Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 153 2/26/23

Episode Date: February 26, 2023

Reports from the Springsteen concert and Dylan museum in Tulsa, a rain report on LA and snippets from the Kreischer tour. An alligator is found in Brooklyn, a day care worker is busted dosing the kids on Melatonin and fat kids are banned from a ride at Universal. And Gubbins got knee surgery.

It's Sunday Papers, with alcohols and family, a lot of circus. Greg's in love with... It's Sunday Papers with Mike and Greg. And we're going to clap in in seven. There he is on six and a quarter. Three, two, one. And then we are off to the races. Read all about it.

There he goes. Read all about it. Hot news coming in. Coming in from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Lots of news from Tulsa. Tulsa, living on Tulsa time. Good morning, everybody, or whenever you listen to this. Whose song was that, Living on Tulsa Time?

No idea. Was it Bob Seger? I wonder if this porn machine can give an answer like that. Let's see. I'm not a huge fan of Bob Seger. I just always wonder what he's so excited about. No, he's good. He has a lot of non-excited

songs. Tulsa Time. Eric Clapton, my man. Oh. I mean, I think Don Williams. Night Moves is one of the greatest songs of all time. Good lord. Danny Flowers. How many names am I going to read affiliated with Tulsa Time? But I think i'm going to katmandu is up there with the they built this city on rock and roll it's one of the worst songs of all time me

yeah me and pam were listing the worst songs of all time and i forgot katmandu oh wow all right yeah i mean there's so many really bad songs oh my god i was a younger kid i went out to dinner this week with some friends who i had hired on tosh so that really dates it way back and anyway and he was a young kid so he as a good song no yeah he was talking about a younger kid than he and you know of course every generation is shitting on the next and their lack of appreciation for things and he said like some young kid was like this song song is amazing. It's like, yeah, of course it's amazing. And I'm waiting for the joke. Yeah. Susu's studio is lunacy. Well, you know, uh, Billy Joel is another one who is capable of making, you know, ethereal, perfect songs.

And he also made Uptown Girl and a handful of other really shitty songs. And, uh, there's a TV show called TV show called The Last of Us on HBO. Have you seen that? Have you heard about it? Of course. Yeah, I'm waiting for it to accumulate and then I'm going to binge it. But they rely heavily on Billy Joel songs. Oh, is that what happened?

Like Billy Joel got popular again and everyone on earth killed themselves? Except a boy and a man or a girl and a man or whatever that cliche is also? It's a girl and a man. And it's very good. It's very good. We like it. I don't like it. Look, it's a... Is this based on The Road by Cormac McCarthy, which I have yet to read, but it's on my list. It feels a lot like a Cormac McCarthy. Speaking of which, there's another show called The Americans that really feels like Cormac McCarthy because it's actually set at the turn of the 19th century in the West.

I don't know if it's called the Americans. Isn't that the. Oh, it's called the. It's called the England. It's called Englanders, I think. Oh, Englanders. Yeah. It's with John Krasinski's wife.

What's her name? I forget. Here we go. And we're off to not knowing. We get so much shit about this, but we're trying. We really are trying. She's, I forget, far more important things than her name. Yeah.

Emily Blunt. Yeah. She's goddamn gorgeous, by the way. You know what I liked her in? Did you ever see? Oh, yeah. I think we might have seen it together. The Edge of Tomorrow with Tom Cruise.

Talk about like a video game. Was that old? That's not based on a video game. I don't want to give it away, but Tom Cruise. Give it away. Give it away. Give it away now. Tom Cruise is a soldier, and it opens in London. I think anyway, he knows this big maneuver,

this trick move is going to happen in war and he's trying to save everybody. I don't want to say more than that. I loved it. I think, I think we saw in the theater, I think Aaron, I think we all went. Yeah, that sounds familiar. Edge of Tomorrow, and it's very well done. And anyway, she's a badass in that. She's like ripped. Like I think she had lifted a lot for it because she plays a badass. Should we spare people to talk about rain in LA?

Because I'm sure they've heard enough about it. But suffice to say or suffice to say? I would go with suffice. Okay, suffice to say, I'm to say i would go with suffice okay suffice to say i'm in my office two days ago and i hear this fucking pounding and i i walk outside there are hailstones the size of nipples falling on the ground and there was a coating of fucking sleet in L.A. Yeah. Crazy. Have you seen how much snow is just, you know, 50 miles, 40 miles from here?

It's a ton. Well, just north of San Francisco, where Gubbins is from, was blanketed in snow, Mill Valley. That whole area north of San Francisco got covered. And the L.A. River, you just go on Twitter, and it's trending, L.A. rain, and you'll see pretty crazy images. People standing on their car on a freeway

because basically the car is in a river. Yeah. And has gotten into their car, and it's higher than the door of their car, in a river. Yeah. And and has gotten into their car and it's higher than the door of their car. But way higher. I did four shows last night, drove all over L.A. in the fucking driving rain, blistering wind, blistering. Yeah, why not? Blowing wind. And and you know what? It was sold out. Every show I was at was sold out. That's amazing. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I was hoping it was still raining a lot today, so I'm going hiking right after this. That's why I wanted to do it a little earlier. Really? Yeah. I'm going up to Malibu. There's a place, Escondido Falls, and when it rains, it's insanity. Oh, nice. Now, last night I checked and all the roads around it were closed. Yeah. And now there's this surprise

sun as we're doing this on Saturday at 1130 in the a.m. And so maybe that's my opportunity again. But rain is coming back this afternoon. I had one of the busier weeks of my life. I spent the first part of the week on the Bert Kreischer tour, living on a tour bus, which I don't know if you've ever done. Have you ever been on a tour bus? I mean, no. I've never spent a night on one. I've gone on to talk to

talent and stuff it's surreal blow some musicians i mean you see how it happens you see how people get laid on tour buses because you go in your bunk and it's got like a wall that just closes and you got total privacy and you sleep like a fucking baby because it's pitch black and the bus is moving and you just fall right to sleep. It's amazing. Yeah. But you can't shit on the bus. And so they do a thing called a hot bag where you you take a plastic bag into the toilet and you shit into that. Then you throw it out the window.

Called a hot bag. Wait a minute. They're not really doing that, then you throw it out the window. Called a hot bag. Wait a minute. They're not really doing that, are they? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait, there's a rule? No shit? But you can.

I mean, there's a toilet. Yeah. And they throw the excrement out onto the street? Yes. Okay, okay. Well, I'm glad it was in Florida, where that's the norm. Yep. And I took one shower in five days,

because there was no showering on the bus. No hot showers? You don't pour the shit all over your head? We had showers available. You can see I'm wearing the Tampa Bay Lightning. We performed at the Tampa Bay Lightning Arena, 15,000 people. And we worked out in the training facility that the Tampa Bay Lightning work out at. And then they had showers there, so we showered.

And it was great. We had great cook. They had these great craft services people making good food. We ran around Savannah, Georgia. It was great. We had a great cook. Yeah, they had these great craft services people making good food. We ran around Savannah, Georgia. It was gorgeous. I don't know if you've ever been there before. No, I have to. That's a big one that I've missed along the way.

Really nice town. We bought some expensive cigars, did a lot of cigar smoking. Went to the Daytona 500. Oh, my God. Daytona 500 was so goddamn boring. Oh, really? It's a giant left turn. Everybody is just turning.

And then all of a sudden, with like 45 minutes left, they all start going for it. And then there's tons of pileups, and it gets really fun. Right. So how was it doing stand stand up in the stadiums? It was fun. It was fun. It was like, I mean, 15,000 people, you would just assume that you're going to crush. But stand up needs low ceilings. And we're in arenas with very high ceilings. And so you would find out afterwards that you killed like everybody like, Oh my God,

you fucking destroyed. And it didn't feel like that on stage. It just felt like you were doing good, but not great. I can't believe that they, I'm not, I'm not singling you out at all. I would imagine just getting their attention.

I mean, this is a crowd that is by definition bert's followers who party yeah and this is a real event for them uh they tailgate like it's not like usual stand-up these people tailgate they pre-game and then when they come in they're meeting up with friends and i think they could give a shit no matter who's on stage before them very respectful extremely respectful and wow because i think that burt has always bought amazing acts on the road with him so i think that's become part of the experience of seeing who who burt brought like his last story bought mark norman he bought um uh. He bought Shane Gillis, who's like the hardest guy in the business to follow right now.

And he stacks the deck before he goes on, which I really respect. Yeah. And so we did a lot of that. And it was fun. It was a blast. I would do it again in a heartbeat. And then you were home for a few days, and then we hit Tulsa. I was not home for a few days.

I went straight there. Oh, my God, that's right. I totally spaced, right? You weren't on the flight with Tom and myself. Yeah, I went straight there and met up with you guys. And we saw Springsteen and Tulsa, which you were 100% right. We all panicked and bought tickets in advance, and I think I paid $250 for my ticket.

And you were like, just wait, just wait. We could have paid $6 and sat in the exact same seats because we basically moved down to the floor. And there was the mosh pit, and then we were me and Pete Scott sat and Jack sat three rows back from the mosh pit, which were, you know, would have been thousand dollar tickets. How did you guys get on the floor? There was nobody checking. We just walked in. We tried to get into the pit and they checked there.

They wouldn't. Tom, Tom tried to get in four times and they kept sending him back he kept saying just let an old man in yeah the whole place was filled with old men i know they looked at him like you're not that old but bruce brought it was filled with crying old men i i cried no less than 11 times during the concert. I was so moved. And I would have cried a lot more, except I was standing next to Pete, who was not crying. And I started to feel like a little bitch. I was like, I was like turning my head and wiping the tears away. Well, you know, part of it is, I think you and I are more, you know, maybe more sensitive than people.

But also there's a nostalgia. Like, to me, it's just I don't know. I mean, hold on. We were also on shrooms and weed. And Adderall. I didn't do that. And so it's easy, especially, you know, I know we didn't like full blown, full blown shroom, but it's easy for your mind to run away with something, but you're running away with something that's very real. Like tremendous odds are like during this song, I'm like, well, this is goodbye.

Like I'll never, you know, I don't think I'll ever see him again. You know what I mean? And, and it blows up even the bigger that I live during this time. And I think of all the musicians that this guy was influenced by and that all the people that he has influenced and then he'll sling the guitar around his shoulder. And then that's so iconic. And, you know, and you just think of all that generation, all the guys born in the 40s, which is the biggest names in rock and roll ever, are going to be gone, you know, soon. on another level, it just, it reminded me of being a grounded teenager. I was always grounded. I was always getting into trouble. And I can just remember sitting in my room and I had my Bruce albums and I would put them on in rotation and I'd be sitting in my room and Bruce would be

singing about like tires squealing and having sex in the woods and the mud and teenage angst and wanting to get out of this town. And it just all is exactly how I was feeling at that time. And that music, like Bruce spoke to me like, no, but like the way Dylan speaks to you, that music like bruce spoke to me like no but like the way dylan speaks to you i think bruce has always spoken to me and uh it would just like certain lines that he would say would he would say them and i was like oh here it comes here it comes and then i've just fucking start crying oh yeah i mean for me at one point i'm like, which is absolutely true. Hold on. I'm looking up. Is, listen, for any of the listeners who don't know about Springsteen, this must be absolutely painful.

But what I would say to you is this is John Steinbeck with a guitar. And that's my favorite part about Bruce is I think now darkness on the edge of town so just go if you're if you're willing if you're open enough to be like what are these how could you possibly cry during this concert or um what what is it about him that's so moving like in other words if people were talking about absolutely falling apart during a Kendrick Lamar concert I'd be so interested in what that was. You know what I mean? And if you go to like, just go to darkness. So he played Badlands as an alt. Do you know that all the nerds then chimed in? They saw the guys, the people I was sitting with, they saw the conversation that happens and they know that's where he usually pulls an alt. And then they saw

the very quick guitar changes that all of them had to make to do the song and badlands wasn't on the original list and that's kind of one of my that's one of my favorites and uh but if you just listen to that that that album is just an artist and it doesn't even matter what artist but it's like an artist who has fully found his voice. Yes. It's the album After Born to Run, and it strips it down, less produced sound, but it's a guy who just knows what he wants to talk about, and you hear it in the driving first song. So anyway, people who aren't into it,

go- There's a documentary about the making- That's track one on darkness. There's a documentary about the making one on darkness there's a documentary about the making of darkness on the edge of town because he was in a fight with the publishing company about his uh uh his um them owning his music yeah it was a three-year break yeah so he refused to put out any music for three years and so he rented a beach house and the entire band sat in his beach house for nine fucking months. And they worked out.

By contrast, Dylan once put out an album called The Other Side of Bob Dylan. And he did it all in one night to record the entire album one night. Bruce spent nine months recording Darkness on the Edge of Town. And it's got heavy biblical it's heavy biblical references. It's heavy. And yet it's so moving and aspirational. Anyway, enough about Bruce. People, people don't like it. Let's talk about the Dylan Museum. That'll get them. Here's my review of the Dylan Museum. It's, it's very much like Dylan. Dylan Museum. It's very much like Dylan. It's inaccessible. A lot of people will not go there because it's in Tulsa. It's not linear. It's not always chronological. And it's more like this

mosaic or montage. And because of that, it's very artful. It's incredibly artful. It's exhaustive. And because of all this, honestly, if you went 10 times, you'd find something new every single time. And there was stuff in there that like, yeah, I like that you walk in and you immediately sit down and there's like a 15 minute great film that gets you into it. Which is also sort of all over the place. You know what I mean? It wasn't like then in the 60s. It wasn't that way. Like an artist made that thing. Yeah. And what the great thing they have is a headphone with this little iPhone kind of thing you hold in your hand. And when you go up to each installation at the exhibit, there's like a glowing button that you hold your contraption up to. And it launches like a two or three minute little narrative on what you're looking at. And if you're sick of it, you just move on. You're not stuck there. It's really well thought out.

A lot of museums had them, but what's interesting about this is, when you pressed it on a live performance from Newport in 65, or from the D.A. Pennebecker's movie, or Scorsese, and you're getting this amazing performance, or you're getting an outtake from Nashville Skyline. The great thing is you can then just walk away and look at all this other stuff while you have this amazing song playing. It's not like in a museum they're talking about water lilies and you have that playing is now you're going over there and looking at sunflowers or, you know, whatever. Like this, this had a different quality to it, which was really cool. Yeah.

And how about the little creative notebooks and shit? Yes. I mean, the thing that was great about him is like you hear certain writers or artists or like Seinfeld is like, you have to write on a yellow legal pad. That's the only way you can write. It has to you have to write on a yellow legal pad. That's the only way you can write. It has to be a blue pen on a yellow legal pad. Dylan would write on fucking matchbook covers, scraps of paper, hotel notebooks.

He would type. They showed the typewriter that he wrote on. I mean, he just was, he was nonstop. I mean, all he did was fucking write. Yeah. No, it was all he did. It was, it wasstop. I mean, all he did was fucking right. Yeah, it, it, no, it was all he did. It was,

it was crazy. You know, they have the footage of him with the typewriter in his room as chaos is going on in his hotel room. Yeah. Right. Like musicians playing people's great. And they, and they didn't even show like famous scenes from, uh, don't look back where like there are fights in the room behind him. And then the hotels come up to complain and tell him to keep that and he's typing away. Yeah. But what about little things like you would see, like all of a sudden there was, I don't know if you saw this, there was one napkin or piece of paper and he had,

what's his name's address on Sunset Avenue? Lenny Bruce. Yeah, Lenny Bruce name's address on Sunset Avenue? Lenny Bruce. Yeah, Lenny Bruce's address right on Sunset Avenue. And for his earliest or maybe first trip to LA and all these other people that he was told to see and stuff. Yeah. What about the flight back? Okay.

No, I put that in there because, all right, so we are both on the same flight back from Tulsa and we have separate seats, but we're like, you didn't sleep though. I like crashed immediately and then whatever. And then we land and you are waiting outside in the terminal now when we've gotten back in from the gate. And you were talking to the woman I could see who you were sitting next to, and she's kind of like teary-eyed. And then you guys hug goodbye. Yes. And then I walk up and you're like, oh, are you not hugging the person who sat next to you on the plane? You're not hugging that?

And I'm like, the Chinese guy who went immediately to sleep and coughed through his mask. And I'm like, now I know why you're wearing a mask. This guy totally had COVID. And, uh, and then, uh, so you have headphones around your neck, but you then tell me her story, which was tragic. Yeah. She had flown in for a funeral of a paraplegic. It was her cousin who was a paraplegic who had been driving or being driven from Florida to California. It was like his life wish. And he had medical complications and died in Tulsa. And so the body was there for a week. He was on life support for a week and she had

just been out there for the week and sitting with him. And he he he'd been paraplegic for quadriplegic. I'm sorry. For 16 years, met a woman who married him like after he was already paraplegic, quadriplegic. And so now she's left with nothing because she hasn't had a job. They were living off his disability, which goes away when he dies. So she's dealing with all of that. So she was very, yeah, she was, she'd had a rough week. So you told me all that. I'm standing there.

I'm like, what was that? And you tell me the quadriplegic and then all the benefits go away and she's there. He was on life support for you. You just go through it all. And all I do was tap your headphones. I'm like, do these not work? Which is the difference between you and me. I mean, I'm too nice to actually do that.

But that's all I'd be thinking is, God, I really miss these. These are noise canceling. And that's the most incredible noise I've ever heard. She's coming to the show. St. Patrick's day. I told her she needs to cheer up. So she's going to come to the, uh, to the show. Oh God. Now I can't do any of my quadriplegic material. Oh no. Oh, my God. This story is all I have. I don't have any other material.

I can't do that now. We want to give a shout-out to Dom Stuffles, who did a great logo. We think that it's Terminator 2, but let us know if that looks like Terminator 2 to you or if we're getting it wrong. Yeah, sci-fi fans. Also, the song, Jerome Strike Beats.

Did you like that? It's not RoboCop, is it? Could it be RoboCop? No, I don't think that's RoboCop. Okay, all right. It's a robot. Jerome Strike Beats, very cool song. Oh, very cool song.

I don't normally like auto-tune, but for that one, I'll give it a pass because it worked. We are looking for new logos and songs. Get out your pencil sets and your Photoshop and your instruments and send us your best effort at a Sunday paper song. We don't care if it's good. I think we've shown that over time. We care that it's got heart. No offense, man. We care that it's good. I think we've shown that over time. We care that it's got heart. No offense, man. We care that it's got enthusiasm.

That's all. Just show us your love. A couple corrections. I said that Erykah Badu was from Philly. I'm told by Grant that she's from Dallas. She still lives there. Her kids went to the same school as mine for a couple years. Check out her video for

the song Window Seat. She strips down in Dealey Plaza and is assassinated in the same area as Kennedy. I watched the video. Holy shit. She walks down the city street in a bra and panties then takes off the panties and the bra and then falls

to the ground on the spot that Kennedy was shot. One camera or were there multiple shooters? One camera. Ah, good one. Yeah. A lot of I should say a lot of people pointed this out. Edward Mason also pointed it out. Then DJ Will said Gibbons is incorrect. Patriots versus falcons was an overtime superbowl game i guess you said yeah that's why i hadn't been one so because i looked up pointed that out when i

was trying to get when i was trying to give you odds i googled it and i must have misread it obviously but they had said i thought they had said it never happened blah blah blah michael mulroy said you guys kept pronouncing that idiot senator's name like tuberville it's pronounced tuberville like tub of shit oh okay michael mulroy a little fucking loaded paul said i never thought i would write in with a correction but when you brought up how Pokemon are caught, I had to intervene. Nerd alert. The ignorance. First, it's all about tracking.

It takes an incredible amount of endurance, skill, and maybe, just maybe, a little luck. You simply use your phone to, I'm fucking with you. I don't know how you do it either. Love you guys. Thanks for the PokePod. Well done, Paul. You got me. Sucked us right in.

Like a $5 hooker at Fleet Week. Ryan says, hey Greg, I was listening to the latest podcast and noticed during the story about World War II Japanese internment camps, you used the word irregardless. I think you meant regardless. Irregardless

isn't a word. Too bad Yoko Ono wasn't captured and kept in one of those camps. Jesus. Oh, man. How would she have done in those camps, Yoko Ono? Well, she wouldn't have been the only one screaming like a lunatic. I don't know. Maybe she would have broken up some of the camps. A lot of people wrote in about the irregardless thing. Well, isn't irregardless, I thought it was a word,

but it seems like a useless one. Yeah. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. Irregardless, I'm coming to see you on the road. Got a bunch of new dates to announce. Philly, I'll be at Helium Comedy Club March 9th through the 11th. Those shows are going to sell out, so get your tickets in advance.

Los Angeles, the Hollywood Improv, St. Patrick's Day, Mike Gibbons will be performing. Dennis Gubbins will be performing. St. Louis, I'm coming to the Grandel, Grandel something, April 1st. That will be produced. That show will be produced by none other than Sunday Papers' own Chris Denman. He's producing the show. A two-time winner of the what award? The NAACP Image Award.

All right. Yeah. Congratulations to Chris. He works with Sherry Shepard and another woman. I forget. Kim Whitley. They're still going with the CP, huh? All right.

Yeah. Well. That's odd. Well, maybe I'm going to stop giving money to them then, and I'm just going to give it to the United Negro College Fund. Keep that award. It's going to be a collector's item that we're going to look back and like, wow. In 2020s,

they still used CP? Okay. Yeah. And they still gave awards to white men. Who knows? Maybe that'll increase. Also, just announced the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, April 13th to the 15th. I'll be in Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club, April 28th and 29th.

Columbia, Missouri, Blue Note, May 19th. Kansas City, Argosy Casino, May 20th. And Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. Hey, did Tulsa have a comedy club?. Hey, did Tulsa have a comedy club? What does? Did Tulsa have a comedy club? No. I did a theater there a couple months ago, though.

I did the Rodeo Cinema. I do see people, they play Keene's Ballroom, which we never made it to. What's Keene's Ballroom? It's a famous uh theater uh and and a type of uh music was sort of born out of it uh this tulsa this tulsa twist on country um denman is saying the loony bin comedy club is in tulsa all right maybe i'll go work that i like tulsa i do our friend pete scott fell in love with tulsa he was yeah raving about it they had you know we went to a very cool cocktail lounge uh the barbecue was

subpar um as it was the last time i was in tulsa there i don't think they have good barbecue oh wow okay but they have like an old timey looking city, but emerging from it is like a hipster scene. They're doing some major infrastructure where they're building like bike paths and bridges over the river. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Big time. I wish I had seen more. You know, it's the oddest thing about Tulsa is it's famous for its art deco architecture.

Yeah. it's famous for its art deco architecture. Yep. Which, that's really low on the list of guesses of what city is famous for its art deco architecture. And then the boy, we left, and then some of our friends, we went with, like, our best friends from college, and yours from high school. And they stayed for another night,

and they went to the casino. They went to the Hard Rock and lost a bunch of money. I think they might have gone to a strip club, but one of them is gay, so maybe not. Well, maybe a different type of strip club. Yeah. Maybe he went to a dress club where the women put on their clothes to music. Oh, the craziest thing. So our gay friend all of a sudden is talking to a gay

guy at the concert. Like he found him and they were having this conversation and it was very sweet. And then I got on the plane ride home and I was telling my seat mate that I was just at the Springsteen concert. And this guy turns around, he goes, I was there last night. And I go, and I was like, Mark, I go, I go, I'm Tom's friend. He's like, oh, he lit up. And he goes, oh, tell Tom I said hello. I mean, three quarters of that plane had to be coming from the concert. Yeah. It was like a charter flight.

On the way there, Tom and I were on the plane. And this one Springsteen fan who literally, I'm not making a joke, he had an inability. You could tell he was on the spectrum. He could not read a social cue if it slapped him in the face he would just tom and i are talking about something else he'd be like oh do you think he'll play and we're like dude he's like across the aisle and then another guy saw her this fucking guy so another nerd came and he's he's like did you get your europe tickets i'm like what and he's, he's like, did you get your Europe tickets?

I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, I'm seeing him in Italy, Switzerland, Germany. And I'm like,

no, I have not gotten those tickets yet. Yeah. Yeah. Tom's gay friend was on his way to Denver to see him and in two days. Yeah. Well, you know,

he's playing Portland tonight, Saturday night. And Portland has gotten so much snow in one day they got over 10 inches of snow in the city all these cars like are abandoned on the highway and stuff yeah well my gig in philly it ends uh i'm there on the 11th and on the 12th he's playing uh that the same indian casino that I'm playing the next month. So I'm thinking about taking a train from Philly up to Connecticut and going to the concert up there. Oh, wow.

Maybe some gay guys who can't read social cues will be on the train. I'll be good. Listen, we all get down sometimes. It happens. Right now, I'm on a high. Could be the shrooms still. That has a effect doesn't it mushrooms uh yeah you know i didn't really take in as much of the dylan museum as i thought because that was the next morning yeah and i think i was still just you know sort of spinning around but you get down and you got to reach out for help. There's no reason to sit and sit in your

depression. There's a place that you can reach out and do online therapy that I have found extremely helpful. I've talked to them just recently and it's very affordable. It's very easy to find somebody when you do it online. It's it's you can you can pick your own time. You're not commuting. You don't have to worry about traffic or any of that stuff. It's so it's so nice. You just sit. I got my laptop there. I got a notebook open. I'm taking notes about stuff that we're talking about. And and it just it just makes it so that you've got that time. A lot of us don't have

that extra 45 minutes to get to the appointment, 45 minutes to get home. It's just so easy. And, and again, it is, it is more affordable. So don't wait till something bad happens. So get, be proactive about your mental health. In many cases, you'll always wait. Like I remember, you know, all of us, this is like a therapy one-on-one. The one, the sessions you least wanted to go to were the ones you were most grateful for when you were walking out the door, you know? And, and there's never like, sometimes there you feel there's never enough reason or impetus to go, but I would just say, uh, why not try it? And it's almost a guarantee that you'll be happy. You did. try it and it's almost a guarantee that you'll be happy you did there's a nice thing they do also where you can text your which i do you text your therapist uh just you know you're having a hard time you want to reach out you want to touch base maybe you give them a progress report you accomplished a goal that you guys have talked about maybe trying to do together um it's uh it helps with any kind of problems if you you have specific challenges, they hone in on that.

They've got licensed therapists in over 40 specialties, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, relationship issues. So it's private. They use the latest end-to-end back-end encryption technology to store client information. It complies with HIPAA regulations. applies with HIPAA regulations. And so anyway, as a listener of this podcast, you're going to get $100 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com and use code PAPERS. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com,

use code PAPERS to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's PAPERS at Talkspace.com. Nice. Let's get to the front page. Oh, boy. Not too soon. Extra!

Extra! We all love it! Extra! I know. That was a 37-minute intro. Jesus. Lordy Lou. Well, we had a busy week. We had a 37-minute intro. Jesus. Lordy Lou. Well, we had a busy week.

We had a lot to talk about. Lordy Lou. But I think what we need to talk about now is... Brooklyn. There was a four-foot-long alligator pulled from a Brooklyn lake. Brooklyn, New York, on Sunday. It may have been an unwanted pet. It was found near an area of the park where children like to play.

It's not clear how the alligator found its way into the lake, but it's possible it was a pet that was released. I hope it wasn't a wanted pet. It's even more tragic. Thankfully, no one was harmed and the animal is being evaluated. In this case, the animal was found very lethargic and possibly cold shocked. The alligator is currently in rehabilitation in the Bronx Zoo. So, first of all, you think it's bad being an alligator in Brooklyn.

Imagine how he felt when they said, yeah, we're taking you to the Bronx. He's like, not the Bronx. I'll go back to Florida, not the Bronx. Meanwhile, he was already so bummed because everyone in Brooklyn wants to be in Manhattan. But it's like even this alligator can't afford it. Right. And he was not the only one wearing alligator in Brooklyn that weekend. At least 35 guys named Alphonse who like to say they know somebody also had on alligator.

But it made me think immediately. Uh, there was a story and I, I saw it attributed to Texas at one point, but then Florida anyway, it was in the New York post in August and it was an alligator that was caught in Florida with a knife sticking in its head. I put the picture there. Do you see it? Oh, that's so sad. That's what I, well, okay. Of course it looks very sad. The picture is of an alligator head, typically like you'll see it, you know, uh, just on the surface of the water. And there is a, a giant knife stuck right between its eyes, sticking straight up like an odd dorsal fin on its head. And, um, but I'm imagining that Gator ate the person that implanted that knife there. Yes. Yeah. It kind of tells a story.

There was no guy who pulled the knife out and it did not kill the Gator. So I think the sad story might be the guy. No, I think that would be a good exercise in a creative writing class is just show that picture and now everybody write the story. Yeah. But that's exactly what I pictured a gator in Brooklyn looking like. Speaking of Florida, a new bill has been proposed that would enact a series of animal protections and guidelines such as banning cat declawing and dogs hanging their heads out of the window. They would not be allowed to stick

any part of their body out the window, ride in the driver's lap, or ride on motorcycles. Only in Florida do you have to actually write a law that a dog can't be on a motorcycle. But if it is, it doesn't need a helmet. Don't worry about that law. You can't have the dog in your lap.

Yeah. The only thing a Florida man can have in his lap while he's driving is a fleshlight and a Budweiser. Doesn't Florida have bigger fish to fry than this? I mean, also, dogs are not allowed to say they're gay if they are. That's another Florida law. Even if they've humped a male dog or a male owner's leg, they are not allowed to talk about it. Yeah. And they can't wear a drag.

Yeah. And banning declawing of the cats. That's got to be just to give the cats a fighting chance when they're being sexually molested on payday down in Tampa. It's always payday. I bet you cats become outdoor cats on payday. I'll come back on Monday. And thanks, calm down. Well, the cats are going to need their claws now that a lot less dogs are smashing into

telephone poles with their head out the window. Right. There's nothing that puts a smile on my face more than a dog hanging his head out the window. Right. There's nothing that puts a smile on my face more than a dog hanging his head out the window. I love that. Of course. It's the cutest. Speaking of cute, a 52-year-old daycare director.

Uh-oh, none of these stories end well. That's the start that doesn't go to a happy place. Is facing multiple charges after she, okay, things are picking up, allegedly gave melatonin gummies to kids without their parents' consent.

Oh, this is the best case scenario for a news story about a daycare. Tanya Rochelle Voris ran the Kids Life Child Care, which is responsible for nearly 40 kids.

On January 29th, Lynette Shepard, an employee at the daycare, said she believed Voris was giving the kids a pediatric-strength melatonin without their parents' consent. Several parents reported their children had trouble sleeping, developed a rash, became irritable, and weren't eating dinner. All of the parents told police their children started acting normally after Voris was fired, therefore not giving the kids melatonin anymore. Yeah their children started acting normally after Voris was fired, therefore not giving the kids melatonin anymore.

Yeah, they started acting normally, meaning they cried, had tantrums, threw shit, wouldn't go to sleep. All the parents then started giving their kids melatonin again. These kids, though, sounded pretty stressed and dysregulated. It sounds like old Voris might have put the gummies up their butts yeah yeah uh and then all of a sudden voris leaves and the kids are back to normal again so i don't know about this can we stop making drugs in gummies shaped like animals. You know how many kids OD on fucking marijuana gummies and candies? Okay. True story. I know this woman here in LA and she got a call from the principal of her kid's school. And the principal goes, hi, listen, we don't, this is just a call between, you know, an unofficial call and we don't have any evidence, but there is a lot of speculation that your son, who's a ninth grader, by the way, is selling drugs to other students.

And she freaks out and she checks his phone. He's also, by the way, a very smart kid and like industrious and stuff. So she checks his phone. He's also, by the way, a very smart kid and, like, industrious and stuff. So she checks his phone. There's no evidence of it on the phone or anything like that. I forget what else she checked and asked him and all this stuff. Sat him down. He eventually admitted he is buying candy gummies, putting them in a Ziploc, and selling them to the kids at school.

So the reason they didn't have evidence is I think they actually caught it, but then you couldn't smell it. Like, and I think they could tell it wasn't drugs, but they didn't know what was going on anyway. Now, does that break a law? I, that's a good question. I don't know. I mean, I guess if it's, I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure it does. I bet you a lot of the guys that I was buying Coke from in the Bronx when I was a teenager, could not have been arrested for selling cocaine. If they were actually busted by the police, I think that they would have tested it and said, nope, can't arrest a guy for selling baking soda in speed. What's the law against baking soda? Yeah. That's interesting.

I wonder what law it would be. It's almost like impersonating a cop are you are you like uh passing it off as drugs and so there is any it's interesting i don't know critics are blasting the new super nintendo attraction at universal studios hollywood as blatantly fat phobic because the augmented reality dark ride has a size restriction that will leave many Americans with larger waistlines on the sidelines. The new Mario Kart Bowser's Challenge ride in Super Nintendo World warns riders with a waistline measuring 40 inches or more that they may not be allowed to ride. Quote, still mad about the 40 inch waistline requirement for the Mario Kart ride, wrote video game fan David, a fat positive Twitter user.

It's just blatantly fat phobic. He goes on to say, I'm also pretty upset about the kid in the Big Bang Theory t-shirt pointing at me making farting noises while I was at the urinal. There are already physical requirements to get out. You know, it's like you have to be this tall to get on a ride. Also, you can't be laying on your side and be that tall. That's what the wording should be.

If you're laying on your side, you can't be over 25 inches tall. How about that? Some attractions like the new Guardians of the Galaxy Cosmic Rewind roller coasters at Disney's Epcot Center in Florida are designed with select seats for larger-sized riders. Yeah, it's Florida. They're ready for this shit. They also added an eighth dwarf, Fatty.

The prince gets handjobs from him when he's been drinking. Can I butcher that punchline more? So in a plane, if you have to buy two seats, is the airline fatphobic? Also, is there truly a term of fat positive Twitter user? Are you fat positive if you're using the word fat? Yeah, right. Do you know Raoul Dahl, however you pronounce his name,

but, you know, the writer of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, you know, a million kids' books. Do you know they just went through and censored all his books? And one thing they did from the Chocolate Factory or Willy Wonka, whatever the original one was called, is Augustus Gloop. Is that his name? Yeah. Yeah.

Augustus Gloop. They removed the description that he's fat. Yes. Yes. I saw that. What? I know. And his estate has signed off on this.

A publisher. A gluttonous child. The whole point is he was gluttonous. You can't use fat to describe that kid? Yeah. Unbelievable. Oh, man. Sarah Blake Cheek is revealing her story.

By the way, you'll notice me reading all the stories this week, as Mike literally did not write a single story. And I said I would load the document yesterday if we could move this podcast earlier today. By the way, it's pouring rain now. I'm so psyched for this hike. Wait, you said you would load the document. Yeah. Yesterday I go, let's do it earlier. And because I knew that might be a stressor for you. I'm like, I will load the document midday today. And then you're like, can't do it. I'm like, well, I'm not loading it.

Well, I didn't know you were on a work strike. Sarah Blake Cheek is revealing her story in support of fellow creator and Florida mom Victoria Trice, who was banned from volunteering. Earlier this year, 31-year-old Victoria Snooks Trice announced she would be taking action against Orange County Public Schools after she is no longer allowed to volunteer because of her OnlyFans account. In defense of Trice, Cheek revealed how she and her family were discriminated against when her son's school found out about her own her only fans videos according to cheek she was forced to homeschool her seven-year-old after he was suspended when the school found out she was an only fans model even though the kid was homeschooled lots of dads

would swing by to check on her kid one dad would play with her kid while the other eight dads would play with her tits whoa now hey now uh i can't believe i did not i did not google her before now she must be doing very well yeah she's very attractive and what a good soul underneath those this exterior uh she wants to volunteer oh she's an Aries wow she has a lot of tats yeah anyway this is surprising I mean Florida I just assumed every mom in Florida is on OnlyFans. Yeah. And that this woman's not the exception. I think it's on the license plate.

Now, it used to be Florida State. Now it's OnlyFans State. Yeah, we're doing a lot of Florida stories. So she's got to do the OnlyFans job and homeschool her kid at the same time? I wonder how many. She's got to do the OnlyFans job and homeschool her kid at the same time. I wonder how many. Oh, dude. On Instagram, she has 162,000 followers. Wow.

And I bet she had a lot less than that two weeks ago. I wonder how the homeschooling is going. He got an A in camera operating, a B in adult toy wrangling, but he failed at keeping her husband from, her ex-husband from keying up her car. Jesus Christ. Where'd you go? To Victoria Snook's OnlyFans page.

Why don't you read this next one just to give me a fucking break? You want a little break? Tennessee. Greg picks all these, so you can tell which stories. Tennessee lawmakers. Next week, I'm going to load it. Tennessee lawmakers passed a bill banning drag shows in public on Thursday,

sending the measure to the Republican governor, Bill Lee's desk. The law would make Tennessee the first state to ban public drag, which could also affect the LGBTQ plus pride celebrations and transgender people who are in shows of any kind. There are currently 20 bills in 15 U.S. states aimed at drag queen performances. I mean, what the fuck does that even mean? We're talking. So in other words, historically, Trent Reznor can't perform. Alice Cooper banned the Stones can't have him. Iggy Pop, Dave Grohl, The Cure. Are you fucking kidding me?

Also, Madonna now, she looks like a man in drag. Right. I know who makes the call. She wears suits and ties on stage that's one of her looks you know so i wrote a dumb joke below and in it i was going to use the uh the old expression it's so weird that i'm afraid to say it but for trans which is almost identical to trans. And then it's like, is drag eventually going to be like drag, like in drag? I wonder what drag is from. Probably because when they catch you, they chain you to the back of a pickup truck.

Yeah, the soles of your shoes are going to be red. That's for sure. And it's not because it's Louboutins. If this becomes a law, and I'm being serious about this, I will book a show in Nashville where your girlfriend is, and I'm planning on going anyway. I will book a show in Nashville, and I will go on in drag. Well, I was going to say a lot of, listen, I've been spending time in Tennessee.

A lot of older women in Tennessee, a hundred percent look like they're in drag. Yeah. Yeah. So it's going to get very confusing. If I get arrested, that's when the plan needs to be thought out. Because if I get arrested and I get thrown into the county detention center dressed as a woman, that may not go

well. I'm not just going to call it Tran-a-see. That's my new nickname for Tennessee. Oh, here it is. The term drag originated as British theater slang in the 19th century. It's commonly believed to be an acronym for dressed as girl. Wow.

Oh, okay. From the Elizabethan era, where young men took on the roles of women within a play script. I know most Shakespearean plays, I guess it depends on the theater, but I think in the Globe were played by men, right? Yeah. Kind of like kids in the hall. Mr. Show, Monty Python.

Yeah. Twitter erupted this week at a video of controversial Georgia congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene touting the idea that black people should be proud when they see statues of Confederate leaders. They should it should be markers that should remind African-Americans of how far their people have come. Yep. They should also be happy to see a racist congresswoman because it makes them see the progress that they have become as racist as the congressmen. I'm mixed on this, but that's not the way I would have phrased it, that they should be proud when they see statues of Confederate leaders. But there is something about erasing the blemishes of history that I pause at. But when you are like,

how would we feel about a beautiful statue, a beautiful statue that's very flattering to Hitler, and then the city also has, you know, a budget to maintain and clean and polish or whatever that statue. Yeah, that doesn't feel good. Well, like a statue of Hitler, like that's a good example. Is there an argument to be made to keep that up in Germany? Yeah.

Isn't it just flat out haunting? I think that we should keep the statues, but make it the Confederate soldier at the end of the war. Show how it ended. Show a white flag in his hand. Show a Union soldier's dick in his mouth. Give it ended. Show a white flag in his hand. Show a Union soldier's dick in his mouth. Give it context. There'd also be a very large statue of diarrhea behind it.

Number one killer. Number one killer in the Civil War. And they heat it so that there's like a little steam coming off the monument to the diarrhea. Now, I know Hitler's different than Robert E. Lee. I get that. they heat it so that there's like a little steam coming off the monument to the diarrhea now i know hitler's different than robert e lee i get that but in terms of like a disturbing historical figure who was clearly on the wrong side of an issue that was at the very least oppressing and killing many people um yeah i don't know that's hey if you're black i'd like to see a debate i'd like to see a least oppressing and killing many people. Yeah, I don't know.

Hey, if you're black, I'd like to see a debate. I'd like to see a debate with a very smart person defending this. If you're black in the South, I don't know that Hitler is that different than Robert E. Lee. He was they were killing black people indiscriminately. There was there was no law to protect them from being killed. It was at the discretion of the owner. Yeah, I know. But I think a better parallel would be

if there was like, you know, a plantation owner or the person who was directly responsible for the deaths. And don't get me wrong, Lee is very much, you know, defending that and fighting very hard for that and is indirectly doing that. But I don't know, like, you know, my brain's not big or smart enough to to because I think someone could run circles around me because what about me wanting to keep the N word and Huck Finn? And I know that's very, very, very different, but I'm saying a smart person can tie in. Do you keep history? Do you keep that there? And then there's a context. Like, do you edit Gone with the Wind? Right. Because my gut instinct says, no, you don't edit Gone with the Wind.

But I think that's more similar on an intellectual level. Well, I mean, the real extreme of it is what's going on in Florida with them trying to say that you can't teach anything about black history that's going to make white people feel guilty about it. history that's going to make white people feel guilty about it. I mean, that might be an oversimplification of it, but that's... I mean, where do you fall on the spectrum of wanting facts about the past that are shameful to be buried? Yeah. All right. Let's get to... Speaking of shameful... Good news for Gubbins. Let's get to, speaking of shameful. Good news for Gubbins. Gubbins time.

Very good news for Gubbins. His knee, he had his knee surgery last week. God, did you see that Frankenstein scar running right up it? Oh, my God. I stopped by his house last night, and he was, know i don't think i think he took some uh oxycontin the night before he took a lot of oxycontin the night before and then a lot of gummies and i think he's feeling pretty good well he goes i can't take in a leave because uh i'm on aspirin like that makes no sense and but meanwhile, he's like also taking gummies.

Yeah. Um, but, uh, it's also because I guess he was on another anti-inflammatory, whatever. Anyway, man, he is laid up and, uh, that's not going to go well for very long. Cause that guy, you know, needs to get out there. He's getting a lot of visitors. He's, I think he's getting a lot of visitors he's i think he's feeling a lot of love it's actually kind of sweet because he put out a gratitude uh post on social media yesterday and i think he's feeling very loved as zach alphanakis came and visited him and he goes zach don't just like swing by here for five minutes i he goes come for like an And I go, did he stay for an hour? And he went an hour and three minutes. His alarm went off. He's having a pizza party. A guy who's an amazing pizza cook is cooking pizzas over there today. Well, it's a small gathering and he doesn't want too many

people to know about it. So we probably shouldn't talk about it. But, yeah, there's going to be five different types of pizza. He put out a menu. It's going to be really fun. Are you going? It depends if I survive this hike. Oh, that's right. You've got to go on your hike. You've got to earn those carbs.

That's right, man. Entertainment section. Okay. Want me to read it? Please. Why not? It's close to your heart. My old boss, James Corden, aims to leave the late night stage in a big way. No pun intended. CBS plans to broadcast the last hour of It's the Late Late Show, which Corden has hosted since March 2015, on Thursday, April 27th, and will add a primetime special that night to help mark the occasion. Tom Cruise will reunite with Corden for one big sketch to air during the primetime special. Cruise has previously joined Corden on

the Late Late Show for segments including Daredevil stunts out of fighter jets and skydiving, and in this new meeting, Corden will have Cruz take part in an epical musical performance during the Lion King at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood. All right, so let me get this straight. James Corden and Tom Cruise are going to do musical theater

and try to make the news. If this is anything short of these two guys coming out of the closet, CBS has some explaining to do. I have a real good way, Tom, hear me out, to get rid for good of those rumors that we're gay. Now, just, you know, I'm not even going to read it. Why don't you read it? I'm going to, here it is. It's a one sheet. And, yep, it's musical theater. Yeah. They're doing The Lion King.

More like The Lying Kings. Oh. Oh, God. Well, he and Tom were going to do a daredevil. They were going to go to Universal and do that ride, but James couldn't fit. Oh, so we're doing gay and fat jokes. It's Sunday Papers. Always rising above. It's a Papers. Always rising above.

It's a callback. Come on now. This is cohesive. Make Florida, make America Florida, which is catching on, by the way. Some people have been sending memes of like a DeSantis campaign bumper sticker, which says make America Florida again. I think it's we didn't make it up, by the way. We should say that for the record. We we saw it and we decided to co-opt it.

Steal it. We're selling it, man. Make America Florida. Woman gets angry. I changed the headline a little because the story is fascinating. Woman gets angry at McDonald's drive-thru after free cookie incident. I did not change those words. Free cookie incident was the headline. A McDonald's employee told police that Omari Bent Hendrix, 24 of Orlando, was mad that no one asked if she was using the fast food restaurant's reward program.

I didn't know they had one. And she thought she was entitled to a free cookie. When the employee got to the pickup window, Hendricks was allegedly yelling. She was reportedly given a free cookie, but continued to argue with the employee. The report reads the worker told officers Hendricks then grabbed a black handgun, inserted a magazine and proceeded to rack the slide. Oh, she wasn't fucking around. Hendricks then allegedly parked her car in front of the McDonald's and attempted to open the front door, which employees had already locked because they feared for their lives.

The report says Hendricks forced herself inside the restaurant before striking one of the employees multiple times and forcing him out of the building. Wait, this was a man or a woman? Woman. Jesus. Yeah, over her cookie. Why didn't they just give her a Happy Meal? Wouldn't that have neutralized the whole thing?

Oh, my God. I love it. Oh. I just love that, like, she's going to be sharing a cell with, like, a murderer who fed the body of a teen to an alligator before setting fire to a police car what are you in for uh mcdonald's cookie they have cookies yeah not always though they don't always give them to you if they don't give it to you you will lose it take my word for it you just have to be the squeaky wheel and you'll get your cookie.

That's a squeaky wheel. Jesus, add some fucking oil to that. Imagine just being a poor kid working at McDonald's and all of a sudden it's like the magazine goes in. Yeah. Like what craziness. I think that they should have a 40 inch waistline test for the McDonald cookie as well. That would have gone over well. Imagine failing her on that.

Let's get to sports. Yes. All right, I put this story in because I've never been a fan of Tiger Woods. Well, you're racist. No, no, no. He's just such a drip. But boy, this story was fantastic. All right. Tiger Woods tampon prank was no laughing matter.

Now, this was written by a guy in Sports Illustrated, and it's it's pathetic. Anyway, here it is. Everyone loves a joke, but a joke shouldn't energize sexism that has haunted women for generations. Props can be used as powerful symbols of oppression, and they have been very important in promulgating racism and sexism in both American history and Woods' golf career. Okay, so this guy now has opened it up to props and has included racism. At the 1997 Masters, Fuzzy Zoller, is that how you pronounce his name? Zeller.

Zeller saddled Woods with images of fried chicken and collard greens. In 2008, when Woods was dominating golf, Kelly Tilghman, the former Golf Channel commenter, suggested that his competitors lynch him in a back alley to stop his reign of dominance. Please keep in mind, this is an article about a tampon. A tampon is a very useful, low-cost, and portable prop to exploit many stereotypes about women. Woods seemed to give Thomas the tampon

because his driving performance was reminiscent of the weaker sex. We should explain what happened. Did you see this? Yeah. I guess this guy was one of the best drivers and Tiger out drove him and they were playing together and Tiger went into his golf bag and he like very serendipitous. He very like just casually grabbed something. You couldn't see what it was, but there are a million cameras around and he went up and he very slyly handed Thomas the tampon because he was a few feet short of Tiger's drive. It's hilarious.

So that's what happened. Yeah. All right. In his mind, he is more of a man than his 29-year-old protege from Kentucky because he was the longer hitter. That's what Tiger was thinking. Anyway, playful or not, this is the kind of mindset that once limited women's rights to participate in certain roles in the military and in organized sports.

For generations, menstrual cycles have been a source of shame and discrimination for women in the workplace. Are you reading the entire Sports Illustrated here? Well, it's just this guy's a lunatic, I think. Anyway, and then this guy goes, just as importantly, Woods has to know the power of his words and actions. Two years ago, Thomas lost a lucrative deal with Ralph Lauren for using an anti-gay slur. So racism and an anti-gay slur is the level that this guy went up to.

Anyway, do you have any thoughts on this? And anti-gay slur is the level that this guy went up to. Anyway, do you have any thoughts on this? I think it's when a woman can hit the ball 375 yards, we can we can discuss this article. I mean, it's it's just it's a simple joke. Women don't hit it as far. You're a woman. Ha ha.

What's what's the big fucking deal? Oh, no. You have to issue an apology now so tiger woods had to hold a press conference to apologize and this guy hated his apology also i'm not going to go into that but i think this is what tiger woods should have done he should have had a a press conference after his initial press conference and said, I'm sorry to all those I offended. Listen, I was just making a joke that he hit his ball shorter like women do. Okay. Now he's going to have to give another press conference to apologize. I just think it would have been the greatest thing ever if Tiger Woods just held press conferences where he just stated facts. He's like second, third press conference.

Listen, I'm sorry again. I didn't mean to imply all women hit the ball short. I should have clarified that every single woman in the world hits the ball shorter than every single man that was out there. Okay, next press conference. Again, I'm sorry. I am not saying women can't powerfully swing a golf club, especially when they're crazy. Do you guys remember my wife when she attacked my car with a golf club?

She hit the shit out of that thing. Okay, next press conference. By the way, she was menstruating at the time. Next press conference. Wow, I keep making this worse. I forget that on average, women are far more sensitive than men. Last press conference.

I better stop stating facts in these press conferences. That's my bad. Instead, I just brought 30 tampons for everybody that's offended here in this room today. Yeah, I mean, what are they are they gonna do he's the goat actually he's not the goat jack jack nicholas still has more i mean statistically is a greater golfer than tiger woods i don't know i actually don't think you can say that well he's won more majors. Well, he's won more majors. Right, right. No, in certain calculus, he is, Tiger's not the greatest,

but there are huge arguments using statistics and domination that say Tiger was the most dominant golfer ever. He was ranked number one longer than anybody else in history. Tiger? That's true. Yes. Yes. Yeah, but also when they talk about who was the distance between he and the number two in that time frame compared to anyone else, it's like a superhuman had landed, I guess. You know, there was a really interesting thing.

I remember when I was little, I read an article on Wayne Gretzky and the statistics were mind boggling. And Sports Illustrated writer, I think, wrote that no matter he wrote, no matter how you look at it, Gretzky is is more dominant than Michael Jordan. prominent than Michael Jordan. And of course, he is the pure goat. If you talk about any one athlete in any one sport being the goat, it would be Wayne Gretzky. Yeah. But boy, there was backlash about like his supporting team, you know, versus Jordan supporting or versus Lemieux's supporting team on the Penguins. You know, there's a lot of arguments for Lemieux to be even greater than Gretzky. So it's you know, you can look at these a million different ways, but if you ever wanted, just try to find the funnest article about Gretzky's stats. They're unbelievable. Yeah, they're unbelievable. And the thing about Michael Jordan, and this was pointed out to me

because me and my son go back and forth. He's a LeBron guy and I'm a Jordan guy. And the thing that somebody just pointed out to me that I need to put in my son's face is that Jordan played in college. LeBron went straight to the pros. That's four more years to build up his numbers. Also, Jordan left basketball, played baseball for two years, then came back to the NBA and won a championship. So that's two more years he wasn't putting up numbers. How many years did he go to college? Three? Who? Two? Jordan? Jordan. Oh, I don't know. Not four? No. Oh. I don't think he went four.

I think he went at least three. All right. All right, let's get— I know as a freshman, I think as a freshman, he hit the game winner, right, didn't he? That's right, Mike. Let's get to international. Okay. It's not easy being king, and Adele and Ed Sheeran sure aren't making it any easier.

The two singers have reportedly declined King Charles III's invitation to perform at an upcoming concert in celebration of his coronation. OK reports that King Charles had specifically wanted the duo to perform at the concert the day after he takes over for Queen Elizabeth III. Sheeran chalked his absence up to scheduling conflicts. Adele, however, didn't offer an explanation at all. I think you want to be king? You want to really step up? You want to be remembered?

Go medieval. Go bring them in and chop their heads off. Do it right in front of the palace. That would get the Royals back on top. Bring back the moat. Get a court jester. Boil him. Boil him in oil if he sucks.

Get Ricky Gervais as the court jester. Stop hiding who you really are. Yeah. And then give Meghan and Harry the biggest, told you, told you so. Right. First of all, Adele doesn't even show up at her own concerts. Yeah, right. Literally. And also, Adele would need more royal treatment than the royals can provide.

Yeah. No one expects higher level of treatment, even in the royal family, than Adele. Yeah, right, right. It's crazy. But, by the way, speaking of the Royals and everything, have you seen South Park's take on Harry and Meghan? No. Oh, it's going viral? Everyone should go look at that.

It's perfect. Oh, I can't wait. They get off the plane and they have signs like give us our privacy give us and they hold press conferences like we don't want cameras what are you doing we're gonna go to a place and it's so much better than that and it's it's amazing oh that's awesome yeah yeah yeah it's it's they they do it perfectly of course uh so let's go down to business. Yeah. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Those good guys.

And its investment arm have been fined $5 million for using shell companies to obscure the size of its $32 billion portfolio. Okay, so what percentage is that? It's literally a needle in a haystack. Which was under church control. It might be literally that. The SEC said, The faith known as the Mormon Church maintains billions of dollars in investments

in stocks, bonds, real estate, and agriculture. They allegedly worried that the size of their portfolio, which reached $32 billion, would lead to negative consequences. They also have a mandatory contribution to them from the church's members. Tithing, 10%, 10% of all your money. Ensign Peek avoided disclosing investments with the church's knowledge, which they're supposed to do. If they want to hide all their money, why don't they just have the men all get divorced? With all those wives, the government won't find any money left at all.

Listen, if people are saying that the Mormons have screwed the government, maybe out of some money, some taxes, some regular. I don't know about screwed. Maybe it was just soaking. Maybe they were just soaking the government. Right. And just a reminder, what soaking is. Soaking is when these dirty little Mormons put their penises in vaginas and try not to move. And they don't call that sex. No. Yes, they call it soaking. No shit. I couldn't possibly make that up.

That sounds sexy as hell. It's different than docking. Look up docking, although I bet a lot of Mormons are docking. And also, I think they kept their magical underwear on as they tried to screw the irs so you put your penis completely inside you can go all the way in you just can't move yes it's so hot oh i fucking love that i'm gonna look up mormon porn as soon as we're done soaking look up soaking it's just fucking crazy it's like this whole idea that they don't have to pay taxes so like everyone has to pay taxes to keep society going to build the roads to have

police to have fire all that stuff uh or and if you don't pay you get thrown in jail unless of Unless, of course, you say you believe in these childish fantasies, these sci-fi adventures. And then if you believe that, then the rest of us in society, we pay for you. Right. So like people that believe that the Mormons believe that black skin is a curse. So we should pay for them. You know, priests for centuries have been in buildings that paid no taxes and raped little boys for generations without any repercussions from the judicial system. Yes. And indirectly, we not only paid for the rape, we also paid for the cover ups, for the legal costs to defend that rape, to plead guilty to that rape. And then the payouts to those people when when they've admitted guilt or have been found guilty. Why is this not something that goes on a table by any politician? Just stop tax exemption for churches. It's a fucking joke. Because we live in a hocus pocus

nation. You know how many Americans believe in angels? Yeah. But here's another way to look at it, which I love. I love thinking about it this way, because the way you stated it, like that it's a sci-fi thing and they're asking for tax exemption. Well, that's like, you know, their beliefs, right? And that's kind of their God. How about this though? The government, one way you can look at the application is, hey, I have this, you know, Latter-day Saints or the Catholic church. What are your beliefs? I believe very strongly that every other place like me that you've given tax breaks to, every other religion, that they are incredibly wrong. And historically, I've tried to kill those people. Right.

And I've tried to take over their countries and their cultures and their beliefs. Because I not only have my beliefs, my belief also is saying all of their beliefs are wrong. Yeah. And it's, they might as well be worshiping Satan. Their God is as, as, as, as Satan to us. Like what the fuck? No, the Mormons actually believe that Jesus is a cousin to Satan. Who believes that? The Mormons. Oh, that Jesus is. Yeah.

Oh, my God. He was so much simpler than that. Everyone gives me so much credit. I'm reading a book right now about the, what do you call it? The Holy Wars in the 11th century it's fucking crazy I don't know about them I mean is it I'm assuming it's Rome

it's Rome well it's actually it's a bunch of different Europeans but mostly from what what would be France today and they were going into you know what what is, uh, Jerusalem today and just the crusades. They were, they would just gruesome beheading fucking ankle deep in the blood of

children craziness. And they just, I mean, there was no fucking gunpowder i mean it was all hand-to-hand catapults uh fucking insanity and it's the same region of the world that they're still fighting about today and the reason why the christians were able to get away with it is because the muslims were split because they were divided between the Shiites and the Sunnis. Those motherfuckers have been fighting since the 10th century or earlier. I don't even know when that started, but it was at least the 10th century. I told you, I think I've told this story, but when I was in the old city in Jerusalem, there was a tour, and one of the big things in the tour you see kind of like St.

Is it St. Peter's foot? You know, that's all worn away from people touching it. So the stations of the cross where when they made Jesus carry, as the story goes, when they made Jesus carry his his cross, he would like stagger and fall in one place. He put his hand up. So there I forget how many stations of the cross there are. And so one area famously put his hand up. So everyone goes and touches it. And it's literally an indentation now in this plaster. And everyone in the group I was with, you know, like also touched it and everyone, there was a line to touch us.

So I go over and I didn't want to be a party pooper. So I did it privately. But I went over to the tour guide and I'm like, can I ask you a question? I go, Jerusalem has been absolutely razed to the ground, completely burned and destroyed three times since Jesus's time. Right. And she's like, yes. And I'm like, so that wall wasn't even there. She's like, no, not even close. I'm like, this street wasn't even here. No, no, it's been rebuilt three times. Actually four times, I think. Yeah. Unbelievable. All right. Let's get to this day in history. Okay.

More good news. Well, there was a day in 1993, February 26th. People don't remember this, by the way. No, got overshadowed. So few people. My kids totally don't know this. Yeah, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time. It was at 1218 p.m. It was a massive multi-story crater that caused the collapse of several steel-reinforced concrete floors in the vicinity of the blast.

The main structure of the sky. Six people were killed and more than 1,000 were injured. $500 million in damage. Fifty thousand people were evacuated from the building, hundreds of whom suffered from smoke inhalation. And and there was a massive manhunt. And within days, several radical Islamic fundamentalists were arrested. Mohammed Salameh, Ahmed Ajaj, Nidal Ayyad, and Mohammed Obayhalameh were convicted. You've got to read the detail of how they were caught. They each got sentenced to life in jail.

Salameh, a Palestinian, was arrested when he went to retrieve the $400 deposit he had left for the Ryder rental van used in the attack. One guy fled to Saudi Arabia and was caught in Egypt. The mastermind of the attack, Yosef, remained at large until 1995 when he was arrested in Pakistan. He had been in the Philippines. when he was arrested in Pakistan. He had been in the Philippines, and in a computer he left there where he found terrorist plans that included a plot to kill Pope John Paul II

and bomb 15 American airliners in 48 hours. Damn. On the flight back to the United States, Yosef reportedly admitted to a Secret Service agent that he had directed the Trade Center attack from the beginning, and he even claimed to have set the fuse that he had directed the Trade Center attack from the beginning, and he even claimed to have set the fuse that exploded the 1,200-pound bomb. His only regret was that the 110-story tower did not collapse into its twin as planned.

Wow. Well, he was a visionary. Yeah. It didn't fall in. It's amazing how those towers, you know, I don't have the footage in mind. I mean, I kind of do, but it just fell straight down. Yeah. I mean, I know that's how when you implode buildings, it seems like they all do that.

But I don't think there's any world. Well, I guess they were blowing up just the bottom. Yeah. And I guess that was their idea. We'd fall into the other one. Well, in 2001, it happened again. 3,000 people died. Guess how many firefighters?

Don't read the article. Guess how many firefighters died? How many people died in 9-11? Close to 3,000. Well, I thought it was 5,000. I don't know. Jesus Christ. Did 800 or something?

No. 343 firefighters and 23 policemen. And these motherfuckers went into the building. Unbelievable. Not only that. went into the building. Unbelievable. Not only that. Yeah. Well, I told you, I told you when Sophie came back rattled from Santa Monica high school, it was nine 11 and they were studying nine 11. And she's like, we saw footage and she's like, and you see, you know, the smoke and you see, you know, the firemen and the emergency personnel running in as, you know, stuff.

And I'm like, and she's like, and you could just hear like all the noise. I'm like, oh, I know the noise when you hear the thump, thump, thump. She's like, what do you mean thump, thump, thump? I'm like the bodies. She's like, what bodies? I'm like, what? Yeah. Yeah.

The class did not cover all the people who I'm not laughing. I am laughing, but it's and it's a it's a it's just a physical response to the absurdity and how crazy it is. It's so anyway, she then went back and watched it and was more than more horrified than she was in school. And I and I did that to her. That's good parenting. But I mean, those firemen, honestly, those were insane obstacles outside. And that's what they were running into. Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. All right. Let's get to some letters to the editor. Yeah. Complaint. Complaint. I have get to some letters to the editor. Yeah. Complaint, complaint.

I have a complaint. Advice column needed. When I read a newspaper, I always read the advice column, yet Sunday Papers has no advice column. Oh, wow. I want one. Here's what I would write in. Dear Gregory and Michael, kind of like Dear Abby,

and ask for advice. I'm an American, damn it, and ask for advice i'm an american damn it and as such i demand an advice column didn't we used to do this at one point we did a dear amy where we read letters written to her but we've never had people write into us i like this i like this a lot he goes here's what i would question here's what i would write in dear gregory and michael how old is too old to get inside a dryer at the laundromat and go around and around i'm 54 am i too old regards bonehead at the beach i say absolutely not i think that i'm 56 and i think that that's the age you have to start doing shit like that again do you have a 40

inch waist bonehead at the beach that's true how big is this dryer if you're going to get in the dryer you got to get in wet and you can't get out until you're dry and you have to come out wearing one sock I don't know where I saw this I just saw And you have to come out wearing one sock.

I don't know where I saw this. I just saw, like yesterday, a thing on how many kids would suffocate in refrigerators. And that's why they had to switch it to magnets. It's by law. So I'm wondering about the safety of this, of course. I don't think it's good for the dryer. That's probably not the best advice, that I'm more concerned about the safety of this, of course. I don't think it's good for the dryer. That's probably not the best advice, that I'm more concerned about the dryer. Yeah, go to a laundromat. Don't, yeah, don't do it to your own dryer.

You're going to have a very, very angry Asian owner, though, come up and probably beat the shit out of you if he finds you going into the laundromat dryer. Yeah, but you'd also have the five homeless alcoholics out front would be there to try to save you if you got stuck. Yeah. I'd say 54 is not too old if you're really looking for an answer. I say film it. Yeah. And send it to us.

Okay. I like it. That is from Adam Bean. Do not get in the washer. You can easily mistake a front-loading washer. Don't make that mistake. Mike has been really triggered by Philly fans lately, so I wanted to clear up a potential misunderstanding. Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John and Bernie Taupin is not actually about Philadelphia, but rather it is about Billie Jean King and her tennis team. Maybe this was fueling Mike's hate all these years.

Oh, that's funny. Okay. No, that's not what it—but that's interesting to know, that not even a shitty writer would bother to write about Philadelphia. Well, Bruce Springsteen wrote about Philadelphia. Listen, Philly fans know what they do. They know what they, you know, they know what they're doing. I don't know if it's a chip on their shoulder that like,

especially when Boston really became. Were you diddled in Philly or something? I love Philadelphia. I think it's a great city and I love the people. They're just so hateful right i mean like bill burr famously was up against that they're just from fucking boston are you kidding me so much class they lack less class somehow than boston unbelievable i don't know what happened to you in philly man but you need to get help. No, they're fine. I just like having a rivalry.

And by the way, listen, I have chosen a group of people who can more than defend themselves, maybe more than any other city. So that's what's fun about it, too. I'm not picking on like fucking, you know, some depressing city in Connecticut. Mississippi. Yeah. Yeah. or something like that. Or Cleveland, well, Cleveland's fun to pick on. But anyway, Philly's going to give it back harder than I give it to them.

All right, let's get to the obituaries. See you, Philly. And that's all, folks. Richard Belzer, who was a friend of mine, was an American comedian and an actor best known for his role as Detective John Munch in Homicide Life on the Streets and Law & Order SVU, two of the biggest franchises in TV history. I remember once. Oh, I remember once he was on Howard and Howard was making fun of like all this. And and Belzer was a poor comedian like every comedian in New York. And and he was uncomfortable. Belzer then started to just, you know, play with the idea. He's like he's like, yeah, but Howard, I've got mortgages to pay.

He's like, yeah, but Howard, I've got mortgages to pay. He was the guy when I was a teenager and I used to go to the comedy clubs in New York. He was the house emcee at Catch a Rising Star. And he was the guy. He was the definition of the cool New York City comic. He dressed in black. He did crowd work. He was condescending. He was quick on his feet he was just cool and uh and it's just so great because like uh all the comedians loved him and uh let's see here it says that he he was the he was the warm-up guy for Saturday Night Live when it first started.

And then he came out and he did a bunch of little TV things. And then he got cast in that. I mean, I don't know what his net worth was at the end of his life, but, I mean, he just, that dude worked. Well, his estate is going to be receiving money forever. He was also a non-fiction author i mean he was a guy that like i remember running into him in central park one day and he had a walkman on and and i was like what are you listening to and he's like pavarotti like he was very he was really into the arts he was very intelligent um. So that was very sad.

Yeah. We should have we should always when these guys die. And again, here he is born in 1944. That that 1940s group, man, there are a lot of famous ones. ones and yeah and they lived hard and not that healthy and so their day uh it's very sad and it's gonna be a lot of them everybody's heroes from that from that era remember when he was in scarface no yeah during this remember the nightclub scene where where Tony's in there and there's a big machine gun shootout at the nightclub? Yeah. He was on stage and he was performing at the nightclub in Miami. Oh, that's a great detail. Yeah.

All right, let's cheer up, Mike. Okay. Sunday funnies. Here we go. Hager. This one just struck me as funny. Normally I try to pick Hager strips that involve rape just because I want to accentuate the fact that

this is a strip that is animated. It's a cute cartoon that kids are going to read on Sunday mornings, but it is based on rape. But in this one, it's not. It's just based on him being a fucking douchebag. He's having dinner with his boys. The waiter comes over, and Hager goes, we're going to split the check half now

and half when we feel like it. And then he fucking walks out and flips a coin at the guy. That is a good one. I like that. And now a little rapey one. Here is a king in bed with his wife. This is going to be all now. The king says, I can't sleep.

I keep wondering when Hager will show up again. And she says, worry about that tomorrow. Well, look who's sleeping easy in the king's house. She goes, worry about that tomorrow well look who's sleeping easy in the king's house yeah uh she goes worry about that tomorrow go grab a midnight snack and forget about hagger and he goes there's leftover pheasants and now you got hagger in the bedroom holding a fucking sharp knife or it's a thong a tong he goes not anymore but i saved you some scalloped potatoes and And now the wife looks a little worried. Because we know

what's happening. He's going to take her and he's going to make the king watch. He raped their leftovers. Yep. And then I thought this was cute. Lucky has a funny one-liner. Hager goes, what do you give someone who has everything? And Lucky goes, a lot of liner. Hager goes, what do you give someone who has everything?

And Lucky goes, a lot of medicine. Look at that. All right, let's move. Are we thinking that's a section, an STD joke? That's what I was thinking. Yeah, that's why I liked it. Okay. Loretta and Leroy from the Lockhorns are sitting down.

And Leroy says, I didn't are sitting down, and Leroy says, I didn't know DoorDash offered takeout airline food. That's very cool. And the second one, they're sitting on a couple of chairs. She's drinking tea. He's reading the paper. He goes, you're quiet tonight, Loretta. Is something right?

That's a good one, toooretta. Is something right? That's a good one too. Uh, okay. I had to go just look up who sent this in far side and we got, uh, I don't want to, I don't know. Do we not read full names? Justin sent this in. Thank you, Justin. Uh, this is a far side that was sent in. And let me take a look at it. So what do I do? I read it first. Do I say it first? Okay, I'll read it first. So a wife screaming at her husband. How many times did I say it, Harold? How many times? Make sure that bomb shelters got a can opener. Ain't much good without a can opener, I said. And so you see her yelling at him. There's a ladder. They are underground in their bunker, and it is all canned goods. That's the only thing that's in there. And up above the ground level are just bombs going off like crazy. Mushroom clouds. Yeah, mushroom clouds everywhere.

going off like crazy mushroom clouds yeah mushroom clouds everywhere that's almost like the uh the twilight zone where all he wanted to do was read that's all he wanted to do and he was in a vault and he stepped on his glasses yeah yeah and now let's get to everybody's favorite hottie she's a 10 he's a 2 he's at the uh greasy diner that he likes to eat at. He's talking to the cook. And Dagwit said, it's my wedding anniversary tomorrow. Cook goes, oh, that's great. You should celebrate by bringing Blondie in here for famous Lou's Lover Lane special. Final frame is Dagwit sitting on the couch with Blondie.

She's got on a chiffon-sleeved white shirt, black silk dress, taupe shoes. And then he says to her, are you sure you get a chili dog? And the chef spells out, I love you with baked beans. Now, do you think that a man in his position should be inviting his wife to a greasy spoon diner on their anniversary? Or should he acknowledge the deficit in this relationship and take every fucking dollar he's got saved and take her for a respite from this agony that she's living to a decent restaurant and show her off? Walk in that door proud that this fucking yellow haired perfect 10 is his wife. Regardless, your thoughts in either case, there's very much a cuck quality going on where the inferior male in this case is bringing his wife, who is so many levels above what he,

what he deserves to a group of men or to the public. Yeah. Yeah. I think she has the right instinct, not going to that bar and that bartender looks rough. Well, it's not a bar. It's a,

it's a diner. Oh, is that a diner? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He looks like a, well, he's a grizzly guy. It's a diner. Oh, is that a diner? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like a, well, he's a grizzly guy. He's a grizzly guy.

He's got the toothpick hanging out. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Anyway. All right, listen. We've gotten through it. It was kind of a long one today.

We hope you enjoyed it. We hope you hung in until the end. We're going to remind you guys to come out for the saint patrick's day show on set on march 17th saint patrick's day and also helium improv march 9th through 11th also for don't forget you can get a hundred dollars off your first month with talkspace when you go to talkspace.com use code papers and we want to thank midcoast media ch Chris Denman, Keith, Beth, John, all the fine people that bring the show to you every week. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. It's great. And thank you for listening, everyone.

And hopefully I survive this hike. I'll give you an update. I'll have footage. And write into our advice, our new advice column. I love that idea. into our advice, our new advice column. I love that idea. Yeah, write in. If you have questions, think of us as your Ann Landers or your Eloise or your Ask Amy, but maybe with a dark twist. It doesn't even have to have that.

If you're torn on something, you can't decide. Yeah. What better people to give you advice right than these two all right uh you know it's supposed to rain all i know the whole country's going to be sick of la talking about the rain but uh it is this city is not built for it man no so we'll see what's left you know oh my sister hasn't had power since 9.30 p.m. last night. No. Yeah, Culver City's out.

No kidding. Yeah, a lot of power lines are down. Well, good luck to the rest of you. The Valley, it's pretty bad. Who are freezing cold. I just talked last night to Ian Bagg, great comedian. He's picking up the next leg of the Burt tour. They're going to Alberta, Winnipeg. He's doing a Canadian run. I'm like, good luck, asshole. I got Florida. You get Canada.

I just saw on this leg, he just took out Gareth Reynolds. You know, Gareth? No. All right. So Gareth Reynolds. Oh, he's great. Oh, he does an amazing podcast. He's a great guy. I wrote with him on Ben Hoffman show, but he has the podcast with Dave about, um, they take the truth. I'm spacing out. They take the true stories. Denman, can you write it in the script at the very top of the script? What their podcast is they deserve a shout out anyway they covered like the Cleveland dollar beer night when we did it and we referenced them anyway Gareth is in the

limo and Bert is dying laughing because Gareth left his suitcase his only bag in the Uber to get there and now is going on tour with Burt. And the agreement was those guys will dress Gareth for the whole tour and stuff.

That's hilarious. But anyway, it's called the Dollop Podcast. And it's very well done. I guess it was on Marin's show. All right, Mike, I'll see you later for some pizza at Gubbins'. Yes, absolutely. And everybody should take it-ish Take it-ish! It's Sunday Papers with Mike and Greg

Some kind of paper kick off the week Producer Denman, Watson, Gubbins, Ed With some corrections, the Florida Man Producer Denman, Watson, Gov, and Zed. With some corrections, the Florida man. It's Sunday Papers. Lock, horns, and family. Oh, what a circus. Greg's in love with... It's Sunday Papers with Mike and

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