Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 140 11/20/22

Episode Date: November 20, 2022

A new bill in TX will let pregnant women use the HOV lane but another one won’t allow a woman to dance (if she was born a man). Donald is dissed by Rupert, Taylor is dissed by Mike and a FLA man has sex with a….    

Here goes mine anyway. Three, two, one. All right. Plugging the headphones in. Let's start screaming. Put that over there. Let's shrink the screen down and read all about it, y'all. Read all about it. Coming to y'all from Florida with some news. Are you in Tampa? I'm in Tampa Bay, baby. Tampon Bay. It's a crazy place. Crazy place. Let me tell you something. Love the club.

Love the staff. Crowds are a little slow. They have fun down there. They can't be too quick. Well, I also led. Tampa is a party city. I led my first show with my new anti-gun rant, which went over like a lead balloon. Anti-gun rant in Florida.

In Florida. In Tampa. And then I asked how many people had guns on them, and about a third of the crowd raised their hands. And I was telling them they were all scared i said you're all scaredy cats like i don't need a fucking gun what do you guys all need guns for and they didn't like it so so i had to make a human sacrifice which you do sometimes in comedy to get myself out of the deep hole that i had dug i asked there was a couple up front and I said are you guys married and they said no we're dating and I said how long you been dating for and the guy said don't go there and I

said how long he's like six years and then I said uh I said uh ladies and gentlemen he called earlier and he asked he had a special uh request for me. Oh no. And then I came off the stage and I put the mic in front of him and I said, he's got something he wants to say. And the guy was fucking shaking his head and the woman put her face in her hands and the crowd went fucking crazy. Shooting guns in the air like a Mexican wedding.

Throwing alligators, taking meth. throwing alligators taking meth and and then uh and then it's it very slowly turned from them thinking he was really doing that to them realizing i was busting this poor motherfucker's balls and they started laughing so hard i could not do material for about a minute they just kept laughing at this guy and the position that I'd put him in. And I felt terrible, but after the gun bit, I had no choice. I had an hour ahead of me to go, and they fucking hated my guts.

He should have taken one knee, reached in his pocket, taken out his gun, and aimed it right at you. Oh, my God. Florida. right at you oh my god florida they imagine what night they had yeah oh yeah they had a long drive she actually put her hand on his leg for the rest of the show like like like something there was a story behind why they're not getting married they they own a house together but they're not married and they don't have kids did you call it back like in good nights or at the end of the show at all like thanks for being such good sports and no it's gonna nothing no nope no well if he shows up alone tonight, I would arm yourself.

That's your, you asked why would you have a gun? Because you're scared? That's exactly right. Yeah. I wanted to write a screenplay about a comedian who keeps a gun, like a taxi driver kind of a script where it's a standup comedian who's become deranged and he has a gun and eventually he gets heckled and he shoots the guy. I like that. It doesn't even who's become deranged and he has a gun and eventually he gets heckled and he shoots the guy i like that it doesn't even have to be deranged like what if it's like the chris

rock chapelle syndrome where it's like the only way i could keep doing provocative stuff is if i defend myself right and you have a bazillion witnesses, it's being recorded, you'll never go to jail, you stand your ground. It could be futuristic, too, where I kill somebody, and it's justified because it stands your ground, and I go on tour, and people show up because they know that I may kill a heckler. And it just happens sometimes, but it's always justified. Metal detectors. So, you know, you're armed and it's one sided. Right. Have you ever shot a gun?

Oh yeah. A lot. Well, we owned a shotgun and stuff. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I went deer hunting once, but, uh, of course here's, here come all the fan mail calling me a pussy. But I knew I wasn't going to shoot it. You know, like I wasn't going to shoot a deer. But, yeah, no, I've been hunting. When you have to put on that much orange gear, it really makes you pause. And when you see the drinking. Yeah. Drinking really early in the morning, kind of like golfers, you know what I mean, or fishermen.

And then you're putting on all this orange gear like crazy because there is a fairly good chance you could mistake, if you didn't have it on, this human being for an animal that you're going to shoot. Yeah. Right. Most people need glasses and they don't wear them. What about Chaney shooting a man man while hunting in the face? And the guy apologized to Cheney. Oh, remember that? Yes. He apologized. Yeah. He got some kind of governmental tax rebate that year. yeah he got some kind of governmental tax rebate that year um so lord so we missed you on monday we had the comedy gives back golf tournament that i know yeah how was that it was amazing our

dear friends uh jody lieberman and amber j lawson and then zoe friedman who lost her father bud friedman who we're going to talk about in the obituaries, showed up two days after Bud died because she said that comedians are her family. And she kind of wanted the support and the love from the comedians. And I've known Bud for 25 years, and I really love the guy. He was really good to me, and he just represents. We'll talk about him later, but I gave her a hug, and I just started crying. He was really good to me. And he just represents so... And we'll talk about him later. But I gave her a hug and I just started crying.

It was kind of embarrassing because I was in the middle of everybody. But it was very touching that she was there. And the tournament was amazing. Great turnout. Patrick Warburton was there. He's a fucking riot. He's such a good dude. Who else did you know?

Andrew Santino canceled at the last minute. Jesus Trejo was there. The Sklar brothers. Bill Burr. Dennis Gubbins. Dennis Gubbins was there. That's going to be our good news for Gubbins. And then Bill Burr did a very cool thing where he auctioned off playing with him.

And I think he raised like $13,000 or something for somebody to play in his foursome. Ben Bailey was there. Sure, yeah, I know Ben. Caroline Ray, Jay Moore. Oh, that's great. How's Jay Moore doing? He's doing good. You know, he's gotten sober. He got diagnosed with bipolar and so he's medicated properly. And yeah, I actually sat with him and had dinner and, uh, he's, uh, he's, he's a super good, good dude. I gotta, I gotta get him on my podcast. I'm glad to hear he's doing better. Cause I know there was,

it was not touch and go, but I know he wasn't doing as well a little while. And I'm not a fan. He was like having manic episodes. Yeah. Um, I whatchamacallit. I got Rosie's bagels this morning. I went over and drove. They have a stand in the morning and I couldn't sleep because hip is doing great, but sleep isn't so hot yet. sleep because hip is doing great, but sleep isn't so hot yet. And so I tend to get maybe six hours. So I went over there. What do you mean this is a stand? Where's the stand? So on 16th and Ocean Park, they put up a tent. There's that like nursery for plants and stuff, right? Oh, right by the Moose Lodge. And then, so I had Gubbinsins and mikey over last night we watched we'll talk about it later but we watched the banshees of in a sharon oh i saw it yeah you did see it i saw it

in a theater because i wanted i wanted to see the full beauty of the film of course who doesn't want to move there of course but you better bring your meds uh we'll talk about it later anyway they came over last night so we had a big plan to go there i woke up early and i went um so uh yeah so who's doing the delivering if they're if they've got a stand set up i think they alternate each week a stand delivery a stand delivery no shit yeah Well. So it was great. How about our buddy, a guy who each of us was roommates with at different points in our lives, Pete Scott, is leaving Turner Sports after 32 years. Do you know anybody that's been at the

same job for more than 10 years? Well, I worked at HBO in New York in my 20s. We all went to BU together. And then he went right down. I mean, I think he and Dudley moved from Boston, Boston University School of Communications.

CNN came and recruited. They went to like tons of colleges and did that. And then they entered, you know, was probably the class of 1990 or whatever it was, or 89. 89. And, and I think they made $13,000 a year. And somehow in Atlanta, you can make that work. But this program was like one of the best. I mean, I don't know what, maybe Apple, Google, Goldman Sachs, whatever the companies that do. I mean, you went in and Pete can correct me next week if I'm wrong. You went into this, they called it the class of when you entered the CNN world and they're like, okay, first, and I'm going to get this wrong, but like first six weeks you're on audio. What, like, what does that mean? You're going to go in the field and in the studio and you're going to,

you're going to like shadow an audio person. Then it's like your teleprompter, your camera, your copy, and you get exposed to every aspect of the world's biggest news organization and you then find your home in there and you know they both wanted you know gravitated towards sports and that's where they wound up and um it was just so impressive well before that even when we when we were in college pete and dudley were already working for Nessun, New England Sports Network, covering the Celtics games. And I remember once in a while they'd call me in to pull cables on the floor, and I was sitting on the floor at half court with a boom mic in my hand my feet were at the fucking out of bounds line and all i had to do was point the microphone at the basketball and i'm sitting there watching you know uh i'm watching like michael jordan play larry bird up close it was insane pete so he in turner sports

he had me hold the speed gun during the world series and pointing it at the pitcher. No shit. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And then he did a thing. His first job, uh, working for Turner was they covered a thing called toward to Trump, which was a bike race from Boston to, it was like from Boston to Atlanta and he got on a fucking truck. He wasn't at our graduation because he was already working for Turner Sports well I remember this has nothing to do with Pete but so I was at HBO and then HBO was Time Warner and then I think the first thing

that happened was Time Warner bought Turner all of. And then seemingly a year or two later, whatever, AOL bought Time Warner, which owned Turner. It's just so, no, no, it's crazy. But when Time Warner bought Turner, they had a big press conference and Pete and I were in touch, right? And so Ted Turner is one of my favorite public figures, right? He just shoots from the hip. He doesn't give a shit. There's a million examples of it. I remember like, I think I've told this story, but like I was watching public access once and it was this gay public access show, like gay rights and all this. And the guy was really supercharged. And he's like, uh, so I went out to the, you know, they were honoring Ted Turner

at this event or whatever. And it was like, I think like a gay event. And he goes and I and he's like and he was set out to like undo the hypocrisy that they're all holier than now. And now they're receiving the awards. And so he yells. The guy's a nobody. Everyone's on this red carpet. CNN, everybody. And Turner sees this nobody and walks up to him.

And the guy goes, why do you think you're receiving this award tonight? And Turner just goes, probably because I gave a lot of money. And the guy's like, uh, that is correct. And like, he just is like that. And I remember like 60 minutes went out to his Montana ranch and on his ranch, um, you know, he's on his, and it was like a New York time. Maybe I was 60 minutes, I think. And he goes, and the guy reporter even goes like, normally, whenever you visit these really

rich people on this, they pretend, I mean, they, they probably study up and learn all the ranch hands names to make them seem one of the people like in their employ. And, uh, he goes, so I asked Ted, when we got up, he took his usual horse and I go, what's the name of your horse? He's like, how the hell should I know? So anyway, sorry, I've digressed. But I think these are funny stories. Time Warner buys Turner.

Big press conference. The morning of the press conference was the Heaven's Gate mass suicide in the house in San Diego. was the Heaven's Gate mass suicide in the house in San Diego. All the guys wearing hoodies and their Nikes because the spaceship was going to come down and take them, right? With the Kool-Aid, right? They drank the Kool-Aid. That's where the phrase comes from. Oh, right, right, right. Exactly. All OD'd and stuff. So anyway, this press conference is about Time Warner buying Turner.

But when Ted Turner got up there, one of the reporters goes, aside from the takeover, I just want to ask you, as the owner of the biggest news organization in the world, what do you think of that news out of San Diego this morning of that cult suicide? And Ted Turner goes, I don't know.

It sounds like not a bad way to get rid of a bunch of wackos. And Gerald Levin, who's the president of Time Warner, jumps up like it's in a movie, covers the mic and then goes, as you can see, we don't tell Ted what to say. It's fucking Pete. Pete and I were Pete, but Pete has a million stories about Ted Turner. That's great. Yeah. Didn't we have Pete on once? I think, I think I had him on my,

I think I had him on Fitz dog radio with Dudley one time. All right. Gubbins was here last night and he asked to be on the show today. And then I go, yeah, I think we need a little more time to prepare. And he goes year end. It could be year end.

I'll bring in a year end. Anyway, he's very excited. All right, maybe we'll do a year end with Gubbins. I think it's time. By the way, I go into bed last night. I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth. And I turn on the water. And a cockroach the size of my fist comes out of the drain and walks.

It's a water bug, Greg. Oh, my God. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't fucking sleep. It ran under the cabinet and I was like, I don't know whether I should go after him or, oh, you should just lay it on the floor and be like, listen, crawl in my mouth now, not while I'm sleeping, please. So how's physical therapy going for the hip? Oh, yeah, I wrote that down. So do you get this? Like, I've been in yoga, and I'm sure if I did one of those deep breathing before I, you know, those intense breathing where everyone's crying? Before I cried, I think I would probably have a giggle fit.

So I've been in yoga before, and whenever I'm in whatever pose where clearly I'm releasing a lot of tension, maybe I've, like, bent my leg all the way back and I'm stretching my thigh or something. I will start giggling like an idiot. And that's what happened in PT and the physical therapists here. Like, and I'm like, you haven't seen this. It's a woman, a really tall woman who's very good at what she does. She had a mask on though. So I couldn't really read if she was like laughing kind of with me or she was confused, but she's like, she's, but she was like, what's going on? I'm like, well, you've seen this, haven't you? Like I have all this tension in my leg and I'm stretching it for the first time. It's also

giant swollen. And anyway, I could not get out of this giggle fit in physical therapy. And a lot of my physical therapy is balance. Like get up on one foot and now touch the ground and alternating hands. And I'm giggling like an idiot and I couldn't do the balancing stuff. That's amazing. Yeah. So it worked. I was releasing tension.

So you're going to be ready for golf next week. I don't know, but the oxy, by the way, I've said it before and I'll say it again, oxy content, whatever, Vicodin, whatever, whichever one it is, it doesn't matter. Here's how it goes with me. I take it and 40 minutes later, take it and 40 minutes later i realized how depressed i was because i'm like oh my god do i feel great right now and that's one pill yeah it is so dangerous i'm the same way i feel so good on opiates yeah and and it's just like i can talk to anybody. I can go in any social situation and have no fear. I used to do stand up sets where I would go on stage. You know, usually I do an hour. I would do an hour and 20 easily just fucking around. Fearless stand up comedy. I swear to God, the next time I do a special, I think I should take an oxy.

Well, America does not need to be sold on oxy, but, uh, if you haven't tried it, because it's not only, you know, first of all, there's just the giant blanket that happens over your body that makes your body feel secure and warm and great. And then the little bonus of, oh my God, everything's possible and mental and you're you're clear as can be like relatively speaking like you're not drunk you're not stoned and stupid and uh and yeah everything did you ever try writing on it dude i can write like a motherfucker on oxy wow i got i had a problem with it i gotta start splitting the pills and saving them. I had shoulder surgery and they, and I had so many different doctors prescribe my, my, my general practitioner just prescribing it. The, uh, PT person, the surgeon, I like three

different prescriptions. Plus I was taking it from all my friends and, uh, yeah. And then I had a friend who, who could get some illegally and I was buying it from him. And then I had a friend who could get some illegally, and I was buying it from him. And for like six months, I was taking pills, multiple pills every day. And when I got off of that shit, dude, I went so dark, so heavy. I was suicidal. It's hard getting off that shit.

When was this? Probably about seven or eight years ago. Oh, shit. Yeah. So now I don't fuck with it. I don't take it at all. No, of course no one should, by the way. No.

You really should not. You should not take it. Even though we cannot get canceled, you really should not do it. Yeah. And I'm dabbling. Although it's a strong pill. It's a 10, I guess. But I take, I don't know.

I took one yesterday. Yeah. But boy, that one was fun. Yeah. But as we covered last week, don't get the idea. You're feeling all great. Don't get the idea to self soothe yourself. Cause it will take forever.

Oh yeah. And also taking a dump is a little bit of an adventure. Yeah. It's like passing coral out your asshole. I accused Gubbins last night of downing half a bottle of my stool softener because he was putting on a show on the couch. We had to open the window. All right.

Good news for Gubbins is going to be huge today. There's a lot of teasing of it. Shout out to Michael Solomon, who did this week's logo. It's a tribute to the late, great Gallagher from last week. You're the watermelon. I'm the watermelon. And I'm Gallagher, too. And you're Gallagher, too.

Michael Solomon, thank you. He's a friend of the show. He writes songs for us. He does logos. We appreciate it. The song this week from Andrew Guzman. Holy shit. From the Guzman.

Is it Guzman? It's got to be Guzman, right? That's what I'm going to go with. But, dude, that dude can play guitar. I don't know if it's him playing the guitar, but that is some sweet, sweet picking. I think you said it sounded like it was from uh laurel canyon in the 1970s laurel laurel canyon yeah real nice uh corrections oh do you got a paper i have uh this there we go

uh correction um i forgot to write down who wrote this in but I've heard Greg say this multiple times when referencing a Subaru there is no such thing as a Subaru Legacy Outback it is either a Legacy model or an Outback model not both keep up the good work oh it's from Michael Vann

well let me tell you something Michael I had a Subaru Legacy outback it used to be called a subaru legacy outback when it first came out because i bought one in 1999 it's first time i bought a car new in my life and we drove it across the country when we moved to la and uh it has since uh is that the green one what was was that one? No, it was black. Both of mine were black. Oh, no, you're right.

It was a dark, dark green. I think so. Yeah. And me and Zach bought them at the exact same time. And then he was so upset when he found out that mine had leather interior and all the options. And his was like the spare down one, which I think he still has. Thank God he didn't get the nice one. You know, my joke with Zach was like,

do you want me to pick you up? I assume you're getting your car tented. Tented in California means, I don't know if it's everywhere, but you tent your house for termites. Because that fucking little hick, he could never pass wood on the side of the road without picking it up. By the way even after he's a multi-millionaire yeah logs logs logs you just keep putting lies like a beaver

yeah so anyway gathering sticks so i looked it up uh originally began in 94 as the subaru legacy wagon since then both the legacy and outback have found separate but unique identities so it's so now there is now it's just called the subaru outback which we bought one a few years ago so now we have a new subaru outback and they're fucking great cars they are just the perfect car they're you know let's get a sponsor out of this shit i know uh tour dates coming up oklahoma city uh december 1st i'll be coming to the uh something cinema go to my website for the details and then hyenas in fort worth texas december 2nd and 3rd uh new dates i'm i'm announcing right now Atlanta punchline January 19th through 21 helium in Portland January

26th through the 28th and helium in Philly March 9th through the 11th go to FitzDawg.com for all your ticketing needs look at you yeah I gotta stay on the road man and then St. Louis that brings you to St. Patrick's day you should start looking at that

date oh yeah right march 17th i'll just say it right now uh the the the hollywood improv me and mike gibbons will be doing stand-up comedy count on it count on it listen uh holidays are coming up you're going to be cooking for a lot of other people. You may not have time to cook for yourself. Perfect time to start working with Factor, a ready-to-eat meal delivery. They shop, prep, cook, and deliver to your door so you can enjoy chef-crafted, dietician-approved meals during the holidays, minus the hassle. Plus, with 34 meals per week, including gourmet plus, keto, calorie smart,

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I visited him two weeks ago in Florida. He has factor. Nice. Yeah. It really is amazing, and it's cheaper than dining out. It's actually so affordable. And if you need something for a special occasion and you're not a great cook, you have some people over and get some Factor. So, look, the holidays are hectic. Factor is flexible. Change your order up every week with plans from 4 to 18 meals per week

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Let's get to the front page. Here we go now. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! A half hour into this thing. Let's do it. Baby on board.

Okay, there was this woman, Brandy Batone of Plano, Texas. She was the pregnant mom, and she told police that she should not get a ticket for driving solo in a high-occupancy lane. She explained that her fetus, under Texas' abortion law, should be considered a second passenger. Well, her ticket was dismissed. Now, the state representative Briscoe Kane is one of the Texas legislature's leading anti-abortionists. And he has introduced a

short bill stating that a pregnant driver is entitled to use any HOV lane in the state. More like an HO lane. I mean, oh, yeah, okay, how about this? I just got laid. Now I can drive in the HOV lane. I got a million people in my vaginal canal right now. Wait a minute. Why not? Sperm count in Texas?

She should be charged. All right, if that's the case, she should also be charged double when she goes to the movies. Uh, she should, or an airplane shouldn't be allowed to go to rated R movies. Cause the kid is under 17. Well,

shouldn't she be arrested if she has sex for involving a minor in her three way? Yes. Also when she gets a DUI, I'm pretty sure the kid's drunk also. Right? Right. Right. Yeah. Well, you know, what if I identify as a pregnant woman in the HOV lanes out here? I think that would be, and even in LA, I think I should identify as a Texas pregnant woman. Why not? LA, no one's going to question it. Nope. They don't have a right to. If they do, then they're part of the patriarchy. Los Angeles falls apart if anyone questions my identity.

Wow. Mm hmm. Sounds like some people need therapists. Well, good luck with that. The story is called No Time Next Week. It's kind of weak. You know, the same time next week is what therapists say. America's therapists are booked. Six in 10 psychologists say they don't have openings for new patients, according to a survey by the American Psychological Association. The high demand for therapy is the latest sign of an ongoing U.S. mental health crisis exacerbated by the coronavirus pandemic. A majority of the psychologists surveyed said that since the start of the pandemic,

they've seen an uptick in patients who are dealing with anxiety and depression. Anxiety issues, particularly among young people, are exploding. The young women I am seeing, this is a quote, the young women I am seeing, I am just blown away with the anxiety, the psychiatrist said. It's the physical manifestation of anxiety, which I hadn't seen to this extent before. Well, Oxy, if anyone's looking for a say, I'm kidding. I am kidding. I've been through this, finding a therapist,

and I'm going to give a shout out to betterhelp.com because they're a big sponsor on my podcast and you can get a therapist right away and they're good therapists and you do it over Zoom. But it's but I I'm starting to think that Zoom like these therapists, they love it because they don't have to pay for office space anymore. They don't have to leave their house. And, you know, and so they're just saying, well, I'm not seeing people in person. Even if you can find somebody, you're not going to see them in person. Did you see the show on Showtime, Couples Therapy? No, I know you love it. Yeah. Well, it was very interesting because the first season was pre-pandemic and she's amazing.

This therapist is truly really, really intuitive and knows her stuff. And then the second season, the pandemic hit and she started doing sessions over zoom. And I believe she talked to her therapist, which they also showed those, you know, psychiatrists have a psychiatrist. So, uh, but I remember season one, she would comment on body language. Like, you know, you know, one of the biggest things is crossing your legs and arms, you know, but you would also see like not holding hands or moving away. And I think good therapists feel a little handicapped on zoom. I think a little bit, but the finding a therapist, it's so fucking, I mean, you're talking about somebody who's right now kind of at their lowest functioning mentally. And they have to go through the minefields of like health insurance paperwork.

And then you got to try to find a doctor that's available. And it's like asking somebody who needs chemo that you got to do a mutter competition to get treatment. It's like asking somebody who needs chemo that they, or you got to do a mutter competition to get treatment. It's, it's impossible. Also be aware of the four out of 10 psychologists who are available and have time slots. Yeah. I think they might downplay getting at the root of your problems and meds also and instead make you manifest happiness somehow. It's like this. I already have throw pillows that say to be thankful, grateful, and blessed. And, uh, yeah, I got it. Everything's in retrograde. I got it. That's not helping. How did they get the crystal into your belly

button through a zoom call? That's what I don't understand. I had a chiropractor who used to do that. He used to put, he had, what do you call that holistic medicine? Homeopathy. He would have homeopathic remedies and then you would lay down on the table and he would take one of the homeopathic remedies are literally, they have like a keg of distilled water and then they put like some lilac leaves in it. And then they let it sit for three weeks and they take a medicine dropper and they take the water out. And that's what the home, like that's how diluted it is. And he takes a capsule of that and he would put it in my belly button and then he would have me try to raise my arm. And he would, he would hold pressure against my arm to see whether or not that was the right one to use on me i was like for he was he was great at cracking your bones but then he did all this weird shit on top of it so anyway he put all his money in cryptocurrency and i think he lost everything oh yeah that guy yeah i think that's your of course screen memory of what happened when you were unconscious, when he put you unconscious in the session and all of a sudden you came in your belly button.

I thought it was my arm he was pushing down on. And it would be so stiff and it wouldn't bend until the end. Yeah, I don't know. Wait, what was I going to say? Oh, I remember there was one new agey thing having nothing. I'm not going to name who it was, but it was a guy, you know, who's a writer friend of mine from late night and other places. And anyway, he was dating a woman a long time ago and she was totally into this stuff and they weren't totally connecting in bed. into this stuff and they weren't totally connecting in bed. They weren't like having the best sex, like chemistry was awful. And she goes, Oh my God, I'm so stupid.

I totally know what's the matter. And what was the matter was that there wasn't a crystal pyramid under their bed. And so she got a crystal pyramid and she showed him and she put him in bed and he goes, this guaranteed will only make it worse because I am aware of what you just did. Yeah. Here's the Irish version of that. And I am not making this up. My mother gets severe leg cramps when she's in bed. It's just some kind of potassium deficiency or whatever it is. She puts a bar of soap in the sheets and swears that it works. And like, she'll stay at my house and then we'll be like, we'll be like, you know, taking the sheets off the bed and there'll be a fucking bar of soap in the sheets. And she says it works on getting rid of her leg cramps.

Maybe she's just sick of kicking a bar of soap around all night and she stops. Or she's thinking about, am I mentally ill? Maybe it shifts her focus. Right. Or maybe it's a hint that we're not cleaning the sheets with enough detergent. All right.

Here you go, pal. Well, I want to talk about the announcement. You know, ex-president Donald Trump has announced that he's running again. Now, the New York Post and Rupert Murdoch, who owns Fox News, was probably single-handedly the biggest reason Trump got elected. Things have changed. Oh, yeah. The day that Trump announced, the New York Post had a front page that had a headline about children of war, about the Ukraine. And then at the very bottom, there's just one banner and it says Florida man makes announcement.

It's page see page 26. That's where they covered his announcement. And here's what that's the most insulting part. Right. On page 26. The headline has been there. Don That. With just 720 days to go before the next election, a Florida retiree made the surprise announcement Tuesday night that he was running for president.

In a move no political pundit saw coming, avid golfer Donald J. Trump kicked things off at Mar-a-Lago, his resort and classified documents library. Trump, famous for gold-plated lobbies and for firing people on reality television, will be 78 in 2024. If elected, Trump would tie Joe Biden as the oldest president to take office. His cholesterol levels are unknown, but his favorite food is a charred steak and ketchup. He has stated that his qualifications for office include being a, quote, stable genius. Trump also served as 45th president. Wow. And the next day, the headline of the post, I think, was Trumpty Dumpty. And it had him as Humpty Dumpty and his great fall.

Humpty Dumpty. And it had him as Humpty Dumpty and his great fall. But that's the thing with Murdoch. And I remember people who knew more about him, maybe Brit British friends of mine or whatever, because he owns the mirror and all those are like he is so amoral and immoral. But it doesn't matter. He'll pick. It's a winner. He'll generally get on the side of whatever sells. So if hating Democrats sells, he doesn't care who's on the right. He'll just do that. And then if the right is sick of Trump, he will abandon, you know, someone he's championed for four years. Well, you know, he learned that from, uh, Hearst, William Randolph Hearst was the exact same way. Um, he would push candidates that would deregulate and give him tax breaks and all that stuff. But otherwise he would just, he was just a populist. He would just jump on the bandwagon. But, um, do you think Trump is electable without Murdoch behind him?

I don't think Trump is electable anymore. Interesting. Because I think what I was going to say is probably wrong. But I was going to say he's too he almost has too much of a chip on his shoulder. Like the first time he ran

it was kind of like I've got nothing to lose. You know what I mean? There was almost a bit of lightness, a little bit of lightness to it. And then the second one, he was way more chip on his shoulder and angry. I could, I think he could feel the temperature rising. And now he just has a million points to prove everyone's blaming him like more than usual, which is hard to believe. And also, you know, his reputation as a kingmaker, none of the candidates that he backed won.

That was a that was bad for him. And in the past, he didn't care about the truth at all. So, like, for instance, that criticism, he'd be like, no, I'm a kingmaker. Like, look, look, look, look, look. And I'll talk about the ones that he did win. But the difference is all his followers would go along with him. And that's not happening anymore. Yeah, it's interesting. It seems like DeSantis is like the version of Trump that people want now. But did you hear Trump has promised to release dirt on DeSantis?

Oh, of course. Of course. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I love it. No, that's going to be a fucking knife fight in the alley. The two of them leading up to the election, that's going to get ugly. I can't wait till DeSantis is disrobed, you know, mentally and everything. Like, you know, you just see what a fucking joke he is. Hopefully, but who knows?

There's no shortage of jokes in the White House. So I don't even know anymore. I honestly don't. Hey, what's going on in San Francisco? Let me tell you about San Francisco. There's driverless taxis. Do you know about this? No, I've not heard this. And I'm curious about this story. Because it was kind of a test run. They did it between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. Anyway, there's a driverless taxi service called Cruise, and now it's going to expand to daytime hours. There are now 70 active cruise vehicles in San Francisco.

Cruise self-driving cars have been in, but this is an interesting thing they said, cruise self-driving cars have been in nine hit-and-run accidents this year. So you think, oh, they're effed, you know, like no way this model isn't working, but there's a couple of patterns. Almost all nine of the self-driving accidents have led to the collisions, human driver fleeing the area. It was not, it was not the self-driving taxi's fault. Wait. So are you saying that the self-driving taxi has no driver in it at all? No driver in it.

I didn't know that existed. I did not know that there were cars that drove without drivers. Autonomous cars are generally painted as evil robots, one involved in a crash, but the data reflects the contrary. So here, Cruz's 2022 collision records show humans blowing stop signs, turning within incorrect lines, and reverse driving into the driverless counterparts. So the people fleeing were the cars that actually caused and were in the accident with the driverless car. The driverless car is sitting there like, what the fuck? car. The driverless car is sitting there like, what the fuck? Right. It's, it's exasperated as if you like, just like you and I would be if someone backed into us. Wow. Yeah. And what happens is they've, they've caught a lot of these people because the driverless taxi records everything. Yeah. And it gets it's, it gets its license plate. So it's like, if you don't think that driverless police cars are on the way, you have your head in the sand.

There's going to be a robocop sitting in the passenger seat also of all these driverless police cars. It's crazy. Right. A car chase? No problem problem how will they know which races to beat up do you think there'll be technology where they can differentiate oh yeah facial recognition's already in play are you kidding me but what i love is there's no more taxi drivers the movie taxi driver is going to seem odd to future generations and i was thinking maybe we should program the computers to be like someday a rain will come someday a rain will come and watch all this come off the streets do you know my daughter had not seen that movie and we watched we sat and watched it together the other day i don't know if i could do that with my daughter um it's intense it's intense but uh sybil shepherd

so goddamn beautiful in that movie and um i thought you were gonna say jodie foster that's not the right thing to say no she was probably what like 15 when she filmed that 16 the other day yeah go ahead sorry but like uh harvey keitel is in the movie sybil shepherd jody foster uh peter um the guy from young frankenstein and everybody of course right uh peter boyle yep is in it uh i mean just and then martin scorsese does a crazy big cameo in it where he plays the passenger in the back of the cab totally racist jealous guy yeah yeah yep no that was unbelievable that was intense such a good movie you know the other day i was i was flipping through and dr shivago was on i'm like oh my and even from across the room i had it on for a second and Olivia goes what's that because the Dr. Zhivago theme yeah is so like immediately it's it's just this genius music

and the scene I put on this old guys with stunning Julie I forget her name and she's she's so gorgeous it's ridiculous and and then the boyfriend comes and the boyfriend is in the Russian revolution. And he goes to the older guy, like, just so you know, and I'm paraphrasing some of this, but he's like, just so you know, my number one priority, no matter what is the cause over her, over anybody. So then he leaves because they, the older guy and he don't get along. And then they're back at some house and the older guy and the woman are together. And he goes, you cannot be with that man. That man is dangerous.

And he's like, there's two types of men in this world. Like ones like him, pure, uncompromising, idealistic. And then there are others that corrupt in this and you are not good for it. Like, you know, whatever it was, he was calling her and himself not as pure as that guy. And he goes, you're corruptible, blah, blah, blah. And anyway, he goes, watch, I'll prove it. And he rapes her. Jesus.

Ready? I'm like watching. It's like, wait a minute. This is the one scene I happen to click on. It's like a three hour movie. And he goes, watch, I'll prove it. He forces himself on her. And the typical thing in movies, which doesn't exist much anymore, where you see her hands fighting him, trying, grabbing him and trying to put off. And then

the hands turn into, Oh my God, I need this. No. And grab his back. And then they make love. and grab his back and then they make love and then he gets up, get this, and he's putting on his belt and he goes, see? And he goes, oh, and don't be under the delusion that that was rape.

That would flatter both of us. Whoa. And he walks out. Yeah. Who is the actor some old guy and you know of course they had him looking very russian with the beard and everything oh i'll look it up now that's amazing but it's it's no no and you know that's that's considered one of the best movies of all time yep um i think french lieutenant it's julie christie'm so sorry. I forgot her name. Yeah.

And of course, Omar Sharif. But it wasn't Omar Sharif in the movie. It was, I don't know which guy it was. I mean, didn't French Lieutenant have a rape scene like that also? You know, I've never seen it. I've never seen Sophie's Choice. Oh, God. Sophie's Choice is like top three in my all-time movie list. Don't give me a Sophie's Choice. Oh, God. I have huge... Sophie's Choice is like top three in my all-time movie list.

Don't give me a Sophie's Choice now. I'd fucking have Olivia killed in two seconds over my other daughter, Sophie. So you listeners at home, we... Whatever. I was going to like spare you. This podcast started so late

because my headphones were missing and I leave them right here in my closet because they're the old stupid headphones with the jack, the normal jack that the rest of the world uses. And that's what the Apple laptop means. Anyway, whatever. My daughter takes it because I think, I don't know, maybe at the gym she plugs in and it takes the old jack. Anyway, long story short, fucking Olivia took my headphones and I found them under her bed. Unbelievable. Yeah. Kids, these goddamn kids. Well, that's right. She watches her laptop. That's why she had it. Texas has introduced an anti-drag bill that would criminalize.

I hope that means they're going to stop dragging black people behind pickup trucks. That would be a start. But no, it's criminalizing venues for hosting trans performers or drag shows, essentially banning trans people from performing in any capacity. Under the bill, such drag shows are defined

as a performance in which a performer exhibits a gender identity that is different than the performer's gender assigned at birth using clothing makeup or other physical markers and sings lip syncs dances or otherwise performs before an audience for entertainment it also states holding drag performances renders a venue a sexually oriented business. Under current Texas law, businesses that hold trans performers and also admit minors in any capacity, even they don't attend a show that features whatever, can be charged with a misdemeanor.

Look, Texas and the rest of the Christian world. If your son sees somebody dressed in drag and then your son goes out and he sucks a dick, guess what? Your son's fucking gay. The dick was getting sucked either way. The drag didn't cause it. It might've, it might've hastened it. He might've sucked the dick a little sooner, but that dick was getting sucked. Just wait till Texas sees Hamilton where black guys play our founding fathers they're all going to be locked up yeah right i mean whoa whoa whoa this is like i mean people have been performing in drags like literally the first theater like

the ancient greeks were in drag shakespeare was done in drag kabuki is done in drag none of that stuff is allowed in in uh in texas now no the first theater dating way back as you're saying women weren't allowed on the stage right men played women i just like kids in the hall i have a date coming up in uh Fort Worth, Texas, and I'm thinking very seriously about doing it in drag to challenge. Right. Well, it's only a bill, so I wouldn't be challenging the law, but maybe maybe just because I want to. Yeah, I think I'd be pretty little. I think, of course, we know that. I think some, you you know some of our logos have had you as a girl and you look great yeah um this is a long way to go texas to keep

betty izzard from performing stand-up in texas but i'm cut i kind of side with texas yeah now i'm behind it uh but this is the thing you You know what? Okay. Yeah. Tyler Perry cannot film movies in Texas from now on. Maybe they can't even play there. Right. But this is why Texas is so defensive and has issues in this. Honestly, and I know I've said it a million times before, but Cowboys, it's the gayest getup ever. Flamboyant high-heeled boots, flamboyant giant hat.

They wear bandanas around their neck. I mean, it's all about their jeans. I haven't even gotten to chaps. Assless chaps. I mean, all the leather. Half of Texas is already dressing like women right or or as flamboyant performers i guess you could say and then there's those thick butchy village people mustaches that they wear and then the gun is the ultimate phallic symbol. Oh, bragging about eating bull testicles. Yeah.

Branding. Maybe I'll do that bit in Tampa tonight. Let me see how that goes over. Well, Florida probably hates Texas because they're in a competition of who's the craziest state. All right. So give me a crinkle. We're going to actually move out of the front page section.

There you go. Good news for Gubbins. All right. So Gubbins, it turns out, after swearing, he would not perform at the Comedy Gives Back or would not play in the Comedy Gives Back golf tournament because he wasn't invited in advance, and he was invited at the comedy gives back or would not play in a comedy gives back golf tournament because he wasn't invited in advance and and he was invited at the last minute guess who showed up showed up schmoozed it up um i think so i saw him and he bad-mouthed you what'd he say he goes you hooked up with these ringers did you win yeah i won the tournament

that did not sit well with cobbins we shot a 60 gross i played with these guys and one guy the guy he played with he goes uh i go so what do you do for work and he said said, I'm an entertainment business manager. I said, do you represent comedians? He goes, sort of. I go, well, who do you represent? And he said, Bill Cosby. And I go, you still represent Bill Cosby?

And he looks at me and he goes, what? He goes, so anybody who gave anybody a Quaalude in the 80s is a rapist? And I'm like, no, I guess it depends on what happened after they gave him the quaalude. Well, wait a minute. Any rapist in the 80s is a rapist? Is that your question? I don't know. But I played with his group, and they were all... Jesus Christ.

They were players from all different, like, levels. I mean, these guys were good. They were really good. Didn't you have, like, I mean, these guys were good. They were really good. Didn't you have, like, an incredibly good woman? Yeah, that was the key is the woman, women's tees in golf are way ahead of the men's tees, but she hit the ball far. So it's called a scramble,

and this is going to be boring for people that don't know golf. Well, this was not lost on Gubbins. He had a lot of hate for that woman. Really? Everybody hits a drive, and then you pick the furthest drive, and then everybody drops their ball at that ball, and you play from there. And so it was a bit of an advantage having a woman. It was very strategic having her in.

It was brilliant. It was a brilliant move by this guy who was a good guy he was a really nice guy and which guy the rapist offender well you know i'm sure he has his reasons yeah it's who's paying them all right here there's no better way to sum up gubbins is awesome obviously but there's no better way to sum up this one side of Gubbins than this. So last night they were asking me about Thanksgiving and I'm going to go to Vegas on Friday, I think, but I got a deal. And anyway, through this credit card, I'm not going to bore people about it, but anyway, and I don't talk about that stuff a lot, but the benefits, and

I've told you about it of this one credit card. So I start telling Govins and Mikey and I'm like, even Tom O'Neill signed up for it because there are so many perks. You make money just by signing up for this credit card. So both of them go, all right. Yeah. I'm like, and I go, if I were like refer you guys, you're going to get a shitload of points. Um, if you get it and I, and I'm like, and I'll get points, but you guys get way more being the new card guys and i'm like i'll say they're like send me the links so i send the links to the two of them to sign up for the credit card gubbins then quickly emails back and say hey how about

i sign up and then i refer mikey so i get i get points oh my god that's exactly exactly what you're dealing with when you're dealing with a jabeen yeah gubbins jesus yeah what we should get them as a sponsor that sounds like a good deal i want to sign up we could look into it because i could sell the i don't want to name what it but i could sell the fuck out of this thing all right uh traveling is a plus you have to is it helps if you travel all right let's do some entertainment all righty I am three episodes into Atlanta, the newest season, and it is just the show evolves. The actors get more layered. They get more interesting. It is just it's a it's a elegant.

It's art. Beautiful, artistic show. OK. I think I'm probably two or three in, but I have no memory. So what season is it? Three? Might be four. Three or four.

When was their European trip? Was that the end of- That was last season. And then did this one start with them in Europe? Or are they home? I think they're home now. Yeah, they're home. Okay. Anyway, I'm going to go watch Atlanta.

It's a very busy week with Thanksgiving, but I, I, I know the finale is air, so I'm going to binge it through the finale. I don't even like binging it. There's some shows I feel, I feel like I kind of want to savor. Oh, this is the fourth and final season, Denman just wrote. Oh, okay. I like to savor it. I don't like to watch more than one or two at a time.

No, no, I guess that's what I mean. They're like each one. Sometimes they deviate from whatever the arc is for the season. They just do like, what do they call it? A bottleneck? When you do an episode that's a bottle episode, maybe? Yeah, geez, I forgot the name of it but sometimes people would do that on sitcoms and it was a very cheap solution also like it wouldn't

leave the building you know what i mean like it would have like one location right i should know this but yeah like the chinese restaurant episode on seinfeld, that's a good job. And so also you're right. It's not like you're like, oh my God, what a cliffhanger. Sometimes it's at Michael Jackson's dad's house trying to buy a piano or whatever, you know? Right. Um, should we talk about, I think I might've, I already brought up, uh, the, uh, Banshees of Indischan, which I saw in the theater with my daughter and wife and was blown away by. It's the filmmaker. What's the filmmaker's name again? Yeah, no, he's amazing.

He did In Bruges. Can you look that up? Yeah, he did In Bruges. Martin McDonough. Martin McDonough. Oh, my God. And the score is done by the guy that does all of the Coen Brothers movies. Carter Burwell. Yes. Yes. And it's it's a gorgeous score.

And I read an article about it in The New Yorker. They did an interview with him. And they said that the Martin said to him, I don't want any hokey Irish music. I don't want it to sound like a session in a pub. And so it's interesting the choices he made. Are you talking about when one of the characters played in the pub? That and also the background music of like when he's walking to the pub. There's a lot of walking. I mean, it's essentially this guy is a playwright.

And so the film essentially takes place in like three locations, not including the exteriors. There's just like the pub and there's two houses and they're all one room. And you could do this as a play if you wanted to. Yeah, I don't know if I'm a huge fan of the movie. I was watching it so intently, the three of us watched it last night and Colin Farrell blew me away. Yeah. And I, I'm looking at now, so I have the screener in my hands, right? So the screener is sent to people who are in the

guilds, like writers guild and directors guild and all that. So you can see who they are putting up for what award. I was hoping to see Colin Farrell as best supporting actor, but they're putting them up for best actor. That's going to be tough, but I want that guy to win. And the other guy's best supporting. Brendan Gleeson.ason yeah how about the son how about this son of the cop yeah jesus was that guy good no dude how about the sister who's the woman from better call saul did you know that she's the woman for Better Call Saul, the daughter of Mike?

Oh, shit. No. Yes. Yes. Well, listen, man, this this had really funny parts where I laughed out loud, but it lost me a little with some of what I'm not going to say anything. But with some of what was like like in the at one point in the middle, I thought, oh, it just found itself. Like now I've latched onto the drive and then they kind of left that drive, I thought. But anyway, it's beautiful. It's, um. It's unpredictable. Very typically Irish. You cannot guess what's going to happen next at any point.

It's really interesting. Um, and it, and then, uh. And in Bruges, in Bruges is worth revisiting. It's great. All right. What else do you want to talk about? So I started watching the show Patriot, which a lot of people have talked about. Oh, I saw Patriot.

Dude, I, I am so late to this show. It's a great show. It's on Amazon. And the music alone, they dissolved at one point from The Clash to Wilco in a dissolve. Yeah, yeah, right. But also, he plays, and so does his dad. I think they're authentically playing just in the moment. So does his dad. I think they're authentically playing just in the moment. But the main guy plays and sings song that gives exposition.

Yeah. Like they use that as a tool. And anyway, I'm only in season one. I'm probably six episodes in. I think there's only two seasons total. And I think there's two seasons. And it is a, it's the show that whenever people are like, God, I need something to watch. I'm like binge this mother, that one's binge worthy because those, those episodes are cliffhangers. Totally. And then on the other hand, I start, I really, really liked white Lotus at season one. I started white. I started white Lotus season two. Hate it. Yeah. I hated one. Really? I started White Lotus season two, hate it. Yeah.

I hated one. Did you? I just felt like it felt like too many actors that didn't seem to be getting directed. They were all

going for it. They were going, I'm going to play a character here. And everyone's just kind of chewing it up. It didn't feel like it had any balance to it. That's pretty valid criticism, I will say.

There was something wild I could tell. And then I told you I read that article. Maybe I had seen two episodes. And I kind of wasn't understanding that, especially the first episode of season one, the tone was not established at all. So I didn't know, I'm like, is this like a horror movie? You began with a dead body.

That's the first scene. And I'm like, so I'm like, is this like, you know, a black comedy? Is this absurd? Is this not even any of that? Like, I didn't know what I was watching. And is it true crimey? Like, what is it?

And but then I read that under the conditions, you know, HBO, HBO called Mike White and goes, you work fast. And we know that. Do you have anything? Because our pipeline got interrupted. And coming up in like four months, we got nothing. That was one of the first pandemic shows, one of the first shows produced during the pandemic. And so Mike White was saying in this interview, he described that phone call and then he goes,

so what you were seeing on air is a first draft. So I kind of, that helped me, that helped contextualize it for me a little bit. New one sucks. Maybe it's a third draft. I almost didn't want to read this next story, but because it's so fucking dark, but here it is. Kellen Bischoff of the heavy metal band Hellfire has been found dead. And of course I had to look up Hellfire on Spotify. They've got like 1200 listens on their biggest hit and just the the most contrived where did you find this story the most generic i can't remember but the most generic uh metal it's just every hack need anyway he was the drummer for hellfire and he was 19 years old at the time of his death

per this reporting he was found among trash that had been dumped out at a trash recycling facility in Birdsboro, Pennsylvania. His autopsy reports showed that, quote, victims' injuries were consistent with having been dumped into and later compressed by the trash truck. Investigators found out that prior to his death, Kellen was in the area visiting a relative and had attended a party. Footage was then found that displayed the teen climbing into a dumpster. He had not left the dumpster by the time a dumpster truck arrived. Said truck then proceeded to lift the dumpster with the contents being poured into the truck and then compressed those contents, included the metal drummer.

Compressed, those contents included the metal drummer. So a drummer who played recycled metal was killed in a metal recycling accident. Of course, the saddest part of this story is he was in the wrong bin if he was metal. No. Yeah. And it is a pretty metal way to go out if you ask me yeah totally he should get he should get buried in a garbage can like they should at the wake the open casket should be an open garbage can that he's just stuffed into oh jesus all right next dumb story. Going from fucking probably a very earnest, committed musician to this fucking piece of shit story.

Oh. Ticketmaster has canceled the public ticket on sale for Taylor Swift's The Errors Tour that was set to take place on Friday. The company cited both extraordinary high demands on ticketing systems and insufficient remaining ticket inventory as the reasons it was pulling the plug in the general sale. Quote, the verified fan pre-sale that took place on November 15th descended into chaos after Ticketmaster's website crashed because of fan demand. So, meanwhile tampa bay florida at side splitters this weekend oh you can stroll right up to that late show oh the for the ticket window play and here's the great part inside the

room plenty of room to stretch out you want to put your feet up on the seat in front of you there's no one sitting in that come on in all right I'm scrolling to find this thing that I'm about to allude to. I've actually had good crowds, but Friday Night Late Show was a little light. It was a little light. Well, when you put these poor people on the spot and are forcing them to propose, what the fuck do you think? I know.

The Taylor Swift thing, I've already talked about. I don't get it. I just don't. Is there any other speed pitch that she has except I'm the victim? Yeah. I'm either, I'm either the complaining, whiny victim, or I'm the vindictive victim, which is a rah, rah vengeance thing. I'm literally asking someone show me like, so I've had this conversation with my daughters and I'm like, I couldn't even make it through the red scarf song. I'm like, Hey, you want to know what he,

he has no idea where his red scarf is. He has no idea it's there. I bet you that he's just so glad to be out of that house. And then someone's like, dad, you don't get it. It's symbolism. I'm like, Oh no, no, I do get get that you want to know why she called it symbolism in the song when you call it symbolism and literally use the word symbol it's no longer a symbol yeah it's literal like every one of her songs which is literal so anyway i everything is about herself her real self self, by the way, not a universal self. Pick any artist, pick your favorite artist, as long as it's not Taylor Swift and think

like about a love song. You are putting yourself in those shoes, whether you're French, Russian, Polynesian, it's universal. What's personal is universal. I think every one of these everyone is thinking of Taylor Swift and guessing which boyfriend it is yeah yeah anyway I'm gonna play this IG post it's called how Taylor Swift writes her music and hopefully it comes through clear and we'll put it maybe we'll be able to put it on video on our YouTube channel, but this one nails it.

And she goes, um, one of the things she goes is this is what you need places, smells, and random details. And then there's bonus points for colors, metaphors, and seasons. So here you go. I'll play it. How to write a Taylor Swift song, places, smells, random facts that are sort of irrelevant but somehow tie in. Let's do it! you go in my great great grandma's coat so untraditional i wake up and i wonder where you are today my maybe someday I mean, that is perfect. That's great. And every one of these fucking idiots is walking around like,

cashmere can't fix broken bones. Like it's a fucking real metaphor. Yeah, right, right, right. I know. And you know what it is? It's like taking... Go ahead. It's like taking refrigerator magnets and just scrambling them up and then calling it a metaphor.

And now I guess I'm going to get serious about it, and I'm probably wrong. But including my daughters and including my nieces, all four of them are fucking Taylor Swift army. And meanwhile, like Olivia, I think has really good taste in music. I mean, like early on, we're bonding on Billie Eilish. Uh, we agree on, you know, who we think are real like artists and yet she's not immune to this. And, um, anyway, I, without going, whatever, but I think it is tapping into an incredibly wounded narcissistic generation. The me, me, me, me, me. I think they totally relate to this. And she's inspired all these young female singer-songwriters to, like you said, it's all about the guy did them wrong. There's never any self-inflection. There's never any culpability. It's just, you know, there are these pure, virtuous girls that some guy took advantage of and they're angry about it.

And, you know, someone can maybe say, Hey, what do you think most of the greatest songs in the world? Well, I went and looked at most of the greatest songs and they're not all, especially about yourself in breakups and stuff, nevermind rock and roll, of course, but even like just me, even I heard it through the grapevine, which actually could be, you know, like it's about cheating, but something even like over the rainbow, it's just so universal. Yeah. It's about someone who just wishes there was a better place and stuff. I mean, yes. Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Pill, best breakup album of all time. And she is tapping into this raw energy that everybody feels and understands.

I mean, anything from Billie Holiday, God bless the child, like a rolling stone. I mean, good vibrations, stairway to heaven, you know. Idiot Wind. So many. Well, that's, I mean, Idiot Wind is actually what Taylor, if Taylor Swift wants to stay in this, she should study Idiot Wind and really learn what a metaphor and a simile is.

Yeah. And learn how to use them. And, but like, you know, so many of the Beatles songs are not just about fucking, I've been wronged, you know, like, and just, just whatever. I can't see your face anymore. I can't even touch the books you've read. That's a fucking great line from Idiot Wind. Oh, when I crawl by your door? No, and I remember telling my daughters about that.

By the way, Jay-Z once just interrupted, and he even, he references, Jay-Z, I don't know what song, he references Idiot Wind. But I remember telling my daughters, I go, this is like when you have to try a little harder on writing. And I go like, um, he goes, it was a pain in it that stops and starts in his, like a corkscrew in his heart. And I go, it could have been a knife in his heart. And I go,

but a corkscrew is the, you twist it, it stops. You have to like grab it again and twist it. And I go, it works so well. Like it had to be corkscrew. Yeah. And that's just an example. And it sounds stupid. I know. But like, I'm like, you just, I remember like Dylan was giving advice or some writer ran into Dylan and Dylan couldn't emphasize enough. He's like, even like when you think you have the lyrics take another pass yeah like now i my son used to send my son always get better essays for school and i would read them on a google draft and it was just like i could tell he didn't do a second pass he just did one pass and be like no you're just beginning this is this is the clay that you have to mold like four more times before you hand it in. No, there's no, you know, my daughters, you know, the old cliche, there's no such thing as writing, only rewriting.

And just write a piece of shit first to get yourself started. But what I would do is I would read this awful shit that my daughters would write, like an essay. And I would just simply be like, you know, this is a really good start. I go, I want you to read it out loud to me. And she'd interrupt herself 20 times cause it was shit. And she would catch it when she read it out loud. Right, right, right. Anyway, write in, send me the best Taylor Swift example. Like we're talking about Dylan or Joni Mitchell or whoever, insert whoever you want and even insert other great breakup songs or whatever yeah Bowie whoever but like someone educate me what am I missing

about Taylor Swift how about nothing compares to you how about fucking break that one down oh my god context means a lot you know that song didn't do great. I think Prince recorded it, I believe. But in the context of Sinead O'Connor was was fantastic. All right. Let's go to Florida. I'm here. Let's read about it. OK, I got two stories. I love this one. Okay, I got two stories. I love this one. Maybe it's because of Taylor Swift. Florida man stole a boat to return to Cuba because he was sick of living in the U.S.

Deputy, said the U.S. Coast Guard, told the victim that his emergency... So this guy, I think I didn't put it in here. I just kept it short. On Marathon Key, I believe, stole a boat from a guy he kind of worked for. And then the hours after it was stolen, the deputies told the owner of the boat that the emergency beacon was activated about 50 miles south of Key West, which I think is more than halfway to Cuba if he was on course. The U.S. Coast Guard aircraft spotted the boat and one person on board waving his arms for help because the boat had become inoperable. A tanker picked up the person who was identified as Torres Perez.

Maybe it's his name. The U.S. Coast took torres back to key west well torres stick around because the u.s is just gonna be like cuba in a couple years i know maybe uh but i love i remember there was the year i worked on the Oscars. It was when Ellen with the big selfie and all that. But that year, Mexico killed it in nominations, like the two directors and all these movies. And my dumb joke at the time was that actresses and actors are digging a tunnel trying to get to Mexico from California. It was the first time that happened. from California. It was the first time that happened. But here it is, people wanting to

illegally get out of the U.S. and return to their country. Yeah. Yeah. But maybe Torres was trying to avoid this story in Florida. Florida man arrested after allegedly trying to have sex with his dog.

Now there it is. That's the kind of Florida man we need. Edward Dare, 35 years old, was charged with sexual contact with an animal. Dare's roommate said that Dare had recently gotten a husky and shepherd mix named Toby off of Craigslist. The roommate said he walked in on Dare laying on the bed with Toby,

at which time he saw Dare trying to engage in a sex act with Toby. A neighbor housed Toby until animal control could respond. While housing the dog, the neighbor said that Dare came over and said, please return Toby. I promise it will not happen again. turn, Toby, I promise it will not happen again. When the deputies talked with Dare, he said when his roommate walked in on him, he immediately felt remorse and knew he had made a bad decision. Bad decision. That's exactly what you feel when your roommate walks in on you masturbating also, like this isn't such a big thing. And he also said, listen toby seemed uninterested and got off the bed and walked away from me as soon as my roommate walked in hey what the hell if the if the dog didn't want to get

fucked what was he doing on goddamn craigslist exactly hey at least at least it was a good sized dog it was a husky and a shepherd. It's not like it's sicker if he was trying to fuck a shih tzu or a pug or something cute like that. Then it's disgusting. Yeah. No, then you're just trying to feel big. I think the authorities are going to have more of a problem with the fact that it was a male dog than it was a dog.

Yeah, don't do this in Texas, Toby. Yeah. Meanwhile, Toby was on Craigslist looking for a sugar daddy. Fucking roommate had to ruin all of it. All right, sports. Yeah. What? All right, here we go.

Sports. What were you going to say? More Toby stuff? Well, I was just going to say, you know he i love that he was gauging the dog's interest like they they really dogs want to get they he thinks you're gonna pet him he doesn't know it's going past petting also so this dog has been taken and it's not being given back to mr dare and which is a crazy name in florida anyway and uh so the next you know whenever you adopt a dog part of you as you know you and i have adopted dogs rescued dogs whatever you want to call it

you're trying to guess what the previous owners how what the relationship was like what they did is the dog skittish when you go go to pet it, does it cower? When you stand behind Toby, does it run away? When Toby sees roses and hears Vivaldi playing, does he get a little nervous? When you've been patting your bed, trying to get Toby up on the bed for 45 minutes, you're starting to figure out what went on.

All right, sports. As soon as it sees a peanut butter jar, it fucking flies through the window. All right, sports. So good news for me last week the buccaneers did not cover the spread uh they had to give seattle two and a half at home and two in a row you got lucky you got a push and a win yep uh it was a bye week we got a bye week coming up. Oh. And then in my football pool, which I've been tracking on this show, there were 250 people. I was in the final eight.

I was knocked out this past week. I remembered. So I went to look at scores last week, and I recalled you saying Chicago, I think. No, I had Dallas. I mean, oh, no, I meant Dallas. Yeah, I had Dallas. And they lost by three points.

And you gave a couple points, I think. What's that? And I think you were favored. Yeah, I was favored by three and a half points, and they lost by three points. And at the last second, I was going to switch to the Giants, who were like four-point favorites, but that

would have broken my rule never bet on New York teams that would have been a harder loss for you if you had done that no they won the Giants no but I mean if you had lost I know I know I stuck by my I stuck by my rules well George Romero has a rule and that rule is never bet on his favorite team, Dallas. Let's get down to Tom Brady. Yeah, this guy, man. Tom Brady's charity is good at giving money, dot, dot, dot, to his own for-profit company. The quarterback's for-profit company, TB12, is the sole provider of, quote, sports therapy sessions

for the TB12 Foundation. Since it launched in 2015, the foundation, Brady's Foundation, has paid Brady's company a total of more than $1.6 million for its services. And it's the only company listed as an independent contractor for such treatments. So in other words, he funds his foundation and then uses the money from the foundation for his for-profit company. That's exactly right. So Alex Guerrero, Brady's longtime body coach and company co-founder, and he's the TB12 CEO.

Oh, sorry, no, Then the CEO, John Burns, I guess it's the three guys, became directors of the nonprofit, and the charity's tax records indicate TB12 paid them $497,500 and $631,000 respectively. Both Brady and Guerrero are each listed in the 2021 tax form as majority owner of TB12. Let me see. There's a whole other paragraph here. Let me see if it's worth reading. Guerrero has previously been in the FTC's crosshairs for falsely claiming to be a medical doctor and peddling dietary supplement capsules he claimed could cure cancer. Guerrero, called a snake oil salesman by some media organizations, later went on to sell a drink that could supposedly prevent concussions, and Brady endorsed it. The product, called NeuroSafe, advertised on its packaging as, quote, a seatbelt for your brain, and it wasn't available for long. He stopped selling it after the FTC sent his lawyer a letter that stated, we have concluded that your client did not possess competent and reliable scientific evidence to substantiate an extraordinary claim.

So a drink can cure or prevent a concussion. It's a seatbelt for your brain. Yeah, that's amazing. That's not even a good analogy. How about a cushion or padding? Right. Bless you. Thank you.

I'm allergic to bullshit. And then we also have Tom Brady and Giselle. Because of the divorce, all this information came out about their finances. And it turns out they've got this charitable foundation that they started. They've given away, ready for this, 0.08% of their $770 million fortune during their 15-year relationship. One Costa Rican charity they gave $300 to. So, and she said she was evangelical about their work, saying it's why God gave me to do what I can do.

So they gave away $640,000 in 15 years. They gave $900 to the World Wildlife Fund, which listen, I am not knocking a $900 donation, but I mean, that's a dinner for he and his family. Right. They gave 80,000 to a, they gave 80,000 to an Indo-Tibetan meditation group. Yeah. Cause, cause there's no homeless. Let's all meditate.

Yeah. And, and was it the TB12 Tibetan meditation retreat? exactly. Maybe they're, maybe they're. Maybe they had their divorce attorneys get massages and then paid them the $50,000 each for the divorce settlement through the TB12 foundation. Yeah. Wow. Unbelievable. How can you have that much money and not be charitable with it? That's insane to me. Especially when you keep getting in trouble for being a douche. Oh, yeah. They got the PPP bailout. They didn't need a PPP bailout. I mean, all your Massachusetts, they don't even have to be liberal.

It's they don't even have to be liberal. But even your fans, all these people who when you cozied up to to, you know, craft and to Trump and you got so much kickback, you don't think I mean, you can write it off for Christ's sake. Yeah. Well, meanwhile, at Wimbledon, female competitors will be allowed to wear dark-colored undershorts from next year. They've relaxed the all-white clothing rule to relieve a, quote, potential source of anxiety for players on their period. Women and girls can now wear mid and dark-colored undershorts, provided they are no longer than their skirt. So, well, there goes my favorite drinking game. You have to chug a Bloody Mary whenever a woman bleeds.

It was fun. You're disgusting. Well, this is yet another reason less people are going to watch women's tennis. Some of them like you are watching just for that. By the way, how about a black liner in your pit? We figured it out with drapes. You can have white curtains that are still block out the sun. Right.

You can't put a liner in these panties? Now we're getting out. All I have left now is watching marathoners shit their pants. I mean, what is sports for me anymore? Please, marathoners, please, please wear white little jogging shorts just so we can see you evacuate your bowels at mile 23. Did you ever shit your pants running a marathon? No.

I had to listen to the last part of that question. I didn't know when you were asking. I'd shit myself on a motorcycle. Did you? Yep. When I was myself on a motorcycle. Did you? Yep. When I was little, I had my dirt bike out, and me and my friend John, and he had a little YZ100 or whatever. I used to ride one of those.

Yeah, and I was driving, and I knew I had to go. We were pretty far from home, but it was middle of winter, and we're like, all right, let's just do this yard or whatever. We had found this field and there was ice on the field and I wiped out. And as, as I was sliding on the ice and my bike is sliding next to me, just then it happened. Nice. Yeah. So it was a warm, warm ride home.

Yep. All right, let's go to the obituaries. You got it. And that's all, folks. I mentioned earlier Bud Friedman, the comedy club pioneer who founded the original improv in New York in 1963, gave early career breaks to Jay Leno, Robert Klein, Bette Midler, Richard Pryor, Andy Kaufman.

Total legend. Passed away at 90 this past weekend from heart failure. He opened the Hollywood Improv then in 1975. And then later there were 22 Imp improvs across 12 states in 2018 when he sold off the company um but the one on 44th street in new york that he first opened employed rodney dangerfield as the mc elaine boosler and karen black were waitresses. Barry Manilow was the house piano player. Danny Aiello was a bouncer. Joe Piscopo was a doorman.

And Chris Albrecht managed the place. Chris Albrecht, who ran HBO for many years, created... This sounds like either the greatest or worst sitcom ever. Right. Like a Cheers, but loaded with the who's who. But the club started out as bud kind of wanted to be a broadway producer and so he had this idea of having like a a cocktail lounge where broadway performers would come to after their shows and do like a cabaret style kind of song and drinks thing

they should have that now what's that they should have that now. What's that? They should have that now. I know. And so it worked, and Bette Midler kind of got her break there. And you know who else? Pat Benatar got her break there. No. Yeah, yeah. And so then comedians started coming in,

and then he got more into the comedians, and the crowd started showing up for the comedians. Discovered Richard Lewis, Dick Cavett, David Brenner, Lily Tomlin, Freddie Prinze, Chris Rock. I mean, it's just crazy the amount of careers that—and he really supported. He was the guy that he gave you advice. He would put you on the road. He had these gigs outside of town that he would send you on. And the thing about Bud was he was a tough motherfucker.

He was from the Bronx. He fought in the Korean War. In that Battle of Porkchop Hill, got a Purple Heart. Seriously? Yeah. The mob used to try to come in. He chased the mob out of his club famously um he got a degree in advertising from nyu all these guys that fought in wars and then

got degrees when they had no money and then just incredible what they what what they accomplished um so i had a lot of good times with him over the years. We used to go on the road together sometimes. Wow. Uh, yeah. Um, you introduced me to him once and it was like, maybe I was going up there on a St. Pat or whatever. And he just made me feel like the only person in the room, you know? And I was clearly knew my place. I was like, probably sheepishly said, you know, so nice to meet you. And he's like, you're going up. I was like, probably sheepishly said, you know, so nice to meet you. And he's like, you're going up. I'm like, you know, I probably did a kind of like, I'm not really, you know, I'm going to be reading notes. I'm a writer. And he was just so just warm and

nice and, um, just so accommodating. Yeah. I mean, think about the amount of insecure comedians that he held. I mean, that was his gift. Yep, yep. Zoe would talk about, especially Andy Kaufman, but Andy Kaufman would come over for dinner. Little Zoe's called to the dinner table, and there's Andy Kaufman, like a lot. Yeah. No, and she said, like, Richard Lewis used to babysit her.

Like all these comedians would babysit because Bud. Okay, now I'm having my doubts about Bud. So anyway, our love goes out to Zoe and Ross, who you probably know Ross as well, his son. And so there's going to be a service in january i missed the one there was a service on friday but i was in tampa but there's gonna be another one in january let's cheer up and do some sunday funnies here it comes there we go i don't know how you cheer up when you're reading about medieval times and the kind of behavior that went on back then. There's a girl sitting on a bench,

and then Lucky, who's Hager's sidekick, is sitting facing away from the girl on the bench. And then in the second frame, there's three rapists walking towards them, and she goes, Would you mind either getting up your nerve or giving someone else a chance i mean she knows she's about to be raped well this is what's sweet it seems like this comic strip hagger has gotten a little woke because here in the first frame the rapist is playing hard to get

and is demure his hands are clasped together you know there's no it's not aggressive at all it's actually a very calm for especially a rapist very calm little way of sitting I think he's new at it

I think he's just getting started and he's peeking over his shoulder like i don't want to give her huge rape vibes but she has to know why i'm here and she does know why he's there it turns out well she's in public in the 15th century she she's going to be raped yeah this is just like swimming as far out in shark infested waters as you can. Here is the Lockhorns. Leroy and Loretta are sitting on armchairs and Loretta says, how can we discuss this intelligently when you insist on talking? That is an incredibly solid joke.

The next one is also solid. Loretta is blowing out the candles on her birthday cake. There are many candles. Leroy has a leaf blower and says, Need some help blowing out the candles? They're great. And then finally, they're standing outside of a sign that says, Peter's Beauty Salon.

And Leroy says to Loretta as she's exiting, you have to admire Peter's struggle in the face of insurmountable odds. That's just mean. OK, over to the far side. So I put one in here. I'll read that one next week. But did you say someone sent this one in? Somebody sent one in that was great. This. Oh, I know this one. This is so great. OK, what the picture is, you have an airplane in the sky and you can see the cockpit and in the cockpit you see the two pilots and they seem to be, you know, they have facial expressions where they're struggling a little bit. And so here's the quote under the picture. Quote, the fuel lights on. Frank, we're windows of the passengers and they're all wide eyed it's so great that is just as good as it gets yeah it's amazing it's a perfect one frame

comic yeah um and now we now we get to a three frame comic comic. Blondie, sadly, is only in two out of the three. The first one, Blondie and Dagwood are arm in arm walking down a fall sidewalk. There's leaves. A blonde woman walks past them. And then Blondie says, that's odd. That pretty lady didn't smile at you. And Dagwood goes, what do you mean?

And in the next frame, she says, usually when we pass her on this sidewalk, she gives you a big smile. And Dagwood goes what do you mean and the next in the next frame she says usually when we pass her on this sidewalk she gives you a big smile and Dagwood goes really I've never noticed that third frame he's talking to Herb over the bushes and Herb says maybe she just didn't notice you and Dagwood goes I'm guessing the sun was in her eyes are you fucking is this a far, is this a farce? Is this a joke? There's women checking out Dagwood? And he would care? He's arm and arm. I mean, this chick that walks by is a homely sad sack.

She's got on mom jeans. She drives a legacy Outback. Yes. And he's with the sweetest hot piece of ass in whatever fucking town they live in. No, Blondie looks like she's dressed like she's going to a bachelor party. And you wouldn't believe what's under that coat. Right. Right. It's like an orange coat. The hair is done.

You got to see the calves. I mean, just like little bowling pins pushing her hot little body up the sidewalk. It's like a, you know her hot little body up the sidewalk. It's like a, you know, an overcoat above the knee. It's like, you know, somebody had a joke that said, anytime you have somebody who's married to a supermodel, there's still a guy who's sick of fucking the same woman every night. Of course. supermodel there's still a guy who's sick of fucking the same woman every night of course and you know i don't know what i don't know what dad would really want at this point but i think it's time i think it's time for her to step away well my old dumb line was when uh i was married and a you know you're out here in la and a goddamn specimen would walk by like they have to be a professional model uh and it's glaring and distracting so liz would catch me and i would

just quickly be like i'd like point at her like she's crazy i'm like eat something already like that would explain that would explain my wide-eyed holy shit look at this body walking by i'd be like eat something she's not i can't even believe she's still making a walking she's not gonna make it home you just come up with any reason to look at her like does she look like my cousin lori this is then you can stare jesus hiv much or what does her do her tits look like my cousin lori's that's a weird way to go all right listen people we want to thank you for listening as always we appreciate the support spreading the word for the show by going to Apple Podcasts and leaving a review and some stars.

Tell your friends about the show. Don't forget also support our sponsor. This week is Factor. You're going to go to go.factor75.com slash Papers60 and use code Papers60 to get 60% off your first box. That's a pretty good deal. Also,

thanks to they, they're legitimately great. I didn't make up that story about my dad. All true. Um, definitely give them a try. Also shout out to mid coast media, Chris Denman and Beth hoops and key and John and everybody over there that

keeps things moving forward. We appreciate it. And Mike, I'll see you back. And you're going to be on the golf course this week? I don't know about that. You know what it is? It's the walking three miles, which I guess is nine holes. Hey, remind me next week.

I'm going to put these earphones, earpods, whatever they're called, headphones in a hat right here to my right. I'm hiding it from my daughter. I like it. Let's see if one of us remembers that it's in that hat next week. They want to may want to throw that Oxycontin in there as well. I'd love that. I might take one now just for kicks.

Not I'm kidding. It's medically necessary. So we should talk about schedule with this holiday season coming up. Right. So Thanksgiving is this week. Yeah. Which is crazy to me. Yeah.

What are we going to do? Are you going up to Ojai? No, not doing that this year. Really? Staying local. Staying local. Oh, so you'll come to the soccer game. That's Friday?

Thursday. Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving Day. Maybe. I mean, I do have the, I'm limping, but maybe. Yeah, but the girls will play. I could be a goalie. Well, they're going to do two Thanksgivings because, you know, we got with Liz also.

And so anyway, but we are doing one next week? Of course. We always do it. with Liz also. And so anyway, but we are doing one next week. Of course. We always do it. So when do you think we're going to record? Wednesday? I don't know. Can we do this off the air?

Nobody gives a fuck about this. I think people love this inside baseball. Thanks for listening, everybody. I think people should take it-ish going into the Thanksgiving weekend. Take it. Take it- Take it.

All right. Sunday papers. Read all about it. With Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons. Florida man's gonna get arrested. Probably has meth in his wallet. Hear, hear,

hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear,

hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear,

hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, hear, Hear, hear, hear, read all about it. Hear, hear, hear,

read all about it.