, right? Yeah, I don't think I landed on any good jokes. But, you know, Goodell, basically the NFL has announced that kneeling is fine, which, you know, Trump freaked out at. But in his speech, though, Roger Goodell, the commissioner, he very conspicuously, which everyone caught on to, did not mention the name Kaepernick. And essentially there's, you know, a call out that maybe they owe him an apology. Now, I know there was a lawsuit and it was settled. But, you know, it's a really interesting issue where, first of all, so many people misunderstood

his gesture, you know, his protest. Yeah. And then even still. And Drew Brees, of all, so many people misunderstood his gesture, you know, his protest. Yeah. And then, and even still, and Drew Brees, of course, was in the news this week because Drew Brees, misunderstanding what that protest was about, thought it was disrespecting the flag. And then he got woke pretty quickly, but it seemed, in my book, it seemed pretty genuine. And he did a total about- face, really owned it and apologized. And then the president criticized him for for apologizing and not sticking to his guns. So, you know, it's a really interesting issue. And I think I mean, unwittingly, everyone is going to be watching. I mean, I'm watching the NFL, even if I don't care about the game now. You know what I mean?

Right. Yeah, we're going to. I think everybody's going to take a knee. It's going to really highlight the fucking raging, like, guys that went to Ole Miss and are now playing professional football. Those are the only guys not taking a knee. I just think that, you know, it was such a peaceful, symbolic gesture. You can debate if that was the right venue for it and all that stuff. But, you know, it was raising an issue that clearly needs to be addressed. Well, it's just as gross that,

look, the history of the national anthem being played at sporting events is they didn't used to be. There was a time where people went and they watched dumb sports to escape from their mundane lives. It had nothing to do with the country. It wasn't American to go get, to go pay money, to watch guys play sports. But then all of a sudden the, uh, the armed services needed, uh, recruits. And so they went out and they started trying to couple the two ideas of sports in America. That's the history of it, really? Oh, totally. And they went in and they pay money every time they play the national anthem.

What? The military pays for that. And anytime you see a soldier who's awarded something on the field at halftime or whenever, that is paid for by the military. It is a very concerted effort to reach us. You mean by us? Well, exactly. But it's a very concerted effort by the military to reach that demographic of, you know, mostly white men that

are gung ho and a little bit blindly following things with passion. And they figured those are the people that will join the armed forces. About 40 beers in. Don't forget that part. So why is it that suddenly taking a knee at that is any less political than what they did? Yep. All right. The NBA is going to play at Disneyland.

You heard that? Disney World? No, I didn't hear that. In Orlando. So it's Disney World. The NBA is going to come back and do their postseason. And the NHL, I think it's the 2014 playoff in July. We said that last week, but I think that's still in play.

So we're going to get some sports without fans pretty soon. I'm sure there's a joke there about Cleveland not noticing the difference or whatever it is. I was going to go Jets, but, yeah, you can go Cleveland. Yeah. Go ahead. I know J jets hits hard for you um other story in sports a tennis player by the name of nicholas basalijvi who is uh ranked number 27 in the world was charged with violence against his wife i have his girlfriend or his wife, following an agreement, he was charged in Georgia.

I guess he's Russian. And I guess he hit her. But, I mean, according to the report, the first hit was really strong. But they say he took a lot off the second one. All right. That's. Is that wrong? Is that a bad joke to make?

Hey, I'm so sorry. My audio went out. What were you saying? Is that a bad joke to make? No, I just laugh because I could tell by your physical rhythm that you had landed a punchline. But I actually didn't hear it. You know, maybe he argued that. Whatever. Let's move on.

I only heard the setup. Was the wife looting? Because then half our country will be on his side. Let's go to etiquette. This is different than advice. This is etiquette. Maybe we should combine these two segments. Maybe. It's a little confusing, yeah. All right, this is etiquette. This is etiquette. Maybe we should combine these two. Maybe. It's a little confusing, yeah.

All right, this is etiquette. This is from the New York Times. It's called the Q's section or something like that. It's about etiquette. Okay. Straight at, ripped from the pages of the New York Times. I ran into a friend in the lobby of our building. I thought we were friends anyway.

She is black. I am white. And protests over racist policing have been raging in our city. Thank you. First, I made sure her teenage son was safe. I was worried after seeing news reports. He's fine. Then I told her I was sad to see the protest turn violent, that I sincerely believe violence and hatred only beget more of the same. I'm already uncomfortable. Keep going. How long is this elevator? Please tell me they lived on the third floor. At that point, she rolled her eyes, said she envied me and walked away. Did I do something wrong?

Listen, do you need some money? Yeah. Your son's okay. You've heard my apology. I did this. I'd feel better. It's not a, it's not charity. Just take it. How about this? I'm going to drop it on the floor. I'm going to get off. You do whatever you want with it. Okay. I just want to help. Look, I I'm so sorry. Uh, this is all going on and I'm S I'm sorry about the, sorry about how difficult it must be getting the kink out of your hair and, God, the ashy elbows. Anyway, I'm pulling for you. Did I say anything wrong? Listen, I see you're on five. I'll get off at five.

You go to the penthouse today. Let's just do it. We'll do it. Let's try it for a month. Let's see how it goes. I'd feel better. It's for me. You're doing this for me.

Right. Now, I know Christmas is coming up. And look, I'll tip the doorman for you this year. I know you guys don't. It's weird. We live in the same building, but our sons go to different school, public schools. I just want you to know I always thought about that. I don't know what happened there parentheses i thought we were friends anyway yeah the kind of friend that you know you fucking patronize she starts off a little like sort of feeling her out like

kanye's sunday service week. That was pretty good, huh? Hey, that Kendrick's new album, I mean, were you expecting that? Yeah. How about the black guy winning America's Got Talent? I mean, how about America's Got Talent? It's good, huh? Oh, I love jazz. Is that Coltrane they're playing in this elevator music?

Let's do some... Oh, boy. Listener mail, Mike. Oh, let's do it. This woman, Joanne, wrote in. She says, I seem to have a crush on these guys. Wait a minute. You read the...

I think you just like reading this. You read the... There's no way two women wrote that. No, this is the third time. There's no way two women wrote that. No, this is the third time. I'm just going to read it every week. And this time she's like, until. This one comes from somebody, O'Brien.

It's not me and my wife. It's not me and Owen. It's not me and Mike Gibbons. It's my wife and I. Owen and I. Mike Gibbons and I. Do you think your dad went to all that trouble to write your college essays to have you learn nothing? Lots of love. Boy, he really told you and me.

Why doesn't he Google that? Because that's correct. That's what I was going to say. I think you're right. It depends where is it the subject of the object. Right. I mean, look, I can't explain it, but I just I remember reading that it's that that that whole my wife and I thing is is some sort of like antiquated version of English. It's like an old English.

Me can't explain it. Go forth and say Mike Gibbons and I. Yeah. Scoundrel. Boy, he really told Greg and I would be incorrect. This one is from, oh boy, here we go. Here we go, Mike. Family Circus.

Somebody sent us an article about how the oldest U.S. awards in comics has just given the National Cartoonist Society award to Jeff Keen, Family Circus artist. And he was the former head of the organization

as well. So he got the big award of the organization as well. So he got the big award, and I guess his father did. Originally, Bill Keene, who started Family Circus. What award? Did he get Best Sport because his dad died, and he's still trying to keep it alive? Did he get Third Place Most Improved? Is this a gold star?

What award could he possibly have got? Best setups? It's not a full award. It's the first half of an award without the funny part at the end. Right. Greatest business model? Shitting out things without giving it a thought and then getting and owning five homes with it?

It's a statue of a cow where you just fucking milk it year after year. Oh, my God. All of these are better than a family circus. And then other cartoon letters we got. Scott Mansfield said, let me help, please. Hagar, Cicada. I guess we were talking about those insects last week. I think I said Cicada. It's Cicada, and it is

Hagar, and also the lives of Dennis Wilson and Natalie Merchant, and Natalie Woods, Natalie Merchant, do not intersect. Both drowned in separate, interesting incidents. I had them dying together. Better story. Yes. I think I might have called that out at the time because I remember wondering if it was Christopher Walken. Yeah.

Who was on the boat. Also, Keith Hebert also said, I had to know, so I Googled it. And according to the author, it's Hagar, like Sammy Hagar. I'm sure 352 people already sent a similar email. About 351. He was 352. I don't like that name as well. No, I like Hager.

I like Hager. I'm going to stick with Hager. And then this one comes in from, oh, you're going to like this, Mike. I'm enjoying Sunday papers. You and Mike together are the highlight of my pod listening week. I do want to- I don't know if that's a compliment, but go ahead. I do want to comment on your pronunciation of the never relevant Hager strip. I have always pronounced it Hager, like you're pronouncing it Hager, like the stupid pants they sell at JCPenney. Ready for this?

I think I have a small crush on Mike Gibbons, Carrie from Sacramento, California. She switched gears pretty quickly in that letter, huh? Yep. Yep. All right. She buried the lead. Buried the lead. You ever make it up to Sacramento, Mike?

Not since I got the coronavirus. Oh, yeah. I'm isolated. So sorry, Carrie. It's going to be 14 days before you hear me say whisper hagger in your ear. And that will be a deal breaker for a moment. Because I'm pronouncing it wrong. All right.

So listen, it's time. We've done it again, Mike. We've gotten right, so listen. It's time. We've done it again, Mike. We've gotten through the hard news. We always do. It takes a while. It's delicate times. I feel like we struck a nice balance for two straight and privileged white guys, hopefully.

And now we reward ourselves and our listeners with the Sunday comics. Is that my cue, or do we put there you go or do we put music okay there's music also we do the paper noise and then in post you should listen to the podcast one week there's all these really great there's these great little stings that happen before each uh before each section of the. I think you sent me one of the letters or whatever, and they're like, where did the music go? And I'm like, what music? Yeah. Let's start with our favorite, Hager the Horrible.

I love Hager. You know him. Hager, Hager, Hager. Hager is, you know, oh, wait, I can't believe this one. This isn't even the one I was looking at. Really? Did I, tell me if I read this one already or not. Go ahead.

I'll know. I can't remember anything. I remember these. Oh no, we did the read this one. Go forth and fight for your women. And then the guy says, Hmm, that didn't motivate them. And he goes, go forth and fight for the enemy's And then the guy says, hmm, that didn't motivate them. And he goes, go forth and fight for the enemy's women.

And he goes, there you go. Now this is a different one. This is when he's home with Helga. That's the one where domestic rape wasn't strong enough incentive. They gotta get strange. Strange rape. Did we read this one? I gotta start. I have

the worst ADD, so I never remember anything. I don't think we read this one. I got to start. I have the worst ADD, so I never remember anything. I don't think we read this one. Hager is sitting in his chair. Helga has an armful of laundry. It's Helga. Go ahead. And she's got laundry in her hands. And he says, Helga, would you get me a cold beer while you're up

and she says can't you see i have my hands full and he goes that's okay i'll wait till you put i'll wait till you put it down that's like a fucking borscht belt comic joke i'll wait till you put it down and then she just keeps walking. She better have a smile ear to ear that rape was not leveraged for that. That's right. There was no rape. He didn't raise his hand. And, you know, and there's none of his buddies are loitering, looking at her like we're going to work a fucking Viking three-way after this. That almost seems like he's been reading Andy Kapp because it's definitely been toned down

to just emotionally abusive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She must be like, what's he's really lost. She's no longer attracted to him. Guy's getting soft on him. What is this?

The Middle Ages Alan Alda? Let me get this straight. Did you just tell me I can finish my focus on this chore and then bring you a beer? That seems like the most reasonable thing anyone in this epoch, in this time of this world history, has ever heard. Next thing you know, we're going to make love and you're not going to give me a venereal disease.

All right. So you brought up handicaps. Let's go to handicap. And this one has no words. And yet it speaks volumes. First frame, there's a cop running. Now, this is in England. If you don't know handicap, he wears the little newsy cap.

He's not a big guy, but he's a scrapper. He's a bruiser. There's a police officer running towards him and his wife. He has just punched her in the face, and she is falling over backwards with her feet in the air. It gets worse. The cop goes up, punches Andy Cap, who is now falling over backwards with his feet in the air,

while the wife watches. Third frame, Andy Capp on the ground, holding his head, while his wife punches the cop in the face, who is falling over backwards with his feet in the air. I saw this on cops yeah but andy still got his shirt on and they're not down south i was wondering if andy was still wearing his shirt um what are you doing what are you doing punching my husband okay there's so much to think about yeah that is so yes of course she's going to be like, it's none of

your business. And it's great. Like I've seen it a million times in like literally on cops and crazy police video and where the police are so bummed out that the woman will not, you know what I mean? Like not stand up and press charges against the monster she shares a home with all that. But hold on. I also want this, whatever paper that is, right. Or it's syndicated. Hey guys.

So here we got a bunch of Andy caps. Should, should we go with the one with police violence this week? No, this was, I, this actually wasn't this week's. I,

I, I, I went back looking for some because I'm fucking, I'm going down rabbit holes with Andy cap. I can't believe how fucking twisted it is. So this was this was like a really early one. Still, it's crazier than on its own merit of spouse abuse. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Isn't that great? That's nuts. Yeah. Jesus. All right. Let's get to. Oh, there she is.

My girl. This is a very sad one because this is an eight. On Sundays, you know, they put out the eight framed comics. Wait, do we want to do Family Circus first? Oh, yeah. Let's do Family Circus first. We usually end on your preferred take. You're right.

All right, Mr. Producer, step in again. Oh, that's what it is. So there's the, it's a one frame, of course, the setup. They always cut off the second, which is the punchline. But it's a little girl looking up at her dad. And he looks like a little, you setup, they always cut off the second, which is the punchline, but it's a little girl looking up at her dad and he looks like a little, you know, casual and you could see kind of, he has a five o'clock shadow and she's pointing to his face and she goes, I know it's Saturday cause you're wearing those little stems all over your face. Okay. This it's so fucking infuriating so the little stems the little stems all over your face okay so what's going on here is it's kids say the darndest things here's the fucking problem

asshole stems is a more advanced word than fucking like you know his beard or his scruff or is that i can tell you haven't you haven't like kids don't know stems you moron right right the whole concept is she has to use a more accessible word than the one she can't find or doesn't know holy shit this is unbelievable yeah bill keen doesn't even understand he literally has forgotten the whole gist of the of the comic strip is the way children talk versus the way adults talk. She's talking like an adult. Yeah. And ka-ching, just as much money.

Do they have an arrangement where it's like, listen, Jeff or Bill or whoever the fuck it is, you get paid less this week because you just like if you're a wall builder and you build a piece of shit wall that falls over by the time it's paycheck time, you're going to get paid less than if you build me a good wall or any wall. Oh, my God. It's not only is it a flat rate. Once again, it's syndicated. This goes out not just in every local paper in the country where he gets a separate check from Minneapolis, separate one from Dallas. This goes international. Family Circus goes all over the world. That guy's mailbox, he's got two mailboxes.

They're fucking stuffed with checks. I bet you he's making money. He goes to the country club on Monday at around 11 a.m. because he does the comic strip Monday from 9 to 10, 15. And they bet him he won't write something. They give him comic strip and they go, I bet you $1,000 you won't fucking put this in. And he does.

Oh, look, Daddy. It's like the cilia growing in, like the cilia from inside your throat. And it's like it's growing on your face. Oh, my God. It's so crazy. growing on your face. Oh, my God. It's so crazy. Daddy, you don't have the usual effervescent smell that you have. That's how I know it's the weekend. I know it's Saturday, Daddy, because you look like the man who sleeps in his own sick by the drugstore.

Make an effort. I can tell it's the weekend, weekend daddy because mommy's limping and smiling i can tell you came home late last night daddy because you have lipstick on your collar and you're looking guilty i can tell it's the weekend daddy because that that uh mexican guy came by and gave you a bag and you're not making eye contact daddy daddy i'm over here you're so shame-filled right now with with your with your stubble because you didn't shave your fucking stems i could tell it's saturday because you were whispering on the phone something about an eight ball and a hose.

All right, let's get to Blondie. It's a long one. It's a long one. And sadly, it does not feature very much of Blondie in it. because we need to keep the context of Dagwood in the strip of Blondie when you realize that it's not just my lust for her, but it's my hatred for him. He comes home one day.

He's got his jacket over his shoulder. As he's opening the front door, he talks to camera. He says, she's not going to believe it. Ha ha. Guess who left work early? And so she screams from the inside. No, wait, don't come in yet. And you suddenly go, whoa, what the fuck is Blondie got going inside? And you're hopeful. You're like, good. I'm glad she's making him a cuck. He says, why? What's wrong, honey? She said, I spent the whole day working at home and I look terrible. Dagwit says, oh, for heaven's sake, don't be silly. She says, I'm serious.

Give me a few minutes to put my face on. He says, your face, sweetheart, your face is always beautiful. All right. That's nice. She says, OK, but don't say I didn't warn you. She opens the door. Her face comes out. You only see her face coming out. And it doesn't have the usual makeup on. The hair is not as coiffed as it normally is. But she's still goddamn blondie. She's still a diamond in the rough.

Okay. And he, this piece of shit, says, in capital bold letters, whoa. W-H-O-A puts his hand on his chest and says, whoa. She then says,

happy now, and slams the door. He's still outside, and he goes, okay, no problem, honey. Take your time. Are you fucking kidding me i would i would fucking i would eat her asshole after she worked out at the gym okay i would i literally would i would send her to the gym and say work out extra

hard and let me go to town on you when you get home. I'm having more audio problems. Sorry. Whoa. He said, whoa. She's not good enough for you without putting her face on. Dagwood. Oh my God. Yeah.

He's like, whoa, you're so right. You're a pig. Get back in there. Let's do this again. I'll come back in a half hour. I'm going to go hang with Andy Kapp. I see them both on their lawn right now. We're going to go wake up that cop.

I'm going to have that cop punch you square in the face. Yeah. Right. I'm going to have that cop put your face on for you. So you remember next time. I wish going to have that cop put your face on for you. So you remember next time. Oh, I wish I wish you were real. Even if there was a live action Blondie and there was an actor who played Dagwood, I would find him and I would punch him in the face just because of that strip. Nice. All right. Mike Gibbons, we've done it again. I'm glad you're healthy. I know all of

our listeners are going to be praying for you and your family that you stay healthy through this COVID scare. What do we think? What are the odds? So I read just briefly when I tested, I got the test back negative. But I then heard a doctor say that they are finding a lot. Did I say this at the beginning? A lot of tests that are negative, a lot of tests that come back negative before the person has felt symptoms are false negatives. Right. Do you think as I'm sitting here next week sweating it out in this closet that I'll have the COVID?

I do not. I think that your kids have been very careful. I know you went to some marches, but they're outside and they say the incidence of catching it outside is rare. So but the the idea is they were absolutely 100 percent exposed to someone that tested positive and got the result back. Right. Right. And they were with that person this week. They were with this person yesterday and the day before. And the day before that. So in a week you will get within the next week, you'll get tested again. You'll go back in in five days or something.

They I guess the play is wait till I feel a symptom to get tested, because why would I fall into this again? Right. And I guess then they put a maximum time frame on it of 14 days. There's no way. But, you know, the average, I think, is five days, which means half or below. Yeah. I'm going to say you've got it. You're going to get it. I just talked you into it.

Yeah. You're going to get it. Oh, man. Your kids, it'll blip past your kids. You know like how with a tsunami, if you're like 100 yards offshore, it just blips right underneath you? That's your kids. Your kids are out there floating.

They've got surfboards. And you're standing on the dry sand. And you're going to get fucking hammered. Oh, they made it over. That looks good for me. Why are all the dogs and goats running uphill? Clearly we're going to be fine. Right.

Is that a vulture? I didn't know there were vultures. Usually seagulls, but vultures? I just saw four porpoise fucking bolt out of here. Is that a crab? Crab going uphill away from the water the local coconut boy i've never seen someone scale a tree that fast why is the lifeguard swimming out to sea there's nobody out there that's exactly you call it a blip under them oh jesus all right well good luck seriously

i i hope you're fine. All right. Thank you. And I want to thank you guys for listening. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thanks to Midcoast Media for doing a great job producing and editing the show. Sorry it was late this week to them because of my COVID test. They're going to be scrambling, working well into the night to get this to you guys by Sunday morning. They can't fix our facts, our pronunciation,

nor our grammar. No. Or my baldness or your background of coats. Worn out fucking coats. Look how realistic this green screen, they almost look like real coats. People are going to be looting in there in a matter of minutes

if they watch this podcast. When you press this green screen, they wrinkle. Look how advanced this green screen, they wrinkle. Like, look at it. Look how advanced this green screen is. I can move sleeves around. How's that for? Actual condoms are falling out of the jackets. How's that for a listening experience? All right.

We'll catch you guys next time. Wrap a fish in it. Take it out to the curb. Get it tested. Nothing to do with it, but I just figured I'd throw that in there. Take it easy, man. See ya. Zonder plever Zonder plever