Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 145 12/25/22

Episode Date: December 25, 2022

Merry Christmas to all of our loyal wonderful listeners! On this magic day we bring you tales from FLA of a man setting a police cruiser on fire, a woman in MI stalking her own daughter, and a man in Boston dangling out a 12th story window by his drawers. Happy New Year!

Hey Sunday Papers people, happy holidays, happy new year, merry Christmas, all of it. Just a short little message to say I'm an idiot and I forgot to press record on this thing for the first like 35 minutes. So just bear with me. The audio eventually gets good. But I am not a professional. Here's the proof.

Here is my setup. There is an ice bucket and then a garbage can and then there's where the magic happens in New York City. So I'm not great in a dimly lit hotel room, but there it is. Anyway, happy holidays. Thank you for listening. And here comes some shitty audio. Check, check, check, check. Hey, now let's clap it in. One, two. Hey, now, let's clap it in. One, two. There it is.

One, two. Hey, I clapped and did that. Read all about it. It's Christmas. Read all about it. It's Christmas Day. The Lord has risen. I know he didn't rise. He was born.

What? Three wise men came to the manger today. They bought gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Well, the true miracle is that Jesus of Nazareth was born in Bethlehem. How did that happen? Yeah, right? That's the miracle. That's like when one of those housewives of Orange County all of a sudden is on the New Jersey season.

Is that what it's like? Yeah, they mix it up sometimes. It is sacred, that show. It is sacred. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, everybody. I hope you're with your families and you are finding a way to see the humor in it all.

Yeah. Why? are they struggling? Is that, is that many people struggle? That's the assumption that you're working under. I don't, I actually really enjoy being around my family at Christmas so I can never relate when people talk about all the stress I have. Family can. There he is. Mike Gibbons in New York City where do you stay?

look at the puffy face I gotta start because I've been drinking a lot I gotta start doing that ice thing you slam your face in ice water yeah what was it? a new drug

he put it in a music video. Huey Lewis did. Huey Lewis in the news. But it's a, you know, listen, it's inflammation. It's a popular thing. I am in, okay. So I walked around our old neighborhood and we were a little further apart. You were Mulberry, right?

241 Mulberry Street. Okay. It's a mall now. It's boutiquey, boutiquey, boutiquey. Like, listen, I know we're sounding, I'm such a tourist in New York at this point. But anyway, I went and I found your doorway. And because I know the Ravenite Social Club was across the street. No, on the same side of the street.

One door over. Oh, it was one door over. Okay. Right. No, across the street was the woman running numbers out of the window. Yes. Gina. Right. Oh, it was Gina door over. Okay. Right. The woman, no, across the street was the woman running numbers out of the window. Yes. Gina. Right.

Oh, it was Gina? Yeah. And I walked by where I think Buffett, was it Buffett's? Yeah. Buffett's, Buffetteria. Gone, of course. Yeah. And there's all these little boutiques.

Like, it's crazy. And like, you know, big chains also. I mean. Really? Like, well, fancy chains you know like um that one place uh lobe or whatever it is that lalabo that makes candles they're on abbot kinney and they're like on your street it's like crazy right um all right so i'm on ludlow where we used to come cats's deli is on the corner every day i don't know what happened.

Other New Yorkers are like, yeah, that's kind of new. Every day, a line down the block, like it's a Disney ride. For Katz's Delicatessen? Yes. Yeah. But everything is touristy. I landed on Sunday, and I thought at 4 o'clock or something, I thought I'd sail right into the city our cab ride on a sunday afternoon to get into new york how much was it

uh i think i got it for between 50 and 60 i don't know how many tools they added oh my god but oh so i took a cab last night up to eat dinner with my stepsister and brother and step brother, brother-in-law, Tim and Jenny, who, you know, and they're the best. And I took a cab up. The cab started with extra charges. I get in and it's like six 50 or something like that. I'm like, what? I don't know if there's a prime time charge, but I do feel like an alien or a 90-year-old man when I'm here. And then just to go, I'd say it was a mile and a half.

It was 12 bucks or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Crazy. I mean, I'm going to New York Wednesday, and you just turn your pockets inside out, and you put your pockets inside out and you put your hands up and you go, just take it, take it all. You know, you go out to breakfast and it's going to be 60 bucks for four people. Yeah.

I remember we used to say, it's like a cover, a $20 cover charge just to leave your apartment. You're like, I don't think I bought anything. Well, you took two subways and then you got a paper and you got a coffee, you know, whatever. Right. So tell me about the hotel you're staying at this is the place that the artist place the artist place you know the only artist could stay there no no this is no i'm just

saying cats is deli we used to venture here because this was one of the birthplaces of alternative comedy. Oh, you know, I'm thinking of Tom. Tom found a place in New York that's only for artists and it's 75 bucks a night and it's on like 23rd Street on the east side. Yeah. But what's the name of your hotel? The Ludlow Hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stayed there once before. It's very cool. Oh, it's very cool. But the only reason you can see me right there once before it's very cool oh it's very cool but the only reason you can see me right now is because it's late enough in the day and the sun is heading west because the rooms are so dimly lit again it makes me feel like the oldest man in the world i'm like i can't see a goddamn thing in here and that's what the lights maxed they have like designer

dim yeah yeah i find that in a lot of hotels these days they try to go chic and they forget And that's what the lights maxed. They have like designer dim lights. Yeah, yeah. I find that in a lot of hotels these days. They try to go chic and they forget that you actually need to see your way around the room. It's like they'll have a couple corner lights, nothing overhead. Yeah. No, and everything's flattering. You're like, I guess I can, you know, I guess I look good. And then you go down in the lobby like, oh god like my fucking hair is crazy so um anyway there's two hotels on this shitty little street we used to come to

which was nowheresville yeah and uh no it was dangerous i remember when i used to go to uh yeah luna lounge it was it was dangerous to go down there. And now across the street, I think where Luna Lounge was, is a giant tall hotel. I think it's the Indigo or something. A tall hotel. I don't even know how they built it, honestly. I don't know how you build a tall building in New York. I really don't. Your cranes are on site.

It's a real feat, I got to say. Went to a few christmas parties i haven't embarrassed myself too badly in terms of not remembering people a couple people just just i've just decided i'm done trying to be i did the honest approach for a while where i'd go like i'm sorry i don't remember no no, no, no, no. That never works. People do not forgive that. So from now on, I just go, hey, what's happening? Great to see you. And I just go full hog with every single person I see at the party. Instead of what? Saying sorry? Instead of going like, hey, I'm sorry. Where we met before?

Oh, yeah, yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well that's my whole life i don't it's the upside of getting the name right is not worth the downside of not getting it right right yeah big time a lot of people said hi to you i was at a party last night ben benji aflafo says hello oh yeah of course. Andrew Santino said you guys were talking about me, talking shit about me. Probably, yeah, yeah. That tracks. That tracks. Bobby Lee was there.

Oh, nice. Spade. How was the party? Spade asked about you. Come on. Yeah. Wow. I think you're just flattering me now.

It was a good party. It was up at, I shouldn't say whose party it is, just in case somebody wasn't invited and they get offended. Yeah, don't say it. But it was a big comic who just bought like a $7 million house that overlooks the city. Beautiful. Ah, Joe Rogan's birthday Christmas party.

And then this past week, I went to a funeral for our dear friend Zoe Friedman's mother, Silver. And Tom O'Neill was there, our friend Tom O'Neill who wrote the book Chaos.

Now, why was he there? He was there because Tom is old school Irish. Old school Irish people go to funerals you know like that's what they used to do in the bronx you would like on the weekends you would just go to funerals you didn't have to know the person that well and so he showed up because he wanted to see what big comedians would show up which were not a lot there were um there were a few famous comics, but nobody huge. And Marin sat next to me and talked throughout the entire fucking ceremony. How respectful.

And then we went over to Zoe's house for food. And Zoe's mom, Silver, who passed, lived in the guest house in the back for the last 18 years. And so she is gone and uh tom o'neill wasted zero time in scouting out the back house and starting to drop hints to zoe that he would move in another old woman in the back house right oh no so well he's supposed to come here tonight he is coming here tonight and then like his american flight got canceled anyway he's been dealing with it all day and um but yeah i guess he's staying in that artist hotel and trying to see him and then he he's coming to see you at Caroline's coming to Caroline's.

And then there's a few people in town. I think dimples Liz is around and Mary Fitz is with her sister. She's going to come down to the Caroline show, which should be fun. I talked to a tell last night. He might swing by. Oh, nice. He's doing the final. He'll be there for the final shows at Caroline's December 26th through the 31st. Get your tickets, and you're not going to want to miss him

in the last week at Caroline's before it closes. That's going to be amazing. Well, you're going to get a nice temperature drop. Man, New York is just missing a white Christmas. Rain Thursday and Fridayiday and it somehow makes it up to the 50s and then it drops off a shelf saturday down to 13 degrees 13 13 to 21 and windy oh and then today that's what we're talking about, I guess, Christmas Day, 15 to 28, but sunny. Yeah.

Where are you waking up Christmas morning? On the Upper West Side of Manhattan. And we'll go over to Aaron's got two nephews who are very cute. And we'll spend Christmas morning with them, watch them open up some gifts. And then we jump on the train and we go up to Westchester. Wait, aren't these cute nephews in their late teens no they're like maybe 11 and 7 oh okay i didn't know all right and then we'll go up to uh westchester to my family's uh for christmas dinner and then spend a few days up in Westchester at my sister's house.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. Not enough time, though. It always, whenever we book it, we're like, ah, we don't want to go for too long. And then when you start actually trying to figure out who you're going to see and when, you realize you have no time at all. Right. Yeah.

So should we talk about the World cup or is it too late? It's too late to talk about the world cup. Not too late for me to talk about it. So I get on a spirit airlines flight when it's two zero. I know it's Sunday morning quarterback, but I will say this. I, Oh no, I'm on the plane watching on my phone while we're sitting, you know, boarding and I get to watch before we take off until it's 2-0. And when I saw the Argentinian guy crying,

and then the whole team huddled, and they were all crying, and then the guy very carefully cut to like a French guy who just had the most determined look on his face, I was like, this is not over. And I also thought, if you're a coach, how do you turn that around? Because if you're crying and thanking God and your mamas and all that, like, it's very hard to remind the team that like, uh, you are playing the greatest team on earth and all they want to do is tie this up or you know obviously win score score score yeah

so anyway that was my last thought we take off oh by the way Spirit Airlines there's no Wi-Fi Wi-Fi is broken so there's a bunch of these very very passionate uh intense Latinas on board. And so they asked for scores because it's, everyone can't believe there's no wifi now. So the pilot would give an update each time. So he's like, okay, a little world cup update. It's two, one. Oh, the whole plane was going to say it is now two, two. When he announced it is three, three, and then an overtime or extra time is over. And they're going into penalty kicks.

The plane went fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it went crazy because it is clearly at least one of the best World Cup finals ever. It's the best. They say it's the best World cup finals of all time we are stuck on a fucking plane where the seats don't even recline and there's no wi-fi and uh you can't even like follow the the game via twitter and so everyone was fucking losing i told you anyway quickly uh my worst missing out on a television event ever was i'm in my 20s wherever it's tyson holyfield

i'm in west hampton beach and it was a pay-per-view but what they would do is they would sort of uh what's it called like um they would block the feed if you didn't pay for it it was scrambled that's the word yeah they would scramble the feed so you'd kind of be able to see it for a second and then you'd lose it but you'd hear audio and. And no joke, that's the one where Tyson bit Holyfield's ear and the announcers literally said, like, I can't believe what I just saw. Look, and they played the replay. I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So that was my World Cup experience. So I should mention a friend of the show, David Chamberlain of RecordLA.com, did a very cool, he re-edited and re-engineered some sound bites from us for the 12 Days of Christmas,

and he put this together. So listen up. I thought I'd surprise you. Yeah. together so listen up that's i thought i'd surprise you yeah this is definitely year-end Florida Man Award nominee. All righty. I thought it was going to be 20 minutes long. That was nice.

Yeah. Yeah. Holidays. We should also thank this week's song was from from patrick godfrey was very cool um the logo well i we didn't pick the logo there's three to pick from you have to choose which one you want i kind of like the first one uh the first one let's show them all let's show them all the first one's very cool yeah it's a wonderful life is funny i like the first one too all right let's do the first one that's from bruce wise i like all of them but thank you hand drawing the nativity scene

with us in it and we are we to the two wise men? Yes. All right. I've got the myrrh and I've got a rubber chicken in my hand. And you're choking your chicken. I think that's what that means. Correction. Daniel Goodman says Brazil-Germany World Cup. Correction. That game was eight years ago, not four.

Holy shit. That can't be real. I think it is. not four holy shit that can't be real i think it is yep you know what i did you know what i did four years ago was i went to worst knuckle the journey you know on lincoln it's like the german bratwurst place worst cooch worst cooch very hipster uh german place on lincoln i went have like literally they have like 40 taps of different beers i went there when germany was playing mexico and i think me and all the bus boys were the only people cheering and mexico beat germany yeah oh wow that was four years ago i believe also uh excuse me still

coughing i got over my sickness a week ago, and I still got that fucking residual cough. Come to New York. Get everyone sick. Bob Patterson said Mike was incorrect. Tampa Bay is not in second place. They are in first place in the NFC South. So, Greg, you are also incorrect that they are out of the playoffs. Jesus.

I know. I kind of knew that they were still in the playoffs. Jesus. I know. I kind of knew that they were still in the running. I kind of said that. But, yeah, I did not guess it was first place. Here, let me call up. Well, whatever. We'll get to it in sports because I had a good week. Let's just put it that way.

Again. And I think it's like eight in a row now. Caroline's in New York City city december 22nd come on down it's gonna be my last time performing there and then atlanta the punchline january 19th through 21 portland helium january 26th through 28th and then philly helium march 9th through the 11th go to fitzdog.com get your, come out and see some live comedy. You know, Mike, you have, you have life insurance, right? Hold on. Buccaneers are still in first. Okay, go ahead. Yes,

I do have life insurance. A lot of people don't. And it, it shocks me. When you think about the bills that you pay every month, the fact that you pay for cable channels that you don't even watch. And you and it's just on your credit card bill. And yet you're not insuring your life so that if you die, your children and spouse are taken care of. You know, you've got mortgage payments, child care. There's all these things. They don't go away when you die.

They are left to pay those things. And the insurance that most people get through the workplace is like way short of what you really need. So get it now. The longer you wait, the more expensive it gets. Jump in. You can get some unbelievably cheap rates if you do it when you're younger. Policy Genius gives you a smarter way to buy and find the right coverage for you and your family. If you have life insurance, share your story. Why did you get it? That's what the note says to me. I got it because I love my wife and I don't want to straddle her with debt. The complete assumption is we will be survived by family.

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Your loved ones deserve a financial safety net. You deserve a smarter way to find and buy it. Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes. See how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. Nice. Should we go to the front page? I think it's time to go to the front page. Merry Christmas, front page. I think it's time to go to the front page. Merry Christmas, front page. Extra! Extra! We all have thought it! Extra! Look at that. Oh, by the way, I should apologize for, I mean, my electricity went off in the middle of the podcast last week. Oh, right.

And then I popped back. I looked like it was a Halloween. I looked like I was in a queen video with just my face lit almost like by a flashlight and uh what did i light my face with oh i guess that little battery powered one that anyway and the audio was crap so a big apology because we had to use the audio from the zoom yeah your whole area in Santa Monica went out, I guess. Yeah, when the girls came home, they were like, a guard is holding up the parking garage gate because that's electric,

so no one could get in or out of the building. It was, I don't know. Yeah, a couple of blocks went dark. I don't know what it was. Struggles with living on the West Side. Yeah, Christmas tree fire probably all right front page history has been made at harvard university as claudine gay becomes the first person of color and second woman to be named president of the school and she's a gay

i don't think it's her last name she's a gay she's a gay she's one't think she's gay. Because of her last name? She's a gay. She's a gay. She's one of the gays. They can check that box, too. She's gay. Oh, the Harvard gays? Yeah. In a new video, she expressed her excitement and gratitude for being elected president.

For me, this role is about harnessing the power of ideas and supporting the people who pursue them. Born to Haitian immigrants, she reminisced on the path her parents paved that led to her to pursue a career in academics. So, I mean, this is great. Big step. Bigger step is going to be getting her kids into the school because they're Black.

Well, she went there. How proud her parents must be that she went to Harvard. Then she taught there for 16 years. And this is her, the school with the most shameful connection to slavery and racism. Maybe not the most. There's probably some Southern ones, of course, but Harvard has a storied past in racism. And now they've pledged, I think, hiring her not to listen. She's an unbelievable candidate. Do not get me wrong. But I can't help but think Harvard is just that was the priority because they only recently recognized their connections to slavery. I mean, there was like 40 people at Harvard with slaves or whatever it was. But they recently also pledged

100 million to address its historical ties to slavery donors who benefited from slavery. And then the professors at Harvard gave credence to racial superiority theories over the school's 400 year history, blah, blah, blah. I mean, that is the thing the thing like i got two kids in college and you add up the cost you know the tuition and the books and the dorm but back then you had to you had to buy a slave too i mean it really adds up on top of the books you know when the kids aren't around do the chores anymore and stuff right you need a little help like get yourself a slave get a slave you know i mean college would have been greenlit it it would have been so much easier in college i struggled if i'd had a slave oh my god just especially one that knew a lot about like french and renaissance art or uh u.s history 101 oh man greg you look tired no i'm not that tired

my slave pulled an all-nighter but i think i think you know it's it's finals what else are you gonna do right uh all right why don't you read your story earth oh yeah mr good news merry christmas earth could face a mass extinction by 2100 a supercomputer predicts more than a quarter of the species will die by the end of the century and the results of this supercomputer uh projection are that they point to a loss of 10% of all plant and animal species by 2050 and rising to 27% by the end of the century. Meanwhile, other supercomputers are like telling this one, bro, what are you talking about? Didn't you get the memo?

We're wiping these fucks off the planet in 26. Why are you giving them warning? Better they not know i'll tell you what my grandkids who will be alive then will be the first to go because they're going to be raised by my kids and my kids can't even cook a fucking meal on their own and and also i gotta think the irish scottish english we're gonna go first with the global warming we're we're toast yeah i mean we fled to the north i don't know much about human history and migration but uh yeah i don't know i mean the last great extent you know we weren't around yet

right the last great extinction dinosaurs and all that around yet, right? The last great extinction, dinosaurs and all that. No, man. No Cro-Magnon, no Neanderthal, none of that stuff. I don't, you know. Who knows? Wait.

Yeah, I always get confused about that. Yeah, there was never, there were no Homo sapiens during dinosaurs. Dinosaurs were before Homo sapiens. Also, I think I read, you know know fact check us please but i'm trying to remember the year ish that dinosaurs the that the existence of dinosaurs was uncovered and discovered like i think i read that george washington and everyone alive at his time uh had there was no knowledge no knowledge of dinosaurs oh no shit really yeah

none wow what did kids know science no scientists anything like that uh-huh so think about how weird it was to watch barney like what is that purple fucking weird animal kids just went along with it i think we found dinosaurs to justify Barney. Yeah. Yeah. We got made up. What are these toys? What are these toys with these weird looking horses with long necks? We don't know. Somebody made them. And we call someone like a giant, like George Washington. What a dinosaur with your wooden teeth. Like confusing insult. So this was. Oh, here we go.

Denman wrote in 1842, the trailblazing British scientist Richard Owen announced the discovery of the dinosaurs to great acclaim. He described them as immense animals with thick limb bones and strong reinforced hips. Just like you, you mike i am a dinosaur i've always said that yeah my new fucking strong uh pastorious hips by the way uh it's worth checking i'm saying by the way i know i always do but i'm noticing it anyway uh i recently watched Cat Williams bit on Pistorius with his ting, ting, ting, ting, ting legs. Like everyone else is stretching. He's just like ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, just like walking around. He doesn't have to stretch and just ting, ting, ting, ting, ting.

And then he was gone. Like everyone's making fun of him. Cat Williams is one of my absolute, it's insulting to say it's a guilty pleasure. He is so smart and funny. It's incredible. I know because he's such a madman. People just assume that he's stupid,

but he's actually very intelligent. Well, he does a lot of stupid things. You know, it's all the, you know, you know, the possession and all that. And, you know, he fought like a kid at things. You know, it's all the, you know, you know, the possession and all that. And, you know, he fought like a kid at one point. Anyway, it was. Oh, and he would just not show up for shows. Just always late.

I mean, he always goes on like an hour late. And then sometimes he just doesn't show up at all. Right. So a woman in Michigan is facing charges for allegedly sending hateful and bullying messages to teenage students, including her own daughter, under a fake name and number. Kendra Licari of Michigan faces five charges, including stalking a minor and obstruction of justice. The shocking charges come after a year-long investigation into a complaint after Lakari's teenage daughter and her boyfriend reported getting harassing messages.

The 42-year-old woman allegedly used software to hide her location and several numbers to hide who she was. But isn't every parent by nature a stalker? That's our job. You literally stalk your child. You track their locations on their phone. You read their emails. You, you, you drive past the party they're at to make sure it's not out of control. Yeah. You know, I, I don't want my kids stalking me. So anyway, I am fortunate enough where other people are stalking my kids, like their mom. I, I don't, I have no tracking devices

on them, but my sister does too but it's unbelievable you know whatever this is old news but they'll be like uh sophie left the game early they can see in michigan where she's walking on campus or if they're saying they're going to the library and all of a sudden you see they're on frat row you know like you can see that i think on snapchat and all these and obviously you know follow your friends and all that and all and i i don't do any of that that is so crazy i know aaron will tell me that owen yeah same thing owen left the concert early and owen's not a class and i'm like oh my god he's 22 years old. You got to let it go. Although I wouldn't mind a 42-year-old mom stalking me.

Bring it on. I like this story. What does she look like? Do we have a picture? Kendra. Kendra. Or Kari. A protester shut down a recent event geared towards neurodiverse children at a branch of the New York Public Library

and met with a wall of counter-protesters. The Stand Off Over the Drag Story Hour event, a popular national storytelling program where drag performers read children's books at libraries, schools, and bookstores. Before they burn the books. Took place outside the Andrew Haskell Braille Library in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood. I'm right near it. So the event was was the latest in a string of standoffs across the

country from a fringe movement targeting drag events over unsubstantiated allegations of grooming grooming of course they're drag queens of course they're doing a lot of grooming but it's not fucking kids for sex they're grooming their pubic hair so it doesn't pop out of their miniskirts or trying to get a tight shave on that five o'clock shadow. By the way, which is the fringe movement? The one protesting it or the drag story event?

That sounds pretty fringe as well. It sounds like the event needs to be on every news. I mean, this sounds like a great story. And by the way, this isn't Mobile alabama this is fucking chelsea the gayest neighborhood in new york half the kids half the kids fathers wake

up with eyeshadow and lipstick on i think they're over it i uh all right i'm gonna go i'm gonna try to catch one of these events drag story hour i. I'm going to go with Tom tonight. Yeah. Yeah. You want to read this next one just to give some sense that you did something this week? You're going to give me the swastika story? Yeah, why don't you do it? The New York Times has defended the design of a crossword after many Twitter users compared it to a swastika.

of a crossword after many Twitter users compared it to a swastika. The crossword appeared in Sunday's edition of America's paper of record and drew particular attention as it was published on the first night of Hanukkah. Oh, that's bad. Bad timing. A host of prominent Jewish and non-Jewish figures, meaning everybody, I guess, have voiced their outrage and it caused quite a stir on social media. And Donald Trump Jr., son of the former president, wrote, disgusting. Only the New York Times would get Hanukkah going with this.

With this is the crossword puzzle. That's a quote with this as the crossword. Can can a member write a tweet without a misspelling or a grammatical error? Yeah, I think it should be as, not is. But yeah, wow. Listen, I was just disappointed how easy the puzzle was. One down, four letters, rhymes with Yahtzee. I mean, come on.

This is the Sunday crossword. And it was a little fun to complete the puzzle. 52 down was last answer. It took forever, but it was a little fun to complete the puzzle. 52 down was last answer. It took forever, but it was final solution. And that filled out a lot of boxes. Yes, right. Yeah. Right, the final solution.

It was fun. It was fun. It's just so ridiculous. I mean, I saw the picture of the puzzle, and it's like, yeah, it's a swastika. But they didn't plan it. I mean, I suppose the tattoo on my left shoulder is a swastika as well. You mean a swastika? It's an X.

The artist put a little flare on it. But it's an X. And I guess walking with my legs straight isn't just a hip exercise. It means something. I'm sick of this woke shit. Your rigid hellos, those waves straight up above your head to the neighbors. Yeah. And when I say I

export, when I say that I that we should exterminate the Jews, I mean we should support exterminators getting rid of their rodents and the bugs. You can't even get through a sentence with all that anti-semitism dripping out of your mouth wait you know all that dumb i don't have many but in stand-up i would do

uh that i i consider my body a temple not because i work out or take care of it just because it's there's swastikas scrawled all over it. That joke's on the right side of history. I think that's right. Yeah. Poor temples. All right. Let's go down to good news for Gubbins. All right.

Well, I asked you when we hooked up this Zoom. By the way, I have to apologize for audio again. I have been recording good audio with this microphone in my hand for almost seven minutes now. Either I didn't press record or it turned off because the switch, the power switch. So we're using my shitty audio for the top of the podcast.

Anyway. Oh, Jesus Christ. I know, I know, I know. It's Christmas, man. switch so we're using my shitty audio for the top of the podcast anyway oh jesus yeah i know i know i know it's christmas man so before we started recording way before i started recording uh we i asked you if you had heard from gubbins at all and i'd say this is the first week that we have it well it's because we're recording on Tuesday and the podcast just came out two days ago and sometimes he doesn't get to it right away but obviously last week we had his best friend on the podcast which we really thought would drive him absolutely crazy and no response so he hasn't listened to the podcast yet or he has right i was at his house might have listened to it he

had a pizza party a few days ago and uh i know i was how come you didn't go but all the all the power was off and then i had to deal with stuff with my daughters and all the getting their car and blah blah blah so uh he had a pizza party and and then he starts, you know, it's a fun game. He's got this fun game with, like, bowling pins that have numbers on them in the backyard, and you throw the thing. And, I mean, there's 20 people, and he's explaining the rules, and it was like watching a madman have a complete mental breakdown trying to explain the rules. He gets so angry that everybody doesn't know the rules already,

and if anybody asks a question, he completely snaps. Trying to explain the rules. He gets so angry that everybody doesn't know the rules already. And if anybody asks a question, he completely snaps. He does that thing where he doesn't answer. He just looks straight down and shakes his head like you're a bad child. So disappointing to him. So disappointing to him. Yeah. And then he got knocked out of his own game first. Oh, really?

Yeah, which made him have to smoke some more pot. Wait, he wrote me a text. I'm looking for it here, where he said he won two of the games. He got knocked out of the other two. He was the loser in two. Oh, all right. Well, I should have been there. Remember, I won both games, two out of two,

when we were all over there. Wow, you're really impressive, Mike. I'm a super impressive guy, except when it comes to recording the podcast. So this guy Ron says, hey, now, I vote to never have on Gubbins. Love the idea, but that we don't know who the hell the guy is and that you guys keep talking about him and messing with him. Best case scenario, he comes on. Well, I'm not even going to get into what this guy's scenario is because I think we might actually engage in his idea.

So thanks for the note, Ron. All right. Yeah, Ron. Are we going to do an ask? Where are we going? Skipping entertainment? Let's go down to make Florida. Yeah, you go.

Make America Florida. This one I love. December 7th, the suspect, identified as Anthony Thomas Tarduno, 48 years old, left a bar on Northcliffe Boulevard around 4.30 p.m. It's light out. That's pretty early. Yeah. At which point he spontaneously decided to set a police car on fire. And that's the key to life.

Be spontaneous. You don't know what's out there. And also just get out there, man. I know sometimes it feels overwhelming to get out of your rut and leave the house, but you're going to feel better as soon as you go outside. Like this guy did while walk this quote, while walking Tarduno noticed the patrol vehicle and decided he'd like to set it on fire. Said the Hernando County sheriff quote, he went to a nearby dumpster and grabbed a bag of garbage. Tarduno then placed the bag under the patrol car and used a lighter to set it ablaze. By the way, only in Florida can you just guarantee that whatever's in that bag is kindling.

It's flammable. It's Florida. Yeah, it's human body parts. After setting the cruiser aflame, the offender returned to the bar. Celebrate. Here's my favorite part. Quote, several minutes later, Tarduno said he felt bad and returned to the scene to confess, said deputies. During his interview, the offender claimed he was intoxicated and that he does quote stupid things

whenever he's drunk no stupid things are texting an ex picking a fight with a bouncer shopping online no he does florida things when he's drunk not stupid things florida things that he's drunk, not stupid things. Florida things when he's drunk. What a sweet guy, though, guys. I'm sorry. And the juxtaposition between a madman getting a bag, lighting it on fire under a car, and then he being so, guys, can you ever forgive me? These stupid things. And he goes back to the bar thinking, I'm going to really celebrate.

I'm going to enjoy this drink. And halfway through, it's just not tasting right. He's not feeling good about himself. I should go out and confess. Oh, my God. Love it. Think about the charges. Arson, first of all, is a major charge.

Arson is like 10 years in jail yeah that's yeah yeah i think this is just another day police property oh my god yeah this guy's going away for a while uh i hate to do it but we got to do sports Yeah, we do. And I love it. Sad crinkle of the paper as I announce the bet is now I'm down $400. Yes, sir. And Tampa Bay is still in first, and there's three more weeks. Last week, they blew a 14 nothing lead in the

first half to cincinnati i did not know that because i was on a plane that had no wi-fi so i just eventually saw that they lost terribly and i'm like oh man but i had no idea they were 14 nothing well it's getting out of hand. This is getting to where it's really affecting my family's finances. Sorry. I bet your Christmas is going to suck. Sorry, kids. Next week, they're playing the Arizona Cardinals and giving.

Oh, you got this. How is it that we're giving four points to the cardinals you because you're a first place team you're killing it we're less than 500 we're under 500 oh yeah oh god i love it i love it i'm just wondering whether i should double the bet just because i kind of have to at this point. So, wow, I didn't even put it together. I mean, today's Christmas. They're playing today?

All those NFL teams, Christmas Day? No, Christmas week, I think they usually play games on Saturday as well. I think they do a couple games over the weekend. I could be wrong. Oh, wow. Yeah, look at me. Real sports guy. They're all on saturday yeah they're all right so it's already the fun thing is oh no no sorry buccaneers cardinals sunday night christmas night in arizona oh that's gonna ruin my fucking christmas i can't wait do i go 100 do i go 100 it feels like the right thing to do because i just they can't keep losing this much he's the savior

this is his day three games he's christ-like um okay but you But you are that day. Maybe you tell your kids, you bet $100, you tell your kids, don't take the toys or gifts out of their wrappers. Just keep them in there until around 10 o'clock tonight. How old do you think my children are? My kids' toys? Yeah. We got my son

I'm gonna hold on to the batteries I'm gonna hold on to the batteries we're not gonna put them in your toys until we get a result of this game we we bought him a flask here's what my son got this year because we exchanged gifts last night since we're leaving town and we didn't want to bring the

gifts to New York so my son got a flask from my wife. He got a recipe book for drinks from my daughter. And he got an ice cube maker for mixed drinks. Like, yeah, we're kind of honing in on his personality at this point. Nice. All from an alcoholic dad. All right, let's go to International. You got it, pal.

I thought this story was interesting. I thought this story was interesting. Overrun Amsterdam targets sex and drugs tourists with, quote, stay away campaign. The latest round of proposed measures includes initiatives targeting troublesome tourist behavior, such as limiting the number of river cruises, implementing earlier closing times for bars, clubs and window brothels and banning cannabis smoking in certain parts of the city. Well, I think it's going to work. This sounds like a drag now. Another part of the initiative focuses on, quote, actively discouraging international visitors with plans to go wild in Amsterdam, which has been dubbed as the Stay Away campaign. Wow. Yeah.

A victim of their own success. I have an idea where they can stop this behavior and make up for the lost revenue. You set up 200 cameras on the streets and a website called Watch Your Man in Amsterdam. And the hidden cameras are in brothels, ATMs. Anybody would log on just to watch the depravity in Amsterdam on any given night. Yeah, man. I think that's a good idea. Now, the window brothels are where you literally go window shopping?

Yeah, I was in Amsterdam once. I've never been to Amsterdam. They have curtains, and they're like standing in a room with a bed, and they stand at the window, and they're wearing like negligee. And then if you like them, you go ring their doorbell. You go inside. They close the curtain. And then I imagine you have intercourse and fellatio with them. Huh.

And then you pay them money, and then you leave, and they open the curtains back with them. Huh. And then you pay them money and then you leave and they open the curtains back up again. Wow. I don't believe they changed the sheets. So you want to go early in the day. Every Amsterdam story

I've heard, almost all of them are the person has gotten over-served with marijuana and has a freak out oh yeah yeah there's a lot like uh what is it hash bars i guess whatever it is there they get in over their head uh stoned and walking around the city and trying to sue themselves by looking at the rivers and

stuff like that the canals i guess yeah well i wonder how many other cities in europe allow uh prostitution and cannabis right i don't know is europe going the way of america where we recreational weed is becoming i think so i I guess so. I think this kind of, you know, listen, the opiate of the masses is now literally opiate. It's the drugs. The drugs of the masses is drugs. That's what happened. None of people are religious.

So the government's like, yeah, man, please get high. Because if you're really feeling what you're going through right now, it's not going to be good. No. Yeah. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. All right, let's get to this day in history. There it is.

Obviously, the top story of this day in history we're not going to cover because we all know that sweet little baby was born under a star, and his mother was a virgin. His mother never had sex she had a baby through mine there was a spirit in the sky that knocked her up and the real miracle was that joseph didn't kick her out in the street for being a whore Mary, the first surrogate. So the other story is 1914. Just after midnight on Christmas morning, the majority of German troops engaged in World War I cease firing their guns and artillery and commence to sing Christmas carols. At certain points along the eastern and western fronts, the soldiers of Russia, France, and Britain

even heard brass bands joining the Germans in their joyous singing. Wow. At first, the Allied soldiers feared it was a trick, but seeing the Germans unarmed, they climbed out of their trenches and shook hands with the enemy soldiers. The men exchanged presents of cigarettes and plum pudding and sang carols and songs. There was even a documented case of soldiers from opposing sides playing a good-natured game of soccer. called Christmas Truce of 1914 came only five months after the outbreak of war and was one of the last examples of the outdated notion of chivalry between enemies in warfare. So that's kind of a magic thing that happened. Well, it clearly had a lasting effect. I mean, the Germans were still gregarious and just wishing everybody, you know, tidings of joy about 20 years later. Yeah, it's amazing how the Germans really learned their lesson from World War I, you know? Yeah.

They really leaned into the Christian thing in World War II. Yes. They really leaned away. Anyone who didn't celebrate Christmas, the Germans were furious at. Yes, yes. Fury or furious furious yes um well this reminds me this is not a joke but this reminds me of argentina up to zero they're all crying and i mean what a. And your game isn't even half over. Like, how do you go back in those trenches the next day and try to kill each other? Yeah.

I don't even know how that happens. You've just put a human face on the experience and literally bonded. Yeah. And, you know, most American wars have been about bombing and killing people of other colors. And that's what's so unique about the world wars is it was white people killing white people. And those days are over. Now it's just purely exploiting and destroying and and and helping other third world countries kill kill themselves. Yeah, it's got Merry Christmas, everybody. There it is again. Let's do's got a lot more. Merry Christmas, everybody. There it is again.

Let's do some letters to the editor. Touché. I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but you guys talked about cutting off your nose to spite your face with regards to that movie. I'm never using that phrase again. Go ahead. That movie was The Banshees of Inushira.

Mike was saying he was cutting off his fingers to spite colin farrell's character not to spite himself that just isn't true i've watched three times now oh i think it's the best movie of the year and he's just using colin farrell's character as an excuse to cut off his fingers he's actually doing it because he realizes he'll never write a great song and he's never going to be a genius, but at least he'll have an excuse if he's missing most of his fingers. Huh? Wow. That's from Andy. Well, you know, there's well, we shouldn't spoil it, but the sister kind of speaks to that a little bit during the movie. The movie has kind of

stayed with me. It might be that slow pace and the beautiful setting. I want to watch it again. I don't watch a lot of movies twice, but, you know, right away. But I think I'm going to watch that one again. Colin Farrell is so good in it. Yeah.

Yeah, he's amazing. I have not gone back to that Cannibal movie, although my youngest, oddly, is telling me, you know, it's a love story and apparently it's very good i mean it has the top people you know in hollywood behind the scenes and in front of the camera so um but i think i think he could win an oscar because you know according to the like uh pineapple express not pineapple express um what was the movie with ben stiller where uh robert downey jr went into blackface yeah yeah

yeah uh i'll get in a second right so he's like uh tropic thunder thunder and uh and he said you know if you want to win an oscar you got to go retard, but don't go full tard. And Colin Farrell's character is, I don't know if you'd call him mentally disabled, but he's slow. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That must be so confusing for the woke crew when they see that scene of a man in blackface saying the word retarded. It's like, wait, where do I even start? Yeah, yeah.

I think retarded gets a pass when he's in blackface. This is from Michael Osborne. I bet everything thought then, what? I bet everyone thought that when Will Smith said, you keep my wife's name out of your mouth, that it was an original line. Will said it March 2022, one month earlier, February 4th, 2022, on the first episode of Reacher on Amazon Prime. of Reacher on Amazon Prime. In the first minute, the actor Malcolm Gladwell,

Malcolm Goodwin, says to the actor Alan Richardson, who's playing Jack Reacher, you keep my wife's name out of your mouth. I would like to suggest that Will Smith saw that episode the night before the Oscars and thought it was a great line. Michael Osborne. Interesting.

Well. That is some coincidence if it's unrelated so I'm with I'm with Michael on this yeah fuck but I think it was you know I think he was also going ghetto for lack of a better expression but that's the shortest way to say it. And I think that's why he screamed it so specifically like that twice, twice. And, you know, cause it's a, you know, he's, I think he's self-conscious about sort of, you know, everyone would call DJ Jazzy, you know, like just the whitest rap. And, and he's been anyway, whatever.

I think he did that on purpose. But that's interesting. If that aired. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get to the funny wanted. Oh, the funnies. The funnies. We're moving this along.

Moving it along. Quick one today, folks. This is Hager the Horrible. And he's walking through a snowstorm with Lucky. He goes, this is the only time of the year when I miss not having a 9-to-5 job. Lucky goes, why? And Hager goes, I never get to go to an office Christmas party. Can you imagine Hager the Horrible at an office Christmas party? Can you imagine HR dealing with Hager the Horrible at a Christmas party?

I mean, usually someone spikes the punch. He rapes. That's a way different thing. Hager, yeah. The entire marketing division is going into HR on Monday about all the rape at the Christmas party. Yeah. The entire marketing division is going into HR on Monday about all the rape at the Christmas party. Yeah. He's sitting in his cubicle on Monday and it's like, Hager the Horrible to the human resources, please. Again. And he just has to sit there and go, look, look at my job application.

I wrote my name hagger the horrible you hired me what did you expect exactly yeah right hey how about this guy here and uh they just the new york times while i'm here in new york it was front page that guy i should know his name i put it in here somewhere he ran for office out on long island one and it was part of the big story about how new york went red for the first time in many places his whole resume was a lie he said he worked at goldman sachs there's no record he said he was like honors somewhere there's no record of them at that school. And it's like, if you lied on your McDonald's resume, it sounds like the Chris Rock bit, like Marion Barry, when he was the mayor of Washington, D.C., and he did crack.

And then he was reelected. He got his job back. It's like, if you work at Wendy's, wasn't that Chris Rock's routine? If you work at Wendy's and you do crack, you're fired. You're not hired back ever. Right, right, right. If you lie on a resume to any job, you are fired as soon as they find that out. Well, hey, look.

He can still go to Washington? Donald Trump said that he had like all A's in college and then he sued the college when they were going to release his grades. You know, his resume was a little, little sticky also. Oh, my God, yeah. Let's get to George Santos is the guy's name. Yes, George Santos. The Lockhorns, Leroy and Loretta, are standing in front of a fire and a Christmas tree. And Loretta opens up a present, and it's like a weird doll.

And she goes, I know it's the thought that counts, Leroy, but what were you thinking? I like it. And now it's Christmas night. Leroy is about to carve the turkey, and he goes, I'm going to stand back while I carve the gravy. That's a good one. I like it.

Oh, God. Wait. How did a family circus wind up in here? Chris put this in? I guess so. All right. I'm not reading the caption. I'm looking at the picture.

It's the Christmas tree in the family living room, and they are trimming the tree. They are decorating it and putting ornaments on. Everyone has boxes open with ornaments. The dad's putting on tinsel. And in the foreground, you have the two redheaded kids, the sister and the brother. It's Billy and Sally. The sister's pie hole is open.

And she is holding a box. And she is saying something to the fat redheaded kid. And all right. It's tournaments. I'm trying to think it's probably a mispronunciation of ornaments. Like be careful with these tournaments. They're going to break. I feel bad even saying that it's so lame,

but all right, let's see what it is. It's better than what's there. No, that can't be. Here it is. It's better than what's there. No, that can't be. Here it is. It's a lot more fun decorating than it is undecorating. Oh, my God.

Like, you're right. Mine was better. Yeah. It's atrocious. It's atrocious. And look at the faces on the parents. They never, ever smile. They are miserable with these stupid, flat, uninteresting children that they've bred.

They have these. Yeah. These are the worst kids, of course. And I would be like, I mean, imagine living in such an unfunny comic. I would never smile. The artist couldn't even put one on my face. Yeah. Yeah. Try putting a funny one on my face. Yeah, yeah. Try putting a funny line in my mouth. Try that first. Then I'll smile. I think he draws it on a computer and the computer reads the caption and auto-corrects the facial expressions to bored. Well, wait.

Couldn't AI? I mean, isn't AI writing everything now it's writing beyonce songs it's doing it's it's making us all look as like ai could write this now it's amazing what ai is right ai writes beyonce songs all right you do next week or whenever we're doing this show again i am going to find these AI examples. Oh, it was like NPR was doing a thing and it was like, so could AI write a Beyonce song? And the guy's like, of course, like, like, yeah, like obviously in two seconds. And he's like, what should it be about? So the journalist goes, I don't know, love. And he's like, that's too easy. And he's like, okay, cheeseburgers. The AI wrote a Beyonce song about cheeseburgers using all of her typical writing

you know uh styles and and she recorded it no no no i'm just saying it produces it in seconds but it could be like can you write an apology letter uh to my mom because i didn't go home for christmas ai is going to write that letter well Well, you know, you can get papers in college written by AI that are perfect grammar and factual and annotated and well-constructed. And they're like, it's over. It's all over. Why are we spending money sending our kids to college? And they're all using that shit. They all cheat their asses off. It's all over. Why are we spending money sending our kids to college? And they're all using that shit.

They all cheat their asses off. My son took a class in wine appreciation last semester. Did I tell you that? No, good thing he got a flask. Looks like he's going to have to get a decanter now. Jesus Christ. Wine appreciation. Meanwhile, AI is going to rat on all of them. I wrote his paper.

Right. Yeah. All right. The far side. I was looking for my favorite far side, which I'll try to find for next week. But I love there's there's a couple where women have outrageously big hair and I like them. But anyway, this one is woman is in a castle and this round, you know, type of castle. And she has she's sitting at a desk and she round, you know, type of castle. And, uh, she has,

she's sitting at a desk and she's doing her hair and it is the largest hot red or orange Afro you've ever seen. And she's looking towards the window where you see noise coming in the window and it's Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. But she just did it in the biggest fro possible. I love the facial. By the way, in the original, did Rapunzel let her hair down and a guy fucking pulled on it and pulled himself up by her scalp? I, yeah. I mean, I i think so i think that's the story

jesus yeah i don't know how that helps them how the hell do they get out are they both then trapped up there yeah right exactly oh you know what he could this is almost like one of those riddles he could let her down as long as he's pulling her hair. He could slowly let her down by just, you know, shimmying. She's shimmying down as he's holding her hair. But then he's stuck up there. Then he's stuck up there. He could tie her hair to something in the room and then he could slide down her hair.

And then I guess they cut her hair. There, I just solved the riddle wow all right yeah speaking of riddles blondie and dagwood are still together and in this comic uh they are standing there and he's got on a red sweater for christmas and she has on uh a a kelly green skirt with a light green sweater. She looks delightful. And he says, I've tested out our LED Christmas lights. And then he goes, now it's time to test out the mistletoe. There's mistletoe above their head.

He bends her down almost to the ground. And there's a big kiss icon. And then in the next one, she's sitting on the floor with hearts around her head. And she goes, boy, that's some great mistletoe. And he goes, you're welcome. And he walks off. Who the fuck is that guy?

What? What? And you're welcome? He spikes the mic after it? Greg, it seems like you might have stayed there a little longer and done a little more with your wife. It seems to me that that's called foreplay. The mistletoe

is what gets you into the camel tail. Oh, God. Hey, now. Hey, now. Oh, boy. All right. Well, listen. Merry Christmas once again and a special happy holidays to all our friends at

Midcoast Media absolutely Key and Steve and Jimmy it's a big holiday for the Christian right it's a big holiday for the Christian right John Christian right

yes and thank you guys this year for listening this is our last podcast of the year we're gonna take off next week for New Year's Eve

and we're gonna come back to you the first week of January with our annual predictions we'll pay off last year's predictions see who is more correct

in all of our predictions for the year and make new ones for 2023 yup and I wanna thank you guys for all the support this year telling your friends see who is more correct in all of our predictions for the year and make new ones for 2023. Yep. And I want to thank you guys for all the support this year, telling your friends about the show, giving us nice shout outs on Apple podcasts, et cetera.

Yeah. Thank you so much. We had a blast. We had a fun year. And we'll come back to you next year even stronger, even better better i'm gonna get my audio done correctly i'm thrown when i'm in a in a darkly lit dimly lit romantically lit hotel room maybe start wearing some proper makeup who me or you you oh why is it not proper right now no you were complaining about your face when we started the podcast. Oh, yeah.

I got to ice it because I've been enjoying some spirits. How much is a cocktail in New York these days? Well, it's not as much. Honestly, it's not as much as Santa Monica. LA has lost its mind. Yeah. Last night I wound up in, I never mind. Well, whatever.

I'll tell it. If you're in New York, go into Grand Central Station, which is amazing at Christmas anyway. And there is a bar in the upper corner of the big, great room. The Oyster House, right? Well, no. Yeah, the Oyster House is there. Well, no, the yeah, the oyster is there. But the Campbell apartments, the Campbell apartment, which was literally an apartment of this guy, Campbell, and it's a bar now and it is the best setting. It's it's it's like this hotel room. It's dimly lit. It's old. It feels like if you took a photo in there, it'd be like, oh, this is really, truly authentically, it seems like from the 30s or 40s. Nice.

Yeah, it's great. It's really great. And then you dropped into Tom's Old Haunt in Little Italy for a drink. And so I take a selfie showing Tom that I'm in Milano's, one of the oldest bars, if not the oldest bar on Houston. And that's his favorite thing. It's like absolutely a hallway. When you walk in to your right is chairs of a bunch of drunks to the left is a wall and you have no joke about two feet. Yeah. You have to shimmy down the bar. Yeah. Maybe two and a half feet between the backs of the chairs and the wall. And then it opens up just a little bit, not much, in the back.

And then there's, you know, like a high top table and stuff. So anyway, Tom goes, I'm right on the wall where you're standing. And so I looked on the wall forever. I couldn't find the picture of him, but I found an old man on the wall. And I said, found you. And I sent him that picture. Yeah, I spent a lot of nights in that bar with him. We had a lot of good times.

All right, listen, happy holidays. The best part about not going with Tom to that bar is that you are not hearing the 20 Patti Smith songs that he puts on the jukebox. Right. That's the best part. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays, everybody. Happy New Year, too. Happy New Year. part all right we'll see you guys next week happy holidays happy holidays everybody happy new year too happy new year and take it ish 2022 dang it ish you're all about the weekly news well, Greg and Mike keep us amused By telling jokes, try not to lie We'll fact-check them some other time Extra, extra Read all about it Show will soon begin

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