Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike EP 154 3/5/23

Episode Date: March 5, 2023

Biden calls for a draft? Tom Brady is now a standup comedian, a lot of anti-drag politicians in drag and Florida woman gives a curious pee sample.

Oh, hold on. Yeah, we got to do that again. Okay, hold on. Seven, six. All right, go ahead, clap. What? All right, I guess that's a clap. Three, two, one.

There we go. Now I plug in. Read all about it. Read all about it. Again? We're reading all about it again. Okay. Extra, extra.

International edition of Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Coming to you all the way from Costa Rica. Yeah. Look at the sun. Oh, look at you. You're right in the hot spot there. Yeah, I'm by the equator, man.

That's not going to help your rosacea and your sunburn. I know. I am so white, man. Because when you get older, no matter actually what, I imagine even very dark people feel they've, you know, you get more sensitive as you get older. So I'm whiter is the long way of saying it. I'm even whiter than I've been my whole life. I realize because now I'm in my fifties and a 95 degree sun near the equator. You know, I'm running from it. We were just talking about how white men are getting treated in this country right now.

And wait, no, we weren't. You were talking because we don't we don't complain like that. You were talking about a dinner party where some of the white wives who we know very well, I guess I wasn't there, but they launched an assault. Yeah, they had a few too many glasses of wine, and white men started to become a moniker, like a disparaging moniker, where white men this and white men that. It's like, hey, we're fucking sitting right here.

What did I do? What the fuck did I do to you? I bought the wine that you're drunk on. Yeah. The white wine. And then I told you that I wish I were there because I'd be like, hey, I didn't choose to be a white guy. You chose to spend the rest of your life with a white man. Like you're the you're the one who's fucked.

Right. Walk the walk. I've never chosen to be with a white man. Yeah. Yeah. Walk the walk, sister. I've never chosen to be with a white man. Yeah. Yeah. Walk the walk. And it causes me to start feeling like all those guys that I can't stand who are so anti-woke. Because I'm not anti-woke, but I'm also not woke. I'm just a guy who's trying to take life on from treating.

I've always treated people with dignity. I have made mistakes in my life like anybody, but for the most part, I'm a good person. And and to get treated that way makes you want to fight those people. And that's not that should not be their goal. They should not be creating antipathy towards themselves or the causes they are professing to support. Also, think about it. You're criticizing white men. Are we going to handle it? Well, according to you, we haven't handled anything. Well, now we're being attacked. That's not going to go well. Right, right, right. being attacked that's not gonna go well right right right read your history books girls yeah we're gonna come back with a misguided shock and awe uh speaking of what was wait what what was so evil i i wasn't at this dinner what what was an

example like how did it get going we're talking talking about how like, you know, as white writers, we're not getting jobs. And they were saying, well, nobody wants to hear that story anymore. They don't want to hear the white man's story. They want to hear others. Oh, they can go right to fucking hell because we're not even allowed to write in any other person's voice because then we get in trouble for that. Right, right, exactly. That's cultural, what do you call it? Appropriation.

Appropriation, if we write in somebody else's voice and then nobody wants us in our own voice. So look, again, and all of a sudden I'm catching myself sounding like that guy. I'm not that guy, you know? I don't know, you look like that guy, dude. I do sounding like that guy. I'm not that guy. You know? I don't know. You look like that guy, dude. I do look like that guy.

You're in your bunker. But I have written on mostly black shows in my life. And Latino shows. And gay shows. And I've written for everybody. I can write in anybody's voice. But not today, I can't. No.

I told you my divorce one. I have a good idea anyway. It's my story based on me, my divorce. But I thought, you know, switch it. It's much more appealing, successful, you know, the breadwinner woman and, you know, you know, sick of paying whatever alimony and stuff. And so and then like, oh, and even the agents in town are like oh so you'd be writing you're creating the show where the woman's the lead uh it's so crazy yeah meanwhile nine to five the movie nine to five the fucking epic tale of female empowerment and fighting back written by a guy it was written by a man and a woman together. But he did most of the writing.

He did the logical parts. Remember that great line? And I'm laughing because and so is Gregreg because there's clearly a meta quality to this we uh it's it's so funny to sound so pig-headed but um in uh as good as it gets jack nookison was a famous author and the woman runs up to him and goes uh oh my god i love you i love your writing and your female character is like how do you write so well for a female? And he's like, well, I write it's the same for a man, but I remove all accountability. It might have even been something else too,

like logic and accountability or something. But accountability was one which is very well thought out. Like that was specific. Yeah. Now we're talking about like one of the guys that was there is a very very successful writer director he's written films he directed one of the biggest tv shows in history for a decade uh very accomplished can't get a job as a professor teaching what he did for the last 30 years because he's a white man. No, you know, I applied very, very loosely like I did a digital thing to UCLA. Yeah. And then didn't even didn't even hear back.

Didn't even, didn't even hear back. And, uh, and then I looked at some of the adjunct professors and I'm like, that person had one job. Yeah. I was like, what? Like I would see the adjunct professors, I'd look them up on IMDB. I'm like, what? And it, you know, there, it's a backfire. It's like, no, no, no.

Have the class be diverse as all get out and and i'll tell you all the secrets i'll tell you all the tricks like why not why not learn from the you know the sort of uh the patriarchal why not learn from the patriarchy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, keep me out of jobs, but have me teach the new generation. Wouldn't that make sense? And for anybody that's tuning in and going like, oh, let me check out this new podcast.

Oh, great. It's two more white guys complaining about being white. This isn't really, we don't talk about this much. I only brought it up because it was so pronounced last night. And it was from people that I respect and like, but they're living in a world where they are at companies that are so under the microscope of diversity that all their hires have to be diverse. literally every project they do has to be the voice of something oh a new show a new show a major i can't say what it is but was announced you know and it's on network and all that and i you know i expressed interest and was just told flat out they were they are not considering any uh resumes for the top spots that are not diverse yeah yes right so double

negative there all right we'll get to Dilbert later guess which side we're on I don't even know you're gonna have to tell me about that story I missed that one somehow uh so we're so tell me where you are what you've've been doing, what your experience is. Costa Rica. Uh, yeah, it's, I've never been, I've never been to central America. It's beautiful. It's great. Haven't seen the, you know, the famous monkeys that are here. Haven't done the jungle, just the beach and, um, and working a little too much, but know that was the idea it's not like a full vacation and anyway it's great you've been here i have been there and watch those monkeys they'll take your shit if it's shiny don't don't wear a watch don't don't wear a necklace wow okay yeah

but they're very cute um it's uh it's an incredibly place because Costa Rica is one of the few places in Central America where there's there's never been political upheaval. There's never been any kind of civil war. It's it's just somehow been buffered from all of that. Ah, well, I love it. And yeah, just having a good time. Yeah. Good. I just got a little spacey. Yeah.

So it's good. There you go. But it's hot. It is hot. Uh-huh. Okay. Good. Well, that was great, Mike.

We have a podcast where we talk about our lives and I fucking tee you up and you just, I don't know what that was. Well, I don't know what to say, really. I haven't had any like crazy experiences. I'm trying to remember them. Like I haven't gone on any expeditions or anything. It's actually, it's a work trip for Hannah. And so, and I'm helping her with that. And then I have had annoying zooms that

I've had to do. And so we're in an amazing location, but it's not a full, like, oh my God, we went zip lining. Oh my God, we rented jet skis. It's like, whenever we get a break, we run down to the ocean or we lay out, you know, try to lay out. As soon as you're dry, you're like, I'm done. It's too hot. Yeah. When we went, it was also super hot. And we went on these kayaks through, if you go to the North, we were in the center central part of Costa Rica. There's a lake called Lake Arenal, which is incredible. And it's got a bunch of, what do you call it, mineral springs.

And you go to one, and it's got 10 different levels. And the higher you go, the hotter it is. So there's pools on 10 different levels. And they go from, like, room temperature to so scalding you can't even get in. And then you get massages by by the side of it and uh and then and then we went to the north which is on the border of nicaragua and we actually were right on the border and um was nicaragua yeah nicaragua and uh you go canoeing and they have these alligator type things. I forget what they're called. They're like they're like small alligators.

OK. Yeah. Yeah. Right. There were fucking literally hundreds. They're crocodiles. Hundreds of them surrounding your boat. It was crazy.

Wow. Yeah. I've also realized how weak my brain has gotten. So, you know, whenever we've traveled throughout our lodge, you go and like, you try to find like, I remember like, what's a beer, you know, you try to find some barometer for the currency exchange rate. And I remember Mexico chopped off a lot of zeros. I'm sure there's a more technical way of saying that, but off their peso, uh, many years ago,

well, Costa Rica should do the same. So $10 is 5,558 Costa Rican, whatever it is. Colognes. Yeah. 5,558 is 10 bucks. I need to cut some zeros. Yeah. $5,558 is $10. Yeah, I need to cut some zeros.

Yeah. So I haven't been too great at that. So it's just credit card. Credit card no matter what it is. All right. Speaking of white guys, St. Patrick's Day show is coming up March 17th. It's the 18th year in a row, not including the pandemic, where we held

it at a golf course instead. Hey, remember my bit? Get this. Remember my bit that I was actually most proud of, and I knew it was such low-hanging fruit, and I did it at a bunch of St. Patrick's. So I've been doing it for like five years, six years,

but about wheeled luggage and how recent wheeled luggages and how insane it is. Like we would, as kids drag wheeled luggages from the eighties and, uh, and anyway, and I had a bit of like when the wheel came out and like, and you,

we would bring our heavy bags and drag them to a Porter who used a dolly. And we still didn't get it. We still didn't like, you know, ah, Jim Jeffries does this whole routine. Oh, he does.

Yes. Oh Jesus. And I'm, you know, I golfed 18 holes with him and I'm like, did I ever bring that? And it's shame, you know,

if I did, that's it's fair game, but it's like, I wonder a new bit for him and I'm like, did I ever bring that? And if I did, that's it's fair game. But it's like, I wonder a new bit for him. Yeah. Oh, no, it's in his current special right now. I just watched it. I'm like, oh, shit. No, listen, it's super obvious to me.

Like I, as I would talk about it, I can't couldn't believe it hadn't been done. It's so crazy. Typical white man and then he talked about i think just to just to uh you know boast a little i think i had a better example he did with neil armstrong that he was going to the moon that day and when he left the house he's like bye honey and lifted up a really heavy suitcase until like but mine was uh what's his name from a brief history of time the smart i chose the smartest man in the world steven hogging smartest man because he himself was wheeled luggage he's in a wheelchair he still didn't fucking you know you could put wheels on your back on my heavy suitcase. You could wheel it alongside me.

You have to say it like him. Don't say it like that. Yeah. Well, when I did that, remember the girl goes, oh, because I did it. He had just died. They're like, too soon. I'm like, oh, now you know everything about time. Oh, okay.

There is no, according to Steven, nothing's too soon. So like an hour ago, I had a guy's finger up my asshole. Went to the doctor, got my checkup. Oh, I thought this was about time and you were really talking about your childhood. But what's time? So it might as well be an hour ago. No, I'm changing the subject. I had my doctor, Dr. Isaacson, who's a fine physician in Santa Monica.

I'm sure he loves being named. Every year, he knows that in order to put his finger up my ass, he needs to tell me a joke. That's our running gag. Because doctors always have their little joke before they give you the proctology exam. And so this was this year's joke. He goes, now don't be calling me another doctor's name while I'm doing this. I was like, all right, that's fine. Put it in.

That's pretty good. Put it in? Oh, put the, yeah. He fucking put it in far, though, this year. I think he might have put his second finger in. Is it weird that he wore a condom i get the glove but i get the mitten yeah he went in deep and it's weird because like you really you feel it in your penis when the prostate is being rubbed, your penis gets a little bit tingly.

Oh, more than that. Yeah. They even say you might leak a little bit. I looked down because I felt like I was leaking. So I've got my hands on it and my elbows on the table and I'm looking down at my penis and it shrunk. Like my penis shrunk back. It got as small as it can get and i was looking for leakage there was no leakage but it was it was very embarrassing because then

i turned around and he did the uh the ball exam but at that point i was not proud of my wares right right you know no of course not no it No, he caught you at a bad moment. Yeah. He must catch everyone at a bad moment, though, if that's the order in which he does things. And I had already fluffed before he came in the office. You know, I got myself to a nice place. He should, out of respect,

for many reasons in the opposite order, including hygiene. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're not in the mood to have a full-blown erection in front of your doctor after he's gone up your butt or maybe you are maybe that is why he does it most guys are a little chubbed up after that he but then he started playing with my balls like you know you had to feel i shouldn't say playing you know balls. Like, you know, you have to feel. I shouldn't say playing.

You know, he was feeling. Yeah, you've named him. He was feeling my balls. Well, everybody knows doctors do this. He didn't do anything that was not by the book. But when he rubs your balls, like, it took like 30 seconds. And it literally got to the point where I was like, all right, we're going to start to. There's going to be.

We're going to be in play here in a minute. Do you have health insurance? I'm getting turned on. Well, listen, the prostate thing is probably, it has, listen, this is the time you have to, you know, odds are this is when it would happen. Like they have to be more thorough. No, my mom had prostate cancer. So they actually check for me. Usually you get it done every 10 years. For me, they do it every five years.

Wait, who had it? My mom. I don't think so. Greg. Yeah. They got it really early. No,

like colon cancer. She had colon cancer. Like how early did they get it? When she was a boy? I didn't tell you about my mom, Mr. Fitzsimmons? She transitioned. She was way ahead of the game. Greg, I hate to tell you, the doctor's been lying to your mom about her having a prostate,

and he just likes jamming his fingers up her asshole once a year. And that your mom hasn't called bullshit on it. I wouldn't even get involved. And weekly physicals seem like a lot. But, you know, you're in Florida. They know what they're talking about. Yeah, they do. So that was my morning. Wow, All right. You've recovered quite well.

But it is amazing. Like he checked everything out. And I said to the nurse before she checked me, I go, she goes, get on the scale. I go, I don't need to. I'm 150 pounds. I've been 150 pounds for 20 years. And she goes, not 149, not 151. I go 150 pounds on the nose. So I get on the scale and it said 152 and she fat shamed me. And then I got undressed and put on the little gown, got back on the scale, 150.0. Wow. Yeah. But it's amazing when the doctor starts checking you out and everything works.

Eyes, ears, throat, dick, asshole, heart. Every test they did, they were like, perfect, perfect, perfect. And we know it's not true. But I mean, so many things can go wrong. There's so many things that can go wrong with you. And yet somehow your body replicates its DNA. It recreates you every period of time. Every piece of matter in your body is replaced every X number of hours or days with new stuff that your DNA is replicating.

And somehow it all fucking works. I mean, obviously it doesn't. Some people get sick. But most of us manage to keep, like your car breaks down all the time. But our bodies just keep fucking going. Yeah. Well, hopefully, God willing, right? Or God not willing, depending on your level of depression.

That too. Well, good. You're healthy, man. God willing, right? Or God not willing, depending on your level of depression. That too. Well, good. You're healthy, man. I had this guy in the front row the other night, and I asked him if he ever tried to kill himself. Huh. That's nice crowd work.

Well, because he was such a bummer. I was like, man, you're a fucking downer. You ever tried to kill yourself? He's like, no. I go, have you thought about it? And he said, yes. And I said, did you plan a fucking downer you ever tried to kill yourself he's like no I go have you thought about it and he said yes and I said did you plan how you would do it and he said yes I go well then that's a red flag

because the doctor will always say that to you you ever notice that yeah yeah yeah did you make a plan I thought his joke was like yes I'm going to shove this straw right through my eyeball on your next non punch line. Yeah. So I've never thought about how I would do it.

I'm safe. Yeah. Same. It's quite disturbing i i was very very very late in life when i realized how uh hanging is not what i thought it was and it's much easier oh really and much more and much more peaceful yeah because you lose consciousness before you really start gagging right oh it has nothing to do with hanging literally hanging you know what i mean like you're full all you do is well i don't want to talk about it but it's robin williams it's uh it's it's robin how robin williams did it it's how brody did it uh matt malloy had this he was talking about this at dinner last night he's like he had health insurance or life insurance and it was about to expire and so he goes i should just call the insurance company and be like all right listen i got a

five hundred thousand dollar policy that's payable to my wife it expires in 30 days i'm gonna fucking hang myself and you're gonna owe her the full half a million dollars or you can pay me 250 right now he goes i got an offshore account use a ven He goes, nobody needs to know about it, but you can save your company $250,000. Yeah. And then we walk away. Then I'm on my own. Mine ran out. I had life insurance for 20 years and then we were 20. It just expired literally like two months ago. I had term life insurance for like 22 years. Yep. I got one.

I think I'd got it for, yeah, maybe I got it for 30 years. I don't know why I would have done that. Girls are still going. Mine is still going, but I've thought of just stopping. They say,

I don't know. Need it to your kids. Get out of college. Yeah. So I don't know. Uh, yeah kids get out of college yeah so i don't know uh yeah i still have it i still have it welcome to the old man podcast yeah jesus what are we doing let's go logo thanks to our logo adam copeland hand drew this beautiful uhager the Horrible it's you and you're rescuing me I thought it was Blondie but it's not it's just a blonde woman

and last week we wondered who the Photoshop was of and it was indeed Robocop a number of people pointed out our song this week first of all I can't say enough about how great the song is.

It's very metal. It's, it's, it's heavy metal and it's by Trevor Minnick, but it also has a video. So we're going to ask you to stick around at the end of the podcast and watch Trevor's video that accompanies this song, which is kick ass.

And my apologies to Trevor. I haven't heard it yet. I'm out of the country. So I will watch it and listen to it after this. Okay. And then when you're back in the country, I will email you the video. You're going to wait until I'm back in the country. Well, I don't know why you're being out wait till I'm back in the country. Well, I don't know. I don't know why you being out of the country.

It's not like we huddle around a laptop together when you're living here in, in LA. You didn't send me the, the, the song. I know, but it's just funny that you're trying to say you're out of the country. So you can't see the video.

I'm near the jungle. It's a different way of life here. Corrections at the beginning of last week's show greg referred to billy joel songs as being part of the last us on hbo am i missing something i don't recall a single billy joel song in that show was greg possibly thinking about the boys on amazon prime yes you are correct, Ryan in Chicago. He goes on to say, as for the vibes on Sunday Papers Land, it feels like mom and dad are fighting.

Greg is clearly annoyed at Mike for doing zero show prep, and I can't say I blame him. Between the two hosts, one of them spent a week on a tour bus, and the other didn't load one goddamn story into the spreadsheet. What gives, Mike? I don't get the impression you have a super busy work schedule. I am near the jungle. First of all, that was not the week you were on the bus.

I think that week I actually did my part and more than my part and I loaded it and I was happy to do. And then this week I'm responsible for most of at least the lead stories for sure. But you do a lot of work on this. No doubt about it. But Ryan, Ryan, yeah. Ryan tapped in. That was, yeah, that was bad last week. Jedi powers is the person who sent this. Philadelphia Freedom wasn't written for Billy Joel. It's worse. It was written for the newly formed Alternative Tennis League

as a them song for the Philadelphia Freedom tennis team captained by Chris Everett, who made Elton John write it to be part of the team. It makes the song almost tolerable now because of how stupid the real reason is. I think it's a team song for the Philadelphia Freedom. Not a them song, maybe. I don't know.

I read this and then it came on the radio just coincidentally yesterday. And I listened to it. And once again, our good friend Bernie Taupin is so obtuse. That I could not understand a single thing the lyric was meaning. It's garbage. It's absolute garbage. Yet we all hum, can hum that song, and it's catchy as hell. Catchy as shit.

And think about this assignment if that is true. and think about this assignment. If that is true, Hey, genius guy, you have to just come up with a musical, uh, piece of art, uh, for a women's tennis team in the seventies. Yeah. Yeah. Is that what I'm understanding? And he nails it. And it's literally it's on the radio today are you looking up the lyrics right now i'm trying to look up the lyrics right now okay here we go it would be so great if we had a producer who was actually on our call i got this even even even when i'm in the jungle. I don't even know. I used to be a rolling stone, you know, if I ever wrote a first line of a poem or song with, you know, you know, yeah, it's time to cross it out. New start. Yeah. If I used to be a Rolling Stone, you know, if a cause was right, I'd leave to find the answer on the road. I used to be a heart beaten for someone. But the times have changed.

The less I say, the more my work gets done. Because I live and breathe this Philadelphia freedom from the day that I was born. Live and breathe this Philadelphia freedom. From the day that I was born, I've waved the flag. Philadelphia freedom took me knee high to a man. Yeah. Gave a peace of mind my daddy never had. He took me knee high to a man. It took me from when I was knee high to a man. I thought it meant he was on his knees in front of a man.

If you chose to, you can live your life alone some people chose the city some others chose the good old family home i like living easy without family ties uh till the whippoorwill of freedom zapped me right between the it's it's like he hates elton john good luck with whippoorwill yeah right what the hell it's it's like an exercise in a creative writing class where the teacher goes i'm to give you a bunch of refrigerator magnets. Get really high and then come up with something. Oh, my God. Anyway, all right. Okay, well, thanks for pointing that out, Jedi powers.

All right. So now, Miriam Webster raised the hackles of stodgy grammarians last week when it affirmed the lexical veracity of irregardless. This is a word that we've had so much mail about, whether or not irregardless is a word. The word's definition, when reading it, would seem to be without regard. Irregardless is included in our dictionary because it has been in widespread and near constant use since 1795.

They wrote, we do not make the English language, we merely record it. They define irregardless as non-standard, but meaning the same as regardless. Many people find irregardless to be a nonsensical word, as the IR prefix usually functions to indicate negation. However, in this case, it appears to function as an intensifier, the dictionary writes. So there is no logic to there being a word irregardless, because it does mean the same thing as regardless. because it does mean the same thing as regardless. Maybe I'm just tired, but it's like disregardless. It almost should apply to that also, but with disregard. Brad Court sent that in.

No regard. Do not disregard this. Disregardless is not a word. I want you to regard this. Philadelphia Freedom. I will be celebrating that in Philly at Helium Comedy Club March 9th through the 11th. Those shows will sell out. Get your tickets in advance. In Los Angeles, the Hollywood Improv, St. Patrick's Day, March 17th, Mike Gibbons, Dennis Gubbins, and myself will welcome several other big-name guests.

I always bring on big-name guests to the show. That will also sell out. Get your tickets. St. Louis at the Grand El Theater, April 1st. Those tickets go on sale this week. Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, April 13th through 15th. Oxnard, Levity Live, April 22nd. Escondido, April 28th and 29th.

Also coming to Columbia, Missouri, Kansas City, and Boston. Go to FitzDawg.com for all your ticketing needs. Look at that. You got some paper? No paper. There's no paper here. Extra! Extra!

We all about it! Extra! In this country. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Ah, look what I found. A newspaper. This thing is so tired and soggy and over-crinkled. It sounds like I'm petting a kitten more than I'm crinkling a newspaper.

All right, well, from our front page, Republican firebrand Marjorie Taylor Greene says the U.S. needs a national divorce between red and blue states. Wait, before you go on, can I just ask you a question? This Marjorie Taylor Greene person, who has emerged in the last couple of years as a major mouthpiece for the far right, why does she have power? I mean, there are hundreds of Congress people. as a major mouthpiece for the far right. Why does she have power? I mean, there are hundreds of Congress people. And somehow, like, nothing she ever says should be reported.

I mean, it's mostly the ravings of a madwoman. And somehow she has co-opted the press to transcribe everything she says, and it's putting issues on the table that are non-issues. Am I reading this wrong? I don't think they ever get to the table, and I think they're, like, humoring her a little bit. You know, I mean, like, she's very ineffective, and they have her voting record, all that stuff. Anyway, but it's the same thing that they do

with the crazy woke people on the left yeah the press loves a fight and they love making news with their news and um and that's what they're doing so what they're doing is they're taking extremists from both sides and those are the voices you're hearing yeah when aoc says things like you know uh we're gonna pay for everybody's college and every and she lists all the things. It's like, all right, that's never going to get done. So why? It's making the left look bad. This Marjorie Taylor Greene is making the right look bad. And yet the press has the option of not not reporting that kind of stuff.

Yeah. Anyway, same with the same with the Sunday papers, right? Um, a surprising number of Americans agree with the Georgia fire brand, uh, that the United States needs a national divorce where red and blue states would separate and the federal government would be shrunk. 34% of the 1000 likely voters surveyed said they agree Greene, but still 57% disagree with the premise.

From the sick and disgusting woke culture issues shoved down our throats to the Democrats' traitorous America last policies, we are done, Taylor Greene insisted, of Republican sentiment toward the opposing party. Well, I say bring it on. I would love a, quote, divorce from red states at this point. And good luck to you. Well, first of all, in a divorce, you got to split stuff up. And who gets like who gets Michigan and Wisconsin? They're they're purple.

You know, they're they're blue gets Michigan. Red gets Wisconsin. They're they're like the CDs that that we bought together at a thrift store while we were high that day. And then we went back to the apartment and fooled around to the Strokes and Erykah Badu, you know, and Pennsylvania is that dog we met on a hike in the Palisades. Who gets Pennsylvania Pete? Why can't we just work it out? Why can't mom and dad stay together? I wonder if there's a real thought out plan.

I'm sure actually intelligent authors have explored the issue. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know how it would happen. The red states can't survive on their own. I mean, that's just a fact. Well, especially when you when you look at that, there are blue. What do they call it when there's a blue city inside of a red state or a red city inside of a blue state? Yeah, like Atlanta and Nashville and Austin. And how about Houston? Houston is blue, my friend. Is it really? Yeah. And those are the money centers. If you were to take those cities out of those states, they would collapse. That's what drives them. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. But, I mean, listen, some red states would survive and do just fine.

You know, if you're looking at Georgia. Well, is Georgia red? Georgia's red. Okay. Is it? Didn't it go Biden? Actually, I think it's shading towards purple at this point. You love this purple thing. Yeah.

But, you know, most, you know, we don't have to go into it, but they need to be supported. They need to be in the divorce. There would there would they still want the the support, the child support for all the children, meaning the adults? The support, the child support for all the children, meaning the adults. I think if you took L.A. and San Francisco out of California, it would be a red state. Yeah. Are there any blue states with red cities? Well, New York has them now. Yeah. That was the disappointing thing if you're if you're a new yorker if you're a blue new yorker the disappointing thing was all these red pockets popping up oh sure

though in every yeah of course california orange county yeah although there's a lot orange county is not as republican orange county was the most Republican part of the country during Reagan. But now they're saying it's actually become blue. All right. Read the next story. Which one of our video of Biden saying he's reinstating the draft is a deep fake. deep fake in the video biden says the first to be called for the draft will be men and women uh-oh whose 20th birthday falls during the calendar year 2023 which is my son yeah first of all i think that's too young i think a lot i think you're not getting any of the millennials in there and they have to go but what i loved about of all, you could tell this video is fake because it is the most articulate Biden's ever been. There wasn't a mumble. There wasn't like one of his, God bless him. He has a stammer. There weren't stammers.

Like if you're going to make a believable, at least put in the stuff that he's struggling with on a, you know, every day. Yeah. it looked like a rumpled shirt that was suddenly ironed and dry cleaned yeah i wish this deep fake were our president and if this really was biden he he would have said the draft will begin with men named hunter born in 1970 please get him out of here they gotta be looking for like hacky comedians that do Biden impressions right now. So they could, so they can loop in the, uh, the words, the Biden words, you know, because the guy who did this was not even,

it was not even a good Biden impression at all. Right. Um, uh, but soon it's going to be, I mean, you know, you see the deep fakes that are so convincing. Yeah. Uh, but soon it's going to be, I mean, you know, you see the deep fakes that are so convincing. Yeah. Uh, but imagine, you know, it gets back to, if there's a draft, good luck speaking to the me, me, me. It's not just those people I was talking about, but it's this whole country is what can, what can my country do for me?

So a draft is not, I don't even, I don't even think it could work on any level. Right. No more. Let's do the next story. Hidden illegal casinos are booming in Los Angeles with organized crime reaping big profits. So that sounds kind of fun, right? Here were the opening lines of the article

on these hidden casinos which are booming in LA. Here's the line. One thing was clear from the body lying in the Boyle Heights street. The woman was no victim of robbery. Whoever pumped four bullets behind her left ear didn't touch the thousand dollars in her purse, the bills clutched in her hand, or the diamond ring on her right index finger. Deputies eventually would learn the woman was part of an underground gambling circuit booming in Los Angeles. She had worked in an illegal casino known as a casita. Like a modern day speakeasy, they are hidden in homes and warehouses in the back rooms of smoke shops and behind storefronts that pretend to be legitimate businesses.

The ultimate beneficiaries, the Mexican mafia, the prison-based syndicate that oversees Latino street gangs in Southern California. Anyway, it goes on to talk that these are sometimes called tap-taps and slap houses for the sounds audible from outside the house of gamblers, furiously working the joysticks, which we'll get to in a second, and the buttons of their most popular attraction, the fish game. The fish game. Dude, let's play some fish game. Do you know what this is? Never heard of it.

Same. It's played on a machine that looks like a pool table with a screen where the felt would be. Gamblers. Okay. So when I first heard of this story, I'm like, this all sounded like dark and decadent with an air of like clandestine coolness, you know? And then you hear that these guys are sitting around a table manipulating joysticks to harpoon digital fish that are flickering across the screen they're like grown babies like it's right playing like a child's game right i know imagine like imagine like a real like i was picturing like i got a

full house he says hi what do you got i got 14 fish well i mean look at the fucking video games that people play in casinos you know the slot machine you know it's the adams family and the simpsons and it's it's childish it's all um but but it's tough to stop because what are you gonna do like put them further in jail they They're already in jail. If you catch them, that's the perfect cover. I'm already in jail. It's like having AIDS. Once you have it, I don't have to use a condom anymore.

I got AIDS. Oh, boy. Yeah. Good view. No, but it's like why that woman has four bullets in her head. Like, what does the guy have to lose? He's like, I think she might, there might've been an accusation that she was stealing. And so it's, so the guy in jail, that's the easiest decision he's ever, he's made in like that day. Yeah. Yeah. Take her out. Right. Right. Pin it on me. If anyone asks, just say I did it.

He has a great alibi. Where were you? Well, you know where I was. You know my number. I was doing laundry. Yeah. So anyway, but I have not heard from anybody. I mean, but then I thought it was card games and dice and everything,

and then I heard it was this. No wonder I haven't heard of anybody going to these. We'll get to dice in a minute when we get to the Gubbins story. Anyway, a Texas lawmaker who authored a bill that would restrict drag performances appears to have dressed in drag himself while a student. Now, this isn't the only wasn't there another politician that also got? Yes. So Tennessee beat Texas. Tennessee beat Texas to actually writing it into law. And the governor, I think his name is Lee of Tennessee. In his high school yearbook, he's dressed as a woman. Well, a video that surfaced this week appears to show Texas state Republican Nate Schatzlein, a Republican skipping, running, and dancing in a park while donning a black sequined dress and a red eye mask. At the end of the roughly 90-second video, which plays over the song Sexy Lady, the four participants are named, including Schatzlein, whose character is called the Virgin.

Well. What is going on here? Not only is a guy who voted for drag wearing drag, at least we know that he probably didn't pay for an abortion, as opposed to most of the other Republicans in Texas. And he's pro-mas mask way before max became vogue yeah um he looks good did you see the video i'd fuck him you know i shouldn't in fairness i did read about like because when tennessee passed this law right i was like well wait

we need definitions here what does that mean like what about when a performer comes what about when harry styles comes to your giant stadium in in nashville and he's wearing a dress and he has nail polish on and he probably has makeup all like you know where does that fall but it's not that it's more targeted towards sort of a sex acts like, or sexual, uh, suggestive sexual, uh, things in the performance. I'm listening. So I think, I think Harry Styles is safe, but he should just, I mean, I, I, I think some performers, I think Harry Styles is safe, but he should just, I mean, I, I, I think some performers, you know, might, might boycott some of these States that do this.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. I don't know. I think, I think I should go to Nashville and, uh, put on a show and drag. Yeah. You'll make press, but you have to be gross. You have to do something. That's fine.

And it would help if kids were in the audience. That's another thing there that the goal of this law. A kid in my audience is someone under the age of 45. Then they've seen all your tricks. Raymond or Rosso and his family went to celebrate his wife's birthday at a restaurant in Carmel Valley, California. And as they're about to enjoy dessert, a man seated alone at a nearby table, who is reportedly a Silicon Valley CEO, started to verbally abuse them. It's so funny. you're sitting alone most people when they're sitting alone like when i'm on the road and i'm alone at a restaurant i just don't want to be seen i'm kind of embarrassed that i'm alone i just want to blend in this motherfucker starts hurling racial slurs alone yeah and shouted expletives at the asian american, and it was all captured on video. But before he could finish his hateful speech,

one of the waitresses, Janika Cochran, stepped in and became a hero. She acted on instinct, and even she was surprised by her reaction. To hear the emotion coming out of my voice, to see my mannerisms, it was unbelievable. It was something that just came over me. I didn't know.

I just did what needed to be done, she told ABC7. So now Raymond and his family are thanking this heroic waitress who spoke up in the face of racism. In fact, several GoFundMe campaigns have raised over $40,000 in tips for her. Wow. So next week, a guy is going to berate a black family and she's going to step in. And after paying the actors,

she's looking to clear about $25,000. First of all, a Silicon Valley CEO who doesn't like Asians, I don't know if this story is adding up to me. Yeah, yeah. I could see him yelling at them But that's just because they're not working hard enough They're not programming enough

I mean, there is no shortage Of incredibly intelligent Asians All over Silicon Valley Well done, well done Mike But on the other hand Did he not think one of them wouldn't have a camera and record the whole thing come on i mean do you know what these silicon valley ceos make these guys make 10 million dollars a year that dude just lost 10 million dollars by being think they can make a lot

more than that. Well, let's look up what was his name? Did it have it here? They did not list his name. I wonder why. Curious what that dude made. $10 million,

that's entry-level money for a Silicon Valley CEO. Yeah. All right. Let's talk about Ford. Their latest patent application shows a bizarre new way that cars can be repossessed in the future if their owners don't make payments on time.

Ford describes the use of a repossession system computer that can facilitate the process. It starts out with minor annoyances that would cause discomfort to the vehicle owner. If a driver ignores warnings about their missing payments, the process would begin with the computer disabling functionality of features like cruise control, GPS, air conditioning, and the radio. The computer could also prompt the car to start emitting an incessant

and unpleasant sound whenever the driver is there. Yeah, and then it starts to leak a fart smell. Christopher Cross plays over and over again on the radio. If the owner still doesn't act on the missing payment warning, the computer will really raise the stakes. The car may lock its owner out. And if you break in and you drive it, it will drive you head on into another guy who hasn't made his payments.

That's the one I like. Why wouldn't it just simply not start if you owe it like, like it's been repossessed? Well, it wants to encourage because they want to get paid. They want to get their payment for the car. And if they just lock you out now, you got to take the car back and,

and you won't get a dime. But if you just annoy them a little bit, maybe they'll pay. Maybe it'll be automatically programmed to drive you to one of these illegal casinos. Right. So you can make the money to pay them? Yeah, get enough fish and then you make your payment.

Show up to the Ford dealership with a sack of fish? All right, good news for Gubbins. Good news for Gubbins. Good news for Gubbins. Well, as people know, Gubbins had a major knee operation about, you know, it's been over two weeks now. Oh, wow. All right. Yeah. Two weeks ago. So he's been laid up on his couch. And I mean, the thing about Dennis Gubbins is he's overweight. Would you consider him obese or just overweight?

He's not obese. He is overweight and he's got a very large belly. And he's and I'm worried because he's been on the couch for two weeks and people just come by. He has so many friends. I've never seen anybody with so many friends. Every time I stop by, there's two or three people there and they all bring food and he eats all of it and he's getting no exercise. So I'm a little worried about his weight. Yeah, I'm a little worried about his cane. Can it can it can it handle it? He did a funny post with his he has a purple cane. it he did a funny post with his uh he has a purple cane so uh i take it back it wasn't funny but he he switched you know purple rain to purple cane i don't even know why i'm talking about funny

it was because it was intentionally cheesy and bad yeah um and then we go over there and we play this dice game called uh one four 24 i think yeah and uh you you you you gamble so there's been a lot of gambling going on and he's eating a lot of edibles and he loves oh we were gonna ask he he just like in everything else other competitive situations. He yells a lot and he hates the way I play this dice game. But here, if there's any people listening who are good at math and who are good at percentages and odds, uh, do this problem for us.

You have two dice. No, I'm trying to think of the easiest way to say this. You have two dice and the odds, the, the, you want to get the highest roll possible and you roll it and you get a, let's say one of them's low, but one of them's a five. Do you keep the five or do you pick up both dice? And this is what would have to happen.

You'd pick up both dice and you would then get two rolls. You roll two dice and you have to keep the highest one from that. And then you get to roll one die. So that's the question. You have a five in the hand. And if you have two rolls and you're allowed to keep both dice or one of the dice after one roll. No, no, you're right. That probably was. No, that was confusing because what happens is a bunch of dice and each time you

have to keep one. So here's the idea is you have the choice of keeping the five and then you would just roll one die, right? Or it's kind of like, uh, the, uh,

make it, let's make a deal. Or you know what? I'm going to roll both of them, keep one. And then I roll the, uh, the last one. I'm going to roll both of them, keep one, and then I roll the last one, and I have to keep that. There's no way anybody's going to understand this. It's too hard to understand.

I think someone who knows. No, I think gamblers and people who know odds know exactly what I'm talking about. What about the other hundreds of thousands of people that are listening to the podcast? Oh, they stopped long ago today, I think. I think I got rid of them with my there are a lot of there are a lot of exit ramps on this one today there's a lot of exit ramps before what are the odds that they stuck around why don't we just call this the fish this podcast but you know what i mean do you do you keep the five or do you think with two rolls i want to know anyway dennis all right

uh we don't have any entertainment stories but we thought we'd talk about some stuff we've seen recently uh so on the flight uh i started watching groundhog Day and, uh, I'm on United and, uh, and then I landed before it was over. I'm like, no problem. Cause I had to make a connection and then I connect and I get on and unlike Groundhog Day, uh, I could not watch it again. Uh, it was not on the international leg of the flight. So, so I have, and i actually forget how the movie ends but you know many many people have called it you know one of the more perfect screenplays and it's been copied enough times how many groundhog day reboots with different titles have come out yeah but i'm sure it copied something too you know like i'm sure there are plenty of short stories and books and stuff.

Well, sci fi. Yeah, there's a Christmas Christmas story. What's that? The one about. Oh, right, right, right, right. No, right. Of course. Past and present and future.

Yeah, it's kind of like that. But obviously it's great. And then so on the second flight, I watched Summer of Soul, which I had never seen. And it was really impressive. Loved Summer of Soul. I think it won the Oscar for best documentary. It was set in 1967 or 69. Guess who presented the award?

Chris Rock. Yes. And Questlove produced it and didn't get his proper due. he came up when the whole place was still like what just happened yeah yeah so it came out in 1969 no it never came out it was shot it was the same year as woodstock and it was over that summer and it was actually called the Black Woodstock, which is did not help the marketability of it. Yeah. At that time. Right. And we landed we landed on the moon during one of the you know, during the concerts. Oh, yeah. That was a big thing. The Harlem Cultural Festival shot in 1969.

Yeah, that was a big thing. The Harlem Cultural Festival shot in 1969. And it was very hot when they shot it. And there was I just remember Sly and the Family Stone. Amazing. We're amazing. No, he's like some alien who just landed there. Like he turns around, you look at him. he's he was so me and you know what was really interesting musically was uh and they talk about it is stevie wonder was still primarily like motown like yeah eager eager to please songs catchy you know all that um all those guys were told to wear suits and you know one of the things that barry gordon did was he like, we've got to be palatable. We've got to be attractive to the white audience without the white audience. We're not in business. And, and he goes, so you have to be so presentable, so non-threatening, you know, so easy for them to, uh, like, and so they were all dressed so well and all suit and tie the pip and, you know, glad to sign the pips were there and they're all there in their suits.

And, um, and then you have these guys who were like, fuck that. And it's Hendricks and it's sly stone who are like, I am just going to let my freak, you know, freak flag fly and just wear whatever I want.

And it's going to be outrageous. Yeah. Cause this is just how I feel. And Stevie wonder was also musically was like right there where it's like, do I keep doing catchy pop songs or am I going to talk about what's going on and also just get incredibly funky? Yeah. Yeah. It was, um, Mahalia Jackson, Jackson Gladys Knight the pips um oh you know you know who know who I'm really it's it's so regrettable I am so late Nina Simone came on and had such gravity oh my god yeah and I've heard I've been told by so many people to see the

documentary on her and I haven't done it yet. But yeah, because I think that song she wrote, Young, Gifted and Black, I think had become like a real anthem for the black rights movement. And she came out and sang that. And yeah, it was very powerful. So anyway, highly recommend it. All right, you have Last of Us written here? Yeah, I mean, I've been watching Last of Us, and people are mixed on it. Some people don't like it. I went for the ride.

I hate zombie movies. I have, as soon as the zombies, not to, no spoiler, but you'll know within 30 seconds it's a zombie movie. But it's a great, it's a great series, despite the fact that zombies appear pretty i haven't heard it's bad actually yeah um but isn't it more more like cormac mccarthy you know like blood meridian or whatever it was like you know post-apocalyptic you you know, and all that. Yeah. It's post-apocalyptic for sure. Um, but, uh, the road, right. The road. Yeah. Thank you. Not blood meridian. I just read the road last year.

Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, it doesn't, it's say on your purse. Doesn't it say on your prescription antidepressants Don't read Cormac McCarthy Don't operate heavy machinery Don't read Cormac McCarthy Although you can read All the Pretty Horses wasn't that bleak Oh god I read that That's a beautiful book

And I don't remember it But you know who's in it is the girl from Game of Thrones Who's got a giant forehead oh okay she's very good although her forehead is even bigger all right and she looks downsy she's got like little beady eyes that are set close to each other all right i don't know how she gets work. I mean, it's a it's a testament to show business that that Anna Anna Wershing is her name. It's a testament to show business that she gets work because she's not traditionally attractive or untraditionally attractive. So you're saying she should have been one of the zombies.

Yes. Okay. All right, we're going to make America Florida. Let's make America Florida. Shannon Hunter, 44, of Plant City, was required last week to submit a urine sample to probation officers after pleading guilty to felony drug charges in January. But Hunter tried to dupe the officers and pass the drug test. According to her arrest affidavit, she was busted after she, quote, attempted to use a prescription pill container full of an unknown liquid to pass her urinalysis after she was arrested for failing

the urine test police said she admitted to hiding the pill container inside of herself while many tried to pass urine tests with either synthetic urine or urine from a clean individual hunter had filled the pill container with a mixture of soda and tap water, which would have undoubtedly resulted in a failed sample. Uh, yeah, your, your analysis came back, uh, Hunter and, uh, Shannon, I mean, and, um, exactly how much water down RC Cola are you drinking? The doctor wants to know. Yeah.

Shannon, bad news is you're going to jail. Good news is you won't need to buy fountain drinks at the commissary. Turns out you're a dispenser. It's like a fairy tale. Instead of like the goose laying the golden egg, the meth head who pisses Diet Coke. Fairytale, instead of like the goose laying the golden egg, the meth head who pisses Diet Coke. They are definitely going to do that cavity search when she does go to jail because she could get in a lot of drugs if she wanted to. Oh, think about the excitement of doing cavity searches on this woman.

She's like one of those Russian stacking dolls. Well well what do we have here it is like oh a dr pepper wait a minute hold up a dozen roses 12 pack of fresco what's going on here all right sports yapper ryan patterson wrote us a note uh you briefly touched on grest gretzky's goat status in last week's podcast and i thought i'd provide some perspective Gretzky is of course the all-time leader in both goals scored and assists thus he's the all-time leader in points points are goals plus assists I think you get two points for a goal and one point for an assist but how far ahead is he of everyone else if Gretzky never scored one nhl goal take that stat out of the equation entirely he still

has enough assists to be the all-time leading point scorer in nhl history it's amazing yeah so yeah he's that much better uh nfl legend tom brady has drawn up a game plan for a new career in stand-up comedy. Oh, boy. His inner circle is trying to talk him out of it. The Tampa Bay Bucs ego inflated when Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, and Rita Moreno gushed over him in the recent comedy Flick 80 for Brady. Comedy flick 80 for Brady. And sources said the experience left him feeling like an all-pro comic. The ladies were super nice to him, and he did a real nice job reading professional written material,

but he'll be playing in a whole different league if he takes up the stand-up stage, said the insider. Quote, he does a great impersonation of former teammate Rob Gronkowski, and his over-the-top Boston accent is hilarious. Oh, good. Oh, good. That's one thing we're really lacking in the nightclubs is a good is a good Boston accent. Bill Burr hasn't covered that yet. Also, you have greenlit yourself to pursue this career after you made three 80-year-old women laugh, that was the deciding factor. Right, yeah. Oh, my God.

He'll probably do it. He'll have a great set, get offstage, and then try to go back on and do an encore and suck a bag of dicks. Well, I hope he is funny. I'm supposed to work with him if he's going to do this roast that was all announced. And then he unretired and pushed it back a year. So we'll see what happens. He's also such a better target now.

I don't know if he's going to be willing to feel that vulnerable. Because when he signed up. I thought this thing was supposed to be happening now, this roast. After the Super Bowl. Yeah, that's what he said at the beginning of the season. up i thought this thing was supposed to be happening now this roast after the super bowl yeah that's what he said at the beginning of the season but uh but since then he has what many feel is uh not exactly a bulletproof season then he got divorced and uh the crypto thing where he lost millions so like he's a lot has happened which has not been good in the last year for him yeah except that he got offered 300 something million dollars to become a broadcaster

for fox uh someone here yeah no that's true sent in uh who is it now jay lasala sent in something about Philly fans, and it is Jalen Brown talking about Philly fans. Quote, it got a little disrespectful before the game. We were entering the arena. There was people saying, I hope you tear your ACL. Isn't that nice? So nice to put that in the head of a professional athlete who would lose everything. All right, let's get down to this day in history.

All right. March 5th, 1969, the same as the summer of... Yeah. Jim Morrison is charged with lewd behavior at a Miami concert. There was an arrest warrant for a single felony count and three misdemeanors. He first got word of the charges

for lewd and lascivious behavior, indecent exposure, profanity, and drunkenness. He thought it was a practical joke, and he found out later they were serious, and they later added an additional charge That should come with like a sentence. Yeah, you should be busted for that. So there was a trial and virtually every witness was somehow connected to the police or the district attorney's office. There was some question as to whether the singer had actually exposed himself on stage. But there was no but there was no doubt that he was so drunk that he had to be that he had been able to do a little more than mumble during the show. I've seen video. he's a fucking wreck

so he turned down a plea bargain uh arrangement where the band would play a free concert in miami this turned out to be a mistake as he was convicted and sentenced to six months in prison he died in paris before he could serve the sentence. Oh, wow. 20 years later, Dade County, the same place, once again placed itself in the middle of a rock concert when they prosecuted two live crew for alleged obscenity on stage. Obscenity on stage. Good luck now. In 2010, Morrison received a posthumous pardon by the issue of Florida. Huh.

Well, that's nice. I did not know that he was sentenced, and I didn't know that that was still in play when he died. Bobby Lee used to pull his dick out on stage all the time. Oh, constantly? Yeah. I don't think he does anymore. Yeah.

I wonder if that's like... He'd get a short sentence for that. Yeah. He wouldn't do hard time. We're just going to keep searching for wordplay. Yeah. All right. What is this?

Oh, is this our new advice column? We have a new segment on the show suggested by a listener. And it is called Ask Greg and Mike, in which you ask us questions. It's an advice column. Mike and I have lived many years, and we have lots of wisdom that we've accrued in that time. And we would like to dispense that wisdom to you, our loyal listeners, with this new segment. So Andy from San Diego has written in. He said, I need your advice because I'm in trouble with my girlfriend.

Last week, while listening to the best podcast in the world, I played my usual drinking game where I do a shot of liquor every time the host mentioned Bruce Springsteen or Bob Dylan. Well, 38 minutes, I downed shot after shot. I got so drunk, I called my girlfriend's brother a drag queen, stabbed her pet alligator in the head with a steak knife, and spent $3,000 on an OnlyFans model that homeschools her kids. Well, this guy is not taking our advice column very seriously.

No. Well written, though. I like it, Andy. Thank you, Andy. Keep your letters coming. We'll get to them next week. Here are some other letters to the editor. All right. This is from ready for this. The original Joanne. Come on now.

Hey, I really need to thank you for all the Joanne references in the past. My family, friends and I get a real kick out of it. And to think it started with letting you guys know I have a crush on both of you. kick out of it, and to think it started with letting you guys know I have a crush on both of you. Joanne. And the present tense, she has a crush on both of us. Has a crush. Yes. So she's had it now for over three years.

An unrequited crush. Wow. I think with me it's unrequited, but. So is it, is it quite it? Yes. So we have crushes on her, too. So it's a quite it crush. Do we have crushes on Joanne? Of course we do. She sent little emojis, emojis of lips kissing us and hearts. OK. Yes, we do have a crush on her. So the crush is requited.

Thank you, Joanne. Yes. Irregardless of irrequited. Here's Mary Bennett, who wrote a fun email. Hey, Greg fits in a gremlin. Because of you, I find myself often drifting into questions about a huge variety of unique topics. The most recent is the faces of royals. Throughout all time, people have had, people kind of have a similar look to some animal in the animal kingdom. For example, for you, I see a small horse with large teeth.

King Charles resembles what? Possibly an odd insect that only eats things that its mommy, the greys, kill. Sunday Papers just keeps getting better. P.S.S. Befriend Dogwood. I think it would be super hilarious if you did him for Halloween. Sincerely, Mary Bennett. Alrighty, Mary.

This one comes from... Wow, this is pretty long. Are we going to read this whole thing? You put it in there, pal. No, let's do this another time. You dumb horse with large teeth. Let's get to the obituaries. And that's all, folks. And that's all, folks.

Linda Kasabian was a Manson family member who helped put Charles Manson behind bars as a key witness for the prosecution. She died at the age of 73. She became associated with the Manson family at the age of 20, bringing her young daughter to live with them on the Spahn Ranch. It was only a month after she joined them that Manson and his followers murdered eight people, including actress Sharon Tate. Though Kasabian didn't participate in the murders, she drove other members to the scenes of their crimes. She later turned herself into authorities and agreed to testify against Manson and his followers. She was offered immunity from prosecution in exchange. Her testimony was considered crucial to the testify against Manson and his followers. She was offered immunity from prosecution in exchange. Her testimony was considered crucial

to the convictions of Manson and several of his followers. After the trial, Kasabian changed her name and attempted to avoid the public eye, though she gave occasional interviews. I wonder if Tom O'Neill talked to her. Should we ask him? Well, it was funny. Dickie, our buddy who knows Tom too, was like,

I assume Tom is rifling through all our belongings, somehow talked his way into our house. Oh, I'm sure. Up in Oregon or, yeah, Portland, I think. Or somewhere up there, somewhere in the northwest. Let's see if we can get Tom on the line. Oh, wow. Tom. Let's see if we can get Tom on the line. Oh, wow. Tom!

What's going on? Well, we're recording Sunday Papers right now, and we got to the obituary section and saw that Linda Kasabian had died, and we're calling to find out if you ever spoke with her. No, I spent about two miserable weeks in the Tacoma rain, No, I spent about two miserable weeks in the Tacoma rain in a shitty hotel trying to get past her daughter to talk to her. And her daughter wouldn't allow it. I stalked and fucking followed and basically staked out the house.

And I never even got a glimpse of her. She got away with a lot of lies. That's why she wouldn't talk. Really? What did she lie about? So that's the only smoking gun. which was that Manson ordered the murders when no one else would say it because he didn't. So that's the only smoking gun? You mean to show she lied? No, to show that he committed the murder, that he ordered the murders. Yeah, yeah. And the obituary in the New York Times, Buleosi said without her testimony,

we couldn't have convicted Manson because he wasn't at the Tate house when the murders happened. So they had to show conspiracy and the only way they can do that was to get someone to say that he sent those killers to the very house where the murders happened and she was the only one that would do it. Wow. The lawyer told me, he told her to say it

and he said, if you don't say it, you're going to go to the gas chamber. So Charles Manson would be free today if it was not for linda kasabian well i don't know if he'd be alive today but yeah he wouldn't have gone to prison i got this guy on tape her lawyer telling me all this i'm literally in the middle of getting it ready to post hopefully by dinner time i love it all right well people can read your post by following you what's your what's your handle on instagram are you talking twitter no you go to instagram i don't know just it's like chaos manson the book or chaos charles manson i thought you guys have like 10 producers they're doing this work for you he doesn't know his own goddamn handle you don't know your own handle on

social media no because i got different ones from my different platforms and they all kind of sound the same oh boy mix them up a bit but just google my name and instagram or something it's not important all right and uh are you going to gubbins on sunday uh what's on sunday at gubbins you're on that text he's inviting everybody over to do something i don't understand what they're doing because i didn't never heard of the word before all right a game or something oh it's that dice game we've been talking about okay yeah i'll do that i'll see you over there on sunday don't forget by the book chaos by Tom O'Neill. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Hard at work.

I can't believe he didn't meet her. That's a... So the daughter that's protecting her is the one that was a baby when she took that daughter to live with fucking Manson. I wonder if she's forgiving him for that. Forgiving her for that.

Yeah. And also, I had a lot of questions based on that call. So Manson. I wonder if she's forgiving him for that, forgiving her for that. Yeah. And also, I had a lot of questions based on that call. So Manson didn't, I thought he did call for the murders. And then secondly,

wasn't she afraid? Like Manson said he could, he was still controlling people from inside prison. Yeah. And he, and I believe him.

I think he still had very, very avid followers and who would do whatever he said. And I wonder if she feared for her life. He could have gotten them to get the fish, to get people gambling on the fish prison. All right, let's get to the funnies. All right.

bunnies all right scott adams uh hundreds of newspapers uh announced they will no longer carry adams work um they're severing ties because they can't support quote any commentary rooted in discrimination or hate uh penguin books will no longer publish his upcoming book that was due out in September. It's all sparked by a YouTube live stream posted in February where Adams referenced a Rasmussen poll that found only a slim majority of black Americans agreed with the statement, it's okay to be white. That's a weird question. That's a fucking loaded weird question. Adams went on to accuse black Americans of being a hate group and advised white people to get the hell away from them. The cartoonist says Adams has a long history of spewing problematic views in the past. He has inaccurately described people who are not vaccinated against COVID as the real winners of the pandemic.

He also questioned the accuracy of the Holocaust death toll. Another of Adams' claims is that he had lost multiple job opportunities for being white. Oh, did you, Charles, with the fucking stupid cartoon and hundreds of newspapers, did you lose out on a job was your rent hanging on that uh jesus the creator of dilbert is what jobs is he what jobs has he ever applied for since putting out that piece of shit comic it was funny for a minute like it kind of it there was like a moment in time where it was matching like remember that that that uh film the office what remember the office not the office office space oh yeah yeah yeah it kind of reminded me of like what was funny about that, about how corporations were, you know, making people feel like numbers. And it kind of tapped into that. But then it just wasn't funny.

Yeah. He has a long history of spewing unfunny comics. Yeah. That's what he really got. Speaking of funny comics, here's and Hager, Hager the Horrible. The king is sitting on the throne he looks worried he's got a scepter in his hand and uh one of his minions runs up and says sire hager and his men have breached the castle but the brave kitchen staff have stalled their advance and the second frame you see hager and his guys all sitting at a table and the cooks are pouring soup into bowls and, uh,

and they look nervous and they're feeding them. So that's staving them off. Um, and in the third frame, the King sends his wife to slow them down even further from getting to his riches. Is that made up? Yes.

There you go. all right. Never a good joke when your cohost has to say, was that made up? Yes. There you go. Never a good joke when your co-host has to say, was that made up? Well, no. I'm wondering if there was a third frame. It does seem a little incomplete also, so I was wondering about that. All right. There was two. I'm going to just read one.

So VBK emailed this in. You have to say the name of the comic strip. This is The Far Side by Gary Larson and next week maybe we'll do Richard McCabe Jr. sent one in but VBK sent one in which I think is particularly funny

and so there's it's a street and you see two houses neighboring houses and on the right is Doreen's nursery there's on the right is Doreen's nursery. There's a sign that says Doreen's nursery. And there's babies outside in the front yard, like in a playpen, you know, and crib type thing. And and then next door, it's Ed's dingo farm.

Dingo farm. A dingo. A dingo stole my, what is it? Took my baby? A dingo stole my baby. A dingo stole my baby. A dingo. Yeah.

And the dingoes are just lined up on the fence. It's a chain link fence they can see through. And there's about a dozen dingoes with their front paws on the fence it's a chain link fence they can see through and there's about a dozen dingoes with their front paws on the fence focused just not taking their eyes off the babies it's so fun ed's ed's dingo farm well because i think it's like because the way they say it right a dingo a dingo anyway that's what i i read into it that much it was deadman just put this in uh a dingo ate my baby as a cry popular i popularly attributed to lindy chamberlain creighton creighton as part of the 1980 death of azaria chamberlain case yeah and then popular movie right yes it was very popular i think i think it was a tv special tv movie but that line yeah screaming that out and that heavy accent isn't that funny how certain

lines become so famous like you could still use that line today from a tv movie from probably three decades ago four decades ago yeah um seinfeld made it bigger ah keep typing elaine says it in a popular episode there you go all right speaking of popular uh here's a hot young blonde woman whose name is Blondie. Oh, boy. She is wearing two shades of green today that complement each other. The bosom sticks out beyond the right arm, even though you're in a 45-degree profile shot. That is pretty impressive. And fuckface is sitting in a blue chair with his hands in his pocket.

It's not enough that he's slouched in front of a TV. He's got to have his hands in his pocket. Just the epitome of lazy sloth. What do you even get dressed for? Dear, would you like to take a walk with me? You know how much I'd like this woman to ask me to take a walk with her? And he goes, sure, honey. So they start walking.

And then he goes, it'll be nice to stretch the old legs. And then all of a sudden, the final frame is him stopped in the kitchen, refrigerator door open. And she says, I was thinking farther than the kitchen, dear. You fucking useless piece of shit. She wants to go outside. You can walk down the street with this hot piece of ass, this 10 on your arm, showing off, just flexing in front of everybody in the neighborhood. And instead, you're going to have a fucking liverwurst sandwich again. Liverwurst.

I think she was going to have them. I think she hired a hitman. And she was taking him on a walk. I'm starting to see stuff in these strips here. Okay. And I think it was very important. Like he has, he,

she had to take him out back out the back way. They were going to walk down the street a certain way and a car was going to take them out. All she has to do is once the car is driving down the street, you take like a piece of liverwurst and you throw it right into the street. He'll chase after it, get mowed down. Yeah, or maybe it's a food truck.

And all they do to kill him is, he's chasing it so fast, they just have to jam on the brakes. He smashes right into it and dies. How do we get in touch with Blondie? How can we break through this plane of existence and get in her head and give her these plots? Yes.

There are easy ways. It could be a whole Lifetime movie. Lifetime is packed with movies like this. Yep. Yep. All right. Well, listen, people, get involved with the podcast. Tell your friends.

The podcast is growing. We want to keep putting the word out. Go to Apple Podcasts and give us nice reviews and comments. That helps us out a lot. And share the love. We want to also remind you about the St. Patrick's Day show, March 17th, and also Philly Helium Comedy Club, March 9th through 11th. Come out and see me.

Mike, anything you want to plug? Yeah, the first half of Groundhog's Day. It's great. Until you get to Florida. It's great. Yeah, so anyway. No, nothing really. Okay.

Costa Rica. Unpl uh, Costa Rica. I'm plugging Costa Rica. All right, good. Wonderful country. We want to also thank Midcoast Media, our fine friends over there, Key and Chris Denman and Beth Hoops and John and everybody else that makes the show possible. And I guess we'll see you guys next Sunday. Okay.

Uh, yeah. You mean in the podcast yeah that makes sense because when is how far away is st patrick's day uh well today is the this sunday uh yeah this sunday this isth, so it'll be two weeks after this. A week from Friday. Alright, so yeah, we're going to do that. Alrighty, so I think everybody should just take it-ish. Take it-ish! Alright. We'll see you next time. Turn your mind Get out of bed Turn on the lights Grab some coffee And sit right down

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