Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 143 12/11/22

Episode Date: December 11, 2022

The listeners beat up on Mike this week who has some big news. A Mormon gets it on with a guy in front of his 20 wives, a FLA man gets it on with a Labradoodle in front of his kids, and Celine Dion has gone stiff. Brittney Griner is back and a journalist has a mysterious death at the World Cup; did he die of boredom?

Sunday Papers podcast with your host Craig and Mike. Sound and let him know when you come alive. It's Sunday Papers. It's Sunday Papers. Saturday, here we come. It's Sunday Papers. And Sunday is always... Read all about it! Read all about it!

Extra, extra! Sunday Papers! Read all about it. Read all about it. Extra, extra Sunday papers coming in from Los Angeles and Nashville, Tennessee. Yes, ma'am. I got to turn this volume up a little here. Curious, curious why Mike Gibbons is so often doing the podcast from Nashville, Tennessee. It is not that often. And you also know the answer. So I am seeing a beautiful woman who you've met. And so I find myself down here. Mike's got a girlfriend. And I have really sort of and I let you know, I've fallen in love with

Nashville, which, you know, there's also Wheeler Walker Jr. down here. Yeah. That's another love of mine. Anyway, so, and it's quite wintry here. Yeah. I don't know if you can see it, despite being in the south. And so, do you want to give people the breakdown a little bit? How long have you been dating this wonderful woman who I've met?

She's fantastic. She's very smart. She's very cool. She's a cool person. Yeah. And seems like a very caring individual. Yeah. I don't like, as you know, talking too much about personal stuff unless it's making fun of my daughters.

Yes. But, yeah, no. It's everything. Yeah, it's great. She's everything you just said. And been dating a while. And yeah, it's great. So that explains why I am sitting here in Nashville. All right. Good enough. Good job, Mike. I know it's hard for you to express emotions or be vulnerable in any way, so that was a good 10 seconds of you actually opening up. I don't even like talking about my relationship with you. I know. And we do a podcast every week together.

Right, right. Yeah, exactly. But thank you for asking. And what else? I'm hanging Christmas lights right after this. Oh, nice. Yeah. In a very, unlike LA, although you have, you're rocking a pretty nice hat right now.

Um, it's cold here. It's, it's about to rain here for a couple of days and they say the snow storms are going to be unbelievable up in the Sierras and And the skiing is going to be world class. Oh, wow. I think we're going to try to run up and ski for a day or two if we can next week. I don't think I have the green light for that for a while, although it's so funny. So I just had my hip replaced, right? Yeah.

Yeah, but surgeons are really truly so many of them are godlike. So I think I might have mentioned this to you. So the surgeon who I just had a follow-up meeting with is like, you can do anything you think you can do. And you know, meanwhile, physical therapy is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's not telling the truth. Like it's not, but you know, he's so proud of his work. He's like, yeah, if you want to go skiing, go ahead. I'm like, well, when does it totally, you know, anyway, uh, uh so i could according to the surgeon go skiing but i know i should not no take it easy take it easy and also i might sound a little stuffed up i had a severe head cold for the last couple days i had a temperature i was like you

ever get so achy and sore that it actually feels better to walk slowly and like stretch rather than sit still because once you sit still you're in just agony you just kind of were mimicking that or like you know pantomiming it or whatever it is with your body and you looked like a very you look like a cat the day before it's going to die. You look like an old cat who is just trying to get one more stretch in. Yeah. And can barely walk around. Our friend Barry Fitzgerald had a cat that was like that. And it was on her last leg for about three years.

And you'd go to her house and the cat would just, it would walk. It would take five minutes to walk across the room. We're like, why are you keeping this fucking thing alive? That's how I felt. I felt like that to my wife. Why are you keeping me alive right now? And that's from you who kept two dogs alive way past their due date. Way too long.

I know. Way past. But you know what? You know why I think I got the cold? And maybe people can weigh in on this. Because God hates you. I got, cold and maybe people can weigh in on this. Cause God hates you. I got, well,

yeah. Um, I got the COVID booster and the flu shot on the same day on Tuesday. And then I was mildly sick for a day or two and then it hit me hard on Thursday. Yeah. Mine were separated, but I forgot. Oh, I were separated, but I forgot. I had zero symptoms, and I'm very surprised.

COVID is, oh, I guess we're not going to talk about it, but it is a news item. I guess, wait, some country is, masks are back in New York. I think I read that headline. Really? Yeah, and again, fact check us us as always, because who knows? But I'll look it up now. But I guess the numbers are increasing. Wow. So mass back on in New York hospitals near capacity in Kansas.

Huh? Yeah. Kansas. I know. I don't know what that means. I can look it up. But do you think it's possible that the vaccine caused me to get sick? Well, they say people do have reactions. Well, the flu shot, they say. I don't know. I mean, I think they say no. I mean, it can't give you the flu or maybe in the rarest cases or something. Yeah. But I'd say generally to your questions, no. But I have sexual fantasies all week about Bill Gates. Is that weird?

No, that's the vaccine. Okay. That is the vaccine, yes. That's why he tracks you he wants to he wants to know when you're coming all right you're gonna make your way up to seattle or wherever he is check check is this loud enough i think so uh jojo's got a new job check what is that she's working over at penmar she's uh serving food at penmar yeah um can she please tell us what's broken with the system over there? We'll find out. We're going to find out from the inside

why the service is traditionally not great at the Penmar Golf Club. Little public golf course. Little kind of run-down public golf course in Venice. It's kind of our country club. It is very much our country club. We're there every Friday

and sometimes more. I would say the most diverse country club in America. It is. Yeah. Certainly up there if you're going to call it a country club. Yeah. And so she's she's just like at the espresso bar right now and serving coffees and pastries. And I'll tell you what, man, I was like, how much are you getting paid? She's like, minimum wage plus tips. I go, well, how much is minimum wage? And she's like, I think it's like $15 or $16. And then tips, I think you get a fair amount of tips working.

I mean, it's literally there's a line where she's selling things the entire time. And I'm sure she's getting a tip on every single transaction, right? So that's going to be some serious dough. Especially now, you know, as everyone makes fun. Now that, you know, anywhere you see an iPad, it's like now I'm tipping for something I never tipped for before. Yeah, I know. Well, Starbucks just started adding a tipping thing on credit card charges. Oh, really?

They never had a tip jar. They never had the tipping option. That's kind of like what I like their mobile app. No option. Well, there's probably an option for tipping, but I've never seen it. Well, they basically, you know, tipping is a way for restaurants to not have to pay their employees a living wage because they can pay them less and say, let the customer make up the difference between what they should be making and what they are

making. Then there's those restaurants in Venice I've seen and maybe elsewhere in LA where not only is gratuity added or sometimes it's not, but there's been like a 3% added for health care or the well-being of the employees. Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right. So there's that all of a sudden. Well, Owen went to the comedy store on Thursday night to see me with his friends. He brought three friends. Nice. Which was cute.

Yeah, they sat out there and they pre-gamed, had a few drinks, and then they got to the club. And, you know, it's a two-drink minimum, which I got them on the list. The last time he went, they comped them. So I think he thought that they were going to comp their drinks again. Yeah. And so they were ordering doubles and all this, and the bill was like $260 for the four of them. Oh, no.

Yeah. And you're like, I got paid $40 to be here. $30. Yeah. Oh, no. yeah so and you're like i got paid 40 to be here 30 yeah oh no all right now you start thinking about the numbers of like they're getting 260 bucks a table there's probably 50 tables in there so do the math on that um and the comedians are each making 30 bucks and there's like six comedians on the show so they're they're paying out less than 200 and it doesn't seem right it doesn't seem right it's a store it's a good and there's products they're moving product it's a store i was at the store uh this week i think it was wednesday maybe no tuesday i think it was tuesday and there was it's i don't know how much i can talk about but it's this uh

oh no it's public they put it on instagram the it's these roasts that have been organized and whitney cummings i believe is the producer and she's doing it with OnlyFans had you heard about it before I mentioned it to you yeah of course no no I mean these roasts on OnlyFans yeah yeah yeah I mean Whitney's been telling me about it for the last couple months oh yeah she had a writer's room she had like uh yeah there's a full production I I mean, I think they, I think OnlyFans

spent some serious money on it. I think so. I mean, I think there were 12 cameras, which by the way, I've worked on the, you know, very professional roasts

that are air on Comedy Central and there's less cameras there, I believe. Anyway, there were 12 cameras in the comedy store in that main room and it was quite

a production. And this so that she was the subject of the first roast. And this one was Bert Kreischer. And then I remember telling you after it, the first roaster to go up was Jim Norton. And he destroyed. And, you know, the best case scenario in a lot of these is someone will go up on a roast and nail someone so perfectly. You're like that. That's it. Like, you know, or and then generally when someone goes up, you're like, wow, no one can follow that. And the best roast are when people do follow it. Right. They have their own style and may find a way to nail the person and all that. And so that did not happen. I mean, there were good roasters after Hinchcliffe went after.

So they front loaded it for sure. But and I don't want to repeat any of the jokes, even though, of course, I've forgotten most. But Norton was so impressive. They were just super smart. And, of course, edgy jokes. And I mentioned and you said you've done a roast with them yeah we've roasted Mike Calta which is a he's a big radio guy down in Tampa he's syndicated around the country now so we went down it was me and Jim Norton and um who else went down

Bert Kreischer went down and we we had this crazy roast and he destroyed on that too he's a he's a good roaster I mean basically anybody that did on that too. He's a good roaster. I mean, basically, anybody that did Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn is a good roaster because that's all that show was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who else? So it was Burt Got Roasted. It was Big Jay Oakerson, Tony Hitchcliffe.

Yup. Donnell. Donnell Rawlings. Whitney. No other women? Yes, yes. What's her name? Nikki Glaser?

No, not Nikki Glaser. She was flown in from New York. She's, sorry, I'm just so spacey right now. Rachel Feinstein. Rachel Feinstein. That's exactly who it was. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know she's married to a firefighter, I guess. That was the topic of a lot of jokes. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. That's funny. Yeah. Um, cool. She went up, she went up and then, and then I left a little, I left a bit early. Like there was a long, long intermission.

Mistake. Right. And then it came back and I didn't stay that long. Oh, Tom Segura did a video. He submitted a video piece where he roasted Burt via video. And a lot of people touched on it's quite an accomplishment to be one of the most embarrassing people from Florida, which is where Bert's from.

Yeah, yeah. But anyway, I don't want to step on it too much. I don't know when it airs. But, man, there are some really good jokes, and especially Norton just killed it. Wow. So I went to a football game on Sunday. I was in Dallas, and Ari Shaffir took me to the Dallas game.

And we saw what a stadium. Oh, my God. It is like massive, massive stadium. And the energy. I mean, these people are football fans. I mean, are there bigger football fans than Dallas in the country? I mean, I guess you got like Green Bay. You're going to get so many letters now.

Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah, Green Bay owns their team, by the way. Yeah. It's crazy. But they give you, you sit down and there's a towel on your seat so you can wave the towel. And you got 100,000 people waving the towel and fucking screaming. And it's a dome, but they had the dome closed, thank God, because it was freezing in Dallas.

And me and Ari, we smoked a fatty before we went in. And it was cool because he gets noticed more than I do, but we both got noticed. And it was really nice. People were more than I do, but we both got noticed. And it was really nice. People were very respectful, took a bunch of selfies. But it felt like the perfect mix of being left alone. The guy sitting right behind us was a big fan, but he didn't say anything until the end, and then he asked for a selfie.

And yeah, it was fun. It was fun. I'm just glad no one stood their ground and shot, it was fun. It was fun. I'm just glad no one stood their ground and shot you in the face. Yeah, right. They're probably giving you your space because they're too busy chasing down women who are seeking abortions. So that good old Texas welcome. Yeah, there's a lot more pregnant women than you'd expect to see. Seems like pregnancy is on the rise.

They're incentivized, yeah. So, all right, so let's get to it. We want to shout out Lawrence Tarpey, who made a beautiful logo for this week. Yeah, that was cool. Thank you, Lawrence. Should be in there. Mitchie Mitch did a very cool song. Mitchie Mitch contributes regularly to the show.

We asked for new logos and songs last week. A lot of you answered the call. We got a bunch. Definitely need more. Keep them coming. Fitz Dog Radio. There was a little hint of nine-inch nails in there in a way. Yeah.

That's what I heard. Yeah. Keep them coming. FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. Some corrections came in that skewed a little little hard on mike a little hard on mike last week i love it um somebody wrote in oh i don't have their name for some reason please just tell mike that the football player was probably inarguably the best player if there is no argument and arguably is if there is some argument about it please don't mention on the air i'm not looking for recognition oh boy it's just that he's always

so careful about his speech and this word is always used incorrectly okay i don't know if i wanted to use i don't even know what he's talking about but or she but i probably would say arguably like i remember you're supposed to say inarguably but i wasn't calling him the best i don't i can't imagine what football player i was calling the best i don't know anyway i uh i all right no taken but i remember my my dad would always get upset when we were little if we said, like, the most. He'd be like, one of the most. You know, like, he always, like, left room. Yeah.

And he hated when we spoke in such superlatives and with such, like, conviction, like, that it wasn't up for debate or that someone else wouldn't have another opinion. So I rarely use inarguably. I find that Owens' generation is very into absolute superlatives. You know, they want to talk about how LeBron James is the greatest player to ever play the game, and he's better than MJ. And we have long fights about whether MJ was greater than LeBron. And I'm not that resolute about it myself. I happen to have lived during the time when Jordan was dominating

and where he was magic and when he brought new life to the league. But I guess the numbers, if you look at the hard numbers, maybe LeBron is the greatest. But then you got Will Chamberlain, right? Yeah. He's got a lot of records. I'm sure people are, you know, it's definitely sports podcast material. But I think there's also you are looking at the context.

In other words, how many stars did Jordan have on the team with him? And the answer was like almost zero a little bit. And then of course, Pippen stepped up. You know what I mean? And Rodman was this unbelievable monster under the boards. But some people look at it that way. That's one of the big arguments against kobe is he had maybe even a bigger superstar on his team you know in shack right right so um anyway yeah so um but i just find his generation is very much like that though they they're very self-righteous and uh it's it's annoying i love my son but i find him to be annoying sometimes especially with the 250 bar tab uh no you're right i think well you know listen what you do learn uh as you go through life is is those i i'm spacing on how how to describe the word but those nevers always they will almost always

never help you there i use both words in the same there you go but like i remember you know when you go to therapy and any couples counseling whatever it's like those are death man yeah like you never do this for me or you always say that it's like yeah and you don't even have to be a married couple like what happens is you're leaving the person thinking about the always or the never and the times they didn't do it just make it easier and saying like you know you tend to do this right right

by the way France just defeated England they had a they had a penalty kick with no with zero time left on the clock England had a penalty kick to zero time left on the clock. England had a penalty kick to tie it up, and the fucking guy kicked it right over the goal, which is they had two penalty kicks in the game.

They kicked them both right over the goal, and one of them was actually from not far out at all. So they blew it on PKs. I saw the PKs yesterday. I missed Brazil's, but I saw Argentina PKs yesterday I missed Brazil's but I saw Argentina's but of course now you're probably, Gubbin's going to be

furious at you because you just spoiled the England game for him, were you on that text chain where you went off on Rabih well I mean that is a faux pas you don't spoil scores on a thread with guys that watch sports

and so many are watching this soccer on a little bit of a delay right yeah and he was uh live commenting you know what's weird is my sister was in new york and we were texting back and forth about the game and she said something like well well, they're already up 2-1, and they were only up 1-1 on the live feed in L.A., and it was a full three minutes before the goal got scored in California. Oh, maybe you should ask her about the Tampa Bay game right now that's going to take place tomorrow. Yeah, we'll get to that later.

Williams says, seems as though to that later. William says, seems as though someone that condescends to Southerners and the poor Here, me. Poor. References Fahrenheit 451 and is in a privileged enough position to extend his abuse of a special parking pass would also realize that frequent them often

is retardedly redundant. Has Mike always come across as douchey or is it only since he made some money? Love the show, Greg. I have less money now, so I don't know how that works. There's a lot to unpack there, Mike. You want to just go through it? I frequent them often. Well, I guess, I don't know.

I think he's right. But frequent, I guess I was using as visit or you know patronize maybe that's the problem is no matter what i do i'm patronizing yeah uh but no you frequent them i go to them often but frequent does do that lifting i guess right i think if you say i frequent a place you don't say I frequent it often. I think he's dead on. I don't know. It still seems incomplete to me.

How often do you frequent it? Frequently. But it is also doing the lifting for, you know, visiting or going to. Well, what about the fact that he says that you have a privileged position and you condescend to Southerners and the poor? One, the only thing I disagree with is the poor, unless they're poor Southerners. Is that what he's saying? The poor South, yes, I will.

I absolutely do do that. Guilty as charged. In fact, I frequently do that in a quite often way. And what about this parking pass? Do you want to try to defend that? Not a chance. I abused the shit out of that thing. Not only that, when it expires, I'm punching a new hole in the thing.

I'm getting another year. It's the greatest thing ever i do have two titanium hips that should count for something daryl says i'm not sure what's more shitty putin's trousers or your memory greg not five minutes into talking about watching the crown you report about the 1952 smog that killed 4 000 people in England. You were both bewildered. The exact event was the topic of an entire episode of The Crown's first season. You are not alone. I know my mind is also circling the drain these days.

Oh, Daryl brings it back. That's almost like a great Dylan song, like Idiot Wind, where you, you, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, and by the end it's like we're both idiots. Yeah. Yeah, I'm innocent as charged i have not seen the crown i never even heard about this smog and i was bewildered last week by it well i will say that i've gotten to the age where i can easily reread a book and enjoy all the twists and turns for the first time all over again i i don't remember

shit i can re-watch a movie and uh not remember how it ends it's great it's so great it's you know what's um unbelievable to me is how good our memories were like yeah it was just a sponge you watch things people would ask you about a movie you would you you could talk about every scene right now it's like i just finished better call saul i don't even remember what happened at you know the last two episodes yeah um well it's also like uh when i was at a certain age i remembered everything like i just met up with my friend, Gary Bozanski, and we talked for like an hour and a half. And then he goes, dude, you have a fucking crazy good memory.

And I'm like, yeah. Who are you? From the ages of 8 to 18, I remember everything. I remember everything. I remember albums. I remember, like, I can tell you the track, every song on an album in order from that time. Name an album. Oh, I know. Name an album from that time.

Some Girls by the Rolling Stones, my favorite. Miss You, Some Girls, Respectable, Beast of Burden, Shattered. That was side one. Wow. Side two, Just My Imagination. What's the country one? Far Away Eyes.

Yep. Just Waiting on a Friend. Is that on the album? No, that's a different album. Oh. Oh, look at you. Sing. Try to trick you.

on that album? No, that's a different album. Oh, look at you sing. Try to trick you. And now I can't, I don't know that I have memorized the lyrics to a song in 20 years at this point. No, I know. We could all talk about that. Like I remember my home phone number. I remember phone numbers of friends when I was little. I don't even know my daughter's cell phones. And here's the thing. Of course, you're like, oh, well, you never see it. Right here, I have a Post-it.

Because those are two phone numbers I really need to know. Because if my phone gets lost and I'm out with them somewhere, I have no way to get in touch with them. If my battery dies or whatever. And you can't call and try to commit them to memory they're just meaningless numbers it makes no sense to me i don't have that muscle that just takes meaningless data and just files it in order so i can have it at my disposal do you know my phone number i do know it because you have your

dumb little saying about it yeah i'm not gonna say it but i do know it two you have your dumb little saying about it. I'm not going to say it, but I do know it. Two words. Two words. I'm trying to think if I can remember your phone number in New York. Oh, I wouldn't know it. It was 212 still, wasn't I old school? Yeah. 3815 were the last four numbers

of it not that's i zero memory of any of those numbers nothing even sounds familiar yeah uh do you remember do you remember your dates that covered up the dates of what oh oh boy i was trying to segue into your uh, but wait, Oh, there's one more criticism of me. Uh, Alan Sylvester. That's a weird last name. I was watching the super shitty movie go from the late nineties. And there's a scene at the end where Timothy Oliphant and Katie Holmes are

eating in a diner. Oliphant starts shitting on family circus saying how much it sucks. Coincidence. Did Mike write on the movie or is it possible that Mike has stolen his, I hate family circus bit. Feels like Mike has too much integrity to steal from a shitty movie, but I thought I'd ask. Love the pod.

Listen every week. Did I write the shitty movie? Was that one of the questions? I remember, I remember kind of liking the movie a little bit. Um, it was like so independent. It was hard to root against it but no i we both of us are aware of that that's been brought to our attention i have no memory of that at all um well look i mean there is there is the nichey family circus takeoff where somebody writes Nietzschean quotes under them.

No, it's well-trod terror. We're not breaking new ground on making fun of Family Circus. No. I don't remember that being in the movie, which I did see the movie. But I also remember Family Circus making no goddamn sense for decades. And to everybody. It's just universally despised. You know what does make sense?

Go ahead. Going to the Atlanta Punchline on January 19th through the 21st. Sure does. Or Portland Helium Comedy Club January 26th through the 28th. And Philly Helium March 9th through the 11th. Go to FitzDawg.com for tickets. Should we get to the front page? I don't have paper. Do you have paper?

I got it. Oh. Look at you. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! All right, you're going to have to read some of these because my voice is going.

Oh, boy, what a switch. All right, this is your story. Samuel Bateman, a self-proclaimed prophet of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, in other words, Mormons, had 20 wives, many of whom were under the age of 15, according to an FBI investigation. Bateman drank wine and had sex with a male follower.

Oh, that gets more interesting. In a motel room in Lincoln,braska in front of his underage wives um some of whom were johnson's own daughters oh my god yeah oh sorry the guy he slept with his name was johnson so he brought his daughters and i guess slept so So the FBI said the women and girls were required to stand naked and watch the quote binding of brothers. More like the bending of brothers. Bateman also

forced his wives to have sex with other male followers the documents say. He maintained that he was acting under instructions from quote Heavenly Father and told the girls that had sacrificed and told the girls that they had sacrificed their virtue for the Lord. That's so sweet.

I always love take your daughter to work day. Take your daughter to a depressing motel and watch daddy have sex with another man day. The headline should have been mormons know how to party a lot has been said about mormons recently you know like all these murder docs and true crime docs and all that but quite to the contrary of their most popular image of being boring is they are far from clean cut and God serving. That's for sure.

It's just religion is such a cover up. It's I mean, you just think about like if he had tried to pull this off without invoking God, the girls would have been like, what are we doing? Why are we naked in a hotel room watching you fuck my sister? Why are we naked in a hotel room watching you fuck my sister? You know, it's like I thought as a Catholic going into a dark booth and having an old, drunken pedophile listen to my dirtiest thoughts. I thought that was creepy. Do you still think that? That's weird.

God. Yeah. And what else? And why do you masturbate? And what do you think about when you masturbate? How do you do it? Next story. Slave wages. A reparations task force in California announced that descendants of slaves could receive more than 200 grand to compensate for the enduring impact of racism and slavery today. A nine member panel created by Governor Gavin Newsom examined the impacts of racism and slavery. According to the New York Times, which reviewed the report, the panel

estimated that around $569 billion should be given as compensation to around 2 million black individuals living in the state as a result of housing discrimination that occurred between 1933 and 1977. Wow. Wait a minute. Is it for slavery or is it reparations for housing discrimination? I'm confused because I don't believe there was much slavery in California. Well, it's descendants of slaves. Okay.

And it's the enduring impact of racism and slavery yeah yeah but good luck finding it go ahead yeah do you remember the chapelle sketch as actually a couple they did it at least twice the sketches about blacks getting reparations in this country i remember i don't remember them exactly. Oh, my God. I really think it might have been the sketch that made him quit doing the show in terms of like how he was portraying black people. Right. It was like, you know, the richest black guy. They all have money and they're all like, you know, it's a Donna Rawlings in a truck.

He's got a delivery truck filled with cigarettes. He's like, I'm rich, bitch. That's where it comes from. That's where that line comes from. Right, right. And and like Chappelle is playing dice and he's the richest black man in America. It was really like it was crazy. All lined up outside a liquor store.

Oh, wow. It was crazy. Yeah. Well, good luck finding a three-bedroom home in Los Angeles for just $569 billion. Yeah, right, right. Too late. It's not going to help at all. Yeah, what does that break down to?

Denman, calculate $569 billion divided by $2 million. So I guess you have to prove that you were a descendant which says they could receive more than 200 grand oh okay but you have to prove you were a descendant so or you don't get the money and i wonder it's a weird conundrum, do you hope and pray that your ancestors were slaves? Or in some psychic way, do you think, I hope they weren't slaves and they didn't have to suffer through that. But then I don't get the money. Also, was there great paperwork with slaves? Like, especially when they had to be freed? Right.

Maybe. I don't know. Edmund says $284,000 each. Whoa. Yeah, you're not going to find a condo in L.A. for $284,000. Well, some are going to get more and some are going to get less, because I'm sure they'll look it up and they'll be like, all right, kind of bad news.

Your great, great, great grandfather was the white slave owner. So just half of that lineage was a slave. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be tricky. Totally. Ricky. Duh.

San Francisco couple Ansel and Adeline Easton married in 1857 and planned a long, extravagant honeymoon on the East Coast. The ship left Panama for New York City. A hurricane swept up the vessel, throwing it across the waves and battering the crew. It sank. A handful of women and children, including Adeline Easton, were able to make it to lifeboats. Most of the men died. The shipwreck

was recovered in 1980. The most eye-catching is the earliest known pair of five-button fly heavy-duty work pants believed made by Levi Strauss. These could sell now at auction for $1 million or more.

The world's most valuable jeans. I just, who's at the auction? Dave Navarro's there. Mark Maron is right up front. What? Imagine, like, we're going down. Grab the silver and jewels.

No, grab the weird blue work pants that are like a burlap bag. Yeah, grab those really uncomfortable stiff pants. I got a feeling, I just got a feeling they're going to be really valuable, more valuable than those rubies one day. Right, right. I guess they were in a trunk, and the trunk was sealed in a way that preserved them. In a trunk, and the trunk was sealed in a way that preserved them. Now, was the button fly... Chris, when was the zipper invented?

I mean, was button fly the standard? Think about the zipper. I mean, what an invention. Somebody invented it, and they patented it. You know you can stick a small, like the end of a paper clip if you straighten it out. You can stick that anywhere in a closed zipper and it'll just open. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huh. Good hack. I believe they show that. Like, that's why suitcases are so easy to bring. You know, that you lock a zipper, I think, is BS, I believe. show that. That's why suitcases are so easy to bring. You lock a zipper, I think, is BS, I believe. All right, 1892. Whitcombe Judson. Oh, yeah.

Whitcombe Judson invented them in 1892. But before that, everything had to be buttoned. There was only buttons. And then all of a sudden, there's this new thing where you can just quickly zip up your coat zip up your fly oh i wonder if there were snaps when were snaps invented i know velcro was late you know you do you know about the invention of velcro no i probably have this wrong but a guy studied he was so pissed off at how unbelievably clingy burrs you know when he would go on like a hike when the burrs would

grab his like pants that he put it under a microscope and he saw how it grabbed and he replicated that for velcro wow i feel like wow might be too much no i mean i think velcro is this amazing invention that was never used right. Like, remember sneakers that had Velcro? Why are we not using sneakers with Velcro still? I mean, it's so easy and it's so strong. Oh, you are really old. Okay.

Well, there is super strong Velcro. And I mean, remember when Letterman for the kids out there, Letterman put on a Velcro suit and ran onto a trampoline and then stuck on a wall as Velcro stuck to the wall. just starting to do stand-up i got hired by uh reebok to do this it was called the campus america tour and i would go we would go from school to school we had like two 18 wheelers and a couple of vans yeah and we would go from school to school and we would set up the velcro wall we had like nerf guns and it was just like all these activities and i would run around with a wireless microphone and a reebok jumpsuit and and and just shit on people for like four hours a day. It was an awesome gig. And then you'd put on a Velcro suit and then jump on a woman who had a nice sweater on that the Velcro would stick to. Hey, now.

1885 were snaps. How about that? Wow. What a time. The late 1800s. What a time for garments. Yep. All right.

Elizabeth Finch, who had served as a writer and consulting producer on ABC's Grey's Anatomy, has given an interview in which she admitted that she lied about her health and personal life. Finch said she had never had any form of cancer. What I did was wrong, not okay, fucked up, all the words. Finch had made up past stories about her life, including having been diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer as well as losing a kidney and part of her leg. How do you lie about losing part of your leg?

She taped a dummy catheter to her arm and shaved her hair to feign that she was undergoing chemotherapy. I really miss it. I miss my fellow writers. It's like a family. And one of the things that makes it so hard is that they did rally around a false narrative that I gave. She resigned and sought inpatient treatment before an investigation by the show began. Investigation by the show began. She also lied to a colleague by telling her her brother died of suicide when he was actually alive and living in Florida. She told the publication she did. She did feel guilty for the false stories.

And it's resulted in both the loss of work and some family members disowning her. All right. So just before we get to the jokes so this story is like from earlier this year or something or maybe even last year and but this is our first interview so this has been talked about a lot um and this is what is not included in there now so when she brought up her illness it created a storyline for gray's anatomy and she then wrote multiple episodes wow about it yeah and so i mean my take is listen i've been in the sitcom writers room so have you like any please i don't care where it comes from does someone have a story like we got to do 22 of these

motherfucking things right right right and so many people lie about stories anyway you'll be like you know i used to go to this really mean soup guy in midtown like i spike first and did do that he was the guy that pitched it but i'm saying if any of your friends tell you a story you'll bring it into work and be like oh that happened to me you know what i mean and and you're not going to get fired for that of course no i've pitched stories in in writers rooms for my life and and written episodes about them happens all the time i mean that's what lucky louis was he wanted writers that had kids because we all would just write stories about stuff that had happened in our lives but that said said, I think she had a lying problem. Listen, sorry, guys, I lied,

but I was being held hostage by a cell of Al-Qaeda in Glendale. Okay, I'm sorry again. That's not true either. If I don't tell three lies a day, this madman's going to blow up a bus that's driving around Los Angeles that cannot go less than 50 miles an hour. Does that one sound familiar? Okay, I'm sorry.

I just feel bad for the brother who's in Florida, and she's saying he committed suicide. It's like, can you at least, say I die, but maybe I saved a kid from a burning building, or my dick was so big that I lost blood to my brain. I do want the missing limb. I am interested. How do you lie about that?

Yeah. Maybe she sawed it off. But that's like that comedian. I'm not going to say his name because I really like him. But he lied about being in the towers of 9-11. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And it's like, I mean, look, we all lie.

Everybody lies. Not everybody. I guess there's some people. Maybe there's some people that don't lie at all. But we all tell little white lies and then you get caught in it. And it's the most embarrassing thing in the world when you get caught. And it's the only reason you don't lie is because it's embarrassing when you get caught. But this is so high profile. Yeah. Well, she was an asset to the show, so there's that. I think she's going to work again. You think so? If she gets over this debilitating disease, I think she'll go right back to work. Why not? All right, it's time. Oh, yeah. Good news for gubbins

so i was on this text chain and i saw it unravel but i don't know what happened well i mean it's insane dennis gubbins is uh he's not afraid not afraid of a bong in the morning and uh so he starts this text chain for three days he's texting about does anyone want to go see this movie something about like the night of terror or something yeah and uh and i was like all right you know why not it's the middle of the day weekday fuck it let's go to a movie so he says all right two o'clock great two o'clock which i i go why don't we go marina del rey no no no let's go on jefferson okay we'll go to the one on jefferson yeah he had strong opinions about the whole day and then and then we he asked me which time i picked the time and now it's like a two

o'clock movie i'm driving there and i call him just to see where we're going to meet up in front of the theater. And he's like at home about to leave to go to Penmar to have lunch. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Between him and Mikey Fitzgibbon. Mikey Fitzgibbon booked the wrong day on a tee time. I'm at the golf course. There's no tee time.

The next day we go for a hike. I get to the hill and he's not there. I call him the golf course. There's no tea time. The next day we go for a hike. I get to the hill and he's not there. I call him. Oh, sorry, man. What the fuck? These are social contracts. You make a time and you show up. Oh, my God. That's perfect.

That is perfect. No, I made it clear I couldn't go to that movie but I watched you guys keep talking about it. He rejected your proposal to go to Marina Del Rey. He picked the exact time, and then all of a sudden, I see an apology from him. It was such a half-assed apology.

Oh, boy. Yeah. All right. Well, that's how he rolls let's get to entertainment oh yeah you want to read this one yeah sure thanks celine dion my favorite has canceled upcoming shows for her european tour after revealing on th Thursday that she's been diagnosed with stiff person syndrome, SPS. The rare, I don't think it's that rare, the rare incurable neurological condition can cause extreme muscle rigidity and painful spasms that can ultimately restrict mobility.

My cock had that when I was younger. Now it has Bell's palsy. Okay. By the way, does Celine really have to get a formal diagnosis that she's stiff? Yeah. And I wonder, I'm not even joking, has she suffered this in some way her whole life? Because she is the most rigid appearing performer. Right. You know?

Yeah, she's totally stiff. She is like, she's an automatron. You know, she belongs in Vegas doing one of these residencies where you just show up every night and you just mail it in. And then you get frozen into some cryo chamber for the night. And then they thaw you out to do the show again the next night.

By the way, stiff person syndrome, that's how my body feels when I hear a Celine Dion song. I go stiff. I just can't believe that this sound is coming out and that people actually pay and want to listen to it. SPS, I'm thinking, is going to be a new storyline in Grey's Anatomy when they hire that writer back. She is going to rigidly walk in that room, apologize to everybody. She'd say I would normally kowtow, but I cannot bend at the hips. So I'm just going to sit at the head of the table and tell you all about my SPS.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to stand at the head of the table. I really, with this condition, I can't sit. Oh, man. All right, Netflix has released the series Harry and Meghan. The first three episodes of the bombshell show are now streaming, I guess. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex discuss Megxit, racism and their new life in series rocking Royal Family. I guess that's what it's called. In episode one, Prince Harry and Meghan filmed themselves on the day they quit as frontline royals in March 2020.

In episode two, Duke of Sussex compares himself. Sorry, compares his wife. Sorry. In episode two, Duke of Sussex compares his wife to his mother, Diana, and says she was being hunted by media. Diana and says she was being hunted by media in episode three. Harry and Megan have branded their engagement in 2017. And they called it an orchestrated reality show. All right. All right. Well, we know how this ends. I mean, just get to the sex tape.

She's got a she's got a the Duchess of Sussex. She's got a crown. The Duchess of Sussex. She's got a crown on, and she blows Harry while paparazzi circle them in a circle jerk. I'm in. We've seen the good. She's been a, what was it, a suitcase girl on whatever that game show was? Deal or no deal.

Yeah, exactly. Well, listen, they filmed themselves the day they quit. That's perfect. They knew they would show this brave act one day and cash in on it. And episode two was president or patron of over 100 charities and was truly hands-on with seven of them that helped fight AIDS, poverty, and the disabled. And in 1998 alone, her fund gave $21.3 million to charities. So even after her death, she was helping millions of the less fortunate. And you, you, my love, you were on the show Suits. And you, you, my love, you were on the show Suits. Then we got married in May 2018. Seven months later, you were so put off by the family, you told me you didn't want to live anymore.

And by the end of 2019, we quit the family and moved to Hollywood and told anyone who would listen and pay us millions of dollars about your incredible struggle. Yes. Just like my mom would have done. Wow. A stinging indictment by Mike Gibbons. Not a fan of Meghan Markle. I am not a fan.

Let me tell you something. My kids used to watch that show Suits. I think she had stiff body syndrome. She was fucking horrible. She was fucking horrible. She was so dead. There was nothing. Well, it's even more dead now.

Oh, my God. I didn't realize that Diana had done all that. That's amazing. A hundred charities. Listen, there's a lot of criticisms that can be hurled her way as well. But also she really did try to put a human face. She was dealing with a lot of criticisms that can be hurled her way as well. But also she she really did try to put a human face. She was dealing with the same, you know, a lot of the same stuff. Obviously, there's race in this, but it's an insane family.

It's an insane situation. And you already had that template. You know that. That's why it's so different, you know, for her. Like she knew it going in. And to be surprised by racism is is insanity with the royal family. You know that guy. That's why it's so different for her. She knew it going in. And to be surprised by racism is insanity with the royal family. Speaking of racism, the Backstreet Boys Christmas special filmed this month. Racism.

It will no longer air on ABC. The news comes amid allegations that singer Nick Carter raped a 17-year-old girl during the band's 2001 tour. Uh-oh. Something tells me there was more than one rape on those tours. The set was set to air on December 14th, featuring Seth Rogen, Meghan Trainor, Rob Riggle, Nikki Glaser, Ron Funches, and Atsuko Akatsuka. Who's that? I don't know. It sounded very impressive, though. Ron Funches is getting on shit lately.

All of a sudden, you're seeing Ron Funches on everything. Yeah. On Thursday, a 39-year-old woman, Shannon Shea-Ruth, filed a sexual battery lawsuit accusing the singer of raping her and infecting her with HPV when she was 17. She alleged the assault took place on February 2001 following a Backstreet Boys concert in Tacoma. What? Oh, no. Whoa, Nick.

Oh, boy. I want it that way. Tell me why. Well, listen, you never want to blame the victim, but did she expect a decent boy? He's from the back streets. He's from the back streets. Track six of their debut album. It was called Boys Will Be Boys.

I mean, you were warned. This is a tough kid. From the back streets. That's the thing. They were from the back streets of Orlando. They auditioned for this gig in Orlando, and they picked the sweetest boys. All these boy bands are fucked up.

Like New Kid. There was something with New Kids on the Block. First of all, Donnie Wahlberg, I think was in that, right? He was in New Kids? I think he was on New Kids, yeah. There was some dirt on him. You know what I heard, and I'm sure

someone can write in about this, I think they're Kentucky, not Nashvilleville but kings of leon were a religious band oh i didn't know that yeah i think there's two brothers in the band maybe three but i think two and they were religious and um and i think i know i'm not going to say it but I think I know the name of the manager who saw this potential and steered them towards the music that they're doing now. And their fame took off, which is your sex is on fire, very far away from their religious roots. And it was not their idea. It was not their natural music. And it wasn't their inclination to go that way. Now,

maybe I'm wrong, but someone can write in and maybe validate me or tear my argument apart. I love Kings of Leon. They're fucking awesome. Oh, Oklahoma. Father was a preacher. They did revivals. Oh, all right. Chris just wrote that. Yeah. But I do believe that there was a very orchestrated marketing pivot with that band. But, dude, Backstreet Boys are the biggest boy band in history. Bigger than Minuto, bigger than all of them. This sounds like a Greg Fitzsimmons fact. I look forward to the corrections next week.

No, they were huge. Huge. The Beatles. And they actually stuck together all these years I mean I'm sure they took some breaks but they were still they're still doing shit I mean boys to men I mean legitimately good singers and all that I mean that's a giant one right and wait what about where was Timberlake and kids on the Block? NSYNC. You don't think NSYNC was bigger? Nope.

Nope. I'm telling you, Backstreet Boys was huge. They had an album that had all the songs became hit singles on one of the albums. They were huge. All right. I'm going to hold. I'm going to hold off. But also, Minuto.

Minuto was fantastic. They would just replace menudo was like an idea that got filled by different boys did you see that uh documentary on menudo yeah no i'd love to oh there's a great documentary on menudo about that whole thing and how they just use these boys up and spit them out oh please tell me it was the mormon church then it's the most blockbuster documentary of all time um sad note uh on january 1st caroline's comedy club on broadway will close down i can't believe decades owner caroline hirsch who's a dear friend of mine told the post i did not renew my lease new year's

eve will be our last she said although business rebounded strongly since the pandemic their lease uh was due and was reset at the end of the year my landlord felt they can get a lot more for the space i love how restrained she is she's not saying this guy's a fucking douchebag. What an asshole. She's like very respectfully pointing it out. By the way, good luck replacing that venue. Who the fuck is going to want a basement in Times Square? What are you going to do with it besides a comedy club? It's a staircase straight down to under the street from the sidewalk. Right. With homeless, crazy people hanging around out front. Is the strip club still there? That can't be there still, is it?

Yep, it's still there, right next door. What's the name of it? Runway 69? No, is it really? I think so. No, Flash Dancers, isn't that? Oh, is it Flash Dancers? Is it a few blocks away? There's some.

They're used to it. I have no idea. It's on the corner of 49th and Broadway. But anyway, I have such amazing memories of Caroline's. Basically, they moved around a lot. They started out in Soho as a cabaret in like 1980. Wow. And then it moved to the South Street Seaport

when the Seaport was nothing. It was like a nothing neighborhood. And she set up there. And then they started doing Caroline's Comedy Hour, which they did for like six seasons. And then she divorced her husband. And the only thing she wanted in the divorce was the comedy club.

He had a lot of money. And she took the comedy club. He had a lot of money and she took the comedy club and she fucking ran it. She moved it up to Broadway and and then she started producing. She produces a lot of the the events for the New York Comedy Festival. Nice. But I mean, I remember it in the seaport when my book came out. I wanted my book signing there. So I did I did a big show with a tell and Kevin Meaney and and my mom and my family was there and we did my book signing. It was like one of the first clubs to headline me in the country and had sex with a waitress in the bathroom once. Whoa. Yep. That I didn't Yeah that she didn't mention that

Caroline in the Closing announcement I read The post one the New York Times one might have Mentioned it Maybe fingers crossed She's just you know Publicizing this because it was very neutral You know what I mean and it was

Just kind of matter of fact maybe she's using that as a leverage like this is how serious i am like that's all i can pay right right well maybe it'll i don't know it sounds pretty official i did the first time i did letterman i i promoted caroline's in my plug and um I just texted a tell, cause you know, for 20 years, he does the new year's Eve show at Caroline's. And, uh, so I just texted him.

He's like, yep, I'll be there. I'll be there for him from the 28th to the 31st. If anybody wants to go see the end of Caroline's, get your tickets. Now. I wish I could be there.

What a way to close it out with a tell on new year's. I know. That sounds great. So, finally finished season one of White Lotus. Did you see it? So, the finale came out last Sunday? Of season two. I just watched season one.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm a bad listener. I have not finished season two. I did finish season one. What did you think? ways to turn the story to explore characters. And at the same time, you still had all the sexiness of the premise running through it. I thought it was a fantastic series. How in love did you fall with the general, the man general manager and his drug habit? I couldn't take my eyes off him anytime he was on camera.

Yep. He he was so good. And I believe he won the Emmy. I believe all of them won the Emmy for season one. Oh, I didn't know that. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, I didn't even guess right up till the end. I mean, I guess it's a spoiler for people, but, but the show begins by showing, uh, just

like season two, the very first image, really the first scene is you were aware that someone has died. Yes. And, and, and it's very useful because I would have given up on season two, season two has gotten, this is what I'll say about season two. I just watched episode five. I'm not going to talk about story. I just watched episode five and the whole thing's being shot in Sicily and they go to, I think Palermo and there's scenes in an opera house that it's like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And then there's this apartment also that is unbelievably, uh, ornate and also beautiful. Like it's just you know all along it's been beautiful scenes of sicily but it really hit a next level in episode five so i'm

gonna finish it this weekend i was as you know complaining a lot about season two but whatever i'm gonna finish it it is definitely like you know, Italian beauty porn. Yeah. So that's going on for sure. But what about the beauty of Sidney Sweeney and Alexandra Daddario? They're both so sexy. Yeah. Those are the bratty kids, right? No, no.

One's the bratty kid. The other one is the woman who just got married, the newlywed. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, she wasn't shy about her gifts, her maternal gifts. Yeah. Yeah. But I thought Sidney Sweeney did some good acting.

I thought she was really good. I don't even know. That's her? Sidney Sweeney is the daughter that has the black friend with her. Oh, well, yeah. And she got super famous for the Zendaya show. Yeah. Euphoria? Utopia.

Euphoria. Yeah. Yeah. So, but, yeah. It definitely makes room for... Season one had quirkier people. And I love the dad. the scenes in the swimming pool with him and his son. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, uh, then we'll stop talking about it, but you

know, that Mike White said, uh, HBO called him and it was, uh, the pandemic, uh, it was still going on. And they're like, you know, we've had an interruption in our pipeline of content. You're a fast writer. Do you have anything? And he said, I do. I have this. And so what you're seeing, because it felt weird and like, and also I didn't really get the tone.

I remember it took a while to find the kind of tone. He's like, what you're really watching is a first draft. So that's kind of exciting sometimes too. Well, it's a lesson to the networks leave the writers alone let them do their vision and you might actually get something that's interesting and unique

oh and just before we move on what about the woman with the fake lips oh my god yeah are you kidding me she won the Emmy also if you haven't seen her Emmy speech for season one she immediately interrupts herself. And it's just she's so flabbergasted. And she goes, you know, earlier today I took a lavender bath and it's just bloated me.

I'm swole up and my dress is so tight. And then and then they try to play her off and she dances instead. It's it's worth seeing. It's on. That's awesome. What's her name? Oh, yeah. From Best in Show and everything. You're not going to get names out of me today. She's so good. By the way, we were kicking back with the kids the other night, and they were like, all right, show us a movie we should see. And I thought it would be fun, since we live in Venice,

to watch The Doors movie. And you know what? It fucking holds up. Really? It's really good. Val Kilmer as jim morrison is dead on and he actually sings all the songs himself oh wow uh meg meg ryan is charming as shit and uh and it's you know it was it was very sexual it's a little weird some of the scenes

were a little sexual with uh jennifer coolidge is the woman's name yes so uh i highly recommend go back and watch the doors movie um you know i i don't have much memory of it and uh what's his name directed it right uh oliver stone yeah yeah he's listen it's worth even if you don't agree with him like on jfk's listen it's worth even if you don't agree with him like on JFK or something it's still worth seeing like everything he's done and he's one of the writers

of it also which is interesting but what I mean it was interesting because it really was what a band is supposed to be

it was a bunch of like fucking deadbeat poet musicians that met on the beach and just started jamming. It was so organic, and they rose pretty fast from when they first started. Oh, I didn't know that. I mean, he just had so much charisma.

It was crazy. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's get to Florida. Okay. Make America Florida. All right. This was sent in. What a gift from Elizabeth Brown.

She's a friend of the show. Here we go. A man was arrested after having sex with a golden doodle. Okay. It happens. This alone, I don't think would make it a Florida man, you know, Florida man worthy. But I actually didn't read the whole sentence

and I'm not kidding. All of this is totally true. So the whole sentence, a man was, not the whole sentence, here we go. I'm going to continue. A man was arrested after having sex with a golden doodle in front of kids. Oh, that's not cute. That's not cute. It is warmer. It is getting closer to a bonafide Florida man story. But again,

I did not finish the sentence. Quote, a man was arrested after having sex with a golden doodle in front of kids before wrecking a church's Christmas nativity scene. Yes. Yes. Now, this is full on Florida man. But guess what? I can sweeten the Florida pot even more because believe it or not, it's not the last detail. Here we go. Quote, a man was arrested after having sex with a golden doodle in front of kids this is like the 12 days of christmas was having sex with the golden doodle in front of kids before wrecking the church's christmas nativity scene and then And then trying to steal a car. Oh. Fuck the Goat and Doodle.

Front of the kids. Wrecked nativity scene. Stole a car. Crash the car into a cop. Yeah. This is definitely year-end Florida Man Award nominee. Yes, I think so. The only thing missing is some methamphetamines and an alligator.

Listen, maybe the investigation's not over. We don't know. We don't know what he has at home. That is huge. This guy, I mean, he was driven. There's certain guys that are fuck-ups, but to keep on going with it, there definitely was meth involved he did sort of uh start big it was hard hard to follow yeah some of the crimes up top were quite serious so uh yeah it was a soft landing with the stolen car i think although

if you're gonna have sex with a dog golden doodle is at the top of the list. Yeah. Cause there, you know, there might not be as much allergens, you know, right. Right.

They're hypoallergenic to some extent, I think. All right. This next Florida man story was sent in from Toby Lester. Authorities say an off duty Florida deputy quote, jokingly pointed his gun at a fellow deputy thinking the weapon was unloaded and shot and killed him. Oh, my God. Brevard County Sheriff's Office Deputy Austin Walsh was at his Palm Bay home with his roommate, Andrew Lawson, who's also a deputy. It was early Saturday morning when Walsh suffered a single gunshot wound.

The pair had been playing online games and were taking a break and talking when Lawson allegedly pointed his firearm at Walsh and shot him in what Ivy called an extremely dumb and totally avoidable accident yeah yeah yeah i think so the police looked into it but when they saw that walsh was white they uh they went ahead with the investigation this it is perfectly florida why would you ever point a gun at someone else? Especially a police officer. Like they're the ones that are teaching. Oh my. You remember when the cop came to the school and he was teaching gun safety to some kids and he shot, he shot his gun across the fucking classroom. No, there was also a guy that he shot part of his foot, I think. Oh, right. That's right. That's

right. Alec Baldwin, however, is blaming shot part of his foot, I think. Oh, right. That's right. That's right. Alec Baldwin, however, is blaming the production of his movie for this gunshot also. Well, I guess they're cops. That's their, you know, they trade in gunplay. That's it. It's like when comics are hanging out backstage and we shit on each other. You know, sometimes people get hurt, but it's what we do. You know who's not going to shoot each other? Robot cops. Right. They's not going to shoot each other? Robot cops.

Right. They will not, Greg. Yep. All right. I love the sports update. Let's do it. All right. I'm getting fucking killed.

As you know, we do a bet every year. I take the Buccaneers in every game of the season with points, which is always the Bucs giving points. And 50 bucks a game, I am down $250. I love it. My theory is holding water. Last week, the Bucs, a crazy comeback. In the last three minutes, they get two touchdowns,

but they didn't cover the spread. They won by like one point, and I think the spread was like three points. Yep, I think three, three and a half, something like that, yeah. Oh, God. This week, you're getting three and a half points, I think. Yes, but we're playing the 49ers in San Francisco. They're a good team. And so my gut says I should up the bet so I can try to break even.

I'm down 250, and I'm thinking maybe I should bet 100 this week instead of 50. Would you be down for that? I'll take your $100, sir. And we'll post the spread at game time because I guess there's a lot of 50. Would you be down for that? I'll take your $100, sir. And we'll post the spread at game time, because I guess there's a lot of, I don't know what's, but Chris, our producer, was talking that it's a new, a very new quarterback, right? Yeah, the quarterback got injured last week, and there's a guy who's brand new. He's not taking a lot of snaps in the nfl but he played last week and might have won i think chris said anyway uh so let's let's see where the spread

well you know our agreement anyway is this it's the spread at kickoff so let's yes hundred dollars let's do it okay wnba star britney griner is free Thursday after the Biden administration negotiated her release from a Russian penal colony. Penal colony. There's no men in there. In exchange for an arms dealer. Biden signed off on the trade, which took place in the United Arab Emirates, even though it meant leaving behind Paul Whalen, an American corporate security executive who remains jailed in Russia. She's safe on a plane on her way home. Brittany Griner's wife, Sherelle Griner,

was in the Oval Office with Biden when the two were able to speak by phone. Wife! Jesus Christ, when the Russians realized she was gay, they locked her up all over again. And this story will officially mark the last time the WNBA is in the news. Yeah, right. Yeah, she wants to go from being in the public eye back into the quiet obscurity of being the biggest star in the WNBA.

How about that other guy who's still in jail there? What an insult. Yeah. How does Biden defend that? Well, it's such a layup for the for conservatives to say, how do you bring home this woman who like took a knee during the national anthem and actually committed a crime by having pot over there? Yeah. And meanwhile, we got this patriotic american he was a marine and uh i mean it's they're going to town on this story terrible trade i mean an

arms dealer what then he had something like the merchant of death or something that was his nickname yeah he's a prolific arms dealer right right not a good trade it's never really a great trade when the wnba is involved uh an argument between two men over a golf game led one golfer to bite the nose off the other one in the parking lot of a casino mark wells of biloxi fled the scene in a tesla before turning himself. The nose was not found. The investigation determined that the suspect bit the nose off the victim. Officers were told that Wells and the victim had been arguing throughout the day over a golf game they played at the resort's course. Wells was charged with felony mayhem.

There's a word you don't hear a lot. Mayhem. That's what word you don't hear a lot. Mayhem. That's what biting a nose off is. It's mayhem. A legal term, felony mayhem. Oh, boy. This sounds like it should be in the good news for gubbins section because it's a matter of time.

Yeah, he's bending clubs around trees and stuff. That's the gateway that's the gateway mayhem that will lead to nose biting maybe it's good that they can't find that it's like habeas corpus like uh unless he's on camera maybe his tesla filmed the crime right that would be a backfire well either way iiting a guy's nose off. What? Yeah. I smell a lawsuit coming out of this.

The victim doesn't, but I sure do. I think he must have just bit the end of the nose off, I imagine. That's disgusting. Looks like someone's got a new handicap. Looks like someone's got a new handicap. What is the whole, what is the whole, that phrase, bite your nose to spite your face? Bite your nose or cut your nose, cut your nose off to spite your face? I never got that phrase.

What does it mean? It means you're hurting yourself. Like, don't hurt yourself i think i'm gonna look it up you start talking about this fucking grant wall death man what the fuck all right this is crazy and this is a breaking story because we recorded this on saturday the 10th of december and uh it just came out that Grant Wall a highly regarded soccer journalist who wrote extensively on the game died Friday in Qatar where he

was covering the World Cup and I think he died right on the field I thought he was in custody maybe US media seated near him said Wall fell back in his seat in the stadium reserved for journalists during extra time. They called for assistance. Emergency workers responded, and they were told he died.

Earlier in the tournament, Wall attracted attention for attending the game between Wales and the United States wearing a rainbow T-shirt in support of LGBTQ rights. Homosexuality is criminalized in Qatar, and some fans wearing rainbows on their clothing or carrying rainbow flags have been questioned by stadium security guards. His brother's gay, by the way. They don't like that over there either. His brother's gay, by the way. Hmm. They don't like that over there either.

Wall wrote that security guards at the stadium detained him for 25 minutes, telling him his shirt was political and that he needed to take it off. Wall refused, and eventually a security supervisor apologized and let him into the stadium. I think he also had just written a piece where he detailed the death of a foreign worker that had built a stadium. So there's incentive. There's motive. There's a lot of motive and a very weird death. This sounds terrible, this story.

I'm sure it's going to be huge news this coming week. Yeah. It's so crazy. All right. Back to cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's funny. So the first thing under a Google, if you say that you, uh, you're doing something that they think will hurt someone without realizing or caring that it will hurt themselves as well. But then I read, cutting off one's nose to spite one's face is an expression used to describe a needlessly self-destructive overreaction to a problem. But most are saying it's that you're doing something that is meant to harm someone else, but that also harms the person who does it. But you're trying to spite your own face.

That's what's confusing about that. How is cutting your own nose off hurting somebody else? Yeah, they're saying to cause problems for yourself by trying to punish someone else. And I always thought it was cut your nose off despite your face. But it's to spite your face yeah yeah very strange wonder what the history is about yeah it's about revenge that causes more harm to you than your target anyway weird expression not worth using all right let's go to International. Do it.

A hospital patient has been arrested after she allegedly twice switched off the oxygen equipment on which a fellow patient depended because it was too noisy. The public prosecutor's office in the German city of Mannheim obtained a warrant for the 72-year-old woman's arrest. She turned off the main switch of the oxygen equipment around 8 p.m. on Tuesday, quote, after feeling disturbed by the noise emanating from it. Although the suspect was informed by hospital staff that the oxygen supply was a vital measure, she allegedly turned off the device again at around 9 p.m. The 79-year-old woman had to be resuscitated and is still receiving intensive emergency care. You'd think Germany would have quieter medical equipment, you know? This woman was using it like a snooze button.

Like, it's on again. I got to turn that off there's it there's that sound trying to wake me up again the noise from the oxygen machine went away but she had to contend with the gagging and screams for help which is louder i think i think to a german i think uh i think the just the hissing the hissing is a little louder than the screams for help. Yeah. Well, it was kind of a unique thing. Normally, when you kill someone in Germany, historically, you're turning on the gas.

So it's surprising they caught her at all turning it off. She was making amends. Yes. All right. Good one. Let's go to, do we want this? Yeah yeah let's do this one science all right blinded you want me to read it a secret report by nasa suggests that missions to mars could be all female speaking at a conference good luck They're going to get lost four times

and they're not going to know how to park there. Okay. Speaking at a conference, British astronaut Helen Sharman claimed that NASA has filed a report that warns that male and female astronauts could get frisky during the one and a half year journey to the red planet.

The report claims that all female crews would be the best option as women work better as a team and are less likely than men to fight over who is the leader. I really doubt that. Anyway, she suggested that there had been an official NASA study looking at the, quote, impure thoughts astronauts may experience during a mission to Mars. The journey to Mars is expected to take 1.5 years, during which time astronauts will be exposed to high amounts of radiation. If two astronauts were to get frisky and the female fell pregnant, fell pregnant.

Fell pregnant. That's weird. It is unclear what the effect on the baby would be. A radiation baby. i smell a marvel franchise yeah i'm sure but by the way has nasa ever watched uh the real housewives yeah women get along all the time and what other data do you have i don't know So many successful moon missions where everyone knew who the boss was on the trip. Right, right. Yeah.

And first of all, impure thoughts in space. Have you seen the outfits they wear? The only thing less sexy is a hazmat suit. That is true. And where do you fuck in a capsule, a space capsule? Listen. The wet spot would be floating around the cabin. That is true.

I wonder if it's harder to get pregnant in zero gravity. Yeah. There's no, like, you know, whatever it is, putting your feet above your head like women who are desperate to get pregnant, you know, people trying to have a baby. Trying to fall pregnant. You can't use gravity yeah um here you go listen you can send men and women easy solution just have all the women be trans women oh and also they can have as many impure thoughts as they want and they can do it right that's it done trans women and now what criticism

could they come back with like no we're talking about women it's like so am i yeah my head spins when i just try to think about that all trans women because i always wonder like are trans women gay it's not people yell at you well they're not always well no it's gender identity not sexual preference yeah so that's independent right but i think like prison a year and a half into this trip you'll be like all right what do you got right let's figure something out here we need relief yeah all. Let's go to this day in history. All right now. In 2008, billionaire con man Bernard Madoff was arrested. Oh, arrested in New York City, a long-running Ponzi scheme involved $65 billion, the biggest investment fraud in Wall Street history. He was born in Queens in 1938, started a small trading firm,

and then he worked as a lifeguard. He started with money he earned as a lifeguard. Two decades later, he revolutionized the way stocks were traded, had grown into one of the largest independent trading operations in the securities industry, and he and his family lived a life of luxury, owning multiple homes, boats, and expensive artwork and jewelry. Oh, yeah. So anyway, his clients were sent account statements

showing consistently high and fraudulent returns. Potential new customers clamored for Madoff to invest their money. However, in 2008, with the U.S. economy in crisis, Madoff's financial swindle began to fall apart as his clients took out money faster than he could bring in fresh cash. On December 10th, he revealed to his brother and his two sons, who worked for the legitimate arm of the firm, that his investment advisory business was a fraud and nearly bankrupt. His sons turned in their father to federal authorities, put him on $10 million bail. Um, the victims included everyone from his wealthy country club acquaintances, Hollywood celebrities, banks, hedge funds, universities, charities. The New York Mets.

The charitable foundation of Holocaust survivor and Nobel Prize winner Elie Wiesel lost more than $15 million. Oh. Oh. That's crazy. Well, we won't name names, but a friend of ours was involved. His grandfather had had a bunch of money with the Madoffs. And here's the I think. Let me see if I can remember this correctly. This is adding insult to injury. It's not only that they lost all this money, but if you ever along the run had taken some out, which was your money. In other words, let's say you gave 100 grand. Right. And or more. And, you know, at one point you take a payment of 20 grand or whatever. I mean, that's not even the profit in theory. I mean, that's still the base. So you not only lost all your money, you have to pay the lawsuit back the money,

any money you've taken, which was you had a right to, and you spent it already and everything, and you have to find that money and pay it back because the creditor, you know, a list forms and there's an order. And I don't know if they're using first in first out.

I don't know how they're doing it, but you other creditors might be ahead of you and you have to pay so that this, uh, no shit. Yeah. So there was no getting out. Even if you got out,

you're not out. Oh, if you got out,'re not out oh if you got out you were absolutely still in wow yeah our friend uh who lived a very uh carefree bachelor life because his i think his money came from his grandparents and he had some kind of trust fund set up and this guy was just living the life never had a job our whole adult lives and then what i heard was uh at one point it's i don't know why he told us this but he's like it's a guaranteed 17 and i'm like there's no such thing on planet earth and he's like no it is and so another friend of ours took him up on it. Another friend would make a lot of money every summer, took him up on it, put it in with the understanding he's just going to put

it in for, I think, a year, get 17%. And that's what he did and got it and checked out. I have no idea about his involvement with this lawsuit or if it was ever called back. It was not a lot of money, though, but it was to a 20-year-old. Damn. Yep. All right, let's do some letters to the editor. Oh, yeah. Okay.

A couple saw. Huh? Oh, it's a news story. A couple saw packages discarded on the side of the road. They delivered the parcels themselves. USA Today. I guess FedEx had dumped some packages. Looks like Gibbons' brother left Amazon for FedEx and got caught dumping his load. Two different FedEx drivers busted.

One dumped seven packages on the side of the road in Ohio, another 400 in a landfill. Made me laugh to read this since I also would love a job moving Red Balls back and forth with my ADHD and can imagine getting very overwhelmed as a package delivery driver. Yep. What if he stole them? I wonder how much more serious the charges would be.

As opposed to dumping them? Yeah. Interesting point. I know. Dumping them seems so much better than stealing them. It's not good, don't get me wrong, but it's not illegal, illegal is it it's against company policy you could maybe it's illegal because it's you're you're messing with the mail yeah i wonder if they're under the same federal statutes as the post office since they're a private company yeah yeah um doug dogs h is this guy's name Here's a joke from that show. Oh, he's talking about the Catskills on Broadway show

with the great Freddie Roman was in. Here's a joke from that show. It was either Dick Capri or Malzi Lawrence. I came home, I come home every night and my wife's made meatloaf for dinner. I tell her, you make meatloaf one more time, you won't see me for a week. She made meatloaf and she didn't see me for a week. I remember that joke from the show. And I can't remember if it was Dick Capri or Malzi.

I mean, those guys, the shit they got away with was crazy. There used to be so many jokes. It was ridiculous on beating women. It's so absurd. Oh, my God. Remember the joke? Remember there was a joke, what do all beaten or battered wives have in common? They don't listen.

Yeah. Like, imagine doing that joke seriously. But think about this joke. He didn't just smack her. He beat her so hard that her eyes swolled shut. That's barbaric. For seven days. For seven days.

Because of meatloaf. Oh, God. All right, let's get to the Help Wanted section. I love this new section. Looking for a Santa at Snowy Pines Christmas Trees. Compensation $17 an hour plus tips. Oh, I think JoJo's going to head down there. We are looking to fill this position from 4

to 9 p.m. on Friday and 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. on Saturday and Sunday. We're a laid-back and friendly Christmas tree lot, hoping to find our Santa for the December season. In addition to your hourly rate, you will be allowed to keep tips. Your roles will include greeting customers who enter

our lot, as well as taking pictures with families and hand out the occasional candy cane. Please respond via email or text with interest. We'll get back to you. Caleb, text number 562-607-5693. And did you mention this is in Long Beach, California? It's in Long Beach. If you're in that area.

That is a, well, now it's going to be raining. I don't want to shit on it. I don't want to discourage people from applying. But boy, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m., that's a long day in a Santa. But you can make it fun. Show up with a big red umbrella. Yep. People still got to buy trees.

I wonder if they do background checks on these guys because they are in direct contact with little kids. There's a lot of laps involved in this job. I don't think you should have brought that up. I don't know. Independent Santa contractor, right? Yeah. There's always a lot of jobs at Christmas. I remember that coming on from college.

I'd always find some kind of weird job. Oh, yeah. I wrapped presents one year at a store in town. Yeah, I did. remember that coming on from college i'd always find some kind of weird job oh yeah presence one year at a store in town yeah i did f.a.o schwartz that time and then yeah there's a lot of seasonal we'll remember um and what's his name holidays on ice wasn't it um his book uh where he played the elf at macy's oh david sedaris yeah. Yeah, David Sedaris' book, Holidays on Ice, I think it's called. No, it's called Santa Land Diaries. Oh, why do I have Holidays on Ice?

Maybe there was a collection down the road. Anyway, yes, that was great. Yeah. All right, let's get to the obituaries. Oh, sad one. You want to read this one? Oh, sad one. You want to read this one? Oh, all right. Kirstie Alley, the Emmy-winning star of Cheers,

Veronica's Closet, and Look Who's Talking, died. She was 71. Alley had a previously undiagnosed battle with cancer. Sorry. Alley had a previously undisclosed battle with cancer, though she had a number of notable roles in the 80s including part in star trek 2 the wrath of khan and a 13 episode stint in masquerade ali was perhaps best known for her breakout role on cheers as rebecca howe from 1987 to 1993 ali was also well

known for playing the leading role in veronica's closet from friends creator david crane and mara kaufman all right what else here oh she was in the reality show fat actress um she also appeared in the hills king of queens so many other sitcom roles she started many films look who's talking with john travolta and all of its sequels uh runaway. She did a lot. Oh, it is in there. Deconstructing Harry. Well, listen, I'll say this. First of all, it's impossible to find this movie because Woody Allen has been canceled. But you also can't find Zellig,

which is an amazing Woody Allen film, and it's not streaming anywhere. But Deconstructing Harry, she like steals the show. Steals the the show and it's a powerhouse cast she she does one thing all comedians and comedy writers as i've seen the like is we all know and everyone knows who like the great screamers are you know and there have been amazing stand-up screamers and actors she screams in this movie out of rage it's one of the funniest performances in any woody allen movie it's it's unbelievable yeah she was so great in it i just

want to give a shout out to her for that movie which hardly anyone has seen i guess she died and maybe would would have survived if she hadn't been under the influence of dianetics and you know they they're against medical treatment. I'm just saying that off the top of my head. I don't know if that's true, but I did read that in one article, that people were blaming Dianetics for not providing her with the right care. Oh, geez. Speaking of Veronica's Closet, did I ever tell you about my audition for Veronica's Closet?

I think this is one of my favorite stories ever. All right, so I get a call from my agent, he goes all right there's this new sitcom it's a pilot and uh the the character is kirstie alley's assistant now the character is gay but they don't want you to play it gay and i go i don't know what that means and he goes well this is the days when I used to used to when I'd get an audition this is before faxes and the internet I used to have to drive to Beverly Hills park walk into my agency they'd hand me the scripts and then I would drive home again and learn the lines and so I'm trying to figure out how to play it. And I go, you know what? I'm just going to fucking play it as myself. And, you know, we'll see what happens.

So I go in. I read for the producers. I kind of feel I felt good about the read. And the producer goes, okay, that was great. Let's try it again. A little less gay. Imagine how confused you are at that moment i needed to take a time out you couldn't even figure out how to do it like like they asked and you're like you know what i'm just gonna be me here it goes yeah yeah and then so then i see the show once it gets on the air. Typical Hollywood. The guy is floating out of his shoes. He's so gay. Oh, my God. Over the top.

Oh, totally. I remember that guy in that role. He was one of the writers. I'm never going to remember his name. He was one of the writers from Larry Sanders. He played a writer. Oh, that's right. That's right. On camera. Yeah. Larry Sanders. And it was very different like that. He really turned it on for that role because he was such a believable, disgruntled, slovenly writer on Larry Sanders. Yeah. He was like Bob Odenkirk's friend on Larry Sanders. They were always in it together. All right. Let's cheer up a little bit with the Sunday funny. um all right let's cheer up a little bit with the sunday funny yeah i'll also say about wait kirstie alley just one note that was cheers was the biggest show on television and then you had a very uh well-known departure and everyone thought the show couldn't survive and same with woody harrelson came in to replace coach and it that happened i think after that was earlier on but then um who was the actress that left mike shelly long all right good left and then kirstie alley those were jike it was sam and diane man that show and there were huge shoes to fill and she did it and did it so well and the show had a second life after that yep so anyway the funnies were not funny this week i'm not gonna lie to you some

weeks i go in and i just i can't find much but the the the lockhors one was kind of cute it's uh i just love the drawing, which you have to, hopefully you're watching this show on YouTube. Leroy is at a party and he's got a drink in his hand. His leg is kicked in the air. He's got a lampshade on his head and his tongue is hanging out. And he's dancing with this beautiful, voluptuous woman. And Loretta goes, Leroy's available if you ever need a birthday clown.

He is kicking it up. It's just so funny because he goes from being this fucking low tub of lard that just sits around in an armchair watching TV. But as soon as this guy gets to a party, he's fucking fun. Dave, David Dravenak sent in one of my favorite far sides of all time. So here's the far side is spaceship has landed. You saw a staircase has come out of the spaceship. You see all the aliens at the top of the stairs, but one alien has fallen down the stairs and fallen on his head and he's on the bottom on the ground

and then there are people around all these humans are watching and the quote is wonderful just wonderful so much for instilling them with a sense of awe although that's what that's what sorry that's what the alien is saying up top right right right um i wait. Oh, I know the one I'm going to use next week. It's another one kind of like that. But David also used to do cartoons himself, and he sent us a bunch. And I grabbed this one. I kind of liked it.

It's a waiter in a restaurant, and you see a blue-faced patron who's holding his neck, and he's clearly got his steak that he's eating caught in his throat. But the waiter is very impatient, pointing to a sign that says non-choking. So it's like a non-smoking table at the time. And so anyway, thanks, David, for sending this in. All right, let's get to Blondie, where Dagwood.

Why do I not have a nickname for Dagwood yet? I think you usually call him Fuckface. Fuckface is sitting in the blue chair. Dipshit. You do have a lot of nicknames for him. I mean, he's just... She's faced away from him, which is their standard position in a TV room. And she goes, I know what you're thinking. And he goes, what am I thinking?

She goes, you're thinking about the nice selection of cold cuts we picked up from the Dell this morning. You're also thinking about the fresh loaf of sourdough bread we picked up from the bakery. And he goes, that wasn't at all what I was thinking about. And then he goes, but now that's all I can think about. And she goes, I'm pretty sure there's some chips and salsa you can grab while you're at it.

First of all, if I'm sitting next to Blondie, you want to guess my thoughts? Guess my thoughts, Blondie. Yeah, I think we're going to hear them no matter what. Try to picture what's going through my head. Maybe it's the smooth cheeks of your ass just in the shower with droplets of water coming down your rosy, plump thighs and across your bowling pin calves on your sexy little

feet with the red toenail polish. That's what I'm thinking about. I'm thinking about throwing a move cause it's Saturday afternoon. The kids aren't home. We got nothing going on and I got the hottest piece of ass on the East coast. But now he's thinking about fucking deli meat. He wasn't even thinking of anything, I don't think. And then she planted the thoughts.

There was nothing in his head at all. Just a complete blank. Just a zero. How do you even write a cartoon strip where one of the characters has no personality? She drives everything. Jesus. I'm just, I'm just sad. She's sitting with her body away from you. Can't even see her on this one. I know. What a tease. What a tease. All right. Listen, Mike, it's Sunday.

Yeah. It's Saturday, but it's going to be Sunday. We hope you guys are having a nice weekend. We hope you're enjoying some World Cup soccer and some football. Yeah, thank you for listening. Thanks for listening. Thanks to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Key and Beth and John for doing a great job producing the show, getting it out to you guys. Even though last week our video clip didn't go up for some reason. But we're going to find out what's going on over there. Well, I sent a corrupt file apparently

but uh did that's what i was told i don't know it like who knows i mean yeah it was obviously corrupted when it got there but uh i i resent it and hopefully it worked oh it did work chris listened to it yeah all right yeah um all right have fun in n in Nashville Thank you so much Yeah, we're going out Seeing a little music tonight So that'll be fun And then go San Francisco Go Niners

Go Bucks That's what I'm promoting Let's do it 100 bucks Whatever the spread is Right now I think it's 3.5 Given to the Bucks, I think I'm not feeling5. Given to the Bucs, I think. I'm not feeling good about it, but I feel like I can't be down 250.

It's too much. Oh, imagine when you're down 350. Oh. Holy moly. Jesus. Oh, my God. All righty. I think this is where we say take it-ish.

Take it-ish. All right. Sunday is funny. Monday is crummy. Wednesday is shitty. Thursday, it's all the same. Friday, it's fun. Saturday, it's funner.

Sunday, it's funny. I can't remember. Sunday, it's funny I can't remember Sunday Papers Podcast with your host Greg and Mike Someone let him know When you're gonna write Thursday I'm all alone

It's Sunday Papers It's Sunday Papers Saturday here we come It's Sunday Papers And Sunday's always fun