Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike EP 155 3/12/23

Episode Date: March 12, 2023

We talk about tonight's’ Oscars and yesterday's Oscars. There are goats loose in San Francisco, cocaine leopards in Ohio and a woman in FLA caught with meth in a place only Fla Man should go. We do a quick (positive) review of Chris Rock's special and answer your questions.

Okay, we got it. Recording, let's clap it in. Okay, one clap. Three, two, one. Three, two, and that was perfect timing fucking read all about it read all about it philadelphia inquire there he goes and the la times come together to present the sunday papers oh yeah huh this sounds low are you okay hold on oh not to any other human or dog within uh here listening i sounded low that's crazy check no my headphones it's my headphones they don't i think it's daylight

savings time it's in your head happy daylight savings time everybody remember you lost an hour you lost an hour and here's the thing i thank god for that these days i've decided to lose masturbating that's 12 minutes. And now I've got 48 other minutes I need to get rid of. So New York Times sent an alert, or whatever the hell it is, that the pros and cons, you know, we're close to losing this daylight savings. Yes. But there were interesting arguments on both sides,

of which I probably won't remember a lot of them. But, you know, kids would be going to school in the dark. That is for sure. Yeah. Well, the other movement, though, is to make school start later. They're saying that kids are not getting enough sleep. And is it weird that as a 56-year-old, I sleep more than a 9-year-old? Is that a sign of depression or just that I really enjoy my mattress?

No, you can't escape the guaranteed depression. When I get depressed, I look forward to sleep like an alcoholic looks forward to a drink. It's like I put on my eye mask. I take a sleeping pill. I put in my ear plugs. I put a pillow over my head. I call it a mini suicide and I just go out. I get to leave this unholy, painful world. Put an eye mask on, a little belt around my neck, lean up against the door. old put an eye mask on a little belt around my neck lean up against the door and then i have the wherewithal i just don't put the belt on the doorknob that's the only it's the only difference and i got i sleep like a baby knowing i did not sleep i live i'm in uh i live i live in philadelphia

this weekend my favorite city i know and believe me when people come out and they buy my pins, which they do at this fucking club, I sell these pins. So it's a bright group, okay. And they all mention you. They all go, fuck Gibbons. Gibbons doesn't know shit. We have a Philadelphia story

coming up. I put it in. I put in a lot of the stories this week. I noticed that. I noticed that. Well, God bless Philly. It's a beautiful city. I've never not said that. I've never said it's not a beautiful city.

Yeah. I don't know my terms. But it's the people. I just don't like the people. They're fucking animals. They're animals. From a New Yorker. Why?

Just because they have to grease up the poles when they win a championship? Huh? Just because they have to grease up the light poles when they have a championship? Literally animals. Like, I didn't, was that true? You guys said that this week. I don't even know that and I hate Philly. Yeah.

guys said that this week i don't even know that and i hate philly yeah um they greased the polls and uh they there was a video of a bunch of them on top of a bus stop jumping up and down and about 50 people fell on top of each other they're disgusting you know they should grease the pole you know they should instead of greasing it they should put like adhesive almost like like those fly they should the city should hang fly traps to catch all these animals. Just get these fucking Philly. What's a nickname? What's the way to say mass hole in Philly? Philadelphia's.

What? Philadelphia. Are you making that up? Yeah. It's terrible. No, there has to be something way, way more damning. Anyway, see all these philly assholes stuck on flypaper all over town yeah that's good i like that i like that image a lot

um but i did i flew in it's the worst the worst is you fly across the country uh i i get in on thursday i do a show that night and then you can't sleep because you're on a different time zone. And then I have to wake up at 6.30 in the morning to go do local radio, which is 3.30 a.m. L.A. time. And then I come back to the hotel, spank one out, nap for a couple hours. I wake up at 2.30 in the afternoon. I don't know what city I'm in. I'm nauseous. I'm dizzy.

I'm disoriented. It takes me like three hours to get my head together to do another show. Uh, it's so fucking, I used to be easy when I was young, but I, it's getting harder to do this shit as I get older. I know.

You don't know where you wake up. There's tissues all over the place. It's disgusting. The maid is staring at me cause i forgot to put the do not disturb sign up like what coast am i on what even time zone i don't understand all right let me just fire up pornhub again they it's comforting although i got to do preston and steve which is uh maybe my favorite radio show in the country besides Sunday Papers. Are they – they're Philly, like Morning Drive or what? Yeah, they're huge.

I mean it's a huge media market, and then I think they're number one in the market. Wow. And I've been going in there for 15 years, and I've gotten to be really close to them. So that's always fun. And then John DiBello, who's another radio guy who I did this week who who I also love. He took me out to breakfast after after I did radio. Took me to this Jewish deli. But you get to talk about all their losing sports teams. So close.

So close. So close. That's what they should call themselves. The so closes. Yeah. So, by the way, I'm I was distraught. I turned off the TV, but I've been watching my cousin, Danny McCarthy, who is playing. He's a pro golfer who is in the right now, the, uh, what's the tournament that's going

on right now, the players. And he was in second place when I just turned off the TV. So he's on fire. He had five birdies in the first seven holes. And, uh, yeah. So let's let's pull for Denny McCarthy. Wow. Yeah, I I might even I've never watched golf, really. But I'll watch. Yeah, you were updating it. And he's he has to be the hottest golfer literally today in that tournament coming out of the gate like that.

Yeah, I think for the day's score, he's up there. He's up there. The shelf Scotty Scheff. Yeah. I think for the day's score, he's up there. He's up there. The shelf, Scotty Scheffler is, I think leading he's, he's, he's also, I think five under for the day.

So let's, let's thank Craig Godet, who did our Sunday papers logo, which I love. It's me, you and Gubbins. He's the leprechaun. It's a little early,

but okay. Maybe next week, but I guess it's past next week. No, it'll be over. He's the leprechaun. It's a little early, but okay. Maybe next week, but I guess it's past next week. No, it'll be over. It'll be over next week. I like it. I like it. I take it back. And we're looking forward to our St. Patrick's Day show

at the Improv this Thursday. If you have not got your tickets, I'm telling you now, it sells out every year. Don't get shut out. Go to FitzDawg.com, get your tickets. We're going to have some big name celebrity guests stopping in me. You Gibbons, Dennis Gubbins will be performing and there'll be Irish soda bread for the

crowd. Irish music. Oh, all right. I'll go. You're already going. Oh, I got to figure out what the, I don't know what I'm doing. We're going to figure it out, man. It's going to be a work in progress. What do I have, 10 minutes? A tight eight? I think eight is probably better than 10.

You always say eight and then you do 12. Well, when I'm killing, it's hard to get off. I know. It's the easiest art form ever. What? All right. Not the case this year, I don't think week's song tony kakachi he did a song he's out of work he had he used to write his songs all the time and then he got a fucking job

and now luckily he's unemployed and so uh he wrote us a very cool song sounded kind of like the beach boys wouldn't you say no what what what was my first reaction i said it uh you said well i said very ethereal yeah i guess beach boys like yeah it was very ethereal like yeah yeah um we enjoyed that we got a bunch of corrections from last week i doubt kim said the this latest episode you all missed some low some low hanging fruit to throw at Marjorie Taylor Greene. As of 2022, Georgia is a blue state. So if the U.S. were to divorce, as she wanted them to do along red and blue states, she would she would her state would go blue. Then I'm against the Civil War.

You're coming out. She can move to mississippi right next door to alabama yeah well that's an easy move that makes sense for her yeah she chair a committee this week she's on two committees and she is no no but like she she like ran the house or something one day like mccarthy like assigned her to be like pro temp speaker or whatever anyway it was disgraceful seeing her up there with a gavel and like running the show it's crazy that she has got the traction that she's got she has no experience she's a she's a she's queuing on she's fucking crazy and and she has found her you just see how politics works just be the loudest most obnoxious person and you get power i mean the right has to be embarrassed by it like any self-respecting person on the right just the list of things she's said and really believed in. And listen, keep in mind, I hate Pelosi.

So I can admit when I hate the sight of a certain person with the gavel. And so I don't know. I think it's still just a statement against the left, no matter what it is, I guess. I don't know. the left like no matter what it is you know i guess i don't know uh this is for uh holly in atascadero says i don't like correcting people so i will frame this as information for you california has created engineered 324 lakes to provide water for agriculture uh throughout the state los angeles has the luxury of having water provided from the Colorado River, but everywhere else uses lakes. I would highly recommend you and Aaron drive the 154 and view the enormous Kachuma Lake, which provides water to Santa Barbara County.

All right. I don't know about all that. She's absolutely right. You know, they've engineered these lakes. But is she saying like San Diego and even doesn't San Francisco? I think California, believe it or not, somehow gets. Well, I guess Canada goes into the Colorado River. I don't know.

I just think it's more than Los Angeles that that she's saying the of the state's on, I guess, lakes for agriculture. Yeah, she's saying that. It's a little unclear. A little unclear, Holly. She's saying that here in St. Louis Obispo, we have Nacimiento and San Antonio lakes. All right, so we get it. There's lakes in California. Well, man, the lakes, I don't know how long.

Whatever. It's raining still today. They are full, I think. Yeah, she said the lakes are full. She said they're all full. Oh, yeah. All right, this one comes from Mark G. Greg, Greg, Greg.

I don't like the start of that. I'm extremely hungover, and I shouldn't listen to you because I know you're going to fuck up, and I'm going to have to do the work of emailing you a correction. When talking about what might have influenced the movie Groundhog Day, you said Christmas Story, Ghost of Christmas Past, etc. That was not that was a Christmas Carol. The Dickens one. Christmas Story is the goofy comedy everyone watches on Christmas with the leg lamp and the blonde kid that wants a rifle.

Do I get tired of watching that every year? Absolutely not. That Christmas Carol, that Christmas story is so fucking funny. Every word is perfect. I haven't seen it since I was a child. Oh, my God. It's a little slow. I tried a couple of years ago.

It's a little slow. No, I sit and I laugh out loud throughout it every Christmas. I love a couple of years ago. It's a little slow. No, it's like I sit and I laugh out loud throughout it every Christmas. I love it. Wow. But I also think you were thinking, I mean, maybe, uh, who wrote this? Mark can note how, you know, I, I tolerate the Fitz facts, you know, on the fly and, uh, Fitz facts Fitz Facts on the fly. And I thought what you meant was it's a wonderful life. Oh, no, no. It is. It's it's it's it's a it's a time shift. It's not exactly Groundhog Day, but he does see what would happen if he, you know, if he killed himself. And so it's playing with time that way. And then he gets to go he happen if he, you know, if he killed himself. And so it's playing with time that way.

And then he gets to go. He gets to go, you know, into this setting that usually has him and and see it and experience it and all that stuff anyway. And then he goes on to say, as I type this and listen, you called The Last of Us a movie a couple of times. It's a series. OK, he goes, fuck it. I'm going a movie a couple times. It's a series. Okay. He goes, fuck it. I'm going to have a shot. This was taxing.

All right. You see the hair of the dog. I like it. Speaking of laughing out loud, I will be at the Grandel Theater in St. Louis on April 1st, which our fine friends that produce our show. Speaking of taxing. Speaking of taxing. Speaking of taxing.

Chris Denman and the crew are producing me in St. Louis at the Grandel April 1st. Louisville at Laugh Louisville April 6th through 8th. This is a new date just announced. Mohegan Sun in Connecticut April 13th through 15th. Then coming to Oxnard, Levity Live, Escondido, Columbia, Missouri, Kansas City, Boston. All tickets at FitzDawg.com. Mike, let's talk about Green Chef. I love Green Chef.

Are you kidding me? Here are the menus. You ready? Two menus right here. I cooked chicken with garlic, shard rice. Look at that bowl. And that's how it came out. Then they have the directions, step by step.

So easy, with pictures. Sophie cooked the maple cauliflower power bowl when she was back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's gluten-free, because they offer gluten-free. Exactly. Yeah, they offer keto, paleo, vegan, whatever you want. They got it all. They've got 30-plus recipes weekly.

You can mix and match from different dietary preferences in the same box without changing your plan. You can get that protein-packed. The newest collection of recipes fit for a high-protein dietary preference. This is the one I sent to my mom,, she loved it because I'm trying to put weight on my mom. She's 80 and she's, uh, she's getting too skinny. Convenient and easy. Are you kidding me?

You bring more flavors to the table. They got elevated recipes, seasonal organic produce. It's eat no brainer. One stop shop, quick breakfast, brunch brunch kits wholesome lunches you can do it all uh so these 10 minute lunches especially are fun uh it is a green chef is the number one meal kit for eating well with dinners that work for you not the other way around you understand what we're trying to tell you um they they uh make time for uh 700 under recipe try the fast and fit recipes 750 calories or less and you can make it all it's the only meal kit by the way it's both carbon and plastic offset

100 of the carbon footprint as well as 100% of the plastic in every box offset. All right. Well, listen, go to greenchef.com slash papers 60, the number 60, and use code papers 60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Again, that's go to greenchef.com slash papers 60 and use code papers 60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. It's hot. It's just, look, it's the number one meal kit for eating well. Greenchef. Get involved.

Okay. We got some paper to crinkle. Let's get to the front page. Oh, listen to this. Listen to this. It's Amazon. Oh, what audio. Let's go.

All right. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! What happened? I know you're thrown because it's actually a story you put in the script, so you're supposed to read it. Oh, I didn't hear you yell like,

oh, okay, here we are, front page. Goats run loose in San Francisco. No one knows where they came from. That was the headline. A spokesman for San Francisco's animal care and control told San Francisco's SF gate that a call was received about a great goat running in traffic. The caller reported that they didn't know where the goat went after civilians chased it away. Then a video posted to Reddit on Wednesday afternoon shows at least four goats running through the South Beach neighborhood near Rincon Hill Dog Park as several onlookers try, unsuccessfully, to corral them. At the end of the video, the goats run off into the distance.

So this goat grazing company, I didn't know those existed, said the goats seen Wednesday don't seem to belong to any grazing service. They checked the area they were seen in for signs of a grazing installation and didn't find any fencing signs or other items that would indicate. Well, you know what they do?

These companies, they bring goats to your farm and they get rid of your weeds for you. They're like lawnmowers. I love goats, by the way. Yeah. Instagram. Wait, do you see when goats pass out? No.

Oh, dude, there's a video. We should put it on the website. There's a video that I think a delivery truck is driving like onto this like grassy driveway, like to a farm. And there's like, say, six goats. It hits like a pothole and goes bang. And the goats just freeze and fall over like they were tased. It's no, no. There's so many videos of goats.

There's probably a biological term for it. They literally lock up and tip over. Wow. And then they wake up like, you know, 10 seconds later or whatever it is. I guess it's when they're startled. It seems like the worst defense mechanism. Like, it's just basically screaming, you can eat me now. I won't even run or struggle.

Which does not make them a very good animal, which makes it very ironic that they are considered the goat. They are the goat. Anyway, the guy goes, at this point, the only thing I know is they weren't ours. But it's really odd because there just aren't that many goat grazing companies that will work in San Francisco. There's a possibility that goats might have been meat animals as they weren't wearing collars and appeared to be a breed of goats typically used for meat. It could be that someone was transporting meat goats and maybe they fell off the truck. All right. How do I buy the rights to this?

I want to write Planet of the Goats where goats rise up and take over. That's what I want to do. You can't stop them because you can't starve them. Most wars are won with attrition. You seize, you do a siege of a city and you starve them. But the goats will eat fucking anything.

Oh wait, Chris put it in the name fainting. it refers to a breed characteristic known as myotonia congenita a condition in which the muscle cells experience prolonged contraction when the goat is startled i love that yeah that must make it the absolute easiest farm animal to have sex with. Yes. And it probably feels great. You just run up and go, boo, boo. Yeah. Planet of the Goats, we've got some bad ideas.

That's the tagline. I might start writing it during this podcast. My only other guest was Elon Musk fired all these goats from the Twitter goat yoga room. That's my only other guess in San Francisco. How is San Francisco all those, all those, I don't know what you call it. Well, I guess the millennials, I want to call them like yuppies. How are they not chasing these things around for a goat cheese?

And how are the gay guys not chasing? I mean, goats are, it's like, yeah, I know gay guys like bears. They probably like goats also i just got an email back from aisha tyler we asked her to do the um st patrick's day show and she said she will be out of the country poop thanks for thinking of me. Now she's booking her flight. Yeah. All right. Here's your story, Pally. An after-school Satanist club in Pennsylvania. I love it.

It's the after-school. Most kids are Satanists during class. Or maybe they don't even go to school. I don't know how they're keeping that dream alive. Is Satan telling them, you know what, kids, stay in school? Stay in school, kids. You can do my work better in third period than you can hanging around in an alley. Respect your elders.

So they are threatening to raise hell after local district leaders denied them the ability to convene on their school grounds. The ACLU, together with its Pennsylvania chapter, sent a letter to the Saucon Valley School District demanding they allow the After School Satan Club, or ASSC, access to school facilities in accordance with the U.S. Constitution's First Amendment right to practice religion freely. They say that they were initially approved and then they were, uh, taken away their right

to, to meet. So they're saying it's a secular organization and its members do not actually believe in worshiping the devil, but they do, but, but the club does not believe in introducing religion into public schools and will only open a club if other religious groups are operating on campus. By contrast, the Good News Club, an organization sponsored by a local evangelical church devoted to spreading the word about the Bible, is allowed to host meetings on public school property. So of course the Christians are taking the bait. The whole Bible is about driving out Satan. You got to fight Satan.

But Jesus never dealt with a dozen acne-ridden heavy metal heads with nothing but time on their hands. I want to join this club. These guys, as David Tell would call them,

the unfuckables. Do you remember he had that joke? No, what is that one? He used to have this joke that he goes, ah, yeah, high school. I used to hang around with the head of the Dungeons and Dragons Club,

and he listed these other kids, and he goes, we called ourselves the Unfuckables. Imagine this club's update. Imagine if they were real believers, their update to Satan. Satan's like, okay, next order of business, Pennsylvania. How's it going in the Keystone State? Oh, well, my dark Lord, uh, not great. Uh, what do you mean? Uh, did you, did you sue them? Like we talked about, uh, yes, you're king of demons. Uh, and, uh, all right.

Well, did you contact the ACLU? Like I said, Satan's a very rational guy at this point. Uh, Leslie does very good work with them. I told you to give her a call. I think she can help. Yes, you're unholy one, but they rescinded our permit because of pushback from the community. Gee, damn it. The community. Wow.

I guess there's nothing we could do. So you're saying Satan's gotten soft. Satan is very reasonable. Yeah. Listen, he's scared of red tape just like anybody. Right. Public school system. Yeah.

Come on. You can't fight City Hall. Yeah. I mean, the fire and brimstone thing, that's so 11th century. Nowadays, it's about redistricting. It's about community access. Yeah. Yet they were still very respectful and scared of him.

But yeah, he has gotten softer. Yeah. All right. Time to move on to cocaine cat. Cocaine cat. A large cat called a serval rescued from a tree in Cincinnati tested positive for cocaine. An animal rescue group said this week animal control officials said the big cat escaped when his owner was pulled over by police on January 28th. The big cat leapt from the car into a tree. Hamilton County dog wardens responded to reports of a, quote, leopard in a tree around 2 a.m. Cincinnati Animal Care's Ray Anderson said they retrieved Amory, I guess that's the cat's name, and brought him to the organization's facility.

retrieved amory i guess that's the cat's name and brought him to the organization's facility the organization's medical team looked over the big cat who'd suffered a broken leg during the retrieval they all they also performed a dna test which determined the cat was a serval not a leopard and that he had cocaine in his system no yep it's not the first time that Cincinnati Animal Care has had a wild animal test positive for drugs. In 2022, the group took in a capuchin monkey named Neo that had meth in his system. How the fuck did they catch him? The cat will now call the Cincinnati Zoo home. What? How the fuck do you catch a monkey on meth?

That guy deserves a reward. Yeah. So, Oze said the cat will now be at the Cincinnati Zoo. Well, that's good news. He'll be able to score some more blow. I think you catch the monkey on meth by offering it some meth if it blows you. I think that's what a lot of meth heads, that's how you get them.

That's routine. They're not threatened by that. That's the usual process. I like this whole concept because I think a lot of us get distracted in life. We start thinking about, the country's gotten too polarized or would Meghan have made a good queen? But then if you think about it, these are city problems and we're not in the moment you see. So what we need is to release

animals. When you see a leopard with powder around his nose, you're get pulled right back into the moment. You're, you are consciously engaging in the present tense. And that's what we need. Grizzly bears on methamphetamine. You know, just every city should have wild animals running loose. I think it's also a good idea if, like, in case you're pulled over by the cops, you just lower the window and have that big cat jump out into a tree. I think, have you been drinking, sir? Drinking with that big cat jump out into a tree i think have you been drinking sir drinking with that big cat in the car who's on cocaine are you crazy thank god he got out of the car he would not shut up i'm sure it was the big cat's idea once he did cocaine they're driving her they come

on we're driving to vegas let's go pussy pussy. Oh, shit. The cops are just pull over slowly. I come. Fuck this. I'm out of here. Jesus. Look at that cat picture that Chris put in here. I know that thing is beautiful. No fucking way.

Am I sleeping in the same house as that? I can. Some cats I don't even like sleeping in the same house with. Yeah. They're just going to bite your neck. Disneyland has finally removed a song with racist origins from their parade. Splash Mountain, a popular ride at the amusement park,

features images and themes from the company's racist 1946 film Song of the South. The Magic Happens Parade has been adjusted to remove the song Zippity-Doo-Dah. The tune has been replaced with a song from Peter Pan instead. First of all, I did a deep dive on Peter Pan. Do you know the origins of Peter Pan? Well, I know that Barry wrote it, and I used to know a lot about it,

and the family was next door and everything. Well, according to this article, Peter Pan was a deranged psychopath who tricked and trapped little kids in Neverland. He killed them after they grew up, which is why they never could leave as adults. Captain Hook escaped Neverland as an adult, which explains why Peter killed Hook and fed his arm to a crocodile. In the original draft of the novel, Peter is a villain kidnapping young children from their beds. Basically, the original story, the hero is a total sociopath. He's literally a serial killer, not just of pirates.

Yeah. Do you see Finding? Leaving? Oh, yeah. Finding Neverland, I think it is. Yeah, right. Leaving is a whole different, well well it's a very similar story actually but

Finding Neverland with Johnny Depp and that young kid who's probably 20 now but I remember once someone was over and it was like great scenes like let's just watch great scenes and I'm like oh my god that scene with Johnny Depp and the little kid on the park bench I don't want to

spoil anything but it's a sad scene anyway Johnny Depp and the little kid on the park bench. I don't want to spoil anything, but it's a sad scene. Anyway, I played that and I was like, this kid should have won the Oscar just for this scene. Anyway, play the scene. And it's over. And I like look over and I'm like, what'd you think? The person, the whole face was covered in tears and they just went, why didn't he win the Oscar? The boy was incredible. Yeah.

Song of the South is based on a series of short stories featuring a character named Uncle Remus, a black man in the Reconstruction era who is essentially glorifying slavery. So I think they should keep it, but just rename the character of Uncle Remus to, uh, Justice Clarence Thomas. Oh, that would fix it all.

Yeah. Um, I, I, I don't know the story. I can't really speak very well, but I do know when I looked it up for a second, there's a defense on YouTube and it was interesting because the person compared uh the uncle remus character to every basically any other black character at that time who was usually just bombastic buffoonish comic relief or or evil i guess and. And that this character, while flawed, and there's a lot, obviously, that's true about all of this, but I guess they were saying there's more than one side to this. And maybe with a warning, anyway, they went on and on. But when I went down this wormhole a little,

when I went down this wormhole a little, Old Man River, which is a completely different type of story because it's very much on the side of how insane and brutal the life of a slave is, unlike the other one. Old Man River used to have the N-word in it. Really?

I did not know that. Is that only when Chris Denman sang it or was it always like that well he tends to put those in a lot of songs except hip-hop where they're already he's bored with those yeah but uh i uh anyway this is that song is it won the oscars zippity-doo-dah. Yeah. The song has nothing to do. It's just a joyous song, right? Yeah. Sadly, it's in the mouth of a joyous slave. But I don't know.

It's an interesting issue. I mean, it won the Oscar, and I think it deserved it, and it's an amazing song. So the song gets killed too, huh? I don't know. Yeah, I guess so um i don't know it's uh disney is definitely uh in the in the crosshairs right now i mean it's like the left is attacking it for not being pc enough the right is attacking it for being too pc uh they just can't win yeah and art there's an exception with art you know

and I can't articulate that because I'm bored already with it but I don't know it's not an open and shut case I don't think it's not black and white let's just say that let's cut down a good news for gubbins oh hold on

there you go John, a good news for Gubbins. Oh, hold on. There you go. So Gubbins, as people have been updated, had knee surgery. And so he's sitting on his couch getting fatter by the day. He's plumping up like Thanksgiving is coming and he's a turkey. But he invites everybody over and he sends constant emails guilting you for not what was the one he sent you the other day a visit would be nice i'm like are you a 90 year old jewish woman all of a sudden a visit would be nice and so you go over and you realize he doesn't need you to come over.

There's always seven other people already there. And then once you get there, it's like he's trying to drive you out of his house. He's so obnoxious. You play this dice game with him and he's constantly correcting you. We talked about that last week. And it's like he draws you in and then drives you away. It's a story of life. Now, are you going to mention he actually hasn't gained weight?

He says he lost five pounds, but I think he's not weighing the leg. Immediately, I said that was all knee bone. And then Rabih said it's muscle mass. So we all pounced on that. Uh, but he's doing well. So I was there, uh, last night, uh, and we went over and we just started watching like YouTube and just trying to find the funniest things and make each other laugh. But we wound up, uh, watching Anchorman 2. Now I think I saw it along the way and I've definitely seen bloopers online, but when was the last time you saw Anchorman 2? I watched it not that long ago. It's so impressive. I couldn't believe I was imagining the script and I'm like,

I was imagining the script and I'm like, this has to be four jokes a page. Yeah. Not one thing was boring and like set up or like, you know, it was just incredible and crazy ideas. Crazy. I totally disagree i watched it and i found it to be i i found it to be trying too hard and uh not relevant i i didn't love it all right someone listening watch the watch anchorman 2 and and report back write write us a letter to the podcast. We'll read it next week. Now listen, I did get a little stoned over there. So now I'm starting to doubt myself.

But I couldn't, like someone, we were laughing so hard. And this was the perfect word. I think Dennis said it. He goes, it's relentless with the jokes. Like it was unbelievable. And holy shit. what's his name uh uh who who's who plays the weatherman uh steve carell yeah carell i mean listen it's they go to it a lot but i i didn't get tired of it is so fucking great at being stupid 6.3 out of 10 on imdb i i i think it's one of those we got to revisit all right i'll watch it again i'll take a look sometimes when you're in a shitty mood a good comedy it doesn't ring as funny as it should

also i saw this totally independent of any pressure like with the like awareness of anchorman one you know which was amazing yeah but anchorman i'm wondering if we're going to find people that like anchorman two like for instance i saw deadpool two without having seen deadpool one and i couldn't believe how funny it was oh yeah yeah those are those are both amazing was there a three or was there just one and two? I think there has been a three maybe. I don't know if what's the name. I'm going to look it up this week.

He said 75% on Rotten Tomatoes with the critics, 52 audience. I think there was too much of a hang up with Anchorman 1. I think it deserves a revisit. I'm telling you. All right. Well, speaking of entertainment, let's get to entertainment. All right, well, speaking of entertainment, let's get to entertainment. All right. Here we go.

I'm going to shake up something different. Here's lube. It's not a paper. It's superior lubricant for bicycles. Okay. There's the ball and the aerosol can. All right. You're fucking your bicycle?

Yeah. You know, you put a rubber on. Mine happens to be a diameter of a wheel. That's all. Yeah. Entertainment.

All right. So people, a lot of people wrote in and they wanted to hear us talk about the Chris Rock special. You only saw the first half, correct? I'll talk about

Anchorman 2 again, but I cannot speak to the Chris Rock special. Well, here's what I'll say about anchorman 2 again but i cannot speak to the chris rock special well here's what i'll say about it it was very strong it was i mean the thing that overwhelms me is as somebody who just shot a one hour stand-up special with probably two percent of the budget that chris rock spent i was overwhelmed by the production value all the pre-show stuff the staging the backstage the lighting the amount of cameras even his outfit like everything was just so fucking first rate

it was almost intimidating it was like all right just do the fucking comedy yeah and my good friend joel joel gallen directed it yeah i mean it was just super glossy and smooth and and good but uh you know i think you know the criticism some people have of chris rock is that he does that preacher thing where he keeps teeing up the premise over and over again like a chorus i don't mind that because it's it's his rhythm it's he's got there's something very awkward about ch Rock that I find endearing. There's something very genuine about how awkward he is. He's not Chappelle. He's not a natural, smooth comedian. He's sort of just like a guy who's finding his way, like me in that last sentence.

But I think there was a lot of strong stuff. I thought it's the stuff about Will Smith was ballsy as shit. Yeah. Orator. Maybe that's what I was trying to say. But but I thought it was really strong. Yeah. He has a consistent rhythm and that rhythm is awkward. That rhythm is, you know, not sometimes or most of the time not smooth you know like but then you know a lot of the times it's like that it's like that little footwork when you're going up to kick the ball and then but he lands that punch line you know exactly he has that rhythm and he knows where he's landing it you know what i mean and that's flawless when he lands it uh we had our yeah cursing more saying the n-word more um than usual so and i noticed his audience is getting blacker or they're choosing to shoot more black members of the

audience he used to be a he used to be a real crossover comic, and most of his audience was white. And now it's more diverse than it was. Yeah, absolutely. Our great friend Pete Scott, who we've talked about in the past, sent us an idea to talk about on the Sunday Papers this week that we're going to get to right now, which is basically the Washington Post pointed out how often the oscars get it wrong and they pointed out over the last 47 years who won the oscar and who should have won the oscar so we thought this might be an interesting thing since the oscars are tonight and uh and we'll see

this first of all it's overwhelming that they have 10 nominees for each best picture it's ridiculous it should be five no everyone gets a gold star right but listen we were talking before the podcast when pete sent this to us you know like all right here's the first category it's 1976 here's the first year so this what i'm wondering is how bad hollywood has gotten and and there's there are good films out there don't get me wrong but like these are like what i'll call like forever movies you know like a god godfather apocalypse now those are forever movies you know what i mean where are those? I joked that, you know, you loved CODA. No one remembers CODA.

And was CODA last year or two years ago? I don't even know. Nobody will remember. Right. And anyway, 76. The nominees were All the President's Men, Bound for Glory, Network, which never leaves my top five movies of all time, Rocky, and Taxi Driver. Rocky won Best Picture, and they're saying the actual Best Picture, Time has told, is Network, which I already like this article.

I thought they were going to say All the President's Men. Or Taxi Driver. 1976. I mean, it was amazing, though, Rocky. You've got to remember, 1976 was the bicentennial of the United States. And here's this movie about an American story written and directed by an American. There was something very patriotic about it winning that year.

Yeah. And we can gloss through some of these. 77, it was Annie Hall. They thought that's what should have won. Star Wars was that year also. 78 is Deer Hunter should have won. An Unmarried Woman won. Wow. Midnight Express. Midnight Express was, that was a movie that really was powerful and stayed with people for decades. Oh, yeah. And Heaven Can Wait and Coming Home were that year. 79.

Okay. Dude. All that jazz. I don't know the last time you saw all that jazz. It's unbelievable. Bob Fosse. All that jazz. Apocalypse Now.

Breaking Away. Kramer vs. Kramer. Norma Rae. Kramer vs. Kramer 1. It's an amazing movie, but they're thinking now, Apocalypse Now. Yeah. I mean, nothing touches Apocalypse Now, because it wasn't just a movie about Vietnam. It was also a movie about colonialism. It was about Joseph Conrad's heart of darkness. It went, it was,

it was, it was a very important movie. 1980 ordinary people. I remember that unbelievable, but that year coal miners, daughter, elephant man, raging bull tests.

And keep in mind, they think now, uh, I don't even know the actual best picture. They said split decision. Chris, can you look up what one? No, the winner was Ordinary People. But they're saying it should have been.

One person says that it should have been. Ordinary People. But get this. That was the year of the shining. Oh, no shit. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Whoa.

These years, the 70s, by the way, we didn't even go back. The early 70s are the most crazy. Like, it's unbelievable with, you know, 70, I think, two and four were Godfather and Godfather two. I might have that right. Maybe 71, 70. Anyway, it goes on. But just seeing all these.

1982, E.T., Gandhi, missing, Tootsie, the verdict. Gandhi won. They think the actual one should be Tootsie. I think E.T. E.T. is forever. Yeah. Tootsie is great. Don't get me wrong.

Right. Amadeus, the killing. These lists are incredible. And then you had 86 children of a lesser god hannah and her sisters platoon a room with a view and platoon one and they're saying hannah and her sisters should have won right hannah and her sisters is amazing well you have a love affair with Woody Allen. But then you cut to, let's cut to 2018. Okay. And you've got Black Klansman, The Black Panther, The Green Room. Do you see it?

What? Is that real? Yeah, Bohemian Rhapsody, A Star is Born, Vice, and I guess The Green Book won. The Green Book was a good movie. It won't stand the test of time. Green Book was an after-school special. 2020 Nomadland?

Come on. It was a movie about a woman living in a van. Here's a redo year for sure. 1990, Awakenings, Dances with Wolves, Ghosts, The Godfather Part 3. How did that get nominated? And Goodfellas. And Goodfellas did not win. Wow.

Goodfellas is the top three movies ever made in this country. Yeah. So 2022, let's make a prediction. Here are the nominees. All Quiet on the Western Front. Didn't see it. I heard that's the best movie of the year. Really?

Yeah, I have heard that. Avatar. Some people like that. Banshees of Inishirin. People are very mixed on that. I loved it. I thought it was a beautiful movie. Great acting.

I mean, it was a little. No doubt it's a beautiful movie. There's no doubt about that. But yeah, it was a little bit satirical. I mean, the cutting off of the fingers, it was it was some weird stuff, but I thought it worked. Everything everywhere all at once was a really beautiful, interesting, you know, creative effort. It annoyed me. All right, go go ahead did you see the fablemans yes that annoyed me more than everything once the fablemans is nothing nowhere never the only scene i liked in the fablemans was the last scene of the movie because it had uh what's his name you know blue velvet uh david lynch

yeah have you seen the movie no it has nothing to do with the movie but there's a scene with david lynch and uh he's playing john ford i think and and anyway i fucking just love david lynch and he's a great actor uh there's also top gun maverick which i think is the favorite to win yeah someone did you see the story this week they want to rescind its nomination because it got funding from a russian oligarch or something no really who knows i don't read i only read headlines well i't know. That was a headline. Action movies tend not to win. I don't think Bond has ever won.

And I mean, there's an argument that Skyfall maybe should have won the year it was nominated. Action movies have a hard time. So I'm going to predict everything, everywhere, all at once. But I would like to see Banshees and Minishirin win. And, you know, all quite on the Western front is foreign language, right? Is it? Oh, is it? It's on French.

Well, Chris, what is I guess I could Google it. What is. Yeah, I think so. I think it's also nominated, I think, for Best Foreign Film. So what's your pick? Who do you think is going to win? You know, listen, if we were betting money, I guess I would say everything everywhere.

But I'm going to root for, Banshees might win it. But I'm going to go for All Quiet. I think it won the BAFTA. Everything Everywhere has won every other award. And they did a little article about that happened one time before. And it didn't win the Oscar. And I think it tracked that the exception with that film also was it didn't win the BAFTA. By the way, I might be wrong.

It may be a one the BAFTA. I kind of don't know what I'm talking about. But well, that's par for the course. What do you mean? I know people come for people come to see. They don't come to hear the news. They come to see how wrong we are about everything. I'm very sure about Philadelphia people being animals.

I had that down. There's no gray area there. It's German, English, and French are the languages. Just tell me, though, what is the dominant language? I did say German and French. Dude,

90% on Rotten Tomatoes. Wow. I'll see it. In German? Did you get all the screeners sent to you this year? I got that. Well, it's Netflix, by the way. Oh, okay.

Good. I was forced to read that in high school, and that is one of the few books that I still remember vividly. Oh, my God. Yeah. Who wrote it? No idea. Don't do that to me. All all right I'm illiterate all right let's make let's make America Florida I think Flaubert okay let's do it crinkle by the way a lot of people are pointing out that There we go.

By the way, a lot of people are pointing out that DeSantis has been associated with this Make America Florida headline. I don't know if he's using it or other people are using it. Is he selling merch? I don't know. But just for the record, we did not make up Make America Florida. That was sent in and we decided to co-opt it as a segment on the show. I oh, my God. I hope he affiliates himself with that slogan. Yeah, because if that is not a career ender, I don't know what is. Right. Right. Here's a typical traffic like a car being pulled over in Florida.

Here we go. They were pulled over for being pulled over in Florida. Here we go. They were pulled over for tinted windows in Florida. Then came the body cavity search. According to a police report at around 1 a.m., deputies noticed the silver Toyota Camry traveling east with windows that had a, quote, very dark tint. As the deputies hit their emergency lights and attempted to pull over the Camry, they noticed the driver moving around in his seat and leaning over the console. Already, this is suspish. I thought that I thought there was dark tint. Anyway, after the car came to a stop, a deputy approached the 25 year old passenger.

The officer wrote in the report that he noticed a strong odor of burnt cannabis emanating from inside the vehicle. The 34 year old driver was asked to get out of the car for a search of the interior. Deputies spotted a small plastic cup in the center console's cup holder containing a white crystal substance. By the way, I think every car in Florida has that. I think it's like having the pine tree freshener hanging off your radio. I think it's also an option on any cars bought in Florida. Like, does this one come with white substance in a cup?

They immediately recognized it as, of course, crystal meth. The substance was later field tested and they were correct. Both suspects were cuffed when asked if she had anything on her. The passenger admitted to storing meth in her vagina and blamed the driver for telling her to quote, hide her stash when they were being pulled over. The report says a female deputy was requested and assisted with removing the drugs from her body cavity from inside, according to the report, found inside, according to the report, a plastic bag with 10.8 grams of meth.

By the way, just to point out, we are mocking this woman as we are both on methamphetamines as we record this podcast. I'm on them right now. I am on them right now. Took a little Ritalin this morning. Yep. But I keep mine in my ass, so it's a little different. I'm not Florida.

Yes. Keep it in a cool, dark place. That's what the doctors say. By the way, have you ever seen the lips on a meth head? This woman is going to need some Vagisil stat. I hope it was a good bag. I mean, if that can get in your blood system down there, for sure. This is so common in Florida that I'm sure the police have a code for it.

You know, methamphetamines stored in a vagina. They're like, we got a 327 on i-80 east or like or a panther a panther with cocaine in the system we got a 527 okay it's like all right imagine the dispatcher all right we got a cocaine cat up a tree. I mean, what a night in Florida traffic. And we got. Yeah, it's crazy. That was Ohio, though. Right. But I did read a story. There was some story this week. Of another like because cocaine bear is bringing out all these stories anyway. I think there was one in Florida. All right. Are sports let's do some sports let's do it i'm gonna go back to the amazon crime bag okay sports an artificial turf uh is potentially linked to cancer deaths of six Phillies ball players. A report on a possible link between a rare brain cancer that killed six professional U.S. baseball players and toxic chemicals and artificial turf is raising a new round of questions over whether synthetic sports fields pose a health threat to athletes and others who use them. The six athletes who all died from gliobalstoma played most of their careers with the Philadelphia Phillies. Maybe that killed them. A team that for decades competed on artificial

turf in Veterans Stadium. Yeah. are we not going to explore the possibility that they also lived in Philadelphia for a long time? I looked it up online. Philadelphia was named the most toxic city in America. Are you talking about their personalities? The EPA data compared the air quality, water quality, population health, and toxic release inventory of the 80 largest metropolitan areas in the U.S. Philadelphia failed.

They were the number one in the pounds of potentially dangerous chemicals released into the environment from industries such as manufacturing, utilities, metal, and coal mining. from industries such as manufacturing, utilities, metal, and coal mining. So, yeah, the AstroTurf was probably the safest part of the city. Listen, God bless the families of these, is it seven that have died? Six, yes. Don't blow this out of proportion. Right, I'm already getting ahead of myself. I'm sure there's more sadly coming. But listen, I am in no way making a joke about them and all this.

The only thing is, how come more fans didn't get it? That's what I really am asking. I mean, the front row fans in Philly, they're not close enough to the field. I wish the players were spared. Plus, they generally storm onto the field during every game. So they're making contact with that AstroTurf. Yeah.

By the way, I've played and been on fields when AstroTurf was first coming. Have you ever been on the ones that had the black pellets? Oh, yeah. You almost like you could see them when you were on the field, but you couldn't see them from like the stands. But first of all, all also that field got so hot yeah it was insane and i know i know there's also forget the toxic thing there's also kids having heat stroke and and athletes having heat stroke passing out especially when they go back

early like for double sessions at the end of summer and stuff before school starts like that was not a good idea. I immediately thought of my son because he played, uh, from the time he was six until today, he still plays soccer. He has played on the club team and a school team. So he has played double practices like three or four days a week and then games on weekends. Uh, and he's still playing in college so he's like he's been on astroturf his entire life wow and that shit does feel toxic when you stand on it

on a hot day it has a smell to it no it does it always smelled like um fuel yeah it's like there was some and i'm sure so like it's probably an explanation like an ethanol or some all. And that's why to me it smelled kind of like in the kerosene gasoline family. When he was when he was young, it's rubber. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about. Good. When they put down the field at the Santa Monica airport, the soccer fields at the Santa Monica airport, there was a dumpster that had like the clippings of the, of the field, you know, the, the extra AstroTurf. And I went, I went in it and I pulled a bunch out and I brought it back to my house and I,

I did my whole backyard in AstroTurf and I put in goals and I spray painted lines in our backyard. Your son had it. Owen had it at home too. Yes, exactly. Oh my God. Oh your son had it. Owen had it at home, too. Yes, exactly. Oh, my God. Oh, God. All right. I just got an email from Judd Apatow that he will not be able to make it to the St. Patrick's Day show because he's going to Sandler's Mark Twain Award.

Wow. Which was also Nick Swartzen's excuse. Interesting. Why don't we have it there? We'll do it in the Kennedy Center. And then he said you were funny on Corolla. I didn't know that Judd listened to Corolla. I guess maybe he listened because I was on.

That's nice. That's very nice compliment also. So, yeah, the Mark Twain Award for Waterboy. Huh. Interesting. All right. Oh, come on. You can't take away from Adam Sandler.

No, I love Adam Sandler. I mean, that guy is a prolific, positive force in the world. I'm a big fan of Adam Sandler's. And like some of his movies are silly, but they weren't trying to be anything else. Right. What do we got left here? Nice guy in the world, by the way.

Oh, yeah. All right. So we didn't read these stories. So let's cut straight down to this day in history. Let's see. Here you go. Little, little, little paper. Okay. So in 1930, on this very day,

Mahandas Gandhi began a 241-mile civil disobedience march. He went from, he was protesting the British monopoly on salt and against British rule in India. I didn't realize they were still ruling in 1930. What year did they stop ruling in India? Jesus. Britain's salt acts prohibited Indians from collecting or selling salt, a staple in the Indian diet.

Citizens were forced to buy the vital mineral from the British, who in addition to exercising a monopoly over the manufacturer and sale of salt, also exerted a heavy salt tax. Although India's poor suffered most under the tax, Indians required salt. Defying the tax, the required salt. Defying the salt acts Gandhi reasoned would be an ingeniously simple way for many Indians to break a British law of nonviolently. He declared resistance to British salt policies to be the unifying theme of his new campaign of Satya Grasa, or mass civil disobedience. So he set out with 78 followers and, um,

uh, they, they marched. I mean, it's just, it's just so amazing because, uh, the,

the fucking, what, what will people do now? We, I won't even walk to the store to get some salt. Like we're so fucking uncommitted. Like they, they were met with. You went on one of those marches in the last couple of years did i you didn't go to the women's march oh yeah i did yeah but i was more

of a subway march now's your time to say yes we took the subway to the march and it was backed up so far deep that you couldn't move when you got off the subway. When marches are a hassle, that's the worst. I'm just saying women were so into that march, which was what, like 2019? And the next year, like a third of them showed up. And the next year, a tenth of them showed up. That thing fucking lost steam. Yeah. Well, changing subjects for a second of you i have not read it of course because i don't read but uh the book salt apparently is fascinating and how throughout

the ages it was a currency no shit yeah yeah and that valuable and there's sayings like worth his salt and there's another famous saying that still exists because of it. Anyway, he was a salty dog. I don't think that's the one. I don't think that's, I don't think that that salty dog is worth much with the salt on him. Yeah.

But yeah, so this, I do want to read more about this, but that's amazing. Started with 78. started with 78. Started with 78. And how many, what did it build to? Along the way, he addressed large crowds.

Tens of thousands. Yeah. And tens of thousands. He would lead prayers. And they planned to work the salt flats on the beach, encrusted with crystallized sea salt at every high tide. But the police had forestalled him by crushing the salt deposits into the mud. What? And in coastal cities, Indian nationalists led crowds of citizens in making salt. Civil disobedience broke out all across India, soon involving millions of Indians.

And the British authorities arrested more than 60,000 people. Gandhi himself was arrested, but the march went on without him. British-led Indian policemen viciously beat the peaceful protesters. In January 31, Gandhi was released from prison. He met with Lord Irwin and agreed to call off the Satyagraha in exchange for an equal negotiating role at a London conference in India's future. So he became a force he couldn't ignore anymore uh yeah and i mean this is i know it sounds stupid way to say it but this is like before social media is before self-tapping and like that and they control uh media. And so it's very hard to build. It must've been so challenging to build

a movement. Um, and he, and he did. And just on this walk, it's incredible. And then it says he, uh, uh, Gandhi spoke and led prayers when he, at the end of that, and early the next morning, walked down to the sea to make salt, which is, that's how you and I, that's called a piss when you and I do it. When we make salt? Yes. Yeah. We just pee in the ocean.

And I think that's what, anyway, terrible joke. But Gandhi, boy, they should make a movie about this guy. I know. Shouldn't they? They should make it long because this is a lot to cover. What year was that? I'm looking it up. What year was that?

Gandhi, I would say. I'm going to say 79. All right, let's see. I'm going to say 81. I'm going to say 80. Because I remember when I saw it. Here we go. You ready?

Drum roll, please. I'm going to say 80. Because I remember when I saw it. Here we go. You ready? Drum roll, please. 1981 was Atlantic City Chariots of Fire on Golden Pond. Raiders of the Lost Ark Reds. First of all, listen to those fucking movies.

1980, we already read. When the hell is Gandhi 83? 82. E.T. Wow, I already read it. E.T. Gandhi. Jesus. Missing. Tootsie. The Verdict. Wow. No, I, I already read it. E.T. The Gandhi's missing Tootsie the verdict. Wow.

No, I mean, I read it before. We're going backwards here. We're going backwards. We got to go forward into Ask Greg and Mike, our hottest news segment. All right. Well, we just proved we know nothing. All right. Well, anyone ask us anything.

We just proved we know nothing. Uh, this is a segment that we try to, um, take our years of living on this earth, challenging the truth and, and, uh, and impart it to you.

Oh, just got a text from Pete Holmes who said that, uh, I'm out of town, but thank you, sweet boy. May the luck of our people be upon ye. Okay, so he's out.

I read the first line of this letter. I'm a 37-year-old single male. I'm not, okay, I'm not listening. This is from Zach. I'm a 37-year-old single male without any sisters or very close female friends, and it recently dawned on me that I don't really know how periods work. Menstruation, not punctuation.

I understand the basic concept that once a month your cunt bleeds. Oh. Oh. I didn't see that coming. For a few days, but what I've never bothered to ask. Sounds like he's got it. Anyone is exactly how the blood comes out does it seep out unnoticeably is it a slow and steady drip

or does it geyser out in spasmodic bursts without warning do women menstruating people women feel anything does it hurt do they just see the aftermath i'd love both your thoughts and figured there was no one better to ask than a couple of giant pussies oh wow switched it up switched it up from the c word okay zach mike you've got uh two daughters and an ex-wife and a current girlfriend so you you've dealt with more vaginas than I have. So why don't you answer this question? I think it gushes out like crazy and they feel shame. That's why you can't give them tampons. It just makes it go away instead of them dealing with their reality. I have not used it in a while but i literally i think i've shown it before i have the

flow app on my phone and that's a period app and that is very handy you know for women so they can see if their cycle is late or anything like that it's also very happy uh very handy for men who know when to just fucking say yes and agree. Yep. Yeah. Then when to plan a boy's night out. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I have not been involved with my daughter's period in any way whatsoever. And I'm no longer involved with my wife's period,

which she is also no longer involved with. Oh, all right. I mean, does she like you sharing that? I don't know. 57 years old. You could still make her bleed. Yeah. The Fakening said...

Be a man. The Fakening said, what are your top three must-try restaurants and specific dishes for the Venice and Santa Monica area of Los Angeles. Huh. Well, I like, you know, we went to is Hama Sushi down on the beach. If you're going to get sushi on the west side, it's fun. It's indoor, outdoor. It's been there for 40 years. Great music, funky vibe, very artsy, and a good hang right next to the ocean.

Yeah. On Abbott Kinney, there's—well, I love this restaurant, Piccolo. Oh, I love Piccolo. There's two Piccolos. Yeah, yeah, but one on Abbott Kinney, and then, yeah, there's one on Lincoln in Santa Monica. But Piccolo is fresh, homemade pasta, and it's a great Italian place. It doesn't have a full bar, but wine and beer. And then across the street from that is Jelena, which is generally considered one of LA's top

restaurants. It is, but I think it's overhyped. I think it's really expensive. It's hard to get in, and it's one of those, what do they call it when you get small dishes instead of a full plate of food? Gypped? Yeah, that's what it is. It's a gypped factory. It's the same price as a normal plate of food, but it's about a half a plate of food.

Yeah, and then down the street is now a new, not a newcomer, but but i mean it's newer than jelena but it's uh i'm forgetting the name but it's closer to main street felix oh felix is very expensive i eat there felix is i think harder to get into also and everything now felix is impossible to get into i went there i tried my my bill i have a friend who started a hedge fund and i've talked about him before and he's he's a guy i went to high school with who was not the brightest kid by any stretch of the imagination but went to wall street and uh started a hedge fund and he is now a billionaire this is a kid who did not grow up with a lot of money and he's a billionaire and so he lives in new york and he came to la and he's like uh he's like let's go to dinner and i said great and uh i i said where do

you want to go and he goes let's try that place felix and so i tried to get reservation like three different ways couldn't get one and then i told him we can't get one but i got a reservation somewhere else and then he called me back like seven minutes later he's like i got us a table at 6 30 saturday night i'm like how the fuck did you do that he's like i'm a billionaire i mean what does he tell them like split the check with me split the fucking check yes he did do you think he called because even if you're a billionaire do you call and say like hey listen i'm gonna just so you know i'm gonna, I'm a foodie and I'm successful. I'm going to spend at least $500. You know, we should do that story. There's, there's, there's a, there's an app that is about how much money you have and it prioritizes

reservations. I, I, I'm not making this up. I think I saw it somewhere. I read it somewhere this week. So anyway, we can look, yeah, let's look into that. But, uh, listen, what we should recommend to this guy is Scopa is maybe my favorite restaurant on the West side. It's so loud though. It's a big place, but it's lively, full bar, homemade pasta is great. Now comfort. If you just want a comfortable, is great. Now, comfort, if you just want a comfortable, amazing place with strong drinks and great burgers and pasta and basic comfort food, I mean, we love the galley. Yeah, the galley's fun. And it's like a real West Side staple. It's got a lot of character. A lot of locals go there every night they sit at the bar it's

the kind of place where you can strike up a conversation with anybody and it's decorated with christmas lights year-round yep shay jay is a kind of similar vibe although they've gotten a bit trendy yeah um all right let's do one more uh okay this is from ray who identifies as a he him from toronto i think if you live in toronto you're kind of a he she because the men in canada are kind of soft okay i'm a fiction writer who's had minor success with local contests i don't know what that means a lifetime ago and gotten some whiffs of interest a whiff of interest with screenplays and tv show pitching in decades past, but I haven't made a sale yet, let alone approaching being able to make a career by writing. What would your advice

be for trying to break into writing for the movie or TV industry? Contests, if so, which ones? Trying to land an agent. I'm happy to do the writing and legwork, but want to make the best use of time and effort to get some traction somewhere, anywhere. Well, first of all, change from he, him to she, he, him to a she, her immediately. Oh, man. I don't know. Maybe change to a they, it. Yes.

Do a they, it. A thon, thus. Yeah. No, but in all seriousness uh the best thing you can do if you live in canada is come up with a way to get your writing in front of people because number one it'll force you to write and the more you write the better you're going to get at writing and number two you don't have to wait for somebody to say yes. You can start to put out essays, funny tweets, figure out what your strength is.

And, you know, you can write blogs. Blog writing still exists. There's plenty of people that have big followings on, what's the name of the app that people write sort of blogs on still? Tumblr? Yeah, maybe it's Tumblr. No, it is. Is it Tumblr? Yeah, maybe it's Tumblr. No, it is. Is it Tumblr?

Didn't Facebook put them all out of business? I don't know. I don't know, but find your medium on social media and put stuff out, build up a following, and then you will be in a position then to reach out to an agency and say, look, I've got some critical mass. I've got people, I've got a body of work.

It's very hard to just write a script and send it to an agency when you live in Canada and expect them to pay much attention to it. Not with this idea. I'm going to give, I'm going to give real concrete advice to, uh, to Ray. Uh, so we talked about CODA. Here's the idea for a movie, uh, COBA, about CODA, here's the idea for a movie. COBA, Children of Blind Adults. So you just take CODA, which was about deaf people, and you make it about blind people, it's a comedy, it's a very fun, they're all bumping into each other.

It writes itself, in fact, just don't even, just stay out of its way. It's gonna write itself and then submit that everywhere you can. And you're going to be nominated. You're going to be one of the 40 films that's nominated next year. Chris Denman writes in from St. Louis, the hotbed of entertainment that it is. They have government money that has to be spent on entertainment. Pitch for grants.

That's actually legit. You can, and I'm sure Canada has it. You know, find a way to do it that way, I guess. I mean, I don't know why I'm thinking about Hollywood. I mean, Jesus, Canada's got a thriving movie and TV industry. I mean, what was that show that was big last year, set in the motel, the family that loses all their money? Schitt's Creek?

Schitt's Creek, starred as a Canadian broadcasting show okay another movie idea canadian bacon it's it's autobiographical you have this amazing title called canadian bacon and you kidnap uh what's his name? Kevin Bacon. And you force him to do this movie and you have him in Toronto in some cellar tied up and gagged. Again, it writes itself. Just stay out of its way. I love it. Canadian Bacon. Nice of Mike to take this opportunity as a seasoned writer and impart real wisdom to people that are trying to follow their dreams. Nice, Mike.

Now you can see why I'm so busy. Letters to the editor. This is a different section. Are we doing it? Yeah, yeah. Let's do that. All right. I don't have any more movie ideas, so I hope they're not asking.

Charles McLennan says, as for your doctor visit, I was talking for a very short time to a nurse. Did I talk about my proctology exam on last week's episode? Too much. Too much. I talked to a nurse that worked for a proctologist. She said that a preacher was in for a hemorrhoid surgery, and she had to put two fingers in his ass and spread them apart for the doctor to work.

As she moved her fingers around throughout the surgery the preacher got hard and actually came so he was really into butt play or it's super good i know from teaching women to have anal sex once i got them to orgasm that way anal sex is the main way they want sex afterwards. What is this? I even had a girlfriend that broke up with keep emailing me. He devolves off into, I think he's a crazy person. And I don't know that this preacher really orgasmed from hemorrhoid surgery. I don't know that that's true. I want to go back to the first line.

As for your doctor visit, I was, I was talking for a very short time to a nurse. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine, I imagine based on the rest of your letter that that was a very short conversation. Hi, nice to meet you. Oh, what do you do? Uh, I work for a proctologist. Has anyone ever come while you stuck their fingers over their... Yeah, I got a role. Really nice meeting you. Oh, man. All right, let's get down to the obituary this week.

Yep, here we go. And that's all, folks. Robert Blake, the Emmy Award winning performer who went from acclaim for his acting to notoriety when he was tried and acquitted of murdering his wife. He died Thursday at age 89. He died from heart disease. Star of 1970s TV show Beretta. Were you a Beretta fan? Not really. but I mean,

it was every, I mean, there was only three channels, you know, and he had that parrot, the white parrot on his, you know, in his apartment. And he always like... Tough talking cop. Yeah, I think he cracked nuts a lot and by that, I mean, he busted balls. But it's true.

There was three channels back then. So even if you weren't a fan of a show, you watched it because it was on. Yeah. Whether it was Kojak or Beretta or Hill Street Blues, we all watched the same shows. So he never recovered from the long ordeal which began with the shooting death of his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakley, outside a Studio City restaurant in 2001. The story of their strange marriage the child had produced and its violent end was a Hollywood tragedy played out in court.

Hey, maybe the Canadian guy can write this screenplay. Canadian Blakin. I'm on fire. So he was adamant he had not killed his wife. He was acquitted. But he was liable for her death in order to pay Bakley's family $30 million, a judgment that sent him into bankruptcy. So he started out in our gang comedies and acted in a child actor, child actor.

Yeah. He was in Truman Capote's in cold blood. Yup. He might've been nominated for that. Um, he won the 75 Emmy. That's correct. And, uh, he was apparently a, there was a lot of disputes because he was a temperamental star he was very difficult to work with and so he didn't work a lot later in life

um born to italian immigrants in new jersey and uh but where's the stuff about the murder of the wife? He's a tough psychopath. Well, you know, he what happened vaguely, I remember, is he they ate at a restaurant together. He then this is trust me, you'll think I get these details wrong, but this is how it happened. He then parked in the alley behind the restaurant because he forgot his gun in the restaurant. He went into the restaurant. I believe this is, I have this right. Vitello's. Yeah, Vitello's. And when he came out, she had been killed. Now, I remember at the time, you know, you look to these comedy greats to just cut through everything and get to the most logical thing. And Gary Shandling said he he's totally guilty because because, you know, the court found him not guilty. He goes, because here's the deal. You hate your wife. You really hate her.

You talk about how much you hate her. You also talk about wishing she were dead. You want your wife dead. You go back into the restaurant to get some, you come out and she's dead. No one is that lucky. Like what a coincidence. There was also a weird story where she had a baby girl she named christian brando son of marlin and she said that christian brando uh was the father of the child but dna test pointed to blake yeah yeah so he had quite a life quite a life i hope i hope i have an obituary as interesting as that when i die he was a punchline or part of a punchline in anchorman 2 last night was he yep wow so i heard his name just last night damn um all right let's get to the funny sunday funnies

listen to it all right this week we got uh dilbert we got a dilbert strip a new one you want to read it uh so wait are we going to talk about this? No, let's just read it. All right. Well, uh, Dilbert walks into the conference room, um, and it looks like there's, uh, an African American woman and she has, uh, the, uh, dry erase marker in her hand. And Dilbert's like, Carol, why do you have that marker in your hand? That's a whiteboard.

Carol, why do you have that marker in your hand? That's a whiteboard. Now, are we going to explain this? Yeah, those are for good. Those are for good ideas from white people, Carol. It's a whites only board. I mean, I think that's what he's trying to say. All right. Let's get down a Haggar the Horrible. Wait a minute.

Okay. Wait. All right. I think we have to have a podcast meeting. I think you just hung me out to dry. No, what's the guys? All right. We, that was our friend, our friend Dickie. Yeah. Richard Egan, as his brother calls him. Right. He said maybe we should make up our own Dilbert cartoon. So each week we're going to make up a Dilbert cartoon. So the cartoonist got in trouble, right, for racially insensitive material. Do I have that right? Yes. His name was Charles something.

So we coughed that one up pretty quickly right as we were pressing record at the beginning of this podcast. And I don't know how that came out. It's all my ideas. It doesn't involve Kevin Bacon or Canada, but I'm loaded with ideas today. And so we're trying to write in his voice. That's a fair way of saying it. Yeah. All right.

This is from- Thank you, Dickie, for the idea. This is a letter I got from a woman who calls herself a real life blondie babe. She said, I'm a longtime listener of all of yours. Oh, wait a second. Just got a text from the Sklar brothers. And they said, we're out of town, but thank you, sweet boy. May the luck- No, but thank you, sweet boy. May the luck.

No, that's. Wait a minute. Are they stealing? What's his name's material? Pete Holmes. Yeah. Hollywood has gotten together to come up with a rubber stamp. No to my Irish St. Patrick's Day show.

Sorry, sweet boy. I'm out of town. Randy Sklar said, ah, shit. I'm. Patrick's Day chef. Sorry, sweet boy, I'm out of town. Randy Sklara said, ah, shit, I'm in Joshua Tree. Fuck, sorry, Fitzy. Oh, nice. They won't be there. So she said, I'm a longtime listener of yours and Allison's podcast. You two are my faves and a good influence on my life.

You two help me realize I want a family and want a happy marriage. You talk about your family in a way that not a lot of people get to witness in real life. Don't correct her keep i i am blondie and i have finally uprooted my life from a dagwood sometimes it's very easy to forgive an unsatisfying life with someone because life is just hard these last few years but for those same few years i heard you talk mad shit about dagwood and even listen to these rants with my dagwood and secretly hoped they would speak to him but apparently they only spoke to me thank you for taking the shit that no one else in my life would have said to me these rants with my dagwood and secretly hoped they would speak to him but apparently they only spoke to me thank you for taking the shit that no one else in my life would have said to me but needed to be called out life is starting to feel better talking the shit i think she said talking the shit that no one else in her life would have said oh talking the shit yeah yeah

all right changing lives on sunday papers And there's no picture with this letter. There is no picture. No. She says she's a real life blondie, but maybe she could send a photo. We can decide. And include the calves. Make sure the calves are in the shot. Well, listen, we're very happy for you.

We're going to get a letter from Dagwood. I mean, look, it's a very tough thing. When you get married, you literally say on the altar that this is for life. It is a legal contract forever. And so you can get trapped into feeling like there is no choice. And maybe sometimes you're in a relationship where the person you're with is, you know, there's different levels of calling someone abusive. But to to be unemotional and make you feel alone.

I mean, that's no way to go through life. So I'm happy for you that you realize that this guy is a sandwich eating, low self-esteem, mid-level manager who doesn't make love to you when there's a when there's a nap to be had. who doesn't make love to you when there's a nap to be had. So good for you. Better to be alone and happy than with someone and unhappy. And alone doesn't mean lonely. You were alone for a bunch of years after your divorce, and you were— Lonely. No, you were okay. No, I was totally okay.

Oh, my God, yeah. No, that marriage slowly came to an end, and there were no surprises, I was totally okay. Oh my God. Yeah. No, that marriage, uh, slowly came to an end and there were no surprises. So that's good. Um, and yeah, no, it's, it's, and I don't know, hopefully as you get older, you realize, you know, you realize without being selfish about it, you gotta, you gotta look out for your own happiness more than it took me a while to learn that, you know? And so, yeah. All right.

Well, listen, speaking of so many good ideas, I'm running on empty now. Speaking of happily married couples, here's a Hager and Helga sitting on the, on the couch together and their arm and arm and they're smiling. They do look happy.

They look very happy. They are having some cuddle session, some medieval cuddle session on the couch. And he goes, you're the only one for me, Helga. Why, even if Lady Godiva rode through our front door, I wouldn't give her a second look. And Helga goes, how long would the first look last? And he's like, I don't look at them when I rape them. I go by feel. I'm old school.

Why would I want to see that? I just get sad when I look at the fear in their eyes. Boner killer. You don't want a boner killer during a rape. Yeah, tell me that Lady Godiva would not have gotten raped. you don't want a boner killer during a rape. Yeah. Tell me that Lady Godiva would not have gotten raped. That was not a true story. She would have been raped instantly in those days.

I don't know anything about Lady Godiva. Neither do I. All right. Here comes the far side. Okay. Oh, oh man. All right.

I'll look up when you're doing Blondie. I'll look up who sent this in, but this was sent in and I love it. I remember this one vividly. So it's a two parter. They're on top of each other in this frame of the far side. And the guy, this guy is reading a letter and it's crudely, the handwriting is very crude and it says master and like the S is backwards. And it's like me and Rex took the car K.A.R. to town. Stay home! Exclamation point.

Stay! Exclamation points. Ha ha ha ha ha. The dog. And then you see underneath two dogs just joyriding in a car. But the stay, ha, ha, ha, like that they get it is so funny to me. Yeah, I always love that one. That's a fucking great one.

Oh, it's really great. And now here she is, the woman who is in a stalled out marriage, who, unlike our listener, has not gotten off her ass and freed herself. Shitface comes home from work. He's got on a light blue trench coat, which I've never seen on a man. And she goes, how did employee appreciation day go? And he goes, the boss outdid himself. We got free coffee all day. and the boss even gave me a fist bump you fucking low expectation having piece of shit and then she kisses him and goes

wow he really raised the bar this year is he a mentally challenged human being like he expects nothing and you're encouraging this she i think she could do better is what you've been saying i think a podcaster who comes to you from different cities around the country every sunday because he's traveling around spreading mirth that would be it that would be a man for you yeah i have no boss i don't have a boss that's the best thing about my life we have no boss. I don't have a boss. That's the best thing about my life. We have no boss. You're peddling pins all over the country. Peddling pins, baby.

She would love it. She'd be wearing one. In this cartoon, she'd have Fitz Dog pins all over her big tits. It was Timothy Cain who sent in that far side. Thank you, Timothy. Very nice. And thank you also to the Midcoast Media people that make the show happen every week. Yeah. Thank you, Timothy. Very nice. And thank you also to the Midcoast Media people that make the show happen every week. Yeah. Thank you, guys. You're the best. And thanks for producing the show. April 1st, we'll be coming to you in St. Louis. Also, don't forget about Green Chef. Right now,

you can go to greenchef.com slash paper 60. Use paper code paper 60 and get 60% off plus free shipping. We know you'll love it. We love it. And that should pretty much do it. I'll be back in L.A. next weekend, and we'll be doing the show. What do you think about this idea, Mike Gibbons? I'm an idea factory. Go ahead, Greg.

What if we got together in the studio and did Sunday Papers next week and see how it goes? Interesting. Yeah. I don't like it, but I think we should maybe we try it. Let's try it. Let's try it and see how it feels. And that's going to be. Oh, yeah, we have to figure out some scheduling.

I don't know. The show's Friday night. Is the show Friday night? Oh, yeah, we have to figure out some scheduling. What? The show's Friday night. Is the show Friday night? The show's Friday night, yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're thinking Saturday morning? Yeah. All right.

All right, good. We'll talk about the show. All right, listen, everybody. You've literally seen the full extent of our production meetings and conversations about the show. Yeah, exactly uh thanks for listening uh we love you guys and we'll see you next week take it eesh take it eesh Sunday This might sound ordinary But this is discretionary When I choose the news

I choose you Do news Fake news Hot news Blue clues Thank you. The hosts of stimulating I'm uneducated But since I use Bluetooth I choose to love you Happy Sunday Sunday

Sunday