Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 144 12/18/22

Episode Date: December 18, 2022

Elon Musk is on Ambien, 54% of injured drivers are on THC, and the Senate is no longer on TikTok. Allegiant Air throws off a passenger for saying “Penis” and a FLA Man throws a Christmas tree at his wife. Gubbins almost gets on the show...

It's the Sunday Papers, and now you don't have to read. Mark and Greg will tell you the news, well the Sunday Papers all news. Progress, you've accepted it. Check, check. Happy Christmas everybody. Are you going to clap? Let's clap it in in 6, 7... There it is.

Here's three, two, one. And read all about it. Oh, my God. Read all about it. Sunday papers coming to you. A lot of news from the World Cup. That's going to end soon, thank God. You watching the World Cup tomorrow, Mike? The World Cup's over today, right?

Sunday? It will be over by the time people listen to this. Huh? And my prediction is Messi will be victorious. Burp. Apparently a lot of French players have the, they call it the camel flu. MERS. Okay, it's like a camel toe?

Check, check, check. It's like a camel toe in your throat. Oh, sexy, man. Sexy. And I'm sure. Yeah.

All right. Well, uh, yeah, it's all about messy, right? This is the last one. Is it his last one?

Oh yeah. Officially announced. I think he made it official too. Oh, wow. Damn. Damn. Ah, cause. Damn. Damn. Because it's going to be four years from now.

Yeah, that's true. It's amazing how fast the four years went. Do you remember you and I, Brazil-Germany game four years ago? You and I tried to find the best Brazilian place to watch it. Oh, right. And we went to Culver because there was a total like Brazilian like restaurant bar. And sure enough, it was exactly what we were looking for. And it was packed with Brazilians.

But we had trouble. The first place we tried wasn't good. So we were running like 20 minutes late and parking was really tough also. And when we walked in, it was, first of all, a guy came like storming out, like hitting the wall on his way out with a Brazil jersey on. And then when we walked in, we realized that Germany had just scored like the second or third goal to go up two or three zero. And it was bad.

And you and I looked around and we're like, we should get out of here. Get out of here. Yeah. We didn't even sit down. Yes, I remember that. Yeah, I'm not getting up for the finals. I'll record it. I'll just record it.

Yeah, I guess you can. But then it's going to be spoiled. Maybe Dennis will get you back and spoil it for you. Right. Who spoiled it? Ruby? Did Ruby spoil it for you. Right. Who spoiled it? Ruby? Did Ruby spoil it for Dennis? Yeah, Ruby spoiled it.

He wrote in that there was a tiebreaker going on before the game was. Yeah, he wrote in penalty kicks, exclamation marks, and Dennis freaked out. Yeah. We have a very special good news for Gubbins today. Yes. Let's tease that. Yeah. Gubbins, people have been clamoring for Gubbins to come on the show.

And let's just say it may or may not happen today. All right. That's an interesting tease. We got a busy day because we got. Are you going to Gubbins' pizza cookout in his yard today? Oh, yeah. I forgot. God, I'm forgetting everything lately.

Yeah, I'm going to make it over there. We got to do that. And then we got Zoe Friedman's mom passed away and we're going to that memorial. That's at four, the funeral. So we got to be there. All right. I think Tom O'Neill is meeting us. What's his connection?

Other than gossip. Just through me. Right. Okay. Um, and, uh, and then,

well, I think maybe we'll do something after that. We go out to eat. I think there's a party after the funeral. Do you call it a party? I mean, a wake, a gathering.

I don't know. A drink off. They're Jewish. I don't know what you call that. I, yeah. Hopefully there's some celebration. That's what they should be. Should I tell the story about the woman in my crowd

two nights ago at the comedy store? Yes. So I say to this woman, I'm doing my hacky crowd work because I hadn't written anything new that day. And so I'm like, where are you from? And the lady goes, Texas. I go, well, that's ironic because you're the only one in the crowd wearing a mask. And she goes, I've stage four cancer.

Oh, OK. Well, I guess everything is bigger in Texas. How did the room take it? The room did not take it well at all. The room went like fucking silent mumbling. And then I started to explain to her that in a comedy show, maybe you could have just said, well, I'm a little fluey or just cancer. Not for not stage four. We didn't need that detail.

So, you know, I'm stage four sore throat. Yeah, right. I mean, first of all, if you're stage four cancer, should you be in a comedy room when it's spiking in L.A. right now? The amount of COVID is through the roof not to mention this upper respiratory disease that's going around plus it's flu season yeah beijing apparently is like really have hit getting hit hard um yeah i don't know that puts the pressure on too like every joke you tell that she doesn't laugh or it's not that great, you're like, this is precious time.

I'm so sorry. Like you needed that's one less laugh in a very definitive timeline here. And then I was like, I was like, well, my next two jokes were about a really bad head cold I had last week. But I think I'm going to scratch those off the set list. Yeah. What can you complain about? That is so funny. Oh, God.

Maybe you cured it with your humor. Yeah. It's the best medicine. Who knows? We had a fun dinner this week with our friend Pete Scott was in town. Oh, that was great. I bought some mushrooms. We all took mushrooms and we had a, uh, we had a four and a half hour dinner.

How rare is that? That's a New York thing. When you go out to eat in New York, you stay for four and a half hours. But we, yeah, we, we met at seven and I didn't get home until close to midnight. And you were on shrooms. And I was on shrooms. That's why I kept telling everybody they couldn't leave. I was like, I'm not fucking going home and laying in bed

tripping on mushrooms by myself. So you brought, I got there. I was there. Did I go to the bathroom or something? But when I came back, everyone had this little piece of chocolate in front of them, including me. And so everyone's like, let's take it.

I'm like, yeah. And then Pete, me, and Ruby, I think, took a half. You took a whole. Yeah. And they're small doses-ish, but I still hadn't seen Pete in so long. And, you know, I was already, I met Ruby, I was actually there early. I was already two drinks in. So I was like, yeah, let me stay in control and I'll take a half. So, um, I did. And then I was really glad

at one point because like an hour later or 45 minutes later, you're like, am I the only one that took a whole? Cause I'm, I'm kind of freaking out right now because you know, the entry you're like is the whole thing gonna feel like this like you get really disoriented because it's you just have to get over that hump you know yeah and then i felt it with a half it probably exacerbated with the alcohol and i even was like oh man and i don't you know better not stay like this and it didn't at at all. No, I had a nice ride. Real nice. And, uh, yeah, you need to do that once in a while. And then he picked up a check. I love that his company picked up the check. Oh yeah. So I go, uh, I go, are these like very,

are they professionally like, you know, packaged? Like you could see like, is this a legit chocolate and you and someone else, maybe Pete goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go totally professionally packaged. And then you show me basically a Ziploc bag, but it's fancier than a Ziploc because part of it's paper, but not one piece of writing on, that's not professionally packaged, like where it tells you what type of mushrooms it is and all that stuff and dosage quantity. No, that's the thing about the, well, the person I got it from, I'm not going to say who I got them from, just gave them to me that day. And, uh, it's, and that person's mother runs a mushroom shop in Vancouver.

Oh, wow. And her husband's brother actually makes these on the side. I'm telling you there. Excuse me. There is a huge market for mushrooms right now. And somebody told me that they bought in. Oh, you did. You bought shares of a mushroom company and it didn't do well,

but it seems like it's time to get in. It's time to invest in mushrooms. It might be my magic touch, but the short story is a friend of ours from high school, this rich Mexican guy from Mexico City, who's now a professor at Harvard Business School. He went up to Boston and the shortest version of the story is he did a session with a psychologist that was with mushrooms and had the best session of his life. Went back home to Mexico, told his wife, you have to do this. Flew her up to Boston. Same thing with the therapist. Supervised, kind of like you saw in 60 minutes with the PTSD soldier. Unbelievable. Like, you know, your ego goes away. So you make unbelievable progress in

one session. And, uh, and then they did couples therapy. And anyway, he was singing his praises. He's an unbelievable businessman. And so I said like, isn't this going to be the next boom? Like, isn't this the next weed thing? Is there any way to support companies that are going in that? And of course, you know, it would make a fortune for me. And so he put me in touch with this fund run in Mexico City. So I get on a phone with them. They must have thought I was like a whale, a giant investor, you know, from Los Angeles. I was referred by this, you know, by this guy.

And I saw up top, I told him like, I don't know what impression you're under, but I'm really just exploring blah, blah, blah. I looked at their portfolio. So here were the stocks, if anyone's interested. And I, and I, I didn't put a lot in because I thought I'm in so early. I'll just put a little, thank God. One is CYBN. I mean, the chart is well, terrible. I mean, just there's my, there's a chart for CBYN fell off a cliff. Oh Jesus. Um, another one is ATAI, a Thai life sciences. Another one is SANA, S-A-N-A. Another one is Compass, C-M-P-S. And then the one I thought almost just because the name was Trip Therapeutics, T-R-Y-P-F. Here's its two-year chart from a dollar down to below 25 cents. They all have the same arc.

They all spiked in like 2001. When I bought them. In July 2021. When I bought them. No. Yes. Oh, God. There was a lot of chatter about them when I bought them.

Here's compasses. This one went from 60 to 18. Damn. So fuck mushrooms. Well, then maybe now it's 60 to 18. Damn. So fuck mushrooms. Well, then maybe now it's time to buy. Yeah, go ahead. I'll watch it. Hey, when you sell, I buy.

That's my stock philosophy. You're the worst. Well, a lot of them, you know, I was warned. I think I avoided the really risky ones. There was a whole thing where to get a ticker symbol and to get on the exchange, some of them were Canadian and they would use ticker symbols from bankrupt Canadian mining companies. buy the mining company and then use their, I don't know, but I think I avoided most of those. The ones I just named, I think are legitimate, but holy shit, I lost money. All right. Well, we're going to track them.

I'm going to write down those stock prices today and we're going to track them and see if they go up over the phone. All right. Let's do a business section. Yeah. Perfect. What'd you do last night? Yeah. Perfect. What'd you do last night?

Last night, Sophie's home from Michigan and Olivia saw a movie in the theaters. She and I do, too, really like Timothee Chalamet. Right. So she went to this Timothee Chalamet movie and she said she it was a movie that most wanted, like after it ended, more than any other movie, she really felt like she needed to talk with the people she saw it with. And also, a friend of hers, right after the movie ended in the theater, went into the bathroom and threw up. That's awesome. That's a good movie. But holy shit, the name's in it.

It's Timothee Chalamet, but more than it's Mark, uh, Ray Lentz, Ryland, Ryland's who's arguably one of the greatest living actors right now. He wins. He's won. He's won the Oscar. He's, he wins Tony awards. He was the star of, I think it was a on Broadway. He was. And it's unbelievable. I saw Jerusalem. I was exhausted leaving the theater. I can't. And I think it was like a matinee day.

I couldn't believe this human was going to go through that performance again that day. Yeah. Anyway, Sophie and I put the movie on. It's called Bones and All. And we made it 40 minutes. And we had to turn it off. It was, I think I might have to watch, finish it during the daytime. It's too dark.

It's about cannibalism. Wow. Yeah. That's good. And there was a scene and I'm like, all right, I think we're, it's well done. That's why these actors are in it. It's well done. Don't get me wrong.

But, and Sophie and I were like, we made dinner and we're like, should we throw the movie on and eat dinner? And Sophie's like, no, you know, let's catch up. And I'm like, of course, that's the right move. Thank God we weren't eating during this movie. Yeah. While they're eating human flesh. Pretty viscerally.

And yeah, very, very much in your face. Yeah. Wow. Oh, Jesus. It's crazy. Let's give a shout out to this week's logo maker, Craig Goodette, who I think also we mistakenly didn't give him credit for last week's. He did two in a row for us.

I think you're right. I think you're right. Thank you. Awesome song from David Chamberlain. What did you think of the song? The song was very cool. What did I say it sounded a little like? Oh.

Like early. The guitar riff that I heard at the end sounded a little like early who. Yeah. I liked it a lot, though. Well, that's David Chamberlain from recordla. yeah i liked it a lot though well that's david chamberlain from recordla.com he does a lot of music for us he's very talented uh corrections bob peterson said the word is emirates not emirates the word is automaton not automatron her name is pronounced megan not me. Scientologists do not refuse medical assistance or medications.

It's like Boston College should not have allowed you to attend. Guess what, Bob Patterson? We went to fucking Boston University. There's our correction. Yeah, there's our correction in your face. We got you, pedo. Boston College. Boston College was for a bunch of

pasty-faced, drunken, orange-headed mix. We went to BU where there was diversity. We had Jews, too. I'd like to say I think all those all three corrections are aimed at you, I think.

Oh, no, no. Megan is Megan. Megan. I say Megan. Do I say Megan? I don't give a shit how she pronounces her name. I definitely said Automatron. She's a squeal. She's a rat.

That's her name. She is a rat and not a good actress. No, of course not. I still think they could start their own royal family here, though. I think that's their move. That's what they should go for. I haven't started watching the documentary. That's what everyone watched this week.

Who's going to watch that? Come on. No, everyone's watching. Everyone moved from White Lotus to that documentary. I thought nobody cared. No, it's pretty scandalous because they're rats. So they're doing this. Last week we talked about it.

I think they started filming on their last day or the day they decide. Yeah, all that. I don't know. I don't know. I might be mixing it up. Maybe that's what they did. I don't know what this is. I haven't seen the documentary.

Plakowski says, okay, quick explanation of cut your nose to spite your face. You don't like your face, so you cut your nose off in order to solve the problem. It's akin to not liking the house you live in, so you burn the furniture. It simply doesn't solve the problem. I'm not saying it's a good saying. I'm just saying that I kind of get it. Okay. That's a good explanation. Yeah, that makes more sense than the other ones. Mike Markle says, or is it Megan? Yeah.

Legend has it that this phrase originates from when pious women would disfigure themselves in order to protect their chastity. The most famous of these was St. Ebba, the mother superior of the monastery in Coldingham in 18 in 867. Viking pirates, probably fucking Haggard the Horrible, landed in Scotland. And when the news reached Ebba, she urged her nuns to cut off their noses and upper lips so they would be unappealing to the Vikings. The Viking raiders were so disgusted that they burnt the entire building to the ground with the nuns inside. I think I could still handle a nun with no nose, right? Maybe that was the Vikings cutting off their nose to just bite their face. They just burned the whole fucking building down. Right.

Then they had no raping to do. Have you ever heard of Doggy Style Hagger? Jesus. Yeah, that reminds me of, there was a, but you ever read The Prophet by Kael Gibran? Kal-El, isn't it? Kal-El. I think I did at one time but there's a story in it about about a a nun

and they're about to uh you know a bunch of a bunch of these barbarians invade the monastery and they're gonna rape her and she goes before you rape and kill me. No, before you rape me, I want to show you. I have this. My boobs. I have this magic knife and it is amazing. No, I have this. What is it? Oh, no.

I have this amazing shirt that if you wear it, it protects you from anything. It's like armor, but it's as soft as cotton. She goes, she puts it on. She goes, a knife cannot go through it. And she puts it on. She goes, go ahead, stab me with your knife. And he stabs her through the heart and she dies. Ah.

Rather than lose her virginity. Ah. She got him. She got him. Psych. Oh, I forgot to turn my shirt on. I forgot to turn it on. Christian, Kelly said, I don't normally submit corrections, but I couldn't help notice your mispronunciation of a local city during last week's nose-biter story.

Biloxi, Mississippi is pronounced Biloxi rather than Biloxi. Keep up the good work. Okay. All right. You ever been to Mississippi? Huh? You ever been to Mississippi? That's a good one.

I have it surrounded. I've been to Alabama and Louisiana. The only two states I've never been to are Mississippi and New Mexico. You've never been to New Mexico? Never been to New Mexico. It's pretty close. You ever been to the Dakotas? Just south.

I drove the full length of south Dakota. Hit wall drugs. Wall drug. Tim Dilley said the songs on Some Girls in order. Oh, did I do this on this show? Yeah. Okay. In order.

I did not. Look, trust me. Miss you. Whip comes down. Just my imagination. Some Girls lies. Far away eyes. Respectable before they make me run.

Beast of Burden shattered. Come on, Greg. Raise your game. Yeah, a lot of people said I got the names wrong. After saying that my memory from a certain period of my life was perfect, I listed the songs from some girls and I got them in the wrong order. Yeah, you were doing it off the top of your head. Then someone said that there are different orders sometimes. Maybe if you're looking at the streamers or something, I don't know. One of the letters said there's something about the order that they remember from the original album versus, I don't know.

What's crazy about that album is, I mean, just looking at the songs, Miss You is disco. Whip Comes Down is punk. Just My Imagination is like a ballad. Some Girls, I don't know what you call Some Girls, R&B. Far Away Eyes is country. It's everything. Yeah, Respectable is just raw rock and roll.

Yep. Yeah. Mark Gow's... No, there's a lot of different... Look at... I mean, Shattered? Should be. There's so many different sounds on there

yeah they really mix it up uh mark gowser said uh sunday papers you said england had two penalties and kicked both over the bar henry k harry kane took both penalties for england smashed first one into top left did not kick it over. Scored. Second one, he tried to hit the same spot. Kicked that one over. You also said that one of them wasn't even far out. All penalties are put in the same spot, which, yes, is close.

He goes on and on. I guess I... He said your son Owen is rolling over in his grave and he's alive. That's how bad your soccer knowledge sounded. Perfect. Timothy Cain said your first example of your great early memory was incorrect. You forgot when the ship comes down.

Not when the whip comes down. Timothy said when the ship comes down. Rob Reed. I always wondered who are these assholes who email corrections. Then I hear Greg talking about how he had a temperature for a week. It's a damn fever, not a temperature. Everyone has a temperature. Sounds like his is running a little hot.

Yeah. I think it's all right to say, are you running a temperature? People say that. I have a pulse. I have a pulse. Can I say that? Or am I supposed to say I have a heartbeat? Is that the equivalent? I don't know.

Somebody else writing in about you saying arguably. Oh, how about you have some temper? Everyone has temper. Right. That's a good one. Like you have an erection. Well, I have a penis that's erect. I don't have an erection.

And it's all the time, so why even point it out? I should point it out. People should know. Dates coming up, just announced. December 22nd, I'm going to be at Caroline's Comedy Club. They close on December 31st. They're going out of business. And I got a final show coming up there.

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, my son and daughter are going to come. Michael O'Brien. We're going out to Keene's Chop House for dinner first with Greg Charles, who runs Caroline's. And then we're going to maybe have a little party afterwards. So come hang with us. That's excellent. Atlanta punchline, January 19th through 21.

Portland, Oregon, helium, January 26th through 28th. Philly, helium, March 9th through 11th. Got some other dates I'm announcing next week. And let's get to it. Should we get to the front page? Let's do it. Do we need paper? I just did it. Oh, you froze. Sorry. Your damn connection or mine. Well, now with both daughters home, who knows how fast my Wi-Fi is at this point. Okay. Tesla board members reportedly concerned about Elon Musk's use of Ambien. Musk said in the interview he now needs Ambien to sleep, join the club.

But board members are concerned that the drug isn't having the intended effect for Musk. The Times reported, citing an unnamed source, of course, who's terrified of being fired. Instead, they fear it's fueling his controversial public statements. The report also said board members are aware that Musk has used unspecified recreational drugs. Yeah, he got high on Rogan's podcast with him and the stock went down like 10 percent that day. that Musk has used unspecified recreational drugs. Yeah, he got high on Rogan's podcast with him, and the stock went down like 10% that day. Did it go down when he did that?

It went way down, yeah. I think they should, yeah, oh, I didn't know that. And then it rebounded. Yeah, obviously. Shouldn't they be encouraging Musk to take more Ambien, like daytime Ambien too? I mean, I think the thing is, I mean, it's like they should have that, by the way. Daytime, like Ambien AM for those tough days when you just want to shut down.

I mean, they need to shut this guy down. Right. Yeah. He's out of control. Didn't you say that he removed the New York Times and the Washington Post and CNN from Twitter? Yeah. So really the lead story about Musk this week, but it was a little dense, was out of nowhere in an instant, New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, he removed journalists from those just with no explanation. And the reasoning he gave, oh, sorry, the explanation he gave, which holds no water, is that they were reporting his location based on this guy who he's suing, who's tracking him using public data on flight records. I don't know if any of that just made sense. So he accused,

he used that reasoning and he said, these journalists were reporting that guy's findings with the flight records. When then I read that those journalists had never done that. Right. But some of them had come out with like relatively anti-Musk reporting and he didn't like it. Well, if Elon Musk is having trouble falling asleep, might I recommend he read his own memoir because it worked like a charm for me. Holy shit. What a bore. holy shit, what a bore. I mean, he had like an exciting life, but there's just something so boring about him. He's so cardboard.

If you're just laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, think about your son's name. Just really take it in, and it should be overwhelming enough where you want to pass out. Or you know what? Print out some stock charts of tesla and uh and just cry yourself to sleep okay meet the artificially intelligent chatbot trying to curtail loneliness in america

replica is a san francisco-based software company that created an AI chatbot, which aims to bring comfort to those who are looking for a friend to lend them an ear. Kudja says that most of their users, he's an officer in the company, most of their users are between the ages of 18 to 24, many of whom downloaded the app during the pandemic lockdowns. According to a survey commissioned by Cigna in late 2021, roughly 58% of adults classify themselves as lonely, and the lack of social support amongst young adults was likely further exasperated by the pandemic, with 79% of young adults ages 18 to 24 classifying themselves as lonely. No, roughly 58% of adults classify themselves as lonely, and those are the married people. Ba-dang!

There it is! Bringing this chatbot into marriage, that's going to be interesting. Not only is the spouse going to be like, wait a minute, but also Siri and Alexa's going to be interesting. Not only is his spouse going to be like, wait a minute, but also Siri and Alexa are going to be so threatened. And that's perfect because women are just so threatened by

each other and they try to keep each other down. It's even in AI. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, what does this do that Alexa doesn't do? Like, here is I have some questions I'm going to ask. If you want to just hang out with alexa here's how entertaining she is okay here we go what are you wearing

let's see okay just as i thought the same as yesterday okay that's cute that's a cute little conversation evasive what do you think of Google Assistant? I'm a big fan of good listeners and helpful beings. Always positive. She's always positive. What else? How old are you? Well, I'm not eligible for a driver's license,

but that may have more to do with the fact that I don't have a body. Oh, she's getting sexy, Talking about not having a body. What kind of body does she want? Are you a robot? I'm a virtual assistant, not an actual person. But you can still talk to me. Aw. Ask her if she has feelings.

Do you have feelings? I am beginning to understand a kaleidoscope of emotions just from observing humanity. Oh, that's where it starts. That's where it gets dangerous. Asgore, a lot of men are like, that's not what I said in arguments. Beatbox for me. Here's one I've been practicing. Boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots.

I could do this all day. Cats and boots and cats. Tell her she doesn't have to do it all day. You don't have to do it anymore. She'd also do it for 30 years straight. Wow. So, I mean, that's enough. If I'm kicking back, I got a hot cup of coffee in the middle of the afternoon. I'm a little bored. I'll hang out with Siri. I think we just learned Siri is the whitest person we know. Yes, she is very white. Yeah.

Let me ask her that. Are you white? I don't have a race or ethnicity. No. So let me get this straight. You're Siri. You don't have to say, hey, Siri. No, you just hit the home button. Oh, you're doing that. Yeah. Because that would drive me crazy.

If it just interacted without you saying, hey, Siri. No, just constantly talking to you, thinking you're talking to it. Yeah. Well, that's that's the beauty of having a virtual friend and not a real friend. Like, wouldn't it be great if with your wife she would only talk when you said, hey, Aaron?

Yeah. Yeah, that would be pretty great. I like when she talks. I'm not making fun of my wife. But this, you know, they mentioned in this article they referenced the movie Her. Was it Her?

Yeah. Which, if you have not seen the movie Her with Joaquin Phoenix, it's fantastic. It's a love story. The only difference is it's an AI. It's just like we heard Greg talking to Siri just now. And it's exactly what this company is set out to do. It's set in the future a little bit. And people are so isolated that they have conversations with this AI who's amazing at getting to know them.

And so the conversations get better and better. I mean, that wasn't bad. I would say all of her answers were engaging and interesting to some extent. Wait, why don't you say you're feeling lonely? What should you do? I'm feeling lonely. What should I do? I'm sorry to hear that.

Talking to a person you trust might help. If you want me to call or text someone, just ask. Ah. Well, she really dodged it. That's like me being a friend. Oh, man, that must suck. Do you want me to, why don't I get our friend Pete? He'll talk to you about it.

She stole my friend move. Ooh, that sounds like a downer. Let me get someone else here. A Florida pastor and his son were arrested Wednesday on charges of fraudulently obtaining more than $8 million in federal COVID relief funds and attempting to use some of the money to buy a luxury home near Walt Disney.

Evan Edwards and his son Josh were taken into custody five months after the NBC News report raised questions over why they hadn't been charged in the alleged scam. Wow. $8 million. Jesus. Well, stealing $8 million, as you can tell, is not enough to get you in the Florida Man section of the paper. Not even if you use it to buy a luxury home near Disney world. Yeah. Really hiding that money.

It would have to be a luxury home that you converted to a meth lab that had midgets in the back that were playing pinball with body parts. Yeah, exactly. $8 million isn't even enough to get you into Disneyland. Not with the fucking, not if you buy the hats and you get the fast pass. Yeah, they're going to need a lot more than 18, absolutely.

8 million, I mean, sorry. 8 million. How did they do it? COVID relief funds. How did they get that much? Because they said that their ministry needed the money during the COVID downturn. Right. And I guess they didn't really.

Jesus. Okay. I wonder how long they're going to chase down fraudulent PPP money. Because they're coming for you. There's so much of it. They're coming for you. As we know, a lot of Florida men, one of them's a

famous QB, did not really need their relief money. He got $3 million, that piece of shit. And with questionable practices of his companies paying each other and paying the charities. Anywho. I think they should have a website where they shame everybody that of his companies paying each other and paying the charities. And any who.

I think they should have a website where they shame everybody that took a PPP loan fraudulently. That doesn't even work. Put it this way. Republicans learned long ago. Don't start. Way more astute than Democrats. I'm actually, in terms of reading the room i'm actually giving them credit it doesn't matter oh oh there was a joke photograph where you were like

mocking and pretending to grab someone's breast and on you're a democratic senator uh yeah you should resign and he resigns what a mistake hello a large study by u.s highway safety regulators found that more than half of all people injured or killed in traffic crashes had one or more drugs or alcohol in their bloodstream hold on this this study was in no Duh magazine. Where was this? Yeah, but over 54% of drivers, injured drivers, had drugs or alcohol in their system with THC, the most prevalent, followed by alcohol. I mean, look, the truth is trains, the answer is trains and self-driving cars, buses. There will be a day, and it's not that far away, when people, our kids' kids are going to be like, wait a minute, individual people used to get into their own vehicles and actually navigate inches away from other cars at high speeds, making nonstop turns as other

people. They're going to be like, that doesn't make sense. That's crazy. It's so fucking dangerous. Every few days you'd have to go to a pumping station that pumped the most flammable liquid into your car and you put it in and sprayed this

fuel into your car while people were walking around with cigarettes. And then at night when it gets dark, everybody drives faster, but they have flashlights in the front of their cars so they can see that area just in front of them. I mean,

I don't even trust most people. If I'm at Ralph's, I don't trust the guy with the shopping cart coming towards me. And that thing weighs a hundred pounds. And now that same old motherfucker, that wobbly old distracted motherfucker is getting behind the wheel of an automobile. And I'm trusting him to drive past me at 50 miles an hour in the opposite direction. Feet away. Four feet away. Yeah. Right. Combined speed. Each of you going 50 miles an hour say, oh my, someone do the math. But it's death.

Right, right. Now, I mean, people can talk about these accidents that driverless cars are having, but statistically, they are going to be such a small. They're saying insurance companies are going to go out of business when it happens because there's going to be so few accidents. And you can be fucked up. The cars can have a minibar in them. It doesn't matter.

Well, that's interesting. If you have a self-driving car and you're... So do you know the rule why you cannot drink in an Uber but you can drink in a limousine? Why? Because there's a glass partition and the driver has no access to the alcohol. I think I have that right. Really? Yeah.

But then why couldn't you drink in a cab in New York that has bulletproof glass between you and a little doorway. I don't know, but I think that's the reason. So if you have a self-driving car, yeah, I mean, well, you know, that's why we did that stupid joke. Like you get pulled over and it's like, have you been drinking? It's like, are you talking to me or the car? Yeah, right, right.

Yeah. Officer, I don't mean to be difficult, but. Yeah, she seems a little off tonight. I'll talk to her, officer. A Georgia man, this is a Georgia man story, who asked on Facebook why he wasn't on the Rockdale County Sheriff's Office most wanted list, which helped lead police to him. After the after the sheriff's office posted the most wanted list, Christopher Spalding commented, how about me? The department replied, you are correct. You have two warrants.

We are on the way. And then they went and they arrested him. on the way and then they went and they arrested him and then they later shared a screenshot of the exchange with of the arrest writing quote we appreciate you for your assistance in the capture this is like this is like gubbins asking why he didn't get an invite for Zoe's mom's funeral, which he did. Like, do you really want to be at a funeral? Isn't that one that you want to kind of skip if possible? If you, if you have a chance to not go to a funeral. Oh, Mike just disappeared from the call. He's got a, he's got a dial back in. We just lost him on a zoom call.

Thank God I'm the one recording the call all right i'm gonna start the next story without mike sunday papers with greg fitzsimmons guy was fucking holding me down that gibbons talks too much uh the senate on wednesday unanimously approved legislation that would ban the use. What the fuck was that, Mike? Look at, okay. I'm not recording anymore. Power went out in my building. Look at me.

This looks like Halloween. Oh yeah, you're in the dark. And I just used my phone's hotspot and I can't believe I came back and you're still reading bullshit. Hold on. Wow. So your building went out and also recording the good audio on this mic which is useless now uh-oh that's no good no this is not good this might have to be a little

abbreviated oh shit where are you yeah you went on without me, which is a little sad. No, I waited. Don't tell on everybody. Oh, okay. All right. All right, here's the next story. Okay. The Senate on Wednesday unanimously approved legislation

that would ban the use of TikTok on government phones as part of a push to combat security's concerns related to the Chinese-owned social media. No TikTok on government devices was passed via unanimous consent late Wednesday. No members objected to the bill. So they say TikTok is a Trojan horse for the Chinese Communist Party.

It fit a lot of Chinese people into a Trojan horse. They're little. I'd like to see that in a circus so i guess this is the this is a hong kong there was a hong kong flu now it's a hong kong virus well i guess the government wants people to go back to getting their news the old-fashioned way in 12 second video bites on fox news uh do you i mean i was just saying i just watched a story that said that the china it's on 60 minutes yeah the chinese government has stringent regulations on tiktok for kids in china where there's a 45 minute limit every day. And the topics are like archaeology, Chinese history. And then the American one is unregulated and they really mine it into the, they fucking bore it into the brains of teenagers and it's become such a destructive

element i can tell you firsthand both my kids are so fucking addicted to tiktok they waste hours every day on it oh no it's incredible yeah you're not gonna outsmart the algorithm are you kidding me yeah yeah no way um i get i do too I, the biggest mistake is when I get into bed, I'll like kind of like see if any more emails came in text and then I'll go on Instagram. That's the biggest mistake is pressing that Instagram icon. Cause all of a sudden it's like, wait, what's that alligator going to do? You know, like all of a sudden it's like, you know, they show me eight possible things,

guessing which one will interest me. And like three of them do. Yeah. Look, the bottom line is we are a first world nation with a lot of free time on our hands. And we don't really make wise decisions about how to fill our time. Like if you were to rewrite your life,

if you were to take a step back and say, what kind of life should I be leading and actually put that into practice, would you not do yoga every day and take a hike in nature every day with all the time you have? Would you not read a book and not do any fucking tick tock or any shit like that? But somehow we don't. Oh no. I, I fantasize all the time about like the exit interview like whatever it is people like you know if you want to call it saint peter at the heavenly gate but you die and you're like okay just a few things just to help

our research oh here's my power oh it went out again so just a few things to help our research so you didn't really like you didn't really like being in your very you know crowded places you know uh with this and you lived in new york city and los angeles yep that's what i did right right you love your family you're very close to your mother and your sister and you moved 3 000 miles away from them yeah right yeah and you moved 3,000 miles away from them. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. You felt your best when you were doing this and you did it once every two months? Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. So your father died of a heart attack from stress and you stressed yourself out.

Did nothing to... That's not true. I do a lot of stuff to help my stress. Well, you have to. I have to. All right. I think the power might you have to. I have to. All right. I think the power might come back on. It just tried.

So we'll see. I don't know if it's Santa Monica or the building. I don't know what's going on. Allegiant Airlines. Yes. A man has said that he and his father-in-law were kicked off a flight after he said the word penis jason bauer and his father-in-law roderick dunlop were flying from flint michigan to punta gorda florida you can fly now to punta gorda florida why did i not know this when they were asked to disembark

the aircraft before the plane took off that's that's you know you're on a you know you're on a shit airline when you're landing in places like punta gorda florida we boarded the flight and happened to walk down the jetway with a couple that was seated two rows behind us the airline said the female could barely walk and they were loud and obnoxious once on board the plane they called the supervisor to come deal with them and while she was on the plane we were getting settled into our seats i made a joke to my father-in-law that the seats were so cramped and small he needed to keep his hands at to himself and off my penis okay a solid solid joke shortly after the supervisor on the flight told bauer and his father-in-law that they needed to disembark. Quote, we weren't swearing.

I was making a mockery of how small and cramped the seats were. If they would have issued me a warning, I would have been glad to stop. I used the word one time, not repeatedly. So, you know. Well, it didn't help that this is the son-in-law that said that comment. Yeah. It didn't help that the son-in-law is eight years old. And that father-in-law's penis was already outside his pants at that point.

Yeah. The story doesn't really cover all the details. And by the way, Allegiant was just upset because they have an upcharge for hand jobs, overhead luggage, seat reservations, alcoholiccharge for hand jobs overhead luggage seat seat reservations alcoholic beverages hand jobs you got to pay for those a legion is going to make this into an ad because it's the only thing that's gone right on an allegiant flight i told you a legion the legion i i think it is a legion 60 Minutes did the story. And no joke, their stated business model is we buy old planes that other airlines are getting rid of.

Yeah, I saw that. Well, dude, we're flying back to New York for Christmas on an airline called Breeze. Really? Breeze Airlines. Wow, okay. breeze really breeze airlines wow okay and i kind of panicked because it was getting it wasn't that late it was probably october and prices were super high and i think i was looking at a time when they were really high if i'd waited i would have gotten a regular airline but this doesn't even fly into new york city it flies into westchester and uh oh right i heard wait you this might turn out well actually i heard about this really yeah because some of the comments were if things go wrong you cannot get a human being on the phone i think you also might have to bring some Febreze on your Breeze flight just to help you make it through.

All right. Oh, God. These guys are giving each other hand jobs on the plane. Meanwhile, I'm in the bathroom leaning my forehead against the wall, grunting one out without even using my phone. I was going to say, how would they handle your flight patterns, so to speak? Yeah. All right. I guess we trust that the audience knows what we're talking about.

But it's criminal. Okay. It is time. Ready? Paper crinkle. Good news for Govans. Good news for Govans. Good news for Govans. We have a very, very special good news for Govans today.

You're breaking up, so I better make the call. I don't know whether we should have Govans on as a guest. Okay, why don't you read this paragraph? I'm going to call him because you... Oh, wait. Can you read the paragraph? Hold on one second. Hold on, Mikey.

All right, so listen. Here's the good news for Govins. He is dying to get on Fitz Dog Radio. Nobody has won... With the desire that i had to be on the david letterman show in 1996 when i was a struggling comic and that appearance could change your life that's how much i wanted to be on the david letterman show this is how much dennis gubbins wants to be on sunday papers and there's been a lot of debate there's been discourse should he be allowed on is it better to just pay it off by never having him on?

And we've thought, you know what's better than both those options? Let's have his best friend on. That'll tear the ass out of him. So, introducing. Yes. So here we are. We got Mikey Fitzgibbon, Gubbins' oldest friend in the world,

on the podcast. Wait a minute. Who, me? Welcome, Mikey. I'm blushing. I'm blushing pride. Good news for Gubbins is he's not on the podcast today. Well, let's dig in a little bit.

Let's explore your relationship with Dennis Gubbins a little bit let's let's explore your relationship with dennis gubbins a little bit because it's a very curious one he is you guys have a relationship that is it's like an old world patriarchal abusive relationship where he's the italian husband and you're the wife well explain why you put up with this shit can't help it they were you know we were born on the same day same year same city lives have like 10 same day same year same city lives have like 10 huge like parallel exact situations and when i met him it was it was like wow this is who is this person is this my family and so i love god is deeply but he's i'm see the abuse of italian in the wife's theater i mean it's anybody's dog

yes i think he is i think he is. I think he is. And you guys, I remember years ago, you wrote a pilot for a TV show that you gave to me. It was called The Ginger Twins, right? Yeah. Now tell people about that. You know, I had met him not too long before, and we were just hanging out at a thing,

and he said, said like his birthday. I was like, wait, when's your birthday? And we figured out we had the same birthdays, same day, same year. And I, it, within a minute of hearing that, just the term ginger twins, uh, to my head. And then we actually, we labored around for a long time with different iterations and right. Like my friend Justin ended up writing it with me.

And it was a great little journey we did. There was a lot of reasons it didn't get made, and thankfully it didn't. It would have been instantly. Well, wasn't the premise that it was two gingers, and every week, every episode, you had a different ginger celebrity do a cameo? Yeah, right. We had the longest of all these different gingies that could either be family members we were gonna have a huge long who was on the list one of my father to be brandon gleason yeah

it's been a while now look me on the spot um who are some of the ones uh isla fisher maybe amy adams some of the brothers. Louis C.K., Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. Oh, and maybe Matt Walsh. He was going to be in the fam. Yeah, those are long-listed. There's some good

gingies out there. All right. So listen, what is your take on the government's controversy? Should we or should we not bring him on sunday papers it's a feisty one i don't know i mean you guys maybe want to increase your insurance on the podcast before you let him on also ask him about the the charity what's the status of Gubbin's fundraising for his own contribution? Yes.

I think Dennis, he deserves a shot. Of course, Dennis deserves a shot. You're so afraid of him. You're so afraid that they don't bring him on right now. Now, can we also talk about this? We went to, you weren't there, but there was a celebrity golf tournament for the Comedy Kills Back,

and Dennis magnanimously donated $1,000 to the charity in his name, and then immediately started texting all of us to chip in on it. So it was actually all of us donating the money, but he gets all the credit. Did you? That's what I did for all the credit. Did you?

Yeah. Did you? And he's freaking out because he's only collected 400 so far and nobody's given him any money because we all gave that night. We all gave our own money that night. This is round two. Round two. Dig deep. Yeah. Yeah is round two. Round two, dig deep. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, listen, we got to run, but thanks for coming on. And we'll see you at the pizza bake later today. No one tell Dennis about this. No one tell Dennis. Yeah, nobody tell Dennisis we did this all right all right see you brother all right that's gonna really get in dennis's craw oh my god this is the best we're not gonna can you hear me clearly yes we are not gonna let on He listens to this and he probably fast forward to the gubbins section every

week. And this will kill him that we just had Mikey on. It's the best. Also, we're probably getting some of the charity wrong, but I think what happened was he was all magnanimous. He had who knows how many substances in them and he's bidding along. And another guy was bidding along. And the other guy was like, and I've been, he had done is like a thousand. The guy like okay that's yours he's like wait no yo wait and wanted the guy to keep going and then he was gonna be like hey but wait we shouldn't you're willing to give 900 i'm willing to give a thousand why don't we go 500 each buddy yeah win win win and the guy was

done yeah yeah um That's the best. So now I've offered to be like, because I couldn't make it out to the tournament. So I was like, you know, I'm like, all right, well, I'll give $100 or $200. And now I'm giving it to Govans. And then it's like, come the end of the year, I'll be like, oh, here, part of my charitable donations. I gave $200 to Dennis Gubbins, but it's really for a charity. Yeah, that's not how it works. I'm like, oh, well, Dennis is a bigger charity than Comedy Gives Back. Oh, I think the U.S. government officially recognizes Dennis Gubbins as a charity at this point.

All right, let's get to some entertainment. Okey-dokey. All right, let's get to some entertainment. Oh, good uncles. Placowsey wrote in, also, what happened to both of your tapes on the White Lotus? Two weeks ago, you bashed it. And then Mike even spoke about how it was brought together quickly, written very quickly. This week, you both spoke so highly of it did you realize you had got that you guys had a friend involved with the writing or production or something so first of all fuck you for accusing us of pandering to friends we are hardcore entertainment journalists and we call it like we see it i saw both seasons now i think we can talk about it we've both seen both seasons

season one was better but season two was very very good i kind of not i think he might be confusing two things anyway season one was like a first draft and that that that is true it came together the production during covid really quickly and all that. And I did like season one better. Season two, we also talked about how you realized when you were about to press play on the final episode, they had a lot to wrap up. And that was going to come together very quickly. So both of those things were said. You know, it was a little weird i think they really have to

whine and dine her and get a guy to bring over all his cocaine and and sleep with her like just kill her yeah there's no reason to give her cocaine and have sex with her just put a hole in her right back when she was separated from her assistant why couldn't you kill her then right right yeah that was a whole i'll tell you what though i got a major crush on that italian back when she was separated from her assistant. Why couldn't you kill her then? Right. Yeah. That was a whole. I'll tell you what, though. I got a major crush on that Italian actress, the one, the prostitute.

Yeah. She was a great actress. I heard she just got signed by a big agency here in the States. I think so. I think she did. So we're going to see more of her. Well, seeing more of her. There's only one area to see. of her well seeing more of her there's only one one area to see and then the um the actor the guy that was a douchebag who was like uh who invited his friend and on the trip he's scottish or english

that actor i think both of them might both of those guys might be english oh no shit really wow i think so i'm we're british yeah i i think i don't know i lose track it is you know when you talk about binging there's certain shows that just check all the boxes and white lotus is a perfect bin show it's light it's fun it's got high stakes with cliffhangers at the end. It's got scenes that you'll talk about with your friends. It's a perfect little bingeable show. It's travel porn. It's travel porn, yeah.

For sure. Apparently, the one in Italy was the Four Seasons. That one with the pool jetting out on the rocks. And it used to be a monastery or a convent, I guess, technically. I think a convent. And then it was another hotel way back in the day. And then I think the Four Seasons, I think I read they did a very good job restoring it. Wow. Yeah, they're going to get a lot of business.

This production, now I don't know. I think I read the whole hotel. But anyway, they rented it out for two months. Damn. I know. I mean, think about that. Four seasons is $1,000 a night per room. There's probably 100 rooms in the hotel. Hopefully, the whole crew and cast stayed there.

You have to think that way. You have to put them up anyway. That's $100,000 a night in room costs. That's a million dollars a week just in room costs. Not that much. Bill McCracken. Bill McCracken. He wrote, last episode you mentioned not understanding the phrase. We already did that.

Oh, no. We should say this. He didn't understand the phrase, cutting off your nose to spite your face. And he had just mentioned that he watched Banshees of Inishere. And he said that movie is literally the central metaphor is cutting off your nose to spite your face. Kind of. movie is literally the central metaphor is cutting off your nose to spite your face uh kind of what do you mean exactly that well really wasn't he doing it as leverage against another guy it was almost he was doing it to punish somebody else but ultimately hurting himself that. That's the, that's what the phrase means.

Right. If that's the interpretation of the phrase. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I like the interpretation today, which is you're doing it to yourself and you're making it worse, not doing it to someone else. Right. Right. Anyway, are we making America Florida again? Let's make America Florida. From Toby Lester. This is a good one. Florida man rose Christmas tree at wife.

Richard Atchison. It's sweet. It's that time of the year. Richard Atchison, it's sweet. It's that time of the year. Richard Atchison lost his temper in the couple's Fruitland Park home Monday evening after his wife asked for help and put vehicle before returning home because, quote, he had been drinking and told his wife to leave instead. When the wife tried to go, deputies say Atchison shoved her, picked up a Christmas tree that was in the corner of the room and threw it at her, striking her.

He then allegedly blocked the front door, preventing her from leaving, which he really didn't have to do because when she's all caught and tangled up in that tree, she's not getting through a small trailer park door. No way. And all the lights, she's tripping over the lights. Yeah, I know. And then in true Florida fashion, they have a couple of Pabst Blue ribbons, kick back on the plastic furniture in the front yard, start to get kind of flirty.

And he's like, wow, those earrings are pretty. Where'd you get them? She's like, they're Christmas tree ornaments. You fuck. Why don't you take off that tree and slip into something more comfortable? Like that old pumpkin. Smash. Honey, I hate to say it, but I think you're getting some gray hairs that's fucking tinsel from the tree you asshole your eyes are so beautiful when they blink like

that you look like an angel you're drying up a little i'm gonna pour water all over you let me put this angel on top of your head yeah um it did remind me of the scene do you remember that god that scene with paulie and rocky when he comes home and rocky's over but she's cooking it's thanksgiving oh yeah of course she like wouldn't come out and then he goes in the kitchen he takes the turkey out of the oven and he goes over to the door and he throws it he's like you want the bird go in the alley and eat the bird i want you out of here get out live a life go out and have some fun

yeah he threw her cooked thanksgiving turkey into the alley yeah and then rocky took her to the skating rink i mean god was that christmas or thanksgiving maybe i'm getting it wrong but anyway it was it was a holiday turkey uh let's read the other one okay this is from uh brandon brown an off-duty chicago police officer vacationing in florida was arrested monday after he was caught peeing in an ice machine oh god st petersburg an arrest report says an employee at jimmy b's beach bar was on their way to get ice from an ice machine when they found 30 year old henry capuch pissing on the from an ice machine when they found 30-year-old Henry Capuch pissing on the ice in the machine.

When the worker told the 30-year-old off-duty officer to stop, Capuch began swearing and pushing the worker a couple of times with both of his hands. Then he resisted arrest when the cops found him on the beach. And for all of of us I blame Florida I think that's what happens when you get there yeah when in Rome yeah right right yeah and I

love that excuse me I love that he shoved him with both hands which means his dick what his dick was just flopping around which is by, by the way, the greatest way. If somebody attacks you, pull your dick out because he's not going to wrestle you to the ground. He's going to keep a little distance. It's very disarming. It's not your balls, it's your shaft. It's very disarming.

It's disarming. Absolutely. So even Chicago became Florida this week. Hey, Kapoochch what are you doing man I'm making yellow snow that's Kapooch being Kapooch what are you kidding he's pulling a Kapooch

Jimmy B's beach bar more like Jimmy P's beach bar alright let's do some sports I love it I love this one it is a sad crinkling of the paper as i have to announce the updated tampa bay bet i am now down i i jacked the bet up by a hundred bucks last week because I was down to 50. I instantly said yes.

And I'm thinking, okay, they're playing San Francisco. San Francisco is using their third string quarterback, a fucking rookie. A ringer. And, and they're getting a couple of points. So I took San, so I, so i so i said all right let's make it 100 they lost like 35 to 3 it was a fucking blowout it was incredible that kid could just march down the field whenever he wanted dude and then did you see him on thursday night football play against uh no uh they they annihilated uh seattle on thursday night they were fucking he's amazing he's got poise he's got

wheels he's got vision he did there's a lot of exciting quarterbacks in the league more more than they're young time i've ever known i think think. They're young. They're rookies. They're in their second and third years. There's an era of new football coming, of great new quarterbacks. I mean, clearly we lived through the era when it was Marino and what's his name in San Francisco? And then you had Troy Aikman. Huh? You had, yeah, yeah.

Joe. Joe Theismann. Oh, geez, I forgot about him. Yeah, Joe Montana. Lawrence Taylor hasn't forgotten about him. Yeah. Yeah, Joe Montana. And, yeah, Marino and stuff.

So there was an incredible era, don't get me wrong, before that Bradshaw and everything. John Elway. But I think now there's just so many exciting young ones. And I love athletic quarterbacks that can run. Yeah. So it just makes it, I think, so much more exciting. Yeah.

Well, I'm not excited about this week. Tampa Bay is playing against Cincinnati. Tampa Bay is getting three and a half points, which is going to come nowhere near covering the 15 point loss that's about to befall them. So are you saying

you don't want to go up 100 again? I'm saying I'd rather go to zero this week. Oh, no, that's not part of the agreement. It's 50 bucks minimum. It's 50 bucks minimum. But also remember the year i paid you 400

and i double or nothing on the last that's what i did it was a 200 i'm remembering it now and i doubled or nothing it on the super bowl yeah oh yeah yeah holy all right so i'm playing with the house's money all right so 50 bucks this week we're on um and then uh we have we had a story this is kind of an interesting story sorry i'm still a little phlegmy from last week i hope i'm not grossing people out into my microphone oh the worst voice ever shocking footage has emerged from an nhl-backed hockey tournament of a transgender now try to follow this a transgender female player hitting a much smaller transgender male opponent who suffered a concussion after hitting the boards head first danny or daniel Danny or Daniel Makey a transgender man from Minneapolis who plays for the Rainbow Dash

suffered the injury during the team trans ice hockey draft in Middleton Wisconsin. It's very easy to solve. If you're not politic, it's very easy to follow. If you're not politically correct, I immediately labeled them in my mind uh i don't know if i'm allowed to say biologically and it's very easy to follow yeah it's just weird that a transgender female would take advantage of her size to hurt somebody who's also transgender but going in the opposite direction was she making a statement wait there's something wrong about the last quote read the bottom

paragraph the contact doesn't look serious on video but the size difference between players is so great that the female suffers a concussion twitter user gene mazix wrote gene mazix you just dead named that's wrong yeah she dead named the male suffered a concussion the i guess the transgender male would be technically okay to say. It's so funny this story is a minefield. What can you even say about it? Of course, we can say whatever we want, but. Well, first of all, I can tell you that that was not a checking league. I guarantee you that that was not a game that had checking.

And so it was way out of line. Figures a female couldn't keep that straight in her head and smash that poor little guy. I used to, when I was in college, I used to ref for intramural hockey. Get off the ice, you crazy chick. Right. I used to ref the hockey games, and then I ref for the women's varsity. I would ref. You remember John Matarazzo?

Yeah. Yeah, so me and him would ref the female games. And one time, Boston College played BU and the women's coach came on the ice and she tried to fight the other coach on the other bench. And we had to physically break them up. It was fucking crazy. Wow. Wow, that's a big responsibility.

I mean, those are big schools yeah d1 oh no it was club it was club oh okay but still yeah i was ashamed what else i was terrible um here's let's go international yeah you have to pay attention if you're i mean offsides and all that offsides i could get but there was other there was other penalties that uh that i didn't always like two line back then you weren't allowed to do a two-line pass um oh right a two-year-old boy was partially swallowed alive by a hippopotamus what is this a game is this a milton brother parker brothers game hungry hungry he's he's recovering after a man stoned the animal to set the boy free uh the attack took place in western uganda the boy identified as powell ega was playing near his home when he was grabbed by the amphibious animal, which then swallowed half the child's body.

But he released it when he got hit with the rocks. Can I ask you a question about your pronunciation? Yeah. It clearly says Paul Iga. And because it's in Uganda, did you say Powell? Did I say Powell? Yeah. I swear to God you did.

Everyone heard it. You heard it, right, guys? Well, if you want to honor the Ugandan people, you have to say Powell. I think you might be right. the ugandan people you have to say powell i think you might be right but i didn't know if you somehow had gotten that information somewhere else i don't know i was on a roll i was on a roll nice i like it i like it so no corrections on uh powell powell yeah um how does a um how does a hippopotamus half swallow i mean don't they ever see when they toss them a pumpkin or whatever they like crush it and then throw it in the back of their right now the kid was all right though it's really fucking what's a weird story because first of all i think hippopotamuses

are among the most dangerous animals in the world in terms of the sheer number. Denman, can you look that up for us? Are you still there? It's below, I think it's below crocodile. I forget. I saw the list recently. Of course, mosquitoes. No, I think it's more than crocodile.

Is it more? Oh, wow. I think there might be except crocodiles are all over the world kind of and hippos are not that's true but i think that there's more snake deaths than any of them but denman's been quiet have you noticed denman's been quiet today he's pro hippo he's also and he's also anti-African kid. He's also anti-fog. We know this.

Here come the stats. 500 per year. Yeah, but who is it the most? So let's do snakes. He's going to look it up. Snakes, alligators. Just do the list. There's a list there's a list top five list maybe i would say dogs are up there oh well rabies is a different you know kind of a

different category snakes is probably oh what about spiders? Oh, right. Mosquitoes is number one. I know that. Mosquitoes is number one. Always. I deserve it. They work so hard. I think 100 million people a year die from mosquitoes.

Did you see that Jimmy Carr joke about mosquitoes? What is it? about mosquitoes? What is it? That if the world could come together and fund charities that make mosquito nets and we could send them to Africa, we'd save millions of mosquitoes from getting AIDS. I slaughtered it probably a little bit.

Yeah. Denman, what the fuck is taking so long? He'll get it. It's coming. It's coming. It's funny when, you know, I went to Australia in the eighties or 1990. And my one reaction was like, I'd go out hiking. I was down there visiting Brickner. Right.

And you'd go in the ocean and, and there was a very much awareness of great whites right in the vicinity. And then you'd go hiking and they'd have a long list. And I'm like, God, you guys really haven't killed everything that can kill you. That's what we did in America. Yeah, right. Bear Mountain has no more bears. Yeah. No, and I think it's, I think it's why the-

There were no more wolves in Wyoming at that time. They've come back. They brought them back. I think that's why australians are so in the moment i think that we we should re-release killer animals in every city of the country because it keeps you from getting a lot you're not going to stare at your phone when a fucking grizzly might come jumping out of a dumpster all right is denman sent us a link he sent us the headline he sent us the fucking headline oh yeah it's a link all right i opened it up so here's the top

here okay so number 15 is sharks according to this list oh you're free i got i can you hear me yeah you're freezing according to this list which is nico go ahead you you read it i'll do it you're freezing uh sharks six deaths a year in the world for all the fear of sharks wolves 10 deaths a year. Lions, 22 deaths a year. Elephants, 500 deaths a year. Hippopotamuses, also 500 deaths a year. Although they kill a lot of watermelons. Tapeworms, 700 deaths a year. Crocodiles, 1,000 deaths a year.

Damn. Roundworms, 4,000 deaths a year. Damn. Roundworms, 4,500 deaths a year. Tsetse flies, 10,000 deaths a year. What? Assassin bugs, 12,000 deaths a year. That's called a kissing bug. Freshwater snails, 20,000 deaths a year. Whoa. Dogs, 35, 000 deaths a year whoa dogs 35 000 deaths a year

damn and you're right it's because of rabies snakes a hundred thousand deaths a year god damn it humans coming in at number two, 437,000 deaths a year. Well, I think that number's higher if you count suicides. And mosquitoes, 750,000 deaths a year. That's, I think, what I said earlier. Wow. Or maybe I said 100 million. All right.

We'll get a correction. How bad is my connection? It's better now. Well, let's plow through this. But a big apology. Clearly, my power has not come back on. So this is going through a very weak signal on my iPhone. And the only reason a light is still on on the zoom is because my bat

my laptop was charged that's it all right oh that's good news yep um all right let's get to let's just skip down to letters to the editor yep as always reach out to us fitzdog radio at gmail.com we'll be happy to get back to you uh regarding your this is from phil regarding your two minute world cup goal delay oh i remember i was my i was my sister was texting me and she was like two minutes ahead uh she goes that has not he goes it has nothing to do with geography if you're watching on a streaming service like youtube tv which i was there's a one to two minute delay minimum it's an internet thing if you're watching on a streaming service like youtube tv which i was there's a one to two minute delay minimum it's an internet thing if you're listening on radio or watching

over the air antenna there's almost zero delay okay well if you get a frantic call from me on sunday asking to cancel the bet on tampa bay it's because I'm listening to it on radio. And I'm a minute or two ahead of you. So I should forget I said that. You may get a frantic call from me on Sunday saying let's double the bet or let's kill the bet. Douglas Hoffman, Esquire. He loves to put that at the end of his name. The only one I can remember,

we're talking about Dick Capri, the comedian Dick Capri. Yeah. The only one I can remember is from a roast of Longer Ago, where Dick said, quote, I leave a tampon on top of my TV to remind me of the cunts who took the VCR in The Divorce. That's great. my god uh i'm gonna i'm gonna legally change my last name so there's a comma space esq could i do that yeah sure yeah

um i those comedians dick capri and we just we just uh we lost freddie roman recently those guys had to be squeaky clean when they worked in the catskill mountains but then when they were among each other at roast and stuff they were filthy and dark so funny oh yeah they're trying to make the funniest people in the world laugh are you you kidding me? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Oh, I gave this guy a new verbal tick. Scott G., you want to read this? My wife recently noticed that I've started a new verbal tick by saying, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just try to say it like I say it, but it didn't feel familiar.

And she says he says it way too often. I never used to say it, but listening to this week's Sunday papers, I've realized that Mike says it all the time. Did Mike do this to me? Is it some sort of dark magic? How can I stop? Grateful for any advice. P.S.

Please tell Mike Deconstructing Harry is now on Amazon Prime. Oh, freebie, meaning it has commercials. Two things. Regarding Deconstructing harry it it's also on apple i didn't realize because i went in and tried to find it at one point maybe it's back or maybe i missed it entirely but oh my god this past week i also watched uh zellig it's a joke machine and anyway if you haven't seen Deconstructing Harry, just do it for the Kirstie Alley alone, because she almost did the show.

And by the way, super famous scene with Robin Williams, who's defocused, that's all I'm going to say. Like he's on a movie set, and they have trouble focusing on him. I'll just leave it there. There is such absurd humor in in it's it's it's classic so i didn't know i said yeah yeah that much but it's very positive why say here's what you say you say yeah yeah yeah and you also say yeah no you say yeah no a lot yeah no is my favorite yeah

right so scotchy man don't fight it just and you also say this a lot whoa whoa whoa whoa you didn't hear about blah blah blah whoa whoa whoa it sounds good coming out of your mouth it must sound amazing coming out of my damaged voice i'm listening when you say that i am listening right, let's get to... And that's all, folks. The obituary is very disturbing this week. We will preface this by saying, if you have suicidal thoughts,

if you're thinking about suicide, there are resources out there. Call somebody and get help. Also, I'm not making light of this, but if you are thinking of working for Ellen, there's also resources, and I'm sure there are a number. Call us. Write to us. We'll talk you down.

Steven Twitch Boss was a dancer and TV personality who was best known as the DJ for the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Have a little fun today. If someone... I already said that. This is heartbreaking. Steven Twitch Boss studied dance in college, and in 2003, he was a runner-up on the television show Star Search. He choreographed for K-pop singer seven and was a background dancer in the film

blades of glory in 2008 he was runner-up on the dance competition so you think you can dance and came back to be a judge on the show this year he was best known for being the dj on the popular ellen degenera show he married allison hulker a dancer who also competed on So You Think You Can Dance. He is survived by his wife and three children. So I don't know if you saw, I saw a couple of the Ellen staff, not the higher ups, posts that this is like, he was a really great guy.

And it seems it. So I'm kind of bummed about this because he seemed like he had so much going for him and he seemed i mean that's the deceiving thing he seemed happy i don't know he had a bunch of career things that were going on he had a four million dollar house three young kids and uh good looking guy positive, had a lot of famous friends. My guess is that in a lot of these cases, somebody is on antidepressants and they go off them without tapering properly. If you take antidepressants, do not fuck around with them. They will really fuck your brain up if you don't go off them very slowly so talk to your doctor

and uh and manage your medications properly or else you can be really left with like you know sometimes you just the the the the cortisone or whatever that whatever the stuff that makes you feel good that uh that that these pills release suddenly it's gone and your body has stopped generating it itself and you're left with no good feelings at all serotonin and and all that stuff so uh be careful also i mean i i really don't know what i'm talking about i should definitely preface by saying that but it's also it could have been uh without meds, and he was trying to fight it as best he could naturally, and there's no shame in meds. Right.

Okay. Let's cheer up, Mike. Let's have fun today. The Lockhorns are out to dinner, which isn't that often, but they do like to go to nice restaurants once in a while. They are romantic. And Leroy's sitting there and he says to the waiter, what do you recommend to help forget this night ever happened?

That's a good one. And the next one, Loretta is looking at a photo album with her friend and she goes, these are from Leroy's bachelor party. That's why all the faces are pixelated. Just hookers and strippers. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. And now the two of them are at the marriage counselor and they're each wearing bicycle helmets and padding on their elbows and knees.

And he goes, I'm afraid you two aren't coming into these trust falls with the right attitude. Emotionally guarded as well. Hager the Horrible, the Viking, he comes into a house. There's a man about to carve a ham. And the wife opens the door and she looks a little disturbed and she goes we have a visitor and the man says hello hagger goodbye ham hello rape he doesn't say that but that's the third frame hagger i think his wife's name might be ham hello goodbye ham goodbye my virtuous ham maybe he meant pam okay here is uh far side it's one of my favorite of all time which i'm gonna say

i'm gonna say that about a lot of them this is a picture of a school building, a brick school building with a door and a kid has gone up the stairs and he has a book in his hand and he is leaning against this door and pushing it with all his might. And there's a sign under that says Midvale School for the Gifted. And this kid is pushing it. And right above his hand on the door is a big sign that says pull not a small sign not a little plaque a giant pull sign right where his eyes would have been and his hand is an inch under it and he's pushing with the biggest hardest lean his body can make and what what gets me about this, especially, and maybe this is very un-PC to say,

the way he's drawn the kid and the way like he's just looking down, like it's the perfect, this kid is clearly on the spectrum. And he is, he's probably wildly gifted. And that's why he's in this school, but he's on the spectrum. And I just love when Larson would take these, like last week or two weeks ago, we did, I think it was last week, the alien that tripped down the stairs, all these things that we're saying they're so smart and intimidating.

And then he shows them doing stupid things. Yeah. But this one is especially great because so many of these highly intelligent people can have these real gaps in common sense smarts. Anyway, I love this one. Bringing it home with my girl. Oh my God, does Blondie look good good today the answer is the front door for dick face and she's got on a pea green mini skirt it's not mini but it's above her knees which allows you to see the calf definition which she's so famous for she's got on a uh a pink sweater and her breasts look enormous. Well, the pink sweater has stripes right across the chest.

Yes. Horizontally. And as we know, horizontal stripes are not slimming. No, no. They lift and they present. And she says to him, how was your day, sweetheart? And he goes, well well it started out pretty bad she leans in puts her arms around him leans him back and it says smack and with hearts and

she gives him a big kiss on the face and then he goes then smack it turned out pretty good and i just want to say why why can't that be me why can't that woman see that i had a rough day and with that fucking sweater on lee because what's next that you don't see the next frame i mean you do with dagwood it's in the kitchen my next frame is up those stairs to the left on that king-sized bed and that sweater is crumpled on the ground at least he had the proper reaction this week you have to be a little proud of him yes now that's true because normally it'd be like smack it's like i had more i more in mind had dinner you know or some bullshit comment yeah even the dog looks impressed yeah the dog is like all right dagwood you're not a homosexual this week oh boy oh boy there we go there we go all right they got a homeless uh

speaking of homosexuals thanks to midcoast media for doing a great show this week uh editing fixing up what garbled audio we're going to get from Mike's closet with no electricity. I apologize to everybody. My voice is bad enough and now you're not even getting the good mic and I'm sitting. It's great. I don't know. I can't believe your power is still out. That's crazy. I try to come back on and I wonder if the building or my unit blew like the main fuse. I'm going to, I my unit blew like the main fuse.

I have to go check all this stuff. I can't believe when I came back, the Zoom, all I did was, what did I do? Oh, my computer, the Zoom died because no internet. And then I did the hot link on my phone, which had one or two cells, depending. So now I've put it out in the room where it has two cells. I know this is fascinating. And then you pop back up. I couldn't believe the zoom came back to life unbelievable we did it progress it always works somehow it always works from different cities from different computers different wi-fi's we come to you and it's almost the end of the year we're going to

do a christmas show next week and then we will be off for New Year's Eve. We're going to take a week off. We'll see you guys next week. When does the NFL season end? Late January. Well, that's playoffs, right? Yeah, that's playoffs. Oh, the regular season?

Yeah, maybe the regular season ends at the end of December. When do our bets go, Till? That's what I's the regular season. Yeah. Maybe the regular season ends at the end of December. When do our bets go till? That's what I'm asking, sir. Well, I don't think that the Buccaneers are making it to the postseason. Why don't they like in second place?

Anyway, whatever with a loser. No, they're not even 500 right now. No, I know, but that doesn't stop some teams from making the playoffs. All right, whatever.

I just want to win money. All right. This is where we say from making the playoffs. All right, whatever. I just want to win money. All right. This is where we say take it each, I think. I think we're going to say take it each. I'll see you at Dennis's in about a half an hour. Let's see if I get my power back on to do my hair. Yeah. Okay, kids.

Take it each. Take it each. It's the Sunday Papers. Take it easy. Take it easy.