Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike EP 156 3/19/23

Episode Date: March 19, 2023

We recorded in person for the 1st time! Better? Worse? You decide. Abortion, Drag Queens and a spy cam in a bathroom. Good wholesome news from your friends at Sunday Papers!

It's Gibbons and Gibbons, the Gibbons and Gibbons podcast. It's Gibbons and Gibbons, it's Gibbons and Gibbons, it's only Sunday. It's Gibbons and Gibbons, it's only Sunday. Bring it in, we're going to clap in, in 3, 2, 1. What about me? 3, 2, 1. Is that how we both clap? No, I think there's a lot of clapping. No, no, no.

One of us can clap right here. That's what I did. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, I could have. Here we go. Three, two, one. Now we're talking.

There we go. Read all about it. Oh, my God. Read all of it. You've never been in the same room as read all about it. I do not like this at all. Hear ye, hear ye. Extra, extra.

This is bizarre. This is wrong. I think it's wrong. It's too intimate. It is too intimate. Yeah. And then I'm looking down here. Yeah.

I'll be less focused. We'll try. Let's try. We're going to see how it goes. You know, people have clamored for it. They said, look, I'm the first person to say that people have taken advantage of the pandemic to get lazy and like i went to therapy online for a long time and i still do sometimes and i go can we meet in person no it's still the pen it's not the

pandemic you don't want to drive to work or pay for an office anymore. 100% correct. Yeah. Zoom with the wife. You don't have to be in the same bed. Right. You don't have to do that. I'm going to be late for dinner. But you're downstairs. I don't want to have to put pants on.

Yeah. All right. This is a weird dynamic. I wonder if it'll sell. I wonder if it'll sell. I wonder if it'll sell. Well, I think what we're going to get, we're not going to have that delay sometimes of like stepping on each other that sometimes happens. We're pretty good at that, I have to say.

Yeah, yeah. Because in phone calls, just with civilians, it's amazing how I have to do a lot of the work in sensing their timing. So, yeah, that is different. The good one. You see what Chris wrote? Confirming your cameras are on.

Yes, they're on. This one looks on. Yes. Filming away. Here we are. Look at the posters. How about it in here? Yeah.

You know, I really. And your famous green wall, which I don't have one. I really need to make this a studio, though, so this looks a little more professional. I think it's a good vibe in here, and man, all this light is amazing. A lot of good light. Yeah. And there was also, because it's St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, there's an Irish band practicing on the football field across the street. Oh, that's so I was driving up and there was a bagpiper. Yeah.

By one of the airport hangers. Yes. So if you don't. I'm like, that's an annoying passenger. Yeah. It's his emotional support instrument. Yeah. I think it's going to be either plane noises or bagpipes.

Pick your poison for today's background noise. All right. We should tell people it's a Thursday. Oh, yeah. We're recording early this week because Mike's girlfriend is coming to town. And we're trying to carve out space for them to have alone time. And what's nice. That's not what we're doing.

And then what's nice is uh also we have the show tomorrow night st patrick's day show friday night so i i think we're going to be pretty beat saturday although you have shows all the time right i'm used to that shit yeah that's why i like to do it later in the day and you like to do it earlier but i'm not i'm out i'm usually out till one in the morning right and i And then I can't sleep because I'm thinking about what went wrong in the set. You and the whole audience. Everyone. Everyone's tired the next day.

Everyone. It's so funny because the St. Patrick's Day show has been such a pain in the ass to book. I mean, we ended up with a good show. We got Harlan Williams is going to do it. Owen Smith. You know Owen Smith. Yep. Right.

Everyone's out of town. Everybody. I'm going to read the list. Now, keep in mind, I looked online to see who was out of town. I did not reach out to anybody who had a date on their website that they were out of town. I didn't bother, obviously. These are the people that are in town, and I asked and couldn't do it. Jesselnik, Neil Brennan, Leslie Jones, Bill Burr, Mark Maron, Carolyn Ray, Melissa Villasenor, Aisha Tyler, Craig Robinson, Judd Apatow, Fahim Anwar, Nick Swartzen, Andrew Santino, Rory Scovel, the Sklar brothers, neither one of them.

Pete Holmes, Kevin Nealon, Karen Kilgariff, David Spade, Zach Galifianakis, Daniel Tosh, Bert Kreischer. None of them. None of them could do the show. But wait, they're not in town, though. Yeah, they are. They're all in town. Every one of them. No, isn't Apatow...

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, but I mean, what I'm saying is they didn't have advertised dates. Oh, yeah, yeah. I take those people out of the mix. Joel McHale also. Right. I found out by reaching out dates like i oh yeah i take those people out of the mix i didn't reach out to anybody also right i found out by reaching out that a lot of them were at uh sandler's um mark twain award in dc

yeah there's a few of them going to that but i mean jesus what up so um so it's a pain in the ass and uh we're gonna have a good show zach may show up right it's still a possibility i think so i mean he's really tight uh with gubbins uh so and i think they've been talking so we'll see yeah he should and then my guest list i i got 42 people on the guest list what yeah well i took up a chunk of that with a table yeah you're like five but you know you know mike mikey fitzgibbon gave me like seven fucking names what yeah all right well i can can you reserve a table people will talk to this is not podcast material that's not that's our business but we're also going to have, this year, we got Irish music.

We got Irish decorations. What's the Irish music? I made a whole playlist on- That guy at the airport down the street? That guy's booked six months in advance. It's the only day of the year he works. Totally. Insistently.

Funerals and this. Yeah. Yeah. He checks the old bitch. Shit. Or maybe he's psyched. Honey, fireman died. Fireman died.

You know what that means. Wow, wow, wow. Let me add to the family's misery and bring a bag that weezes. That nobody can tell if you're on or off key. Crazy. It's so random. And yet, play it at a funeral and watch me cry like a fucking baby. No, it's pretty great.

Yeah. All right, so who's the music? What? Or you just have... So I know, I put together a playlist of Irish music. And then me and my friend Laureen, who's Irish, she's from Boston, and we're having a competition of who makes the best Irish soda bread. Huh.

So they're going to be serving two. Each person's going to get two pieces of Irish soda bread, and they're going to vote on which is the best. Wow. When are you making yours? Today. All right. Blind taste test.

I like it. And then we have some other special surprises. We got Dennis Gubbins wants to do a comedy sketch. Okay. On the okay me? On the somewhat okay me. Yeah, we'll get to Gubbins in a bit. Oh, yeah.

Stick around because what I did is I took not that deep of a dive, but I got pretty fascinated with this chat GPT. Anyway, I asked the AI about Gubbins and it was fascinating. So, and I'm going to read that. So there's enough on, well, yeah, we'll do it later. No, it was unbelievable. Yeah.

Can I tell you how sick I am of bad comedians doing crowd work now? Because that's all you see on Instagram? It's all you see. It's like, look, if you have a magic piece of crowd work, if something really fun happens, by all means, put it up. Right. But you see comics and they go to the clubs and they do two thirds of their act is crowd work. And all they're doing is going, what's your name? Where are you from? What do you do? And they're waiting

for something to happen. And then they think that that's worth putting on the internet. Right. I mean, you got guys like, you know, Ian Bagg, who's amazing and like, you know, consistently puts up great crowd work. Right. But there's so many people that are awful at it. And I think it's going to end the comedy boom. I think it's going to be the thing that ends the comedy boom. Wow. Crowd work.

Well, let me, that was my whole, that was three quarters of my bit tomorrow night. You don't do any crowd work. I should pretend to do crowd work just to be nice. Do you want to give the people a taste of maybe some of the material you're going to try tomorrow night? I'm trying to wait. There was something I was wondering if I should. Well, there's a true story. I told you the story about that service monkey on the airline.

Maybe I'll do that. Did I ever tell you that? No. It's, it's more visual, but it was a service. Yeah. I, I've definitely told you where it was feeding the, uh, paraplegic quadriplegic. No, I wouldn't remember that. No, I would remember that it was feeding it grapes. How did this not make it onto Sunday papers? All right. I'll do it right now. I'll do it right now. Basically, it was, and I'm going to just do a fast version because I don't have that much energy right now. Oh, that's good to hear at the beginning of the podcast. You know, I knew a flight attendant, and this is firsthand from her.

She was off in a flight attendant in first class. So this is up in first class, And this quadriplegic came on. Service animal is this monkey. He's had the monkey forever. And the monkey does things like if anything drops or whatever. And it also feeds him. So fine. Is this like a bar room joke?

No. This is absolutely true. You realize you just said feeding it. No, I didn't. Did I? Yeah. Oh, wow. All right. Okay. So maybe that's the pronoun. You can't make assumptions about how people identify now.

So anyway, the monkey is feeding. And then there was turbulence and something anyway threw off the monkey a little because they started to hear the guy making noise. And the monkey is just looking around. The monkey is on high alert, just putting grapes in his mouth. And the guy's like, and he's trying to move, but monkeys are good, man.

Fucking dexterous. The grapes are getting in there and the monkey, and then when they come to help, including the woman I knew, come out, it's like, you know, it's like jumping at it. And then just more grapes.

And this guy's full-blown, red in the face. He's suffocating. Everyone's terrified. He had told people ahead of time, try not to show your teeth to the monkey because it's a form of aggression. But they're like, oh my God. And the monkey's now full on. He sees nothing but teeth.

Nothing but teeth and jamming grapes. Somehow that's soothing this monkey. The pilot comes out, reads the situation immediately, goes for the monkey. The monkey's like that. And the pilot knows enough. Pilot goes back, gets his blazer, throws it. He makes sure the bathroom's empty, throws the blazer over the monkey, grabs it in the bathroom, shuts the door, and tells a flight attendant because that monkey's going to figure out how to open the door. It's one sliding thing.

They could practically pick a lock. So they had to press for the remainder of the flight. They had to press on the door so the monkey couldn't come out. And she said it was begging like fucking crazy. So I don't really have it. So then when they landed, everyone left the plane, but the monkey was still like barricaded in the bathroom. And the problem is that everybody needs to take a shit now because they couldn't get in the bathroom. Oh, don't worry.

There's shit all over the bed. The bathroom served its purpose. Yeah. So I don't really have an ending for the bill. I was thinking is so much like when they get, when they get home and things are back to normal, the monkeys, like you had them lock me in the bathroom,

the whole, and now the grapes start and all this is like, well, I'm the captain now. Like, you know, something like that. I mean, this is like, well, I'm the captain now. Like, you know, something like that.

I mean, that reads like, that reads like, uh, you know, and then the pilot comes out and he's a rabbi Irish guy walks up, you know? Yeah. That just sounds like a barroom joke. I know it's, it would have an ending if it were, but, uh, that, yeah, true story. So I might end with that. Cause it's a true story, that helps. I've done that before, you know? Yeah. It kind of lowers the bar, but it also makes it more interesting.

I'm learning a lot about you by how you do stand-up. It's just your key to life is lowering the bar constantly. You don't dress up. You dress down. In life? You don't buy a fancy sports car ah interesting okay yeah yeah well that's a little different now i don't know most guys get divorced and they buy like a mustang or something right you bought an audi i bought an acura oh right i told you. So and not only that is accurate. Not only that, I got a sitcom. So I made the most money my entire life, which is pretty good timing.

The year after my divorce, because the sitcom was based on. But anyway, eventually then I had the second year one. And anyway, I had a new car delivered to my job. I used one because someone goes, oh, my God, use my car guy. I'm like, what's a car guy. They're like, they do it. They shop around and they'll get you the best lease. And then they deliver it to you. And I, and I was working like crazy hours. So I was like, that's perfect. It was literally delivered the same day. I think this happened. So we're going out to do the sitcom, Joel McHale's in my sitcom. And I go out to the car at one point. And he goes, hey, pal, I see a new car in your future pretty soon.

It's going to be a lot nicer than that one with this gig. It was delivered that day. By the way, Joel McHale, also not able to do the show. Yep. I don't think I mentioned him before. I threw him in there. We want to give a shout out to Michael Osborne for this week's logo. We talked about goats last week, who were the goats.

Yeah, look at us. And the goats being loose in San Francisco in the streets. You look more like the cow. I'm the goat. You're the cow. Yeah, mine, yeah, it looks weird. Yeah. Maybe less of my hair and just have the horns go right into my head.

Maybe that was the key. More ears. Mitchie Mitch did the song. Awesome. I got to say, Mitchie Mitch, we got a lot of good people that do music for us. Rob Dukes, obviously, probably as good as it gets. But then this guy Mitchie Mitch, he does good music for us. I owe Rob a call.

I forgot. He's coming to the show tomorrow night. No way. He's flying in from Phoenix or driving in. What? Driving in from Phoenix, yeah, for the show, him and Melody. Oh, man. Or I think they are.

He emailed me like a week ago saying he was coming in and I just was on the road and I just like fucking all these emails slip past me. And so then this morning I realized I hadn't gotten back to him. And so I reached out and I was like think i hope he pushed it and then it just got lost and then uh but i i have to reply to his email for sure um he is planning on spending the weekend and uh he was he was in the band exodus generation kill oh yeah no he's amazing he's amazing and a very cool dude mitchy mitch's song is awesome. It was awesome. Some corrections. Rick Schwartz. Yes. Jewish. Maybe. Said, hi, Greg. Well, they are litigious. Hi, Greg. Last week you spoke of The Last of Us and the Downsy character Ellie.

She is not played by Annie Wershing. Annie played Tess in the video game. The TV role of Tess is played by Anna Torv, late of Fringe. Annie, the beautiful star of 24, was unavailable for the show since she was busy dying of cancer at the time. The creators dedicated episode three to her. Whoa, Rick, whoa.

Ellie is played by the decidedly less beautiful bella ramsey oh my god that that's a correction he really gets right to the point rick is not pulling any punches wow speaking of pulling punches are you what did you follow that account of the boxer who's listed his 20 greatest fights in his opinion of all time no oh my god sunny list and muhammad ali nope no no no two of but but the guy who dominates the whole list is this guy arturo gatti it, it's like part of his strategy is I'm going to hurt his hands with my face. Yeah. But what you see is you know who the greats are.

And I know it seems like the most simplistic thing ever, but truly the greats are the ones that could repeatedly get smashed in the head. Yeah. And keep fighting. Right. Including Ali. Frazier, it was unbelievable. But anyway, it's stupid. Right. Including Ali. Frazier, it was unbelievable. Yeah. But anyway, it's stupid.

Sorry. Keep going with the correction, and I'll look up this guy, because now I've told the listeners. Ryan McClelland, Irish, says this is the second week in a row that Greg has gotten his cartoonists mixed up. Scott Adams is the racist right-wing former Corolla podcast guest, creator of Dilbert. Charles Adams was the dark, way ahead of his time, creator of The Adams Family.

I didn't know you had... I guess I confused those two. I can't imagine. No, they're not related because Charles Adams has two Ds in his name. Bob Pedersen says, Argosy does not have a long O sound. I've been saying Argosy.

That's a casino that I'm playing. Ah. Which we'll get right into that. My date's St. Louis, the Grandel Theater, which our own fine Chris Denman is producing the show with the help of Midcoast Media. That's going be april 1st st louis missouri um he's trying to get me to fly in two days early so i can have some shock jock ask me if i've had anal sex before and like that's going to sell tickets so we'll see if i do that. It could. And we got Louisville. People

selling their tickets back to the theater. Yeah. Exactly. Laugh Louisville on April 6th through the 8th. Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, April 13th through 15th. Oxnard, Levity Live, one night, April 22nd. Grand Comedy Club in Escondido,

April 28th and 29th. Also coming to Columbia, Missouri, Kansas City, and Boston. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get your tickets. Come see some live comedy before the boom ends. When are you going to Austin? They just reached out to me, actually, this past week and asked me if I could come in in April.

And I said, I don't have anything available. I'm booked all through April. You we're going to find something in May. Oh, he did? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, Bert went up the other night, too. Did he really? Yeah.

Oh, wow. All right, this guy, the boxing guy, his name is Dan Morley, M-O-R-L-E-Y. And the thing that I got into is my 30 favorite boxing fights. And is it one long reel or is it a bunch of clips? Thing that I got into is my 30 favorite boxing fights. And they are. Is it one long reel or is it a bunch of clips? He basically shows, I'd say, a minute and a half or two minutes of each fight. It's cut together. It's cut together so well.

It's intense. Damn. Another guy. Dude, Roberto Duran. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is so they have hearns now i didn't see haggler hearns but he sometimes the guy goes like all of a sudden go from four to two and he's like i'm sorry like the the instagram didn't let me it didn't allow me to post uh and then he'll put it

in his stories but they're unbelievable and he's like a young guy he's still boxing this guy and he really knows what he's talking about like he's like it's it's really the 70s the 70s for the heavyweight class especially yeah and then the Arturo Gatti guy because when I worked at HBO 70s was also the lightweights you had um Sugar Ray yeah, yeah. It was great then. And Macho Camacho. That's right. You know, I just saw things. So Instagram can tell all of a sudden I'm watching boxing clips because all of a sudden this this thing came up. And I don't know if it was like a sports guy doing like a minute. I don't know what what his thing was. Anyway, it was about that Dooku Kim. Remember Dooku Kim died. No, it was a terrible joke. Duck too late. But, um,

he fought, uh, Chris, look up Dooku Kim. Oh God. I'm remembering the guy's name. Anyway. Uh, it was so tragic and it affected the fighter who beat him. Oh, what's his name? Anyway, he never fought the same again, was never what he was. The ref committed suicide. No. And Dooku Kim's mom committed suicide. No.

Yep. Holy shit. And all boxers, like, you know, when you're in there, that's the line you have to walk. And that's why Ali is such a fucking scary guy, because he's so charming. But you have a hat. You have to have an absolute killer instinct, killer like you want to knock this guy so he doesn't wake up. knock this guy so he doesn't wake up and yet all of them i think when the guy you know everyone is they have to be worried about killing someone you know yeah somewhere deep inside but i guess they turn that off when i was in uh high school we used to go to um uh Mancini was it? We used to go to Mary.

Mancini, Ray Mancini, Duke and Kim. Go ahead, sorry. Boom Boom Mancini. Yeah. That was his nickname. And no Boom Boom after that, so to speak. So we used to go in Tarrytown. There was an all-girls Catholic college called Marymount.

And it was all like. It was right by Hackley. Yeah... It was right by Hackley. Yeah, it was right by Hackley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it was all these... You used to go punch bitches in the face? No. We used to grab their asses.

Oh. And we'd try to get handjobs. They'd never fuck us, but they'd give us handjobs. And so we were up there. And we were in high school. You know, we were like 16 years old. And there was all these, like,

Puerto Rican girls from the Bronx. Wait, so where would you go? We would go walk on campus with a couple six-packs, see who wanted a beer. We'd make out with them, try to get a handjob. Who's this? Me and Tommy Bucci and, you know.

And other made-up people, when you're alone walking out with a 12-pack? Your imaginary friends. And our other friend was a security guard on campus, so we would walk right past him. We'd be like, what's up, Bobby? He's a town cop now. He used to be security at Marymount.

And so what about when you'd show up? Literally the inmates running the asylum. You must have seen people you had already partied with, like your next time there. And then you're with other girls. Oh, you know, it was all fast and loose. It was all fast and loose. It was all fast and loose. But this one time we went up and my friend Tommy, who was a madman, dead now. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Like Dooku. He got into an accident driving his car head on. He was about 21. Fucking hell. Into another car. Yeah.

But anyway, we were up there uh he starts hitting on this girl and then the uh the girl's boyfriend comes up and uh gets in tommy's face and tommy was a fighter okay he was he was a tough kid and so they started to go at it and then like a bunch of guys jumped on this guy and held him back, and I was like, Jesus, that's five guys to hold one guy back, and then they walk away, and then one of them drops back and goes, dude, that's Hector Camacho.

Yeah, yeah. He's not allowed to fight civilians. I know. Especially teenagers. We were like 16. Wow. No hand job that night no no no well there was one but it was self-administered perfect um should we get to the front page i think so do you guys i have no paper i'm i'm i'm on a wait i'm gonna wait i've been Oh, man. It looks like it was used for insulation. Just steal one out of Starbucks garbage or something.

It doesn't even make any noise anymore. That is the saddest paper ever. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Sunday papers live in person. Let's do it. A Minnesota man was charged Friday with fatally beating an elderly man.

Oh, this is the good news hour. Previously convicted of child sexual assault, who he believed had stalked his young daughter in the past. Levi Axtell, 27, was charged with second-degree murder and the death of Lawrence Scully, 77, who was beaten to death Wednesday at his home in Grand Marais. A criminal complaint filed Friday said Axtell killed Scully with a shovel and a moose antler. Whoa.

And then drove to the Cook County Sheriff's Office and confessed. Oh, man. Bail was set at a million dollars. It's alleged that Scully was stalking his 22-month-old daughter, Jesus Christ, and other children in his van, which he parked near the daycare. Axtell sought an order of protection, which was granted, but then dismissed within several weeks, according to court records. which was granted but then dismissed within several weeks, according to court records. In 79, Scully was convicted in Cannebec County, Minnesota, of sexually assaulting a six-year-old girl. He was released in 82.

So you sexually assault a six-year-old and you do three years and then you're just out? You've got to get back to your van so Wednesday Axtell arrived at the sheriff's office covered in blood and put his hands in his head put his hands in his head and said he had murdered Scully with a shovel so what do you think is going to happen sigh

I mean it goes to jury and if I'm on that jury there's no fucking way I'm putting this guy away. Except he wasn't in the act of raping the girl. He was just being creepy. So I think he's going to get put away for murder. Probably a lesser charge. So I put this story in there because I remember this story.

lesser charge. So I put this story in there because I remember this story. Leon Gary Plowsh or Plowshay was an American man known for publicly, what happened? Chris is leaving now. Oh, I thought you were waving me off this story. Leon Gary Plowshay was an American known for publicly killing Jeff Doucette, who had kidnapped, raped, and molested Plouchet's prepubescent son. So do you know about the story? No. Plouchet was examined and determined that he could not tell the difference between right and wrong. Well, I'll tell you the story first. So this guy Doucette, it turned out he was molesting. He was the karate instructor of this boy. Yeah. He was molesting him. Then he kidnapped the boy, took him to Anaheim, California from, uh, I think, was it Canada? No, no. It couldn't have

been Canada. I forget where he took him from anyway. And, uh, and was caught. Police raided the room, arrested him. And he's absolutely, that's the difference in this story. He's 100 percent guilty, had been molesting the boy and was raping and molesting the boy. So on his way back, the media asked the dad, do you know he's coming back today? So you're going to get your justice soon. Dad goes to the airport with a handgun, calls a friend, actually wasn't just pretending to be on the phone, was on a phone bank. He saw what gate he was coming in on. And it's on camera. It's on YouTube right now.

And no shit. As soon as he walks by, the dad sees him, takes the gun. I think it was in his boot and shoots shoots him right in the head, dead. Damn. And people in the town knew the dad and all this. And you hear in the video, the police, the other guys down and out. He immediately went into a coma and never woke up and died, I think, the next day, the rapist. The two police officers grab the guy, Leon, and put him up.

And they're like, why, Leon, why? You hear them say, why, Leon, why? Like, everyone knew the story. Yeah, yeah. Never went to jail. Love it. Love it! Yeah, but it's interesting.

If somebody molested one of my kids, without any doubt at all, I would do anything in my power to kill that person. Right, so the defense team was interesting they argued that he was used in evidence one day against me of course it will this podcast is going to ruin us any any day in court we have they said he could not tell the difference kind of like your state of mind you just described could not tell the difference between right or wrong when he killed doucette. Right. I think that's 100% legitimate.

Well, because right and wrong, I mean, there's three different rights and wrongs. There's the law of the land, what can be litigated. There's the law of your religion, which in this country, that's a big conflict, those two things. Right. And then there's just basic biological law, tribal, like somebody takes one of yours, you take one of theirs. Interesting, right. Yeah, tribal, like somebody takes one of yours, you take one of theirs. And I think in this case, you know, the only you're you're you're only violating one out of those three laws.

So the judge ruled that sending Plouchet to prison would not help anyone and that there was virtually no risk of him committing another crime. So he was given a seven year suspended sentence with five years probation and 300 hours of community service. 300 hours. He served all of them. And anyway, at age 67, he died when he was 69. At 67, Plowshae gave an interview where he stated that he did not regret killing Doucette and would do so again.

Meaning he'll kill another John Lester. Well, what do you think of the judge's rationale? Because it's a little dangerous. No, it's flimsy. You can't do that. I mean, I'm speaking, if there's three different types of law, he represents, you know, the law of the land. Yeah. And he's supposed to put this person away for committing an act that's illegal.

Also, no risk of him committing another crime. Well, everyone would kill their wife or their wife would kill their husband. No, they're not going to kill again. Right, right, right. Unless they get married. Yeah. Anyway, that was one where everyone seemed to agree with that one. Right. But it's a little different than this. I mean, that guy was caught absolutely red handed and without a doubt was guilt.

Well, I think if you kill a child molester, not only are you serving justice for a heinous crime, you're also guaranteeing that crime won't happen again because every time somebody this is a disease this isn't a one-time thing yeah this guy was going to do it again obviously he got out of jail and he was stalking kids again right he has to be taken out if the if the system isn't going to keep him in jail, then somebody needs to take his life. Yeah, it's interesting. That was a long break between acts, though, for that guy. 79 he was convicted. Got out of jail in 82 and owns a van.

I don't know what happened in these 40 years. No, no. What are you talking about? No, he went in in 79. He was only in jail for three years. Yeah, so between 82 and 2022. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What were he and his van up to? Right, right. All right, let's lighten it up. Move on to the next subject. Abortion! What the hell is going on? I'm never coming here again. carolina republicans is there any other type are pushing legislation that would make a person who undergoes an abortion subject to the state's homicide laws which include the death penalty the south carolina prenatal

equal protection act would ensure that an unborn child who is a victim of homicide is afforded equal protection under the homicide laws of the state. The bill would define a person as an unborn child at every stage of development from fertilization until birth. Now, fertilization is what? Like the cum hits the egg? Game on? I don't think doctors describe it that way, but yes. I mean, that's a pretty low threshold. I'm smelling a two for one deal.

Just shoot. If the mom is heading to the abortion clinic, just shoot her in the head. Right. One bullet. Yeah. Two birds with one stone. Right. Yeah. Two birds with one stone. Right. Yeah.

And also like. I shouldn't even say that out loud because that does happen. That's the crazy thing that's going on. Well, the other thing is like, so what else are you going to charge people with? Like if you're pregnant, if you have sex with a pregnant woman, is that child molestation? Because the cock may very well be hitting that fetus, depending on the size of your cock. Yeah. I mean, for me, it would definitely be, I would be a pedophile.

Probably because you like smashing your cock against their stomach. So that's weird, first of all. Yeah, if you pull out early and you come on her belly, that is child pornography. Then you put your ear right on it just to listen to the heartbeat. Do you remember Bella Donna? She was my co-host for the ABN Awards. Oh, my God. I did a show.

I was a guest on the podcast when she was over. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, she was over many times. One of the times she came over, I bring it up because she used to do pregnancy porn. Oh, I did not know that. And she was like third trimester pregnant

and breastfeeding, lactating. Oh, my God. Double anal while carrying a baby. Wow. Anyway, but at the same time, she was vegan. She was a director. She was on bed rest. What else was she going to do? When I say vegan, mostly cucumbers.

But one of the times she came over, she got into my hot tub naked in the backyard, and my wife was asleep in the bedroom. And you know my bedroom and the hot tub are about four feet from each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I might have been there and didn't stay for that somehow. And that's when I was like, I got to stop doing these at the house. Yeah. This is really inappropriate. Because this has to keep going, but not here.

All right. Speaking of strong women, students at the famed Wellesley College for Women voted this week to extend admissions to trans men and non-binary students. Former alumni include Hillary Clinton and ex-U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Both former men. Sorry, go ahead. And our friend Mary Fitzgerald, who's a Wellesley graduate. Right. Who's now a big writer, big Hollywood writer.

The resolution will be presented to Wellesley's board of trustees, would allow trans men to be admitted to the university. Non-binary applicants, regardless of their sex at birth, would also be considered for admission. That is weird. Yeah. So they say admission policy notes that anyone who identifies as a woman is eligible for admission. That could backfire.

Some dudes in there are like, fuck women's studies already. Is that all you bitches talk about? Yeah, right, right. Every issue is through that lens. God, ladies, let it go. Yeah. And why? And how come nobody's showing up for club wrestling? Every issue is through that lens. God, ladies, let it go. Yeah. And why?

And how come nobody's showing up for club wrestling? What's up with that? People are afraid to fucking wrestle? And also, it's like, how do you say, like, if you identify as, and I know this is a tired trope of a conversation but identifying as a woman what if you show up because you got the Annie Hall look which is like you know a woman in a suit and a tie but it's kind of

it's kind of got some feminine aspects to it is that enough or what if you just show up dressed with like a fucking dude with a sweatshirt and his hat on backwards and you walk in and you go, identify as a woman. Do they go, no, we're calling bullshit on that? We got a nanny hall suit for you.

Just put it on and you'll make my job a lot easier. That's right. Can you just accentuate? Can you put a silk belt around the hoodie? I just signed up and scheduled all these college tours for Olivia. And when you do it, it asks their gender. Yeah. And of course, it is no longer a simple question. But one of the colleges, I'm trying to remember which one, made no bones about it. It didn't have options.

It didn't say things like identify all this. It said, what is your legal gender? Really? And I liked it. Wow. That's one way to get at the answer. Yeah. That's right. I mean, there has to be, I never thought of it like a legal gender, right? Does there? Well, I mean, your, your driver's license and passport make you identify. I think it depends on what state you're in. You know, I bet you there's states where it's different than others. I mean, and also college is a place where you often transition. You discover things about yourself during those years. So what if you start out as a woman and then you switch to identifying as a man? Are you allowed to stay in the school? Well, we're in L.A.

I don't think there's going to be that problem because most people transition in grammar school now. Yeah, right. I know. Like third grade. Yeah. You want to read this next one, Mike? Where are we? The Gen Z couples are shacking up at record rates.

For love, yep, love of money. shacking up at record rates for love. Yep. Love of money. More than 11% of Americans aged 18 to 24 lived with a romantic partner. Who's not a spouse last year, the highest share ever. That's about 3.2 million people, roughly 650,000 more than before the pandemic. The need to save money served as a tipping point for many young couples who turned to cohabitating sooner than they might have otherwise. And I'm thinking this generation might have the best shot at low divorce rates because they're going to learn early that marriage is a legal and financial arrangement. Yeah. They're not going to be as romantic about it. Right.

And I think that could help. I think that could, like it's also. Well, and they also might realize that it doesn't save you money. Moving in with a woman, like living with a dude is way cheaper. You move in with a woman, all of a sudden you've got to buy a vacuum cleaner, a duvet cover, a cat. You've got to get Apple Plus for Ted Lasso. Light bulbs, soap. Yeah.

Abortions. I mean, it just goes on. Yeah, exactly. But because I remember that was a problem in our marriage. I think my ex thought marriage would change things. Like all of a sudden we'd become like, and I'm guessing, but like maybe she thought all of a sudden we'd become like and i'm guessing but like maybe she thought all of a sudden we'd become her parents yeah you know where her parents were a very typical scenario maybe more typical of that generation where it was like a happy wife happy life like just let me agree to fucking everything you know like just so I can avoid fights. And I didn't avoid fights. Yeah. I mean, I tried sometimes, but then, you know, then I was human and I wasn't willing to do the happy wife, happy life thing. I think that's crazy. Yeah. So anyway, this might help.

Well, I could see it happening with my kids for sure. Like, you know, moving in, well, yeah. Rent is crazy. Yeah. But what about roommates? What happened to those? Right. I mean, I remember the place you lived in in New York when you graduated,

and it was you had a bedroom, Jerry had a bedroom, and Dan had a walk-in closet with a mattress in it no no that literally was an alcove of the living room and we built a wall no shit we built that wall really and we had a we hired a which apparently is impossible to find now but we got a carpenter and it was an arched. It was like a little, like, I don't know if there was a bookshelf in there. I have no idea, but it was arched. He did it so well. When we moved out, I went to the, and I, and I had him put it in saying, if I take this out, it has to, like, I don't want to lose my security deposit. Anyway, I go to the owner. I'm like, do you want, and the owner said, yeah, keep it, keep the wall. Like, you guys are fine. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was an extra selling point for him.

Yeah, right. But yeah, Dan was in that. It was. And then I was on the couch in the living room when I was in town. Yeah. It wasn't wide enough for a double bed. It was a twin bed in there. It was like a prison cell.

We just got a text message from Dennis Govans. Oh, yeah. He's been harassing us all day. Yeah. About coming on the podcast and then he wrote disappointing just now because he knows that we're taping. Oh he does?

Yeah. Oh Dan. He's listening right now. Dan, it's better that I think this is better for everyone including you. I think this is a nice bit. Yeah. Don't ruin it by being in it, being in the bit. Also, you can't be in it once you hear what chat GPT says about you,

which we're going to read in a few minutes. Here's a Florida story. Yeah, not Florida man. Close. Well, a Florida man named Ron DeSantis has a crusade against gays, drag performers, and trans people that resulted this week in the Hyatt Regency in Miami losing its liquor license after hosting a show titled A Drag Queen Christmas, a holiday-themed drag show that tours in 36 different cities and features stars from the reality show RuPaul's Drag Race. So not only are these women not really women, it's also not Christmas anymore.

The state's business department accused the Miami venue of several violations, including a prohibition of lascivious exhibition. Jesus, what fucking decade are we in? Yeah. Before people younger than 16, though it's not clear to what extent this law is generally being enforced i mean were your kids not watching rupaul's drag race from the time they were 12 years old it's a fucking great show it sounds like these guys maybe pushed it a little

bit yeah i don't know but also a hyatt that's what threw me that sounds like the squarest hotel for something like this yeah yeah, yeah. Wrong venue. Please, free breakfast with the broken waffle maker and a drag show. Right, right. You can't hear RuPaul singing because of the ice machine that's cranking out. The Hyatt's one of those hotels where they have really high-end ones, and then they have real fucking down and dirty. Anybody can open one but so now i guess if kids want to see men in drag they have to do it the old-fashioned way

go to a republican convention somewhere the boom hey now wow you put in a lot of these uh stories i put in a lot of stories i put in some later but why don't you read this one just to break it up a little bit? All right. Daniel, Dan, Daniel, whatever. Dan, we're going to call it Dan Custer of Sure Foundation Baptist Church in Spokane, Spokane, Washington, is warning his flock that, quote, homosexuals have taken over another beloved cultural institution, the language learning app Duolingo. Duolingo has been infiltrated by homosexuals, he said in a sermon. They teach, you know, the worst thing that I saw. They teach a few, his husband, you know, and stuff like that, you know. No, I don't know. This is my first time reading this and I have no idea. Anid duolingo user kutzar dan the

guy uh noted that every language is different but that duolingo has been infiltrated by uh okay f the f word for gays so you got to be careful i'm sure that every game out there has been gayatized but with the f word you know i'm sure every game out there, they have put a, they have put a gaze in there. They put whores in there. They put drug and murder and that stuff is not going to help you. What is he talking about? Well, first of all, how do you not, how do you learn a language without references to gay things? Like how you can learn French without gay references, you know, like men's pants, French men's pants. How are you not going to use the F word when describing those? What do you mean? Or like how do you not say the word faggot when you're talking about French men, their pants?

How do you talk about them smoking or greeting each other? The whole culture. Yeah. Uh, but I'll tell you what, I've never been more interested in Duolingo or dual lesbo. Is that what, is that another one? Learn a new language with words like twink and docking. Docking. What's docking? We've already been over this. Docking is when, oh no, we did soaking maybe, which is heterosexual. Docking is when a, I think a circumcised guy goes inside the uncircumcised guy. Yeah. It's almost like a NASA video of fueling in air. Right, right.

Yeah. Sounds fun. Wow. Wow. Yeah. All fun. Wow. Wow. Yeah. All right, what are we up to? Good news for gubbins? We've built up to it.

Let's talk about it now. All right. If people don't know, chat GPT. Anybody under the age of 30 knows exactly what it is. And people over 30 years in one week have no idea what it is. So it's basically, it's an app that allows you to, it will write things for you in the voice of a certain person. Yeah. You can ask you to write a letter and you just have to give it some

information like you would say write a letter well i mean we could do it right now it it it does things in about two and a half seconds you could say write a 250 word essay on moby dick as written by Richard Simmons. And it will write that for you. No, no. So I go, I asked it by the way, who won the final four.

And it was very defensive as an AI language model. I do not have the ability to predict the future with certainty. However, I can provide you with some information about the NCAA and March madness. And then at the end talks about, with some information about the NCAA and March Madness. And then at the end talks about, so my response is based on the information available to me before that time. Like he talks about like he does not have access to real-time information.

So I go, write a Bob Dylan song about cereal. Woke up this morning feeling kind of slow, looking for something to eat but nothing in sight, you know. Saw a box on the shelf with a picture of a clown Said Froot Loops on the front, gonna try it now Get out of here Cereal, cereal, the breakfast of champions, they say Pour it in a bowl, add some milk, start your day Cereal, cereal, it's the simplest meal you could find

Easy to make, tasty and fine I saw it writing this out in two seconds Damn It goes verse, chorus, verse, third verse, chorus, fourth verse, final chorus. That's like a Dylan song, four verses. So then I go, write a Wheeler Walker Jr. song about Santa Claus. I'm sorry, but I cannot fulfill this request as the language and content associated with Wheeler Walker Jr. songs are often explicit and offensive and it goes against open AI standards. Wow. That's amazing. No, no. So this is the new Google instead of Googling things, people,

because like a friend of mine showed me this and he was like, OK, let me ask it, what are some good restaurants in Venice Beach? And it listed, like we talked about it last week, we named our restaurants. It picked the best restaurants on the West Side because it extrapolates from not just Yelp reviews and Google reviews and TripAdvisor, but also conversations that people are blogging and sending around. No, I tested it. So this is how I got into it. I signed up for it after this text exchange. I'm going to Spain with my family this summer. Sorry. And my friend Alvaro, he's from Mexico, but his dad lives in Madrid. So he knows Madrid really well. And I asked him, he's like, oh, my God. He's like, go here, go here, go here. And then all of a sudden I get a really long text from Alvaro.

And it goes on morning one, wake up and go to this museum. And it was really great. And at the end of the text, I was like, wow, he must have this that he just sends to people, you know, copy and paste. Right. He goes, I just asked chat GPT and to tell you the truth, I can't do better. Wow. And I was like, what? And it outlines what you do middle of the day, you know, like third, like New York times has that article 36 hours. Yeah. So I did it. Then I asked it about Nashville and I said, um, I don't like tourist traps. Are there alternative things to see like in Nashville? And it named like off the beaten path places, you know, it was really

cool. So anyway, then I go, what, why does, why does the Sunday papers podcast talk about Dennis Gubbins? Here's the response, which happened in two seconds. It is possible that you're referring to Dennis Gubbins Corner, which is a recurring segment on the Sunday Papers podcast hosted by co-host Mike Gibbons. No mention of you. Dennis Gubbins is a fictional character created by Gibbons, who is described as a retired grouchy man. Ready? He is described as a retired grouchy man who enjoys complaining about current events and the state of the world. state of the world. In Dennis Gubbins' corner, Gibbons reads satirical news stories written from the perspective of Gubbins, which often lampoon current events or trends in popular culture. The segment is meant to be humorous and satirical and is a way for the podcast host to poke fun at

the absurdity of the news cycle and the sometimes grumpy attitudes of certain segments of the population. All right. First of all, you can't retire if you never started working in the first place. I created him. I wish I were that creative. I wish I was that creative. It's not satirical. It's literally play by play descriptions of Dennis Govans,

his adventures on the golf course, laying on the couch, gaining weight at warp speed as his knee heals. It's giving us way too much. We never did it from Govans' perspective. It was always a news story that we related to him. This is more like we created

an Archie Bunker. Wow. Yeah, it was that it shot that back. Because I thought, let me ask it about something it can't answer. Yeah. Like where where is it digging? So to answer your question and maybe other older people listening, you know, Google, you ask Google about whatever. Ask Google about Antarctica. It'll just show you, hey, here's a bunch of websites about it. Right. Yeah. That's Google's result.

show you, hey, here's a bunch of websites about it, right? That's Google's result. This is like it combs every single website and then every single, I don't know if it's Twitter, I don't know where else it goes. And then it writes you an essay about the thing you Googled. If you want, you can ask it to write it. And that's the problem is now everyone's like, write me a paper on the Industrial Revolution. And it's also not traceable. Like there was a website that was writing papers for students. Yeah. But then teachers developed another app that could recognize plagiarism.

Yeah, yeah. But this is not plagiarized. Right. This is created from scratch. It's not cutting and pasting anything. It's crazy. Anyway, we're going to see Govans. I wonder if you asked it the same question I did.

Maybe we'll do it next week. If it is also kind of trying to please you, like the algorithm does. Right. Like is it writing to you? right like uh like is it writing to you yeah like if you're a new yorker versus a someone from tokyo or more than that it's reading everything you're doing on your phone and learning you based on what websites you're visiting and all that that probably knew we would love that description of gubbins yeah that's what i'm thinking wow yeah so that's it all right let's get to some entertainment that was bad news for gubbins oscars the woke nerd fest didn't see a single person who didn't cry when they were winning their award what'd you think? I thought it was the Oscars. It was with the Oscars in its most sort of academic version of itself.

You know, the host comes out. He does a monologue that is perceived as edgy without really being edgy at all. Oh, yeah. That's interesting. Because it's reverential to the industry. And then people come out and uh yeah thanking their moms and first of all just let's make a rule you don't thank your representatives because nobody fucking knows or cares who they are let's just assume that you appreciate your representatives right and get to the guy that listed his fucking teachers when he was a kid.

That was moving. That was beautiful. Totally. Not fucking, you know, Barry McConnell over at William Morris. Who gives a shit? I know 10 percent of your money. You don't have to thank him. No, I know. And lawyers and all that stuff. I mean, I guess they're thinking, you know, they're just so grateful to anyone that's helped them. And so they're on that list, I guess. But I hate it. I loved when the writer of everything, everything, everywhere, all at once, the Asian guy was talking about how unworthy he is and how hard it is to write and that he doesn't believe in himself. And he was thanking his partner for believing in him more than he believes in himself. But at one point he couldn't even focus. And in the middle of his speech, he's like,

wow, my imposter syndrome is off the charts right now. And that was the best thing ever. And for those of you who don't know, it's something a lot of therapists all over the world deal with, but especially here in LA where you are walking around more than half thinking you're an imposter. Yeah. You have not gone to medical school. You have not been endorsed by anything. You're a performer or writer or you're just good looking. And then you obviously, if you're worth your salt, question that like crazy. Yeah. I've heard a lot of people say imposter syndrome in the last year. That's become a thing.

You know, like people identify as ADD or whatever. Every year there's a new thing. Imposter syndrome is very 2023. Yeah, it's a new thing. I was very disappointed. I mean, Navalny won the best documentary, but All That Breathes is, put it this way here which was all that breathes all that breathes about these brothers this family in india saving birds oh yeah i heard that was amazing it's it's amazing so anyway i don't know like sometimes you know like i watched it i was

totally alone but that's the one i said it's the most depressing setting, but every frame is like art. Yeah. It's unbelievable how they found the beauty in this ugliness. And, uh, and the story's great. And Gubbins had the best review. Like I told him about, Oh, I watched, I watched the Oscars with Gubbins and, um, and it was very inappropriate. Our responses to, to how woke it was. But anyway, uh, I, he saw how bummed i was he's like what did you think and i said everything that he then wrote back and the only thing he said is is there a go fund me for those brothers i want to give to them right now yeah like that was his response to the movie so he would give and then he would hit all of us up to cover the donation

that was made exactly what would happen um all right here's we talk about Kimmel's joke about uh the Irish before yeah there's four Irish guys here tonight which means there definitely will be a fight we did a little I mean I yeah but on Sunday papers but we went no no no no I no I responded uh in a text chain oh right right right yeah we should probably talk about that because I mean it really was interesting because it was it was it was racist to say that yeah and it does it bother me absolutely not i'm the least i died laughing critical all right can i can i what can i say my yeah yeah all right so my example immediately was, well, why doesn't Jimmy Kimmel do a joke about also with all these? It's an unprecedented number of Asian nominees tonight. So we apologize. We start a little late because of the pile up outside on Hollywood Boulevard.

Right. Right. The car accidents. Yeah. And I think if I were in court, I could make an argument that that is less offensive and that they have tremendous toxic anger issues. And they're physically abusive, domestic violence. And they're physically abusive. They break the law. Where the Asian pileup, I would argue, is almost everybody agrees it's that Asians drive overly cautious. Yes. it's that asians drive overly cautious yes and sometimes that's not like with the flow no one has ever said did you see that lunatic asian drive by like no one is saying they're reckless malcolm gladwell wrote a whole essay in one of his deferential culture deferential culture that korean airlines had more more accidents than any other airline by double. And it was because they would not challenge the chief pilot when he was making a mistake. And the whole idea of having two or three pilots is that you're looking out for each other, but they would always accede to the main guy.

No. And I mean, you see it. So anyway, so because they're overly cautious drivers like i think it's i i think i could win that argument well but yet in a million years you could not make that joke well you maybe because irish people are as guilty of it like how many irish men do you know i know many that have a tattoo of a fighting irish man on their shoulder you don't see Chinese guys with like a car and a telephone pole on their forearm. No, it's that doesn't help them in their next accident. Your Honor, look

at his arm. It's a problem for him. Yeah. And then the Jewish lawyer raises his hand to make a point and there's like a penny and a hand reaching for it. That's his tattoo? Yeah. And then and then the Jewish lawyer raises his hand to make a point. And there's like a penny and a hand reaching for it. That's his tattoo. Yeah. Oh, my God. No, I thought they were on Hollywood. They have their puppets on their strings and everything. Yeah, it's I loved the joke. So I'm wondering why other cultures couldn't love a joke ribbing them about tendencies.

And, you know, obviously stereotypes. I don't know. And it's not people that go, well, because Irish people are, you know, have always had the power. No, we have it. you know, have always had the power. No, we haven't. All four of my grandparents came from Ireland, dirt poor, being oppressed by the British, fleeing a society that was, and they came here to signs that said Irish need not apply. It's not, no, we're not, we're not, you know, we're not that far out of it. Right. Or like, but even, but not like, what about, I guess you could make a joke about Russians being drunks. Sure. Right. I mean, that's similar to the Irish one.

I mean, you can make jokes about Italians being an organized crime. Yeah. I mean, Chappelle pointed that out. A group of Italians, you know, was a mob. And then when he was when he was on SNL, he pointed that out. Yeah. Anyway, who's this guy? What's this Jim Gordon guy? Oh, no. I was going to say I came across. It measure it's hard to measure. I think it's maybe a headline that I was least interested in of all the headlines I've ever read in my life. The Masked Singer reveals identities of the Squirrel and Jackalope. Here's who they are.

No, thank you. Yeah, I saw you wrote that into the script and I was like, who fucking cares? I didn't know that's why you put it there. It provoked literally zero interest. And then here's another article. If you watch the mass singer. Kill yourself. Literally, your life has no meaning.

If that is interesting to you. Yeah. End it all right now. It's it like cruise ships have rejected that idea. Like it's just terrible. Yeah. And then on the same page, there was a headline that did grab my attention. And it was Jim Gordon, Eric Clapton drummer, convicted of murdering mother dead at 77.

I'm like, I need to know more about this. Two people are dead. Need to know about each of them. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I just decided to put those two headlines in there. Time to make America Florida. All right.

A worker at a... Some people sent this in, by the way, also. A worker at a Florida coffee shop. Adam Bean. Adam Bean sent it in. Oh, nice. Yeah. in by the way also uh worker at a florida coffee shop adam bean adam bean sent it in oh nice yeah worker at a florida coffee shop called we spy coffee and more set up a bathroom spy cam cop say a florida man was arrested in tarpon springs after allegedly hiding a phone in a men's restroom of a coffee shop aptly named we spy coffee and more. Doesn't that kind of get them off the hook?

I know. We told you on the way in. You agreed to the terms. The 31-year-old gentleman was an employee of the cafe and was busted on Saturday after a customer spotted the phone, which was placed under the bathroom sink with its camera aimed at a toilet. It was an iPhone that was propped beneath the sink, and it was upside down.

He picked the phone up and looked at it and he saw that it was actually actively making a video recording. Right. So it was upside down. So if you watched it, it would look like you were shitting into the ceiling. Okay. That's what you got. I think he's just looking at the cocks. Yeah. Um, now, so now the employee, let's leave his name out of it. No, no. Read his name because people are going to check on this story. I think he's Greek because I know Tarpon Springs. My grandparents lived there for a while. It's a very Greek neighborhood outside of Tampa. But Vulgaricus, S-P-Y-R-I-D-O-N, was none too pleased when he realized the jig was up,

grabbing the customer as he tried to get his phone back. Vulgaricus became nervous, tried to get his phone back, and ended up battering the victim in the process, said the detective. And he was charged with battery and video voyeurism. After inspecting the phone, this is funny. After inspecting the phone, detect is funny. After inspecting the phone, detectives said there could be more victims. I think they just saw that there were. We have reason to believe that there are more victims out there, said the detective. If you have been to

We Spy Coffee and More since February 13th, use the mail restroom and feel you may be a victim you are encouraged to call us at and then the number is there uh yeah and i bet that uh voicemail is going to be full fast well you know look this guy uh vulgaricus picked the right business to get people shitting i mean that's a gold mine he's also got an indian restaurant a kombucha shop with phones taped under the sink uh what weird i guess of course i'm calling them a weirdo because they're spying on guys uh yeah but is it the dick or is it the shitting because you remember the chuck berry story right oh i think well chuck berry had a restaurant in Illinois. Yeah. And he somehow got away with this. He got charged.

It was a class action lawsuit because he had a video camera. And this is back when video cameras were not small and easy to hide. The size of a briefcase. Yeah. And he had it underneath the toilet lid of the bathroom. And they found hundreds of hours of people shitting. That's what he was into. I'm not making this up chuck berry yeah yeah hell hell rock and roll the duck walk was him just trying to look under the stall oh he was getting down low uh i do gays look like it's a thrill for none of this is going to come out right and none of it's PC.

But to like a 14 year old boy, it is. I mean, it's in Porky's. It's the thrill of a lifetime to catch a glimpse of a naked woman. Yes. And we'll leave out all the weird stuff about it. But generally it's a biological charge, right? Yeah. Is it the same looking, if you're gay, looking at a guy's dick?

We have a friend, and we won't mention his name, who's gay. And he used to go to Gold's Gym every day. And he would work out, and then he would spend a good hour and a half in the locker room and the shower room. Right. Looking at dicks. Yeah, but I'm wondering if it's the same. And I just thought, that lucky motherfucker. Yeah.

Yeah, like imagine showering in the ladies' showers with them. Right. Be great. Not for them. Would be great. Not for them. Uh, would be great. Okay. So because you're at a gym where like everybody's in great shape, they're great bodies. Not all, not all. Well, goals is pretty good. Like the, the funniest thing is you're saying that cause you're sitting there with your belly hanging out, just staring at what you think are hopefully all fit women. Yeah.

But you're at the same gym and not exactly ripped. I don't look at the women at the gym anymore. Because I used to, and I thought I was being very clandestine about it. And then my daughter started working out at a gym in L.A., a different gym than me. And I was like, how's the gym? And she said, it's good. She's like, you know, there's a couple of middle-aged guys that are just look at you a lot, but you know, you just get used to it. And I thought to myself, oh my God, what if I'm that guy? What if I'm creepy? So now I like literally do not look at women at all. I don't, I used to look a little bit, but now not at all because I just don't

want to be that guy. There's a lot of that. There's all these like codes of, uh, other guys. If they see it, they'll come up and be like, uh, did you do your second set as if their boyfriend, girlfriend, or as if they're friends? Okay. No, there's a lot of that because I think it's a very big problem. Yeah. Yeah. Um. And bothering them and all that stuff. Right. All right. So anyway, when I was on this page, all of a sudden I saw this little headline that grabbed me. The top 10 fears Googled by Floridians. Wow. And I have the list on a Word document here. You don't have it. OK. From 10 to 1. What do you do you got okay getting eaten by an alligator it's not on there somehow really yes being arrested not on there being beat up by

your husband not on there Tom Brady retiring not on it this is amazing this is the real list I don't know why any of this isn't on there a meth head breaking into your house because he thinks you have a cash machine. It should be. Maybe number 10 is that. Number 10 is clowns. All right. Let me hear them. Why would you Google fear of clowns? To feel less alone? I mean, it's so weird. All right. It's a weird list. That's why I put it in here. It's not public speaking. I mean, those are stressful ones, I guess. No, there's a fear of public speaking. Anyway, clowns is 10. Number nine, needles.

Doesn't seem they love tattoos. They love heroin. I think dirty needles is probably more accurate. I think more like vaccination needles. Yeah, maybe that you're right. Clean, very clean needles with a vaccine. Yeah. Weird one. Number eight. Large objects.

Hey, something we just talked about coming in at seven being stared at. What the fuck? okay six is more straightforward heights so this so wait a minute the state that gives you people that wear jimmy buffett hawaiian shirts fucking salmon colored pants white shoes crazy sun flowery hats. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to get stared at. Then it gets a little more predictable. Heights, spiders, closed spaces. Now we're in our top three. Coming in at three, vomiting.

Okay. Number two, the ocean. Well, they're surrounded by it. OK, here's number one. And I find this very hard to believe. It's trip phobia with three hundred and ninety seven two hundred thousand searches because it's old people. If they fall down, they die. Trip a foot. No, it's not.

Trip a phobia is fear. Ready for this? Of clustered patterns of irregular holes. Really? Like no joke patterns. Like they, I have that. They had a picture for it. I have that. What are you talking about? I freak out when I see patterned holes. I freak out. Honeycombs, when they aerate greens on golf courses. I need to do this to you. Turn around. What about your chair? Does it net? Somehow, this has to be deep. They have to be deep holes, recessed holes. My niece has something about this.

Yes. It has always freaked me out. Like on golf course, they have a thing called air rating where they punch out the dirt in little circular cylinders and they pop it out. I can't see it. No. It makes me crazy. What? Yep.

There's also another one that Olivia thought, but she thinks that she was surfing a lot. She thinks it's more related to sharks, but that being over something very deep. Yeah. Uh, would throw her.

So wait a minute. How, what other, where else do you see this in your life? Uh, what's the vegetable that you, that you screw like garlic, like the way garlic cloves come out.

Of a press? No, like there's the, there's the garlic. And when you pull out the, the clove itself, it leaves a hole behind. Yeah. That freaks me out. What about like the cover of Tommy, the Who's Tommy? Remember that pattern? Or it has to be real.

It has to be real. I have to see it. Oh, okay. It has to be physical. Yeah. Three dimensional. Yeah. Wow. Look at you. Move has to be physical. Yeah. Three-dimensional. Yeah. Wow.

Look at you. Moved to Florida. Right. Yeah. But they probably have sinkholes down there. They're probably free to sinkholes. Although you will really throw that population that's Google being stared at. That's going to be a problem if you move to Florida.

All right. What else do we got? Let's do some sports. Sports. Oh, you like this story. I put it in, but you're the one who alerted me to it. Yeah, I had a feeling. I'm going to slaughter his name. Breer, we think?

Carson Breer, son of Flyers GM. Philadelphia Flyers, just so people know. Philadelphia Flyers. A hockey team. Deeply sorry for tossing woman's wheelchair downstairs. Philadelphia Flyers general manager Danny Breer has called the actions of his son Carson inexcusable after the younger Breer was caught on surveillance

camera, pushing a wheelchair down a flight of stairs at a bar. Did you see it? I didn't watch the video now. He could not be douchier. He's a jock. His baseball cap is on backwards. Yeah. Yeah. He was in the wheelchair first in the wheelchair towards the top of the stairs. It turned out the woman's friend carried her down the stairs and was going to come back up for the wheelchair. This fucking guy sits in it, kind of makes fun of it, then throws it down the stairs. Yeah. It's I mean, it's a strong Philly move. Yeah. The event happened Saturday evening at a bar near the campus of Mercyhurst University in Erie, Pennsylvania. Mercyhurst also released a statement on Twitter saying, all three people shown in the video are student athletes and have been placed on interim suspension from their athletic teams,

not from the school, per the school's policies. Meanwhile, Philly fans. Ironically, he's an athlete, but he's on the bowling team. Meanwhile, Philly fans are like, I don't get it. And why wasn't the crippled chick in the chair before he threw it down the stairs? What a loser. He's clearly not varsity. Yeah.

Yeah. First of all, what kind of dive bar has a second floor? You know, dive bars, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen. Dive bars, you want everybody near the ground, no corners on the bar. They round the corners of the bar. Yeah. Floors you can hose down and most importantly, no cripples. I didn't even think about it. The bar entrance was at the top of the stairs. Like you're going into the bar and he tosses the chair down the stairs before he goes into the bar.

Yeah, that's not a dive. But perfectly Philly. Fathers 2 was upstairs, wasn't it? Where was Fathers 2? Fathers 2 was down Com Ave. It was below Mass Ave. I think it was at Mass Ave and Com Ave. What a chain yeah there was fathers

there was fathers two which was spelled t-o-o right and then there was fathers three and there was fathers four which was at northeastern so there was bu bc northeastern each had their own father's bar that was they were all they were the bars that you could get in with a fucking horrible ID. With 99 cent... They might have been 20 ounce Knickerbocker beers. Maybe 20... No, there was... I guess 16.

And they used to have happy hours on Friday starting at like 3 o'clock. They were comfortable bars, man. Yeah. They were great. Yep. Let's go to International. All right.

Conspiracy theorists are setting up their own dedicated dating sites in response to what they see as their growing incompatibility with mainstream society. The latest, Schwirbeltreff, was launched last month in Germany and claims to have gained 1,500 users in its first three weeks. 1,499 of them were men. No, I didn't say that. Alongside the standard dating profile bio questions about height, hobbies, and favorite movies, bio questions about height, hobbies, and favorite movies. New users of the site are asked to list which conspiracy theories they consider to be real,

such as coronavirus. That's a conspiracy theory. QAnon, New World Order, or Prepper ideology, and to disclose the number of coronavirus vaccines they've taken. Or what about the conspiracy theory, chicks dig me? they've taken. Or what about the conspiracy theory, chicks dig me? Yeah.

It is, it's hard to imagine the girls that are going on this site. It's going to be like, first of all, it's hard to imagine any of them being open to inserting a foreign object

in her body and receiving fluids from it. Unless it's on a spaceship. Unless she's being probed. Yeah, exactly. And by by the way this is the dating site where you never want to ghost someone because there will be a homemade documentary about your disappearance the following week yeah yeah and like these guys will finally get a girl alone and they're just gonna freak out and start jerking off. They're

not going to know that you're supposed to like touch her. And then, and then they're going to try to close the window after they come. Small talk's a little tricky on this dating website too. Like I love to travel. I've been all around the globe. What do you mean around? That's impossible. Agree to disagree. That's impossible. Agree to disagree. And by the way, what are the odds that you have sex with one of these guys and it's being secretly videotaped? 100%. 100%.

It's being live streamed. Yep. On 5G. All right. Let's skip this next one. Yeah. I got to start to move it. Oh, yeah.

You got to get to the airport. How long have we been going? Hour and 20 minutes. Oh, that's perfect this next one. Yeah, I got to start to move it. Oh, yeah. You got to get to the airport. How long have we been going? Hour and 20 minutes. Oh, that's perfect. All right. So let's cut straight down to. Oh, I don't think I put in my farsight. I got to remember one off the top of my head.

Oh. Oh, yakety yak. I remember loving that one. Ask Greg. I'll find it. Here's a couple. Ask Greg and Mike's. Oh, all right.

This is from hapless in Portland. I live with a woman who I love, but she has recently begun doing stand-up comedy. All right. Enough said. She has a law degree but is unsatisfied and wants to, quote, follow her dream. Fine, except I don't think she's funny.

She works as a public defender and helps people in need. She's also pretty hot. Do I tell her she is making a mistake? Tell her my phone number. A lawyer who's a hot public defender? Yeah. That sounds amazing.

And yes, dissuade her from getting into comedy. Get out. It's about to end. Everybody's getting in. I mentor a few young comics that I try to help out.

I really do say to them, look, write. Get some scripts together. This stand-up boom, it's not going to last. It's not going to sustain. It can't. He's got no choice. If she's hot and she's a lawyer and she's not funny,

then the stand-up thing won't last. And the only thing you can do, show up to her shitty gigs, have a lot of drinks, and just put up with it until it ends. And also, she has a distinct advantage over almost everyone else doing this which is an amazing backup plan right she's already set the table for that and she's gonna have a work ethic that you know being a successful comic is as much about work ethic as it is about being funny and this chick got through law school so she'll she'll be uh professional about it jason says hey gentlemen i'm getting mushrooms for the first time and i was wondering how much should my wife and i take

for a good time and how much to take to trip balls to reset my brain thanks for your help well it's look there's a book called How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan. And he talks a lot about set and setting. And a lot of it has to do with, before you think about dosage, think about where you guys are going to take them. What space you're going to be in spiritually, emotionally with each other. Don't, if you got some shit with your wife,'t take shrooms with her make sure you guys are good you know right meditate first put on some good music get in nature all that shit is really important as far as dosage goes um they say that an eighth is like if you want to trip balls

an eighth is three and a half grams that's a lot i would suggest if you're a guy or a good size guy take two see how you feel and she should probably just take one one and a half yeah i don't back in the day remember we would have just ziploc bags of stems and caps yeah yeah no idea and then we had no idea the strength. Right. What would we take usually? A gram? No.

Yeah, I think a gram. A gram is like go to a concert, be highly functional. You know, when we went to see Springsteen, I took two grams and I was good. You were crying your eyes out. I was crying a lot. All right. But that's good. Yeah. crying your eyes out. I was crying a lot. All right. So. But that's good.

Yeah. You were the only good person in the whole building because of your crying. Everybody was crying. So. Did Pete cry? I don't know. He probably felt codependent with you. Jack cried a lot.

It was amazing. All right. So I did too. So I know this one, I ate a bunch of mushrooms at Mardi Gras with roommates down there. And, uh, and I came on way too strong. I hadn't eaten anything just like a lot of things like alcohol, what you have in your stomach, how much you've eaten, how hydrated you are, all that, how heavy you are, all that play a role. So anyway, I was tripping hard and a very long story short, I was like, I didn't drink any, like there was the, they were

like, we're going to go to this bar. I'm like, yeah, go ahead. I can't add anything to this. And it was not good. And I wanted to get out. I just want to go back to the house we were staying in. And then one of the guys talked me out of it. But this is what I did learn. Those guys who had started drinking beer, they were down way sooner than I was because they were drinking beer and pissing and flushing it out of their system. Interesting. And sure, they might have had a little beer buzz added to it, but don't shy away. Definitely hydrate. It doesn't have to be alcohol. Definitely hydrate and stuff like that. Yeah. You got to hydrate. Especially if it gets intense, you really want to like hydrate and maybe eat and that'll help. Physical activity is nice. Nothing strenuous,

but taking a hike. You're going to want to be near nature, whatever version of nature. I remember once in the, in the dorms at Boston University, Jeff Brown, I think, shroomed for the first time, and he took a lot, and he went missing. And people were like, where? And they ran up to me, and we weren't even roommates yet, and they're like, Jeff, I'm like, did you look by the river? It's the first thing I said.

And they're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Is this like a Western? Because you don't really think about the river in West Campus. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's exactly where he was. Right. That's exactly where he was.

He was drawn to the water. Yep. He had a stick. He was following the stick. Just watching that mighty river, the Charles, flow. Are you kidding me? That's what you want to do. You want to watch trees.

You want to watch stars. Fire. Fire is amazing. Fire is great. An outdoor to watch stars. Fire. Fire is amazing. Fire is great. An outdoor fireplace could be your everything. Fireworks. Music.

A concert. Well, the playlist is key. Put your playlist together before you shroom and pick songs that have great lyrics. Babe, I'm leaving. Just put that on for the wife. That's how you tell her. She'll handle it well all right here we go all right letters to the editor it is fairly recent where goats became goat greatest of all time maybe five years ago before that being the goat meant you were the guy that blew the game for your team. Yep.

Bill Buckner in 86 was an example. Bart Mann, who tried to catch a ball in Chicago that the Cubs player was going to catch and make an out, which led to the Cubs losing the playoffs. I'm going to say this is a disinformation campaign or propaganda supported by Big GOAT to change the narrative. Big GOAT, man. Sorry, I didn't write down who wrote that note. This one comes from DJ Will. Let Gibbons know that his Canadian Bacon movie idea was already used in two different ways.

Kevin Bacon being kidnapped was actually the plot in the Marvel Guardians of the Galaxy holiday special that aired back in November. All right. Also, the title, Canadian Bacon, was a 1995 comedy starring the late John Candy. Not that this was groundbreaking or award-winning, but his flippant improv wasn't too far off the mark. Love the show. Long-time listeners, please, please, please get the Lockhorns artist on already.

Yes. I think you've chosen two that are similar, but I think mine is still viable. All right. Let's get down to obituaries. Yeah. And that's all, folks. We actually don't have an obituary for this week,

but we thought we would give a shout out to the people that were so egregiously ignored at this year's Oscars. It's crazy. It's crazy that Paul Servino was not in the in memoriam. And not only that, it was a, not a who's who, a who's that of pictures and names. Dude, it was all producers and network executives. Publicists? Yeah, network executives. Publicists? Yeah. Come on.

Publicists? No, there was other ones that were even more bizarre and specific. And how many people could be sort of wanting that person in there over Paul Sorvino? Paul Sorvino and Heish. Yeah. Tom Sizemore. Yep. Tony Sirico.

Who's that? He is. I don't know how many movies he did, though. That's from the, isn't it from, what's it called? No, Sopranos. Oh. I think. Oh, right, right.

Leslie Jordan, who did a lot of movies, but was more known for his Twitter feed in the later years of his life during the pandemic. But those are crowd pleasers also. Yeah, he would have gotten a huge awe. I would have gotten an awe. But Paul Sorvino, yeah, now that would have been a big ticket item up there. All right, let's get to the funnies. Let's do it.

Got to cheer up after that. Paul poor. Well, cheer up after that. Paul used to play billiards with Paul. He was my pool partner, Paul Servino. That's the best. We traveled around New York playing. We'd go to the Players Club, the Harvard Club, and we kicked ass. We were good. Look at that.

He was really good. That's amazing. He had the pinky ring, and he had a nice bridge with his left hand with the pinky ring sticking out. Like a real Italian. Dilbert this week. Dilbert is... Yeah, Dilbert, man. You want to read it?

No, I don't have it. You read it. I don't have it either. What do you mean? I can't remember what I said. You created it. Dilbert is talking... Oh, there's a... he's got two co-workers

dilbert approaches two co-workers in the first frame it's a black man and a white woman and the second frame dilbert walks up and he addresses the woman and he says is he bothering you and the third frame she says no we're actually spearheading a new project together for next quarter. And then the fourth frame is just blank with Dilbert staring at the black eye. And then the last frame, Dilbert looks at the girl and says, well, just let me know if he bothers you. Which I I don't get the punch line. No. Knowing how Dilbert usually goes, I thought the final frame might be. Oh, because he's from the projects?

Shout out to Dickie. Now we have the Lockhorns. Leroy is getting a checkup. Loretta says to the doctor, all the pull-ups Leroy says he does are to the next window of a drive-through jokes jokes here's a fucking great one she's talking to her friend and leroy's walking away and she goes leroy just gave me a piece of his mind and it lowered both our iqs and then this last one is topical. Leroy's on the train talking to his friend.

They're commuting to work. And Leroy says, it's March Madness. Loretta gets mad at me for watching so much basketball. Not that funny, but topical. Yeah. Here is a Farside. And it was, wait, let me give credit here. It was sent in by Justin. And, uh, so it's the typical, uh, Viking ship and, uh, the guy, and there's all these like slaves rowing it and all

these white bearded guys. They're big. Yeah. And like shipwreck clothing, you know, with the torn jeans and all that stuff. Anyway, this one guy's like, you who? Oh, you who? I think I'm getting a blister. Which, by the way, is an exact. Oh, and it's it's it's the smallest guy. He's tiny. He's tiny.

Doesn't even have a shirt on. Yeah. And looks very uh nerdy um that is an actual scene although this was originally in it gubbins one of gubbins favorite shows that he tries him is i think norseman and it's literally it opens they're heading home after raping and pillaging and they've taken slaves to row it and that's this is exactly what happens and they whip him to teach him jesus but he has these complaints like you know it's been a while since we ate you know and he wants to talk to like the foreman comedy show yeah oh it's very fun okay

yeah um let's see let's check in on our girl. Here it is, a bedroom scene. Dopey is laying there with his donut pajamas on, faced away from Blondie, who's awake in a bed. Which fucking direction would you be facing if Blondie was awake in a bed? She's reading a magazine, and Dagwa goes, I just thought of a great response a few minutes ago. And she goes, oh, sorry, honey.

The clock ran out on your window of opportunity to respond again. She's just castrating him. And he goes, I didn't realize there was a time limit for great responses. She goes, you missed it by about 10 seconds, dear. You know what else you missed? Pussy. Blondie pussy. Do you have any idea what her vagina vagina looks like it is it's got yellow hair can you imagine how exciting that would be to pull down a woman's

panties and see yellow hair see an animated cartoon pussy what what about that fucking somebody sent on a on our text chain a picture of a pair of panties, but the vagina lips made it look like it was a fish? Did you see that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I know who sent it. Yeah. And that it's this out of control fish that eats all your money or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some terrible joke. It was definitely something that we forget that on that particular text chain, it's all guys, but then you, fucking Mike Gibbons, introduced a woman onto the chain. I don't think I did. Yes, you did. I know for a fact you did.

I did? Yes. Huh. It was like our last place left to be misogynistic, except for Sunday Papers. I don't know if I added her. Yeah, you did.

I think that might have been Malloy or someone. I don't know. Anyway. All right. All right, so our thanks to- Oh, I'm late. Thanks to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, for doing a great job. I forgot to mark down time codes.

They're going to have to sit through this whole episode to make the cuts. Maybe I'll tell them not to put it. We don't need the captions for each section in this episode, do we? Huh? Yeah, you've never watched the podcast. No, I have. We don't need that. We don't need the chapter headings.

No, no, no. We'll do it without it. Okay. We'll do it live. We'll do it live! Fuck it, we'll do it live. All right. Thank you guys for listening. do it without it okay we'll do it live we'll do it live fuck it we'll do it live all right thank you guys for listening and don't forget uh go support um uh what what do you want to promote

let's promote the grand dell theater in st louis april 1st we'll see you guys there there it is all right take care take it ash take it ash it is. All right. Take care. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Gibbons and Cubbins. It's Gibbons and Cubbins. Gibbons and Cubbins. Hey, guys. This is Joanne. I seem to have a big crush on you. Gibbons and Cubbins.

The Gibbons and Cubbins Podcast. It's Gibbons and Cubbins. It's Gibbons and Cubbins. It's Gibbons and Cubbins. It's only Sunday. It's only Sunday. Hey guys, this is Jillian. I seem to have a big crush on you both. Sunday papers.

Sunday papers. It's only Sunday. Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Sunday papers. It's only Sunday. It a Sunday Sunday papers Sunday papers Sunday papers Sunday papers Sunday papers

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